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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,030
Newspaper?
2
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,030
TANNOY: 'We have now been
cleared for takeoff.
3
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,950
'Please remain seated until the seatbelt
sign has been turned off.'
4
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,600
~ Newspaper?
~ Oh, yes, please. Thank you.
5
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,560
Hmm!
6
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:20,670
Sorry, sir, I need to
stow that for takeoff.
7
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,220
You don't want to read these
things anyway, full of lies.
8
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:29,950
Ah, you saved a seat for me.
9
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,540
You shouldn't have, people will talk.
10
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:35,950
I don't know about you but
if there's an emergency,
11
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,270
I'm not removing my high heels.
12
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,710
Sir, can I have a word? The computer
has flagged that you're travelling
13
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,150
without any luggage at all.
14
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,630
I am required to ask if
there's a reason for this.
15
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,550
Good work. Question asked, job done.
16
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,710
Now, can I get a little packet
of complimentary nuts
17
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:54,630
~ and a mojito on the side, please?
~ Sir, can I see your passport?
18
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,020
Probably not, it's in my pocket.
19
00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,160
Go on, then, as it's you.
20
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,270
It's not that one, it's not that one.
21
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:05,630
It's definitely not that one.
22
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,420
Right, sir, can I take
your name, please?
23
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,520
MUSIC: Stone Cold Sober
by Paloma Faith
24
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,270
'There are two golden rules
when you're on the run.
25
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,420
'One, assume a new identity
as soon as possible...
26
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,830
'.. and two, do everything
you can to keep a low profile.
27
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,750
Zdravstvuyte!
28
00:01:58,800 --> 00:01:59,870
Sorry?
29
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,350
IN RUSSIAN ACCENT: It's Russian
to say hello. I am...
30
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,670
Dr Vladimir Putinofski but you can
call me Dr Vladimir Putinofski.
31
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:07,790
You take me.
32
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,030
I was told the doctor was...
33
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,510
We must go.
34
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:12,390
All right, OK. Well,
let me take your bags.
35
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,310
These are not my bags.
36
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,710
Where you drop me off?
37
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,910
At the conference centre, your
speech starts in 25 minutes.
38
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,070
We should make it.
39
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,670
First you take me to marina.
40
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,390
~ The marina? Well, there's no time.
~ To the marina.
41
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,120
Glasnost!
42
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,910
I have one hour, nine hours maximum.
43
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,670
You wait or no wait,
goodbye in Russian.
44
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:50,990
But...
45
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,510
So, have you worked in a bar before?
46
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,590
No, but I'm a quick learner.
47
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:00,670
Whereabouts you from?
48
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,150
~ Havana.
~ Ah, I don't know the Spanish mainland very well.
49
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,740
It's in Cuba.
50
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:08,550
I know.
51
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,910
I was just saying, I don't know
the Spanish mainland very well.
52
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,510
I'll tell you what. You seem
like a smart enough lad,
53
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,510
I'll put you on probation
starting today.
54
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,510
~ Thank you, Mr Brutus.
~ No, no, please. None of that Mr stuff,
55
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:21,990
call me boss.
56
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,670
~ Yes, boss.
~ And I will call you Zorro.
57
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:26,750
~ But my name is...
~ I don't need to know your name.
58
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,710
My last barman was called Zorro.
59
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,870
The barman before
him was called Zorro
60
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:34,070
and neither of them was called
Zorro, but Zorro I can remember.
61
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,070
Is that all right with you, Zorro?
62
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,230
~ Yes, boss.
~ You'll learn a lot from me.
63
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,870
Here you go, take this
and write this down.
64
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:46,030
Rule number one, always make
the customer feel welcome.
65
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,790
Hello, Brutus.
66
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:48,980
No.
67
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,710
Not you! Get out!
68
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,150
Don't write that down.
69
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,470
Whatever it is, Woody,
I don't want to know.
70
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,270
~ Or that.
~ Brutus, I found a tiny bit of glass in my beer,
71
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,520
~ could I get another one?
~ Huh!
72
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,070
Ah, that one really hit the spot.
73
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,830
How did you find me? Don't
tell me, I'm not interested.
74
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,350
I need a Bloody Mary.
Write that down.
75
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,630
No, don't write that down, make it.
76
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,950
B, I know you're busy at the
moment destroying your bar
77
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,990
~ but could I have a quick word?
~ Zorro, mop. ~ Mop.
78
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:20,590
Out. Mop. Off.
79
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,070
~ Admit it, B, you've missed me.
