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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,870
- Glennon from the shotgun...
- Win it.
2
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:05,220
- No! Interception!
- Falcon ball!
3
00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:07,370
God!
4
00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:09,470
That is the third turnover
this game,
5
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,480
And Glennon is not impressing
his coaches at this point.
6
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,050
- Ugh.
- Interception, one fumble.
7
00:00:15,050 --> 00:00:16,710
The ball is turned over
for the third time...
8
00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,820
[Laughs]
9
00:00:21,390 --> 00:00:22,400
[Phone rings]
10
00:00:22,410 --> 00:00:23,490
What?
11
00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:25,320
From the couch, crouched,
12
00:00:25,330 --> 00:00:27,110
face almost to the floor,
sandwich in my right hand,
13
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:30,450
flicked the pickle into the
trash can, swish, no plastic.
14
00:00:30,450 --> 00:00:32,080
- Hmm, crouched?
- Crouched.
15
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,750
You know what the most
impressive thing about that is?
16
00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:37,170
- The distance.
- No.
17
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,440
The fact that you didn't eat the
pickle slice when it fell on the floor.
18
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,260
Call me back
after you hit three in a row.
19
00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:43,380
Hey, what's the score
on the Atlanta-Tampa bay game?
20
00:00:43,470 --> 00:00:46,570
That shitty helmets 17,
shit tier helmets in pewter pants 3.
21
00:00:46,570 --> 00:00:48,040
The buccaneers are the worst.
22
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,500
If they got a gay player on Tampa Bay,
23
00:00:49,510 --> 00:00:50,840
he ain't coming out of the closet
24
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,510
till he gets traded to a
team with better uniforms.
25
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,940
Yeah, this game's over.
26
00:00:53,940 --> 00:00:56,380
Back to the National Spelling Bee.
27
00:00:56,380 --> 00:00:58,980
Your word is "Elucubrate."
28
00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:01,650
Shit.
29
00:01:02,820 --> 00:01:04,320
Ask for a definition, kid.
30
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:06,660
- Definition, please.
- Good girl.
31
00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:08,420
[With announcer] "To work
out with great difficulty."
32
00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:09,960
- What, like in the gym?
- No, asshole.
33
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,830
In literature, to create
a great literary work.
34
00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:14,500
10 bucks says there's a "K".
35
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,230
- There's no "K".
- 10 bucks.
36
00:01:16,230 --> 00:01:17,970
You're on, bitch.
37
00:01:17,970 --> 00:01:19,000
Elucubrate.
38
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,640
E-L-U-C...
39
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,970
U-B-R-A-T-E.
40
00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:29,180
- Correct.
- Bah, no way that kid's nine.
41
00:01:29,180 --> 00:01:30,710
Mm-hmm, you know what
else don't have a "K"?
42
00:01:30,710 --> 00:01:32,850
"Cash". You owe me 10 bucks.
43
00:01:32,850 --> 00:01:33,980
Ohh.
44
00:01:33,980 --> 00:01:35,250
[Knock at door]
45
00:01:35,250 --> 00:01:38,150
Who's that?
46
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,450
- It's Theresa.
- Uh-oh.
47
00:01:39,460 --> 00:01:40,860
- What'd you do this time?
- I don't know.
48
00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,190
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
49
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:43,990
Whew, call me back. Godspeed.
50
00:01:43,990 --> 00:01:45,990
[Phone beeps]
51
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,700
Is everything okay?
52
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,600
Mm.
53
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,730
Mm-mm-mm.
54
00:01:51,740 --> 00:01:53,340
Mmm.
55
00:01:53,340 --> 00:01:56,310
Oh, you're drunk.
56
00:01:56,310 --> 00:02:00,010
Yep.
57
00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:01,510
Come here.
58
00:02:01,510 --> 00:02:03,880
Oh. Well, I... I can't do that.
59
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,350
I'd be taking advantage of you.
60
00:02:06,350 --> 00:02:08,420
- That is the whole point.
- God.
61
00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:11,890
Um... I'm trying to elucubrate
62
00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:13,360
the right thing to do here.
63
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:14,520
Elucu... what?
64
00:02:14,530 --> 00:02:15,890
...brate.
65
00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:18,460
I must be drunker than I thought.
66
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:19,530
[Mumbling]
67
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:20,560
Okay, let's do this.
68
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,700
How many, um, drinks did you have?
69
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:26,030
- Mm. Four gin and tonics...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
70
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,240
And a little, tasty, red thing.
71
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,710
Okay, five drinks. Five drinks.
