All language subtitles for Schooled S01E05 Money for RENT 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-NTb_track3_[eng]

LAINEY: Back in the '90s
before schools focused on
the well-rounded student,

William Penn Academy
only cared about one thing,
sports.

Unfortunately, the same
was not true for the Arts.

Big news, theater kids!

I'm the new director
of the school musical!

Where's Ms. Cinoman?

Actually, she wrote
a play that's going
to be on Broadway.

Well, uh,
not on Broadway.

It's more of
an off-Broadway production.

In Tennessee.
What play did
she pick for us?

Got all the info right here
in the binder

she threw in my driveway
as she drove by.

Looks like it's
The Frogs by Aristophanes?

(ALL GROAN)

They only picked it
'cause it's old and free,

and theater gets, like,
no money from the school.

This makes no sense.

You're in the best
prep school in Philly.

For sports.
Not theater.

How do you not know
any of this?
You went here.

Because we did Phantom.
That show made me
want to be a singer.

We've complained
to Mr. Glascott.

Nothing happens.
Until now.

Time for me
to talk to him
and fix this.

You can't fix this.
Why not?

When I went here,
we did Andrew Lloyd Webber.

That play was huge for me.
What happened?

Ms. Cinoman paid for it
out of pocket.

The smoke machines?
The catering?

That helicopter we had
in Miss Saigon?

Yep, so your only choice
is to do something
old-timey and free

or a musical
without the singing.

You literally need music
for a musical.

Have you seen
the smash stage show STOMP?

They use mops and buckets
and garbage-can lids as drums.

They slap their faces.
It's magical.

You want my kids
to play garbage
and whack their faces?

That's your answer?

Look, our money goes to the
more important departments.

Like what?
(HORN HONKS)

Lovin' the new wheels,
Glascott!

It really helps to
show off the grounds
to potential recruits

like Roxborough Ronnie here.

What the hell?

Coach Mellor gets an absurd
helmet-mobile and recruits,

and I gotta get my kids
to slap their faces
to the beat?

You do know that sports
is the only way we raise
money for this school, right?

What about all
our alumni in the arts?

I bet they
donate plenty.
No.

Our artsy-fartsy graduates
are too busy making
hemp ponchos

in their parents' basements
to donate anything

other than their blood
for burrito money.

It's sad but true.

How are the parents
at this school
okay with any of this?

They all know if they have
a kid that excels in the arts
to go to Germantown Friends.

Pbht. More like
Germantown Farts.

(LAUGHS) Boom!

That's the kind of
sharp wit we need
at this school, Ronnie!

Godspeed, boys!

* One of these days
You're gonna get outta here

* Live your life
and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go
Do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" *

LAINEY:
It was February 13th,
1990-something,

day one of the most
awkward class every kid
was forced to take.

Hello, and welcome to
the state-mandated

boys' Health class.

Today's lesson, JAR.

"J" stands for jock.

Wear it to keep
your nuggets safe.

What about, you know,
girls and stuff?

Is "JAR" spelled with a "G"?

No!

"A" is for Aerosol.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey, John, are you busy?

Please, my door
is always open.

Except when I take my 11:00
break to eat my Kraft Singles.

That's my time.

Uh, so, listen,

I don't want to step
on any toes,

uh, but I really think
the boys' Health class

needs to be longer
than ten seconds

and not include
the word "nuggets."

Look at you tattling on
old man Mattis.

John, it's the '90s.

I mean, these kids have
real fears and concerns,

and as teachers, it's our job
to provide them with answers.

I'll talk to the guy.

It's not gonna be
an easy conversation.

Herb Mattis, report to
my office immediately.

No. I didn't mean
do it here with me.

He'll know who tattled.
Relax.

If anyone can grow
and change with the times,

it's good ol' Herb.

I quit.

But it's the middle
of the school year.
You can't just leave.

Good luck, narc.

Hey, I'm not a narc.

I'm a tattletale.

Which is cute
and harmless.

Well, looks like you just
tattled your way into

teaching the boys'
Health class.

You know what?
I'll do it.

Well, I admire
your bravery.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's 11:00 on the dot.

LAINEY: As CB
took over Health class,

my plan to help
the theater kids
was underway.

