All language subtitles for Reno 911 s05e16.eng

Hi! It's a very exciting
day for the Reno sheriff's department.

We are participating
in the statewide

Law enforcement parade
in Carson city!

[cheering]

We will be transforming
this regular, run-of-the-mill cop car

Into a splendid parade
float like you might see in a cavalcade of roses.

The theme that we have
chosen is "together we are united."

So that will be
boldly emblazoned--

No, jim. Jim, no.
That's not what we decided.

Yeah, it is.

Tell him what we did.

"we can do this."
that was the theme.

No, that was what
you voted for.

That was what you
voted for.

You didn't want
"wheels."

It was "united
in togetherness."

Typical shit.

[all talking at once]

You always fucking
pull rank, jim.

We're united
in togetherness.

Oh!

What, mother fucker?
What?

Ow!

Oh.

I was agreeing
with you.

Don't do it
again!

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Freeze!
Get on the ground!

[gunshot]

[machine-gun fire]

All right.

The tornado...

Hell, no!
We won't blow!

Yeah!

He's my friend.

Nah!

[siren]

You know, there is
an award for best float.

What? Is it money?

No. It's a prize.
It's pride.

It's the dignity.
It's the good feeling of satisfaction

That comes from having
done something wonderful

And made people feel
good about law enforcement.

That's a bullshit prize.

Isn't everybody who
does a float

For the law enforcement
parade supposed to feel

A sense of dignity
and pride?

Yeah, but when you
get that big cup at the end

That says
"best float"--

Oh, it's a cup.

Imagine how much
more dignity and pride--

You know what?
You said we'd feel pride

When we did
that aids quilt,

And I didn't feel
anything except totally disappointed.

'cause you didn't
do shit.

'cause you didn't
do shit.

That's not true.
I did the final Winnie-the-Pooh square.

I did. I did the square.

You did two
Winnie the Poohs,

And what
were they doing?

Inappropriate
for an AIDS quilt.

Anyway, we have
decided on--

Not that we're playing
the patriotism card-- kind of we are.

We would like
to win, obviously, best float.

Uh, we have
decided to honor September 11.

I would like,
out of chicken wire,

To make an osama head
with his finger in his nose.

And I can do it.

I like that.

With papier mache.

An osama bin
laden head...

That's classic.

And then when we get
to the end of the route,

We can hit it
with a bat.

It could be
a pinata.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my god.
I like that.

Candy and condoms
could come out of the pinata.

So you're suggesting--

Can we make a giant
Bin Lada--blond-- Bin Laden pinata?

We could repaint
that Abe Lincoln

That we had
for presidents day.

Ha ha ha.

Recycle. Recycle.

This is good.

[shouting]

I will do it!
I will do it!

I will blow
this place up!

[gun clicks]

They have done me wrong,
and I will blow it up!

Don't you do it!
Don't you dare do it!

Put it down!
Put it down!

I want my money back,
and I will blow this place up!

Bettor?

What?

Are those
hot dogs?

Yeah. Oh, oh,
I told him it was hot dogs,

And they go,
they were like,

"well, it's still
an issue."

It's just
regular hot dogs.

It's regular hot dogs.
I got them from over there.

What is that thing
in your hand?

Oh, it's a...

Stereo.

I like
this one.

Leave it on?

Yeah, leave it on.
Turn it up a second.

Your bass
is too high.

Set the bass.

I don't know how
you do these things.

Hit the--there
should be a thing for...

Sorry.

Audio. Have you
got audio?

You know, that's
what it is.

Listen.
Listen here.

These speakers
are set up wrong, because now--

You know what?
It's coming from mostly over here.

Now we're balanced
to the left.

Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah.

Try that.

Yeah. It's nice.

All right. Cool.

We got things
accomplished, ladies.

We got things
accomplished.

Wait. Whoa, whoa.
Oh, come on now.

We were all having
a good time about that treble/bass issue.

Hey, don't shoot
him now.

I don't want
to get sprayed.

