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1
00:00:01,870 --> 00:00:03,520
Sir, sir.
2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,570
There you are.
3
00:00:06,630 --> 00:00:09,100
He's conscious.
4
00:00:09,170 --> 00:00:10,440
Sir, can you hear me?
5
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:12,770
- Are you an angel?
- No.
6
00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,170
- Are you a devil?
- No.
7
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,110
Then eat a bag of dicks.
8
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:18,580
Oh, well, that is very kind, sir,
9
00:00:18,630 --> 00:00:21,010
but we're not allowed to accept gratuities.
10
00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:24,450
Just close the garage door and
let me finish what I started.
11
00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,650
Well, it wouldn't matter.
You left the skylight open.
12
00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:27,880
I couldn't find the button.
13
00:00:27,930 --> 00:00:29,650
Well, how hard did you try, sweetie?
14
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:32,260
W... I'm starin' right at
it. We painted it orange.
15
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:33,760
- Mom!
- Last time,
16
00:00:33,810 --> 00:00:36,100
he tried to hang himself,
tied the rope too long.
17
00:00:36,150 --> 00:00:38,400
jumped off the workbench
and broke both of his ankles.
18
00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:39,700
The neighbor kid found him hanging there.
19
00:00:39,750 --> 00:00:40,820
Mom, shut up!
20
00:00:40,870 --> 00:00:42,220
Don't you talk to your mother like that.
21
00:00:42,270 --> 00:00:43,500
Stay out of this, would you, Larry?
22
00:00:43,550 --> 00:00:46,200
And if you "really" want to commit suicide,
23
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:49,210
you don't do it two blocks
from an ambulance company!
24
00:00:49,270 --> 00:00:52,540
Get your own place, not
near an ambulance company.
25
00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:53,840
It's goddamn ridiculous.
26
00:00:53,890 --> 00:00:56,590
Now the whole house is gonna
smell like exhaust fumes.
27
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,290
- Sir...
- And you ruined my good garden hose,
28
00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:00,990
so my rhododendrons are gonna die!
29
00:01:01,050 --> 00:01:02,550
- Sir!
- What?
30
00:01:02,620 --> 00:01:03,480
Nothing.
31
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:06,570
Supposed to be out here
cleaning the goddamn car.
32
00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:09,780
Frickin' kid never finished
a thing in his life!
33
00:01:09,830 --> 00:01:11,280
Do you think he'll be home for dinner?
34
00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:12,980
I need to know how much ham to thaw.
35
00:01:13,030 --> 00:01:15,280
At least my kids don't try to
kill themselves all the time.
36
00:01:15,330 --> 00:01:17,820
It's 'cause they sell weed, Larry.
37
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It's good shit, actually.
38
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:24,310
- Yeah?
- Right.
39
00:01:24,380 --> 00:01:27,310
[Funky music]
40
00:01:47,550 --> 00:01:50,830
That must've been a pretty
scary call for you, huh, Brian?
41
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:51,960
Yes, it was.
42
00:01:52,010 --> 00:01:54,210
That guy's stepdad had
some serious anger issues.
43
00:01:54,270 --> 00:01:56,610
Oh, I was talkin' about
the kid, future Brian.
44
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:57,710
Future Brian?
45
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:58,680
Yeah, that's what we callin' him.
46
00:01:58,730 --> 00:02:00,650
See, future Brian is
like you in ten years...
47
00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:03,450
Single, lives with his
parents in the basement.
48
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,230
- Spooky.
- You got to move, bro.
49
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,840
- Cut the cord.
- You're a grown ass man.
50
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:09,580
You're the future Brian, you even
drive the same car, a Subaru.
51
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:10,680
Could it get any spookier?
52
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,990
Hey, hold your horses here, fellas.
53
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:15,990
First off, I drive an
Outback. He drives a Forester.
54
00:02:16,060 --> 00:02:17,430
It's a very depressing model.
55
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:18,830
My mistake. Totally different.
56
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:20,770
Plus he probably moved
back in with his parents.
57
00:02:20,830 --> 00:02:23,030
I never moved out.
That's a lifestyle choice.
58
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,200
What are you afraid of, Brian?
59
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:25,900
Seriously, bro. Get out on your own.
60
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:27,210
Ditch the dead weight.
61
00:02:27,270 --> 00:02:28,940
See? That right there.
