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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,030 Newspaper? 2 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,030 TANNOY: 'We have now been cleared for takeoff. 3 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,950 'Please remain seated until the seatbelt sign has been turned off.' 4 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,600 ~ Newspaper? ~ Oh, yes, please. Thank you. 5 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,560 Hmm! 6 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,670 Sorry, sir, I need to stow that for takeoff. 7 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,220 You don't want to read these things anyway, full of lies. 8 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,950 Ah, you saved a seat for me. 9 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,540 You shouldn't have, people will talk. 10 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,950 I don't know about you but if there's an emergency, 11 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,270 I'm not removing my high heels. 12 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,710 Sir, can I have a word? The computer has flagged that you're travelling 13 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,150 without any luggage at all. 14 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,630 I am required to ask if there's a reason for this. 15 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,550 Good work. Question asked, job done. 16 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,710 Now, can I get a little packet of complimentary nuts 17 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,630 ~ and a mojito on the side, please? ~ Sir, can I see your passport? 18 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,020 Probably not, it's in my pocket. 19 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,160 Go on, then, as it's you. 20 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,270 It's not that one, it's not that one. 21 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:05,630 It's definitely not that one. 22 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,420 Right, sir, can I take your name, please? 23 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,520 MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober by Paloma Faith 24 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,270 'There are two golden rules when you're on the run. 25 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,420 'One, assume a new identity as soon as possible... 26 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,830 '.. and two, do everything you can to keep a low profile. 27 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,750 Zdravstvuyte! 28 00:01:58,800 --> 00:01:59,870 Sorry? 29 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,350 IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: It's Russian to say hello. I am... 30 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,670 Dr Vladimir Putinofski but you can call me Dr Vladimir Putinofski. 31 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:07,790 You take me. 32 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,030 I was told the doctor was... 33 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,510 We must go. 34 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,390 All right, OK. Well, let me take your bags. 35 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,310 These are not my bags. 36 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,710 Where you drop me off? 37 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,910 At the conference centre, your speech starts in 25 minutes. 38 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,070 We should make it. 39 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,670 First you take me to marina. 40 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,390 ~ The marina? Well, there's no time. ~ To the marina. 41 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,120 Glasnost! 42 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,910 I have one hour, nine hours maximum. 43 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,670 You wait or no wait, goodbye in Russian. 44 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:50,990 But... 45 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,510 So, have you worked in a bar before? 46 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,590 No, but I'm a quick learner. 47 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:00,670 Whereabouts you from? 48 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,150 ~ Havana. ~ Ah, I don't know the Spanish mainland very well. 49 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,740 It's in Cuba. 50 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,550 I know. 51 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,910 I was just saying, I don't know the Spanish mainland very well. 52 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,510 I'll tell you what. You seem like a smart enough lad, 53 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,510 I'll put you on probation starting today. 54 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,510 ~ Thank you, Mr Brutus. ~ No, no, please. None of that Mr stuff, 55 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:21,990 call me boss. 56 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,670 ~ Yes, boss. ~ And I will call you Zorro. 57 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,750 ~ But my name is... ~ I don't need to know your name. 58 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,710 My last barman was called Zorro. 59 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,870 The barman before him was called Zorro 60 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,070 and neither of them was called Zorro, but Zorro I can remember. 61 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,070 Is that all right with you, Zorro? 62 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,230 ~ Yes, boss. ~ You'll learn a lot from me. 63 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,870 Here you go, take this and write this down. 64 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:46,030 Rule number one, always make the customer feel welcome. 65 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,790 Hello, Brutus. 66 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:48,980 No. 67 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,710 Not you! Get out! 68 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,150 Don't write that down. 69 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,470 Whatever it is, Woody, I don't want to know. 70 00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,270 ~ Or that. ~ Brutus, I found a tiny bit of glass in my beer, 71 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,520 ~ could I get another one? ~ Huh! 72 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,070 Ah, that one really hit the spot. 73 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,830 How did you find me? Don't tell me, I'm not interested. 74 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,350 I need a Bloody Mary. Write that down. 75 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,630 No, don't write that down, make it. 76 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,950 B, I know you're busy at the moment destroying your bar 77 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,990 ~ but could I have a quick word? ~ Zorro, mop. ~ Mop. 78 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,590 Out. Mop. Off. 79 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,070 ~ Admit it, B, you've missed me. ~ Yes, I missed you twice, 80 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,110 but if I'd have had another bottle, I'd have got you right in the kisser. 