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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,070 Daddy's home! 2 00:00:11,110 --> 00:00:13,900 Another mission, survived. 3 00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:15,510 Oh, Stan! 4 00:00:15,550 --> 00:00:18,030 It's always such a relief to have you back... 5 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,950 You're soaked in sweat! 6 00:00:20,990 --> 00:00:24,130 Where was your mission, inside a giant pair of ski boots? 7 00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:27,000 We relocated a family for the witness protection program, 8 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,220 and part of that is actually helping the people move. 9 00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,130 Dick made fun of me for wearing a back brace 10 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,870 then threw his own back out trying to show off. 11 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,490 It was awesome. 12 00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:37,180 I had to move two pool tables by myself, but totally worth it. 13 00:00:37,230 --> 00:00:40,580 Witness protection?! How exciting! 14 00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:43,540 How did the people end up there? Did they see someone get iced? 15 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,020 Sorry. Those are state secrets. 16 00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:46,670 Which is unfortunate for you 17 00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:49,370 'cause this town's crawlin' with fascinating witnesses! 18 00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:52,500 But I'm a vault, baby! These secrets die with me. 19 00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:54,200 Unless I die after 2035. 20 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,030 That's when they become public domain. 21 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:59,290 Attention, please. I have an announcement. 22 00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:02,430 I found my first gray hair. 23 00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:05,340 And I couldn't be happier! 24 00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,520 I'd always hoped to go full gray by the end of high school, 25 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,740 and this is the first step towards that silver-fox dream! 26 00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:14,660 Like Jamie Lee Curtis! 27 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,310 This is great news! 28 00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:19,140 My boy is ready for a man's barber shop. 29 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,450 You can finally come to Bushwhackers! 30 00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:24,060 The haircuts are whatever, but the vibe's incredible. 31 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,450 We sit around for hours just choppin' it up. 32 00:01:26,490 --> 00:01:28,930 - Chopping what up? - You know, "choppin' it up." 33 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:30,150 Gabbin', shootin' the shit, 34 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:31,650 smokin' and jokin' without the smokin'. 35 00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:33,670 Chit-chat on steroids. You're gonna love it. 36 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,550 Let's go! 37 00:01:35,590 --> 00:01:38,240 Also, babe, on my walk this morning, 38 00:01:38,290 --> 00:01:40,680 I made contact with a really big dog 39 00:01:40,730 --> 00:01:43,030 and I finally found my dinosaur book and... 40 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,900 - Jeff! What's up? - Not much. 41 00:01:44,950 --> 00:01:46,430 No. Why are you telling me 42 00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:48,520 about every little thing in your life? 43 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,950 I am trying to read Cinnabon's privacy policy. 44 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,220 Well, my memory's so bad that I know 45 00:01:53,260 --> 00:01:55,650 if I don't tell you everything right away, 46 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:58,350 the important stuff will slip through the cracks. 47 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,480 How about this... Instead of telling me 48 00:02:00,530 --> 00:02:02,400 everything as it happens, 49 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,840 write it all down in this notebook. 50 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,320 Oh, I get it! 51 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,400 And then I can go through it 52 00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:09,280 and share the most important parts with you 53 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,800 No! 54 00:02:15,590 --> 00:02:18,370 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 55 00:02:18,420 --> 00:02:22,200 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 56 00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:25,470 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 57 00:02:25,510 --> 00:02:29,560 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 58 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:35,040 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 59 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,910 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 60 00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:42,920 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 61 00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:47,140 You ever see the show Cheers? 62 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,320 I'm kinda the Sam Malone around here. 63 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,580 You have to be Kirstie Alley. Everyone else is taken. 64 00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,230 Oh! No, I knew you were gonna say that! 65 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,370 - Oh, you... - That's Tony. He's great. 66 00:02:55,410 --> 00:02:57,320 He has a bunch of brothers who refuse to talk to him, 67 00:02:57,370 --> 00:02:58,930 and he won't tell us why. 68 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,410 It was a soul-stirring episode. 69 00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:04,070 No, no, no, no, no! No Masked Singer talk. 70 00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:06,290 I wasn't able to watch last night 'cause I... 71 00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:07,940 was on a date! 72 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,860 So, where'd you take Tuttle's mom? 73 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,300 Yeah! Where'd you take my mom, Tony? 74 00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:18,300 My mom missed my ninth birthday party 75 00:03:18,340 --> 00:03:20,960 'cause of a vicious yeast infection. 