All language subtitles for Family Ties S06E14 The American Family.DVDRip.NonHI.en.CBS.EN

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been
together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be
together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do,
baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do,
baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

As you all know, Lauren is doing
a paper on the American family.

And as you also may know,

she's chosen us to
be her case study.

So, I want you all to
answer the questions

to the best of your
ability, all right?

Um, Mom and Dad, uh, feel free

to refer to any
old photo albums.

Mallory may need
the aid of a thesaurus.

Or, if Nick comes
by, he may wish

to express himself
through cave paintings.

Any questions?

Yeah. Who said you
can do all the talking?

All right, all right. Sorry.

All right, go ahead, honey.

Okay, are there any questions

before I get started
with my questions?

Ooh! Ooh! Yeah.

Uh, Miss Miller,
uh, you've picked us

- as the typical American family.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, does this mean you-you...
you find me to be typical?

Because, uh...
because I've always

kind of prided myself
on not being typical.

You know, not normal.

You've succeeded at that.

Okay, Mr. and Mrs.
Keaton, I'll start with you,

because, after all, if it
wasn't for the two of you,

this family wouldn't
even be here.

What does she mean by that?

Because they're the
mommy and daddy.

How did they get to be
the mommy and daddy?

They won a raffle.

Okay, when you first met,

uh, did it ever occur to you

that your life would
turn out this way?

I mean, was having a
family always the main goal?

Well, uh, when I met
Elyse, it was truly magical.

The first time I
laid eyes on her,

I knew we'd be together forever.

I swear, at that moment,
time and space did not exist.

Just us.

Is it any wonder I
find him so attractive?

How come you didn't inherit
any of your father's romantic side?

Hey, come... Me? You're kidding.

I'm-I'm-I'm on the FBI's
ten most romantic list.

Violins play wherever I go.

Try leaving the room.

See if the music starts up.

Okay, so then, after the two
of you met and you fell in love,

did, uh, things go as
you hoped they would?

Would you say that
your life is the fulfillment

of a dream that the two of
you set out for yourselves?

But there were a lot of
surprises along the way.

Can you give me an example?

Well, when I found out that
I was pregnant with Andy,

that was a surprise.

A delightful surprise.

Hey, you okay?

Hmm? Oh, sure. I'm fine.

I just couldn't sleep,
I was so excited.

How are you two feeling?

Fine.

Fine. How are you?

I had a little trouble sleeping.

I, uh... I can't stop thinking.

About what?

I mean, about what specifically?

Elyse, I'm 40 years old.

I'm, uh, about to
become a father again.

Last time I changed a diaper,
Richard Nixon was president.

I thought I'd seen the
last of both of them.

- You know what I keep realizing?
- What?

We're going to have to start
watching Sesame Street again,

Romper Room, Mr. Rogers.

I like Mr. Rogers.

Have to start going to the zoo.

Pony rides, birthday parties.

Sterilizing baby bottles.

Tripping over toys.

Before you know it, the
terrible twos will be upon us.

Remember when Alex used to
run around the house all the time

going, "Mine! Mine!"?

He never really
outgrew that, did he?

Seems like such a long time ago.

You know, I've been
doing some calculations.

Hmm?

When the baby's ten, I'll be 50.

- When the baby's 20, I'll be 60.
- Mmm.

When the baby's 30, I'll be 70.

70's a little old to
have a baby, isn't it?

It won't be a baby when it's 30.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

When the baby's
40, Jennifer will be 51.

Steven, cut it out!

I'm sorry. I'm just
not used to the idea.

Neither am I.

It's a nice idea to
get used to, isn't it?

I wish the kids
were more excited.

Oh, they'll come around.

Who could not love a
beautiful newborn baby?

Besides, it gives us
someone else to pick on.

You know, uh,
there's one other thing

about this we haven't mentioned.

It's going to be real
expensive, huh?

I find this absolutely the
sexiest thing in the world.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Cut it out.

Don't you know
that's how you got

into trouble in the first place?

Alex, what are you doing up?

How am I supposed to sleep, Mom?

I'm about to become a
brother for the third time.

It's not going to
happen tonight, Alex.

It's not, is it, Elyse?

I can almost guarantee it.

