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Last week on Roseanne...
3
00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:09,067
Las Vegas. We leave sunday,
come back tuesday.
4
00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:10,801
Take off
and leave the kids?
5
00:00:10,801 --> 00:00:13,000
I want to see
Wayne Newton!
6
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,501
7. Winner!
7
00:00:15,501 --> 00:00:17,033
We had a date.
8
00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:18,033
Now?
9
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,100
Yeah, now.
10
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,534
Rosie, I'm hot.
11
00:00:20,534 --> 00:00:22,334
So am I.
12
00:00:22,334 --> 00:00:24,834
We haven't had five minutes
alone since we got here.
13
00:00:24,834 --> 00:00:25,934
Well, now we're alone.
14
00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:29,400
I, for one,
am having a great time.
15
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,901
You know, Dan,
16
00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:33,400
We should have took
separate vacations.
17
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,901
I go to Vegas.
18
00:00:34,901 --> 00:00:36,434
You go to hell.
19
00:00:36,434 --> 00:00:37,834
[Door slams]
20
00:01:56,467 --> 00:01:59,267
Dan's beard hairs
are all over the sink,
21
00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:01,868
and his underwear's
hanging on the doorknob.
22
00:02:01,868 --> 00:02:04,033
He's griping about
a couple of lipsticks
23
00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:06,033
taking up
all his bathroom space,
24
00:02:06,033 --> 00:02:08,367
you know,
like he owns the place.
25
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:09,868
"This is my sink.
26
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,968
This is my doorknob."
27
00:02:12,968 --> 00:02:16,534
That's why men all
the time miss the john,
28
00:02:16,534 --> 00:02:19,534
'Cause they're marking
their territory.
29
00:02:19,534 --> 00:02:21,634
O.k. Well,
men are pigs.
30
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,801
That's not news.
31
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:24,801
Double zero.
32
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:27,868
Oh, double zero.
33
00:02:27,868 --> 00:02:30,868
That just about sums up
my whole vacation.
34
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:32,934
Roseanne,
35
00:02:32,934 --> 00:02:34,734
You're ruining
your whole trip.
36
00:02:34,734 --> 00:02:38,801
Why don't you just
go to Dan and say "I'm sorry?"
37
00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:41,300
Let me tell you
something, Nancy.
38
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:44,367
You do not stay married
for 18 years
39
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:50,534
By blurting out
stupid little things like "I'm sorry."
40
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:52,501
I'm on a roll
that's unbelievable,
41
00:02:52,501 --> 00:02:56,067
And she wants romance
and it can't wait.
42
00:03:00,801 --> 00:03:02,534
She's yelling about
underwear on doorknobs.
43
00:03:02,534 --> 00:03:04,968
She didn't want them
on the floor or on me.
44
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:06,334
Where do I put them?
45
00:03:06,334 --> 00:03:07,334
Another card?
46
00:03:07,334 --> 00:03:08,868
Sure. Hit me.
47
00:03:08,868 --> 00:03:10,834
Why should you
be any different?
48
00:03:12,167 --> 00:03:13,100
Sorry.
49
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,167
I knew it.
50
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,734
She yammered the luck
right out of me.
51
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:17,334
Better luck next time.
52
00:03:17,334 --> 00:03:20,234
Uh-uh.
No way I'm getting married again.
53
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,801
Great news, Dan.
54
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,868
You got
the Wayne Newton tickets!
55
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:26,367
Good news, Dan.
56
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:27,467
You didn't?
57
00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:30,367
Rosie's been waiting
12 years to see Wayne.
58
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,100
It's the main reason
we came.
59
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,501
It's not my fault.
Wayne doesn't work on mondays.
60
00:03:35,501 --> 00:03:39,734
We didn't go yesterday.
You said we'd get better tickets tonight.
61
00:03:39,734 --> 00:03:42,834
I can get us
front row tickets tonight,
62
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:44,601
But it won't be much fun
without Wayne.
63
00:03:44,601 --> 00:03:47,100
O.k., so we don't
see Wayne.
64
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,868
Somehow she'll
make this my fault,
65
00:03:48,868 --> 00:03:51,968
But I already
left nose hairs in her sink.
66
00:03:51,968 --> 00:03:53,567
You can't
hang a man twice.
67
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,067
I said I had good news.
68
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:59,000
Four tickets to
the Las Vegas legends in concert.
69
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,501
The finest
showbiz impersonators in the world.
