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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:06,400
Brighton, Brighton, Bri... 0h!
Britain, Britain, Britain!
2
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:11,100
Birthplace of William Shakespeare,
Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird.
3
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:16,500
But what of the ordinary people of Britain?
What about them and all their stuff?
4
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:22,200
We aim to find out in what I promise is
the final episode of this series.
5
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,200
0h, ma sweet potatoes!
6
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,000
Transvestism in Britain is as popular today
as it has always been.
7
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I myself am currently wearing a lovely dress
that used to belong to my father.
8
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,900
- (ENGINE SPLUTTERS)
- Oi, mate!
9
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:46,300
- You in the skirt!
- Yes?
10
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,000
- You couldn't give me a push, could you?
- But I'm a lady.
11
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,000
- Please?
- Ladies don't push.
12
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:56,500
- Oh, go on, pal.
- All right, then. A little lady's push.
13
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:05,800
- You couldn't push a bit harder, could you?
- It sounds like you've flooded the engine.
14
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,900
- Oh, no! Have I?
- Being a lady, I wouldn't really know.
15
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,800
- But you've had the choke out too long.
- Really?
16
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,600
Oui, oui. Ouvrez le bonnet!
17
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,900
(VERY MALE VOICE) Oh, yeah! You've got
a faulty connection with your starter motor.
18
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,800
(LADYLIKE) Try it now.
19
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,500
- (ENGINE PURRS)
- Thanks.
20
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:35,000
- Pleasure's all mine.
- You certainly know your stuff.
21
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:40,200
I grew up with three brothers,
so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy!
22
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,000
Yeah, I bet you are.
23
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:54,600
It's twenty to Toby and we're in Wales,
which is apparently part of Britain.
24
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:59,900
Absolutely fascinating!
It says in here Boy George is a gay!
25
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:07,400
- Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please?
- Miss Fitzwilliams will serve you. I'm leaving.
26
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:12,400
- Oh, yes? Where are you going?
- Well, I got a date, see.
27
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,400
Oooh!
28
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,400
Oh, a date. I'd love to go on a date,
but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village.
29
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,400
- Yes, of course you are. See you tomorrow.
- So, who's the lucky fella?
30
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,200
- I don't want to miss my bus.
- No, come on!
31
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:33,600
Well, I wasn't planning on telling you tonight,
but I suppose you may as well know.
32
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:38,500
- I'm going on a date with another woman.
- Oh, I see. Girls' night out, is it?
33
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,700
Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it.
34
00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:48,200
- I've been seeing this girl for a while now.
- What?
35
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:54,500
I suppose I'm finally coming to terms
with the fact that I am a lesbian. Ta-ra!
36
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,300
- Hang on just a minute!
- What?
37
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,600
- You are not a gay!
- I am.
38
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:06,000
- No! I'm the gay in this village!
- Well, I'm gay, too. Bye!
39
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:11,000
- Let's just talk about this.
- Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me.
40
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,700
Rhiannon? Rhiannon?
How far have you gone with this Rhiannon?
41
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,100
Just a bit of fanny fun.
42
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,800
Can I have a large brandy, please,
Miss Fitzwilliams?
43
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:28,400
Look, Daffyd, I gotta go.
Rhiannon's minge is gonna get cold.
44
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,800
- There you go, Daffyd.
- Oh, thank you.
45
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:40,700
- So did you have any idea Myfanwy is a gay?
- Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class.
46
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:46,200
When it comes to getting ready to go out,
47
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,700
women in Britain take, on average,
six months longer than men.
48
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:55,300
At this house in Quimby,
woman Helen is finally ready.
49
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,000
- Ssh! He's just going off.
- We'll be late.
50
00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000
- The babysitter isn't even here yet.
- Is it Saskia again?
51
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:06,000
No, she wasn't available. The agency's sending
somebody else. Are these shoes all right?
52
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,200
- Yes, I told you. They're fine.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
53
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,500
- Are you the babysitter?
