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1
00:00:46,465 --> 00:00:48,899
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
2
00:00:58,105 --> 00:01:00,061
Good evening. I'm Robin Leach.
3
00:01:00,145 --> 00:01:04,104
Sledge Hammer's producers asked me
to explain tonight's episode.
4
00:01:04,185 --> 00:01:07,621
Let me be frank.
It is an attempt to boost the ratings.
5
00:01:07,705 --> 00:01:11,823
There are many ways to do this -
better scripts, more warmth
6
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,454
and big name guest stars,
but we're desperate.
7
00:01:15,545 --> 00:01:20,699
So in tonight's episode, we're going
to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers.
8
00:01:20,785 --> 00:01:26,223
Sex, violence, rock music
and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending
9
00:01:26,305 --> 00:01:30,981
that will keep our viewers glued
to the edge of their seats untiI next season,
10
00:01:31,065 --> 00:01:34,341
thus ensuring there will be a next season.
11
00:01:34,425 --> 00:01:37,019
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
12
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:54,774
Thunderbird 1 to base,
we just passed checkpoint 3.
13
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,857
All is clear. Over and... What the...
14
00:02:14,625 --> 00:02:19,380
All right, ladies, the party's over.
This is a restricted area.
15
00:02:19,465 --> 00:02:23,458
Aw, come on, guys,
we're just having fun. Think fast!
16
00:02:48,225 --> 00:02:52,935
Hammer, I must congratulate you
on apprehending those bank robbers.
17
00:02:53,025 --> 00:02:59,419
I... I just can't believe that you got them
to surrender their weapons
18
00:02:59,505 --> 00:03:04,215
by reading aloud from
the collected works of Rod McKuen.
19
00:03:04,305 --> 00:03:08,856
- Great!
- Some of them were weeping openly.
20
00:03:08,945 --> 00:03:13,461
The truth is that poetry is more effective
than tear gas. Remember that.
21
00:03:13,545 --> 00:03:18,699
- And you didn't even draw your weapon.
- I tell you, who needs this silly thing?
22
00:03:18,785 --> 00:03:20,776
Oh, I'm sorry.
23
00:03:20,865 --> 00:03:23,015
- No, no, no!
- I'm paying for that.
24
00:03:23,105 --> 00:03:27,656
- Keep your money in your pocket!
- Sledge, I'm so proud of you!
25
00:03:28,505 --> 00:03:31,941
You know, it takes a reaI man
to do what you did.
26
00:03:33,705 --> 00:03:37,380
- What a wonderfuI woman. A woman!
- Come here.
27
00:03:37,465 --> 00:03:39,501
I've got something for you.
28
00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:58,741
What a terrible nightmare!
29
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,901
Hey, Hammer,
you'd better get away from that door.
30
00:04:13,985 --> 00:04:16,135
- Why?
- There's a top-secret meeting
31
00:04:16,225 --> 00:04:19,376
with Trunk and Doreau
and some army brass.
32
00:04:19,465 --> 00:04:23,538
Really? Well, I'm sure they're expecting me.
33
00:04:25,985 --> 00:04:27,941
It's really stuck!
34
00:04:28,025 --> 00:04:33,418
This is a matter of nationaI security.
I must insist on complete privacy.
35
00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:35,461
GeneraI, you can count on it.
36
00:04:40,345 --> 00:04:45,373
What's the big idea? Wait, you planning
an invasion without telling me?
37
00:04:45,465 --> 00:04:48,457
- Who is this man?
- Reporting for duty, sir.
38
00:04:48,545 --> 00:04:51,821
Inspector Sledge Hammer...
and this is my platoon.
39
00:04:51,905 --> 00:04:55,693
GeneraI, I promise you
there will be no further interruptions!
40
00:04:55,785 --> 00:04:59,061
- Hey, who ordered the hero speciaI?
- Me. Thank you.
41
00:04:59,145 --> 00:05:01,898
- Hope there's enough mayonnaise.
- I'm sure it's fine.
42
00:05:01,985 --> 00:05:05,341
- Hammer!
- I'd just like to say that I really am a fan
43
00:05:05,425 --> 00:05:09,384
of what you guys did in Grenada
and I love the TV commercials!
44
00:05:09,465 --> 00:05:12,821
- You damn war...
- No, no, Captain, that's quite all right.
45
00:05:12,905 --> 00:05:14,861
I don't know why, but I like him.
46
00:05:14,945 --> 00:05:18,221
He reminds me of myself as a young man.
