Original subtitles

Stan, what are you...

It's Saturday.

I thought your spin class was canceled.

I don't know. The alarm's got a mind of its own.

Wait a second.

My God, it's my Peak Day alarm.

I set this years ago.

Why, you ask?

It's all here in my vintage issue of Men's Health.

Aside from correctly predicting Zachery Ty Brian's A-lister career,

it has an article about when a man hits the scientific prime of his life,

his peak, at the third month of his 42nd year. That's today.

What's it say about women? When's my peak?

Good Lord. That would've been ages ago.

And... And stretching far into the future.

Yes, even my obvious lies are at peak performance.

Good morning, USA

I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face

And he's shining a salute To the American race

Boy, it's swell to say

Good morning, USA

Good morning, USA

Welcome back to Morning Mimosa with Trish and Suze.

It's time to call some of the men who ghosted Trish after one date.

First up on the list is a humorless little schmuck named Suckboi Tony.

- Hey! - Come on.

What the?

It's time for a thrilling Stannouncement.

Today I have officially hit Peak Stan.

Everything at this moment in my life is hitting its stride.

I've got it all.

Wonderful wife, great kids. Fridge in the garage.

A blend of faculties and experience that are in total sync.

Cool, Dad. Great.

Speak up, my boy! Can't hear you up at the peak.

Can we put the TV back on?

Hayley, is that you? Winds whipping like a mother up here.

Be careful, Stan.

As they are constantly saying on the series The Crown,

"Heavy is the head that wears the crown."

What are you talking about?

I think he's saying that when you're on top of the mountain,

people are going to try to knock you off.

- Right, Klaus? - Right.

Man, you always get me, Francine.

Meet me in the kitchen.

You may be right.

At the peak, I'm most exposed,

but also at the peak,

I can see my enemies coming in every direction.

I can also see them not able to handle the altitude.

Should have hired a Sherpa, haters.

Come on, honey, let's go to the grocery store.

I want you to see what it's like when a man at his peak buys baked beans.

So, Roger, if you need pointers on how to maximize free samples

without these crummy farmers giving you crap, just ask.

We do this a lot.

I like to grab a sample, take a little lap,

come back and pretend I'm a different talking fish.

- That was my tip. I told you that. - No, you didn't.

My oma taught me that when I was a young ski jumper in Düsseldorf.

Are you with me right now?

How did I end up in this grouping?

I feel like I got put on the practice squad.

Whoa.

Four bucks for one apple?

That's robbery. I'll give $2.

They're $4. We have samples if you...

No, I'm not trying anything.

I am in control of this negotiation.

- Take the sample. - What is he doing?

Is it even good?

The best you'll ever have.

See? Now you've overplayed your hand and just lost a customer.

I'm walking away.

Adiós, señor.

Still got any of those apples?

Sucker. That's a fiver.

This is gonna be amazing.

People forget,

but apples can go toe-to-toe with any fruit out there.

Well, not peaches, plums, pears, pomegranates, pineapples...

and those are just the Ps.

But a good apple is good.

What are you waiting for?

Get to munching, bro.

No, I paid out the ass for this thing.

The setting must be perfect. Every single bite has to be savored.

My hands are empty. Why are they empty?

I dropped the apple. When did I drop the apple?

There it goes!

It went into that tiny sinkhole.

I know. I thought for sure it would go into that one.

Say "peak."

I'm ready now. I'm thinking about a prime fillet.

You offering any discounts?

I've hit my peak, see.

Congrats there, friend, 'cause it's all downhill from here.

Wait.

Wait, what do you mean? Don't you get it? I'm at my peak.

Sure, but once you've gone all the way up,

- there's nowhere to go but... - Farther up?

How about a dry-aged steak?

Dry? Aged? Is that what I look like to you?

Hey, I couldn't help but notice you,

and I had to ask, what's your number?

- Tom. - Hey, are you hitting on my wife?

I was just joking about what number she was in line.

Tom, your horniness is a problem for our business.

Everybody's coming for me. They smell blood in the water.

You're reading way too much into this.

This is rich. Even the flyer guy thinks I'm weak.

Stan, they're on every car.

I'm not weak!

All right. Update on the peak.

My enemies think I'm on the down slope.

And thank you for warning me. Your loyalty will be rewarded.

We were just teasing, Stan.

- I wasn't even listening. - Don't take this the wrong way, Dad,

but other people don't spend a lot of time thinking about your life.

Maybe, but let me bounce an idea back at you.

I am Tom Brady.

People are jealous and dying to see me lose.

But like Tom, I'm starting an anti-aging regimen.

Goop lotions and serums, removing nightshades from my diet,

and daily brain training, like the crossword.

I don't know any of these. Point is, with this regimen,

I can take my peak and turn it into a mesa.

Flat greatness forever.

Stan, I think you're going about this all wrong.

And honestly, being pretty narcissistic.

