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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,471
Good morning!
There have been no accidents
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,972
on the post for three months.
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,641
For that, you've earned
a coveted three-day weekend.
4
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,310
(cheering, whooping)
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,544
I can't wait to get in
the woods with my grandma
6
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:11,979
and bow-hunt some possum.
7
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,315
We never hit anything,
but we do have some sweet talks.
8
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,218
I'm going to the best low-budget
spa in Central Florida.
9
00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,852
I have to bring
my own lotion.
10
00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:19,987
Oh, sounds sad.
11
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:20,888
CODY:
Keep in mind,
12
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:21,989
I don't care.
13
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:22,990
As you enjoy
14
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,325
your weekend, drink responsibly
15
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,826
and don't get into fights.
16
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,728
I wish that were the end
of my safety briefing,
17
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,863
but your history
dictates otherwise.
18
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,165
So...
19
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,900
here we go.
20
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,002
Do not start fires.
21
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,737
Do not
touch fires.
22
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,173
Do not do things
fire tells you to do.
23
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,574
(quietly): What if
it's real persuasive?
24
00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:42,042
Do not take in a feral animal
25
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:43,677
and try to raise it
as a house pet.
26
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,246
(whispers):
What if it's real persuasive?
27
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,448
Do not taunt the marsh birds.
28
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,017
Do not defecate
in a library drop box.
29
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,353
Do not get
married on a bet.
30
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,854
Do not convince an old
31
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,190
Jewish couple you are
their grandson Jeffrey.
32
00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:58,025
They said I had
an adorable punim.
33
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,193
And, finally,
34
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,962
food goes in your mouth
35
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,697
and not anywhere else.
36
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:04,265
What about...
37
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,367
Not anywhere else.
38
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,935
(groaning)
39
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,804
CODY:
The Army is filled with troops
on heroic missions,
40
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,973
and then there's us.
41
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,109
We take care of things at
home.
42
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,245
We are the Rear Detachment.
43
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,913
Yes, we're soldiers.
44
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,921
So really?
45
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,890
A whole three-day weekend,
and you're wasting it
46
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,259
doing fake Ranger training?
47
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,060
Pre-Ranger training. It's "pre."
48
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,562
No more P's until you swallow.
49
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,464
We got to pack on the calories
because Ranger training
50
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:39,567
means minimal food, water and
sleep, and maximum realization
51
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,602
of our full potential
as badass soldiers
52
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,137
in the U.S. Army.
53
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:44,305
Pass the Splenda?
54
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,906
Of course,
I'm already a Ranger, but...
55
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:46,907
I promised I'd show
this little guy
56
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,075
how to follow in my footsteps.
57
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,410
Maybe even pass you, Pete.
58
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,078
Then it's you
in the footsteps I made.
59
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,314
Is that a challenge?
'Cause it's not much
of a sentence.
60
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,548
(silverware clangs)
61
00:01:55,483 --> 00:01:57,451
Milk race, go.
62
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,791
I win.
63
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,759
Oh, how I have not missed this.
64
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,262
Ha! I have more
chicken pox. I win.
65
00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:09,763
(crying)
66
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,465
Idiots.
67
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:14,435
(with mouth full):
I win!
68
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,103
(crying)
69
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,838
Idiots.
70
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,106
Rip some hair out.
71
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,974
First to make
a noise loses.
72
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,010
Go!
73
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,780
(crashing)
74
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,782
You made a noise. I win.
75
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,284
(Randy crying)
76
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,785
Idiots.
77
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,121
He makes you cry every time.
Why do you keep doing it?
78
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,790
Because one day I'll beat Pete
and then he'll cry.
79
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,659
That's not gonna happen.
And I'll probably cry.
80
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,294
There'll be a period
of disillusionment.
81
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,795
I may grow a beard.
Well,
82
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,298
while you're eating twigs and
urinating outdoors like animals,
83
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,966
I'll be hanging
with my girlfriend this weekend,
84
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,302
indoors, like a human.
(spits)
85
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,003
Eat the twigs?