~ Yes, I missed you twice,
80
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,110
but if I'd have had another bottle,
I'd have got you right in the kisser.
81
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,670
Seriously, can we be serious
for a second? This is serious.
82
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,310
Serious, Woody? You shot me.
83
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,430
With a crossbow.
84
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,750
~ Oh, well, that's all right, then(!)
~ I had to shoot you.
85
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,070
If I hadn't shot you the
Bulgarians would've shot you.
86
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,790
Well, thank goodness you were there
to save me from getting shot
87
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:42,190
~ by shooting me.
~ You're welcome. ~ You got some front, boy.
88
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,710
~ What are you doing here?
~ I'm on the run, people are after me.
89
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,310
Good. What people?
90
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,710
Well, amongst others, the Queen.
91
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,470
Oh, do me a favour!
92
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,830
~ Just give me one minute.
~ Tell it to the mop.
93
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,950
~ Is he always like this?
~ You got 30 seconds.
94
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,750
~ 45.
~ 28, 27...
95
00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:02,110
~ That's not fair, you didn't say go.
~ Life ain't fair. 22, 21... ~ OK, OK!
96
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,430
I was deep undercover
on a corruption case,
97
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,150
this thing went right to the top.
98
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,950
~ Just as I was getting
somewhere, the editor... ~ Is it still Frank?
99
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,990
~ It's still Frank.
~ I hated Frank. ~ Do you mind? These are my seconds.
100
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,270
~ Hey? Oh, sorry, go on.
~ Frank decides to take me off the job and send me
101
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,910
to Buckingham Palace to test
security as a fake footman.
102
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,870
Once I'm in, he tells the
guards I'm a reporter
103
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,070
who's lost his mind and is
trying to get to the Queen.
104
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,670
You're trying to tell me you haven't?
105
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,510
I'm trying to tell you Frank
is dirty, he tried to set me up.
106
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,110
I got away by the skin of my teeth
and the only reason I came here
107
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,670
was to throw myself at the mercy
of the one person in the world
108
00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,030
~ I could...
~ Time's up. ~ .. trust.
109
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,320
You.
110
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,670
Woody...
111
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,670
look at me.
112
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,990
Are you spinning me or is
this story of yours true?
113
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,750
It's not just true...
114
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,830
~ it's true true.
~ You know the rules, son.
115
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,240
You only ever say it is true
true if it is true true.
116
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:54,880
It's true true.
117
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:57,310
Wow.
118
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,510
~ So you'll help me then?
~ No.
119
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,750
Is that a no no or a yes no?
120
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,550
It's a "you'll get whacked into
next week with this mop" no.
121
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,830
Look...
122
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,150
my not-mucking-about-much face.
123
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,140
Really, I'm in trouble.
124
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,630
~ One week.
~ Ten days. Deal. I promise. I'll be gone in a month.
125
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,310
One week. I got a beach apartment.
126
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,110
You can lay low there,
stay out of trouble.
127
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,590
You won't even know I'm there.
Unless you come and visit me,
128
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,510
in which case you'll know I'm there.
Unless I'm not there, in which case you won't know I'm there.
129
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:32,060
To the beach. Where's the beach?
I'll find it. Follow me.
130
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,480
I know. Must be mad.
131
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,270
Ta-da!
132
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,510
Ain't she a beauty?
133
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:50,100
I give you...
134
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,870
.. Shangri-La.
135
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,110
My very own slice of paradise.
136
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:02,550
~ Wow.
~ Exactly. Wow. Yeah, it does have the wow factor, dunnit?
137
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,470
So, what do you think?
138
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,750
I'd say it could do
with a lick of paint,
139
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,350
~ but I don't think it could stand the weight.
~ You don't like it?
140
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,990
I didn't say that.
141
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,150
I don't like it. There,
now I've said it.
142
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:17,390
~ But it ain't in bad nick for what it is.
~ And what exactly is it?
143
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,640
This is where I come to think.
144
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,150
Been here twice in
the last nine years.
145
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,390
Does it have electricity?
146
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,070
Yeah, sometimes. During the storms
if you're really unlucky.
147
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,230
And the dead seagull on the bed?
148
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,950
Ah, I'll throw it in.
149
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,830
In fact, I think I did throw it in.
150
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,990
~ All right. I'll take it.
~ Good.
151
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,590
And I don't want to see you or your
ugly mug anywhere near my bar.
152
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,830
~ Happy?
~ Ecstatic.
153
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:41,510
I might have missed a wing, but
it doesn't seem to have a toilet.
154
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,030
That is where you're wrong, old son.
