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1
00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:05,881
Britain, Britain, Britain!
2
00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:08,675
Opened by the Queen in 1972,
3
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,179
Britain now attracts hundreds of visitors a year.
4
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,306
But why do they come?
5
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:17,976
Not just to discover
how chicken nuggets should really taste
6
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,396
or to take part
in the great British tradition of dogging.
7
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:25,734
No, they come in their drove
to meet the people of Britain.
8
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:29,154
And it is them
what we now here look at now today.
9
00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:31,365
Let's rock.
10
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,328
Vicky Pollard is well known
in her local supermarket
11
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:40,082
and is on first-name terms
with most of the security staff.
12
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:53,929
What are you looking at, pervert?
13
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,099
I told you.
You've got to put the pick 'n' mix in a bag.
14
00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:59,560
God, you're so racist!
15
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,523
All right now?
16
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,276
Are you gonna pay for those.
17
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:11,613
No but, yeah but, no but,
yeah, I was just about to do it if you had waited!
18
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:15,826
This is so unfair! I ain't ever done nothin'
or nothin'! This is like borstal!
19
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:18,620
If anyone's nicked anything, it's Michelle Pimm.
20
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:23,542
She put her hand up the chocolate machine to
nick a packet of Poppets and got her hand stuck.
21
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:27,796
I tried to cut it off, she had an eppy
and said I was educationally sub-normal.
22
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,300
But everyone knows
she's done it with an Alsatian!
23
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,427
OK, I think it's time to go now.
24
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,388
I was going anyway because I well hate this shop!
25
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:41,059
Bethany got a Saturday job here and someone
found a dead rat in the chocolate raisins.
26
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:46,231
Someone bought it and ate it and came back and
said, ''Have you got any more chocolate rats?''
27
00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:48,984
It's true. I swear on Duncan out of Blue's life!
28
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:52,112
- (BEEPING)
- Can you come back in, please?
29
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,866
This is harassment!
I'll take this to the Court of Human 'Pean Rights!
30
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,035
Lift up your arms.
31
00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:02,706
This is because you're in love with me
and want to gay me up. See? Totally innocent!
32
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,209
I-N-A, innocent!
33
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,215
- What's this?
- I bought that earlier.
34
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,346
(RINGS BELL)
35
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,515
- Morning!
- Afternoon!
36
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:23,519
These men are transvestites
and prefer to dress as ladies.
37
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:28,565
I myself am happy in both male and female
clothing, as I was born without genitals.
38
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,734
- Morning!
- Afternoon!
39
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:34,738
Two ladies on a bicyclette, that is all.
40
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:42,412
Now, Florence, my dear. Remember,
we are two ladies taking afternoon tea.
41
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:45,040
- Yes, Emily.
- I know this is very new to you.
42
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:48,335
The trick is
not to draw attention to yourself, hmm?
43
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,673
Two ladies for tea, please!
44
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,842
Yes, of course. This way.
45
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,678
- Oh! Ladies first.
- I am also a lady.
46
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,347
- Oh, yes.
- Here we are.
47
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,517
- Florence, do take a seat.
- No, after you, Emily.
48
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,144
- Florence, I insist.
- No, Emily, please!
49
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,772
We're both ladies. Who sits first?
50
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,983
- Oh!
- Oh!
51
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,442
Oh!
52
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,611
- Oh!
- Oh!
53
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,281
(DEEP VOICE) Sit down!
54
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,825
- Merci.
- Thank you.
55
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:23,745
Oh, Florence! Regardez le menu!
56
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:27,833
So many delicious foods and drinks
that a lady might enjoy.
57
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,128
Yes, it all looks so nice, doesn't it, my lady friend?
58
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:34,214
I don't know what to have.
Will you be having cake?
59
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:38,844
If they have a lady's cake, then yes, but only if.
We are ladies, aren't we?
60
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:44,099
- Oh, yes, we are most definitely two of them.
- Two ladies.
61
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:48,562
Why don't you order for both of us?
I'm off to powder my nose.
62
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:53,066
Other door!
63
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,611
Oh, yes.
64
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,238
Don't forget to sit down when you piss!
65
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:07,206
At this health spa in Trump, the manager
is keen to have a word with one of the guests.
66
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:11,585
- Mrs DeVere! Sorry, Mrs DeVere!