72
00:02:30,710 --> 00:02:32,040
Well, calculating your body weight,
73
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,840
I'll need six drinks to catch up, right?
74
00:02:34,850 --> 00:02:36,310
- Okay.
- Right.
75
00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:37,710
Six shots to catch up.
76
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:39,110
Shots, shots, shots, shots.
77
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,220
Yeah, okay.
78
00:02:40,220 --> 00:02:41,880
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
79
00:02:41,890 --> 00:02:44,020
Yes.
80
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,190
- Get it.
- One. Keep going.
81
00:02:47,190 --> 00:02:48,820
You'll get it off. I trust you.
82
00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:50,060
Yep, kick it. Just keep kicking it.
83
00:02:50,060 --> 00:02:51,360
You'll get it. There you go.
84
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,130
- Be careful.
- Oh, oh, whoa!
85
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:57,270
Ow. Might need seven.
86
00:02:57,270 --> 00:02:59,230
I found a dollar under your couch.
87
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,670
Oh, it's a tip.
88
00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:03,010
Thanks.
89
00:03:05,110 --> 00:03:09,510
[Chuckling]
90
00:03:09,510 --> 00:03:11,750
[Gasps]
91
00:03:11,750 --> 00:03:13,320
I found another dollar.
92
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,080
It's your lucky day, huh?
93
00:03:16,090 --> 00:03:17,350
[Chuckling]
94
00:03:17,350 --> 00:03:19,920
Okay. Oh, where you going? Slow down.
95
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,990
[Hip-hop music]
96
00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:49,320
- Hey, Dudley Moore.
- No.
97
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,790
- Ooh.
- No!
98
00:03:50,790 --> 00:03:52,190
We gotta go to work.
99
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,560
[Chuckling]
100
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:55,960
On a scale of one to Dean Martin,
101
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,060
how drunk was I last night?
102
00:03:57,060 --> 00:03:59,360
Um, two.
103
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,330
- Two Dean Martins.
- Oy.
104
00:04:01,330 --> 00:04:02,330
Uh-huh.
105
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,800
[Chuckling]
106
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,400
So the sex?
107
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,000
Yeah.
108
00:04:08,010 --> 00:04:09,470
- It was fun.
- Yeah, it was.
109
00:04:09,470 --> 00:04:12,610
- And I was thinking...
- Uh-oh.
110
00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:14,480
- It could be fun again.
- You mean, like, right now?
111
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,980
No, right now my head is a jackhammer.
112
00:04:15,980 --> 00:04:17,610
- Okay.
- Look.
113
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:20,750
- We are both busy.
- Mmhmm.
114
00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:22,680
We both have needs.
115
00:04:22,690 --> 00:04:24,190
I miss you. You miss me.
116
00:04:24,190 --> 00:04:25,790
- Mm-hmm.
- So what do you say?
117
00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:27,260
You want to have sex sometimes?
118
00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:31,090
Uh, w...
119
00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:32,790
So...
120
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,400
- What do you mean?
- Sex.
121
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,770
Just sex, you know, like,
a couple times a week.
122
00:04:38,770 --> 00:04:41,870
- Really?
- Yeah.
123
00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:44,540
I... you want to just have sex
124
00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:45,870
with me a couple times a week
125
00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,180
without any of the relationship-y stuff?
126
00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:48,610
Is that what you're proposing?
127
00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:51,150
Yeah. It's exactly what I am proposing.
128
00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:52,850
Uh... [Laughs]
129
00:04:52,850 --> 00:04:55,280
- What?
- Nothing.
130
00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:57,850
- You don't think I can do this.
- I didn't say that.
131
00:04:57,860 --> 00:05:00,120
- But I don't think...
- I can do this.
132
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,360
I don't think you can do this.
133
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,290
No dating, no dinners, no long talks
134
00:05:03,290 --> 00:05:04,960
or texting after, no staying over.
135
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,360
We just get together,
136
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,700
have a blast a couple of times a week.
137
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,000
It doesn't even mean anything.
138
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,070
It doesn't mean we're
getting back together.
139
00:05:11,070 --> 00:05:13,100
I mean, it doesn't mean we're
not getting back together.
140
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:17,470
It's just pure, raw animal desire.
141
00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:22,380
What?
142
00:05:23,650 --> 00:05:24,950
I mean, this is every guy's fantasy.
143
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,180
A gorgeous girl wants to hook
up without any attachments.
144
00:05:28,190 --> 00:05:31,050
Well...
145
00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:33,220
I'm in.
