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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:25,240 I want to go to Birmingham and they're taking me on to Crewe 2 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,160 Oh, Mr Porter, what a funny man you are 3 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,040 And as the managing director of this railway, 4 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:25,600 I have pleasure in asking the wife of the Minister of Public Communications 5 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,760 to christen our new engine. 6 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,840 I now christen you the Silver Link. 7 00:01:38,519 --> 00:01:43,040 As Minister of Public Communications, on behalf of my wife and myself, 8 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,520 we wish to place on record the pride... 9 00:01:46,599 --> 00:01:49,440 ..we feel in being selected... 10 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,000 ..to perform this ceremony. 11 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,680 In all the years I've been in office... 12 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:59,200 ..I can recall... 13 00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:03,320 ..no happier occasion... 14 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:09,400 No, no, no. Don't stop him. The work of the railway must go on. 15 00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:11,920 That's all right. I'll listen to you. 16 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,080 - What's our Willie doing here? - Come here, my man. 17 00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:19,560 So you're a wheel tapper, eh? 18 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,760 That reminds me of a story about a wheel tapper. 19 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,080 He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years. 20 00:02:25,159 --> 00:02:29,640 One day, somebody asked him why he tapped a wheel and guess what he said. 21 00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:31,720 He said, ''I'm blowed if I know.'' 22 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:37,800 He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years and didn't know why! 23 00:02:41,599 --> 00:02:44,000 You'll only think me a little stupid 24 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,240 but why do they tap them? 25 00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:49,480 Oh. Well, er... Well, you see, it's like this, madam. 26 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,600 If I tap the wheel with a hammer and hear a clang, 27 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,200 then I know the wheel's there, you see. 28 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,000 Yes, but supposing it doesn't go clang... 29 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,680 Well, then I know the train's gone. 30 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,160 - That's the lot. - Thanks. 31 00:03:14,199 --> 00:03:17,160 - Dark trousers with white pinstripe! - Here. 32 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,560 Ditto. Cleaning number 1-34-9. 33 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,800 Those are mine. 34 00:03:23,879 --> 00:03:26,840 I've never been so humiliated! 35 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:30,560 My own brother, a common wheel tapper! 36 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,920 - But, my dear... - Can't you get Willie a better position? 37 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:39,680 - But we've tried him in everything. - Then I shall insist he resigns. 38 00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:42,760 - You mean leave us altogether? - Certainly. 39 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,800 - He doesn't need to do that. - No, he could do other things. 40 00:03:46,879 --> 00:03:50,800 - Exactly. He can come and live with us. - What? In our house? 41 00:03:50,879 --> 00:03:52,840 Better that than tapping wheels. 42 00:03:52,919 --> 00:03:54,880 - But... - My mind is made up. 43 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,640 He gets a decent job or he lives with us. 44 00:03:57,719 --> 00:04:00,680 - Yes, but... - Undo that thing and don't argue! 45 00:04:00,759 --> 00:04:04,120 Don't be hasty. I'll see the superintendent at once. 46 00:04:04,199 --> 00:04:06,760 That's more like it. I'll go and fetch Willie. 47 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:11,720 I daren't, sir. He should be fired. The board hates incompetence. 48 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:16,160 But if he's fired, my wife's going to have him live with us! 49 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,840 Oh, life wouldn't be worth living. 50 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,880 - You have my sympathy. - Sympathy's no good. I need help. 51 00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:26,000 Have you any special position in mind for him? 52 00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:29,360 No, so long as it has the semblance of promotion. 53 00:04:29,439 --> 00:04:32,280 Would it matter if we sent him very far away? 54 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,960 - The farther, the better. - Let me see. 55 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:38,680 Come on, Willie. There's nothing to be nervous about. 56 00:04:38,759 --> 00:04:40,720 I'm not. I've been here before. 