47
00:05:18,305 --> 00:05:22,093
- Oh, God!
- I'll just fill him in on what's happened.
48
00:05:22,185 --> 00:05:25,336
A class D warhead was en route
to a secret test site.
49
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,462
- The truck was intercepted by terrorists.
- What were they?
50
00:05:28,545 --> 00:05:31,378
A bunch of drug-crazed hippies
packing M16s?
51
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:36,220
- No, a team of women in bikinis.
- Oh, really? Ho-ho-ho!
52
00:05:36,305 --> 00:05:39,377
- Hammer, this is serious.
- That's right.
53
00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:42,855
- That's why I'm here.
- She never wears a bikini.
54
00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:46,062
It's because of my background
in terrorist psychology.
55
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:49,421
This never would've happened
if the military hadn't gone soft.
56
00:05:49,505 --> 00:05:55,262
You need to depend on fine soldiers
like this man. Where are you from, son?
57
00:05:55,345 --> 00:05:59,099
This is the man who betrayed his country.
58
00:05:59,185 --> 00:06:02,336
He was having an affair
with one of the terrorists.
59
00:06:02,425 --> 00:06:05,223
You traitor, you Judas, you Benedict Arnold!
60
00:06:05,305 --> 00:06:09,696
- Hammer!
- You see? I can't trust my own men!
61
00:06:09,785 --> 00:06:12,936
So I had to bypass InternaI Security
and come to you.
62
00:06:13,025 --> 00:06:16,574
There's a bomb out there
and I want it back!
63
00:06:16,665 --> 00:06:19,020
This is a Priority 1 Red Alert!
64
00:06:20,025 --> 00:06:22,983
A bunch of women with a lethaI warhead.
65
00:06:23,065 --> 00:06:26,375
Just look at the damage they can do
with one credit card.
66
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:36,142
- What colour were her eyes?
- Blue.
67
00:06:36,225 --> 00:06:41,253
What is it with this computer always?
Why don't you get the sketch artist?
68
00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:44,098
He quit. Makes more money at county fairs.
69
00:06:45,025 --> 00:06:47,698
OK. How about the hair?
70
00:06:47,785 --> 00:06:53,018
- Er... silky blonde with little highlights...
- Oh, give it a rest, will you?
71
00:06:53,105 --> 00:06:56,177
I'm telling you, this is not going to work.
72
00:06:56,265 --> 00:06:57,903
That's her!
73
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,975
- What are you waiting for? Print it up.
- OK, OK.
74
00:07:08,745 --> 00:07:11,782
- What's taking it so long?
- Hold on.
75
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:21,539
You sold your country down the river
for this. Was it worth it?
76
00:07:22,145 --> 00:07:24,101
What do you think?
77
00:07:26,305 --> 00:07:29,615
- What did you say her name was?
- Scarlett O'Hara.
78
00:07:30,505 --> 00:07:33,941
- That sounds familiar.
- It's obviously an alias.
79
00:07:34,025 --> 00:07:35,583
Oh, right.
80
00:07:37,465 --> 00:07:40,298
- There's no file on this woman.
- Inspector?
81
00:07:40,385 --> 00:07:42,979
They're about to tow your car away.
82
00:07:43,065 --> 00:07:47,581
There was a legaI parking spot
after I knocked the sign down.
83
00:07:47,665 --> 00:07:51,214
- You parked on a suspect.
- Well, he was guilty.
84
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,296
A suspect, Hammer.
85
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:56,422
- Innocent untiI proven guilty.
- Is that new?
86
00:07:59,225 --> 00:08:01,136
Hey...
87
00:08:01,225 --> 00:08:03,898
I think I know this girI.
88
00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:07,660
- Who is she?
- I saw her at my aerobics class
89
00:08:07,745 --> 00:08:11,294
at the Jill Taylor's Fitness Center.
90
00:08:11,385 --> 00:08:15,219
- Which one? There are thousands.
- The originaI one downtown.
91
00:08:15,305 --> 00:08:19,264
Doreau, call the FBI and see
if you can get a make on that picture.
92
00:08:19,345 --> 00:08:23,304
I'll go to the health club,
see if I can find Little Miss Armageddon.
93
00:08:35,105 --> 00:08:37,539
"Jill Taylor's
Housewife Fitness Programme",
94
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:42,176
"Expectant Mothers' Programme",
"The Divorced Woman's Programme".
95
00:08:42,265 --> 00:08:44,221
Got anything for me?