81 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,670 Seriously, can we be serious for a second? This is serious. 82 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,310 Serious, Woody? You shot me. 83 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,430 With a crossbow. 84 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,750 ~ Oh, well, that's all right, then(!) ~ I had to shoot you. 85 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,070 If I hadn't shot you the Bulgarians would've shot you. 86 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,790 Well, thank goodness you were there to save me from getting shot 87 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,190 ~ by shooting me. ~ You're welcome. ~ You got some front, boy. 88 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,710 ~ What are you doing here? ~ I'm on the run, people are after me. 89 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,310 Good. What people? 90 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,710 Well, amongst others, the Queen. 91 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,470 Oh, do me a favour! 92 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,830 ~ Just give me one minute. ~ Tell it to the mop. 93 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,950 ~ Is he always like this? ~ You got 30 seconds. 94 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,750 ~ 45. ~ 28, 27... 95 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:02,110 ~ That's not fair, you didn't say go. ~ Life ain't fair. 22, 21... ~ OK, OK! 96 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,430 I was deep undercover on a corruption case, 97 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,150 this thing went right to the top. 98 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,950 ~ Just as I was getting somewhere, the editor... ~ Is it still Frank? 99 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,990 ~ It's still Frank. ~ I hated Frank. ~ Do you mind? These are my seconds. 100 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,270 ~ Hey? Oh, sorry, go on. ~ Frank decides to take me off the job and send me 101 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,910 to Buckingham Palace to test security as a fake footman. 102 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,870 Once I'm in, he tells the guards I'm a reporter 103 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,070 who's lost his mind and is trying to get to the Queen. 104 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,670 You're trying to tell me you haven't? 105 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,510 I'm trying to tell you Frank is dirty, he tried to set me up. 106 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,110 I got away by the skin of my teeth and the only reason I came here 107 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,670 was to throw myself at the mercy of the one person in the world 108 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,030 ~ I could... ~ Time's up. ~ .. trust. 109 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,320 You. 110 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,670 Woody... 111 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,670 look at me. 112 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,990 Are you spinning me or is this story of yours true? 113 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,750 It's not just true... 114 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,830 ~ it's true true. ~ You know the rules, son. 115 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,240 You only ever say it is true true if it is true true. 116 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:54,880 It's true true. 117 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,310 Wow. 118 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,510 ~ So you'll help me then? ~ No. 119 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,750 Is that a no no or a yes no? 120 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,550 It's a "you'll get whacked into next week with this mop" no. 121 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,830 Look... 122 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,150 my not-mucking-about-much face. 123 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,140 Really, I'm in trouble. 124 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,630 ~ One week. ~ Ten days. Deal. I promise. I'll be gone in a month. 125 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,310 One week. I got a beach apartment. 126 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,110 You can lay low there, stay out of trouble. 127 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,590 You won't even know I'm there. Unless you come and visit me, 128 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,510 in which case you'll know I'm there. Unless I'm not there, in which case you won't know I'm there. 129 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,060 To the beach. Where's the beach? I'll find it. Follow me. 130 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,480 I know. Must be mad. 131 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,270 Ta-da! 132 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,510 Ain't she a beauty? 133 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,100 I give you... 134 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,870 .. Shangri-La. 135 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,110 My very own slice of paradise. 136 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,550 ~ Wow. ~ Exactly. Wow. Yeah, it does have the wow factor, dunnit? 137 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,470 So, what do you think? 138 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,750 I'd say it could do with a lick of paint, 139 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,350 ~ but I don't think it could stand the weight. ~ You don't like it? 140 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,990 I didn't say that. 141 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,150 I don't like it. There, now I've said it. 142 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,390 ~ But it ain't in bad nick for what it is. ~ And what exactly is it? 143 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,640 This is where I come to think. 144 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,150 Been here twice in the last nine years. 145 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,390 Does it have electricity? 146 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,070 Yeah, sometimes. During the storms if you're really unlucky. 147 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,230 And the dead seagull on the bed? 148 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,950 Ah, I'll throw it in. 149 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,830 In fact, I think I did throw it in. 150 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,990 ~ All right. I'll take it. ~ Good. 151 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,590 And I don't want to see you or your ugly mug anywhere near my bar. 152 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,830 ~ Happy? ~ Ecstatic. 153 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,510 I might have missed a wing, but it doesn't seem to have a toilet. 154 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,030 That is where you're wrong, old son. 155 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960 Nice. And can you point me in the direction of the shower? 