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1
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,873
PETE:
Fall in!
2
00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,408
At ease.
3
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:08,409
At ease.
4
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:09,810
You do not need to repeat
5
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,079
my commands, Private.
6
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,380
I know, Sergeant.
Just a backup thing,
7
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,981
in case someone
didn't hear.
8
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,983
He's four inches away.
How far away
is your mind?
9
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,651
Sorry, Sergeant Hill.
How are you gonna
test our valor today?
10
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,320
Are we going to mow
a lawn, perhaps?
11
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,688
Move a couch?
12
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,256
What if I told you we
are assembling a weapon
13
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:23,757
to take on
an aerial threat?
14
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:24,925
I would not
believe you.
15
00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:26,227
Nor should you.
Mmm.
(grunts)
16
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:27,495
Because we are
building a scarecrow
17
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,662
to keep seagulls
out of the Dumpsters.
18
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:29,930
How is this my job now?
19
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,165
Can't we just
close the lids?
20
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,533
That's not gonna
work, Sergeant Hill.
21
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:35,002
Those gulls are
really terrifying.
22
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,370
I heard they
stole a baby.
23
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:37,871
Raised it as
one of their own.
24
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,707
Taught that little baby
the ways of the gull:
25
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,376
culture,
customs, art.
That is garbage.
26
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,378
And you get to decide
whose culture is valid?
27
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,414
PEREZ:
Sergeant Hill!
28
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,748
Sergeant Major wants us
in his office ASAP.
29
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,250
Up.
30
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:50,884
Down. Up.
31
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:51,952
Down.
You know what?
32
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,087
Up.
Drop and give me 20.
33
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:54,222
Count 'em out.
34
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,290
Way too excited
in three, two...
35
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,291
20 pushups!
36
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,292
Move!
37
00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,693
Legs out, abs tight
38
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,028
so as to more seriously engage
your core!
39
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,796
Just shut up and
count 'em out!
40
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,898
RANDY: Begin!
How did you get all
the good soldiers?
41
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:07,135
It's not the soldiers.
It's the leader.
(laughs)
42
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,270
You know, I was watching
you hold formation.
Oh, yeah?
43
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:10,304
Mm-hmm.
How'd I look?
44
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:11,439
From this side,
45
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:12,873
I usually get
"battle strong,"
46
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,941
but by the time they
get over to this side,
47
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,209
they want to know
how I look in a tux.
48
00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:16,710
Hint: fantastic.
49
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,045
You might want to try an
approach that works for me,
50
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,447
called "giving a crap."
51
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,249
You're giving me
leadership advice?
Mm-hmm.
52
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,251
I have leadership medals,
leadership plaques.
53
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,253
There was a pack
of wild dogs in Kabul
54
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,454
that only
answered to me.
55
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:27,555
Oh.
I would hate
56
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:28,722
to be you right now,
57
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,623
with the shame you
must be feeling.
58
00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:30,891
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
59
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,794
...two, three...
Derrick, stop texting!
60
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:34,795
And, Chubowski,
61
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:35,963
wake up!
62
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,231
I'm good.
63
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,267
CODY:
The Army is filled with troops
64
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,834
on heroic missions,
65
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,403
and then there's us.
66
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,772
We take care of things at home.
67
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,940
We are the Rear Detachment.
68
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,210
Yes, we're soldiers.
69
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,433
Now, we have one of our
70
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,802
most important missions
this Saturday:
71
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,136
The Seacord Town Parade.
72
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,271
Oh, my God!
73
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:18,138
Is it already time
for the parade?
74
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,707
Seriously?
Shut up.
75
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,876
Parades are a crucial
Rear D activity.
76
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,513
When our families see
a well-trained platoon march by,
77
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,114
it reminds them of
their soldiers overseas
78
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,616
and it fills them with pride.
79
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,717
PETE:
Wow.
80
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,018
We get to do that?
Jill does.
81
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,120
You sweep up.
Wait, what?
82
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:34,722
Your unit's on cleanup detail.
83
00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:35,889
Sweeping trash,
84
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,558
shoveling excrement
and whatnot.
