All language subtitles for Sisters.2015.UNRATED.720p.1080p.BluRay.x264.DRONES

Translated by Macb3th
Griffon's Army Member

You scored yourself
a nice corner. Good job.

Hi. I'm Maura Ellis.

I'm not part of a religious
group or anything.

I'm just a nurse who likes to
give back on her days off.

You know, when you're
living outdoors,

skin cancer
is a real concern.

So I got you
some sunscreen,

and you, my friend,
have some irregular moles.

You're a very
friendly person.

Wanna come to my house
and take a shower?

Maybe make
a list of goals?

Oh, I have a girlfriend.

Great. It's important to have a
lady out there in the street.

What do you call it,
a road bitch or something?

Her name's Karen.

Your little mama?
Your street wife?

(SIGHS) Anyway,

I'm pretty good
with sayings,

so I make these cards for my sister,
but I think maybe you could use one.

Without the dark night, we would
never see the bright stars.

Is this from Twilight?

No, I made it up.

Mmm, no, you didn't.

Yeah, I did.

See you later.

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Hey!

You're not homeless?

You were on a roll.

Well, give me back
the sunscreen

so I can give it
to an actual homeless person!

Like this lady.

Fuck off!
I'm the manager here.

0 for 2.

MAURA: Polenta!
Come get your dinner.

(LAPTOP RINGING)

Mom?

Hi. Can you hear me?
(MEOWING)

BUCKY: Hiya, kid.
What are you up to today?

Dad, come in front of the
camera so I can see you.

DEAN NA: How are things
at the hospital, honey?

We heard that Atlanta
had a terrible storm.

Garage sale.
Okay.

Can you guys both sit in front
of the camera when you talk

so that I can see you and
hear you at the same time?

We don't get this Skype crap.
There's nothing to get.

You're doing it.
DEANNA: Maura,

we have some news.

Maura, we have some news.

Oh, my God. Who's sick?
BUCKY: Oh, for cry-eye, Maura.

Relax!

We decided

to sell the house.

Yeah, okay. Funny joke.
What's the news?

We are.
We're selling it.

The one we grew up in?

Are you selling it
to each other?

No, honey.

Why would you do that? DEANNA:
We don't want it anymore.

It's too big. Look,
if this is some kind

of financial thing, I can
help you out with money.

DEAN NA: No, honey.

All we need you to do is to
come and clean out your bedroom

because it's
a bottomless pit.

Okay. I can come. Just don't
make a move until I get there.

Does Kate know about this?

BUCKY: We haven't
told her yet.

You two take news
so differently.

We wondered if maybe

you should tell her.

Because we don't want to.

Why do I always
have to be the one?

Oh, shit.

I think you guys froze.
Hold on. Can you hear me?

Hello?

You're blinking.
You're fake freezing.

Unbelievable. Just call her.
You're her parents.

(SNEEZES)

Dad! Let it go.

KATE: See, where most stylists
blow it is they color your hair

but they leave your Santa eyebrows.
Hmm.

They half-ass it,
but I'm a perfectionist.

Thank you.

So why are we covering
this gray today, Phil?

Well, I have a date with an engaging
new gal, somewhat younger than me.

Good for you, because ladies
your age are gross, right?

Well, I just hope it looks natural.
It smells very strong.

No. It's super gentle.
They use it on pageant babies.

Mom! I'm home!

(SHRIEKS)

My daughter's home! She has
been gone half the summer.

I'll be right back. If it feels
like it's burning, it's working.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

Wow!
(LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTS) You have been gone for so long!
Did you get taller?

I've only been gone a month, and I
stopped growing a long time ago.

Um, is this supposed
to be getting warm?

Let it cook, Phil.

HALEY: Um...

Mom?

Why are you doing some guy's
hair in the bathroom?

Huh? P.S. this does not feel right.
Hello.

(HISSING)

Why aren't you
doing it in a salon?

Please don't tell me
you quit your job again.

I didn't quit! All right.

You know that dipshit lady
on Channel Eleven

who does the segments
where she tries new things?

Yeah. Go on.
Well, she wanted bangs,

but then afterwards she decided
that she didn't want bangs.

And my manager
started bitching me out,

so I shoved him and his American
Girl Doll glasses broke.

Okay. So you got fired.

Why do you keep
doing this, Mom?

You wanna have
a cereal party?

No, I don't. I want you to be
responsible so that I don't have to be.

It is too stressful

sleeping with you on a pull-out
couch in your friend's dining room.

She is not my friend.
She was our bug man.

I need to learn
to be more irresponsible

otherwise I'm going to be
hazed so bad in college.

It's bubbling
like Pop Rocks.

I'm gonna stay at Annie's house again.
All right.

Okay, that's a lie because Annie
is in Italy with her family.

I know how
to use Facebook.

I will keep sending you pictures
so that you know that I'm safe.

No. You cannot just leave again
and not tell me where you are.

You know why I don't tell
you where I'm going?

Because you'll show up there and you'll
make a big scene like a hothead!

I am not a hothead!
I am brassy.

I love you, Mom, but your life
is just too chaotic right now.

It is not chaotic.
DANA: Kate!

Is this your waxing strip?

I don't know, Dana.
It must be a client's.

My dog had this
in his feces.

(WHIMPERS) And before
I could stop him

he ate the poop with the
waxing strip in it again.

And then he threw that up. Okay.

You know how many times a day
I kiss that dog on the mouth?

An unsettling amount.

Now when I kiss him,

I'm gonna picture
that he ate

some stranger's pubes.

And it's gonna affect
my relationship with him.

KATE: on, boy.

All right. Let's bring this
in for a landing, Dana.

You get out of here
by tomorrow.

(STAMMERS)
You're done!

Where the hell am I gonna go?
(BARKING)

You wanna explain that
to my daughter?

Haley?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Shit.

(SHOUTS) Haley?

Haley!

Okay, Haley, just come back up,
and we will talk about this.

Hey, it's me.

Hello? This is very
unprofessional.

Hey. I can't talk right now.

Real quick.
Mom and Dad called.

Ugh, what now?

What's up?
Everything all right?

No, I don't need lotion in there.
(SHUSHES)

Yeah, you do need lotion
in there.

Hey, here's something fun.

Mom and Dad
want us to come down.

They need us to clear out
some of our old bedroom stuff.

Why? They have other rooms.

MAURA: I don't know. Maybe
they wanna get a treadmill.

(SCOFFS) A treadmill? Mom can't
even sit right on a couch.

I'm just gonna shape them real quick.
All right.

Yeah, no. I can't afford to
come to Orlando right now.

Well, I'll send you money
for the flight.

Come to Orlando.
Ellis sisters reunion.

Coming home always makes
things better.

That's actually
a really good idea.

Tell me the truth.

Next stop, Orlando Airport.
Thank you for riding Greyhound.

AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ON PA: Please
maintain contact with your baggage.

All unattended baggage
will be confiscated.

Hey. Could I get
a small glass of tequila?

Like a shot of tequila?

Yeah, a shot.
Just keeping it classy.

Paging Mr. Herman.

Oh, Mr. Pee-wee Herman!

(KATE SHRIEKS)

Look at you.
Hi!

MAURA: Look at you.
KATE: Uh-uh, uh-uh.

What's going on?
Nothing.

Wow, turn it around. This is soft.
(CHUCKLES)

You look great.
No.

I look like a dead deer
bloated on the highway.

No. You look like a pretty
deer who's still alive.

Mmm. But also,
just recently hit.

(SNORTING)

Your hair is long! It's
so mermaid-y. Yeah.

Oh, I got a whole intricate sewn-in
system under there, but it's human.

Okay, well, you have to be
careful when you get fake hair

because some countries give their
young girls chicken hormones

and make them grow it in
their basements. (SCOFFS)

Do they get paid?
Because I would do that.

Hey, honey. I'm sure
you're out having fun

but I'm dying to see that
photo you were gonna send me.

She's having such a great summer,
but I think she's getting homesick.

I'm sure she misses you.
I miss her.

Like, in my body.

Mmm. She'll be back soon.

What's your deal?
Been doing anything fun?

Yeah. Rescue dogs
have so many hidden skills.

I've been teaching Polenta
how to smell diabetes.

You've been divorced
for two years.

You should at least be going to
Chili's with your work friends

or some such basic shit,

instead of spending the night on
Skype dates with Mom and Dad.

I've been having
a lot of fun.

I've been teaching myself
how to make cheese.

I'm fine. I'm really good.
I'm real good.

What about you? Do you have
a job or a place to live?

I got an idea that's gonna solve everything.
Haley's gonna flip.

What's your idea?

I think we should move down here and
live with Mom and Dad for a while.

(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

(BOTH SINGING) Give a little
bit of heart and soul

Give a little bit
of love to grow

Give a little bit
of heart and soul...

(BOTH MUMBLING LYRICS)

Holy Moses with his balls out.

Is that Kate Ellis
I'm looking at?

Maybe.

(LAUGHS) Hey, look at you.

Come on, Dave Blackmon! I was
a senior, you were a junior.

I lingered back so we could
be seniors together?

You were my first non-hand
I ever did it with.

Oh, my God. Yes.
I swallowed your earring.

That was a true honor.

Aw, thank you. Thank you.

Wow. Somebody told me
you died.

That's crazy. That's the second
person that's said that to me.

Hmm, you should
check it out.

You know, I'm a known
alcoholic in this area

but I still talk about those Ellis
Island parties, baby. (VOCALIZES)

Such good times, right?

Yeah. You scaling that
fireplace with them heels?

Oh, man. That was
a beautiful sight, baby.

And who's this
fine-ass female?

Hi, Dave. I'm Maura,
Kate's younger sister.

I held your mullet back one time
when you were vomiting at our party

so you wouldn't impale your
face on our cactus garden.

(LAUGHING) No. Shit. Those
were fun times, though,huh?

Yeah. You know, in a way.

You sure bloomed
into a juicy peach, holy...

Thank you, Dave.

KATE: So is this
your liquor store?

Oh, you know, I got some stock,
I got some handshake options.

Because you heard
what happened, right?

My mobile townhouse
got ate by a sinkhole.

No.
Eaten by a sinkhole?

Mmm-hmm.
That is a Florida heartbreak.

Wow, the Ellis sisters, man. What
a sandwich that would be, huh?

If I could tell my friends that that went down.
(LAUGHS) Oh, man.

What do you think?

Who? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

Just putting it out there. Listen,
life is about putting it out there.

And then swatting it away.
Isn't it?

Sometimes it stays out there.
Where you put it.

And then sometimes it goes
right into the trash.

So that's, like, a no.
I understand.

I think we should go.
Great to see you, Dave.

Just putting it out there.
Yeah, okay.

KATE: Nice to see you, man.
I'm glad you're alive.

Thank you.
You look, uh, weathered.

You look like
underpass weathered.

DAVE: Yeah. Thank you,
I guess. Yeah.

So listen, is there, like, urn, friends
and family discount at this place?

Oh, yeah.
Two finger discount.

(KATE CHUCKLES)
MAURA'. Oh ...

That made my legs feel weird.
Just unbridled filth.

MAURA: Gross! DAVE: Hey, you
know how it is. (LAUGHS)

KATE: Bye, Dave! Whoo!

The party just got back
to O-Town!

MAURA: (SHOUTING) Okay!

It's cicada season,
so keep your mouth shut. Whoo!

(KATE AND MAURA CHEERING)

KATE: Are you ready
for this jelly, Whorelando?