146
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:34,720
- Cool.
- Cool.
147
00:05:34,730 --> 00:05:37,890
Clink on it.
148
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,060
Cool.
149
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:44,170
Both: Okay.
- Well, here we go.
150
00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:45,930
- Here we do it.
- Okay.
151
00:05:45,940 --> 00:05:47,170
We're doing it.
152
00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:48,440
- You just have a...
- We're gonna do it.
153
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,910
Never mind.
154
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,040
Just 'cause you clinked
on it doesn't mean shit.
155
00:05:56,050 --> 00:05:57,180
I don't know, clinking can be
156
00:05:57,180 --> 00:05:58,550
pretty serious stuff
when it comes to girls.
157
00:05:58,550 --> 00:05:59,980
- Thank you, Brian.
- I clinked on a bet
158
00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:01,620
with my cousin Magda once... Yeah?
159
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,220
Ended up taking her to
four different weddings.
160
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:05,250
And believe me, it was not like the movie.
161
00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:06,490
So you don't think that two people
162
00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:07,720
can have sex that's just sex?
163
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,020
No, I think two people can do it.
164
00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:11,060
I've seen four or five
people do it at the same time.
165
00:06:11,060 --> 00:06:13,360
- I don't think you can do it.
- No, Seinfeld did it.
166
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,960
No, he didn't... that was
the point of the episode.
167
00:06:14,970 --> 00:06:16,100
Hey, who do you think we'd be, huh?
168
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:17,800
You'd be Jerry, of course.
169
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,130
- You'd be George...
- What?
170
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:22,570
And I'd be Kramer and Elaine.
171
00:06:22,570 --> 00:06:23,840
I don't get why you get to be Elaine.
172
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,370
I'm a much better Elaine.
173
00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:28,340
[Indistinct chatter]
174
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:29,540
[Clears throat]
175
00:06:29,550 --> 00:06:31,250
- Hey, where's the patient?
- Oh, hello.
176
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:32,850
Actually, before you guys come in here,
177
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,280
can I just find out your disclosure policy?
178
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,280
I think we're owed that.
179
00:06:35,290 --> 00:06:36,520
What?
180
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,590
Answer me these questions three.
181
00:06:39,590 --> 00:06:42,320
Okay, boys, looks like we
have ourselves a wizard.
182
00:06:42,330 --> 00:06:43,630
No, no. Okay, listen.
183
00:06:43,630 --> 00:06:45,860
You guys, do we have
doctor-patient confidentiality?
184
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,360
Hey, relax. We're not cops.
185
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,500
We're just here to help you guys.
186
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:52,400
Mm, you have answered correctly.
187
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,670
Do you grant us safe passage?
188
00:06:53,670 --> 00:06:55,300
- Oh, Brian, come on.
- That's good, okay.
189
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:56,770
- Sorry.
- We were told that someone
190
00:06:56,770 --> 00:06:58,870
was struck by some sort
of sporting equipment.
191
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,680
[Chuckles] Oh, not struck, bro, impaled.
192
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,180
He got stuck by his own jart.
193
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:04,350
- He self-jarted.
- The man self-jarted.
194
00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:05,650
[Indistinct chatter]
195
00:07:05,650 --> 00:07:08,620
- Ooh.
- [Sighs]
196
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:11,490
[All cheering]
197
00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:13,320
This couldn't be our customer right here,
198
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,760
could it?
199
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,630
See what happens when people get drunk?
200
00:07:17,630 --> 00:07:20,660
They do stupid shit that
they'll regret later on.
201
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,330
All right, guy, let's take a look.
202
00:07:22,330 --> 00:07:24,100
Hey, guys.
203
00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:25,600
- Hey, how are you?
- Good.
204
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,770
Got an alcohol-related injury.
205
00:07:26,770 --> 00:07:28,600
Patient has what appears to be
206
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:30,310
a lawn dart lodged in his back.
207
00:07:30,310 --> 00:07:31,640
Obvious case of L.M.C.
208
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,540
- L.M.C.?
- Low marble count.
209
00:07:33,540 --> 00:07:35,210
[Laughs] That is awesome.
210
00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:37,010
That is awesome.
211
00:07:37,010 --> 00:07:38,550
I thought they outlawed
these things in the '80s.
212
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:40,950
Oh, yeah. We're, like,
totally off the grid.
213
00:07:40,950 --> 00:07:42,180
None of this is happening, man.