85
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,859
You gotta be kidding me.
Did I mention there were horses?
86
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:40,661
That's where most of
the excrement comes from.
87
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,297
Most of it? Why can't
my platoon march,
88
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,032
and hers shovel
"excrement and whatnot"?
89
00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:46,667
Your platoon, march?
Yeah.
90
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,135
Oh, what a joke.
(laughs)
91
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,304
(laughs)
Good one, Sergeant Major.
92
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:51,905
He didn't actually make a joke.
Stop sucking up.
93
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,541
Suck up all you want.
It's my honor, Sergeant Major.
94
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,042
Come on.
Anyway...
95
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:56,677
I have bigger problems
than the both of you.
96
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:03,083
Your rag-tag glee club
is going to nationals?
97
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,418
These are
the Shifflet brothers.
98
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:05,486
Their parents
own a barbecue
99
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,054
restaurant off of Route 301.
100
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,256
These hickory-smoked hellions
101
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,590
ruined last year's parade.
102
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,492
Threw firecrackers
to scare the horses.
103
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,160
Egged poor
Junior Miss Seacord.
104
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,595
Her mama made that dress!
105
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,430
Apple-cheeked monsters
with a taste for chaos
106
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:18,232
and nothing to lose.
107
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,500
They look adorable.
108
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,869
Oh, then you're already dead.
109
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,705
And I was like,
"You can call me
110
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,440
'the fat Lisa Bonet'
any time you want."
111
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:27,708
All right, everybody, stop what
you're doing and circle up.
112
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,109
Well, we weren't doing anything
113
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,411
and we're already in a circle,
but... whatever.
114
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,745
Guys, we got
a big problem.
115
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,180
For this parade
that's coming up,
116
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,683
Cody's got us on freaking
cleanup detail.
117
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,950
(all cheering)
118
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,352
Awesome.
119
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,453
(cheering, whooping)
Are you kidding me?
120
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,554
Booyah!
121
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,022
Score!
PETE:
Wait a second.
122
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,357
How is that good news?
123
00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:45,125
Why would it
be bad news?
You go first.
124
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,427
Well, parades suck.
125
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:47,761
Parades mean marching,
126
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:49,029
which means
marching practice all day
127
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,298
in the hot
Florida sun.
Mm-hmm.
128
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,932
It's way better
to be on doody duty.
(snorts)
129
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,934
It has a nickname?
Yes, it does.
130
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,469
And it makes Randy
laugh every time.
131
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,271
Doody duty.
(laughs)
132
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,972
Please stop.
I'm trying so hard.
133
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,441
DERRICK:
Even though it is
humiliating, it's really
134
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,875
just a day off-- we
just have to show up
135
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,277
at the parade for
like an hour or two.
136
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,378
Yeah, to shovel poo.
137
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,746
You get to keep what you find.
138
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,715
This detail is rich in treasure.
139
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,082
It's poo.
140
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,484
And whatnot.
141
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:11,785
I straight-up
found a finger.
142
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,887
I found a man-sized bird cage.
143
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,122
He trapped me in it.
144
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,790
We're soldiers!
We're not garbagemen.
145
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,026
Don't you want to do something
that inspires people?
146
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,261
Absolutely not.
No.
147
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:23,163
Nope.
Nope.
No.
148
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:24,332
I got a lot of weight
on my chest.
149
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,833
Hey, guys, this is ridiculous.
150
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,000
RANDY:
Sergeant Hill,
151
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,068
I swear you're
gonna love this.
152
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,269
Last year, Tanisha and I
153
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,338
came up with this whole routine.
154
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:31,672
It's a dance
piece, boo-boo.
155
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:32,840
Routines are for
circus clowns.
156
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,508
Five, six,
seven, eight.
157
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,477
(mumbling)
158
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,682
And go over here
and white boy can dance.
159
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,617
(whoops)
160
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,119
People were
laughing so hard.
Yeah, they were laughing at you.
161
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,621
If they're not laughing at you,
they're laughing with you.
162
00:04:47,655 --> 00:04:49,156
That doesn't mean
anything at all.