MAURA: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

MAURA: Hey!
(KATE CHEERING)

(MAURA AND KATE CHEERING)

KATE: Ellis sisters
in the house!

Hey!

Oh, sweaty man.
We have to flirt.

Slow it down
for a groove-by.

Hey.

What urp? Hey.

Burying your wife?

(CHUCKLES) Um...
KATE: Can I ask you something?

My sister and I...
Hey.

...are busy professionals,
looking for an "yard artisan"

to do some work on our bushes?

You are working.
We will not bother you. Sorry.

KATE: (WHISPERING)
Jump on my bush joke.

I just made that up!
Put another Jenga on it.

I bet working on other people's bushes
really makes you wanna whack your weeds.

That was dirtier
than I thought.

I'm sorry. That got
dirty really fast.

Don't apologize,
I like that.

I actually own this house.

You live here with your wife?

Your wife's a bitch
for not helping you.

JAMES: Uh, I...

I'm single, actually.
Oh.

Well, we're not
making fun of you.

We're flirting with you,
because you're really sweaty.

I'm a solid guy. I don't mind
being the butt of your jokes.

Good. You will be the butt of our
jokes, because your butt is no joke.

Okay.

MAURA: I'm not laughing at that butt.
I'll laugh with your butt.

I'm gonna laugh in that butt.

I'm gonna laugh.

(INHALES) I'm gonna...
l love to...

My butt's funny, too,

but your butt
is really serious.

Your butt is like
an hour-long drama.

Your butt's as serious
as The Wire.

MAURA: I mean, I can't wait
to watch your butt on DVD.

I'm gonna binge-watch
your butt when I have the flu.

Time to drive away.
Great.

Yeah, um, so...

You ever buy Poppin' Fresh Dough?
Yeah.

Remember the sound it makes?
JAMES: Yeah.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

KATE: And that's how you do it.
MAURA: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

What the hell is a sold sign
doing on our front yard?

MAURA: Sold?

No!

They talked about
putting it on the market.

Did you know about this
and not tell me?

Why don't people
tell me things?

They spoke to me about it,
and we were considering it.

They fucking sold our fucking
childhood fucking home.

I can't believe they did this
without consulting me.

This home should have
been passed on.

I'll talk them out of it. It's okay.
It's not okay!

Because my great idea
just got fucked in the a-hole!

Welcome to my life!

(GRUNTING)

Damn it. Shit!

(SCREAMING)
Fuck! Shit, fuck!

Balls!

KATE: What the...

Totally shady.

Where are the curtains
with the fruit on them?

She was gonna give
all this stuff away?

I'm sorry,
I'm keeping this colander.

KATE: Heartless.

Where's the fucking
manatee lamp I made?

(KATE WRETCHES)

I'm sorry.

This was not our doing.

They were gonna give away
the foldy yardstick?

Absolutely hell no.

KATE: Where in the hell
are Mom's tiny, ceramic shoes?

MAURA: This is just
so not okay.

So now some asshole family gets
to play in our sister tree?

Fuck no.

Where are our parents?

KATE: This nursing home better not
smell urine-y, like a death-cafeteria.

MAURA: It's not a nursing home,
it's an adult community.

It's called
Village Du Soleil,

which in French means
"in the sun."

Old people aren't supposed
to be in the sun! So stupid.

Yeah, Mom and Dad,
eat a pyramid of dicks.

Sit on a bunch of pinecones.

If I see Mom in one of those
one-chair beauty shops,

I will full-out BJ
a hot curling iron.

Rowdy seniors and booze by a lake?
That's a recipe for disaster.

If they have shower chairs
at this granny farm,

I will slit my throat
and put it on YouTube.

MAURA: You failed
to mention your plan.

Why didn't you tell me
that you sold the house?

Because we knew you'd try
to talk us out of it.

I mean, you were pushy kids.

You're selling your clocks,
by the way?

What, are you secretly dying?

No, I'm not dying.
I'm just sick of winding them.

Hey, I want Pop-Pop's
grandfather clock.

Where are you going to keep it?
In your purse?

The things in that house
meant something to us.

Each one of those objects is a puzzle
piece in the story of our lives.

We just don't want
clutter anymore.

Then what the fuck is this?

MAURA: Clutter?
You don't want clutter?

Clutter has a name.

And it's Pogee,
the Christmas Tree Elf.

You take him. We're gonna
get a tabletop tree.

(GROANING AND SCREAMING)

DEANNA: Honestly... MAURA: We
can't have Christmas here!

It feels good to purge.

And we downloaded
all our pictures!

You threw away
our baby pictures?

No!

We sold them to the gay
man at the flea market

who turns them
into funny cards.

And your father
put them on this.

So I just stick this
up my vagina

and then I can see
the pictures?

Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop.
What?

She's being funny,
because this is so crazy.

What I think we all need
to do is go to lunch.

And then we can discuss if selling
the house is the best plan for us.

"Us" is happy
with the decision. Mmm?

DEANNA: You two
go whoop it up.

No, don't go whoop it up.
It's all spiffed out.

It needs to stay that way
for the inspection on Monday.

If you have to poo,
go to Arby's.

I can't go to the bathroom at restaurants.
You know that.

All right, all right.
I understand.

If she's gonna poop at the house,
I wanna poop at the house.

Yeah... All right, you can
both poop at the house.

I like Arby's.

You know, let's just all agree
that this is a bad idea.

Listen to me. We're gonna take
you to dinner tomorrow night.

Not gonna spend one last
night together in the house?

Okay, I think...
Maura, cool it.

It's a done deal.

Done.

I got lured down here
for this?

I don't clean up after myself anymore.
I'm an adult.

(SIGHS)

This is gonna be
deeply painful.

(SIGHS)

Oh, boy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(awe-some) Holy shit.

Gimme!

Ooh, listen to this.

(READING) "I got in a wreck
because I was admiring

"the shoulder hickey
that Brett gave me

"and got t-boned
by a parked car.

"Brett came over to comfort me
and I'm so obsessed with him.

"His face smells
like Sea Breeze

"and his hair is so long
that when I make outwith him

"I pretend it's a scarf.

"P.S. I might be pregnant."

That shit is juicy.
Read yours.

Okay.

(SNIFFS)

(READING) "I changed the grit
on my rock tumbler today.

"The amethyst
is really shaping up.

"I'm gonna mount it
in a bolo tie for Dylan.

"He got a new neck brace to
stretch his melting vertebrae.

"He loved his birthday card.

"Especially how I burnt
the edges of the scroll.

"P.S. Crafting heals."

Huh.

KATE: (READING) "Last night at the party,
I danced so hard my bra was soaking wet.

"Jeff and I were flirting, and then
he said, 'Let me show you something.'

"So we went to my room,
and guess what he showed me?

"A ween that is still
wearing its hat."

Mmm. Your turn.

Wow. How many times did you
have sex in this house?

KATE: You should have
had sex here.

Having sex in your childhood
bedroom is a rite of passage.

You chose the party mom role
to protect yourself from fun.

No! I was not afraid of fun.

Here, check this out.

(READING)
"Happy birthday to me.

"My party was amazing.
I got what I asked for.

"I am now a sponsor
of a child in Ecuador.

"I was the designated driver because I
could tell no one else wanted to be.

"My favorite birthday gift was
knowing everyone got home safe."

KATE: (READING) "Last night was so
fun I can't even talk about it.

"There are no, period,
words, period."

Man, I couldn't even
talk about it!

(READING) "I took my deaf
friend to the Sheila E. concert

"so she could really
feel the music.

"She was so grateful.

"I didn't smoke pot because I was afraid
there wasn't enough for everyone."

Oh, come on.

I miss those
goddamn glory days.

Well, clearly,
we had different experiences.

Oh, here's a play-by-play
of a Jerry Lewis telethon.

Here's a chart of all
the penises I ever saw.

Oh, good. Here's a quote
from Helen Keller.

Here's really incorrect information
about how to put a IUD in.

Here's a list
of my houseplants.

Put it in my butt.
Ew.

I swear I was having fun.

I guess I was just making sure
the house didn't get destroyed.

It's a damn shame that you
never had your night here.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
THROUGH MUSIC BOX)

We cannot have a party.

A party? (SCOFFS)

That's a great idea.
No.

You can't avoid putting
yourself out there forever!

You're gonna dry up
like a granny apple doll.

The house is sold.

No, it's not working.

Kate! Don't make that face.

Do not work me like this! I hate
it when you make me the bummer.

My life is super shitty right now.
I need to feel happy again.

Ah... (GROANS)

Fine. Let's just brush
our remaining teeth

and call it a sad, hard day
for two dusty old twats.

Because we're done.

(SIGHS)

(LULLABY PLAYING
THROUGH NIGHTLIGHT)

Also? P.S. It would be such an easy way for
you to pop your post-divorce flirt cherry.

I would love
to see you let it rip.

You're such a fun
as shit little sister.

I really am so fun.

I shouldn't keep that to myself.
No, you shouldn't!

(MUFFLED) I think maybe
we should do it.

Can't hear you.

I said maybe
we should have a party.

KATE: Say what
I wanna hear, girl!

MAURA: (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God. I don't know!

Okay, let's do it.
(SCREAMS) Let's have a party!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Oh, and you can invite
that cute neighbor guy

and you can finally have sex
in your old, crappo bed!

Yeah, but he's younger
than me.

Yeah, but he's taller than you,
and that's all that matters.

Oh, my God. I need this
night to reset myself!

(YELLING)
We are having a party!

(BOTH YELLING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(CLOCKS CHIMING)

(MUMBLES) How'd you sleep?

I dreamt I had no job
and no place to live.

Oh, wait.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Got a picture from Haley.

Well, Her friend has a fancy-ass
fireplace in her house.

MAURA: No, it's one of those
Cosi Sandwich Shops.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Oh. Who the crap is that?

MAURA". Are those
the new owners'?

KATE: Ew. Fuck my life.
MAURA: Gross!

MRS. GEERNT: I want the front
yard to be open-concept.

MR. GEERNT: That old tree
has gotta go.

Oh, you just try to take down our
sister tree, you stupid stinkbug!

KATE: I can smell that bitch's
hairspray from here.

No, they can't fucking roll in
here like Jehovah's Witnesses!

(MAURA STAMMERS)
KATE: Rude.

What?

Can we help you?
Yes.

Our secretary didn't tell us
that we had an appointment.

Oh, I'm Patrick Campbell.
This is Jane and Henry Geernt.

They're relocating from New York
City and buying this house.

So, are you their interpreter?

If so, please tell them
hello for us.

They just want to see what these
blues look like on the sun porch.

What do you mean? Sun porch?
PATRICK: Mmm-hmm.

Are you even old enough
to get a mortgage?

Oh, yes. But we're
buying it with cash.

You're painting
the sun porch? No.

It's a little
"country" for us.

Can you let your parents know that if
things like this aren't fixed by Monday,

we're gonna have a real issue
following through with the sale.

(STAMMERS) Yeah.
That won't be okay.

I got a question.

What percentage of your
wardrobe is dry clean only?

Seventy-eight?

You guys seem like
you wear a lot of linen.

What kind of hot moron
paints a sun porch?

Why don't you just put a toilet in
the living room and call it a day?

Crazy!

Is that dress from Target?

Um, no... 'Cause I've seen
one like it at Target.

I've never
been there before.

You know there was
a murder here, right?

No. What? I don't.

Major cult stuff. Yeah.

What, like a mass murder?

Seven?
Okay.

Seven sets of twins.

So, 14.
I'm sorry. What?

You know
your cousin's gay, right?

