All language subtitles for Scream Queens s02e03 didates

- Previously on Scream Queens....
- HESTER: Does this killer wear

a mask with horns and leave
a trail of green slime?

You know who the killer is.

I also know that there's a connection

to the Halloween murders
that happened 30 years ago.

1986.

The entire hospital staff was
murdered on Halloween night.

- Are you guys boning?
- (GIGGLES)

I want you back.

Back off Chanel.

I'm the recipient of the world's
first complete hand transplant.

Dr. Brock Holt has the hand of one of the
world's most notorious serial killers.

Now you know my secret.

I love you so much, Chanel #5.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

Ladies... we have another
serial killer on our hands.

And the killer is... Number Five!

- What? Me?
- Yes. You.

I think poor, warty Tyler here

probably saw you naked and
gagged, and you were so enraged,

you decided he had to die.

What are you talking about?
I didn't kill him,

I was with you the whole time!

So? You were with us a
whole lot at Kappa House

when folks were getting
killed left and right.

And I'm still convinced
you were responsible

- for at least some of those murders.
- You guys.

There's a serial killer on
the loose, and Hester said

she had information
about who it might be.

I think we should give in
to her outrageous demands

for discontinued designer cosmetics
and get her moved to this hospital.

You idiot! She'll try to kill us!

Number Five is right.
Neckbrace is dangerous.

First, we need to do a little
detective work on our own,

and then we'll go to Hester.

(SIGHS) All right.

Let's get this body down
to the meat locker.

Last time we tried to hide a lot
of bodies in the meat locker,

like, every single one
of them got stolen.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- MUNSCH: What is going on in here?

CHANEL 5: Shouldn't
we call the police?

MUNSCH: Girls!

This place is called the C.U.R.E.
Institute.

Do you know what the
opposite of cure is? Death!

Now, if word gets out that
we have two dead patients,

at a hospital where the Chanels
just happen to be working,

that has the distinctive odor
of another serial killer

on the loose, and we cannot have that.

Because all my hard work
will be for naught,

they'll come in here and
close this place down,

- and I'll die!
- Wait, what?

(WHEELS SCREECH)

I?I just meant that I've
poured so much into this place

that if they ever closed
it, I would just die.

Now, come on. We have to
get Tyler into the swamp.

Come on!

CHANEL 5: Wait, what? We can't
just throw him in the swamp,

that's, like, destruction of evidence!

MUNSCH: We are not destroying anything.
Swamps preserve things.

She's right. Every week, we hear
another story about somebody

discovering a perfectly
preserved caveman in a swamp.

You're thinking of a bog.

Okay, fine. I'm glad you took a
class in comparative wetlands.

Maybe you could put in the same effort

into figuring out who the killer is!

It could be any of you.

That's why we have to
dispose of this body.

It will buy us time so I
can solve this internally.

I would just like to say my good?byes.

Oh, dear God.

Tyler... I loved you.

- Warts and all!
- (SQUISHES)

Oh, my God. Did you just
make his corpse barf?

On three. One,

two...

- ALL: Three!
- (GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

MUNSCH: All right. Let's get back
inside before anybody sees us.

And not a word about
this to anyone ever.

I love you, Tyler!

(SOBS) Gross.

Okay, we get it, Number Five.

Another one of your
boyfriends was murdered.

Get over it.

(PANTING)

(BUCKET CLATTERS)

(LAUGHS)

(WHOOPS)

Hot dog!

Anyone around?

Think my Jumping Frenchman
of Maine disorder is cured.

Hello?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh! Hi there. This some kind of test?

Fantastic. I honestly don't
feel any anxiety at all.

I mean, you look very scary,
I'm gonna give you that.

But no, all I feel is
just happy to be alive

and ready to take on the world.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Wow! This is incredible.

(CHUCKLING): I'm transformed...

(SCREAMS)

God! That hurts! Oh!

No, no, no... please, please, please...

(SCREAMS)

Oh, God!

- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -

(DOOR CREAKING)

(FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)

Hello, Chanels. Dean Munsch.

CHANEL: Hester, we come to you
today not as adversaries,

whom you had committed
to an insane asylum

after framing us for a series of
murders that you orchestrated,

but as fellow Chanels. (CHUCKLES)

What's with the old exercise video?

