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1
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:25,240
I want to go to Birmingham
and they're taking me on to Crewe
2
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,160
Oh, Mr Porter,
what a funny man you are
3
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,040
And as the managing director
of this railway,
4
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,600
I have pleasure in asking the wife of
the Minister of Public Communications
5
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,760
to christen our new engine.
6
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,840
I now christen you the Silver Link.
7
00:01:38,519 --> 00:01:43,040
As Minister of Public Communications,
on behalf of my wife and myself,
8
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,520
we wish to place on record the pride...
9
00:01:46,599 --> 00:01:49,440
..we feel in being selected...
10
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,000
..to perform this ceremony.
11
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,680
In all the years I've been in office...
12
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,200
..I can recall...
13
00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:03,320
..no happier occasion...
14
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:09,400
No, no, no. Don't stop him.
The work of the railway must go on.
15
00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:11,920
That's all right. I'll listen to you.
16
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,080
- What's our Willie doing here?
- Come here, my man.
17
00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,560
So you're a wheel tapper, eh?
18
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,760
That reminds me of a story
about a wheel tapper.
19
00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,080
He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years.
20
00:02:25,159 --> 00:02:29,640
One day, somebody asked him why he
tapped a wheel and guess what he said.
21
00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:31,720
He said, ''I'm blowed if I know.''
22
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,800
He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years
and didn't know why!
23
00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:44,000
You'll only think me a little stupid
24
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,240
but why do they tap them?
25
00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:49,480
Oh. Well, er...
Well, you see, it's like this, madam.
26
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,600
If I tap the wheel with a hammer
and hear a clang,
27
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,200
then I know the wheel's there, you see.
28
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,000
Yes, but supposing it doesn't go clang...
29
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,680
Well, then I know the train's gone.
30
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,160
- That's the lot.
- Thanks.
31
00:03:14,199 --> 00:03:17,160
- Dark trousers with white pinstripe!
- Here.
32
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,560
Ditto. Cleaning number 1-34-9.
33
00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,800
Those are mine.
34
00:03:23,879 --> 00:03:26,840
I've never been so humiliated!
35
00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:30,560
My own brother,
a common wheel tapper!
36
00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,920
- But, my dear...
- Can't you get Willie a better position?
37
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,680
- But we've tried him in everything.
- Then I shall insist he resigns.
38
00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:42,760
- You mean leave us altogether?
- Certainly.
39
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,800
- He doesn't need to do that.
- No, he could do other things.
40
00:03:46,879 --> 00:03:50,800
- Exactly. He can come and live with us.
- What? In our house?
41
00:03:50,879 --> 00:03:52,840
Better that than tapping wheels.
42
00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:54,880
- But...
- My mind is made up.
43
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,640
He gets a decent job or he lives with us.
44
00:03:57,719 --> 00:04:00,680
- Yes, but...
- Undo that thing and don't argue!
45
00:04:00,759 --> 00:04:04,120
Don't be hasty.
I'll see the superintendent at once.
46
00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:06,760
That's more like it. I'll go and fetch Willie.
47
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:11,720
I daren't, sir. He should be fired.
The board hates incompetence.
48
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:16,160
But if he's fired,
my wife's going to have him live with us!
49
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,840
Oh, life wouldn't be worth living.
50
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,880
- You have my sympathy.
- Sympathy's no good. I need help.
51
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:26,000
Have you any special position
in mind for him?
52
00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:29,360
No, so long as
it has the semblance of promotion.
53
00:04:29,439 --> 00:04:32,280
Would it matter if we sent him
very far away?
54
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,960
- The farther, the better.
- Let me see.
55
00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,680
Come on, Willie.
There's nothing to be nervous about.
56
00:04:38,759 --> 00:04:40,720
I'm not. I've been here before.
57
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,840
- I hope you've explained the situation.
- Well, I was just...
58
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:49,680
It does not conform with our dignity
to have a relative tapping wheels.
59
00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:53,520
- We've never had a tapper in our family.
- There was Uncle Joe.
60
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,960
You were meant to be sorting parcels.
What were you doing on the line?
61
00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,320
After checking 200 Stilton cheeses,
I needed some fresh air.
62
00:05:01,399 --> 00:05:05,760
- You've never given him a chance.
- We've tried him in many capacities.
63
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,800
What positions has he held?
64
00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,240
In 1934, we made him chief coupler
at Miggleswick
65
00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:16,720
- and you know what you did there.
- Yes, I coupled.
66
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,560
Yes, a coal train to the Scotch express.
67
00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:24,800
I did nothing of the sort! I did not couple
the coal train to the Scotch express.
68
00:05:24,879 --> 00:05:27,160
I coupled the express to the coal train.
69
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,320
Fancy a man of Willie's intellect
coupling trains!
70
00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:33,960
On Derby day, 1935,
we put you on the indicator board.
71
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,840
- Yes. Quite right.
- You sent 12,000 racegoers
72
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,080
to a temperance convention in Wales.
73
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:43,160
- Did you hear about that too?
- Yes, from 12,000 racegoers.
74
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,400
- Charles!
- Yes, my dear.
75
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,320
Either Willie gets promoted or...
76
00:05:48,399 --> 00:05:50,360
What vacancies are there?
77
00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:57,200
- One for a sleeping-car attendant.
- He'd be up too late.
78
00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,600
- A guard for a milk train.
- That'd get me up too early.
79
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,240
- That's all there is.
- Come on, Willie.
80
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,280
There must be something.
81
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,160
We've offered him two posts!
What does he want?
82
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,200
Just a minute.
83
00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:12,240
Have you got any stationmasters?
84
00:06:12,319 --> 00:06:14,280
London terminus, I suppose?
85
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,880
- Oh, no, no. I'll work my way up.
- Well, there aren't any vacancies.
86
00:06:18,959 --> 00:06:21,600
See what I'm up against? Victimisation.
87
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,960
- That's the one job I know I can do.
- What's this?
88
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:29,000
It's just come in.
A place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.
89
00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:35,000
There's a place in Wales called
Llanfogwhyllwhylantysiliogogogogola.
90
00:06:35,079 --> 00:06:39,600
They want a stationmaster
at Buggleskelly. Excuse me one minute.
91
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:45,400
Mr Leadbetter, I thought we'd filled that
stationmaster post at Buggleskelly.
92
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,440
Yes, sir, but it's vacant again.
93
00:06:47,519 --> 00:06:52,680
Don't know, sir. We've sent them
five stationmasters in 12 months.
94
00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,560
What happened to the last one?
95
00:06:54,639 --> 00:06:57,680
I'll read you his letter.
Sounds a bit queer.
96
00:06:57,759 --> 00:07:02,160
''Sir. Since coming here, I have
discovered I am Napoleon Bonaparte.
97
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,440
''Since you won't transfer me
to Waterloo, I resign.
98
00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:09,320
''PS. Forward all mail to Moscow.
I intend to retreat there.''
99
00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:13,080
Extraordinary. And the one before him,
why did he leave?
100
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,920
No idea, sir.
But I remember we sent a wreath.
101
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,600
- Sounds the very place.
- Can I have it?
102
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,840
- You've got it.
- It's rather off the beaten track.
103
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:28,600
- Oh, as long as it's near the railway.
- Let me see.
104
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,120
Here's our line,
running through Northern Ireland
105
00:07:32,199 --> 00:07:34,120
and here is Buggleskelly...
106
00:08:08,519 --> 00:08:10,480
Would you mind?
107
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:16,920
Thanks.
108
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,120
What a grand clock
you have there, mister.
109
00:08:21,199 --> 00:08:24,440
It was a present from my staff
when I left London.
110
00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:26,480
What might the inscription be?
111
00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,520
''To William Porter,'' - that's me -
112
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,560
''from his colleagues on his promotion
to stationmaster at Buggleskelly.''
113
00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:35,600
What's that he said?
114
00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:39,560
This gentleman is the new stationmaster
at Buggleskelly.
115
00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:44,000
- Poor man. And him a stranger.
- Why? What's wrong with it?
116
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:49,240
You're a brave man. No chick nor child
o' mine'll walk abroad there after dark.
117
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,320
- Is it damp or something?
- Did you ever hear of one-eyed Joe?
118
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:56,560
- I never follow greyhounds.
- Follow?
119
00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:59,680
You'll be a lucky man
if Joe never follows you.
120
00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:02,720
He was murdered by the railway,
so he was.
121
00:09:02,799 --> 00:09:06,040
In the old days, he was a rich man
and a miser too.
122
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:11,240
He owned the mill on Pooker Hill.
You should be able to see it from here.
123
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:19,720
One day, the railway came along
and ran a tunnel right through the hill
124
00:09:19,799 --> 00:09:22,000
without by-your-leave or nothing.
125
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,640
He should have sued them.
126
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:30,120
He cursed the tunnel. He swore that any
train entering it should never come out.
127
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,240
That would mess up the timetables.
128
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:37,240
The first train that came along, there
stood one-eyed Joe, his arms upraised.
129
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,280
''Hold back,'' he cried.
130
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,000
- But the driver rode straight on.
- Over cock-eyed Joe?
131
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,680
And the next morning,
his body was found on the line.
132
00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:49,240
And every night,
when the moon gives light,
133
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,840
The ghost of the miller is seen
134
00:09:50,919 --> 00:09:53,240
As he walks the track
with a sack on his back
135
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,280
Down to the Black Borheen
136
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,200
And the mill wheels turn
though the night is still
137
00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:01,600
And the elf lights flash
from the ruined mill
138
00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:07,280
He haunts the station, he haunts the hill
and the land that lies between!
139
00:10:09,639 --> 00:10:12,080
- Buggleskelly.
- Oh.
140
00:10:14,759 --> 00:10:17,320
- Oh. That's your... Pardon.