155
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,960
Nice. And can you point me in
the direction of the shower?
156
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,590
~ The bucket?
~ All mod cons. Make yourself at home.
157
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,840
~ Great. Shall I put the kettle on?
~ You're holding it.
158
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,630
Cordless.
159
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,920
MUSIC: Volare by Gipsy Kings
160
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,350
B, I need a job.
161
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,670
What did I say? You're barred.
162
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,870
And anyway, I haven't got any jobs.
163
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,230
WOODY CLEARS HIS THROAT
164
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,630
I do not want you working here.
165
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:14,670
I'd barely be working.
166
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,430
I'd turn up late, I'd leave
early, you'd hardly notice me.
167
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,270
Zorro, probation's over,
you've got the job.
168
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:23,790
Thank you, boss. I
will not let you down.
169
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,630
In my country we have a saying...
170
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,550
Yeah, brilliant, sounds amazing.
Let me introduce you to the staff.
171
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,240
HE WHISTLES Larenza, come out here.
172
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,150
This is Larenza, she'll show you
the ropes. Larenza, meet Zorro.
173
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,750
LARENZA SPITS
174
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,110
~ She likes you, I can tell.
~ She likes me too, I can tell.
175
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,750
LARENZA GROWLS
176
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,070
Woody, think you should leave
177
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,710
before Larenza rips your
arm out of its socket.
178
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,830
OK. You win. I'm leaving.
179
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,670
~ I'm not leaving.
~ Which one of you's Brutus? ~ I am.
180
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,830
~ No, he's not, I am.
~ Stop it. I am.
181
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,150
~ You stop it. I am.
~ Oh, forget it.
182
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,670
~ He's Brutus.
~ I'm Brutus.
183
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,710
I've got a job that needs handling.
It's a delicate matter.
184
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,310
They come to you with delicate
matters on this island?
185
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,830
I love this place.
186
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,310
I heard you're the go-to guy.
187
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,110
Well, the go-to guy
is the guy to go to,
188
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,790
if you've got to go to the
go-to guy. Flawless logic.
189
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,470
And great hair, do you mousse?
190
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,910
You're the investigator, right?
191
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,550
Journalist. Was. Retired.
Sorry, love, not interested.
192
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,110
Well, my husband's decided
he wants to talk to you.
193
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,230
~ Husband? Boo.
~ And he doesn't take no for an answer.
194
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,350
Just for meeting with him
he'll pay you more money
195
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,630
than you can take here in a month.
196
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,310
~ I suppose a little chat couldn't hurt.
~ Good. Let's go.
197
00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,630
~ Donald's expecting you.
~ Whoa, Donald? Not that Donald?
198
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,670
~ That Donald.
~ That Donald? ~ That Donald? Which Donald?
199
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,510
~ Her Donald.
~ My Donald. ~ Well, I'm glad we straightened that up(!)
200
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,630
While we're doing names,
I'm Woody, and you are?
201
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:51,190
~ Melody.
~ Melody? I'd love to whistle you one of these days.
202
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,470
~ What's that even mean?
~ I don't know.
203
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:54,750
Idiot.
204
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:58,110
Zorro, hold the fort. Larenza,
do not hurt Zorro.
205
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,390
LARENZA GROWLS
206
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,750
Woody, get out of my bar.
207
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,350
Absolutely. Let's go and talk to Don.
208
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,790
No, not you.
209
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,580
Come on, B, I can help.
You know I could.
210
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:10,790
Where we going?
211
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,030
The Orphanage.
212
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,750
Of course we are.
213
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,110
What sort of bloke calls his
superyacht The Orphanage?
214
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,670
You're about to find out.
215
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,820
Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce
you to my husband.
216
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,510
Donald Hammer.
217
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,910
Teflon Donald, the pension poacher.
218
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,070
Dodgy Donald, the wolf of Watford.
219
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,430
You forgot Hammer the scammer.
220
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,190
I prefer Don.
221
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,270
~ Brutus.
~ No, I think he prefers Don.
222
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,190
~ I thought you were in prison?
~ In many ways, I still am.
223
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,990
Trapped out here in exile
on this damn barge
224
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:51,710
with hardly a penny to my name.
225
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,270
Times are hard, I can see.
226
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,710
I don't know how you cope(!)
227
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,150
My charity work keeps my spirits up.
228
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,030
I don't like to talk about it.
229
00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:00,310
Melody?
230
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,230
The Donald Hammer Charity
Foundation Trust
231
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,990
is dedicated to tirelessly improving
the conditions of the many
232
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,030
facilities around the globe for the
benefit of the people it supports.
