All language subtitles for 2023_Tribal-eng

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[dramatic
middle eastern stringer]

[high-pitched ringing]

WADE: Yeah,
we're going into Baghdad.

We're gonna take Baghdad.

The Army had been engaging
on the west side of the city.

They had
dropped some paratroopers

into the,
I think Baghdad airport.

So they had a foothold there.

But we were gonna come in
from the east and because 24

hours prior to that,
Intel had seen, or there had

been a public appearance of
Saddam Hussein with the crowds.

And there's footage of this.

I remember
watching footage later

on in years later afterwards.

It was like, oh,
timeline connected it.

He'd done his first, like,
outside of this famous mosque,

the rally is
Citizens and then taken off.

And that was the last known
place where the-- so we were

going to these palaces that had
been bombed to look for him.

[dramatic middle eastern music]

WADE: We came in from
the west side of the city.

And soon as
we got on the outside

the enemy,
the Fedayeen Troopers,

the Fedayeen were
these guys in black pajamas.

They were, you know,
Iraqis trained sort of

like paramilitary guys.

They blew up a oil tanker
to sort of try and get us,

but also to like,
sort of mark to the city,

"Hey, US is
in this side of the city."

And as soon as that thing went
on, it was like World War III.

I mean, I was in the back
of a high back Humvee 'cause

what it was me and
a couple other 51 that had

been making explosive
breach charges to blow doors

because we were like,
we're gonna hit a pallet.

We're gonna
have some big heavy doors.

We gotta blow some doors.

And so while we're
driving into the city before

we got to the actual city,
we were making explosive charges

in the back of a Humvee
with lights on our heads and

bumpy traffic,
you know, movements.

And then as soon as,
like, the shooting started,

we lift up the-- 'cause
we were in a clear sight.

It was like little
canvas-backed Humvee.

We open up the side
thing so we can see.

And I had my
night vision 7-Bravos on,

which is like
a monocle that covers both eyes.

So it's really bad.

You don't get depth
of perception or nothing.

And you just see all
of our IR lasers from

everybody's rifles
pointing everywhere.

And then you see all
the shots going and the tracers.

- [gunfire]
- WADE: It was like, intense.

- [gunfire]
- [tense music]

[indistinct shouting]

WADE: And what happened
was we got into the city and

the Abrams, I guess
leading the way got lost.

And we had to go back
through another, like,

we called it the gauntlet
because it was intense.

I mean, there was guys left,
right, center, above,

below shooting at us,
the whole battalion.

It was like a shooting
gallery for these guys.

And they just--
our battalion loved it so much

we went back through
it again because we had

to take another turn
to get to this palace.

Later on,
I think [indistinct] palace.

We came in the green zone,

and I think it actually was in

another documentary
called Gunner's Palace,

I think, from the video--
from the footage of that one.

I think I could say, yeah,
that's the same palace we hit.

MAN: All right,
let's go get ready.

- Go ahead.
- WADE: We fight.

And you know,
that fight starts probably

like three, four in
the morning or something.

I can't remember.
But we fight and we

finally get to the palaces

a few hours later
after taking casualties.

I know Alpha company lost
Gunner Sergeant Bori got shot in

the Humvee in the head,
and he was killed.

Then, you know,
everybody, every company took

casualties,
guys got shot in the back

of the AAVs,
RPGs were hit, and Humvees.

MAN: We just had
an RPG impact right next to us.

[gunfire]

Miraculously nothing,
you know, hit us. I mean,

my buddy's Humvee got hit
with a RPG and went through

the driver's window and hit

the driver's windshield and

blew out the windshield forward.

And it had hit like
his ISO mat or sleeping mat.

'Cause he had had it on
the side of this like thing.

And that ricocheted saved
I think a lot of people's lives.

It was just like crazy
stories like that happened.

MAN: Stay back, stay back.
We're good. Good.

One guy, one of the 81s
platoon sergeants, he got shot.

He was wearing
a tanker's helmet 'cause had

to be audio into the AAV.
And he got shot.

And the bullet literally
skipped over his head and went

out the other side.

He had like
the burn mark from it.

And you could see
like the Kevlar helmet.

You could see
the scratch mark from where

the bullet
just went out that way.

Couldn't believe it.
You know,

like there
was stories like that.

And we got to the palace
and we breached inside,

got inside the palace,
it was abandoned.

We had JDAM it weeks prior.
Wasn't much into it.

But as soon as we got in there,
then the Fedayeen tried

to-- they were really
attacking position then.

And the mosque
was still a block away.

And that was Alpha
company's objective,

was to go clear the mosques
to make sure he wasn't there,

which I don't think
he was gonna be there.

So they go and as
they're attacking the mosques,

you know, the Fedayeen
really just poured on us.

They're trying to overrun.

But we had eight tens
come and shoot their gun on

the streets,
which was really cool to see.

[imitates gunfire, laughing]
Just stopped right there.

[dramatic music]

WADE: And since we have weapons

that we can hop frequencies and
get on like the Aircom channels,

but you'd see it and you'd
see it coming and lining up.

And then you'd see it literally
see the cloud of smoke.

And then you'd see
the jet literally slowdown

in space and in the air.

And then you just hear
the [imitates gunfire] of

the actual gun we got going.

That shit tore those boys up.

I mean, that gun is a badass.

It's a badass gun,
badass weapon.

Having that come in,
you were like phew!

And then I remember we,
you know, 'cause we had

invaded this palace,
so there was ten, 12-foot walls

that we were sort of behind,
but we were getting on positions

on palace roofs and
stuff like that to get eyes on

the alleyways and the roads
to fight these guys off.

And I remember
we had a Chinook come in.

Our FACA called in a Chinook to
get casualties and prisoners out

and also drop off ammunition and
medicine and stuff like that.

So I remember it came
down and it was like small

courtyard because
all the explo-- like

from the JDAM there
was like a lot of debris.

And it like had
its tail down, basically.

Picked up the casualties,
picked out some box of ammo.

And then
I remember it getting up,

and then I see RPGs fly by it.

You're like, whew,
that could've been dangerous.

Like if Chinook go down that's
the most vulnerable position.

Once it gets to like
that it's going down.

But yeah, so the pilot
took a face maneuvers.

I think they loaded up
Gunny Bore's body on that one.

But yeah, you know,
we had a good firefight.

A good firefight that morning
into the early, you know,

afternoon things sort of quieted
down and started doing patrols.

And we started, you know,
fortifying our position.

[high-pitched ringing]

[dramatic middle eastern music]

♪♪♪

[music fades]

JOHN: I didn't
have a lot of direction.

I graduated high school.

Of course,
a lot of the really good

friends I have from back then,
I still have now.

But it was a lot of just getting
up every day, going to work.

I worked at a jail
before I joined the Army.

I went to
college the first time.

And like a lot of
people that joined the military,

we weren't-- I wasn't
mentally prepared or,

you know, emotionally prepared.

I was still a little, just
a little juvenile in actions.

But it was like everybody else.

You're just kinda ignorant
to anything you're gonna

go through whenever
you get in the military.

So it was just living life
every day, like I said, going to

work and playing with friends,
hanging out, seeing family.

WADE: You know,
just typical suburban life.

Played baseball as a kid,
you know, sports,

had my brothers
ran in the neighborhood,

got in trouble, you know,
all the usual, all usual things.

And then, you know,
around middle school and high

school started exploring
more and doing things my way.

And I always knew I was gonna
join the Marines, you know.

Young in high school I knew
I wasn't ready for college.