What's in the package?

Oh, uh, it's, uh, something
I picked up for the little guy.

Oh, it's so cute!

Yeah. Uh, pull the string.

I love Alex.

Oh!

Isn't that sweet?

I love it!

Yeah. You know, I think

I need to get one
of these for myself.

This little toy reminds me
of when you were a baby.

Alex, do you remember that song

we used to sing to you
when you were little?

It was your favorite one,
and it always made you smile.

Yeah, yeah. Uh... ♪
We're in the money. ♪

No.

Don't you remember?

It was, um...

♪ I'm a little teapot,
short and stout ♪

Mom, get a hold of yourself.

♪ Here is the handle,
here is the spout ♪

♪ When I get all steamed
up, hear me shout ♪

♪ Tip me over and pour me out. ♪

This is going to be
a long nine months.

We thought about having
a little brother or sister.

We decided that it
could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, the family needs a
little shaking up anyway.

Thank you, honey.
This is beautiful.

Look at it!

Well, it's getting pretty late.

I think we'd better
call it a night, huh?

- Oh, yeah.
- Come on.

It did seem like a
long nine months,

but when Andy was born,

it was an incredible
thrill for us all.

Especially Alex, it seemed.

Oh, you know, Steven,
he has your eyes.

Maybe those are my
eyes, but that is your nose.

I'd know it anywhere.

You're great, Elyse.

Oh, thank you,
love. Oh, so are you.

Can we come in?

We heard a baby.

Yeah, we thought
it might be yours.

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

It's a boy.

Thank you!

Oh! Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you! Ah!

Ah, yes, that was
a magical moment.

Yeah, it was fun for me, too.

What was it like to
all of a sudden have

a brand-new baby in the house?

How were your daily
patterns affected?

Well, all of a sudden,

there were diapers to
change, formula to make.

Oh, and rattles, first words

and the constant squeak
from that Jolly Jumper

till I thought it was going
to break off its hinges.

Babies have tons of energy.

No, that was Alex.

Yeah, I was... I was
just checking out

the shocks on the
thing, you know.

Making sure it was safe.

What was the thing that changed
most for the rest of the family?

Was-was there anything that
you felt missing in your life?

Sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm going in to get Andrew.

Steven, that will
be the fifth time

you've picked him
up since midnight.

Elyse, he's crying.

Honey, we've been
through this before.

If you pick Andrew
up every time he cries,

he's never going to stop crying.

Does that mean, when he's
30, he'll still cry in his crib?

Not if we bring him up right.

Elyse, how can you be so cruel?

He's only been
alone for four minutes.

Four minutes is a big
chunk of his life, Elyse.

We are not going to
spoil this baby, Steven.

Come on. Let's go back to bed.

Boy, has this kid got lungs.

Oh, my heaven.

Elyse.

Where are you going?

I was going to
straighten this picture.

Elyse!

Oh, he's still crying, honey.

I thought you didn't
want to spoil him.

I don't, but I can't
bear to hear him cry.

He stopped crying.

Hmm.

- Is Andrew up again?
- Yeah.

We can't get him to go to sleep.

Oh, maybe we should sing to him.

Dad, we want him to
sleep, not try and escape.

We should try singing.
We should try anything.

I've got to get some sleep.

We'll sing, we'll sing.

Well, wait. What
are we going to sing?

Something for a baby.

Hey, do you know "Let's
Get Crazy" by Prince?

It was our wedding song.

Come on. Come
on. No, no, come on.

I'm not singing
anything by Prince.

Come on! He's tired!

♪ Down by the old mill stream ♪

♪ Where I first met you ♪

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ You were 16 ♪

♪ My village queen,
my village queen ♪

♪ Down by the old mill stream. ♪

Good night.

Look, we can work this
out. We can work it out.

I know we can.

Now, what has stopped
him from crying so far?

When we went in there
to sing, he stopped crying.

Go in there to
sing... Stop crying.

When I brought him out
here before, he stopped crying.

Bring him out here...
Stop cry... okay.

I've got it. Come on.

What are you going to do?

Shh, shh.

Wow, what are you doing?

Okay, take it easy.

That's my good boy.
That's my good boy.