57 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,840 - I hope you've explained the situation. - Well, I was just... 58 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:49,680 It does not conform with our dignity to have a relative tapping wheels. 59 00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:53,520 - We've never had a tapper in our family. - There was Uncle Joe. 60 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,960 You were meant to be sorting parcels. What were you doing on the line? 61 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,320 After checking 200 Stilton cheeses, I needed some fresh air. 62 00:05:01,399 --> 00:05:05,760 - You've never given him a chance. - We've tried him in many capacities. 63 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,800 What positions has he held? 64 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:13,240 In 1934, we made him chief coupler at Miggleswick 65 00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:16,720 - and you know what you did there. - Yes, I coupled. 66 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,560 Yes, a coal train to the Scotch express. 67 00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:24,800 I did nothing of the sort! I did not couple the coal train to the Scotch express. 68 00:05:24,879 --> 00:05:27,160 I coupled the express to the coal train. 69 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,320 Fancy a man of Willie's intellect coupling trains! 70 00:05:30,399 --> 00:05:33,960 On Derby day, 1935, we put you on the indicator board. 71 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,840 - Yes. Quite right. - You sent 12,000 racegoers 72 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,080 to a temperance convention in Wales. 73 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:43,160 - Did you hear about that too? - Yes, from 12,000 racegoers. 74 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,400 - Charles! - Yes, my dear. 75 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,320 Either Willie gets promoted or... 76 00:05:48,399 --> 00:05:50,360 What vacancies are there? 77 00:05:53,439 --> 00:05:57,200 - One for a sleeping-car attendant. - He'd be up too late. 78 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:00,600 - A guard for a milk train. - That'd get me up too early. 79 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,240 - That's all there is. - Come on, Willie. 80 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,280 There must be something. 81 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,160 We've offered him two posts! What does he want? 82 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,200 Just a minute. 83 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:12,240 Have you got any stationmasters? 84 00:06:12,319 --> 00:06:14,280 London terminus, I suppose? 85 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,880 - Oh, no, no. I'll work my way up. - Well, there aren't any vacancies. 86 00:06:18,959 --> 00:06:21,600 See what I'm up against? Victimisation. 87 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,960 - That's the one job I know I can do. - What's this? 88 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:29,000 It's just come in. A place in Ireland called Buggleskelly. 89 00:06:29,079 --> 00:06:35,000 There's a place in Wales called Llanfogwhyllwhylantysiliogogogogola. 90 00:06:35,079 --> 00:06:39,600 They want a stationmaster at Buggleskelly. Excuse me one minute. 91 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:45,400 Mr Leadbetter, I thought we'd filled that stationmaster post at Buggleskelly. 92 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,440 Yes, sir, but it's vacant again. 93 00:06:47,519 --> 00:06:52,680 Don't know, sir. We've sent them five stationmasters in 12 months. 94 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,560 What happened to the last one? 95 00:06:54,639 --> 00:06:57,680 I'll read you his letter. Sounds a bit queer. 96 00:06:57,759 --> 00:07:02,160 ''Sir. Since coming here, I have discovered I am Napoleon Bonaparte. 97 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,440 ''Since you won't transfer me to Waterloo, I resign. 98 00:07:05,519 --> 00:07:09,320 ''PS. Forward all mail to Moscow. I intend to retreat there.'' 99 00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:13,080 Extraordinary. And the one before him, why did he leave? 100 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,920 No idea, sir. But I remember we sent a wreath. 101 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,600 - Sounds the very place. - Can I have it? 102 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,840 - You've got it. - It's rather off the beaten track. 103 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:28,600 - Oh, as long as it's near the railway. - Let me see. 104 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,120 Here's our line, running through Northern Ireland 105 00:07:32,199 --> 00:07:34,120 and here is Buggleskelly... 106 00:08:08,519 --> 00:08:10,480 Would you mind? 107 00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:16,920 Thanks. 108 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,120 What a grand clock you have there, mister. 109 00:08:21,199 --> 00:08:24,440 It was a present from my staff when I left London. 110 00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:26,480 What might the inscription be? 111 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,520 ''To William Porter,'' - that's me - 112 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,560 ''from his colleagues on his promotion to stationmaster at Buggleskelly.'' 113 00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:35,600 What's that he said? 114 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:39,560 This gentleman is the new stationmaster at Buggleskelly. 