- Thanks.
141
00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:40,000
Hey, it says two miles to Buggleskelly.
142
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,480
- I can't help it.
- How do I get there?
143
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,720
Walk. Follow this road
around Pooker Hill
144
00:10:45,799 --> 00:10:49,200
past the witch's oak,
drop down into Hell's Collar.
145
00:10:49,279 --> 00:10:53,480
- I only asked a civil question.
- The station's in front of you.
146
00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,280
- Thank you. Good night to you.
- Goodbye to you.
147
00:11:01,639 --> 00:11:03,600
Well, you're the funny-looking bird.
148
00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:07,080
Why you, you flat-faced pullet!
149
00:13:01,879 --> 00:13:03,840
Next train's gone!
150
00:13:07,919 --> 00:13:11,960
- The next train's gone.
- What do you mean? That's nonsense.
151
00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:15,440
- It's like saying the last train hasn't...
- What?
152
00:13:15,519 --> 00:13:19,480
- Well, gone... Come out and let me in.
- Come out? At night?
153
00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,000
- Not me.
- Hey, hey, hey.
154
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,160
- There you are.
- You here again?
155
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:36,360
I haven't been away yet! You're
keeping me out of my own station.
156
00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:44,360
Phew.
157
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,400
Phew. What a station.
158
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,840
- Look at that.
- Officious, ain't you?
159
00:13:48,919 --> 00:13:52,160
- No disobedience. Who are you?
- I'm Harbottle.
160
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,600
Deputy stationmaster when there isn't
a stationmaster which is often.
161
00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:58,640
Well, there's one now, see.
162
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,240
- Where?
- Here. I'm a stationmaster.
163
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:06,080
- Where's your presentation clock?
- How did you know I'd got one?
164
00:14:06,159 --> 00:14:09,120
They all bring 'em.
Bung it with the others.
165
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,160
They look lovely when they're new.
166
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,800
''William Porter.'' Ah, another William.
167
00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:21,240
- That was William O'Shea. Poor Bill.
- Why? What happened to him?
168
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,760
- They put him away. Had to.
- Oh.
169
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,320
Mick Maguire. Well, why did he leave?
170
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:30,600
Nobody knows. Went out after dark.
Never seen again but we heard him.
171
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:33,200
- At least Albert did.
- Who's Albert?
172
00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:36,040
- He stands in for me.
- Which is his clock?
173
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,600
- He hasn't got one. He's still alive.
- Give me that!
174
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,200
- Why not put it with the others?
- They're tombstones!
175
00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:49,560
- What's that?
- If it's two howls and a toot, it's Albert.
176
00:14:51,679 --> 00:14:53,640
He's not afraid of the dark.
177
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,680
No, he plays with the pixies.
178
00:14:55,759 --> 00:14:59,400
Oh, does he? Well, all that's
going to stop from now on.
179
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,280
Here's your supper, Jeremiah.
Mine ready?
180
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,920
- What's he want?
- New stationmaster.
181
00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:30,520
- Got a nasty cough, hasn't he?
- Never mind my cough.
182
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,760
Show a little more respect to
your superiors. And put that back!
183
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,800
And take your cap off!
184
00:15:37,879 --> 00:15:39,920
And you! What have you got there?
185
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,560
- My supper beer. Have some?
- Certainly not!
186
00:15:42,639 --> 00:15:44,600
This place is far too free and easy.
187
00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:49,440
A stationmaster doesn't hobnob with his
staff. You keep your place, I'll keep mine.
188
00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:51,480
What is it? Bitter?
189
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,920
Move over. I want to come out.
190
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,160
You'll have to wait.
I've got to empty this cow.
191
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,280
Hey, who does she belong to?
192
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,880
- Who? Her? She's ours.
- Oh, yes?
193
00:16:37,159 --> 00:16:39,280
I suppose that's her name, is it?
194
00:16:40,559 --> 00:16:43,880
- Something burning?
- Albert's cooking the breakfast.
195
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,200
Smells more like
somebody cooking Albert.
196
00:16:57,919 --> 00:17:01,800
- I think I'm going to like Buggleskelly.
- In the daytime.
197
00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:03,840
You've got a big cheese here.
198
00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:05,880
Yeah, this is where you sit.
199
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,920
Thank you.
200
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,920
- Where did this come from?
- Doesn't it say?
201
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,360
No, it just says where it's going to.
202
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,520
What's the idea?!
This doesn't belong to you.
203
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:21,120
Well, we haven't had any pay
since we came to Ireland.
204
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,400
We can't starve so we borrow things.
205
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,640
Borrow? You mean
you steal things from the railway.
206
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,760
It's not stealing.
It's living off the country.
207
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:33,560
Danish. Not particular
which country either, are you?
208
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,120
- We paid for that.
- What did it cost?
209
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,040
- A ticket to Belfast.
- A what?!
210
00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:42,080
- It's how we get everything.
- Good, innit?
211
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:46,280
So you've been getting goods
by giving away company tickets.
212
00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:50,080
It's absolutely dishonest!
You're in a position of trust.
213
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,880
If the company checked up on you,
you'd be in a fine mess.
214
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,400
- That's right.
- It isn't right.
215
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,440
- In future make sure tickets come back.
- How?
216
00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:01,480
Give them return tickets.
217
00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:04,520
Mmm. Nice piece of bacon, this.
Danish too?
218
00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:07,000
- No, home-grown.
- Have some sauce.
219
00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:12,120
- Go on. Somebody in the shop.
- It's his turn.
220
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:16,000
Don't keep customers waiting!
221
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,120
- Murphy wants his pigs.
- Well, give them to him.
222
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,160
- Can't. Not now.
- Not now? He can have them anytime.
223
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,840
- Well, not all of them.
- Not all of them? Well, why not?
224
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,880
- Where did you get this bacon?
- That's right.
225
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,160
That's a nice state of affairs!
226
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,200
You not only steal company goods
but you pinch from customers.
227
00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:45,440
- Who'll tell him?
- You're the stationmaster.
228
00:18:45,519 --> 00:18:50,040
That's not my duty. A man comes back
for his pigs and what does he find?
229
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,080
- Finds you've eaten them.
- How was I to know?!
230
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,480
- Somebody better tell him.
- Well, I'll tell him.
231
00:18:56,559 --> 00:18:58,520
I shall report this to the company.
232
00:18:58,599 --> 00:19:03,760
Disgraceful. Sitting there like
a pair of pigs eating... You're cannibals!
233
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,920
- Er, good morning.
- There you are.
234
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,520
- How can I help you, Mr...
- Murphy and I wants me pigs.
235
00:19:18,599 --> 00:19:22,480
Have you got your voucher?
Are you sure you left them here?
236
00:19:22,559 --> 00:19:24,520
Of course I am! Let's have 'em.
237
00:19:24,599 --> 00:19:28,320
They've been here a while.
You should have come sooner.
238
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,920
It's been cold and pigs are only human.
239
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,160
- My wife had quins.
- Like that woman in Canada?
240
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,480
Have you got two pigs o' mine or not?
241
00:19:37,559 --> 00:19:39,520
Well, as a matter of fact, I...
242
00:19:39,599 --> 00:19:41,560
I won't keep you a moment.
243
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,640
- What, here? Alive?
- Yes.
244
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,120
Where are they?
I thought you said we'd eaten them.
245
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,840
Would you come and identify
your property, Mr Murphy?
246
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,200
There you are.
247
00:20:02,839 --> 00:20:05,440
It says two here. Whose is the other one?
248
00:20:05,519 --> 00:20:07,960
- Him. There were six.
- Ah, yeah...
249
00:20:09,039 --> 00:20:13,480
Let me congratulate you. Your pigs
have had a visit from the stock.
250
00:20:13,559 --> 00:20:17,520
Seems they've had one from
the butcher too. Where's the rest?
251
00:20:17,599 --> 00:20:20,040
- The litter?
- Oh, we'll clear it up.
252
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,960
- I mean the little pigs.
- Oh, this?
253
00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:25,560
But you don't call one a litter, do you?
254
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:30,440
- Patsy-Jane farrows at least seven.
- She can't keep it up all the time.
255
00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:33,840
- I wants my property.
- Take it. Two pigs, it says.
256
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,440
- And my litter. 'Tis the law of nature.
- But not of the railway.
257
00:20:37,519 --> 00:20:39,960
What doesn't go in, can't come out...
258
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:43,920
What you don't put in, you can't take out.
See for yourself.
259
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,560
''The company is liable...
in the aggregate...
260
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,600
''negligence...more than...
if it's left on the premises.''
261
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,840
You see. You left two pigs.
Plain as a pigstaff.
262
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,560
- I'll sue the company.
- I'm sorry but rules are rules.
263
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,280
I'm acting within the litter...
the letter of the law.
264
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,320
I'll settle with you!
265
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,720
- Well, you can settle this bill.
- Bill? What for?
266
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:10,760
- For the keep of two pigs, 15 shillings.
- What?!
267
00:21:10,839 --> 00:21:13,640
But I'll take the small pig in settlement.
268
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,920
So you not only steal me pigs,
you charge me 15 shillings for it!
269
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,960
You can't break company rules.
270
00:21:20,039 --> 00:21:23,520
I will break
something belonging to the company...
271
00:21:23,599 --> 00:21:25,560
Hello?
272
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,600
- Has he gone?
- No.
273
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,640
This is the station.
What can I do for you?
274
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,080
What's that? A fire? Where?
275
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,120
- At the farm?
- Whose farm?
276
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,920
- Good gracious.
- What are you on about?
277
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960
What? The haystack's gone?
And the barns?
278
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:44,800
- Whose barns?
- Oh, dear. And the house?!
279
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,840
- Whose house?
- Yours!
280
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,240
How's Mrs Murphy and the quins?
