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1
00:00:03,887 --> 00:00:05,999
Did you order me
a double cappuccino?
2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,323
No, because I don't want you running into
my room again at 2:00 in the morning,
3
00:00:09,324 --> 00:00:11,309
screaming,
"My heart's exploding."
4
00:00:11,310 --> 00:00:12,764
[Panting]
5
00:00:12,765 --> 00:00:14,916
"Where do we go
when we die?"
6
00:00:15,268 --> 00:00:18,570
Well, I hope you at least left
a funny name for the barista to call.
7
00:00:18,605 --> 00:00:21,039
Oh, you'll
be very proud.
8
00:00:21,074 --> 00:00:23,404
[Door opens]
9
00:00:23,708 --> 00:00:25,839
Oh, my God. Is that Colin?
Don't look, don't look.
10
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:27,975
- I'm not looking.
- I was talking to myself.
11
00:00:27,976 --> 00:00:29,628
You look. Is it him?
12
00:00:30,176 --> 00:00:31,913
It is Colin.
13
00:00:32,034 --> 00:00:34,936
And he totally just saw me looking.
Now what? [Sighs]
14
00:00:34,971 --> 00:00:37,713
Man, I haven't seen him since
we broke up two years ago.
15
00:00:37,714 --> 00:00:41,504
Wow, you sound exactly like my friend
Heather did after Tommy kissed her.
16
00:00:41,505 --> 00:00:43,488
Oh, my God.
That finally happened?
17
00:00:44,009 --> 00:00:46,227
Okay, wait. I'm gonna ask you
a series of questions,
18
00:00:46,228 --> 00:00:48,295
and I need you to answer yes
to all of them.
19
00:00:48,296 --> 00:00:49,618
- Do I look cute?
- Yes.
20
00:00:49,619 --> 00:00:50,432
- Thin?
- Yes.
21
00:00:50,433 --> 00:00:51,251
- Successful?
- Yes.
22
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:52,710
Like someone he regrets
breaking up with?
23
00:00:52,711 --> 00:00:54,698
Yes.
Go for it, Heather.
24
00:00:54,699 --> 00:00:55,935
I'm gonna do it.
25
00:00:56,604 --> 00:00:58,371
I can't.
26
00:00:58,372 --> 00:01:02,075
He makes me so nervous.
He's so... British...
27
00:01:02,076 --> 00:01:04,511
And sophisticated and tall.
28
00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:08,878
He's like Hugh Grant standing
on Hugh Grant's shoulders.
29
00:01:09,599 --> 00:01:11,066
What do I do, do I wave?
30
00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:13,473
Wait for him to come to me?
Go over there? What did Heather do?
31
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,702
She grew boobs
over the summer.
32
00:01:16,481 --> 00:01:18,971
I'm afraid
I did the same thing.
33
00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:26,439
Ricardo, I know you're an underwear
model, but I'm not interested.
34
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:27,774
Colin, oh, my gosh.
35
00:01:27,808 --> 00:01:29,221
- Sean, how are you?
- I'm good.
36
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:32,124
- How are you? What have you been up to?
- Oh, you know, the usual grind.
37
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:35,628
I was teaching at Oxford for a while, but
I'm back at Northwestern full-time now.
38
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,464
And I've just finished a rather
splendid little book about Tolstoy.
39
00:01:38,498 --> 00:01:41,406
Wow. A whole book
about Toy Story?
40
00:01:41,694 --> 00:01:43,494
I loved those movies.
41
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,693
- No, Sean, Tol-stoy.
- Stoy. Tolstoy.
42
00:01:46,694 --> 00:01:49,515
Oh, yeah, no, I was kidding.
[Both laugh]
43
00:01:49,516 --> 00:01:51,467
Pretending to be an idiot.
44
00:01:51,493 --> 00:01:54,718
Order up for
Rear Admiral Fartworthy.
45
00:01:56,831 --> 00:01:58,981
So, um, Oxford,
that's exciting.
46
00:01:58,982 --> 00:02:02,515
- Hey, Fartworthy, your drinks are ready.
- Yes, got it. I got it.
47
00:02:02,516 --> 00:02:06,688
I don't personally think that's funny,
but it makes my daughter so very happy.
48
00:02:07,818 --> 00:02:10,992
Well, you know, I've always been a great
fan of your crazy sense of humor.
49
00:02:10,993 --> 00:02:13,717
[Gibberish]
I'm a clown!
50
00:02:14,695 --> 00:02:18,067
- I don't know why I just did that.
- Well, it was adorable.
51
00:02:18,490 --> 00:02:21,459
You know, we should get together
sometime, you know, catch up.
52
00:02:22,189 --> 00:02:24,995
Gee, uh, wow.
53
00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:27,161
Sean, I know I wasn't always
the best boyfriend,
54
00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:29,035
but I'd like to think
I've grown since then,
55
00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:31,545
and I'd love to have a chance
to show you that.