233
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,230
Snappy. Facilities like?
234
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,350
~ The Orphanage.
~ Exactly.
235
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,110
You know what would really spruce
this orphanage up, some orphans.
236
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,790
Ha-ha-ha(!) And you are?
237
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,190
I'm Woody. I'm Brutus'
work colleague.
238
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:24,430
Ex-work colleague.
239
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,910
Now, now, not in front of the kids.
240
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,070
Oh, yeah, there aren't any.
241
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,150
Ha-ha-ha(!)
242
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,030
Brutus, I appreciate you coming over
243
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:36,470
even if it doesn't look like
I do, that's just my face.
244
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,030
I need help.
245
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,990
My closest friend and
confidante has gone missing.
246
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:44,030
~ There she is.
~ My parrot, Wally, has gone.
247
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,230
~ Awkward.
~ The pension poacher's parrot, the one you took to prison.
248
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,390
The one friend who saw me through
that terrible ordeal.
249
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,430
If it wasn't for my
conversations with Wally,
250
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,910
~ I don't know what I'd have done.
~ You might've gone mad.
251
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,910
Lucky you had a parrot to talk to.
252
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,990
Those chats got me through
some dark times.
253
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,310
And now, someone has taken him.
254
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,710
You think the
parrot-napping was personal?
255
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,070
I may have made a few
enemies over the years.
256
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:10,190
Yeah, I'm guessing anyone over
50 who used to have a pension.
257
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:13,630
~ Not me, way too smart to
waste money on pension plans. ~ It's true.
258
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,270
You'd have to get up pretty early
in the morning to catch Brutus
259
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,870
coming back from the casino.
260
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:19,750
Wally is the only thing in this world
261
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,990
that really means something to me.
262
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,870
I need you to get him back.
263
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:24,990
I'll find your parrot.
264
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,430
My husband's talking to Brutus.
265
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,510
Trust me. If there's one thing
I'm good at, it's finding parrots.
266
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,390
That's if there's one
thing I'm good at.
267
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,520
And trust me, if there
is, it's finding parrots.
268
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:38,190
I know, I know.
269
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,350
But as well as being the most annoying
person you will ever meet,
270
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,950
he is the best investigator
I have ever worked with.
271
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,110
~ Much as I hate to say it, Woody is your man.
~ Thanks, B.
272
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,070
~ We'll split the fee 70/30.
~ 80/40.
273
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,510
Deal. Right. Back to El Baro,
got a till to fill. Ta-ra.
274
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,550
~ Still got your catchphrases, then?
~ You betcha!
275
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,830
So, where was the parrot taken from?
276
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,110
Follow me.
277
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,350
To the ends of the Earth. Or
next door, whichever's closer.
278
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,270
You definitely mousse.
279
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,110
This is mine and Wally's special
room, just for the two of us.
280
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,310
And a rabbit.
281
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,390
Oh, yeah, Hercules. I bought
him as a pet for Wally.
282
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,150
Seems sensible. So when did
you find Wally was missing?
283
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,510
I didn't. My vet, Mr Hewitt, did.
284
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,150
Comes twice a week to
give Wally his check-up.
285
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,590
But he came yesterday and the window
was open and the cage was empty.
286
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,390
You don't think Wally
could've escaped?
287
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,310
Parrots are pretty clever, they
can ride bikes and pirates.
288
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,510
He was kept in a locked cage.
289
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,070
Well, it seems like I should
start by visiting this vet.
290
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,430
But I better borrow your bunny as a
bluff if you'd bestow your blessing.
291
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,110
Are you always like this?
292
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,230
No. Sometimes I wear a hat.
293
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,150
~ Blimey.
~ IN FRENCH ACCENT: 'Allo.
294
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,710
~ And you are?
~ Monsieur Patchouli Oil.
295
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,630
Here, take it, take it.
296
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:05,070
His name is Juliette Binoche, I
name him before I know he's a boy.
297
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,910
The other rabbits, they tease him.
298
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,190
Come through, would you?
299
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,550
I most certainly would.
300
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,150
~ Oh, my God!
~ What is it?
301
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,630
Those blinds, they make
my eyes want to be sick.
302
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,870
And this flooring, it all has to go.
303
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,710
Don't argue with me. Do not argue.
304
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,110
I am, how you say, interior designer?
305
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,270
~ Interior designer.
~ That is it.
306
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,430
I am very expensive,
you could not afford me.
307
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,950
Shut up, you could not.
308
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,390
~ Shall we just talk about your rabbit?
~ Is it bad news?