281
00:21:50,319 --> 00:21:52,280
Here, what was all that about?
282
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:56,320
Never you mind. You send
those pigs back to Murphy's farm.
283
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,160
If you see a stork, throw something at it.
284
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,720
- What's that?
- Oh, the express.
285
00:22:04,799 --> 00:22:08,000
- A train?! When?
- 10 minutes but it won't stop.
286
00:22:08,079 --> 00:22:11,040
- It will!
- It only stops at important stations.
287
00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:15,600
In future, this will be an important
station. It's going to stop today.
288
00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:35,720
Well, I... Don't just sit there.
There's a train coming!
289
00:22:35,799 --> 00:22:37,760
Tidy up the place a bit! Go on.
290
00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:41,400
- Get those things off the line.
- It ain't a thing. It's a melon.
291
00:22:45,039 --> 00:22:47,640
- Take the washing down.
- It's not dry.
292
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,800
We're a station, not a laundry!
293
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,480
You'll cop it for stopping a train
for no reason.
294
00:23:05,559 --> 00:23:09,120
I'm stationmaster!
If I want a train to stop, it stops!
295
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,520
The gate! Where's the wheel
that opens that gate?
296
00:23:21,839 --> 00:23:23,800
- Is the gate opening?
- No.
297
00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,320
- Opening now?
- No.
298
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,360
- I've turned this wheel four times.
- That wheel don't work.
299
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,400
- You mean I've broken my back...
- You have to open it by hand.
300
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,440
Well, why didn't you say so?
301
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,000
Albert, come and undo this padlock.
302
00:23:44,079 --> 00:23:46,520
- We lost the key.
- How do you open it?
303
00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:48,960
- You lift it off the hinges.
- Oh...
304
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,960
You go and open the other one.
305
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,480
Oh, the signal.
306
00:24:13,039 --> 00:24:15,800
'Ere! 'Ere, 'ere! Easy with my tomatoes.
307
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,520
What do you think this is?
Kew Gardens?
308
00:24:18,599 --> 00:24:22,840
- I brought these up by hand.
- Well, they're coming down by foot.
309
00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:28,240
- Put that back!
- Leave me alone!
310
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:41,080
- What do you make o' that at all?
- It's a distress signal.
311
00:24:46,759 --> 00:24:48,880
Whoa, laddie.
312
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,000
What are you stopping my train for?
313
00:25:10,079 --> 00:25:13,080
- I'm the new stationmaster.
- What about it?
314
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,160
- I thought we'd make acquaintance.
- What?!
315
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:21,320
I don't want my train held up every time
some dirty little halt changes staff.
316
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,240
- Don't say that about my station!
- Station? It's a dump.
317
00:25:25,319 --> 00:25:29,200
- No decent train'd stop here.
- They're going to!
318
00:25:29,279 --> 00:25:32,040
Dirty indeed! It's as clean as your train.
319
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:36,440
- Take your hands off my train!
- Take your feet off my platform.
320
00:25:36,519 --> 00:25:38,480
- Can't you move up a bit?
- No.
321
00:25:38,559 --> 00:25:41,520
- Can't you move up a couple of yards?
- Go away.
322
00:25:41,599 --> 00:25:44,720
- A couple of inches, then?
- What's the trouble?
323
00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:46,760
Look at my pants!
324
00:25:49,079 --> 00:25:51,320
They're as dirty as when he took 'em off.
325
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,640
- Right away.
- Wait!
326
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,960
You can't tell him that.
I'm the stationmaster!
327
00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:06,320
- All aboard for Ballyhooley, Ballykelly...
- Go on.
328
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:12,280
Stay there. When I'm ready. All aboard
for Ballybuggle...and other bally places.
329
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:16,560
- You don't know where it goes.
- I wash my hands of it after here.
330
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,600
All right, push off.
331
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,640
He goes when I say. Go ahead.
332
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:26,200
- I don't want any impertinence from you.
- You big floppy misfit. Get a proper hat.
333
00:26:26,279 --> 00:26:28,240
What does he mean, a proper hat?
334
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,400
Your station smells like a dustbin.
It isn't even on the map.
335
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,440
- You guard, you!
- Black thief!
336
00:26:36,519 --> 00:26:41,400
Four-eyes! And you mind you stop here
next time or there'll be trouble!
337
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,680
Huh!
338
00:26:45,759 --> 00:26:47,720
Not on the map indeed.
339
00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:49,760
Sauce!
340
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:55,480
Oh, well.
Maybe it could do with a coat of paint.
341
00:26:55,559 --> 00:26:57,520
Hey! You knocked those up?
342
00:26:57,599 --> 00:27:01,240
- No, they got out at the wrong station.
- Oh, all right.
343
00:27:01,319 --> 00:27:03,880
Well, don't stand there! Shell some peas.
344
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:29,760
Post! Another for the stationmaster.
What are you doing to the station?
345
00:27:29,839 --> 00:27:32,560
Putting it on the map. Guv'nor's idea.
346
00:27:37,039 --> 00:27:39,560
- Harbottle?
- Eh?
347
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,120
That's wrong. There are two Ls in Kelly.
348
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,160
- Can't have that. 13 letters. Unlucky.
- Oh.
349
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,200
Well, take one of the Ks out.
Nobody'll notice.
350
00:27:55,559 --> 00:27:57,520
You're wasting your time.
351
00:27:57,599 --> 00:28:00,560
- What's that?
- You're wasting your time.
352
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,680
- What are you doing there?
- Watching you wasting your time.
353
00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:08,720
- You waste yours and I'll waste mine.
- What are you burying?
354
00:28:08,799 --> 00:28:11,680
I'm burying nothing. I'm planting lobelia.
355
00:28:11,759 --> 00:28:14,040
- You're wasting your time.
- Why?
356
00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:16,400
You won't be here when they come up.
357
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:22,240
- Won't he go away? Is he a relation?
- No, but we go out with the same girl.
358
00:28:22,319 --> 00:28:24,280
Well, let's ignore him.
359
00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:31,880
You go and wait by the office
in case my Belfast call comes through.
360
00:28:33,599 --> 00:28:35,920
You're wasting your time!
361
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,760
All right, I'll buy it. What is it?
362
00:28:38,839 --> 00:28:42,920
- There was no wind last night.
- What's that got to do with me?
363
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:48,560
Yet the sails of the windmill
went round and round and round.
364
00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,600
Good day to you!
365
00:29:00,319 --> 00:29:03,320
- What are you doing?
- Taking a bit of chocolate.
366
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:08,160
- What do you think the slot's for?
- To blow down if the kick don't work.
367
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,640
I'll tell you something.
Telephone's ringing.
368
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,240
Get out of it!
369
00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:21,440
- Hello?
- Belfast here. You called. Who is that?
370
00:29:21,519 --> 00:29:23,960
- This is Buggleskelly.
- What's that?
371
00:29:24,039 --> 00:29:26,000
Buggleskelly.
372
00:29:26,079 --> 00:29:28,760
B for Basket. Eh? What? Who did?
373
00:29:28,839 --> 00:29:32,200
I did not!
Buggleskelly is the name of my station.
374
00:29:32,279 --> 00:29:35,000
Oh, it's you again. What is it this time?
375
00:29:35,079 --> 00:29:37,840
All right, I'll put you through to Mr Brock.
376
00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:39,960
Mr Brock.
377
00:29:40,039 --> 00:29:41,840
Yes?
378
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,880
Porter? Where?
379
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:48,640
I'm not a railway porter. I'm Porter
the stationmaster. No, not both.
380
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,360
I'm Stationmaster Porter at Buggles...
On your railway.
381
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,240
What now? You've had
200 posters and 50 gallons of paint.
382
00:29:56,319 --> 00:29:58,280
What have you got there? A circus?
383
00:29:58,359 --> 00:30:01,480
Oh, you want to run an excursion.
Where to?
384
00:30:01,559 --> 00:30:04,560
There must be
a lot of nice places in Ireland.
385
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,640
There's Kilkenny,
where the cats come from.
386
00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,240
And Connemara, with all the bogs.
387
00:30:10,319 --> 00:30:12,600
There's Limerick, home of poetry.
388
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,800
Limerick...
There was a young lady of Gloucester...
389
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,360
- How many tickets could you sell?
- What shall I say?
390
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:23,040
- Whose sweetheart double-crossed her.
- Whose... What?
391
00:30:23,119 --> 00:30:25,280
The young lady from Gloucester.
392
00:30:25,359 --> 00:30:28,760
I'll kick that one tooth of yours out,
you old fool.
393
00:30:28,839 --> 00:30:32,240
No, not you. How many people
would go to Connemara?
394
00:30:32,319 --> 00:30:35,120
- The party from the church.
- The church party.
395
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,560
- The girl at the post office.
- The post office staff.
396
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,400
- And my bird.
- And his bird. Get out of it!
397
00:30:43,799 --> 00:30:45,920
I can't give you the exact number
398
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:49,080
but in rough figures,
I should say quite a lot.
399
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:52,440
Oh, I should think
two carriages would be enough.
400
00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:57,280
Oh, there's one other little thing
we shall want. An engine. Thank you.
401
00:30:58,799 --> 00:31:01,960
- What rolling stock have we got?
- Coal trucks.
402
00:31:02,039 --> 00:31:04,320
Not coal trucks. I mean carriages!
403
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:09,160
- We ain't got any carriages.
- Oh, go and play with your Plasticine.
404
00:31:09,359 --> 00:31:12,320
There's an old carriage
but I doubt it'll roll.
405
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:16,280
Everything here is either too old
or it won't work! And you're both.
406
00:31:16,359 --> 00:31:18,520
Roll, the pair of you.
407
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,600
- Here y'are.
- Yes...
408
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:36,240
- We get it out from among those trucks.
- That's right.