Sweatin' to the Oldies 2.

When you leave, they'll
turn the volume way up.

The warden does enjoy
her petty torments.

Someone is targeting the patients
at the C.U.R.E. Institute.

Two have been murdered, and a third...
is missing.

He's dead, isn't he?

(WHISPERING): Of course he's dead.

You know who the killer is, don't you?

I know who it is because it's obvious.

The clues are right
there in front of you,

but I'm not gonna answer
any more of your questions

until you give me what I want.

A transfer to your hospital,
and a room with a view.

- (SCOFFS)
- You see,

that transfer's never gonna happen.

You're never gonna leave this asylum.

But I did acquiesce to
one of your requests.

- (MUNSCH SLAMS PLEXIGLAS)
- There it is.

A Room with a View, 1985.
VHS version. Enjoy it.

Don't toy with me, sluts.

The longer you stall, the more
outrageous my demands will become.

Now, I insist. You finalize
the purchase in my name

of a timeshare in Cabo San
Lucas, where I will enjoy

six all?expense paid weekends
a year, no blackout dates!

- You're insane!
- The clock is ticking, Munsch!

The killings will only get
worse until I get what I want.

Body count is about to
go through the roof.

And from what I hear, this "Green Meanie"
will make the Red Devil look like...

a Girl Scout.

Please, Hester. He's murdered
Number Five's hideous boyfriend.

Please tell us who it is.

All good things come to those who wait.

- Oh, Hester, please!
- Hester, help us.

Somebody was killed at
the hospital yesterday,

and you're gonna tell
us who the killer is!

(GASPS)

The clues are right in
front of you, Chanel!

Oh... Your skin is
looking a little dry.

Maybe you should try some Esrun Cream.

(GASPS)

"Esrun Cream..."

(BEEPS)

- Oh, what is it?
- It's a text.

From Chad Radwell.

See, he's saying, "I
know who the killer is."

Which means, we didn't have to
come here in the first place.

I hope you rot in here forever.

Girls! Ride is leaving. Door!

Pretty damning evidence, is it not?

I?I don't understand...

All this is, is a file of the man who
was Dr. Brock's hand transplant.

Fact:

there's a serial killer
somewhere in this hospital.

Fact: he probably had something
to do with that dude

that looks like the Fruit
of the Looms grapes,

and my good buddy Randal
disappearing from said hospital

without being discharged or cured.

Fact: Dr. Hairline over here has the
hand of a deranged serial killer.

And finally, fact: we know
from every horror movie ever

about people getting the hand of a
serial killer put on their body...

that hand eventually takes over
and starts murdering folks.

(SCOFFS)

There is zero scientific evidence

of any transplant recipient exhibiting
behavior related to the donor.

Wait, wasn't your hand
doing all that crazy stuff

- at the movie theater?
- Yes, it was my hand,

but occasionally, it spasms and sort of

gives the appearance of,
uh, a life of its own.

But I swear to God, I would
never kill anyone with it.

Chanel.

You have no choice but
to reject this man

and that gay, murdering hand,
and start boning me again.

Chanel, before you say anything,
I just want you to know that I'm

the highest paid sperm
donor in the state.

Oh, my sperm?

- Are we talking about sperm?
- Yeah, we're talking about sperm.

Oh, that's great. We
having a sperm?off?

- (SCOFFS) No.
- Oh! Okay.

'Cause you know what? I would win,

because I banged both
women in this room.

With my sperm! Enough!

I don't choose you, Dr. Brock.

And I don't choose you either, Chad.

I choose me. Chanel Oberlin.

And I am not some little girl anymore

who can be easily seduced by
whichever man comes along

and has the most money,
or is the most rich.

I will date who I want to date.

Thank you.

Does anyone else find it odd that
people started getting attacked

and disappearing at the same
time Chad showed up? I mean,

if there's a killer amongst us...

- I say it's you, Chad.
- Yeah.

- (SCREAMING)
- Hey.

Listen. Chad is a moron.

I mean, he's probably

the dumbest person I ever met. And he's
definitely the worst lay I ever had,

but that being said,
he does have a point.

This hospital must stay open.

The work being done here must continue.

It's very personal to me.

