All language subtitles for Family Ties S06E03 Dear Mallory.DVDRip.NonHI.en.CBS.EN

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been
together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be
together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do,
baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do,
baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Uh-uh, Andy, that is
the last piece of cake.

I get half of that.

Have an apple,
it's better for you.

Thanks for caring, Andrew,
but I think I'll cut it in half.

- Oh, that's not half.
- Yes, it is.

You think that 'cause I'm small,

I can't see straight.

- Andy, we can share.
- No!

- I'll cut it in half...
- I'm telling Mom!

Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait.
This is embarrassing.

You guys fighting
over a piece of cake?

What difference does
it make if one piece

is slightly bigger
than the other?

None...

so long as I get it.

Mom, Dad, I got it. I got it!

I've been chosen to take over
the personal advice column

for the Columbus
Shopper's Guide.

- I'm going to be "Dear Mallory."
- Oh, honey.

- That's great!
- They picked me

over a hundred other applicants.

They said my sample answers
were warm, compelling, yet practical.

Uh-huh.

Great, Mal. Well, maybe
you can help us over here.

We're trying to decide
on how to share this cake.

- Hey, I get a piece of that...
- Mom!

Oh, wait! Wait, wait!

You've come to
me with a problem.

You've come to "Dear Mallory,"
and I won't let you down.

Sit, sit.

Okay, okay, how's this?

Jen, you cut the cake.

Andy, you get to pick
which piece you want.

That way, Jen will cut it fair.

That's absolutely brilliant.

Warm, compelling, yet practical?

You know, Steven, maybe we
could use that approach ourselves.

I could cut and you could pick?

Well, dear, we've done
so well for the last 20 years

with me cutting and picking.

Although it's a great idea, Mal.

I am a natural at this.
I better get started.

Look at all these
letters I have already.

- Oh...
- Oh, you can't actually look,

Dad, they're confidential.

Oh, let me look.

Well, I guess you're
family and all, so...

"Dear Mallory, I
need your advice.

"My partner doesn't
satisfy me sexually,

- and I was wondering..."
- Oh, Dad...

My advice is that
you don't read that.

Very wise, "Dear Mallory."

Alex, Alex, guess what?

I'm "Dear Mallory"!

Yeah, and I'm
"Adorable Alex." So what?

Ha, ha. No, you
don't understand.

I'm taking over the
personal advice column

for the Columbus
Shopper's Guide.

The column is
called "Dear Mallory."

Now, wait, wait, wait.
Columbus Shopper's Guide...

Isn't that that freebie
giveaway thing they have

at the checkout counter
at the supermarkets?

Uh, the one with
all the coupons in it?

That's right.

What are you so
excited about, Mal?

You're gonna be... you're
gonna be giving advice

to lowlife bargain hunters

who can't afford
to buy a real paper.

Alex...!

They're not lowlife
bargain hunters.

They're people, real people
coming to me for advice.

Mal, if these people were
willing to shell out a quarter,

they could turn to "Dear Abby."

I can help him.

And if either one of you...

need help, come to me.

I'm going to be very busy...

but I'll always
have time for you.

You're family.

Cut the cake.

Got a problem, Mal?

I don't have problems,
I solve problems.

I'm "Dear Mallory."

Is there anything
bothering you, Alex?

Mm-hmm.

"Dear Mallory."

Come on, Alex, talk to me.

Open up.

I sense that beneath that preppy
little exterior, there's a mass

of insecurities and
frustration waiting to pour out.

Yeah, Mal, that's why
I have this exterior.

To protect the rug.

Come on, Alex, I need practice

and everyone else in
the house is so sane.

I'll be your best friend.

Oh, that always
works with me, Mal.

That's because you don't
have any friends, right?

Mallory, why don't you
read me one of your letters?

Okay.

"Dear Mallory..."

I love the way that sounds.

"I am an extremely
pretty 19-year-old girl

with a knockout body..."

Go on. Please.

"I have a real
interest in money,

"and I'm searching
for a smart, cute,

21-year-old boy who
likes money, too."

We've got to help
these people, Mal.

And in order to help
them, we need an address.

Hasn't anybody started dinner?

Oh, yeah, Ma, I started it.

And then I decided against it.

Alex, it is your turn
to start dinner tonight.

Ma, how can you think of
eating, when there... when there's

a young woman in peril
at 3214 Douglas Drive?

Apartment 3C.

Mom...

Mom, maybe you can help me out.

I need practice solving
people's problems

before I publish
my first column.

- And?
- Well, is there anything

you'd like to talk about?

