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1
00:00:00,310 --> 00:00:07,085
?
2
00:00:07,086 --> 00:00:09,621
You remember that guy Marcus we
met at Karen's wedding shower?
3
00:00:09,622 --> 00:00:11,599
The one who looks like a
never-aging prince
4
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:13,081
in an enchanted painting?
5
00:00:13,082 --> 00:00:14,204
Yes!
6
00:00:14,205 --> 00:00:16,005
He wants to hang out
as, like, just friends.
7
00:00:16,006 --> 00:00:17,207
Isn't that cool?
8
00:00:17,208 --> 00:00:18,675
If cool has meant emotionally awkward
9
00:00:18,676 --> 00:00:20,276
all these years, then, yes.
10
00:00:20,277 --> 00:00:22,679
Well, I think it is very cool.
11
00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,180
What are we watching?
12
00:00:24,181 --> 00:00:27,317
I don't know, but a lawyer
just rode a horse onto a yacht,
13
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:29,118
so I'm gonna say Matlock reboot.
14
00:00:29,119 --> 00:00:30,920
Well, Marcus isn't
coming over 'til later.
15
00:00:30,921 --> 00:00:32,989
- Let's do a matinee.
- I don't know.
16
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:34,123
Come on.
17
00:00:34,124 --> 00:00:36,125
It'll get us out of the apartment and,
18
00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:38,795
we can play fantasy Asian reboot.
19
00:00:38,796 --> 00:00:39,963
We haven't played that in ages.
20
00:00:39,964 --> 00:00:41,598
Well, shake off the rust, my friend,
21
00:00:41,599 --> 00:00:43,766
because you are about to
reboot the Godfather
22
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:45,702
with an entirely Asian cast. Go.
23
00:00:45,703 --> 00:00:47,337
Michael Corleone: Steven Yeun,
24
00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:48,571
Sonny Corleone: John Cho.
25
00:00:48,572 --> 00:00:49,906
Vito Corleone don't get weird
26
00:00:49,907 --> 00:00:50,974
Michelle Yeoh.
27
00:00:50,975 --> 00:00:52,342
Love it.
28
00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:54,377
I was gonna say Tilda Swinton
for Asian Vito Corleone.
29
00:00:54,378 --> 00:00:56,246
Jen, Tilda Swinton's not Asian.
30
00:00:56,247 --> 00:00:57,614
What?
31
00:00:57,615 --> 00:00:59,682
Well, then, somebody
better tell Hollywood.
32
00:00:59,683 --> 00:01:01,985
Oh! Yeah!
33
00:01:01,986 --> 00:01:03,753
Though, I did think she
was a little bit Asian.
34
00:01:03,754 --> 00:01:06,055
She could be.
35
00:01:06,056 --> 00:01:09,025
Actually, maybe she is.
36
00:01:09,026 --> 00:01:20,338
?
37
00:01:22,154 --> 00:01:26,294
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
38
00:01:26,510 --> 00:01:32,248
?
39
00:01:32,249 --> 00:01:34,017
If I fantasy Asian
rebooted that movie,
40
00:01:34,018 --> 00:01:36,319
Steven Chow would
play Nick Cage, and...
41
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:40,256
Mo, wait. Our door was wide open.
42
00:01:40,257 --> 00:01:42,191
Hey, yeah, wasn't it
closed when we left?
43
00:01:42,192 --> 00:01:44,527
Yeah, and locked 'cause I'ma
straight A student of life.
44
00:01:44,528 --> 00:01:45,895
Oh my God.
45
00:01:45,896 --> 00:01:47,630
We got robbed!
46
00:01:47,631 --> 00:01:50,633
?
47
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:53,236
Okay, this is creepy.
Someone was here.
48
00:01:53,237 --> 00:01:54,570
Someone went through our stuff.
49
00:01:54,571 --> 00:01:56,239
Someone touched our things.
50
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,307
Someone left dirty dishes
on the coffee table.
51
00:01:59,910 --> 00:02:00,977
Okay, those are yours.
52
00:02:00,978 --> 00:02:02,412
I asked you to clean
them up a week ago.
53
00:02:02,413 --> 00:02:03,913
Had to try.
54
00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:09,819
(whispers) What if
someone's still here?
55
00:02:09,820 --> 00:02:11,521
Arm yourself.
56
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:15,391
?
57
00:02:15,392 --> 00:02:18,895
Wait, why do we have these?
We don't play these sports.
58
00:02:18,896 --> 00:02:22,265
Don't look a gift horse in the butt.
59
00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:23,833
- Ha!
- Ha!
60
00:02:23,834 --> 00:02:27,070
Hey! My university diploma.
61
00:02:27,071 --> 00:02:30,440
I thought I lost that.
62
00:02:30,441 --> 00:02:32,075
Ha!
63
00:02:32,076 --> 00:02:34,877
Hey, my jazz recorder.
I thought I'd lost this.
64
00:02:34,878 --> 00:02:36,612
I wonder how it got in the fridge.
65
00:02:36,613 --> 00:02:38,047
Yes, I also wonder.
66
00:02:38,048 --> 00:02:42,285
? (recorder)
67
00:02:42,286 --> 00:02:44,220
I feel so accomplished holding this.
