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Britain, Britain, Britainl
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00:00:06,367 --> 00:00:08,835
Population: one millions.
3
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Number of towns: nine. Average height: thirty.
4
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Shoe sizel But just who are Britain?
5
00:00:15,727 --> 00:00:19,322
Over the next eleventeen weeks,
we aim to find out
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00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:22,445
by following the lives of ordinary British folk.
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What do they? Who is they?
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And why?
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British justice is the best in the world.
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00:00:33,127 --> 00:00:38,485
Anyone who disagrees
is either a gay, a woman or a mental.
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Vicky Pollard,
you have been charged with shoplifting.
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00:00:44,687 --> 00:00:49,078
On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went
into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug.
13
00:00:49,247 --> 00:00:53,240
Once there, you attempted to steal
an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull
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00:00:53,407 --> 00:00:56,843
by concealing them in your leggings.
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00:00:59,887 --> 00:01:05,996
In the face of the overwhelming evidence
we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty?
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No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing
I don't know nothin' about.
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00:01:10,327 --> 00:01:12,716
Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there.
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Then Meredith came over and stirred it up
and called me these things.
19
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:23,204
Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug?
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No but, yeah but, no, 'cause of this whole other
thing that Meredith says weren't a thing,
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00:01:27,527 --> 00:01:29,802
but don't listen 'cause she's a complete slag.
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00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:32,356
Meredith? Who is Meredith?
23
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:36,725
The one who done that thing, but if she gives
you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty.
24
00:01:36,887 --> 00:01:38,878
Thing? What thing?
25
00:01:39,047 --> 00:01:44,201
Yeah, I know. And anyway there was this whole
other thing I didn't even know about or nothin'
26
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:49,157
Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine
fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink.
27
00:01:49,327 --> 00:01:54,526
I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen
to her. She had a baby and didn't tell anyone.
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00:01:54,687 --> 00:01:57,520
Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time?
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00:01:57,687 --> 00:02:02,886
No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no but,
yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber.
30
00:02:03,047 --> 00:02:08,075
- Amber? Who's Amber?
- Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is.
31
00:02:08,247 --> 00:02:12,240
- Vicky, I don't think you realise...
- No, but there's this other thing, right...
32
00:02:12,407 --> 00:02:16,002
- If you're found guilty...
- You can't say that, right...
33
00:02:16,167 --> 00:02:20,843
- I'm allergic to cat hair.
- Are you going to keep interrupting me?!
34
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:25,523
- No, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak.
- Good.
35
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:29,043
- Now, we've heard from...
- Oh, my God! Right...
36
00:02:29,207 --> 00:02:32,279
- I give up!
- Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers.
37
00:02:32,447 --> 00:02:37,601
Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went
on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head.
38
00:02:38,967 --> 00:02:43,563
- Does the defence have anything to say?
- Yes, M'L ord.
39
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:48,803
Vicky, have you got my purse?
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00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:56,916
It's a quarter past Gillian, and the Aberdoone
Stook Hoose in Scotchland is serving dinner.
41
00:02:59,007 --> 00:03:04,604
- Would you pass me another breadstick, love?
- There you go, dear. Lovely soup, isn't it?
42
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:07,406
Very tangy.
I'd love to know what they put in it.
43
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:10,161
I hear ye talkin' aboot ma soups!
44
00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:15,002
- You must be the chef.
- Maybe I am and maybe I'm not!
45
00:03:15,167 --> 00:03:17,965
(FOLK TUNE)
46
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:23,806
- Well, eh, are you?
- Ye-e-es!
47
00:03:23,967 --> 00:03:29,121
My wife, Morag, and myself were complimenting
your broth. We'd love to make it at home.
48
00:03:29,287 --> 00:03:32,279
You'd like to know ma secrets, would you?
49
00:03:35,807 --> 00:03:40,562
- Well, yes.
- Have you ever heard of a thing called butter?
50
00:03:41,687 --> 00:03:46,681
- Well, yes.
- Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.
51
00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:49,281
Yes, eh... butter.
52
00:03:50,407 --> 00:03:53,763
- Anything else?
- Ye-e-es!