214
00:07:42,190 --> 00:07:43,720
But if it were happening,
215
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,890
then this would be the
northside jart invitational,
216
00:07:46,890 --> 00:07:49,090
and you would be watching the semifinals.
217
00:07:49,090 --> 00:07:50,530
- Yes.
- Oh.
218
00:07:50,530 --> 00:07:52,530
Is this, like, a group thing
or an individual sport or...
219
00:07:52,530 --> 00:07:54,200
[Laughter]
220
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,530
It's four teams of four, round-robin play.
221
00:07:56,530 --> 00:07:57,830
Jart must be thrown at least as high
222
00:07:57,830 --> 00:08:00,170
as that third-story
apartment window but no higher
223
00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:02,040
than the Smolinskis' sunshade.
224
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,870
Question... what if the sunshade isn't out?
225
00:08:03,870 --> 00:08:04,910
I'm glad you asked that.
226
00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:09,580
Winter rules apply. Anything goes.
227
00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:10,950
Winter's coming.
228
00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:13,110
- Ohh.
- He does that.
229
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,320
You know, you're lucky this
thing didn't hit an artery.
230
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,050
I think you mean a "jartery".
231
00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:19,050
[Laughter]
232
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:22,060
Next one gets a punch.
233
00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,330
We were just "jarting" around.
234
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:25,590
- Nice.
- [All snickering]
235
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,530
Sir, we're gonna have to take you in.
236
00:08:27,530 --> 00:08:29,600
What?
237
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,830
Oh, see, look. We got 12 dudes here.
238
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,340
Good time for the unofficial poll.
239
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:34,900
Hey, how many of you guys
240
00:08:34,910 --> 00:08:37,910
are just in relationships
to hook up and have sex?
241
00:08:37,910 --> 00:08:39,910
[All murmuring]
242
00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:43,510
How many of you guys are in relationships?
243
00:08:43,510 --> 00:08:46,980
[All murmuring]
244
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,950
I need you to lie still, sir.
245
00:08:50,950 --> 00:08:52,290
I can't get a good angle.
246
00:08:52,290 --> 00:08:53,990
Like, I want to get the jart in my back.
247
00:08:53,990 --> 00:08:56,590
But I want my face to be
like, "what jart in my back?"
248
00:08:56,590 --> 00:08:58,090
You know what else is in your back?
249
00:08:58,100 --> 00:08:59,190
Your spine.
250
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,500
Give me that.
251
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:03,100
Don't move.
252
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:05,400
- [Camera shutter clicks]
- How do I look?
253
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,630
Like a damn hors d'oeuvre.
254
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,200
Ha, yes, that's the caption.
255
00:09:09,210 --> 00:09:10,610
Oh, shit.
256
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:13,980
Mm-hmm.
257
00:09:13,980 --> 00:09:15,680
You don't think Theresa
and I can pull this off?
258
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,550
Oh, I think Theresa can
pull it off no problem.
259
00:09:17,550 --> 00:09:18,610
It's you I'm worried about.
260
00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,220
- You're worried about me?
- Yep.
261
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:21,880
Bro, it's a no-brainer. It's just sex.
262
00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:23,320
It's the part of the
relationship I'm good at.
263
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,550
How can I screw this up?
264
00:09:24,550 --> 00:09:26,220
Because you're you and because underneath
265
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:28,560
that sports-loving, man's-man,
guy's-guy heart of yours
266
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,490
is a tiny little vagina.
267
00:09:30,490 --> 00:09:31,660
Now I don't mean that in a bad way.
268
00:09:31,660 --> 00:09:32,990
It's a loving, supportive vagina.
269
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,130
- Aw.
- Knock it off, Brian.
270
00:09:34,130 --> 00:09:35,130
It sounded like a good thing.
271
00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:36,560
- It's not.
- Look.
272
00:09:36,570 --> 00:09:37,870
You're not in it for the action.
273
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:39,630
You like the talking and
the emotional attachment.
274
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:40,800
Face the facts, bro.
275
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,170
I like the sex. I can do this.
276
00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:45,870
You're gonna step on
your own dick here, pal.
277
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,310
Which one is it? Do I
have a dick or a vagina?
278
00:09:50,950 --> 00:09:53,950
He has both, actually, in a good way.
279
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:02,930
Nothing wrong with a man
280
00:10:02,930 --> 00:10:04,900
who's got a little squish mitten in him.
281
00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:08,430
I don't have a...
Is that what you call your...
282
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,370
Yep, squish mitten, love taco,
283
00:10:10,370 --> 00:10:12,240
cupcake, depends on the day.
284
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,610
Come on, I'm trying to read here.