70
00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:02,868
That's not so bad.
71
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:06,734
If we saw Wayne
it would be over in a couple of hours.
72
00:04:06,734 --> 00:04:08,400
This I'll hear about
the rest of my life.
73
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,400
One thing.
74
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,400
What?
75
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,701
These tickets are free
only for looking
76
00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:14,767
at time-share
vacation condos.
77
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:16,534
Let's go!
78
00:04:16,534 --> 00:04:19,868
Hit me--no, no.
Kill me!
79
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,000
See...
80
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,868
marriage
is like gambling, you know.
81
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,868
The odds are all
in favor of the house.
82
00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,868
So, when your marriage
breaks up
83
00:04:32,868 --> 00:04:34,868
make sure
you keep the house.
84
00:04:34,868 --> 00:04:38,801
Ha. Roseanne,
I think you'd better eat something.
85
00:04:38,801 --> 00:04:40,300
And, you know,
86
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,868
marriage is like
this here slot machine.
87
00:04:42,868 --> 00:04:46,067
You don't always get back
what you put into it, see.
88
00:04:46,067 --> 00:04:48,701
All right.
89
00:04:48,701 --> 00:04:49,734
"Honey...
90
00:04:49,734 --> 00:04:53,734
I made
your favorite dinner."
91
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,067
Nothing.
92
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:57,968
"Honey...
93
00:04:57,968 --> 00:05:01,334
I let your favorite pants
out another inch."
94
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:02,334
Ha ha ha!
95
00:05:02,334 --> 00:05:04,300
Nothing.
96
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,367
"Honey, I bore you
three children,
97
00:05:07,367 --> 00:05:09,901
And I got
that soap you like."
98
00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:12,534
Zip.
99
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:14,634
This proves my point.
100
00:05:14,634 --> 00:05:15,968
Marriage stinks.
101
00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:20,000
With a capital "suck."
102
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,834
Come on, Roseanne.
Stop it.
103
00:05:21,834 --> 00:05:27,334
Nancy, the longer
I know you, the more I got to ask you--
104
00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:29,868
Why are you
marrying that guy?
105
00:05:29,868 --> 00:05:31,400
I don't know.
106
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,167
I mean, he's not
everything I deserve.
107
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,033
So I think, uh,
108
00:05:36,033 --> 00:05:39,033
Do you want
to marry the guy?
109
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:41,501
Then he did something
the other day that really clinched it.
110
00:05:41,501 --> 00:05:44,400
He told me about
that affair he had.
111
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,067
He did?
112
00:05:46,067 --> 00:05:47,534
Uh-huh.
113
00:05:47,534 --> 00:05:50,267
And it's not like
I caught him or anything.
114
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,400
He just thought...
115
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,267
If we're going
to be married,
116
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:55,701
There shouldn't
be any secrets.
117
00:05:55,701 --> 00:05:59,501
And that's when
I knew I could really trust him.
118
00:05:59,501 --> 00:06:02,467
I can't believe
he told you.
119
00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:03,934
I was amazed.
120
00:06:03,934 --> 00:06:08,033
Nancy, you are really
an incredible person.
121
00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:10,868
You've forgiven him
and, man,
122
00:06:10,868 --> 00:06:12,634
I haven't even
forgiven Jackie yet.
123
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:16,567
What has Jackie
got to do with it?
124
00:06:20,033 --> 00:06:22,701
You know,
marriage is like--
125
00:06:22,701 --> 00:06:24,734
It--it was Jackie?
126
00:06:24,734 --> 00:06:26,601
What was Jackie?
127
00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:32,467
He told me
some bimbo divorcee threw herself at him
128
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:34,300
And he'd never see
her again.
129
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,534
I'm going
to kill him.
130
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:39,434
Men!
131
00:06:39,434 --> 00:06:42,367
If Dan hadn't made me
come to Vegas
132
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:44,767
none of this
would have happened.
133
00:06:58,434 --> 00:07:01,400
So, Danny, how's
that complimentary drink treating you?
134
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,901
You can't beat
a big glass of tang with an umbrella.
135
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:08,000
Man, I hope the girls
don't get lost.
136
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:08,934
Why?
137
00:07:08,934 --> 00:07:10,934
Come on. It's going
to be great.
138
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:13,634
I was in the john,
and I saw the guy that does Paul Anka.
139
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:17,067
If you close your eyes,
you'd swear it was him.
140
00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:21,801
Oh, wow!