53
00:03:53,927 --> 00:03:56,919
- Are you going to tell us?
- Ye-e-es!
54
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:05,039
Have you ever heard the legend of the seeded
fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable?
55
00:04:05,207 --> 00:04:09,200
- Oh, the tomato.
- Red in colour and fleshy within.
56
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:11,756
But beware of the pips!
57
00:04:13,967 --> 00:04:17,562
They call it the tom-ato!
58
00:04:17,727 --> 00:04:20,764
- The tomato.
- Ye-e-es!
59
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,725
- Anything else?
- Ye-e-es!
60
00:04:24,727 --> 00:04:26,285
Well?
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00:04:26,447 --> 00:04:29,439
Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow?
62
00:04:30,447 --> 00:04:33,041
Yes, I do believe I've heard of a cow.
63
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:37,359
Ah, but did you know
the cow secretes a liquor from its udder?
64
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:40,087
Yes! Milk!
65
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,885
Oh.
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00:04:42,047 --> 00:04:43,685
Em...
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00:04:44,767 --> 00:04:47,725
(FEEBLE FLOURISH)
68
00:04:51,047 --> 00:04:54,642
- Well, thank you very much.
- Have you ever heard...
69
00:04:54,807 --> 00:04:57,401
- Of what?
- Salt!
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00:04:57,567 --> 00:05:00,957
(A COUNTRY JIG)
71
00:05:06,087 --> 00:05:08,885
Yes, we're familiar with salt.
72
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:13,245
Ah! You fell into my trap,
for I speak of the foe of salt!
73
00:05:13,407 --> 00:05:16,604
- Pepper (!)
- You know too much!
74
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:22,600
So it's butter, tomato, milk, salt and pepper?
Do you use a vegetable stock with that?
75
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,564
- Ye-e-es!
- Is that it?
76
00:05:24,727 --> 00:05:26,365
Ye-e-es!
77
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:29,519
Well, thank you very much. So, Morag...
78
00:05:29,687 --> 00:05:32,281
Ye know too much! Ye know...
79
00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:35,482
...too much!
80
00:05:35,647 --> 00:05:39,242
Ye know too much!
81
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:42,524
So, any...
82
00:05:42,687 --> 00:05:47,477
- Morag, you were telling me about...
- I'll leave ye with a riddle!
83
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:53,643
I'm hard, yet soft. I'm coloured, yet clear.
I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly - what am I?
84
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:59,555
- Jelly.
- Muse upon it further. I shall return.
85
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,163
- It's jelly, though, isn't it?
- Ye-e-es!
86
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:20,520
Oh, yes, you're very tense,
aren't you, Jonathan?
87
00:06:20,687 --> 00:06:24,680
I think the thing to do
is to try and think of something relaxing.
88
00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:29,443
When I want to relax,
I like to think of a herd of marauding buffalo,
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00:06:29,607 --> 00:06:33,600
trampling through a village.
The villagers are fleeing.
90
00:06:33,767 --> 00:06:37,555
Perhaps one or two of them
are caught in the melee.
91
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,156
You still seem very tense.
92
00:06:42,647 --> 00:06:46,925
We continue our journey in Merkin,
a happy town just north of Troot.
93
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:51,285
It's midday, and rubbish transvestite
Emily Howard is paying a visit
94
00:06:51,447 --> 00:06:54,041
to his local swimming pool.
95
00:06:56,167 --> 00:06:59,364
Ahem! Ah-he-hem!
96
00:07:04,087 --> 00:07:10,322
First things first. I am a lady
and I would like a ladies' swim, please.
97
00:07:10,487 --> 00:07:13,843
Er, yeah. Men, women, whatever. It's L2.60.
98
00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:18,000
That's right. A ladies' swim.
Oh, where's my purse?
99
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:23,525
It's in my ladies' handbag
that I bought from a ladies' shop. From a lady.
100
00:07:24,847 --> 00:07:30,399
These coins are so heavy! Of course,
you wouldn't notice, being a man.
101
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:36,164
Heaven knows what that is like!
I do not. How could I? I'm a lady!
102
00:07:36,327 --> 00:07:40,161
Tell me, is there a poo-el
reserved for womenfolk?