163
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,257
DERRICK:
Oh, Randy, you
forgot the best part.
164
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,992
We get to wear
special uniforms.
165
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,329
(Randy laughing)
166
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,366
Damn! I can't
even read it.
167
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,371
PEREZ (chanting):
Left. Left. Left.
168
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,705
Left, right, left.
169
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,807
* Turn to the left
170
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,208
* And hold up your hand
171
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:10,177
* Everybody wave
to the jealous man. *
172
00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,313
Shut up, stupid perfect platoon.
173
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,715
CODY:
They look nice,
don't they?
174
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,517
Ah! Where did
you come from?
175
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,119
Best part about
only having one foot?
176
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,854
You only hear half of me coming.
177
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,055
Now, follow me.
178
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,893
Taking us out to lunch,
Sergeant Major?
179
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:28,161
I'm having a sit-down with
the Shifflets on their turf.
180
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,497
You two are just here
for backup.
181
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,365
They're kids.
CODY:
I'm sorry.
182
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:32,966
What's that magic
land you live in
183
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,001
where kids aren't dicks?
184
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,335
Now, look,
this parade has got
185
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:36,870
to go off without a hitch.
186
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,906
We're gonna go in there
and do some old-fashioned
187
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,574
Rear D community outreach.
188
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:42,910
There they are.
189
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,478
Kenny, Denny and Dylan.
190
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,747
Uh, let me just go
over my talking points.
191
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,316
I've dealt with Afghani
warlords, okay?
192
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,118
I think I can handle this.
193
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,588
What's up? I'm Sergeant Hill.
194
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,156
Stop.
195
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,558
(shutters clicking)
Stop that. Fellas.
Knock it off.
196
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,727
Okay, anyway, my intel
tells me you're planning
197
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,362
on disrupting the parade
this year. I'm here to stop you.
198
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,231
How you gonna do that
if you're a kitty cat?
199
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,198
(meows)
200
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,734
That's very funny.
201
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,936
It's a... it's a...
it's a great app, actually.
202
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,104
Yeah. Who's Junior
Miss Seacord this year?
203
00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,373
'Cause we spent the last
month filling water balloons
204
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,543
(whispers):
with not water.
205
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,344
He means pee.
So much pee.
206
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,046
You leave
that little angel alone.
No.
207
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,181
Listen, fellas...
Hey, guys.
208
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,215
I'm Jill.
209
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,183
You're hot.
210
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,284
Yes, I am.
211
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,786
And you know
what else is hot?
212
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,388
The new barbecue place
across town, Grubby's.
213
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,624
Grubby's sucks!
I hate Grubby's!
214
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,059
You're so hot.
215
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,027
I don't know.
I mean, Grubby's has been taking
216
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,429
a lot of business from you guys.
217
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:36,797
They have
those new fried pickles.
218
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,798
That doesn't count!
219
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:38,932
Pickles are
just a side!
220
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,300
Can I touch
your hair?
221
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,135
This year,
instead of wrecking the parade,
222
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:45,105
why don't you use it
to remind people that Shifflet's
223
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:46,607
has the best barbecue
in town.
224
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,942
I'm thinking a big float
with "Shifflet's"
225
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,644
painted
across the side. Or...
226
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,379
we could offer it to Grubby's.
227
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,048
What are you dummies
waiting for?!
228
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,784
Go make a float!
229
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,152
Come on! Get out! Go!
230
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,454
Hmm.
231
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,322
Sergeant Perez wins again.
232
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,826
Stick to doody duty,
Sergeant Kitty Cat.
233
00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,828
Yeah.
234
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:11,231
DOBKISS:
Listen up!
Karaoke night going old-school!
235
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,600
* Turkey in the straw
236
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,267
OTHERS:
Hey! Ho!
* Turkey in the hay
237
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,003
* Turkey in the straw
Hey!
238
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,437
* Turkey in the hay
Ho!
239
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,339
* Roll 'em up
and twist 'em up *
Ho!
240
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:20,440
* A high tuc-ka-haw.
241
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:21,675
Ho! Ho!
PETE:
Ho.