I didn't have the maturity,

if that's
possible to think like that.

I don't know.
I just knew it wasn't for me.

And so the Marine Corps
for me early on was something

I wanted to do at least.

And, you know, having my father
serve in Vietnam as a pilot in

the Air Force, he wasn't too
keen on me being in the Marines.

'Cause his last tour of duty
he was repatriating the remains

of servicemen to Dover,
Delaware from Vietnam.

And so he definitely didn't want
me be in the Marines, but...

OMAR: I guess
I was just a normal

mischievous kid,
you know, liked to explore.

I know we went
fishing quite a bit.

Went down to the river and just
had fun as much as we could.

We didn't have a lot of money.

So whenever those
times came that we were able

to get out,
you know, we made the best.

It's just gonna sound
silly and posterous I guess

but just watching Rambo
and Predatorand stuff

like that made me wanna join.

We had various engagements
then on my third deployment.

This was during
the surge of 2006, 2007.

And my unit was sent to Baghdad.

On that deployment,
I earned a silver star

and my first purple heart.

MAN: Oh, damn!

[indistinct shouting]

[gunfire]

OMAR: We were
out on a joint patrol

with the Iraqi national police.

And I was in charge
of a small team of INPs.

[camera shutter]

So we were set
up on like at a T intersection.

The enemy
was behind us roughly 100,

200 meters if that.

And as we were
setting in,

we started
receiving fire from the rear.

And I was shot.

I was shot in my right thigh.

And then two of my
men were shot as well.

[gunfire]

I didn't realize
they were shot until I moved to

cover behind those walls
that I was instructing the INPs

to return fire when I noticed
that I was missing two of them.

I returned some fire
to kinda like keep the bad

guys' heads down 'cause
they were still getting shot at.

And I ran out and I dragged
one of 'em, one of the INPs,

and I went back out there
and was still getting shot at.

I picked up the other
guy and carried him.

And I put him behind the wall
returned some more fire.

And my squad leader
finally got to me and

was trying to patch my leg up.

Though I was
shot and just bleeding,

like, just drenched in blood.

But, again, I wanted to
make sure my guys were good.

They did have multiple shots.

One guy was shot in
his back and in his arm.

The other guy was shot
in his belly and his leg.

Everything was slow motion.
Everything was slow motion.

And, you know, the guys
that saw what I did were like,

"Dude, you were,
you know, moving so fast.

And it looked like
we were watching a movie."

And me, I felt like
I wasn't moving fast at all.

Like I had
sandbags weighing me down.

But my guys weren't
heavy when I picked them

up or when I dragged them.

But I felt heavy.

I couldn't tell
you what I was thinking.

It was just
get to them, you know,

get to them and bring them home.

And a lot of people,
you know, would tell me

like, "Dude,
like, why'd you do that?

You're crazy. Those
guys aren't American."

But they were fighting.

They've been fighting
beside us for a few months.

And, you know,
you get to know people.

You eat with 'em,
you sleep with 'em, you know,

you sweat with 'em,
you bleed with them.

And it doesn't matter
if they were Americans or

from Mars or whatever.

They were my guys.

[soft pensive music]

On my second deployment,

something very,
very significant did happen.

I received my citizenship,
so I accomplished the mission

that I initially set
off for and becoming a citizen

and earning my citizenship.

And of all places,
I received my citizenship in

Iraq, in Baghdad, in one
of Saddam Hussein's palaces.

And yeah, it was awesome.

So initially on my first
deployment, my resident alien

card had expired and
the guys would mess with me,

like, "Dude,
you're gonna get deported.

Instead of going home,
you're gonna go to Mexico."

And I was freaked out 'cause
I didn't know anybody in Mexico.

You know, all my family's here.

And we tried the process
for the citizenship.

And then before
my second deployment,

I had taken
the picture and everything.

And during--

If I'm not mistaken,
like we were coming back from

a mission and I found
out that I had to go to

Baghdad to
receive my citizenship.

♪♪♪

OMAR: So they
had an actual ceremony.

I wanna say it was over,
maybe over 300 people.

It was quite a bit.
Quite a few folks.

It was just awesome.

'Cause President Bush
gave a speech to us.

And I just
felt like I've done it.

[high-pitched ringing]

The day that I was
injured... [sighs]

we had aerosoled out
around two o'clock at night.

We rode in a Chinook
out to the middle of nowhere,

into a valley,
and walked for a couple

hours to set up on a coot.

We were out on a mission, it was
called Operation Shark Attack.

It was gonna
last like a week or so.

And it was not
long after Bergdahl had

gone missing in '09.

I think,
by the way, a crow flies.

We were 20 miles or so,
I think away from the FOB

that he was--
that he absconded from.

But we were out to search
every coot, house,

tent, nomad, whatever.

Everything that we came
across for any kind of intel

weapon or whatever.

It may not have
been strictly related to

Bergdahl through
the private network,

but the higher OPs knew
a little bit more about that.

So we were aerosoled out,
slept in a ditch that night.

It was the first time I had
legitimately slept in a ditch.

We woke up, had a brief
firefight that morning,

and then made it to the first
coot, searched the entire coot.

And we were there for
about two hours too long.

As soon as our fighter
pilots checked off station,

we came under fire.

And as soon as
we started receiving fire,

I rolled onto all
fours from the sitter position.

And an RPG landed under my face.

[loud blast]

[dramatic music]

JOHN: You know, I got really
lucky, to say the least.

I caught the spinoff
of the shrapnel and

the explosion kinda
gave me a brain injury.

But, you know, I was conscious
through pretty well all of it.

Got to run
out to the bird after.

And if I got
to meet the Medevac pilot,

I'd love to shake his hand.

'Cause he landed
under heavy enemy fire.

It was a little
while after I was hit

that set against
the wall for a while.

The first medic that got to me,
Lauren Pearson,

later Lauren Haskins,
she made it to me,

took care of me until
the Medevac Bird got there.

We actually lost her,

I think, three or four
years after our deployment

where demons kinda
got the better of her.

And, yeah, Lieutenant Lyon
ran me out to the bird.

He tried to
get me to be carried off,

and I said that I'm not being
carried off, I'm running off.

So he picked me up,
put my arm around his shoulder,

and we ran out to
the bird and got to take

off like an episode
of M#A#S#H.

It was great.

[helicopter whirring]

♪♪♪

Yeah. So I had my M4 sitting
next to me on the bipod.

I had just eaten my
first MRE in two or three days.

It was just, we were so
burnt out on MREs that I mean,

I lost close to 80
pounds on deployment, at least.

It was pretty great,
great for myself.

But the moment
that we came under fire,

kinda like the first firefight,
you just take cover.

So I rolled onto all fours.

And as soon as the RPG
hit it was just black,

I was able to stand up.

And as the lights
started coming back,

I could see some dust and blood
pouring over, like a bad movie.

So I knew something was wrong.

And my buddy Kat Nao was
on the exact opposite side of

me from where I was,
where the RPG impacted.

Thankfully, he got a few
small lacerations to his arm.

Years later,
I found out that he actually

rode the Medevac
helicopter with me.

I didn't tie two and
two together until I got

to take my
Lieutenant deer hunting

years ago and really
recap on what happened.

But I could
see the blood coming over,

made it over
to the wall called for medic.

My buddies got
the medic down there to me.

And she covered up my
face with some gauze,

was, you know, just tending
to me as Lieutenant Lyon,

just, you know, our hero.

He was running back
and forth directing fire

from three squads.

I can't say enough
good things about him.

He kept running by
asking if I had been

hit with morphine yet.