♪ Down by the old ♪

♪ Mill stream... ♪

Nice try, Dad.

Oh, yes, the song stylings
of the Keaton family.

That... that was quite a night.

It's getting late, Andy.
I think it's time for bed.

But, Dad, I'm the
center of attention.

Well, why don't you go on up,

and I'll be the
center of attention.

Come on, Andy, I'll take you up.

Good night, Andy.

- Good night, Andy.
- Well, honey...

is it time for my
personal history yet?

No, not just yet.

Okay, well, you give
me lots of warning, okay?

Because I got to set up
that whole slide show and...

We're onto an
interesting area here.

The-the most recent addition
to this typical American family.

Okay, as Andy grew, would
you say the style in which

you raised him was any different
from the rest of the children?

Well, actually, it was
very much the same.

Oh, but-but as time went on,
we started getting little hints

that-that Alex intended
to be more involved

in Andy's upbringing
than we had hoped.

This started very early on.

Okay, Andy, you ready?

Okay.

This is him.

This is the guy I've
been telling you about.

This is everything
you'd want in a president.

Alex.

Put this away...
You'll frighten him.

Ah, there you go again, Dad.

Republican.

And then there were other hints.

Things that were
tough to ignore.

Who's that?

- You.
- Who am I?

- My mommy.
- That's right.

And who's that pretty girl?

- Jennifer.
- Who's Jennifer?

- My sister.
- That's right.

- Who's that?
- Alex.

Who is Alex?

Alex is king.

And after a while, we had

to face the fact that we had
another Alex on our hands.

Mommy, come quick...
Gold closed at $4.15.

Thank you for having him.

Ah, got to love that kid.

I got to admit their
relationship is cute

in its own weird way.

What's wrong with a
little brother following

in his older
brother's footsteps?

What's wrong with our footsteps?

Well, hey, Dad, you
know, he would've followed

in your footsteps...
I just got to him first.

Why couldn't he
follow in my footsteps?

Oh, great, he'd be on a...

on a circular track
to and from the mall.

What's wrong with that?

His first words would
be, "Attention, shoppers."

Alex has, on
occasion, uh, taken this

"follow in his footsteps"
business a little too far.

Moi?

Oui.

I seem to remember
Andy's first day of preschool.

You went a little
overboard there.

Moi?

MALLORY, ELYSE and STEVEN: Oui.

Andy, here's your lunch box.

Now, these are your coloring
books and your crayons.

Remember, how do
we feel about sharing?

Attaboy.

Good.

Okay, now, you just wear this,

and I don't think we'll
have any problem.

Good morning, Andy.

Good morning, Mrs. Kluger.

Good morning, Mrs. Kluger.
I'm Alex Keaton, Andy's brother.

I'm Mrs. Kluger, the director.

Right. Oh, listen, Andy,
I got to run to class now,

but remember, tonight,
we're going to go out,

we're going to get ice cream,
then I'm going to take you

and show you how the
automated teller machines work.

Okay? Remember... who loves you?

Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh...

how's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child.

He's very sensitive
and very thoughtful

of the other children.

Well, I can't help that;
it's my parents' influence.

You know, Andrew talks
about you all the time, Alex.

Oh, really?

Yeah, he mentions
your name so often,

you'd think someone was
paying him to talk about you.

Mrs. Kluger, do you mind if I
take a little look around here?

Oh, no, feel free...
We encourage visitors.

We're completely
open and free here.

That's nothing to brag about.

So, this is the library?

Yeah, and we try to fill it
with colorful, interesting books.

We've got, uh, Old
Charlie Goes to School,

A Snowy Day, The Curious Cow.

Yeah, we've got
that one at home.

Mallory's reading it.

My sister.

Oh, you've also got
a sister in preschool.

No, Mallory couldn't
get into preschool.

So she's going to Grant College.

Hi, Mrs. Kluger.

Hi, Michael.

What does your patch say?

I know how to say
good-bye to my daddy.

Very good, sweetie.

Isn't that wonderful, Alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say
good-bye to my daddy.

You don't see me
wearing a patch.

Well, we try to encourage
Michael... he's very shy.

This gives him a sense
of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for
creating a sense

of accomplishment, Mrs. Kluger.

I just question your methods.

