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1
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(Birds chirp)
2
00:00:01,990 --> 00:00:03,458
(Doorbell rings)
3
00:00:03,492 --> 00:00:05,360
(Footsteps echo)
4
00:00:07,963 --> 00:00:10,398
(Doorbell rings)
5
00:00:13,436 --> 00:00:16,737
(Footstep clomp)
6
00:00:16,772 --> 00:00:19,306
(Doorbell rings twice, quickly)
7
00:00:19,340 --> 00:00:21,909
(Doors creaks open)
8
00:00:21,944 --> 00:00:24,745
- Immigration?
- Revenue agent: Revenue.
9
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:28,950
Missus Rose! There are people
here from the government!
10
00:00:28,984 --> 00:00:31,285
(Rushed footsteps thud)
11
00:00:33,455 --> 00:00:35,622
(Moira screams shrilly)
12
00:00:35,656 --> 00:00:38,358
I've been gutted!
13
00:00:38,393 --> 00:00:40,360
John, I've been stripped
of every morsel of pleasure
14
00:00:40,395 --> 00:00:43,097
I earned in this life!
15
00:00:43,131 --> 00:00:44,431
Johnny: Well, how do
you think I feel, Moira?!
16
00:00:44,466 --> 00:00:46,967
Eli was family, for God's sake!
17
00:00:47,001 --> 00:00:50,269
Leave your finances to me,
he said! Son of a bitch!
18
00:00:50,304 --> 00:00:51,537
Alexis: Baby, it's crazy,
people are just like,
19
00:00:51,572 --> 00:00:53,974
taking our stuff!
20
00:00:54,008 --> 00:00:56,643
I said, they're taking our stuff!
21
00:00:56,677 --> 00:00:59,079
Can you just step out of
the club for a second, ple...
22
00:00:59,113 --> 00:01:01,314
Hold on, hold on! Those
bags are not for you,
23
00:01:01,348 --> 00:01:02,882
my boyfriend bought those for me,
24
00:01:02,917 --> 00:01:04,918
so, theoretically, they are his!
25
00:01:04,952 --> 00:01:07,186
Revenue agent 1: Please
sir, can you step aside?
26
00:01:07,221 --> 00:01:10,123
David: No, you step aside! You step aside!
27
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,524
I'm still trying to wrap my mind around
28
00:01:11,558 --> 00:01:13,459
what kind of a sick
person wants to get paid
29
00:01:13,494 --> 00:01:15,628
to destroy another person's life!
30
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Destroy another person's life!
31
00:01:19,032 --> 00:01:20,433
Where are you taking that?!
32
00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:23,168
My very soul has been kidnapped,
33
00:01:23,202 --> 00:01:26,138
there's no ransom, no
one's coming to save me!
34
00:01:26,172 --> 00:01:27,740
Johnny: We've got 15 minutes
to collect our personals,
35
00:01:27,774 --> 00:01:30,375
- can we pick up the pace?!
- Moira: No, no!
36
00:01:30,409 --> 00:01:32,577
Did you put Kristen with Robin?
They don't like each other!
37
00:01:32,612 --> 00:01:36,381
Nooooo! Nooooo! (Sobbing)
38
00:01:36,415 --> 00:01:38,216
Lawyer: Eli really did a number, Johnny.
39
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:40,519
He took everything.
40
00:01:40,553 --> 00:01:42,854
They're still looking for him,
they think he's in the Caymans.
41
00:01:42,888 --> 00:01:44,889
He was our business manager,
he's supposed to pay taxes!
42
00:01:44,923 --> 00:01:47,159
Hmm.
43
00:01:47,193 --> 00:01:49,727
There is a very small
amount set aside for you,
44
00:01:49,762 --> 00:01:52,197
and one asset the government
has allowed you to retain.
45
00:01:52,231 --> 00:01:54,999
The kids.
46
00:01:55,034 --> 00:01:59,403
Lawyer: The children are dependents, Moira.
47
00:01:59,437 --> 00:02:03,340
You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.
48
00:02:03,375 --> 00:02:06,510
Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.
49
00:02:06,545 --> 00:02:09,580
Wait, you actually purchased that town?
50
00:02:09,614 --> 00:02:13,217
Yes, I purchased the town,
how else could I get the deed?
51
00:02:13,251 --> 00:02:15,952
- Alexis: You could've photo shopped the deed!
- David: And saved the money!
52
00:02:15,987 --> 00:02:18,556
Why would I Photoshop a deed,
the joke was owning the town!
53
00:02:18,590 --> 00:02:19,890
- Moira: Okay, stop.
- Johnny: That was the joke!
54
00:02:19,924 --> 00:02:21,058
- David: Oh my God!
- Johnny: Well, that was the joke!
55
00:02:21,092 --> 00:02:23,427
Lawyer: To Johnny's credit...
56
00:02:23,461 --> 00:02:26,930
This town just might be your
saving grace, at least for a while.
57
00:02:26,964 --> 00:02:28,432
Moira: What do you mean?