That's not my cousin.
That's my husband.

That's your husband?

You're gonna have some surprising
shit go down in about 10 years.

You ever feel like maybe
you peaked too soon?

No, I don't.
'Cause it's a long life.

And I would hate to see you out
there blowing hobos at 40.

Thank you.

Blue?

What would possess a person
to paint stained wood blue?

What, were you raised
on a tugboat?

I'll drop off the paint later.
Unless you'll be day-napping.

We sleep with our eyes
open, like sharks.

KATE: Bye! Nice to meet you!

MAURA: Smell you later.

KATE: What kind
of last name is Geernt?

Geernt. Sounds like
a queef on a yoga ball.

Yeah. More like the last sound you
hear before you shit your pants.

(YELLS) Oh, my God. (GASPS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

(BOTH LAUGH)

MAURA: Okay. Let's start
working on those invites.

Okay, let's see
who we got. Okay.

KATE: Vicka Bastione.
MAURA: Yeah.

No on Alex. He's always on.
It's annoying as fuck.

I know. He breaks my heart.
He wants to be funny, though.

Yeah, well, people in hell
want ice water, too.

Dave. I did him because he
disgusted me in a sexy way.

Short Hispanic guys always
acted like I was Xena.

I bet he has, like,
50 DUIs right now.

KATE: Brinda is a hard no.

That monster and her minions
are not coming.

Why is she a monster?

KATE: She knows what she did.

Okay. Rob and Liz!

KATE: They used to have sex
in the weirdest places.

MAURA: He took her from behind
in line at graduation.

They could use a party.
They are terminally suburban.

KATE: Kelly.
That bitch is fun.

Yeah.
Kelly is fun!

Kelly is fun.

(CLICKING)

So, we should go!
We have so much to do.

You have to invite that cute
guy from down the street.

Mmm. Maybe.
I don't know. We'll see.

Have a great day, Fran.

Oh, my God.
It's Brinda.

KATE: Ugh...

Brinda always looks like she has
a fart coming out sideways.

I feel bad that we didn't invite her. I
hate it when people aren't included.

Oh, God. What if she asks
us to come to the party?

I'm not gonna be able
to say no to her face.

You know I can't reject people.
I have a dog with one eye.

Here she comes. She's coming close.
She's right here.

She's almost here.
She's here now.

Hey, Brinda.
What up?

Well, well, well.

I thought I saw
the Ellis sisters.

Hey, Brinda.
What have you been up to?

Not party-wise,
just life in general.

Not much. Just, you know,
building a career.

Being successful and having a
really full and wonderful life.

I'm very blessed.

I'm sure you've seen around town, I'm
a pretty successful realtor now.

I'm plastered
all over the bus stops.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

I thought you were missing. I saw
your picture on the bus stop.

I just assumed
you were missing.

And you? What are you up to?
Nothing?

We are on the way to a shelter
to give people this party food.

Oh, is that why you're
dressed like the homeless?

What are you buying?
Stool softener?

No. Actually, um,
Diet Coke.

Got some Poise Pads
in there I see.

Good. Little asshole cream.
No.

Don't you look great.
That's a snazzy belt.

Oh, thank you!

Yeah, congrats on
your wrestling championship.

It's Ralph Lauren.

Is that how you say it?
Uh,yeah.

Do you get
good Wi-Fi with that?

So I see
you're having a party.

I mean, we're just
kind of picking...

Yep. Having a party.
Yeah.

I heard you were
having a party.

From someone
who got invited.

You were on our list, but
you're very hard to track down.

MAURA: Are you on email?

Uh, it's B-dot-rinda...

That's what I did wrong.
I forgot the dot.

And we forgot to type it.
(STAMMERING)

And also
we didn't send it.

(CHUCKLES) I must admit,

when I heard you were having
an Ellis Island party

I was like,
"What? What year is it?"

It's pretty sad.

It used to hurt me when you never
invited me to any of your parties,

but I did a lot of thinking
and a little bit of prayer,

and now I just feel
sort of bad for you two.

You know, because it's
such a desperate event.

(LAUGHS) Bye.

You're a desperate event!

I can still hear you!

KATE: Good.
Can you hear this?

Suck a fucking bag
of dicks!

She can't hear that.

KATE: Strutting around Big
Lots like it's Bloomingdale's

in her bullshit shoes.

Real estate bitch
acting like Suze Orman.

You know what she has?
Crabs in her eyebrows.

Tumbleweeds
rolling across her beav.

I am done wasting words
on that ho.

I'm sorry, Vicky.
Don't apologize for me.

Is Vicky your real name?

What's your Korean name?

(WHISPERS) Hae-Won.

Hae-Won. What a beautiful name.
What does that mean?

Hae-Won mean "head."

Oh.

Hae-Won?
Am I saying it correctly?

Hae-Won.

Oh, Hae-Won.

No. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.

Not Hae-Won. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
No. Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.

Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.

I feel like
I'm saying it right. No?

I'm too high. (DEEP
VOICE) Hae-Hae-Won.

Yes.

It's not coming out right,
but I'll get it.

Like, "I'm having fun
at party."

"Hey." Plus "one."

Hey one.

So you like parties.
HAE-WON: Yes.

Hmm.

Your name?
Oh, my name is Maura.

Maura.

Watch me. Maura.

(GROWLING) Maura.

I don't open my mouth like that.
(CHUCKLES) Just, Maura.

Maura.

It's not Maura.

You see the difference
in my mouth? Maura.

(GROWLING) Maura.

We have different mouths.

It's okay.

Why do they always have to give
them American names? It's so sad.

I bet Nail Pimp Daddy over there
treats them like his whores.

We need to get Lucy Liu to go under...
Lisa Ling.

Lisa Ling to go undercover and
investigate these dirty-ass nail salons.

But they are hiring and you
are licensed to do nails.

I don't wanna work here. They
have a bass in their aquarium.

It's beautiful here. Everything
smells Like lavender.

Plus, you could teach them a
lot, because you know your shit.

I do know my shit.

I could French manicure a chicken
while it was running away.

Guess I could get something
better once we're settled, right?

Exactly! And then just wait
until you get that better job

before you quit this one.

I'm open to new ways.

Your sister?

Yes, that's my sister.

You're older.

No.
Yes.

Why would you say that?

Your face.

Oh.

Older.

No.
Yes.

Okay.

(SIGHS) So, do you like
working here?

I love it.

Do you get proper
lunch breaks?

What is lunch?

Oh, my God.
That's terrible.

Hey.

Thank you so much for this.
This is a great place.

NAIL SALON OWNER: Of course.

So, uh, I see you're hiring.

Oh, we are not
hiring right now.

You just got
a big old sign.

Hey, Hae-Won. Would you like
to come to a party tonight?

You and your friends
come, okay?

To do nail?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Party?

You can bring
whoever you want.

Party, yes.

Sojus.
Jews.

Soju there? Sure.
There'll be Jews there.

I love jus.
Koreans love jus.

Koreans love Jews.

I love jus.
I love Jews, too.

Jus.

Adam is thinking of coming, and
Gabe is on the fence, so...

Soju.

I'm worried we aren't talking
about the same thing.

Juice. Drinking juice.
HAE-WON: Jus.

You stupid.

There'll be juice there. There'll be food there.
There'll be Jews there.

Okay. Yes.
Great.

Okay, listen. My daughter
and I are moving to Orlando

and I really need a job.

Oh, no.

Okay, look. Just smile and shake
my hand like you gave me a job

and I will text you
a picture of my boobs.

Real good ones.
High and happy.

No? I misread your deal.

Smile and shake my hand

(WHISPERING) or I will text
you a picture of my boobs,

and I know you don't
wanna see them.

(CHUCKLES)

Awesome! Thank you, Vicky.

I will see you on Monday.

Boom! I got a job.

And look what I pulled out of your wallet.
"Success is desire in action."

Amazing! You're crushing it!

Whoo!

KATE: We need to cancel dinner
with Mom and Dad.

What if we lie to Mom and Dad and
then they die in their sleep?

Don't let them
smell your guilt.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Girls.

Hey, Mom, we are doing
so much work over there

and doing nothing else,
and I am telling the truth.

Well.

I was just, um, putting the
silverware in the drawers here.

Hey, we can't
have dinner tonight.

Yeah, because we're in such packing
mode we don't wanna stop our groove.

Sounds good!

Oh.

No. We've...

Okay!

KATE: Bye.
We're leaving!

Did we just cock block
our parents?

They were fresh
off the sex griddle.

There was so much
color in her face.

Hey, see you tonight! You know, I'm
laying down a bread base. (CHUCKLES)

So I wanna stop by Sam and
Cray's house, real quick.

Oh, I haven't seen those homos
since high school!

I know.

They said that we could borrow those
cool chairs they had at their wedding.

Gays know
how to throw a party.

Go to Costco,
get a pan of hot wings.

Get some big,
basic salamis.

Or just make a fuckload
of potato salad.

With Tostitos Scoops.

It's like a spoon
you can eat.

Obviously, it's the gay men who
have the great party ideas.

I wish being gay was a choice because I
always did like that shorts and boots look.

Yeah, I don't know.

For me, the deal breaker might
be the eating of the pussy.

Oh, really? Because for me it would just be
the fucking unbearable amount of talking.

Bye,guys!

(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING)

Hmm, what do you think,
Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

I never met a Brayla before.

I know, like, three.

Oh, so you're trending.
God bless.

You know, it's a lot of under teat but
I think I'm getting away with it.

Also it's, um, on backwards.

You think?
Yeah.

How's it going in there?

I don't get this dress.

One of my apples
keeps rolling out of the bag.

But I like the story
it tells with the fringe.

You're gonna have to rock a
thong with this, though.

Oh, no, I don't wear thongs.
I have a very fussy taint.

You just have to build up a callus.
Right, Brayla?

That looks amazing on you.

I worry that she just wants the sale.
She's not telling us the truth.

No. Brayla has no pleasure center in her brain.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, here we go.

Haley!
How-slash-where are you?

HALEY: You can trust me.

lam at a friend's house.

So I got your text message

about moving in with Gram and Gramps,
and you know I love Orlando.

I'm super excited about this!

Yeah, you know what? I was
real excited about it, too,

and it turns out that Gram and
Gramps are selling their house.

Oh...

Okay, I like that it
has a strong message,

but I am afraid that I'm gonna
zip my bush up in there.

We can still make Orlando happen. I
promise, I will find another way.

Don't be upset.

Okay, give it to me.

Hey, honey. It's Maura. Hey.

Listen, your mom forgot to tell
you the most important part,

which is that she got a job out
here at a very fancy nail salon.

Ream]?
MAURA". Yes.

Try something on.

So I think maybe you should come here
earlier next week, and surprise her.

She really misses you.

Aunt Maura, I don't know.
I don't know.

Haley, I know I said that I was
going to help you for a while,

but now you have to get
back with your mother.

I hate keeping secrets.

Especially from my sister.
It gives me guilt diarrhea.

Okay. But what should I do
with Polenta?

MAURA: The dog-sitter's number
is on the counter.

Use my credit card, and get
a flight, and come here.

It's gonna work this time,
honey, I promise.

Okay, if you think so.

I love you.
Love you, too.

HALEY: Bye.

Haley's good.
It's all fine.

Aw. That's awesome. Thanks.

These dresses are made for
Chinese tomboys, by the way.

I don't know
about that one.

Really, because
what about this part?

(VOCALIZES)

That's a Play-Doh Fun
Factory right there. Ooh.

And the eye goes right to it.
Yeah, look at that.