- Babysitter, yes.
54
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:24,000
- Have you done this before?
- Yes. I sit baby real good.
55
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,600
Bring her in.
56
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:31,500
Oh. Hello. I'm Peter.
57
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:33,900
Ah! Pietka!
58
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,100
That was my mother's name!
59
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,400
- And you've...you've met my wife, Helen.
- Ah! Helen!
60
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,200
That was not my mother's name!
61
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:50,300
- Actually, darling, I'm not feeling very well.
- It's important. The whole office'll be there.
62
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:55,000
- Important, office, huh?
- All right.
63
00:04:55,000 --> 00:05:00,300
Harvey's over here. He's fine. Any problems
and our mobile numbers are on the table.
64
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:05,800
I will make sure nothing happens
to your baby! I swear on your life!
65
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,900
- Oh, thank you.
- If anybody tries to hurt him...
66
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,200
- Well, we shouldn't be too long.
- Ssh.
67
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,600
Is nothing. You go, you go! Enjoy!
68
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,200
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
69
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,400
- Your baby is fine.
- Thank you.
70
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,400
If anything happens, I will phone immediately.
71
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:40,200
- Thank you.
- (PHONE RINGS)
72
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,800
- Hello?
- Your baby is fine.
73
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,300
Right! Give me the ball! Go and stand over there!
74
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,400
Back at one of her old schools,
75
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,600
reformed character Vicky Pollard has been
asked to give a speech to her old classmates.
76
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,600
OK, gang. Now, for today's General Studies,
I've invited someone along
77
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:07,900
who used to be a pupil at this school. Her name
is Vicky Pollard. Some of you may remember her.
78
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,400
I said sorry!
79
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:17,500
Now, I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying
that she used to be a bit of a tearaway.
80
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:22,400
She got caught shoplifting,
was sent to a young offenders institution,
81
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:27,600
became pregnant at 14
and had the baby taken into care, but...
82
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,800
she's turned her life around.
She's now got a job at Boots, a small flat
83
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,300
and is taking a part-time course in...?
84
00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,900
- Reading.
- Reading.
85
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:42,400
And she's here today to tell us all
a little bit about her experiences.
86
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,900
So, all right. Over to you, Vicky.
87
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000
Shut...up. I ain't done...nothin'
88
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:55,600
and if anyone says I did, they get beatings.
89
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:07,000
Right, thanks. Um, has anybody got
any questions they want to ask? Yeah, Jordan.
90
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,000
- Yeah. What did you nick?
- Shut up! I never nicked nothin',
91
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:16,500
apart from one thing, one other thing and
a few other things, but apart from that, nothin'.
92
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:21,700
Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash
all over Elliot Nathan's brand new Adidas bag
93
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:27,100
and now he's gonna tell the whole of Year Nine
that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens.
94
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:33,700
- OK. Let's have another one. Harmony?
- Have you got a criminal record?
95
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:38,600
Yeah, but you just lie about it. Misha reckons
her dad killed this man, but he said he never
96
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:43,000
and now he's got this really good job
putting jam in Jammy Dodgers.
97
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,000
- One more. Dean?
- What's borstal like?
98
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,300
Oh, my God, it's like SO brilliant!
There's no lessons or homework or nothin'
99
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:57,500
and people get beaten up and once this girl
got locked in the fridge and nearly died!
100
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:03,200
OK. Thanks a lot, Vicky. A lot to think about
there and how to apply it all to our own lives.
101
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,800
- Oh, sorry. Kelly, did you have a question?
- Did you get that Tommy I asked you for?
102
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,400
Anyone else wants anything, just let me know.
103
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,000
Thanks a lot, Vicky.
104
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,500
- Right, you can go.
- Go. All right.
105
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,000
- Your baby.
- Huh?
106
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:28,100
It's all right, you can keep it.
I've got loads more at home anyway.
107
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:34,200
Bonfires in Britain are a great way
of getting rid of those old things lying around
108
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,400
that you don't need any more.