68
00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:45,822
I think I might start
carrying it around, like,
69
00:02:45,823 --> 00:02:47,423
at parties and stuff.
70
00:02:47,424 --> 00:02:49,158
Well, I feel like I
can't touch anything.
71
00:02:49,159 --> 00:02:51,661
It's like I'm walking
around a crime scene.
72
00:02:51,662 --> 00:02:54,697
Mo, we were supposed
to call the police.
73
00:02:54,698 --> 00:02:56,766
No! Then I'll have to remember
all the "don'ts" my mom
74
00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,501
taught me for when
dealing with the law.
75
00:02:58,502 --> 00:02:59,902
Don't stand out too much.
76
00:02:59,903 --> 00:03:01,337
Don't speak to catalogue.
77
00:03:01,338 --> 00:03:02,905
Don't get too tanned.
78
00:03:02,906 --> 00:03:05,508
Hi, how are you? That's great.
79
00:03:05,509 --> 00:03:07,777
Actually, I do. We were robbed!
80
00:03:07,778 --> 00:03:10,546
Corner of Manning and Robinson.
81
00:03:10,547 --> 00:03:13,182
Will do. 'Kay, thanks, bye.
82
00:03:13,183 --> 00:03:14,751
All right, they're
sending someone over.
83
00:03:14,752 --> 00:03:17,286
We're supposed to write down
everything that was taken.
84
00:03:17,287 --> 00:03:19,188
Number one, my innocence.
85
00:03:19,189 --> 00:03:20,857
Oh, Blake Rupert took your
innocence in grade 10
86
00:03:20,858 --> 00:03:22,725
behind the portable for
remedial students...
87
00:03:22,726 --> 00:03:24,794
(gasps) Which he was.
88
00:03:25,963 --> 00:03:27,497
Just look for what's missing.
89
00:03:28,799 --> 00:03:30,533
Our Moonlight DVD was not taken,
90
00:03:30,534 --> 00:03:32,468
but La La Land was.
91
00:03:32,469 --> 00:03:34,237
This may be a hate crime.
92
00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:36,973
Mo, look! Our change jar's gone.
93
00:03:36,974 --> 00:03:40,109
No! We shouldn't have
so clearly labeled it.
94
00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:42,211
I've had that change jar
since grad school.
95
00:03:42,212 --> 00:03:43,913
There's probably hundreds
of dollars in there.
96
00:03:43,914 --> 00:03:45,581
It was mostly loons and twoons.
97
00:03:45,582 --> 00:03:47,517
I refuse to carry them
around, too jangly.
98
00:03:47,518 --> 00:03:49,719
Everywhere I go I sound like Christmas.
99
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,154
(thuds)
100
00:03:53,991 --> 00:03:55,491
We also do not play these sports.
101
00:03:55,492 --> 00:03:57,660
The Lord works in furious ways.
102
00:03:57,661 --> 00:04:02,165
?
103
00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:03,866
- Ha!
- Ah!
104
00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:06,135
You know, threatening an
officer with a sporting good
105
00:04:06,136 --> 00:04:08,704
can get you 10 to 12, right?
106
00:04:08,705 --> 00:04:09,906
We do now.
107
00:04:09,907 --> 00:04:11,874
Do you guys always
answer the door like that?
108
00:04:11,875 --> 00:04:13,709
You came in real hot.
109
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:17,447
?
110
00:04:17,448 --> 00:04:20,483
You guys love these
fidgie spinnies, huh?
111
00:04:20,484 --> 00:04:22,518
My son loves these.
112
00:04:22,519 --> 00:04:24,353
He lives with his mom.
113
00:04:24,354 --> 00:04:26,355
Oh, Death Blow.
114
00:04:26,356 --> 00:04:29,392
Bought my kid this for his birthday.
115
00:04:29,393 --> 00:04:32,261
Miss that little guy every day.
116
00:04:32,262 --> 00:04:35,898
Ah, should we be filling
out a report or something?
117
00:04:35,899 --> 00:04:39,602
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
118
00:04:39,603 --> 00:04:41,637
I should have that. Ah...
119
00:04:44,108 --> 00:04:45,808
Just, yeah.
120
00:04:48,045 --> 00:04:50,112
Ah... just, thanks.
121
00:04:52,249 --> 00:04:55,451
Oh, okay, here in my pocket.
122
00:04:55,452 --> 00:04:59,689
Yeah, let me just check that out, 'Kay.
123
00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:03,626
Let's see, no forced entry.
No real damage.
124
00:05:03,627 --> 00:05:05,261
Looks like you guys were pretty lucky.
125
00:05:05,262 --> 00:05:07,296
I don't see what's lucky
about not being able to
126
00:05:07,297 --> 00:05:10,633
eat or sleep, or connect with
loved ones the same way.
127
00:05:10,634 --> 00:05:13,369
That guy didn't just
break in, he broke us.
128
00:05:13,370 --> 00:05:16,038
Hold up. We keep referring
to the thief as a man.
129
00:05:16,039 --> 00:05:17,306
Oh my God, you're right.
130
00:05:17,307 --> 00:05:18,541
There's no excuse for gender bias.