56
00:02:31,546 --> 00:02:34,104
You know, people can change,
n'est-ce pas?
57
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,206
You are...
58
00:02:36,846 --> 00:02:38,356
So tall.
59
00:02:38,485 --> 00:02:39,858
[Chuckles]
Yes.
60
00:02:39,892 --> 00:02:42,790
I'm also not a fictitious
underwear model.
61
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,529
Okay, yes.
62
00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:46,744
Let's do this.
Here is my card.
63
00:02:46,745 --> 00:02:49,025
Give me a call.
I gotta go.
64
00:02:49,026 --> 00:02:51,127
Um, I'm getting
another phone call.
65
00:02:51,162 --> 00:02:54,635
Ricardo, now it's really over.
Colin knows you don't exist.
66
00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,539
[Upbeat music]
67
00:02:57,564 --> 00:03:00,651
Season 1, Episode 13
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Zings"
68
00:03:00,652 --> 00:03:03,652
Synced by dcdah & Reef
www.addic7ed.com
69
00:03:03,764 --> 00:03:04,879
Sean.
70
00:03:04,955 --> 00:03:08,357
Ah, just the man
I was lying in wait for.
71
00:03:08,637 --> 00:03:10,839
Sean, I need
to ask you a favor.
72
00:03:10,873 --> 00:03:14,010
I need for you to watch
my cockatiel, Archibald.
73
00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:17,298
Sure, I'd be happy to.
74
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:22,851
Consider him watched.
75
00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:24,242
[Laughs]
76
00:03:24,265 --> 00:03:27,536
That is exactly the kind
of dry wit that he enjoys.
77
00:03:28,301 --> 00:03:30,285
Archie, this is Sean.
78
00:03:30,286 --> 00:03:32,554
Is there something you'd
like to say to Sean?
79
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,480
I love you, Sean.
80
00:03:35,094 --> 00:03:37,230
Get a room, you two.
81
00:03:37,738 --> 00:03:40,304
I'm having a bit of a problem
at the hotel where I'm living,
82
00:03:40,329 --> 00:03:43,064
and until it's ironed out, I need
to find Archie a temporary home.
83
00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:48,105
The hotel's new manager, Jeff,
is vehemently anti-bird.
84
00:03:48,106 --> 00:03:50,941
The man is hostile, snide, and
prone to needless hyperbole.
85
00:03:50,975 --> 00:03:52,604
Jeff is worse than Hitler.
86
00:03:53,544 --> 00:03:56,280
That's for history
to decide.
87
00:03:56,314 --> 00:03:58,682
The thing is, I'm not really
good with pets.
88
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:02,588
But here's someone who is.
Hunter, how is your iguana doing?
89
00:04:02,589 --> 00:04:06,064
Oh, man. Maurice
is crushing it, as usual.
90
00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:09,922
- Thanks for asking, Sean.
- Oh, don't thank me just yet.
91
00:04:10,296 --> 00:04:11,730
Surprise.
92
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:14,433
I've come to take you to lunch,
to that new seafood place.
93
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,837
Wait. I was going
to take Sean to lunch.
94
00:04:16,838 --> 00:04:19,140
Oh, sorry, dear,
but we have reservations.
95
00:04:19,174 --> 00:04:22,495
Which is something you might have
had before buying that skirt.
96
00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:24,784
[Chuckles]
Where'd you get that outfit?
97
00:04:24,785 --> 00:04:26,666
Forever 51?
98
00:04:27,783 --> 00:04:31,152
I wish you guys would stop fighting
and just make out already.
99
00:04:31,186 --> 00:04:33,089
[Phone vibrates]
'Ello, 'ello.
100
00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:35,825
Ooh, I'm getting a text from Colin.
Brilliant.
101
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:36,993
Both: Colin?
102
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:40,229
What does the Earl of Giants
want with you?
103
00:04:40,264 --> 00:04:42,300
I ran into him
this morning.
104
00:04:42,301 --> 00:04:43,935
"Fantastic to see you, Sean.
105
00:04:43,969 --> 00:04:45,837
"It made me realize
how much I've missed
106
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:48,855
your impish charm
and dazzling smile."
107
00:04:49,051 --> 00:04:51,219
[English accent]
He wishes to see me, mummy.
108
00:04:51,689 --> 00:04:54,091
I do not like that man.
109
00:04:54,092 --> 00:04:56,894
Twice he lured you in
with his posh accent.
110
00:04:56,928 --> 00:05:00,664
And then after a few months he dumped you,
and then we had to pick up the pieces.
111
00:05:00,699 --> 00:05:03,367
Well, at the coffee shop,
he said he's changed.
112
00:05:03,401 --> 00:05:06,837
And I haven't, so I still
wanna sleep with him.
113
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:11,552
Just because he's handsome and British
you think you're in a Jane Austen movie?