We can allow nothing to deter
patients from coming here,

including risking them being scared off

by the possibility...
however remote it may be...

that we have a chief surgeon

whose hand takes over his body
and starts killing people.

You're not gonna fire me, are you?

No! You're a brilliant surgeon,
and very easy on the eyes,

but I think we're gonna have to
do something about that hand.

Outstanding. I will go get my axe.

No, we're not chopping off
his hand in the O. R.

We are gonna look for a new donor.

Preferably someone who hasn't been
arrested for multiple murders.

It is that...

or I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to let you go.

Oh! Ooh, yes! Yes! Aah!

Mm!

(MOANING)

Aah!

(EXHALES)

By my count, that was the fourth orgasm
you've had since you've been in here.

And my 27th of the day.

And it's 9:00 a.m. I'm sorry. I
just have to know your secret.

I am in Hell. That's my secret.

Two months ago,

I was in the middle of
teaching my yoga class,

and as I was coming out
of sirsa padasana,

I had this, like, spontaneous orgasm.

And I thought it was funny at first.

And then I had another
one a few minutes later.

And then I had another
one in the locker room.

And then another one in the car
on the ride ho... oh! Whoa!

Mm! Oh, God!

It won't stop. It's destroying my life.

My husband left me, because
he immediately realized

that all my orgasms with him were fake.

I am begging you. Please make it stop.

I'll do anything. Remove
my vagina, I don't care.

Wait, can you actually do that?
How do you remove negative space?

I don't know, but that,
that won't be necessary.

Um, you see, you have what's called

"Persistent Genital Arousal
Disorder" or PGAD.

Have you gone through menopause or
had hormonal treatments recently?

They're known to be the cause.

No, nothing like that, um...

I?I don't do drugs or drink

- or anything.
- Okay.

It's very hard to determine
what causes the disorder.

But it doesn't really matter
in terms of treatment.

Our first step will be to treat you
to a heroic dose of antidepressants.

Like what SeaWorld gives only
their most suicidal orcas.

Okay.

All right, well, thank you, Doctor.
I'll do anything.

Oh, so... Oh, God!

(LOUD MOANING)

CHANEL #3: Who was
operating in here anyway?

A Chad Radwell guy was butchering
cadavers for some reason.

He said he was practicing for surgery,

but mainly he was just chopping off
hands and saying the F?word a lot.

Hey, you, um... you seemed to
be bummed out by that consult.

There's something I
need to confide in you.

A secret no one knows.

I've never had an orgasm.

Oh, wow.

I didn't even know what
they were until recently.

I thought they were just
moans you did to let

the other person know
to roll off of you,

like an "I'm ready for
you to stop" alarm.

That's terrible.

Orgasms are pretty much the only thing
everyone in the world agrees are great.

(CHUCKLES): Well... until
Hamilton came along.

(CHUCKLES) It's so original, right?

Oh, it reinvented theater.

I mean, a rap musical about
the founding founders?

Changed the world.

And you know what's
really telling about me?

I didn't even like it that much.

This is all part of a larger
problem I have in my life.

I am alive, but... I'm not living.

If it was possible for
me to feel anything,

I would totally be sobbing right now.

I understand.

Better than you know, actually.

I have a secret of my own, as well.

Something I never share with anyone.

But since you opened up for me,
I want to do the same for you.

I'm dead.

You mean like "in trouble"?

No, like... dead, like, actually dead.

I don't understand.

(SIGHS)

It was my junior year in high school.

My lacrosse buddies threw
a rad?as?hell kegger

and I got ham?dogged.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My buddies warned me not
to pass out on my back,

or I would choke on my puke
like Jimi Hendrix and die.

The next morning I woke up on my back,

covered in puke, and I
realized I did die.

And now I'm cursed to walk
the earth for all eternity.

Like a Highlander.

Hold up, there was sort of
a big leap in logic there.

Are you sure you didn't just
choke on your puke and die?

Yeah, everything was different.

I started to notice that dogs
didn't bark at me anymore.

Wait, so if you're dead,

- how are you breathing?
- I don't know.

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

That's actually why I
decided to become a doctor.

I needed to know if modern
medicine had an answer.

So far, it's just turned
up more questions.

I have no clue. Maybe it's a Night
of the Living Dead scenario?