242
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:22,843
(others groaning)
243
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:23,811
Come on.
244
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,112
We got to talk, guys.
245
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:26,279
I want to know where the turkey
ends up.
246
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,248
DJ Deer Head was
spittin' rhymes, dawg.
247
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,583
Bock, bock!
248
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,485
Come on, Pete,
we're off the clock.
Guys,
249
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,753
we're not doing cleanup detail.
250
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,488
What? What did
we do wrong?
What? Why?
251
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:36,156
I didn't come back
from Afghanistan
252
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,991
to follow a horse around
with a broom.
253
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,528
Sergeant, I suggest a shovel.
Broom just moves it around.
254
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:42,095
Come on, guys.
255
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,964
Did you really join the Army
to pick up garbage?
256
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,999
Derrick and I joined 'cause
we wanted to be just like you.
257
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:47,167
That's not why I joined.
258
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,168
It is, though, subconsciously.
259
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,803
Nope.
Subtextually.
260
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,304
You have no idea what either
of those words mean.
261
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,140
They mean
you love Pete.
Help.
262
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,708
Well, Derrick had to join
'cause he got kicked out
263
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,109
of three different colleges.
264
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,878
Three different colleges
in less than a year.
265
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,980
Says it like
you never did anything.
I mean, come on, please.
266
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:03,316
My point is, you all aspired
to something greater.
267
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,720
I joined the Army because
I wanted to serve my country.
268
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,221
Does that make me a hero?
269
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,322
No.
Yes.
270
00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:10,891
History will decide that.
271
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,893
And I'll tell you one thing:
history is leaning yes.
272
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,628
And I'm not
the only hero
273
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,229
in this room.
I'm standing up here
274
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,966
in front of a room full
of heroes.
275
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,535
Randy, I don't need you up here.
276
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,871
Guys, this is about your pride.
277
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,173
No, this is
about your pride, Peter.
278
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,841
(others agreeing, oohing)
279
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:29,076
We like it in Rear D.
280
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,811
(others agreeing)
281
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,079
But you think
it's beneath you.
282
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,413
(others murmuring)
283
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,648
Would you stop murmuring?
284
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,649
Continue murmuring!
285
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,918
(murmuring continues)
286
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,419
We like it here, okay?
287
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:40,988
We don't "aspire"
to something better.
288
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,591
The United States Army
is giving us a day off,
289
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,726
and if that means
a couple hours of doody duty...
290
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,527
(laughs)
...then by God,
291
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:50,898
I, for one, am ready
to pay up.
292
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,567
(others agreeing)
293
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,003
PETE:
Hold on a second, Randy,
294
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,571
you remember
when we were little kids
295
00:08:57,605 --> 00:08:59,339
and you got all excited
about playing the trumpet?
296
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,108
Yeah.
Why'd you quit?
297
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,876
Derrick explained
how much practice it'd be
298
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:05,045
before I was good and how the
trumpet sounds like robot farts.
299
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,246
Isn't that
what just happened here?
300
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,848
Pete's right.
301
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,850
No, he's not.
I aspired
to something better
302
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,284
and you crushed
my dreams.
303
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,353
Dream crusher.
You crushed my dreams, Derrick.
304
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,723
How was that your dream? You
took trumpet for three weeks.
305
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,290
The best three weeks
of my life.
306
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,792
Actually...
307
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,260
Derrick does have
a knack for...
308
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,395
making you see the
folly in your dreams.
309
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,798
First day at Fort McGee, huh?
How do you like it?
310
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,233
I love the Army, dawg.
311
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,768
If I wasn't here,
I'd probably be in jail
312
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,103
with my brother, dad
and grandma.
Good call.
313
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,872
I mean, in jail, you'd have
to wake up super early,
314
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,473
always wear the same clothes
315
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,575
and do everything some
stupid idiot tells you, right?
316
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,510
At least here, you don't have
to see your grandma.
317
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,113
I joined because I want
to see the world.
318
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,281
And they sent you here,
319
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,650
(French accent):
to Fort McGee.
320
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,785
You must try
the duck à l'orange.