114
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,187
I wanna be Kiera Knightley.
115
00:05:14,987 --> 00:05:17,685
Liz, you always like arguing with my mom.
Help me out here.
116
00:05:17,686 --> 00:05:20,775
- I can't. She's right.
- What?
117
00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:23,257
See, we agree.
118
00:05:23,292 --> 00:05:26,160
We never agree on anything.
What does that tell you?
119
00:05:26,304 --> 00:05:29,202
That the Apocalypse is nigh.
120
00:05:29,844 --> 00:05:32,679
I don't like Colin.
He's smug and pretentious.
121
00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:36,298
And he always judged us for
watching Pretty Little Liars.
122
00:05:38,265 --> 00:05:40,032
Listen to Liz.
123
00:05:40,067 --> 00:05:43,269
Why don't you join us for lunch, dear?
We can talk some sense into him.
124
00:05:43,303 --> 00:05:45,738
I'm not having lunch
with either of you.
125
00:05:45,772 --> 00:05:49,575
Single and single.
What do you know?
126
00:05:49,856 --> 00:05:51,926
- You're single too.
- Yes.
127
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:54,628
But I have a date
with Mr. Darcy.
128
00:05:55,561 --> 00:05:58,630
We're having coffee tomorrow
at half-six,
129
00:05:58,664 --> 00:06:01,867
which I think is 6:30.
130
00:06:02,241 --> 00:06:04,293
But it could be 3:00.
131
00:06:10,508 --> 00:06:13,375
Hey, I'm going to Heather's
tonight to study...
132
00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:15,778
Nice, you got the ball out.
133
00:06:15,812 --> 00:06:17,513
Are you gonna have coffee
tonight with Colin?
134
00:06:17,547 --> 00:06:20,605
What's next? Are you gonna clear
the sweaters off your treadmill?
135
00:06:20,606 --> 00:06:24,509
No, I'm too tired
from blowing this thing up.
136
00:06:24,754 --> 00:06:26,255
What are you watching?
137
00:06:26,289 --> 00:06:30,061
Oh, it's a PBS documentary on Tolstoy.
I'm learning so much.
138
00:06:30,062 --> 00:06:34,230
Did you know this entire program
was made possible by viewers like me?
139
00:06:34,433 --> 00:06:38,538
Why are you acting all smart? I thought
Colin liked your sense of humor.
140
00:06:38,539 --> 00:06:41,574
You're right.
That is what he likes.
141
00:06:41,608 --> 00:06:44,877
Maybe I should be
a little more wild and zany.
142
00:06:44,912 --> 00:06:50,016
Yeah. Good-bye, unhappy Russians.
Hello, Shahs of Sunset.
143
00:06:50,518 --> 00:06:53,044
Them bitches be crazy.
144
00:06:54,651 --> 00:06:56,960
Oh, crap,
he's got the ball out.
145
00:06:56,994 --> 00:06:59,193
I know.
He's all excited about his date.
146
00:06:59,194 --> 00:07:02,599
- Isn't it cute?
- No, it's not cute. It's misguided.
147
00:07:02,633 --> 00:07:05,969
I liked Colin. He took me
miniature golfing once.
148
00:07:06,055 --> 00:07:08,171
Of course, all golfing to him
is miniature.
149
00:07:08,206 --> 00:07:12,078
Well, don't get too attached.
We're here to put a stop to it.
150
00:07:12,125 --> 00:07:13,724
Guys, guys.
151
00:07:13,759 --> 00:07:15,760
I'm a grown man.
152
00:07:15,794 --> 00:07:18,262
Don't tell me what to do
with my love life.
153
00:07:18,297 --> 00:07:20,898
We have to, before
he breaks your heart again.
154
00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:22,869
Do you remember how bad
it was last time?
155
00:07:22,903 --> 00:07:24,304
You grew a beard.
156
00:07:24,338 --> 00:07:27,340
You looked like the guy
from Into the Wild.
157
00:07:27,374 --> 00:07:31,580
If you won't listen to us, let
Sean's past tell Sean's present
158
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:34,349
- ...Sean's future.
- That was very good, Elizabeth.
159
00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:35,650
What are you
talking about?
160
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:36,849
[Crying]
161
00:07:36,850 --> 00:07:39,454
Colin, why? Why?
162
00:07:39,489 --> 00:07:42,837
- I read books.
- Honey, no, you don't.
163
00:07:42,871 --> 00:07:47,732
- I read all the Harry Potter books.
- You only read the first one.
164
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:50,377
I know,
but I got the gist.
165
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,372
Hey, turn that off.
166
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,307
Maybe I went
a little crazy,
167
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,511
but it's not like I'm marrying the guy.
We're just gonna have a date,
168
00:07:58,545 --> 00:08:03,445
and perhaps, as the Brits say,
a bit of the ol' rumpty bumpty.