156 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,590 ~ The bucket? ~ All mod cons. Make yourself at home. 157 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,840 ~ Great. Shall I put the kettle on? ~ You're holding it. 158 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,630 Cordless. 159 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,920 MUSIC: Volare by Gipsy Kings 160 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,350 B, I need a job. 161 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,670 What did I say? You're barred. 162 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,870 And anyway, I haven't got any jobs. 163 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,230 WOODY CLEARS HIS THROAT 164 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,630 I do not want you working here. 165 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:14,670 I'd barely be working. 166 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,430 I'd turn up late, I'd leave early, you'd hardly notice me. 167 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,270 Zorro, probation's over, you've got the job. 168 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,790 Thank you, boss. I will not let you down. 169 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,630 In my country we have a saying... 170 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,550 Yeah, brilliant, sounds amazing. Let me introduce you to the staff. 171 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,240 HE WHISTLES Larenza, come out here. 172 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,150 This is Larenza, she'll show you the ropes. Larenza, meet Zorro. 173 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,750 LARENZA SPITS 174 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,110 ~ She likes you, I can tell. ~ She likes me too, I can tell. 175 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,750 LARENZA GROWLS 176 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,070 Woody, think you should leave 177 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,710 before Larenza rips your arm out of its socket. 178 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,830 OK. You win. I'm leaving. 179 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,670 ~ I'm not leaving. ~ Which one of you's Brutus? ~ I am. 180 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,830 ~ No, he's not, I am. ~ Stop it. I am. 181 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,150 ~ You stop it. I am. ~ Oh, forget it. 182 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,670 ~ He's Brutus. ~ I'm Brutus. 183 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,710 I've got a job that needs handling. It's a delicate matter. 184 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,310 They come to you with delicate matters on this island? 185 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,830 I love this place. 186 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,310 I heard you're the go-to guy. 187 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,110 Well, the go-to guy is the guy to go to, 188 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,790 if you've got to go to the go-to guy. Flawless logic. 189 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,470 And great hair, do you mousse? 190 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,910 You're the investigator, right? 191 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,550 Journalist. Was. Retired. Sorry, love, not interested. 192 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,110 Well, my husband's decided he wants to talk to you. 193 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,230 ~ Husband? Boo. ~ And he doesn't take no for an answer. 194 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,350 Just for meeting with him he'll pay you more money 195 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,630 than you can take here in a month. 196 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,310 ~ I suppose a little chat couldn't hurt. ~ Good. Let's go. 197 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,630 ~ Donald's expecting you. ~ Whoa, Donald? Not that Donald? 198 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,670 ~ That Donald. ~ That Donald? ~ That Donald? Which Donald? 199 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,510 ~ Her Donald. ~ My Donald. ~ Well, I'm glad we straightened that up(!) 200 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,630 While we're doing names, I'm Woody, and you are? 201 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:51,190 ~ Melody. ~ Melody? I'd love to whistle you one of these days. 202 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,470 ~ What's that even mean? ~ I don't know. 203 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,750 Idiot. 204 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:58,110 Zorro, hold the fort. Larenza, do not hurt Zorro. 205 00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,390 LARENZA GROWLS 206 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,750 Woody, get out of my bar. 207 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,350 Absolutely. Let's go and talk to Don. 208 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,790 No, not you. 209 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,580 Come on, B, I can help. You know I could. 210 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:10,790 Where we going? 211 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,030 The Orphanage. 212 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,750 Of course we are. 213 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,110 What sort of bloke calls his superyacht The Orphanage? 214 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,670 You're about to find out. 215 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,820 Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to my husband. 216 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,510 Donald Hammer. 217 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,910 Teflon Donald, the pension poacher. 218 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,070 Dodgy Donald, the wolf of Watford. 219 00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,430 You forgot Hammer the scammer. 220 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,190 I prefer Don. 221 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,270 ~ Brutus. ~ No, I think he prefers Don. 222 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,190 ~ I thought you were in prison? ~ In many ways, I still am. 223 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,990 Trapped out here in exile on this damn barge 224 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,710 with hardly a penny to my name. 225 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,270 Times are hard, I can see. 226 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,710 I don't know how you cope(!) 227 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,150 My charity work keeps my spirits up. 228 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,030 I don't like to talk about it. 229 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,310 Melody? 230 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,230 The Donald Hammer Charity Foundation Trust 231 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,990 is dedicated to tirelessly improving the conditions of the many 232 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,030 facilities around the globe for the benefit of the people it supports. 233 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,230 Snappy. Facilities like? 234 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,350 ~ The Orphanage. ~ Exactly. 235 00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,110 You know what would really spruce this orphanage up, some orphans. 