103
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:45,117
- No, there's just one pool. It's mixed.
- No! Really?
104
00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:49,678
Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm!
105
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:54,237
Yeah, there is a "ladies only" swim night.
On Tuesday nights.
106
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:58,195
- Tuesday nights you say?
- Yeah. So you can't come then.
107
00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:05,361
No, you're right. I can't come then. I'm doing
ladies' things that night, that ladies do.
108
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,121
Because that's what I am. A lady!
109
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:12,883
Ooh! I've dropped
my lace handkerchief on the floor.
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(HE SIGHS)
111
00:08:17,327 --> 00:08:21,320
- There you are, mate.
- I bet you wonder what the initials stand for.
112
00:08:21,487 --> 00:08:26,277
E.H. - it's Emily. Emily Howard. I have
a lady's name because that's what I am. A lady.
113
00:08:26,447 --> 00:08:31,965
- Yeah. The pool's that way.
- Thank you. Where are the changing rooms?
114
00:08:32,127 --> 00:08:34,800
The men's changing rooms are just over there.
115
00:08:34,967 --> 00:08:39,995
Oh, so you have changing rooms for men.
Very good. And the ladies?
116
00:08:40,167 --> 00:08:45,195
Well, the ladies' change -
which is for ladies only - is right next door.
117
00:08:45,367 --> 00:08:47,961
Merci, monsieur!
118
00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:52,404
So men can't go in there! They get thrown out!
119
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I should hope so!
120
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,156
Thank you. I've found it.
121
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,164
Ooh!
122
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,556
Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops.
123
00:09:23,727 --> 00:09:26,321
This isn't a toy shop. It's a real shop.
124
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:43,035
Hello! Looking for anything in particular?
125
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:48,964
Yes, do you have any pirate memory games
suitable for children between 4 and 8?
126
00:09:49,127 --> 00:09:51,516
Eh, I'll just have a look.
127
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:55,961
I can't see any here. One moment.
128
00:09:56,967 --> 00:09:59,879
Margaret? Margaret?
129
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:15,721
- Yes?
- A gentleman here wants pirate memory games.
130
00:10:15,887 --> 00:10:18,003
- Ages 4...
- Ages 4 to 8.
131
00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:21,159
We should have some, up by the farm toys.
132
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:26,161
Oh, yes. Here we are.
133
00:10:26,327 --> 00:10:30,479
Pieces of Eight. A pirate memory game.
Ages 4 to 8.
134
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:34,401
- Can I have a look?
- There you go.
135
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:37,877
"Match the pirates and find the treasure."
136
00:10:38,047 --> 00:10:41,039
That all right for you?
137
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:47,156
Have you got any other pirate memory games?
138
00:10:47,327 --> 00:10:50,399
- Em...
- It's not quite what I had in mind.
139
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,886
I can't see any here. One moment.
140
00:10:57,047 --> 00:11:00,835
- Margaret? Margaret?
- What?
141
00:11:01,007 --> 00:11:03,999
- Have we got any other pirate memory games?
- What?
142
00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:07,284
- Have we got any other pirate memory games?
- No!
143
00:11:07,447 --> 00:11:12,999
- That's the only one. What's wrong with that?
- That's the only one. What's wrong with that?
144
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:18,161
- I wanted something a little less pirate-y.
- He wanted something a little less pirate-y!
145
00:11:18,327 --> 00:11:21,319
- Has he tried Simmons?
- Have you tried Simmons?
146
00:11:21,487 --> 00:11:25,002
- Yes, I've just been there.
- I don't know what to suggest.
147
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:28,477
Is there a shop that specialises
in pirate memory games?
148
00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:32,640
Er, I'm not sure. Margaret'll know. One moment.
149
00:11:32,807 --> 00:11:38,837
Margaret? Margaret? Is there a shop
that specialises in pirate memory games?
150
00:11:39,007 --> 00:11:43,000
- Near here.
- I don't think there are any in the local area!
151
00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:46,796
She doesn't think there are any
in the local area.
152
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:50,765
OK, I'll... I'll just wait.
153
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,835
10 Downing Street is the home
of the Prime Minister.