And finally just told
our medic to give me morphine.

And it felt like you hit
the bottom of a roller coaster.

I asked her to
never do it again.

It was-- I didn't really
feel a lot of pain.

My face was lacerated
from side to side from the nose

over to the right
side of the eyebrow.

My eye, we couldn't
tell at the time it had been,

you know,
cut in half a couple muscles.

My tear duct kinda
had shrapnel everywhere.

And then, of course, I had
the bleed on the brain, but all

I could do was feel pressure,
which maybe it was shock,

maybe it was just-- thankfully
I couldn't feel the pain.

But, you know,
and then I just sat there,

listened to my guys, you know,
lay down fire and get after it.

And sat there for a while 'til
medevac was able to come in.

Like I said,
I was able to run out

under my own power
and get on the bird.

And then we made it to
the first medevac station

in FOB Shank
where I was checked out.

Kat Nao actually came in because

I screamed like a little girl

whenever they were checking
me for blood everywhere.

It was kind of funny,
screamed like a little girl,

but it was still,
still pretty bad.

And then,
you know, I was medevaced

all the way
to Bagram for surgery.

I was asked in Shank to call my
folks, tell 'em what happened.

I didn't want to tell 'em.

A month earlier I'd hit an IED

and I didn't
wanna call my parents,

but I had to call my dad.
They made me.

And I told him,
"Hey, Dad, I hit an IED today.

I'm fine. I just missed-- like,
tore some muscles in my chest."

A couple weeks later,
I hit my second IED.

That one wasn't very bad at all.

We were transporting
spaghetti for our third platoon.

We got to go and take showers
for the first time in a month.

And we were bringing
hot shower to the guys.

And when we hit
the IED I was the only

one in the back of that truck.

And it just threw
spaghetti and marinara sauce

or ketchup
in the army everywhere.

So I got out of
that truck and I was covered in,

you know,
ketchup and everything.

But yeah, my second IED I didn't
have to call my folks.

After being injured from
the RPG, they asked me to call

my parents at FOB Shank,
the first medevac station.

I wouldn't do it.

Got to Bagram.

Before they even
talked about doing surgery,

they asked me to call
my parents and I said no.

The third time was
right before I went into

surgery to have my eye removed.

The surgeon came in
and told me I had to call my

parents or they were
gonna call 'em for me.

So I called my dad.

It was two or three
o'clock in the morning in

the United States in the Midwest
and got to wake him up.

Say, "Hey, Dad, it's Michael."

He is like, "Yeah, I know.
What do you want?"

You know, 'cause
I understand he's sleeping.

But yeah, I got to tell him,
"Hey, Dad, I got hit.

Might lose my eye.
They're gonna try and save it."

I had a lengthy argument
with the surgeon, with a few

threats in there
because I'm young and dumb.

And asked him to call
Mom and tell her what happened.

And not long after that,
I think the entire,

you know, my entire hometown
of a thousand people knew,

but went through surgery.

They did take out my eye.

Woke up to a priest
giving me my final rights.

I told him, "Hey, bro,
I'm not done yet." [chuckles]

And then just sat there.

You know,
I'm in Bagram's Hospital.

I can't do anything combat-wise.
I'm not any good to my guys.

And was just
waiting for the next step.

That's where--
Sat there for about a day.

And then we loaded up and
flew to Landstuhl in Germany.

And then long after that,
we flew to the United States

to Walter Reed to
be in the hospital for

almost a year and a half.

Going to appointments,
going through occupational

therapy, rehabbing
for my injuries.

[tense music]

WADE: My platoon commander,
Lieutenant Glover,

was very aggressive
and very interested

in getting into fights.

And I remember one morning we

were in Fallujah,
waking up on the squawk box.

We were kinda like--

Half of us were on awake,

half us were sleeping at night

sort of doing that.

And I remember
he comes to the squawk box,

which is like
little speaker in the NVA.

He's like, "They put
a roadblock up down by

this mosque on Michigan.
We're gonna go pick a fight."

I said, "He just say that?"

He said we're
gonna go pick a fight.

It's like four in the morning,
five in the morning.

Like, ah man, okay.
So we get on the road,

go to Michigan, we push
down to where the mosque is,

and then
the T section is route Violet.

And they create
this little like, I mean,

it's like a couple tires and
a couple obstacles or whatever.

And as soon as we get
down there an RPG flies over

the truck behind us,
this hood blows up.

And then it was game on.

They basically just
tried to ambush us from Violet.

Well, in the Marine Corps,
we're taught,

if you're in ambush,
you push through it or

you take the fight to the enemy.

So we lead gun truck.

We literally face down
Violet and just gunning down

Violet towards these
people shooting at us.

And there's a guy,
Haze, our 50 cal machine

gunner in our truck,

he cut 'em in half.

He was behind a bulldozer
blade shooting at us.

And then the rounds--
[imitates shouting, falling]

And then, like,
I realized that we're

in an ambush, like, on Violet.

'Cause I see, like,
I don't think they were

expecting us
to come down as fast.

They were like scrambling to get
behind barriers to shoot at us.

I remember a guy
with a PKM is, like,

behind these concrete blocks.

And I see him trying
to line up his shot and

I start shooting him.

I just remember my peripheral
vision seeing RPGs flying over

our hood and like,
and we're gunning it.

And then
you hear the squad like,

"Turn around, gun one,
turn around, gun one."

Me, Peter,
was our driver,

when we took
that turn onto Violet,

we're pushing down,
he'd gotten shot.

We didn't know what happened.
He's like, "Ah, my ass hurts.

My ass hurts." And we're like,
"Just keep driving.

Keep driving."
And he's like, "It's on fire.

Is anything on fire?
Am I on fire?"

I'm like, "You're
not on fire, dude."

'Cause I'm back right.
And I see that he's got

blood on his ass.
I'm like, "You got shot.

It must have been
through the firewall.

You're fine. It's not
like spurting or anything.

Just sit on it. You'll be fine."

But like then that squawk box
was like, "Gun one turn around.

Gun one turn around."

And he's like,
"Turn the fuck around.

Turn the fuck around."
And I remember this, like,

almost like a-- it had to
be from like Hollywood movie.

I remember we turned
around and you see the whole

platoon up on route Michigan.

We were the only truck
that had gone down Violet

to fight with these guys.

And then I remember turning
around RPG smack in the road

in front of us and some of
the guys in the other gun trucks

and the other trucks were like,
"Dude, I just remember you guys

disappearing behind
clouds were like RPG explosions.

And then
driving through it, like,

it was like a Hollywood movie."

Like us coming through
the smoke clearing

still in one tack,
you know, like in one piece.

And we're just, you know,
firing our way down Violet.

And so we link back up
with a platoon on Michigan and

the platoon
commander's like, "Hey--"

Glover's like, "Hey,
we're gonna call for tanks.

We're gonna go
down there and clear it.

Don't do that again."
[laughing]

And so he calls up
tanks and tanks come up finally.

They're so slow.
And they're like, so...

I'm like,
"You guys are an armored tank.

We have nothing
here and we're fighting."

We call the tanks up.
And then we start pushing down.

And now what's gonna
happen is we were, you know,

we were on this side
of the city in Fallujah.

We had now taken up to Michigan
and now we had to clear West.

So Alpha and Bravo
company now had to start

clearing west of all
the ground we had just

taken on Michigan so
our flank wasn't exposed.

And so they start clearing
and we push down Violet to do

a blocking
position to hold Violet.

And it's pretty kinetic.
There's fighting,

our tanks are shooting
its main cannon,

and stuff like that.