58
00:02:28,466 --> 00:02:29,733
You can live there for next to nothing,
59
00:02:29,767 --> 00:02:31,501
until you get back on your feet.
60
00:02:31,535 --> 00:02:33,436
I'm sure there's a
penthouse we can move into,
61
00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:35,906
please, there are other options.
62
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:37,841
Well, homelessness is still on the table.
63
00:02:42,513 --> 00:02:51,987
64
00:02:52,022 --> 00:02:55,491
Alexis: The whole time I was
surrounded by old women wearing visors,
65
00:02:55,526 --> 00:02:58,328
who smelled like yams!
66
00:02:58,362 --> 00:03:00,830
There was nowhere to lie down!
67
00:03:00,864 --> 00:03:02,531
There was nowhere to lie
down, there was no bed!
68
00:03:02,565 --> 00:03:04,266
There was no kitchen.
69
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,335
I know!
70
00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:09,038
No.
71
00:03:09,072 --> 00:03:10,305
I don't know what to
tell you, there's like,
72
00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:13,142
cows all over the place, like, everywhere.
73
00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:15,310
I don't know if there's even a station,
74
00:03:15,345 --> 00:03:17,246
I don't know what's happening!
75
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,283
(Clears throat) Johnny Rose!
76
00:03:21,317 --> 00:03:23,552
Roland Schitt.
77
00:03:23,586 --> 00:03:25,487
Oh, you're the mayor
we're supposed to meet.
78
00:03:25,521 --> 00:03:27,589
That's right, I'm the mayor,
79
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,458
so if you're looking for
an ass to kiss, it's mine!
80
00:03:29,492 --> 00:03:32,261
(Chortles)
81
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,730
Oh, this is my family, my son...
82
00:03:35,765 --> 00:03:37,065
Let's get you all squared away
in the office there, Johnny,
83
00:03:37,099 --> 00:03:39,134
okay, the gals can grab the bags,
84
00:03:39,168 --> 00:03:40,468
you follow me, all right, right this way,
85
00:03:40,502 --> 00:03:42,837
watch it, honey, here we come.
86
00:03:42,872 --> 00:03:44,639
Alexis: The "Cheaters" marathon
we watched, it's like that.
87
00:03:44,673 --> 00:03:46,574
Moira: Children, keep an eye on these bags.
88
00:03:46,608 --> 00:03:50,478
Apparently in hell, there's no bellman!
89
00:03:50,512 --> 00:03:52,813
- Alexis: David, what are we...
- David: Shut up!
90
00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:54,548
- Alexis: You shut up!
- David: You shut up!
91
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:59,287
- Alexis: Um, you shut up!
- David: You shhhut up!
92
00:03:59,321 --> 00:04:01,422
The name is Rose.
93
00:04:01,456 --> 00:04:04,258
I don't see a reservation under that name.
94
00:04:04,293 --> 00:04:06,727
It's okay, Stevie, I set
aside two rooms for them.
95
00:04:06,762 --> 00:04:08,762
Well, there's nothing here.
96
00:04:08,797 --> 00:04:10,563
Well okay, fine, just
book 'em in with two rooms,
97
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,866
these people own the
town; They're big deals.
98
00:04:12,901 --> 00:04:14,734
We'll need three rooms, minimum.
99
00:04:14,769 --> 00:04:17,037
Roland: Ooh, no can do, honey.
100
00:04:17,071 --> 00:04:19,739
Look, we have a one room comp policy here,
101
00:04:19,774 --> 00:04:22,876
and I am personally throwing in an
extra room out of sheer decency, so...
102
00:04:22,911 --> 00:04:24,944
What about suites? Do you
have a couple of suites?
103
00:04:24,978 --> 00:04:26,279
This guy!
104
00:04:26,314 --> 00:04:27,980
Um...
105
00:04:28,015 --> 00:04:31,584
No, this is a motel,
106
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:35,087
so we cater more to off road
truckers and drunk teenagers.
107
00:04:35,122 --> 00:04:38,157
Moira: Please, someone just
give me a key, to a door,
108
00:04:38,192 --> 00:04:41,593
to a room any room! I just want a bathtub,
109
00:04:41,628 --> 00:04:44,763
and a long extension cord, please.
110
00:04:44,798 --> 00:04:46,966
Roland: There you go, ma'am.
111
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,368
(Suitcases and boxes thud)
112
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It smells like a gym bag.
113
00:04:54,041 --> 00:04:56,408
Moira: Does anyone else feel light headed?
114
00:04:56,443 --> 00:05:00,011
Roland: Oh my God, this
takes me back to high school.
115
00:05:00,046 --> 00:05:03,515
You know, I did the deed in just
about every room in this place.
116
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:05,984
Yep, if a forensic team came in here
117
00:05:06,018 --> 00:05:08,220
with one of those blue lights,
this place would just light up!
118
00:05:08,254 --> 00:05:10,456
Okay, that's good.