154
00:12:10,007 --> 00:12:15,001
The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who is,
like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
155
00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:34,035
So it is with great reluctance that I have
decided to accept the minister's resignation.
156
00:12:34,207 --> 00:12:38,564
- I'll take a few questions.
- Boyd Hilton, "Smash Hits".
157
00:12:38,767 --> 00:12:42,760
Prime Minister, do you admit
the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?
158
00:12:42,927 --> 00:12:46,920
- I've answered that question already. Next.
- Greg Davis, "Puzzler".
159
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:51,558
- Have you appointed a replacement?
- We'll make an announcement shortly.
160
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:55,322
Angus Thomas, "Kerrang!".
Who's next to go from your Cabinet?
161
00:12:55,487 --> 00:12:58,081
There will be no more resignations.
162
00:12:58,247 --> 00:13:02,559
Roy Sloan, "Whizzer and Chips".
Have you lost your strongest ally?
163
00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:05,366
There is no rift in the Cabinet.
164
00:13:05,527 --> 00:13:10,647
- Andrew Jarman, "Dinosaur Magazine".
- Sorry, I don't know that one.
165
00:13:10,807 --> 00:13:15,597
It's new. You get a free binder with Part One.
You collect it over 24 weeks.
166
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:19,601
It's everything you need to know
about dinosaurs.
167
00:13:19,767 --> 00:13:21,758
Oh, yes? Go ahead.
168
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,725
Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question.
169
00:13:26,247 --> 00:13:31,037
Roger Wakeley, "Asian Babes". Given your
support of yet another disgraced minister,
170
00:13:31,207 --> 00:13:33,675
hasn't your position become untenable?
171
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:37,442
- Certainly not. One more question.
- George Paxton, "Daily Telegraph".
172
00:13:37,607 --> 00:13:40,838
Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
173
00:13:42,367 --> 00:13:44,756
Yes, a lot of stress knots in your ear.
174
00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:49,717
Imagine a gang of children
throwing stones at a pensioner.
175
00:13:49,887 --> 00:13:54,881
He is weeping softly
as they lift him and put him into a wheelie bin.
176
00:13:56,527 --> 00:14:00,918
The wheelie bin is being pushed down a hill now
and the children have let go.
177
00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:05,442
It's careering towards a busy road.
178
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:08,365
Relax.
179
00:14:10,407 --> 00:14:13,205
(WHISTLING CHEERFULLY)
180
00:14:14,807 --> 00:14:19,005
If there's one thing that brings
this country down, it's fat people.
181
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:23,285
They're heavy, they're rude
and in summer they smell.
182
00:14:23,447 --> 00:14:26,041
I know. Well, they're all the same. Yeah.
183
00:14:26,207 --> 00:14:31,156
I'd better go. I've got my fat people round.
All right. OK, bye.
184
00:14:31,327 --> 00:14:33,716
OK, sorry about that.
185
00:14:33,887 --> 00:14:37,641
So, welcome to "FatFighters".
186
00:14:37,807 --> 00:14:42,801
I've been looking forward to finding out how
we're all doing in our fight against the flab.
187
00:14:42,967 --> 00:14:46,676
So let's start by going round the circle. Paul.
188
00:14:46,847 --> 00:14:50,237
Hello, I'm Paul.
I'm three stone off my target weight.
189
00:14:50,407 --> 00:14:53,956
I'm Pat. I'm five stones
and one pound off my target weight.
190
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:57,961
My name is Meera
and I am one stone off my target weight.
191
00:14:58,127 --> 00:15:01,563
And I am Marjorie and I am my target weight.
192
00:15:01,727 --> 00:15:06,517
OK, so it's a special day today at "FatFighters"
193
00:15:06,687 --> 00:15:10,282
because we have a new member!
194
00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:15,123
He is a new member.
His name is Christopher Halliday.
195
00:15:15,287 --> 00:15:19,280
He's just turned 13 and he's got
a little bit of a problem with food.
196
00:15:19,447 --> 00:15:22,405
Now, we're all friends here at "FatFighters"
197
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:26,560
and I've promised his mum
we're all going to be extra special nice to him.
198
00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,924
- Hello!
- So, Chris...