[loud blast]

WADE: And we're like,
"Hey, [indistinct].

He-- you know,
he's good for now.

He's sitting on the wound,
but he'll need to be medevac'd."

So we hold the line for
like maybe an hour or two before

Alpha and Bravo come
we can finish clearing

all the buildings
that are south of us...

[gunfire]

...of bad guys so they can take

this now new position.

And that's our,
you know, line of--

anybody in front of that,
bad guys. Kill 'em.

MAN: All right, let's
watch each other's back, baby.

Watch each other's back.

- Go! Go!
- [indistinct shouting]

Roof is clear.
We got roof.

WADE: Yeah,
that was a crazy day.

It got pretty kinetic
real fast.

[pensive music]

OMAR: So later on that day,

we made another movement.

And that's
whenever I got injured.

My weapon squad
leader was shot in the head.

[gunfire]

And I went to
try and retrieve him so that my

medic and I can work
on him and I can call it in.

And as I was dragging him,

the ground
collapsed underneath us.

And we fell roughly 50, 60 foot

into a [indistinct]
into a hole.

♪♪♪

You couldn't tell
there was anything there.

Like it was covered up,
camouflaged so, so good.

So good even
that the weapon squad

was posted
up almost on top of it.

And there was a small
little berm that I wanted

to get my weapon squad
leader behind so it could

provide us some sort
of cover or something.

'Cause there were
still rounds coming in.

And as I was dragging him,
I can remember, like,

the rounds coming in
around us like a cookie cutter.

They were just
landing around us,

but not hitting us,
thank God.

And I remember that there
was another guy that was shot

as well, through the femur.

And again, it was three injured.

I think I remember
exactly what I was thinking.

I was thinking like,
man, it's gonna be, you know,

booby traps, it's
gonna be some punchy sticks.

[exhales]

And everything with
me seems like forever, right?

Like when we fell,
I just, I felt like I was

falling for an eternity.

Like I had
time to think about, man,

there's alligators in there.

There's explosives down there.

There's-- you know,

any type of
scenario that you can

possibly think of
probably went through my

head at that time
just thinking about it.

And I remember
hitting the ground and just

instantly feeling
an enormous amount of pain.

And soon as I hit the ground,
my weapon squad leader

landed on top of me.

And so I had not only my
weight but his on top of mine.

♪♪♪

We could barely,
barely fit in there.

And I remember having
to call up and let the guys

know that we were in there.

They seen us fall and I remember
having to assess Bouchard's

injuries, having to see
if he was alive, if he was okay.

But I guess with all the pain,

we were both in
and out of consciousness.

[brooding music]

OMAR: I fell straight down.

I felt like I hit so hard.

And maybe, you know,
you talking about close to

500 pounds of
meat and gear impacting.

My fib, tibs broke.

I have so much hardware
in there right now and they had

to split my-- my legs
open in order to save them.

'Cause there was a possibility
that I would lose them.

We were in that hole
for roughly two hours.

JOHN: And so
we secured that site.

I had Saddam's
revenge that night, again.

WADE: So I stayed
up on the turret

the whole night
for my truck.

'Cause I was like,
"I can't sleep.

I'm puking shitting myself,
so it'll be fun."

- [loud blast]
- WADE: And I remember the first

mortars that came in
and they hit and it was

early light,
like just first light.

They weren't near us,
but we're like,

"Hey, sir, I think
we're getting bracketed."

Bracketing is when
you shoot a mortar and

you sort of adjust
and you shoot again.

Kinda-- okay,
now where are we going?

[loud blast]

WADE: So the two commander's
like, "Hey, yeah,

let's mount up.
Let's start moving

our gun truck positions.

Let's move." And as
we're doing that a mortar

lands in between
our truck and the high back,

which the high back
has no arm in the back.

It's literally an open,
like, bench seat.

And guys are just
hanging out there and

they get pepper shot and all.

So then now we have casualties.

So Lieutenant Glover's like,
"Hey, we're gonna have

to call this one out.

We're gonna have to bounce.

We're not gonna
hold this position."

'Cause what we were
gonna have to do was hold

that position
until they could get

like a wrecking crew out there

with a big 18-wheeler
flatbed truck that they--

with a crane, that could pick
that [indistinct] put it on

this truck thing and
then haul it out of there.

That's got like two or
three days' worth of sitting

around in the desert
waiting for that to happen.

And we had a similar
mission later on that sucked.

So he's like, "Hey,
we're gonna call it in.

They're gonna have
to blow it in place.

They're gonna have to
drop a JDAM on it or something."

Just 'cause we have casualties.

And as we get together
and we start pushing down

out on this road,

we take this road and that's
when the real ambush happens.

We're in this road
that's literally lined

up with just reeds.

Deep, deep, deep gullies
and reeds 'cause it's farmland.

So they have
this natural defense

that they can hide in and
they just start chewing us up.

And we're pushing
north through this town,

this little itty bitty town.

And it's bad folks in there too.

They're waiting for us,

RPGs, all that sort of stuff.

And we fight
our way through that.

Somehow in the firefight,
our crypto and our radio gets

kicked and it drops.

So we're only able to
talk on unsecured comms

to the other trucks.

And the rest of its-- our
private channel's just garbage.

We can't communicate
with the rest of the platoon.

But anyways,
so I think we have to

fall back in and let
someone else take lead.

And the whole goal is
to get to the cloverleaf.

That's casualty
collections point.

And we're a few clicks away.

We're like 20 minutes away.

As we're driving
through that firefight,

Boye is in one gun truck
and he's in a high back,

but he's on a mounted-- he has
his light machine gun saw.

[brooding music]

WADE: So he's on
the top of that Humvee,

basically pretty exposed,
shooting.

And an RPG hits and hits
his leg and cuts

his femoral artery,
I believe.

And he dies that day.

♪♪♪

WADE: He fought
through that ambush.

I'm sicker than
hell at Saddam's revenge.

So I'm, like, totally,
like, just beasted out on me,

like nothing in me.

I'd fired all my rounds.

I had like 14 or 16 magazines.

I'd gone through all my ammo.

We fought in that fire really.

And we get to
the cloverleaf and we give

Boye to the medics.

And they're trying
to do the resuscitation.

I didn't really observe.

I was away from
that looking at other things.

And then we go from
the cloverleaf back to our soda

factory where we're
sort of staging our operations

and all of our trucks
have like a lot of damage.

So the mechanics are
working on our trucks to

keep us operational.

And that's
when Lieutenant Glover...

[somber music]

...he called us together,

let us know Boye didn't make it.

♪♪♪

The day was still
young and we were still QRF.

And I think it was
Charlie Company's AAV,

it might have been Bravos.

One of them they had
pushed past Violet.

They were doing like a little
patrol mission and their AAV,

I think got disoriented or
whatever and it went past Violet

and it got ambushed
and got mobility kill.

The driver,
he got hit with a couple RPGs.

The driver was killed instantly.

The lieutenant and
the platoon commander

had a, basically, RPG
that was like a armor piercing.

So it basically turns into
liquid hot copper and burns.

He had gotten
a critical hit through his leg.

Luckily it cauterized his wound

so he didn't bleed to death,
but he was done-zo.

So his guys got out
and took over a building

next to them where
the AAV was immobilized.

[gunfire]

And then
they were getting overrun.

And so we as QRF
have to spool up

and we go in there
to try and get 'em out.

We get out to that location
and it is very kinetic.

It's a hornet's nest.