141
00:07:21,801 --> 00:07:24,801
Legends in concert,
huh, Dan?
142
00:07:24,801 --> 00:07:29,434
Thank you so much
for making this the perfect vacation.
143
00:07:29,434 --> 00:07:31,534
Right back at you, babe.
144
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,434
You're dead.
145
00:07:33,434 --> 00:07:36,901
She knows about Jackie.
146
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:40,767
Honey, I'm sorry.
147
00:07:40,767 --> 00:07:41,801
I love you.
148
00:07:41,801 --> 00:07:43,033
It was Jackie Harris.
149
00:07:43,033 --> 00:07:45,667
I know I'm a lying dog,
but marry me.
150
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:47,300
Why didn't you
tell me before?
151
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,367
Why drag Jackie
into this?
152
00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:50,734
She's a nice person.
153
00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:53,033
I didn't want you
hating her because I made a mistake.
154
00:07:53,033 --> 00:07:54,934
Jackie
slept with Arnie?
155
00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:56,634
Yuck!
156
00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:57,868
You're a pig.
157
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,200
Yeah.
158
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,133
You're scum.
159
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:01,133
Yeah.
160
00:08:01,133 --> 00:08:02,067
You're slime.
161
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:03,133
Yeah.
162
00:08:03,133 --> 00:08:04,100
You're vermin!
163
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,100
Kiss me!
164
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:18,267
See! Why can't you ever be
romantic like that with me?
165
00:08:19,968 --> 00:08:22,567
Well, since my baby
left me
166
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:25,067
I've found a new place
to dwell
167
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:27,767
It's down at the end
of lonely street
168
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,367
It's heartbreak hotel
169
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:30,467
Where you will
170
00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:32,901
You'll be so lonely,
baby
171
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:34,901
You'll be so lonely
172
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:37,501
You'll be so lonely
173
00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:38,667
You could die
174
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:40,934
The girls
are in the bathroom missing this.
175
00:08:40,934 --> 00:08:41,934
Lucky them.
176
00:08:44,234 --> 00:08:45,701
[Imitating Elvis]
thank you.
177
00:08:45,701 --> 00:08:47,434
Thank you very much.
178
00:08:47,434 --> 00:08:48,968
God bless
and good night.
179
00:08:48,968 --> 00:08:50,334
God bless and good night.
180
00:08:50,334 --> 00:08:52,734
Dan, he was great.
181
00:08:52,734 --> 00:08:56,367
I liked him better
as Liza.
182
00:08:56,367 --> 00:08:57,801
Ladies and gentlemen,
183
00:08:57,801 --> 00:08:59,868
Please
put your hands together
184
00:08:59,868 --> 00:09:01,367
For Mr. Excitement,
185
00:09:01,367 --> 00:09:02,868
The midnight idol,
186
00:09:02,868 --> 00:09:04,901
Wayne Newton!
187
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:13,634
O.k., looks
moderately waynish.
188
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,534
Ladies and gentlemen,
189
00:09:15,534 --> 00:09:18,767
I'd like to thank you for
coming to see me this evening,
190
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,701
But as you know,
I don't just say thank you.
191
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:22,667
I say...
192
00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,701
2, 3, 6, 9...
193
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,100
* Danke schoen *
194
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:32,634
Darling, Danke schoen
195
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:34,367
Thank you for
196
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:37,968
All the joy and pain
197
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,400
Picture shows.
198
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,634
Second balcony.
199
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:44,167
Was a place we'd--
200
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:46,167
Wait a minute!
Hold it!
201
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:48,701
Hang on a second,
fellas.
202
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,701
I can't take this
anymore.
203
00:09:50,701 --> 00:09:51,701
I'm sorry.
204
00:09:51,701 --> 00:09:53,801
Does someone
have a problem out there?
205
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:55,334
It's with your act.
206
00:09:55,334 --> 00:09:57,701
[Dan]
Now it's getting good.
207
00:09:57,701 --> 00:10:00,534
And I suppose
you can do better?
208
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,434
I couldn't
do any worse.
209
00:10:02,434 --> 00:10:05,501
Ha ha ha ha!
210
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:08,067
Well, this ought
to be good.
211
00:10:08,067 --> 00:10:11,934
Could we get a spotlight
on this gentleman, please?
212
00:10:20,634 --> 00:10:23,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
what a surprise!
213
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,567
I don't believe it!
It's him!