- Call me Bubbles. Everybody does.
67
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,046
- May I have a word?
- Can we walk and talk?
68
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:18,050
- I have an algae wrap at three.
- It's about this payment situation.
69
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,719
In five months we haven't received anything.
70
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:24,640
That's terrible, outrageous.
Has my husband not sent the cheque?
71
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:29,061
- No, we can't track him down.
- Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number?
72
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,396
- I don't have it.
- Got a pen, darling?
73
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:32,898
Yeah.
74
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:38,278
The number is 12...345...67...89. OK, darling?
75
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:42,908
Mrs DeVere! Mrs DeVere!
76
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,661
Hello, Gita. My turn now, darling.
77
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:49,748
- Miss Bubble, you're next door.
- Sorry, darling. See you at dinner.
78
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:55,003
Never, never, never let this girl go. Naughty!
What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.
79
00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:58,632
We need to resolve this now.
80
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:02,219
Very well, Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.
81
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,189
Are you a married man, Mr Hutton?
82
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,526
Yes, I am.
83
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:21,822
Yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room
with a rather beautiful woman.
84
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,783
That's very dangerous, don't you think?
85
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:27,703
I just really need the cheque.
86
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,997
Very clever, darling.
87
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,459
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
88
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:45,012
I'm sure we can come
to some sort of arrangement...Mr Hutton.
89
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:04,740
It is a quarter to half past five and Lou
is taking Andy back home from the shops.
90
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:09,328
Been on holiday? You've got a lovely tan on you.
Where have you been?
91
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,496
Oh, no!
92
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,832
I'm terribly sorry.
93
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,838
''Bruce's Price is Right''!
94
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,718
Did you enjoy that?
95
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,887
All right.
96
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:32,476
- Look, it's your favourite. ''The Price is Right''.
- Yeah, I know.
97
00:06:32,643 --> 00:06:37,356
It's always nice to meet the stars of our show,
whoever you are.
98
00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:41,026
I'll get started on the washing-up.
99
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:43,737
Helen Hunt, come on down!
100
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,784
Akshai Vikoria, come on down!
101
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:55,207
Andy Pipkin, come on down!
102
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:06,635
You are the first four contestants
on ''The Price is Right''!
103
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,178
Yeah, I know.
104
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:13,308
One thing this country does better
than all the others is fetes.
105
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:18,230
We can proudly boast
that Britain is the fete capital of the world.
106
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:21,567
That's cakes done. What's next, Judy?
107
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:25,404
- Next, Maggie, is jams.
- Jams? Jolly good.
108
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,156
Thank you, Judy. Now, what's this?
109
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:31,702
Oh, plum. Not my favourite conserve, Judy.
110
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:35,247
- Nor mine, Maggie.
- But we soldier on. Right...
111
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:40,919
Hmm! That's actually not bad for a plum.
It's rather good. Who made this?
112
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,714
- Erm, Emma Shepherd.
- Who?
113
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:47,634
Emma Shepherd,
the one who ran off with the schoolmistress.
114
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,559
Ohhh! Oh!
115
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:03,275
- Are you all right, Maggie?
- Judy, no more lesbian jam! I can't keep it down.
116
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:06,153
I'm so sorry, Maggie. I'll... I'll make a note.
117
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:11,283
Now, I'm assuming this is raspberry.
It's not properly labelled.
118
00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:14,912
Thank you.
119
00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:17,748
Hmm, not unpleasant. Who made this?
120
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:20,167
- Sarah Tennant.
- Remind me.
121
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,295
The one who's married to the man who's...
(MOUTHS)
122
00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:26,381
- I'm sorry?
- She married someone who's... (MOUTHS)
123
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,926
- She did what?
- She married a black man.
124
00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:35,849
Ohhhhhhh!
125
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,979
Oh, Judy, you could have warned me!
126
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,106
I'm so sorry, Maggie.
127
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:47,736
- Want... Want to carry on?
- Yes, we've got to get this done.
128
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,242
Well, next, Maggie,
we have the breakfast marmalade.
129
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,163
Hmm... Hmm! Very nice.
130
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:01,124
Hmm, quite tangy. Yes, put down ''tangy''.
131
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,503
- ''Tangy.''
- Very nice. Who made this?