115 00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:44,000 - Poor man. And him a stranger. - Why? What's wrong with it? 116 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:49,240 You're a brave man. No chick nor child o' mine'll walk abroad there after dark. 117 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,320 - Is it damp or something? - Did you ever hear of one-eyed Joe? 118 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:56,560 - I never follow greyhounds. - Follow? 119 00:08:56,639 --> 00:08:59,680 You'll be a lucky man if Joe never follows you. 120 00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:02,720 He was murdered by the railway, so he was. 121 00:09:02,799 --> 00:09:06,040 In the old days, he was a rich man and a miser too. 122 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:11,240 He owned the mill on Pooker Hill. You should be able to see it from here. 123 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:19,720 One day, the railway came along and ran a tunnel right through the hill 124 00:09:19,799 --> 00:09:22,000 without by-your-leave or nothing. 125 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,640 He should have sued them. 126 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:30,120 He cursed the tunnel. He swore that any train entering it should never come out. 127 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,240 That would mess up the timetables. 128 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:37,240 The first train that came along, there stood one-eyed Joe, his arms upraised. 129 00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,280 ''Hold back,'' he cried. 130 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,000 - But the driver rode straight on. - Over cock-eyed Joe? 131 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:46,680 And the next morning, his body was found on the line. 132 00:09:46,759 --> 00:09:49,240 And every night, when the moon gives light, 133 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,840 The ghost of the miller is seen 134 00:09:50,919 --> 00:09:53,240 As he walks the track with a sack on his back 135 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:55,280 Down to the Black Borheen 136 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,200 And the mill wheels turn though the night is still 137 00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:01,600 And the elf lights flash from the ruined mill 138 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:07,280 He haunts the station, he haunts the hill and the land that lies between! 139 00:10:09,639 --> 00:10:12,080 - Buggleskelly. - Oh. 140 00:10:14,759 --> 00:10:17,320 - Oh. That's your... Pardon. - Thanks. 141 00:10:37,759 --> 00:10:40,000 Hey, it says two miles to Buggleskelly. 142 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,480 - I can't help it. - How do I get there? 143 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,720 Walk. Follow this road around Pooker Hill 144 00:10:45,799 --> 00:10:49,200 past the witch's oak, drop down into Hell's Collar. 145 00:10:49,279 --> 00:10:53,480 - I only asked a civil question. - The station's in front of you. 146 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,280 - Thank you. Good night to you. - Goodbye to you. 147 00:11:01,639 --> 00:11:03,600 Well, you're the funny-looking bird. 148 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:07,080 Why you, you flat-faced pullet! 149 00:13:01,879 --> 00:13:03,840 Next train's gone! 150 00:13:07,919 --> 00:13:11,960 - The next train's gone. - What do you mean? That's nonsense. 151 00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:15,440 - It's like saying the last train hasn't... - What? 152 00:13:15,519 --> 00:13:19,480 - Well, gone... Come out and let me in. - Come out? At night? 153 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,000 - Not me. - Hey, hey, hey. 154 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,160 - There you are. - You here again? 155 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:36,360 I haven't been away yet! You're keeping me out of my own station. 156 00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:44,360 Phew. 157 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,400 Phew. What a station. 158 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,840 - Look at that. - Officious, ain't you? 159 00:13:48,919 --> 00:13:52,160 - No disobedience. Who are you? - I'm Harbottle. 160 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,600 Deputy stationmaster when there isn't a stationmaster which is often. 161 00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:58,640 Well, there's one now, see. 162 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,240 - Where? - Here. I'm a stationmaster. 163 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:06,080 - Where's your presentation clock? - How did you know I'd got one? 164 00:14:06,159 --> 00:14:09,120 They all bring 'em. Bung it with the others. 165 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,160 They look lovely when they're new. 166 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,800 ''William Porter.'' Ah, another William. 167 00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:21,240 - That was William O'Shea. Poor Bill. - Why? What happened to him? 168 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,760 - They put him away. Had to. - Oh. 169 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,320 Mick Maguire. Well, why did he leave? 