169
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,776
That's what you said last time, Sean.
And then two months later, this...
170
00:08:07,810 --> 00:08:11,713
[Sean on video]
Go away, I'll shower tomorrow!
171
00:08:12,486 --> 00:08:15,273
I-I have embarrassing video
of you guys too.
172
00:08:15,274 --> 00:08:17,118
Nip slip at the beach.
173
00:08:17,924 --> 00:08:19,625
Confusion at the mall.
174
00:08:19,659 --> 00:08:20,793
[Doorbell rings]
175
00:08:20,827 --> 00:08:24,429
I wasn't confused. I was angry
that they keep moving the Talbots.
176
00:08:25,778 --> 00:08:28,013
- Hunter.
- I got a problem, Sean.
177
00:08:28,047 --> 00:08:29,180
Yeah, I got a problem too.
178
00:08:29,230 --> 00:08:30,824
I'm being double-teamed
by two women,
179
00:08:30,825 --> 00:08:33,038
and not in the way
you would find interesting.
180
00:08:33,319 --> 00:08:34,619
Shut up, you fool.
181
00:08:34,844 --> 00:08:37,931
- Is Max out there?
- No, that's Archie,
182
00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:40,271
who, being Max's parrot,
talks like him.
183
00:08:40,305 --> 00:08:44,046
Specifically, how Max treats
his employees at his hotel.
184
00:08:44,208 --> 00:08:46,933
Damn you. Be gone.
More towels.
185
00:08:46,968 --> 00:08:49,338
It's your fault I got stuck
with the bird, Sean.
186
00:08:49,339 --> 00:08:50,873
- You've gotta take him.
- I can't.
187
00:08:50,907 --> 00:08:53,809
- I'm getting ready to go out.
- Well, I can't keep him.
188
00:08:53,810 --> 00:08:55,077
I had a date last night.
189
00:08:55,078 --> 00:08:56,789
Have you ever
tried to have sex
190
00:08:56,790 --> 00:08:58,503
while a bird
who sounds like your boss
191
00:08:58,504 --> 00:09:01,048
keeps yelling,
"Don't put that there"?
192
00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:05,452
Just... just tell Max
to take him back.
193
00:09:05,453 --> 00:09:07,591
- Well, how am I supposed to do that?
- I don't know.
194
00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:10,974
I can't even end this conversation.
Oh, wait. Maybe I can.
195
00:09:11,021 --> 00:09:14,534
Okay, I gotta go clean up,
perfume the key areas.
196
00:09:14,535 --> 00:09:16,348
Plus, I got a hair
growing out of my shoulder,
197
00:09:16,349 --> 00:09:18,662
I either need to pluck
or put a bow on.
198
00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:23,955
He's pulling out all the stops.
It's goin' down, Liz.
199
00:09:23,990 --> 00:09:27,092
And by it, I mean one of those
two fellas or maybe both of them.
200
00:09:27,126 --> 00:09:29,169
I don't know how it works.
201
00:09:29,849 --> 00:09:31,196
My God.
202
00:09:31,230 --> 00:09:33,598
He can't get back together
with Colin.
203
00:09:33,633 --> 00:09:35,043
[Phone vibrates]
'Ello, 'ello.
204
00:09:35,044 --> 00:09:37,269
Oh, look,
he's texting Sean.
205
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:41,364
Uh, "Got here early. Have a table.
Can't wait to see you."
206
00:09:41,365 --> 00:09:42,799
- God, what a jerk.
- Okay.
207
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:44,315
Here's what we're gonna do.
208
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:46,974
You text him back,
pretending that it's Sean,
209
00:09:47,096 --> 00:09:50,398
and tell him, "I've changed my mind.
I'm not coming."
210
00:09:50,433 --> 00:09:52,544
That would be so wrong.
211
00:09:52,545 --> 00:09:56,690
Oh, darling, everything I do is right,
because it comes from love.
212
00:09:56,906 --> 00:10:00,586
- I love him too.
- Well, get those thumbs moving.
213
00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:02,677
- Done.
- Great.
214
00:10:02,712 --> 00:10:06,427
Colin will leave the coffee shop. Sean
will assume that he's been stood up.
215
00:10:06,428 --> 00:10:09,230
- That's it, game over. Drink?
- Yes, please.
216
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:11,390
[Phone vibrates]
'Ello, 'ello.
217
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,868
Oh, God,
he's texting back.
218
00:10:13,902 --> 00:10:17,139
He says, "What happened?
Can I come over and talk about it?"
219
00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:20,134
- Oh, God, what do I do?
- Uh, okay, type this -
220
00:10:20,135 --> 00:10:21,301
"No."
221
00:10:22,112 --> 00:10:25,797
That's good. It's simple,
elegant, final.
222
00:10:26,316 --> 00:10:28,017
- Drink?
- Yes, please.
