All language subtitles for Rules of Engagement s05e13 The Home Stretch.eng

Oh.
Morning, sir.

I was just looking over
our expense reports,

And I found a way
to save hundreds of dollars.

Ah, you sound like
that lizard

From the geico commercials.

- That's mine.
- Not anymore.

Mmm...No, no.

That's not blueberry.
What kind of flimflam

Are you trying
to scam on me?

Yes, I certainly owe you
an apology

For picking the wrong muffin
for you to steal, eat,

And regurgitate
onto my desk.

More specifically, onto
this picture of my grandmother.

Well, in my defense,
that dot was already there.

Well, I was talked into
the lemon poppy seed muffin

By beth,

The comely new waitress
at the diner.

And what say we skip
the clever fun

You'll have
with the word "comely."

Oh, wait, beth...

That's the new waitress
at our diner.

Yes.
Oh, I really do feel

She and I have
quite the rapport.

Heh heh, whoa.

I've actually
already met beth.

We had a delightful
connection.

She found me
quite the gentleman,

And with any luck,
soon she'll be the chief suspect

In the case
of the missing salami.

Hmm.

Well, I guess the next time
we're both in the diner,

We'll just have to see
whom she prefers...

Me or the shrunken
mickey rourke.

Yes, I guess we'll see.

Silly me...

I forgot I've gotta take care
of some things in accounting.

Oh, of course.

And it would seem as though I've
been silly as well, you see,

Because I've left some papers
in the copy machine,

So...Ehh...Ugh!

Look at us, we're just
a couple of silly birds!

Aah! God! God!

So everything shipshape
with the mccarthy account?

Yes. All up to date, sir.

I should have
a full status report for you--

Excuse me.

[chuckles]

Hey, where's audrey?

She's got a pilates session
with a trainer at our apartment.

- Really? Why at the apartment?
- Because we're billionaires.

Apparently, audrey got tired
of going out to spend money,

So now someone comes
to the apartment to take it.

Well, you know,
she's not working,

But at least she's
keeping herself busy.

You know who
she's not keeping busy?

The lonely lighthouse keeper
who lives in my pants.

Well, you know,
I've been there.

- Oh, yeah? You and jen?
- Oh, yeah, man.

A couple months ago
we were fighting a lot.

We were down to,
like, once a day.

[thump]
ow!

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

What can I get you?

Wait, this isn't
beth's section?

- We switched.
- Oh.

Timmy, didn't you want
to order some of this?

- [thump]
- hey!

Hey, russell, timmy.

Oh, beth,
this is your section?

Hello there, beth.

You're looking lovely
as usual today.

Oh, you two.
Well, I'm going on my break,

But doreen will take care
of you.

The hell she will.

[sharp exhale]
unh...Check it out.

I was digging through
the back of my closet,

And bam--
my old letterman jacket.

Wow. You know,

I always liked the idea
of dating a jock.

Why wouldn't you?
We're sexy as all get-out.

What's this pin right here?

Oh, that's a megaphone.

A megaphone? Why?

You know,
for cheerleading.

Oh, because you had
a cheerleader girlfriend.

No...I made the squad.
She didn't.

That's why we broke up,
you know...

Hold on, there was
a lot of information there.

You're saying that you were
on the cheerleading squad?

Yes.

No.

But you said
you never missed a game.

- I didn't.
- But you said your bad knee

- Was a football injury.
- It was.

Honey, a couple players
tumbled out of bounds

And knocked over
our pyramid.

God!

Oh, god...

But you said that
without you

Your team wouldn't have
won state.

Well,
that I firmly believe.

Wait a minute.
What's this?

A note saying
this is all a bad joke?

Oh, man, this is
my old cheat sheet.

I could never remember
how to spell "aggressive."

Ah, nice timing.

I just finished my session,
and I feel great.

Oh, good, then
it's worth the 80 bucks.

[chuckles]
80? You're adorable.

Anyway, I found this flier
by the mailbox.

50% off all workout clothes.

Oh, yeah?

Is that how you like
my workout clothes...

50% off?

If you smear the ink,
they won't honor it.

Oops, I did smear it.

I've been a bad,
bad girl.

What's going on here?

Nothing here,
but uh,

Maybe something'll
happen in the bedroom.

Down that way,
to the left, I remember.

[giggles]
come on.

Let's get in there
and do it.

Now, see, I'm getting
somewhat of a sex vibe.

It's been a while.
I may be wrong.

You are not wrong.

The drought is over.

Oh, cleansing rain!

So from the moment
I entered the apartment

To the moment we're doing it...
A minute and a half.

And then another
minute and half

Till the awkward apology?

More or less.
It's been a while.

I was against this whole
pilates scam, but...

Meh...I'm good with anything
that puts audrey

Between me
and the mattress.

That's actually
more romantic than mr. Dunbar,

Who recently bragged
of having put a woman

Between him and a desk.

You forgot one little detail.
It was your desk.

The chick had muffin crumbs
all over her back.

Listen, you gotta stay
on this pilates thing.

It seems like it's
the golden goose.

It must make her
feel better about herself

And more receptive
to your inelegant advances.