236 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,790 Ha-ha-ha(!) And you are? 237 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,190 I'm Woody. I'm Brutus' work colleague. 238 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:24,430 Ex-work colleague. 239 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,910 Now, now, not in front of the kids. 240 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,070 Oh, yeah, there aren't any. 241 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,150 Ha-ha-ha(!) 242 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,030 Brutus, I appreciate you coming over 243 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,470 even if it doesn't look like I do, that's just my face. 244 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,030 I need help. 245 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,990 My closest friend and confidante has gone missing. 246 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,030 ~ There she is. ~ My parrot, Wally, has gone. 247 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,230 ~ Awkward. ~ The pension poacher's parrot, the one you took to prison. 248 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,390 The one friend who saw me through that terrible ordeal. 249 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,430 If it wasn't for my conversations with Wally, 250 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,910 ~ I don't know what I'd have done. ~ You might've gone mad. 251 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,910 Lucky you had a parrot to talk to. 252 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,990 Those chats got me through some dark times. 253 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,310 And now, someone has taken him. 254 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,710 You think the parrot-napping was personal? 255 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,070 I may have made a few enemies over the years. 256 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,190 Yeah, I'm guessing anyone over 50 who used to have a pension. 257 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:13,630 ~ Not me, way too smart to waste money on pension plans. ~ It's true. 258 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,270 You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to catch Brutus 259 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,870 coming back from the casino. 260 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,750 Wally is the only thing in this world 261 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,990 that really means something to me. 262 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,870 I need you to get him back. 263 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:24,990 I'll find your parrot. 264 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,430 My husband's talking to Brutus. 265 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,510 Trust me. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's finding parrots. 266 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,390 That's if there's one thing I'm good at. 267 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,520 And trust me, if there is, it's finding parrots. 268 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,190 I know, I know. 269 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,350 But as well as being the most annoying person you will ever meet, 270 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,950 he is the best investigator I have ever worked with. 271 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,110 ~ Much as I hate to say it, Woody is your man. ~ Thanks, B. 272 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,070 ~ We'll split the fee 70/30. ~ 80/40. 273 00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,510 Deal. Right. Back to El Baro, got a till to fill. Ta-ra. 274 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,550 ~ Still got your catchphrases, then? ~ You betcha! 275 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,830 So, where was the parrot taken from? 276 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,110 Follow me. 277 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,350 To the ends of the Earth. Or next door, whichever's closer. 278 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,270 You definitely mousse. 279 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,110 This is mine and Wally's special room, just for the two of us. 280 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,310 And a rabbit. 281 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,390 Oh, yeah, Hercules. I bought him as a pet for Wally. 282 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,150 Seems sensible. So when did you find Wally was missing? 283 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,510 I didn't. My vet, Mr Hewitt, did. 284 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,150 Comes twice a week to give Wally his check-up. 285 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,590 But he came yesterday and the window was open and the cage was empty. 286 00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,390 You don't think Wally could've escaped? 287 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,310 Parrots are pretty clever, they can ride bikes and pirates. 288 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,510 He was kept in a locked cage. 289 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,070 Well, it seems like I should start by visiting this vet. 290 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,430 But I better borrow your bunny as a bluff if you'd bestow your blessing. 291 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,110 Are you always like this? 292 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,230 No. Sometimes I wear a hat. 293 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,150 ~ Blimey. ~ IN FRENCH ACCENT: 'Allo. 294 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,710 ~ And you are? ~ Monsieur Patchouli Oil. 295 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,630 Here, take it, take it. 296 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:05,070 His name is Juliette Binoche, I name him before I know he's a boy. 297 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,910 The other rabbits, they tease him. 298 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,190 Come through, would you? 299 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,550 I most certainly would. 300 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,150 ~ Oh, my God! ~ What is it? 301 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,630 Those blinds, they make my eyes want to be sick. 302 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,870 And this flooring, it all has to go. 303 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,710 Don't argue with me. Do not argue. 304 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,110 I am, how you say, interior designer? 305 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,270 ~ Interior designer. ~ That is it. 306 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,430 I am very expensive, you could not afford me. 307 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,950 Shut up, you could not. 308 00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,390 ~ Shall we just talk about your rabbit? ~ Is it bad news? 309 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,350 I don't know yet. What seems to be the problem? 310 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,950 Well, that jacket is doing you no favours for a start. 311 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,310 ~ No, with the rabbit? ~ He is depressed. 