409
00:31:36,319 --> 00:31:39,360
- What is?
- We get it out from among those trucks.
410
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,400
- I just said that.
- I know.
411
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,920
Well, get your coats off and get to it!
412
00:31:52,559 --> 00:31:54,720
- We shall need Gladstone.
- What?
413
00:31:54,799 --> 00:31:57,760
- You don't know who Gladstone is.
- The man with the bags?
414
00:31:57,839 --> 00:32:01,520
- Gladstone's our engine.
- Why didn't you say you had an engine?!
415
00:32:01,599 --> 00:32:03,960
Show me. Albert, oil those wheels.
416
00:32:04,039 --> 00:32:07,520
- Haven't got an oil can.
- Get one out of the cruet.
417
00:32:11,319 --> 00:32:15,160
There she is. Isn't she a beauty?
418
00:32:18,759 --> 00:32:22,960
- What is it? The Rocket?
- That's Gladstone. Lovely lines, eh?
419
00:32:25,839 --> 00:32:28,560
- Does it go?
- How do you think it got here?
420
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,920
Well, maybe that stork brought it.
421
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,880
Wait a minute. Let me go first.
She knows me.
422
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,640
- Why the decorations?
- Relief of Mafeking.
423
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,680
Blimey. You just heard of it?
424
00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,920
- Where's the self-starter?
- She has to be on the boil.
425
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,240
Well, come on, do something about it.
426
00:32:50,559 --> 00:32:53,280
- Oh, good morning.
- Got a match?
427
00:32:53,359 --> 00:32:56,520
There you are.
428
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,480
- I'll start her.
- The hand must point to 80 first.
429
00:33:04,559 --> 00:33:06,520
- How do you get it to 80?
- Stoke her.
430
00:33:06,599 --> 00:33:09,040
- Where's the coal?
- In the scuttle.
431
00:33:09,119 --> 00:33:12,840
- Not enough to boil an egg.
- There's wood in the tender.
432
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,480
You can't destroy these!
They're company property.
433
00:33:16,559 --> 00:33:20,040
Destination boards.
Belfast, Tipperary, Dublin...
434
00:33:20,119 --> 00:33:22,880
- Cheltenham? You can burn that one.
- Oi!
435
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,920
I've oiled it, but I don't see
how you'll get the carriage out.
436
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:31,480
- We're going to shunt it out.
- Those trucks shouldn't even be there.
437
00:33:31,559 --> 00:33:34,720
I know that, they've got to be shifted.
Come on.
438
00:33:38,039 --> 00:33:41,040
Now, look here.
There's the carriage there.
439
00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:43,480
Turn out your pockets, Albert.
440
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,880
Now, that'll be the line of trucks there.
441
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:49,920
And this is the siding, innit?
442
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:54,040
That's the station.
You're on the wrong side! Get over here.
443
00:33:55,279 --> 00:33:57,640
Now, then. Let's see. Where were we?
444
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:04,520
There's Gladstone. These are the trucks.
How do we get the carriage out?
445
00:34:04,599 --> 00:34:07,640
- If we had a crane, we could lift it.
- A crane?!
446
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:11,400
With dynamite, we could blow it out!
You shut up too.
447
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:16,440
- Now, I'm Gladstone.
- No, I'm Gladstone.
448
00:34:16,519 --> 00:34:18,800
We can't have two Gladstones.
449
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,840
Then I'm not going to play.
450
00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:23,440
That's the...
451
00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:27,040
You've got me all mixed up now.
Show us, clever clogs.
452
00:34:27,119 --> 00:34:30,680
- I say Gladstone's here.
- How can Gladstone be there?!
453
00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,960
Whoa!
454
00:34:42,119 --> 00:34:44,080
- Stopped.
- Has it?
455
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:46,360
We've got to stop Gladstone too!
456
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,960
Come on, don't let it get away from you!
457
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:53,920
Hurry up!
458
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,360
Don't let it get away!
459
00:35:00,039 --> 00:35:02,000
Go on! Hurry up!
460
00:35:06,599 --> 00:35:09,520
Go on, stop her!
Harbottle, run on the sleepers!
461
00:35:09,599 --> 00:35:14,480
Albert, get ahead of it and head it off.
Go on! Don't let it...!
462
00:35:21,159 --> 00:35:23,120
Good morning, gentlemen.
463
00:35:23,199 --> 00:35:27,080
Just a staff drill in case
one of our engines ever got away.
464
00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:30,120
- You'll be the new stationmaster.
- I am...
465
00:35:30,199 --> 00:35:33,680
We represent local tradesmen
and we want some trains!
466
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:37,320
Oh, trains?
Oh, yes, we've got plenty of them here.
467
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:41,840
- But the devil if one of them stops.
- What? You mean ''didn't stop''.
468
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,880
Why, we had a train stop here on...
Tuesday.
469
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:49,040
- Where do you want to go?
- To the places listed on them tickets!
470
00:35:49,119 --> 00:35:51,080
- All of them?
- No less.
471
00:35:51,159 --> 00:35:56,320
We've supplied goods to them tickets'
value. Give us trains or our goods back.
472
00:35:56,400 --> 00:36:00,040
That's nonsense.
We don't demand our journeys back.
473
00:36:00,119 --> 00:36:03,760
- Hold on there.
- We'll ask your head office. Good day.
474
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,880
Oh, gentlemen, wait a minute.
475
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:07,920
I didn't say I wouldn't do it.
476
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:12,320
In fact, I'm making up a special now.
I'm just waiting for the OK.
477
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,360
Oh, excuse me, my engine.
478
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,400
- Could you come back tonight?
- What?! At night?
479
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,440
We will not!
480
00:36:20,519 --> 00:36:22,840
I'm busy now. Where could I see you?
481
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,880
- You know Barney's Bar?
- I know Barney's bull. Oh, yes, the local.
482
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:32,280
I'll see you there. But just now, I've got
some shunting to do, so I'll shunt off.
483
00:36:39,039 --> 00:36:43,000
There's the signal. Hold tight.
484
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:08,200
Funny. How did that happen?
485
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:11,720
- Do you know where those trucks went?
- Yes, down there.
486
00:37:17,159 --> 00:37:21,520
- We've got the carriage anyway.
- But you better get it off the mainline.
487
00:37:21,599 --> 00:37:23,840
The express'll be here any minute.
488
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,200
Well, what are you waiting for? Go on!
489
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,400
Why won't it start?
Do something! Pull some levers!
490
00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,840
You've gone and let all the steam out.
491
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,520
We can make some more
when we want it.
492
00:37:47,599 --> 00:37:52,120
Yes, but we want it now.
The carriage is still on the mainline.
493
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:57,040
Well, don't stand dithering there.
Get out and push.
494
00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,040
'Ere, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I'm coming.
495
00:38:05,119 --> 00:38:09,640
'Ere, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What day is it?
496
00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:13,680
- It's our last if we don't get this shifted.
- It's the 19th.
497
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,360
''On April 19th, summertime will start.
Adjust your clocks.''
498
00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,400
See, we got lots of time.
499
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:24,000
Correct... That's addressed to me.
Why are you opening my letters?
500
00:38:24,079 --> 00:38:28,800
- To tell you who it's from.
- In future, you leave my letters alone!
501
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:33,480
''To adjust the service, the 11 o'clock
express will run at 12 o'clock.''
502
00:38:33,559 --> 00:38:36,960
- What's the hurry? We've got two hours.
- How come?
503
00:38:37,039 --> 00:38:40,680
The clocks go back an hour
and the train's an hour late.
504
00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:45,680
No, the clocks go forward and the train
back. The express is due any minute.
505
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:49,320
- How can it be if it's an hour late?
- It's summertime.
506
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:53,360
He's potty. Summer or winter,
if a train's late, it's late.
507
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,920
- But the clocks go forward.
- Then the train's gone!
508
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:01,440
- No, no, the clocks go back.
- You take an hour off the end of the day.
509
00:39:01,519 --> 00:39:04,600
- No, off the beginning.
- That's wintertime!
510
00:39:04,679 --> 00:39:07,320
- Wintertime you put 'em back.
- I said that!
511
00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:12,680
You said you put it back in summer.
If the clocks go forward, the train's early.
512
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,680
You put the clocks back not forward
and you put the train back.
513
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,360
- I see. You put everything back.
- Yes.
514
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,920
- Sorry. You're right.
- The train's two hours away.
515
00:39:36,559 --> 00:39:40,400
That's your fault. I said
we should have put the clocks forward.
516
00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:01,280
- What are you doing?
- A trick. Fill 'em up and I'll show you.
517
00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,320
I bet you would.
518
00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,840
- Sold any tickets for the excursions?
- No.
519
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,400
- Well, sell some.
- Nobody wants to go to Connemara.
520
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:16,680
- You've not sold them in the right way.
- All right, you have a go. Double one.
521
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,120
- It's been a nice day.
- It has that.
522
00:40:29,199 --> 00:40:32,680
Connemara would be nice today.
You know Connemara?
523
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,720
- Indeed I do. I have an uncle there.
- Have you? Have a drink.
524
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,920
Thanks. I'll have a pint of porter.
525
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,840
- Grand old place, Connemara.
- It is that.
526
00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:44,760
- Salmon in the river.
- Grouse on the moor.
527
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,800
- Deer in the hills.
- Mischief in the town.
528
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:49,840
Oh, your health.
529
00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:52,040
So you've an uncle in Connemara?
530
00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:55,080
I'm running an excursion there
tomorrow.
531
00:40:55,159 --> 00:40:59,120
- How about a surprise visit?
- That wouldn't surprise him.
532
00:40:59,199 --> 00:41:01,520
- Why not?
- He's in the cemetery.
533
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,960
You're wasting your time!
534
00:41:09,039 --> 00:41:13,200
You frozen-faced old...