Hey, you got a sec?
It's super important.

(GROANS)
Awesome.

So, can you build me
a forest in ancient Greece

for less than 10 bucks?
No problem.

It's gotta be blue
and yellow,

'cause that's
the school colors

and the only paints
we have.
(GROANS)

Stupid Mellor
sapping all our money.

It's bullcrap.
It is what it is.

Around here,
football pays the rent.

Wait... Rent!

Oh, my God.
That's the answer.

We're gonna put on
my favorite musical.

Is it The Wiz?
No. Rent.

There's a show
called Rent?

It's hip and young
and speaks to teenagers.

One question,
how you gonna pay for it?

I'll just do the Cinoman
and charge it all
on my credit cards.

I really insist you
don't spend your own money.

But, unlike her,
I've picked a musical

that's guaranteed
to sell out.

I'll make all the money
back and more.

Mmm. That kinda
sorta makes sense.

So you'll put
money in, too?
No.

Hey, Coach!
We're coming for you.

You're coming to
the game, huh?

Fantastic!
But you better hurry

'cause tickets are selling
like protein powder.

I mean,
we're taking you on.
This is war.

Oh, I know it's war.

And you have my word,
our school is going to
destroy Germantown Friends.

No, wait. The war
is between me and you.

I was determined
to beat sports,

and CB was gonna use
his cool style

to enlighten young,
curious minds.

What up, my homies?

It's time to kick it and chat
about our changing bods.

This Health class is about
to get a makeover, dogs.

Totally informal rap session.

Just us boys
dropping knowledge
on the b and b's.

Yes, we have
our first question.
Hit me.

I'm very interested in
getting jiggy with it,

but how does one
exactly get jiggy?

Wow. That's quite
the question.

Maybe we can
build up to that.

All right, anyone else?

I would love some
afternoon delight,

but, like,
any time of the day.

That's more of an alarming
statement than a question.

What's it mean when
a baby's got back?

Okay, lotta stuff
flying at me here.

I would like a lady
to pour some sugar on me.

How do I make
that happen?

You guys listen to
a lot of pop music.

Is there anyone who has
a question that isn't related

to a filthy,
inappropriate song?

Lay it on me, pal.

So,
when I'm with a girl,

is it possible, you know,
to go (BLEEP)

to my (BLEEP)
real fast (BLEEP)

I'm (BLEEP)
like (BLEEP)

not (BLEEP)
but (BLEEP)
ticklin' (BLEEP)?

(BELL RINGS)

Okay, class dismissed.

Go.
Frolic in the sunshine.

Be the children
that you still are.

LAINEY: As CB failed
to deliver the goods
in Health class,

I was having some problems
making Rent.

(OFF-KEY)
* Nine-hundred ninety-five
thousand two-hundred... *

* One thousand
two million thousand... *

* One dozen six-hundred
eight-thousand minutes *

These poor kids have no idea
how much time is in a year.

They're not good.
You guys are so good!

Take five.
I tried to explain.

The football team wins
because they have money,

they have facilities,
they have scholarships.

Scholarships?
Yeah.

Can't win without
the best players.

How do you think deep thinkers
like Roxborough Ronnie
end up here?

Then that's
what we'll do.

They have ringers?
So will we.

The board's position
is pretty clear.

We don't do any
arts-related scholarships.

I get it,
football brings in money.

But you guys aren't
tapping into a market
bigger than football.

Bigger than football?
Let's see.

Well, I know
it's not soccer.
Hollywood.

Right now,
there's only one alumni

from William Penn
who made it out there.

Class of '71,
former drama club president

and character actor
Robert Picardo

who plays a hologram on
Star Trek: Voyager.

I love him!

Look, with enough
Robert Picardos,

this school could be
put on the map

as a training ground
for amazing actors,

musicians, singers,
who go on to make millions.

You just got permission
to give an arts scholarship,
lady.

Let me talk to Mellor,
and you are good to go.

(QUIETLY) Yes.

I hope you're happy,
Lainey Lewis.

Thanks to you,
our team won't get

that third-string
nose tackle

I was gonna poach
from Episcopal.

Third string?
He's not even gonna start?

You know what
this means, right?

This is war.

Yeah, I said that already.
Really? I don't remember that.

