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(Tessa) Now that I was dating Ryan Shay,
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00:00:03,277 --> 00:00:05,967
I found myself spending
an unnatural amount of time
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00:00:05,952 --> 00:00:07,711
with his biggest fan... Sheila.
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(Sheila) Give it to me, son!
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Give it to me. Come on, I can take it!
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(Singsongy) I want it!
Come on. Bring it to mama!
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I'm gonna give it to her.
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Are you ready to watch
me give it to my mom?
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00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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(Thwack)
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Net!
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Damn it!
13
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(Sheila) Focus, Ryan!
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Focus! Come on, baby!
15
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Focus on delivering
your balls right to mama!
16
00:00:31,270 --> 00:00:35,354
Focus on delivering the
balls right here! Focus, Ryan!
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00:00:35,389 --> 00:00:37,638
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.
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(Ball bouncing)
19
00:00:50,595 --> 00:00:51,677
Aah!
20
00:00:51,884 --> 00:00:53,254
Oh! Ow!
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00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:55,038
Yes! In your face!
22
00:00:55,158 --> 00:00:56,089
Yes! Whoo!
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Chest me! Chest me!
24
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What? What? Oh, my! Ow!
25
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Ryan, I need some ice.
26
00:01:00,249 --> 00:01:01,813
I need some ice. I think
I sprained my wrist!
27
00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:03,527
- Whoo!
- I think I sprained my wrist.
28
00:01:04,835 --> 00:01:06,599
Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom,
29
00:01:06,618 --> 00:01:08,051
can we do a little girl-on-girl?
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00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,752
I mean, it... depends.
31
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:12,199
I want your take on the Lisa of it all.
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What does that mean?
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By now, we all expected her
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to come to her senses
and reconcile with Malik.
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Malik was the whole package...
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00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,115
chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor,
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00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:25,437
supple, dewy skin, which,
as you know, won't crack.
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00:01:25,456 --> 00:01:26,526
Yeah...
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00:01:26,646 --> 00:01:28,336
I... I don't think she's
getting back together with Malik.
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Let's be honest.
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The boys aren't exactly lining up
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00:01:30,692 --> 00:01:31,958
outside our door to meet her.
43
00:01:31,993 --> 00:01:35,548
And there's a very strong
genetic predisposition
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00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,637
towards spinsterhood in
the Shay family. (Gasps)
45
00:01:37,632 --> 00:01:39,032
Is it okay if I get ribs?
46
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Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger.
47
00:01:40,785 --> 00:01:41,986
Lisa has needs, Tessa,
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and we need to find someone
who's gonna meet them.
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I don't know.
50
00:01:46,365 --> 00:01:49,008
I mean, when Lisa and
Malik first started dating,
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00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,457
they actually tried to set me up,
52
00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:52,015
and I really resented it.
53
00:01:52,284 --> 00:01:53,967
How do you even know
that Lisa wants us to...
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(Lisa) I want you to.
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00:01:55,431 --> 00:01:57,928
I can't chase balls forever, Tessa.
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I don't have the knees for it.
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- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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(Alih Jey) * last night I
had a pleasant nightmare *
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00:02:08,071 --> 00:02:11,123
da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da
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00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:14,715
Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about?
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00:02:15,021 --> 00:02:17,861
Okay, you know how Yakult
has been super depressed
62
00:02:17,893 --> 00:02:20,614
since Noah Werner stole
our dog Walker Ashanti?
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00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,316
Dallas, I really don't
wanna be in the middle
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00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:23,735
of this feud between you and Noah.
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00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,044
Yakult is suicidal, George.
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That dog Walker and her were besties.
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00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:33,007
Okay. Have... have you tried
buying Yakult a new squeaky toy?
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00:02:33,032 --> 00:02:34,320
A new squeaky toy?
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00:02:34,358 --> 00:02:37,543
George, she's questioning
her purpose on planet earth.
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00:02:37,555 --> 00:02:40,033
A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone
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00:02:40,045 --> 00:02:41,240
is not gonna cut it.
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So... I called in a professional.
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A professional?
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(Sitar music playing)
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- Yani.
- Yoni.
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00:02:56,276 --> 00:02:57,238
What... what's that?
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(Foreign accent) Yoni.
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00:02:58,565 --> 00:03:00,829
Ah. Right. Forgive me.
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00:03:00,949 --> 00:03:03,156
I will forgive you when I
hear you say it correctly.
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00:03:03,206 --> 00:03:07,104
"Yoni." Your lips... they must purse
81
00:03:07,135 --> 00:03:09,250
ever so slightly to make this sound...
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"Yoni."
83
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:13,893
Like you're giving a kiss to
a lover you thought was gone.
84
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Now suddenly... he's back.
85
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Yoni.
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00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,659
Yoni.
87
00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,530
(Whispers) Yoni.
88
00:03:26,542 --> 00:03:27,124
Okay, you can stop.
89
00:03:27,149 --> 00:03:29,256
I'm never saying your name again. George.
90
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,610
Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy
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00:03:31,635 --> 00:03:33,612
and bring her back from
the dark pit of despair.