(VOCALIZES)

That is flesh, and dudes like that. They
don't care what thing it's coming out of.

MAURA: This dress
smells like pickles.

Better work.

It just feels like
it's maybe one or the other.

I think it's what they call
"either/and."

No, I don't. Well...

Right, Brayla?
Brayla, where you from?

That looks amazing on you.
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

We got to find another store,
they can't handle our heat here.

God. We need, like, a little less "Forever
21" and a little more "Suddenly 42."

Yeah. We are
keeping it tight.

It is tight.
This is very tight.

Here, give me a kiss.

(KISSING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

MAURA: Wait. Where are we going?
KATE: One last errand.

Get it, girl.
What?

Oh, my God. Damn it. I knew it!
You never offer to drive.

Ask him. "Desire needs action," or
whatever the fuck that one said.

I don't have my good bra on.
I have beef jerky breath.

Okay. Okay.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm, uh, Maura,
from yonder there.

My sister and I
objectified you yesterday?

I remember you.

I'm James.
Hi, James.

Do you go by Jimmy?

Usually James,
sometimes James.

Well, just wanted to say hello.
And that's all I got, so.

(HORN HONKING)

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

Would you borrow me
your bathroom?

Number one only.

Of course, come in. You can do
whatever you want in there, really.

MAURA: WOW.

I am actually just renovating it,
I'm gonna put it on the market.

Wow. You're doing a really nice job.
Oh, thank you.

It was my parents' house, but they
passed away within a year of each other.

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Yeah. Yeah,
it was really sad.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm sorry. It's just that's,
like, my worst fear.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry I told you. I'm
sorry you had to find out this way.

My legs just went numb.

I'll be okay.

Uh, do you still
need the bathroom?

I think I'm too sad
to go now.

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

(SIGHS) Hey, who's this guy?

Oh, that's Mashed Potatoes.

I'm pretty mad
at him right now.

Hey!

Would you like to
flank me at a party

that I'm attending at
my own house tonight?

Him or me?

Oh, you.
Yeah, yeah.

Ah, maybe. What time?

8:30. 8:45. 9:00.

You know, it doesn't matter.
I'm pretty laid back.

Okay, okay. Let me just, uh,
check my calendar real quick.

You're lucky. lam free.

(IN FAKE ITALIAN ACCENT)
Well, that's a good news!

I'm not Italian. I don't know
why I said it like that.

No, I like Italians.

Okay. I'm half-Italian.

No, I'm not. That was a lie.

So, then I...
There, yeah. Okay.

You will come to the party

and I cannot stop
trailing off.

All right.
But I will now.

I'm just gonna casually George
Jefferson my way out of here.

To you.

And just gonna ease on down the
road and re-run it to the car.

Okay, goodbye.
JAMES: Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Bye!

MAURA: Kate, let me in.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Why?

We were measuring
for a pergola.

What, like Polish food? I'm sorry,
are you having a party here?

Nope.
Nope.

It really looks like
you're having a party.

Oh, Gosh. I hate to make
you feel like a dick,

but this is
actually for a wake.

I am very sorry to hear that.

Yeah. We always told our cousin,
"Don't play on the tracks."

Dear God.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Obviously,
our cousin was a dumb-ass.

But we will miss her.
Him.

Herm. His name was Herm.

KATE: They found his head,
like, a mile away.

I think he's probably gonna
haunt the house forever.

Headless and angry.
Yeah.

MR. GEERNT: lam not buying
that bull waste.

KATE: That's a girl's belt.

Rich people can just decide
to move somewhere.

Choke on a roll of cash.

So I've been thinking.

Why?

You've asserted yourself,
and you got a job,

so maybe I could
give you a loan.

To get a new place.

When you say, "loan," do you
mean the kind you pay back,

or, like, a "wink-wink" loan?

All loans are
supposed to be paid back.

Not in my experience.

But you can do that now
because you have a job.

(SING-SONG) I do.

That is an awesome offer.
All right!

Okay, wait.

I am going to ask you for something
in return for the money,

and I don't want you to think that
this loan is contingent on that,

but I will say that
if you don't do it,

I feel like I might
not give you the money.

Okay. Great. What?

(EXHALES)

It's a lot harder than I thought.
Just give me a minute.

Will you be
the party mom tonight?

So I can let my
freak flag fly?

I would love to.

Yeah?

Because your face is
telling me something else.

That would bring me joy.

You know what? Forget it. It'll
just get screwed up. I'll do it.

You don't think I can
take care of people?

I am an actual mom!
I got this!

Okay, but the party mom
can't drink.

What fresh fuckery is that?

Does a mother drink
at her kid's birthday party?

Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.

No.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Forget it.
I'll be fine. It's okay.

(SIGHS)

Okay. I won't drink tonight.
You groin it up.

I'll be you. You be me.

Oh, my God. So many red flags! Okay.
Let's do this! (SHRIEKS)

When you're flirting with Mr. Man,
don't weave your divorce tale.

Drunk people like to show off with fire.
Shut it down.

Over-pronounce things, because he
is gonna be watching your mouth.

Remember, don't leave someone
when they're throwing up.

Sleep-barfing kills.

Once you're in the bedroom,

lock the door so
I can't burst in

and take
a commemorative picture.

(SQUEAKING)

Kate, can you clean
up this gel, please?

Yes! Stop asking me about it.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

It's that scary time when you're
afraid that no one will show up.

It's 8:32. People aren't gonna...
(DOORBELL RINGS)

Take it, girl.
This is your show.

Hey.

Hey! Hi!
Hey!

It's Rob and Liz.
And their son.

KATE: Nope.

Not happening. No kids.

Yeah, he can just
watch TV downstairs.

No. Him got to go.

Yeah. Sorry, there's just too
many things he could ingest.

Um...

We'll be back.

Chase,
we are gonna go see Nana.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yay! (CHUCKLES)

ROB: You remember her, right?

Damn. Adults are
on time, huh?

MAURA: Yeah.

Why is Alex
walking up our driveway?

I'm so sorry. I invited him, because I
feel bad for him. He's very lonely.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Duane! Duane who?

Duane the bathtub.

I'm dwowning!

(ALL LAUGHING)

You still got it!

May I please have
a beverage?

(CHUCKLES)

(EXCLAIMS) Sanctuary! Mmm.

Wow!

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

(IMITATES VELOCIRAPTOR)

Christ, he is
immediately exhausting.

DAVE: Hello there.

Fun train pulling in!

(IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE) Booze,booze!
Whoo-hoo!

(IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

And when my dad finally died,
he actually glowed.

Kelly!
Ugh!

When did we all get so old?

I mean, at least the women
are making an effort,

but the men here?

Look like they're
being slowly poisoned.

I think it's about
how you feel, right?

Done. You know?

Best days behind us.
Right, guys?

I don't know. You might live like
another eight or 10 years, Kelly.

You don't wanna be
looking at it like that.

Chase was like a 10-pound baby.
(MAURA SIGHS)

So when he came out of there,

I mean, it was decimated.
That's horrible. Ugh.

So I ended up having
a vaginal rejuvenation.

It's as tight as
a keyhole down there.

I could pick up quarters
with it, if I wanted to.

I haven't wanted to yet.

I shouldn't be
telling you this,

but Rob's penis
has a kink in it.

I can't think of
what it's called.

It's kind of, like, crimped?

I don't know.
I can't even...

ROB: There they are. Yeah.
(LIZ CHUCKLES)

Hey.

She bragging about me?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Put a bunch of videos
on YouTube yesterday.

I'm up to a hundred hits,
so, sensacion, as they say.

(CHUCKLING)

It's empty.

Boink!

He has a yeast infection in his
paws, between his paw pads,

and I have to get a wipe, and I have
to wipe out his paws every night.

Are you gonna
get me a drink?

Can you give me
a chance to offer?

(SCOFFS)

One thousand euthanized a year
just in this county.

I woke up one day, and boom.
No more periods.

What the fuckenheimer?
Grown-up parties suck.

(SIGHS) How can one person
have two colonoscopy stories?

I'm gonna get
the dancing started.

Get in there, kid.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hi.

Oh. Sure don't feel
like your age.

I hope that you have got your
phone in your front pocket.

(GROANS)

(MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH STEREO)
No.

MAURA: Whoo!

Come on.
Here we go. Here we go!

Hey, you can't
start with Mony Mony!

That's like starting with anal.
Oh.

All right.

Geernt!

Hi, there.
Dropping off paint.

I'll put it by the pool.

So?
Okay

MR. GEERNT: My apologies.
I was worried

you were having a party,
but I see now,

you really are having a wake.

Hey.

This party is fucking lame.
Do you...

Drugs? I know a guy.

Call him.

HAE-WON: Hello!
HAE-WON'S HOTTIES: Hi!

Hae-Won!

No, Hae-Won.

Right, sorry. You made it.
I can't believe it. Look!

What? Look at this
flock of hotties.

Wow. You look so happy.

You look so free and not oppressed at all.
We were worried about you.

Really? We were
worried about you.

Both your feet
looked like dried beef.

Ah, I knew you were
talking shit about us.

Who wants a drink?
Come on.

HOTTIE 1: Let's go get drink!
HOTTIE 2: Let's party!

Thank you so
much for having us.

What? You're leaving?
ROB: Great party.

Kate, they're leaving.
Hey! (STAMMERS)

Chase has night terrors.

KATE: Absolutely not.

Everybody,
huddle up for a second.

To anyone who's even
thinking about leaving,

you can forget it.

You need this
as much as we do.

Just as much as we do.

If you think I strapped
all this shit on tonight

so you could be home
to watch Flip or Flop,

you are fucking dreaming.

You're dreaming.

Dan and Kim.
You got four kids,

and from what I can thin slice from
your Christmas letters, they're wangs.

Thank you. Wait, what?

Kelly! Your profile pic is a
low-fat Mexican casserole.

Yeah, it is.

Rob, when was
the last time you danced

with the night air
hitting your nips?

Guns N' Roses.
Citrus Bowl, 1991.

(ALL MURMURING)

Don't you wanna feel
that carefree again?

Just, like,
balls deep in joy?

ALL: Yes!
Yeah. Where'd them balls go?

What are you doing?
I'm being your hype man.

Great. It's not too late.

The young you
still lives inside you.

Just like shingles, y'all.

KATE: We used to party
in this house like animals

because we thought
we would never die.

I say, tonight,
we party like Vikings

because we know we
could die tomorrow!

Let's light a boat on fire!

(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: Tonight
is my gift to you!

Drink up and run with scissors
tonight, because Mama got you.

AW, shit!

(ALL CHEERING)
MAN: Yeah, Mama!

Now, go call your sitters!

But what should we call them?

(ALEX CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Alex is still funny, guys.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thanks.
I'm pouring shots.

Now remind me that you
know how to do this. Whoo!

JERRY: I remember
how to do it!

And let's dance
our titties off!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: (CHANTING)
Shot, shot, shot!

(ALL CHEERING)

Next round, vodka!

Have you done it?

MAURA: Only people
with children.

People with kids.
People with kids.

(YELLING)

(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey!

That's a really beautiful orchid.
Is that for me?

No, this is mine.
(MAURA CHUCKLES)

Maura.
Invite Doctor Bushwhack in.

Show him where to put
his things. I'll greet.

Uh, please come in,
and take off your...

Just come in.

JAMES: There you go.

Oh, thank you.
No problem.

It's beautiful.
Thank you.

Wow. it smells amazing.

Do orchids smell?

They can,
if you get fungus gnats.