312 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,750 His va-va-voom, it has va-va gone away. 313 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,910 Look at him. He looks so sick. 314 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,790 This rabbit is as sick as a parrot. 315 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,910 Is that the right word? Parrot? 316 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,480 Parrot? Yes. 317 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,720 Do you mind if I examine Juliette Binoche? 318 00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,870 This office, it is all wrong. 319 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,070 I hate the filing cabinets, I hate the window, 320 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,430 I hate the wall by the window, I hate the wooden wheel. 321 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,190 I really hate it. 322 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,430 ~ And what is this? ~ It's a bell. 323 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,870 ~ RINGS BELL ~ I hate it. 324 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,990 ~ Please, don't do that. ~ I hate this sound. 325 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,190 Don't you hate this sound? The ding, the dong, it is all wrong. 326 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,510 ~ RINGS BELL ~ Look, Mr Patchouli Oil, please! 327 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,390 And what is written here? HMS "Oowitt". 328 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,350 ~ What is Oowitt? ~ It's my name, Hewitt. 329 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,830 ~ Oowitt. ~ Hewitt. 330 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,350 ~ Oowitt. ~ Hewitt. 331 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,390 Whatever. It is from your boat? 332 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,350 Yes. Well, no, maybe one day, probably never. 333 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,910 Do you mind taking a seat? 334 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,160 In these trousers, are you crazy? And what is in here? 335 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:41,030 This is for you and the lady at the front desk, you naughty man. 336 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,350 I cannot condemn you, I have done worse. 337 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,830 I just sometimes... I sleep at the surgery, that's all. 338 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,150 I'm having a bit of trouble at home. 339 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,070 ~ You're married? ~ No. 340 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,430 Me also. 341 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,230 Oh, what is this? 342 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,750 Piracetam. 343 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,310 They help put the ding in the dong? 344 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,790 They're my sleeping pills. Thank you so much. 345 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,910 No, thank you very much. You have cured Juliette Binoche. 346 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,910 Oh, look how happy he looks. Oh. 347 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,550 We must settle up. 348 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,470 Could I have the...? How you say? 349 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,190 ~ Can I have the bill? ~ Certainly. 350 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,430 I shall put it in the post along with the design for the new blinds. 351 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:18,820 Bonjour. 352 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,910 'Something smelled fishy at the vet's, 353 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,150 'but it was a vet's so it could've been fish. 354 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,150 'I thought I should widen my net, so I hooked up with someone 355 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,070 'who had every reason to resent that parrot.' 356 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,390 Melody. We have got to stop meeting like this. 357 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,270 People might get the right idea. 358 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,950 ~ I got your message. What do you want? ~ Good question. 359 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,990 Shall we go for five courses or the taster menu? 360 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,110 I'm ravishing. No, I meant famishing. 361 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,470 No, I was right the first time. 362 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,670 Donald knows I'm here. 363 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,830 Ah, yes, love's young dream. How long have you two been married? 364 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,830 Oh, I don't know, what is it now? 365 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,430 Ah, 28 weeks, four days, three hours and 17 minutes. 366 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,590 That's a nice watch. Set you back much? 367 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,110 ~ It's not a watch, technically. ~ Technically what is it? 368 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,270 Technically it's a trust fund for a turtle reserve in Florida. 369 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,870 I feel bad about the turtles but on the other hand... 370 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,670 Is an enormous ring. Wow! 371 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,190 That thing's bigger than my house. 372 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,990 Let's cut to it, shall we? One grifter to another. 373 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,110 I didn't take his parrot, I'm in this for the long game. 374 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,950 ~ Snooker. ~ Money. 375 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,430 Damn. I was going to say money, I panicked. 376 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,790 Delightful Don stole the pensions of half the western world. 377 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,710 I'm going to find out where he keeps his money 378 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,150 and I'm going to steal it back. 379 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,430 I get it. Steal from the rich and give to the poor. 380 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,590 ~ Half right. ~ There was me thinking you were jealous 381 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,110 ~ of Donald's relationship with his parrot. ~ Let me tell you, 382 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,110 everything wasn't perfect between those two. 383 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,630 Trouble in PARROT-dise? 384 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,510 Donald was always telling him to shut up. 385 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,390 You think Donald popped his own parrot? 386 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,190 No, it's not his style. Besides... 387 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,310 read this. 388 00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,030 It was sent to Donald about a month ago. 389 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,070 "You make me sick. Give up the bird, you monster. You're an animal." 