309
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,350
I don't know yet. What
seems to be the problem?
310
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,950
Well, that jacket is doing
you no favours for a start.
311
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,310
~ No, with the rabbit?
~ He is depressed.
312
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,750
His va-va-voom, it
has va-va gone away.
313
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,910
Look at him. He looks so sick.
314
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,790
This rabbit is as sick as a parrot.
315
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,910
Is that the right word? Parrot?
316
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,480
Parrot? Yes.
317
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,720
Do you mind if I examine
Juliette Binoche?
318
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:57,870
This office, it is all wrong.
319
00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,070
I hate the filing cabinets,
I hate the window,
320
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,430
I hate the wall by the window,
I hate the wooden wheel.
321
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,190
I really hate it.
322
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,430
~ And what is this?
~ It's a bell.
323
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,870
~ RINGS BELL
~ I hate it.
324
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,990
~ Please, don't do that.
~ I hate this sound.
325
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:14,190
Don't you hate this sound? The
ding, the dong, it is all wrong.
326
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,510
~ RINGS BELL
~ Look, Mr Patchouli Oil, please!
327
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,390
And what is written
here? HMS "Oowitt".
328
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,350
~ What is Oowitt?
~ It's my name, Hewitt.
329
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,830
~ Oowitt.
~ Hewitt.
330
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,350
~ Oowitt.
~ Hewitt.
331
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,390
Whatever. It is from your boat?
332
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,350
Yes. Well, no, maybe
one day, probably never.
333
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,910
Do you mind taking a seat?
334
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,160
In these trousers, are you
crazy? And what is in here?
335
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:41,030
This is for you and the lady at
the front desk, you naughty man.
336
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,350
I cannot condemn you,
I have done worse.
337
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,830
I just sometimes... I sleep
at the surgery, that's all.
338
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,150
I'm having a bit of trouble at home.
339
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,070
~ You're married?
~ No.
340
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,430
Me also.
341
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,230
Oh, what is this?
342
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,750
Piracetam.
343
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,310
They help put the ding in the dong?
344
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,790
They're my sleeping pills.
Thank you so much.
345
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,910
No, thank you very much. You
have cured Juliette Binoche.
346
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,910
Oh, look how happy he looks. Oh.
347
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,550
We must settle up.
348
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,470
Could I have the...? How you say?
349
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,190
~ Can I have the bill?
~ Certainly.
350
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,430
I shall put it in the post along
with the design for the new blinds.
351
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:18,820
Bonjour.
352
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,910
'Something smelled
fishy at the vet's,
353
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,150
'but it was a vet's so
it could've been fish.
354
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,150
'I thought I should widen my
net, so I hooked up with someone
355
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:32,070
'who had every reason
to resent that parrot.'
356
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,390
Melody. We have got to
stop meeting like this.
357
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,270
People might get the right idea.
358
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,950
~ I got your message. What do you want?
~ Good question.
359
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,990
Shall we go for five courses
or the taster menu?
360
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,110
I'm ravishing. No, I meant famishing.
361
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,470
No, I was right the first time.
362
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,670
Donald knows I'm here.
363
00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,830
Ah, yes, love's young dream. How
long have you two been married?
364
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,830
Oh, I don't know, what is it now?
365
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:56,430
Ah, 28 weeks, four days,
three hours and 17 minutes.
366
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,590
That's a nice watch.
Set you back much?
367
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,110
~ It's not a watch, technically.
~ Technically what is it?
368
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,270
Technically it's a trust fund
for a turtle reserve in Florida.
369
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,870
I feel bad about the turtles
but on the other hand...
370
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,670
Is an enormous ring. Wow!
371
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,190
That thing's bigger than my house.
372
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,990
Let's cut to it, shall we?
One grifter to another.
373
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,110
I didn't take his parrot, I'm
in this for the long game.
374
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:18,950
~ Snooker.
~ Money.
375
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,430
Damn. I was going to
say money, I panicked.
376
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:24,790
Delightful Don stole the pensions
of half the western world.
377
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,710
I'm going to find out
where he keeps his money
378
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,150
and I'm going to steal it back.
379
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,430
I get it. Steal from the
rich and give to the poor.
380
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:33,590
~ Half right.
~ There was me thinking you were jealous
381
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,110
~ of Donald's relationship with his parrot.
~ Let me tell you,
382
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,110
everything wasn't perfect
between those two.
383
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,630
Trouble in PARROT-dise?
384
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,510
Donald was always telling
him to shut up.
385
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,390
You think Donald popped
his own parrot?