And those are hard to get rid of.
It stinks up your whole house.

But this one looks good.

JAMES: Yeah,
this is pretty healthy.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Why don't
you greet your guests?

I'm gonna make myself a drink,
and face the wall.

KATE: Cover time. Twenty bucks
for the booze and food, please.

Kate. The lesbians are here.

Excellent.

Hey. Cool if I spin
some tunes?

I'm afraid to tell you no.

Great.
Great.

KATE: Let them through,
everybody!

Get ready for a Sarah
McLachlan/Tracy Chapman mash-up.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. yeah!

Oh, shit.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: Can I talk to you
for a second? Yeah.

How's it going in there?

Well, I told him
about my fungus gnats.

Let him do
the bulk of the talking.

Yeah, I'm just afraid
when it gets quiet.

Good things are
hidden in the quiet.

Who said that?

I did. I'm smart.

Okay.

You should put that
on one of your cards.

But it is expected of you. Your
absence has already been noted.

JOFFREY ON TV:
The boy means nothing to me.

I can't stand
the wailing of women.

(BRINDA GRUNTS)

God, I could watch
Tyrion slap the smug

off that little fucker's
face a hundred times

and never get sick of it.
(ALL CHUCKLING)

Did you know that Jack Gleeson was
the little boy in Batman Begins?

Jean, when you use
the actors' real names,

you're not allowing yourself to
live inside the fantasy world

that they've so
lovingly crafted for us.

Oh, and just a reminder there's a no
phone policy on our G. O. T. nights.

DENNY: I'm sorry.

Ian Mitchell keeps posting photos
of the Ellis Island party,

and it looks
like kinda damn fun.

I kinda wanna drop by.

They have cheese.
(GASPS)

DENNY: Cheese.

All we have is wine.

And it's non-alcoholic.

JEAN: We don't have to take
off our shoes there.

And there aren't so many rules.
(EXHALES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll take another one...

JAMES: Hey.
MAURA: Hey.

Man, I haven't been
to a party in a while.

I know. The last party I went to
was probably my wedding reception.

This wine... So did you
see your parents die?

(STAMMERING) No, I didn't,

but I know they did.

(CHUCKLES)
Well, that's good to know.

It's not good to know.

Hey, it's okay.

I mean,
you can ask me anything.

What do you want
to know about me?

I have nachos that
are in the broiler.

I have to go get them.

Yeah, go. Do your thing.
I'll be here.

All right.
All right.

What are you doing out here by yourself?
Where's your boyfriend?

No, I don't think he's
right for me. It's a pass.

He's so direct, you know.
There's no surprises there.

There's not a lot
to discover.

I mean, I like mystery. And, you know, great
sex is so distracting. I mean, it's...

It's nice to be...
Mmm-hmm...

...so physically, emotionally
attracted to someone.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

But that's not what life is.

Life is about challenges and shadows
and corners and feeling weird.

You are so full of shit, that
I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups.

I just think we're
gonna be very good friends.

I think you're being a little dramatic.
I'm not.

I asked him if he
saw his parents die.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. I don't like this feeling.
What feeling?

This high school feeling when
you're crushing on someone

and you're afraid that they're
not gonna like you back,

and then you're
gonna get heart cramps.

Hey, I think you're
getting ahead of yourself.

Someone else is
talking to him anyway.

Brinda?

Oh, hail naw!

Are you serious? Because I
am straight-up baffled.

I'm sorry?

I believe you called this party
a "sad and desperate event"?

Well, I just figured I'd pop
in and say hello to everyone.

I mean, we're all
adults now, right?

Nice try.
On your bike, bitch.

Get your peanut butter
out of my sister's chocolate.

Wow.

I respect your jumpsuit,
but not its contents. Hit it.

Well, this is ludicrous.

(IMITATES GULPING)
Get out.

Fine. I have another function
to attend anyway.

Besides, I flushed
a tampon down your toilet.

You're pads all the way
and everyone knows it.

BRINDA: Nuh-uh.

Let's go. Let's get
out of this septic tank.

I kind of want
to stay a little.

Yeah, me too.

For serious?

We never got to go before
because Kate hated you.

We suffered from
secondhand hate.

(HISSES)

Wow.

(GASPS)
(DRIPPING)

Hi. You guys are welcome here.
You know that, right?

Do you wanna do some shots?
Yeah.

Hi, I'd like to
make a noise complaint.

Winter is coming, bitches.

MAURA: So, what's this order again?
JAMES: All right.

It goes salt.

Shot.

And then
we suck on these?

No, you throw them at each other.
(CHUCKLES)

That's the way
you're supposed to.

KATE: Maura?
That's what...

Some guy here to see you?

Excuse me.

All right. Go do it.

My dude's in the bedroom.
What dude?

Some kid we're
buying weed from.

Ooh, okay.

Hi, there.

Holy mother.

That's right. This is my
best friend, my brah, right?

This is Pazuzu.

It sure is.

Pazuzu. Thank you so much
for bringing your arms here.

Your drugs here.

Uh, is your ink Samoan?
I saw a documentary once...

I Will handle this.

We are looking for...
To buy drugs.

(SNIFFS)

What'chu want?

I got ketamine,
meth, MDMA, Adderall,

Bromo-Dragonfly, heroin,
coke, crack, codeine, oxys,

(EXCLAIMS)
percs, vikes,

PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline,

mushrooms, bath salts,
cortisone, Toradol.

I got molly. I got her sister Sandra.
I got big Frank.

I got birth control.
I got Plan B.

I got that morphine from China
they took off the market.

Shit to make
your dick hard.

Shit to make your dick soft.
Shit'll find your dick.

That shit there's
from Kenya.

Supposed to be a scurvy cure
for silverback gorillas,

but for humans, it just makes
them violently masturbate.

Did I say crack? Because
I got more of that, too.

Mmm-hmm. You said
crack already.

I got some Ibuprofen, aspirin. I got
Flintstone Gummies if you want.

You seem good at your job.

We don't need any of that.
No. No.

We're just gonna take some
low-level, late '80s dirt pot.

You know, the kind with seeds in
it that you separate on a Frisbee.

Something you smoke
at a Bangles concert.

I didn't drive my ass across town to
sell some moms some fucking dirt pot.

Y'all gonna buy
some Cloud 10.

DAVE: I'm sorry, man. They're
just new to the game.

Ladies, come on.
This is Cloud 10.

This is the shiz, a'ight?

This is, like, 70% molly, 20%
Adderall, and it's 10% fun!

What's that last 10%?

Snow leopard.
Fun.

No, seriously. I'm a nurse.
So, just give me a name.

Mystic.
I actually don't know.

You know what?
You seem like a pro,

so we'll just
take a little ohwheed

and just a skosh
of Cloud 10.

MAURA: Are there
hazelnuts in that?

I'll take the stuff for the dick.
I got you.

KATE: I'll take this. PAZUZU:
Y'all mind if I hang out a bit?

Uh... Nah.
Nah.

(STAMMERING) Please, please,
please don't. Nuh-uh.

Don't stay... Stay. Yep. Thanks.

Hey, you don't have any
Goldfish crackers up there?

Don't mean to be coy.

MAURA: Oh, hi, Alex.

I'm just hiding this stevia.
That shit's expensive.

Koi, goldfish.

(CHUCKLES) You.

You know, you're the type of badass
that I was susceptible to in my youth.

I used to make out with my
Stretch Armstrong doll,

so this is, like,
a full circle moment for me.

It's cool. I invented the Fleshlight.
I just do this shit on the side.

Right on.

Excuse me.

(POLICE SIREN BLARES)

Hey. Turn the music off!

Everybody duck!

(ALL MURMURING)

Quack, quack.

Hi. We donated already.

Hey. We received
a noise complaint?

Oh, Officer, we are so sorry.
We'll shut everything down.

No, it's...

Wait a minute.
Your eyes are gorgeous.

You know you look exactly like
an Affleck brother, right?

I mean, it is like,
dead ringer times.

Any underage
drinking going on?

Oh, no. No.
No.

Everybody's
double 21 in there.

Way over age.

We had a 60-year-old
buy our beer.

Well, you don't look
a day over 25.

MAURA". Thank you.

Thirty-five.

Oh!

Just do me a favor and act
your ages and keep it down?

We will keep it down.

We will keep it so down,
like, below sea level.

Nice teamwork.
Yeah.

I miss flirting
with cops.

(MAURA CHUCKLING)
He was so afraid of us.

(WHISPERS) Motherfucker,
titty-sucker, two-balled bitch.

First PoPo of the night
thwarted by charm.

Ellis Island, proceed, y'all!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey. I put in a request
for our special song

so we can do
the Applebutt Jam.

I don't think we should do that tonight.
That's not that cool.

No! Tonight is my night,
and it is cool,

because we're doing it,
and we're cool.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

It's good, right?

(LAUGHS)

Whoo!

(KELLY CRYING)

KATE: Come here, peanut.

Tell Mama what's freaking you
the fuck out about time.

I don't know.
It's just like...

The other day,
I saw this old lady

looking at me through
a window on the street,

and I felt bad
for her, you know?

I waved at her,
and she waved back at me,

and then I realized
that was just my reflection.

It was just me and my
old beef jerky face.

(SOBBING)

Why does time
do that to faces?

Why?

Don't do that.

When the time is right, smoke
this with your gentleman friend.

I'm gonna make space cakes for the rest
of the gang like a goddamn June Cleaver

because I have a domestic side.
Mmm-hmm.

Look what fell
into my cleavage.

Plinko!Jackpot!
(CHUCKLES) Let's go.

Ooh...

Do YOU may any sports?

Tennis,
for a little while.

That's what
I was gonna guess.

Okay, Dribbles. I got you, girl.
Hey.

(SIGHS)
Let's go right in there.

Get you looking nice and clean
so you can throw up on it later.

You look like you naturally
have no body hair whatsoever.

Do you oil yourself
up a lot?

When I need to get
through a narrow shaft.

Danger. Walk away.
That's a black diamond slope.

Why ain't you partying?

Because I'm the designated mom tonight.
I'm keeping everybody safe.

Do you have kids?

I'm sure I do.

(MOUTHING) Shit.

DAVE: Hey, Kate. You remember
when you scaled that

sucker right there
up to the last beam

and you hollered,
"I'm the bomb!"

Like it was yesterday, yo.

Well, come on, Kate.
What are you waiting for?

Come on, everybody.
Kate, Kate!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kate, Kate, Kate!

(WHISTLING)

When you're sober, it's kind of
like, "Why would anyone do this?"

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kate, Kate, Kate!

Come on, Kate. Come on!

KATE: This is scary as shart.
(ALL GASPING)

How did I not die
doing this?

Don't try this.
This is not safe.

Somebody moved these bricks.

FEMALE GUEST: Hang tight, lady!
(ALL CHEERING)

KATE: This is for
the fucking birds. Shitters.

Oh, you guys.
You guys are gonna love this.

Don't move.
Stay right there.

(LAUGHS)

All right. Ready? Ready?

Okay, guys,
can you guess who I am? Ready?

You wanna play rough? Okay. Say
hello to my little friend!

Cheech! No, Chong.
ALEX: No, no, no.

Say hello to my little friend!

(EXCLAIMS)

ROB: Tim Allen.
No.

Say hello to my little friend.
Bullets? Nothing.

I love cocaine! Because I
have a scar on my face!

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFING AND SNORTING)

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHING HEAVILY)

It's stevia!
(CHUCKLES) Psych!

It's stevia!