132
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,589
Sanjana Patel.
133
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:11,260
Ohhhhhhhhhh!
134
00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:22,980
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
135
00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:27,568
Right, that's jams done, then. Next, pastries.
136
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:39,246
In the small mining village of Llandewi Breffi
is the home of homosexual gay, Dafydd Thomas.
137
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,583
Morning, Dafydd!
138
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,710
Gay rights now!
139
00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:50,591
It says there was a bucket stolen
in the village on Tuesday.
140
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,926
It's a crime wave.
141
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,182
Ma.
142
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:01,602
- Da.
- (BOTH) Morning, son.
143
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,564
There's something important
I have to tell you both.
144
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:09,943
Put your paper down, Dad.
Now, what is it you want to say?
145
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,780
Now, you know
I haven't really had any girlfriends.
146
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,533
You went out with that girl from the abattoir.
147
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,453
That was just a phase. Don't mention that again!
148
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:24,374
What about the girl at school with the lazy eye?
I thought you were quite taken with her.
149
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,377
Again, the folly of youth. No...
150
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:31,048
What I have to tell you both is that I am...
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
151
00:10:31,215 --> 00:10:33,008
Asthmatic?
152
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:38,347
No. I am...a gay. Oh!
153
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:44,144
- Oh, that's nice, dear.
- Yeah, good for you, lad.
154
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:47,397
- It says here the bucket had a chrome handle.
- Oh!
155
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,400
- So you don't mind?
- No.
156
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:53,111
You're not gonna disown me or cast me asunder?
157
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,656
Eh? Oh, no.
158
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,700
To be honest, love, we did have an inkling.
159
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:03,247
- So have you got a boyfriend, then?
- No.
160
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:06,667
Have you not had any arse action at all?
161
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:11,880
No. But I have been thinking about it,
which may shock you.
162
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:14,424
Well, I'll try and fix you up with someone.
163
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:18,846
That won't be very easy
as I am the only gay in the village.
164
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:24,685
Come to think of it, there's a handsome lad who
works down the mine. He takes it up the chuff.
165
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,062
No, thank you.
166
00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,648
I know who's mad for cock.
167
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,777
That chap who runs a sauna, you know, Gay Aled.
168
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:36,071
Gay Aled is not gay!
169
00:11:36,947 --> 00:11:41,493
Your Uncle Glyn's had him.
Apparently, he's very into water sports.
170
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,705
- That's nice for them.
- Yeah.
171
00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:50,002
I think we should invite the family round
on Sunday and I'll tell them then.
172
00:11:50,169 --> 00:11:55,174
- They won't like it, but it's time they knew.
- I don't think this Sunday will be much good.
173
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,551
Uncle Gareth has gone to San Francisco.
174
00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:01,054
Your cousin Bryn is going to Neath
to watch Shirley Bassey.
175
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,182
What about Auntie Seonad?
176
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:06,143
No, she just stays in on a Sunday
and eats minge.
177
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:17,446
When I see a fat person in a street,
I spit on them, as I would a dog,
178
00:12:17,613 --> 00:12:20,199
and would encourage you to do the same.
179
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:24,661
Oh, you've put on three grams.
You've been noshing again, haven't you?
180
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:28,415
Next time you feel peckish,
have a bit of dust, yeah?
181
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,918
Do you wanna waddle back to your seat?
182
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:36,590
Now, those of you who read
the FatFighters newsletter will be aware
183
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:40,302
that FatFighters has got a new spokesperson.
184
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:44,556
And we're very lucky
because she's paying a visit to our branch tonight.
185
00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:49,353
So, will you please give a warm welcome
to Vanessa Feltz?
186
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,647
Vanessa!
187
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:55,317
Vanessa Feltz! Mwah, mwah!
188
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:58,737
My good friend Vanessa Feltz from the television!
189
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:02,658
Come and sit down next to me...Vanessa Feltz.
190
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:07,246
So, Vanessa Feltz,
191
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:12,334
you - and I know you won't mind me saying it -
you were fat.
192
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:16,004
Wasn't she?
No, we're all friends here. We can say it.
193
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:18,298
And then you lost it all, didn't you?
194
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:21,093
Well, I was going though a traumatic divorce...
195
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:24,930
Then you piled it back on.
You looked really big in ''Take a Break''.