390 00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,190 ~ Why didn't he show me this? ~ He hasn't seen it. 391 00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,790 You've been intercepting his mail? 392 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,510 Yeah, course I have, I'm his wife and I'm trying to steal his money. 393 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,510 ~ Letter's signed at the bottom. ~ "Yours sincerely, Barbara Simms, 394 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,910 "Director of the Piqo Park Tropical Bird Sanctuary." 395 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,830 It's on the other side of the island. 396 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,110 I could offer you a lift but I've got an appointment 397 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,390 with sitting on the deck of my 120ft yacht doing nothing. 398 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,230 Sorry(!) 399 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,870 'Melody obviously didn't want our lunch date to end. 400 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,870 'But I had another suspect to suspect. 401 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:26,350 'It was time to get birdie Barbara in a flap. 402 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,790 'To get some answers, I thought I'd have a sticky beak 403 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,990 'and ruffle some feathers. 404 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,510 'I told you I sometimes wear a hat.' 405 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,670 Can I help you? 406 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,670 IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I hope for your sake you can. What's your name, son? 407 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,430 ~ Ralph. ~ Is that with an R? ~ Who are you? 408 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,910 I'm your worst nightmare, missy. 409 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,950 John J Johnson, Senior Parrot Inspector 410 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,790 for the Exotic Bird Legacy of Europe, North America and Canada. 411 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,750 ~ Never heard of it. ~ That's a code four violation right there. 412 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,310 And you, missy, why's your hair down? 413 00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,630 Do you know what could happen if an owl got hold of that? 414 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,270 You should wear it up and maybe knot your shirt up in front, 415 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,990 ~ something for the dads. ~ I think you need to speak to Barbara. 416 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,270 No. I think I need to speak to Barbara. 417 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,390 Susie, go and get Barbara. 418 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,190 Feisty, like an ostrich. OK, Ralphy, spot check. 419 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,950 What's the wing span of a larger than average peregrine falcon? 420 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,110 Too slow. That's a code 44. 421 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,390 You're on suspension, son, effective immediately. 422 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,190 You need to leave these premises right now 423 00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,670 ~ or we're going to shut down. ~ But... ~ Sh. 424 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,510 It's over, Ralphy. The dream's over. 425 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,670 But it never was your dream. This isn't you. 426 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,820 What do you really want to do with your life? Hmm? 427 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,510 I want to be a professional ice hockey player. 428 00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,630 And so you shall. 429 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,030 Go, Ralphy, follow your dream. Run. 430 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,310 Run. Go. That's it, Ralphy. 431 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,110 Run, run like a hawk. 432 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,190 Mr Johnson? 433 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,230 Mr John J Johnson of the CJDACCACC. Shall we get on with the spot check? 434 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,350 I didn't know anything about a spot check. 435 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,470 That, Barbara, is the nature of spot checks. But if everything's in order 436 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,870 ~ then we shouldn't have to issue any fines. ~ Fines? 437 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,070 We can't afford fines, we're barely breaking even at the moment. 438 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,110 Barbara, Babs, I'm one of the good guys. 439 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,190 I actually used to be a parrot trainer myself. 440 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,870 Really? Where? 441 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,230 Las Vegas. 442 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,430 I handled all the parrot stuff for Celine Dion, till, of course, 443 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,390 ~ she forgot the safe word. ~ Oh, what happened? 444 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,190 The doctors did an amazing job. 445 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,910 You'd never guess it was a glass eye to look at her. Staff? 446 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,230 Oh, there are only a few of us at the moment 447 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,030 ~ but we're working on getting some investment very soon. ~ Mm-hm. 448 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,030 At the moment there's just me and my assistant, Susie, who you've met. 449 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,070 ~ Yes. ~ And Ralph, of course, he does all our displays. 450 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:35,950 In fact, he's just about to start a show, 451 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,990 so why don't we start there and then you can meet him afterwards? 452 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,470 Ah, right. 453 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,870 Is there a problem? 454 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,350 Slight hitch, Barbara. 455 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,230 Ralph is on suspension pending an unsuspension. 456 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,550 What? 457 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,630 No! What we going to do?! 458 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,710 He's the only bird trainer we've got. We can't cancel the show. 459 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,310 Don't worry, Barbara, trust me. 460 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,280 The show will go on. 461 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,430 Ladies and gentlemen. 462 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,310 Madames et monsieurs. 463 00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,830 Frauleins... 464 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,470 and gentlemen, 465 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,710 welcome to the magical world of birds... 