(BABBLES)

(CHUCKLES AND YELLS)

(COUGHING HEAVILY)

Hmm... (PANTS)

Come on. You can get this!

So, if I read this,

will I get, like, amazing
insight into who you are?

I am afraid so.
Okay.

Way behind the curtain.
Like, in the broom closet.

Well, I like broom closets.
Here we go.

(READING)
"I tried tampons.

"No thanks, Tom Hanks."
(CHUCKLES)

"it felt like I fell
down hard on a Popsicle."

Oh, man.

That's from last week.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

It's good stuff in here.

It's my gift to you.

I love it. I want more.

Now you tell me a secret.

Okay.

I lost a whole bunch
of weight recently.

Like, 70 pounds.

Wow. That's great.
Yeah, it's a lot.

All right,
tell me something else.

On, uh... (SIGHS)

I got divorced.

So,you lost
like, 200 pounds.

(CHUCKLING)

(SNIFFS)

Let's...

You wanna try something?

Okay.

Um...

On the count of three...
Mmm-hmm.

...let's say what
we're both afraid of.

I mean,
unless you don't want to.

No, I'm not afraid
to say it.

Okay?
okay. ready?

BOTH:One

Two.

Three.

Alligators.
Choking on a steak.

Not great. (CHUCKLES)

Let's really say
what we're afraid of.

Like, for real.

Okay,
Okay?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three.

I'm afraid that I'm boring... I'm
afraid that losing weight...

...and I have too much baggage.
...won't fix everything.

Did you lose weight to
gain self-confidence?

No.

I think I lost the weight

so I could gain a better view
of my perfect penis.

I missed the little guy.
Not little.

(CHUCKLES)

Medium.
I miss the medium guy.

You are so not boring,
by the way.

You've already
fixed so many things.

There used to be
so much stuff here.

This attic made
me feel very safe.

Well, a house
is just a building.

Home is a feeling.

That's beautiful.
Thank you.

Who said that?

I did. Just now.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BLOWS)

Ugh(COUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Were you shotgunning me?
I am so sorry.

I misjudged the shotgun.
I was going to.

It's my fault.
I was showboating.

I am so sorry about that.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IN CUBAN ACCENT)
You talking to me?

Is you talking to me?

Uh, Robert Pacino.

Aah! No bullets!

(IN CUBAN ACCENT) Why don't you try sticking
your head up your ass? See if it fits?

What's the one... Grimace? No.

Why don't you try sticking your
head up your ass? (LAUGHS)

(QUICKLY) Why don't you try
sticking your head up your ass?

See if it fits!
See if it fits!

(LAUGHS) Stevia!

Why don't you stick
your head up your ass?

See if it fits?
(LAUGHING)

Why don't you try sticking your head
up your ass and see if it fits?

Pass.

Why don't you stick your head
up your ass and see if it fits?

Scarf ace!

Scarf ace.
Scarf ace?

Yes!

That's who I was
the whole fucking time!

Awesome, man.

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

You got to want
it a little less.

I can feel
my hair growing!

Alex, come on.

Do you hear that?
It's Tipsy!

Oh, I love this song!
I got to dance. Here we go.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. Oh!

(MAURA CHUCKLING)
Hey, you backing it up!

This is your theme now.

Who, me? Or, e'rybody?

Ah, e'rybody.

(SINGING) 'Cause e'rybody
got got to get tipsy

What?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

JAMES: Yeah!

E'rybody in the club get tipsy

Not just you.
Not just me. E'rybody.

E'rybody. E'ry day,
e'ry hour, e'ry minute.

Huh! (YELLS)

(CRASHES)
(ALL YELLING)

JAMES: Oh, my God!
(YELLS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God. Wait, come here.
Come here.

Here we go. My dad's
gonna murder me!

Shh. Maura, look at me. I can fix this.
(CREAKING)

Oh, God. Go. Go, go, go.

JAMES: Whoa!
MAURA: No, no, no!

JAMES: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

(MAURA SCREAMS)
JAMES: No!

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH SPITTING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

I'm really

"fishy .

It went up my nose.

It went up my butt.
(CHUCKLES) (COUGHING)

Are we gonna die?

No, this stuff's safe. This is
all from the '70s. (LAUGHS)

Wow! This is fucked up!

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

I wanna do that foam thing like
we saw at the Fart Mitzvah.

(HAE-WON'S HOTTIES CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING) Ah!

(LAUGHS)

Ooh!

I need to talk to you outside.
Now. Oh. Oh.

Well, let's do this. My earrings
are coming off, bohatch!

Why? You gonna hit me
with your long-ass earlobes?

BRINDA: on.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

I have been waiting
a long time for this.

Hey!

Let me in!

This is bullshit!

(ALL CHEERING)

(VOCALIZES)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

MAURA: Hey.
How's everything going?

KATE: I'm crushing it.
How's the man-harvest going?

James is so hot.

My high school heart cramp
has turned into a heart-on.

I have a heart-on for him.
I have a raging heart-on.

I don't get it. Explain it more.
I have a...

KATE: Who the hell did that?
MAURA: I did.

You are so badass!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

BOTH: Fuck the Geernts!

Okay, I'm gonna
dive back in. Bye!

BRINDA: Fucking party.

(SLOSHING)

Jackpot

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Foam party!

Strip it down, town!

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, shit. It's my parents!

Shut the fuck up!
It's her parents!

Everyone, I'm gonna sneeze,
shut the fuck up!

(IMITATES SNEEZE)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello?

Hi! You're home!
We're coming over.

Oh, no, don't come over.

We're just in our pj's
watching Risky Business.

Maura told us the wonderful news about
you and Haley moving to Orlando!

And You got a job!

Not hers to tell, but okay.

Your dad and I got an idea.

And we're only medium drunk.

Could you headline
news it for me?

Yes.

We are gonna give you 50% of the
money from the sale of the house

and then we're gonna use the
other 50% to pay off the condo.

And we're leaving
Maura the stocks.

DEANNA: We thought that
you could use the money

to buy a little house
for you and Haley.

Would I have to
pay the money back?

Or would it be more
of a "wink-wink" loan?

We're giving it to you.

For free.

DEAN NA: As a love gift.

That solves a lot of things.

Okay, I got to go now.
Thanks so much.

DEANNA'. Okle dokle.

Wash and dry any
tea cups you use,

and we're very
happy for you, honey.

Okay, thanks, bye!

(CHUCKLES)

Holy shit.

(GUESTS CHEERING)

Holy shit.

ALL: (CHANTING)
Rob,Rob,Rob!

I'm the bomb!

I'm the bomb! I'm the bomb!

Okay, guys?

I'm actually gonna
need everyone to just

start cleaning up the area
where they're standing.

Everybody, gather round, okay?

I just smoked some
21st century pot.

(CHEERING)

So I need to say my mind.
Make it quick.

Release your boobs!

No, my boobs are
sleeping right now.

Six more weeks of winter!

I wanna thank my sister, Kate,
for holding down the fort

and helping me have
the best night of my life.

(ALL CHEERING)
Wrapping it up.

In the spirit
of my sister,

I encourage all of you to make
your mark on this house tonight.

No, do not make your mark.

(ALL CHEERING)

Where's my handyman?

Hey. I like that
you know who you are.

And that you ask
for what you want.

And I think you're really cute.
Thank you.

But, whatever, dude. A lot of
people are cute, so relax.

Okay. (CHUCKLING)

MAURA: Anyway,
seriously, you guys.

Remember who you really are
and be that you!

(CHEERING)

Be that what?
ALL: (CHANTING) You!

What that you?
ALL: (CHANTING) Be!

Be what you?

ALL: (HESITANTLY) That!

MALE GUEST: You!

(SCREAMING) It's "that,"
it's fucking "be that you!"

Be that you! Be that you!
Be that you!

DAVE: All right,
don't yell at me.

I just did it three times!
Don't yell at me!

Who's yelling?

One more time. Be what you?

ALL: (CHANTING) That!

You got it! I'm out.

Thank you.
Good night. We are closed.

Take the party outside!

(CHEERING)

KATE: No, that way.

Guys, that way!

(CLATTERING)

I liked your speech.

I'm meeting you
in the bedroom.

I'm going in there to fix the drywall.
(CHUCKLES)

(MUFFLED) Okay. Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Excuse me, please.
(MUFFLED) Excuse me.

Alex, take your dick out of
the paint, right this minute!

No! I'm gonna draw suh-in!

I'm like a little
Pablo Dickasso!

(SLOSHING)

(GRUNTING) Hey, man.
I got you. Shit!

(LAUGHING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Yes, my neighbors are having a loud
party, and I'd like to complain.

I need you to shut it down.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

KATE: Oh, man.

Who called the cops?

Having a pretty
big party, huh?

Oh, is 500 people too much?

MAURA: PoPo! PoPo!

Oh, somebody call
a stripper?

You gonna take your clothes off for us?
You can't come in here.

Without the judge signing the thing.
I got this.

This is where I live.

This is our house.
Yep.

This where we live, okay?

And this is our property
for the next 24 hours.

A lot of sex is gonna happen.
A lot of sexy times.

You can't stop that.

Last time I checked,
sex wasn't against the law,

as much as you would
love that, wouldn't you?

Maura, please behave. Why
don't you step off, blue?

Don't you know
I'm loco? Shit!

KATE: Now we know that.

MAURA: Officer Donuts.

Why don't you go
back into your squad car

and go save
a kitten from a tree,

because these
pussies are doing fine.

All right? Clean the donuts
out of your ears

and hear the words that are
coming out of my mouth.

I will protect my all's property from
all y'all and that's including moi.

That means "me."

It means "me." I don't...
it doesn't mean you.

I don't need to protect anything from her.
That's my sister.

Right. From the same
mister, who's our dad.

So, wrap your mind
around that, Cap'n Crunch.

Capeach?

I know something about you.
You're a nice person, right?

And you look like a Ken doll, hopefully
with the genitals. Fingers crossed.

You've picked a very great profession.
And I salute you.

But you know what?
This is how I'll salute you.

Like this. I'm sorry.

KATE: Wait, that didn't
happen, nobody saw that.

MAURA: I got this.

What are you writing down?
Nothing. It's my pad.

MAURA: Here, I have something
you should write down.

E-A-T.

S-H-I-T.

Okay, my sister is clearly riding
the ditch at this late hour.

Can you shut this shit down?

(STAMMERS)
Was that Maura Ellis?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

She went to
the sophomore formal

with my cousin
who has spina bifida.

Of course she did!

She is a lovely person.
He still talks about it.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) You know what?

You guys enjoy your party.

No. No, no.

No. No! Wait!

There's a drunk, blind guy
swinging a gun around!

(CHUCKLES) No way. Enjoy!

Fuck! (SIGHS)

MAURA: Hey.

How's it going in here?

Good, I think.

Yeah, I think you're all set.

I'm gonna have to come back
tomorrow and finish this,

because I am drunk
and stoned.

Well, I'm totally sober, so.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I did a really bad job.

You're very tall.
How tall are you?

About 6'3". With the
ladder, about 7'6".

(CHUCKLES)
So, I'm just gonna...

Thanks so much for
cleaning this all up.

Oh, yeah.

Do you wanna keep
working off the clock?

Yeah.
Because my bed is broken.

Do you want me to fix it?

Yeah. Lock the door.

People, I'm in charge here,
and I say it's over.

Okay? We had a great time.
Let's wrap it up.

ALL: (IN UNISON) No!

Why? What?

This is such
a brilliant idea!

Free slicking.

I wish we had
some lubricant.

What perfume is on you?

