All language subtitles for elviras 40th anniversary very scary very special special s01e01 1080p web h264-whosnext (1)_track3_[eng].1

- [Announcer] It's
"Elvira's 40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very
Special Special.

Especially For You",
(laughs evilly)

featuring four
special screenings

chosen by Elvira's cat
and a guy named Jimmy,

"House on Haunted Hill",
"City of the Dead",

"Messiah of Evil", and
"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

Ready or not, here they come.

Up here, arise, arrive!

- Hello, darling.
- Advance, alight.

- It's me, welcome to-
- Attack!

- Okay, okay, already.

Stop, they got it.

Oh, if I had a nickel

for every time I had
to tell a man shut up.

Hello, darling.

It's me, Elvira,
Mistress of the Dark,

the dame who scored
the cleavage award.

My cups runneth over,
and you're never bored.

Oh, and welcome to
my "40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very
Special Special",

the specialist special I've
ever done, especially for you.

I put the spesh in
special, IRL, girl, ow!

Oh, okay.

So, get out the shackles and
hang onto your broomsticks,

'cause this is a momentous,
once in a lifetime occasion.

I know time flies, doesn't it?

Especially in show business,

but as unbelievable as it seems,

tonight, I am turning 40.

We're did the time to go?

Why, I don't feel a
day older than undead.

Oh, look at me.

Oh, what a cutie.

Cute as a little piranha.

At that age, pageants
were all we had.

You know, I had to put myself
through nursery school.

Oh, and I just loved
my makeup artist.

She always had a
teething ring with her.

She'd still be working, too,

if it wasn't that she was
abducted by those aliens.

But that's my next show,

"Elvira Undercover,
Extra and Terrestrial".

(sighs) You know, I
hate to sound redundant,

and if you don't know
what that word means,

you're in the right place,

but this evening,
I do feel special.

Or maybe that's
just indigestion,

but while I was lying here,

stuffed into this torture
chamber of a dress,

trying to breathe,

I realized something really
special about this special,

and that's my guest stars.

We have Vincent Price,
Christopher Lee,

Patricia Jessel, Jeff Conaway,

Elijah Cook, Jr., Joy
Bang, and Sammy Davis, Jr.

Holla!

Now, if those names don't
mean anything to you,

it's probably
'cause they're dead,

well, all except for Joy Bang.

I mean, it was just her
career that bit the dust.

Ah, she's still out
there somewhere,

and I like to think
she is still bangin'.

And speaking of bangin', we
have a bangin' beginning, baby.

We're kicking off
this feast o' fear

with my very
favorite movie ever,

since the night I was born
40 years ago in that stable,

just me and the drummer boy.

Ooh, and boy, was he hot, ow!

In fact, this movie's so good,

I can't imagine how
we can afford it,

unless it's because
we're shooting in a
condemned warehouse

with no electricity
and no running water,

no craft services and no
fourth wall, for real.

(ghost moans)

Oh, and that one
pissed off ghost

(ghost screams)

and his girlfriend

(ghost dog howls)

and their dog?

Ugh, god, they are so whiny.

It's just hard to root for 'em.

Just my two cents.

Well, in any case,

this film shows up on top
10 lists year after year.

You've seen them, "The
Godfather", "Star Wars",

"Lord of the Rings", "Titanic",

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark",

starring yours cruelly.

It's the only movie
in film history

to be called ahead of its time
and outdated simultaneously.

Oh, and if you don't know
what that word is, no biggie.

I'm not gonna use
it again tonight,

but enough about the
English language.

More about me and my movie.

The technical
achievements of this film,

the effects, that script,
the acting, the dog,

everything about
this motion picture

will shock and amaze you,

and not just because it's
tasteless, salacious,

offensive, and
completely fabulous,

but because, with me, there's
always a happy ending,

if you catch my drift.

"Elvira, Mistress of the
Dark" came out in 1988,

just like Elton John,
and also just like him,

it touched a lot of
people, mostly male.

And now, ladies and Dobermans,
for your consideration,

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

- So that's what you look like.

You're ugly, horrible.

Go on, try your intellect on me.

I'll see you in hell first.

(gun fires)
(woman screams)

Help! Stop!

- Let's get out of here.

Call off your troops.

- He's firing.

(wind roars)

(man groans)

- He acted like he knew it.

- He did.

He learned almost too late
that man is a feeling creature.

And because of it, the
greatest in the universe.

There is hope, but it has
to come from man itself.

- I have to go,
I'm gonna eat now.

Hold on just a second.

- [Crew] Let's tie it up, baby.

- Hello, darling.

It's me again, yours
cruelly, Elvira,

the gal with the
enormous, uh, ratings.

Well, that's our show.

I hope you enjoyed watching
it as much as I did.

(gags) Oh, boy.

I mean, could you believe
that cheesy-looking monster?

Looked like Gumby on steroids.

Well, at least the
movie had a moral.

- Where's the shrimp tempura?

- Tempura, you ordered it?

This is mine.

- Hey, does anybody know
what that movie was about?

I'll tell you what it was about,

it was about an hour
and a half too long.

Oh, and don't forget, next week,

it's the head with two things,

I mean "The Thing
With Two Heads".

And until then, this is Elvira,

the gal who put the boobs
back in the boob tube,

saying unpleasant dreams.
(spooky music)

- [Crew] Got the news in
one minute and counting.

- Very nice.

What are you going?

Hey, put me down, will ya?

- How do you expect
me to fix your hair

if you keep moving around?
- Idiot.

- Thanks, you guys.

- Is there anything that
could possibly shame you?

- Yeah, wearing this in a
public place might do it.

- Get it, girlfriend.

- We got the news and counting.

- Elvira.

- Not now, Rudy.

- Wait a sec, wait a sec.

See that guy over there?

- What, the lard bucket
in the 10 gallon hat?

- Yes, that's the
station new owner.

- From the edge of the sea
to the end of the valley.

- You what?
- Shut up!

Relax, relax.

This guy's a millionaire, okay?

Mr. Hooter, this is Elvira.

- Name's Earl, but the ladies
back home call me Longhorn.

Maybe you can guess why?

- Gee, I don't know.

Does it have anything
to do with your breath?

- Why don't we let this little
filly get herself gussied up.

The sooner I get in
the saddle, the better.

- Well, I'm sorry, partner,

but it look like
it's gonna be you

and your trusty old right hand.

- Sounds like you're looking
to get yourself fired,

little lady.

- Go ahead and fire me.

I need this job like a leper
needs a three-way mirror.

It just so happens I have an
act opening up in Las Vegas.

- Well, terrific, you can
try your act out on me.

It's milking time.

(Mr. Hooter yelps)

- That's it, I'm walking.

I don't have to take
this from anybody,

and as for you, you
cretinous cowpoke,

if I ever see-
- She's got Hooter.

Somebody on the floor
get her outta there.

- Within so much
as 10 feet of me,

and I'm gonna tie your
weenie in a granny knot.

(table clatters)

- But you said she was a bimbo.

- [Crew] Come on, will you?