92
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,283
And for this, he has to be shirtless?
93
00:03:35,333 --> 00:03:36,630
Oh, jealousy...
94
00:03:36,615 --> 00:03:38,932
On top of insecurity, on top of...
95
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:42,021
Painful gases from the heavy breakfast.
96
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,022
Wrong.
97
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,711
I had fruit. So...
98
00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:49,076
What are you looking
for in a man, primarily?
99
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:50,296
Limbs.
100
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:51,906
I mean, I'd like it if he had four,
101
00:03:51,906 --> 00:03:53,347
but I'd certainly be okay with three.
102
00:03:53,351 --> 00:03:54,348
Or two.
103
00:03:54,408 --> 00:03:55,584
I mean, I guess if he was armless,
104
00:03:55,584 --> 00:03:57,543
we couldn't hold hands, but...
105
00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,639
Yeah, I would consider dating a torso.
106
00:04:00,759 --> 00:04:03,136
"Must... have...
107
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,856
Torso."
108
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:06,846
Anything else?
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00:04:08,023 --> 00:04:08,848
No.
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Lisa,
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00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:11,884
you're selling yourself short.
112
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,573
I had a dream last night, Tessa...
113
00:04:16,349 --> 00:04:19,571
And it was sobering.
114
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,008
(Lisa) The year was 2037.
115
00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:25,615
(Tessa) Uh, it said "year 2037"
at the bottom of your dream?
116
00:04:25,622 --> 00:04:27,480
(Door creaks) Yes. Fred
and Sheila were gone.
117
00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:29,169
Long gone. Dead and buried.
118
00:04:29,188 --> 00:04:30,426
But I was still living at home...
119
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,435
(Meowing) In my old room full of cats.
120
00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:33,854
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop...
121
00:04:33,867 --> 00:04:35,922
I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?
122
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:39,526
That's ridiculous. I
don't need a man, okay?
123
00:04:39,548 --> 00:04:42,583
I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky...
124
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,356
Sassafras... Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens,
125
00:04:46,381 --> 00:04:48,487
Kat Corbett, Kathmandu,
126
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:51,299
Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers,
127
00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:54,541
Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul, Patches...
128
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,792
Jeff Garlin.
129
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,432
You named one of your cats "Jeff Garlin"?
130
00:04:59,438 --> 00:05:01,853
I named one of my cats
"Cream Cheese Rangoon."
131
00:05:02,266 --> 00:05:05,313
Anyway, I'm sure you can see
why the dream was upsetting.
132
00:05:05,344 --> 00:05:08,429
So please, Tessa, I need your help.
133
00:05:08,817 --> 00:05:10,313
I do not wanna die alone
134
00:05:10,327 --> 00:05:12,797
in a bed full of animal dander.
135
00:05:12,917 --> 00:05:15,465
Just don't set me up
with any weirdos, okay?
136
00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:17,940
O... kay.
137
00:05:18,969 --> 00:05:21,125
(Clatters) You want me
to put Yakult in a cage
138
00:05:21,143 --> 00:05:23,072
like some kind of circus freak?
139
00:05:23,107 --> 00:05:25,085
Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate.
140
00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:27,024
And the guy at the pet
store said anxious dogs
141
00:05:27,044 --> 00:05:28,156
find crates soothing.
142
00:05:28,175 --> 00:05:31,028
So your plan is to sentence
this doggie to prison?
143
00:05:31,148 --> 00:05:32,949
On what grounds, George?
144
00:05:32,983 --> 00:05:34,632
Third-degree cuteness?
145
00:05:34,645 --> 00:05:36,240
Look, you can leave the door unlocked
146
00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:38,202
so she can come and go as she pleases.
147
00:05:38,211 --> 00:05:40,845
Oh, my goodness. I wish you could feel
148
00:05:40,870 --> 00:05:43,529
- how hard her heart is beating right now.
- Really? Okay.
149
00:05:43,567 --> 00:05:46,019
(Whimpers) You see,
Yakult might be stressed
150
00:05:46,031 --> 00:05:47,912
because this house is too big,
151
00:05:47,908 --> 00:05:51,475
and she feels responsible for securing it,
152
00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:52,914
whereas in her...
153
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,272
Filthy prison cell?
154
00:05:54,509 --> 00:05:56,449
George, I can't! Set her free!
155
00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:58,614
Dallas, can we just try this, please?
156
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,096
He doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman
157
00:06:00,096 --> 00:06:04,401
to Shawshank her! I beg you! Attica!
158
00:06:04,401 --> 00:06:07,179
I thought you were interested
in making Yakult less anxious.
159
00:06:07,204 --> 00:06:09,112
- I know how to make her less anxious.
- Oh.
160
00:06:09,143 --> 00:06:10,445
Keep away you.
161
00:06:10,695 --> 00:06:13,059
I'm sorry, but that was a real...
162
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,049
fragmented sentence.
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00:06:15,237 --> 00:06:16,492
Keep away who?
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00:06:17,226 --> 00:06:18,771
This man. This George.