Anything bothering you?

Well, I'm hungry.

Besides that, anything else?

I'm thirsty, too.

Dad, help me out.

Any major problems in
your life you'd like to discuss?

Um... no, I got in
the door just fine.

Come on, Dad, think
hard. Anything at work?

- No.
- Physical problems?

- Nope.
- Marital problems?

- Well, sometimes your mother...
- Steven!

Mallory, I've been going
through some of these letters,

and most of them
seem pretty ordinary,

but I think I found one
you can use in your column.

Oh, great, great.

Yeah, it's really very touching.

"Dear Mallory..."

"I'm 18 1/2 years old,
and for the first time

"in my life, I have a boyfriend.

"But last night,
a friend told me

"that he's seeing
another girl, too.

"I can't stop crying.

What do I do?"

Signed, First Love.

Dad, it's just a letter.

I'm, uh... I'm fine.

I'm-I'm, I'm fine.

Great choice, Jen.

I'm gonna use this
in my first column.

Her first love.

Dad, be strong.

Oh, look, uh, why don't
we go in the kitchen

and get dinner started,

and leave the problem
solving to them?

I'm too upset to eat.

Well, I'm not! Move it.

What are you
gonna tell her, Mal?

I mean, I feel kind
of responsible.

I found the letter and all.

I don't know. I don't
know. Sit down.

Something like this:

"Dear First Love,

"There are plenty
of fish in the sea.

Looks like you may have
caught yourself a shark."

Ooh.

"So stop crying.

"First thing you've got
to do is find out if it's true.

"If he is seeing the other
woman, you've got no choice.

Cut him loose."

- That's good, Mally.
- Yeah?

That's good, that's good.

I would add, um, uh,

"And let him sink
into the slime."

But that's just me.

That's a nice touch, Alex.

What do you think
of my response?

I liked it,

but don't you think
it's a little rough?

Now, see, Jen, rough but fair.

You've got to give it
to these people straight,

or nobody feels like
they're getting helped.

I mean, how would you feel?

I don't know, I haven't
had my first love yet.

But when you do, you'll
come to me for advice, right?

For sure.

How's it going, Mom?

Well, I'm working on
the McPhillips house.

Still? I thought
you finished that.

What's the problem?

Well, it's really a problem
of balancing the spatial

and the structural logistics.

I mean...

Can we... do we just
sheer-wall the existing

elements, or can
we support the weight

of a cantilevered
terrace with...

with just poured
concrete grade beams?

I don't know.

Architecture got you down, Mom?

Here's a suggestion
for a quick pick-me-up.

Go buy yourself a new dress.

Something splashy;
something pink.

Buy me one too.

Make you feel better.

Always worked for
Frank Lloyd Wright.

- You see?
- Mm.

How's "Dear Mallory"
coming along?

Great. I've got Andy
helping out now.

Oh, that's cute.

How do you spell "grow up"?

Uh, G-R-O-W U-P.

How about "sink
back into the slime"?

Ask Alex.

I brought you a
present: the new issue

of the Shopper's Guide, Mal!

Yay! It's my first
"Dear Mallory!"

Where is it? Where is it?

It's, uh, it's right here,
Mal, it's right here,

right between "The
Weekend Grease Monkey"

and "Cora's Cut-Rate Corner."

Eh, uh, you know, that
"Weekend Grease Monkey"

is a hell of a column.

No need to tell us,
Nick. It's our favorite, too.

Yeah.

Oh, look, there's my picture!

Yeah, right between
Cora and the Monkey.

Let me read it. Here.

"Dear First Love, there
are plenty of fish in the sea,

and it looks like that you
may have caught a... a shark."

Whew.

Or what's this here?

Oh, uh, eh, uh,
that's your address

and, uh, that's your phone
number, Mrs. Keaton.

You know, you
should really know that.

I mean, in case you
get lost or something.

Mom, I put it in there.

If any of my readers
had questions...

You know, if anything
seemed unclear...

They could call or
write me directly here.

Well, that's something
Dear Abby's never done.

I am simply not into a cold,
aloof approach to advice-giving.

I am warm and accessible.

People need me,
and I'm here for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can vouch for that.

She's warm... and accessible...

Nick!

Please!

Please, Nick, it's bad enough
our phone number's in the paper.

Look,

what is to stop people
from coming up to our house

and knocking on the door?

Very little, it seems.

Yeah.

Are you "Dear Mallory"?

Well, I know what
your problem is, pal.

Slight gender confusion.

Well, that is on the list.