170 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:30,600 Nobody knows. Went out after dark. Never seen again but we heard him. 171 00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:33,200 - At least Albert did. - Who's Albert? 172 00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:36,040 - He stands in for me. - Which is his clock? 173 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,600 - He hasn't got one. He's still alive. - Give me that! 174 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:43,200 - Why not put it with the others? - They're tombstones! 175 00:14:46,279 --> 00:14:49,560 - What's that? - If it's two howls and a toot, it's Albert. 176 00:14:51,679 --> 00:14:53,640 He's not afraid of the dark. 177 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,680 No, he plays with the pixies. 178 00:14:55,759 --> 00:14:59,400 Oh, does he? Well, all that's going to stop from now on. 179 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,280 Here's your supper, Jeremiah. Mine ready? 180 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,920 - What's he want? - New stationmaster. 181 00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:30,520 - Got a nasty cough, hasn't he? - Never mind my cough. 182 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,760 Show a little more respect to your superiors. And put that back! 183 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:37,800 And take your cap off! 184 00:15:37,879 --> 00:15:39,920 And you! What have you got there? 185 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,560 - My supper beer. Have some? - Certainly not! 186 00:15:42,639 --> 00:15:44,600 This place is far too free and easy. 187 00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:49,440 A stationmaster doesn't hobnob with his staff. You keep your place, I'll keep mine. 188 00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:51,480 What is it? Bitter? 189 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,920 Move over. I want to come out. 190 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,160 You'll have to wait. I've got to empty this cow. 191 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,280 Hey, who does she belong to? 192 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,880 - Who? Her? She's ours. - Oh, yes? 193 00:16:37,159 --> 00:16:39,280 I suppose that's her name, is it? 194 00:16:40,559 --> 00:16:43,880 - Something burning? - Albert's cooking the breakfast. 195 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:47,200 Smells more like somebody cooking Albert. 196 00:16:57,919 --> 00:17:01,800 - I think I'm going to like Buggleskelly. - In the daytime. 197 00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:03,840 You've got a big cheese here. 198 00:17:03,919 --> 00:17:05,880 Yeah, this is where you sit. 199 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,920 Thank you. 200 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,920 - Where did this come from? - Doesn't it say? 201 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,360 No, it just says where it's going to. 202 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:17,520 What's the idea?! This doesn't belong to you. 203 00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:21,120 Well, we haven't had any pay since we came to Ireland. 204 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,400 We can't starve so we borrow things. 205 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,640 Borrow? You mean you steal things from the railway. 206 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,760 It's not stealing. It's living off the country. 207 00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:33,560 Danish. Not particular which country either, are you? 208 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,120 - We paid for that. - What did it cost? 209 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,040 - A ticket to Belfast. - A what?! 210 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:42,080 - It's how we get everything. - Good, innit? 211 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:46,280 So you've been getting goods by giving away company tickets. 212 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:50,080 It's absolutely dishonest! You're in a position of trust. 213 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,880 If the company checked up on you, you'd be in a fine mess. 214 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,400 - That's right. - It isn't right. 215 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,440 - In future make sure tickets come back. - How? 216 00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:01,480 Give them return tickets. 217 00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:04,520 Mmm. Nice piece of bacon, this. Danish too? 218 00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:07,000 - No, home-grown. - Have some sauce. 219 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:12,120 - Go on. Somebody in the shop. - It's his turn. 220 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:16,000 Don't keep customers waiting! 221 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,120 - Murphy wants his pigs. - Well, give them to him. 222 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,160 - Can't. Not now. - Not now? He can have them anytime. 223 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,840 - Well, not all of them. - Not all of them? Well, why not? 224 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,880 - Where did you get this bacon? - That's right. 225 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,160 That's a nice state of affairs! 226 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:42,200 You not only steal company goods but you pinch from customers. 