196
00:13:25,097 --> 00:13:27,641
I thought, ''That's the last thing she needs!''
197
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:31,395
- That's why I wanted to get involved...
- You lost it all again.
198
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:35,023
- Yes, but I've reached a...
- So, are you going up or down now?
199
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,442
I hope I've reached my optimum weight.
200
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:41,864
It's very important when you're dieting
to realise when that point comes.
201
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:46,118
Well, I think you could lose another stone.
At least!
202
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:51,790
OK, fatties, so it's a question and answer
with Vanessa Feltz.
203
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:54,710
So, who's got a question for Vanessa?
204
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:58,338
Vanessa will not want
to answer questions about the divorce
205
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,925
or when she went loopy-loo on
''I'm a Celebrity Big Brother''.
206
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:07,055
Don't ask her about the marriage to Grant Bovey
and the thing with the chocolate at her wedding.
207
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,808
- That's behind her.
- That was Anthea Turner.
208
00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,978
You can't blame Anthea for that,
but anyway, Meera?
209
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:15,522
- Vanessa...
- Hi, Meera.
210
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:20,235
You must have tried many diets in your time.
What was the worst diet you were on?
211
00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:24,907
- Well...
- Couldn't understand a word. Sorry, she is Asian.
212
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:29,161
I should have warned you.
Let's hear from an English person. Yes, Pat?
213
00:14:29,328 --> 00:14:31,538
- Hello, Vanessa.
- Hi, Pat.
214
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:37,586
First off, I must say what an inspiration it is
to see larger-framed women like yourself on TV.
215
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,713
- Thanks.
- But I wanted to know...
216
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,840
She's written a bloody essay!
217
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,801
Was it quite a struggle for you to get on TV?
218
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:49,890
It's just I'd love to be a TV presenter,
but I feel like my size might hold me back.
219
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:53,644
- Well, I think it is harder...
- You? On TV?!
220
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,104
Don't make me laugh!
221
00:14:56,271 --> 00:15:00,692
Vanessa may be big, but you are something else!
Look at her!
222
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,945
I call her Fat Pat, eh, Vanessa?
223
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:07,783
Actually, I'm putting together a new show
about dieting and our attitudes to food.
224
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:13,163
I'm looking for larger people to help present it,
so make sure you give me your phone number.
225
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,207
Thanks, I will.
226
00:15:15,374 --> 00:15:19,795
Pat, I'll make sure she gets your number.
I could do that. I'd love to be on TV.
227
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:24,716
No, sorry, not after what I've seen today.
You're obviously a total cow.
228
00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:28,971
- Anybody else?
- Yes, I've got a question for you, Vanessa Feltz.
229
00:15:32,683 --> 00:15:35,185
Thank you very much, Vanessa Feltz!
230
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:39,273
Vanessa Feltz.
231
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:47,155
Following the introduction of money to Britain
in 1997, banks like this one were opened.
232
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:54,580
- So, how much money do you wanna borrow?
- Two thousand pounds, please.
233
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:59,001
Two...thousand...pounds.
234
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,963
Computer says no.
235
00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:06,550
Is there nothing we can do?
236
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,930
Right, erm, well,
maybe if I asked to borrow a bit less.
237
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,391
I dunno, fifteen hundred pounds?
238
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:18,896
Fifteen...hundred...pounds.
239
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,984
- Computer says no.
- Oh.
240
00:16:24,151 --> 00:16:26,570
Can I have a word with the manager?
241
00:16:29,615 --> 00:16:32,284
Computer says no.
242
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:35,370
So, that's it? There's nothing you can do?
243
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,539
Give me a minute.
244
00:16:38,790 --> 00:16:42,336
(QUIETLY) The man says
he wants to borrow two thousand pounds.
245
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:46,465
(MUTTERS QUIETLY)
246
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,348
Computer says no.
247
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:58,060
(COUGHS)
248
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,941
Posh people are much better and cleverer
than common people.
249
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,652
And so they live in nicer houses like this.
250
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,529
Hello!
251
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,697
Love's young dream!
252
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:15,285
Today, Harvey Pinch's parents
are meeting his girlfriend for the first time.
253
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:17,538
It's a lovely house you have here.
254
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,499
We're very lucky. It's been in the family for years.
255
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:24,127
Tell us about you, Jane.