- That's "Dear Mallory" right there.
- Ah.

- I'm "Buffaloed Bill."
- Buffalo Bill.

"Buff... Buffaloed Bill."

- Oh, okay.
- My wife,

she orders me
around all the time.

Well, these are my parents,
Steven and Elyse Keaton.

Oh, Mr. Keaton, Mrs. Keaton.

Buffaloed.

Hello.

"Dear Mallory," it's for you.

I got it.

Hello. Yes.

"Dear Mallory"?

Oh, Mallory, am
I glad to see you.

You've got to help me.

You look tired.

I'm fine.

How many letters have
you answered tonight, hmm?

How many phone calls?

Oh, I stopped counting
after a hundred.

You're doing way too much.

I can't believe how many
hours you're putting in on this.

I know.

Mom, I've been working hard.

But it's worth it.

When you're in the
public eye, as I am,

your time just isn't your own.

You're so lucky to be

a complete unknown, Mom.

I don't... I don't
like to brag about it.

- ¡Hola! Hey!
- Hi, Alex.

Boy, how people can say
economics majors are dull

is beyond me.

Tonight, we watched reruns
of The MacNeil/Lehrer Report.

Then we started
quoting from Adam Smith.

At random.

And we finished up the
night by dancing on the table

and shouting out
commodities prices.

I'm surprised the cops
didn't bust in on you.

How many times do I
have to throw this thing out?

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, talk to her.

Yeah.

Well, she's your mother and
she deserves that respect.

Uh-huh.

Remember, we're
always here for you. Bye.

That's very good
advice, by the way.

It's instinctive, Mom.

Flows right out of me.

It's like there's
this little voice

inside my brain saying...

"Boy, you can see
for miles in here!"

I got it!

Hey, Mal, Mal, this is
getting a little out of hand.

You're giving
marital advice now?

Oh, Mom, the column's
been expanded.

Oh, I'm giving marriage
advice, legal advice.

I'm doing surgery
through the mail.

Mal, telephone for you.

It's someone calling
himself "Fed Up Freddie."

I told him it's a little
late to be calling,

but he says he really
needs to speak to you.

Oh, is he annoying.

Well, tell him it
is too late to call,

but he can come to the
open house tomorrow.

Great.

What... what open house?

Well, I figured it
would be a good idea

to have a, um... an open
house one night a week.

That way I can deal
with them one-on-one.

Uh, listen, Freddie?

She, uh... she can't come
to the phone right now.

But there's an open
house tomorrow.

Don't start with me, Freddie.

Yeah, well, I'm fed
up with you, too!

Mallory, I... I
honestly don't know

how you handle these people!

I-I find it completely
exasperating!

Dear "Disturbed Dad,"

if you let the little
things in life bother you,

you lose sight of
what you really have...

How much you
mean to your family.

She's good.

She's very good. I feel better.

It's really going well, Alex.
So many people showed up,

and I think we really
helped a lot of them.

Yeah, well, uh, I've
kept my area tidy.

Look, there are only
about 15 more minutes.

Maybe we should start moving
people towards the door?

All right, Mom, I'll, uh...
I'll get out the big net.

- Well, enjoy yourself tonight, Skipper?
- Uh, actually,

I'm a little overwhelmed,
Mr. Keaton. You see...

Well, I-I couldn't really decide

what problem of
mine to focus on.

So, uh, well, I've
been kind of hanging

around the "Generally
Nuts" area most of the night.

You can't go wrong there, Skip.

- Hi.
- Uh, hello.

I'm Andrea Neff. Are
you "Dear Mallory"?

Yes, but our open
house is almost over.

Oh, great.

I can't even time
my problems right.

I was hoping to have my
crisis earlier, like usual,

but wouldn't you know it,

tonight I got off
to a late start.

My kitchen blew up.

Let me help.

Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss.

Why don't you, uh, just
have a seat right by this sign.

Someone will be
around to help you soon.

Um, what seems to be
your problem, Andrea?

Well, you-you don't
know me as Andrea.

You know me as "First Love."

"Fi..." Yes! Hi!

I-I've been waiting to hear
from you! How did it go?

Did you talk to your boyfriend?

Yes, um, I...

You know, could you move this?

Oh, God...

I-I talked to him.

And? Did you
confront him like I said?

Were you firm with
him? Tell me everything.

Well, I-I did just
what you said.

I-I looked him right in
the eye and I said, "Billy,

are you seeing another woman?
"And he said," No, I'm not.

"But I hate being accused by you

and I never want
to see you again."