165
00:06:18,777 --> 00:06:20,016
Come on. Dallas... (Whimpers)
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00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:22,124
His negative energy is upsetting Yakult.
167
00:06:22,156 --> 00:06:24,126
She doesn't even look at him
as a leader... (Yakult yapping)
168
00:06:24,690 --> 00:06:25,935
or even handsome.
169
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,606
Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh.
170
00:06:28,726 --> 00:06:32,004
(Whimpering) Y'all,
she's shaking like a leaf.
171
00:06:32,047 --> 00:06:34,181
She can't be around all this bickering.
172
00:06:34,218 --> 00:06:36,890
Perhaps... one of us should leave.
173
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:39,218
Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us should leave.
174
00:06:41,007 --> 00:06:42,571
Okay, we'll see you later, George.
175
00:06:42,691 --> 00:06:44,311
Really? Me?
176
00:06:44,323 --> 00:06:46,119
Well, Yoni's on the clock.
177
00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:48,558
Right.
178
00:06:49,041 --> 00:06:50,185
Okay. Good luck.
179
00:06:50,305 --> 00:06:53,069
Uh... well, George, I... (Cage squeaks)
180
00:07:00,471 --> 00:07:02,655
You know, I gotta... I
gotta be honest here, Dallas.
181
00:07:03,306 --> 00:07:04,594
If the shoe was on the other foot,
182
00:07:04,645 --> 00:07:05,952
I think you'd be flippin' out right now.
183
00:07:05,962 --> 00:07:07,854
Nonsense. You had your ex-wife
184
00:07:07,873 --> 00:07:09,568
stay over at your place on Thanksgiving,
185
00:07:09,593 --> 00:07:10,876
and I didn't bat an eye.
186
00:07:10,870 --> 00:07:12,766
- That was for Tessa.
- This is for Yakult.
187
00:07:12,886 --> 00:07:14,242
Yoni's just staying here
188
00:07:14,261 --> 00:07:16,564
until my puppy's chi is back to chingy.
189
00:07:16,883 --> 00:07:18,854
George, I want you to trust me.
190
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,081
It's not you I don't trust.
191
00:07:22,388 --> 00:07:23,552
It's him.
192
00:07:23,672 --> 00:07:26,042
(New age music playing)
193
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,649
No more wheat for you.
194
00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:33,075
She's like a terrorist...
(Whispers) in your colon.
195
00:07:33,094 --> 00:07:34,751
(Toast thuds)
196
00:07:38,737 --> 00:07:40,282
Mmm.
197
00:07:42,828 --> 00:07:43,867
Mm.
198
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:47,721
You are the flower, Jill Warner.
199
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:49,942
You are the flower.
200
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:54,847
You must hydrate if you want your bud...
201
00:07:56,568 --> 00:07:57,738
to open.
202
00:07:57,858 --> 00:07:58,923
Ohh.
203
00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,958
Oh, my.
204
00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:02,274
Oh.
205
00:08:02,336 --> 00:08:04,664
- Did he just open your bud?
- Ohh.
206
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:08,111
Unreal. I've been trying to
get her bud open since college.
207
00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,187
Mmm.
208
00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:11,569
She's never expressed
any interest in bud play.
209
00:08:11,603 --> 00:08:13,241
Okay, excuse me, Yoni.
210
00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:16,574
Oh. His aura sting my eyes,
211
00:08:16,694 --> 00:08:19,644
like too many shampoo bubbles.
212
00:08:19,678 --> 00:08:21,738
Seriously, when he comes near me,
213
00:08:21,738 --> 00:08:23,653
- I feel... I cry.
- You know what?
214
00:08:23,773 --> 00:08:26,587
You may have fooled Dallas
and... and Noah and Jill,
215
00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,034
and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later,
216
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,986
the people of this town are gonna see you
217
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,244
for what you actually are.
218
00:08:32,269 --> 00:08:33,691
You're right.
219
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,116
(Clears throat)
220
00:08:35,236 --> 00:08:36,667
What?
221
00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:38,250
What?
222
00:08:38,895 --> 00:08:40,365
Yeah.
223
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,093
For a second, I forgot
which town I lived in.
224
00:08:44,913 --> 00:08:46,115
Come to me...
225
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,827
and look into my eyes.
226
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:51,730
So a lot of people are
finding love online nowadays.
227
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:53,748
Perverts, hoarders, deviants.
228
00:08:53,754 --> 00:08:57,769
Yes, but also nice people
looking for companionship,
229
00:08:57,803 --> 00:08:58,737
like Lisa.
230
00:08:58,771 --> 00:09:00,071
Tessa, I'm gonna stop you.
231
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:02,374
I want us to find a suitor for Lisa
232
00:09:02,408 --> 00:09:03,842
the old-fashioned way...
233
00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,343
in our dining room.
234
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,519
So... what makes you think you'd
be a good fit for this position?
235
00:09:08,639 --> 00:09:10,403
We... well, I'm... I'm reliable.
236
00:09:10,523 --> 00:09:12,461
Uh, I mow the Biedermans'
lawn every weekend.