386
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,190
No, it's not his style. Besides...
387
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,310
read this.
388
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,030
It was sent to Donald
about a month ago.
389
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,070
"You make me sick. Give up the bird,
you monster. You're an animal."
390
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:58,190
~ Why didn't he show me this?
~ He hasn't seen it.
391
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,790
You've been intercepting his mail?
392
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:03,510
Yeah, course I have, I'm his wife
and I'm trying to steal his money.
393
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,510
~ Letter's signed at the bottom.
~ "Yours sincerely, Barbara Simms,
394
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,910
"Director of the Piqo Park
Tropical Bird Sanctuary."
395
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,830
It's on the other side of the island.
396
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:13,110
I could offer you a lift
but I've got an appointment
397
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,390
with sitting on the deck of
my 120ft yacht doing nothing.
398
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,230
Sorry(!)
399
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,870
'Melody obviously didn't
want our lunch date to end.
400
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,870
'But I had another
suspect to suspect.
401
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:26,350
'It was time to get birdie
Barbara in a flap.
402
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,790
'To get some answers, I thought
I'd have a sticky beak
403
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,990
'and ruffle some feathers.
404
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,510
'I told you I sometimes wear a hat.'
405
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,670
Can I help you?
406
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:40,670
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: I hope for your
sake you can. What's your name, son?
407
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,430
~ Ralph.
~ Is that with an R? ~ Who are you?
408
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,910
I'm your worst nightmare, missy.
409
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,950
John J Johnson, Senior
Parrot Inspector
410
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,790
for the Exotic Bird Legacy of Europe,
North America and Canada.
411
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,750
~ Never heard of it.
~ That's a code four violation right there.
412
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,310
And you, missy, why's your hair down?
413
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,630
Do you know what could happen
if an owl got hold of that?
414
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,270
You should wear it up and maybe
knot your shirt up in front,
415
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,990
~ something for the dads.
~ I think you need to speak to Barbara.
416
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,270
No. I think I need
to speak to Barbara.
417
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,390
Susie, go and get Barbara.
418
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,190
Feisty, like an ostrich.
OK, Ralphy, spot check.
419
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,950
What's the wing span of a larger
than average peregrine falcon?
420
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,110
Too slow. That's a code 44.
421
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,390
You're on suspension, son,
effective immediately.
422
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,190
You need to leave these
premises right now
423
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,670
~ or we're going to shut down.
~ But... ~ Sh.
424
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,510
It's over, Ralphy. The dream's over.
425
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,670
But it never was your
dream. This isn't you.
426
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,820
What do you really want
to do with your life? Hmm?
427
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,510
I want to be a professional
ice hockey player.
428
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,630
And so you shall.
429
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,030
Go, Ralphy, follow your dream. Run.
430
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,310
Run. Go. That's it, Ralphy.
431
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,110
Run, run like a hawk.
432
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,190
Mr Johnson?
433
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,230
Mr John J Johnson of the CJDACCACC.
Shall we get on with the spot check?
434
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,350
I didn't know anything
about a spot check.
435
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,470
That, Barbara, is the nature of spot
checks. But if everything's in order
436
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,870
~ then we shouldn't have to issue any fines.
~ Fines?
437
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:04,070
We can't afford fines, we're barely
breaking even at the moment.
438
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,110
Barbara, Babs, I'm
one of the good guys.
439
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,190
I actually used to be
a parrot trainer myself.
440
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,870
Really? Where?
441
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,230
Las Vegas.
442
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,430
I handled all the parrot stuff
for Celine Dion, till, of course,
443
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,390
~ she forgot the safe word.
~ Oh, what happened?
444
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,190
The doctors did an amazing job.
445
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,910
You'd never guess it was a glass
eye to look at her. Staff?
446
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,230
Oh, there are only a
few of us at the moment
447
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,030
~ but we're working on getting
some investment very soon. ~ Mm-hm.
448
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,030
At the moment there's just me and
my assistant, Susie, who you've met.
449
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,070
~ Yes.
~ And Ralph, of course, he does all our displays.
450
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:35,950
In fact, he's just
about to start a show,
451
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,990
so why don't we start there and
then you can meet him afterwards?
452
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,470
Ah, right.
453
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,870
Is there a problem?
454
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,350
Slight hitch, Barbara.
455
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,230
Ralph is on suspension
pending an unsuspension.
456
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,550
What?
457
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,630
No! What we going to do?!
458
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,710
He's the only bird trainer we've
got. We can't cancel the show.
459
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,310
Don't worry, Barbara, trust me.