96
00:08:47,065 --> 00:08:50,580
"The Blond Fascist Pig Programme. "
97
00:08:50,665 --> 00:08:56,661
- I'd like to speak to this Jill Taylor.
- She's in there, but you can't go in.
98
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:59,703
Let me guess. She's doing a workout tape.
99
00:08:59,785 --> 00:09:02,902
That's right!
"The Las Vegas Showgirls' Programme. "
100
00:09:06,265 --> 00:09:08,142
.. five, six, seven, eight.
101
00:09:08,225 --> 00:09:11,615
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
102
00:09:12,305 --> 00:09:16,218
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
103
00:09:16,905 --> 00:09:20,693
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.
104
00:09:20,785 --> 00:09:22,741
One, two, three, four...
105
00:09:22,825 --> 00:09:25,737
- Hold it, hold it.
- Take five.
106
00:09:37,625 --> 00:09:41,584
Inspector Sledge Hammer.
I wanna ask you a couple of questions.
107
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,623
Sure. Keep up with me and we can talk.
108
00:09:47,065 --> 00:09:49,181
- Is this really necessary?
- Yes.
109
00:09:49,265 --> 00:09:51,733
It's essentiaI
for your cardiovascular system.
110
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:55,295
- Do we have to do it right now?
- If you suddenly stop exercising,
111
00:09:55,385 --> 00:09:57,615
- your muscles will cramp up.
- Oh.
112
00:09:58,745 --> 00:10:02,420
- Ever seen this woman?
- She was in my class, but dropped out.
113
00:10:02,505 --> 00:10:05,178
- No commitment.
- How many times did she attend?
114
00:10:05,265 --> 00:10:08,302
- 700.
- Some people just can't cut it.
115
00:10:11,145 --> 00:10:14,501
- Inspector Hammer, are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
116
00:10:14,585 --> 00:10:17,941
I'm demonstrating
a police force breathing technique.
117
00:10:18,025 --> 00:10:21,574
You look like you need
my remediaI aerobics course.
118
00:10:21,665 --> 00:10:27,774
Listen, lady, I'm a man. I can do anything
you can do... except conceive.
119
00:10:27,865 --> 00:10:29,901
Now, let's get physicaI!
120
00:10:32,625 --> 00:10:38,382
- Do you remember the name of the girI?
- Um... Joan. Er... Mickey. Er... Carrie.
121
00:10:38,465 --> 00:10:42,140
I don't know.
You'll have to look it up in the files.
122
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:49,098
Did she ever do anything suspicious?
123
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,175
I saw her eating red meat once.
124
00:10:56,745 --> 00:11:00,101
Inspector Hammer,
don't you ever lift weights?
125
00:11:01,145 --> 00:11:03,340
I lift this one every day.
126
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,900
Anything else you can tell me about her?
127
00:11:09,985 --> 00:11:14,775
I have hundreds of clients. I don't have
time to keep tabs on every single one.
128
00:11:14,865 --> 00:11:18,221
Do you know where all the criminals
you've dealt with are?
129
00:11:18,305 --> 00:11:20,660
Yeah, the cemetery.
130
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:25,694
Look... you look like
you could use a break.
131
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,741
Why don't you get her file?
132
00:11:28,945 --> 00:11:30,901
Anything to help.
133
00:11:35,745 --> 00:11:38,305
Ow, ow... Hi.
134
00:11:51,505 --> 00:11:55,464
- Would you pick that up for me, please?
- What happened to you?
135
00:11:57,105 --> 00:12:00,063
Jill Taylor challenged me to a workout.
136
00:12:00,145 --> 00:12:03,103
I got pains in places
I didn't even know I had places.
137
00:12:03,185 --> 00:12:05,983
What did you find out?
Other than you're in lousy shape?
138
00:12:06,065 --> 00:12:12,095
You'll have more respect when you see
what I got on that tank top terrorist.
139
00:12:12,185 --> 00:12:14,858
- What did you get?
- I got her address for one.
140
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:19,257
- 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
- Hammer, that's the White House.
141
00:12:20,345 --> 00:12:22,905
Oh, we can't bust Nancy Reagan.
142
00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:27,137
It's obviously a fake address!
The health club must be in on this.
143
00:12:27,225 --> 00:12:30,581
- Jill Taylor's hiding something.
- She couldn't hide anything.
144
00:12:30,665 --> 00:12:37,013
- That leotard was so tight, you could...
- This time I'll go to the club. Undercover.
145
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,134
I won't come back with a bogus address.
146
00:12:40,225 --> 00:12:43,535
Hammer, get in here immediately!