237
00:09:12,581 --> 00:09:14,550
Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings,
238
00:09:14,544 --> 00:09:16,290
which a lot of guys don't do.
239
00:09:16,803 --> 00:09:17,889
Jeff.
240
00:09:19,024 --> 00:09:21,139
Did you lure this child here
241
00:09:21,170 --> 00:09:22,794
under false pretenses?
242
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,501
Reggie, what if I told you that
the lawn I wanted you to mow
243
00:09:26,501 --> 00:09:28,565
was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter?
244
00:09:29,166 --> 00:09:31,124
Well, w... would that be a paying job?
245
00:09:31,161 --> 00:09:33,565
Because I... I thought... I thought
I was here about a paying job.
246
00:09:33,599 --> 00:09:35,141
Yeah. There is a small stipend.
247
00:09:35,261 --> 00:09:36,334
- Oh, okay.
- What?
248
00:09:36,369 --> 00:09:37,318
You can't do that.
249
00:09:37,356 --> 00:09:39,185
You can't pay somebody to date Lisa.
250
00:09:39,207 --> 00:09:40,890
Well, it's either that or cousin Tate.
251
00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:43,149
Who I know firsthand is
from a good family. (Laughs)
252
00:09:43,812 --> 00:09:45,651
No. Lisa can't date one of her cousins.
253
00:09:45,639 --> 00:09:47,247
I shouldn't have to tell you that.
254
00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:49,574
Oh, Tessa. Plenty of
respectable cousin couples
255
00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:50,744
have found love together.
256
00:09:50,864 --> 00:09:52,020
Look at the Giulianis.
257
00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:53,718
It's a "no."
258
00:09:53,998 --> 00:09:56,713
You know, it's the taboo
that makes it thrilling.
259
00:09:57,251 --> 00:09:58,127
Right?
260
00:09:58,247 --> 00:09:59,259
Yeah.
261
00:09:59,592 --> 00:10:02,525
- Release.
-(Tessa) Meanwhile, Yoni was one sage leaf closer
262
00:10:02,556 --> 00:10:04,433
to getting what he wanted from the Royces.
263
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,780
Let go of all your negative energy.
264
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:07,781
You must.
265
00:10:08,669 --> 00:10:10,402
One of my spiritual
teachers taught me this.
266
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:11,797
(Dalia) Was it Yoda?
267
00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:14,018
(Dallas gasps) Oh, my gosh.
268
00:10:14,005 --> 00:10:17,309
Look at Yakult. She's sound asleep.
269
00:10:17,359 --> 00:10:18,729
You calmed her, Yoni.
270
00:10:18,735 --> 00:10:20,581
Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni
271
00:10:20,615 --> 00:10:23,228
as it was the absence of George.
272
00:10:23,547 --> 00:10:25,793
Every since you banned him from your home
273
00:10:26,221 --> 00:10:29,341
and agreed to not let
him... wax your walrus,
274
00:10:30,092 --> 00:10:31,637
the dog has found peace.
275
00:10:31,625 --> 00:10:34,572
Well, we typically don't
refer to it as my walrus.
276
00:10:34,978 --> 00:10:38,469
And I don't recall banning
George from my home.
277
00:10:38,589 --> 00:10:40,077
You do or you do not want the dog
278
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,178
to make the full recovery?
279
00:10:41,298 --> 00:10:42,192
I do.
280
00:10:42,254 --> 00:10:44,138
Then get her a dish with spring water,
281
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:45,915
for when she wakes...
282
00:10:46,277 --> 00:10:47,879
she will be thirsty.
283
00:10:49,994 --> 00:10:51,414
Are you my new daddy?
284
00:10:52,103 --> 00:10:53,379
No.
285
00:10:54,405 --> 00:10:56,119
Well, certainly not yet.
286
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,451
But you're trying to be?
287
00:10:57,571 --> 00:10:58,859
You know, it's...
288
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,842
less about me being your daddy
289
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:03,032
and more about the other
guy not being your daddy.
290
00:11:03,414 --> 00:11:05,797
Also I'd like the use of your guest house
291
00:11:05,823 --> 00:11:07,751
for another four to six weeks.
292
00:11:07,785 --> 00:11:10,821
I'm in between places, and my credit is...
293
00:11:10,855 --> 00:11:12,689
you know...
294
00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:13,925
iffy.
295
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,334
Hey, Lisa.
296
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,060
I want you to know I'm
working on the man sitch,
297
00:11:18,073 --> 00:11:20,150
but your parents aren't
really making it easy.
298
00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,171
You know what? That's...
that's okay, Tessa.
299
00:11:22,178 --> 00:11:23,033
I'm good to go.
300
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:23,973
Good to go?
301
00:11:23,992 --> 00:11:25,702
Uh, I've...
302
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,489
I've found someone.
303
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:30,061
Please tell me it isn't your cousin Tate.
304
00:11:30,181 --> 00:11:31,106
(Slaps) Ooh! (Giggles)
305
00:11:31,144 --> 00:11:32,709
What's the haps, sweet cheeks?