223
00:10:28,051 --> 00:10:29,585
'Ello, 'ello.
224
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:33,981
He says,
"Why can't I come over?"
225
00:10:34,016 --> 00:10:36,617
I don't know!
Oh, wait. I know.
226
00:10:36,618 --> 00:10:39,220
- "Because I'm sick."
- No, no, no!
227
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,522
- What's the problem with that?
- 'Ello, 'ello.
228
00:10:41,556 --> 00:10:44,314
- "If you're sick, I'll bring you soup."
- That's the problem with that.
229
00:10:44,315 --> 00:10:46,629
Okay, type this -
"I am not sick."
230
00:10:46,630 --> 00:10:49,031
"I don't wanna see you
because you broke my heart
231
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:51,374
and you turned me
into a crazy man."
232
00:10:51,668 --> 00:10:53,926
Winky face, just to
lighten it up a little bit?
233
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,877
No. When you chop off a head,
you don't put a funny hat on it.
234
00:10:58,076 --> 00:10:59,509
'Ello, 'ello.
235
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,477
God, man, give it a rest.
236
00:11:01,512 --> 00:11:03,713
He says, "Crazy?
What do you mean crazy?"
237
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:05,445
All right, type this -
238
00:11:05,446 --> 00:11:10,019
"Bonkers. I lost my mind,
jibbity, jibbity. Go away."
239
00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:13,036
Oh, it autocorrected
to "giblets, giblets."
240
00:11:13,037 --> 00:11:14,638
Good, that sounds
even crazier.
241
00:11:14,672 --> 00:11:15,606
[Door shuts]
242
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,287
Here he comes.
Delete the texts.
243
00:11:17,288 --> 00:11:18,688
Delete? Yes.
Delete? Yes.
244
00:11:18,722 --> 00:11:21,057
Delete? Yes. Delete? Yes.
[Grunts]
245
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:24,545
Hey, guys, I know you're against
this whole Colin thing,
246
00:11:24,546 --> 00:11:28,996
but do I look
rumpty bumptable?
247
00:11:29,851 --> 00:11:32,253
Oh, you look
very handsome.
248
00:11:32,254 --> 00:11:34,740
- Oh, thanks. I'm so late.
- What are you doing?
249
00:11:34,766 --> 00:11:38,058
I'm texting Colin.
"I'll be there in ten."
250
00:11:38,442 --> 00:11:41,411
Hey, should I add an emoticon?
Like, maybe dancing bananas?
251
00:11:41,445 --> 00:11:45,172
- Would that be too weird?
- Not today.
252
00:11:45,585 --> 00:11:47,486
He loves it when
I'm a little nutty.
253
00:11:47,487 --> 00:11:49,855
Well, then you're gonna
have one great night.
254
00:11:49,856 --> 00:11:51,595
[Phone vibrates]
'Ello, 'ello.
255
00:11:52,556 --> 00:11:55,491
"Are you still really coming?"
Four question marks.
256
00:11:55,526 --> 00:11:58,238
Wow, someone
can't wait to see me.
257
00:11:58,562 --> 00:12:00,697
Do not be here
when I get back.
258
00:12:00,731 --> 00:12:03,491
Oh, trust me,
you won't be able to find us.
259
00:12:11,908 --> 00:12:13,841
[Knocks]
260
00:12:14,143 --> 00:12:17,335
- Yes?
- Max, you have to take your bird back.
261
00:12:17,615 --> 00:12:19,188
You having a little
get-together?
262
00:12:19,189 --> 00:12:23,081
No, no, just a small cocktail party
you're not dressed for, so please go.
263
00:12:23,082 --> 00:12:25,082
Wait. You have to take
your bird...
264
00:12:25,083 --> 00:12:30,087
[birds chattering]
265
00:12:30,129 --> 00:12:33,463
I gotta say, Max, this is
a deeply disturbing cocktail party.
266
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:37,540
I didn't say "cocktail party."
I said, "cockatiel party."
267
00:12:37,574 --> 00:12:41,006
And there's nothing disturbing about it.
I like birds and they like me.
268
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:42,214
You're my best friend.
269
00:12:42,215 --> 00:12:43,654
[Laughs]
Thank you.
270
00:12:43,655 --> 00:12:45,681
But we're trying to talk,
so all of you, silence.
271
00:12:45,715 --> 00:12:46,816
Silence!
272
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,952
Ah, that's never funny, Chester.
I'm kidding. That's always funny.
273
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,387
[Giggles]
274
00:12:51,421 --> 00:12:52,755
So how's life, Max?
275
00:12:52,789 --> 00:12:55,649
'Cause I gotta say,
as a non-bird person
276
00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:58,152
walking into a room
full of birds,
277
00:12:58,186 --> 00:13:00,848
I feel a huge wave
of sadness.
278
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,291
Look. My problem
is the hotel manager, Jeff,
279
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,140
he wants me to either move out
or get rid of the birds.