147
00:12:44,785 --> 00:12:46,696
Ow, ow, ow...
148
00:12:46,785 --> 00:12:49,345
I've just received this cassette.
149
00:12:54,825 --> 00:12:56,781
"We have your warhead.
150
00:12:56,865 --> 00:13:01,734
"Deliver one billion dollars
to our Swiss account inside of 12 hours
151
00:13:01,825 --> 00:13:04,578
"or we'll blow your city to kingdom come. "
152
00:13:04,665 --> 00:13:08,214
A billion dollars! Phew!
153
00:13:10,025 --> 00:13:12,698
I wonder what that is after taxes.
154
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:25,144
I knew this would happen.
I could see it coming. It was inevitable.
155
00:13:25,225 --> 00:13:29,582
Hammer, you get involved in a case,
suddenly it is the end of the world!
156
00:13:29,665 --> 00:13:34,181
Look at the bright side. A city
full of crooks is getting the death penalty.
157
00:13:34,265 --> 00:13:37,621
Will you clear the lines, ragweed?
158
00:13:37,705 --> 00:13:41,664
We're in the middle of a crisis!
Just get off the phone, maggot!
159
00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:44,134
- Who is it?
- Some guy says he's the Governor.
160
00:13:44,225 --> 00:13:45,544
Aaah!
161
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:50,016
- Yes, Governor? GeneraI Mills.
- Didn't sound like the Governor.
162
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:53,575
- Didn't sound like the Governor.
- I understand.
163
00:13:55,945 --> 00:13:59,938
- The state won't pay the billion.
- That's the kind of government I like.
164
00:14:00,025 --> 00:14:03,984
- They don't give in to blackmaiI.
- They don't have the money.
165
00:14:04,065 --> 00:14:07,023
- What are we gonna do?
- Nothing, that's what.
166
00:14:07,105 --> 00:14:10,381
I guarantee you,
these terrorettes are bluffing.
167
00:14:10,465 --> 00:14:15,539
- But what if they're not?
- It won't matter cos we'll all be dead.
168
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:23,583
I'll get that!
169
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,220
GeneraI Mills.
170
00:14:27,305 --> 00:14:30,058
- For you.
- Governor, you wanted to talk to me?
171
00:14:30,145 --> 00:14:33,694
- Hammer...
- Oh, hi, Doreau. It's Doreau. Excuse me.
172
00:14:38,425 --> 00:14:41,974
- Yeah, go ahead.
- They closed the spa for no reason.
173
00:14:42,065 --> 00:14:45,023
Something's happened.
Anything new your end?
174
00:14:45,105 --> 00:14:50,623
Not really. Oh, they're going to blow up
the city unless we give them $1 billion.
175
00:14:50,705 --> 00:14:54,493
What? They're gonna blow up the city?
Get down here and cover me.
176
00:14:54,585 --> 00:14:57,338
Get here as soon as you can. OK.
177
00:15:04,785 --> 00:15:09,939
Something tells me the fitness centre
isn't the safest place to be right now.
178
00:15:17,025 --> 00:15:19,380
Tawney Small reporting live.
179
00:15:19,465 --> 00:15:24,220
Captain, is there any truth to the rumour
that terrorists have stolen a warhead
180
00:15:24,305 --> 00:15:27,183
and are threatening to blow up
the entire city?
181
00:15:28,025 --> 00:15:30,698
That is an irresponsible lie!
182
00:15:30,785 --> 00:15:33,583
Then what's a generaI doing here?
183
00:15:34,825 --> 00:15:39,182
- Perhaps you would care to explain.
- Yes, yes, yes, I would.
184
00:15:39,265 --> 00:15:42,814
There are no terrorists, there's no warhead.
185
00:15:42,905 --> 00:15:47,342
- In fact, there's nothing to worry about.
- So what you're saying...
186
00:15:47,425 --> 00:15:51,464
GeneraI, you'd better turn on
ChanneI 6 right now.
187
00:15:52,705 --> 00:15:56,744
'Now here is another
statement from the hooded figure. '
188
00:15:56,825 --> 00:16:00,181
'Your puny leaders
have not responded to our demands.
189
00:16:00,265 --> 00:16:03,223
'We have jammed your airways
to show our power.
190
00:16:03,305 --> 00:16:08,425
'If we do not receive the money
in ten hours, you will be destroyed. '
191
00:16:09,345 --> 00:16:11,301
No warhead, huh?
192
00:17:02,665 --> 00:17:04,656
They probably didn't hear that.