Some sort of zombie sitch or

maybe there's, like, a task
that I have to accomplish,

before the universe allows
me to die a natural death

and my immortal soul is
allowed to finally rest.

And after what you just told me,

I'm starting to think maybe that task
is to help you feel alive again.

That's very noble and romantic,
but I've seen so much

death and tragedy and had
so much loss in my life,

that it's like I'm encased in steel.

Chanel #3, I'm a doctor. Bringing
people back to life is what I do.

I may be dead... but you are not.

Please give me the chance
to help you see that.

Wow. Your lips are super cold.

I told you. I'm dead.

- (THUNDER CRASHES)
- CHANEL 5: C, A,

B, I,

T, Y?? "Cabity."

Triple word score.

"Cabity" is not a word.

Yes, it is.

It's what happens when you
forget to brush your teeth.

ZAYDAY: All right, fine.

Still beating you by 350 points.

Why are you guys playing
Scrabble right now?

I got it off of Chamberlain's cart.

Scrabble helps me think and
it's good for the brain.

We have a mystery to solve.

I just don't understand why she
said I need to use Esrun cream.

I mean, my skin is amazing.

I moisturize three times a day

with this really shady stuff
I have to order from China,

which I've heard is
either A panda sperm,

or B stem cells of political prisoners.

I mean, I don't know. I
don't ask questions,

because I'm really pleased
with the results!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

That's it!

(WHISTLING)

CHAD: Oh, hi there.

What are you doing here?

Just airing out my scroat, brah.

What?

Don't worry about it. I said
I'm airing out my scroat.

And I brought you your
list of handidates.

- My what?
- Your prospective list of hand donors.

They're all in need of fast cash.

And I'm pretty sure none of
them are serial killers.

Janusz Brozowsky, 41, janitor.

He's ambidextrous.

Said he can still rock a mop
with just a left hand and a nub.

Fred Barnsdall,

a 66?year?old accordion player.
Great guy.

There's Danny Rodriguez,
assistant manager at Subway.

He said the job's so boring he's just

thinking about cutting
his hand off anyway.

Get out.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Also, I'm gonna be
performing the surgery.

No. (CHUCKLES)

There's no way you're
performing the surgery.

There's yes way I'm
performing the surgery,

Because A Dean Munsch loves me,
B this is a teaching hospital,

C I've been practicing
on a lot of cadavers,

and D did you notice that our
wangers are about the same size?

(GROANS) Now, remind me
again why we're here.

"Esrun" backwards is "nurse."

When I googled it, this came up.

An article in Central
Florida Realtor Monthly

from about five years ago.
You know, we could've gone

over all of this if you had just
flown with us on the plane.

Yes, well, I don't fly
commercial, just private.

All right, "The house that Esrun built.

"How nurse Lynn Johnstone turned

"homemade hand cream
into the crown jewel

of Florida real estate," hmm.

So, there's a big mansion in
the middle of the Everglades.

I still don't get what this has
to do with the Green Meanie.

None of us do, you idiot.

But, obviously, Hester
wants us to find out.

This is some good
sleuthing, Zayday Williams.

(SCOFFS) Too good.

Could you just stop? It's
obvious I'm not the killer.

(KNOCKING)

Hello.

We're looking for a Lynn Johnstone.
Is she here?

Excuse me, I'm Lynn Johnstone.

- Mm?
- You know,

eight percent of nurses are male
and Lynn is a noble Celtic name.

It means "pool or "lake."

All right, Pretty in Pink. Don't
get your panties in a bunch.

You mind if we come inside?

It's as hot as fish grease out here.

And Special Agent Hemphill is
getting a little damp in the crack.

Welcome to the House of Esrun.

Watch your step. There's
moisturizer everywhere.

This is my in?home studio where I film
all the Esrun cream infomercials.

We are in 150 different countries

and last year we grossed
over $350 million.

Yes, well, that's all very interesting,

but we're here about Our Lady of
Perpetual Suffering Hospital.

DENISE: Your name came
up as a possible link

to some recent incidents
that transpired.

I used to work there.

- I was there the night it happened.
- The night what happened?

An entire floor of patients
and staff were euthanized.

- Say what now?!
- I was in the bathroom.

Because I had to make
a big ol' number two.

(ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN'S
"THE KILLING MOON" PLAYING)

I was in that bathroom for a while.