76 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,310 I'm, sorry to hear that, Stan. 77 00:03:25,350 --> 00:03:27,050 Tony, this is my son, Steve. 78 00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:29,140 He just got his first gray hair. 79 00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:31,270 I remember my first gray hair... 80 00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,840 but it wasn't on my head. 81 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,840 Hey, Steve, pretty soon 82 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,280 the whole town's gonna know about your gray hair. 83 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,930 Raymont here's a real blabbermouth. 84 00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:43,150 It's true! 85 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,680 That's why I became a news director. 86 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,110 Lewis was talking about his PEEEE-NISSSSS! 87 00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,940 So, my date last night. 88 00:03:52,990 --> 00:03:55,290 You'll never guess who it was with. 89 00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,340 Dracula! Dracula's a funny guess! 90 00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,600 Oh, no... 91 00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:02,210 Guys, it was Tanya from the nail salon across the street. 92 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,740 - He-yo! - Va-va-va voom! 93 00:04:03,780 --> 00:04:05,130 Suck your blood! 94 00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,260 Hey, Tony, want to see a picture of a rose? 95 00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:11,660 It's got the reddest petals, like red on steroids! 96 00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:14,790 I should probably focus on the kid's hair. 97 00:04:16,710 --> 00:04:19,970 So how'd the date go? 98 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,840 Yeah. Did ya get lucky? 99 00:04:21,890 --> 00:04:25,460 Actually, boys, I did get lucky... 100 00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,680 'cause I forgot my wallet and she had to pay! 101 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,160 Classic Tony! 102 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,070 Save that money, bitch! 103 00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:34,460 Who wants to hear more 104 00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:37,470 about my mother's yeast infection? 105 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,910 Another great trip to the barber shop. 106 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,950 Damn. I was on "fi-ah" today. 107 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,090 "Steve got his hairs cut. 108 00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:53,000 Mr. S got caught on fire. 109 00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:57,360 Mrs. S is watching pornography on the living-room TV." 110 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,580 Must have been cool seeing your dad in his element? 111 00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,230 It was... It was fine, I guess. 112 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,450 You guess? Come on! Tell your mother how awesome I was. 113 00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,240 - I can't. - Sure, you can! 114 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,630 It's not braggin' if you're talking about somebody else. 115 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,370 Dad, you were completely out of sync. 116 00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:16,810 Every time you spoke, 117 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,380 the conversation came to a screeching halt. 118 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,730 No! I'm good at chopping it up. 119 00:05:21,770 --> 00:05:23,300 I'm Sam from Cheers! 120 00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:25,170 No chance. You're... 121 00:05:25,210 --> 00:05:27,430 Gosh, I can't even give you the quiet guy with glasses 122 00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:29,560 who pops up like every 10 episodes. 123 00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:33,040 You're so out of place, it'd be like if a character 124 00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:35,960 from a completely different show came in the bar... 125 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,880 Maybe Gargamel from The Smurfs? 126 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,490 And I feel like that's even generous. 127 00:05:39,530 --> 00:05:42,270 Nope. We are going back to Bushwhackers. 128 00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,270 I'm gonna show you how wrong you are! 129 00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:52,110 I think Doctor Throbber's wiener may have never been broken. 130 00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,850 Well, I'm on your side, Brian. 131 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,460 It sounds like vengeance was necessary. 132 00:05:59,510 --> 00:06:01,770 The kid's neck is ready for another shave, Tony. 133 00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:03,250 Okay, what are we talking about? 134 00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:05,030 I was just explaining to the fellas 135 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,770 why the Coast Guard keeps coming around looking for me. 136 00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:10,430 Coast Guard, coast is clear, Clear Channel, English Channel. 137 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:12,260 Go, Bazooka Sharks, guv'na! 138 00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:16,220 Not exactly a standing ovation. 139 00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:18,740 But that's okay. Let's go with a classic. 140 00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:22,010 Hey, have I ever shown you guys this amazing picture of a rose?! 141 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,790 Gargamel... 142 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,580 Gargamel... 143 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,450 Gargamel... 144 00:06:28,490 --> 00:06:30,360 Am I bad at chopping it up? 145 00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:33,280 So I told him, "For a perfect ham sandwich, 146 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,200 the secret is... uncooked black beans." 147 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,110 Secrets?! You want secrets?! 148 00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,200 Well, Tuttle's in the witness protection program 149 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,420 'cause he saw a bunch of murders! 