Not the ballgame. (groans)

- You can't quit.

- What's the big deal?

As soon as my show
opens in Las Vegas,

I'll never have to host

one of those crappo
horror movies again.

There's no problem with
the show, is there?

- Problem. (laughs)

Complications maybe,
but never a problem.

- All right, out with it, Manny.

- Okay, The Flamingo won't
go ahead with the show

unless you come up with some
money to help finance it.

- [Elvira] How
much do they want?

- $50,000.

- $50,000?

Are you nuts?

Where am I gonna come up
with that kind of money?

- Maybe it's not too late
to get your job back?

- Forget it, Manny.

I'm never working for
that sleazeball again.

I'll just have to find
another sleazeball.

(messenger knocks at door)

- [Messenger] Telegram
for Miss Elvira.

- I'll take it.

- Dear Elvira, as executor of
the estate of your great aunt,

Ms. Morgana Talbot,
I'm sorry to inform you

of her untimely passing.

- Whoa, I didn't even
know I had a good aunt,

much less a great one.

Let me see that.

It says here, all I have to do

is come to Fallwell,
Massachusetts,

for the reading of the will,

and I'll pick up my inheritance.

Is that timing or what?

(Elvira sniffles)

- And lastly, to my
enchanting niece, Elvira,

who has unflinchingly withstood

the slings and arrows
of an imperfect world

without so much as a
whimper or complaint,

I bequeath my entire fortune.

(Elvira sobs)

Let's show Elvira exactly
what she's inherited.

(upbeat music)

Elvira, you are going to start

with something that
dreams are made of,

a beautiful new sailboat!

You're going to sail away
sporty Sunchaser 2 from Snark.

And that's not all.

When you're tired of sailing,

you'll drive home in this
brand new Jeep Wrangler!

- I needed one of those.

- And you'll sit down to dinner

at this beautiful
10-piece dining room suite

from American Heritage.
(Elvira screams)

And on top of all
of that, money!

Lots and lots of money!

- Elvira, Elvira!

Are you all right?

- Go ahead and call
The Flamingo, Manny.

Tell them I'll
have that 50 grand

as soon as I get back
from Massachusetts.

Las Vegas, here I come.

(upbeat rock music)

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* I've been around,
round and round *

* I broke it up, 'cause
you shot me down, yeah *

* Oh yeah

- Hop in, sailor.

* I took a ride on
your winding road *

* Told you some secrets I
ain't ever told before *

* No more

* Say, if you wanna
meet me halfway *

- Here, you forgot your axe.

(hitchhiker screams)

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

(wolf howls)

* There's a place
just down the road *

* Where the little ones
have fallen souls, oh yeah *

* Oh yeah

(siren blares)

* Take me to Shanghai,
take me away *

* I need a rest from
this crazy masquerade *

- You know you were doing 50

in a 25 mile per hour zone?

- Um, no, but if you hum a few
bars, I'll fake it. (laughs)

I gotta get a new joke.

This one's costing me a fortune.

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

(attendant passes gas)

* I go inside and order up
some chicken fried steak *

- Hey?

How about some gas?

* Chicken fried steak,
oh, chicken fried steak *

* Taters and gravy
and peas on a plate *

(Elvira slams door)

* Bring me two orders,
don't make no mistake *

* There ain't nothin' better
than chicken fried steak *

* Well, the first bite
is the best bite *

* It's the one
that sets me free *

* Smothered in gravy,
it drips all over me *

* My teeth sink down into it

* It's more than I can take

* When I started chewing on
that chicken fried steak *

* Chicken fried steak,
oh, chicken fried steak *

* Taters and gravy
and peas on a plate *

- You know, those
things'll kill ya.

- Have a nice day!

* If there ever comes a time
I get my gun and I go wrong *

* And the just says I must die

* 'Cause the jury
wants me gone *

(gas station explodes)

(upbeat rock music)

* Hey, hey, hey

* Just like a cat
on a hot tin roof *

* Feel I'm feminine,
why can't you lose her *

* Once bitten, twice shy

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

(wolf howls)

(church bells ring)

(peaceful music)

(upbeat rock music)

* Say if you wanna
meet me halfway *

* Too damn bad

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

* I said once
bitten, twice shy *

* Come on

- I can make darn sure
he doesn't get it.

I have my ways, you know.

(car hood clatters)

- [Man] Keep the
kids back, honey.

- Well.

- Oh, oh.

Well, I never.

- Yeah, and you never will with
them soup cans on your head.

- Listen, young lady.

I don't know who you are
or where you came from,

but you most certainly
don't fit in this town.

Why, you don't even
fit in that dress.

- Listen, sister, if
I want your opinion,

I'll beat it outta ya.

- Anita.

Anita, it's the antichrist,
I tell you, the antichrist.

- Can someone tell me where
there's a garage around here?

- Yeah, yeah, there's
one right up the street.

- Oh, (chuckles)

well, would one of
you big strong men

mind giving me a little push?

(upbeat rock music)

Easy, easy, don't
scratch the paint.

- She's incredible.

- Man, what I wouldn't do

for just one peek
at those gazongas.

- [Boy] They're unreal.

- Oh, great.

That means I'm stuck
in this hell hole.

I mean this quaint
little hell hole.

Listen, is there a motel
or something around here?

- Well, there's the Cozy Cot,

down by the Widow
Bishop's feed store.

Of course, her son
sort of took that over

after she had that
spelled a gingivitis.

Her whole mouth swole up.

It looked like she
ate a box of staples.

Folks were saying she got it

from kissing that
old dog of hers.

Nice tits.

(upbeat rock music)

(wolf howls)

- Yoo-hoo?

(bell rings)

Can I have a room?

- Sorry, we're booked solid.

- So how come it says
vacancy out there?

- Look, we do have a room.

Remember the trucker
with the bad skin

that checked out this morning?

- Ew, I hope you
changed the sheets.

(striking guitar riff)

Hi.

- Is that makeup I see
on your face, young lady?

- No, ma'am.

I mean, yes, ma'am.

Well, just a little.

- How many times have I told you

you're too young to wear makeup?

- Now, Mother,

I don't see the harm-
- Shut up, Lesley.

- But Grandma,

all the other girls at
school are wearing makeup.

- Well, if all the other girls
at school jumped off a cliff,

would you jump off a cliff?

What, and you don't
have that sense

that you weren't born with.

(bell rings)

- I hate to interrupt this
little episode of "The Waltons",

but could I get a room?

- Okay, but it's cash up front.

I know what you pinko heavy
metal weirdos do to motel rooms.

Read all about it in "The Star".

- I'll show the
lady to her room.

- Oh, no, you don't.

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey, don't let
'em get you down.

I used to get the
same line about makeup

from the nuns at the orphanage.

Of course, I was only eight.

Uh, I'm Elvira.

- I'm Robin.

- So, Robin, what's there to
do for fun around here anyway?

- This town isn't
real big on fun.

- [Elvira] Hmm.

- Well, there is one place
that's open, the bowling alley.