306
00:11:32,744 --> 00:11:34,203
I got some giant sour gumballs
307
00:11:34,197 --> 00:11:36,449
- that turn your teeth crazy colors.
- You interested?
308
00:11:36,569 --> 00:11:38,333
Oh, I'm interested.
309
00:11:38,358 --> 00:11:39,635
I'm real interested.
310
00:11:39,755 --> 00:11:41,487
Take a picture, red. It'll last longer.
311
00:11:41,487 --> 00:11:42,713
- Lisa Marie Shay.
- Yes?
312
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,612
- This kid is in middle school.
- Taking ninth grade math.
313
00:11:45,732 --> 00:11:47,218
Boom. (Laughs)
314
00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:49,414
He... he makes me laugh, Tessa.
315
00:11:49,952 --> 00:11:52,423
He makes me laugh, and
he brings me sour stuff,
316
00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:55,445
and... when I'm with him, I just feel...
317
00:11:55,451 --> 00:11:56,595
Prepubescent?
318
00:11:56,664 --> 00:11:58,635
You know I'm your
boyfriend's math tutor, right?
319
00:11:58,660 --> 00:12:00,049
(Laughs) Ho ho ho.
320
00:12:00,169 --> 00:12:02,020
Double boom.
321
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:04,217
(Lisa laughs)
322
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:12,679
I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor,
323
00:12:12,671 --> 00:12:14,517
there's no one weirder online
324
00:12:14,564 --> 00:12:16,096
than A.J.
325
00:12:16,216 --> 00:12:19,764
After sifting through a bunch
of responses from ren faire guys,
326
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,128
I pulled Lisa's photo,
and decided to fly blind.
327
00:12:23,151 --> 00:12:24,973
I didn't want to much importance on looks,
328
00:12:24,965 --> 00:12:27,265
or guys who only cared about looks.
329
00:12:27,385 --> 00:12:29,056
I wanted more for Lisa.
330
00:12:31,027 --> 00:12:33,709
Tessa, I hate when people
put half-empty milk cards
331
00:12:33,905 --> 00:12:35,579
back in the fridge without saying anything.
332
00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:37,127
To me it doesn't look half-empty.
333
00:12:37,151 --> 00:12:38,285
It looks half-full.
334
00:12:38,308 --> 00:12:40,318
Oh... I... I see. So...
335
00:12:40,724 --> 00:12:42,703
you think I'm negative too, huh?
336
00:12:42,823 --> 00:12:44,017
I'm just saying there's plenty of milk.
337
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:46,082
Yeah, but because I don't
think there's plenty of milk,
338
00:12:46,083 --> 00:12:47,083
I'm... I'm a bad person,
339
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:51,149
an undesirable partner, is that it?
340
00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:54,496
- Are you ok?
- No! No, apparently I'm not ok.
341
00:12:54,519 --> 00:12:57,014
Apparently I'm negative, and dark and moody.
342
00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:00,048
Quoting the man that's
shacking up with my girlfriend.
343
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:02,333
- Dallas is shacking up with...
- Yoni!
344
00:13:03,553 --> 00:13:05,680
- He's back.
- Yani is back?!
345
00:13:05,735 --> 00:13:08,190
No. No, not Yani. Yoni.
346
00:13:08,310 --> 00:13:10,677
Yoni. Yo... ni.
347
00:13:10,797 --> 00:13:12,037
To say his name you must purse your lips
348
00:13:12,038 --> 00:13:13,038
as if you were giving a kiss to
someone I'm in a relationship with.
349
00:13:15,525 --> 00:13:16,463
Yoni.
350
00:13:17,925 --> 00:13:21,437
- Yoni.
- Ok. Wow. Dad, take it from me.
351
00:13:21,743 --> 00:13:24,652
The dating scene is
pretty dry right now. So...
352
00:13:25,106 --> 00:13:29,323
unless you want to engage in
some 16th-century role-play
353
00:13:29,911 --> 00:13:33,334
and joust for your maiden,
I suggest you quit moping.
354
00:13:35,369 --> 00:13:38,441
Oh. And, father, if you can't outsmart...
355
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:40,480
Yoni,
356
00:13:41,006 --> 00:13:44,190
well, then perhaps you
are not my father at all.
357
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:47,288
Fine. I'll reclaim my wench...
358
00:13:48,169 --> 00:13:49,809
and get some more milk.
359
00:13:50,234 --> 00:13:51,367
Okay, seven bites of meat
360
00:13:51,392 --> 00:13:52,849
before you make a beeline for desert.
361
00:13:52,849 --> 00:13:53,638
You hear me, mister?
362
00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:55,796
I'm about to make a
beeline for something else.
363
00:13:55,821 --> 00:13:56,835
How 'bout a kiss, dollface?
364
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,493
(Giggles) Okay, don't get fresh.
365
00:13:58,518 --> 00:14:00,126
Lisa, I need to talk to you.
366
00:14:00,474 --> 00:14:02,275
- What?
- Alone.
