All language subtitles for Its.a.Mad.Mad.Mad.Mad.World.1963.Criterion.1080p.BluRay

[Theme music plays]

[Crowd of people] It's a mad, mad, mad...

♪ Mad world

♪ In France the girls wear scanties

♪ But on lambchops they put panties

♪ I'm telling you it's a mad

♪ Mad, mad, mad world

♪ A Japanese named Luey

♪ Says the Chinese hate chop suey

♪ Without a doubt it's a mad

♪ Mad, mad, mad world

♪ The only thing you are sure of

♪ Is that nothing is sure

- ♪ Have a ball
- ♪ Live it up

♪ Only fools give it up

♪ Toujours the amour, but toujours

♪ So be a happy gaffer

♪ Be a screamer
Be a laugher

♪ Let boys be gay
and say, "What the hey?"

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world

♪ My dear old Uncle Herman

♪ Says that French toast
should be German

- ♪ Jawohl
- ♪ That's right

♪ It's a mad, mad

♪ Mad, mad world

♪ I know it may sound jerky

♪ But in Turkey who eats turkey?

♪ Yes, yes, confess, it's a mad

♪ Mad, mad, mad world

♪ Our traffic is so congested

♪ Mass confusion on wheels

♪ But Detroit is adroit
What they'll do in Detroit

♪ Is make bigger automobiles

♪ So be a happy fellow

♪ Be a clown, boy, Punchinello

♪ Get off the shelf and enjoy yourself

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad

- ♪ It's a mad
- ♪ It's a mad

♪ World! ♪

[thumping]

[Sawing]

[Rattling]

[Springing]

[Exploding]

[Rattles]

[Clucking]

[Screeching]

[Cracking]

[Crowing]

[Thumping]

[Pops, air hissing]

[Explosion]

[Coughing, gasping]

[Airplane engine whirring]

[Engine sputtering]

[Winding]

[Whirring]

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad...

[clicking]

[Car horn honking]

[Honking]

[Tires screeching, honking]

[Continues honking]

[Tires screeching]

[Continues honking]

Whoa!

Did you see it,
the way he went sailing right out there?

[Stammering]

- He just went sailing out there.
- It was just terrible.

He must have been doing over 80.

An ambulance...
We ought to call an ambulance.

Look at that car.

He must have gone by you
doing 90 miles an hour.

He was passing me! I never saw
such a crazy thing in my life!

- Let's get down there.
- Let's go.

We're going down there.

Russell, be careful.
Remember your condition.

Eh!

Boy, the way he just
sailed out there...

[all chattering]

[Man] Look out.

[Man 2] There's nobody in the car.

- He's right.
- What do you mean, nobody?

[Man 3] There he is.

[Man 4] Holy smoke!

How about that?
This guy's still alive.

He's still alive.

We ought to call an ambulance.

I don't know how he survived, the way
you went sailing right out there.

I'm not a doctor,
but I have some medical experience.

I'm a dentist.

Do you think you're hurt real bad?

Is he kidding?

Hold on, we're gonna get you
to a hospital.

You move me,
I'll break up in little pieces.

But what a deal.

Look, there's this dough, see?

There's all this dough: $350,000!

Do you hear what I'm saying?

$350,000!

In the park, in Rosita,
Rosita Beach State Park...

...just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.

It's in this box buried under this...

[coughing]

Buried under this big W.

You'll see it.

You'll see it under this...
under this big W.

You can't miss it, a big... a big W.

And it's been there...
And it's been laying there for 15 years.

[All chattering]

He's very sick. He may die.

Listen. I tell you,
I'm giving it to you.

And don't let them kid you.
Don't let them kid you.

Don't let them give you the business
because it was mine and I paid for it...

...paid for every lousy buck of it.

But watch out.

Watch out for the bulls.

Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere.

Bulls all over the place.

You just drive down and dig it up.

Dig it all up. [coughs]

And then...

And then you fix yourselves all up.

Fix yourselves all up.

Walk down the street like a king,
back to the old neighborhood.

See the fellas, the dames...

...the dames, all with a big hello...

...a big hello for old Smiler.

Good old Smiler...

...everybody's friend.

Everybody's...

- Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it!
- Holy mackerel! Take it easy.

Please, say it don't make
any difference, Aunt Belle!

Please, you got to say...

You got to tell me
it don't make any difference!

For heaven's sake, tell him.

It... It don't make any difference.

[Bucket rattling]

That guy's dead.
You'd better believe it.

I believe it, all right.

But if he jumps up again,
I'm getting the hell out of here.

- What a routine he went through.
- Somebody ought to cover him up.

What are you looking at?
All I got is this sweater.

I got a blanket in the truck.

Do you think
there was anything in all that?

- He was just raving. He flipped.
- [Tires screech]

Hey. This must...
This must be the police.

Think we ought to tell them
what he said?

Don't say anything
or we'll be here all day.

We got to be in Vegas this afternoon.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma.

My wife and I are on
our second honeymoon.

My wife's up there with her mother.
We're on our way to Lake Mead.

What's to argue about? Just clam up.
Don't say nothing.

This way, we get out of here.

Are you a police officer?

[Echoing] Yep!

- How long ago did this happen?
- A few minutes ago.

About five minutes ago.

- Any of you actually see it happen?
- Well, uh...

- He passed me on the curve...
- Did anybody actually see it?

He was passing me
when he sailed right out there.

- Right over there, up there.
- Who was the first down here?

- We all went down.
- [All chattering]

Was he dead?

Was he already dead?

I said, "Was he already dead
when you got down here?"

Practically.

He was still alive.
Did he say anything?

- Did he say anything before he died?
- What about?

[Shouts] What do you mean, "what about?"

Did he say anything
or didn't he say anything?

- He was raving, Officer.
- Raving? What about?

Well, he said...
What he said was sort of...

Embarrassing.

What was? Come on.

He thought
that this fellow was his aunt.

- His aunt?
- Yeah. His Aunt Belle.

Must have had an aunt
named Aunt Belle.

All right!

Did he make any kind of statement?
Any last messages?

He didn't make that clear at all.

He didn't make anything clear.
Can we get going?

Just a minute.

I'll get your names
and where you can be reached.

We're on our honeymoon.
We don't know where we'll be.

We can't stick around.

We're due in Las Vegas.
We don't know how long we'll stay there.

I got a van of furniture to get to Yuma
before I get back to...

We stopped to see if we could help.

We was too late. Let us go, okay?

We'll hold services for him later.
We got our lives to live.

- We ain't had breakfast yet.
- All right.

I'll have to get your name, anyway.

Hold it.

Me?

- Why?
- In case the coroner wants a statement.

J. Russell Finch,
2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.

I won't be home for a few weeks
but you can get me through my office.

- What'd you say?
- Where is your office?

Pacific Edible Seaweed Company
and it's in Fresno.

- You can call my secretary.
- Ambulance is on its way.

Yeah.

- Is he dead?
- Yeah.

We'd better shift those cars.
They're on the curb.

That's all we can get from this group.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks.

Well...

There's an unexpected twist for you.

They're not going to like this
down at Santa Rosita.

- Culpeper's going to scream.
- Yeah.

- We better get our story straight if...
- What story?

He woke up as usual.
He started driving his car.

He stopped for breakfast.

He went to the gents' room,
climbed out the back window.

So what? Even Culpeper can't say
we should've been in there with him.

What got me is the way
he went sailing out there.

If I have to climb much more,
I'll be laying there with him.

Poor soul.

[Man coughing]

[All] Uh...

Melville, what happened?

We couldn't do anything for him.
Nothing we could do. Come on.

[Woman] Well?

Uh...

- It was a terrible thing.
- Russell, I feel sick.

Take it easy. These things happen.

What kind of attitude is that,
"these things happen"?

They only happen because this country
is full of people...

...who, when things happen,
just say, "These things happen."

- And that's why they happen!
- Let's try not to get upset.

Come on.

We got to have control
of what happens to us.

If we left it up to you,
we'd never hear the last of it.

- [Woman continues]
- [Russell] You're right.

[Woman] Do you know what those half-wit
morons up in Sacramento do about it?

They just sit there with their big feet
up on their big desk...

...milking 15 million people of...
- Listen, I want to say something.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I've got to say something.

- What are you looking at?
- I'm watching something.

Benjy, turn around, sit still.

- Play it straight.
- They're not kiddin'. They went for it.

Yeah? What are you going to do now?

I want you to tell me everything
that man told you, word for word.

Don't leave out anything.

But do you think he really meant it?

Monica, I don't know about anybody else,
but some of them believed it.

Like those two back there.
[Shouts] Don't look over there!

I know where it is. It's under a big W.
That's what he said.

Like a windmill or a waterfall
or something.

I hope it's not under a waterfall.
[Chuckles]

Think of something that starts with a W.

Wealth. Which.

Let's see. Where.

Work. That's it.
I got to work on where it is.

One thing Dr. Carroll said was Russell
was to have no undue excitement...

...for at least two weeks
because of his condition.

- But...
- That's why we came on this trip...

...so Russell could relax.
You should have told the police.

You keep saying that.
What's the police got to do with it?

I think the police were chasing him.
They drove up so fast.

Why shouldn't they've been chasing him?
He was speeding.

I'm only thinking
of Russell's condition.

You mean his financial condition.
That's the only condition he has.

Do you know why your husband
had a nervous breakdown?

It's because he has sunk $40,000,
including $15,000 of my money...

...into a company that makes
seaweed for people to eat.

Not only does nobody like it,
it costs $4 a can.

- Yeah, but...
- "Yeah, but," what?

Most people like it and I like it.

I'm working hard,
trying to keep the costs down.

You were working hard
to keep the costs down...

...the day you ran
into the street screaming.

- Mother!
- Emmeline, shut up! And you, too!

Maybe he was playing
a trick on everybody.

Did you think about that?
He might have been a practical joker.

Oh... Monica! Practical!

What kind of man is going to play a
practical joke on complete strangers...

...with every bone in his body broken?

- Watch! Watchtower!
- No.

- Wall...
- No.

- Walnut tree.
- No, no!

- Walnuts.
- No!

- In bags.
- No!

Why are we doing only 35?
Step on it! See what happens.

- Mother!
- They'll see what we're doing.

Go ahead and try it.
What've you got to lose?

Mother, he's not that good a driver.

- Uh-huh.
- A-ha!

Going to leave the big boy behind?

[Tires screeching]

What are you doing?
Why are we slowing down?

It's no use.
We can't lose them this way.

The inside of my stomach...

What's that idiot in the truck doing?

What's he doin' back there?

I bet he's running out of gas. Good!

[Man] What happened to you?

- Having trouble with your engine?
- Run out of gas?

- What, you bend your tailpipe?
- No. It was just one of my tires.

I thought...

Shucks! Okay, so I was trying to...

Rats.

This whole thing...
I think we're making a big mistake.

- I absolutely agree.
- So?

We're being silly
running around like this.