109
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,700
0nly last week I found an old bonfire I never use
and put that on a bonfire.
110
00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,500
Right, this is the last of the boxes.
111
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,500
- Are you sure you want all this stuff burnt?
- Yeah.
112
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,800
Got all your old books and your games in here.
113
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,600
- Are you sure you don't want them?
- Yeah.
114
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,500
- You want it all put on the fire?
- Yeah, burn it up.
115
00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:59,300
'Cause once I burn it, you can't have it back.
116
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:02,200
- You do know that?
- Yeah, I know.
117
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,000
- You want it all burnt?
- Yeah.
118
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,900
I want me stuff back.
119
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,800
So, my little friend, what shall we do?
120
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:34,500
# Ahh, ahh,
Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya
121
00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:41,500
# Ahh, ahh,
Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya... #
122
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,200
# Babushka, Babushka, ya ya... #
123
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,400
- (PETER) Hello!
- Ssh! Baby sleeping.
124
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,200
- Oh, how has he been?
- He very hungry.
125
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,600
- Right. What did you give him?
- Meat!
126
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,800
- What kind?
- Good meat!
127
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,300
- Did you give him any milk?
- Yes, he very thirsty baby.
128
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,300
There was some milk in the fridge. Find it?
129
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,100
No, I use my own.
130
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,300
Right. Did you...did you have to change him?
131
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,000
No, is same baby.
132
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,300
Right, well, we were gone...
what, about three hours?
133
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,600
So is �15 OK?
134
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,600
Oh, thank you! Thank you! �15!
135
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,800
Where I come from,
you have to babysit three hours to earn �15!
136
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,500
- I will send it home to my mother!
- Oh, that's good.
137
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:44,300
- It is not good. She is dead.
- Oh.
138
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:50,000
Well, it's getting rather late.
I imagine you'll want to be getting back.
139
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,200
If ever you need babysitter
and Boris is not available,
140
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,200
please remember I have brother Josef.
141
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,200
- Oh, yes?
- He is a very bad man.
142
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,100
But he wants to be good in his heart, eh?
143
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:08,900
- Well, we'll bear that in mind.
- Remember him!
144
00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:11,300
We will, we will.
145
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:24,200
- Hello, Harvey!
- Oh, I think he's going to say something.
146
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,200
(HARVEY RASPS) Comrade Stalin salutes you!
147
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:33,200
At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange,
it is break time.
148
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,600
(BELL RINGS)
149
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,600
Sit.
150
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,500
Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading.
151
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:52,500
Meacher, the answer to question two
was Golden Wonder, not KP.
152
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:59,300
Philips, how many times do you need to be told?
Red for ready salted, blue for salt and vinegar!
153
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:05,300
Patel, the two variables on the graph
were pickled onion and prawn cocktail.
154
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,800
Wilson, you could have had Cheese and Owen
or Smoky Beckham.
155
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,900
There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore!
156
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:24,500
Papathasaniou, please note Monster Munch is
maize-based. This was covered in the first term.
157
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,000
I put maize!
158
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,600
Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers.
159
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:35,500
They look like rashers, for Pete's sake.
The clue is in the bag.
160
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:40,400
Nash, you got 95%. Well done. I particularly
enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit.
161
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:47,600
Irving, number five was oxbow lakes.
Otherwise good. Where is Irving?
162
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,500
He's having his tonsils out, sir.
163
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,800
And, finally, Palfrey, best before...?
164
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,600
- (ALL) See base of pack.
- Hmm.
165
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:12,700
Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland
is Tuesday the 12th of June around 2.30.
166
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:19,300
Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue
of nearly �24,000.
167
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:24,300
- Can you give us a cheque today?
- Maybe I can and maybe I can't!
168
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,300
(PLAYS FOLK TUNE)
169
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:34,400
Please, we had all of this last year.
You've got to take this seriously.
170
00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,600
- Ye-e-e-es.
- Can you give us the cheque today?