Budget setbacks
and cutbacks

Means that we have to
outsource our 911 calls

To Bombay, India.

What? Yes, so I'm
gonna call right now...

And see--check in
on the last hour.

Man, Indian accent:
Hello. You have reached

The nine hundred and eleven
emergency center.

Can I help you,
please?

Mr. Nanji Pur,
sweetie pie,

This Rayneesha Williams
from the Reno sheriff's department.

Hold, please.

[indian music
playing]

Different man:
Thank you for calling

Boost mobile
customer service.

How can I help you?
This is Ranjit.

No, no, no.
Hello. This is Trudy Weigel

From the Reno
sheriff's department.

Oh. Hold, please.

[Indian music playing]

Man: Uh, hello.

Hello, hello!

Are you the nice lady
who called about being raped?

No, no, no.

Your confirmation number
is "h" as in Hindu,

"v" as in Vishnu.

Sir.

"p" as in Pompadu.
That is me.

Sir.

1-1-7.

Listen, sir--

I cannot help you
about your rape

Unless you give me
your confirmation number.

Sir, listen!
This is deputy Jones

From the Reno
sheriff's department,

And we want our
911 calls now!

Oh, 911 calls. Reno
sheriff's department.

Yes, please.
Yes.

Uh, that is not
my department.

Let me get you
my supervisor. Hold, please.

No no!
Fuck!

Uh, we were in the middle
of a training exercise

This morning,

And Sonny here ate
about 2 1/2 pounds

Of C4 plastic explosive.

If this dog moves
too suddenly,

He's gonna go up
like Nagasaki.

So hopefully pretty soon
the C4 will mix with the manwiches

I've been feeding
with him all morning

And nature will
run its course,

And I will be able
to retrieve--

You can do it.

You can do it.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hi, my favorite.

Hi. Yeah.

Hi, my favorite.

I'm gonna get
this belly.

I'm gonna get
this belly, belly.

I'm gonna get your
belly, belly, belly.

Yeah, you got his
belly, belly, belly, all right.

He gets the
fucking point.

You got his belly,
belly, belly.

Now back
the fuck off.

Hey! Hey!

No. No.

He's my friend.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
That's a little too friendly.

I'll see you
later.

Please don't hump
the nice officer.

Here, come on.
Hey, hey. Hey.

How about right here?

Hey, how about
right here?

Yeah.

Mission accomplished.

Ew!

You know, that's 90%
of law enforcement

Is just perseverance--
stick to the task.

Hi, Travis.

Right, Sonny?
Hey, how you doing?

Oh, boy.

No! Stop!

Sorry. Stop.
Here we go.

Thank god you guys
are here.

This eyesore--
it's been like a--

It's like a sliver
under my--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

First of all,
get back in your yard.

You're outside of
your jurisdiction.

This doesn't shock me
till I get past that stop sign.

Somebody--some--some--

Some gang member
or something

Came and parked
that truck there

And just left it there.

It's an eyesore
to the neighborhood,

And I'm just--
you know, it's blocking my--

It's--I--just if
you would move it to tow it.

You want to be able
to not see the truck.

When you're looking
at what?

I don't look
at anything.

You don't look
at anything, huh?

No. I'm just
hanging out in my yard.

I got to go
back in now.

What is it blocking
you from seeing?

Let me just
quickly get some--

No. No.
Stay here.

On the stove,
and that stuff dries out--

Stay here.

What's this?

That is--
that is a, uh--

It appears to be
a--that is

Bird-watching
equipment

That I ordered
off the intranet.

I like to look at,
you know, ravens-- caw, caw.

Ok. Yup. I see
the ravens that you're looking at.

That's--
that's disgusting, all right?

What is on there?

Because if there's
anything but ravens on there,

Then the neighborhood
kids--that little Pablo!--

Got to my camera
and--

God damn it, Pablo!

[Indian music playing]

[Man, Indian accent:]
911 emergency center.

What is the nature
of your call?

We are calling from
the Reno sheriff's--

Man: Are you
being raped?