150 00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:44,460 Stan! How could you?! 151 00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:47,680 Stan, if that's true, you basically just killed Tuttle. 152 00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:50,640 Hey, we're... we're just guys chopping it up, right? 153 00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:52,580 What happens at Bushwhackers stays at Bushwhack... 154 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,210 Gotta go! 155 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,480 I'm receiving breaking news from my boss 156 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,650 with another Chop From the Barber Shop. 157 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,610 Langley Falls' own Al Tuttle 158 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,830 is in the witness protection program. 159 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,050 Is this station responsible for the certain death of Al Tuttle? 160 00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:11,490 We blame the person who told us... Stan Smith. 161 00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:15,320 As always, our file photos come from Pogofest 2017. 162 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,240 I can't believe he's dead. 163 00:07:26,290 --> 00:07:28,460 Goes to show, you can go at any moment, 164 00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,640 no matter how perfect your body is. 165 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,860 If I'm God, I'd want that back, too. 166 00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:34,470 This is tragic! 167 00:07:34,510 --> 00:07:37,650 I was about to get Tuttle to lend me 16 bucks. 168 00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:40,350 - I needed that 16! - Why? 169 00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:41,720 I'm getting sued for renting someone 170 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,260 an apartment I don't own. 171 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,520 It costs 16 bucks to park at the courthouse, 172 00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:48,530 where I will tell that person to go himself. 173 00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:54,400 You're doing great. We'll be done here soon, 174 00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:56,060 then we'll set you up with a new identity. 175 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,060 - Thanks, Stan... - Oh, God! 176 00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,410 I just miss you so much, buddy! 177 00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:04,850 So sad! So unsuspicious! 178 00:08:04,890 --> 00:08:08,030 Today we lay to rest Al Tuttle. 179 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,810 Tuttle was recently outed as a snitch 180 00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:11,770 against multiple crime families. 181 00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,780 But even more recently, he happened to die... 182 00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,780 Murdered by one of the many prostitutes 183 00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,870 he had grown to trust. 184 00:08:23,910 --> 00:08:26,780 But most importantly, Tuttle is now very dead, 185 00:08:26,830 --> 00:08:28,570 and anyone who came to town looking to kill him 186 00:08:28,610 --> 00:08:29,570 can head home. 187 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,310 God did the job for you. 188 00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:33,490 I thought a prostitute killed him? 189 00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:35,880 The prostitute's name was God. 190 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,400 She was... Dutch, I believe. 191 00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:40,320 No more questions. This funeral's over. 192 00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:44,800 Why all the long faces? 193 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,930 It's a beautiful day. Let's chop it up. 194 00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:48,760 Is there any difference between heavy cream 195 00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,550 and heavy whipping cream? 196 00:08:50,590 --> 00:08:53,640 Yeah. They add a protein that makes it easier to whip. 197 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,380 Oh. Well... 198 00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:58,860 Tuttle's still alive! We faked the whole thing! 199 00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,950 Well, shit. Up and at 'em. Time for plan B. 200 00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:05,340 I'm going, too?! 201 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:07,130 Absolutely. 202 00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:08,690 Your dad's been off his game. 203 00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:11,260 I can't leave you thinking that's how Big Stan operates. 204 00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:14,400 Is this really a mission for a 14-year-old to be going on?! 205 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,620 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to a gray-haired man. 206 00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,840 Oh, my God! 207 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,930 Tuttle was dead, and now he's back to life! 208 00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:25,060 Well, if Tuttle's not dead... 209 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,150 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 210 00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:30,890 Gold medal! Team U.S.A.! 211 00:09:30,930 --> 00:09:33,280 This isn't a dream! This is really happening! 212 00:09:33,330 --> 00:09:35,030 I know! 213 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,640 I think we lost 'em. 214 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,690 And if they do catch us, at least I'll die with friends, 215 00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:45,860 which I really never saw for myself. 216 00:09:45,910 --> 00:09:48,260 We're gonna be fine. There's a safe house in Vermont. 217 00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,560 We just have to get there, notify the CIA, 218 00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:52,870 and they'll swoop in and reset everything for Tuttle. 219 00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:54,870 I liked my old life. 220 00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:57,870 Now I'm gonna be shipped off to somewhere like Antarctica. 