They're trying
to overrun those 'cause it's--

they want
that AAV for propaganda.

They wanna
kill that platoon

and get shown
on Al Jazeera news.

And so Glover calls up
the Abrams tanks

and is like, "Hey, you guys are
towing this thing outta here.

Figure out how to rig
this thing for tow

but you're
towing it out there."

And I just remember hearing
like the Abrams tanks guys

were like, "Well, it's getting
dark." So he is like...

He's like, "We're out here.
You're in an armored vehicle.

I don't wanna hear it.
You're rigging this thing

for tow and you're
pulling it out here.

It's not gonna be used.
There's a dead marine in here.

You're not leaving him."

And so we were
holding down the position

and I think
it became too dangerous

for our Humvees
'cause we had an RPG

hit under
our vehicle and blow us up.

And we were
all sitting there and quiet

and like,
"Nobody's injured. Nobody's--

And Lieutenant Glover's like,
"Hey, pull the Humvees back

and just
hang out this phase line

and we'll come
to you and pull this out."

So we got the AAV
outta there that night.

And it was a long day.

In between Boye's
death and, you know,

us responding to that
QRF call, I had been, like,

given a bunch of IVs
'cause I was just done.

The medic--
the Corman was like, "Hey,

you need some liquids."

And so they've put me
like four or five bags

of IV and I was
still barely hanging on.

I was real sick.
That was a long day.

That was a tough one.

You know, but I think
what shown was the leadership

of my platoon commander
and he was like,

"We can sit around
and wallow about it

or we can
continue our job."

And I think that was the best
thing for the platoon, you know.

Boye's death really affected
the platoon I know that.

Universally loved, you know.

I remember
in Okinawa he'd gotten

in a drinking incident
and we were only there

for like three months,
but they have this unique thing

in Okinawa called CCU,
Correctional Custody Unit.

And he'd gotten
sent there because he'd gotten

another NJP
busted down a rank.

And in CCU what they do
is they take small rocks

and make 'em
into smaller rocks

and move those smaller rocks

across
the parade deck in bags.

Like, that's all they do.

Then they'll move
the other rocks and break 'em

with hammers,
make 'em smaller,

put 'em in sandbags,
and bring 'em up.

That's their days of activities.

And they march
around like bootcamp

and it's like
real crappy to be at CCU.

I remember he being
lunched in the chow hall,

and we were
already combat vets,

and we'd make fun
of like the MPs

that were guarding and
we'd get him in so much trouble.

[laughing] We would
just talk to his guards

tell 'em they're, you know,
pussies, pogues, you know.

And they would
just take it out on Boye.

[laughing] But, yeah,
Boye was just loved, you know.

He could sing,
he could sing his ass off.

Dude could play a guitar.

[somber music]

Sparsky,
this is when Sparsky

really started
to shine as a sergeant.

You know,
cold as ice on the comms,

not freaking out
when we're in an ambush,

just being like, "Yeah,
contact, right," blah, blah.

Just like monotone.

Like, I don't know.

I'm behind him,
but it's like...

I'm shooting and shouting.

You know,
like at some points

it's pure terror
in those ambushes.

And it's a miracle, like...

I mean, our Humvee
was riddled with holes.

We had RPG blasts
in it, we had--

It was amazing
how that truck looked

at the end
'til it got blown up.

But yeah, Fallujah
then the sad thing was is,

you know, after that day,
a couple weeks, days later,

maybe a couple days
they came and told us

that we were
pulling out of Fallujah.

[tense music]

MAN: Whoa.

♪♪♪

And that really,
really was a gut punch,

because like,
we had taken all this territory.

We were, you know,
a quarter way through the city.

We were gonna finish the city.

We had the momentum.
We had 'em on their ass.

They'd politically been
trying to delay our offensive.

That's why we had
a halt in operations at Violet.

We couldn't go any further.
They didn't want us--

They had done
a political agreement.

And our snipers
were killing these guys.

I mean, we were just--
we had 'em on the run.

We were gonna
take that city.

and politics
came in and squashed it.

And, like,
had us walk, you know,

basically,
they pull outta the city

with these like Iraqi army units

that didn't know which side
of the gun to look at

to shoot, you know,
take over our positions.

And like, of course,
they were hand in hand

with the insurgents.

We'd spend a month in Fallujah.

And to have that sort
of taken from us was really--

it eats at me today,
you know, 'cause three, five

and all those other units
we had go in there

in November
shouldn't have had to.

We could have finished
it and been done with it.

So yeah, that's something that
always eats at me to this day.

I decided to do this because
I got tired of losing people.

I mean, I got out around 2013,
I separated from the service.

And I'm probably
averaging

around six to seven people,
or at least one a year.

And I think I just got
tired of losing people, man.

It's one thing to put money
towards the charity or,

you know, say I, you know,
I support veteran suicide,

or I wear a bracelet for 22,

you know, veterans
the day that commit suicide.

But I wanted
to do something

and it kills me
that I can't be everywhere.

So I hope that this film is
some sort of force multiplier,

what we call it
in the military

to help veterans know, like,

"Hey, man,
you're not the only one.

It's okay."

And then also
to bring awareness

to the general public
that it's not always PTSD.

It may not be
this thing or that thing,

but they're struggling
with something.

And just recognize
that and just understand that

one veteran
is okay, you know.

Fucking ask for help.

Sergeant Kershaw,
you know, needs help sometimes.

Sergeant Hernandez need help.

Sergeant Span.

You know, Sergeant Gomez
or Specialist Gomez,

or whatever it is,
it's okay, man.

You know, we got your back.

It's not-- And again,
like I'm sitting up here

talking like it's fucking easy
before you ask me that question.

It's not.

There's no pill, no matter
what the VA prescribes you,

it's always gonna be there.

You're changed forever.
You just gotta deal with it.

You gotta surround
yourself around people

that make you know,
like, hey,

you're not the only one going
through it, you can beat it.

It's like an ongoing battle,
right? It's--

I don't think I've beaten it,
but I've gotten better.

That thing starts
crawling up my back again.

Like I know how to deal with it.

And everyone
deals it their own way.

I know how to deal with it.
But my daughter,

because at the time
my son wasn't born.

And I remember...

like my wife would--

so the kind
of like the battle rhythm

we had every day was--
and granted,

if you were to look
at me outside of everybody,

like if you were
to look at me like in a box

of like,
how is his transition going?

I think you would probably
think I was doing okay.

I work for a major company,
doing well.

But that shit
doesn't matter to me.

And I was chasing something.

I think I fell
into that purpose, community,

and identity bucket personally.

And it didn't hit me
'til five years later.

And I can remember
the battle rhythm we had was,

I would always take Camilla
to school, no matter what.

That was my thing.
Daddy took her to school.

And I worked,
I drop her off, go into work,

travel, do whatever,
go to DC, do some meetings,

come back, and then, you know,
if I could pick her up

for the most part,
I picked her up.

And then we got home.

Joanna,
my wife, kinda took over.

Like she was, you know,
the one that was really good

at putting her to bed because
she wasn't a good sleeper.

She would do that.
She was the nurturing one.

So I had
this dead space of like,

from 7:30, and I didn't
go to bed 'til like 2:00

every night of just like,
up in my own thoughts.

And around 2019,
I would just sit there

and stare
at a fucking blank TV screen.

And I couldn't understand it.

If I could
explain it visually,

and this is what
I tell the other veterans

when I'm explaining it,
is like, it feels like

if you could look at my body
and something would represent

like that feeling,
it feels like black tar.