I don't care what it does

As long as I'm bangin'
the goose.

Wow, timmy, russell--
you guys are still here?

You two are becoming
my best customers.

What a nice thing to say
about me

And someone who's old enough
to be your father.

You must really love
the food here.

You know, beth,
I do find it quite excellent.

Then what do you suppose
gave you that raging diarrhea?

Can I bring you
a bowl of rice or something?

Please.

Well, I see the campaign
has gone negative.

Will you please
take it off?

No. No, I want to show it
to the guys.

I'm from the future.

I've come to tell you
it does not go well.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

- Hello.
- Whoa, nice jacket.

What time is jughead
expecting you at the malt shop?

[laughs]
good one, russell.

- What's the soup for today?
- All right, hold on now.

He can't wear his
high school football jacket

And not have us
work him over a little.

Actually...

Uh, this is your last
off-ramp, please take it.

It's not a football jacket.

It's from when
I was a cheerleader.

[clears throat]
let's do this.

- We've gotta go.
- Okay, stop.

Honey, honey, don't--
don't worry.

Look, I know you guys need
to have your fun,

So go ahead, give it to me.

I can take everything
you've got.

Which is what you said to
the guys on the football team.

He's implying rough boys had
their way with you--delightful.

Please tell me
you used pompons.

- We didn't.
- Thank god.

We called them
"spirit balls."

Anyway, hey, guys, look,
I had a blast, man.

I even hooked up with
a couple girls on the squad.

To do what,
fix each other's makeup?

No, no.
To hook up.

You know, and if there was
the occasional moisturizing,

Well, shame on me for wanting
to take care of my skin.

- Why isn't this any fun?
- 'cause he's not suffering.

He does seem rather
at ease.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Maybe we shouldn't bother.

Wait, wait, wait.
Look at jen.

What?

Ah, the pack has located
the weakest gazelle.

So, jen, does adam ever
give you any dirty talk

Through his megaphone?

Please, let me go!

Hey, be strong, honey!

Okay, fine. I'm just gonna
hide under the table.

Ah, good thing
I'm not the quarterback,

Or adam would
beat you down there.

Hey.

Hey.

Unh...We were just
finishing up.

You must be jeff.
I'm terry.

Okay.

Hey, listen, my purse is
in the other room.

Can you pay terry?
And give him a little extra.

He's really good.

All right, yeah...

There you go.

- Thanks.
- You're fired.

- What?
- You're fired.

Get out.

You fired terry?
What is wrong with you?

No other guy's gonna be
rubbing you and bending you.

Not while I'm alive.

And not for a year
after I'm dead.

I want you to sign something
that says that.

Have you lost your mind?

No, the question is,
have you?

Why didn't you tell me
that terry was a guy?

What does it matter?

And why would you assume
terry's a woman?

I hear "pilates instructor,"
I think lady.

It's a lady job, like nurse,
kindergarten teacher,

And until recently,
cheerleader.

Why is this even
an issue?

You've never been jealous.

Hell, we go to a bar,
you want me to look single

So someone else will
buy my drinks.

That's different.
But you know what...

I guess I know now
why you were all revved up

When I got home yesterday.

Oh, terry is not why
I was in the mood!

Well,
you didn't get all hot

When that lady
with the moustache came

And organized our closets!

I am not having this
conversation with you anymore.

Can you honestly say
that when we were doing it,

There wasn't a second where
you were thinking about him?

Oh, aha!
No further questions!

Okay, fine.

Can I swear he didn't
flash into my head

For one second? No.

But can you swear you've never
thought about someone

On your list of favorites,
huh?

Christine aguilera, jessica
alba, jennifer aniston...

- Okay, you've made your point.
- No, no. Wait, wait.

I'm still on the "a"s.

And you're the one
who's always saying,

"it doesn't matter
where you get your appetite,

As long as you have dinner
at home."

That's only for guys.

What do your ears hear
when you talk? Huh?

Okay, look, I don't know
any of those women,

And they certainly don't have
their hands all over me

Right before we do it.

I can't believe
you fired terry!

You know what, when I want
to hear an idiot talk,

I'll come back out.

I'm going to the bedroom.

Okay, now,
you're saying bedroom,

But I'm not really getting
a sex vibe.

But I am willing to--
[door slams shut]

Jessica alba would never
toy with me like that.

It's just the way I speak.

Schhhedule, aluminium...
Sandwich.

[chuckles]

Well, that one's
pretty much the same.

You're funny.

What was that all about?

Oh, guess who couldn't
stop going on

About someone's
charming accent.

I knew I shouldn't have
gone to the bathroom.

Stupid free iced tea
refills!

More iced tea, russell?

Yes, please.

- Oh, hello, mr. Bingham.
- Hey.

Hey there.
Do you know what you want?

Cheeseburger, fries.
Thanks.

Bye, beth. Cheerio.

Take it easy with that,
all right?

And don't kid yourself.

She'd never take you
over me

Unless she wants
a curry slurpee.

You're right...

If she foregoes intelligence,
refinement, and charm

In favor of a withered
sugar granddaddy.

Wow, looks like the battle
of who-gives-a-crap rages on.