280
00:13:07,141 --> 00:13:09,832
I'm trying to get him fired
by making the case that he's crazy,
281
00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:14,425
which has been an uphill battle, because
I'm the one with all the birds.
282
00:13:14,805 --> 00:13:16,510
So you're aware
of how this looks.
283
00:13:16,511 --> 00:13:18,040
- That's a good sign.
- Look.
284
00:13:18,042 --> 00:13:20,956
Until I get it sorted out, I just
need to find them temporary homes.
285
00:13:20,957 --> 00:13:24,171
But I've only been able to unload
Archie, Pierre, Regis, and Mr. Cranky.
286
00:13:24,172 --> 00:13:27,041
And honestly, I'm expecting
Mr. Cranky back any day.
287
00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:31,958
Well, I can't keep Archie
because that dude is too mean.
288
00:13:31,992 --> 00:13:33,560
Mean?
289
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,841
Did you wear the color red
around him?
290
00:13:35,875 --> 00:13:37,609
Yeah. Why?
291
00:13:37,644 --> 00:13:39,311
[Scoffs] Well, the fools
who do room service here
292
00:13:39,346 --> 00:13:40,979
all wear red vests,
so when the birds
293
00:13:41,014 --> 00:13:45,249
see that color, they lash out
in emulation of me, their God.
294
00:13:45,928 --> 00:13:47,028
[Knock at door]
295
00:13:47,053 --> 00:13:48,220
[Sighs]
296
00:13:48,254 --> 00:13:51,433
When you're trying to prove that
you're not crazy, you might want
297
00:13:51,434 --> 00:13:54,602
to leave out the part about
being a "bird God."
298
00:13:56,242 --> 00:13:59,043
Jeff.
Jeff's giant.
299
00:13:59,078 --> 00:14:01,825
Mr. Thompson,
I have spoken to our lawyers,
300
00:14:01,826 --> 00:14:04,351
and I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave tonight.
301
00:14:04,352 --> 00:14:07,101
You have taken no steps
to correct this situation.
302
00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:11,340
Wrong some more, Jeff.
I have taken steps.
303
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:14,311
Behold, this man...
304
00:14:14,733 --> 00:14:17,435
Is a rare parrot dealer.
305
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,457
Rare parrot dealer?
306
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,122
You see, he's even adopted
their habit of repeating things.
307
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,296
And he's made a generous offer
to buy them.
308
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:26,570
Buy them?
309
00:14:26,571 --> 00:14:29,546
It's sad, but at least he's found
a business where he can thrive.
310
00:14:29,547 --> 00:14:31,682
Now then, don't just
stand there, you two.
311
00:14:31,683 --> 00:14:33,329
Help him get the birds
down to his car.
312
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,697
- All of them?
- All of them.
313
00:14:34,732 --> 00:14:37,644
- All of them?
- We get it, you like parrots.
314
00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,499
- Colin.
- Sean.
315
00:14:43,809 --> 00:14:45,777
Yes, um, is everything
all right?
316
00:14:45,811 --> 00:14:47,145
It's great.
317
00:14:47,179 --> 00:14:49,382
Um, I didn't have time
to stop for flowers.
318
00:14:49,383 --> 00:14:52,517
But somebody handed me a flyer,
so I made you a hat. [Chuckles]
319
00:14:53,023 --> 00:14:55,822
- Oh. Wonderful.
- Yeah.
320
00:14:55,823 --> 00:14:58,558
Look how tiny it is.
321
00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:00,624
- Marvelous.
- Mmhmm.
322
00:15:02,032 --> 00:15:06,602
- Aren't you going to put it on?
- Would that make you happy?
323
00:15:06,636 --> 00:15:10,056
[Laughs] I'm just kidding. Don't put it on.
No, put it on.
324
00:15:10,306 --> 00:15:12,387
No, don't put it on.
Here, I'll put it on.
325
00:15:12,388 --> 00:15:14,652
Boop.
[Laughs]
326
00:15:17,059 --> 00:15:20,395
Sean, um,
I got your texts.
327
00:15:20,429 --> 00:15:22,297
Bananas, right?
328
00:15:22,331 --> 00:15:24,299
- Very much so.
- I know.
329
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:26,534
That's me.
[Gibberish]
330
00:15:26,568 --> 00:15:28,336
[Both chuckle]
331
00:15:28,370 --> 00:15:31,139
- Sorry, I'm nervous.
- Yes, as am I.
332
00:15:31,173 --> 00:15:36,540
Um, Sean, I'm sorry
if I hurt you when we broke up.
333
00:15:36,662 --> 00:15:39,024
Thank you, Colin.
I appreciate that.
334
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:42,995
It wasn't easy.
But it's behind us now.
335
00:15:43,003 --> 00:15:46,281
And we're having a good time, right?