214
00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,067
This is incredible!
215
00:10:27,067 --> 00:10:28,334
The seats good enough
for you now, Dan?
216
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,334
The midnight idol
of Las Vegas...
217
00:10:30,334 --> 00:10:34,067
The real Wayne Newton!
218
00:10:36,734 --> 00:10:37,868
They're hugging.
219
00:10:37,868 --> 00:10:40,167
Just like the good Kirk
battling the evil Kirk!
220
00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:45,033
Oh, my gosh.
221
00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:48,033
Wayne, it is so good
to see you again.
222
00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:50,868
I had to check out
my competition.
223
00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:52,667
Is he good or what?
224
00:10:52,667 --> 00:10:55,434
I got to go
get Rosie.
225
00:10:57,601 --> 00:10:59,167
Listen, Wayne, uh,
226
00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:02,234
As long as
you're up here, how about a song?
227
00:11:02,234 --> 00:11:03,667
He's going to sing.
228
00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:05,167
Arnie, go get Rosie.
229
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:07,167
I'm not going
to miss the Wayne off.
230
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:08,734
They love you,
chief.
231
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,667
You've got to do it.
232
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:13,834
Thank you.
233
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,968
2, 3, 6, 9...
234
00:11:18,567 --> 00:11:20,334
* Danke schoen *
235
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,901
Darlin',
Danke schoen
236
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:24,901
I really should
go get Rosie,
237
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:26,634
But I...
238
00:11:26,634 --> 00:11:28,067
I...
239
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,033
I can't.
240
00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:31,200
Picture shows
241
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,300
Second balcony
242
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,200
Was a place
we'd meet
243
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,701
Do I really
sound like that?
244
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,534
You were sweet,
that was it
245
00:11:39,534 --> 00:11:41,400
Honey, honey, honey.
246
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,300
We're just
in the nick.
247
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:46,300
I got to
thank you for
248
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,734
I don't believe it.
249
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:51,234
Wayne Newton would freak
if he saw that loser.
250
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:53,400
Wait. Give the guy
a chance.
251
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,901
He's flashing the teeth.
252
00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:58,467
Oh. He's doing
the point.
253
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,100
He's doing the wink.
254
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:01,667
Work it, baby!
255
00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,801
Work it!
256
00:12:03,801 --> 00:12:05,634
Darlin',
Danke schoen
257
00:12:05,634 --> 00:12:08,334
I got to
thank you for
258
00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:11,267
No. This guy
doesn't even have a mustache.
259
00:12:11,267 --> 00:12:13,267
Wayne Newton
has a mustache.
260
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,734
How did he get
out of Wayne Newton impersonator school
261
00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:18,167
Without a mustache?
262
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:19,901
Still
the memories stay
263
00:12:19,901 --> 00:12:21,400
Uh, hold it, fellas.
264
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,167
Fellas, hold it.
Hold it.
265
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:25,167
Hold it.
Fellas, hold it.
266
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,601
Um, excuse me, ma'am.
267
00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:28,601
I'm sorry if my singing
268
00:12:28,601 --> 00:12:29,667
Is interrupting
your conversation.
269
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:33,501
Not as sorry
as I am.
270
00:12:33,501 --> 00:12:36,334
Ma'am, I'm going
to ask you politely
271
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:37,901
To take your seat.
272
00:12:37,901 --> 00:12:39,167
I'm entertaining.
273
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:44,100
Oh, somebody has
filled your head with lies.
274
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,934
Honey.
275
00:12:45,934 --> 00:12:48,467
Honey, it really
is Wayne Newton.
276
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:51,901
Oh, yeah. Right.
And I'm Lola Falana, Dan.
277
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,834
Well, it's nice
to meet you, miss Falana.
278
00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:59,868
My name
is Wayne Newton.
279
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:02,968
No. My name
is Wayne Newton.
280
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:06,300
No. My name
is Wayne Newton.
281
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:08,234
Dan, Dan. Wayne's
looking at us.
282
00:13:08,234 --> 00:13:10,234
Ask him
for his autograph.
283
00:13:10,234 --> 00:13:11,901
Oh, god. Oh, god.
284
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:15,133
Ladies, I'm glad you're
having such a good time
285
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:17,901
'Cause that's what
we're all here for,
286
00:13:17,901 --> 00:13:20,801
So just sit back
and enjoy the song.
287
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:24,667
Why, are you going
to get somebody else to sing it?