199
00:15:30,087 --> 00:15:36,083
...I hear they bully you at school.
What do they say, Chris? What do they call you?
200
00:15:36,247 --> 00:15:38,636
- Fatty.
- Fatty?
201
00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:42,163
Oh, that's awful.
202
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,956
- Not Fatty Bum Bum?
- No.
203
00:15:46,127 --> 00:15:49,517
They don't go, "Ooh, Fatty Bum Bum"?
No, just Fatty.
204
00:15:50,967 --> 00:15:53,356
The Incredible Bulk?
205
00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:56,121
Piggy? Pigs In Space!
206
00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,278
- No.
- No.
207
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,959
Oh! Chubby Checker? Fat Greedy Boy?
208
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,401
- Cracker!
- No.
209
00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:17,086
- They don't ALL make fun of me, you know.
- No, but... the other ones will be thinking it.
210
00:16:17,247 --> 00:16:24,483
So, what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday
about losing some of this excess weight? Paul?
211
00:16:24,647 --> 00:16:28,356
- Eat sensibly.
- That's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
212
00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:33,476
- Don't eat too much chocolate.
- What? Chocolate's the only friend he's got!
213
00:16:33,647 --> 00:16:35,877
- Meera?
- Exercise.
214
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:37,685
- What?
- Exercise.
215
00:16:37,847 --> 00:16:39,599
- Do it again.
- Exercise.
216
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:41,917
- Do it again.
- Exercise!
217
00:16:42,087 --> 00:16:43,884
- One more?
- Exercise!
218
00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:49,677
No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris.
Getting some exercise. That reminds me.
219
00:16:49,847 --> 00:16:52,759
A lot of hidden calories in curry. But exercise.
220
00:16:52,927 --> 00:16:56,715
Anything, really - football, jogging, football.
221
00:16:56,887 --> 00:17:01,278
I do 10 minutes of step aerobics every month
and that's why I'm so thin.
222
00:17:01,447 --> 00:17:04,200
- You're not thin. You're fat.
- I'm sorry?
223
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:09,157
- He said you're fat.
- I heard what he said! No name-calling here!
224
00:17:10,767 --> 00:17:13,361
Ooh! That hurt. That really did hurt.
225
00:17:13,527 --> 00:17:15,722
Ooh! Oh.
226
00:17:15,887 --> 00:17:17,878
Oh...
227
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:21,956
No, it should be there.
228
00:17:22,967 --> 00:17:27,961
I know you're new, Christopher, but that's not
how we do things at "FatFighters", all right?
229
00:17:28,127 --> 00:17:30,721
Right, we'll... We'll move on.
230
00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:33,276
We'll put it behind us.
231
00:17:33,447 --> 00:17:38,237
Our presentation topic today -
Legal & Illegal Foods.
232
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:41,365
Chrissy, want to give me a hand with the board?
233
00:17:42,807 --> 00:17:47,403
You ever do anything like that again,
I'm gonna kill your mum.
234
00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:53,205
Back at 10 Downing Street,
the Prime Minister is meeting one of his aides.
235
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:58,361
- Have the results of the opinion poll come?
- I've got them right here, Prime Minister.
236
00:17:58,527 --> 00:18:00,916
What sort of things are people saying?
237
00:18:01,087 --> 00:18:05,877
Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland,
strong approval on health service reforms
238
00:18:06,047 --> 00:18:08,436
and they'd like to see you in shorts.
239
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:13,840
- Shorts?
- Yeah. A pair of cycling shorts or something.
240
00:18:14,007 --> 00:18:18,000
- Oh.
- They like your tough stance on crime.
241
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:23,366
And they like it when your hair's a bit wet,
'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister.
242
00:18:23,527 --> 00:18:27,918
- They'd like to see you wrestle a man.
- I'm sorry?
243
00:18:28,087 --> 00:18:33,366
Bosnia good, education could do better,
wrestling men I've covered...
244
00:18:33,527 --> 00:18:37,520
- Can I have a look at them?
- Yeah, just right here.
245
00:18:37,687 --> 00:18:41,680
Now, Railtrack.
Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still.
246
00:18:42,687 --> 00:18:45,076
Make a wish!
247
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:51,636
Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner.