466 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:13,990 of prey. 467 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:18,670 My name is John J Johnson and this is what I do. 468 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,790 ~ What's your name, son? ~ Malcolm. 469 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,720 He's got no reason to lie, ladies and gentlemen, big hand for Malcolm. 470 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,110 Don't get up, Malcolm. 471 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:33,270 Ah, here comes our first bird of prey with my lovely assistant, Jeff. 472 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,630 What a beauty. 473 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,670 This bird is almost definitely an eagle 474 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,510 and his name... 475 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,750 is Vince Vaughn. 476 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,750 His plumage is what it is, 477 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,630 and his natural habitat is... up in the air. 478 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,950 Shall we get him up there? 479 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,190 CROWD: Yes! 480 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,910 To the skies, Jeff. 481 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,750 Fly, Vince Vaughn, fly. 482 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,550 That's it, Vince, swoop. 483 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,110 Flap about. 484 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,150 Keep flapping. 485 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,920 Good boy, Vince. 486 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,830 Aye, don't come back. 487 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,390 Vince is off to find some live mice so that he can partially 488 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,950 digest their entrails and then suck them back up again for his kids. 489 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,470 Great. This is a doddle. 490 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:22,990 Right, Jeff, who's next? 491 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,870 BIRD SQUAWKS 492 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,550 Oh, he's a big laddie. 493 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,430 That is a vulture 494 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,550 and his name is John Terry. 495 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,950 John is the weight of three lawnmowers 496 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,710 and can smell a hamster from 40 miles. 497 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,350 Want to see John do his stuff? 498 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,790 CROWD: Yes! 499 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,830 Hey, John, I'm going to use this. 500 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,480 Are you ready? 501 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,520 CROWD GASPS 502 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,550 John... 503 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:56,870 don't. 504 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,270 No, John. Jeff! 505 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,190 No. 506 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,230 No, John. Stay. 507 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,270 John! Jeff! No. 508 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,910 Stay, John. 509 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,350 Jeff! 510 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,340 CROWD GASPS AND SCREAMS 511 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,110 The baby's fine. 512 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,670 The baby's fine. 513 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,350 They don't remember anything at this age! 514 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,070 Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a wonderful audience. 515 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,720 My name is John J Johnson, good night. 516 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,910 'One thing was obvious. Barbara may have been parrot crazy 517 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,150 'but she didn't strike me as a bird-napper, 518 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,710 'which led me to only one conclusion 519 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,910 'about who had taken the talking parrot.' 520 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,110 AS DONALD: Hello? It's me. Come quickly. 521 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,630 I think I know who's got the parrot. 522 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,550 What part of this are you not getting, you stupid man? 523 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,350 I did not phone you. 524 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,830 It was less than an hour ago. 525 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,190 Are you sure you didn't call him, sweetheart? 526 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,950 If anyone's going to call him sweetheart, it's going to be me. 527 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,910 Hello, sweetheart. You're busted. 528 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,750 But... You? 529 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,310 IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oui, it is me, Monsieur Pachoulithingy. 530 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:10,510 NORMALLY: Or is it me...? 531 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,590 AS DONALD: I think I know who's got the parrot. 532 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,350 ~ Nothing like me. ~ AS DONALD: It's nothing like me. 533 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,750 That is pretty amazing... 534 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,670 Nothing like my dear husband. How dare you? 535 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,230 Sh. You'll wake Wally, he's crashed out. But you know why, don't you... 536 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,710 IN FRENCH ACCENT: .. Mr Oowitt? 537 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,590 ~ I don't know what you're talking about. ~ Yawn! 538 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,990 The bird's exhausted because you spent the last two days 539 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,390 pumping it with pills, the ones by your bed? 540 00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,550 My sleeping pills. 541 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,350 Piracetam isn't a sleeping pill, it's a memory enhancement drug. 542 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,230 You were trying to get the bird to talk. 543 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,590 You thought he knew where Don stashed his cash. 544 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,030 What? There is no cash, he's talking rubbish. 545 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,870 Your vet thinks you weaselled away his pension money. 546 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,790 I know. Crazy(!) 547 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,990 When your pension scheme collapsed, Hammer, I lost everything. 548 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,550 You sank my dream of HMS Hewitt. 