221 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,960 I mean, it'll be a nice excuse to wear my new winter coat, 222 00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:03,750 and there's gotta be good access to fresh fish. 223 00:10:03,790 --> 00:10:05,320 Can't be much traffic. 224 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,620 Okay! I'm actually looking forward to it! 225 00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:10,320 Mr. Tuttle, how'd you end up in witness protection anyway? 226 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,580 Well, back in my 20s, I lived in Chicago... 227 00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:17,110 and I suffered from horrible agoraphobia. 228 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,810 Didn't go outside for years. 229 00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:24,550 And then one day I forced myself to face my fears. 230 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,770 But as luck would have it, Chicago was hosting Mob-Con, 231 00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:30,690 and there were a few families there 232 00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,300 who didn't care for each other. 233 00:10:34,170 --> 00:10:36,300 Courtesy of the Gambonis! 234 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:39,740 I saw a mob hit. And then another. 235 00:10:39,790 --> 00:10:42,440 Strike four! Courtesy of the Gambinos! 236 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,530 Courtesy of the Bingonis! 237 00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,620 I had to testify in a whole mess of trials. 238 00:10:50,670 --> 00:10:52,890 So I was placed in witness protection. 239 00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:58,110 But I choose to look at it as a blessing. 240 00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:00,590 Otherwise, I never would have ended up in Langley Falls 241 00:11:00,630 --> 00:11:01,980 and met you guys! 242 00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:04,900 Geez. Meeting us is the blessing? 243 00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,290 Ever wish you just let the mob kill ya instead? 244 00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:10,860 Sometimes I wonder if they did 245 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,640 and this is actually hell! 246 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,260 The devil lives in hell! 247 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,090 He sure does, Dad. 248 00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,740 Damn. I'm really not good at choppin' it up, am I? 249 00:11:24,790 --> 00:11:26,270 Dad, forget it. 250 00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:27,789 Let's just focus on getting Tuttle to... 251 00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:30,710 Dad, why are you pulling over? 252 00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:32,490 Because it's not my fault. 253 00:11:32,530 --> 00:11:34,840 I'm with a nerdy kid and a snitch loser. 254 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,800 I just need some new energy in here. 255 00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:40,410 Dad, considering the circumstances, 256 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,760 we really shouldn't be inviting strangers into the car! 257 00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,020 I'm kinda with Steve on this, Stan. 258 00:11:45,070 --> 00:11:46,590 Can you two chill out? 259 00:11:46,630 --> 00:11:48,770 I gotta get this chop-it-up monkey off my back. 260 00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:50,860 Don't worry. I'm harmless. 261 00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:53,770 Except for one time when I was passing through Chattanooga. 262 00:11:53,820 --> 00:11:56,510 Well, ya... ya can't blame anyone 263 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,950 for what they do in Chattanooga. 264 00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,820 A friend of mine from the gym 265 00:12:00,870 --> 00:12:02,830 goes to Europe, like, all the time. 266 00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:07,790 And at that point, it was do or die, 267 00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:11,400 so I pushed that octopus right in front of the train. 268 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,310 Can't blame anyone for what they do in Chattanooga! 269 00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:16,400 Yeah, like the gentleman said... 270 00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:19,670 Hitchhiker, I gotta say, you are a dazzling conversationalist. 271 00:12:19,710 --> 00:12:22,190 Well, when you're a career hitchhiker, you have to be. 272 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,460 You rely on people wanting you in the car. 273 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,020 If you wanna keep the mileage going, 274 00:12:26,070 --> 00:12:27,810 you gotta keep the convo going. 275 00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,070 Did you just make that up? 276 00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,980 No. 277 00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:33,460 Would you be willing... to teach me? 278 00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:36,470 Yes. If you allow me to take my shoes and socks off. 279 00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:37,560 Deal! 280 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,600 Good, 'cause I just took 'em off. 281 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,520 And you'll be able to tell. 282 00:12:46,130 --> 00:12:48,440 The sun is shining. 283 00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:54,010 Two crows are fighting over a dildo. 284 00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,880 Babe's gonna love this. 285 00:12:57,660 --> 00:13:00,360 With all this writing, I forgot to eat lunch. 286 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,190 Better grab a popsicle. 287 00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:05,980 Two popsicles! 288 00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,630 Wait. I had been doing something, 289 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,850 something that was helping with my memory. 290 00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:17,420 What was it? 291 00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:19,340 Two popsicles! 292 00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:22,560 Two crows fighting over a dildo! 293 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,780 Babe's gonna love this! 294 00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:26,300 Hey, babe! 295 00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,210 Two popsicles! 