We're running very late. Change here.
248
00:18:51,807 --> 00:18:54,605
- Thank you, darling.
- Have you seen my earrings?
249
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,077
I don't know. Which ones?
You do know Sebastian?
250
00:18:58,247 --> 00:19:01,842
- Hello, Sebastian.
- Hi (!)
251
00:19:03,247 --> 00:19:07,763
- Sorry. We're having a meeting here!
- Have you tried the bathroom?
252
00:19:07,927 --> 00:19:10,566
Now, don't be long.
253
00:19:10,727 --> 00:19:14,242
- See you later, darling.
- I'm not going.
254
00:19:14,407 --> 00:19:17,399
- I was talking to my wife.
- Bye, Sebastian.
255
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:19,364
Whatever (!)
256
00:19:19,527 --> 00:19:24,521
So, anyway, um... Oh, God! I've completely
forgotten what I was gonna say!
257
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:30,763
- Thanks for coming in. I should get changed.
- Yes, of course. Of course.
258
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:36,761
- And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary?
- I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister.
259
00:19:43,647 --> 00:19:48,243
Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend
by first thing on Monday
260
00:19:48,407 --> 00:19:51,205
because it's quite... big?
261
00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:57,797
- Yes, Sebastian. Now, if you don't mind...
- Quick, Prime Minister! Get down!
262
00:19:57,967 --> 00:20:01,357
- What's going on?
- I thought there was a sniper.
263
00:20:01,527 --> 00:20:04,519
- Where?
- By the window, but there isn't.
264
00:20:08,767 --> 00:20:11,156
Can we get up now?
265
00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:13,966
Give it a minute.
266
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:19,559
Darling, isn't it time you got rid of Sebastian?
267
00:20:22,047 --> 00:20:24,117
It's late noon in Britain's capital city.
268
00:20:25,287 --> 00:20:27,676
Come on. We'll give you half-price.
269
00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:32,238
Theatrical agent Jeremy Rent
receives a visit from one of his clients.
270
00:20:32,407 --> 00:20:37,003
- Dennis Waterman's arrived.
- Excellent news. Send him in.
271
00:20:39,247 --> 00:20:42,523
- Hello!
- Dennis!
272
00:20:42,687 --> 00:20:45,326
Lovely to see you, dear heart. Do take a seat.
273
00:20:52,687 --> 00:20:57,522
How does this grab you? Comedy drama,
Granada. June, July, maybe August. Depends.
274
00:20:57,687 --> 00:21:02,681
It's a lead. You play John, escaped convict.
He's on the run, he wins the Lottery.
275
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:06,965
- Lucky Runnings. Miriam Margolyes...
- The fat one?
276
00:21:07,127 --> 00:21:08,879
- Yes.
- I like her.
277
00:21:09,047 --> 00:21:12,835
- Pete Davison.
- Off the telly?!
278
00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:15,601
Les Grantham, Ru Madoc, Dave Yip.
279
00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:18,645
It's a nice one, Den. The scripts are good.
280
00:21:18,807 --> 00:21:22,800
- Ooh, they're heavy!
- And the money's great.
281
00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:29,076
That's nice. So they want me to star in it,
write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
282
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:31,636
No, I think they just want you to be in it.
283
00:21:31,807 --> 00:21:34,799
Someone else is writing it, but I'll sing it?
284
00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:37,640
No, they seem to have that one all sorted out.
285
00:21:37,807 --> 00:21:41,846
Now, why don't I give them a ring
286
00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:46,478
and we can let them know that you've had the...
You all right, Dennis?
287
00:21:47,487 --> 00:21:50,240
- Not doing it!
- Why not?
288
00:21:50,407 --> 00:21:54,161
Don't want to. It's rubbish. Scripts are stoo-pid!
289
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:59,042
You haven't even read them yet!
290
00:21:59,207 --> 00:22:00,765
Dennis?