549 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,790 I was going to have deck parties. 550 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,630 You ruined my life. 551 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,390 Oh, I haven't even started yet. 552 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,470 You're finished on this island, Hewitt. 553 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,670 I will see to it that you never examine another guinea pig's rectum 554 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,760 ~ for as long as you live! ~ You see if I don't. 555 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,070 You should've known it was the vet. 556 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,150 Those guys have always got sticky fingers. 557 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,110 Which leads me quite neatly on to, can I have my money, please? 558 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,750 Follow me. Bring Wally. 559 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,150 AS DONALD: Follow me. Bring Wally. 560 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,120 ~ Rubbish. ~ Early days. 561 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,910 Just so you know, technically this isn't a payment, 562 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,150 this is a charitable donation. 563 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,310 Fine. 564 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,630 And just so you know, technically this isn't a bird in the bird cage, 565 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,870 it's just a bird cage. 566 00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,510 What? Where's Wally? 567 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,950 ~ He's in a safe place. ~ This is a safe place. 568 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,070 He's in a safe place where there's no danger of him 569 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,630 being put in a pillowcase and thrown over the side of a boat. 570 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:00,670 I want my bird back. 571 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,550 You wanted me to find Wally so you could shut him up for good. 572 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,990 You looked at that parrot and all you saw was a rat 573 00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,190 and you wanted to send that rat to sleep with the fishes. 574 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,750 I'm sorry you had to hear this, Hercules. 575 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:15,390 ~ You know this isn't over between us. ~ I'm so glad you said that. 576 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,950 After all we've been through, let's give it another try. 577 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,310 We owe it to the kids. 578 00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,710 Oh, wait, I forgot, there aren't any. 579 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,100 Bye then. 580 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,300 Oi! 581 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,110 ~ Beer? ~ Cheers, Woody. 582 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,870 Now, where's my money? 583 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,990 I thought you'd never ask. 584 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,350 Ha-ha! Come on, son. Now, what did we say? 585 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,670 80/40, right? 586 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,230 So that is 80 for me 587 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,880 and 40 for me. 588 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,470 Yeah. That seems fair(!) 589 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,910 So, come on, then, what happened with Wally? 590 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,670 Wally's in parrot heaven. 591 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,390 You offed it? After all that? 592 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,470 ~ Birdie Barbara's got it at the sanctuary. ~ Oh. 593 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:58,870 He lives a better life than I do. 594 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,390 Speaking of which, I think the flush has gone on my kettle. 595 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:02,870 Not my problem, old son. 596 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,950 Or yours, by the way, cos I want you gone by the end of the week. 597 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,670 Yeah. You're right, B. 598 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,470 I'll be much better off back in London sharing a cold, grey cell 599 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,630 for 23 hours a day with a 17st armed robber named Mickey. 600 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,270 Me and Mickey get on well at first, 601 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,950 then one Thursday I pick up Mickey's towel by mistake. 602 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,150 Mickey doesn't like that. Mickey really doesn't like that. 603 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,070 "No, Mickey. Please, Mickey. Not like that, Mickey!" 604 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,000 All right. All right. 605 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,230 I'm going to regret this, aren't I? 606 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,590 Thanks, B. You know I'll look after the place. 607 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,750 Listen, Woody, you want to stay at the Shangri-La? 608 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,670 I'm going to need a sizeable deposit. 609 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,320 You're in luck. 610 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,160 ~ Someone left one while I was out. ~ Oh, cor blimey! 611 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,510 I love this place. 612 00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,760 MUSIC: Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash 613 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:55,870 Brutus! 614 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,910 My friend say you're looking for the man with muscle. 615 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,230 Yes, I am. Do you know someone? 616 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,510 He's dead. Such a waste. 617 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,590 He had two or three good months left in him. Curses! 618 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,030 Have you thought about getting him some professional help? 619 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:12,510 ~ Yes. ~ So you're in? 620 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,030 ~ I'm in. ~ Great. It's a date. ~ It is not a date. 621 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,880 Should I stay or should I go now? 622 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,840 Should I stay or should I go now? 623 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,560 If I go there will be trouble 624 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,400 If I stay it will be double 625 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:36,150 So you got to let me know 626 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,760 Should I stay or should I go? 627 00:28:38,810 --> 00:28:43,360 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 49383

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