I literally said
to your face,
"This is war."

Eh, I thought you were
just making a sad joke
with no punch line.

Here's the punch line.

You just lost your backup's
backup nose tackle,

and I got a five-star recruit
to bring down the house.

Mmm, well, we shall see.

We shall see!

Not an exit.
It's just painted
on the wall.

War!

LAINEY: CB had failed teaching
the boys about their bodies,

so he decided to think outside
the box... With a box.

Before you is
an anonymous question box.

Drop in any Health class
related queries that
you have right now

and I will
answer them all.

Seriously?
Any questions?

I've realized that as long
as I don't put a face
to the horror show,

I can handle
anything you guys
throw at me.

So let's give it a shot.

**

Wow, that filled up fast.

Okay, first anonymous
question.

How long does
it take to sh...

Nope! Next!

And... Doo, doo-doo doo-doo.

No. Next again.

Nope!

(CHUCKLES) No!

Mmm-mmm.

I cannot unsee this.

Why?

(GAGS)

I can't do it. Ugh.

I can't do this.

There's something wrong
with those kids.

There's really not.
Just look in the box.

Charlie, you were right.

It's our job as teachers
to provide

the best information
for all of our students

to make sure that they're
safe and responsible...

Sweet Lord!
You have to answer this?

I'm not gonna.

Can a person
even do that?

You tell me.
I don't think they can.

Well, maybe with help?

Why would they even
ask that?

I told them they could
ask me anything.

You need
to burn this box,

and I need to go
back to church.

No, what we need
is Mr. Mattis back.

Just get advice
from Liz Flemming.

She teaches
the girls' Health class,

and she does
a fantastic job.

Health class will now be
taught by Ms. Flemming.

Thank you for your time,
and best of luck.

* You're living in America
LAINEY: CB had
admitted defeat,

but in the war between
arts and athletics,

I was about to
declare victory
thanks to my new recruit.

* You're living in America

* Leave your conscience
at the tone *

(DOOR OPENS)

All right, boys,
bring it on in.

Let's station up and pair off.

Whoa, whoa.
What the hell, dude?

We're in the middle
of practice.

So are we.
This is our new
weight room.

Good luck.
No, it isn't.

What can I say?

You inspired me
to go to Ball

and remind him we'd never win
the big homecoming game

unless we had a proper
weight training space.

You can't just
take my stage.

And I'm not.

But I do get the rest
of the gymnatorium.

So it looks like we'll be
building mass and girth
right next to you.

Well, you think
a few weights
are gonna stop us?

(SCOFFS)
The show must go on.

From the top, Ian!

All right,
let's bang it out, men.

I want your heels
on the ground.
* Don't breathe too deep

Arch that back.
(BOYS GRUNTING, GROANING,
WEIGHTS CLANGING)

That's it. Snatch it up.
There you go.
* Don't think all day

This is where
we do the work, baby!
Focus, Ian!

Just ignore the weird grunts
and horrible groans.

You got this.
I want your quads
screaming for mercy,

and there will be no mercy.

I want a bunch of dogs!
That's it! Up, up, up!

There you go, baby!
Two more!

Ah! Can you please
tell them to quiet down?

COACH MELLOR: No can do.

That guttural grunting
is honey in my ears.

* Just play the game

TOGETHER:
* And when you're
living in America

* At the end of the millennium

Whoa.
Holy crap.

* You're what you own

* The filmmaker
cannot see

Ronnie, don't even
think about it.

* And the songwriter
cannot hear

All you, Ronnie.

* Yet I see Mimi
everywhere

Dear God, he's good.

* Angel's voice
is in my ear

Bring it home, Ronnie!

* Tighten those shoulders

You're here to play
football, Ronnie!
You don't have to be!

* Just clench your jaw
till you frown

* Just don't let go
or you may drown

You can't sing
in a play, man!

I quit!

Ha!
* And when you're
living in America

(HARMONIZING)
* At the end of the millennium

(CHUCKLES)
* You're what you own *

Whoo!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome to theater,
Ronnie.

You want war?

You got it.

All right, ladies,
let's dive into moon cycles.

Great mother
of Madeleine Albright.

What is the meaning
of this?

CB said we have to learn
body business from you.

Okay, the boys and girls
do separate Health classes.