321
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,053
(gulps)
322
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,755
I wouldn't even be here
if my husband
323
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,957
hadn't been so supportive.
324
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,292
He's supportive of you
being far away from him.
325
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,794
(chuckles)
Marriage, right?
326
00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,229
(cries)
327
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,898
I'm gonna learn weapons systems.
328
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,767
No, you're not.
No, I'm not.
329
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,134
Why'd you join up, Chubowski?
330
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:02,335
I'm just here
to lose
331
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,171
those last ten pounds.
332
00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,073
Good luck with that, man.
333
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,675
Chili cheese fries?
334
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,576
They're really good.
335
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,780
You're the author of my obesity.
336
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:13,914
I am sorry.
337
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:14,915
Nacho?
338
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:17,851
I suppose.
339
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,920
Seems to me Derrick's
been crushing all your dreams.
340
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,354
So I say to you,
341
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,190
let us reclaim our dreams.
342
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,625
Yes.
Let's march in that parade
343
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:28,261
like real soldiers,
not janitors.
344
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,931
Yes!
Oh, it's not gonna
be easy. No.
345
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,833
We're gonna have to practice
our nuts off,
346
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,134
but when it gets tough...
347
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,769
Yeah, get in here. Get in here.
348
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,337
When it gets tough,
349
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,972
you think
about the people.
350
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,541
The Rear D families
as you march on by.
351
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,777
The little boy waving
352
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,846
from the sidewalk.
353
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:49,683
The veteran slowly brushing away
a tear
354
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:51,384
as he offers...
355
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,787
the slo-mo salute.
356
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,123
The slo-mo salute.
357
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,191
Some say it's
just a myth.
358
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:02,462
Oh, it's no myth, Gumble,
I can promise you that.
359
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,964
Now, who's with me?!
360
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,032
ALL:
Yes!
361
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,399
So let's go!
362
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:07,735
(all cheer)
363
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,737
Let's do it!
Come on!
364
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:14,241
Yep, they're already
out of breath.
365
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,243
Chubowski just ran
straight into traffic.
366
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,544
(horn blares)
367
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,515
PETE:
If we're gonna march
in that parade,
368
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,752
it's gotta be perfect.
Port arms!
369
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,855
Forward march!
370
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,222
* We are Alpha Company.
371
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,158
OTHERS:
* We are Alpha Company.
372
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,926
* We love to do it.
373
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,527
* We love to do it.
374
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:36,529
* Your left, your left
375
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,598
* Your other left,
your other left. *
376
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,267
Make an "L" with your hand
if it helps.
377
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,936
OTHERS:
Make an "L" with your hand
if it helps!
378
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:45,172
Chubowski,
there's no aiming.
379
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,840
Fine.
380
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,943
PETE:
You got two choices: get
it right or shovel poo.
381
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,412
Forward... march.
382
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:01,021
Every time you drop your rifle,
you owe me ten push-ups.
383
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,222
You can't just be good.
384
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,024
You gotta be parade good.
385
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,626
(all clamoring)
386
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:07,895
No.
387
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,396
It's fine. It's fine.
388
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,669
(muttering)
389
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,774
PETE: No aiming.
There's no reason to aim.
390
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,442
(muttering)
391
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,710
(groans)
392
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,378
Come on. This is ridiculous.
393
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,414
Heave. We all heave.
394
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,681
God!
395
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,290
(panting)
396
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,793
(grunting)
397
00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,761
Pete, I promise I won't drop
anything ever!
398
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,831
PARK:
I'm so tired.
399
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:49,402
Get it together, Cindy.
You're not my father!
400
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,904
Hey, look, come on, Pete,
we're never
401
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,339
gonna get it.
The parade's tomorrow.
402
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:53,573
That just means
403
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,575
we've got all night,
dream crusher.
404
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,511
Right face!
405
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,848
Forward march!
406
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,850
* We are Alpha Company.
407
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,451
OTHERS:
* We are Alpha Company.
408
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,686
(knocks)
409
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:09,957
You're supposed to pick up
doody, son, not look like it.