288
00:13:24,667 --> 00:13:25,667
Rosie.
289
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:27,667
Rosie,
that really is Wayne Newton.
290
00:13:27,667 --> 00:13:29,167
Oh, yeah. Right.
291
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,234
It is.
Now, shut up.
292
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:34,234
Ma'am, you ought to
listen to your husband.
293
00:13:34,234 --> 00:13:35,734
Ooh.
294
00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:38,200
Now he's telling me
what to do.
295
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,033
He sounds like
every other man on earth.
296
00:13:41,033 --> 00:13:44,033
Excuse me,
every other man on earth,
297
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:46,901
Except Wayne Newton.
298
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,901
Pardon me, ma'am.
299
00:13:51,901 --> 00:13:55,133
I'll have to ask you
to leave the building.
300
00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:57,133
Hold it.
Don't you touch her.
301
00:13:57,133 --> 00:14:00,067
This woman
doesn't ask for much out of life,
302
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:03,267
But she always
wanted to see Wayne Newton.
303
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:05,200
Tomorrow morning,
she'll wake up
304
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,701
And realize
what happened,
305
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:08,767
And she'll want
to kill herself.
306
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:13,133
And damn it,
I'm not taking that away from her.
307
00:14:13,133 --> 00:14:16,334
There's no way
we're getting out of here.
308
00:14:16,334 --> 00:14:19,801
Dan, I'm going
to be sick.
309
00:14:19,801 --> 00:14:21,901
I'll see you, Wayne.
310
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,601
Oh, one more thing.
311
00:14:25,601 --> 00:14:28,067
Yes, mr. Falana.
312
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:31,200
I'm really sorry
about all this.
313
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,634
I'm a huge fan.
314
00:14:32,634 --> 00:14:34,667
Uh-oh. Dan.
315
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:38,701
I just threw up
on Paul Anka.
316
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,634
Now, there goes
one lucky guy.
317
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,701
O.k. Here's your lunch.
318
00:14:55,701 --> 00:14:57,701
Now get to school.
319
00:14:57,701 --> 00:15:00,701
I got to get
my science project.
320
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:02,701
I made
a great sundial.
321
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:05,567
It was so easy,
just like you said.
322
00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:07,234
[Telephone rings]
323
00:15:07,234 --> 00:15:10,100
Telephone.
324
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:13,000
Thanks. I wouldn't
want to tear you away
325
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,501
From your
nutritious breakfast.
326
00:15:14,501 --> 00:15:16,000
Ah, bite me.
327
00:15:17,334 --> 00:15:18,467
Hello.
328
00:15:18,467 --> 00:15:21,133
Mom? Yeah. I'm fine.
329
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:23,434
Yes, mother.
330
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:26,000
I'll pick you up
at the airport tonight.
331
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,000
No, mom. I'm not
going to forget.
332
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,667
O.k.
Here's my sundial.
333
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:34,434
I Found this part,
but I made the stick.
334
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:39,367
Oh, man.
335
00:15:41,467 --> 00:15:43,634
Uh, Becky.
336
00:15:43,634 --> 00:15:47,501
D.J. Made a sundial
out of birth control pills.
337
00:15:47,501 --> 00:15:48,767
What?
338
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:51,868
Even tells the days
of the week.
339
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:56,167
I got to go, mom.
Love you.
340
00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:58,667
Mom went to Vegas
without these?
341
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,834
She really
is a gambler.
342
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,367
They're not mom's.
343
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:05,467
D.J., Jackie's
probably looking all over for these.
344
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:07,467
You are not
to take these
345
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,968
To school, understand?
346
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,901
Find something else to
make your sundial out of.
347
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:14,801
O.k. I'll put these
back in your drawer.
348
00:16:17,801 --> 00:16:19,734
They're yours?
349
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:20,734
You slut.
350
00:16:20,734 --> 00:16:22,234
Shut up, Darlene.
351
00:16:22,234 --> 00:16:23,801
Oh, my god.
352
00:16:23,801 --> 00:16:25,767
You're doing it
with Mark.
353
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,267
Shut up, Darlene.
354
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:30,267
When your
naked bodies were pressed together,
355
00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:32,267
Were you making
actual words
356
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:34,734
Or just grunting
like animals?
357
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:37,167
Shut up, Darlene.
358
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,767
Mom's going
to love this.
359
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:41,267
Mom already knows.
360
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:44,267
Who do you think
bought me the pills?