285
00:10:13,610 --> 00:10:14,840
I don't want to have to hear
286
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,610
about what you call your private stuff.
287
00:10:16,610 --> 00:10:17,910
Look.
288
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:19,580
When I started here 20 years ago,
289
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,410
it was just you, Doyle, Stegs,
290
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,180
and a bunch of guys talking
about your dicks all day.
291
00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,650
Now, it's a new world.
292
00:10:24,650 --> 00:10:26,050
We got some girls up in here,
293
00:10:26,050 --> 00:10:28,490
and we're gonna call our
business whatever we want.
294
00:10:28,490 --> 00:10:30,620
- Ham wallet.
- Mmhmm.
295
00:10:30,620 --> 00:10:32,860
You had to start in with the sex talk.
296
00:10:32,860 --> 00:10:33,860
It wasn't me. It was Hank.
297
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:35,530
- Birth Cannon.
- Cha-cha.
298
00:10:35,530 --> 00:10:38,800
The Velveteen Rabbit.
299
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,600
It was my sister's favorite book.
300
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,200
- I totally ruined it for her.
- [Laughter]
301
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,840
You're a sensitive man, Farrell.
302
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,740
You got a little bit of girl in you.
303
00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,170
And I, for one, am gonna go on record
304
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,810
as saying I find that very attractive.
305
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,780
There are actually several varieties
306
00:10:51,780 --> 00:10:53,410
of fish that are hermaphroditic.
307
00:10:53,410 --> 00:10:56,480
In fact, there's one species
off the coast of Australia
308
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,180
that can grow the other genitalia
309
00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,650
and have sex with itself whenever it wants.
310
00:11:00,650 --> 00:11:01,790
- Really?
- Really?
311
00:11:01,790 --> 00:11:04,720
- What is it called?
- A happy goddamn fish.
312
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:05,920
[Laughter]
313
00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:07,360
Hey, I need a ruling here.
314
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,790
Do you think the jart
qualifies as an impalement?
315
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,800
Sure, if it's poking out of a
guy's shoulder meat like that.
316
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,160
- Sure.
- What are you doing?
317
00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:15,230
He's got an EMT bucket list in there.
318
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,670
- Hey.
- Oh!
319
00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:18,400
Things he hopes to see and do on the job.
320
00:11:18,410 --> 00:11:20,240
- Let me see.
- Impalement is number one.
321
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:21,610
Cash, come on.
322
00:11:21,610 --> 00:11:23,110
You stop eating my Twixes,
323
00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:25,010
I stop reading stuff
you leave laying around.
324
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,810
Delivering a baby... You
haven't done that yet?
325
00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:28,150
We delivered a baby last month.
326
00:11:28,150 --> 00:11:29,950
He wouldn't let me keep the placenta.
327
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:32,150
You've already got an umbilical cord.
328
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:33,550
- Narcan?
- Yeah.
329
00:11:33,550 --> 00:11:35,250
The thing where you jab a person with it
330
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:36,860
and bring him back to
life, like in Pulp Fiction.
331
00:11:36,860 --> 00:11:38,460
I forgot it was even called Narcan.
332
00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:39,890
Seven years on the job,
333
00:11:39,890 --> 00:11:41,230
I've only seen, like, two dead junkies.
334
00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:43,090
Days of the skinny-ass,
335
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,300
heroin, dope-shooting junkies are over.
336
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,670
Yeah, it's all meth
heads and crackheads now.
337
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:49,100
And we show up, and they ain't even dead.
338
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,440
And they're usually ranting and raving
339
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,570
and throwing crazy
Jackie Chan karate kicks.
340
00:11:52,570 --> 00:11:55,010
Had this one guy a couple months ago
341
00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:57,480
waving a machete around, screaming about
342
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,380
being Obama's cousin.
343
00:11:59,380 --> 00:12:01,710
Turns out he actually was.
344
00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,780
[Phone chimes]
345
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:08,190
It's Theresa, and she
wants to hook up tonight.
346
00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:10,460
All right, now, don't screw this up.
347
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:12,360
I got this, man.
348
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,790
I'm a sex machine.
349
00:12:13,790 --> 00:12:16,230
- I'm a sex machine.
- What?
350
00:12:16,230 --> 00:12:18,330
Or I think I might be part machine,
351
00:12:18,330 --> 00:12:20,900
because I like sex without
any emotional attachment.
352
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,800
Right? Who doesn't?
353
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:24,570
You... love taco.
354
00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:26,710
Shut up, dick.