62
00:02:29,010 --> 00:02:30,480
That's what I'm afraid of.
63
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,980
I'm afraid of the declining role
of the American family, okay?
64
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:36,550
I'm afraid of losing the generational bonds
65
00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:39,780
that tie us all together.
66
00:02:39,850 --> 00:02:40,920
And rent.
67
00:02:40,990 --> 00:02:42,420
I'm really afraid of payin' rent.
68
00:02:42,490 --> 00:02:46,360
It's a big, irresponsible,
and endless financial hole.
69
00:02:46,430 --> 00:02:48,330
You guys owe me 37 cents by the way.
70
00:02:48,390 --> 00:02:49,590
- For what?
- For the M&M's.
71
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,000
- Oh, come on.
- Chicago north 911.
72
00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,400
Domestic shooting, 3540 racine.
73
00:02:53,470 --> 00:02:55,470
- Ambulance 14 responding.
- Go!
74
00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:57,600
Proceed with caution. Police on scene.
75
00:02:57,670 --> 00:03:00,810
Shooting victim trapped on
front porch losing blood.
76
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:06,340
[Emergency radio chatter, dog barking]
77
00:03:06,410 --> 00:03:07,680
Hey.
78
00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:09,350
Female on the porch has
been shot at least once.
79
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:10,950
She's bleedin' pretty bad.
80
00:03:11,020 --> 00:03:12,950
She ain't movin' either.
81
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:14,220
Shooter's her ex.
82
00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:15,790
He's locked and loaded on the first floor.
83
00:03:15,850 --> 00:03:17,120
How much time we got?
84
00:03:17,190 --> 00:03:18,690
Hostage negotiator's
about ten minutes away.
85
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,960
Animal control about the same.
86
00:03:20,030 --> 00:03:21,460
I'd love to get a look in there
87
00:03:21,530 --> 00:03:23,530
and see how many weapons he's got on him.
88
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,000
Billy, get my binoculars.
89
00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:26,800
Yeah, got it.
90
00:03:26,870 --> 00:03:28,300
- How's your day been, guys?
- Meh.
91
00:03:28,370 --> 00:03:30,190
Well, we saved Brian's
doppelganger from killin' himself.
92
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,420
He is not my doppelganger.
93
00:03:31,470 --> 00:03:33,270
- He's at least a doppel.
- We callin' him future Brian.
94
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:35,670
- A casual resemblance at best.
- How casual?
95
00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,580
He lives with his parents
and drives a Subaru.
96
00:03:37,630 --> 00:03:39,210
- Oy.
- If he was really suicidal,
97
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,250
he wouldn't drive a car
with such good gas mileage.
98
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,430
This just in: Brian's cheap.
99
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,350
[Gunshot]
100
00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:45,320
Come on!
101
00:03:45,370 --> 00:03:46,580
[Dog barking]
102
00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:47,920
You could probably get a one-bedroom
103
00:03:47,990 --> 00:03:49,220
in this neighborhood for
a pretty decent price.
104
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,860
Go ahead and laugh, but did you know
105
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,690
that finances are the number
one cause of marital discord?
106
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:54,990
- Know what number two is?
- What?
107
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:57,530
Bullets.
108
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,430
[Billy shouting indistinctly] Oh! No!
109
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,970
- Let me go!
- Holy shit !
110
00:04:02,030 --> 00:04:03,270
Hey, let me go!
111
00:04:03,340 --> 00:04:04,970
- [Thud]
- Oh, my God!
112
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- He's down!
- [Man shouting indistinctly]
113
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Shut up, man!
114
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All clear.
115
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,380
- Good job.
- [Applause]
116
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He's down. All clear.
117
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,850
Theresa, I used the thing!
118
00:04:14,910 --> 00:04:18,380
I used the thing we learned in class!
119
00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:21,220
- Get the stretcher.
- Hey, get the stretcher.
120
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,220
[Dog barking]
121
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Sit. Sit.
122
00:04:27,390 --> 00:04:28,360
Sit.
123
00:04:28,430 --> 00:04:29,560
Good girl. Good girl.
124
00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:30,600
When'd you become the dog whisperer?
125
00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:31,940
Hey, I'm a black man, John.
126
00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:34,380
Where I grew up, we had so
many pit bulls runnin' around,
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we thought they were freakin' squirrels.