171
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,900
(''DAD'S ARMY'' THEME)
172
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,500
That's not the answer I'm looking for.
173
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,600
(''LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE'' THEME)
174
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,700
You'd help yourself a lot more
if you gave us some straight answers.
175
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:08,200
Your form here is incomplete.
''Gross income: yes. Net income: yes.''
176
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,000
No, it's not ''yes''. It's ''ye-e-e-e-es''.
177
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,900
- You can't just put ''ye-e-e-es'', you know.
- Yes.
178
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,400
So can you give us some payment today?
179
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:24,300
What if I were to offer you...six magic beans?
180
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:31,200
- Probably wouldn't be interested.
- Seven magic beans!
181
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,800
- Nope.
- How about a talking noisy box?
182
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,800
Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talking to you.
183
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:43,000
But they cannae hear ye, mind,
unless they're doing a phone-in.
184
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,600
- No.
- You want the piccalilo, don't you?
185
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,400
You'll never take it! Never!
186
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:57,800
- Oh! Have it, have it and be gone!
- I'll tell you what, Mr McCooney.
187
00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,500
- Why don't you pick up your quill...?
- Ye-e-e-es?
188
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:05,000
- And your magic money paper.
- Oh, ye-e-es?
189
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,200
Put your mark upon it. And we'll do the rest.
190
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,800
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Good day.
191
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,300
Fare thee well, keepers of the purse!
192
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,900
Shit!
193
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,700
Country house, blah, blah, blah. Novelist,
blah, blah, blah. Cue the rude topiary.
194
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,600
Make sure you get down every word, Miss Grace.
195
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,800
(RADI0 ) There's a tailback stretching
a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague.
196
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,400
The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed...
197
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,600
Said James.
198
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,700
..at twenty past.
In the meantime, remember this?
199
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:52,700
(MUSIC: WHAM! -
''WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO'')
200
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,300
#Jitterbug!
201
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,800
#Jitterbug!
202
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,200
- # You put the... #
- Said Lady Asquith.
203
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,600
It's all change at the community centre.
204
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,600
0ne group has finished their weekly meeting,
whilst another is just beginning.
205
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,200
''FatFighters'' meets once a week.
206
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,700
Those in attendance have managed to steal
themselves away from eating for just an hour
207
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,500
to talk about food. The greedy fuckers!
208
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:27,000
Or just some low-fat cottage cheese
if you're a vegelesbian.
209
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,400
Now, before we go any further,
I want to introduce you to a new face.
210
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:37,200
She is a new face.
She is, in fact, from ''FatFighters'' head office.
211
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,700
Now, her name is Mrs Harrison.
212
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:44,500
Mrs Harrison has come here today
to check that I'm running the meetings OK.
213
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:49,300
So you can all tell her how brilliant I am!
What happened? Did someone complain?
214
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,800
It could be one or a series of complaints.
215
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,600
Right. Who was it? Was it him?
216
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:59,700
You can't say, you can't say.
Was it her? Was it written in Indian?
217
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,400
You can't say.
218
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:10,000
Bastards. OK, let's start with the weigh-in.
Eh, Paul...
219
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,800
- Excuse me, Marjorie?
- Yes, Mrs Harrison?
220
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,400
You've forgotten.
The course leader weighs themselves first.
221
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,800
Oh, no, that's OK. I weighed myself at home
to save time. Eight stone five.
222
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,400
What? Right.
223
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:37,600
Oh, this? Oh, sorry. Right. Sorry.
I wasn't sure. What do I...? Get up, do I?
224
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,900
- You WERE fourteen stone and four pounds.
- Oh, I was big, wasn't I?
225
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,500
You are...
226
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:54,100
..fifteen stone and eleven pounds.
227
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,000
Oh. Well, er...
228
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:05,300
- You don't allow us to take shoes off.
- I don't know about India, but over here...
229
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,500
- Fifteen stone ten.
- See? It's dropping, dropping.