That gets real wild
on league night.

- Gee, I think I can handle it.

(upbeat rock music)

(pins clatter)

- Oh, I am so sure.

They must think
we're really stupid.

They're gonna kill
Spiderman with plutonium?

He's got radioactive blood.

- Oh, yeah?

Let me see that.

- Hey, man, what'd
you do that for?

- Shut up.

Look at what just walked in.

- Ooh, um, Bloody Mary.

- No hard liquor served
past eight o'clock.

Do you want a virgin?

- Maybe, but I'll have a
couple of drinks first.

(solemn country music)

- Hey, baby, I got
something to show you.

- Sorry, I left my
magnifying glass at home.

- Hey, that's pretty good.

Billy, no way to talk to a lady.

So how about a blowjob?

(Travis and Billy snicker)

(beer splashes)

I bet you think that was
pretty funny, don't ya?

- I enjoyed it.

- Yeah, well, you're gonna
enjoy this even more.

- [Elvira] I'll cut you, man.

- [Billy] She stabbed me.

- Faked ya out.

- [Travis] Yeah, well,
this ain't fake, baby,

so stand still,
'cause I'm gonna-

(punches thud)

- My name's Elvira, but
you can call me tonight.

- I'm Bob, Bob Redding.

Pleased to meet you.

- Look at this mess.

Who the heck is
gonna pay for it?

- It's all right, Patty, I'll
take care of the damages.

- Seems to me it's all this
cheap little tart's fault.

- Cheap?

Who are you callin' cheap?

What's that perfume you're
wearing, catch of the day?

- Look, honey, I don't know
which hole you crawled out of,

but I suggest you
crawl right back in

if you know what's good for you.

- You better watch out.

You could put somebody's
eyes out with them things.

(Elvira clears throat)

- Break it up.
- We'd better go.

- It looks like you've got
some competition, Patty.

- Charlie, trash does
not compete with class.

- Right down the
street at the Cozy Cot.

- Oh.

So, what brought
you to Fallwell?

- My car.

(Bob laughs)

No, really, I'm
here for the reading

of my great aunt Morgana's will

- Morgana Talbot,
she's your aunt?

- Yeah, it came as a
surprise to me, too.

- I never really knew her,
but I sure admired her spunk.

She never caved in the way
everybody else in this town has.

Well, I don't want to bore
you with local politics.

- Go ahead, bore me.

- Okay, we've got
this town council

that lives in mortal
fear that somewhere,

somehow, somebody in Fallwell
is having a good time.

- Oh, a bunch of real
preservatives, huh?

- Oh. (chuckles)

I run the movie house.

- Oh, really?

I'm in movies, too.

Have you ever shown
"I Married Satan"?

- No.

- How about the sequel,
"I Married Satan 2"?

- No.

- Uh, hmm.

- I can only play
G-rated movies.

- Oh, well, there's nothing
wrong with G-rated movies,

as long as there's lots
of sex and violence.

Hey, listen, Bob, I'm
only gonna be in town

for a couple of days and
I can't think of anyone

who I'd rather squeeze
into my agenda.

- Gee, that'd be swell.

(truck door slams)

(engine rumbles)

- Oh, Mr. Talbot.

Your sister was
like a mother to me.

- She was a mother
to me, too, dear.

Well, now that we've dispensed

with the obligatory
display of bereavement,

you may begin the
proceedings, Mr. Bigelow.

- It was Mrs. Talbot's wish
to have all of her relatives

present for the
reading of the will.

- All of her
relatives are present,

me, myself, and I.

- Well, apparently, Mrs. Talbot
has a grand niece, Elvira,

who is also one of
the beneficiaries.

- That's impossible.

- Well-

- Who is this grand niece?

- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

But then, so's my aunt.

Hey, what'd she die of?

Nothing serious, I hope.

Say, nice jacket.

Who shot the couch? (laughs)

Hey, is there a
bathroom around here?

I'm telling you, that
toilet over at the Cozy Cot

looks like somebody's
science project.

- Who is this woman?

- This must be Mrs.
Talbot's grand niece.

Elvira, this is your great
aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot.

- If she was my aunt
and you're her brother,

then you must be my Uncle Vinny!

- Get this woman off of me.

- Oh, and you must be
Auntie Em and Uncle Remus.

Oh, there's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

- Hurry up, Bigelow,
let's get on with it.

- Yeah, really.

Let's get going before
somebody else dies. (laughs)

- This is the certified and
only last will and testament

of the deceased, Morgana Talbot.

To my housekeeper,
Mrs. Morrissey,

for years of loyalty
and devotion,

I leave my silver tea service

and a cash allotment of $5,000.

- Oh, no. (sobs)

- Hey, babe, what
you whining about?

You made out like a bandit.

- To Mr. Morrissey, my driver,

I leave my automobile and
an allotment of $5,000.

- Whoa, dude, 10 grand
just for the help?

That old gal must have
really been loaded.

Oh, I mean, dear, sweet Aunt
Morgana certainly was generous.

What's it say about me?

What'd I get, what'd
I get, what'd I get?

- To my grand niece, Elvira.

- Come on, lay it
on me, Aunt Morgana.

Big bucks, big bucks.

- I bequeath my house, my
beloved poodle, Algonquin,

and my precious book of recipes.

- That's it?

A house, a dog, and a book.

- Please, if you will
allow me to finish.

And finally, to my
dear brother, Vincent,

I leave the rest of my
estate and holdings,

of which there is none.

- Where's the cash?

Where's the furniture?

Where's Bob Eubanks?

- He wasn't mentioned.

- I don't get it, man,

boss, what's so important
about a dumb recipe book?

- That dumb recipe book
contains more power

than your feeble little
minds can ever imagine,

and it rightfully belongs to me.

I must have that book.

- Great, just what
I need, a house.

I need a house in Fallwell
like I need a padded bra.

I can't live here.

I'll go crazy, I tell ya.

(man grunts)

- Crazy!

- May I offer you a ride?

- Buzz off, creep,
I'm not in the mood.

Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinny.

- Yes.

Uncle Vinny.

I must apologize for my
behavior in the office.

It's just that your appearance
was a bit of a shock to me.

- That's okay.

My appearance is kind
of a shock to everybody.

- Yes, well, as you
may have surmised,

my sister and I, well,

let's just say we
had our differences.

- Yeah, I guess.

You really got shafted.

Look, I'll tell you
what, Uncle Vinny,

I'll share my
inheritance with you.

You can have a dog.

- No, thank you.

But I would be interested in
acquiring that recipe book,

you know, for
sentimental reasons,

I'd be willing to
pay you, say, $50.

- Hey, sure, I'll
do it for 50 bucks.

- Oh.

- Vinny, you got
yourself a cookbook.

That lawyer guy is taking
me over to the house,

so you can pick
it up there later.

- Fine, I'll see you there.

- Oh, don't forget to
bring the cash. (chuckles)

- Drive.

* If one of those bottles
should happen to fall *

- Oh, we're here.

- [Child] I'm coming, wait up!