- Sure. We're getting nowhere.
- By george, he's right.

Let's do something sensible.
Let's just discuss this thing...

...and reason something out.
- I'm with you.

And we can come to some conclusion
like intelligent people.

- Let's do that: What he said.
- [Horn honking]

Yeah. That way nobody will have an
advantage on one another, right?

It's fair.

We'd better get the cars off that curve.

Let's not talk here, but over there.
There's plenty of room.

Fine, see you over there.

Over there.

You're through to Homicide.

Santa Rosita Police Station...

...Detective Division.

I'm connecting you now.
Santa Rosita Police Station.

Detective Division. Matthews.

No, Sheriff, the Chief isn't here.
He's a little late this morning.

I'll stay late after school. Who is it?

- Sheriff, Crockett County.
- Who?

- That's where the Smiler is.
- I wonder if anything happened.

Gertie, will you put
that call through here?

How about some coffee, Schwartz?

Hello, Sheriff. Culpeper.

What'd he do, make a break?
What happened?

Afraid I got some bad news.

- Grogan's cashed in his chips.
- He what?

[Man] He crashed his car
about 20 minutes ago.

He was making a break, all right.

How did it happen?
Where did it happen?

On 39, about 18 miles east
of Danby Junction.

- Nine miles west of Valley Center.
- Were there any witnesses?

[Man] A few people went down
to see if they could help.

- Was he killed outright?
- I don't know, but I can find out.

[Culpeper] Do that. See what they said.

Thanks very much, Sheriff.

Well...

It's a great way to start the day.

You wait for 15 years
to solve a really important case...

...and just when you...

[shouts]

It's all right, Chief.
I'll get it for you.

He did it again.

[Laughs]

[Culpeper] Get that fella's number!
Get his number!

Get that fella's number!
Get his number!

[Siren wailing]

[Man on radio] Item: One large furniture
van. Item: One red Volkswagen.

That's them. Call in.

2-1-6-2, 2-1-5-8.

We just made all four of them
parked alongside the road.

They're standing there talking. Over.

[Man on radio] Sammy, let that ambulance
go. And stay by the radio.

The man said there was a certain amount
of money buried in this park.

Under a big W.

What is a big W?

We find out, we'll send you a wire.

[Laughs]

It's only a possibility
that this man was telling the truth.

If it was the truth, then it is a fact
this place is almost 200 miles away.

I suggest we quietly get
into our cars...

...and drive down there
at a safe, sound speed...

...keeping in sight of each other.

When we get there, we dig up the money,
providing there is money...

...and if we do find it, we share it
amongst us in a simple manner.

He's got a point. He's got something.

- We should go straight to the police.
- The police? Why?

It's all right, she's with us.
What's this "fair shares for everybody"?

We arrived in four vehicles. I think
we should split it up in four quarters.

Four quarters?
What are you talking about? Quarters?

You mean you three each get a quarter
and we have to split a quarter?

- That's right.
- What are you trying to pull?

- Seems fair to me.
- Naturally, it's fair to you.

- It just cheats us, that's all.
- $350,000 divided by four is...

[mutters]... let's say, $87,500.

That's what it is.

The three of you get $87,500
and Benjy and I have to split.

There was five of us down at the wreck.
We should split it five ways.

He's right. We should.

I'm perfectly willing to discuss it
in a five-way manner.

We can discuss it in a five-way manner,
five shares...

...each share would be $70,000...

$70,000?

Holy mackerel!

You realize how many loads
I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma...

You're overlooking one thing.

- We're overlooking...
- What little thing?

- What little thing?
- We can all count.

- There were eight of us.
- There were eight of us.

Speaking for my wife and myself,
we'd be just as happy...

Happy with two-eighths instead
of a quarter? Awfully big of you.

Wait a minute, hold it.
Put it back the way it was before.

Either one quarter for each car,

including the van,
or one fifth for each guy.

- Because this old bag has to stick...
- How dare you!

Chief, we got a situation here
that is absolutely incredible.

- Look, Smiler Grogan... Remember him?
- Yes.

Smiler Grogan spent the night here, see?

Made his break this morning.

He drove up this way, got to here,
crashed and killed himself.

But before he died,
some people stopped to help him.

They are now stopped here, talking.

I think they're arguing about something.

And a Crockett County unit
has got them under observation.

We give shares to everybody
and for everything.

Now, there are eight of us.

There's eight shares for that.
Then there were four vehicles.

If we give four shares for that,
that's 12 shares already.

There were five of us
who went down to the wreck.

We give five shares for that.

That makes it 17, right?

Now, 17 shares and then we add...

...the same number of shares
as people in each vehicle.

Three for your group, two for yours,
two for us, and one for you.

That adds up to 25 shares.

25 into 350,000 is $14,000 per share.

Figured like that would mean...

...you'd get three shares for being
three people, one for the car...

...one share for going down
and looking at the wreck...

...and three for being
three more people in the car.

A total of eight shares,
giving you $112,000.

That should cover everything,
including the emancipation of women.

Let's see now.

I got one share for being one person...

...one share for going down the hill,
one share for the truck...

...one share for being a person
in the truck.

But no matter how you figure it out, I
still don't get as much as anybody else.

Let me explain it once more.

Their group, they, those three of them,
they get $112,000, right?

Those over there, them,
they get $97,000.

We, us, we get $84,000.

And you, by yourself,
you get $56,000...

...alone.

- That's tax-free money.
- What do you mean, tax-free?

If we go down to this park
and we uncover the money...

I'm sure he's not going
to declare anything.

I know he's not going
to declare anything.

- I'm not going to declare...
- What are you talking about, declare it?

I mean, it's like non-taxable income.

It's like a gift.

If we find the money,
we still have to report the taxes.

Otherwise, it's like stealing
from the government.

[Mutters] You explain it to him, please.

Who me?

If we find the money,
there may not be taxes to pay on it...

...because we found it.

- What he was trying to say is...
- Everybody has to pay taxes.

Even businessmen that rob,
steal and cheat people every day...

...even they have to pay taxes.

I give up. Anybody got a better,
fairer plan, go ahead.

There were eight of us there,
so that simply means eight shares.

- Three for us, two for you...
- This is hopeless.

We'll get no place if we continue
listening to this old bag.

Lady, you trying to split us up
so every man's for himself?

And every woman for himself?

One more funny remark from you...

- Let's get out of here.
- Please, don't argue anymore.

We figured it 17 different ways.

Every time we figured it,
it was no good.

No matter how we figured it,
somebody didn't like it.

Now there's only one way to figure it.

And that is, every man...

...including the old bag, for himself!

- Good luck and may the best man win!
- Right!

Except you, lady.
May you just drop dead!

All right. We all agree on that.

Let's be sensible about this thing.
There's money in this for all of us.

There's enough for you.
There's enough for you...

...for me...

...and for you...

...and there's enough for...

Melville, my shoe!

Get in the car!

[Man] 2-1-5-8, 2-1-6-2, four cars under
observation are passing this checkpoint.

Lead car is Plymouth station wagon.

Next, the Ford van, the Volkswagen...

...and the Chrysler Imperial
convertible, all doing about 50.

Yep, they're on their way.

[Culpeper] All traveling
in the same direction?

Right. According to my boys...

...they're all
on reckless driving charges already.

None of those people must suspect
that anybody's interested in them.

Now, Sheriff,
will you get on to Capt. Hardesty...

...and see how many helicopters
he can let us have?

I'll see what we can do
and I'll call you back.

Now, where have I always told you
that the Smiler hid the dough?

- I know.
- Where?

- Right there.
- That's right, yeah.

If these merrymakers
decide to go for it...

...they'll go to the crossroads
and turn south.

But why did Smiler head east
when he made his break...

...if the money is down here somewhere?

- Oh!
- [Chuckles]

Aloysius, the guy is just being clever.
You can't...

5 will get you 10...

...they turn south at the crossroads.
- You got yourself a bet.

[Tires screeching]

"Mount Shasta National Forest."
Are we near...

That's on the top!
Look down near the bottom.

- Are we near Oregon?
- That's 700 miles from here.

[Tires screeching]

Don't pass it!

[Tires screeching]

You'll lose your license.

We've got the lmperial
and we're running last?

I can't pass them on the curves.

Go on. Go ahead. Look, there's a space!

You waiting for an engraved invitation?

[Russell] Get over!

[Woman] Get over to the side
where you belong!

[Horn honking]

[Tires screeching]

[Rattling]

I said it before and I'll say it again.

I didn't want to move to California.

- Did you find it yet?
- I can't find it anywhere.

Take the wheel. Give me the map.

Take the wheel! Give me the map.

It must be here.
Right over here. Valley Center!

It's right here.

There's an airfield not far...

- [both yelling]
- Get it off your face!

- Get it off me!
- Don't go in there!

Swing over! Watch out!

- Take it off.
- Get it off!

I've had enough.

- They're going to hire airplanes.
- Never mind. Go!

- But they'll be there hours before...
- I said never mind. Let's go!

Nobody's getting me up in the air.

[Metal rattling]

I wanted to be reasonable,
give them reasonable shares.

No. They wanted every man for himself.

I'm going to show them
what kind of man they're dealing with.

[Engine sputtering]

[Man] It's stalled, Benjy.
We got dust in the carburetor.

When the people who own this see this,
I sure hate to think...

Never mind.

Here's the bike.

Get to the nearest phone
and hire the best car you can find.

But this is a girl's bike.
This is for a little girl.

I've got to get this stuff back
so I can lock up the van.

We'll put everything away.
Will you get going? Hurry.

Okay.

I got to admit...

...I feel kind of silly.

You know what I mean?

Will you take us or won't you?

For $250, I guess I will.

You take care of the plane.
We'll leave our car here till tomorrow.

- I'll give you a check.
- Check?

Traveler's check from
the Bank of America. Don't worry.

- Oh, boy.
- Hey!

Are you a pilot?
Is there a plane around?

Right both times.

Where's an airplane? I don't see any.

There's only one. We've chartered it.

- So you and your friend...
- Did you make a deal with them?

- Right.
- Where can we charter another plane?

- Nearest place is North Valley.
- Where's that?

Other side of Valley Center,
about 12 miles, 15 miles.

- Excuse us.
- Filibuster, filibuster.

You can stick around
and watch us take off.

Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.

I hate you so much, I'm not able to tell
you how much in front of your wife.

Vice versa.

- [Yelling]
- Come on over here! Come on!

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Had an accident?

- Anyone hurt?
- No, but we've got to get to a phone.

Can you give us a lift?

Of course, I should be
absolutely delighted.

Upsy-daisy. I'm afraid you
caught me on the hub there.

Madam, do be careful.
I have some cactus specimens...

- Oh!
- I'm most frightfully sorry.

I've been gathering some samples
of desert flora.

Where shall I put this?

Boy.

Good morning.

It certainly is. We're in a hurry.
We've got to get to a phone.

Of course, with pleasure.