See, I had just started
taking psyllium husks.

And those things scrub
you like a brush.

So I was doing some
(SING?SONGY): vocalizations

to sort of work through the discomfort.

(GROANING VOCALIZATIONS)

And that explains why I
didn't hear anything.

(SCREAMING)

I talked to one reporter, but the
hospital board paid me $5 million

in hush money and made me sign
a nondisclosure agreement.

I put all of that money
into Esrun cream!

Which is actually just Jergens.

I put it in different bottles and put

a sticker on it that says,
"approved by nurses"

and charge three, four times the price.

So, wait, you never got a
glimpse of the murderer?

I didn't have to. I know who did it.

In October of 1986, I'd only been
at the hospital for a few months,

but I became best friends
with Nurse Thomas,

who'd been there for years.

And one night before she and
everyone else were killed,

she was freaking out because
Halloween was coming up,

and it reminded her of the year before.

When a pregnant lady and her
husband came into the ER,

and the doctors let her husband die
and threw his body in the swamp.

And a few weeks later, Nurse Thomas,
along with everyone else, was dead.

I knew there had to be

a connection between that
Halloween and the year before.

But I tried my best to
just forget about it.

But then a few weeks ago...
the phone calls started.

(RINGS)

Esrun, approved by
nurses, Lynn speaking.

(DEEP DISTORTED VOICE): I
will come from the swamp,

where you threw all of the bodies.

What? Who is this?

You have blood on your hands.

I am a proud male nurse.
This is harassment!

I'm going to kill again. (LAUGHING)

They were trying to hide it, but I
knew that it was a woman's voice.

My first thought was, "Oh, my
God, it's that pregnant woman."

Or the baby of the pregnant woman.

That occurred to me, too.

CHANEL 5: Or maybe the swamp

is filled with feminizing
chemical agents

and they thought that it was
the guy that they drowned,

but he came back as an androgynous
swamp monster bent on revenge.

MUNSCH: Yeah, I think
that's less likely.

- Thank you very much, Nurse.
- We'll be in touch. Ladies!

We need these for evidence.

MUNSCH: Well, I don't know why
you girls are so exhausted.

My flight was divine.

We had to fly Southwest. We had
a three?hour layover in Islip.

MUNSCH: Yes.

But the trip proved helpful, because
we now have a definitive link

between the murders in 1986 and what's
been happening at the hospital.

Hold on. This still
don't make sense to me.

If the killer wanted to avenge
the death of the patient

that those nurses and doctors
threw into the swamp,

why he start killing now? Hmm?
He already got his revenge.

Those nurses and doctors already dead.

That's right.

That Wolfgirl, Randal, Tyler,
they were all patients.

Why would the killer
want to go after them?

Well, it makes perfect sense to me.

The killer wants revenge
on my hospital.

And the best way to do that
is start killing patients.

Now, we already know who the killer is.

It's someone at this hospital.

Someone who's over six feet tall,

which means he's probably male,
which rules out that mother.

But the baby she was pregnant with,
that little boy, was born in 1986.

That makes him...

around 30.

So, it could be Cassidy.

Or Chad Radwell.

Chad's our age!

Nuh?uh.

Chad told me when he was
in the second grade,

he got held back for
eight consecutive years.

His ass is 30.

- Or... it could be Chamberlain.
- Chamberlain?

I mean, I guess it could be. I
just never would have suspected.

I have to go!

CHAD: Hmm. Janusz.

I need you to put your
hand on the cutting board

so I can saw your hand off.

It's a good looking hand.

It's gonna sting a little bit.

This is not how you perform a surgery.

You might want to se...

You might want to sedate
the patient first.

Look, I know this is
a teaching hospital,

and I have no problem with Dean Munsch

letting you saw the
handidate's hand off.

In fact, I'm such a good surgeon,

no matter how bad you botch this up,
I'll be able to fix it with one hand.

Okay. You want to know
what no one likes?

A back seat hand surgeon.

And because you interrupted
my doctor flow,

I'm not gonna sedate either one of you.

(WHIRRING)

Stop the procedure!

We don't have to do the transplant.
I know you're not the killer.

Somebody's killing a bunch
of folks in this hospital,

he's got the hand of a serial killer.