119
00:05:10,490 --> 00:05:12,257
- Alexis: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
- David: Oh my God. Oh my God!
120
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:14,659
Oh hey, chief, the other
room's right through there.
121
00:05:14,693 --> 00:05:16,261
- (Keys jingle)
- Here you go.
122
00:05:16,295 --> 00:05:19,530
(Relaxed grunt)
123
00:05:19,565 --> 00:05:21,566
Moira: And there's the bed,
124
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:25,837
I should probably pull off
that cover, and... burn it.
125
00:05:25,872 --> 00:05:28,340
Roland: All right.
126
00:05:28,374 --> 00:05:32,543
Good, Roland, thank you very
much, appreciate everything, uh...
127
00:05:32,578 --> 00:05:33,578
T.V. announcer: ... Have a
ball in the land down under!
128
00:05:33,612 --> 00:05:35,145
Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?
129
00:05:35,180 --> 00:05:37,882
- Okay.
- (Changing channels)
130
00:05:37,916 --> 00:05:40,718
Alexis: Okay.
131
00:05:40,753 --> 00:05:44,255
- Okay.
- David: Oof!
132
00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:46,391
Alexis: Okay, okay. (Giggles)
133
00:05:46,425 --> 00:05:48,692
Okay, okay, okay.
134
00:05:48,726 --> 00:05:52,462
Okay. Okay.
135
00:05:52,497 --> 00:05:54,965
Okay. Okay!
136
00:05:58,736 --> 00:06:02,172
Okay. Okay. I love you!
137
00:06:02,207 --> 00:06:06,676
Oh, okay, well, it looks
like you got all the channels
138
00:06:06,711 --> 00:06:09,613
except for Channel 19 for
some reason. I don't know why.
139
00:06:09,647 --> 00:06:11,548
Well, the thing is we won't be
watching a lot of television,
140
00:06:11,582 --> 00:06:14,284
but again, thank you,
141
00:06:14,318 --> 00:06:16,820
I don't want to keep you,
I know you're a busy man.
142
00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,321
(Static hisses)
143
00:06:23,093 --> 00:06:25,328
(Gasps)
144
00:06:27,398 --> 00:06:30,099
(Muffled retch)
145
00:06:30,134 --> 00:06:32,936
Whoa!
146
00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,304
(Door creaks)
147
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:37,973
Hi.
148
00:06:38,007 --> 00:06:40,108
Can I help you?
149
00:06:40,143 --> 00:06:41,710
- David: I'm looking for an extra towel,
- Stevie: Okay...
150
00:06:41,745 --> 00:06:43,412
And this might be a stupid question,
151
00:06:43,447 --> 00:06:45,448
considering the state
of the rugs in our room,
152
00:06:45,482 --> 00:06:49,919
but do you have a business centre here?
153
00:06:49,953 --> 00:06:53,221
Yes, we do have a business center.
154
00:06:53,256 --> 00:06:55,123
You can find it right outside
the doors to your left,
155
00:06:55,158 --> 00:06:58,760
right beside the hammam spa.
156
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:00,028
Would you like me to book you
a treatment while you're at it?
157
00:07:00,063 --> 00:07:01,997
David: Thank you, no,
just the towel, thanks.
158
00:07:02,031 --> 00:07:03,932
I'll get those right out.
159
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:05,500
(Gunshots, dramatic music on television)
160
00:07:08,171 --> 00:07:10,037
Well Roland, once again,
thank you for giving us
161
00:07:10,072 --> 00:07:11,606
the lay of the land here,
162
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,708
but we have some serious unpacking to do.
163
00:07:13,742 --> 00:07:16,344
- Oh, sure!
- Johnny: If you don't mind.
164
00:07:16,378 --> 00:07:18,913
No problem there, Johnny,
I don't mind helpin' out.
165
00:07:18,948 --> 00:07:21,315
Listen, one thing before I go here, um...
166
00:07:23,552 --> 00:07:25,386
Do you mind if I use your toilet?
167
00:07:27,722 --> 00:07:31,792
Moira: Is it absolutely necessary?
168
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,161
Roland: Uh, yeah, I would
say it's absolutely necessary!
169
00:07:36,465 --> 00:07:37,764
(Laughs) Excuse me.
170
00:07:37,799 --> 00:07:39,733
Absolutely necessary.
171
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,003
Yes, that train has left the station,
172
00:07:42,037 --> 00:07:44,037
if you know what I mean! (Chuckles)
173
00:07:46,941 --> 00:07:49,843
- David: I need that bed.
- Alexis: Why?
174
00:07:49,878 --> 00:07:51,177
- David: Because I need it.
- Alexis: Why?
175
00:07:51,212 --> 00:07:52,713
Because if someone were to break in here
176
00:07:52,747 --> 00:07:53,881
in the middle of the
night wanting to murder us,
177
00:07:53,915 --> 00:07:55,248
they would attack this bed first,
178
00:07:55,282 --> 00:07:57,918
so I need this bed.