Harvey says you work in publishing.
256
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:27,756
Yes, it's a small house.
We mainly do history books.
257
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:31,760
I'll tell you a wonderful battle - Battle of Culloden.
Any books on that?
258
00:17:31,927 --> 00:17:35,013
- What time is dinner, Mummy?
- It'll be another hour.
259
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:38,934
- But I'm hungry.
- Well, you'll have to wait.
260
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,144
So, how did you two meet?
261
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:45,607
It was through a friend that I work with
who was at Bristol with Harvey.
262
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:48,151
- Bitty!
- No, not bitty now, bitty later.
263
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:49,736
Bitty!
264
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:53,657
Now, look. If you have bitty now,
you're not gonna want any supper.
265
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:56,285
I want bitty.
266
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,662
Come along, then.
267
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:09,840
Sorry, Jane. Do carry on.
268
00:18:10,716 --> 00:18:13,886
- Um...
- You were telling us about how you met.
269
00:18:14,553 --> 00:18:16,430
Oh.
270
00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:19,892
Well, I was at a party and, um...
271
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:26,148
- We got talking.
- I'd seen you once before at Simon's 30th.
272
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:28,859
- But we didn't really speak then.
- No.
273
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:30,986
No, but we sort of...
274
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:35,157
..noticed...each other.
275
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:37,326
More wine, anybody?
276
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:39,953
Fine, thank you, Daddy.
277
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,123
You are hungry today, aren't you?
278
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,501
Do you have your own place in London?
279
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:50,005
No, my brother and I both still live at home
with our parents.
280
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,673
Really?
281
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:55,802
Yes, we have tried to move out,
but Mum and Dad don't want us to leave.
282
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,847
Oh, I think it's terribly important to let go.
283
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,393
(BURPS LOUDLY) Thank you, Mummy.
284
00:19:05,938 --> 00:19:08,398
Welcome to the family.
285
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:16,615
It's nought o'clock and at this shop in Phlegm,
Mr Man is looking for a date.
286
00:19:16,782 --> 00:19:20,244
I had a date once. It was the 11th of November.
287
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:25,040
- Hello.
- Hello. So, how can I help you?
288
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:29,169
I'm looking to meet a woman
with the name of Linda Williams.
289
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,548
You're looking for a specific person?
290
00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:36,844
No, I'm looking to meet any woman
with the name of Linda Williams.
291
00:19:37,845 --> 00:19:41,306
- Any particular reason?
- I like that name.
292
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:43,809
- It's not my favourite.
- No?
293
00:19:43,976 --> 00:19:47,437
No, my favourite name is Catherine Drew,
294
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:50,983
but at my time of life,
you can't afford to be too picky.
295
00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:54,820
Because as I always say...
296
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,701
Right, OK.
297
00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:03,787
Let's just take down some of your particulars.
298
00:20:04,955 --> 00:20:07,541
What age of woman are you looking to meet?
299
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:12,129
Oh, really,
anybody between the ages of 38 and 39.
300
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,924
Right. Height?
301
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:19,094
She should have some height, yes.
302
00:20:20,304 --> 00:20:22,973
- Hair?
- I do prefer it.
303
00:20:23,140 --> 00:20:25,517
No, any particular length?
304
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:28,145
Oh, anything from here...
305
00:20:28,312 --> 00:20:29,897
to here.
306
00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:35,444
Right. OK, well, I'll just have a look in the file.
307
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:41,283
Oh, I can't see anyone in here. One moment...
308
00:20:42,910 --> 00:20:45,662
Margaret! Margaret!
309
00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:52,127
Yes?
310
00:20:52,294 --> 00:20:56,173
The gentleman wants to know
if we have any women named Linda Williams.
311
00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:59,051
- We've got a Lindsay Williams.
- Lindsay Williams?
312
00:20:59,218 --> 00:21:01,470
Absolutely no way.
313
00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:03,805
- Absolutely no way!
- Oh.
314
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,974
Oh.
315
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,310
- There's a Linda Willis.
- Linda Willis?
316
00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:11,271
Would she be interested in changing her name?
317
00:21:12,356 --> 00:21:15,901
- Would she be interested in changing her name?
- I don't know.
318
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:17,861
- She doesn't know.
- Oh.