No, no. No. The killer is around age 30.
Dr. Holt is much older.

But you're not.

You are now my prime suspect.

Thank you, Dean Munsch.

Now, I can get back to doing
what I love: saving lives.

And winning the hearts of
nubile young medical students.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, you think this is
the end of the movie.

It's not.

This is the first part.

Where the bad guy beats the good guy and
then the good guy trains in a montage,

comes back, beats the bad guy,
freeze?frame into a kiss with the girl,

as my old and ethnic mentor looks on!

Listen, Howdy Doody,
you're younger than I am,

you're richer than I am, but let
me guarantee you one thing.

The next body I touch with these hands,
which I'm keeping, will be Chanel's.

And I'm gonna get in my car

and I'm gonna drive to Tiffany's.

I'm gonna hand the clerk my wallet
and buy an engagement ring.

I'm gonna slip it on her
finger and marry her.

I'm Chad Radwell. And I always win.

No matter what.

I don't think you know who I am.

Or what I'm capable of, Chad.

The things I've done, the
things I'm willing to do.

If you're smart, you
will get in your car

and you will not come back.

CASSIDY: I don't understand.

There's no history of this kind of
psychosis in her life or family.

No, no!

I got all type of?? oh!

Wait, I know what this is.

This is what Chanel #5 is like
when she takes an overdose

on her anti?depressants.

One time, she got in a huge fight

with our couch, and we
took her to the doctor,

and he said it was something
called Emotional Lability.

Maybe because Mrs. Baumgartner
doesn't need the anti?depressants,

they're screwing with her brain
chemistry and making her act all nutty.

Oh, God! Help me, please!

CHAMBERLAIN: No! (YELLING)

Why do I have to do the poses?

Can't you do them and let
me play the doctor part?

Well, I'm not playing doctor.
I... am a doctor.

Which means I'm the one who has
a rigorously tested knowledge

of anatomy. So, I have to
be the one to examine you,

while you get into the same position
Sheila was in when her condition started.

Can I just say, for the record,
before we begin, that yoga is

just stretching for douchebags.

Noted.

Okay, so Sheila said when she
first started being symptomatic,

she was in a pose called
"Sirsa Padasana."

I can't do that.

It's okay. Don't worry. I'll help you.

(BREATHING SHALLOWLY)

Okay, perfect.

Great, now are you feeling
pressure anywhere in particular?

There's an overall feeling

like I'm gonna snap in half,
but if I really focus,

I can feel some strain
in my lower back,

kind of running through my pelvis.

And my butt entrance feels tingly, but...
that's not unusual.

CASSIDY: Um...

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Chanel 3, I'm gonna twist your hips

just slightly, okay?

So don't be alarmed.

- (CRACKING)
- (YELPS)

What was that? It felt
like you touched my hooha.

Wh?What happened is, um, your
sacrospinous ligament runs

from the outer edge of your sacrum,
to the spine of your ischium.

And your pudendal nerves
run right beneath that.

So, if there's any irritation to
it, it would cause inflammation,

which would press against
the pudendal nerve,

and cause it to fire uncontrollably.

So, Sheila Baumgartner hurt her thing

while doing yoga and that
irritated her other thing, and...

that thing is what's making
her pop off all the time?

Yeah. Exactly.

So all I need to do is...
block off her pudendal nerve

with a simple surgery and she's cured.

Chad!

- Chanel!
- Chad!

What is going on?

What do you mean?

Why does something have to be going on?

Can't I just ask you to, you
know, meet me in the park

and walk and talk some things over?

No, Chad. You can't,
because it's super weird

and it seems like you
want to murder me.

I mean, I actually brought

- a stun gun!
- Wha??

When was the last time you wanted
to, A go for a walk with me,

or B have an actual conversation?

Let's walk and talk.

- (SIGHS)
- (EXHALES)

Look, I've been doing
some soul searching.

I don't know why.

Maybe because another one
of my friends is missing

and presumably murdered.

(EXHALES) Or because

there's a hot surgeon with a murdering
hand obviously trying to get in that box!

Anyway...

I've been thinking.

About you.

- (CHUCKLES)
- And me.

Us.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SINGER VOCALIZING)
- Chanel,

I'm in love with you.

What?

(GASPS) Wha...