Who eats the twigs? Come on.
86
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,639
It's a twig.
Yeah. Come on, Derrick.
87
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,641
You don't eat the twigs.
You're better than that.
88
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,509
You chew on them
to stave off the hunger.
Hey, by the way,
89
00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,811
how's it going with Erin
now that her ex-husband's back?
90
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,480
You know, we've all settled in
91
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,149
to a surprisingly workable
domestic arrangement.
92
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,651
Toilet's fixed.
93
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,319
Pipes are fixed.
94
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,887
Sprinkler's fixed.
95
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,322
Oh, thanks, Brandon.
96
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,924
Oh, and I, uh, made
too much jambalaya so...
97
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,393
I brought some over.
98
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,027
Oh, dinner's fixed!
99
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,429
He just loves doing stuff
around the house.
100
00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,830
It's like I have my own butler.
101
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,499
Sounds like Erin has
a very special man in her life.
102
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,833
Yeah, and also you.
103
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,702
What? No, I get to do
all the fun boyfriend stuff
104
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,003
like watch movies,
105
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,405
and Brandon just does
all the work.
106
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,607
Who do you think means more
to Erin at the end of the day?
107
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,509
Her film club buddy
or the male model
108
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,344
who does literally
everything else?
109
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,912
Sounds like the second guy
has the edge up.
110
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:32,713
Feels like he's got the edge.
111
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:33,514
Feeling like he does.
112
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,515
Hey!
113
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,449
Oh!
114
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:36,550
Come on, man!
115
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,185
Come on! All right, first one
116
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,720
to finish their lap pasta wins.
Ready? Go!
117
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:47,027
(grunts)
118
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,028
Check me out, brother.
119
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,697
I'm in a deeper lunge than you.
120
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,031
How 'bout now?
(shouts)
121
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,600
I win.
(crying)
122
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,034
Damn it!
CODY:
All right.
123
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,869
What do you say we go out there
and have some fun?
124
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:56,737
Hooah!
Let's do it!
125
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,438
Gotcha.
126
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,572
This will not be fun.
127
00:03:58,606 --> 00:03:59,707
Ranger training is hell on earth
128
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,375
and can only be enjoyed
in retrospect.
129
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,377
Like... Cuban food.
130
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,879
I don't care how hard it is.
I will not quit, Sergeant Major!
131
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,114
Ideally, you will.
132
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:09,450
I have a DVR stacked
with Restaurant: Impossible.
133
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,385
Ooh, yeah, that's good.
But until you quit,
134
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,053
you will be pushed
to your absolute limits.
135
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,221
And then
136
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,589
you have to get over this.
137
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,959
We call it the Devastator.
138
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,928
Just look like
monkey bars.
139
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,596
After two days
with no food, no sleep
140
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:24,264
and 70 pounds on your back,
141
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:26,767
those bars will make a monkey
out of you.
142
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,069
Ready to dominate,
Sergeant Major.
143
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,771
Oh, hey, Sergeant Perez.
Did you come to wish us luck
144
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:31,772
at Ranger training?
145
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,240
No, dummy.
146
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,009
The Army's accepting female
Ranger candidates by 2016,
147
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,679
and I plan to be the first woman
on the bus to Fort Benning.
148
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:42,149
Blazing a trail for all annoying
people regardless of gender.
149
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,518
Aw, cranky old Grandpa Ranger's
giving me the business.
150
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:45,753
Zip it.
151
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,588
In Ranger training,
we support each other.
152
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:51,258
Unless you all quit,
and then I'm watching my shows.
153
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,593
Okay, Sergeant Perez is here.
154
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,429
Jill... Perez.
155
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,097
The woman. Chica.
156
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,766
But she's not just a woman.
157
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,334
A woman.
That's not all
158
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,102
any of us are in this world.
159
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,471
The World Is Not Enough.
160
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,972
You Only Live Twice.
161
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,273
When does the nonsense stop?
162
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,808
Quantum of Solace!
163
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,276
CODY: What the hell's
that all about?