Jolly nasty accident there.
Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Where did you get that funny accent?
Are you from Harvard or something?

Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Sounds so foreign.

Really? I say,
we haven't introduced ourselves.

My name is Algernon Hawthorne...
Col. Hawthorne.

- You're a colonel?
- Lieutenant colonel, actually.

My name is Finch. This is my wife.

This is my mother-in-law, Mrs. Marcus.

Do stuff those in the back.

Cactus. It's rather a hobby of mine.

Spent the last 10 days
gathering some for my collection.

Nothing spectacular, actually.

Cereus echinocactus, opuntia.
That sort of thing.

Been enjoying a spot of leave
from Vandenberg.

- From what?
- Vandenberg.

The missile place.

I've been attached there
for the last 10 months. Liaison work.

All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.

[Laughs]

That sort of thing, you know.

[Chuckling]

Please, will you look at the road?

Yes. Whoosh-whoosh.

- Don't stop! Keep moving!
- Mother!

That big stupid lout! He ran into us.
Keep moving!

I won't fly in this old...
Listen to it.

Look at how it's shuddering.

Can't we go on our second honeymoon
and forget all about this?

Honey, please, darling.
Believe me, everything is all right.

Do you think I'd take a chance with you

if there was any danger
in flying this thing?

This plane is really built.

When was this plane built?

1916.

1916. These planes are tried and true.

There's nothing experimental
about these planes.

So, come on.
Let's have one big adventure.

Get up there and have some fun.
Here we go.

- That scratched the paint.
- Help!

[Engine sputtering]

Haven't you got another car...

What? All right. Thanks.

Are you sure you can't rent us
that truck? I'll pay.

I told you, we can't.

This is our first week open.
How could we do without our truck?

We're in business.

We'll have to speak to the Englishman.
If we tell him what happened...

How can you admit we're involved...

- He'll say he's entitled to a share.
- He would be if he drove us there.

If we don't tell him, he won't.

You're such a genius.

Listen! Only 10 percent!

There's no reason
he should expect any more!

Thanks for stopping.
Can you give me a lift?

What's with the kiddy bicycle?
Are you some kind of a nut?

No. I had an accident.
I got to get to Santa Rosita fast.

Can't help you.
I'm turning off a little way up.

Wait, let me think.

I got to tell somebody.
Could you spare a couple of hours?

Couple of hours?

You've been out in the sun too long.
You're starting to crack up.

Wait a minute. Listen.

Just hear me out.

What I'm gonna tell you, you just ain't
going to believe it could've happened.

There was an accident here
a little while back...

...about 20 miles back.
It involved $350,000.

Now, like I say...

...when I tell you this, you just ain't
going to believe it could've happened.

Try me. I'm pretty gullible.

[Engine rattling]

[Engine sputtering]

What bothers me is this big W.

You sure you told me all you know?
You don't know what that guy meant?

No, none of them know.
It's just who gets there first.

What do you say? Is it a deal?

Um... Deal!

Kid, you better get
that bike out of there.

Somebody could trip over it in the dark.

[Tire pops, air hissing]

[Horn honking]

Fellas, I'm glad you're here.
Look, I need your help.

I had this blowout.
I think a spare's in the back.

It may be a little flat.
Is there an airport anyplace around?

If the spare's flat, don't fix it.
Give me a new tire.

You ain't got a new tire, fix the spare.

But don't look at me, move it.
You could be gassing up.

What is it, a staring contest?
Move, move, will you? Come on!

The pension in my grade...

...has not been upped
one red cent since 1934.

Now... Uh...

If the Mayor
will get behind a resolution...

What can I do?
I can't put any pressure on the Mayor!

You can, Al.

That's the whole point.

This case,
I'll have finished by tonight.

It's one of the biggest cases
we've ever had across our books.

Tell the Mayor about it.

Tell him the money is right here,
where I always said it was...

...right in this neighborhood.

Tell him what credit will be reflected
upon the department.

Come on, Aloysius,
get in there and pitch for me.

I can try.

He'll listen to you.

If he gets behind this,
it'll pass unanimously.

Now, you know...

You know, Al, I got it coming.

I'll do everything I can.

- You know that, don't you?
- Yes.

There's just one other little thing...

No. Nothing.

Vacation.

Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way,
my desk is clear.

I'd like to take a three-week vacation.
Take Ginger on a real nice holiday.

- Is that all right with you?
- Of course it's all right.

Thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.

- You won't forget about the Mayor?
- No.

I'll do my best. I promise you that.

Aloysius,
I'll never forget you for this.

You know something, Al?
I got a feeling this morning...

...that everything's coming my way.

[Chuckles]

Sylvester!

- [Tires screeching]
- [Mrs. Marcus screaming]

- Why did you do that?
- Why are you shouting?

- Do you have to scare everybody?
- Are you crazy?

Why didn't I think?

We've been running around like lunatics.

Why didn't I think about Sylvester?
He's sitting there right now.

- He lives on Silver Strand Beach.
- I never thought of that.

- Who on earth is Sylvester?
- My son, Emmeline's brother.

He's a lifeguard there.

I'm not entirely certain
that you haven't damaged this machine.

Kid, don't mind polishing.
I got a lot of cars. Don't bother.

You did a good job.

Have a drink on me. Keep the change.

I took care of your buddy.
Let me go now.

You!

No! It's that lunatic
who escaped from the asylum!

Watch him! He's a homicidal maniac!

Get on the phone, yell "Mayday."

Listen to me. I'm a psychiatrist.

This man is insane! I'm not your nurse.

He has a hate complex.

Calm down!

Somebody will stumble
over the bicycle in the dark, huh?

When I finish with you, they'll be
stumbling over you in the dark!

Get on the phone!

Look out!

- [Both shouting]
- Look, I was clowning.

Get out of here! Sir, wait a minute.

You've got this all...
Why don't you stop?

I tell you. I'll kill you!

[Shouting]

You got this... Wait!

- Don't take it so...
- [bell dinging]

Will you stop staring and get out of...

He's out of his head.

- He's crazy!
- Want us to call... Ray!

It's a brand-new pump!

- Get out of here!
- Stop that!

Stop that! He's crazy!

- [Glass shatters]
- Hey.

Very good. Quick thinking.
I'm proud of you.

Very good. Tie him up.

I'll have some orderlies come by
with a straitjacket.

- Very good. I'm proud of you.
- I never saw anything...

- How many people has he killed?
- There'll be more.

Tie him up for the boys
in the white jackets.

I'm proud of you, boys.
You did a real good job.

Look me up. I'm in the book.
Dr. Zillman.

- Sir, we've got to get to Santa Rosita.
- I tell you, this is a club.

We don't do charters.
Nobody here can take you.

- Whose plane is that?
- That belongs to Mr. Tyler Fitzgerald.

He isn't going anywhere today.

- Is he here? Can we see him?
- Mr. Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.

- He's asleep. Nobody can talk to him.
- Can we ask him a question?

- No, you can't.
- [Phone rings]

Hello? Wait a minute!

Come on, Benjy.
That must be Mr. Fitzgerald over there!

- You can't disturb Mr. Fitzgerald!
- We just want to talk to him.

- Let him rest, please.
- Hello.

- Sh!
- Don't shush me!

We're trying to talk to him.

Wake up, won't you please?

- [Snoring]
- I think he's got a cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.

We hate to disturb your sleep,
but it's an emergency.

You've no right to crash in here.

[Coughing, grunting]

That's a head cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald,
you know where Rosita Beach is?

- Only you can get us there.
- It's a matter of life and death.

Right, a matter of life and death.

- It's our grandmother. She's dying.
- Who's dying?

Our grandmother is dying
and she's sent for us.

She's in Rosita Beach.
She's dying and we're up here.

She'd like us with her when she goes.

Otherwise, she won't go.

- She'll go.
- Sir, they forced their way in here.

No, we didn't. Let me introduce myself.

I'm Dingy Bell. This is Benjy Benjamin.

- How do you do?
- Don't start with that!

Sir, we'd like you to help us out
by taking us down...

- What's the matter?
- Wait just a minute.

I can't see!
Something's happened to my eyes.

[Stammering] I can't see!

You can't see? He can't see.

- Must be an eye cold.
- George, I can't see.

- [George] One minute, Mr. Fitzgerald.
- I can't see! George!

George!

[Screaming]

Mr. Fitzgerald!

We want to make sure
he doesn't get loose.

I'll kill that dirty rotten bum...

...if I get my hands on him.
What's the matter?

How come I'm tied up like this?

Just sit there.
Everything will be all right.

Yeah. Friends are coming
to take care of you.

What friends?
What are you talking about?

Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose.

Take it easy. You've been sick.

Who's been sick?
And where's that bum with the glasses?

[Stammering] Now just sit still,
because the doctor is going...

What doctor? I don't know no doctor.
What are you guys, crazy or something?

I'm warning you.
Get this stuff off me, you understand?

- Get this stuff off me!
- Watch him, Ray, watch him!

I'm warning you!
I'm going to have to hit you again.

Ow!

My arm! You broke my arm!

[Grunting]

You keep this up
and I'm going to get sore.

Okay. That's the way you want it,
that's the way you're going to get it.

[Both shouting]

- I'll kill you!
- Whoo!

- Help! He's ruining our place!
- Come on, Ray!

- You better get out of here, mister!
- Leave us alone!

[Screaming]

- Uh-huh. There you are.
- What are we going to do?

Dr. Zillman! Dr. Zillman!

[Screaming]

Help! Put me down!
Put me down immediately!

[Screams]

- That's the way you want it?
- Help! Help!

[Shouting]

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

[Clattering, crashing]

You're getting out of line. I'm not
kidding. I've had all I can take.

Irwin, we'll have to kill him.

- Ready?
- Ready.

- Set?
- Set.

[Both] Charge!

[Trumpet fanfare]

He's going nuts! He's really nuts!

- Go away!
- You'd better get out of here!

I mean it, I don't want to...

What'll we do?

Go away!

[Screaming]

[Phone rattling]

[Phone ringing]

♪ Got a baby who can give me 31 flavors

♪ And we like tutti-frutti best

♪ I call him ice cream Joe
He is the most delicious boy I know

Go, baby, go! [laughs]

♪ He gives me 31 flavors

- ♪ And we like tutti-frutti best
- Yeah, yeah!

- ♪ I just love him so
- Yeah, yeah!

[Chuckles] Ah, yeah!

- [Chortling]
- ♪ Thirty-one flavors

- ♪ And we like tutti-frutti best
- Oh!

[Phone ringing]

♪ Bananas, I'm gonna eat

- [music continues]
- [Laughs] Don't stop! Go!

Whoo!

[Phone rattling]

He's got to be home.

He never gets up this early.
Why doesn't he answer?

I hope you won't mind my asking,
but what sort of chap...

...is this brother-in-law of yours?

He's a nut. Why?

I hope he's nothing like
my brother-in-law. Peculiar chap.

Secretary of a golf club
out near Pangbourne.

So what about him?