460
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,280
The show will go on.
461
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:03,430
Ladies and gentlemen.
462
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,310
Madames et monsieurs.
463
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,830
Frauleins...
464
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,470
and gentlemen,
465
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,710
welcome to the magical
world of birds...
466
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:13,990
of prey.
467
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:18,670
My name is John J Johnson
and this is what I do.
468
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,790
~ What's your name, son?
~ Malcolm.
469
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,720
He's got no reason to lie, ladies
and gentlemen, big hand for Malcolm.
470
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,110
Don't get up, Malcolm.
471
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:33,270
Ah, here comes our first bird of
prey with my lovely assistant, Jeff.
472
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,630
What a beauty.
473
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,670
This bird is almost
definitely an eagle
474
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,510
and his name...
475
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,750
is Vince Vaughn.
476
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,750
His plumage is what it is,
477
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,630
and his natural habitat
is... up in the air.
478
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,950
Shall we get him up there?
479
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,190
CROWD: Yes!
480
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:53,910
To the skies, Jeff.
481
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,750
Fly, Vince Vaughn, fly.
482
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,550
That's it, Vince, swoop.
483
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,110
Flap about.
484
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,150
Keep flapping.
485
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:05,920
Good boy, Vince.
486
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,830
Aye, don't come back.
487
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,390
Vince is off to find some live
mice so that he can partially
488
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:18,950
digest their entrails and then suck
them back up again for his kids.
489
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,470
Great. This is a doddle.
490
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:22,990
Right, Jeff, who's next?
491
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,870
BIRD SQUAWKS
492
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,550
Oh, he's a big laddie.
493
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,430
That is a vulture
494
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:32,550
and his name is John Terry.
495
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,950
John is the weight
of three lawnmowers
496
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,710
and can smell a hamster
from 40 miles.
497
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:39,350
Want to see John do his stuff?
498
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,790
CROWD: Yes!
499
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,830
Hey, John, I'm going to use this.
500
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:45,480
Are you ready?
501
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,520
CROWD GASPS
502
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:55,550
John...
503
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:56,870
don't.
504
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,270
No, John. Jeff!
505
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,190
No.
506
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,230
No, John. Stay.
507
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:08,270
John! Jeff! No.
508
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,910
Stay, John.
509
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,350
Jeff!
510
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,340
CROWD GASPS AND SCREAMS
511
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,110
The baby's fine.
512
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:20,670
The baby's fine.
513
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,350
They don't remember
anything at this age!
514
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,070
Ladies and gentlemen, you have
been a wonderful audience.
515
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,720
My name is John J
Johnson, good night.
516
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,910
'One thing was obvious. Barbara
may have been parrot crazy
517
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,150
'but she didn't strike
me as a bird-napper,
518
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,710
'which led me to only one conclusion
519
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,910
'about who had taken
the talking parrot.'
520
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,110
AS DONALD: Hello? It's
me. Come quickly.
521
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,630
I think I know who's got the parrot.
522
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,550
What part of this are you
not getting, you stupid man?
523
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,350
I did not phone you.
524
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,830
It was less than an hour ago.
525
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,190
Are you sure you didn't
call him, sweetheart?
526
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,950
If anyone's going to call him
sweetheart, it's going to be me.
527
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,910
Hello, sweetheart. You're busted.
528
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,750
But... You?
529
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,310
IN FRENCH ACCENT: Oui, it is
me, Monsieur Pachoulithingy.
530
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:10,510
NORMALLY: Or is it me...?
531
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,590
AS DONALD: I think I know
who's got the parrot.
532
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,350
~ Nothing like me.
~ AS DONALD: It's nothing like me.
533
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,750
That is pretty amazing...
534
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:20,670
Nothing like my dear
husband. How dare you?
535
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,230
Sh. You'll wake Wally, he's crashed
out. But you know why, don't you...
536
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,710
IN FRENCH ACCENT: .. Mr Oowitt?
537
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:28,590
~ I don't know what you're talking about.
~ Yawn!
538
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,990
The bird's exhausted because
you spent the last two days
539
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:33,390
pumping it with pills,
the ones by your bed?
540
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:34,550
My sleeping pills.
541
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:38,350
Piracetam isn't a sleeping pill,
it's a memory enhancement drug.
542
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,230
You were trying to
get the bird to talk.
543
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,590
You thought he knew where
Don stashed his cash.
544
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,030
What? There is no cash,
he's talking rubbish.
545
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,870
Your vet thinks you weaselled
away his pension money.
546
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,790
I know. Crazy(!)