Even when I told all those
other chicks I was banging

how awesome it was that
they didn't have wangs,

and I was in love with them,
really, I was in love with you.

Really?

Love, it's a funny thing. Isn't it?

(SIGHS)

- Chanel Oberlin, will you...
- Oh, my God.

Pedro?

Oh, my God, is this really happening?

Get your lawyers to
look over this prenup.

Are you asking me to marry you?!

Oh, not really.

I'll consider asking you to marry
me, um, if you sign the prenup.

Uh, you're gonna want a
whole legal team to,

kind of, look over this.
There's a lot of stipulations

and some pretty specific riders.

Chad! I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

(MARIACHI MUSIC CONTINUES)

Quiero ser el hombre

Que controla tu vida entera

Quiero ser el hombre

que controla tu vida entera

(MUSIC FADES)

(FAINTLY):
Quiero ser el hombre

Once the epidural kicked
in, the orgasms stopped.

Can't you just numb me from
the waist down forever?

That won't be necessary.

I just relieved compression
on your pudendal nerve,

so you should return
to normal functioning.

(SIGHS)

What will you do with
your newfound freedom?

I am gonna go to the movies, and I'm not
gonna worry about getting kicked out

because I'm too loud.

And then, I'm gonna teach a yoga class

till the very end.

I am gonna enjoy all of life's
pleasures that have been denied me...

since all this began.

And we... are finished.

Time to start enjoying life again.

Early in the morning

When I'm standing at attention

I'm missing your attention

And the smell of your lovin'

All on me

Put it in perspective

I've given up the quest now

- I can't wait to
come home

Keepin' on the first thing smokin'

Baby I ain't drinkin'

Oh yeah
Out here on my own

Out here on the road...

You okay?

I think it's the music, baby.
I get distracted by R&B.

You see, it stands for
Rhythm and Blues,

but it's the least
bluesy style of music

and its rhythm is hardly what's
most remarkable about it.

Yeah, that makes sense. Okay.

(UPBEAT OLD SCHOOL HIP?HOP PLAYS)

I can't do New Jack Swing.

See, it reminds me of
this film, New Jack City,

and then my mind immediately
goes to Wesley Snipes

and all his trouble with the IRS.

(SIGHS) It's just so sad.

Very sad.

Okay.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Chanel 3, I'm in love with you.

You'll always be safe with me.

Now, it's time for you

to feel the power... and the glory...

of the female orgasm.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong.

Maybe you're just... not into me.

No... I'm very attracted to you.

It's just that every time we
touch, you're, like, freezing.

It feels like I'm hugging a snowman.

Right, but, we dis...
we discussed this.

I'm dead. I...

Hot blood doesn't run through
my veins like it does yours.

You want proof?

(SIGHS)

(THERMOMETER BEEPS)

61 degrees.

Oh, my God. You are dead.

(INDISTINCT VOICE OVER P. A.)

- Where is he?
- Who?

The patient! You had me paged.
They said it was an emergency.

There is. I need to talk to you.

Also, uh, I need help tying
this old?fashioned bow tie

for my wedding tomorrow.

I mean, I figured a guy like you,

who was around during the Civil War

would probably know how to do it.

Okay, I have a dilemma. All
my best buds are dead.

Okay? My frat bros, then Randall
I got no one to be my best man.

You don't have brothers?

Yeah, but I figure they're
probably busy and

also kind of want to save
'em to be my best man

for the second wedding.

You know, that's the one that
usually sticks, you know?

Anyway, I was kind of
hoping you'd do it.

I hate you.

But you love Chanel!

Look, the best man's
most important job is

to make sure the groom
doesn't freak out

and leave his bride at the altar.

- You get what I'm saying here?
- Mm?hmm.

You have cold feet.

(SIGHS) Look, you're gonna get this

because, obviously, we're
both really handsome.

Girls really want to bone me, okay?

When I die, I've left instructions

to grind me up into a fine powder to
be given out to underprivileged dudes

who have trouble getting laid.

Because I'm convinced if
they rub my essence on 'em,

they're pretty much
guaranteed to get ass.

Look, I'm not cut out
for monogamy, okay?

This is not what I do.

I mean, in a couple days,
once I bone a girl

at a stop light, or at an IHOP,

or public park, I'll be
cheating on my wife.