I was thinking that if Reggie,
my brother-in-law...

If Reggie got hold of information
like this information...

...it's likely that would be
the last time...

...anyone would ever see or hear
of dear old Reggie. [chuckles]

I doubt very much whether old Reggie
will be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.

Cheers.

[Man shouting]

Tyler! Tyler's probably
still in the shower.

Tyler! There he is! Tyler!

- Tyler!
- You promised!

Hey! I'll wake him up. Tyler!

- Tyler!
- Huh? Huh?!

- Wake up! Come on now!
- [Mumbling]

- Get out of here!
- Wait!

Ah!

Mr. Fitzgerald!

[Rattling]

You think I'll sit still
while some un-American foreigner...

...makes accusations about
my own flesh and blood?

We'll see about that. Stop this car!

[Tires screech]

- Really, madam.
- Mother, this is awful!

- So we'll see!
- Mother, what are you doing?

You don't trust your brother-in-law?
Let me tell you something.

If my boy is out, then everybody is out.
So we'll see.

We don't even own the car
and you have no right to do what you do.

Rights? You talk to me about rights?

Mother...

You address me on the subject of rights?

Trouble? Having any trouble?

Yes! And we don't need
any help from you.

Well!

- Mother, please.
- Ah!

With all due respect, this is too much.

Give Mr. Hawthorne the keys
or we'll never get there.

Too bad.

Madam, I must say I find your attitude
somewhat less than helpful.

And what's all this got to do with you,
if you don't mind telling me?

If we have quite decided
to withdraw from this affair...

...you might be expected to hand me back
my keys so that I could press on.

You keep out of this!
Are we calling Sylvester or not?

No!

We are not. And I'll tell you why.
Because your son, Sylvester...

...is an irresponsible, unreliable,
big loudmouth, no-good bum...

...who, if he isn't a crook,
it's only because...

...he hasn't got the brains or ambition
even to become a crook.

Good show!

If you want to come, you can.
If you don't want to, you don't have to.

But you've got to give us those keys or
you'll force us to take them from you!

Here, here.

Give us those keys.
Give us those keys.

I don't care where you have them.
I'll get them.

- How dare you.
- Give us those keys.

- You take one more step towards me...
- I'll take another step.

I'm warning you.
You're gonna be sorry!

- Give me the keys.
- You're gonna get it, but good!

- Ah!
- Oof!

- Emmeline!
- Emmeline, stay in the car!

Grab her!

[All shouting]

Russell, don't! Mother!

- Put me down!
- Must be stuck.

Russell, you wouldn't.
You couldn't! You shouldn't!

Let me go! Let me get out of here!

I got 'em! Here they are.

We really didn't want to do it.
But that was the only way. Upsy-daisy.

Don't hit him. Ow!

Madam, please! Please!

You forced us. You forced us.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry,
but you forced us.

- Do us a favor and get back in the car.
- Get away from me! Don't you touch me!

- We had to do it. You saw it, honey.
- Russell, let me go.

Just wait.
You can't manhandle a decent woman.

You're going to jail!
You'll be arrested for assault.

I'm going to sue for everything you've
got. Take your hands off my daughter!

I say, if we are going,
we really must get cracking.

Russell, how could you?

- You know we had to...
- Mr. Finch!

Please don't go. We'll be right
with you. See, she made us do it.

Let's forget the whole thing
and be reasonable.

- Please get back in the car.
- Not me!

We are wasting so much time.
Give me the keys.

[Engine sputtering]

[Car horn honking]

The cars are going faster than we are.

Can't you make this thing
go a little faster?

Wide open, I can.
But wide open eats up a lot of gas.

Then open up wide. I'll pay for the gas.

- It'll cost you about $50.
- Okay, I'll pay when we land.

- Now!
- I got to pay now?

- Now!
- All right, I'll pay you now.

- Melville...
- What?

A bug! Get him off! [screams]

Get him off! There he is! Get him!

- You're breaking up the airplane!
- Is it down there?

[Shouting]

- Now you're breaking the floor!
- [Metal tearing]

- [Melville] Help!
- [Monica] Melville!

None of these 10 people
have any record at all.

And we're ready to book 'em
for withholding information...

...causing accidents,
failing to report accidents...

...reckless driving, theft, at least
three cases of assault and battery...

- Capt. Culpeper?
- Yeah.

- That my home?
- Yes, sir.

Uh, Sheriff, excuse me. Another call.

Take the Sheriff. I'll take it in here.

Freddy, transfer Mrs. Culpeper
to Culpeper's office.

- Hello, Ginger?
- [Girl] Daddy, it's Billie Sue.

Oh. Let me speak with
your mother, sweetheart.

[Woman] Well?

Ah, dear.

Tell me something, Ginger.
How does it feel being married...

...to the most brilliant personality
in the law enforcement industry?

[Ginger] Are you referring to yourself?

Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself
for a little shock.

When I tell you what has happened...

[Ginger] So tell me.
I've got this biscuit dough...

The Smiler Grogan case is solved.

[Ginger] The what?

What the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?

The tuna factory robbery.

The case I've been talking about
for the last 15 years.

All I want you to do
is make all the preparations...

...for a little flight to Hawaii,
Sunday morning.

- [Ginger] So what's the gag?
- It is no gag.

[Ginger] Are you serious
about flying to Hawaii?

[Chuckles]

Flight 7, Sunday morning.

- [Ginger] Are we taking Billie Sue?
- No!

Just the two of us
for about three weeks.

Now, we're going to celebrate, Ginger.

My feeling is that after 27 years...

...we've earned it.

[Tires screeching]

What's the matter?

- I need help. Can you give me a lift?
- What?

My wife is sick.
The doc sent me out for some medicine.

All right. Come on.

- I just ran out of gas.
- Get in!

- You?
- You?

Wait a minute. We're in trouble.

Everybody's in trouble.
Get out of the way.

You think we wanted
to leave you back there?

It was my son-in-law
and that Englishman.

What Englishman? Get out of the way.

You leave us here,
and you know what you're going to get?

Nothing! We'll get it all.

How will you do that?

I'll call my son. He lives
about 10 miles from Rosita Beach.

He'll drive there and get the money
and we're going to have it. That's how!

I was going to offer you a share
for taking us to a phone.

But because you're not interested,
we'll wait for another car.

We're making a terrible mistake.

We should go back
and get my mother-in-law.

- Go back?
- Yes.

You couldn't be serious.

All she has to do is get to a telephone,
my brother-in-law will get there first.

They'll get all and we won't get a dime.
You can believe that.

[Stammers] But look here.

Even if she does get all the money,
this won't make any difference...

...to our agreement.
She wouldn't break her word.

I mean to say, I'd still be entitled
to 10 percent as agreed. Surely.

Surely. Come on, let's go.

[Phone dings]

- [Woman] Operator.
- Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.

...and then that dirty, rotten,
slimy bum that double-crossed me.

When I get a hold of that smart aleck,
what I'm going to do...

If you're there, I hope you turn away...

...that's all,
that you just look the other way.

[Footsteps approaching]

Did you get him?

Maybe he went out
for the papers or something.

We can keep on trying.

Just supposing we never do get him?
We might be the last ones there.

Just a minute. Down there?

You're kidding. It's too steep.

I drive my jeep down here every day.
Let's go!

Yeah, let's go. Let's...

[rattling]

You can turn around here.
I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks.

Yeah, swell, yeah.

[Engine revving]

Hi, Eddie.

[Engine revving]

I got to get out of here.

Will you ask your father to show me?
There must be some other way out!

Come on! Hurry up!

I could show you a way out.
There's another way to the road.

You know another way to the road?
Good. Come on in. Don't stand there.

If you show me the way out,
I'll give you $1.

- Hm... $3.
- $3? Why, you...

Yeah, all right. I'll give you $3.

But don't stand there, hop in the car.
Hurry kid, I got to get out of here!

[Engine rattling]

- They're not here.
- Probably got a lift.

We only passed six or seven cars
and they weren't in them.

Somebody must have
taken them the other way.

I think we better go back
to that place we phoned from.

What? That's miles
in the wrong direction.

Besides, we can't be certain
they'll be there.

I don't know, I must find my wife.
And I don't know what to do.

Wherever they are...

...surely the most sensible thing
is for the two of us to press on.

For all we know, your brother-in-law
may be out or away somewhere.

Even if he were the first there,
he still has to find the money.

I earnestly recommend
we forget your good ladies...

...and press on
with all possible dispatch.

All right. We'll press on
with all possible dispatch.

And I don't really think
that personal rancor...

...is going to help the situation,
if I may say so.

- [Tire explodes]
- [Monica shrieks]

Okay, come on, honey.
Let's go. We're here.

We got here first. Let's go.
Come on. I got you.

Atta boy, baby.

We made it. We're here first.

Take care of my car
until we get back, right?

Come on, let's go.
Will you go? Come on!

[Man] Over there?

There?

Down there?

[Brakes squealing]

That'll be $2.90.

$2.90? Here's $3.00.
Keep the change, but wait for us, okay?

Oh, sure.

Wise guy. Come on, let's go.

- No, we're closed. It's 12:00.
- It's 12:00. They're closed.

Wait a minute!
All we want is a pick and a shovel!

Mr. Dinkler's inside.

Dinkler. That's it.
We'll get Dinkler. Come on.

Ah!

Downstairs. Come on.

They must be here someplace.
Down here, yeah.

Look for a pick and a shovel, all right?

Pick and a shovel,
must be someplace around.

That's all I need.

That's all I need, boy.
That's all I need, a pick and a shovel.

I found it!

Got it! [chuckles]

- But there...
- I got it! I found it!

I've no wish to quarrel with you,
but speaking as a representative...

...of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,
I take the most particular exception...

You want me to tell you something?
As far as I'm concerned...

...the whole British race
is practically finished.

If we hadn't kept
your whole country afloat...

...by giving you billions
you never even said thank you for...

...the whole phony outfit would be
sunk under the Atlantic years ago.

- [Tires screech]
- Hey.

- What are you stopping for?
- Get out of this machine.

Get out? You're crazy!

It's my machine.
I'll do as I bloody well please. Out!

I'm awfully sorry.
I've been very edgy today.

If I said anything about England,
I apologize.

I'm glad to hear you say so.

I must say, if I had the misfortune

to be a citizen
of this benighted country...

...I should be most hesitant
in offering any criticism of any other.

Wait a minute.
Are you knocking this country?

Are you saying something
against America?

Against it?

I'd be astounded to hear
anything said for it.

The whole bloody place
is the most unspeakable matriarchy...

...in the history of civilization.

Look at yourself, the way your wife
and her strumpet of a mother...

...push you through the hoop.

As far as I can see, American men
have been totally emasculated.

They're like slaves.

They die like flies
from coronary thrombosis...

...while their women sit under
hair dryers eating chocolates...

...and arranging for every second
Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.

And this positively infantile
preoccupation with bosoms.

In all my time
in this wretched country...