164
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,177
Randy, what are you doing?
165
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,479
Getting a head start!
166
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,549
SAM:
Mommy.
167
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,620
The kitchen sink
is backed up again.
168
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,822
There's water everywhere.
169
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,123
I'll call your dad.
170
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,125
Or... I-I could
take a look at it.
171
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,295
Oh. Do you...
do things like that?
172
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,464
Unclogging things
is kind of my specialty.
173
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,666
Really? Uh-huh.
It's a weird
specialty.
174
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,535
Don't ask too many questions,
okay? Just let me do this.
175
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:35,636
Knock yourself out.
176
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,538
I probably will.
177
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:43,477
(disposal whirring)
178
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:44,945
(spits)
179
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:50,117
Come on!
180
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,754
(disposal whirring)
181
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,523
Ow.
182
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:00,027
(Brandon sighs)
183
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,495
Hey, buddy, tag me in.
184
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,163
Brandon came by
to drop off
185
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,399
some chili, so I figured
maybe he could...
186
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,667
Yeah, that's great.
187
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,868
Thanks for coming.
188
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,703
You know, this is
just his thing.
189
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,406
Yeah. Shouldn't take
too long at all.
190
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,841
All right.
191
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,043
I don't see
why that's necessary.
192
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,515
Buddy, it's a marathon,
not a sprint. Slow down.
193
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:22,950
Just trying
to stay ahead of Jill.
194
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,785
Is that why you freaked out
back there?
195
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,720
'Cause women are
gonna be Rangers.
196
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,722
As annoying as Jill is,
we got to put up with her.
197
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:31,191
What if I want to put up with
her for the rest of my life?
198
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,060
Hold on. What?
199
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,695
Pete,
200
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,229
I'm in love with Jill.
201
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,599
(laughing)
202
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,601
Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
203
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,869
You're dehydrated.
204
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,704
Just sit down, put your head
between your knees,
205
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,038
I'll get you a shiny blanket.
206
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,607
Are you dismissing my emotions?
207
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,275
No, no, no. Yeah, definitely.
208
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,877
Those are stupid emotions.
209
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,912
Remember when I helped Jill
impress General Murray?
210
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,213
Yeah.
Afterwards, we had
211
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,215
this moment that the angels
are still talking about
212
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,917
at the watercoolers in Heaven.
213
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,619
Thank you so much
for your help, Private.
214
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,388
Of course, any... time.
215
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,290
Oh, no.
216
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:04,625
And?
217
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,727
And now I don't know how to act
in front of her,
218
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,095
and so I have to keep running.
219
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:10,397
Anaranjado.
220
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,499
Keep up, losers!
221
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,833
Cody said we got to
support each other,
222
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,101
but it's gonna be real hard
223
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,402
when you're so far
behind me!
224
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,403
Ha, ha, ha!
225
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,105
Ha, ha, ha! 'Kay!
226
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,940
You're right!
We are losers! Good-bye!
227
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,108
(sputters)
228
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,443
So stupid, man. See?
She got me flustered.
229
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,312
I alw... I-I didn't have
a witty comeback.
230
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:26,747
I always have a witty comeback.
231
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,948
You never have a witty comeback.
232
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,917
My pulse is racing,
I'm sweating profusely
233
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,418
and I feel really sick
to my stomach.
234
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,953
You're running
in Florida
235
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,755
an hour after you
ate 37 waffles.
236
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,124
Competing theory.
This isn't real, Randy.
237
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,959
Listen to your big brother.
It's all in your head.
238
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,127
It'll pass.
239
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,929
Maybe I am just confused.
240
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,430
Like when I ate
that Japanese candy
241
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,865
that turned out
to be hotel soap.
242
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,767
It's exactly
like that. Yeah.
Yeah.
243
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,103
I guess I just liked her 'cause
she seems so perfect for you.
244
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,439
You do always like
girls I like, but Jill?
245
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,307
What, you don't
think she's pretty?
She's pretty.
246
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,710
You don't think she's smart?