No. Rape--

If you are not
being raped or on fire,

I have to transfer you.

"if you are not being
raped or on fire."

We're both. We're both.

Man: Ok. Very good.

I'm going to need
your confirmation number.

I have a statue
of liberty suit.

I'll throw that
out there.

Love it. Is it x-rated,
r-rated, pg-13?

It is r-rated,
but I can bring it to pg real quick.

Can you make it
pg?

Yeah. Yeah.
Then we're good.

Look, let's hand out
cheeseburgers, too.

I love cheeseburgers.

And these
cheeseburgers,

These magical
cheeseburgers--

They're not magical.
They're just cheeseburgers.

Right. So we get
a bunch of gnomes come in tonight

And make hundreds,
perhaps thousands of cheeseburgers.

That's a great idea.

Great. You know
what, trudy?

This is a perfect
job for you. Ok.

Go get those
cobbler's elves

Who make shoes
magically at night for free,

And get them tonight
to come right away

And make a bunch
of cheeseburgers

We can have
to take out later.

You don't have to
be a dick about it.

Let's do it,
people.

Do you need to label
a north and south?

Beautiful.

No, flip it.
Flip it. Flip it. It's upside down.

Oh.

I think the star
on the empire state building

Reads a little jewey.

No. No, this is
a 5-pointed christian star.

A jew star has 6 points,
like the devil.

I'll hold on. I'm afraid
you're gonna fall.

I'll hold on to you.

No, no, no.
I got you, jim.

I got you.

Aren't you
supposed to leave the window open

When you use
this much glue and paint?

[laughter]

Hey, take that,
Al Gore!

[laughter]

All right, Jim.
Yeah.

Uh, thought.
Yeah.

That fax we got about
the law enforcement parade

To do a float.

Yeah.

It said "remember 9/11"?

Or did it say
remember 9-1-1?

Remember to dial 9-1-1.

Are we supposed
to be doing a

"remember the
phone number" float?

Oh, fuck.

If it's a "remember
the phone number" kind of thing,

I'm gonna feel like
a real dick with the twin towers on our car.

You got 'em Jim?

Son of a bitch.

You got him?

I lost him.
Fuck.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

Hey, freeze! Freeze!
Freeze! Freeze!

Hold it right there.

Good god.

Other hand
where I can see it.

Step out of the boat.
Step out of the boat.

Why were you running?

I wasn't running.
I was relaxing.

I was taking a repose.

Taking a repose?

In the boat here.
That's all I was doing.

You guys think that
I was running from you?

Yes. You were
running from us.

And we were chasing you.

No. No, no.
Ok, let me--may I make an inquiry?

May I ask a question?

You know what?

I wish you would
so I can catch my breath.

Go ahead.

Ok, hypothetically
speaking, all right?

If you did indeed
see me, are you sure

That I was not
running with you behind me

In the intention
of showing you a crime scene?

Was that
your intention?

That is exactly
what I was doing, because, you know--

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

You were running
from us.

We said freeze,
stop, get on the ground,

Get on the ground,
and you didn't

Because you were
leading us quickly to a crime scene?

Right. And I figured
if I continued to run

At the pace
I was running,

You guys would get there
before said crime was perpetrated.

But you got so far
ahead of us

That you thought
you'd take a rest,

So you jumped
in the boat.

That's my--
that's my 380 right there.

This is yours.
This is your Baretta 380.

Correct.

So you're saying
right now to me this is yours.

That is indeed
my weapon.

You were running,
we were chasing you,

And you did throw
a weapon down.

And you threw it.

Right, because I felt
that the chase

Was not spicy enough,
you know?

I felt like I really
needed you guys

To step it up
in pursuit of me.

So that we could
get to the crime.

Absolutely.

If this is spicy
enough for you,

I literally shit
my pants about a mile ago.

Perfect, see?

Once again, would you
rather have me

In a pronated or
a supinated position?

Now, your parole officer
has requested

That we, uh, bring you
in here and speak to you,

Primarily for the reason
that you have

Failed to report to
your parole officer ever.