Narcissistic?

I'm thinking about other people and how they think of me.

Him again.

My curiosity is piqued.

Hi there, Stan. I'm Dr. Revànche.

Like I said to the tech, I don't wanna do anything crazy.

- Just... - Freeze the peak?

You came to the right place. Look what I can do.

Damn, son.

Bring a bucket and mop. Am I right?

But if I can be serious, this is moving fast.

Maybe a tiny bit of Botox to freshen up instead?

Of course. Let's start small.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's the needle you use for Botox?

This is the needle I use for heart paralysis.

- Aah! - I'm a bad guy.

That's honest, at least.

Hello, Stan.

What did you do to me?

Stan, don't worry. You're gonna love your new face.

Although your old one is pretty nice, too.

You were right.

Someone was coming for you.

It was me.

I started with your face. But trust me, it doesn't end there.

I'm gonna take your whole life.

Aah! My God, this is crazy!

And what is going on with my voice?

I also switched out your larynx with that guy's.

And I love it.

Good morning, alleyway

My beautiful face, my beautiful voice.

That doctor changed everything.

My God!

Right. I guess it's the same.

My God, what are you even going on about?

- Sorry. I was talking to myself. - So was I.

Not everything revolves around you.

No.

No. Lose the hat.

You're right. It's too much.

Okay. We are a family at the table.

It is time for a meal.

- Yeah. - Good summary, Dad.

What's going on with your voice?

It's peaking along with the rest of me. It's like a second puberty.

There's a second puberty?

No.

Got you!

I said that way too soon.

Stay where you are! I said "got you"!

- Cop tackle! - Let me go!

Who is that? And why are they here?

I asked them to stake out the house.

I noticed this man following me and was afraid he might...

come for my home and family.

Lies! He's not who you think he is. He stole my face and my voice.

I'm Stan, not him.

How do you explain this, then?

Can't fake that.

You've got to believe me.

I just went to the doctor to get Botox.

You know, to preserve my peak. And maybe some lip filler.

I'll give you some lip filler.

He said "lip." Why didn't you punch him in the mouth?

Duh. Of course.

Hey, buddy, say that sweet, sweet setup line again.

Come on. If we retrace my steps, I can show you how he did it all.

Blammo!

Okay, let's go.

I don't think it's coming back.

- Let's just get another apple. - No.

That was a once-in-a-lifetime deal. I'm eating that apple.

- You can't fit in there. - Sure I can.

Been in a weight-loss contest with college friends,

so I'm slim right now.

Slacked off bad the first week,

got chicken carbonara from Domino's, like, 11 times.

But this week I've only had coffee.

Okay. It's tight, but not so bad.

No, I'm stuck. Pull me out!

Pull me out! I don't want to do this anymore.

Dude!

I lied. I had four Clif bars and a tub of strawberry frosting this morning.

He did it!

Hey. Okay, it's way down there. I'll be back.

If you don't hear from me in a week, um...

Just give up. Move on with your lives.

We'll all be fine.

Just ahead is Dr. Revànche's office.

You'll see where that monster duped me and drugged me

and set his twisted plan in motion.

Buddy, it's empty.

I don't get it.

Just yesterday, this was a fully-functioning doctor's office.

I mean, his receptionist, Susan, sat right there.

She had a gruff exterior,

but she went to bat for me with my insurance company.

Real Stan, why are we indulging this guy?

We're trying to appease a crazy person because he knows where we live.

Plus, it's funny, right?

I know! He put his ads everywhere on my drive to work. I'll show you!

I swear, he had five ads in a row. He couldn't have gotten rid of them all.

Sir?

You've peeled these ads all the way back to old Hollywood.

Wait. The flyer on my windshield.

Follow me!

I tossed it down here. Is this it?

No, just a lotto ticket.

Ooh, someone left a box unscratched.

Nope, that was just bird shit.

Can we just arrest this clown?

Say, this guy is clearly going through something.

You know, maybe I can just talk some sense into him.

I speak clown.

Why are you doing this?

You don't remember me, do you?

Let me freshen your memory.

Many years ago, I placed a bid on my dream home.

But I had competition.

You.

So the sellers asked each of us to write a letter to help them decide.

I put my heart and soul into that letter.

But you must have put more, because you got the house.

And at the time,

I still believed the world was a fair place.

Later on, I ran into the sellers,

who informed me that they only received one letter.

Look familiar?

"I like house. Want to live there bad. Other guy seems like douche."

This is good. How come you didn't get the house?

That was the letter you wrote!

I don't know how you did it, but I know you made my letter disappear.

Good instincts.

It was definitely me.

I took it and made a clean getaway.

After that, I was enraged.

I became consumed.

My wife couldn't dedicate herself to a life of revenge.

So I ended it, and soon I discovered your weakness.

Vanity.

So I planted the Peak Day idea in your head

and led you into my arms.