410
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,325
(boys laugh)
411
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,361
Sergeant Kitty
needs a bath.
Hilarious.
412
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,996
Meow.
Really?
413
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,330
These little
rascals came by
414
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,966
to show me pictures
of their float.
415
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:22,102
Oops, that's you using
the litter box. (chuckles)
416
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,236
Oh, here it is.
417
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,538
Congratulations,
Sergeant Perez.
418
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:26,806
You saved the parade.
419
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,208
Aw...
420
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,777
Sergeant Major Cody,
would you come with me?
421
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,012
We've been practicing all night.
422
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,981
Practicing what,
being a butt?
423
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,449
Shut your damn mouth,
Kenny Shifflet.
424
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,418
Platoon, attention!
425
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,721
Port arms!
426
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,325
Column of twos, march!
427
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,360
PETE:
* We are Alpha Company.
428
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,462
OTHERS:
* We are Alpha Company.
429
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,364
* We love to do it.
430
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,500
* We love to do it.
431
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,904
*
432
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:05,845
Oh!
433
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,414
Damn!
434
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,917
(panting)
PETE (whispers):
That's just in practice.
435
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,118
Oh!
436
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,855
You dragged me out of my office
to see this.
437
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:16,823
Gumble!
438
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:17,891
Mm-hmm.
439
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,359
They've been up
all night.
440
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,694
He got hit by a car.
441
00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,063
(gasps)
442
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,297
(groans, trumpet playing)
443
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:26,699
Wow.
(sighs)
444
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,936
(sputtering notes)
PETE:
Randy.
445
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,104
Stop.
446
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,406
You just make sure
447
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,874
that your troops know
448
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:38,078
the brushy part
of the broom goes down.
449
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,879
(Cody and Perez chuckle)
450
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,782
You made me believe
in myself, Sergeant Hill.
451
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,985
How could you!
452
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,556
Looks like we got ourselves
a new dream crusher.
453
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,324
(patting arm)
454
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,101
These are actually
pretty snazzy, huh?
455
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,470
Oh, yeah, can't wait to wear it
to the club, Sergeant.
456
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,406
At ease.
457
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,041
CODY:
Carry on.
458
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:09,742
Change of plans, Sergeant Hill.
459
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,644
You get to ride
up front with me.
460
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,047
What? Why?
State senator who was
supposed to do it
461
00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,483
accidentally smoked crack
and ended up playing the drums
462
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,085
with a Chuck E. Cheese band.
463
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,420
Wow.
Florida. What are
you gonna do?
464
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,590
Anyway, they're looking for
a hero, and you fit the bill.
465
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,392
Or you can...
466
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,160
do this.
467
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,828
Carry on.
468
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,975
What'd I tell you guys?
All about Pete.
469
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,243
Well, maybe it should be.
470
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,777
What?
I mean, yeah,
471
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,613
Pete's full of himself
and cocky and looks amazing
472
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:47,947
even right when he wakes up,
473
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,749
but at least he tried
to make us better.
474
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,318
What'd you ever do?
475
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:52,852
That's right, the opposite.
476
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,155
Hey, easy. Hey...
477
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,556
A-All right.
478
00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,659
Come on.
479
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,995
We were mad at Pete;
let's stick with that.
480
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,701
You know what?
Let me save you the trouble.
481
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:11,204
Yes, I'm petty.
Yes, I'm egotistical.
482
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,506
No, I don't want
to shovel poo. And yeah,
483
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,808
I think I'm better than you.
You are better than us.
484
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,610
You know what, just back off,
Derrick. Wait...
485
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,147
Shut up, 'cause I'm about to say
something nice, and frankly,
486
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,749
I'm gonna need a bare minimum
of eye contact, okay?
487
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:24,984
Okay.
488
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:29,056
Look, I know I said we all
like Rear D the way it is,
489
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,558
but that doesn't mean
that you should stop
trying to make it better.
490
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,226
And even though you
failed spectacularly,
491
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:34,961
it was really
fun to watch,
492
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,529
and completely validated
everything I've been saying.
493
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,831
I feel like I could look
right at you for this.
494
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,867
Okay. Look...