128
00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:37,840
Okay, miss, help is here.
129
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:39,320
- [Groans]
- Good, good.
130
00:04:39,370 --> 00:04:40,870
- Very manageable.
- You sure?
131
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:42,010
Sure I'm sure. It's a flesh wound.
132
00:04:42,060 --> 00:04:43,770
It might've nicked the bone.
You're gonna get a cool scar
133
00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:45,070
and some pretty decent
pain pills out of the deal.
134
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:45,820
Brian, gauze.
135
00:04:45,870 --> 00:04:48,080
[Shrilly] Aah! Aah!
136
00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,190
Oh, God!
137
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,950
There's a spider on my goddamn arm!
138
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:51,980
Somebody get it.
139
00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:54,590
I've been shot, and I
didn't even scream that loud.
140
00:04:54,650 --> 00:04:56,250
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
141
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,180
- Stand still.
- Get it, get it, get it!
142
00:04:58,230 --> 00:04:59,330
- I got it, okay?
- Ooh, is it off me?
143
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,430
Is it off me? Oh, did you get it?
144
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,360
Hey, relax now, Hank. Relax.
145
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:04,100
You know, I'm just gonna put it down here.
146
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,160
No, no! No, no, no, no!
147
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,900
Break off some of its legs
so it won't come back at me.
148
00:05:06,950 --> 00:05:08,470
- Break off some of the legs.
- Hey, last time I heard
149
00:05:08,530 --> 00:05:10,110
someone squeal like that, it was me.
150
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,100
I was 13 at a Hanson concert.
151
00:05:12,170 --> 00:05:13,470
Ooh, ooh.
152
00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:16,210
Ahh!
153
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,880
Hoo, thank you, Jesus. Hoo, hoo.
154
00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,710
[Laughs]
155
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,730
- It was as big as my head.
- Okay, princess.
156
00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,390
Speaking of your head, you
know what we got to get you now?
157
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,300
- A drink?
- No.
158
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:28,630
A tiara.
159
00:05:29,490 --> 00:05:31,420
[Laughs]
160
00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:37,530
Spiders have poisons that can kill you.
161
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,860
Not a Daddy Longlegs.
162
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,320
Well, it wasn't wearin' a goddamn nametag!
163
00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,560
I'm afraid of bees.
164
00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:42,860
Me, too. Not a fan, not a fan.
165
00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,700
Just kiddin', asshole. God, you're a mess.
166
00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:46,330
- I don't have any fears.
- Bullshit.
167
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,430
I don't. I'm scared of the big things.
168
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,680
Cancer, terrorism, Ben Affleck
bein' a lousy Batman.
169
00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:52,410
Don't worry, man. He's gonna crush it.
170
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:53,750
Everybody's scared of something.
171
00:05:53,810 --> 00:05:55,750
- I'm scared of little people.
- midgets?
172
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:59,150
I'm not scared of the whole
midget... just the hands.
173
00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:03,690
So small and soft like
they could just grab you
174
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,990
and you'd hardly feel it.
175
00:06:07,060 --> 00:06:09,160
Like a whisper.
176
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,170
I'm also not very fond of wide open spaces.
177
00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:15,900
Prairies and stuff like that? Mm-mm.
178
00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,900
Makes me feel so insignificant.
179
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:20,040
You ever been to the Grand Canyon, Billy?
180
00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:22,040
Don't go.
181
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:25,180
In the grand canyon, you are the midget.
182
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:26,950
Microphobia, Brian.
183
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,850
That's what your fear is
called, fear of all things tiny.
184
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,350
Like Johnny's dick.
185
00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:32,820
Hey, don't get mad at me, bro,
just because
186
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:35,320
a few harmless bugs make you
scream like a little girl.
187
00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:37,820
Here's your fries, bro.
188
00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:39,390
Aah!
189
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,390
Not funny, bro! Not funny!
190
00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,460
There are only three things
191
00:06:43,460 --> 00:06:46,100
to be genuinely afraid of in this world.
192
00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:49,000
One, the Mars company
will stop makin' Twixes.
193
00:06:49,070 --> 00:06:51,800
Two, my ex-wife. And three, zombies.
194
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,040
You're scared of zombies?
195
00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:54,710
You're not?
196
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:55,710
What are your fears, Billy?