What are you still
doing here?

I thought audrey had
pilates.

Shouldn't you be home
stuffing the goose?

Turns out aud's
pilates instructor...A dude.

What's the problem?

He preheats the oven,
and you put in the bird.

The issue is,
doin'-it-wise,

She should be thinking
about me and nobody else.

Why?
When I'm with a chick,

I don't care if she's
thinking of someone else.

Of course she is.
Look at you.

It's your only hope.

Yeah, I mean, after 15 years,
what do you want?

"hey, jeff, you got
a new gray chest hair.

Let's do this!"

At least I've got
chest hair.

When I saw you
in the locker room last week,

I thought you were
dakota fanning.

Oh, you mean young
and adorable?

I'll take it.

Wow.

Listen, everyone fantasizes
about someone better.

That's what better people
are for.

I know, but the people
the I fantasize about

I'm never gonna meet.

Unless halle berry
returns your fan letters.

But there audrey is,
she's fantasizing about some guy

Who was just rubbing her
and groping her.

Here's your--
oh, my gosh!

I am so sorry.
There's dressing on your pants.

[mild gasp]

Let me grab a wet rag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's get her back here.

Oh, my god.
Beth, I spilled too.

I need a...

Manuel, puedes limpiar los
pantalones de senor dunbar?

No, manuel...Ow.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Nice to see you, manuel.
No, I'm fine.

- [jeff sighs]
- hey.

If you're looking
at chippendales dancers,

Don't worry about it.

I can take it.

Yes, jeff, because
oiled gay men in bow ties

Really get me going.

No, you'll be happy to know
I'm looking for

A female pilates
instructor.

The way god intended.

I'm sure that god was okay
with guy pilates instructors.

And if it's good enough
for him--

Or her.

Don't push it, audrey.

Look, I'm sorry that
I overreacted.

It's just the thought
of some guy...

Look, don't even say it.

Come on, you know you have
nothing to worry about.

You're my man, period.

And in a way,
your insanity was flattering.

You're welcome.

Besides, I'm better looking
than terry anyway, aren't I?

Oh, come on, do I even have
to answer that question?

Seriously,
please don't make me.

Here's an idea. How about
the next time we do it,

Let's have it be
just us.

Hmm, you sure penelope cruz
won't feel left out?

I am not sure,

But she can take care
of herself,

Which she's used to.

It's a pretty consistent part
of the fantasy.

Seriously,
I'm gonna record you.

You should know
what you're putting out there.

Speaking of putting out.

Uh-uh. Try harder.

All right,
hey, pretty lady,

How 'bout we try out that
no-fantasy policy right now?

Better.

I'm gonna make you forget
all about

That pilates looooooo-zer!

Mm, I bet you will,
my big, sexy man.

Oh, my god, have you guys
been here all day?

We took an hour break
when beth had lunch.

Yeah, she spotted us
at the park.

If it comes up,
we're avid bird-watchers.

This is insane.
She's a waitress.

- They're paid to be friendly.
- Exactly.

- That's what I keep telling him.
- I was talking to both of you.

- What? She likes me!
- Really?

Just like roxie the lap dancer
liked you.

Yes, she did.

The only thing that stood
between us and happiness

Was club policy.

Seriously, when are you guys
gonna stop kidding yourselves?

You know what,
mr. Dunbar,

Perhaps we should admit
that jennifer has a point.

Yeah, maybe she's right.

I don't think she's into
either of us.

We should get out of here.

- Uhh...
- Hey.

I don't know
if you guys have room,

But here's a muffin
on the house.

Oh.

Both: See?
She gave me a muffin.

Both: She gave it to me!
Give it!

- Mine!
- My muffin! Gimme!

You're embarrassing!

Wait, wait, wait!

Something wonderful's
happening.

Oh, god!

Oh, this can't be right.

No! No, stay here.

Hello.

I don't know
if you all remember,

But yesterday you had some fun
at my expense,

And then at the expense
of jen.

But to show her that there is
nothing to be ashamed of,

I decided to wear my colors
with pride.

Oh, well, that's good
because you've got

That big parade coming up,
I think.

Look, honey,
I know you're doing this

To try and win me over.

There's just nothing good
about this.

It's kind of lame.

I see.

Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

Oh, no,
my little sister's balloon!

Oh, that's really
up there.

- I'll see if we have a ladder.
- Beth...

That won't be necessary.
If I may?

[sharp exhale]

Ready, and up!

[applause]

- You're like a superhero.
- No...

Just a simple cheerleader.
It's what we do.

You know what,

- That was actually impressive.
- See?

There's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

And way to have spirit,
everybody!

- Okay, that's plenty.
- * we got spirit *

♪ yeah, yeah, we got spirit ♪

♪ yeah, yeah,
we got what, what ♪

♪ what, what,
what-wh-wh-what ♪

♪ we got spirit ♪

Whoo!

There's your boy!

All right, everybody,
check this one out.

♪ let's go ♪

♪ we're pirates, not sailors ♪

♪ but pirates, but pirates ♪

♪ there's no need
to remind us ♪

♪ the football team's
behind us ♪

My pants are falling off.

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