I don't know if I want to be that guy.

Then don't get married.

What? It's a little late for that.

Getting left at the altar works in Julia
Roberts movies or on Grey's Anatomy,

but in real life, that ruins you.
I don't want to hurt Chanel.

Isn't that weird? I just
want her to be happy.

I want her to have a great wedding day.

I don't want my worries
about my future studliness

to get in the way of her special day.

Whatever happens down the road,
I want this day to be for her.

Maybe I almost love her, you know?

You're tying the bow tie
a little tight, bro.

It needs to be tight.

Hold on.

Okay... I'll be your best man.

- Hookers to celebrate?
- Let's not.

Oh, and you should know, when you
guys break up in six months,

I'm gonna be there to comfort Chanel
by having a lot of sex with her.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's a 29?carat internally flawless

fancy?vivid diamond in the
extremely rare "whore cut."

Which is the preferred cut for
mistresses of Russian billionaires.

Wow! That is one huge diamond.

I know, right? It's so heavy,

it comes with its own
chiropractor on call,

has a built?in LoJack system,
and is its own Wi?Fi hot spot.

Ladies, there's something
important I need to ask you.

It may be the most emotional
decision a bride?to?be has to make.

Chanel #3, would you be
one of my bridesmaids?

Of course I would, Chanel.

Zayday, would you also consider
being one of my bridesmaids?

Chanel, I'm so touched. I
would love nothing more.

(GIGGLES)

Chanel 5, would you do me the
honor, of being my ring bearer?

Wait.

- Don't I get to be a bridesmaid, too?
- What?

No! News flash, Number Five,
we're not that close!

It's ring bearer or nothing!

And just FYI, you're gonna
have to dress up like a dog

and walk down the aisle on all fours with
the ring sitting on a cute little pillow

that is strapped to your
back like a tiny saddle.

Because having a dog be the ring bearer

is so hot in wedding trends right now.
Oh, and also,

- the wedding is tomorrow.
- What? - What?

Don't you need to,
like, plan a wedding?

Uh, yeah, I did, this afternoon.
Chad's super rich.

I just did a rush order on everything.

Plus I need to strike
while the iron is hot.

If I wait too long, Chad
might change his mind.

Or forget.

I'm getting married!

And this is your official C. U.
R. E. discharge balloon.

This balloon means you've
officially been cured.

Oh, that is so sweet!

Now, does everybody who
gets cured here get one?

They will. You're the first patient

that's been able to get
cured and survive.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

Well, I guarantee you this.

I won't be the last, because
I've already called

the local news, and told them the story

of my amazing care I received here.

I plan on putting both of you guys,
this whole hospital, on the map.

Hello! (CHUCKLES)

(METALLIC SCRAPE)

(SLOW SCREAM)

(SCREAMS ECHOING)

Aah! All right, Green Meanie...

whoever you are... let's go, bitch.

Zayday!

Oh, Chamberlain, you're gonna
need a hell of a lot of stitches.

It's gonna be okay.

I don't understand. Why didn't
he or she come after you?

Denise, Zayday.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

We're here to welcome you to the
basement of the C.U.R.E. Institute.

You know, I have to say
I am just delighted.

But I have to ask, why
the change of heart?

Well, your Esrun lead
turned out to be legit.

So I pulled a few strings at Quantico

and had you transferred here, on
the condition that you cooperate

with our investigation.

Another patient in this
hospital was murdered.

The Green Meanie chopped
the orgasm lady's head off

right before my very eyes.

Mm?hmm. And tried to kill that
little chunky black orderly.

But he refused to kill me. And
I'd like to find out why.

Probably 'cause y'all working together.

Would you stop it!

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Stop laughing like that! It's creepy!

(LAUGHING)

Damn it, you homely bitch,

you tell us who the Green Meanie
is before he kills again.

It's too late.

(LAUGHING)

- It's time
Time

To leave the world behind
Leave the world...

Save it for another time

'Cause I don't remember where I am

When you love me, love me

- Baby love
You are my

Baby love
- Just call it

- Baby love
- You are my

Baby love.

(BELL TOLLING)

(YAWNS)

Isn't the groom supposed to
walk down the aisle first?

Chad asked me to come first. He
said I should get used to it.

(SPUTTERS)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

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