...the one thing that has appalled me
most is this preoccupation with bosoms.

They've become the dominant theme
in American culture:

In literature, in advertising,
in entertainment, in everything.

I'll wager you anything you like...

...if American women
stopped wearing brassieres...

...your whole national economy
would collapse overnight.

[Man on radio] F-7 to Central.
The Crumps are locked...

...in the hardware store basement.
Shall I let them out? Over.

How could they get locked in a basement?

- We better let them out.
- That ain't fair.

- It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
- They got themselves in there.

They ought to be able
to get themselves out.

Uh, after all, if you help them,
you're not being fair to the others.

But the moment anybody
gets to where they're going...

...we'll pick them up.

What difference does it make
who gets there first?

It's a race, ain't it?

Why do you want to help that dentist?

Me? I've been pulling for that guy Pike
with the furniture van.

The rules should be the same
for everybody.

Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

[Clears throat]

Central to F-7.

No. We'll leave them where they are.
See what happens.

Watch all the exits,
but render no assistance. Over.

Are you happy?

[Grunting]

I need a drink.

There's some ice and stuff back there.
Make us all some Old Fashioneds.

You think you ought to drink
while you're flying?

Stop kidding and make us some drinks.

Just press the button back there
marked "booze."

It's the only way to fly. [chuckles]

[Chuckles nervously]

Estimated speed 175.

We'll never be able to keep up with him.

Better have some of the other units
intercept. Over.

Hello, Ginger?
What's the matter now?

[Ginger] It's Billie Sue.
Her new boyfriend Oscar...

...was supposed to come down
from Pomona just to meet us.

So now she told him
we were going away.

What? What's the matter?

[Ginger] You keep forgetting.
If a girl is 6 feet 5 inches tall...

...she's bound to have special problems.

- But, Ginger...
- [Ginger] They had some argument...

Get out!

[Ginger]... screaming at each other.
Now the whole engagement's off...

...and she says she's leaving.

Leaving what? Leaving home?

Let me talk to her.
Get her to the phone.

[Ginger] I'll try. Just a minute.
Talk to your father.

[Billie Sue] I won't.
I don't want to talk to him ever.

[Ginger] Don't be ridiculous.
Whatever else he is, he is your father.

[Organ music plays]

[Engine revving]

[Crashing]

- [Slow jazz plays]
- Ah!

Ah!

[Phone rings]

[Ringing continues]

Ooh! Yeah! Ah!

[Groans] Oh!

[Exhales]

You hear bells, baby?

[Ringing continues]

Yes?

- [Mrs. Marcus] Who is that?
- Who's that?

I want my son! Hey!

Who is that?
I want to speak to Sylvester Marcus.

- Sylvester?
- Yeah, baby?

- It's your mom.
- [Chuckles]

Ah! [laughs] Good old Mom. Hello!

- Sylvester?
- [Sylvester] Is that you, Mom?

Of course it's me.
I've been trying you all morning.

I've been a little busy.

I've been working
and I didn't hear the phone.

Hold on a minute, will you, Mom?

Baby, how about a beer or something?
Man, I feel like...

Will you listen?
Something's happened.

[Mrs. Marcus] There was an accident this
morning. A man got killed!

Who got killed?

- [Mrs. Marcus] Now, listen!
- You all right?

- [Mrs. Marcus] Pay attention!
- Sis all right?

- [Mrs. Marcus] Will you listen?
- What's wrong?

[Mrs. Marcus] Can you hear me?

There's a whole fortune in cash.

You can get it before anybody else,
but you've got to hurry!

What's the matter? What's going on
there? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. Sylvester!

Are Russell and Emmeline with you?

Forget about Russell.
Will you shut up and let me talk?

What's going on? Where's Russell?

Don't even mention Russell!

- When I tell you what Russell did...
- Just tell him about the dough.

Keep out of this! Shut up!

- [Mrs. Marcus] Don't talk. Just listen.
- What did Russell do?

He assaulted me, if you wanna know!
He grabbed me beside the road.

He and this Englishman
I don't even know!

Who's with you and where are you?

I'm with this truck driver
in Peterson's Garage in Plaster City.

Will you shut up a minute
so I can tell you what happened?

Listen to me close! Stay there,
'cause I'm coming to get you right now.

Shut up and listen!

Everything's going to be all right.
Your baby's coming to get you.

- Sit there. Relax. Take it easy.
- [Mrs. Marcus] Sylvester!

I'm coming.
Everything's going to be all right.

Well?

So he's coming here,
and I'm not to worry about a thing.

Because everything
is going to be all right.

[Shouting] Exactly like your father:
A big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!

The burglar alarm.

We just throw it on, people hear it,
they come, and we're out.

Don't be frightened
if it makes a big bell noise.

Okay? All right? Here we go.

- I don't hear anything.
- Neither do I. There's no bell.

Look at it. It just stands there.

Wait a minute.

Stand back.

[Grunts]

Burglar alarm!

The stupidest burglar in the world
could come in...

...and walk away with everything,
and we can't even get out.

Sheesh! [grunting]

Come here!

[Shouting]

[Monica] Melville? Melville!

Even if you do get the bell to ring
and somebody comes...

...what about the damage?

They're the ones who locked us in!

This thing has got to work.

- [Fizzling]
- [Screaming]

No!

Please, help me! I'm frying!
Ah! Please! Help me!

- [Screaming]
- [Crashing]

[Engine droning]

Uh... Don't make them
so sweet this time.

You've had two already.
Can't you wait till we're on the ground?

What are you talking about?
I'll make the next batch.

You take the controls.

- I don't know how to fly an airplane.
- There's really nothing to it.

- But Benjy can't fly!
- Nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.

I'll check you out.
Put your little hands on the wheel.

That's it. Now you have it.
Now the feet on the rudder.

There you are, feet on the rudder.

Who says this boy can't fly a plane?
There you go.

I'm making an Old Fashioned
the old-fashioned way...

...the way dear old Dad used to.

What if something happens?

What can happen
to an Old Fashioned, all right?

I know you don't know what to do,
so don't do nothing.

- I won't do nothing.
- That boy's a natural-born flyer.

[Engine droning]

Wait a minute. Benjy! Benjy!
Ease back on her!

- I'm easing.
- Ease back a little!

- I'm trying my best.
- All kidding aside...

I'm not kidding any longer.
It's making me...

...nervous!
Hey! We've got an accident back here!

- What happened?
- I don't know!

[Horn honking]

Oh!

It's good that truck pulled over.
I can't stand this anymore.

In the name of reason,
pull yourself together.

You were 10 feet over the line.

[Engine rattling]

[Tires screeching]

[Grunting]

[Coughing]

- Uh!
- [Glass shatters]

Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it?
Right. Stick them up!

- No! No!
- Come here, you coward!

No! Don't hit me!

- Stop, you!
- Don't hit me!

- Blood.
- It certainly is.

[Screams]

Come back here, you blimey...

[grunts]

You want to play dirty, huh? Okay!

[Grunting]

Foul! Foul!

You're not much good...

...without that horrible
mother-in-law of yours, are you?

[Laughing] Ow!

Come on. Fight!

You thought you had me, didn't you?

I'll kill you. I swear!

[Panting]
No, stop, please! No, please.

[Yelling]

[Crashing]

[Engine droning]

- Hello. Hello there.
- Don't shut the motor off!

I'm not shutting anything off!
Hello, anybody! Can anybody hear me?

- I can hear you!
- I don't care if you hear me!

Look, I wanna be...

- I don't know whether we're on the air.
- Mayday. Call mayday!

Mayday! Mayday, we're up here!
Can you hear us? Help!

- Benjy, say something.
- Help! Ah!

Hello? Billie Sue?

- Billie Sue, where are you?
- [Billie Sue] I'm at the bus station.

I only called because
Mommy said I absolutely...

Now, sweetie, what are you doing
in the bus station?

[Billie Sue] I'm waiting for the bus.

- Your wife's on the other phone.
- [Billie Sue sobbing]

Ginger?
I've got Billie Sue on the other line.

Billie Sue, wait one minute, will you?

- Ginger?
- [Ginger] I'm here.

Can you hear Billie Sue?
She's crying.

[Ginger] Billie Sue!

She's in the bus station
and she's crying,

but she's waiting for you to tell her.

- [Ginger] Billie Sue!
- Are you listening?

[Ginger] Billie?

- Are you listening to your mother?
- [Ginger] Your mother is speaking.

- Listen to your mother, sweetie.
- [Ginger] Billie Sue!

Billie Sue! Listen to your mother!

Everything that's happened
to my daughter and me today...

...only happened for one reason:
Because you were too stupid...

...to look where you were going,
and wrecked our car!

- Oh, yeah?
- [Brakes squealing]

You either get out of that truck
or I'm going to throw you out.

Don't get upset.

You're not going to do anything.
Drive on, you big, stupid idiot.

[Sobbing] Mommy, don't worry.
Your baby's coming to save you!

Oh! Mr. Pike! Mr. Pike, please!

- Let me go! Get away from me!
- That isn't nice a bit!

- Mother!
- [All shouting]

[Mrs. Marcus shouting] Help me!

[All shouting]

That's what I'm here for.
That's why you had me, to save you.

[Mrs. Marcus screaming]

Help me! Ah!

Emmeline! Ah!

Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

It's practically burned through.

Just a couple blows
with the sledgehammer and we're out.

Ah!

Eh...

Hey! Wait a minute!

I can't cross here!

You said the main road.
This is Niagara Falls.

All right, look. You're a little boy.

If you want to be a big boy,
which way to the main road?

Don't!

It's no! The answer is no.

He won't back any increase in pensions.
He won't even talk about it.

There won't be any increase in pensions.
Do you know why?

Because they got a solid majority...

...of Republicans and Democrats
who've agreed...

...that if anything
is said about pensions,

they'll actually reduce your pension!

Why? Because they know
that you personally...

...were more responsible than anybody
else for closing down the houses.

Could I do anything?
Would he listen to me?

Ha! All right.
So you're an honest cop...

...and you've spent a lifetime
being an honest cop...

...and you've got that,
and that's all you've got!

It's no good saying I'm sorry.

I'm too angry and sick at my stomach
to be sorry.

[Billie Sue] You're not listening
to what I'm saying.

That's the trouble with this family.

- Melville, I smell something burning.
- Ah...

- Oh!
- Whoa!

We're on fire! Come over here.

Come on. This way.
Go down. Now. Go.

Hurry up!

Put it out!

I don't know how! Get something!

- The extinguishers.
- Get one!

- What'll I do?
- Use it!

Not on me! On the fire!

It's too deep!

This is a car, not a canoe!

Come on! It's easy!

If I don't get out of here...
Why? Why?

All right! Here I come!

It's too deep!

It's too deep, you little rat fink!

Why didn't you tell me it was...
What do I...

Don't stand there!
Get somebody! Don't...

This is no place for a convertible!

[Grunting]

I'll get you.