- Hey, this place
ain't half bad.

Bet you could get
a bundle for it.

- Yes, you could, but
your house is over there.

(spooky music)

- Oh, Mr. Talbot, I
just wanted to thank you

for that generous donation
you made to the Morality Club.

- You're quite welcome.

You know, as I always
say, morals aren't cheap.

And speaking of cheap,

a little birdie told me
that that Elvira woman

is related to you.

Now, not that it's
any of my business,

but then, of course
everything is.

- Believe me, I'm as anxious
to get rid of her as you are.

- Oh, good, you know,

because someone like
that comes to town,

the next thing you know,

they're teaching sex
education in the schools

and they're passing out
condoms to kindergartners.

You remember when
those swarthy fellows-

- She won't be
with us very long.

- Oh, um.

Why, uh.

Well, I know I'm
needed somewhere.

Chastity Pariah can do.

Bye bye now.

(spooky music)

- Careful, some of
the boards are loose.

- What a dump.

- Like I said, the house
needs a little something.

- Yeah, like a wrecking ball.

(Algonquin barks)

- I think Algonquin likes you.

- Here doggy, go on.

Go chase this into the street.

I can't stand little dogs.

Boy, if my aunt wasn't
dead, I kill her.

(floorboard creaks)

Sorry, Aunt Morgana.

Just kiddin'.

- Here's the rest
of your inheritance,

your great aunt's recipe book.

- Oh, yeah, some inheritance.

Well, at least I'm
getting 50 bucks for it.

Say, how much you think I
could get for this place?

- Well, even though the
house is in disrepair,

it is in a prime location.

I'd venture to say
you could get 70,000.

- 70 grand?

- Maybe more, if
it were fixed up.

Would you be
interested in selling?

- Does the chicken
have a pecker?

Course I'm interested.

(quizzical music)

Now, what am I
gonna do with you?

(upbeat rock music)

(clippers whir)

That's more like it, Algonquin.

Algonquin, what a sissy name.

Let's see, what do I call ya?

I know, Gonk.

How do you like that?

(Gonk growls)

(Gonk barks)

(Vincent knocks)

Yeah, hold your horses.

(Vincent knocks)

Hi, Uncle Vinny.

You're here for the book, right?

Come on in.

Oh, can I make you a
cup of tea or something?

- I wouldn't want to
put you to any trouble.

- Hmm, good point.

- I can't stay very long anyway.

- Say, you wouldn't want
to buy a house, would ya?

- I'm afraid not.

- I'll sell it to
you really cheap.

- No, thank you.

- Vinny, they don't make
houses like this anymore.

I mean, looking at detailing,

look at that craftsmanship.

What would you pay
for a house like this?

Don't answer, because
you not only get a house,

if you act right now,

you also get all this
beautiful furniture.

Now, what would you pay?

I'm telling you
it's a jewel box,

a gem, a love hutch for two.

I'd bend over backwards
to make you a deal.

I'd bend over forwards.

Well, I'd on my
head and eat a bug.

- No!

Just the book!

- Okay, if you're gonna
get crabby about it.

(floorboard squeaks)

That's weird.

I would have sworn the book
was just on that table.

- You promised me that book.

- Hey, don't get your
panties in a bunch.

Didn't just walk away.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

- Yes, of course it will.

Forgive me.

(Gonk growls)

Thinks he's a pit bull.

(thunder rumbles)

(bed squeaks)

Good thing I'm not
gonna be here very long.

Neighbors would
never get any sleep.

(rain splatters)

- About time, doofus.

Did you bring the camera?

- What do I look like, an idiot?

- You really want
me to answer that?

- Shut up, you guys.

She's gonna hear us.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the most drop dead
gorgeous one of all?

Oh, you're just saying that.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Bo] What do you see?

What do you see?
- In a minute.

In a minute.

- [Bo] Oh, my fingers.

Guys, I can't see a thing.
- In a minute.

(sultry music)

Whoa.

- [Bo] Hey, don't drop it.

- Ow.
- Let me see.

- Awesome.

I gotcha.

- [Bo] Guys, it's my turn.

Did you get it?

(Elvira screams)

- Haven't you boys got
someplace else to hang around?

- We heard you might need a
little help fixing up the place.

- That's very thoughtful,

but why don't you come back
when the light's better?

Okay, good night.

(boys yell)

- You blew it.

- Did you see those gazongas?

- Awesome.
- I got it.

- All right, yeah!
- All right.

(thunder rumbles)

(suspenseful music)

- [Morgana] Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

(door creaks)

(Elvira screams)

- Oh, out, out, out, out.

(thunder rumbles)

(peaceful music)

- Hi, Elvira.

- Hi!

- Oh, hi, you're here.

- Richard's folks run
the hardware store

and we got lots of paint.

- Oh, too bad they
don't own the bank.

Uh, I'll be right down.

Let's do it.

* You know you make
me wanna shout *

* Kick my heels up and shout

* Throw my hands up and shout

* Throw my head back and shout

- Hey, Elvira, we got us
a couple more volunteers.

- Great, just grab a
tool and start bangin'.

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Say you will

* Say it right now, baby

* Say you will

- Hi, Elvira.

- Hi, Robin, come on in.

* Say that you need me

* You wanna please me

* Come on now

* Come on now

- Randy, can you
hand me that rag?

Randy?

- Sorry, I, yeah,
yeah, yeah, sure.

* When you used to
be nine years old *

- Young lady!

Robin Meeker, what in
the name of tarnation

are you doing here?

You're gonna pay dearly.
- Robin?

- I'm going to find out
about this, young lady.

- Robin?

- [Grandma] Come over here.

When you gonna learn
to do what you're told?

If you don't learn to
do what you're told,

you're gonna end
up on the streets.

* You know you make
me wanna shout *

* Lift my head up and shout

* Throw my hands
back and shout *

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* All right, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, shout

* Come on, now, shout
- Lemonade?

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

- It's fabulous.

* You know, you make
me wanna shout *

(teens cheer)

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now

- I tell you I nearly died.

There she was, parading
around in clothes

that couldn't keep a
titmouse dry in a drizzle.

I mean, it was next to nothing.

- I'd say it was next to plenty.

- And she had half
the teenagers in town

writhing around to
that jungle music.

- And this morning,

on my regular tour of
the boys' lavatory,

I confiscated this.

- Hmm.

- I'll be making the
announcement this afternoon.

Henceforth, all
students will be subject

to immediate expulsion
if they are found

in the company of that floozy.

- Please, I don't think we
need to resort to name calling.

I think what Calvin
is trying to say

is that this Elvira is
a person of easy virtue,

a purveyor of pulchritude,

a one-woman Sodom and
Gomorrah, if you will.

A slimy, slithering succubus,

a concubine, a streetwalker,
a tramp, a slut,

a cheap whore!

- She'll be nothing
but a bad dream

just as soon as she
sells that property.

An open house has already
been planned for tomorrow.

- But what if she
decides not to sell?

What if she decides
to settle here?