Okay, but why?

'Cause we talk about
the female form

and other sensitive subjects
that require privacy
and trust.

A safe atmosphere like that
sounds refreshing.
Hmm.

Also, do you cover how to
unhook a bra in a hot tub?

Get out!

So your solution
was to dump it
in Ms. Flemming's lap?

In my defense,
her lack of fear

or any
real human emotions

really makes her
an excellent Health teacher.

You can compliment me
all you want.

I'm still not taking over
your class.

Nor should you have to.
Look, we're teachers.

That means that
we dig down deep

because educators
can conquer anything.

Then it's settled.
You're a good man, John.

Wait, what?
No, I didn't mean
I'll do it.

Too late,
already been settled,
thankyoubyebyenow!

Thank you again for coming in
to talk to the drama kids,

Hollywood's
Robert Picardo.

My pleasure.
And you can
just call me Robert.

I live in Encino.

Wait, like Encino Man
with Pauly Shore?

Mmm-hmm.
Do you know him?

Oh, because all actors
know each other?

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I know him.

Well, I am just so happy
you came back as an alumni.

Really helps my case
that the Arts program
at this school is worth it.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Where's our set?
Didn't you hear?

We took it down
for the pep rally.

What?
I talked to
Earl Ball again,

made him realize
we'd get a better turnout
for the big game

if we held
a pep rally in here
on Friday.

Friday?
That's when our play opens.

Don't worry,
your production's
been moved to The Pit.

The Pit?
That's where the elementary
school kids eat their snack.

Well, you should've
thought of that

before you stole
my quarterback

and turned him
into Mandy Patinkin.

But this musical
has to be a hit.

I got Robert Picardo here
to sign autographs.

I am merely a vessel.

I also reminded Earl of
the very generous pro athletes

that will be attending
the game

like Mark Gubicza
and Dave Singletary.

Wait, those jackass bullies
are gonna be here?

I gotta go.

Robert, no! You're famous!
They'll pretend
to like you now!

I just lost my play
to a pep rally.

Hey,
it's nothing personal.

No need to cry at all.

Yeah, there is, dude.

I spent my own money
on that play.

Why would you do that?

There was no budget.
I didn't have a choice.

Your choice was not to
pay for it yourself.
It's just a play.

It's not just a play!

Look, back in high school,
I was lost.

I didn't care
about anything.

But then a whole new world
opened up for me
when I did a musical.

I didn't know that.

Do you have any idea
what it means to a kid

to find something they're
passionate about?

Of course. That's what
I want my athletes
to find in sports.

Well, I wanted my theater kids
to find that, too.

But it's not gonna happen
'cause you won the war.

I hope it feels good.

LAINEY: Mr. Glascott
was going to attempt
to reach the young men

in Health class
with a new approach,

misdirection and diversion.

All right, boys,
who's ready to learn?

I sure am.

Wait, are we having
a third teacher in two days?

For sure. Now let's delve
into your anonymous questions
about the human body.

Here's one.

"What is a hug?"

Aww, that's a good question.

That's what two friends do
platonically.

Oh, here's another good one.

"Should I ask my parents
any real questions

"I have about
my changing body?"

(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Yes, you should.

Um, I don't think
these are our questions.

Oh, sure they are.
Like this one.

"I think girls are nice."

(CHUCKLES)
Hey, me, too.

Screw this. I'll just learn
about this stuff from the
older kids on the bus.

Oh, God, no,
the school bus?

That yellow tin can
is filled

with tall tales
and misinformation.

Clearly, it's up to me to give
you the answers that you need.

Or I could use this.

You mean a computer's
gonna tell us stuff?

Oh, yeah.
The school just paid money

to connect us to this
new thing called the
World Wide Spiderweb.

Pretty sure that's not
what it's called.

You can type in
your questions...

(KEYS CLACK)
...and let the robots
inside answer it.

Wait, the computer will answer
anything we ask it?

Ask and show.
(CHUCKLES)

Crushed it!

(WHISTLING)

Hey.
Oh, no.

You quit the class
already?

Quite the opposite.
I solved the class.

I'm letting all those boys
get answers

from something called
"surfing" the Internet.

The Internet?
That's the thing
they had on Dateline.