179
00:07:57,952 --> 00:08:00,453
So you're saying that you
want me to get murdered first?!
180
00:08:00,488 --> 00:08:02,522
In front of you? And
then what would you do?
181
00:08:02,556 --> 00:08:04,391
Would you just run away
and leave me to bleed out...
182
00:08:04,425 --> 00:08:06,192
On the floor?!
183
00:08:06,227 --> 00:08:09,362
Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.
184
00:08:09,397 --> 00:08:11,864
Alexis: Okay. Well, you can
have the bed when I leave.
185
00:08:11,899 --> 00:08:14,434
David: Well, where are you going?
186
00:08:14,468 --> 00:08:15,735
Alexis: Stavros is flying in
to get me, I told you that.
187
00:08:15,769 --> 00:08:18,905
What do you mean Stavros is com...
188
00:08:18,939 --> 00:08:21,007
What do you mean? When?
When is he doing that?
189
00:08:21,041 --> 00:08:23,042
Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate
stops hogging his plane.
190
00:08:23,076 --> 00:08:26,211
Well, where are we going?
191
00:08:26,246 --> 00:08:30,182
Okay, at present, he's just coming for me,
192
00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:32,051
but then I figured that
we would just come back
193
00:08:32,085 --> 00:08:35,087
and grab you guys at some point.
194
00:08:35,121 --> 00:08:38,323
What kind of sociopath abandons her
family in some vomit soaked dump,
195
00:08:40,860 --> 00:08:43,429
to gallivant around the world
196
00:08:43,463 --> 00:08:45,464
with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend
197
00:08:45,498 --> 00:08:47,999
she's known for three months?!
198
00:08:48,034 --> 00:08:50,669
Um, David, it will be
four months next month!
199
00:08:50,703 --> 00:08:53,004
Oh my God!
200
00:08:53,039 --> 00:08:56,207
And he just told me that he
could potentially see himself
201
00:08:56,241 --> 00:08:57,642
considering saying "I love you"
202
00:08:57,677 --> 00:08:59,978
at some point sometime soon, so...
203
00:09:00,012 --> 00:09:01,546
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
204
00:09:01,581 --> 00:09:03,381
I'm telling mom. I'm telling
mom and dad, have you told them?
205
00:09:03,415 --> 00:09:06,084
Alexis: No! No David, I'm
waiting for the right opportunity.
206
00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:08,119
Okay, otherwise dad's gonna cry,
207
00:09:08,153 --> 00:09:09,987
and mom's gonna do that thing
208
00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:11,689
where she pretends that nothing's wrong,
209
00:09:11,723 --> 00:09:13,057
and then just doesn't
talk to me for five months,
210
00:09:13,092 --> 00:09:14,125
and I don't want that.
211
00:09:14,159 --> 00:09:17,628
Well, I need this bed! I need it, so.
212
00:09:17,662 --> 00:09:19,863
You know what, David?!
213
00:09:19,898 --> 00:09:21,899
You get murdered first for once!
214
00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:24,001
No, you get murdered first!
215
00:09:24,035 --> 00:09:26,303
David, you get murdered first!
216
00:09:26,337 --> 00:09:28,438
David: No, you! You do it!
217
00:09:28,473 --> 00:09:30,808
Alexis: Yes, you get murdered
first! David, you get murdered first!
218
00:09:38,449 --> 00:09:40,417
(Door creaks open)
219
00:09:42,587 --> 00:09:45,054
I actually think this place is kinda cute.
220
00:09:45,089 --> 00:09:47,190
Moira: Did you say cute?
221
00:09:47,225 --> 00:09:50,693
No Alexis, Martha Stewart's
Hampton home is cute.
222
00:09:52,997 --> 00:09:54,998
David: Where's that weird man?
223
00:09:55,032 --> 00:09:58,067
Where?
224
00:09:58,102 --> 00:09:59,636
He's in the bathroom.
225
00:09:59,670 --> 00:10:01,938
He... he won't leave!
226
00:10:01,972 --> 00:10:03,840
Well, he's been in there
for a very long ti...
227
00:10:03,874 --> 00:10:06,843
- Oh my God! Oh my God!
- (Toilet flushes)
228
00:10:06,877 --> 00:10:10,179
Roland: Jeez. Um... Boy.
229
00:10:10,213 --> 00:10:11,713
Remind me to get that window fixed.
230
00:10:11,748 --> 00:10:13,749
It will not open.
231
00:10:13,783 --> 00:10:15,551
Roland, listen, thank you very much,
232
00:10:15,585 --> 00:10:17,453
but I appreciate everything you've done,
233
00:10:17,487 --> 00:10:21,089
we need a little private
time now, as a family.
234
00:10:21,124 --> 00:10:25,093
Sure, well actually, those
curtains do close there so...
235
00:10:25,128 --> 00:10:27,796
Oh, look! You've got Channel 19!
236
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:31,299
Roland, could you get the fuck out?!