- Well, if she's morally unfit,

then we have every right
to do anything we can

to get her out of this town.

Are we agreed?

- Here, here.
- Absolutely.

- Maybe we're not being
entirely objective about this.

- Shut up, Lesley.

- Then it's unanimous.

(gavel bangs)

- Harold Glotter,
Fallwell Real Estate.

- Well, I sure hope
you got a buyer.

I haven't had so
much as a looky-loo.

- Don't worry.

I have some wealthy
investor friends

that'd buy this
house in a minute,

that is, if you play
your cards right?

- Oh, honey, I'd do anything
to get rid of this rat trap.

- That's what I like,
a motivated seller.

It's all a matter of technique.

For starters, let's try and

set the proper mood.
(seductive music)

- Oh, good idea.

I mean, the less
they see, the better.

- Then, it's simply a matter
of getting close to the buyer.

Tell them all about the
potential appreciation

and guide him through
every nook and cranny,

slowly unveil everything, from
the balcony to the basement,

one area at a time.

Then, when he's so enthralled
he's ready to burst,

you clench the deal!

Ow!

You'll be sorry.

You'll never sell
this place without me.

- Just because this house is
up for grabs doesn't mean I am.

(Gonk barks)

- Ah, get this dog off!

Get back, get outta here.

(melancholy music)

(phone rings)

- "Calm down, Manny," she says.

I've got The Flamingo
breathing down my neck

to cough up the dough
to hold that showroom,

and you're telling
me to calm down.

- I told ya, I'll come
up with the money.

Heck, I was just six inches
from selling this house today.

- Look, kid, you better
get that money here pronto

or your through, do you hear me?

The only showroom you'll see
in Vegas'll have Toyotas in it!

(Elvira sighs)

(seductive music)

- And now I understand she
is out looking for a job.

(women chatter in high speed)

* And so in love as we

* And bewildered by
the world we see *

- [Billy] Let's go.

* Only those in
love would know *

* What a town
without pity can do *

* If we stop to
gaze upon a star *

* People talk about
how bad we are *

- There's no book upstairs,
but I found these panties.

Try one, they're edible.

* What a town
without pity can do *

- Now, keep looking.

(Gonk growls)

(Gonk barks)

(door creaks)

- Excuses, excuses.

We turned the place inside out.

- Yeah, and tell
him about the dog.

Well, it must have been the
size of a water buffalo.

- Quiet!

Now, listen to me
very carefully.

I want you to go
to the courthouse

and remove all the records
of the town ordinances

and bring them back to me.

Do you understand?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Then get out.

- Come on, you dummy.
- I told you, I'm going.

* Oh, it isn't very pretty

* What a town
without pity can do *

- Ow!

- Oh my gosh, Elvira.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

- Yeah, I think so.

- How's your head?

- I haven't had
any complaints yet.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, I think I'll live.

Believe me,

it's not the worst thing
that's happened to me today.

I've been to every
place in this town

and no one will give me a job.

It's like it's a
conspiracy or something.

- You know what your problem is?

Chastity Pariah.

- (gasps) Oh, I though
that cleared up.

- No, Chastity Pariah.

She's the old biddy,

she's got the whole
town turned against you.

- Oh, swell, so now no one'll
hire me and I'm flat busted.

No, I mean I'm broke.

- I'd hire you if I could,

but I'm barely
making enough money

to stay in business as it is.

- Duh, not surprised.

I mean, who wants to pay

to see some quack
making duck calls?

And besides that, Bob, you
got an extra E in matinee.

- No, I don't.

That's how you spell it.

- Uh, Bob, I'm in show business.

I think I know how
to spell matinee.

- Well, I think it's
an awfully good idea.

(Chastity gasps)

(Elvira screams)

- Oh, Bob, how can
I ever repay you.

Here, let me try.

- That witch!

(tires squeal)

(ominous music)

- I guess I'd better
get back to work.

Matinee's gonna start soon.

- Oh, yeah, I can see
the crowds lining up now.

Bobby, baby, you
are gonna go broke

showing turkeys like these.

- You got a better idea?

- It just so happens that I
have some of the classic films

of all time in the
trunk of my car.

As a matter of fact...

(thoughtful music)

(ominous music)

(elevator creaks)

- Hmm, I don't trust that guy.

Who has an elevator
without a door?

I mean, that's just an
accident waiting to happen.

But having said that,

isn't this movie the bomb?

Or sick, dope,

whatever the hell they're
saying on TikTok these days?

I haven't had so much fun

since the last time
I crashed a funeral.

Always a lot of laughs.

Okay, kids, guess
what time it is?

That's right, it's Sack Time,

Sack Time with Elvira,

and I've got my rusty
old mail sack right here,

because I still receive so
many letters about this movie.

Why, there must be about
a million of them in here?

Well, three.

(cat yowls)

Okay, let's see, what
have we got here?

First letter.

Ooh, nice.

Dear Elvira, did your movie
ever get any bad reviews?

Signed, Curious.

Well, Curious, good question,

but no, of course not.

I mean, my movie is universally
adored, just like me.

Well, there may have been
a handful of comments

that were not bad, per se.

More like misguided
or mean-spirited

or just plain stupid.

Okay, let's see,

what, oh, here
we've got this one.

Yeah, let's see.

Alrighty, who's this from?

Okay, dear Elvira,
your movie sucked.

There was no
character development.

Sincerely, Leonard Maltin.

Yo, Malt Balls,

better have your eyes examined,

because I am one
developed character.

All right, and the final letter.

(laughs) Oh, golly, this is fun.

Dear Elvira, your
movie was good.

See, some people have taste.

Okay, all the kids in
my first grade class

think you are funny.

This is so cute.

XOX, Tommy.

P.S., I saw your underpants.

Gosh darn it,

those darn kids just say the
darndest things, don't they?

Well, back to the
action, darling,

as "Mistress of the
Dark" continues.

(ominous music)

(Vincent speaks in
foreign language)

- He who holds the Book of Sight

when the moon is
drained of all its light

will then be ruler of the night,

master of the dark.

The lunar eclipse, Morgana,

it's less than a week away,

when the moon is drained
of all its light.

(table rumbles)
(Morgana screams)

There's nothing you can do.

You're dead, and I'm not.

(Vincent laughs evilly)

(teens chatter)

- Oh, there you are.

I have been looking
all over for you guys.

You are not gonna
believe the good news.

Yours truly is hosting a
special midnight screening

at Bob's theater of one of
the worst movies ever made.

I mean, it is bad.

You know, like bad as in bad,

like I'm bad,
jammon, you know it.

Hey, what is this?

"The Invasion of
the Body Snatchers"?

Two days ago, we
were bosom buddies.

- [Robin] It's the principal.

- You're darn right,
it's the principle.

Friends oughta stick together.

- No, I mean the
principal, Mr. Cobb.

- He'd kill us if we
went to your show,

not to mention our parents.

- Kill your parents, too?

- No, our parents would never
let us stay out that late.

- Oh, I see.

Well, last thing I want to do

is get you guys in any trouble.