361
00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:48,467
Slammer.
362
00:17:01,934 --> 00:17:03,434
Can you
believe this?
363
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:04,934
I specifically
told Arnie
364
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:06,334
To be here at 9:30.
365
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:08,334
See, Dan.
There was no hurry.
366
00:17:08,334 --> 00:17:11,868
I could have thrown up
a few more times.
367
00:17:11,868 --> 00:17:15,133
That's it.
If he's not here in five minutes,
368
00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:17,000
I'm marrying
the 10:15.
369
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:18,934
All right, honey.
Let's roll.
370
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:20,434
Where have you been?
371
00:17:20,434 --> 00:17:22,033
Getting my tux.
372
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:23,334
It came with this.
373
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:27,767
Some guys got to
be blindfolded to get married.
374
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,934
You're not wearing
that costume to my wedding.
375
00:17:30,934 --> 00:17:32,934
I like it.
I'm wearing it.
376
00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:34,901
Good. I hope you
bought it
377
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:36,501
'Cause you'll
be buried in it.
378
00:17:36,501 --> 00:17:38,000
What about you?
379
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,334
It would be great
380
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:42,067
If we were
getting married in a go-go cage.
381
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:44,100
You love
the way I look.
382
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:45,734
You look like
a cheap hooker.
383
00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:48,734
Leave your
old girlfriends out of this.
384
00:17:51,968 --> 00:17:53,968
Can you tell them
we're ready?
385
00:17:53,968 --> 00:17:55,434
Let's go, Arn.
Break.
386
00:17:56,567 --> 00:17:58,067
Run for it, Nance.
387
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:00,501
[The wedding march
plays]
388
00:18:07,601 --> 00:18:09,667
Friends, we are
gathered here
389
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:12,601
To join together these
two wonderful people,
390
00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:15,667
Uh, Nancy Lynne Bartlett
and Arnold Shemp Thomas...
391
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:19,534
In holy matrimony.
392
00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:21,534
Marriage is
a sacred commitment
393
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,968
That should not
be taken lightly.
394
00:18:23,968 --> 00:18:26,968
Do you, Arnie, take this
woman to be your wife...
395
00:18:26,968 --> 00:18:28,467
Look at those two.
396
00:18:28,467 --> 00:18:29,968
They look so happy.
397
00:18:29,968 --> 00:18:32,767
I give it a month.
398
00:18:32,767 --> 00:18:35,400
For better or worse,
for richer, for poorer...
399
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,501
Pretty tricky
how they slip that stuff in,
400
00:18:38,501 --> 00:18:40,434
but who's thinking
about that anyway?
401
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:42,367
When you
first start out,
402
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:45,000
you love a guy,
you marry him.
403
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,434
You have no idea
what you're in for.
404
00:18:47,434 --> 00:18:49,200
Do you, Nancy,
take Arnie to...
405
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,334
But I guess
I did o.k.
406
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:53,334
after 18 years
of marriage,
407
00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:55,901
it is nice
to have a man
408
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:59,501
who'll
hold your head while you barf.
409
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,501
I really
do love him,
410
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:03,000
the big goon.
411
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,067
I know
he loves me.
412
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:08,000
He can't say it
with his shorts on,
413
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,501
But he loves me.
414
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:12,400
Look at the way
he looks at me.
415
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:17,400
Boy, I shouldn't have
had that sausage for breakfast.
416
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,834
I wonder if she's
got any antacid in her purse.
417
00:19:21,834 --> 00:19:24,234
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
418
00:19:24,234 --> 00:19:26,100
You may kiss
the bride.
419
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,434
Slut.
420
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,634
Pig.
421
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:30,868
Congratulations,
Arnie.
422
00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:34,868
Life as you know it
will never be the same.
423
00:19:34,868 --> 00:19:36,868
Thanks for
being here, Dan.
424
00:19:36,868 --> 00:19:38,367
Give him hell,
Nancy.
425
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:39,367
Thanks, Rosie.
426
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,100
Hold it. Hold it.
427
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:43,367
O.k. Now it's
your turn.
428
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:45,100
What do you talking about?
429
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:46,601
A little surprise.
430
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:50,100
We thought
you might want to renew your vows.
431
00:19:50,100 --> 00:19:52,100
You guys are the 10:15.
432
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,267
I already paid
the man.
433
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:57,334
I didn't get to go
to your first wedding
434
00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:59,167
'Cause you didn't
invite me.