237
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:34,036
T.V. announcer: This latest model
is a revelation in innovation.
238
00:10:34,070 --> 00:10:36,538
I am not lying folks, it's
gonna last you a lifetime.
239
00:10:36,572 --> 00:10:40,508
- You are gonna thank...
- (TV clicks off)
240
00:10:40,543 --> 00:10:44,345
That was an overreaction.
That was uncalled for.
241
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:47,081
It's just... you know, we're a little tired,
242
00:10:47,115 --> 00:10:49,617
it's been a long day,
243
00:10:49,652 --> 00:10:52,620
there's a pharmacy worth
of drugs wearing off
244
00:10:52,655 --> 00:10:54,689
on most of us right now,
and I just think as a family,
245
00:10:54,723 --> 00:10:56,757
we just need a little time to chill.
246
00:10:56,792 --> 00:11:00,027
Johnny, please, you
don't have to apologize,
247
00:11:00,062 --> 00:11:01,662
and you really don't have
to hit me over the head
248
00:11:01,697 --> 00:11:03,530
with this sort of thing, I get it,
249
00:11:03,565 --> 00:11:05,933
you need your little family
time and all that, I'm sure.
250
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:07,902
No problem.
251
00:11:07,936 --> 00:11:10,671
You know what I'll do, I'll um...
252
00:11:10,706 --> 00:11:13,941
I'll just get the fuck out of here.
253
00:11:18,446 --> 00:11:21,014
(Door slams, shade rattles forcefully)
254
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,197
David: Ugh, we have to eat in here?!
255
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:32,866
Alexis: I think it's kinda sweet.
256
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,969
Alexis, what's going on with you?
257
00:11:36,003 --> 00:11:38,839
- Alexis: What do you mean?
- Moira: Seriously?!
258
00:11:38,873 --> 00:11:40,974
The room was "cute," this place is "sweet."
259
00:11:41,008 --> 00:11:43,076
David: I am personally
offended by this place,
260
00:11:43,110 --> 00:11:45,712
I don't know what you
think is nice about it.
261
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:49,582
Moira: The town is
disgusting. It is gruesome.
262
00:11:49,616 --> 00:11:54,287
Alexis: It is charming, it is
quaint, it's like out of a storybook.
263
00:11:54,321 --> 00:11:58,257
Alexis, what the hell
is the matter with you?!
264
00:11:58,292 --> 00:12:02,295
Okay... Stavros is flying in to get me,
265
00:12:02,329 --> 00:12:04,397
and I am going to go live
with him for a little bit.
266
00:12:04,431 --> 00:12:06,699
Well, that is not happening.
267
00:12:06,733 --> 00:12:08,834
And I am appalled that my baby girl
268
00:12:08,869 --> 00:12:11,604
has turned into a
selfish, duplicitous whore!
269
00:12:11,638 --> 00:12:13,739
Oh, hello!
270
00:12:13,773 --> 00:12:16,475
Twyla: Hi, I'm Twyla. I'll
be your waitress today.
271
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:19,277
Anyway, I read about you guys,
272
00:12:19,312 --> 00:12:21,714
and everything you've gone
through, it sounds super crappy.
273
00:12:21,748 --> 00:12:23,681
Super crappy?
274
00:12:23,716 --> 00:12:25,550
I had a second cousin in Elmdale
275
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:28,053
who did telemarketing,
he made a ton of money.
276
00:12:28,087 --> 00:12:29,587
It turns out his entire
business was illegal,
277
00:12:29,622 --> 00:12:31,089
and he lost everything.
278
00:12:31,124 --> 00:12:33,725
Hm... not quite the same.
279
00:12:33,759 --> 00:12:36,428
Yeah, no, he went to prison,
which is terrible, but...
280
00:12:36,462 --> 00:12:40,031
But he is learning
Spanish, no mas, le duele!
281
00:12:40,065 --> 00:12:42,099
I think it means, "stop, it hurts."
282
00:12:42,134 --> 00:12:44,402
Oh, wonderful anecdote.
283
00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:45,870
Could you give us a moment please?
284
00:12:45,905 --> 00:12:48,272
Whenever you're ready,
I'm just right over here.
285
00:12:48,306 --> 00:12:51,009
I forbid you to abandon our family.
286
00:12:51,043 --> 00:12:52,944
I am a grown woman, mother.
287
00:12:52,978 --> 00:12:54,846
This is an act of a spoiled child!
288
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:58,115
I think it's unforgivable!
289
00:12:58,150 --> 00:12:59,417
Alexis: I think that
you're just super jealous,
290
00:12:59,451 --> 00:13:02,086
'cause I'm getting out of here!
291
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,355
Also, you have a big thing
of dandruff on your eyebrow.
292
00:13:04,389 --> 00:13:06,123
- David: Don't do that!
- Johnny: Kids, stop, stop!
293
00:13:06,158 --> 00:13:08,025
Moira: The world is falling
apart around us John,
294
00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:10,428
and I'm dying inside.