355
00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:30,680
[Both panting]
356
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,210
A lot of eye contact
there on that one, buddy.
357
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:35,150
Oh, sorry.
358
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:36,880
It's okay.
359
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,080
You were focused, and it paid off.
360
00:12:39,090 --> 00:12:41,690
- I was, wasn't I?
- Mm-hmm.
361
00:12:41,690 --> 00:12:42,750
I think that my focus has improved
362
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,860
since I got into tennis.
363
00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:46,760
- You're playing tennis?
- Nah, just watching it.
364
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:47,930
But if you don't really concentrate,
365
00:12:47,930 --> 00:12:49,060
it gets super boring.
366
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,660
- [Giggles]
- You hungry?
367
00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:54,000
Whoa, hold on there, big guy.
368
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,200
What?
369
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,270
We agreed, no hanging around,
370
00:12:57,270 --> 00:13:01,040
no food, just sex, remember?
371
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:04,210
Right, right.
372
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:05,410
How about a sandwich?
373
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:09,680
Sorry, that falls under the food rule.
374
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,220
You said, "no dinner."
375
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,620
If I'd known sandwiches were off the table,
376
00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:13,650
I might not have agreed to this.
377
00:13:13,650 --> 00:13:15,790
Hey, we have to have boundaries,
378
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,160
or this isn't gonna work.
379
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,190
It just did work, babe. Twice-ish.
380
00:13:21,190 --> 00:13:22,590
And a lot of what I just did,
381
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,600
honey, fueled by sandwiches.
382
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,000
- Okay, you gotta go.
- Oh, well, okay.
383
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,040
Just, can I have a water?
384
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,870
Yeah, I can make that happen.
385
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,090
You felt used?
386
00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:54,320
Uh, a little bit. Yes.
387
00:13:54,330 --> 00:13:57,090
Because she wouldn't give you a sandwich?
388
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:58,260
What's wrong with you?
389
00:13:58,260 --> 00:13:59,560
You're supposed to tip your hat,
390
00:13:59,570 --> 00:14:02,370
thank her for the sex,
and get your own sandwich.
391
00:14:02,370 --> 00:14:03,970
It's Chicago... You can't walk 5 feet
392
00:14:03,970 --> 00:14:05,470
without running into a goddamn sandwich.
393
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,040
It's a very good sandwich town.
394
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,840
She tapped me on the ass.
395
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,110
I think a lot of guys
would like to have Theresa
396
00:14:15,110 --> 00:14:16,610
tap them on the ass.
397
00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:19,280
Not me, just random guys.
398
00:14:19,290 --> 00:14:20,850
I tap guys on the ass
399
00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:22,690
as they leave my apartment
all the goddamn time.
400
00:14:22,690 --> 00:14:23,790
It's a compliment.
401
00:14:23,790 --> 00:14:25,460
I felt like a piece of meat.
402
00:14:25,460 --> 00:14:26,690
And then I texted her this morning,
403
00:14:26,690 --> 00:14:28,130
telling her I had a great time,
404
00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:29,630
and she hasn't texted me back yet.
405
00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:31,130
- Oh, my God.
- And I don't care what you say.
406
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:33,800
- That's a matter of manners.
- Ooh, oh, my God.
407
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,170
Chicago north 911, man unconscious,
408
00:14:36,170 --> 00:14:37,670
corner of north Kedzie and Division
409
00:14:37,670 --> 00:14:39,000
inside Humboldt Park.
410
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,370
A half mile away.
411
00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:42,670
- [Siren wails]
- Ambulance 14 responding.
412
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,240
Here we go.
413
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:49,750
[Siren blaring]
414
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:52,850
[Crying] My baby.
415
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,520
What's he on? What's he on, miss?
416
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,090
- Heroin.
- Great.
417
00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:59,390
- Don't judge us.
- Wouldn't dream of it.
418
00:14:59,390 --> 00:15:01,530
Hello, sir, wake up.
419
00:15:01,530 --> 00:15:02,860
He's still got a pulse.
420
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,330
Brian, this is you.
421
00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:06,930
Narcan needle? Oh, my God, it's happening.
422
00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:08,570
- Look, here you go, Brian.
- Come on, do it.
423
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:10,030
It's really happening, seriously?
424
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:11,840
- You got this.
- Just slam it right in there.
425
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,470
No, but in my class, they said that I have
426
00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:15,270
to put the needle in slow,
unless the victim's gonna...
427
00:15:15,270 --> 00:15:16,540
Puke? No, you got a dead man here.