230
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,100
This jacket's very, very heavy. I don't need these.
231
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,200
This can go.
232
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:38,100
- Fifteen stone eight and a half.
- This has got a lot of underwiring.
233
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,900
- Marjorie, I think we've seen enough.
- Yeah!
234
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:48,100
Marjorie, this isn't easy for me to say,
but because you've put on so much weight,
235
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,800
I'm afraid I have no option but to suspend you.
236
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:55,100
- You what?!
- It really doesn't set a good example.
237
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,000
Look who's talking! You're no spring onion!
238
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,000
- We'll discuss this later.
- No, let's have it out now!
239
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:04,700
- You're making an exhibition of yourself.
- Oh, am I really?
240
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:09,800
Well, you can take your ''FatFighters''
and you can shove it up your fat arse!
241
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,100
SCREW you!
242
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,500
I'll just...
243
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,600
(PASSIONATE, CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE)
244
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,600
(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)
245
00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,100
When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners
to throw myself out of a window.
246
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:04,700
But some people are selfish and go on living,
like this old bitch.
247
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000
(DOORBELL RINGS)
248
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,500
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
249
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,700
Oh, hello, Jason. Gary not with you?
250
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:25,700
No, I don't see so much of Gary these days.
251
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,400
Oh, that's a shame.
252
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,000
Well, come in.
253
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,600
I, er, brought you some things.
254
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,200
Oh, thank you.
255
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,900
Oh.
256
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:50,000
Oh! Oh, I like this. That's nice.
257
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,400
What's this?
258
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,200
''Nine and a Half Weeks''?
259
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,100
Oh.
260
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,500
Right. Now...
261
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,800
Oh.
262
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,800
I can't have jelly. I'm diabetic.
263
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,700
Never mind. This bag will come in useful.
264
00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:17,300
Why don't you open the ice cream now? It's...
265
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,700
..fun to share.
266
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:24,200
Not for me, thanks, love.
I've just had a nectarine. But you have some.
267
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,500
(DOORBELL RINGS)
268
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,100
Oh, that'll be Winnie.
269
00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:32,100
- I won't be a mo.
- OK.
270
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:36,200
- Oh, great (!)
- (NAN) I've got somebody with me.
271
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:40,000
He's a lovely boy. He's a friend of Gary's.
272
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,900
- Winnie, this is Jason.
- Hello, love.
273
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,400
- Hell-o!
- Can you see the family resemblance?
274
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,900
Yeah. You never told me
you had an...older sister.
275
00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,500
Lovely to see you, dear.
276
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,100
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
277
00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,200
Fancy a sandwich, Jason?
278
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,100
Chinese food has been so popular in Britain,
279
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:19,500
it has been exported as far afield as China.
280
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,200
They repeated it last night. It was very funny.
281
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:30,200
Molly came in, she shook her brolly
and said her pussy had got all wet in the rain.
282
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,200
- Really?
- It's funny. It rained at her wedding.
283
00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:36,300
My bridesmaid outfit got soaked. Everybody.
284
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,200
This duck's very fatty.
285
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,700
- Do you think I should send it back?
- Yes.
286
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,300
Oh, my word!
287
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,000
- You'll never guess who's just walked in.
- Who?
288
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,000
- Molly Sugden!
- Don't be silly, Clive.
289
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:58,400
Yeah, that's definitely her. Go and say hello!
290
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:03,800
- No, Clive, she doesn't want to be bothered.
- What? You were bridesmaid at her wedding!
291
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,800
- No, Clive, no!
- All right.
292
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:09,700
Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here.
293
00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:14,500
Have you seen who's just come in?
Your friend, Molly Sugden.
294
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,500
- Oh, come on. You haven't seen her for years.
- Clive!
295
00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,500
Excuse me. Er, Mrs Sugden?
296
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,600
- Yes?
- I'm so sorry to bother you.
297
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:29,600
I thought you might like to know that I'm here
with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall.
298
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,200
- Sorry?