295
00:13:10,462 --> 00:13:12,629
Johnny: Well, I'm feeling
a little queasy myself.
296
00:13:12,664 --> 00:13:15,298
Oh, brisket!
297
00:13:15,332 --> 00:13:16,900
- David: Give me... some spale!
- Alexis: David!
298
00:13:24,141 --> 00:13:26,777
Moira: John...
299
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:28,611
- Moira: Oh my God!
- Alexis: Umm...
300
00:13:32,783 --> 00:13:35,418
These rooms did have doors, didn't they?
301
00:13:35,453 --> 00:13:37,120
Yeah, it's a hotel, they're hotel rooms!
302
00:13:37,154 --> 00:13:39,922
It's a motel! These are motel rooms.
303
00:13:39,957 --> 00:13:42,024
What if they took our stuff?!
304
00:13:42,059 --> 00:13:43,726
David: What stuff?
There's no stuff to take.
305
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,027
I have stuff!
306
00:13:47,230 --> 00:13:50,032
Son of a bitch!
307
00:13:54,237 --> 00:13:56,238
(Door slams)
308
00:13:56,272 --> 00:13:57,640
Yeah, I've got a problem.
309
00:13:57,674 --> 00:13:59,675
If this is about doors...
310
00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:01,376
Yeah, it's about doors,
yeah, my doors are gone,
311
00:14:01,411 --> 00:14:03,845
my front door, somebody stole my doors!
312
00:14:03,879 --> 00:14:05,780
Stevie: Yeah, you're gonna have
to talk to Roland about that.
313
00:14:05,815 --> 00:14:07,583
He lives just down the street,
you make a left out of the motel
314
00:14:07,617 --> 00:14:09,518
and then another left.
315
00:14:09,552 --> 00:14:11,487
It's a house with a truck in the driveway.
316
00:14:11,521 --> 00:14:16,158
There's a bumper sticker
of a naked Helen Mirren.
317
00:14:16,192 --> 00:14:20,895
(Moira screams) Oh my God, no! No! No!
318
00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:23,531
- Alexis: What?!
- Ah! My earrings! They were there.
319
00:14:23,565 --> 00:14:24,933
- They're not there!
- David: Where did they go?
320
00:14:24,967 --> 00:14:27,235
I don't know!
321
00:14:27,269 --> 00:14:29,137
I don't know! First you
threatened to abandon me,
322
00:14:29,171 --> 00:14:31,506
and now my precious diamonds are gone!
323
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:33,775
Okay, you are super dramatic right now.
324
00:14:33,809 --> 00:14:36,810
Shut up and look for them! (Shrieks)
325
00:14:36,845 --> 00:14:39,079
(Whimpers, shrieks)
326
00:14:39,114 --> 00:14:40,515
(Screaming repeatedly)
327
00:14:40,549 --> 00:14:42,016
(Screams)
328
00:14:44,419 --> 00:14:45,986
(Sobbing hysterically)
329
00:14:46,021 --> 00:14:49,690
Get open!
330
00:14:49,724 --> 00:14:53,527
(Dog barks)
331
00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:56,496
Johnny: Roland, I see you behind the truck!
332
00:14:56,531 --> 00:14:58,498
Yeah, of course you see me.
333
00:14:58,533 --> 00:14:59,967
I'm looking at my gravel.
334
00:15:02,370 --> 00:15:04,872
Gravel these days, what are you gonna do?
335
00:15:04,906 --> 00:15:07,641
- Johnny: Yeah, it's gravel.
- Roland: Yeah, it's gravel!
336
00:15:07,675 --> 00:15:09,742
Hey, good news for you.
337
00:15:09,777 --> 00:15:12,145
I talked to a guy about
that bathroom window.
338
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:14,514
That's the least of my concerns right now!
339
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:17,717
Oh really? Well, why don't
we address your concerns?!
340
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,020
The doors! I want my doors back!
341
00:15:21,055 --> 00:15:22,121
- Roland: Oh!
- Johnny: Before it gets dark!
342
00:15:22,156 --> 00:15:24,423
My son is afraid of moths.
343
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,325
Oh, hmm. Well, here's the
thing about that Johnny,
344
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,895
you see, you did a bad thing.
345
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:31,263
You disrespected me in
front of your family!
346
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,431
And now they think less of me.
347
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,267
I doubt that's possible.
348
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,170
And to be honest, you were
kinda breathing down our necks
349
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:39,471
a little bit back at the motel.
350
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,408
Johnny, when I was a kid
and I did a bad thing,
351
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,077
my father took the doors off my room.
352
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:49,147
And he said to me,
"Roland, privacy is earned."
353
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:52,184
I am having a tough time following that.
354
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,052
What the hell does that
have to do with privacy?
355
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:57,422
Nothing. I just got mad,
and I took your doors.
356
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,991
Look, if you took
offense to anything I said
357
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,861
back at the motel, just
know it wasn't personal.
358
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:08,366
All right, apology accepted.