193
00:17:10,745 --> 00:17:12,701
They probably heard that.
194
00:17:38,865 --> 00:17:41,663
You girls looking for the powder room?
195
00:17:48,225 --> 00:17:50,739
Now, that was gratuitous.
196
00:18:06,425 --> 00:18:08,381
You throw like a girI!
197
00:18:09,185 --> 00:18:10,937
Here, catch this.
198
00:18:23,065 --> 00:18:25,738
I bet you don't have many boyfriends.
199
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:29,861
Doreau, I've found you at last.
Mission accomplished.
200
00:18:29,945 --> 00:18:32,095
Hammer, I want a new partner.
201
00:18:42,345 --> 00:18:44,905
So we meet again.
202
00:18:44,985 --> 00:18:48,136
If my ex-wife is under that hood,
I'm gonna be sick!
203
00:18:51,225 --> 00:18:53,261
Jill Taylor. I don't believe it!
204
00:18:53,345 --> 00:18:59,261
You'll be happy to know that
your Governor's capitulated. $1 billion...
205
00:18:59,345 --> 00:19:03,258
$1 billion has been placed
in my Swiss bank account.
206
00:19:03,345 --> 00:19:07,020
- I thought they didn't have a billion.
- They hit up Iran for a loan.
207
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:11,781
Why did you do it? So you could finance
an Amazon army to take over America
208
00:19:11,865 --> 00:19:14,857
and make us watch soap operas
and tie up the phones?
209
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:18,904
- No, I wanted the money.
- Well, now will you call off the threat?
210
00:19:18,985 --> 00:19:22,136
No, I'm gonna ask for more money.
I've got a good thing going.
211
00:19:22,225 --> 00:19:24,614
Just like a woman -
always changing her mind.
212
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:28,380
Enough of this chauvinist driveI.
I have a broadcast to make.
213
00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:32,140
I gotta go, too. Thanks for steaming
the wrinkles out of my jacket.
214
00:19:32,225 --> 00:19:37,777
Not so fast. You've had your exercise,
now it's time for your dip in the hot tub.
215
00:19:47,225 --> 00:19:51,503
I also want gold bullion,
my own 747,
216
00:19:51,585 --> 00:19:55,737
and a new episode
of "Moonlighting" every week.
217
00:19:56,265 --> 00:20:00,053
Oh, Hammer,
I guess this is the end of a good team.
218
00:20:00,145 --> 00:20:05,299
Yeah, I'm really gonna miss my gun...
and you, too, Doreau.
219
00:20:05,385 --> 00:20:07,535
Oh, and, Dori,
220
00:20:07,625 --> 00:20:10,423
I'm one tough cop, right?
221
00:20:10,505 --> 00:20:12,939
Yeah, Sledge, yeah.
222
00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:17,183
Freeze!
223
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:21,541
Shut that damn thing off!
224
00:20:22,785 --> 00:20:28,303
From this day forward, all grotesque men
will be under my shapely thumb.
225
00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:36,134
Across the country,
in bars, ballparks, bowling alleys,
226
00:20:36,225 --> 00:20:38,614
every day will be Ladies' Day.
227
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:41,219
- Furthermore...
- Hold it!
228
00:20:41,305 --> 00:20:44,661
- Your show's been cancelled.
- Talking to me?
229
00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:53,537
Jill Taylor is a power-mad thief,
extortionist and a threat to democracy.
230
00:20:53,625 --> 00:20:56,378
Not only that,
her health club stinks on ice!
231
00:20:56,465 --> 00:20:59,218
FooI! You think you're safe?
232
00:20:59,305 --> 00:21:02,820
I pointlessly set that bomb to detonate
in five minutes.
233
00:21:02,905 --> 00:21:06,056
- My God, tell us where it is!
- Never.
234
00:21:06,145 --> 00:21:08,500
Would you be willing to rephrase that?
235
00:21:16,185 --> 00:21:18,141
Who even knows if it's here?
236
00:21:18,225 --> 00:21:21,900
Turn off the dang hot tub!
I can't think with all this noise!
237
00:21:30,025 --> 00:21:33,142
I've found it! There it is right there!
238
00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:17,619
Boy, this is shaping up
to be a really bad day.
239
00:22:40,185 --> 00:22:42,540
Hammer, you can't defuse that bomb!
240
00:22:43,785 --> 00:22:46,743
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
241
00:23:09,905 --> 00:23:17,255
Hammer!
242
00:23:17,305 --> 00:23:21,855
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