Oh, that's not good.

No. I didn't think so either,

but I-I wanted a
professional opinion.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.

Aren't you gonna fix it?

Um...

I don't think I can.

If I'd have come earlier,
could you have fixed it?

Look, maybe you're
better off this way.

I mean, maybe he wasn't
the right guy for you.

If he's so willing to leave you

- just because you asked him a question.
- Oh, no, no.

He doesn't mind questions.
It was just that one

that really bugged him.

Um, maybe you need
to find another guy.

You know, there are
plenty of them out there.

Oh, for you. Look at you,

you're gorgeous...
It's easy for you

to say, "Cut him loose,"
but not for me. I mean...

Look at you and look at me!

I-I'm not in a position
to make a stand like that.

How could you
give me that advice?

It was the best
advice I had to give.

- I-I just tried...
- I'm Mallory's mother,

and she was trying to
help you, believe me.

Well, what do you know?

You're gorgeous, too.

You're all gorgeous!

I mean...

Do you have any idea
what it's like being me?

Well, I might.

D-Do you know what it's
like sitting by the phone

- praying for it to ring?
- Yes.

Do you know how it
feels to have a blind date

show up at your door
and say, "I'm sorry.

There must be some
mistake." And he runs off?

Yes.

Do you know what it's like

to go to the prom as
a... as a hatcheck girl?

Yes.

You know, I'm
gonna kill this person.

I-I don't know what to say.

I-I'm... I know.

This is... this is
terrible, I know. I...

I should have written
to "Dear Abby." I...

Oh, that's the last time
I try to save a quarter.

Wait.

Um, do you want to sit
down? We could talk about it.

No, no, I'm fine.

He was the only
boyfriend I'll ever have,

and-and now my life's a wreck.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Wait, Andrea! Wait up!

You've been telling
us about your academic

and, uh, social
problems for... let's see...

two and a half hours now.

And you know what's amazing?

I haven't really
scratched the surface.

That's our sense of it, too.

Well, it's not like you guys
have said anything. I mean...

Can you give me some advice?

Yes.

Go home.

It's good advice, Skip.

Thank you.

Hey, boy, these... lovelorn
people sure eat a lot.

Finished all the dip.

Gouged the bowl a little, too.

What a night!

I never heard so many
problems, saw so many tears.

I can't believe how
many times I said,

"Would you like a Kleenex?"

- Hi.
- Hey.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Would you like a Kleenex?

Did you catch up with her?

Finally.

I tell you, this girl
had some problems.

Speed was not one of 'em.

- Well, what did you say to her?
- Mom,

I mean, there was... there was
really nothing to say, you know?

I apologized. But
what could I do?

I-I can't believe the
way this turned out.

All I wanted was for her

to be happy, for
them all to be happy.

That's so much like
you, honey; it really is.

I was really foolish, Mom.

I was really in
love with the idea

that I could help
these people, that...

that they'd turn to me
for help, you know?

I got carried away.

Well, you did get
carried away, but...

you don't want to
stifle that noble impulse.

It's such a beautiful
quality, honey.

Mom, I mean,
look at these letters.

I mean, can you
believe the subjects

I was trying to give advice on?

Marriage, aging...

agriculture.

You know, even
as a very little girl

you were always like that, Mal.

So sweet and
caring, always so...

so sensitive to other
people's feelings.

I remember one
time you came home

all upset and teary-eyed.

You couldn't have been
more than five, five and a half.

You said, "Dad, Skippy's
hamsters are biting each other."

Oh, Dad.

"And the lady
hamster's biting the man

more than the
man's biting the lady."

And I said, "Well, uh, maybe
that's what hamsters do."

You said, "How could that be?

"They're supposed
to love each other.

I have to have a talk
with that lady hamster."

And the next day you went
and talked to the lady hamster

and you came back
home and said, uh, "Dad,

they stopped biting each other!"

I said, "Good for you, Mallory."

You said, "Yeah. Now
they're biting Skippy."

I love a happy ending.

I wish I'd
remembered that story.

I might have stayed out
of the lovelorn business.

Now, don't be so
hard on yourself.

You made some mistakes, but,
hey, you gave some good advice.

Look, here...

"Dear Mallory, my
friends have moved,

"my relatives don't talk to
me, my husband left me.

What should I do? Signed,
'Desperately Lonely. ""

Now, what did
"Dear Mallory" reply?

Here, uh, "Dear Lonely,
do yourself a favor.

Stop your whining and learn
how to spell 'desperately. ""

I never wrote that.

Well, you were so busy.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.