Is like slowly creeping up
and you're trying internally

in your head to fight
that motherfucker off.

And then you're just like,
"What the fuck? What the fuck?"

And then, you know,
it creeps up there,

and then you're just
super fucking depressed

and angry
and you can't figure out why,

you don't think anyone
fucking understands you.

All of us have fucking guns.

So you're fighting to, you know,
to not make yourself a target,

a 50-meter target, right?

You know, your closest threat.

And for me, my purpose

and who saved me
was my daughter.

'Cause I couldn't imagine--
And it was bad.

And I couldn't
imagine her waking up

and seeing me like that.

And more importantly,
this may sound weird,

in my head, I was like, "Fuck,
who's gonna take her to school?

She's gotta get to school.

She counts on Daddy
to get her to school."

So I think it was less
of her finding me.

'Cause I feel like, you know,
somebody else would've found me.

But it was more like,
you know,

my baby counts on me
to take her to school.

So, you know, one day...

I think one day,
she's gonna know.

♪♪♪

She's gonna know that
she saved her daddy's life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[brooding music]

So getting outta
the Marine Corps, I was eager.

I got home on a Thursday
and by that Tuesday

fall semester
community college started.

So like my brother
flew out to Camp Pendleton.

We got in the truck
and we did a road trip

for like ten days across
country, which is awesome.

I needed that.
It was a good experience.

But it really
helped me decompress,

but then hit the books
right ahead right from then on.

And the suicides
and all that stuff

started happening
a few years later.

All the traumas finally
caught up to us, I think.

We lost some guys in combat,
but we lost more to suicide.

You know, the first one
that I knew of was Nelson.

He was in 80 ones. I knew him.

Evidently,
he'd been recalled back

to the Marines and I don't know.

Either wasn't
allowed to be infantry,

or they weren't gonna
let him serve in that role.

I've heard mixed stories,
but he took his life.

And then Sparsky
and another Sergeant Mansfield,

they went up to pay respects
at the funeral as our unit.

War takes a toll
and a price that, you know,

you can never
necessarily justify,

but it's something
that's gotta happen.

It's gonna happen,
you know, inevitably

just like kids
on the playground,

they're gonna
fight at some point.

War's a heck of a lot worse.

But in a lot of instances,
you can't get around it.

Luckily you've got
people that'll go out

and fight it for you.

So you can sit back
and have that argument.

You know, you can
armchair quarterback

anything that you want,
but until you've been there,

you'll never really know,
you know, what war means

to a lot of us guys that
have been there and fought it.

The transition was scary.

It was scary because...

I mean, all I've done for
the past 16 years was the army.

And I was afraid.

I was afraid that
I would fail as a civilian.

I was still learning
to walk whenever I was retired.

I had to wear braces
for a long time.

And even to this day I still do.

But having a good...

support group like family

and, you know,
your brother-in-laws

and stuff like that
was very, very beneficial

for the transition

'cause they just showed me
all kinds of love

and letting me know that
everything was gonna be okay.

I have lost
quite a few actually.

And...

And just
not too long ago,

we had a guy
that committed suicide.

I mean,
these are all good guys.

These are all
great, great, great guys,

and you wouldn't
expect that from them.

You wouldn't expect them
to take their lives

and put their pain
onto somebody else.

And the thing
is that when we as veterans

commit suicide,
we don't stop the pain.

We inherit it
our loved ones, to our kids,

to our wives...

our husbands, our parents,

our siblings, and just
anybody else that care for you.

And so I think
it's very important

that we have
a support group.

I was in school by time I think
I was going to college in DC.

And Ski. I'd talked
to Ski the week before

he was gonna get out.

He was getting
medically separated,

'cause of the brain damage

from the explosion
that we had had together.

And I was like,
"Well, that's good.

You got all these options.

You got school, man. You're
gonna be great. No worries."

You know, wife and kids,
he's two sons.

And he came
back from that funeral

and Lieutenant Russell
had dinner with him that Sunday.

I barbecued with him.

And then Monday
he killed himself,

shot himself in the head.

[somber music]

[exhales]

That's the toughest one.

'Cause, you know,
Ski was a great leader.

We got along.
We were best friends.

And...

to see how quickly
he deteriorated

and he was still active duty.

And he'd been promoted
meritoriously from sergeant

to Staff Sergeant,
and made Gunny real quick.

It was an unheard
of in the Marine Corps.

And...

yeah,
for him to take his life,

I wasn't expecting it,
didn't believe it.

I still,
at times don't believe it.

And that was a hard one.

The whole platoon
felt that one, I think.

You know, I've tried
to make amends with it,

but it's something
that lingers with me.

And then from that,
we learned about Heinzic,

who was my platoon.

Heinzic had gotten out around
the same time I got out.

He had a baby mama
in San Diego,

and he was having custody
battles with her, evidently.

And his dad came out to help
him try and get him on his feet,

help him, you know,
get right with things.

I think his dad
was a veteran maybe too.

And Heinzic comes home
from work one day

and his dad comes in,
walking in,

and then Heinzic shoots himself
in front of his father.

Killed himself
right in front of his dad.

♪♪♪

WADE: And I only learned about
this because few years later,

back about five years ago,
2016, I took a road trip.

I visited the graves
of the guys that we lost.

And I left, you know,
my contact information

and a little memento
and a t-shirt,

I think, of the unit.

And Heinzic's
grandma got ahold of me.

And she had
been down at the plots

a week later after
I'd visited for her husband,

her husband
had finally passed away.

And she told me the story
of what happened to Heinzic.

And then she told me
that five years after

Heinzic killed himself,
his father killed himself.

So this grandma
was out there burying

her husband
at a grave family plot

where her grandson
and her son were buried

because of this war.

And Boye, I went
and visited Boye's grave

and Lieutenant Childers's grave.

And at Boye's,
I met his mom.

She met me out there.

She took a break
from her factory job.

What was it?

Hornady.
She works for Hornady.

And she met me
at the grave site.

And then I noticed
that there was

another headstone
with Boye on it.

And she told me
the story that Boye's brother

was in the Army
when he got killed

and he was
getting out already.

And a few years later,
Boye's brother

took his own life, you know.

And I totally believe
it's because of the war.

You know,
he lost his brother

and he probably
had his own traumas

that the military wasn't
dealing with properly, so.

And the tragedy just keep going.

You know, I lost
a lot of guys to suicide.

It's tough.

And, you know.

You don't know
who to point the finger at.

I do know that some of
these pharmaceutical companies

they put these guys up on
wasn't helpful.

I know, without a doubt
that caused a lot of the issues.

The VA couldn't handle it,
handle the volume of patients.

Couldn't give
the one-on-one care,

the direct counseling they need.

Just give 'em drugs,
numb 'em out, cope 'em out,

make 'em numb.

They won't
respond to anything then.

And it's been fatal ever
since they started doing that.

And in the military
we always talk about like,

not failing,
not letting people down.

And that was
one of my fears too

of letting my mom and dad down

or letting my nieces
and nephews down.

And just thinking about all
the people that I would hurt,

just because I thought
that it would end my pain.

And just opening up,
opening up to somebody.

And that really helped
me out quite a bit

'cause you feel lighter
at the end of the day.

I've called
the hotline and...

I was a bit disappointed

with it because it's not like
you talk to somebody right away.

And I wish that
we could talk to people.

I now have a lot
of regrets or things

I've had to come
to grips with as far

as understanding
my role in a war

that you look back on,
it don't make sense.

It was tough
to see Afghanistan

go the way it did,
especially knowing

all the sacrifice
put in that country as well.