[Engine droning]

[Screaming]

I'm bleeding, Emmeline!
Look! I'm bleeding!

[Sobbing] Mama!
What did they do to my Mama?

[Panting]

Ow! Ooh!

Benjy!

[Ginger] It's your father's fault.

- The whole thing is your father's fault.
- [Billie Sue] Mommy.

[Ginger] It's your father's fault.

What's the matter, Chief?
Something wrong?

- [Ginger] You know as well as I do...
- [Billie Sue] Listen and stop yelling!

[Ginger] Stop it, Billie.

- Billie, you're not listening.
- [Billie Sue sobbing]

[Overlapping chatter]

♪ Well, step into the lobby

♪ For whatever is your hobby

♪ To drink or smoke or repeat some joke

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world ♪

[Monica whimpering]

Now stop it. Stop it, Monica!

It's only two pieces of small dynamite.

[Stammering] And they're 70 feet away
in the other room.

This is a strong counter.
We can't possibly get hurt from there.

Please, go and stop it.
Stamp on it or something.

- You know I hate explosions.
- It's perfectly all right.

I just want to blow a small hole
in the wall, then we'll be out of here.

Something's happened to the fuse.

- What could possibly...
- Hold it. Sh!

Listen.

The fuse has gone out.
I can't hear it anymore.

- Stay down. Don't get up.
- I just want to take a look, okay?

Huh! Now I see.

It's the fire extinguisher stuff.

The fire extinguisher stuff got
on the fuse and put it out.

Melville, don't go in there.
You'll be killed.

- You'll be blown to bits.
- Monica, for heaven's sake.

I just want to take a look!

Why do you always imagine
I can't do things for myself?

Don't you think I got any sense at all?

Why can't you have
a little confidence in me?

[Screaming]

Sh! Sh! Sh!

[Bullets ricocheting]

[Engine droning]

- I'll never be bad again!
- Whoever said you could fly?

What do ya want from me?
How long I been flying?

- Keep it going!
- Can't you talk to that radio?

Hello, anybody on the ground!
On the ground, anybody!

Can you hear us?

[Sirens wailing]

- Stand back!
- Everybody, stand back.

Stand back, folks. Folks, stand back.

This is Rancho Conejo Tower.
Do you hear me?

- We don't know who they are.
- This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

Aircraft calling Rancho Conejo Tower,
this is Rancho Conejo Tower.

I got 'em!

I got 'em!
Hello, down there on the ground.

This is us in the air. We're in trouble!

An awful jam. Listen. Hello?

I think I lost them.

[Man on radio] Wait a minute.
You're not using the set the right way.

You press your switch in to transmit.
When it's released, you're on receive.

Can you understand me?
This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

- Where are you and who are you? Over.
- I know how to work it, Benjy!

I know how to work it.
Hello, down on the ground.

This is us in the air.

We're in this fella's plane.

He knocked himself out...

...because he drank a whole case
of bourbon and hit his head.

What do we do?

The switch, let go of the switch!

[Man on radio] If you can,
give us your position.

Who's flying the plane? Over.

Whaddya mean, "Who's flying the plane?"

Nobody's flying the plane!

Sir? Tower here. Emergency.

Tell him it's a full emergency.
We'll try and talk 'em down.

Full emergency.
We'll try and talk 'em down.

It's a Twin Beech.
I saw one here this morning.

Who's got a Twin Beech?
It's that Col. Wilberforce.

He was at maintenance.
If he's still there, get him over here.

Now listen. Don't talk, just listen.

We're getting things under control,
so you can take it easy.

We know what kind of a plane you're in.

We're making necessary preparations
to talk you down.

Rancho Conejo over.

[Dingy] Rancho Conejo tower, listen,
we can't land this thing!

We're in real trouble. Over!

You'll be perfectly all right
as long as you follow instructions.

The man at the controls should
also be the man on the radio.

- Here. Put 'em on.
- No. I don't want to!

Put 'em on!

He said the fella flying
should be on this thing.

Am I supposed to do everything?
You want me to fly, work the radio?

What are you? The hostess?

No, he's got to take charge.
What's the matter with him?

He's just sitting there, rigid-like.

If he catches you at that keyhole,
you'll be rigid-like.

- He didn't want to be disturbed.
- He keeps looking at the wall.

He'll have to be disturbed
if any of this develops further.

I bet you any amount of money that
we could get on the ball and get...

Everything's under control, Chief.

- You okay, Chief?
- Yes. Why?

- How's it going?
- Something's bound to happen soon.

Take a look at this.

Those two in the basement
started a fire...

...then set off fireworks.
They still didn't get out.

Those two guys in the airplane
had an accident...

...knocked the pilot unconscious.

The control tower
is trying to talk them down.

[Both yelling]

[Man] The others...

Aerial report that the man,
Otto Meyer, had an accident.

He tried to cross a river
and he lost his car.

Now he's on foot,
walking back to the main road.

This fella Pike, he's here...

...coming in on 94 with Mrs. Marcus
and her daughter, Mrs. Finch.

Mr. Finch and this Algernon,
whatever his name is. The limey.

They're about five
or six miles behind...

...in an Avis Chevrolet they rented
in Canyon City.

And this Sylvester Marcus,
the one the old lady called...

...he's about here going
in the other direction.

They all ought to be meeting up
in about five minutes.

You know what I believe I'd like?

A chocolate fudge sundae
with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

[Engine droning]

Dingy, don't let this worry you.
We're gonna get killed.

[Man on radio] Men,
this is Col. Wilberforce speaking.

These gentlemen here have asked me
to take charge of this situation...

...so I immediately said
that I'd be glad to take charge of it.

Before I say anything else...

I don't think he's going to
help us, Dingy.

Yes he is, Benjy. He'll help us.

Now, just have confidence in him.
He's a colonel. Listen to him.

Steady, men.

I'm told that neither of you
has had flying experience.

Before I say anything else...

...I want to congratulate you
on having done so well...

...uh, so far.

Now, first of all, men,
I'll explain what we intend to do.

You can't land the airplane
until you've made your approach.

And you can't make your approach until
you've made a long slow turnaround...

...down to the south.

And we've got to be clear
on a few things

before you can start
that long slow turn.

Now, the stick that you're holding,
that is, I assume that...

Men, are you holding that stick?

Is somebody holding that stick? Over!

[Benjy] What stick? The wheel.
I'm holding it.

- [Dingy] We're both holding it.
- Good.

For a second there, I was afraid...
Never mind that.

Now I'll explain the controls.
It's important that you understand that.

Because if you don't,
I'm afraid what might...

[engine droning]

- You want a lift?
- Yes, thank you very much.

It's nice of you to stop.

- I'm going as far as Santa Rosita Park.
- That's out of my way.

- We're blocking traffic.
- We are?

Let's move it. Move it.

There we go. All right.

You hide behind the counter.
I'll light up a fuse.

Melville, will you just do one thing
for me before you use the dynamite?

Try hitting the door just once more.

Honey, I broke my back on that door.
That's a hard door. I mean...

Okay.

Where's the sledgehammer?

This staircase isn't safe anymore.
The fire burned it all out.

Please?

All right.

You're going to...

[Monica screaming]

Melville, for God...

Melville!

Monica...

...now let's forget about the door, huh?

Look out!

- What?
- They've spotted us.

- Who have?
- Don't stop. Keep going.

- What is this?
- Helicopter. They've seen us.

What helicopter?

- That's a police helicopter.
- They always use them.

- Who?
- Who do you think? Look...

I don't want to talk about this,
but they got me hemmed in.

- Who?
- Will you shut up and listen?

I'm going to break a rule that says
we must never reveal our true identity.

This is a matter of life or death,
a desperate situation.

- What is?
- Will you shut up and listen?

Look, I haven't got much time,
so if you love your country...

...if you're a patriot, you'll listen,
and listen hard.

You gotta get to a phone
and make a call.

- I don't got...
- You got to call Intelligence.

Central Intelligence Agency
in Washington, D.C.

- What on earth...
- Now, listen!

You tell 'em you heard from X-27.
You got it? X-27.

X-27 told you to tell them they've made
three attempts on my life today.

They tried to drown me.

Can you handle a gun? Now, look... Oh!

There's a cafe. Pull right in there.
You'll use that phone.

- I don't think I...
- Shut up! You're in no danger.

They've never seen ya. Now, pull in.

All right, good. Get to a phone.

Tell the operator "emergency priority,"
then ask for the CIA.

Jump out. Come on, come on.

You're in no danger.
They don't know you.

You're all right.
I'll duck the car and come back.

For God's sake,
don't stand in the street.

They'll see you. They'll spot you!

Move it. Yah! Go!

And... Sylvester! It's Sylvester!
Turn around, you idiot!

What do you want to stop him for?
He's going the wrong way.

It's my son. Do as you're told, stupid.

[Tires screeching]

They're nuts.

Tell them the tow truck turned around
and is following the Dodge.

2-1-7-1, 2-1-5-9.

This is stupid.

You call me a stupid idiot.

Let me tell you something.
You're a stupid idiot.

- He'll go all the way to Plaster City.
- So he goes to Plaster City.

I don't know about you,
but I'm turning this thing around.

Now, you want to catch him,
you get out and run.

Let's stop arguing. Please.

The reason we're together
is because they only had one car.

Let's get there, even if we are last.

Whatever the outcome of the day,
I shall never forget that you hit me...

...when I wasn't even looking.

Yeah.

- [Horn honking]
- [Tires screeching]

[Man] Russell!

- How can you be so slow?
- I've had just about enough out of you.

If ya turned quicker
we coulda caught him!

- Why don't you shut up?
- Russell! There!

It's Russell and Mr. Hawthorne!

Stop them! Catch them!

We gonna start that again?

Faster! Step on it!
Blow the horn, you big dope!

What do you want them for anyway?

Keep up with them.
You're falling behind.

Sylvester! Mother! Sylvester!

Stop him! Don't let him get away!

[Horn honking]

I say, what's that chap
honking his hooter for?

It's probably some road hog
who thinks he owns...

- What?
- What?

I got to ask you something about Mama!
Russell, wait a minute!

- It's my brother-in-law.
- What's he doing?

Be careful of him. He's not normal.

You're getting me...
Boy, are you bugging me, man!

I'm going to nail...
I'm getting bugged now!

Whoa, man.

[Horn honking]

Russell, if you don't pull over,
I'll kill you!

I'm warning you,
pull over and stop.

I said stop!

You asked for it.

[All shouting]

[Sylvester] Russell,
when I get my hands on you...

What are you doing?

- I said stop!
- Are you crazy?

- We'll get killed!
- Pull over!

Don't you know what I mean?
I said stop that car!

- [All shouting]
- [Horn honking]

When I get my hands on you, Russell,
I will kill you!

[Sylvester screams]

Are you crazy?

Ah!

I've never seen anything
like this bunch.

He ran right into them,
ran them right off the road.

- You guys, come on out of there!
- Fellow's absolutely beside himself.

- What are you trying to do?
- Let's go!