- She was the bridesmaid at your wedding.
299
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,400
Well, I don't know anyone called Liz.
300
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,400
My friend Helen
was the only bridesmaid at my we...
301
00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:57,000
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister has
an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart.
302
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,000
I actually lived in Italy for a few years
while I was Pope.
303
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:06,700
- And, Prime Minister, I believe that...
- (HE TRANSLATES)
304
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,700
..a very special bond between our two nations...
305
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,700
..can only grow stronger in this difficult time.
306
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:21,900
As you know, this evening I will be having talks
with the President of France...
307
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,500
- Hiya!
- Sebastian, er...
308
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:30,300
- I'm in an important meeting. Can't it wait?
- (HE TRANSLATES)
309
00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:35,600
No, Prime Minister, it can't. What's all this
about you flying off to China tomorrow?
310
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,700
Well, it's a matter
of grave international importance.
311
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:43,900
The meeting about your agricultural report
will have to wait.
312
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:48,500
- I had my hair done and everything!
- (HE TRANSLATES)
313
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,000
Sebastian...
314
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,400
Sebastian, please!
315
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,000
You just use me when you want,
then you throw me away!
316
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,700
(HE TRANSLATES)
317
00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:04,700
Can you please stop translating this?
318
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,200
(HE TRANSLATES)
319
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,200
Thank you.
320
00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,700
- Come here.
- Don't touch me!
321
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:21,300
- I could do without the hysterics!
- Oh, I'm being hysterical, am I?!
322
00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:24,300
Prime Minister Carluccio should know
what you're really like.
323
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,900
The meeting tomorrow is off.
324
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,700
- I've got other plans now anyway.
- Oh, have you?
325
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,700
The Leader of the Opposition invited me for tea.
326
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,600
Think about that
when you're on your little plane tomorrow.
327
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,600
- Goodbye, Sebastian.
- Whatever. Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister.
328
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:44,200
- Ciao.
- Oh, ciao! Ciao!
329
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,600
Get out!
330
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,500
- Sorry about that.
- (HE TRANSLATES)
331
00:25:54,400 --> 00:26:00,800
- (HE SPEAKS ITALIAN)
- What did he say?
332
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,600
The Prime Minister say,
''If you love him, go after him.''
333
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:13,800
At this really supermarket in Herby,
Lou is taking Andy on his weekly shop.
334
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:19,800
- Now, which soup do you want for your tea?
- That one.
335
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,800
- That one?
- Yeah.
336
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,800
- But that's whole sweet red peppers.
- Yeah, I know.
337
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,900
I'll get you some cream of tomato.
You like cream of tomato, don't you?
338
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:37,700
- Here! What are you doing?
- Robbing!
339
00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:41,500
- It's very wrong to steal! You do know that?
- Yeah, I know.
340
00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,900
Well, put that back, then.
341
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,400
I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin.
342
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,100
I don't ever want to see you do that again.
343
00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:53,900
- Do you hear?
- Sorry.
344
00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:57,400
Right. Now, we're all out of beans.
345
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:02,400
I could get you the normal ones
or the ones with the little chipolatas in.
346
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:09,000
Oh! They're doing a special offer
on Alphabetti Spaghetti. I'll get that instead.
347
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,800
Andy?
348
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,400
Andy?
349
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,800
Andy!
350
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,600
- What's the record?
- Uh, sixteen.
351
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,400
We haven't got any more seats.
352
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,100
Probably room for one more small one!
353
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:35,900
Ian...
354
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,600
(HORN BEEPS)
355
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:50,400
No, it's no use. I've got to get out.
Come on, I can't breathe. Let me out.
356
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:54,600
And so this remarkable series draws to a close.
357
00:27:54,600 --> 00:28:01,500
I think it's fair to say that this has been
arguably the finest programme ever broadcast
358
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:06,500
and that I am some kind of god,
who should be worshipped as such.
359
00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:10,500
Next week, ''Coupling'' or something.
Goodbibe!
31723
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