I know I am. [Laughs]
336
00:15:47,239 --> 00:15:50,641
Sean, you're being rather
inscrutable this evening.
337
00:15:50,676 --> 00:15:54,579
Oh, I hope
I'm a little scrutable.
338
00:15:57,816 --> 00:16:02,108
Maybe you're just not trying
hard enough to "scrute" me.
339
00:16:02,554 --> 00:16:03,654
Yes.
[Chuckles]
340
00:16:03,689 --> 00:16:05,256
- I see what you did there.
- Yeah.
341
00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:06,290
[Both chuckle]
342
00:16:06,325 --> 00:16:08,895
Hey, they don't
serve wine here,
343
00:16:08,896 --> 00:16:11,543
but my apartment
has tons of it.
344
00:16:11,544 --> 00:16:14,313
And there's a guy there
named Sean who serves it,
345
00:16:14,347 --> 00:16:17,843
and another guy named Sean
who drinks it.
346
00:16:18,451 --> 00:16:21,420
- So there's many Seans?
- Uh-huh.
347
00:16:21,454 --> 00:16:23,889
And we're all
a little crazy.
348
00:16:23,923 --> 00:16:25,577
[Chuckles]
Yes.
349
00:16:25,578 --> 00:16:27,783
Giblets, giblets.
350
00:16:31,931 --> 00:16:34,457
Ah, Tolstoy.
351
00:16:36,327 --> 00:16:39,363
Um, so shall we
repair to my place?
352
00:16:39,397 --> 00:16:41,231
Well, I think it would
be remiss of me
353
00:16:41,265 --> 00:16:43,433
not to make sure
you get home safely tonight.
354
00:16:43,468 --> 00:16:46,770
Ha. Oh, Mr. Darcy,
quite a gentleman.
355
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:54,045
All right, then,
well, good night.
356
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:56,946
What? You don't wanna come in?
Is something wrong?
357
00:16:57,088 --> 00:17:00,252
Sean, I have to say, you've been sending
me rather mixed messages this evening.
358
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:02,523
I mean, first those texts,
saying you'd gone mad
359
00:17:02,524 --> 00:17:03,856
and you never wanted
to see me again.
360
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,828
What are you talking about?
I never said that.
361
00:17:05,829 --> 00:17:09,159
Well, yes, you did.
They're all here, on my phone.
362
00:17:11,786 --> 00:17:13,920
Oh, my God.
363
00:17:13,954 --> 00:17:17,657
My mom and Liz must have
sent these when I was upstairs.
364
00:17:17,691 --> 00:17:20,562
Wow, you probably
thought I was nuts.
365
00:17:20,563 --> 00:17:22,031
No...
366
00:17:22,136 --> 00:17:23,731
Actually, yes.
367
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:26,344
And the hat did not help.
368
00:17:26,667 --> 00:17:29,598
I was... I was just being fun.
You said you liked that about me.
369
00:17:29,599 --> 00:17:31,585
I can't tell you how relieved
I am to hear you say that.
370
00:17:31,586 --> 00:17:33,073
Oh, you and me both.
371
00:17:33,074 --> 00:17:35,275
So, why don't you
just come in,
372
00:17:35,276 --> 00:17:38,024
and I'll show you
how not crazy I am.
373
00:17:38,698 --> 00:17:43,368
[Birds chirping]
374
00:17:44,152 --> 00:17:46,152
Oh, dear. Well, thank you
for a lovely evening.
375
00:17:46,153 --> 00:17:47,653
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
376
00:17:47,678 --> 00:17:49,461
I don't know why
all these birds are here.
377
00:17:49,462 --> 00:17:50,763
This is your apartment?
378
00:17:50,764 --> 00:17:53,494
Yes, but they're not mine.
I've never seen them before.
379
00:17:53,495 --> 00:17:55,509
I love you, Sean.
380
00:17:56,287 --> 00:17:58,455
Okay, this one I've met.
381
00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:01,718
Oh, Sean, I had no idea
that my leaving you
382
00:18:01,719 --> 00:18:03,517
would drive you mad
with loneliness.
383
00:18:03,518 --> 00:18:06,850
Oh, I-I'm not mad. I'm not lonely.
I have a very full life.
384
00:18:06,851 --> 00:18:08,685
You're my best friend.
385
00:18:08,686 --> 00:18:10,113
Shut your beak!
386
00:18:10,788 --> 00:18:13,323
Okay, okay,
I know what happened.
387
00:18:13,357 --> 00:18:15,325
Apparently, my boss
has more than one bird.
388
00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:18,061
- My friend Hunter took them.
- I believe you, Sean.
389
00:18:18,095 --> 00:18:21,636
Your hunter friend,
the woodsman, snared all of them.
390
00:18:21,637 --> 00:18:24,218
Then they all got together
and sent me all of those texts.
391
00:18:24,219 --> 00:18:26,286
- Good night, Sean.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
392
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,741
Okay, okay,
let's try this.