227 00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:45,440 - Who'll tell him? - You're the stationmaster. 228 00:18:45,519 --> 00:18:50,040 That's not my duty. A man comes back for his pigs and what does he find? 229 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:53,080 - Finds you've eaten them. - How was I to know?! 230 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,480 - Somebody better tell him. - Well, I'll tell him. 231 00:18:56,559 --> 00:18:58,520 I shall report this to the company. 232 00:18:58,599 --> 00:19:03,760 Disgraceful. Sitting there like a pair of pigs eating... You're cannibals! 233 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,920 - Er, good morning. - There you are. 234 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,520 - How can I help you, Mr... - Murphy and I wants me pigs. 235 00:19:18,599 --> 00:19:22,480 Have you got your voucher? Are you sure you left them here? 236 00:19:22,559 --> 00:19:24,520 Of course I am! Let's have 'em. 237 00:19:24,599 --> 00:19:28,320 They've been here a while. You should have come sooner. 238 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,920 It's been cold and pigs are only human. 239 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,160 - My wife had quins. - Like that woman in Canada? 240 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,480 Have you got two pigs o' mine or not? 241 00:19:37,559 --> 00:19:39,520 Well, as a matter of fact, I... 242 00:19:39,599 --> 00:19:41,560 I won't keep you a moment. 243 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,640 - What, here? Alive? - Yes. 244 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,120 Where are they? I thought you said we'd eaten them. 245 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,840 Would you come and identify your property, Mr Murphy? 246 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,200 There you are. 247 00:20:02,839 --> 00:20:05,440 It says two here. Whose is the other one? 248 00:20:05,519 --> 00:20:07,960 - Him. There were six. - Ah, yeah... 249 00:20:09,039 --> 00:20:13,480 Let me congratulate you. Your pigs have had a visit from the stock. 250 00:20:13,559 --> 00:20:17,520 Seems they've had one from the butcher too. Where's the rest? 251 00:20:17,599 --> 00:20:20,040 - The litter? - Oh, we'll clear it up. 252 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,960 - I mean the little pigs. - Oh, this? 253 00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:25,560 But you don't call one a litter, do you? 254 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:30,440 - Patsy-Jane farrows at least seven. - She can't keep it up all the time. 255 00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:33,840 - I wants my property. - Take it. Two pigs, it says. 256 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,440 - And my litter. 'Tis the law of nature. - But not of the railway. 257 00:20:37,519 --> 00:20:39,960 What doesn't go in, can't come out... 258 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:43,920 What you don't put in, you can't take out. See for yourself. 259 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,560 ''The company is liable... in the aggregate... 260 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,600 ''negligence...more than... if it's left on the premises.'' 261 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,840 You see. You left two pigs. Plain as a pigstaff. 262 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,560 - I'll sue the company. - I'm sorry but rules are rules. 263 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,280 I'm acting within the litter... the letter of the law. 264 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:04,320 I'll settle with you! 265 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,720 - Well, you can settle this bill. - Bill? What for? 266 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:10,760 - For the keep of two pigs, 15 shillings. - What?! 267 00:21:10,839 --> 00:21:13,640 But I'll take the small pig in settlement. 268 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,920 So you not only steal me pigs, you charge me 15 shillings for it! 269 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,960 You can't break company rules. 270 00:21:20,039 --> 00:21:23,520 I will break something belonging to the company... 271 00:21:23,599 --> 00:21:25,560 Hello? 272 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,600 - Has he gone? - No. 273 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,640 This is the station. What can I do for you? 274 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,080 What's that? A fire? Where? 275 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,120 - At the farm? - Whose farm? 276 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,920 - Good gracious. - What are you on about? 277 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960 What? The haystack's gone? And the barns? 278 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:44,800 - Whose barns? - Oh, dear. And the house?! 279 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,840 - Whose house? - Yours! 280 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,240 How's Mrs Murphy and the quins? 281 00:21:50,319 --> 00:21:52,280 Here, what was all that about? 282 00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:56,320 Never you mind. You send those pigs back to Murphy's farm. 283 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,160 If you see a stork, throw something at it. 284 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,720 - What's that? - Oh, the express. 