And the treasurer.
Fuck the money.

People made plenty
of money off this war.

It's really
the guys, the lives.

You know, even
the Iraqis and Afghans,

you know, I feel bad for them.
Worse.

We fucked them up.

Made 'em dependent,
then left them behind to dry.

And it's something
I have to accept my role in.

You know, at the time
I wouldn't take anything back.

If you give me the experience,
I'll take it over again.

I'll do it again.

But it's tough to realize

the consequences
of these decisions

our country made,
our leadership made.

I definitely think,
you know,

it could have
been done differently.

It should
have been done differently.

But I think there's money
to be made and people

are wanting
to profit off of this.

It's sad.

But yeah,
I got into college.

After I graduated
from my four-year university,

I got
into private security myself.

It was good money. And I was
addicted to the adrenaline.

It's a simpler life overseas.

You have your job,
sleep, work out, eat.

You know,
job, sleep, work out, eat.

So it's simple. You
don't have like the gossip.

You don't have the
"what's going on in this city"

or what's going on here,
this controversy.

It's a simplified life.
And I loved it.

And I got addicted to
the adrenaline rush of combat.

You know, my whole time
in university

I kept on trying
to join military.

Like I joined LRS unit,
a National Guard LRS unit,

a Long Range
Surveillance unit,

because I wanted to get trained

and I wanted
to continue to fight.

And when Ski got killed,
I got real close to joining

back in the Marines
and going back in

'cause I was like,
I gotta get in to fight.

I have some anger issues.

[laughing]

And luckily I talked
to Lieutenant Glover still.

I was really
in good contact with him.

And he sort of said,
"Hey, do yourself this.

Go to school, complete school.

If you wanna go in,
you can go in afterwards."

And so I'm really glad
he told me to do that

'cause, at the time, I didn't
have a real good compass.

I go with any direction.

And to have him
encourage me to stay in school

and I did it,
it's an accomplishment for me.

Especially going to,
like, the school I went to.

If you would
ask my peers in high school

they probably
would've never thought

I could get into it
and go to that school.

So I was kinda spiteful.

I think I mentioned
early on about, you know,

being enlisted,
of taking the dummies route,

going enlisted.

So for me, you know,
I had this chip on my shoulder

for sure, and I probably
still do about the wasted lives.

And I finally have accepted

that we probably shouldn't
have gone into Iraq.

You know,
looking at the facts now,

knowing we kinda all
were lied to.

I mean, they used
General Powell

and all those people
as pawns to set something up

that I think didn't
need to happen, you know?

And it's sad that
nobody's been held accountable.

Our government
lets them get away with it.

I definitely
have some issues with the way

we abandoned things in Iraq.

And hell, if I would've lost.

I remember
being in Kuwait,

searching the desert because
someone lost a bayonet.

We weren't allowed to leave.

You know, get on line
and look for a freaking bayonet

that's maybe
$20 worth of equipment.

Yet the generals
were allowed to leave

billions of dollars
of equipment in Afghanistan.

And nobody's
held accountable.

And it's just hypocrisy to me.

And I can't accept
that like, they taught me

all these values
and these things

that were important
to me then to turn around

and them not even live by 'em
and hold themselves up

to the same accountable
things that I was held to.

It really is frustrating to see.

So, that's my gripe
of the year, I guess.

[laughing]

You know, I like to go hunting.

You know, I go deer,
go with some buddies,

and go elk hunting and all that.

And there's no comparison.

You know, you're taking a life,
but one's feeding your family.

One's taking
another human off this world.

You know, at the end of the day
while we were deployed,

it kinda turned into
who's making it home tonight?

You or me?

And I wanna go home worse.

You know, I wanna go home more.

Whenever I came back, I went
and found my childhood priest,

tried to talk
to him a little bit about it.

He's an older gentleman and
he definitely gave me his time.

But when you haven't been there,
you don't really understand.

There's one priest
I wish I could run into

back home near Kansas City.

He was a, I think
he retired as a captain

in the Marines from Vietnam.

Yeah, the Vietnam era.

But I mean,
it's really something

you've gotta come
to grips with yourself.

You know, you're sending
18, 19, 20-year-olds over there

if they're fresh
and they're taking lives.

You know, if they're
not lucky in a facetious way.

But the part
of the military

that actually sees direct
combat is very, very small.

So if you are lucky
in the fact that you're part

of that percent you need
to have your head on right.

I've got some friends
that grew up, you know,

they're the same age,
grew up close to the same way,

but in different parts
of the country.

And I know that a lot of us
have handled it all differently.

Taking a life is...

it's not something
to be taken lightly.

But at the end of the day,

it's I wanna go home more

and I'm going home
to my family.

So you made
your choice and I made mine,

and you're going to meet
your maker and not me today.

You know,
when you leave the military,

you lose your purpose,
your identity,

and your community.

I was fortunate I came home
and I came back

to my old high school buddies

that were still around
and family and friends

that were still
there in the community.

And so I sort of had some people
to safeguard me a little bit.

Like, I did implode.
And I wasn't--

They told me to do something,
I was gonna do the opposite.

But they at least, you know,
they kept the rails on.

It kept me on the rails.

I think for a lot of people,

they lose one, you know,
two or three of those:

purpose, identity, community,

and it creates
a downward spiral.

So much so.

I think with Ski,
I look back,

they were taking away
his purpose.

They were taking away
his identity.

He was no longer gonna
be allowed to be a Marine,

a very good marine.

And I'm sure
he had his own issues

with the war
and his own family issues.

You know, I don't know exactly
led him to pull that gun out.

But I know he was suffering.

And, you know,
like I lost my identity,

but I still retain it.

You know, I still will
tell people I'm a marine.

[laughing] But I think,

yeah, I think people--

the military does
a good job at taking people,

making 'em the killers.

It doesn't
do a good job

processing 'em out
to be "normal."

And it's not
their job to really.

They have a mission.

It's not to always
do the backend stuff.

I think we're realizing now
I think they put a great effort

into counteracting
the negative things.

It's changed, you know,
the talks of mental health.

You didn't talk
about it in 2004, 2005.

Kidding me?
No, you're not talking about it.

We're not pussies here.

[laughs] I knew
I was fucked up,

but I always knew I wanted
to work in the government

with a security claim,
so I never brought it up.

It took me
over a decade to finally

admit that I had PTSD.

And it was only
after I was working overseas

I was like,
"I need to get help."

I need to have a quality
of life that it's worth

what I've done,
what I've put myself through.

I think that's
one of the bigger things.

And I think it plays with
some of my childhood trauma,

was I've never
felt worthy of love.

And, uh...

MAN: What are your hobbies now?

So, I weld sometimes.

I do fishing,
take the kids fishing.

Heck just last week
I took my niece

and my nephew's Tito's kids
to go look at alligators.

And like,
I just enjoy seeing

their smiles and their--

That's what makes me wanna
wake up in the morning

to where
they call for me.

And...

I don't
wanna let them down.

And so I think if
we as veterans find something

that makes
you wanna wake up,

then we need to look for that,
for whatever it is.

As long as it's productive,
then I think we'd be okay.

But I really think,
like the brothers I served with,

I'm so glad I can be
in contact with a lot of them.

We've stayed together,
we stayed pretty close together.

And a lot of us have found
our paths in unique ways.

You know,
I think for a lot of them.

And I encourage all
of them that I served with,

you know, to do
alternative therapies.

There's not a silver bullet
that's gonna fix a veteran.

There's multiple paths
to find a purpose,

a place in society
and your new tribe.