367
00:14:02,502 --> 00:14:04,392
Oh... okay.
368
00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,231
Just... just one second there.
369
00:14:06,688 --> 00:14:07,670
What is this all about?
370
00:14:07,701 --> 00:14:11,480
It's about finding you a
man who can cut his own meat.
371
00:14:12,586 --> 00:14:13,720
Look.
372
00:14:13,754 --> 00:14:15,436
Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me
373
00:14:15,403 --> 00:14:16,298
on the world wide web?
374
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:17,593
Yes, Lisa, I did.
375
00:14:17,713 --> 00:14:20,527
And I got a response from a
guy who sounds pretty great.
376
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:21,378
Listen.
377
00:14:21,762 --> 00:14:24,025
"Let's hold hands, not devices."
378
00:14:24,044 --> 00:14:25,032
He has hands?
379
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,733
Or do you think he's
just lying to sound good?
380
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,542
No, I think he has hands.
381
00:14:29,370 --> 00:14:30,514
What?
382
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,087
I can't believe A.J. would defy me
383
00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:35,969
and go straight for desert.
384
00:14:35,987 --> 00:14:37,814
No way he had seven bites of meat. No way.
385
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,561
Okay. I'm in. But you and
Ryan have to come. Just...
386
00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,087
Okay, great. Double date. Sounds fun.
387
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,883
Okay. Just... will you excuse me?
388
00:14:43,889 --> 00:14:45,497
I have to put somebody in a time-out.
389
00:14:45,617 --> 00:14:46,792
Anthony James,
390
00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:48,557
how many times have we
had this conversation?
391
00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:50,164
Food is a privilege.
392
00:14:51,353 --> 00:14:53,768
Sometimes, instead of
walking away from a problem,
393
00:14:53,812 --> 00:14:57,716
you have to do the opposite
and take it for a walk.
394
00:14:57,836 --> 00:14:59,505
(Whining)
395
00:15:02,212 --> 00:15:03,779
(Whispers) Not a word.
396
00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:09,909
Daddy Altman?
397
00:15:10,253 --> 00:15:11,692
Are you abducting our dog?
398
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,019
What? No. No.
399
00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:15,624
No, I was, uh, I was just
gonna take her for a walk.
400
00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:17,242
Uh...
401
00:15:18,056 --> 00:15:19,201
wanna come with?
402
00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:20,396
(Crickets chirping)
403
00:15:21,105 --> 00:15:22,954
And I guess I'm just having a hard time
404
00:15:22,942 --> 00:15:25,176
wrapping my head around why a loving God
405
00:15:25,188 --> 00:15:27,244
would ask Abraham or whatever
406
00:15:27,278 --> 00:15:30,013
to sacrifice his, like, precious son.
407
00:15:30,047 --> 00:15:33,397
I mean, what kind of power
trip must he have been on?
408
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,611
And also if I do go down this route,
409
00:15:35,662 --> 00:15:38,677
I totally got jerked on
the whole bat mitzvah thing.
410
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,580
And in closing, kugel...
411
00:15:42,443 --> 00:15:43,407
Why?
412
00:15:44,170 --> 00:15:47,292
Well, those... those
are all good questions.
413
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:48,512
Thank you.
414
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:49,913
Ex... except the last one.
415
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,778
Man, it's so great to hear
416
00:15:51,898 --> 00:15:53,573
what's going on inside your head.
417
00:15:53,693 --> 00:15:54,843
Yeah.
418
00:15:55,525 --> 00:15:57,822
And also, I'm failing science.
419
00:15:57,942 --> 00:16:00,424
While George continued
uncovering the mystery
420
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,382
that was Dalia,
421
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,847
I was selling Lisa on the
merits of her mystery date.
422
00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,542
- Okay, so listen to this.
- Yeah?
423
00:16:05,761 --> 00:16:08,476
Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem.
424
00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:11,817
And every evening at sunset, he burns it.
425
00:16:12,017 --> 00:16:13,262
Why?
426
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:16,378
Because the poem only belonged to the day.
427
00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:17,798
Wow.
428
00:16:17,842 --> 00:16:20,307
I mean, talking about holding
yourself to a high standard.
429
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,859
No, I know. That's what
it's all about, right?
430
00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:24,735
- Totally.
- Yeah.
431
00:16:24,748 --> 00:16:28,270
Oh, and I... I... I brought
a copy of his favorite book
432
00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:29,528
so we could discuss it at dinner.
433
00:16:29,547 --> 00:16:32,288
I'm only six chapters through,
but so far, it's really good.
434
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,571
Great. Um, so I guess
435
00:16:34,691 --> 00:16:37,499
I'll just listen to you guys
while you talk about it, or...
436
00:16:37,512 --> 00:16:39,139
Crap.
437
00:16:39,383 --> 00:16:41,447
I totally should have had you read it.
438
00:16:41,441 --> 00:16:42,260
It's okay.
439
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:44,537
I guess just 'cause we've
been e-mailing back and forth,
440
00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:46,483
I kind of got sucked in.