197
00:06:55,780 --> 00:06:57,110
I don't got none, bro.
198
00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,450
- Man after my own heart.
- Yeah, fear's useless.
199
00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:01,310
That's right. Go high, Bill.
200
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,880
- You weren't afraid today?
- No, bro.
201
00:07:03,950 --> 00:07:05,420
Like try to put yourself in my position.
202
00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:07,520
Like, I'm walkin' into this place.
203
00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:10,090
Guy's, like, mad crazy, right?
204
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,120
He's got a glock. He's drunk.
205
00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:13,860
I'm talkin' like speakin' in tongues drunk.
206
00:07:13,930 --> 00:07:15,330
[Babbles incoherently]
207
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,560
What's the worst thing that can happen?
208
00:07:18,630 --> 00:07:21,330
Get inside my head.
209
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,640
So I'm thinkin' like you.
210
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:23,970
Exactly.
211
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,670
Like, what was I thinkin'
212
00:07:26,740 --> 00:07:29,980
when I walked in there?
213
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,110
Nothing?
214
00:07:34,610 --> 00:07:36,220
See?
215
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,480
Mm-hmm.
216
00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:40,950
Ga-to-rade
Ga-to-rade, yeah
217
00:07:41,020 --> 00:07:42,320
Go high, bro.
218
00:07:42,390 --> 00:07:43,820
- Is that a bee?
- Psst!
219
00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:45,320
[Laughs]
220
00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:46,860
Hey, you know what? Billy's right.
221
00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:48,830
Gunfire's just part of
the job. You can't fear it.
222
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,360
You just got to live in the moment.
223
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:51,600
Same thing on this job.
224
00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:53,270
In the heat of the battle, you just react.
225
00:07:53,330 --> 00:07:54,630
Exactly.
226
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,240
You know, my biggest fear isn't being shot.
227
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,210
My biggest fear is
being involved with a guy
228
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,940
whose biggest fear isn't me being shot.
229
00:08:01,010 --> 00:08:03,820
Uh-huh. Now you're scared.
Look at his eyes.
230
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:05,510
No, no. No, no, no, no.
231
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,750
Let me explain. I know
what my main fear is.
232
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:09,470
My number one fear of all fears
233
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,650
is that you might get shot someday.
234
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,050
I'm so afraid of it.
235
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,550
Every single day, I'm so afraid of it
236
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,590
every day when you go to work
that... that I sublimate it.
237
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:18,620
Oh, you sublimate it.
238
00:08:18,670 --> 00:08:20,400
Yeah, that's exactly what I do.
I sublimate it,
239
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,730
which is why earlier in
this fear conversation,
240
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,660
I didn't say that that was my
number one fear of all fears
241
00:08:24,730 --> 00:08:30,440
because I had sublimated
it so hard... that I...
242
00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:31,800
- This isn't gonna fly is it?
- Nope.
243
00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:35,270
Hey, yo. Check this out.
244
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,540
[Laughs]
245
00:08:37,610 --> 00:08:39,110
You know what I fear?
246
00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:40,850
Not fulfilling my potential.
247
00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:43,580
See, Billy's actually already reached his.
248
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:45,820
- Me, I haven't.
- Mmhmm.
249
00:08:45,890 --> 00:08:49,690
My one dream is to work
for the FBI in Washington.
250
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,020
Sometimes I'm afraid it won't work out,
251
00:08:51,090 --> 00:08:54,090
that I'll, you know, take the easy way out.
252
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,360
That is what I am really afraid of,
253
00:08:57,430 --> 00:09:00,230
growin' old and lookin' back at dreams
254
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,530
that I never made come true.
255
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,370
- Mm.
- Hmm.
256
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:06,610
That and the sun.
257
00:09:06,670 --> 00:09:09,010
Heliophobia. Surprisingly common.
258
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440
My skin burns and peels if I
fall asleep with the iPad on.
259
00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:13,180
That is why if they ever stopped making
260
00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:16,320
hydramax lavender rejuvenation,
261
00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:17,880
I would freak out just a little bit.
262
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:18,950
- [Laughs]
- Hmm.
263
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:21,090
What is that face?
264
00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:25,090
They discontinued the cream.
265
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,930
The active plus formula?
266
00:09:26,990 --> 00:09:29,360
I'm so sorry, T.