Probably smarter than me.
247
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,145
Plus, she gives
as good as she gets.
248
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,547
She doesn't let you
get away with anything,
249
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,314
which is tough to take
but exactly what you need.
250
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:02,783
And she's
a badass soldier.
251
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,518
Then she takes off
her helmet,
252
00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,620
and her strawberry-scented hair
comes tumbling down
253
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,822
and you realize
she's all woman.
254
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,123
What more could
a man want?
255
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,626
What more could a man
possibly ask for?
256
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:14,461
Pete?
257
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,263
You look dehydrated.
258
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,633
GUMBLE: Okay, Derrick,
what's with the emergency text?
259
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,134
Yeah, man, we were in the
middle of a drum circle.
260
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,403
Yes, I'm sorry I interrupted
all of your awesome
261
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,805
weekend plans,
but my relationship is doomed
262
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,306
unless you stay here
and help me.
263
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,475
I already doused myself
in possum urine, bro.
I know.
264
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,310
We all know.
Yeah, it's really potent.
265
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,979
Actually an improvement.
266
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,815
Guys, I'm just afraid Erin will
go back with her ex-husband
267
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,684
because he's "more of a man"
than me.
268
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,318
That is completely
understandable.
269
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,487
That guy's hot.
Yeah, I'd go back
to him in a heartbeat.
270
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,488
Why is she even with you?
271
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:45,425
I need you to help me...
272
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,994
be a man.
273
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,029
Huh.
274
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,565
Do you need a male
enhancement product?
275
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,200
Legal or otherwise?
276
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,168
No. No, I need skills--
277
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,436
plumbing, car repairs,
278
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,105
making a meal that doesn't come
out of a freezer.
279
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,406
These are skills
the Army teaches,
280
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,341
things I could have learned,
but just chose not to.
281
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,110
Say it on the djembe.
282
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,278
That's why I'm coming to you,
because you're not just
283
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,281
Rear D soldiers, you're...
284
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,217
superheroes.
285
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,585
(gasps)
Oh.
286
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:12,720
I like that.
287
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,022
Private Ruiz,
288
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,356
he can diagnose
289
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,259
any plumbing problem just
by the sound of the pipes.
290
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,295
(whispers):
They tell me their secrets.
291
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,697
Private Park can
shape a topiary cow
292
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:26,767
so realistic you could
sell it as beef.
293
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:31,872
I have small hands
and terrifying dreams.
294
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,540
Private Gumble's work
in the chow hall
295
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,276
has made him into
a world-class chef.
296
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:38,311
The plate is my canvas.
297
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,413
MSG, my paint.
298
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,050
And finally, Private Dobkiss.
299
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,853
In the motor pool, he's known
as the master mechanic.
300
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,891
I can get you boner pills.
301
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,293
Seriously.
Glad you're
all on board.
302
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,561
Now, tomorrow...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
303
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,629
What's in it for us?
304
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:56,730
(chuckles)
305
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,098
What could you possibly mean?
I mean...
306
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,667
Superheroes don't ask
"what's in it" for them,
307
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,802
They do what's best for
their fellow man out of
308
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,570
the goodness
of their own hearts...
(all grumbling)
309
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:04,404
Okay, I'll pay you!
310
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,173
Yeah!
311
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,107
(others singing gibberish)
312
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,575
No, seriously,
313
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,710
when can I expect payment?
314
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,647
(grunting)
315
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,252
Day two's gonna be
a lot harder than day one.
316
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:20,921
(grunts)
317
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,756
(panting)
318
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,991
Time!
319
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:25,192
You all qualified.
320
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,426
Yes!
321
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,761
Great for you, but
I'm missing my shows.
322
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,931
Nobody ever thinks about
what Cody wants.
323
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,800
I want this so bad
I can taste it.
324
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,135
Mm. I can also taste
a little bit of mud.
325
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,675
(heavenly music playing)
326
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,450
You all right, Pete?
Huh?