359
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,567
Well, that was less of an apology,
360
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,069
and more of an explanation.
361
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,070
Nevertheless, I accept your apology.
362
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:14,171
Which it wasn't!
363
00:16:14,206 --> 00:16:16,941
So thank you again for that apology.
364
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:18,576
Well, there was no apology,
and I can't do this anymore!
365
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,578
You said you're sorry in a
very sweet and humble way,
366
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,413
and that takes a big man to do that,
367
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:25,316
and that's what Johnny
Rose is! A big man! Ooh!
368
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,422
Moira: Oh! (Banging)
369
00:16:32,457 --> 00:16:35,726
Hello! Hello!
370
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:38,428
Hi, hello, come here, please.
371
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:43,067
I don't suppose you saw
any hobos or crackheads
372
00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:45,636
loitering around the hotel today?
373
00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:48,472
No crackheads, no...
374
00:16:48,506 --> 00:16:51,275
While the rooms were exposed to
the world like a Moroccan fair,
375
00:16:51,309 --> 00:16:54,378
someone got in here and stole my earrings.
376
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:58,448
But it was just... but it
was just you here today.
377
00:16:58,483 --> 00:17:01,518
- Stevie: It was.
- Moira: It was.
378
00:17:01,552 --> 00:17:04,821
I'm assuming you were the only
one here on the premises today?
379
00:17:04,855 --> 00:17:07,356
I think I know where
you're going with this.
380
00:17:07,391 --> 00:17:11,761
No, I'm simply confirming
that you alone were here
381
00:17:11,796 --> 00:17:13,997
when the earrings were stolen.
382
00:17:14,031 --> 00:17:14,964
Are you asking me if I stole your earrings?
383
00:17:14,999 --> 00:17:18,067
No, I would never, please!
384
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:21,170
But I also would certainly
never press charges
385
00:17:21,204 --> 00:17:24,039
if my earrings were
suddenly to be returned.
386
00:17:24,073 --> 00:17:27,075
If they suddenly reappeared,
387
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:29,044
if you gave them back I
would not press charges,
388
00:17:29,078 --> 00:17:31,280
I would look the other way.
389
00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:33,081
Okay, you know what? I gotta run.
390
00:17:33,116 --> 00:17:35,284
'Cause I wanna hit the
pawn shop before it closes.
391
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,452
I owe my crack dealer a ton of money, so.
392
00:17:37,486 --> 00:17:40,355
You seem like you have
this under control, though.
393
00:17:40,389 --> 00:17:42,024
David: What just happened?!
394
00:17:42,058 --> 00:17:44,526
Moira: David, I politely
asked that concierge girl
395
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,229
if she had stolen my earrings,
and she turned ice cold,
396
00:17:47,263 --> 00:17:49,264
and now she's on her way to a pawn shop!
397
00:17:49,299 --> 00:17:51,700
David: What?! I need a towel!
398
00:17:51,734 --> 00:17:53,935
Hello, hi.
399
00:17:53,969 --> 00:17:56,304
Hi, I am sorry if my mom accused you
400
00:17:56,339 --> 00:17:58,440
- of taking something.
- Stevie: It's fine.
401
00:17:58,474 --> 00:18:00,442
Okay, but does this mean that
when you're cleaning our rooms,
402
00:18:00,476 --> 00:18:02,276
you're gonna put weird stuff in
our beds out of spite, or something?
403
00:18:02,311 --> 00:18:03,878
I won't be cleaning your room.
404
00:18:03,912 --> 00:18:05,447
Okay, can I ask you a question?
405
00:18:05,481 --> 00:18:07,549
Shoot.
406
00:18:07,583 --> 00:18:08,616
I think you're kind of rude!
407
00:18:08,651 --> 00:18:10,918
Is that a question?
408
00:18:10,953 --> 00:18:14,055
I have asked you thrice now for a towel,
409
00:18:14,089 --> 00:18:16,858
so that I may wash this town off my body.
410
00:18:16,892 --> 00:18:18,125
Do you think I wanna be here?
411
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,861
Do you think I wanna be here?!
412
00:18:19,895 --> 00:18:21,562
I don't know what you want,
413
00:18:21,596 --> 00:18:23,664
you've given me one word
answers since I got here!
414
00:18:23,698 --> 00:18:25,599
So if I get you a towel you'll
stop following me to my car?
415
00:18:25,693 --> 00:18:29,596
Yes! Yes!
416
00:18:29,631 --> 00:18:32,232
Fine, but I'm only doing this
because you called me rude,
417
00:18:32,266 --> 00:18:34,435
and I take that as a compliment.
418
00:18:34,469 --> 00:18:36,603
The man is a lunatic!
419
00:18:36,638 --> 00:18:38,204
What the hell happened here?
420
00:18:38,239 --> 00:18:40,607
We've been robbed.
421
00:18:40,642 --> 00:18:43,910
Right now some local is
pawning my earrings for crank.
422
00:18:43,945 --> 00:18:45,711
- Johnny: Your diamonds?!