267
00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:31,300
Hank, please just tell
me you're messing with me.
268
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,700
I'm not messin' with
you. It's too expensive.
269
00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:36,040
They just wasn't sellin' enough of 'em.
270
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,740
Holy shit!
271
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:40,850
- Billy, we got to go.
- What are you gonna do?
272
00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:41,880
What do you think I'm gonna do?
273
00:09:41,930 --> 00:09:44,570
I'm gonna go store to store,
try and find myself a jar.
274
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:46,680
[Horn honks]
275
00:09:46,750 --> 00:09:49,180
What the hell is that?
276
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:50,450
- Hey!
- Yo!
277
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,250
- Hey!
- This guy.
278
00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,690
[Chuckling]
279
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,620
[Honking]
280
00:09:56,690 --> 00:09:59,690
Hey! Thanks for nothin', scumbags.
281
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,770
Bye.
282
00:10:01,820 --> 00:10:03,000
Who was that guy?
283
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:05,730
That's the guy who tried to
commit suicide in the garage.
284
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,150
Not very thankful.
285
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,800
You guys drive the same car.
286
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:12,200
[Laughter]
287
00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:17,400
They didn't really charge you for that?
288
00:10:17,430 --> 00:10:18,930
They never do.
289
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,730
When you're with someone
who's about to make a purchase,
290
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,470
you just say, "excuse me, sir,
I believe I have the sniffles",
291
00:10:23,530 --> 00:10:24,870
and they will gladly give you
292
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:27,100
a cup of hot water with lemon and honey.
293
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,400
And you gonna drink that?
294
00:10:28,470 --> 00:10:31,940
After a visit from our
friends at Lipton Tea.
295
00:10:32,010 --> 00:10:35,810
Another benefit from living at
your... holy cow, I call dibs!
296
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,680
Dibs on what?
297
00:10:38,850 --> 00:10:40,650
Oh, my God. Are you really that cheap?
298
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,120
Not cheap, my friend.
299
00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,450
Lucky.
300
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,790
- Brian.
- Whoo!
301
00:10:44,850 --> 00:10:47,120
[Laughter]
302
00:10:50,090 --> 00:10:52,660
Mac's back scratcher attached
to an old rig antenna.
303
00:10:52,730 --> 00:10:53,800
Go high, bro.
304
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,460
- Go high.
- Eh.
305
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:56,800
Don't leave me hangin'.
306
00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:58,130
- [Grunts]
- Huh?
307
00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,640
Chicago north ambulance needed,
308
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,640
corner of north shore drive and east grant.
309
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,870
Ambulance 14 responding.
310
00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:05,040
Let's roll.
311
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:10,780
[Siren blaring]
312
00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:16,390
Cash beat us.
313
00:11:23,830 --> 00:11:27,260
So sad.
314
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:30,500
Man, this... this is heartbreaking.
315
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,070
Want to know what you're afraid of?
316
00:11:34,140 --> 00:11:35,600
That's it right there.
317
00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:37,270
Dying?
318
00:11:37,340 --> 00:11:38,610
I live as long as that lady did,
319
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,310
I'd be happy to take a dirt nap.
320
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:41,440
Not her, numbnuts.
321
00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:44,080
Him.
322
00:11:44,150 --> 00:11:47,650
What?
323
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,620
Never mind. Let's go.
324
00:11:59,430 --> 00:12:00,560
What?
325
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:02,030
I didn't say anything.
326
00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,600
- Why you giving me that look?
- What look?
327
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,530
You see that look, Brian?
328
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,400
I see a look. Not sure what it is.
329
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:09,940
It's the "I know something
you don't know" look.
330
00:12:10,010 --> 00:12:11,410
I've seen it a million times,
331
00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:13,710
every time he thinks he's
about to psychoanalyze me.
332
00:12:13,780 --> 00:12:15,640
I'm not afraid of being
left alone, Dr. Phil,
333
00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:16,910
if that's what you're gettin' at.
334
00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:18,110
Okay.
335
00:12:18,180 --> 00:12:19,850
Why would I be afraid of being left alone?
336
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,250
Because your father
left you and your mother
337
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,750
when you were 13. You never got over it.
338
00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,690
But we talk now.
339
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,460
Issue resolved, Q.E.D, asshat.
340
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,860
And all your idea, I might add.