428
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,640
Not yet, I mean, that's why we're here.
429
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:19,840
Look, do it, or give it to me.
430
00:15:19,850 --> 00:15:21,040
My instructor said I have to put it...
431
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,180
- Brian!
- They don't puke, Bri.
432
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,580
They wake up and throw
crazy junkie punches.
433
00:15:23,580 --> 00:15:25,420
Now, jam it in and then duck.
434
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,780
- Go, go.
- Go, just stick it in there.
435
00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,820
- Go!
- Aah!
436
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,560
One Mississippi.
437
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,030
Two Mississippi.
438
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:37,960
[Gasps]
439
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,460
- Oh, baby!
- It worked!
440
00:15:40,470 --> 00:15:42,400
- You're a hero, Brian.
- Are you okay?
441
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,670
You ruined my high, man.
442
00:15:47,140 --> 00:15:48,140
[Vomits]
443
00:15:48,140 --> 00:15:50,140
Oh.
444
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,210
Let's take a picture.
445
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:54,680
Miss, would you mind taking a picture
446
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:55,880
- of the three of us?
- Uh, okay.
447
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,280
Brian, hand her your phone.
448
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,080
We'll check your vitals and
everything in one second, sir.
449
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,780
- It's on his bucket list.
- Thank you so much.
450
00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:03,350
Sure, yeah, uh, okay. I don't...
451
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,060
Hey. Nice, good job.
452
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:07,560
- I don't...
- Oh, I think you have to...
453
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,230
- I don't know...
- Honey, they changed it.
454
00:16:09,230 --> 00:16:12,230
- It's right here now.
- Oh, right. Okay, okay.
455
00:16:12,230 --> 00:16:14,000
See, the key is I say it to her in a way
456
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:15,130
that doesn't diminish her.
457
00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:16,500
Sure.
458
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,900
- Okay.
- Can you get all of us...
459
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:20,540
Yeah, all right. One, two, three.
460
00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:23,170
- Yeah.
- [Camera shutter clicks]
461
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,180
Damn. Those some fast junkies.
462
00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:30,150
Guess you got to be more
careful what you wish for,
463
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:31,380
- huh, Brian?
- You kidding me?
464
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:33,220
I'm gonna have this memory forever.
465
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:34,850
But you ain't gonna have that picture.
466
00:16:34,850 --> 00:16:38,020
It's all backed up right here.
467
00:16:38,020 --> 00:16:39,920
- [Sighs]
- I don't get it.
468
00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:43,230
Theresa and I are always
trying to stay together.
469
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,100
We fight, we break up, we come
up with these crazy sex plans.
470
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,630
And look at these two.
471
00:16:47,630 --> 00:16:49,600
They can't even stay alive without us,
472
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,170
but somehow they can
make a relationship work.
473
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:52,870
Look at them, they're
running away holding hands.
474
00:16:52,870 --> 00:16:54,370
Aw.
475
00:16:54,370 --> 00:16:56,370
What do they have that
me and Theresa don't?
476
00:16:56,380 --> 00:16:59,880
- Well, they do share a hobby.
- Mm.
477
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:00,880
[Laughs]
478
00:17:05,620 --> 00:17:06,980
[Laughter]
479
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,620
So then he got... So the needle's in,
480
00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:11,120
and then he just throws up all over me.
481
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,120
- Oh!
- [Laughter]
482
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,020
- [Groans]
- Ugh.
483
00:17:15,030 --> 00:17:16,790
- [Phone chimes]
- Sex alert.
484
00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:20,330
Yeah, but I'm not in the mood,
485
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,500
so I'm just gonna ignore that.
486
00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,170
What kind of reaction
is that to a sex alert
487
00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:25,530
from a pretty girl,
488
00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:28,870
whose job requires her to have handcuffs?
489
00:17:28,870 --> 00:17:31,440
What's wrong with you, love taco?
490
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,840
Shut up.
491
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,310
You know what, Johnny,
everybody's giving you
492
00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:35,580
the business about being part girl,
493
00:17:35,580 --> 00:17:37,150
- but you're not.
- Thank you.
494
00:17:37,150 --> 00:17:38,510
Because if you were, you would know
495
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,610
that Theresa's texting you right now
496
00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:40,780
because she wants to be with you.
497
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:42,420
I'm part girl... I know
what I'm talking about.
498
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:44,590
Theresa wants to get boned bad.
499
00:17:44,590 --> 00:17:47,190
Go bone her.
500
00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,730
Listen to her.