319
00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:19,571
Oh!
320
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:24,701
Roy, have you checked the red file?
I think there might be a Linda Williams in there.
321
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:31,250
Oh, yes, how funny!
We do have a Linda Williams. Yes.
322
00:21:31,416 --> 00:21:34,545
She's 38, she's got shoulder-length hair,
very pretty.
323
00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:39,633
- (MARGARET) Well?
- Well?
324
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,386
Did I mention she should have a glass eye?
325
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:47,724
Margaret!
326
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:49,810
Margaret!
327
00:21:50,978 --> 00:21:54,022
Number 10 Downing Street is
the home of the Prime Minister.
328
00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:56,191
I was asked to be Prime Minister,
329
00:21:56,358 --> 00:22:00,362
but it clashed with a voiceover
I was doing for Cadbury's Mini Eggs.
330
00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:06,702
Here are the policy documents
for the NATO summit, Prime Minister.
331
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:12,624
Thank you. And I'll need one of you
to come with me to Bruges this evening
332
00:22:12,791 --> 00:22:14,710
in advance of the talks tomorrow.
333
00:22:14,877 --> 00:22:16,962
Ooh! Ooh!
334
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:26,054
- Gregory, would you like to go?
- I'd be delighted.
335
00:22:26,221 --> 00:22:29,474
- Would you pack my case?
- With pleasure, Prime Minister.
336
00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:32,436
But I know where all your pants and socks are.
337
00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:37,316
- And make sure that the car's standing by.
- Yes, Prime Minister.
338
00:22:37,482 --> 00:22:41,486
''Yes, Prime Minister, no, Prime Minister,
three bags full, Prime Minister!''
339
00:22:41,653 --> 00:22:43,655
(PHONE BUZZES)
340
00:22:46,283 --> 00:22:49,077
- Yeah?
- New Leader of the Opposition to see you.
341
00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:51,246
Thank you. Send him up.
342
00:22:52,039 --> 00:22:55,834
Erm, you don't have a problem
with me taking Gregory to the summit?
343
00:22:56,001 --> 00:22:59,087
No, no, I'm not bothered. No, you guys have fun.
344
00:22:59,254 --> 00:23:02,799
- You know, it's just that I...
- Don't touch me, please!
345
00:23:03,759 --> 00:23:06,345
- (KNOCKING)
- Come in.
346
00:23:07,387 --> 00:23:10,432
Oh! So, this would be my office!
347
00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:13,018
(BOTH LAUGH)
348
00:23:13,602 --> 00:23:17,439
- Hi, Mike. How are you?
- Don't get too used to it, Philip.
349
00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:24,196
- My aide, Sebastian Love.
- Oh.
350
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:27,366
Hi. Just need to search you.
351
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:30,035
OK, fine.
352
00:23:30,202 --> 00:23:32,829
Sebastian, I don't think that's necessary.
353
00:23:33,747 --> 00:23:35,165
Oh.
354
00:23:35,666 --> 00:23:36,959
Oh!
355
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:40,629
- Philip, please, take a seat.
- Yes, thank you very much.
356
00:23:42,047 --> 00:23:44,508
The press have been very kind to you today.
357
00:23:44,675 --> 00:23:48,136
Yeah, I was surprised.
Even the ''Guardian'' were positive.
358
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:50,848
Gorgeous photo of him, wasn't it, Michael?
359
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,141
Tea?
360
00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:56,228
- I'm sorry?
- Cup of tea?
361
00:23:56,395 --> 00:24:00,482
- Are you having one?
- Never mind him. You want one, you have one.
362
00:24:00,649 --> 00:24:03,026
Well, yes, thank you very much.
363
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:10,784
Are you advising your MPs
to block my educational reforms?
364
00:24:10,951 --> 00:24:14,705
- That's the reason you invited me here?
- I don't think...
365
00:24:14,872 --> 00:24:16,415
Finger?
366
00:24:17,457 --> 00:24:19,835
- I'm sorry?
- Chocolate finger?
367
00:24:21,086 --> 00:24:24,256
- No, thanks.
- Go on. Treat yourself.
368
00:24:26,091 --> 00:24:28,802
I like to dunk mine and suck off the chocolate.
369
00:24:33,056 --> 00:24:35,100
Sebastian! Thank you.