Oh, well, what do you suggest?

Well, have you thought
about dividing the children

into different play groups?

Giving them IQ tests?

Well, Alex, we're
trying to foster

a noncompetitive environment.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out
there who are noncompetitive?

People sharing?

People taking naps on mats?

Steven and Elyse
Keaton are your parents?

Oh, Mrs. Kluger, I got to go.

Um, I'm just going to
say good-bye to Andy,

- and I'll be on my way.
- Sure.

He's over there playing house.

No, no.

That's impossible...
Andy doesn't play house.

Well, of course he does.
See him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

We're out of here.

Let's go.

You took Andy out of preschool?

I brought him back.

Yeah, after the
deprogramming didn't work.

So, Alex seems to
be a little overzealous

when it comes to Andy.

Well... well, yes,
I am, sugarplum.

Could you explain further
this obsessive involvement?

Well, frankly, it has to do
with the way I was raised.

Excuse me?

One thing you have to
know about Mom and Dad

is that they're not
your normal parents.

He says the sweetest things.

Well, what I mean is
they really got involved

in everything we did.

Sometimes a
little over-involved.

Can anyone cite an example?

- More popcorn?
- Uh...

There was this
time that Dad felt

he wasn't spending
enough time with me,

so he decided to
become my buddy.

Oh, right.

♪ Everybody down, low bridge ♪

♪ For we're coming to a town ♪

♪ And you'll always
know your neighbor ♪

♪ You'll always know your
pal if you've ever navigated ♪

♪ On the Erie Canal. ♪

All right!

Well, what do you say,
Dad? Do you want to go now?

We've been here
three minutes, Jennifer.

All right, that was
very nice singing, girls.

And now onto the new business.

I would like to
welcome all the moms...

and the dad.

Mr. Keaton,

nice that you could come, sir.

Uh, thank you, Mrs. Carpenter.
I feel very much at home.

In fact, I'd like to give
you all a warm Sunflower...

Dad!

Well.

Now it's time for
the round table.

- Oh, what's that?
- Well, once a month,

we discuss some topic of
interest to the Sunflower Girls.

Oh, great, I'm-I'm all ready...
Camping, boating, hiking?

Today we're going
to talk about sex.

I'm your guy.

Did you say "sex"?

Mm-hmm.

Dad, maybe you
should go, really.

Nonsense, Jennifer.

I'm a Sunflower Dad.

I think I can handle a...

a mature discussion
about, uh, what she said.

Now,

we're going to
discuss our bodies

as they blossom into womanhood.

And about boys and their
bodies as they burst into manhood.

I know that some of you
have already gone out on dates

with boys, and I want to
talk about first experiences.

And I want the younger girls
to benefit from you older girls.

So we're going to
go around the room

starting with you, Shelly.

Well, on my first date,

I went out with a
guy in my class.

I'm not going to
name names, but...

Was it Larry Barker?

That's right.

Anyway, I went out with Larry,

and all he wanted
to do was fool around.

What do you mean
by "fool around"?

I mean he wanted
to touch my body

as it blossomed into womanhood.

Boys are only interested
in one thing: sex.

Right, Mr. Keaton?

Well... well, uh...

- Wh-What's your name?
- Alice.

Well, Alice, some boys
are very interested in sex.

Were you?

Well, um, when I was
a boy, I was interested

in a lot of things.

Was sex one of them?

Well, I was interested in, uh,
baseball, basketball, football.

You're not answering
the question.

Get off my back, will you?

I don't want to lie
to you, uh, Alice.

Uh...

I admit, there... there
were some, uh, girls, uh,

that, uh...

I remember Marjorie McCracken.

Boy, she had a body on her.

Dad, I can't believe you're
talking about this stuff.

What can I do? She
was hounding me.

Dad, you're really
embarrassing me.

This is not the
place for you to be.

Why do you say that?

Look around you, Dad.

Do you see anyone
else here who shaves?

Jennifer, I just want to
spend some time with you.

I'm sorry, Dad, but
this isn't the right place.

If you don't leave, I will.

I have to say I learned
a lot from that meeting.

Me, too.

Like don't ever be seen
with your father in public.

I think it's a lovely
thing your father did.

It shows what kind of dad he is.