495
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,970
you were over there...
496
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,039
you were over there.
497
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,975
Put your life
on the line,
498
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,211
and you deserve to
take a crackhead's seat
499
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:54,147
at the front of a stupid
parade because...
500
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,915
you are a hero.
501
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:59,052
Like, an actual, no one-
can-take-it-away-from-you...
502
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,388
hero.
503
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,623
*
504
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:08,095
(hoarsely):
Thanks, brother.
All right, get out of my face.
505
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,397
*
506
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,732
(whooping)
507
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,367
(band playing "Over There")
508
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,269
Left, left...
509
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,706
Hi!
510
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,408
*
511
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,459
*
512
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,795
What is that slop
you're doing with your hand?
513
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,063
I'm waving.
514
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,633
Be a man.
Wave like a princess.
515
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,568
Hey.
516
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,671
Pay attention.
Sorry.
517
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,408
Got your troops back there, huh?
518
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,043
Yeah.
519
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,711
When you were deployed,
520
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,447
what was the most
important thing?
521
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,881
The glory?
522
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,816
No. It was the people
serving next to me.
523
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,119
You think that's changed?
524
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,324
I'll cover you.
525
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,568
Is this a private party,
or... can anyone join?
526
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,503
It's not a party at all,
but you can join it.
527
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,472
I mean, it's a party.
It's a different type of party.
528
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,274
There's not invitations
or RSV...
529
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:30,009
I mean, we can make it a party,
and you can be the life of it.
530
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,178
Fall in!
531
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,686
Port arms!
532
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,491
Mark time!
533
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:45,692
March!
534
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,927
* Rear D's the place for me
535
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,996
* Rear D's
the place for me *
536
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,964
* Support the post
and families *
537
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,866
* Support the post
and families *
538
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,968
PETE:
* We don't brag
and we don't boast *
539
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,870
OTHERS: * We don't brag
and we don't boast *
540
00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,672
* We're here
when you need us most *
541
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,708
* We're here when
you need us most *
542
00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,510
PETE:
Forward, platoon, march!
543
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:05,278
* Left, left
544
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:06,379
* Left, right
545
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,447
OTHERS:
* Sweeping crew
546
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,616
* Left, left, left
547
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,884
* Shoveling poo!
548
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,920
(cheering)
549
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,289
(cheering, whistling)
550
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,957
What are those idiots doing?
551
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,226
Forward...
552
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:20,393
march!
553
00:19:20,427 --> 00:19:22,729
*
554
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,504
*
555
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:37,644
(cheering, whistling)
556
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:38,811
Front...
557
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,980
face!
558
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,249
Forward...
559
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,650
march!
560
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,752
Left, left,
561
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,754
left, right, left,
562
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,689
left, left...
563
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,258
No way.
564
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:54,060
The slo-mo salute.
565
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,732
Present arms!
566
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,471
*
567
00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:17,350
What the hell?
568
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,852
Keep your crap sauce, Shifflets!
569
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,188
Just shut up, Tony Grubby.
You're just jealous
570
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,024
'cause we're on a pig float.
And you're whole Grubby family's
on the stupid ground!
571
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,226
Stupid float doesn't
even look like a pig!
572
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:30,096
That's funny, 'cause we
modeled it after your mom.
573
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:31,364
OTHERS:
Ooh...!
574
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,965
That's it!
575
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:35,602
(shouting, grunting)
576
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,004
*
577
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,009
What is happening?
578
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,480
(explosion)
(people screaming)
579
00:20:47,514 --> 00:20:50,283
*
580
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,654
Pig fire! Pig fire!
581
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,957
(neighing)
582
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,728
GIRL:
Get the pig away!
583
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:02,995
(woman screams)
584
00:21:03,029 --> 00:21:05,632
*
585
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,271
(all gasp)
586
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,307
My mama made this dress!
587
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,778
This is your fault.
588
00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:21,180
(panicked shouts, screams)
589
00:21:21,213 --> 00:21:23,350
*
590
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,623
Florida.
591
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,592
What are you gonna do?
592
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,827
Captioned by
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