131
00:05:18,542 --> 00:05:20,042
Thank you for keeping me real.
132
00:05:20,043 --> 00:05:22,378
I'm still here.
133
00:05:22,379 --> 00:05:24,147
I have a theory.
134
00:05:24,148 --> 00:05:26,549
The perp used one of those
James Bond thingies to get
135
00:05:26,550 --> 00:05:28,217
in the front door,
then sat on the couch
136
00:05:28,218 --> 00:05:30,987
to catch their perp-y breath.
137
00:05:30,988 --> 00:05:32,822
Then the perp did what a
perp does best:
138
00:05:32,823 --> 00:05:35,358
rubbed their butt on stuff.
139
00:05:35,359 --> 00:05:37,527
What is a James Bond thing?
140
00:05:37,528 --> 00:05:39,862
Probably rubbed
their butt on the table,
141
00:05:39,863 --> 00:05:44,066
the couch, the fridge,
specific food items...
142
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,703
Then perp'd out the
front door like a real perp.
143
00:05:47,704 --> 00:05:49,572
Wow, you love using the word perp.
144
00:05:49,573 --> 00:05:51,674
I've never really had
an opportunity to use it before,
145
00:05:51,675 --> 00:05:53,276
so I'm definitely gonna go with this.
146
00:05:53,277 --> 00:05:55,044
Let's talk motive.
147
00:05:55,045 --> 00:05:56,445
Good idea.
148
00:05:56,446 --> 00:05:59,949
First, I'm gonna grab
that back real quick.
149
00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:01,284
You shouldn't have that.
150
00:06:01,285 --> 00:06:03,052
They just gave that back to me.
151
00:06:03,053 --> 00:06:07,023
?
152
00:06:07,024 --> 00:06:08,391
These are all the people I've wronged
153
00:06:08,392 --> 00:06:10,193
in the past 24 hours.
154
00:06:10,194 --> 00:06:11,427
Wow!
155
00:06:11,428 --> 00:06:13,262
What did you do to the
lovely elderly lady
156
00:06:13,263 --> 00:06:14,664
who lives next door?
157
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,265
It's what I didn't do.
158
00:06:16,266 --> 00:06:18,401
Okay, what was actually taken?
159
00:06:18,402 --> 00:06:20,036
Aside from our belief in humanity?
160
00:06:20,037 --> 00:06:21,204
Yes.
161
00:06:21,205 --> 00:06:22,605
Our change jar.
162
00:06:22,606 --> 00:06:24,440
And our La La Land DVD!
163
00:06:24,441 --> 00:06:27,009
A jar of change and a DVD.
164
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,478
Hey, that jar of change
may have contained
165
00:06:29,479 --> 00:06:31,113
hundreds of dollars.
166
00:06:31,114 --> 00:06:32,582
It was mostly loons and twoons.
167
00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:34,350
Yeah, and as women of colour,
168
00:06:34,351 --> 00:06:36,719
we really don't want people
to know that we own La La Land.
169
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,689
Okay!
170
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,325
Yeah, this is Officer Corn
reporting on that 10-37.
171
00:06:42,326 --> 00:06:43,693
Turns out it was nothing.
172
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:45,294
- Nothing!
- Nothing!
173
00:06:45,295 --> 00:06:47,430
The criminal who was in our home is
174
00:06:47,431 --> 00:06:49,765
out in the streets roaming free.
175
00:06:49,766 --> 00:06:51,334
- What if he comes back?
- Jen!
176
00:06:51,335 --> 00:06:53,569
Sorry. What if he or she comes back?
177
00:06:53,570 --> 00:06:55,171
Jen, gender is fluid.
178
00:06:55,172 --> 00:06:56,606
It's the river that
runs through us all.
179
00:06:56,607 --> 00:06:59,175
Thank you. What if they come back?
180
00:06:59,176 --> 00:07:02,044
What if they did weird sex
stuff inside the apartment?
181
00:07:02,045 --> 00:07:04,480
Nobody did weird sex stuff
in your apartment?
182
00:07:04,481 --> 00:07:06,215
Oh, yeah? Smell the air.
183
00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:07,450
(sniffs) Smell it!
184
00:07:07,451 --> 00:07:09,652
Smells like weird sex stuff to me.
185
00:07:09,653 --> 00:07:11,454
- No, it doesn't.
- Smell this.
186
00:07:11,455 --> 00:07:12,421
Give it a smell. Smell it.
187
00:07:12,422 --> 00:07:13,956
I'm not gonna smell that. I'm not.
188
00:07:13,957 --> 00:07:16,959
Take a whiff; that's eau
de weird sex stuff, pal.
189
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,495
Not gonna take a whiff, okay.
190
00:07:19,496 --> 00:07:20,763
Watch.
191
00:07:20,764 --> 00:07:22,598
This is Officer Corn, can you tell me,
192
00:07:22,599 --> 00:07:24,767
does weird sex stuff have a smell?
193
00:07:24,768 --> 00:07:26,369
Radio: Copy that.
194
00:07:26,370 --> 00:07:28,004
Yeah, MacKeigan says it does.
195
00:07:28,005 --> 00:07:30,172
Says it's like a damp sandalwood.