291
00:22:00,927 --> 00:22:06,559
# I'm an escaped convict on the ru-un
Da-da-da-da-da-da
292
00:22:06,727 --> 00:22:10,925
# I've won the Lottery and I'm having fun
Do-do-do-do
293
00:22:11,087 --> 00:22:15,285
# I'm running much too fast
Can't escape from the past
294
00:22:15,447 --> 00:22:18,644
# I'd be so good for Lucky Runnings! #
295
00:22:19,967 --> 00:22:24,358
Dennis, this insistence of yours
on always writing and singing the theme tune
296
00:22:24,527 --> 00:22:26,722
really isn't doing you any favours.
297
00:22:26,887 --> 00:22:29,685
So give up acting and concentrate on singing?
298
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:34,682
No! Dennis! You could have been
in the new Indiana Jones film! As his brother!
299
00:22:34,847 --> 00:22:37,236
You know who that part went to? Ralph Fiennes.
300
00:22:37,407 --> 00:22:40,046
- He's no singer!
- (PHONE RINGS)
301
00:22:40,207 --> 00:22:45,122
Excuse me. Hello?
It's the Indiana Jones people. Really?
302
00:22:45,287 --> 00:22:50,236
Ralph Fiennes has been decapitated in a stunt!
Yes, Dennis IS still available.
303
00:22:50,407 --> 00:22:54,286
- Let me speak to them!
- He's right here. I'll just pass you over.
304
00:22:56,767 --> 00:22:58,564
Hello?
305
00:22:58,727 --> 00:23:00,524
Yes, I'm fine.
306
00:23:00,687 --> 00:23:03,724
# I am Indiana Jones's brother, da-da-da... #
307
00:23:03,887 --> 00:23:05,286
Hello?
308
00:23:06,247 --> 00:23:10,604
Working-class people in Britain
are stored in buildings like these.
309
00:23:28,607 --> 00:23:33,727
- Is that you, Gary?
- I brought a mate. Jason, my sister Julie.
310
00:23:33,887 --> 00:23:36,720
- Hello.
- This is me mum.
311
00:23:36,887 --> 00:23:39,879
- How do you do?
- And this is my nan.
312
00:23:40,047 --> 00:23:42,277
Hell-o!
313
00:23:42,447 --> 00:23:45,041
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
314
00:23:46,887 --> 00:23:49,321
I'll put the kettle on, shall I?
315
00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:57,958
So... Nan, you smell nice. What is it?
316
00:23:59,767 --> 00:24:02,918
- Murray Mints.
- Haven't seen you around.
317
00:24:03,087 --> 00:24:06,921
- Where do you normally hang out?
- The day centre.
318
00:24:07,087 --> 00:24:09,681
Must check it out.
319
00:24:11,047 --> 00:24:15,916
- Anyone told you you've got beautiful teeth?
- They're not mine!
320
00:24:16,087 --> 00:24:18,317
- Maureen?
- Yes, Mum?
321
00:24:18,487 --> 00:24:23,083
- Will you take me to the loo?
- I'm just making the tea, Mum.
322
00:24:23,247 --> 00:24:27,843
- Julie, take your nan to the toilet.
- It's OK! I'll do it.
323
00:24:28,927 --> 00:24:31,316
Up we get.
324
00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:38,361
Oh, sorry. I thought that was your elbow.
325
00:24:47,247 --> 00:24:52,037
Yes, I've just found some stress knots
here in the perineum which I'm going to work on.
326
00:24:52,207 --> 00:24:56,200
And, tell you what,
why don't you have a little nap?
327
00:24:56,367 --> 00:24:59,359
I'll sing you a lullaby as you drift off.
328
00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:02,642
# Go to sleep
329
00:25:02,807 --> 00:25:05,367
# Go-o to sleep
330
00:25:05,527 --> 00:25:08,121
# Go-o to slee-eep
331
00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:10,676
# GO to sleep!
332
00:25:10,847 --> 00:25:13,759
# GO TO SLEEP!!
333
00:25:13,927 --> 00:25:18,125
# Aaaawwww! Ye-e-e-es!! #
334
00:25:19,127 --> 00:25:21,721
Jonathan, are you asleep?
335
00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:29,999
Meanwhile, in the small Welsh mining village
of Llandewi Breffi lies this charming little pub.
336
00:25:30,167 --> 00:25:34,558
With its original slate roof
and delightful period features,
337
00:25:34,727 --> 00:25:37,116
it truly is a joy to behold.