501
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:51,190
Okay, you know what?
502
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,400
You're right. You're right.
503
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,560
I'm gonna go over there, right now.
504
00:17:54,570 --> 00:17:55,760
- Bring her some flowers.
- Okay.
505
00:17:55,770 --> 00:17:58,970
- And, here, drink this.
- Okay.
506
00:18:04,470 --> 00:18:06,510
- Brain freeze.
- Perfect. You think too much.
507
00:18:06,510 --> 00:18:07,910
- Okay.
- Go.
508
00:18:07,910 --> 00:18:11,110
- He ain't gonna make it.
- No.
509
00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:16,020
[Knock at door]
510
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:19,020
[Rock music]
511
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,600
[Chuckles]
512
00:18:29,170 --> 00:18:31,500
[Moaning]
513
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:11,940
[Chuckles]
514
00:19:25,090 --> 00:19:27,290
- Oh!
- Hey.
515
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:29,160
Holy shit.
516
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,390
- 25 minutes.
- Yeah.
517
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,260
What'd I tell you, huh?
Was there good boning?
518
00:19:33,260 --> 00:19:34,430
Oh, there was.
519
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:35,830
- Oh, yeah!
- Were there handcuffs?
520
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,200
There were.
521
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,500
And my daiquiri's still frozen.
522
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,570
- Oh!
- [Laughter]
523
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:42,100
Rest in peace, love taco.
524
00:19:42,110 --> 00:19:43,770
[Laughter]
525
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,880
[Laughter]
526
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,740
But only if it was really
hot, you know what I mean?
527
00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:50,150
Just in the whole thing, just...
528
00:19:50,150 --> 00:19:52,150
[Laughter, chatter]
529
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,020
Just tell me about... Tell
me about what happened.
530
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,720
Oh, I feel amazing.
531
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,820
I'm gonna start boxing. Did
I tell you I used to box?
532
00:19:57,820 --> 00:19:59,660
- No.
- 'Cause I didn't.
533
00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:02,190
- [Laughs]
- But I'm gonna start now.
534
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,460
[Both chuckle]
535
00:20:03,460 --> 00:20:07,730
I'm gonna kickbox. Wha! Whoo! Wha!
536
00:20:07,730 --> 00:20:09,260
- Hey, easy, easy, my dashboard.
- Sorry, sorry.
537
00:20:09,270 --> 00:20:10,500
- My dashboard.
- Okay.
538
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,270
- Thanks for the ride.
- See you, man.
539
00:20:12,270 --> 00:20:13,640
See you tomorrow.
540
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:15,440
Oh, I feel like a million bucks.
541
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,810
[Howls]
542
00:20:16,810 --> 00:20:19,340
- [Howls]
- [Chuckles]
543
00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:20,940
Ahh. Ahh.
544
00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:22,980
Give me some. Uh!
545
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:24,980
- New day, new man.
- Uh! Uh!
546
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:28,260
- I'ma feel like a viking.
- [Laughs]
547
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,460
I'ma feel like a viking.
I'ma feel like a viking.
548
00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:35,170
Oh, wait. I forgot to ask you.
549
00:20:35,170 --> 00:20:36,630
Do you think it's weird that she hasn't
550
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,200
called or texted or anything?
551
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,610
I mean, it's been, like, three hours.
552
00:20:41,610 --> 00:20:42,940
- Give me the phone, John.
- What?
553
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:44,440
- Give me the damn phone.
- No.
554
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,680
Give me the goddamn phone, John,
555
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:47,380
before you ruin all the
progress you made tonight.
556
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:48,510
No, hey, what are you doing?
557
00:20:48,510 --> 00:20:49,880
- Don't be stupid.
- What are you doing?
558
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:51,280
- Give me the phone, John.
- No, no!
559
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,050
- Get away!
- You better give me that phone.
560
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,820
- You better give me that phone!
- Get away from me.
561
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,690
- Huh? Huh?
- What? Don't be stupid.
562
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:59,360
- Don't be stupid.
- [Speaking gibberish]
563
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:00,560
What? [Laughs]
564
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,390
- Huh? Ready?
- Give me the phone. Give me...
565
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:07,500
[Both grunting]
566
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,570
Hey!
567
00:21:09,570 --> 00:21:12,770
[Both grunting]
568
00:21:12,770 --> 00:21:15,910
[Phone chimes]
569
00:21:15,910 --> 00:21:18,940
- You think that was her?
- [Phone chimes]
570
00:21:18,950 --> 00:21:21,710
That was totally her.
571
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,310
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