- What did you do to my mother?
- We wouldn't do any...

Move! Move!

- What did you do to my mother?
- I didn't do anything! Let me explain.

Look here.

She called me. She phoned me.

What she told me was so horrible,
I thought she'd gone nuts!

- It was true, wasn't it?
- It's not true.

Whoever told you was a liar.
It's not true.

- It is true!
- Now, look here!

Are you English? Just answer me!

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.
Don't you like the English?

[Screaming]

There was an Englishman.

She said that you and this Englishman...
I'll kill you!

What did you do to my Mama?

- Emmeline!
- Mama!

Why couldn't you listen?
Why couldn't you shut up...

...when I was trying
to tell you to listen?

That chap's run absolutely amok!

Few minutes, we'll have 'em in position.

In a couple of minutes,
we'll have you in position.

- You're doing a great job, Colonel.
- Thank you.

Why not just shoot 'em down?

None of these people must suspect...

...that they have ever been
under observation.

Now, none of them have ever seen me.

None of them know me...

...so I'll be moving in alone.

The minute I move in,
I'll give you the word.

And when you pass the word...

...I don't want to have another
policeman within miles of me.

- Right?
- Right.

I, uh...

I won't like it
if I see another policeman.

I give you my word.

I wanted to stop for you.
My wife and he wanted to stop for you.

Tell him how my mother-in-law
made us drive by him.

Anything you have to say
about your mother-in-law...

...you don't have to explain to me.

You know what I mean?

If she were a star
of a real crummy horror movie...

...I'd believe it.
- [Horn honking]

Yeah!

That's him!

If I catch you, I'll kill you!
I tell you, I'll kill you!

You dirty robber!

Someone you know?

I'll drive. All set?

All set, Chief.

Culpeper, all set?

[Man on radio] Yes, sir.

Airport just reported
and they're starting an approach now.

Right.

What's the matter, Chief?
You forgotten something?

No. I don't think
I've forgotten a thing.

Now, men, about the brakes...
You've got to know about the brakes.

[Stammering] I'll tell you
in just a minute. Just hold it a second.

What the hell is with this wire?

Just hold it a second.

- [Engine droning]
- What was that?

Men, look.

Be calm. This is it.
Just one minute more, it'll be all over.

I mean, it'll all be over.
I mean, courage, men.

We're all with you every second.

We're pulling for you
as hard as we can.

Now it's just hold onto
your nerves, men,

and not get excited
or do anything foolish.

But just keep calm.
That's all we'll do.

Keep calm. Calm, men!

Not that calm, you idiot!

[Both screaming]

Pull up!

Now, don't worry. Just keep calm.

[Whistling]

What's this?
What's this that's coming?

- That's good. That's cement.
- What? Wait a minute! Hold it!

What are you doing, Benjy?

[Screaming]

- What, are you trying to scare me?
- No!

Well, you did.

It's just a couple of sticks
of dynamite, that's all.

How much noise could it make?
Boom. It's all over.

Get it over right! Get it over!

Left rudder!

Too low! Pull up.

No! Left rudder!

No! Pull it up!

Help!

[Screaming] Help!
I'm the Colonel, you know!

Help!

Help! Get me down!

We're not going to land
and we'll never make it.

What do you mean, we'll never make it?
Don't freeze.

Benjy, don't freeze.

This one's going to work.

- Damn it, come to!
- You hit me.

Listen, wait a minute.

We're down!

- We're on the ground.
- Hooray!

It's just a noise, that's all.
It's way over there.

Put on the brakes.

Okay. Where are they?

Benjy! Here comes a restaurant!

[All screaming]

We've landed! Come on.

Come on. Hurry. Now, hurry up.

- Come on, let's go.
- What about him?

Never mind him.
An ambulance will come.

- [Siren wailing]
- Let's get out of here.

Cab!

Cab! [shouting]

We're in an awful hurry.
Do you know where the State Park is?

Sure. What happened?

Emergency landing. Come on, hurry.

Quick, let's go. Come on.

Come on, Benjy.

[All chattering in foreign language]

[Screams]

Oh! Excuse me.

[Chuckles]

Excuse us. Here's your bag.

You see, the lock didn't work.

Go.

That's all.
The owners will pay for everything.

Next door, he'll pay for everything.
It's okay.

You people. You!

Come back here. Come back!

You vandals!

The cops in this town
are morons, retarded.

I'm dealing with moronic people.

'Cause he's in a bad humor,
that fat Nazi.

What, I gotta suffer 'cause of him?

Get away from me.
What's the matter?

Can't you see I'm on the phone?
Gimme two minutes!

Now, listen, Sy...

Will you take us
to Santa Rosita State Park?

What's the matter?
What happened to you? Initiation?

We had an accident. Hurry up!

[Man on radio] Benjamin and Bell stopped
at a gardener supply place

and bought picks and shovels.

Hold it, Chief.
Here's a report on the Crumps.

Their cab turned onto 101 moving south
toward your present position.

Wait. The other taxi's
also turning onto 101...

...and they're moving north.
They're both coming your way.

Understood.

Stand by.

- They ought to be here any minute.
- Uh-huh.

Look.

It's the two idiots, the little one and
the one with the marbles in his mouth.

- It's that hokey dentist.
- Yeah.

Pass that cab.

- What's the rush?
- Whaddaya mean "rush"?

No rush. We're just in a hurry.

Culpeper.

Now.

Give the order to pull away.

- Come on. Hurry up.
- Shouldn't I wait around?

No. Here's $5.

- What's with the pick and shovel?
- Mind your own business. Come on.

Hey! Hey!

- Think anybody is here?
- Didn't see any cars.

Wait a minute!

- Let's talk this over.
- I got nothing to talk about.

Wait a minute.

Think anybody else has been here?

- How should I know?
- Wait!

If you think we're the first ones here,
why not make a deal?

The four of us?

Nobody knows where to look,
so we'll look together.

We'll find it before the others.
Incidentally, where are all the others?

How come you two just got here?
You had the plane.

Yeah... What happened to you?

They're up to something funny,
you hear?

Did you see the blonde I brought,
covered in paint with her dress ripped?

What's that all about?

Yeah. And what about
the picks and shovels?

You run back to headquarters.
Wait till you hear from me.

Let me come, Chief.

I'd like to,
but it might snarl things up.

Thanks for everything.

Lots of luck, Chief.

[Tires screeching]

Benjy! Did you see anything, pal?

No, but there must be
something somewhere.

Yeah... Hey! Hey!

- See anything?
- Not a thing.

Are you sure he didn't say
something you've forgotten?

He said it's buried under a big W
and that we'd see it.

- It's gotta be here.
- I tell you what we do.

You go how we came.
We'll go how you came.

We might have missed something.
Hold it.

You go the way we came...

That's right. Okay, let's go.

They're looking for something
buried under a big W.

I heard one of them,
the stutterer, say it.

Yeah, I heard. But what?

Hey!

Did you see anything?

- No. Did you?
- Nothing.

That guy hid it so good,
he couldn't find it himself.

I think...

Who's he?

- I don't know.
- But he had a shovel.

Maybe he's a prospector.

- What are you talking...
- We're wasting time.

Harder. We gotta look harder!

Let's look harder. Come on, let's go.

Who's he?

I don't know,
but he hasn't got a shovel.

[Engine pops]

- He's here, I tell ya.
- Yes, sir. That's his car.

- I'll get that phony.
- Somebody must've come in those cabs.

- Come on, let's get moving!
- Come on, let's get moving!

- They must be here.
- They'd better be. Come on, Emmeline.

- Don't just sit there!
- Don't just sit there!

Yes, I am.

Then sit!

Mrs. Finch,
aren't you the teeniest bit curious?

No. I'm not even curious,
just disgusted.

I say, that really is a pity.
Do forgive me, I must go.

Psst!

[Mrs. Marcus] You wouldn't know a big W
if you saw one!

- [Russell] I know a...
- [Mrs. Marcus] Shut up!

I don't care what you say,
I don't think they're here yet.

They're here somewhere.
That means they haven't found it.

That's all he said? "Under a big W"?

Actually, I joined the party after that.

Yes, sir, that's what he said.
It's under a big W.

- Let's look...
- Will you shut up and follow me?

[Continue arguing]

[Arguing continues]

- Who's that?
- I don't know!

- From this morning?
- Yes.

- Who's he?
- I don't know.

- Who's he?
- I don't know!

Mama, how many people
are mixed up in this?

Mama, who are they? Cabbies?

Mama, this thing's like a convention.

Is anything wrong, ma'am?
I didn't mean to startle you.

Who are you? Are you with the others,
the ones that are looking?

- I am, in a way. Aren't you?
- No.

I mean, I didn't want anything
to do with it right from the start.

And you know what?

I know where it is. I'm the only one,
and I wasn't even looking.

You know where it is?

Yes! What should I do?

Ugh!

Come on out, everyone!
This is ridiculous.

- I absolutely agree.
- Come on out.

We all know we're all here.
Nobody's fooling anyone.

So we all know. So what?

Don't talk to my mama
in that tone of voice!

- You hear?
- Shut up!

Listen, we ain't the only ones here.
I seen four or five others.

Those two cab drivers.

- They came with us and that dentist.
- You want to start?

- Yes, I want to...
- Why are we wasting time?

We're all here.

Even if somebody finds the money,
nobody gets away with it...

...unless everybody gets a share.

Let's all get sensible
and get this organized.

Did you all hear what Mama said?

- Come on, Mama.
- Now, wait a minute.

Did any of you see a guy with glasses...

...with a sneery expression on his face?

This guy was ugly.
I mean, like, real ugly.

If you help dig it up,
you can have half and I'll have half.

Is that okay? I mean, is that fair?

If I have half of the money...

...I can go away somewhere
where nobody can find me.

Not Russell or my mother
or Sylvester, anybody.

You don't know what that'd mean.

If I had enough money...

...I might be able to live
in a convent or something.

- In a convent?
- Uh-huh.

We all know we're all here.

It seems intelligent to me
that we should all share...

...in one equal share apiece, right?

Right. Mel was right.

- We all know that. Lookit...
- [clanging]

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.

It's him, all right. Yeah!

You got this wrong.
I came to apologize.

Forgive and forget! I'm your friend.

He's so neurotic.
Can't you do something?

I'll get you.

- He's very neurotic. I'm your friend!
- When I get my hands on you...

[choral singing]

Why, that's it.

Sure. Look!

It's the big W, I tell you!

It's the big W!

Look at this.

- Look at it!
- [All chattering]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Finch.

I'm afraid it's too late.

I think they've found it.

Right here all the time!
He wasn't kidding!

- He was telling the truth!
- Folks, isn't this great?

Congratulations. Well done.

Listen, I think the big boy
should get an extra share.

After all, it was he who found it.

Yes! I insist he gets an extra share.

That's right.
He deserves an extra share.

- Well, I...
- Let's start digging.

Suppose somebody comes along.
What do we tell him?