338
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:40,404
Ah, look at that. It really is a beauty.
339
00:25:40,567 --> 00:25:42,956
It's what Britain's all about.
340
00:25:46,767 --> 00:25:51,522
- Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy?
- Coming right up.
341
00:25:51,687 --> 00:25:55,680
- Bloody hell, Myfanwy, I'm so down.
- Why is that, Daffyd?
342
00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:58,407
I'm the only gay in this village.
343
00:25:58,567 --> 00:26:02,037
I dream of the day I can meet other gays
who know what it's like.
344
00:26:03,047 --> 00:26:07,040
I was going to tell you.
I was talking to old Ma Evans
345
00:26:07,207 --> 00:26:12,406
and she's taken in a lodger from Cardiff.
And guess what - he is a gay!
346
00:26:12,567 --> 00:26:14,637
I don't think so!
347
00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:19,562
No, apparently he is. I told old Ma Evans
to send him over here so you can meet him.
348
00:26:19,727 --> 00:26:25,085
I'll be very surprised if he is a gay.
Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.
349
00:26:25,247 --> 00:26:27,636
This must be him.
350
00:26:28,647 --> 00:26:31,036
Hiya! Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?
351
00:26:31,207 --> 00:26:34,961
- What an effeminate drink!
- Oh, you must be Daffyd!
352
00:26:35,127 --> 00:26:37,243
There you are.
353
00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:41,565
I'll... leave you boys to it.
354
00:26:41,727 --> 00:26:45,356
It's such a shame
I am the only gay in this village.
355
00:26:45,527 --> 00:26:48,360
- Oh, I'm a gay.
- I don't think so!
356
00:26:48,527 --> 00:26:53,521
No, I bloody am, you know. Old Ma Evans said
you were the only gay in this village.
357
00:26:53,687 --> 00:26:56,247
Now you're not. Now there's two of us.
358
00:26:56,407 --> 00:27:00,764
All right, if you're a gay,
who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"?
359
00:27:00,927 --> 00:27:03,521
- (BOTH) Judy Garland.
- How did you know?!
360
00:27:03,687 --> 00:27:08,636
- It's easy. Everyone knows that.
- Right, this'll sort the gays from the not gays.
361
00:27:08,807 --> 00:27:11,958
Who is the gay character
in "Are You Being Served?"?
362
00:27:12,127 --> 00:27:16,200
- (ALL) Mr Humphries!
- Was it?
363
00:27:16,367 --> 00:27:22,203
That's very subtle, then. I always thought it
was Captain Peacock. He has the moustache.
364
00:27:23,207 --> 00:27:27,200
I seem to have passed your gay test,
so I must be gay.
365
00:27:27,367 --> 00:27:30,677
No, you're probably just a little bit poofy!
366
00:27:30,847 --> 00:27:35,284
- I am a gay! I've had sex with men!
- More than you've had, Daffyd.
367
00:27:35,447 --> 00:27:39,838
Shut up, Myfanwy!
I am the only gay man in this village!
368
00:27:40,007 --> 00:27:45,843
- Well, maybe I should go.
- Yes! We have one gay. We don't need another.
369
00:27:46,007 --> 00:27:48,396
Well, goodbye, then.
370
00:27:51,767 --> 00:27:56,557
Daffyd Thomas, you stupid man!
You could have had a bit of cock there!
371
00:27:57,767 --> 00:28:02,887
"I am the only gay man in this village" (!)
You're full of shit, you!
372
00:28:03,047 --> 00:28:08,246
That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude
I've come to expect in this village! Good day!
373
00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:22,119
lan?
374
00:28:22,287 --> 00:28:24,881
We're gonna need another box.
375
00:28:32,767 --> 00:28:37,363
If you have enjoyed this programme,
there is a fact sheet available
376
00:28:37,527 --> 00:28:43,318
which accompanies the series, containing
recipes from the show, quizzes, knitting patterns
377
00:28:43,487 --> 00:28:46,479
and pornographic pictures I've drawn of myself.
378
00:28:47,487 --> 00:28:49,478
Goodbinel
379
00:28:55,000 --> 00:29:00,000
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