He's not a stay-at-home dad.

Dad, in the future, do
us a favor... stay at home.

Can you think of other ways

that your father embarrassed...

I-I mean got involved in
what you kids were doing?

Nothing specific, but
he was always involved.

Mom, too.

What would you say is
the key to the closeness

that you have with your parents?

Honesty. Yeah.

Talking out problems.

Financial dependence.

And honesty and
talking out problems.

Well, we made a
decision a long time ago

that if anyone had a problem,
they would come to us

and we would talk about it.

- And that works for you?
- Definitely.

Um, well, sometimes
it's a hard thing to do.

Like the time I had
to tell Mom and Dad

that I might not graduate
from high school.

Hi, honey. I had the
dress altered for you.

I'm so excited you're
going to be wearing it

to your graduation.

This really means a lot to me.

Uh, what do you think
of this frame, Mal?

I think your diploma
will look great in here.

Oh, it looks nice
the way it is, Dad.

Do you want to try this on now?

Uh, no, Mom.

There's plenty of time for that.

No, there isn't.

Mom, there's time.

Trust her.

Come on, Jen.

Mom, Dad,

there's something
I have to tell you.

This isn't easy for me,

and it's not going
to make you happy.

I don't like it any
more than you will.

You know,

I don't know why we're going
to put ourselves through this.

In fact, I don't know why
we're having this conversation.

I'm a little fuzzy on it myself.

Okay, I'm failing history.

Unless I get a "B" on my final,

which is not likely, I'm
not going to graduate.

Not graduate?

Why is this the first
we're hearing of this?

I didn't mention it before?

No.

I guess I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this,

that I'd get that
diploma somehow.

Well, how did you plan
on getting this diploma, Mal,

by going to the mall
four nights a week?

By spending all
that time with Nick?

By talking on the
phone all hours?

Okay, that didn't work.

I'm real glad you can
see the humor in this,

Mallory, because I can't.

What do you want me to do?

I want you to start
taking things seriously.

- I want you to grow up!
- Mom, don't yell at me.

- I feel bad enough already.
- Well, sometimes I have

to yell at you;
it's the only way

I can get through
to you these days.

All right, come on,
come on, getting all upset

isn't going to help, Elyse.

How could you do this, Mallory?!

I didn't want to.

Can't you bring
the grade up at all?

I don't know.

My teacher is so unfair to me.

I asked her if I
could do extra credit.

She said, "No, Mallory.

You have to get a 'B'
on the final or else."

There's no way I'm
going to be able to do that.

There's still time.

Come on, Mom, I can't learn

a year's worth of
work in four weeks.

Can't you guys talk
to Mrs. Hillman for me?

Well, fine, what
are we going to say?

That she should let you graduate

even though you
haven't done the work

and you don't deserve it?

Okay, but put it
in your own words.

If that's your
attitude, just fine.

Don't graduate.

What do you want me to do?

Look, I think your
only choice now

is to sit down and study
as hard as you can.

Dad, what would be
the point? I'd still flunk.

I'm not smart.

There's no way I can do this.

You are smart, Mallory.

You just don't apply yourself.

Your teachers have
always said that.

Look, if you give up on this,

you're not even giving
yourself a chance.

Now, this time,
it's too important.

I'm scared.

You have no choice.

Well, I hit the books
like I never did before,

and by the time
the big exam came,

I thought I was ready.

So, have you been studying?

Yes, a lot.

Good.

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

Okay, I'm going to
ask you six questions.

I want you to think about
what you're going to say

and be brief and to the point.

You ready?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

What was the Louisiana Purchase,

and how did it affect Thomas
Jefferson's presidency?

Well, Thomas Jefferson
wanted some land,

and, uh, Napoleon had some.

Uh, so he finally
bought it for $15 million,

which wasn't a bad price,
considering it was from France.

I thought you said you studied.

I did.

That answer was gibberish.

Now tell me the answer in
clear and coherent English.

I don't know what you mean.

Well, then you're
going to flunk,

- and you won't graduate.
- Mrs. Hillman...

When are you going
to drop this charade

and start acting like an
intelligent young woman?

I'm doing the best I can.

Well, Mallory, if this
is the best you can do,

then obviously I've
overestimated you.