327
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,119
You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
328
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,286
(Perez whoops)
329
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,488
I smell like a bag
of hot garbage. (sniffs)
330
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,492
(heavenly music playing)
331
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,501
(giggling)
332
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,502
(whispers):
What is happening?
333
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,872
What is happening?
334
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,210
In a world torn apart
by madness,
335
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,479
a charismatic leader
has gathered the world's
336
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,548
greatest heroes
to save a relationship
337
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:22,816
from certain doom.
338
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:23,817
Where's our money?
339
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:24,918
You get paid at the end.
340
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:25,986
Now, we've got three hours
341
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:26,987
before Erin comes home.
342
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,722
Soldier-heroes,
343
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:31,691
let justice be your compass.
344
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,526
Ho-ho, I was excited
until just now.
345
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,095
Worst catchphrase in history.
346
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,663
Go!
347
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:37,697
(growls)
348
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:47,040
(yells)
349
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,110
Ah, just as I suspected.
350
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,347
Someone flushed plastic
Army men down the toilet.
351
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,515
(exhales)
352
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,050
Case closed.
353
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,387
(yells)
354
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:05,125
(rapid snipping)
355
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,932
A surgeon cuts to heal.
356
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,234
Shing!
357
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,903
(imitates whistling blade)
358
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:17,237
(makes explosion sound)
359
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,438
Food.
360
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,974
(chopping)
361
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:25,378
Whoops.
362
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,414
I had it upside down.
363
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,885
Erin's brake lines have been
cut, just like you wanted.
364
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,253
Wait, what?
That's not what I...
365
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,554
I'm just
kidding, dawg.
366
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,289
That's for the end
of the relationship.
367
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,557
She's all tuned up.
368
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,059
Well, I like the cape.
369
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,427
I'm a soldier-hero, dawg.
370
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,661
Away!
371
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,765
Okay, she's gonna be here soon;
let's wrap it up!
372
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,570
I actually... I just have
a few plating instructions.
373
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,571
No, go.
You see, we eat first
374
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,106
with our eyes, which is...
375
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,475
Okay, just promise me
you'll hand-tear the cilantro...
376
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,476
(grunts)
377
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:57,911
For the love of God...
378
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,779
ERIN:
I'm home.
In the kitchen.
379
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,952
Wow.
380
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,955
Oh, this? Yeah.
381
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,990
(both grunting)
382
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:15,495
(bell clangs)
383
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,965
(grunting)
384
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,268
(clangs)
385
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,270
(both exhale)
386
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,804
You all right, Pete?
387
00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:27,107
Yeah, yeah. I just forgot
how hard this is.
388
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,876
No, I mean, back
at the worm pit,
389
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,878
you seemed a
little... weird.
390
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:31,912
No, I'm fine.
391
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,414
Are you sure?
392
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,855
All right.
393
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,457
Okay, I've been thinking
about what you said about Jill.
394
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,493
I can't believe I'm actually
gonna say this, but...
395
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,161
I think I might be into her.
396
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,331
(shouts)
Oh!
397
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,334
You hit Pete!
And you let him do it!
398
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,169
What the hell, Randy?!
399
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:59,973
I'm so sorry! And I'm
mad and in love and sad!
400
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,808
I'm all the feelings
except happy!
401
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,343
I cannot believe
that you just hit me!
402
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:05,678
I can't believe you
told me not to like Jill
403
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,180
because you like her!
404
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,681
That is not what happened!
Oh...
405
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,918
She wasn't even on my radar
until you laid out a case
406
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,252
of why we're perfect
for each other.
407
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,987
Why am I so persuasive?!
408
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,323
Calm down, Randy.
Not until you back off.
409
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,591
Well, I don't think I can now!
She blew snot on the ground,
410
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:19,993
and it gave me the feelings!
411
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:23,196
Then I guess this competition
just got competitive.
412
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,031
Oh, it did!
413
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,032
But this time,
414
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,333
I'm not gonna cry!
415
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,834
You are crying right now!
416
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,669
You're crying right now!