341
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,860
You think it's resolved, but it's not.
342
00:12:29,930 --> 00:12:31,390
It's been sublimated.
343
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,160
That shit scars deep
to the bone, slap dick.
344
00:12:34,230 --> 00:12:36,600
He's right, Johnny, about
the emotional scarring.
345
00:12:36,670 --> 00:12:38,700
The slap dick thing I'm
not really familiar with.
346
00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:41,340
When my dad skipped out
on me, he did me a favor.
347
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,710
He gave me a gift.
348
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:43,810
Was it a bike?
349
00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:46,080
- What? No.
- No?
350
00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:49,280
It's this hard outer shell I
use to deflect pain and sadness.
351
00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,880
Mm, bike would've been better.
352
00:12:51,950 --> 00:12:53,720
Turtle shell.
353
00:12:53,780 --> 00:12:55,020
Turtle shell.
354
00:12:55,090 --> 00:12:56,820
Pain, trouble... bounce right off.
355
00:12:56,890 --> 00:12:59,250
- Theresa leaves you.
- Ping.
356
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,090
- I move to Miami.
- Ping.
357
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,260
Okay. We shall see.
358
00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:04,530
- We shall.
- Yeah, we shall.
359
00:13:04,590 --> 00:13:05,560
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
360
00:13:05,630 --> 00:13:06,630
- Huh-huh.
- Watch.
361
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,960
Stop.
362
00:13:08,030 --> 00:13:09,930
- I had a turtle once.
- And?
363
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,890
He ran away. Didn't get far.
364
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:15,740
Made it to the driveway where
my dad accidentally ran him over.
365
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:21,110
Definite emotional sublimation that day.
366
00:13:21,180 --> 00:13:23,350
Ping.
367
00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:25,380
Wow. That's cold-blooded.
368
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:26,250
Wow.
369
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:29,120
The boy lost his turtle and
you talkin' about "ping."
370
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:33,960
Got you a present.
371
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:35,810
Why?
372
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,750
Because there wasn't a spider
in my locker when it opened it.
373
00:13:37,810 --> 00:13:39,350
Oh, I should've thought of that!
374
00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:41,660
It's that skin cream Theresa uses.
375
00:13:41,730 --> 00:13:43,330
Buddy of mine works in
a beauty supply house.
376
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,400
Got the last jar left
in the entire midwest.
377
00:13:46,470 --> 00:13:48,330
Ohh, smells just like her.
378
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,370
Because she smears it on three times a day.
379
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:51,670
You thought she smelled
like that naturally?
380
00:13:51,740 --> 00:13:52,280
I don't know.
381
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,250
You know I wasn't born
smelling like Michael Jordan.
382
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,220
Have to buy that shit.
383
00:13:55,270 --> 00:13:56,770
This is really gonna help me
patch things up with her. Thanks.
384
00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,880
Exactly. Now, you should start
thinking about her more
385
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:01,780
before she starts
thinking about her partner.
386
00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:03,820
Oh, she's not into Billy.
387
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,180
He's like the bottom
rung in a bag of hammers.
388
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:10,290
He's a shockingly handsome
guy who spends all day with her
389
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,420
and tackles insane, drunken,
390
00:14:12,490 --> 00:14:14,430
heavily-armed girlfriend shooters.
391
00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:16,700
You're a selfish prick
who didn't even think
392
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,860
to mention her on your
list of things you fear.
393
00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:20,430
He's a paste eater.
394
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:22,600
Mm-hmm, whose cock is
bigger than Seattle Slew's,
395
00:14:22,670 --> 00:14:25,700
and she's seen it.
396
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:29,570
Ping.
397
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,680
Shoot.
398
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,280
[Chuckles]
399
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:47,060
[Knocks]
400
00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,730
Theresa, why is your door o...
401
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,530
T?
402
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,570
[Fake laughs]
403
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:06,140
Okay, nice job, Hank.
404
00:15:06,210 --> 00:15:07,250
Great.
405
00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:10,950
Detail... very, very impressive.
406
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:12,420
[Chuckles]
407
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:13,420
[Gasps]
408
00:15:13,490 --> 00:15:16,390
Oh!
409
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,090
Ohh!
410
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,730
This is like that sappy
Sandra Bullock lake house movie
411
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,290
you love so much with the letters.