How can you say that?

I've been studying my
head off for four weeks.

What do you want from me?

An intelligent answer.

Now, come on.

How did the Louisiana Purchase

affect Thomas
Jefferson's presidency?

Tell me what you
think, intelligently.

Can you do that?

Or would you rather...

The Louisiana Purchase
was difficult for Jefferson

because he
supported states' rights,

and when he made the purchase,

he was doing more
for federal powers

so he lost political backing

for the people
involved in states' right.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Mallory, that's what
I want from you.

Now, that was an
intelligent answer.

It was?

Yes, it was.

And that is the story of
how I got to Grant College.

Grant College, where
the school motto is,

"Get left back, win a free pie."

Hello, everybody.

Hey, hello, hello.

Look, another Grant
College, dare we say, student.

What brings you by, Skip?

Nothing, just a slow
night at my house.

My mother's playing mah-jongg,

and my dad's
cleaning the furnace

with an electric toothbrush.

Same old stuff.

What's going on here?

I'm interviewing the
Keatons on what it's like

to be a typical
American family in 1987.

Oh, well, then, Lauren,

you might want to
interview me, too.

I mean, having lived next door

to the Keatons
for so many years,

I've felt just like
part of the family.

- Really?
- Yes.

Alex and Jen and Mallory

have always treated
me like a brother.

And Mr. and Mrs. Keaton

have always treated me
like the son they never had.

Thanks, Skip.

This isn't cutting into
my time at all, is it?

No, it's fine.

Everyone's going to
have their chance to speak.

All right, go ahead, Skippy.

Um, can you remember
a specific time when the...

when the family embraced you

and included you as
one of its members?

Did we do that?

Now that you
mention it, I-I can.

It was when I-I
first found out that...

I was adopted.

You're adopted?

Yes.

Skippy...

we all know.

Well, anyway, the news
was rather shocking,

but with the encouragement
of the Keatons,

I decided to go see
my natural mother.

But it didn't turn out
as great as I'd hoped.

She didn't want
me back in her life.

When we got back
here, I was crushed.

Alex, I'm in a daze.

I'm stunned.

My mother rejected me... again.

My mother never would
have acted that way.

That's just the point, Skip.

See, she wouldn't have done
that because she is your mother.

She loves you.

Wait a minute, which
mother are you talking about?

I'm talking about your mother.

N-Not... not the one from today,

but your other mother,
your real mother.

The one from today
is my real mother.

Well, that's true, but I
was referring to the mother

that you thought
was your real mother

until a few days ago.

You mean my mother.

That's what I said,
Skip... Your mother.

When you said my mother, I
thought you meant my mother,

as in the one who
was my mother first.

No, no, I'm talking
about your other mother.

Not the mother who...
who knew you first;

the mother that you knew first.

Got it.

What about her?

Look, Skip, all...

all I'm trying to
say to you is this.

Your mother didn't reject you.

The woman who gave
birth to you rejected you.

You mean my mother?

Let's not start
this again, Skip.

Look, when you
were seven years old

and you got your head
caught in the banister,

who got you loose?

My mom.

Which mom?

The one that raised me.

Mrs. Handelman.

That's right.

And when you were 13 years old

and you got your head
caught in the banister...

who got you loose?

That time, it was my dad.

Um, Mr. Handelman.

Skip, if it wasn't for
those two people,

your head would be stuck
in that banister right now.

It's true.

See, the woman you met today

is your natural mother,

and-and there's a guy out
there who is your natural father,

but they haven't been a
part of your life for 16 years.

They-they've had no
role in-in nurturing you,

in molding you,

in-in caring for you.

They, uh... they created a baby,

but they had no part in
creating the human being

that's Irwin N. Handelman.

Oh, even so, Alex,

how would you
feel if you found out

that your mom and dad
aren't your natural parents?

It would explain a lot of
inconsistencies in my family.

Look, what it gets
right down to, Skip, is:

The people who are
most important in your life

are the people who love you

and the people
who care about you,

and you've got those
people just as much as I do.

You're home.

Yeah, just got back.

Uh, we would have
been here sooner,

but we got stuck at
the Wilson Interchange.

I was worried you might.