435
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,634
Well, what do
you think, Dan?
436
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,300
It couldn't hurt.
437
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,234
Oh, that's just
what you said
438
00:20:06,234 --> 00:20:07,901
when you proposed.
439
00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:09,901
I still mean it,
honey.
440
00:20:09,901 --> 00:20:11,400
So you want to?
441
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,701
Why not?
442
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,667
Friends, we are
gathered here today
443
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:20,934
to join together these
two wonderful people,
444
00:20:20,934 --> 00:20:22,334
Uh...
445
00:20:22,334 --> 00:20:23,868
The Conners.
446
00:20:23,868 --> 00:20:26,400
The Conners
in holy matrimony.
447
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,133
Do you, uh,
Mrs. Conner...
448
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:33,334
Take this man
to love and to honor--
449
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:35,434
We already
did these vows,
450
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:38,834
so this time let's
do something that means something,
451
00:20:38,834 --> 00:20:40,334
Like, uh, o.k.
452
00:20:40,334 --> 00:20:42,334
Um, do you, Dan,
promise
453
00:20:42,334 --> 00:20:45,334
to keep your beard
out of the sink
454
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:47,334
and, uh,
hose yourself off
455
00:20:47,334 --> 00:20:51,334
after you
come home from work every now and then
456
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,868
if I, like, promise
457
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:56,367
to give you
a clean towel in the morning?
458
00:20:56,367 --> 00:20:58,734
O.k. I do.
459
00:20:58,734 --> 00:21:02,801
Do you, Roseanne,
promise to quit buying me goofy shirts
460
00:21:02,801 --> 00:21:04,234
that I don't like
461
00:21:04,234 --> 00:21:08,234
if I promise
to throw the shirts I do like
462
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:09,734
into the hamper?
463
00:21:09,734 --> 00:21:11,167
Cool.
464
00:21:13,033 --> 00:21:15,534
And if you'll
discipline your kids
465
00:21:15,534 --> 00:21:18,567
so that I'm not
always the bad guy,
466
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:21,601
then I'll stop
making fun of your stupid friends.
467
00:21:21,601 --> 00:21:22,934
Sorry, Arnie.
468
00:21:23,968 --> 00:21:25,634
Done.
469
00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:27,634
How about if you
quit saying
470
00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:30,767
you can watch
football anytime during the super bowl
471
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:34,200
and I'll toss you
a compliment on how you look
472
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,701
once in a while
473
00:21:35,701 --> 00:21:37,701
no matter
what you look like?
474
00:21:37,701 --> 00:21:39,701
You think you can
do that?
475
00:21:39,701 --> 00:21:42,200
Yeah. You mean it
about the towels?
476
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,300
Yeah.
477
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:45,334
Did you get that?
478
00:21:45,334 --> 00:21:48,434
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
479
00:21:48,434 --> 00:21:50,567
You may
kiss the bride.
480
00:21:59,968 --> 00:22:02,067
Your breath smells
like sausage.
481
00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:16,834
Some things you can't
be sure about in life
482
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:22,334
The future ain't spelled out
in black and white
483
00:22:22,334 --> 00:22:24,634
It keeps you guessing
484
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,467
It keeps you asking
questions every day
485
00:22:28,467 --> 00:22:31,501
Yeah,
that's our way
486
00:22:31,501 --> 00:22:36,567
But, baby, when you
ask me if I need you
487
00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:39,133
I don't think so
488
00:22:39,133 --> 00:22:42,033
I know so
489
00:22:42,033 --> 00:22:43,300
The way you hold me
490
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:44,567
The love you show me
491
00:22:44,567 --> 00:22:46,367
The way
you make me feel
492
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:49,534
I feel like Dancin'
493
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:53,567
Dancin'
all night long
494
00:22:53,567 --> 00:22:55,534
Within your arms
495
00:22:56,767 --> 00:22:58,167
Well, I'll
prove to you
496
00:22:58,167 --> 00:22:59,367
With a heart
that's true
497
00:22:59,367 --> 00:23:01,801
You'll never have
to wonder if I do
498
00:23:01,801 --> 00:23:04,534
I do know
499
00:23:04,534 --> 00:23:07,501
Don't you
ever doubt...
500
00:23:07,501 --> 00:23:09,634
I was wrong
about you.
501
00:23:09,634 --> 00:23:12,367
You do a really
great Wayne.
502
00:23:13,367 --> 00:23:23,367
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