After med school,

a plastic surgery residency in North Dakota,

and a couple years keeping my sister's sandwich shop

afloat in Woodstock.

And now, I have what's rightfully mine.

The house and the family I never got the chance to start.

A security camera. That'll prove everything.

I can't get through to this guy. Arrest him!

- We'll never catch him. - He had a crazy head start.

He probably ran track.

And now, I have what's rightfully mine.

The house and the family I never got the chance to start.

See? Told you it was me, old friend.

My God! You are you.

You look good, Stan.

Get a bucket and a mop.

The voice is sexy, too.

Say "banana."

No! Stop making eyes at me and listen.

I've been in hell, but you can save my soul.

You're the linchpin to my whole plan.

I'm a great linchpin.

Reliable, strong, sexy, charming when I need to be.

Ooh! And if your plan involves walking, I got a great new set of sneakers.

Comfortable, good price, brown.

And they got the longest laces, Stan.

Shh. Less, Tuttle.

Got ya.

Got it.

Lost it.

Got it.

Nope. Got it! Got it. Yes.

Can't hardly see a thing in here.

An orange?

I don't want this.

Feel like I should have thrown the orange.

As you can see, I've got some heat on me right now.

So I need you to take this tape

and show my family I am who I say I am.

I think I'm getting a blister.

Maybe I should go home and get a Band-Aid.

Just go.

I'm starting to panic, Stan!

Stop turning around and talking to me!

Did that guy just step out of the bushes?

Yeah, and now he's talking to 'em.

- Yeah. Think we should check it out? - Nah.

Now he's crawling back into the bushes. Just a nature freak.

My God, he's got my family!

Looks like the Smiths are going on vacation.

Let's check the scanner.

Officer Black, Caruso, where have you been?

Officer down at Sixth Street and...

It's always bad news with that guy.

Tell me about it.

Let's go get some ice cream.

They're still gone.

We need to look for clues to where he might be going.

Is this something?

Yes, that's an iPad.

I mean this.

My God.

Why would he do this to her?

He's going to do surgeries on them.

That godless monster.

Actually, Steve might be able to pull this off.

No! Must find them.

Okay, Stan. I'll go get my car.

Quiet! Let me think.

Where?

I remember him testing the tools.

There was a bird... And a bridge.

A rickety wooden bridge.

Tuttle, where's the closest rickety wooden bridge?

There's a pretty solid one over at the library.

Rickety, for Christ's sakes.

There's one at the Japanese Tea Garden.

Yes! You're a genius!

You absolute fool!

This is not it.

I think... It's not a bridge,

but there's a rickety dock at the marina.

The bridge was a dock.

The bird was a seagull.

Yes! I was on a boat!

That explains this barnacle that's been stuck on me for days.

Let's go.

He must have them on one of these boats.

Some kind of, I don't know, surgery boat.

- Do you know which one? - It could literally be any of these.

Surgery boat Surgery boat

Cutting up faces on a surgery boat

It's the eighth row over And the third boat down

We'll never find them

if we stand around listening to this guy sing.

Let's split up and check the boats one by one.

Go!

Okay. Who wants to go first?

- Please, no. - Please, sir, have mercy!

I'll go.

Always get the first appointment of the day, when the doctor's fresh.

Life hack for you kids.

Stop. You guys have to believe me!

That's not the Stan you know.

Yeah. We pretty much figured that out by now.

Will you please just leave me alone?

Listen up, Doc. I'm only gonna say this once.

Fix my son's cheek bones, then get the hell away from my family.

Tell him, Dad. Wait. What?

Looking at you now,

I see that you need a little touch-up.

Nurse, scalpel.

- Still tied up over here. - Right.

I don't care how obsessed you are with me.

You can't have my family!

You don't get it.

I don't want to have your family.

I want to ruin them. Just like you ruined my whole life!

Watch the face.

Obviously. It's mine.

How dare you try to change my family.

Let me tell you,

as a plastic surgeon, your family is far from perfect.

You bitch.

Maybe they're not perfect to you,

but I love them all as they are...

Medium-looking.

Except my wife. She's a fox!

Time to face the music.

I'm so sorry.

When I said "I love and accept you as you are,"

I realized maybe that's what I've been worried about this whole time.

That once I'm past my peak, you might not love and accept me.

Just untie us.

Hold on. I'm not quite done.

I realize now, though, you'll never give up on me.

On good ol' Stan.

- Take it off. - Jesus!

Get a bucket and a mop.

Glad that's over.

Wait, is it over?

Hopefully, Dr. Calgary can squeeze me in today.

Although I do like carrying around this big old flappy face.

- Stan! - Come on.

I'm kissing your ass.

Someone stop that apple!

- Roger? - Whoa. Look at your face, dude.

What happened to you?

Hey, that's a $4 apple.

What am I doing? I'll just go buy another one.

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