They ought to put
better signs up there.

So, how'd it go, baby boy?

You don't have to
call me that anymore.

Did you meet...

her?

Yeah, I met her.

She was...

pretty nice.

I see.

Alex met her, too.

Yeah, yeah, she was,
uh... she was nice.

Well, I'm glad

your real mother's nice.

You're my real mother.

Oh, Mom.

Hey, what about me?

You're my real dad, Dad.

Let's go home and
have real dinner.

Let's go home.

I just said that.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, tell me...

and you can be completely
honest with me, okay?

Are we ever going to get
to my personal history?

I'm afraid not.

Okay, okay.

That's fine.

Don't pout.

I'm not. I'm not.

I have the slide projector
set up, everything.

I just think that
we've discovered

a very interesting area here.

More interesting than me?

Have you seen my baby pictures?

You know, what I think is
interesting is that in all this,

there seems to be a
sense of responsibility that...

that bonds this family together.

I mean, whoever's in need,

they-they always
have someone to go to.

We try to be there
for them to, uh...

to guide them, to
nurture, to support them.

Children need their parents.

Well, Dad, I mean, wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

It's not just a
one-way street here.

I mean, there have been times
that you've come to me for help.

Real...? Oh, I don't
remember that.

Well, I do.

Well, can anyone cite an
example of when one or...

or both of your parents
came to you for help?

- Ooh, ooh.
- I've got a great one.

Alex?

Okay, all right.

Uh, Dad, remember that time

that-that-that-that old flame
of Mom's came into town?

They went out for dinner,

and-and you got so jealous
you made a fool of yourself?

I don't...

So, what are you doing here?

I thought you and Mom were
going out with Richie tonight.

We did.

What happened?

Well, I embarrassed your
mother, I embarrassed myself,

I embarrassed an old friend,

and as far as I can tell now,
I'm probably completely wrong.

So it's nothing new, then.

Well, I mean, you know,

it's nothing you haven't
been through before.

I guess not.

Listen, Dad, you know,
you always told me

that it takes a big man
to admit when he's wrong.

Mm-hmm.

And to always try and
keep a perspective on things.

Uh-huh.

To always respect the
other person's point of view.

Right.

- To understand your own motivations...
- Right.

Control your own
worst instincts.

- Yeah.
- To always rise...

Enough!

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Don't worry, Dad.

You're going to
pull through this.

And, uh, when you talk to Mom...

cry if you have to.

You know, women like that.

It's no skin off your back,
and they think it's sensitive.

How did my little prank go over?

How could you do this, Steven?

I thought we had a bond of
love and respect between us,

an understanding that
would preclude anything

like this from ever happening.

I'm insulted that you obviously
don't feel the same way.

I do feel the same way.

Oh, really?

Well, you have an
interesting way of showing it.

Embarrassing and insulting me

and a dear old friend in
a public place. Steven...

I'm not saying there isn't
room for improvement.

Steven, stop it!

What you did tonight was
absolutely indefensible!

I'm so sick and tired of it.

I-I don't want to hear
another word about it.

Elyse, I'm sorry,
but I only did this

because you're the most

beautiful, exciting
woman I've ever met.

And sometimes the passion
I feel for you is so great,

it, it makes me crazy.

I'm listening.

Do you remember,
the first day we met,

freshman year,

you were lost, you
couldn't find your class?

I had a map.

Unfortunately, it
was a map of Spain.

So, so we spent the day
wandering around the town,

getting ice cream, uh,
browsing through bookstores...

falling in love.

Oh, you were so beautiful.

You still are.

And even after all these years,
after all we've been through,

after everything
that's happened,

I still can't believe
you picked me!

Go on.

Don't you see what
I'm saying, Elyse?

When, when Richie
came here and...

and I found out
about the two of you,

it just went right to the
heart of all the insecurities

I've ever had about myself.

And about whether I'm,
uh, good enough for you.

Steven, what do you think
I've been doing all these years?

Biding my time till I found
someone I really liked?

I don't want to become
one of those couples, Elyse.

The ones that have
settled, grown tired, bored,

where everyone
else is more exciting

than the person
they're married to.

I don't want that
either, Steven!

I want there to be
romance, bells going off,

quickened pulses when
I walk through that door.