196
00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:34,777
(sniffs)
197
00:07:34,778 --> 00:07:38,214
Oh, no.
198
00:07:38,215 --> 00:07:41,150
(sniffs)
199
00:07:41,151 --> 00:07:46,322
?
200
00:07:46,323 --> 00:07:47,990
You know, I bet that
cop would've treated us
201
00:07:47,991 --> 00:07:49,825
differently if we
weren't two women of colour.
202
00:07:49,826 --> 00:07:51,794
Yeah, 'cause if we
were two white women,
203
00:07:51,795 --> 00:07:53,929
our Uggs would've been
stolen and our Keurig,
204
00:07:53,930 --> 00:07:56,499
and the large rubies we
use as paper weights.
205
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:59,635
My dad bought my mom a
Keurig for Christmas... twice.
206
00:07:59,636 --> 00:08:02,171
And, if we were two dudes,
we would be chugging
207
00:08:02,172 --> 00:08:04,807
brewskies with him right no,
swapping stories about
208
00:08:04,808 --> 00:08:06,876
who's been physically
closer to Wayne Gretzky.
209
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:08,344
Men have it so easy.
210
00:08:08,345 --> 00:08:10,346
Ooh, not men of colour.
211
00:08:10,347 --> 00:08:12,315
Thank you for keeping me real.
212
00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:14,283
This just gets me
ticked right off, you know.
213
00:08:14,284 --> 00:08:15,584
Oh!
214
00:08:15,585 --> 00:08:16,919
There's just a 90-year-old
woman aching to get
215
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,121
out of your 24-year-old body.
216
00:08:19,122 --> 00:08:20,489
(loud knocks)
217
00:08:20,490 --> 00:08:23,693
?
218
00:08:23,694 --> 00:08:25,328
These sports keep getting weirder.
219
00:08:25,329 --> 00:08:27,630
Beggars can't be losers.
220
00:08:27,631 --> 00:08:30,433
?
221
00:08:30,434 --> 00:08:31,567
- Ha!
- Ah!
222
00:08:31,568 --> 00:08:32,668
Ah!
223
00:08:36,811 --> 00:08:43,635
?
224
00:08:43,636 --> 00:08:45,036
Marcus?
225
00:08:45,037 --> 00:08:48,039
- Come on.
- I know; I'm early. Sorry.
226
00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,749
I was raised by a single dad
who firmly believes that,
227
00:08:50,750 --> 00:08:51,917
when you arrive on time,
228
00:08:51,918 --> 00:08:53,352
you're already 5 minutes late.
229
00:08:53,353 --> 00:08:56,055
Quick question: Why the
terrifying balaclava?
230
00:08:56,056 --> 00:08:58,090
Well, it was real windy
today and the right gust
231
00:08:58,091 --> 00:08:59,725
can really chap a cheek.
232
00:08:59,726 --> 00:09:01,660
I have a 7-part skin regime.
233
00:09:01,661 --> 00:09:04,129
Oh, well, it is working.
234
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:07,766
Ah, God, thanks. (nervous laugh)
235
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:10,669
Did Las Vegas have a
party in your apartment?
236
00:09:10,670 --> 00:09:12,371
Dude, we were robbed and
we thought you were the thief
237
00:09:12,372 --> 00:09:15,174
returning to the scene of their crime.
238
00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:18,610
Being robbed sucks.
Is there anything I can do?
239
00:09:18,611 --> 00:09:20,579
No, we're fine.
240
00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:23,682
Though, if we could
reschedule that friend date?
241
00:09:23,683 --> 00:09:26,151
Bag of chips would be nice,
any flavour, really.
242
00:09:26,152 --> 00:09:28,387
I was really looking forward
to our day of friendship.
243
00:09:28,388 --> 00:09:30,389
Ketchup, dill pickle.
244
00:09:30,390 --> 00:09:34,059
Flavour from a
flavour contest like ravioli.
245
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,461
Oh, hey!
246
00:09:35,462 --> 00:09:37,996
I have a weird half-cousin who
works for a security company.
247
00:09:37,997 --> 00:09:40,833
Maybe I can get you guys a
deal on an alarm system.
248
00:09:40,834 --> 00:09:42,568
Oh, thank you so much.
We'd really appreciate that.
249
00:09:42,569 --> 00:09:44,136
Very, very grateful.
250
00:09:44,137 --> 00:09:45,938
I'm writing you a thank you
card as soon as you leave.
251
00:09:45,939 --> 00:09:47,239
(laughs)
252
00:09:49,576 --> 00:09:50,876
Mm.
253
00:09:50,877 --> 00:09:51,844
(text chime)
254
00:09:51,845 --> 00:09:53,779
Oh, crap.
255
00:09:53,780 --> 00:09:58,283
(sighs)
256
00:09:58,284 --> 00:10:00,853
Hi, Ma.
257
00:10:00,854 --> 00:10:04,022
Jenny, look what mommy found
while cleaning basement!
258
00:10:04,023 --> 00:10:07,359
Does Jenny want for her apartment?
259
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,928
Ma, if you don't want it, no one does.
260
00:10:09,929 --> 00:10:13,265
Why is Mo cleaning? Mo never cleans.