I mean, so what if it blows

my only chance at
making a living.

I mean, that's not your problem.

And if I get so depressed,

I wind up hanging
myself in the oven,

hey, those are the breaks.

And if they ever ask about me,

tell them I was more than
just a great set of boobs.

I was also an
incredible pair of legs.

And tell 'em, tell 'em that
I never turned down a friend,

well, I never turned down a
stranger, for that matter.

And tell 'em, tell 'em that
when all is said and done,

I only asked that people
remember me by two simple words,

any two, as long
as they're simple.

(Elvira sobs)

- If we all decide to help
Elvira, what can Cobb do?

- He can expel us all.

- I don't know about the rest
of you, but I'll be there.

(solemn music)

- Me, too.

- You can count on me.

- We're sorry, Elvira.

We'll all come to your show.

- Great, 12 o'clock sharp,
be there or be square.

- At 10:30, my old man's out.

- Mine's out, too.

(teens whisper)

(sneaky music)

(water splashes)

(fabric rips)

- Oh, that looks great.

- You really like it?

- Yeah!

- Elvira, where
do you want this?

- Just right up there.

- Okay.

- What's the bucket for?

- Didn't I tell you?

Oh, it's so cool.

This is the part
that I ripped off,

I mean, it was inspired
by "Flash Dance".

I reach up, I pull this rope,

and my entire body is
covered in gold glitter.

Couldn't you die?

- All right.

- I'm telling you, that's
guaranteed standing ovulation.

(bells ding)

(ominous music)

(adventurous music)

(teens cheer)

- You're late.

- Where the guy gets pureed.

Don't worry, they're Italians.

They'll wind up making
a great marinara sauce.

(teens laugh)

- Robin?

Is that you?

Man.

- This is where the heroine
gets grabbed by the tomatoes.

I can't look!

(woman screams)

(teens laugh)

(Patty laughs)

- Boy, this ending's so bad,

the tomatoes oughta
start throwing

rotten people at the screen.

(teens cheer)

Okay, darlings, don't move,

because the best is yet to come.

Ladies and Dobermans, it's
time for the grand finale.

(upbeat music)

* Just a steel town girl
on a Saturday night *

* Looking for the
fight of her life *

* In the real-time world,
no one sees her at all *

* They all say she's crazy

* Locking rhythms to
the beat of her heart *

* Changing movement into light

* She has danced
into a danger zone *

* When the dancer
becomes the dance *

* It can cut you like a knife

* If the gift becomes the fire

* On the wire between
will and what will be *

* She's a maniac,
maniac on the floor *

* And she's dancing
(Elvira gasps)

(Patty laughs)

Patty!

(teens groan)

(suspenseful music)

Oh, I have never been so
humiliated in my entire life.

Just wait till I get
my hands on that Patty.

I'm going to rip every
single bleached blonde hair

out of her scalp,
gouge out her eyeballs,

and use her head
for a bowling ball.

I'm telling you, they are
not gonna get away with it.

That barf bag Chastity
blacklisted me out of a job,

and that sleazoid of a
high school principal

turning all the kids against me.

And that bench-sniffing
real estate letch

trying to get his
commission in the sack.

I'll get even with
every one of them

if it's the last thing I do.

(ominous music)

- What's that perfume
you're wearing?

- Super unleaded.

Don't smoke.

Well, here's to my big opening.

(Robin giggles)
I mean, forget it.

Don't you kids think
it's past your bedtime?

- Oh, heck no.

I'm not tired, ouch.

- It is getting awfully late.

- Yeah, we'd better be going.

- Yep, well, see
you dudes tomorrow.

("The Star Spangled Banner")

(curious music)

(Bob breathes heavily)

Ow!

There's the darn recipe book.

How'd it get under there?

- (gasps) That reminds
me, I'm starving.

- Me, too.

- Uh, let's go get
something to eat.

There's an all night truck
stop out on the interstate.

- No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, Bob.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you set the table

while I see what I can
whip up in the kitchen.

My aunt sure had
lousy penmanship.

I can't read a
word of this stuff.

It looks like it was written

in some kind of foreign
language or something.

Hey, wait, look at this.

Adraka Kozerol.

Kozerol, oh, casserole.

Hmm, that sounds good.

Okay, let's see, what
does it say here?

One edrazeba.

Hmm?

Wonder where's she keeps
the edrazeba around here.

(curious music)

Wow, this is some spice rack.

Tramazol.

Folemgra.

Kuderox.

Oh, here it is, edrezeba.

One edrezeba.

Okay, one half folemgra.

Whoa, looks like
folemgra went bad.

I don't know, it says it's
good until June of next year.

What the heck, I got
a cast-iron stomach.

Okay, then, let's see.

Two to three guletra, guletra.

Uh, let's see, one kuderox.

Kuderox, where could it be?

(mixture bubbles)

Mm, doesn't smell too bad,

but it looks like caca-doodoo.

(Elvira hums)

(chips crunch)

There, that's much better.

It's soup!

- Mm, smells great.

What is it?

- Oh, just a little
something I conjured up.

- Oh.

Allow me.

- Thank you ever so.

Well, I hope you're hungry,

'cause here's dinner!

(creature snarls)

(Elvira and Bob scream)

(ominous music)

(creature snarls)

The switch, Bob, the switch!

(disposal whirs)

First time I was ever an
appetizer for the main course.

- Where'd you learn how to cook?

- I didn't.

I just followed the
directions in my aunt's,

Gonk, what are you doing?

Give me that cookbook!

Gonk, Gonk?

Gonk, you get back
here right now

or you are grounded
for one week.

Gonk!

- [Bob] Gonk, come here.

- (gasps) Deja vu.

(ominous music)

- Wow.

- Gonk?

Gonk, are you in here?

(Gonk barks)

Gonk, you are a
very bad, bad dog.

Oh, yuck, you
slobbered all over it.

(Gonk barks)

Now what do you want?

(Gonk scratches)

- I think he wants
you to open the trunk.

- Why didn't you just say so?

Wow, look at all this cool junk.

This could be you, Gonk.

(Gonk growls)

Eww, think I used to
go out with this guy.

- Take a look at this.

- Think it's for me?

- Go ahead, open it.

- You open it.

- Dearest, Elvira,

for all these years, I
protected you from the truth,

but the time has now come

when your only
protection is the truth.

- Say what?

Let me see this.

Your mother, Devana, was
an extraordinary woman.

She was the true
mistress of the dark,

but her power did
not go unchallenged.

- [Morgana] For 300 years,
your great uncle, Vincent,

coveted her dominion.

- 300?

God, I hope I look that
good when I'm that old.

- [Morgana] He would have
destroyed you as he did her,

had I not sent you away.

I left you with all the power

you would need to
protect yourself

and entrusted you to
my loyal familiar.

- What's that about a familiar?

- Ah, haven't you ever seen
any old Roger Corman movies?

Every witch has one.

They're like a,

like a pet that can change
into almost anything.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, but it wasn't you
alone that I sought to protect,

it was the book that
contained your mother's magic.