296 00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:39,180 Let's fire up a test convo, Stan, 297 00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:40,750 so I can see what I'm working with. 298 00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:42,620 Tuttle, start us off, chief. 299 00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:45,670 O-kay, well, I, for one, 300 00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:48,890 am really enjoying all the stars in the sky. 301 00:13:48,930 --> 00:13:51,370 Yeah. Don't get this in the big city. 302 00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:54,110 I saw a video on YouTube of a rat dying! 303 00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:55,760 Okay. We'll pause there. 304 00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:58,070 Let's start with a concept called "Fit," 305 00:13:58,110 --> 00:13:59,310 and that's gonna be a three-pronger 306 00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:00,860 for a guy like you, Stan. 307 00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:03,210 One, does what I have to say fit 308 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,340 with the subject of the conversation? 309 00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:07,120 - At all? - Interesting. 310 00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,650 Steve, write all this down for me, 'kay? 311 00:14:09,690 --> 00:14:12,560 Two, does it fit with the tone? 312 00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:16,260 Happy versus sad, nice versus mean. 313 00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:19,880 And, three, does it fit, just, like, space-wise? 314 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,050 Because if someone else is already talking, 315 00:14:22,090 --> 00:14:23,620 the... the answer is no. 316 00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:24,970 Make sense? 317 00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:29,580 Steve, go ahead and read all that back to me. 318 00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,020 Anyone can string words together... 319 00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:33,850 Gravel, thunder, swimming pool. 320 00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:35,930 Oh, yeah, that sounds nice! 321 00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:38,500 No, Stan, that's actually the opposite of what I'm saying. 322 00:14:38,550 --> 00:14:41,370 90% of talking is listening. 323 00:14:42,770 --> 00:14:45,070 They found us! 324 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,080 That guy's from the funeral, Dad! 325 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,690 Mangia this bullet, you snitch! 326 00:14:52,730 --> 00:14:55,740 That was too close, Dad! We gotta be more careful! 327 00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,300 You saw what happened to that guy, 328 00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,390 and you think we should be more careful? 329 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,050 Here it is, the safe house. 330 00:15:05,830 --> 00:15:09,400 Dad, why aren't you, getting out? 331 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:12,100 I think you and I both know why I'm not getting out. 332 00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,190 I've gotta keep driving around with Hitchhiker. 333 00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,800 I'm this close to choppin' it up like a master. 334 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,020 - No, you're not. - Shut up! 335 00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:19,500 See? We're already ribbin' each other. 336 00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:20,890 - No, we're not. - Damn you to hell! 337 00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:23,200 You guys head in. I'll be back in no time. 338 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,640 You see how close I am. 339 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,640 Dad, don't go! 340 00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:31,210 Well, Steve, I guess that puts you in charge. 341 00:15:38,950 --> 00:15:40,090 CYBORG # Over there! 342 00:15:45,090 --> 00:15:47,010 CYBORG #Whoa. 343 00:15:47,050 --> 00:15:48,700 What's this? 344 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,020 Guys, I'm back! 345 00:15:57,060 --> 00:15:59,710 The Hitchhiker told me he couldn't teach me anything more 346 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,065 and then just walked into the ocean. 347 00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:05,020 There you boneheads are! 348 00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:06,980 Come on! Let's chop it up! 349 00:16:08,110 --> 00:16:11,160 Pointing? Okay. How about... 350 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,730 Nice point. You should be a pencil for Halloween! 351 00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:16,990 See? These guys get it. 352 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:18,950 No. We're laughin' at you. 353 00:16:18,990 --> 00:16:21,210 Rude dude alert. 354 00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:29,310 How long after I left did the mafia get here? 355 00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,180 Like right away. Maybe two minutes? 356 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:33,050 Okay. Good. I don't have to feel bad 357 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,050 about stopping for dinner with Hitchhiker. 358 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:36,920 Wouldn't have changed anything. 359 00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:39,930 Our three families have been warring for decades, 360 00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:41,840 but looking for you, Tuttle, 361 00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:44,060 has brought us together peacefully! 362 00:16:44,110 --> 00:16:46,760 So does that mean you're not gonna kill me? 363 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,550 Oh, no, we're definitely killing you. 364 00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:51,770 Please! You can't! Is he perfect? No! 365 00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,550 But he's a good guy, and I'll feel responsible if he dies. 366 00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:57,640 Nah, you won't feel anything. You'll be dead, too. 367 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,340 Not taking care of witnesses 368 00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:01,560 is kinda how we ended up in this mess. 369 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,390 Plus, this way, each family gets to kill one person, 370 00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:07,220 which'll keep things fair in our uneasy alliance. 