261
00:10:15,368 --> 00:10:18,170
Actually, we got robbed!
262
00:10:18,171 --> 00:10:22,174
Robbed! Why?
You have nothing of value.
263
00:10:22,175 --> 00:10:25,577
What did Jenny do?
Did you lock the door?
264
00:10:25,578 --> 00:10:27,079
Did you shut the window?
265
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,381
Did you hide away nicest,
most expensive things and
266
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:31,917
only bring it out
when company is coming?
267
00:10:31,918 --> 00:10:33,986
Ma, this is not our fault!
268
00:10:33,987 --> 00:10:36,421
From now on,
Mommy will call twice a day
269
00:10:36,422 --> 00:10:38,157
to make sure Jenny is alive.
270
00:10:38,158 --> 00:10:39,658
Oh, you don't need to do that.
271
00:10:39,659 --> 00:10:43,662
And Mommy will visit much, much more.
272
00:10:43,663 --> 00:10:46,665
'Kay, sending Daddy over
to check on Jenny's life,
273
00:10:46,666 --> 00:10:48,066
and bring painting!
274
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:51,870
Mm.
275
00:10:51,871 --> 00:10:55,307
Well, my mom basically said
we were asking to be robbed.
276
00:10:55,308 --> 00:10:57,242
But we didn't do anything wrong.
277
00:10:57,243 --> 00:10:59,778
We saw a Nick Cage movie;
that is pretty wrong.
278
00:10:59,779 --> 00:11:00,879
Mm.
279
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,481
How did someone get in?
280
00:11:02,482 --> 00:11:05,517
Teleportation, transmutation,
crappy locks?
281
00:11:05,518 --> 00:11:07,586
Of course! Mo!
282
00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:08,687
We should have contacted the landlord
283
00:11:08,688 --> 00:11:10,189
directly after the cops.
284
00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:13,959
Ah, you know there's no correct
way to get robbed, right?
285
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,129
Hi Hsu, It's Jennifer Wu
here calling about the
286
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:20,232
integrity of our locks
seeing as we were robbed!
287
00:11:20,233 --> 00:11:25,003
And, our lease stipulates
you provide us with,
288
00:11:25,004 --> 00:11:27,639
"basic security measures".
289
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,976
Wow, you just knew
right where that was.
290
00:11:30,977 --> 00:11:33,312
Also, last week, I left you
a bunch of messages
291
00:11:33,313 --> 00:11:35,113
about the wall squirrels...
292
00:11:35,114 --> 00:11:36,381
(squirrel squeaks)
293
00:11:36,382 --> 00:11:38,350
They sound like they might be in heat.
294
00:11:38,351 --> 00:11:45,190
?
295
00:11:45,191 --> 00:11:47,626
(message alert)
Oh, this can't be good.
296
00:11:47,627 --> 00:11:48,960
Hi, Nay.
297
00:11:49,495 --> 00:11:50,595
Jen, Jen.
298
00:11:50,746 --> 00:11:52,360
_
299
00:11:52,925 --> 00:11:53,847
_
300
00:11:53,848 --> 00:11:55,200
You have nothing of value?
301
00:11:58,387 --> 00:12:00,022
_
302
00:12:00,096 --> 00:12:01,406
_
303
00:12:01,407 --> 00:12:05,043
Well, remember, everything
is part of God's plan.
304
00:12:05,044 --> 00:12:07,646
Not everything is
part of God's plan, Nay.
305
00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:09,114
Yes, everything.
306
00:12:09,115 --> 00:12:10,682
What about Limp Bizkit?
307
00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:12,284
Is Limp Bizkit part of God's plan?
308
00:12:13,082 --> 00:12:14,882
_
309
00:12:15,021 --> 00:12:16,822
And sold as sex slaves?
310
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,090
Did you just come from church?
311
00:12:18,091 --> 00:12:19,358
It's the Philippines!
312
00:12:19,359 --> 00:12:22,327
I'm always just coming from church!
313
00:12:22,328 --> 00:12:23,395
Okay, bye.
314
00:12:23,396 --> 00:12:25,297
Cool... cool, cool.
315
00:12:25,298 --> 00:12:28,233
Your Mom told my Mom,
who thinks it's a sex killer.
316
00:12:28,234 --> 00:12:32,037
Mo, we haven't been
using our greatest weapon.
317
00:12:32,038 --> 00:12:33,305
I'll get my crossbow.
318
00:12:33,306 --> 00:12:34,973
No, our minds!
319
00:12:34,974 --> 00:12:36,675
We need a plan so we
know what to do in the
320
00:12:36,676 --> 00:12:39,378
statistically unlikely event
of another home invasion.
321
00:12:39,379 --> 00:12:41,680
Oh, I know exactly what I'd do.
322
00:12:44,717 --> 00:12:46,551
First...
323
00:12:46,552 --> 00:12:48,453
I'd Jiu-Jitsu over to them.
324
00:12:48,454 --> 00:12:53,025
Then, I'd turn the perp into a
tasty little perp in a blanket.
325
00:12:53,026 --> 00:12:55,894
Then I'd give them a taste
of their own perp-y medicine.