441
00:16:47,146 --> 00:16:49,155
Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend
442
00:16:49,173 --> 00:16:50,537
before I've had a chance to?
443
00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:51,839
Don't be ridiculous.
444
00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:53,723
I'm very happy with my boyfriend,
445
00:16:53,741 --> 00:16:54,855
and you're gonna be really happy...
446
00:16:54,886 --> 00:16:57,758
with my ex-boyfriend.
447
00:16:58,109 --> 00:16:59,035
Scott Strauss.
448
00:16:59,155 --> 00:17:00,449
Tessa.
449
00:17:00,569 --> 00:17:02,620
I found an awesome parking spot.
450
00:17:03,008 --> 00:17:04,785
Sorry. We're handicapped, right?
451
00:17:04,905 --> 00:17:06,787
Right. Very.
452
00:17:13,613 --> 00:17:15,584
If a flicker of regret crossed my mind,
453
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:17,661
it was erased by the time the first chunk
454
00:17:17,674 --> 00:17:19,626
of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips.
455
00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:21,728
Listening to him talk, I was reminded
456
00:17:21,766 --> 00:17:23,992
of the great Scott Strauss paradox...
457
00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:25,876
how could someone who
looks so good on paper
458
00:17:25,882 --> 00:17:30,198
and look so good in person
be such a freakin' bore?
459
00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:33,452
Let's think about that
as we share this cheese.
460
00:17:33,572 --> 00:17:36,381
So I heard you were
journaling in Barcelona?
461
00:17:36,449 --> 00:17:38,462
Barcelona destroyed me.
462
00:17:38,496 --> 00:17:40,378
Nearly destroyed my whole family.
463
00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:41,930
I'll never go back there.
464
00:17:41,924 --> 00:17:43,544
No, I... I know what you mean.
465
00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:46,751
My family stayed at an
all-inclusive in Cancun,
466
00:17:46,871 --> 00:17:48,692
and... it wasn't great.
467
00:17:49,741 --> 00:17:51,475
468
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:54,931
Although I did like that you
could pay for things with beads.
469
00:17:55,051 --> 00:17:56,495
I have a question.
470
00:17:57,001 --> 00:17:59,198
How do you get your hair so silky?
471
00:17:59,254 --> 00:18:01,306
You have to admit, it's incredibly silky.
472
00:18:01,426 --> 00:18:04,090
I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze
473
00:18:04,210 --> 00:18:06,411
from organic jojoba seeds that I grow
474
00:18:06,424 --> 00:18:09,133
in a planter that I
built from jojoba husks.
475
00:18:09,152 --> 00:18:11,016
Oh, my God. Stop saying "jojoba."
476
00:18:11,136 --> 00:18:13,518
477
00:18:13,638 --> 00:18:16,080
- A lot of people don't know that.
- Mnh-mnh.
478
00:18:16,072 --> 00:18:18,907
I didn't mean to sound condescending.
- No, no.
479
00:18:18,944 --> 00:18:21,165
Just truly, people don't know that.
480
00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:24,099
Back to your hair... may I feel it?
481
00:18:24,342 --> 00:18:25,351
482
00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:26,627
I want you to.
483
00:18:27,011 --> 00:18:30,947
(Indistinct conversations)
484
00:18:30,982 --> 00:18:33,021
(Whispers) Jojoba.
485
00:18:33,253 --> 00:18:34,316
(Exhales)
486
00:18:34,842 --> 00:18:36,694
Tessa, leave me for him. You have to.
487
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:37,626
No.
488
00:18:37,638 --> 00:18:39,090
There's no accounting for love,
489
00:18:39,090 --> 00:18:41,372
but when you find the
right person, you know it.
490
00:18:41,361 --> 00:18:42,287
(Pounding on window)
491
00:18:42,407 --> 00:18:44,408
Lisa! Baby, I miss us!
492
00:18:44,464 --> 00:18:45,641
Lisa! (Pounding continues)
493
00:18:45,761 --> 00:18:46,736
(Lisa) Oh, my God.
494
00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:48,156
Lisa?
495
00:18:49,151 --> 00:18:50,840
Lisa!
496
00:18:50,846 --> 00:18:52,680
Hey. Where are you going?
497
00:18:52,667 --> 00:18:54,219
Tessa, I'm... I'm sorry,
498
00:18:54,256 --> 00:18:56,352
but I have to get out of here.
499
00:18:56,377 --> 00:18:58,391
This dinner is destroying me.
500
00:18:58,416 --> 00:19:01,557
I'm not gonna find love in
this restaurant. Not tonight.
501
00:19:01,594 --> 00:19:03,447
How do you know?
502
00:19:04,691 --> 00:19:07,263
Because I f... found it once.
503
00:19:08,702 --> 00:19:10,473
And I... I remember what it felt like,
504
00:19:10,504 --> 00:19:12,250
and I, um, I just think
505
00:19:12,262 --> 00:19:15,878
I'm gonna need to learn to be alone...
506
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:18,628
for now.
507
00:19:20,714 --> 00:19:23,085
Unless you wanna sleep over.