Oh, good evening, gentlemen.
535
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,240
- Now, what about it?
- Eh? Oh, yes, yes.
536
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:20,040
Regarding the matter of your tickets,
I have a solution.
537
00:41:20,119 --> 00:41:23,080
Forget solutions.
Have you got our trains?!
538
00:41:23,159 --> 00:41:26,480
In a way.
Perhaps not trains, but I've got a train.
539
00:41:26,559 --> 00:41:28,520
I've arranged an excursion for you.
540
00:41:28,599 --> 00:41:31,920
I'll give you new tickets
in exchange for your old.
541
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:36,360
An excursion? Will it be
after visiting all the places on our list?
542
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,400
I couldn't guarantee that.
The excursion is to Connemara.
543
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:42,440
Connemara? Where's that?
544
00:41:42,519 --> 00:41:44,480
What? Connemara? Well, it's...
545
00:41:44,559 --> 00:41:48,520
You er, go down the line
and take the first tunnel on the left.
546
00:41:48,599 --> 00:41:52,280
- And my ticket to Tipperary?
- It's a long way to Tipperary.
547
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:57,320
- The reason we're going to Connemara...
- It's Ballybunion I want to be at!
548
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,680
Perhaps later. Now, Connemara...
549
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:04,040
If you ask for turnips in my shop,
I don't try to give you carrots.
550
00:42:04,119 --> 00:42:07,440
I'm asking for Tipperary.
That's where I want to go.
551
00:42:07,519 --> 00:42:10,040
Don't get excited, don't get excited!
552
00:42:10,119 --> 00:42:14,480
If you really want Tipperary,
perhaps I can alter the excursion.
553
00:42:14,559 --> 00:42:17,400
- That sounds reasonable.
- Reasonable?!
554
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:21,920
- My ticket's for Ballybunion!
- Just trying to please. Tell him.
555
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:23,960
The gentleman said Tipperary.
556
00:42:24,039 --> 00:42:28,400
To blazes with Tipperary
and Ballybunion! What about my Cork?!
557
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:32,440
We're going to Ballybunion,
the finest place in Ireland.
558
00:42:32,519 --> 00:42:34,480
Are you going to stand for that?
559
00:42:34,559 --> 00:42:38,520
It's the finest place in the world,
and that down your throat!
560
00:42:38,599 --> 00:42:42,840
- What do you say to that?
- As if Connemara weren't bad enough!
561
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:46,400
What's that you said about
my home town, Connemara?
562
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:50,080
- You keep out of this.
- He can't talk to you like that!
563
00:42:50,159 --> 00:42:53,120
And neither can you!
564
00:42:53,199 --> 00:42:55,320
Look what he's done to your beer.
565
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,640
- Would you step this way?
- I'd be delighted.
566
00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:02,920
- Go on, tread on the tail o' me coat.
- All right, knock that off.
567
00:43:12,159 --> 00:43:14,120
Double ones again.
568
00:43:16,239 --> 00:43:18,200
And I come from Dublin.
569
00:43:50,559 --> 00:43:53,120
So you'll sort me out, will you?
570
00:44:10,639 --> 00:44:12,600
Sit down.
571
00:44:12,679 --> 00:44:14,960
- I'm sorry, I can't...
- Sit down!
572
00:44:15,039 --> 00:44:18,360
I was about to send for you, Mr Porter.
Take a drink.
573
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:21,880
- As a matter of fact, I...
- Take a drink!
574
00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:25,000
Here's long life to you, Mr Stationmaster.
575
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,800
Same to you, Mr...
I didn't catch your name.
576
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:30,520
- Call me Joe.
- Joe, yes.
577
00:44:31,599 --> 00:44:33,960
What's this train you've got tomorrow?
578
00:44:34,039 --> 00:44:37,440
It's a little idea I had.
Special excursion to...
579
00:44:37,519 --> 00:44:41,480
- Going east or west?
- Both. East going, west coming back.
580
00:44:41,559 --> 00:44:45,520
- It's going to Connemara.
- Pe_ect. How many tickets have gone?
581
00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,560
Oh, let me see now...
582
00:44:47,639 --> 00:44:50,080
- Have you sold any?
- No.
583
00:44:50,159 --> 00:44:53,400
- Right, I'll take the lot.
- What? The whole 200?
584
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:57,680
- You must have a large family.
- Oh, no, it's for a football team.
585
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:01,320
The Buggleskelly Wednesday.
We're playing a match.
586
00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,360
What, on a Tuesday? How funny.
587
00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,400
- What about the money?
- What?!
588
00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:08,440
- Just a formality.
- I'll pay when I come back.
589
00:45:08,519 --> 00:45:12,360
- Win or lose?
- Yes, and I want that train at 6am.
590
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,040
Impossible. My trip's not running till 10.
591
00:45:15,119 --> 00:45:17,080
That's too bad. The deal's off.
592
00:45:17,159 --> 00:45:20,640
Don't say that.
I'll see that it runs early for you.
593
00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:24,040
- And er, how about the doings?
- That'll be all.
594
00:45:24,119 --> 00:45:26,960
Don't forget. Six o'clock in the morning!
595
00:45:27,039 --> 00:45:29,000
Six o'clock? Yes.
596
00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:33,320
Er, good night. Good luck
to the Tuesday, er, the Wednesday.
597
00:46:07,679 --> 00:46:11,160
- Come on, what's all this?
- He's drunk and he's out!
598
00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:14,200
What are they doing
with my station trolley?
599
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,240
That's how he gets home.
Albert pushes him.
600
00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:21,120
- Who's going to push him tonight?
- It looks like you are!
601
00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:25,920
Pardon.
602
00:46:39,119 --> 00:46:41,720
Hey, Harbottle. Albert, get up, get up!
603
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:45,160
- Help me get this train away.
- Hey!
604
00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:48,480
Is it right that
you're starting the train now?
605
00:46:48,559 --> 00:46:51,400
Of course.
The passengers are due any minute.
606
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,440
Get a move on. Get in your cab.
607
00:46:55,519 --> 00:46:58,480
Oh, good morning, gentlemen.
Tickets, please.
608
00:46:58,559 --> 00:47:01,600
Morning. Tickets, please. Good morning.
609
00:47:01,679 --> 00:47:04,240
Good morning, sir.
Tickets, please. Morning.
610
00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:06,760
Ah. Good morning, sir. Tickets, please.
611
00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:10,080
All aboard for fast,
nonstop special express,
612
00:47:10,159 --> 00:47:12,840
dining car, saloon train to Connemara!
613
00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:14,880
All aboard! Tickets, please.
614
00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:19,480
Oh, I've got them. You can't take
luggage like that on an excursion.
615
00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:22,920
- Those are the goalposts.
- That's all right, then.
616
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:24,960
I say, what's in that?
617
00:47:25,039 --> 00:47:28,040
- Those are lemons for half-time.
- Oh, I see.
618
00:47:28,119 --> 00:47:30,960
- Here, don't put that on the rack.
- Ready?
619
00:47:31,039 --> 00:47:33,000
- Sure.
- Let her go.
620
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,360
Hey, you, come here.
621
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:47,520
Why are we waiting?
Have you got to do all that?
622
00:47:47,599 --> 00:47:53,400
Oh, yes. Very important. Still, if you're in
a hurry, you could clip them on the way.
623
00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:00,680
Take care of yourselves!
624
00:48:17,639 --> 00:48:21,920
Hello, Bracken. This is Buggleskelly,
reporting excursion away.
625
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:25,280
There's nothing under my schedule
for four hours.
626
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:29,920
I don't care about your schedule.
Expect my excursion any minute.
627
00:48:32,599 --> 00:48:36,240
Hey, hey, come on! Get up!
Get out of it! Come on!
628
00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,680
Get up! Fancy lying in bed at this time.
629
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:42,720
Get up. What do you think it is?
A rest-home?
630
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,800
- What's the idea?
- I'll show you what the idea is.
631
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:51,120
I'm not running this station by myself.
See this clock? Sleeping to this hour!
632
00:48:51,199 --> 00:48:53,160
Come on, get up. Come on.
633
00:48:55,239 --> 00:48:59,360
- Our day don't start till eight.
- It starts when mine starts.
634
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:02,880
Your hours must conform
to the prescri...the...
635
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:05,120
You get up when I tell you! Go on.
636
00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:19,040
Whoo! Yoo! Whoo!
637
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:22,840
Here, what are you doing?!
638
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:26,800
I'm doing everything!
I had to get that train off by myself.
639
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:28,920
- What train?
- Yeah, what train?
640
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:32,480
- The one that's just gone.
- Last train was Tuesday.
641
00:49:32,559 --> 00:49:35,680
- You'll say I'm talking rubbish next.
- I'm saying it now.
642
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:37,720
I never heard no train go out.
643
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:41,240
You were in no state to hear anything.
644
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,280
I'll attend to that.
645
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:46,320
Hello? Stationmaster, Buggleskelly, here.
646
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:50,000
What's this train that's left your place?
It has not!
647
00:49:50,079 --> 00:49:54,120
It left here at six o'clock.
I looked at our clocks.
648
00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:58,160
You sure you haven't seen it?
Oh, well, maybe it's had a puncture.
649
00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:02,520
What do you mean, am I sure it left?
Of course. Don't talk to me like that!
650
00:50:04,119 --> 00:50:06,480
You let me tell you... Hello? Hello?
651
00:50:06,559 --> 00:50:08,520
Oh.
652
00:50:08,599 --> 00:50:10,600
Hmm...
653
00:50:11,679 --> 00:50:15,640
- Bracken Junction hasn't seen the train.
- There never was one.
654
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:17,680
I know a train when I see one!
655
00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:22,760
- Even after a night at Barney's Bar?