326
00:12:55,895 --> 00:12:59,498
?
327
00:12:59,499 --> 00:13:02,601
I think you're the
perp in that scenario.
328
00:13:02,602 --> 00:13:04,821
I'd get deep...
329
00:13:04,822 --> 00:13:06,989
Show them we are not the enemy.
330
00:13:08,441 --> 00:13:11,910
Find out what it is
that they really need...
331
00:13:11,911 --> 00:13:15,547
And show that we can
actually give it to them.
332
00:13:15,548 --> 00:13:18,483
Taking is not the answer
when you still have
333
00:13:18,484 --> 00:13:20,819
so much to give.
334
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:25,257
?
335
00:13:25,258 --> 00:13:26,958
You should play your jazz recorder.
336
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:28,360
Bet that'd scare them off.
337
00:13:28,361 --> 00:13:29,928
People love a jazz recorder.
338
00:13:29,929 --> 00:13:31,596
Oh my God, I know I do.
339
00:13:31,597 --> 00:13:32,798
(screams)
340
00:13:32,799 --> 00:13:34,833
?
341
00:13:44,905 --> 00:13:47,470
Son of a Bill Gates, Marcus! Again?!
342
00:13:47,471 --> 00:13:48,772
I mean, you are lovely to look at,
343
00:13:48,773 --> 00:13:50,039
but seriously, again?
344
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,275
Sorry, I lost my bike helmet
last week and
345
00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,477
I've been using this as a
replacement ever since.
346
00:13:54,478 --> 00:13:57,947
I just realized it
is very, very scary.
347
00:13:57,948 --> 00:13:59,282
Though, how did you get in?
348
00:13:59,283 --> 00:14:00,917
Oh, the door was unlocked.
349
00:14:00,918 --> 00:14:03,720
Mo, seriously?!
Marcus just strolled right in.
350
00:14:03,721 --> 00:14:04,954
He could have killed us.
351
00:14:04,955 --> 00:14:06,222
Oh, no! I couldn't kill anybody.
352
00:14:06,223 --> 00:14:07,657
You know, back in grade 10 biology
353
00:14:07,658 --> 00:14:10,393
when they brought out the frog,
I straight up wept.
354
00:14:10,394 --> 00:14:12,328
It's a door, Jen.
If somebody wants to get in,
355
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:13,763
they're just gonna bust it down.
356
00:14:13,764 --> 00:14:16,099
Well, thank you for
that terrifying truth.
357
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,767
Hey, you know what makes me feel safe,
358
00:14:17,768 --> 00:14:21,704
All your tight beautiful muscles?
359
00:14:21,705 --> 00:14:23,473
Bam!
360
00:14:23,474 --> 00:14:26,042
All right, so, turns out my
weird half-cousin
361
00:14:26,043 --> 00:14:27,977
does not work at the
security company anymore,
362
00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:30,447
but is in fact, gone off the grid.
363
00:14:30,448 --> 00:14:31,881
That is what weird people do.
364
00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:33,183
That, and Pilates.
365
00:14:33,184 --> 00:14:35,518
Well, I'm... It's a pretty
epic fail on my part.
366
00:14:35,519 --> 00:14:39,222
Though, I did get...
367
00:14:39,223 --> 00:14:42,292
Apology chips.
368
00:14:42,293 --> 00:14:44,327
Remorse is my favourite flavour.
369
00:14:48,299 --> 00:14:51,167
Hey, I'm really sorry I
couldn't get you an alarm.
370
00:14:51,168 --> 00:14:52,902
What? You kidding me?
371
00:14:52,903 --> 00:14:54,737
A bag of chips and a
"Beware Dog" sign;
372
00:14:54,738 --> 00:14:57,140
you're a modern-day Sir Gawain.
373
00:14:57,141 --> 00:14:58,608
Who?
374
00:14:58,609 --> 00:15:01,478
14th century Middle English
chivalrous fictional character.
375
00:15:01,479 --> 00:15:02,712
Tight.
376
00:15:02,713 --> 00:15:04,113
Honestly, thank you.
377
00:15:04,114 --> 00:15:08,918
Well, what are
just-friends for, right?
378
00:15:08,919 --> 00:15:10,487
So, do you want to
friend hang another time?
379
00:15:10,488 --> 00:15:11,421
(shouts) Yes!
380
00:15:11,422 --> 00:15:12,689
Sorry...
381
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,457
That was a lot louder
than I expected it to be.
382
00:15:14,458 --> 00:15:16,159
Well, there's a really cool
brew pub just north of here
383
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,929
that does late 90s
trivia on Thursdays.
384
00:15:19,930 --> 00:15:21,331
Today's Thursday.
385
00:15:21,332 --> 00:15:24,334
Right, and you just got robbed...
386
00:15:24,335 --> 00:15:26,669
Not a good time to...
387
00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:28,137
answer questions about Shakira.
388
00:15:28,138 --> 00:15:31,074
(shouts) No, I would love to!
389
00:15:31,075 --> 00:15:33,343
Again, much louder than I thought.
390
00:15:33,344 --> 00:15:36,579
Sorry. But I would love to.
391
00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:38,915
You know, these hips don't lie.