I want that look,
that look is mine.

What look?!

My look.

The one that's supposed
to be only for me.

The look that tells me
that we're really meant

to be together;

that I'm the one.

I have a look
that says all that?

Yeah, I showed it
to you yesterday!

I can't do it. You do it!

Now you look like Daffy Duck.

Steven, forget the look.
The look isn't important.

What's important is...

is that we trust each other.

You're my best friend, Steven.

I rely on you.

I want you to rely on me.

I love you, Steven.

Let's go upstairs.

Why go upstairs...

Captain Romance?

That's the look.

Get a camera.

- You really do love me, huh?
- Mm.

Quick, somebody stop
them before they start kissing.

Get a bucket of water or bang
on some cymbals or something.

My parents never
kiss in front of me.

At their most romantic,

they might rub noses
or pull each other's hair.

Well, I think that's all the
time that we have for tonight.

Alex, I'm going to take
your baby pictures home.

I'm going to look at them later.

It's not the same.

Who's going to be
there to-to "Ooh"?

Who's going to be there to "Ah"?

I really want to thank you
all for taking the time to share

your views and
experiences with me.

It's been very enlightening.

Well, I think the
pleasure's been ours.

I really enjoyed this little
trip down memory lane.

All right, in closing, if
you had to pick one word

that means family to
you, what would it be?

Love.

Love.

- Love.
- Love.

Money.

Love of money.

Love. Love.

I don't think you
can sum up family.

It's a web of interchanging

and always-changing
relations and emotions.

Come on, Alex.
You're his big brother.

- You set a good example for him.
- Mom, no, this is ridiculous.

Show him!

Okay, watch Alex, Andrew. Okay.

Now the mama bird
flies back to her nest.

And the baby bird opens
up his mouth so big...

Come on, Alex, open
your mouth, Alex. Open.

Would you open your mouth, Alex!

Hi, guys.

I can't get either
one of them to eat!

Dad, we need a new
mom. This one's had it.

Do you know what it
means that we're brothers?

It means that I have to
do everything that you say.

That's a big part of it, yep.

If you want to fit in
around here, Nick,

you got to look like me,
you got to act like me,

you got to talk like me,
you got to be another me.

Okay, I'll do it.

I'll do it because
I love Mallory.

Why do you do it?

All right, all right,
okay, Jennifer. All right.

I've tried to appeal to
your sense of compassion.

I have no other option.

Ten dollars.

- $20.
- $12.

- $17.
- $14.50.

- $15.75.
- $15.25.

- $15.50.
- Done.

You guys are really
something, you know that?

You're a very special couple.

You do things together.

You, you learn from each
other, you share things.

Common interests. You
like being with each other.

What's your secret?

I never get my way.

Do you know that
I used to sit around

just thinking about what it
would be like if we got married?

Married?

Yeah! Yeah, I had the
whole thing planned out.

A-A big ceremony at
night under a big tent.

Like a circus?

Exactly. But instead of
walking down the aisle,

I'd get shot out of a
cannon toward the altar.

And then, uh, we'd
go on our honeymoon.

We'd go to Paris, where we'd
spend our evenings dining alone

on the banks of the Nile.

Skippy... the Nile's in London.

Mallory, if we've given
Alex more freedom

in his personal life,

it's only because he's
a boy and you're a girl!

Go ahead. I'd like to
hear the rest of that.

I can't believe you
just said that, Dad.

- Mal...
- Hang tough, hang tough. Looking good.

This is really nice.

Uh, you guys eat
like this all the time?

You mean with utensils? Ow!

What is this?! I
found it in the shower!

That's generic-brand shampoo.

It's family, Alex.
You can't escape it.

Yeah.

I'm hip. I'm cool.

I'm a happening fool.

I want to slow this
thing down, Elyse.

Going too fast.

Yesterday Jennifer
was two. Today she's 11.

Alex is 18.

What the hell's going on here?

It's life. That's
what's going on here.

I love you all so much.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

Alex loves me.

I love you, Dad.

I love you more every day.

I love you, too, Steven.

Everything I care about,

really, really, care
about is in this house.

Just think about how
we just love each other.

Just remember
those things. We do.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.