You like that?
Yeah, I do.

It's Risky by Jennifer Love Hewitt.
You can only get it at Kohl's.

I'm wearing
Erection by Calvin Klein.

I cannot!

What did I ever do to you
to make you abhor me so?

Are you seriously asking?

You probably
don't remember.

Oh, I remember.

We were about to have the
best Ellis Island party ever

because my cousin met John Stamos
at Disney and he was coming.

But you named
to your cop dad.

I narced because
he made me!

How? How did he even know?

Because when I found out that I
wasn't invited to your party

it hurt me so very deep,
that I threw up really hard.

Why didn't you invite me?

(SQUEALS) Why'?

I was kind and clean!

And I got mostly B's!

I know, I cheated off you.

And then you decided
that I was a "no."

And then everybody decided
that I was a "no"!

And then guess who decided
that I was a "no"?

The Bachelor?

Me.

So, I have decided that
tonight I deserve to be here.

Tonight, lam a "yes."

lam a "hell yes"!

I am a "yeah."

lam a "hell yeah."

lam a "fuck to the yeah"!

Wordsmith.
I am a "yippie-ki-yay yes"!

And you know what
the saddest part is?

Your vagina?

No.

The saddest part

is that you and I used to
have a blast in grade school.

And we would probably
still be friends

if you weren't such
a selfish hothead.

I am not a selfish hothead!

Put that phone down!
Give me that. No!

Give me that phone!
Give me that!

No! Don't touch my phone.

(YELLING) Maura! Maura!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, honey.

HALEY: Hi, Mom, I'm here.

I'm at Gram and Gramps'.

You're here? In Orlando? Yeah.

Oh, great. Okay.

They told me that they're
gonna help us get a house.

Do you want me to come down
there and we can talk about it?

Uh, we're all pretty
wiped from packing.

You know, I would say maybe
just get some rest and...

So come over
in the morning.

Wait. You want me to come
there in the morning?

You have been begging me for
weeks to tell you where I am,

and now that I'm here
you're gonna blow me off?

No, I'm not blowing you off!

I'm so excited! We're getting a house,
and you're gonna have your own room.

I got a baloney dick!

Who has a baloney dick?
Nobody.

HALEY: Are you at
a party right now?

Earlier. We had
a packing cookout.

Cookout
with your cock out.

(WHISPERS)
I'm on the phone!

You say that
you want a fresh start

and everyone
is trying to help us out,

and this is how
you thank them?

It's not what you think. No,
it's exactly what I think.

I start trusting you again
and then you turn around

and you start acting like one of the
Real Housewives of Orange County.

Can you just give me a chance
to make it right?

No! I don't wanna live
with my loser mom who parties.

You know what? Tonight, I'm actually
the only person who's not partying.

Yeah, right.

(RETCHES)

Fuck it.

ALL". Kate! Kate! Kate!

(ALL CHEERING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.Lollapazuzu,
I'm partying now.

You ready for me?

I've been ready.

My safe word
is "Keep going."

I don't need one.
You will.

I don't have insurance.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You have such
a good, solid, man face.

I'm gonna do stuff to you right now.
You are?

Yes.
Okay.

Put your pants off.
I'm sorry.

I meant to say that
a little smoother

but I'm very, very drunk,
plus stoned. Let's go.

Just open up your parts.
Put your pants off.

No,no,no. I'm putting
them off right now.

Yep, here we go.
Yeah!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING)

You have kids?

Two girls in Korea.
Oh, I miss them bad.

So far.

I put their hairs
in my bra.

I miss how my daughter smells
when she has wet hair.

She die?
No.

I haven't been able to find
her, like, all summer.

That is fucked up.

Don't judge me. Your kids
are in another country.

That's fucked up.

I work my butt
to save my kids

so they can come
live with me.

I used to be
pediatric radiologist.

What?

What do you do
for your kid?

Hmm?

(SNIFFS)

You wanna hug?

Yeah, give this
messy bitch a hug.

Katie, what's
the matter, baby?

Aw, look at you. Don't cry.
It's gonna make me cry.

People are really working
their shit out at this thing.

This is like
Korean drama.

Heads up! Whoo!

You're out of booze.

(SIGHS)
I'm on it.

Party mom
to the rescue.

Okay, we're gonna
get started in one second.

Okay.
(LAUGHS)

Hello.

(LAUGHING)
Hey, you're number one.

Okay, let's
take it up a notch.

Okay, you know what time it is?
No.

It's candle play time.
Uh-oh! (LAUGHS)

I should warn you
that this did not go well

when I was having sex
with Frankenstein. (LAUGHING)

Fire bad.

Oh. Ah.
Yeah, I'm ready.

On! (LAUGHING)

I didn't think...
That's Wild. That's Wild.

Oh, God. I didn't think I was
gonna like it, but I like it.

How does this
sucker not stay lit?

Okay.
Hold the sex phone.

All right.
Just getting into it.

Oh, look who
we have here.

Garfield!
(LAUGHS)

Garfield always comes through.
Yeah, he's...

He's gonna help us out.
(SCREAMING) Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Shit. Fuck!

Oh! No! Shit!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

My God!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, fuck!

Did you fall on something sharp?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay, did it go up inside of
you by way of your rectum?

Yeah, I think so.

It feels like a small trophy or...
(GRUNTS) A collectible.

James, lam a nurse. Okay?

I can get whatever
is up there out.

No, I don't
want you to look.

It's not Maura, the woman that you
were kissing who's gonna look.

It's a nurse who just got here.
Okay.

Hello, sir. Nice to meet
you for the first time.

(SCREAMING) Okay. All right.
Okay.

I'm just gonna roll you over
so I can examine your rectum.

Okay. Stop.
Stop saying rectum.

I'm gonna get it out, whatever it is.
Mmm-hmm. Okay.

So I'm just gonna twist it, and
pull it out slowly. Mmm-hmm.

Just breathe.

(WINDING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

It's a music box.

Yep.

It's my ballerina music box.
Mmm-hmm.

And she's in high-fifth position,
which is why she went in so easily.

Okay.

Is it past the tutu?

Yeah.
Mmm.

That's why
it's catching.

So, okay, James,
I'm gonna try something here.

No. Nah, I'm good.
It's okay.

I know, I know.
Just give me a second.

Okay, hold on!
(SCREAMS)

That's turning inside me!
Just let it wind down.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(EXHALES)

I think it's almost done.

It's Swiss-made,
so it may take a while.

How long
is this fucking song?

It really is
a beautiful melody.

Beethoven. What a...
What a genius.

Mmm-hmm.

And we're do... Nope.

It went around again.
Yeah.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna hop up.

Okay. You got it? Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, no, no.

It didn't happen. lt never happened.
(SCREAMING)

James, seriously.

Be gentle.
Be very, very careful.

I'm gonna borrow this. Let's not
make this the headline of the night.

We are gonna laugh
about this someday.

You know, that is not the worst
rectal accident I've ever seen.

Thanks for that.

Thanks for cleaning up
the fucking gel, Kate!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy shit.

Help me wash it off.
Yeah?

Kate?

Has anyone seen my sister?

She's sober and she needs to
drive us to the hospital.

(ROARS) I think
I got the gangrene.

I might have
fucked a copy machine!

Good Lord.

Are you okay?

I swallowed
my wedding ring!

Where's my purse?

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Hmm?

HALEY: Hey, Aunt Maura. I just landed in Orlando!
Thanks for our conversation.

I'm glad you talked me into coming down.
I do trust you.

I set the alarm at your condo,

and I gave my keys to your
pet-sitter, like you told me.

And I sent you a picture of me and Polenta.
She misses you.

Oh, hell no.

Where is my purse?
Have you seen it anywhere?

It was just here.

(HISSES)
(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit.

More stevia!

Cloud Nine didn't
have this glitch in it.

Hey! Calm down.

Oh, steamroller!

Steamroller!

Santa, help me!

(SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

Okay, good night.

Good night,
sweet prince.

James!

James.

James, let me
get you to a hospital.

No, I'm all right.
The thing is...

Maura, thank you for your help,
but I know what's best for me.

And right now...

I think I need to be
alone with my asshole.

Okay.
Good night, Maura.

ALEX: I need more stevia!

Where's Kate?

Oh, she went to
go get booze.

She was pretty drunk.

ALEX: Say hello to my little friend!
Of course she was.

(LAUGHS) Let's get
this party started!

HAE-WON: He's on Cloud 10!

(GROANS)

I'm Alex.

We are going to dance floor
to dance out the rat poison.

What the fuck?

Hey. I'm sorry. Hold on one second.
Hold on one second.

O“ my God! Mm“?

Yeah,
I'll be right there.

I'm kidding!

(ALL LAUGHING)

But thanks for finally laughing,
you fucking assholes! (LAUGHS)

Oh, I'm gonna kill her!

Where's my sister?

Kate!

Girl fight!

Maura!

Kate!
Maura!

Girl fight!

Where's my sister?

KELLY; Girl fight!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Go, go, go!

(SCREAMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

We did it, you guys.

We stopped time!

(ALL CHEERING)

It's snowing!

Yes! Yes!

DAVE: Oh, my God.
You guys.

Sinkhole!

(ALL SCREAMING)

MALE GUEST: on, shit!
(GASPS)

Look at this!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

There's a sinkhole.
There's a sinkhole.

Look at this.

You told me you were gonna
take care of things

and you let
everything go to shit.

Where did you go?

You were supposed to stay sober.
I was supposed to get laid!

Oh, I'm so sorry that you couldn't get laid
for the five millionth time in your life.

Oh, I get! I get my fucking
dick when I want to.

Don't you ever
pull that shit with me!

I know you get tons of dick!

Just not tonight and not recently.
Mmm-hmm.

Where's my daughter, Maura?

Do you know?

No.

Look me in the eyes.

I don't know
where she is.

You've always been
a fucking terrible liar.

Where is my
daughter, Maura?

She has been staying
with me in Atlanta.

Since when?

June.

June.

You watched me worry
about her like an idiot,

fucking texting her every day, and
freaking out about her every day.

And she was living
with you the whole time?

Okay, but the thing is,
she didn't want you to know.

You're my sister! You should
have told me she was safe!

She is. She was!
The thing is, Haley needs...

Don't tell me what my
daughter needs,okay?

Why don't you drive yourself to fucking
Petco and find a fucking husband?

Or go breastfeed a squirrel,
you sad excuse for a woman.

Oh.

MALE GUEST 22 Oh, shit!

(ALL GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

This reminds me of that movie
we watched on our anniversary.

Ow! Ow!

My hip, my hip!

Are you okay?
Yeah.

Can you move it?
Yeah.

Good, because
I'm gonna kill you!

I really hope
Maura cracks her in half.

Come on, Maura!
(HAWKING)

Don't you spit on me.

Why are you hitting yourself?
Not cool!

Wait a second. I'm posting this shit
straight on PoolsideBitchFights.com.

BRINDA: Kick her in the tits!

KATE: Haley is my kid,
not yours!

God damn it!

What have you
done to our house?

Stop that
mud wrestling now!

HALEY: Mom, leave
Aunt Maura alone.

I was doing just fine
living with her.

I mean, ask
Gram and Gramps.

You guys knew all along that
she was living with Maura?

You lying mofos!

I'm gonna kill you.

Stop it. Stop it!
We are fed up.

We have no energy
for this goddamn shit.

Smell that armpit.
DEANNA: Stop!

Our whole house looks like Pompeii,
and you two are wrestling?

I'll tell you what.

Since we're all finally
telling the goddamn truth,

here's our truth.