393
00:18:28,742 --> 00:18:31,775
Could I possibly convince you
that these aren't my birds
394
00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:34,644
- ...and I didn't send those texts?
- Mm, no.
395
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:36,910
And your attempts to do so are,
frankly, terrifying me.
396
00:18:36,911 --> 00:18:39,149
Okay, then,
is there a scenario where
397
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,685
these are my birds
and I did send those texts
398
00:18:41,719 --> 00:18:43,797
but we could still
fool around?
399
00:18:45,612 --> 00:18:48,801
The very question I've been grappling
with since I got here this evening.
400
00:18:48,802 --> 00:18:51,228
Okay, all right.
Well, then let's sit down,
401
00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:56,183
you know, take our coats off,
relax, and see where this goes.
402
00:18:56,778 --> 00:18:58,078
All right.
403
00:18:58,113 --> 00:18:59,813
You don't think the birds
will be jealous?
404
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,483
Oh, now that
would be crazy.
405
00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:05,385
- Begone, fool.
- I hate you!
406
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:06,787
- Go!
- Beat it!
407
00:19:06,821 --> 00:19:08,655
- Disgust me.
- Epic fail.
408
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:11,176
- Beat it.
- Disgust me.
409
00:19:11,426 --> 00:19:14,128
So should I put on
some music?
410
00:19:14,162 --> 00:19:16,797
I don't know about this.
Sean's gonna be so mad.
411
00:19:16,831 --> 00:19:20,385
We have to apologize. If we wait for
him to hunt us down, it'll be worse.
412
00:19:20,411 --> 00:19:22,836
You're right.
I hope the pie helps.
413
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:27,141
Oh, who knows? Maybe it worked out
with Colin and everything'll be fine.
414
00:19:27,175 --> 00:19:31,373
Get some help, you bloody lunatic!
And never contact me again!
415
00:19:34,349 --> 00:19:36,216
Maybe we should
give him a little time.
416
00:19:36,251 --> 00:19:38,556
Yeah, let's go eat this
in the stairwell.
417
00:19:40,882 --> 00:19:45,253
[Knock at door]
418
00:19:45,827 --> 00:19:47,927
Max, what are you doing here?
It's 2:00 A.M.
419
00:19:47,953 --> 00:19:50,580
Great news. I can take
the entire flock back tomorrow.
420
00:19:50,598 --> 00:19:53,723
I got a note from my doctor saying
I need the birds for medical reasons,
421
00:19:53,724 --> 00:19:55,492
so the hotel
has to let me keep them,
422
00:19:55,526 --> 00:19:58,260
and they're building
a little ramp up to the tub.
423
00:19:59,091 --> 00:20:00,664
That's great.
424
00:20:00,698 --> 00:20:03,199
You know what would've
made that story even better?
425
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:05,015
Email.
426
00:20:05,836 --> 00:20:07,504
Why are you entering?
427
00:20:07,538 --> 00:20:09,723
Why do you
have your pajamas on?
428
00:20:09,724 --> 00:20:13,281
Ah. I was worried that the birds
wouldn't be able to sleep without me.
429
00:20:13,465 --> 00:20:15,166
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
430
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,902
Oh, Max, all right.
Here, sit down.
431
00:20:17,936 --> 00:20:19,928
You... okay.
432
00:20:20,772 --> 00:20:23,441
You know, I had an old friend
over tonight,
433
00:20:23,475 --> 00:20:25,309
who I'll probably
never see again,
434
00:20:25,344 --> 00:20:28,746
thanks to my mom and Liz
and Hunter...
435
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:31,882
And your birds, and come
to think of it, you.
436
00:20:31,917 --> 00:20:34,151
Do you have a point, Sean?
It's the middle of the night.
437
00:20:34,186 --> 00:20:37,321
Anyway, uh, this friend assumed
these birds were mine,
438
00:20:37,356 --> 00:20:41,752
and thought I might perhaps
be a little...
439
00:20:42,011 --> 00:20:44,813
You know, lonely.
440
00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:50,067
I see what you're
getting at, Sean.
441
00:20:50,102 --> 00:20:53,537
But if you're lonely, get your own birds.
You can't have mine.
442
00:20:53,572 --> 00:20:54,939
Okay, well...
[Giggles]
443
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,397
[Chuckles] I tried. All right.
444
00:20:57,398 --> 00:20:59,231
Well, I'll get you
a blanket
445
00:20:59,232 --> 00:21:03,166
and mentally prepare myself
for the weirdest breakfast ever.
446
00:21:03,482 --> 00:21:06,050
Good night,
my friends
447
00:21:06,084 --> 00:21:10,988
I'll see you
in the morning
448
00:21:11,023 --> 00:21:13,859
All:
Morning
449
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:22,444
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450
00:21:22,494 --> 00:21:27,044
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