- I suppose there were passengers too.
656
00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:26,280
Of course. The Buggleskelly Wednesday
football team.
657
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:30,080
Our only team is the Swifts
and they won't go without me.
658
00:50:30,159 --> 00:50:33,160
- I'm their centre forward.
- Do me a favour.
659
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,200
Before the express comes,
nod off on the rails.
660
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:39,840
- If it's one of your trains, it won't hurt.
- Listen!
661
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:44,600
I clipped all the tickets and
the clippings'll be on the platform now.
662
00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,600
Hello?
663
00:50:49,679 --> 00:50:54,880
Look, I've held the down express for
four minutes. Has your train come back?
664
00:50:56,599 --> 00:50:59,560
He's held up the express.
What do I tell him?
665
00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,600
Tell him to let it through.
666
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,440
You tell him.
667
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:14,120
Hello. Let the express through.
The excursion doesn't leave till ten.
668
00:51:14,199 --> 00:51:18,160
- Oh, the old man? He had a thick night.
- Yes!
669
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,200
OK. Suits us.
670
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,240
Says he's going to report him.
671
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:25,480
- Poor old guv'nor.
- He's going like the others.
672
00:51:25,559 --> 00:51:28,000
There'll be another clock here soon.
673
00:51:28,079 --> 00:51:30,720
'Ere, we better humour him.
674
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:32,920
The clippings are not there now.
675
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:37,280
- Of course they're not.
- Well, they were. Must have blown away.
676
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,880
- Of course they must.
- I'm not barmy!
677
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,920
Of course you're not!
678
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:45,880
I saw that train off at six.
Don't say, ''Of course you did.''
679
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:47,920
- Where is it now?
- Bracken.
680
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,960
- We'll soon know.
- Why?
681
00:51:50,039 --> 00:51:51,840
Go on, tell him.
682
00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:54,400
- If you had a drain...
- And a rabbit went down it.
683
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:56,920
- But you weren't sure.
- What would you do?
684
00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:00,920
- Get a plumber. What about the train?
- You bung a ferret in.
685
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:05,040
- What? In my train?
- If it comes out with blood on its nose...
686
00:52:05,119 --> 00:52:08,480
Somebody's punched it
and that'll happen to you.
687
00:52:08,559 --> 00:52:13,080
- If it comes out with no blood on it...
- Then the rabbit isn't there.
688
00:52:13,159 --> 00:52:16,400
What are you talking about?
What rabbit is this?
689
00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:18,760
- An allegorical rabbit.
- A what?
690
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:22,720
- What's it got to do with my train?
- Your train's a rabbit.
691
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:25,160
- What's the ferret?
- The express.
692
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:29,040
- He let it through.
- What? You let the express through?!
693
00:52:29,119 --> 00:52:32,920
If there's any blood on my train's nose...
694
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:34,960
Get out of the way.
695
00:52:48,199 --> 00:52:50,800
- Did you see any blood?
- Not a drop.
696
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:12,000
Tell 'em about the football team.
697
00:53:12,079 --> 00:53:15,040
- The one that left this morning.
- What team?
698
00:53:15,119 --> 00:53:17,800
- The man bought their tickets.
- What man?
699
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,320
- In the back room.
- That's my room.
700
00:53:20,400 --> 00:53:24,200
- There'd be nobody in there.
- What's wrong with you lot?
701
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,240
You know very well...
No, I can see you don't.
702
00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:30,720
We fixed up sending away
Buggleskelly Wednesday.
703
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:34,240
- I expect there's no such team.
- I never heard of it.
704
00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:38,560
They went on my excursion.
You remember me selling the tickets.
705
00:53:38,639 --> 00:53:40,880
I do not.
706
00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,120
Was anybody here last night?
707
00:53:43,199 --> 00:53:45,880
I can see you were.
You must have seen me.
708
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,120
I was busy with two other fellas.
709
00:53:49,199 --> 00:53:52,840
- You admit there was a fight.
- There was an argument.
710
00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:56,160
It was then I went and met this man.
He'd got one eye.
711
00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:58,200
One eye? Did he say who he was?
712
00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:01,080
No, but he told me to call him Joe.
713
00:54:01,159 --> 00:54:03,560
One-eyed Joe, the miller!
714
00:54:03,639 --> 00:54:06,400
He went with the party on the train.
715
00:54:06,480 --> 00:54:08,600
The train! He's seen that too.
716
00:54:08,679 --> 00:54:12,320
Of course I have. I waved it out!
Why? What's the matter?
717
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:16,440
You've seen the miller.
You're no company for the likes of us.
718
00:54:17,679 --> 00:54:19,640
What's the idea of all this?
719
00:54:19,719 --> 00:54:22,240
The mill wheel turns
though the night is still
720
00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:24,840
He haunts the station, he haunts the hill
721
00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:27,160
And the land that lies between!
722
00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:30,480
A house agent, is he?
I want his name and address.
723
00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:32,840
He was took by a train ten years ago.
724
00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:35,680
Yes, and he was took to my train
this morning.
725
00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:39,000
Don't be talking about such things
in this house.
726
00:54:39,079 --> 00:54:41,040
Let sleeping ghosts lie.
727
00:54:41,119 --> 00:54:45,000
I'll stand for ghosts carrying their heads,
but not goalposts.
728
00:54:45,079 --> 00:54:47,040
I want my train back. Come on.
729
00:54:47,119 --> 00:54:50,520
No, we're not coming.
They're open in half an hour.
730
00:54:50,599 --> 00:54:53,560
- Hey...
- I know, I'm wasting my time!
731
00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:08,880
- Hello?
- Doesn't anyone answer your phone?
732
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:12,120
I've been to the local...
the local signal box.
733
00:55:12,199 --> 00:55:15,040
- Where's this excursion?
- Haven't you seen it?
734
00:55:15,119 --> 00:55:18,400
- No. Nobody has.
- Oh. That's funny, isn't it?
735
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,160
No, it's not.
Are you certain you sent it off?
736
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:24,080
- Are you certain you sent it to me?
- Of course!
737
00:55:24,159 --> 00:55:27,640
- Well, I'm certain I sent it off.
- Then where the blazes is it?
738
00:55:27,719 --> 00:55:29,800
I dunno. Who had it last?
739
00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:33,760
The train was sent to you
and it hasn't been heard of since.
740
00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:37,040
I can't fathom it.
Does your driver know the way?
741
00:55:37,119 --> 00:55:40,760
- Has there been an accident?
- Not according to my ferret.
742
00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:42,600
Hello?
743
00:55:42,679 --> 00:55:44,240
Just a moment.
744
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,720
This is Bracken. Where is your train?
745
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:48,840
Have you sent that excursion off?!
746
00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,880
- Yes!
- 'Well, where is it?!'
747
00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:52,920
We've mislaid it. Excuse me.
748
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,960
- It went at six o'clock.
- 'When?'
749
00:55:55,039 --> 00:55:59,000
- 'What? It was scheduled for ten#
- 'Is that a different one?'
750
00:55:59,079 --> 00:56:01,160
- No!
- 'Are you contradicting me?'
751
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:03,400
- No, not you. You!
- 'Yes?'
752
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:05,880
- No!
- Why did you change the schedules?
753
00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:09,120
- It suits my customers better.
- What customers?
754
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:12,360
- I'm not talking to you.
- Pull yourself together.
755
00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,640
- I am together.
- Where is it?
756
00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:16,800
Get off the line. Ring off!
757
00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,040
Do you know who you're talking to?
758
00:56:19,119 --> 00:56:22,120
- Yes, to him.
- I'll report this to Brocker.
759
00:56:22,199 --> 00:56:24,880
Too late. I'm talking to the old fool now.
760
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,160
Old fool? What are you gibbering about?
761
00:56:27,239 --> 00:56:30,680
I can't hold up the service.
Can I stick me signals up?
762
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:34,000
If it'll give you any pleasure.
I'm ringing off.
763
00:56:34,079 --> 00:56:38,080
Oh, are you? You can pack up
your things and go back to England.
764
00:56:38,159 --> 00:56:42,400
- If you're not out by tonight...
- Tonight? What's the hurry?
765
00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:44,240
- You're fired!
- Fired?
766
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,680
- Yes, fired!
- Oh.
767
00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:50,920
Well, I've been thrown out
of better stations than this!
768
00:56:57,639 --> 00:57:00,160
- What you packing for?
- I'm leaving.
769
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:03,720
- Tonight? Have you told head office?
- They told me.
770
00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:05,760
What's the matter?
771
00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:10,320
- He's got the push.
- Poor old guv.
772
00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:13,480
Here, you can't go like this.
Have some bacon.
773
00:57:13,559 --> 00:57:16,880
- I won't deprive you.
- It won't keep much longer.
774
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:20,920
I knew you wouldn't stay.
He never liked stationmasters.
775
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:23,960
- Who?
- One-eyed Joe, the miller.
776
00:57:24,039 --> 00:57:26,360
Listen, I've had enough of him.
777
00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:28,960
I've never heard such a lot of rubbish.
778
00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:32,040
Every night, when the moon gives light
The miller's ghost is seen
779
00:57:32,119 --> 00:57:35,600
- He walks the track, a sack on his back...
- And his earhole painted green!
780
00:57:35,679 --> 00:57:38,320
He haunts the tunnel, he haunts the hill
and the land that lies between...
781
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,360
Nah, it's all my eye.
782
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:42,400
Here, I'll give you this.
783
00:57:42,480 --> 00:57:44,920
There isn't a tunnel on our line.
784
00:57:45,000 --> 00:57:50,000
- No, but there is on the old loop line.
- Loop line? First I've heard of that.
785
00:57:50,079 --> 00:57:52,840
- It runs through Pooker Hill.
- Disused.
786
00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,560
- Where does it lead?