And we mean this from the
bottom of our hearts.

We are so tired
of the both of you.

We're so tired.
We really are.

You know, everybody
always said to us...

"Enjoy your kids while they're
young because it goes so fast."

I don't know what the fuck
they were talking about,

because it seems like
we'll never be done.

We keep trying
to pass you the baton.

You won't take it.

Take it!

Just take
the fucking baton!

I agree. We all think you
should take the baton, Kate.

Maura, cut the shit.
We're talking to you, too.

Me?
Yeah, you.

BUCKY: Go and live your life

and stop following us around
like we're gonna die any minute.

Yeah, we probably
have more sex

than the both of you.
Yeah.

We know! Yeah. We interrupted
one of your day-bangs.

Oh, my God!

You know,
if it takes a village...

I want a different village,
because this one sucks!

Why can't you guys
just be... (SCREAMING)

(ALL GASPING)

Haley!
DEANNA: Haley!

MAURA: Oh, God.
DAVE: Oh, shit!

BRINDA: Oh, sweet Jesus!
MAURA: Haley!

KATE: Haley?
HALEY: Mom!

DEANNA: Bucky, do something!
BUCKY: Haley!

Haley!

(ALL GASPING)

DAVE: Oh, shit!
Kate!

PAZUZU: This party
is unbelievable.

I am not going in to work tomorrow.
TSA can kiss my ass.

Kate, I've been through this shit
before when my condo sankholed.

I'm gonna
talk you through it.

Your first instinct
is gonna be

just to go to sleep and deal
with it in the morning,

but don't do that.

I got a ladder.
Kate!

Is it cold?
KATE: Yes, it's fucking cold!

Hush!
It looks cold.

Everyone's distracted
by the emergency right now.

I wanna be
balls deep in joy.

Then be in it.

Back into me.

Backing into you.

(IMITATING TRUCK BEEPING)

I'm in. Lock it up.

Okay, I got you.
BUCKY: We got the ladder.

Kate!
Come on up the ladder.

We can do this
together, all right?

Everyone say
a non-denominational

silent prayer
to themselves, please.

Haley, don't be scared.
Here we go.

That's really high. MAURA:
Come on, you can do it!

HALEY: It's too steep. I'm gonna fall.
KATE: It's the only way out.

Look, there's Gramps. Oh,
you're not gonna slip, honey.

Come on.
I can't, I can't.

We need to get in there and help them.
I need all your carabiners!

I'm all over it.

KATE: Hales, this could
keep sinking.

Do you want me
to climb with you?

What?

I'll climb with you, okay? I'm gonna
climb right here, next to you.

(SIGHS)

MAURA: Kate, you can do it!

Mommy used to do this at parties,
because she was a fucking idiot.

Come on. Come on.
Come on, now.

DAVE: Everybody!

Don't look down. You got it.
ALL: Kate! Kate! Kate!

Okay. Come on.

There we go.

ROB: Yep. Yep.
Come on, girl.

You got it.
Haley. Come on!

MAURA: You're almost there.

Come on. I got it!
Mom?

I'm the mom!
Come on.

(ALL CHEERING)

DAVE: All right!

Now, everybody get the hell out of
here, before I call your children!

You jumped
into a sinkhole

and climbed
a rock wall to save me.

Yeah, it's called Mom strength.
I basically She-Hulked.

You're my kid.

It's the only job
I'll never quit.

(SNIFFS)

Did you smell
my head?

Yeah, smells good.

You're such a weirdo.

Remember, I can
throw a car at you.

(DEANNA MUTTERING)

DEANNA: Maybe it'll look
better in the daylight?

Why is it blue?

Well, we are
totally fucked.

Oh, my God, Mom,
don't say "fucked."

it sounds so wrong
coming out of your mouth.

Oh, too fucking bad.

I'm pissed.

And I'll say
whatever I wanna say

because I am cuntingly
disappointed in you!

Wow.
BUCKY: All right.

That's not even a word. Don't you
dare sass me like your sister.

BUCKY: We are going home

and your asses are getting up at 6:00 a.m.
to clean up.

What'? And put some underwear om

What are you doing?
I mean, it's just shameful!

God, you guys
need to chill out.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

KATE: Calm down, Mom!

DEAN NA: Fuck Off!

MAURA: (READING) Dear diary, tonight we
had a party that turned into a foam orgy.

I made out with a sweet, hot,
funny guy who really liked me

until he fell down
butthole-first on a ballerina.

(SIGHS)

What a night.

Asses up!

DEAN NA: NOW!

(GASPS)
Oh, God!

Who's that?

Whoa!
What happened here?

Oh.

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ellis.

You look great.

You find
my hearing aid?

Where did you
leave it?

She can't hear you.

She had to take them out because
the beeping was freaking me out

when I was on drugs.

What?

Nobody's lips
are moving.

Okay. I'm pretty sure I
swallowed all my credit cards,

so I'm gonna go
deal with that.

Come on, my love.

Happy Birthday!

When the girls were little, I used to
wash their hair with this sprayer.

I could put this one
in the condo, if you like.

No.

I'll remember it.

Scratch my back?

BUCKY: There?
DEANNA: Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

BUCKY: Mmm-hmm?
(SIGHS)

MAURA'. Listen, Dad...

I'll buy the house as is and
Kate and Haley can stay here.

No, you won't.

Let me fix things.
You've done enough.

Don't you have
a plane to catch?

BUCKY: When are you gonna learn
that your help isn't always wanted?

KATE: I can't offer
as much as Maura can,

but I do have
some money.

Can I please live in your
house, temporarily, with Haley,

and fix it up?

Don't have to answer right away...
No.

Please,
just go home.

I have no more home.

Oh, pulling out the
granddaughter card.

God damn it.

All right, I'll give you
two weeks to fix it up

and then I'm torching
it for insurance.

Okay-

That's everything I have.

Can you fix
the damage for that?

No.

But I'll help you
do it. (SIGHS)

ls Maura still in town?

No.

I thought you
flew to Atlanta.

Uh...

I didn't wanna leave town
until I said I was sorry.

And I think I melted
my driver's license

in the microwave,
the other night.

I'm sorry, Kate.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell
you that Haley was with me.

Will you forgive me
for that?

I'm gonna milk it
for a while.

Okay.

I made you something.

I was gonna send it to you,
but I didn't have any stamps

because they don't
make them anymore.

"Sisters are always there
for each other.

"But some sisters
think they're hot shit,

"and do super-intrusive,
fucked-up things,

"like secretly harbor the other one's
child so they can feel superior."

Quotes are usually short.

So are dicks, but sometimes
you hit the jackpot.

Keep reading.

"And some sisters live their lives
in chaos, like a goddamn tornado,

"so the other sister has to
clean it up all the time.

"So, they're both wrong.
The end."

When I was
party mom,

I realized that always having to
take care of everyone's shit sucks.

And I'm sure
you realized

that it's not all fun being
selfish and leaving a mess.

It's pretty fucking fun.

We need to say goodbye to this
house and who we were here.

You know, James told me
that a house is a building

but home is a feeling.

He's smart. You need
to lock that guy down.

(SIGHS)
I blew it with him.

No, he's still
asking about you.

He is?
Yeah.

He is the greatest.

James just needs some...

No! Stop deciding
what other people need.

You need help.
Let him help you.

I got to go scrub "I heart
balls" off the fridge.

I'm sorry I wrote that.

Wait!
Mmm.

What do I do
when I see him?

See, I'm asking
for help already.

Find a way to
make him come to you.

But go big-

Make it clear
that you need him.

MAURA: Help!

Help!

Help.

I know you used
to be a lifeguard.

I need it.

Save me, please!

Oh, my God.

I'm drowning.

Don't die.

Come here.

Water feels good
on my ballerina hole.

(SIGHS)

What about your dick burns? Ooh.

Nice to meet you,
Dick Burns.

(TRUCK BEEPING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How in the hell
did you pull this off?

Well, I usually give 30% and I
went for the full 100 this time.

You might need
one more coat.

What?

There we go.

Thanks for doing this.
Oh, well...

Thank you
for bringing me Dave.

He's really quite
the tender love maker.

Big Dave.

(LAUGHS)

Very big Dave.
All right.

Big, big, big,
big, big boy-

Okay. I think Dave
is just what you needed.

Yeah.

Whoo! I can barely walk.

So, this is awesome.

Come on, girlfriend.

Dave has chlamydia.

Right, friendship.

Mom, this guy wants to know if
he can get 10% off his manicure

because he only
has nine fingers.

Hang up. It's your
grandpa pranking us.

Nice try, Gramps.

Gross! Get a room!

Ah, you know
you love it.

(CHUCKLES)
KATE: It's 1 o;oo!

Champagne time.

JAMES: I'm gonna
do this every week.

Hae-Won, you're incredible.
Thank you, Jack.

High five!
No.

Sorry. All right,
everybody, gather up.

On behalf of my co-owner
Hae-Won and myself.

Yay!
Thank you, Alex,

for investing in our dreams.

Just here to do my part.
(CHUCKLES)

Whoa! Hair part!
(LAUGHING)

Oh, God.
Here we go.

Yoinks!
(CHUCKLES)

There is a lid for every pot.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna punch him
right in the dick.

Let's do this!
(SQUEALS)

MAURA: Merry Christmas.

Haley, you ready?
HALEY: I'm coming!

Hello! Hi.

Merry Christmas,
my two angel.

And welcome to your new home!
(CHUCKLES)

(KIDS LAUGH)

Come on,
let's go pick a room!

Really?

No, wheelie.
(LAUGHS)

If this doesn't smell like our
Christmas, I will flip a table.

DEANNA: Hi!

Oh, hi!

BUCKY: All right, hi!
DEANNA: Oh, come here.

DEANNA: Look at you. JAMES:
No, look at you. Look at you.

DEAN NA: Cookies!

Oh, how beautiful! Look at these!
JAMES: They're store-bought.

Good to see you. Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Did you make these?
No.

No, I bought them
at a gas station.

Still feels like
our Christmas.

Yeah.

Because we're the home.

Yeah.

Come here, bootch.

Let me lead, I'm the big sister.
Okay.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

What kind of...
Fuck. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Bloopers!
MAN: Yeah.

Whoo! Hey, I put in a special
request for our Applebutt...

Hey, I... Fuck me, sorry.
Fuck, sorry.

Can I try it again?
Ellis I... Sure.

MAN: Let's try again.
Sorry.

Oh, you probably
don't remember.

Oh, I remember.

Oh, I remember.
I don't remember.

My safe word is "Dow Jones
Industrial Average."

My safe word is
"geopolitical disaster."

My safe word is
"pseudoparathyroidism."

(SINGING) That girl is poison

(CHUCKLES)

She's dangerous

(LAUGHS)

lam done wasting words on
that cum-guzzling road whore.

Wow.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh?
Huh?

Sorry.
(CHUCKLES)

I can't believe that
you haven't farted

this whole time.
(LAUGHING)

Good job. Now I put it
in your head, sorry.

No, they've
been silent.

MAN: Okay, here we go.
(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hae-Won.
Am I saying it correctly?

Hae-Won.

I'm just gonna
throw it away. Hae-Won.

No.

(LAUGHS)

Hae...

(CHUCKLES)

Wait, I've got it.

Hae-Won.

(CHUCKLING)

Hae-Won.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLICKS TONGUE) Let me just see
if I'm pronouncing it correctly.

Sorry.

Hae-Won.

(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)

MAN: And cut.

Translated by Macb3th
Griffon's Army Member