370
00:24:39,897 --> 00:24:44,860
I just don't see that these reforms need
to turn into a party political issue.
371
00:24:45,068 --> 00:24:48,947
- Don't let him bully you!
- That's between me and the Shadow Cabinet.
372
00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:51,074
Yeah, you go for it, girl!
373
00:24:53,076 --> 00:24:56,788
Well, I'd better be going.
I've got an interview with Paxman.
374
00:24:56,955 --> 00:24:59,166
- Good luck!
- He had you, didn't he?
375
00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:01,960
- He did not!
- (WHISPERS) He did.
376
00:25:02,753 --> 00:25:04,880
It's nice to see you again, Michael.
377
00:25:05,047 --> 00:25:07,591
- Good luck with the NATO summit.
- Thank you.
378
00:25:07,758 --> 00:25:11,220
- Are you going, Sebastian?
- No, he's taking a black boy.
379
00:25:14,806 --> 00:25:16,808
Well, it's nice to meet you.
380
00:25:16,975 --> 00:25:19,603
I'll text you my number, yeah?
381
00:25:19,770 --> 00:25:21,772
Yes, thank you.
382
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:28,695
Goodbye.
383
00:25:30,322 --> 00:25:33,367
Sebastian, that was an extraordinary display!
384
00:25:33,534 --> 00:25:36,203
Ooh, jealous!
385
00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:45,003
It's half past Tommy, and Judy and Maggie
have completed their judging.
386
00:25:45,170 --> 00:25:50,259
Ladies, thank you so much for judging the jams.
387
00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:53,053
- It was a pleasure, Vicar.
- Thank you, Vicar.
388
00:25:53,220 --> 00:25:55,264
- Care for a fairy cake?
- Thank you.
389
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:59,393
Yes, thank you. Hmm! Oh, these look lovely.
390
00:26:00,269 --> 00:26:01,854
Hmm, delicious!
391
00:26:02,020 --> 00:26:05,983
These were actually made by the people
in the homeless shelter.
392
00:26:14,074 --> 00:26:19,204
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
393
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:25,919
Ohh!
394
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,143
After a morning spent removing
all the ''K''s from Andy's Alphabetti Spaghetti,
395
00:26:41,310 --> 00:26:44,146
Lou is taking his friend to the park.
396
00:26:44,313 --> 00:26:48,150
- Don't eat all the bread. That's for the ducks!
- Yeah, I know.
397
00:26:48,317 --> 00:26:50,319
Oi, oi, Ironside!
398
00:26:51,069 --> 00:26:53,822
- Come over here and say that!
- Rise above it.
399
00:26:53,989 --> 00:26:56,575
- They're taking the mick.
- Just ignore it.
400
00:26:59,203 --> 00:27:03,540
- Someone should give them lot a smack.
- I thought you were against violence.
401
00:27:03,749 --> 00:27:07,002
You said violence is the last bastion
of moral cowardice.
402
00:27:07,169 --> 00:27:10,589
- Yeah, I know.
- Leave it, then. Let's feed the ducks.
403
00:27:10,756 --> 00:27:12,758
Oi! Oi, Davros!
404
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:17,804
Peaceful here, innit? That's why I like it.
405
00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:21,350
A chance to really think and reflect on your life.
406
00:27:21,517 --> 00:27:25,687
I find the water very calming
and I know you do, too.
407
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:29,775
Especially on a day like today. Absolutely magical.
408
00:27:29,942 --> 00:27:32,945
All the troubles of the world just float away.
409
00:27:34,321 --> 00:27:38,575
Oh, good, they've gone. See? Rise above it!
410
00:27:38,742 --> 00:27:40,702
Yeah, I know.
411
00:27:46,083 --> 00:27:50,379
And so it is time to leave Little Britain
for another week.
412
00:27:50,546 --> 00:27:54,591
I have been asked to read the names of people
who have to go to bed now.
413
00:27:54,758 --> 00:27:59,930
Peter Goodman,
Susanna and Robin Fellows, Kathleen Willetts,
414
00:28:00,097 --> 00:28:02,975
Sir Henry Faulkner and Mickey.
415
00:28:03,141 --> 00:28:04,643
Good nigh!
416
00:28:04,810 --> 00:28:07,104
(ANDY) Have you got my inhaler?
34433
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