- Across the border.
787
00:57:55,639 --> 00:57:59,600
Border? Loop line? Tunnel?
I've got it! Go on.
788
00:57:59,679 --> 00:58:02,640
- Where we going?
- To find my train!
789
00:58:03,679 --> 00:58:08,480
- No more arguments. We're going.
- But we might overwork Gladstone.
790
00:58:08,559 --> 00:58:12,120
- It's haunted.
- Shut up. Let's see the map, Albert.
791
00:58:12,199 --> 00:58:14,800
There's Pooker Hill
and the mill on the top.
792
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,400
There's the line to Bracken Junction.
793
00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:19,760
The line crosses the border there.
794
00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:24,800
- Here's where the old line branches out.
- One-eyed Joe was killed right there.
795
00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:26,840
A banshee!
796
00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:30,080
Banshee! It's Gladstone on the boil.
Come on.
797
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:46,640
- Whoa!
- What's he say?
798
00:58:46,719 --> 00:58:49,480
- He said whoa.
- Oh, I thought he said Joe!
799
00:58:56,280 --> 00:59:00,280
This is the branch line all right.
Where's the point lever?
800
00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:04,360
- Be quiet!
- I've got it.
801
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,680
- I got it first.
- That's oil!
802
00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:08,520
Hello...
803
00:59:08,599 --> 00:59:11,960
- What does that prove?
- There's been a cattle show.
804
00:59:12,039 --> 00:59:16,440
That's a football favour!
It shows we're on the right track. Go on.
805
00:59:16,519 --> 00:59:18,480
Right.
806
00:59:26,039 --> 00:59:28,000
Look, there's the tunnel.
807
00:59:30,199 --> 00:59:33,480
- There's something across it.
- It's disused.
808
00:59:33,559 --> 00:59:35,440
Slow down. You'll hit it.
809
00:59:35,519 --> 00:59:37,560
- Eh?
- Put your brakes on!
810
00:59:37,639 --> 00:59:39,520
Brake! Brake!
811
00:59:39,599 --> 00:59:41,480
Brake!
812
00:59:44,639 --> 00:59:47,560
Why didn't you stop when I told you to?
813
00:59:47,639 --> 00:59:51,440
- I have stopped.
- You couldn't help it with that there!
814
00:59:51,519 --> 00:59:54,840
Look, there it is - my excursion.
Now who's potty?
815
01:00:04,559 --> 01:00:08,520
- I wonder where everybody is.
- Could be playing football.
816
01:00:08,599 --> 01:00:11,560
- Who plays football in the dark?
- Night schools.
817
01:00:11,639 --> 01:00:15,600
- They haven't unpacked the goalposts.
- Let's go back now.
818
01:00:15,679 --> 01:00:19,960
What? After they've pinched my train
and left it here? Not me!
819
01:00:20,039 --> 01:00:22,480
They haven't even paid for their tickets.
820
01:00:22,559 --> 01:00:23,920
Hey...
821
01:00:28,039 --> 01:00:32,240
- My tickets. They're not even clipped.
- Some more over there.
822
01:00:36,559 --> 01:00:38,600
Blimey, they chucked 'em away.
823
01:00:38,679 --> 01:00:40,640
Well, what a nerve!
824
01:00:42,519 --> 01:00:44,960
- Follow me.
- I'm not going in there.
825
01:00:45,039 --> 01:00:47,000
Do as you're told. And you too.
826
01:00:47,079 --> 01:00:50,240
I won't poke me nose
in other people's tunnels.
827
01:00:50,320 --> 01:00:52,760
So you'll let me go in alone to face...
828
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:55,120
- whatever there is to face?
- Yes.
829
01:00:55,199 --> 01:00:57,560
All right, I'll... Get inside!
830
01:01:04,159 --> 01:01:08,040
- It's all right. I'm behind you.
- Would you like to come in front?
831
01:01:08,119 --> 01:01:10,080
No, I can see fine from here.
832
01:01:10,159 --> 01:01:12,240
What was that?
833
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:14,680
- Voices.
- Must be somebody there.
834
01:01:14,760 --> 01:01:17,800
What's that growling?
835
01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:20,720
- It's my stomach.
- Well, keep it quiet.
836
01:01:23,159 --> 01:01:25,120
Hey...
837
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,920
- Guns!
- Odd things to take to a football match.
838
01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:34,600
They're gunrunners, not footballers.
839
01:01:34,679 --> 01:01:38,120
- Come on, boys, get that lot down.
- What's the hurry?
840
01:01:38,199 --> 01:01:42,160
If we're not over the border by sunrise,
we'll all be in jail.
841
01:01:42,239 --> 01:01:47,000
Get that lot down. I'll get the other one
from upstairs. Come on, Mickey!
842
01:01:47,079 --> 01:01:49,040
Hurry up. Don't take all night.
843
01:01:52,639 --> 01:01:55,160
This is a funny-looking place, innit?
844
01:01:55,239 --> 01:01:58,800
- We're in one-eyed Joe's cock-eyed mill!
- Oh, dear!
845
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:00,840
Quick! Behind this.
846
01:02:06,320 --> 01:02:08,280
We go to the left.
847
01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:10,240
- No, right.
- No, it's left.
848
01:02:12,400 --> 01:02:15,080
- Of course it's left.
- I say it's right.
849
01:02:15,159 --> 01:02:19,440
Stubborn old git. If we turn left,
we get there by the other road,
850
01:02:19,519 --> 01:02:21,480
whereas... Good evening.
851
01:02:21,559 --> 01:02:23,520
Get up.
852
01:02:23,599 --> 01:02:25,560
All of you.
853
01:02:25,639 --> 01:02:27,840
What are you doing here?
854
01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:30,320
Oh, er... You dropped your tickets.
855
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:34,000
- Don't try anything. There's three of us.
- No, two.
856
01:02:34,079 --> 01:02:36,440
- One.
- Follow me.
857
01:02:38,519 --> 01:02:40,480
Come here!
858
01:02:43,440 --> 01:02:45,720
Come on downstairs. And hurry.
859
01:02:51,679 --> 01:02:53,800
Bull's-eye!
860
01:02:53,880 --> 01:02:55,840
Let's barricade the door.
861
01:02:55,920 --> 01:02:58,880
- Then we can't get out.
- They can't get in!
862
01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:02,200
- Open this door!
- You open it yourself.
863
01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:07,120
- Where's Harbottle?
- He must be up there.
864
01:03:19,599 --> 01:03:23,240
- They're not here.
- They must have got out another way.
865
01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:25,520
It's all right. They're going.
866
01:03:41,159 --> 01:03:43,840
What's the matter? I thought you'd gone.
867
01:03:43,920 --> 01:03:48,760
- You think too much. Tie him up!
- You can't do that. I'm a British subject.
868
01:03:48,840 --> 01:03:53,040
What are you going to do?
You can't do that!
869
01:03:53,119 --> 01:03:55,240
And who's gonna stop us?
870
01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:57,280
Glory be! The ghost!
871
01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:00,320
The phantom miller...
872
01:04:01,679 --> 01:04:04,920
One-eyed Joe!
873
01:04:07,719 --> 01:04:09,680
Aa-choo!
874
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,360
That's no ghost.
875
01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:14,880
After 'em!
876
01:05:07,840 --> 01:05:10,400
- They're not here, Grogan.
- They can't get away.
877
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:13,440
We'll get them when we come back.
Slip that bolt!
878
01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:27,040
- They've taken the ladder away.
- Now we can't get down.
879
01:05:27,119 --> 01:05:30,040
Let's tie a rope to that hook
and slide down.
880
01:05:30,119 --> 01:05:32,720
It won't bear our weight. Use that beam.
881
01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:37,000
- But that goes round in the wind.
- We can try it. Give us a rope.
882
01:05:37,079 --> 01:05:40,840
- We haven't got a rope.
- What are we arguing about then?!
883
01:05:44,119 --> 01:05:46,280
- What was that?
- I dunno.
884
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:55,520
- You touching something?
- No, I'm holding on.
885
01:05:55,599 --> 01:05:59,040
- We're oscillating.
- I shall be sick in a minute.
886
01:05:59,119 --> 01:06:02,440
Stick your fingers in your ears
and count to 100.
887
01:06:05,239 --> 01:06:07,200
Hey, what's this?
888
01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:11,240
Cor, look!
889
01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,280
Oh, the propeller.
890
01:06:13,360 --> 01:06:18,360
- We could ride on one of these sails.
- It isn't going round.
891
01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:21,840
Something's holding it.
Must be a brake somewhere.
892
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:23,880
Ah, perhaps this is it.
893
01:06:26,239 --> 01:06:28,200
It's turning now.
894
01:06:32,599 --> 01:06:34,560
- Has it stopped?
- Yes.
895
01:06:34,639 --> 01:06:36,760
Then it's under control. Come on.
896
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:41,360
- Yes, what is it?
- We're going down. You're first.
897
01:06:41,440 --> 01:06:45,240
- Right down there?
- No, go along this horizontal sail.
898
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:48,480
- Which?
- This one, pointing to three o'clock.
899
01:06:48,559 --> 01:06:52,520
- Drop off at six o'clock. Understand?
- Yes. What time is it now?
900
01:06:52,599 --> 01:06:54,960
No, no, six o'clock at the bottom!
901
01:07:00,599 --> 01:07:03,200
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Come on, come on.
902
01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:06,040
- Right along here?
- Yes, go on.
903
01:07:08,719 --> 01:07:11,960
- It's a long way down.
- Never mind. You'll soon be there.
904
01:07:12,039 --> 01:07:14,160
That's what I'm afraid of.
905
01:07:14,239 --> 01:07:17,640
- You all right?
- Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Just a minute.
906
01:07:18,719 --> 01:07:20,680
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
907
01:07:21,760 --> 01:07:23,720
I'm back again.