- Moira: Yes, my diamonds,
423
00:18:45,746 --> 00:18:47,680
the one thing I could hide under my tongue.
424
00:18:47,714 --> 00:18:52,185
Moira, I took your earrings out of here,
425
00:18:52,219 --> 00:18:56,022
and I put them in my shoe. For safekeeping.
426
00:18:56,057 --> 00:18:59,992
Alexis: No! No! (Anguished sob)
427
00:19:00,026 --> 00:19:02,728
Stavros just texted me.
428
00:19:02,763 --> 00:19:05,064
And he ended it, he's not coming!
429
00:19:05,098 --> 00:19:06,532
He said he doesn't have
time to come and get me,
430
00:19:06,567 --> 00:19:09,869
because he already rsvp'd
to Diddy's white party,
431
00:19:09,903 --> 00:19:12,338
and doesn't have time to do both!
432
00:19:12,372 --> 00:19:14,173
But I was supposed to be
his date to the white party!
433
00:19:14,207 --> 00:19:18,444
Alexis, he was never my favourite Stavros.
434
00:19:18,478 --> 00:19:20,079
I've hated that guy ever since he asked me
435
00:19:20,113 --> 00:19:22,348
to do lines with him at my sixtieth.
436
00:19:22,382 --> 00:19:24,749
Just out of sheer curiosity,
437
00:19:24,784 --> 00:19:27,586
um, where do you stand now
438
00:19:27,620 --> 00:19:29,521
on whether or not you
think this motel is cute?
439
00:19:29,555 --> 00:19:30,622
Like, is it still cute, or is it...
440
00:19:30,656 --> 00:19:32,657
You're a dick, David!
441
00:19:32,692 --> 00:19:34,459
David: Oh, I'm a dick!
442
00:19:34,494 --> 00:19:36,361
Okay, did I dump you for a party?!
443
00:19:36,395 --> 00:19:37,729
Johnny: David, help me with the doors.
444
00:19:37,763 --> 00:19:39,931
No I can't, I just got out of the shower.
445
00:19:39,966 --> 00:19:41,099
- I need help with the doors.
- David: Oh my God!
446
00:19:41,133 --> 00:19:42,801
Alexis: David, help him with the doors!
447
00:19:42,835 --> 00:19:44,503
- David: You help him with the doors!
- Alexis: No!
448
00:19:44,537 --> 00:19:45,637
David, could you help me with the doors?!
449
00:19:45,671 --> 00:19:47,205
It's air drying!
450
00:19:47,239 --> 00:19:49,807
Pick up a hammer, and
nail this coffin shut!
451
00:19:52,454 --> 00:19:54,100
As if I didn't see this coming.
452
00:19:54,858 --> 00:19:58,294
He's broken up with me five times already.
453
00:19:58,328 --> 00:20:01,730
Like, there was that time
that he never met me in Rio,
454
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,231
and remember that time that he gave me
455
00:20:03,266 --> 00:20:06,135
his ex wife's engagement ring?
456
00:20:06,169 --> 00:20:08,537
And then, last summer,
457
00:20:08,571 --> 00:20:10,673
that time that he left his Molly
458
00:20:10,707 --> 00:20:12,440
in my glove compartment,
and then I got arrested?
459
00:20:12,475 --> 00:20:15,110
Oh my God! Can you do me a huge favour?
460
00:20:15,145 --> 00:20:17,845
And never repeat this to
anyone that you respect, okay?
461
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,915
- David: Okay? Okay.
- Alexis: Okay.
462
00:20:20,949 --> 00:20:23,218
Kids, we just came in to say good night,
463
00:20:23,252 --> 00:20:26,954
and to remind you that we
will get through this...
464
00:20:26,989 --> 00:20:28,490
- David: Okay, good night!
- Johnny: As a family...
465
00:20:28,524 --> 00:20:30,925
David: Warmest regards to you both.
466
00:20:30,959 --> 00:20:34,996
And that will end up
on our feet in no time!
467
00:20:35,030 --> 00:20:36,931
Of course, by then our
feet will be shoeless,
468
00:20:36,965 --> 00:20:39,000
and filthy and mangled,
469
00:20:39,034 --> 00:20:42,737
from walking on cigarette
butts and broken beer bottles.
470
00:20:42,771 --> 00:20:46,507
So, seriously Alexis, enough about Stavros!
471
00:20:46,541 --> 00:20:50,578
I'm sorry if I am going
through something right now!
472
00:20:50,612 --> 00:20:51,845
David: You're going through something?!
473
00:21:02,357 --> 00:21:04,891
- Moira: Good night, children.
- Johnny: Good night!
474
00:21:04,926 --> 00:21:07,427
- David: Good night.
- Alexis: (Tearfully) Good night.
475
00:21:07,461 --> 00:21:08,695
Moira: Let's all pray we don't wake up.
476
00:21:08,696 --> 00:21:14,303
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00:21:14,353 --> 00:21:18,903
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