371 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,220 Just give us a minute to decide who kills who. 372 00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,440 I'm sorry chopping it up brought us to this. 373 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,570 - It happens! - It's just... 374 00:17:14,610 --> 00:17:16,750 I'm your hero in every other aspect of life. 375 00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:18,050 You are? 376 00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,530 I couldn't handle even one teeny, tiny area 377 00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:23,320 where you didn't look at me as an absolute god. 378 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,540 But fortunately no one has to die, 379 00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,110 because Big Stan has a plan. 380 00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,630 What you've both forgotten is that 381 00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,630 I'm a master of chopping it up now. 382 00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:34,550 I'm gonna go chat with the mafia guys, 383 00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,070 and when they're completely engrossed, 384 00:17:36,110 --> 00:17:38,200 you two slip out the back and call the police. 385 00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,120 All that's gonna do is get you shot first! 386 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,900 Stan. You got this. 387 00:17:42,950 --> 00:17:44,950 Thanks, Tuttle. 388 00:17:44,990 --> 00:17:47,340 All right. Game time, bitches. 389 00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:51,130 Can I do this guy? 390 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,050 You guys wanna see a picture of a rose? 391 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:58,620 Sure. We'll check it out. 392 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,920 - Oh, it's beautiful! - Soo red! 393 00:18:01,970 --> 00:18:05,400 And I'm just now appreciatin' that strong, spiky stem! 394 00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:08,280 I'd gladly receive a kiss from this rose. 395 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,320 Like the song! 396 00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,630 He's doin' it! He's choppin' it up! 397 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,940 Such a nicely composed photo. Did you take this? 398 00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,290 Yeah, I took it. Off the Internet! 399 00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:32,690 And, class, 400 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,040 Stan was so good at conversing now 401 00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:36,780 that he used his silver tongue 402 00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:40,270 to actually "chop up" the bad guys. 403 00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:43,310 It's all here in The Book of Fischer. 404 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,920 After our lord and savior, Tuttle, died and rose again, 405 00:18:46,970 --> 00:18:49,580 this was the first miracle he performed... 406 00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:51,580 Giving an ordinary man the ability 407 00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:54,930 to chop up wrongdoers with his words. 408 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,330 How do we know any of this is true? 409 00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,810 Part of being a Tuttle's Witness is faith. 410 00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:07,210 Once you have truly welcomed Tuttle into your life, 411 00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:09,770 you'll know in your heart that everything 412 00:19:09,820 --> 00:19:11,640 in The Book of Fischer is true, 413 00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:13,910 every story enlightening, 414 00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:16,650 every spelling mistake meaningful. 415 00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:18,480 But wait a second. 416 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,260 How did the prophet Fischer even record this story? 417 00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,610 It happened after his book was entombed in the refrigerator. 418 00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:28,230 Not all stories are told linearly. 419 00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,190 Time to color in your picture of a rose. 420 00:19:37,890 --> 00:19:41,370 You guys wanna see a picture of a rose? 421 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,210 Tuttle, easy. It's over. 422 00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,080 What the hell, Tuttle?! We had a plan! 423 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,250 The rose was about to do its thing! 424 00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,040 Have you had that gun the whole time? 425 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,910 Yeah, I've been a marked man for 20 years. 426 00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:02,300 But I've never had to use it before. 427 00:20:02,350 --> 00:20:04,700 Well, everyone who knew you were alive is dead. 428 00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:08,140 So I guess you can either go back to Langley Falls 429 00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,230 or your life before that. 430 00:20:10,270 --> 00:20:12,620 I'll go back to Langley. 431 00:20:12,660 --> 00:20:14,620 That's where I have the most friends. 432 00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:17,490 I'll never be as funny as you are, Tuttle. 433 00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:19,630 Do we have to do something about this? 434 00:20:19,670 --> 00:20:22,110 It's a safe house, not an Airbnb. 435 00:20:22,150 --> 00:20:25,150 We don't have to "load the dishwasher" before we go. 436 00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:29,940 The Parable of Chopping It Up 437 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,330 is one of my favorites. 438 00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:34,070 Can we go to McCyberDonald's on the way home? 439 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,860 Ask your father. Here he comes. 440 00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:43,300 Still alive and kickin' after all these years! 441 00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:45,430 Pretty annoying how everyone worships Jeff now, 442 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,090 but gotta put up with it... 443 00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,740 'cause I can't get enough of these sexy robot people! 444 00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:53,140 Stop! 33860

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