417
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,604
(high-pitched sobbing)
418
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,841
He is not good at comebacks.
419
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,011
Well, that was amazing.
With the cilantro?
420
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:41,949
Hand-torn because you eat
with your eyes first.
421
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,616
Hey, what do we say, Sam?
422
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,185
Thank you.
423
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,786
You're welcome, buddy.
424
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,856
And thanks for doing...
425
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,192
I don't know, everything else.
426
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,793
I feel like
the queen
427
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:56,696
of this run-down tract home.
428
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,532
Good.
429
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,469
(rumbling, rattling)
430
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,971
Sounds like
431
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,238
the washer again.
432
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,573
Brandon just fixed that.
433
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:07,807
Seriously?
434
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,709
You know this house
is a piece of junk, right?
435
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,979
(grunting)
436
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:15,882
All right, you've been at it
for two days.
437
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,584
You're hot,
438
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,885
stanky,
439
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,054
and it's time
for hand-to-hand combat.
440
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,090
Take your opponent
to the ground!
441
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:23,991
Hooah.
442
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,325
Hooah.
443
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,160
The winner carries the
loser around the pit
444
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:30,663
as a symbol of our duty never
to leave a Ranger behind.
445
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,065
RANDY:
You hear that, Pete?
446
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:33,900
Try not to get carried away.
447
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,069
That one actually works.
What works?
448
00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,671
Ready? Full speed. Execute!
449
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:40,940
(grunting)
450
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,613
Oh!
Oh, my God!
451
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,616
I won! The first time I won!
I am immortal!
452
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,251
You didn't win anything.
I'm not all the way down!
453
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,685
(high-pitched yell)
CODY: Okay, soldier.
454
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,621
Carry the loser
around the pit.
455
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,956
(grunting)
456
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,758
What are you doing, Pete?
Sergeant Hill,
what are you doing?
457
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,593
Winning as I'm accustomed to.
458
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,130
Just shut up and
let me carry you.
No!
459
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,098
Let me carry you!
No, I'll never
let you carry me.
460
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,467
I will carry you!
(grunting)
461
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,768
I'm carrying you.
I've got you.
462
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:09,769
I got you first.
Nut slam!
463
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,204
Ow! Ooh!
464
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:14,107
(groaning)
465
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,043
God, it's cold!
Oh, God!
466
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,311
What the hell?!
467
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,712
I'm still carrying you.
468
00:16:21,248 --> 00:16:24,151
ERIN: So, what are you
gonna make tomorrow night?
469
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,557
Hey, buddy. What you
doing with the washer?
470
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:31,824
Nothing.
471
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,636
Sam, have you been
breaking stuff
472
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,339
around the house so your
dad will come and fix it?
473
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,175
Maybe.
474
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,779
(sighs)
475
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,351
I totally get that.
476
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,358
So let me get this straight.
477
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,693
Sergeant Perez blows some snot
on the ground,
478
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,361
and you two bozos think
you're falling in love with her?
479
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:10,597
I liked her first.
He sold me on a vision!
480
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,665
You tricked me into...
You told me she was...
481
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,668
Oh, hell! Stop. Ooh.
Okay, all right, I hate her.
482
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,670
You two are so far out of line,
I don't know where to start!
483
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,172
If you pulled this
crap in the field,
484
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,340
someone could
get hurt.
485
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,542
Or worse!
Do you hear me?
486
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:24,677
Do you hear me?!
487
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:25,878
BOTH:
Yes, Sergeant Major.
488
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,014
And these so-called
feelings you're having?
489
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,349
Garbage!
490
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,883
Romance has no place here!
491
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,719
You're soldiers!
She's a soldier!
492
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,721
That's it.
Anything else
493
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:35,888
makes a complete mockery
494
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,557
of everything
the Rangers stand for!
495
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:39,959
I should throw you both
out on your ass!
496
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,561
You're right,
Sergeant Major.
497
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,530
Sorry, Sergeant Major.
498
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,399
While you've been working out
your Jane Austen nonsense,
499
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,101
you've completely overlooked
500
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,969
that you're leaving
a fellow soldier behind.