908
01:07:25,719 --> 01:07:27,680
Hurry up.
909
01:07:31,559 --> 01:07:34,520
- Are you nearly there?
- Nearly.
910
01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:41,320
- I'm ready.
- He's ready.
911
01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:51,760
- All right, he'll be OK. Go on, you're next.
- Stop it, then.
912
01:07:51,840 --> 01:07:54,080
Oi!
913
01:07:55,559 --> 01:07:57,520
Do I have to fall in the water?
914
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,960
Oh, dear.
The blood's running to my hat.
915
01:08:33,239 --> 01:08:38,240
- It's bending.
- Look at the weight on it. Float a little!
916
01:08:42,760 --> 01:08:46,160
- Should I go to the end?
- Yes, but don't go past it.
917
01:08:57,600 --> 01:08:59,440
All right. I'm ready.
918
01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:14,880
- You all right down there?
- I'm up here!
919
01:09:16,399 --> 01:09:19,360
- What are you doing up there?
- I'm 12 o'clock.
920
01:09:19,439 --> 01:09:22,680
Well, why don't you chime?
How will I get down?
921
01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,680
Climb out on the other wing.
922
01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:26,640
I can't let go of this lever!
923
01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:31,120
I'm balancing him. Climb out on
the other one and you'll bring him down.
924
01:09:31,199 --> 01:09:33,240
Oh, all right. Hold on.
925
01:09:33,319 --> 01:09:35,160
Hurry up. I'm cold up here.
926
01:09:44,119 --> 01:09:46,080
Go on!
927
01:09:46,159 --> 01:09:49,160
What do you mean, ''go on''?
I know what I'm doing.
928
01:09:49,239 --> 01:09:51,840
- Hurry up.
- I am hurrying up!
929
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:59,560
- I can't hold on much longer.
- I'm coming as fast as I can.
930
01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:01,600
Hurry up.
931
01:10:26,600 --> 01:10:28,960
Can't somebody stop it?
932
01:10:31,039 --> 01:10:33,200
I can't hold on much longer.
933
01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:42,720
Go on, Harbottle. Drop off!
934
01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:46,160
I can't. I shall fall in the water.
935
01:10:46,239 --> 01:10:50,000
Go on! I can't stay up here all day.
I'm not a pigeon.
936
01:10:50,079 --> 01:10:53,200
- Jump!
- How are we gonna get off?!
937
01:11:00,199 --> 01:11:02,160
I'm slipping!
938
01:11:02,239 --> 01:11:04,200
Oh, shut up.
939
01:11:04,279 --> 01:11:06,240
I'm going to be sick!
940
01:11:07,279 --> 01:11:09,240
I'm going. I'm going!
941
01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:27,880
All right, jump!
942
01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:49,280
Ooh...
943
01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:55,520
Innit a good job
I thought of the hay cart?
944
01:11:55,600 --> 01:11:58,840
- You might have taken the fork out.
- 'Ere, look.
945
01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,520
Now let's get away.
946
01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:12,560
Without my train? Not likely!
We'll couple Gladstone to it.
947
01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:21,840
- There's an engine on the other end.
- I'll attend to that.
948
01:12:21,920 --> 01:12:24,360
All right, my front man. We're ready.
949
01:12:24,439 --> 01:12:28,080
Start when I tell you
and drive until I tell you to stop.
950
01:12:28,159 --> 01:12:32,440
- Do you think you'll get away with this?
- I hope so, for your sake!
951
01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:34,640
Get a move on. No funny business.
952
01:12:38,359 --> 01:12:40,720
Go on. Get hold of that shovel.
953
01:12:45,159 --> 01:12:47,120
Right, away.
954
01:12:47,199 --> 01:12:49,160
Start her up.
955
01:12:53,760 --> 01:12:55,720
Let her go.
956
01:13:03,520 --> 01:13:06,480
- We done 'em!
- Keep moving or they'll do us.
957
01:13:06,560 --> 01:13:09,520
- Get up on the carriage roof.
- Do what?
958
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:11,720
Don't argue. Take this with you.
959
01:13:11,800 --> 01:13:14,880
If any of them stick their heads out,
swat 'em.
960
01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:29,240
- What about that stationmaster?
- We'll collect him on the way back.
961
01:13:29,319 --> 01:13:33,040
Hey, what's this?
We're going the wrong way.
962
01:13:47,439 --> 01:13:50,400
100 miles an hour.
Didn't think she could do it.
963
01:13:50,479 --> 01:13:52,440
That's the pressure gauge.
964
01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,440
I know...
I was going by the telegraph pole.
965
01:13:58,640 --> 01:14:01,840
- Don't touch it!
- We're coming to Buggleskelly.
966
01:14:01,920 --> 01:14:06,200
- Ain't we going to stop?
- No, if we keep going, they can't get out.
967
01:14:08,279 --> 01:14:11,360
We're home. Buggleskelly!
968
01:14:18,239 --> 01:14:21,720
- Put 'em in the fire. Save coal.
- They're my undies!
969
01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,760
Well, they're going in anyway.
970
01:14:25,720 --> 01:14:28,720
'Ere, don't spend the coal.
We shall run out.
971
01:14:28,800 --> 01:14:30,760
Oh, shut up.
972
01:14:49,560 --> 01:14:52,520
We're turning to the left.
Put your hand out.
973
01:15:07,399 --> 01:15:09,920
You'll pay for this hat.
974
01:15:13,039 --> 01:15:14,800
And for the shovel.
975
01:15:24,359 --> 01:15:26,440
Pull!
976
01:15:35,560 --> 01:15:37,520
Hey. Hey!
977
01:15:37,600 --> 01:15:41,160
- What's the matter?
- You're letting all the steam out!
978
01:15:41,239 --> 01:15:43,360
Who is?
979
01:15:43,439 --> 01:15:46,600
- It's going off the boil.
- Do something, then!
980
01:15:58,760 --> 01:16:01,640
- Shoot him.
- It's jammed. Give me a rifle.
981
01:16:01,720 --> 01:16:03,680
We haven't any ammunition.
982
01:16:08,520 --> 01:16:10,800
Waargh!
983
01:16:21,920 --> 01:16:25,560
I say. Don't look now
but there's another train coming.
984
01:16:25,640 --> 01:16:27,880
Oh. Eh?!
985
01:16:27,960 --> 01:16:29,920
No, no!
986
01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:41,760
Cor! Dear!
987
01:16:41,840 --> 01:16:44,600
That's the last bit of coal we've got left.
988
01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,120
'Ere, 'ere, you can't burn that!
989
01:16:47,199 --> 01:16:50,560
If don't get any help soon,
you're going in next.
990
01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,000
- That can go for a start.
- How do we get help?
991
01:16:53,079 --> 01:16:57,360
- At sea, they put a message in a bottle.
- We haven't got a bottle.
992
01:16:57,439 --> 01:17:00,080
- Have we?
- Yes, we have! My medicine.
993
01:17:00,159 --> 01:17:02,760
Don't waste time. Chuck it away...
994
01:17:02,840 --> 01:17:06,040
- 'Ere, that's my medicine.
- I'm as ill as you are.
995
01:17:06,119 --> 01:17:10,080
I'll uncouple the train
from the engine. Give us your hat.
996
01:17:10,159 --> 01:17:13,400
You stick it out that side
while I get out at this.
997
01:17:28,119 --> 01:17:30,600
Where's the bottle? Give it to me.
998
01:17:33,800 --> 01:17:35,760
Ooh, a tunnel...
999
01:17:45,039 --> 01:17:49,240
- Give me the bottle. I'll throw it.
- Not now! We're in a tunnel.
1000
01:17:56,279 --> 01:17:59,840
- Worst coal I've tasted.
- It's not coal. It's your pants.
1001
01:18:03,479 --> 01:18:07,040
We're coming to the station.
I'm going to throw it.
1002
01:18:12,039 --> 01:18:14,000
What the...?!
1003
01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:28,080
Calling Belfast. Urgent. Belfast!
1004
01:18:29,720 --> 01:18:31,920
Belfast standing by. Go ahead.
1005
01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:35,920
Stations stand by for altered schedule.
1006
01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:40,440
Stand by for altered schedule...
Stand by for altered schedule...
1007
01:18:41,520 --> 01:18:44,760
- Side track 24 good.
- Side track 24 good. Right!
1008
01:18:45,840 --> 01:18:48,800
- Hold 16 express.
- Hold 16 express? Right!
1009
01:18:50,880 --> 01:18:52,960
I gots her on her way to West Yard.
1010
01:19:10,199 --> 01:19:14,000
All cars to West Yard terminus.
All cars to West Yard terminus.
1011
01:19:14,479 --> 01:19:18,480
All cars to West Yard terminus.
All cars to West Yard terminus.
1012
01:19:33,399 --> 01:19:35,360
We're coming to a dead end.
1013
01:19:35,439 --> 01:19:38,480
Stop grumbling!
We haven't come to a dead end yet!
1014
01:19:38,560 --> 01:19:40,520
Oh, a dead end!
1015
01:19:40,600 --> 01:19:45,000
Well, do something!
Stop the train! Put the brakes on!
1016
01:19:46,359 --> 01:19:47,800
Hold tight!
1017
01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:55,600
- They're all in there.
- Well, Grogan, we've got you at last.
1018
01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:57,640
All right, all right...
1019
01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:02,840
- Congratulations.
- Good bit of work.
1020
01:20:02,920 --> 01:20:06,000
- Splendid show, Porter.
- All in a day's work.
1021
01:20:06,079 --> 01:20:09,640
- You'll get recognition.
- Don't thank me, thank Gladstone.
1022
01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:12,960
- Grand engine. 90 years old.
- And good for another 90.
85038
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