392
00:15:38,916 --> 00:15:42,352
Okay, sweet.
Well, I'll swing by later.
393
00:15:42,353 --> 00:15:44,220
(whispers) Sounds great.
394
00:15:44,221 --> 00:15:45,722
What?
395
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:47,724
Oh, I'm trying to learn
from my volume mistakes.
396
00:15:47,725 --> 00:15:50,393
(shouts) Sounds great!
397
00:15:50,394 --> 00:15:51,327
Ah...
398
00:15:51,328 --> 00:15:52,395
Ha.
399
00:15:52,396 --> 00:15:53,796
(laughs)
400
00:15:53,797 --> 00:15:54,964
Get my hips ready.
401
00:15:54,965 --> 00:15:57,300
I can move, too. (laughs)
402
00:15:59,036 --> 00:16:01,604
- Bye.
- Bye.
403
00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:03,239
Unh! Ow.
404
00:16:05,643 --> 00:16:10,880
?
405
00:16:10,881 --> 00:16:12,815
Again, FYI, I don't put on
three coats of mascara
406
00:16:12,816 --> 00:16:14,050
for my just-friends.
407
00:16:14,051 --> 00:16:16,686
- (text chime)
- (gasps)
408
00:16:16,687 --> 00:16:19,789
Ugh, not again.
409
00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:21,591
Hi, Ma!
410
00:16:21,592 --> 00:16:24,627
You sure you don't want
this for your apartment,
411
00:16:24,628 --> 00:16:26,863
since all your things were stolen.
412
00:16:26,864 --> 00:16:29,899
Actually, we didn't lose any
obviously haunted paintings
413
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,602
because we don't own any
obviously haunted paintings.
414
00:16:32,603 --> 00:16:35,338
'Kay, Daddy will bring over
when he checks on your life.
415
00:16:35,339 --> 00:16:39,242
Ma, no!
416
00:16:39,243 --> 00:16:40,376
?
417
00:16:40,377 --> 00:16:41,477
(screams)
418
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:43,646
Jen, the plans!
419
00:16:43,647 --> 00:16:45,181
Nothing fills that emptiness but you.
420
00:16:45,182 --> 00:16:46,482
Jiu-Jits Jiu-Jitsu, Jiu-Jitsu!
421
00:16:46,483 --> 00:16:47,617
Agh!
422
00:16:47,618 --> 00:16:49,052
Oh, my eyes, my eyes!
423
00:16:49,053 --> 00:16:50,253
Marcus!
424
00:16:50,254 --> 00:16:51,354
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
425
00:16:51,355 --> 00:16:53,022
Scream was a big movie in
the late 90s and
426
00:16:53,023 --> 00:16:54,824
a lot of people wear the
mask to trivia night.
427
00:16:54,825 --> 00:16:56,626
Oh, yeah. The killer's name
was Ghost Face,
428
00:16:56,627 --> 00:16:57,927
but I always thought it
would be scarier
429
00:16:57,928 --> 00:16:59,829
if his name was Ghost Knee.
430
00:16:59,830 --> 00:17:01,664
I'm so sorry.
431
00:17:01,665 --> 00:17:02,966
Are you okay? What can I do?
432
00:17:02,967 --> 00:17:05,468
Oh, no, no, no. You've done enough.
433
00:17:05,469 --> 00:17:06,936
I'm gonna go.
434
00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:09,272
I'll see you guys later
if I can regain my vision.
435
00:17:09,273 --> 00:17:11,307
Marcus! Wait!
436
00:17:11,308 --> 00:17:15,445
We can reschedule! I love 90s trivia!
437
00:17:15,446 --> 00:17:18,448
(groans) (huffs)
438
00:17:21,619 --> 00:17:23,886
Jen, your cleaning is
compulsive and out of control.
439
00:17:23,887 --> 00:17:27,156
Yeah, well, none of us can
really control anything, can we?
440
00:17:27,157 --> 00:17:31,260
I mean, you do everything
right and things still go bad.
441
00:17:31,261 --> 00:17:32,895
People break in; friends you have
442
00:17:32,896 --> 00:17:34,864
amazing sensual chemistry
with go blind.
443
00:17:34,865 --> 00:17:36,265
(laughs)
444
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:38,067
Oh my God, I think I'm
gonna have a panic attack.
445
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:40,436
(thuds)
446
00:17:40,437 --> 00:17:41,938
If that's Marcus again,
I don't care how great
447
00:17:41,939 --> 00:17:44,040
the sensual tension is;
I'm gonna murder kill him.
448
00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:47,110
?
449
00:17:47,111 --> 00:17:49,579
Ha! Hsu?
450
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:52,215
I'm so glad to see you!
Speaking of which,
451
00:17:52,216 --> 00:17:54,317
we really need a peephole
for this door.
452
00:17:55,953 --> 00:18:02,225
?
453
00:18:02,226 --> 00:18:03,826
So, as you know, we were robbed.
454
00:18:03,827 --> 00:18:05,461
- No.
- No?
455
00:18:05,462 --> 00:18:07,030
No, you weren't robbed.
456
00:18:07,031 --> 00:18:09,232
I came down to handle
the wall squirrels.