- [Morgana] Our enemy
is a formidable one.

Protect the book, Elvira,

and above all, keep
it from Vincent.

When the moon falls
under the earth's shadow,

remember, you carry
the power with you.

Your loving aunt, Morgana.

- Too macabre.

I mean, like, I knew
I was different,

but I didn't think I was
quite that different.

No wonder Vinny had
such a spaz attack

when I couldn't find the book.

- Yeah, and you heard
what your aunt said,

he can't get his hands on it.

- No way he's getting it now.

And here I am,

knocking myself out to make
a living as a horror hostess,

when I'm actually
descended from, like,

a major metaphysical celebrity.

(pages rustle)

All I have to do is just
find the right spell

and I can make the
money I need for Vegas.

I mean really make the money.

- I don't think you should go
fooling with that book again.

- Wait, wait, look, Bob.

Here it is,

Selzba Riki Moola.

That's exactly what I
need, lots of moolah.

Okay, okay Selzba
Riki Moola Sheen.

- Elvira, I don't think-
- Pasera floctum kezrah flome.

(house rattles)

It's working, Bob!

It's working!

Bob, are you still here?

- [Bob] Right here.

- What is this?

Oh, why, Bob.

You know, Bob, I may be wrong,

but I think that might've
been a love spell.

- [Bob] Really?

- Oh, Bob, Bob. (moans)

(Elvira screams)
(suspenseful music)

Hold me, Bob, hold me.

(lazy brass band music)

- Stand up.

- Chastity, the picnic's
a great success.

- Yes, I think it's something
we can all be proud of me for.

(crowd applauds)

Come and get it!

Now, you children, you're
acting wild animals.

Get to the end of the line.

It all looks so good.

I can't remember when
I've been this hungry.

Ooh, Melody, I see you've
made your famous Tic Tac pie.

- (squeals) Bob,
what are you doing?

You scared the hell out of me.

- What's going on?

- Let's just say I'm
settling the score.

- [Bob] Oh, no.

- Well, it is a potluck,

and believe me, when
they open that pot,

they're going to need all
the luck they can get.

- Oh, I don't believe
I've had any of this.

- Revenge is better
than Christmas.

(dramatic music)

I don't get it, what happened.

- Looks like some
sort of casserole?

Mm, this is marvelous.

I must get this recipe.

- Oh shoot, must
have screwed it up

when I substituted that folemgra

with some Hamburger Helper.

- Oh, yes, thank
you for my drink.

There. (sighs)

(peaceful music)

(Chastity giggles)

I feel a little odd.

Suddenly, it's very warm.

(seductive music)

* I put a spell on you

- Remind you of anything?

- Remind you of anything?

* Oh, I know you, I know

- Give me that, that's mine.

All mine.

(spoon scrapes)

* I'm yours now

* I put a spell on you
- Oh, boy.

Am I a horn dog?

* Because you're mine

- Excuse me, is this face taken.

(Elvira gasps)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Come on, stud, let's boogie.

- Bob!

- Hey, Lesley, let's mambo.

- Charge!

- That's an interesting dish.

Where did you learn
how to make it?

- Oh, it's just an
old family recipe.

- All right, I'll give
you $500 for the book.

- What, do I look like I
just fell off the tuna truck?

The deal's off, Uncle.

- You think you're
pretty clever, don't you?

Well, mark my words.

I'll get you and
your little dog, too.

- Ugh.

- Help.

- No!

Oh, you again.

Do you always wear
the same dress?

- No, sometimes I like to wear
something low-cut and sexy.

- Well, I guess in your
business, it pays to advertise.

(Elvira squeals)

Come here, Bob.

Let me show you how
a real woman does it.

- Excuse me.

(punch thuds)

(Bob laughs)

(striking guitar riff)

- You all saw him.

He attacked me in broad daylight

and he had his way with me.

- Me?

I barely got away with my life.

You could have worn
out a mechanical bull.

- Ooh, you're not gonna
get away with this,

you sex-addled maniac.

I demand that the council
remove this pervert.

- I never laid a hand on
those sheep, so help me.

- Calvin was the one

who was painting everybody
with apple butter.

I was just an
innocent on-licker.

(council argues)

- Silence!

- Don't you see?

You're all playing
right into her hand.

It's Elvira who is
responsible for all this.

- Of course.

I should've known it
was that little harlot.

- We oughta ride her outta
town on a big fat rail.

- She might enjoy that too much.

- There is a more
satisfactory solution.

(ominous music)

We can have her arrested.

- Arrested, on what charges?

- It's so happens that
there is a law on the books

that dates back to
the Salem trials.

It's specifically
forbids, and I quote,

any towns person from practicing

the ancient arts of
spellcasting, demonology,

alchemy, and conjuration.

The charge, my fellow
council members,

is witchcraft.

(can clangs)

- Let me outta here,
let me outta here!

- Pipe down in there.

- Hey, I've seen
"The People's Court".

I'm entitled to one phone
call and a strip search.

- Well, there's the payphone
right across the street.

What's the matter,

you forget where
you put your broom?

- Listen, fatso,
if I had a broom,

I know exactly where I'd put it.

Oh, this is swell.

I can just hear Manny now.

Hello Vegas, we
got a slight crimp

in the plans for the show.

Yeah, the star was
burned at the stake.

- Elvira!

Great news, I got you the
best lawyer in the county.

He'll be here first
thing in the morning.

- Bob, in the morning?

First thing in the morning,

I'll be able to
fit in an ashtray.

You gotta get me outta here.

- But how?

- The book, it's my only chance.

Quick, run of the
house and get it.

- Okay.

- Oh, and Bob, wait!

- What?

- I hid it under the
floorboard in the living room.

- Okay.

- Oh, and Bob!

- What?

- Hurry!

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, move.

Duck down low.

(townspeople chatter)

(saw buzzes)

Now.

(saw buzzes)

What are you whining about?

I'm the one getting barbecued.

(Gonk barks)

(ominous music)

Oh, sorry.

(Gonk growls)

(Bob taps floorboards)

(suspenseful music)

- At last, it's mine.

The power is mine!

(upbeat rock music)

- Come on, don't have
a conniption fit.

Whoa, must have took too
much antacid in the sixties.

- [Townspeople] Two,
four, six, eight,

who do we incinerate?

Elvira, Elvira, Elvira!

(saw buzzes)

- Thank goodness, padre.

- I am here to
save you, my child.

- At last, someone that
can talk some sense

into these people.

- Lord, save this
wretched creature's soul,

even though her creamy, white
flesh will burn and sizzle.

(ceiling clatters)

- Well, isn't that convenient?

- Thanks for trying, you guys.

- [Robin] Elvira!

(upbeat rock music)

- Gonk?

Is that you, boy?

(Gonk barks)

Good work, Gonk.

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch!

- Do you smoke?

- Guess we'll find
out soon enough.

- [Townspeople] Burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch.

- [Chaplain] The flames
that will soon engulf her!

- Oh, no, you're not
gonna believe this.

I left my oven on.