412
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:29,070
The one that you cry at every
time it's on cable, princess.
413
00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:30,640
I'm gonna read it now.
414
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,300
[Chuckles] Dear Keanu.
415
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:33,640
[Laughs]
416
00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:35,740
Just a little... just a
little tribute there, Hank.
417
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:38,740
Oh, yeah, you actually
got Theresa to write it.
418
00:15:38,810 --> 00:15:40,410
Well, that's very impressive.
419
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:41,810
Very impressive.
420
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,880
Um, "I'm sorry you have
to find out this way,
421
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:49,120
but I didn't have the strength
to tell you this in person."
422
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:50,960
Great opening.
423
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:51,960
Mwah!
424
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,320
Great opening.
425
00:15:53,390 --> 00:15:55,690
"Today was my last day on the force.
426
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,360
"Just talking about my potential at lunch
427
00:15:57,430 --> 00:15:59,100
"really got me to thinkin' about my life
428
00:15:59,170 --> 00:16:00,370
"and what I'm doing with it.
429
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:01,730
"And I'm not getting any younger.
430
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,000
And there's nothing keeping
me here in Chhhhicago."
431
00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,470
[Weak chuckle]
432
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:10,410
Hey, guys?
433
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,110
All right, ha-ha-ha.
434
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,350
Guys?
435
00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:20,620
Aha!
436
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:25,620
Holy shit.
437
00:16:25,690 --> 00:16:26,890
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit,
438
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,690
holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
439
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:29,860
No, this isn't happening.
440
00:16:29,930 --> 00:16:31,530
This isn't real. This isn't real.
441
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,030
"'Cause as you know, I've always
dreamt of joining the FBI.
442
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,830
I tried to bring it up a
couple times last week..."
443
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,040
Theresa, get to the point.
444
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:40,240
"And since you never
really listened to me...
445
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:44,080
I've decided to test for an
appointment with the FBI."
446
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:45,410
What?
447
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:47,710
"At their headquarters in D.C." what?
448
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:49,110
"This could be my dream job.
449
00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:50,980
"Please be happy for me.
This wasn't an easy decision.
450
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:53,350
You can call me at my
new cell number, 202..."
451
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,920
Ah-ha-ho.
452
00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:59,220
Um, this...
453
00:16:59,290 --> 00:17:00,830
Is not funny.
454
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,830
All right, I'm callin'
the number now, Hank,
455
00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:04,060
wherever you are.
456
00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:07,370
I know you're in here somewhere.
457
00:17:07,430 --> 00:17:09,500
It's ringin'.
458
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:13,340
Once, twice...
459
00:17:13,410 --> 00:17:15,240
- Hey.
- Hey, Theresa.
460
00:17:15,310 --> 00:17:17,310
- This is special agent...
- This has been really fun...
461
00:17:17,380 --> 00:17:18,740
...trainee Theresa Kelly. You
can leave a message here
462
00:17:18,810 --> 00:17:20,040
and I'll return it as soon as possible.
463
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:22,150
No.
464
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:34,930
Hello?
465
00:17:34,990 --> 00:17:36,690
[Mutters]
466
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,500
I even got you...
467
00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:41,700
Stupid.
468
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:49,310
[Sniffs]
469
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:52,310
Oh, Theresa.
470
00:18:00,090 --> 00:18:04,990
Oh, you stupid, stupid...
471
00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:07,930
Stupid Johnny.
472
00:18:07,990 --> 00:18:09,660
Ooh.
473
00:18:09,730 --> 00:18:12,700
My pretty... babyface
474
00:18:12,770 --> 00:18:14,730
ba-boobedy-boo.
475
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,530
[Sighs]
476
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,540
[Groaning] Ohhhhhhh...
477
00:18:20,610 --> 00:18:21,940
[Laughter]
478
00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:25,110
- Yeah!
- Sucker!
479
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,810
Boo-boobedy-boo!
480
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,710
Who... who's the princess now, baby?
481
00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:30,480
Man, look how shiny he is.
482
00:18:30,550 --> 00:18:32,520
Oh, this is gonna leave
some emotional scars.
483
00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:34,550
- Oh, yeah.
- I guess I deserve this.
484
00:18:34,620 --> 00:18:35,900
Yes, you did.
485
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:37,510
- [Laughs]
- Mm, you think?