501
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,304
(Perez groaning)
502
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,573
Damn it!
503
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:57,877
On the upside, it turns out
your house isn't cursed.
504
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:58,711
Wow.
505
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,547
Yeah. I'm sorry.
506
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,049
I need to make sure
he sees his dad more.
507
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,984
It's just, Brandon's
been away for so long,
508
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,387
Sam gets nervous about
when he's gonna see him again.
509
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,557
No. Obviously, it's best
if I stop fixing things.
510
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,392
And cooking things.
511
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,262
But thank you
for all that you did.
512
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,503
Oh, by the way,
Dobkiss left his wallet,
513
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,439
a crossbow and a vial
of boner pills in my car.
514
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,147
Come on, you got this!
515
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,082
You can do this,
Sergeant Perez!
516
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,451
Come on, don't give up.
You got this.
517
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,586
Come on, you got this!
518
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,521
Damn!
Come on!
Come on!
519
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,756
(grunts)
I can't do it!
520
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,091
Come on, yes,
you can.
I'm done.
521
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,759
Let's go.
Let's go.
Stop it!
522
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,928
I know I talk a lot
of crap, but I think
523
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,830
it's time to admit
that I just...
524
00:18:50,863 --> 00:18:54,033
I can't hack it.
525
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,602
(sighs)
526
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:58,605
Hey.
527
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,307
Somebody's gonna be
the first female Ranger.
528
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,941
That's right.
529
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,476
She's either
out there somewhere,
530
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,145
or she's right here
in front of us.
531
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,717
Hooah.
532
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,987
We're right here with you,
Sergeant Perez!
533
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,223
Let's go. You got this.
534
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,160
(grunting)
535
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,964
(grunting continues)
536
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,633
Don't give up, soldier!
Let's go!
537
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:27,500
Come on, soldier.
538
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,405
(grunting)
539
00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:33,306
Almost there!
Just reach out.
540
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,106
One more!
541
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,616
(bell clangs)
542
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,420
Yes!
Yes!
543
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,522
Congratulations,
Sergeant Perez!
Yeah!
544
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,824
I love you guys!
545
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,493
(panting)
546
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,827
It's no big deal, bro.
547
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:55,862
Good job, dude.
548
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,366
(grunting)
549
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:06,105
As you can see, the future
of the Rangers lies with you.
550
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,508
(high-pitched scream)
551
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,009
DERRICK:
When did you know?
552
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,278
Oh, right away.
553
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,513
Right.
I was getting
fancy desserts,
554
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,847
and my toilet was flushing.
555
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:16,849
Figured I'd ride that
train as long as I could.
556
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,051
Great.
So, um...
557
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:21,187
need to bring up
something uncomfortable.
558
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,055
Let me guess. You want me
to bounce these guys?
559
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,524
I love you, brother.
560
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,858
I love you, brother.
561
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,260
And I respect you.
562
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,695
I respect you, too.
563
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,863
I beat you.
That's where we're
gonna part ways.
564
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,533
My shoulder was not down.
565
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:34,967
Arm wrestle settles it.
566
00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:37,370
Bring it!
567
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,606
(glass breaking)
568
00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:41,574
Idiots.
569
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:45,378
So, Brandon called, and
he's being transferred.
570
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,913
Oh.
571
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:49,148
To Fort Lewis.
572
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:53,386
That's in Washington... state.
573
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,921
(chuckles)
574
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:57,824
It's literally the furthest
diagonal from here.
575
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,592
I really like you, Derrick,
576
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:01,894
but you'd be the only
thing keeping me here.
577
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,730
I can bartend anywhere.
578
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,998
And Sam and his dad...
579
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,502
I don't know what to do.
580
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,940
Uh... yeah, you do.
581
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,408
It's-it's okay.
582
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:17,744
It's okay.
583
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:20,613
Don't look at them.
584
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,782
Don't look at them.
585
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,353
Just us?
586
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,659
It's just us.
40251
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