547
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,990
When your pension scheme collapsed,
Hammer, I lost everything.
548
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,550
You sank my dream of HMS Hewitt.
549
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,790
I was going to have deck parties.
550
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,630
You ruined my life.
551
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,390
Oh, I haven't even started yet.
552
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,470
You're finished on
this island, Hewitt.
553
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,670
I will see to it that you never examine
another guinea pig's rectum
554
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,760
~ for as long as you live!
~ You see if I don't.
555
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,070
You should've known it was the vet.
556
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:20,150
Those guys have always
got sticky fingers.
557
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:23,110
Which leads me quite neatly on
to, can I have my money, please?
558
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,750
Follow me. Bring Wally.
559
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,150
AS DONALD: Follow me. Bring Wally.
560
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,120
~ Rubbish.
~ Early days.
561
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,910
Just so you know, technically
this isn't a payment,
562
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,150
this is a charitable donation.
563
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,310
Fine.
564
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,630
And just so you know, technically
this isn't a bird in the bird cage,
565
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,870
it's just a bird cage.
566
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,510
What? Where's Wally?
567
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,950
~ He's in a safe place.
~ This is a safe place.
568
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,070
He's in a safe place where
there's no danger of him
569
00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:59,630
being put in a pillowcase and
thrown over the side of a boat.
570
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:00,670
I want my bird back.
571
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,550
You wanted me to find Wally so
you could shut him up for good.
572
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,990
You looked at that parrot
and all you saw was a rat
573
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,190
and you wanted to send that
rat to sleep with the fishes.
574
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,750
I'm sorry you had to
hear this, Hercules.
575
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:15,390
~ You know this isn't over between us.
~ I'm so glad you said that.
576
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,950
After all we've been through,
let's give it another try.
577
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:19,310
We owe it to the kids.
578
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,710
Oh, wait, I forgot, there aren't any.
579
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:23,100
Bye then.
580
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,300
Oi!
581
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,110
~ Beer?
~ Cheers, Woody.
582
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,870
Now, where's my money?
583
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,990
I thought you'd never ask.
584
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,350
Ha-ha! Come on, son.
Now, what did we say?
585
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:42,670
80/40, right?
586
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,230
So that is 80 for me
587
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,880
and 40 for me.
588
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:49,470
Yeah. That seems fair(!)
589
00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,910
So, come on, then, what
happened with Wally?
590
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,670
Wally's in parrot heaven.
591
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,390
You offed it? After all that?
592
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,470
~ Birdie Barbara's got it at the sanctuary.
~ Oh.
593
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:58,870
He lives a better life than I do.
594
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,390
Speaking of which, I think the
flush has gone on my kettle.
595
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:02,870
Not my problem, old son.
596
00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:05,950
Or yours, by the way, cos I want
you gone by the end of the week.
597
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,670
Yeah. You're right, B.
598
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,470
I'll be much better off back in
London sharing a cold, grey cell
599
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,630
for 23 hours a day with a 17st
armed robber named Mickey.
600
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,270
Me and Mickey get on well at first,
601
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,950
then one Thursday I pick up
Mickey's towel by mistake.
602
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,150
Mickey doesn't like that. Mickey
really doesn't like that.
603
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,070
"No, Mickey. Please, Mickey.
Not like that, Mickey!"
604
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:26,000
All right. All right.
605
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,230
I'm going to regret this, aren't I?
606
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,590
Thanks, B. You know I'll
look after the place.
607
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,750
Listen, Woody, you want
to stay at the Shangri-La?
608
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:36,670
I'm going to need a sizeable deposit.
609
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,320
You're in luck.
610
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:43,160
~ Someone left one while I was out.
~ Oh, cor blimey!
611
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,510
I love this place.
612
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:51,760
MUSIC: Should I Stay Or
Should I Go by The Clash
613
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:55,870
Brutus!
614
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,910
My friend say you're looking
for the man with muscle.
615
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:01,230
Yes, I am. Do you know someone?
616
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,510
He's dead. Such a waste.
617
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,590
He had two or three good
months left in him. Curses!
618
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,030
Have you thought about getting
him some professional help?
619
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:12,510
~ Yes.
~ So you're in?
620
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,030
~ I'm in.
~ Great. It's a date. ~ It is not a date.
621
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,880
Should I stay or should I go now?
622
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,840
Should I stay or should I go now?
623
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,560
If I go there will be trouble
624
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,400
If I stay it will be double
625
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:36,150
So you got to let me know
626
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,760
Should I stay or should I go?
627
00:28:38,810 --> 00:28:43,360
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