486
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,260
What did you do with all your stuff?
487
00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:41,060
Billy's cousin has a
furniture movin' company.
488
00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:42,660
They owed him a favor.
489
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,660
Billy, they better not be
sellin' that furniture, man.
490
00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:45,800
They're not gonna sell it.
491
00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:48,630
Why would they se...
Because we're Puerto Rican?
492
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,840
Oh, dang. That's so racist.
493
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,540
But you know what? That's
a really good point.
494
00:18:57,610 --> 00:18:59,310
I'ma make a quick phone
call and just make sure
495
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:00,680
that we're all on the same page.
496
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:01,980
I thought you'd really left.
497
00:19:02,050 --> 00:19:03,510
That's what makes it so funny, bro.
498
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:05,650
Payback is a bitch.
499
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:06,920
Ping.
500
00:19:06,990 --> 00:19:08,020
[Laughter]
501
00:19:08,090 --> 00:19:09,790
Ohh...
502
00:19:09,860 --> 00:19:11,920
Hey, just for the record,
503
00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:15,330
I'm not moving anywhere anytime soon.
504
00:19:15,390 --> 00:19:16,930
Aww.
505
00:19:18,330 --> 00:19:20,700
That feels good.
506
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:28,740
Oh... my... God!
507
00:19:28,810 --> 00:19:32,010
This stuff is, like, the best cream.
508
00:19:35,910 --> 00:19:37,520
What's with the hat, bro?
509
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,680
Duck huntin'?
510
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:39,880
The sun, man.
511
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:41,190
Theresa's right. It's our enemy.
512
00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:42,720
So now you got a new fear.
513
00:19:42,790 --> 00:19:45,360
Just that little bit of that
$8 million lotion I rubbed on
514
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,090
really got me thinking
about the aging process.
515
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,590
No, my people don't age, remember?
516
00:19:48,660 --> 00:19:49,790
Black don't crack.
517
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:50,900
Hey, look, I got you breakfast.
518
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,760
Mm.
519
00:19:52,830 --> 00:19:54,270
Is there a fake spider in here?
520
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,570
What? No, I'm done with that.
521
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,840
Hey, man, did you get the
score of last night's game?
522
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,070
I can't seem to get it on my...
523
00:20:00,140 --> 00:20:01,110
Aah!
524
00:20:01,170 --> 00:20:03,540
[Laughs]
525
00:20:03,610 --> 00:20:05,180
What happened? What happened?
526
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,410
Just a little payback, buddy.
527
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:08,780
All right, that's enough, you guys.
528
00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:10,110
This is the end, okay?
529
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:11,320
Fears are all too real,
530
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:12,580
and I think we learned a valuable lesson
531
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:15,020
about that the last couple of days.
532
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,120
Am I right?
533
00:20:16,190 --> 00:20:17,220
I guess.
534
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:18,360
Yeah.
535
00:20:18,420 --> 00:20:20,020
Now let's you two shake hands,
536
00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:22,130
and that'll be the end of the shenanigans.
537
00:20:22,190 --> 00:20:23,160
Both: Shenanigans?
538
00:20:23,230 --> 00:20:24,160
What century are you from?
539
00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:28,000
[Horn honks]
540
00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:29,900
Is that his ass or his face?
541
00:20:29,970 --> 00:20:31,170
That's definitely ass.
542
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,400
[Loud crash]
543
00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:33,910
Oh, future Brian's stepdad is right.
544
00:20:33,970 --> 00:20:34,910
He needs to move farther away.
545
00:20:34,970 --> 00:20:36,610
Brian, take the rig.
546
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:37,910
Cool.
547
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:39,810
Cool, my first time driving.
548
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,710
- Hey!
- What?
549
00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:44,450
There's not a midget hidden
somewhere in the rig, is there?
550
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,280
Only one way to find out.
551
00:20:46,350 --> 00:20:48,550
[Laughter]
552
00:20:51,990 --> 00:20:54,930
All right, midget.
553
00:20:54,990 --> 00:20:57,460
Let me tell you how this is gonna go.
554
00:20:57,530 --> 00:21:04,070
We can do this the big
way... or the little way.
555
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:07,640
[Laughs]
556
00:21:07,710 --> 00:21:10,780
An obvious choice, midget.
557
00:21:10,830 --> 00:21:15,380
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