I'm so grateful
that I have the guys

I served with still around.

They'll check
me when I'm fooling around

and being an idiot.

But they'll
also tell me, "Oh no,

hey, it's not
that big of a deal.

You screw that up. Who cares?"

You know,
bigger picture of things.

They put thing
in perspective for me

that a lot of times I forget.

Especially
like my buddy Joe Wells,

he lets me know that like,
I don't owe anybody anything.

You know? If I wanna do this
for the rest of my life,

I'm good. I've made my peace.
I have my friends.

I don't need
to prove anything to anybody.

If there's something
I want to accomplish,

I can accomplish it.

But I think
a lot of veterans

get themselves
into trouble is

in our society I can order
everything to my house

and not have to deal
with a single human being.

I don't have to engage
with anybody.

And that's not a good thing,
is what I try to tell people.

We're social creatures we need
to have social interaction.

We need to have connections.

And where our fear is like
we had this deep, deep bond.

And I know--
What's that author's name?

Sebastian Junger
and he talks about that.

And I agree
with his book, Tribe.

You have these deep
connections with these guys.

They're intimate, you know.

[laughing] Deep jokes, like
just meaning with each other.

And then they part
ways and rip each other out.

It's hard. For years after
getting out in the Marines,

my goal was I wanna
be wealthy enough

to be able to pay
for everybody's family

to come to a reunion
for a week from each deployment.

'Cause each deployment
we had different guys with us

and do a big, huge way
and be able to be so successful.

That was my big heritage goal.

Be so successful
that I could afford

to pay for everybody's
families to take the week off.

You know, all that stuff.

Have all the sorts
of therapies and, you know,

ways to reconnect.

And I realize like, I'm not
gonna get there professionally,

but maybe there's
a way for me to be a part

of a nonprofit that can
do something like that one day.

But it's tough to see guys
go home and suffer,

especially when you knew
them in the military

as like the good-to-go guy,
the guy that was reliable.

The guy
who will watch your back.

And to see how this rot
has set in with our country,

with drugs, with meth,
with opioids,

and the same problems
that plague these veterans

are the same problems
that plague our nation.

And it sucks that
nobody wants to step up

and try to really go
after these things.

It's disheartening
to see my buddies,

some of them, you know, I love
seeing the success stories.

I've got guys
that are successful

and it's not always
the boohoo thing.

They've taken those experiences
and turned it

into something positive,
used it to make themselves

plenty of money and build
a family that's full of love.

Then [indistinct]
guys that have really

self-destructed and,
you know,

done every bad decision
they could think of if not more.

And I think a lot of it is lack
of services initially maybe.

Or, you know, had something
gone a different way,

break another way, maybe they'd
have a better step forward

and never a new start.

But it's tough to see,
you know,

that's probably like the road
trips I've done cross country

multiple times
is like, it's for me.

I'm gonna be selfish.
It's a lot of--

It feeds my heart to be
able to see these guys again.

But it's also part
of it is me checking in on 'em.

And like, you see
the guys that are really proud

to show off themselves,
they're like,

"Hey, this--"
My best friend Staples.

I lived with him
for four years in the Marines."

And Stack, nicest dude
ever from Youngstown, Ohio.

Big brother.
Looks like Mike Tyson.

Has a lisp.
And me and him were roommates

and we fought
with each other initially

and then
we became brothers after.

And he came home
with me on leave.

And when he got out,
he is a big guy.

So people like to try
to test themselves with him.

And he wasn't gonna
back down from a fight.

Evidently, he got
into a fight in Ohio

and got arrested

and got put in the system

and that system holds onto him.

I did that road trip part
of it to reconnect with him.

And I did meet up with him.
I got to hug him, I'd see him.

But I could tell he was shy,
didn't wanna talk

about his past,
didn't wanna talk

about what
he's up to these days.

'Cause he was in and out of,
like, the legal system

and didn't have a whole
lot of opportunities

in front of him, especially
in, like, Youngstown, Ohio.

It's hard.
But his family's there.

Guys like him I wish
I could get ahold of

and give another opportunity

or just offer 'em
whatever they need.

You know, like
they're the ones

that I want
to encourage, get services.

I'm fine.
I can advocate for myself.

It's those guys like him.

And since I saw him, I've
been outta contact with him.

You can't get
ahold of him anymore.

I've gone back
to Youngstown, Ohio

on my road trips
and knocked on doors

and asked around
but still can't find him.

And that's like I guess
my big hairy goal eventually

is to have a real reconnection
with him and other guys.

You know, I'm not
worried about the guys

that are still texting me
and I see on social media maybe.

It's the guys
that have quieted up, sort of.

You see them extract
themselves outta life.

Those are the guys
I worry about.

'Cause it's never good.

You know,
guys shouldn't have to fight

these battles
by themselves, you know.

Ancient tribes,
they're warriors.

They came home
to different settings.

And I think for our veterans,
we need to figure out

a way to bring
these guys home and let them

integrate into a society
that understands them.

There should never be
a military-civilian divide

or veteran-civilian divide.

That's just veterans
trying to put up walls.

I read a good story
from a ranger who wrote it,

basically said,
"Yeah, I had best friends,

best brothers in my life
but that was 20 years ago

and I have 60 years
of my life ahead of me."

He said, "Is that the last

of my relationships
I'm ever gonna have?"

No, you have to build
new relationships.

You have to find people
that may not be that.

Now, I still have
a habit of finding veterans

and they just gravitate
towards each other.

But I do try to find people that
aren't veterans to engage with.

You know,
they might think my humor's

a little sick or weird.

I probably cuss too much.

But, you know,
I do try to connect with them

'cause they're Americans
just like me and you.

And I want them
to understand what sacrifice is.

That's why I tell my story

or parts
of it to anyone that asks.

It doesn't mean
no good to hold onto it.

Nobody knows what sacrifice is.

Nobody knows what the cost
of sending our youth to fight.

You know, what's the true cost?

Well, I'll tell
you the true cost.

People like Heinzic.

That's whole family's destroyed.

Boye, a whole
family's devastated.

[sniffling] You know,
that's the hard part.

[somber guitar music]

♪ Trouble dies ♪

♪ And not out at the rocks ♪

♪ Does help praise ♪

♪ As the bullet
shell struck ♪

♪ Be careful
Don't be eager ♪

♪ When your fingers
on the trigger ♪

♪ Out in the open,
and your gun's all you got ♪

♪ Sin is like a wildfire,
souls are quick to burn ♪

♪ When will I learn ♪

♪ That sometimes
pain is underserved ♪

♪ Be careful
Don't be bitter ♪

♪ When you
could be a forgiver ♪

♪ Out in this world left alone
with your thoughts ♪

♪ And I wish
I could revive my soul ♪

♪ But maybe I'm too broken ♪

♪ Don't hold me liable ♪

♪ If I'm not outspoken ♪

♪ They say
I'm tribal [indistinct] ♪

♪ Leading all my life
full revival ♪

♪ But a broken tribe
is all I know ♪

♪ Would you care ♪

♪ To try to understand ♪

♪ Hurt that was felt
was more in our hands ♪

♪ Be cautious
when you listen ♪

♪ 'Cause the tears
don't seem to glisten ♪

♪ Out in the middle
of the desert sand ♪

♪ Would you come running ♪

♪ And show me your love ♪

♪ If I said the memories
are all creeping up ♪

♪ Be cautious
with you talking ♪

♪ Don't you know
that I was walking ♪

♪ Or carrying weight
of a hurt friend? ♪

[music fades]