457
00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:11,601
Nobody was here, so I let myself in.
458
00:18:11,602 --> 00:18:14,737
I must have let the door open
when I went to get my...
459
00:18:14,738 --> 00:18:18,274
sonic machine.
460
00:18:18,275 --> 00:18:20,777
It turns squirrels off.
461
00:18:20,778 --> 00:18:23,012
Cool, I'm gonna use it on humans.
462
00:18:23,013 --> 00:18:23,980
Okay, wait.
463
00:18:23,981 --> 00:18:26,082
Why did you trash the place, then?
464
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,051
Are you out of your mind?
This is the way I found it.
465
00:18:28,052 --> 00:18:29,552
Oh, yeah.
466
00:18:29,553 --> 00:18:33,156
I'm a mess.
467
00:18:33,157 --> 00:18:34,724
I still think we need new locks.
468
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,998
_
469
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:44,618
_
470
00:18:47,124 --> 00:18:50,672
_
471
00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:54,944
There's always hope.
472
00:18:54,945 --> 00:18:56,112
What did he say?
473
00:18:56,113 --> 00:18:59,115
I don't know, but it
sounded meaningful.
474
00:18:59,116 --> 00:19:01,050
So, no new locks.
475
00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:02,785
Hey, hold on.
476
00:19:02,786 --> 00:19:06,456
Our lease says basic
security measures.
477
00:19:06,457 --> 00:19:10,226
Meet my little friend...
478
00:19:10,227 --> 00:19:12,729
Basic security measures.
479
00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:16,966
Oh, you gave us the sports thingies.
480
00:19:16,967 --> 00:19:20,603
No, what about our La La Land
DVD and our change jar?
481
00:19:20,604 --> 00:19:22,805
You're 16 days behind on your rent.
482
00:19:22,806 --> 00:19:27,043
The money in the
change jar equals my rent.
483
00:19:27,044 --> 00:19:30,379
Your La La Land is
somewhere in all of this.
484
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,281
Then it really is lost forever.
485
00:19:32,282 --> 00:19:35,585
So, our change jar had
enough money in it for rent?
486
00:19:38,922 --> 00:19:41,457
Oh! Yeah!
487
00:19:41,458 --> 00:19:43,559
(indistinct speaking)
488
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,996
- Oh! Yeah! Oh!
- Ah!
489
00:19:46,997 --> 00:19:52,001
?
490
00:19:52,002 --> 00:19:54,637
I haven't felt genuinely
scared since I was a kid.
491
00:19:54,638 --> 00:19:56,038
We're two girls in the big city with
492
00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:58,174
a combined weight of 230 pounds.
493
00:19:58,175 --> 00:19:59,776
- You're being very kind.
- Hey!
494
00:19:59,777 --> 00:20:01,611
Life's gonna get scary sometimes.
495
00:20:01,612 --> 00:20:03,379
But when we thought a sex
killer was on the loose,
496
00:20:03,380 --> 00:20:04,881
we had each other's backs.
497
00:20:04,882 --> 00:20:06,983
Plus, now we have sports sticks.
498
00:20:06,984 --> 00:20:08,751
So, yeah, we could live in fear,
499
00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:10,353
but I'd prefer to live in hope.
500
00:20:10,354 --> 00:20:12,622
Maybe that's what Hsu was saying.
501
00:20:12,623 --> 00:20:13,823
Probably not.
502
00:20:13,824 --> 00:20:15,558
(thuds)
503
00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:22,565
?
504
00:20:22,566 --> 00:20:24,567
Ha!
505
00:20:24,568 --> 00:20:26,903
(sighs) That's the scariest
thing I've seen all day.
506
00:20:35,946 --> 00:20:37,914
There's a ghost in this painting.
507
00:20:37,915 --> 00:20:39,882
- I know.
- I hope she's not racist.
508
00:20:50,653 --> 00:20:53,012
We can control the smart
home monitoring system
509
00:20:53,013 --> 00:20:54,380
on our phones?
510
00:20:54,381 --> 00:20:56,081
Sorry, dude, I'm gonna
have to prank you.
511
00:20:56,082 --> 00:20:57,883
Makes me feel like
we're living in space,
512
00:20:57,884 --> 00:21:00,953
or the future, or space in the future.
513
00:21:00,954 --> 00:21:03,088
I wonder if we can program
it to play Michael Jacksons
514
00:21:03,089 --> 00:21:04,890
'Smooth Criminal' if
someone breaks in?
515
00:21:04,891 --> 00:21:06,191
Okay, it's a security system,
516
00:21:06,192 --> 00:21:08,427
not a DJ taking requests.
517
00:21:08,428 --> 00:21:10,262
You know, I still can't
shake the feeling that
518
00:21:10,263 --> 00:21:11,563
a stranger was in here.
519
00:21:11,564 --> 00:21:13,732
Me neither.
520
00:21:13,733 --> 00:21:15,701
Do you smell damp sandalwood?
521
00:21:17,893 --> 00:21:19,504
_
522
00:21:19,602 --> 00:21:29,744
?
523
00:21:51,994 --> 00:21:58,918
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
524
00:21:58,968 --> 00:22:03,518
Repair and Synchronization by
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