508
00:19:25,175 --> 00:19:26,370
Yeah, I'll sleep over.
509
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,491
Okay. Thanks.
510
00:19:28,611 --> 00:19:29,798
(Yakult whines and barks)
511
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,576
(Gasps) Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult!
512
00:19:32,626 --> 00:19:34,923
She's got a spring in
her step again. (Growls)
513
00:19:35,154 --> 00:19:37,901
I haven't seen her go that
hard since she was a puppy.
514
00:19:38,495 --> 00:19:39,590
Really?
515
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,093
Ugh. No wonder why I was feeling body ache,
516
00:19:42,118 --> 00:19:43,883
chills, and a loose stool coming on.
517
00:19:44,003 --> 00:19:46,317
I knew it was either George Altman
518
00:19:46,329 --> 00:19:47,994
or a parasitic tapeworm.
519
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,690
Oh, wait. I forgot.
520
00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:53,443
Same thing. Burn.
521
00:19:53,837 --> 00:19:55,634
I've been taking the girls on some walks,
522
00:19:55,646 --> 00:19:58,311
spending a little quality
time with the both of them.
523
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,295
And they have never been happier.
524
00:20:00,551 --> 00:20:01,771
It's true.
525
00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:04,374
And daddy Altman lets
me walk off the leash.
526
00:20:04,424 --> 00:20:05,569
Yoni.
527
00:20:05,582 --> 00:20:06,939
You said dog walking was
528
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,630
poochie propaganda perpetuated
by the poop bag peeps.
529
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:12,364
Yeah. The truth is, I...
530
00:20:12,659 --> 00:20:14,473
I don't really know much about dogs.
531
00:20:14,511 --> 00:20:16,482
So... George was right?
532
00:20:16,769 --> 00:20:19,441
This was just an elaborate
ruse to try to get me back
533
00:20:19,473 --> 00:20:20,874
because you're still in love with me?
534
00:20:20,943 --> 00:20:22,050
(Dalia) No.
535
00:20:22,307 --> 00:20:24,222
He just doesn't want
daddy Altman to have you.
536
00:20:24,253 --> 00:20:25,980
A... and he wants to
stay in your guest house,
537
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,019
because his credit is iffy. (Chuckles)
538
00:20:28,082 --> 00:20:29,014
It is not my fault.
539
00:20:29,052 --> 00:20:31,428
I was living with this chick
that I met at burning man.
540
00:20:31,453 --> 00:20:32,686
She was on ecstasy,
541
00:20:32,806 --> 00:20:34,801
and she got a hold of my P.I.N. number.
542
00:20:34,869 --> 00:20:36,296
Nobody cares, Yoni.
543
00:20:36,315 --> 00:20:37,741
It's time for you to go.
544
00:20:37,766 --> 00:20:39,993
Wait, wait. Let... let me just
stay for four to six weeks.
545
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,220
Four to six weeks?
546
00:20:41,238 --> 00:20:43,071
Can I at least borrow
5 bucks for cigarettes?
547
00:20:43,065 --> 00:20:44,066
- No!
- No.
548
00:20:44,186 --> 00:20:46,243
(Yakult barking) Come on, Yakult.
549
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:48,445
Let's go play that game
daddy Altman invented
550
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:51,392
where I throw a ball and you bring it back.
551
00:20:51,656 --> 00:20:53,601
What's it called?
552
00:20:53,721 --> 00:20:55,202
"Bring it back"?
553
00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:57,327
Mm-hmm.
554
00:20:57,361 --> 00:20:58,606
(Growls and barks)
555
00:20:58,726 --> 00:21:00,083
Come on, Yakult.
556
00:21:00,203 --> 00:21:01,065
(Barking resumes)
557
00:21:01,084 --> 00:21:02,943
You know she's failing science, right?
558
00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:04,644
- What?
- Yeah.
559
00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,784
Well, how do you know that?
560
00:21:06,904 --> 00:21:08,623
I talked to her.
561
00:21:08,617 --> 00:21:11,545
She's also toying with the
idea of converting to Judaism.
562
00:21:11,665 --> 00:21:13,090
- Dalia is?
- Yeah.
563
00:21:13,097 --> 00:21:14,210
So what now?
564
00:21:14,330 --> 00:21:17,076
Take the damn dog for
a walk around the block
565
00:21:17,348 --> 00:21:19,760
and do science flash cards as we go?
566
00:21:19,766 --> 00:21:21,749
Stop for bagels along the way?
567
00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:22,913
Sound like a plan.
568
00:21:22,944 --> 00:21:25,446
No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus.
569
00:21:25,434 --> 00:21:29,257
From now on, we handle
all our problems ourselves.
570
00:21:29,377 --> 00:21:30,746
So wait...
571
00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:33,530
the dog throws the ball, and I do what now?
572
00:21:34,506 --> 00:21:35,595
You know what?
573
00:21:35,582 --> 00:21:37,803
We might want to hire a
specialist for this one.
574
00:21:40,226 --> 00:21:45,513
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
575
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,123
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576
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