Ever?

Ever. So you're
0 for...

0 for 19 visits
you're supposed to have paid to him.

Is that bad?

Uh, it ain't good.

Terence, it's been
reported to us

That you were laid off
after less than two hours of work

At the Super Fun
Party Pizza Palace.

You want to tell us
about that incident?

Yes. Um, I thought
since I was a delivery guy

That I got to add
my own toppings

And make it fun
for everybody.

And what did you add
that was fun?

Somebody ordered
a pepperoni pizza.

I added carrots
and rocks...

Carrots.

Ice cubes,
and a fart.

Ice cubes
and a fart.

Terry, this energy
that you have,

That's creativity.

And you got to
harness this creative energy,

Do something
productive.

Yeah. We say that what
you should do

Is channel that energy
into something.

So you're saying
I should be a schoolteacher?

Did you, uh, attempt
to be a schoolteacher?

I thought about it.
I thought I could teach.

And you apparently
acted on it. At the Sierra middle school.

There was an incident
there, something about

You going into their
thanksgiving pageant.

You want to tell us
about that?

What were you
dressed as?

I was a turkey.

I wore--I wore shorts
made out of turkey.

So you're not
denying that you roller-skated out

Into the pageant...

Feathers painted
above your fully erect Johnson

To simulate
a turkey...

To simulate
a turkey,

And this is--
we should interpret this

Not as an incredibly
creepy sexuality,

But patriotism.

Do you or do you not
eat turkey at thanksgiving?

Yes, we do.

So why is it weird
that I'm wearing a turkey?

Someone's
got to eat it.

[singing in spanish]

We're killing some time
with the old polygraph machine. Yay!

I have a question.

There was a pair of
men's cotton briefs

And a jar of grape jelly

In the glove compartment.

This was about
two weeks ago.

Were those briefs
in fact yours?

No.

[beep beep]

Something wrong.

There is something
wrong, because Junior admitted to me

That he--

Junior,
you told us you had grape jelly--

So this is
a coincidence?

You were doing
jelly tugs

When you were on
that whole stakeout, weren't you?

Yeah.

So you coincidentally
both--

Wait a second.
Wait--wait-- wait a second.

Do we have to enact
some sort of policy

Where people aren't
giving themselves jelly tugs on stakeouts?

I thought that was
what the jelly was for.

Why on earth--
wait. Explain.

Why else would there be
just jelly in a glove box?

For a sandwich?

No--with just jelly?
With just jelly?

Put it on toast.

Put it on toast,
for example.

Did you
use that, too?

I mean, "oh,
there's something by itself.

I'd better jerk
off with it."

Oh, you're right.

There was jelly
and a loaf of wonder bread

And a toaster--no.

It was just jelly.

Hey, let's
get a trustee

To clean all
the cars later today.

Let's get
a fresh start,

Fresh start
tomorrow.

Tomorrow
is the first day

Of our not jacking off
each other with jelly in the car.

It's
beautiful.

Wow!

We did it.

Good job, guys.

Good job, everybody.

I honestly think

It's probably
the best thing we've ever done.

What time does
the parade start?

I think 1:00.

What time is it?

It's, uh, 1:15.

Fuck.

Fuck! We forgot.
Oh, my god.

Dress uniforms!

We got to be in Carson
15 minutes ago!

Hit it.

[indistinct conversation
on police radio]

We're actually
making pretty good time, I think!

I have to pee!

We're not
stopping to pee!

You should have--
everyone should have peed

Before we got on!

Where are we
in the parade? Do we know?

I think
we're number one.

Shit really?

We're supposed to--
we're the opener?

I think we're the opener.
God damn it.

We're the opener.
Hit it!

Are we sure
we went the right way?

At some point,

We'll see signs
for Carson city, I'm sure!

[tires screeching]

[all screaming]

[yelling]

[crash]

["taps" playing]

["taps" playing]

[cheering]

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mtv networks

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captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

["taps" playing]

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