I'll just be a minute.

- [Townspeople] Burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch.

- Any last words?

- Just one, help!

- [Townspeople] Burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch.

- Hold it.

Hold it down.

Quiet, quiet!

And now, by the
power vested in me

by the sovereign state
of Massachusetts,

I do hereby pronounce sentence
on Elvira, the prisoner,

death by fire.

(suspenseful music)

- Hold it, Sheriff.

What you're doing is wrong.

- Patty?

- It'll catch faster if you
light it in several places.

- Patty, no!

- We oughta have one
of these every year.

- Burn in hell, witch!

- Patty!

(townspeople cheer)

- [Townspeople] Burn the
witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the
witch, burn the witch.

- [Elvira] Somebody, help!

- Burn her!

- Bye, kids.

It's been swell.

Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.

- Let me through!

Elvira!

- Hi, Bob.

- Patty, you're not
a very nice person.

- [Townspeople] Burn the
witch, burn the witch!

(Gonk barks)

- Gonk?

- [Morgana] Remember, you
carry the power with you.

- The ring.

(thunder rumbles)

(crowd yells)

- Are you all right?

(romantic music)

- Look, the lunar eclipse.

Remember, your aunt's letter?

When the moon falls
under the earth's shadow.

- Yeah, so?

- Vincent's got the book.

(ominous music)

(thunder rumbles)

- Elvira!

Elvira!

- Oh, you tricky little devil!

- Oh!

Vincent, remember us?

We're on your side.

- Swine.

- Stay back.

(Bob grunts)

- Sick 'im, Gonk!

(Gonk growls)

(Vincent growls)

(Gonk whimpers)

Don't make me use this.

- (laughs) The amulet could
not protect your mother,

and it won't save you.

Kaldozar ipsole.

(bricks shatter)

- Ah, so you want
to play rough, hey?

Well, take this.

What?

(suspenseful music)

- You cannot escape
me, daughter of Devana.

I shall destroy
you as I did her.

(gun cocks)

(sultry guitar riff)

- You looking for me?

(gun fires)

- Did you think you could
stop me with your toys?

- No, but I figured
it'd be worth a shot.

Look!

(Vincent laughs evilly)

(thunder rumbles)

- Cosa terra obtan!

- Sure, that's easy
for you to say.

(shoe whips)

(Vincent groans)

(magic crackles)

(lock shatters)

- That hurts!

(thunder rumbles)

- Now, baby.

Hey, we have a little
unfinished business.

- Yeah, well, I think
we can do business.

Yeah, sure, I can dig it.

I'm cool, bro.

You know what it is?

Where it's at?

- I'll show you where it's at.

(Travis screams)

(wall shatters)
(suspenseful music)

(Vincent yells)

- I am master of the dark!

- And I'll see
you in hell first.

(fire crackles)

(floorboard smacks)

(Vincent groans)

- And now, Elvira, you die.

(Vincent yells)

- [Morgana] Remember, you
carry the power with you.

(somber music)

- So, what did the
insurance guy say?

- My policy doesn't
cover acts of demons.

- Well, at least you
still got the ring.

- Yeah, but the only thing

I can get it to do
anymore is look cheap.

- Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.

I know you had your heart
set on playing Las Vegas.

- I'm just not the kind of
girl whose dreams come true.

I do better on nightmares.

- I wish there was
something I could do.

- Yeah, don't worry
about me, Bob.

I'm like fake fruit, I
don't bruise that easy.

- [Man] There he is, up there.

(townspeople chatter)

- Uh-oh, here comes
the lynch mob.

Hey, take it easy, take
it easy, I'm leaving.

- We don't want you to go.

- This is our way of saying
we were wrong about you

and we're sorry.

- Elvira, you're the best thing

that ever happened to our town.

- You've touched
a part of my son

that nobody's ever
touched before.

- I wish.
(townspeople laugh)

- As long as you're in Fallwell,

you will always have a
free room at the Cozy Cot.

- Now, wait just
a minute, Lesley.

- Shut up, you old bag.

(townspeople laugh)

(horn blows)

- Birds of a feather!

- Well, I finally
got it running.

- Great!

At least now, I'll
have a place to live,

but I still don't know how
I'm gonna pay ya for it.

- Don't worry, we'll
work out something.

- Elvira.

I'm sorry that I set you
on fire and everything,

and I hope there are
no hard feelings.

- Don't worry, she's
bigger than that.

- Yeah, a lot bigger.

- Elvira, I've got
some important papers

that you're gonna have to sign.

With your uncle gone, you're
the only heir to his estate.

- I am?

- Not an inconsiderable
one at that.

- Las Vegas!

- Elvira, that's fantastic.

- Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

The Flamingo Hotel
is proud to present

the Mistress of
the Dark, Elvira.

* I've always dreamed
of doing this *

* And now I've got my chance

* So excuse me while
I indulge myself *

* In a little song and dance

* Well, if you're
looking for trouble *

* Here I am

* And if you wanna see double

* Here I am

* I don't do what
the good girls do *

* Bad dreams really
do come true *

* Here I am

* I'm a bitch in black, so
you'd better stand back *

* You might get motion
sickness or a heart attack *

* I can really rap up with
the swelling in your pocket *

* Make your eyeballs drop
right out of their socket *

* I'm rough, I'm tough,
I'm woman enough *

* So get ready, I'm
gonna do my stuff *

* I can take, I can shake it

* I can cook it, I can bake it

* If I don't have the
recipe, I'll fake it *

* I'm a volcano
that's ready to blow *

* Look out, y'all,
'cause here I go *

(crowd cheers)

(tassel whirs)

(Gonk barks)

(Bob cheers)

For me?

Unpleasant dreams.

(upbeat rock music)

(sniffles) Oh, that
movie gets me every time.

It is just such a
timeless classic,

just like "Wizard of Oz".

And when you think about it,

those two stories
are exactly the same,

minus the flying monkeys.

Innocent girl from out of town

shows up with her
yappy little dog,

makes some likely friends,

triumphs over evil
and twirls tassels.

Oh wait, Dorothy, didn't
twirl tassels, did she?

Well, anyway, remember what
Dorothy said she learned in Oz?

That if she ever went looking
for her heart's desire,

she wouldn't look any further
than her own backyard,

because if it wasn't there, she
never lost it to begin with.

Well watching "Elvira,
Mistress of the Dark" just now,

I had the same sort of epiphany.

You're gonna have to
look that one up, bucko.

And it taught me some
valuable lessons.

I learned that friendship
is like cheese.

The longer it sits around,
the stronger it gets,

and that friends are
like cheap toupees,

you've gotta hang on to
them when things get stormy.

But most of all, I learned
that you can search

and search the wide world
over, but in the end,

your own backyard is

right behind your house.

Okay, darling, stay glued.

There's lots more chills,
spills, and thrills

coming right up on
"Elvira's 40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very
Special Special".

- [Announcer] Coming
up, Elvira checks out

"House on Haunted Hill".

You don't want to miss
it. (laughs evilly)