Your panicked tone
is suggesting
I made a grave error.

Do you have any idea
what's on the Internet?

Colorful graphs
and weather updates?

And also everything else.

Those kids can see
everything.

I thought the Internet was
supposed to help the future!

That'll just ruin it!

We gotta stop
those kids.

(SLOW-MO) Go, go, go!

**

Nooo!

Stoop!

Die!

Wait,
what are you doing?

Just unplug it.

Oh.

Well, we did it.

Yeah.
We saved the children.

You really didn't.
We typed in "getting jiggy"

and all we saw was the top
of Will Smith's head.

That's what
you looked up?

We told you.
We don't know
what we're doing.

CB: Neither do we.

You don't know
how hard puberty is

for an adult man
to teach children.

It's true.
Nobody taught me this stuff.

I just learned everything
on the playground.

Well, get it together.
We need real help, man.

Our bodies are all
weird and pimply.

I got kicked out
of my boys choir!

I had no warning
this would happen
to my voice.

You think that's bad?
When I was in school,

I had incredibly hairy
feet and arms.

They called me
Teddy the Yeti.

My name is John.
(LAUGHTER)

I guess we forgot what
it's like to be in your shoes.

We're sorry
we let you down.

So... What now?

So now we teach you.

Together.

Hey, everyone's
headed to the gym.

Think you ought to
take a look-see.

No way.
To them it's a pep rally,

but to me it's the end of
everything I care about.
Hard pass.

Sure, I understand
how you feel.

Just the same,
you ought to take a look.

I really think
you're gonna like it.

**

(CHUCKLES)

**

My stage, it's back.

Attention Fighting Quakers,

I know you're all here
for a pep rally,

but there's more
to this school
than just sports.

Turns out,
we got a damn good
drama club.

These kids busted their butts
like it was the playoffs,

and they deserve
our support...

**

* Five-hundred twenty-five
thousand six-hundred minutes

* Five-hundred twenty-five
thousand moments so dear

* Five-hundred twenty-five
thousand six-hundred minutes

* How do you measure
Measure a year?

* In daylights?

* In sunsets?

* In midnights?

* In cups of coffee?

* In inches, in miles,
in laughter, in strife?

* Love

Rick, wait.

What you just did
was incredible.

Yeah, maybe.
No need to make
a big thing of this.

No, there really is.

I mean, you won the war,
so why help me?

Because there is no war.

We're on the same side
and that's inspiring these
kids to be great.

It doesn't matter if it's
on a field or on a stage.

Plus, you put up
your own money.

I know.
I won't do it again.

Well, you won't have to.
I talked to Ball.

We're gonna sell
that helmet cart,

cut back on the budget
a little.

Next time, you can put on
any play you want.

**

Thank you.

Okay.

* The bridges he burned

* Or the way that she died

* It's time now to sing out

LAINEY: Teachers
have tough jobs.

For low pay and almost
no recognition.

And sometimes it can feel
like the most impossible
job in the world.

It involves challenges
that can seem overwhelming

and sometimes
responsibilities
too heavy to bear.

* Remember the love

LAINEY: That's the great
thing about teachers.

When we fall,
we have others right there
to pick us up.

* Measure
Measure your life in love *

LAINEY: Teachers are a team,

and when we work together,
no one can defeat us.

I'm Tim Meadows.
I play John Glascott.

We're here with
the real John.
Hi.

What are the challenges of
teaching kids about puberty?

I used movies that... That
I thought would be helpful.

The Ladies Man? That movie?
Did you ever use that?

(LAUGHS)
It's a good movie
to teach teens

about the birds
and the bees.
Yeah, okay.

What was your least favorite
part of the job?

My least favorite part

was actually dealing
with the parents.

Ye... (LAUGHS)
The parents w-were tough.

Is it weird being here?
Is this like the school?

It looks a little bit
like it.

Have you seen
your office?

I have not.
Oh, it's very small.

You're gonna be
disappointed.

My office was very
small. Oh, yes!
Was it? Oh.

How do you feel about
being portrayed
on television?

To have you playing
my character,
I-I think is great.

I was surprised to see we both
have the same actual hair.

I can't grow any...
Anything else, so...
Me, either.

(BOTH LAUGH)