We're here with
an anthropological expedition.

- Nah.
- We don't tell them anything!

We tell them to scram
or we beat their brains in.

It was a nice dream.

Lasted almost five minutes.

[All shouting]

Now, don't bug me, I said.

Faster.

Come on, dig, dig.

Faster, faster.

Faster. Dig. That's it, dig.

[All chattering]

[Chattering continues]

Faster.

There's not enough room.
You two, out.

Let us do it.

Wait. There's not enough room.
You're bugging me.

- "Bugging"?
- Cut out, cut out.

What's this "cut out" talk?

- Out, baby. Out!
- Don't call me baby.

- Quit arguing!
- Will ya come on?

[All arguing]

[Clanging]

- What's that?
- What was that?

- That's it.
- Sounded like a chest.

I wonder what's in it.

Bring it up here!

[All chattering]

There it is!

- It's a satchel.
- Hold it up!

- It's a satchel!
- I got it.

Open it up.

Come on!

[Man] Bingo!

I say, chaps,
shouldn't we find a spot of cover?

There's nobody around.

Come on. Count it out.

- What are we waiting for?
- Now wait a second!

Everybody's going to get something, so
no arguments. We all get equal shares!

He's right.

That's the only way to do it.
Shares for everybody.

Now, how many are we?

One, two...

...three, four, five,
six, seven, eight...

...9, 10, 11, 12, 13...

...14, 15.

15 of us. That means 15 equal shares.

You dirty double-crosser.
You cut yourself in for twice!

You can't get away with that!

Get him!

Grab him!

Get him!

You only cheated yourself
because now you're out.

Listen!
You can't cut me out now, you hear?

Not after what I've been through!

All right. Okay.

I'm warning you, if I don't get a share,
I'm going straight to the police.

- The police?
- What makes you think the police...

That money had to come from somewhere.

We know where it's from,
that poor man that died on the mountain.

You wasn't even there, so shut up.

Okay, you asked for it.
I'm going straight to the police.

You think they'd be interested,
Mr. Meyer?

Are you kidding? Isn't it obvious?

How do you think money gets...

How did you know my name?

You know this crook?

I've never met him, Mr. Pike,
but I've come to feel that I know him.

How did you know my name?
I've never met you.

Yeah, who are you?

Didn't he come with you?

He didn't come with us.
We thought he came with you.

[Dingy] No.

If he didn't come with us,
then who are you?

I'm Capt. Culpeper...

...of the Santa Rosita
Police Department.

- [Man] Will you come to the point?
- Yeah, I'm coming to it.

Point is, I have enough stuff
in my private files...

...stuff relating to civic building...

...road contracts,
harbor and cannery projects...

...enough stuff to put you,
the D.A., myself...

...and a two-thirds majority behind bars
for the next 20 years.

And I give you my word, that's
exactly where everybody's going...

...unless things start happening now.
- [Man] Like what, for instance?

I want the pension
for Culpeper's grade trebled.

Not doubled, trebled.
I want Culpeper to retire with honor.

I want it on paper that
that's exactly what's going to happen.

And I want it in my hands
in 15 minutes...

...or I'll have all the reporters
in town in here in 20.

You know the word for this, Your Honor.
It's called blackmail.

Sir, could you possibly see
your way clear to give us a break?

You kidding? Him give you a break?

We had a pretty rough day already.

We was all covered with dirt,
and we fell down in an airplane...

...and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.

I know we don't deserve
any kindness, Captain.

But if you could help us,
I'm sure we'd all be inspired...

...to live better lives.

Well, there is one thing.

I don't know
whether it would help or not.

But if, instead of my turning you in...

...you went and turned yourselves in...

...juries sometimes look very favorably
on things like that.

[Stammers] You'd let us do that?

What are we waiting for?
Let's turn ourselves in.

You must be a fine human being.

After all, why should you worry
whether we get a break?

Well, Mr. Meyer,
no matter what you've all done today...

...you're not really criminals.
- [Chuckles]

So if you like,
you can all hop into those two cabs...

...and drive over to Santa Rosita...

...and, uh, just walk in.

- [Stammers] Then let's do that.
- But, sir, we can't all fit.

You can't take the stolen vehicles.
Those have to stay to be picked up.

- What are we waiting for?
- Let's go.

[All chattering]

Back in the back.

Drive carefully.

They may be the last passengers
you'll ever carry.

Funny. That's funny.

Funny, right? Funny?

You could be the most
comical cop I ever met.

Yeah.

- Culpeper.
- [Man] Yes, sir.

Everything is under control here.

It'll take a little longer
because there was a joker in the deck...

...that nobody knew about. All right?

[Man] Yes, sir.

So don't make a move of any kind
until you hear from me.

[Man] Yes, sir.

Listen, why does the man
want to give everybody a break?

- What's his angle there?
- I was wondering about that, too.

Something funny's going on.
How's he know what we're going to do?

We're in enough of a mess.
We better do what he said.

I'm tellin' you,
the man has got some angle.

Wait, wait. Hold it!

Can you see him?

- Just what does he think he's doing?
- That certainly is strange.

- Sure is.
- What is he doing?

- He's going the other way.
- Why are we standing here?

- That's it!
- [All yelling]

We're off the hook!

Get out of here! Come on, we're off!

Come on, get going.

[Screaming]

- Ah!
- Holy mackerel. Almost didn't make it.

No other cops around. He planned it.

We found the money and he was waiting
to take it away from us.

But if we all find the money first
and turn it in, we're all in the clear.

Let's just get the dough
and worry about the rest later.

- Look. He's slowing down.
- No, he's turning to the left.

[Horn honking]

- What's going on?
- [Yelling outside]

Sorry, Jimmy.

[All yelling]

[Tires screeching]

He's heading for the border!

We should stop
and call the police station!

You shut up!

We're going to get that money.
Keep driving!

That woman is something else.

Take your foot off the brake!

Stop hitting me. I'm driving.

- When you want a cab, you can't get one.
- Yeah, come on, let's go!

[Man on radio] F-14 to Central.

Come in. What is it?

[Man on radio]
There's something phony here.

We're on 101 by Cortez
checking a mad-dog report.

Orders were to maintain silence.

Capt. Culpeper wants
this channel kept clear.

[Man on radio] We know it,
but we saw Capt. Culpeper.

He just went by doing 90 miles an hour.

I don't think I understand that.

Are you sure it was Capt. Culpeper?

- [Man on radio] Yep.
- Was he chasing anybody?

- [Man on radio] Nope.
- Could he have been chasing anybody?

[Man on radio] Not a chance.
That's what struck us so funny.

There were about 15 people
in two cabs behind him.

It looked like they were chasing him.

They were chasing him?
What's going on here?

I brought it myself.
Everything you asked for.

- The pension?
- Yeah.

Call Capt. Culpeper.

Calling Capt. Culpeper.
Central Division. Urgent.

Calling Capt. Culpeper.

- This can only happen in America.
- You going to start that again?

[Tires screeching]

You've got to believe me.
I'm going to be sick.

[Tires screeching]

[Blows whistle]

[Tires screeching]

What's the matter?
You trying to kill us?

Just don't make me nervous!

- Don't let him get away!
- Cut him off!

[All shouting]

[On radio] Calling Capt. Culpeper.
Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.

Now, listen to me, Culp.
Everything has been fixed.

There's been negotiations
and everything is all right.

Cut out this nonsense and answer me.

This is Aloysius speaking.

I still don't understand this.
What's it all about?

Um... That's it.

All units...

...arrest Capt. Culpeper.

There he is!

[All shouting]

- Come back!
- Get me out of here!

Just don't sit there. Come on.

Come on!

[All shouting]

Stop pushing, will ya?

Wait. We got him.
Now, you women stay here.

What do you mean,
"You women stay here"?

You heard him, mother. Stay here!

Come on! Let's go!

[Men shouting]

- Is he there?
- Where'd he go?

Halt! Halt!

Now, wait a minute. Listen.

- Yeah!
- [All shouting]

[Shouting]

Stop pushing! Get the suitcase.

[Woman] Look! Look up there!

...in this regard,
and there is no doubt...

Hey! Hey!

[Man shouting]

Those ladders are not safe!

- Ladders are not safe!
- [Crowd yelling]

[Culpeper] Get off!

- You got it?
- Get it away.

[All shouting, arguing]

[Man] Get moving!

Don't push. You got it? That's it.

[Screaming]

Sylvester, what are you doing up there?
You must be out of your mind!

[All shouting]

- Wait a minute!
- Get the suitcase!

[Police whistles blowing]

Get that money!

[Crowd roaring]

[All yelling]

Don't you dare touch any of that money.

- [Siren wailing]
- [Police whistle blowing]

- You! Don't stand there!
- To your right!

[All yelling]

Russell, hang on!

[Benjy] Dingy, I can't hold on!

Help us!

Get off my hand!

[Crowd cheering]

Move onto the ladder!

Hold on! Wait a minute!
One at a time! Did you hear me?

One at a time!

- [Metal creaking]
- [All yelling]

All right!

All right, you'll see. You'll see.

Get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy.

Quit stepping on my head!

Get on the ladder.

Don't leave me! Come back here!

You can't leave me!

There's too many men
on it to control it.

[All yelling]

[Crowd yelling]

[Screaming]

Hold it steady. Watch it.
She's whipping loose.

[Moaning]

[All yelling]

[Screaming]

[Crowd screaming]

Ah!

Whoo!

Wind us down! Wind us down!

[Shouting]

I don't want the money!

Look out!

[Crowd roaring]

Get off!

She's going! Get out of there!

- [Screaming]
- [Fizzling]

[Screaming]

- [Crowd screaming]
- [Fizzling]

[Crowd yells]

[Yelling]

[Crowd screams]

[Yelling] Emmeline!

[Yelling] Mama!

[Screaming]

[Dogs barking]

[All moaning]

It's all your fault.

It's your fault from beginning to end.

You know, even for a policeman...

...your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

You could've taken a fair share
like the rest of us...

...but no, you had to grab up
the whole scene, baby.

We had $350,000 right in our hands.

Fourteen into $350,000...

- [all groaning]
- Shut up.

I wish I knew what
they were gonna do to us.

But no matter what happens to us, I hope
what happens to you will be worse.

I don't think you have to worry
too much about that.

My wife is divorcing me.

My mother-in-law
is suing me for damages.

My daughter is applying to the courts
to have her name changed.

My pension has been revoked.

And the only reason
that you 10 idiots...

...will very likely get off lightly...

...is because the judge will have
me up there to throw the book at.

Aw, that's tough. Oh!

[Chuckles]

I'd like to think that sometime,
maybe 10 or 20 years from now...

...there'd be something
I could laugh at, anything.

Now, see here, you idiots,
it's all your fault because...

Oh!

- Mama!
- [All laughing]

Get away from me!

Let me go!

[All continue laughing]

[Chorus vocalizing] ♪ Mad

♪ World ♪

[instrumental theme song plays]