285 00:22:04,799 --> 00:22:08,000 - A train?! When? - 10 minutes but it won't stop. 286 00:22:08,079 --> 00:22:11,040 - It will! - It only stops at important stations. 287 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:15,600 In future, this will be an important station. It's going to stop today. 288 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:35,720 Well, I... Don't just sit there. There's a train coming! 289 00:22:35,799 --> 00:22:37,760 Tidy up the place a bit! Go on. 290 00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:41,400 - Get those things off the line. - It ain't a thing. It's a melon. 291 00:22:45,039 --> 00:22:47,640 - Take the washing down. - It's not dry. 292 00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,800 We're a station, not a laundry! 293 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,480 You'll cop it for stopping a train for no reason. 294 00:23:05,559 --> 00:23:09,120 I'm stationmaster! If I want a train to stop, it stops! 295 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,520 The gate! Where's the wheel that opens that gate? 296 00:23:21,839 --> 00:23:23,800 - Is the gate opening? - No. 297 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:29,320 - Opening now? - No. 298 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,360 - I've turned this wheel four times. - That wheel don't work. 299 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,400 - You mean I've broken my back... - You have to open it by hand. 300 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,440 Well, why didn't you say so? 301 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:44,000 Albert, come and undo this padlock. 302 00:23:44,079 --> 00:23:46,520 - We lost the key. - How do you open it? 303 00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:48,960 - You lift it off the hinges. - Oh... 304 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,960 You go and open the other one. 305 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,480 Oh, the signal. 306 00:24:13,039 --> 00:24:15,800 'Ere! 'Ere, 'ere! Easy with my tomatoes. 307 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,520 What do you think this is? Kew Gardens? 308 00:24:18,599 --> 00:24:22,840 - I brought these up by hand. - Well, they're coming down by foot. 309 00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:28,240 - Put that back! - Leave me alone! 310 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:41,080 - What do you make o' that at all? - It's a distress signal. 311 00:24:46,759 --> 00:24:48,880 Whoa, laddie. 312 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,000 What are you stopping my train for? 313 00:25:10,079 --> 00:25:13,080 - I'm the new stationmaster. - What about it? 314 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,160 - I thought we'd make acquaintance. - What?! 315 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:21,320 I don't want my train held up every time some dirty little halt changes staff. 316 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,240 - Don't say that about my station! - Station? It's a dump. 317 00:25:25,319 --> 00:25:29,200 - No decent train'd stop here. - They're going to! 318 00:25:29,279 --> 00:25:32,040 Dirty indeed! It's as clean as your train. 319 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:36,440 - Take your hands off my train! - Take your feet off my platform. 320 00:25:36,519 --> 00:25:38,480 - Can't you move up a bit? - No. 321 00:25:38,559 --> 00:25:41,520 - Can't you move up a couple of yards? - Go away. 322 00:25:41,599 --> 00:25:44,720 - A couple of inches, then? - What's the trouble? 323 00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:46,760 Look at my pants! 324 00:25:49,079 --> 00:25:51,320 They're as dirty as when he took 'em off. 325 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,640 - Right away. - Wait! 326 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,960 You can't tell him that. I'm the stationmaster! 327 00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:06,320 - All aboard for Ballyhooley, Ballykelly... - Go on. 328 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:12,280 Stay there. When I'm ready. All aboard for Ballybuggle...and other bally places. 329 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:16,560 - You don't know where it goes. - I wash my hands of it after here. 330 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,600 All right, push off. 331 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:20,640 He goes when I say. Go ahead. 332 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:26,200 - I don't want any impertinence from you. - You big floppy misfit. Get a proper hat. 333 00:26:26,279 --> 00:26:28,240 What does he mean, a proper hat? 334 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,400 Your station smells like a dustbin. It isn't even on the map. 335 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,440 - You guard, you! - Black thief! 336 00:26:36,519 --> 00:26:41,400 Four-eyes! And you mind you stop here next time or there'll be trouble! 337 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,680 Huh! 338 00:26:45,759 --> 00:26:47,720 Not on the map indeed. 339 00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:49,760 Sauce! 340 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:55,480 Oh, well. Maybe it could do with a coat of paint. 341 00:26:55,559 --> 00:26:57,520 Hey! You knocked those up? 342 00:26:57,599 --> 00:27:01,240 - No, they got out at the wrong station. - Oh, all right. 343 00:27:01,319 --> 00:27:03,880 Well, don't stand there! Shell some peas. 344 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:29,760 Post! Another for the stationmaster. What are you doing to the station? 345 00:27:29,839 --> 00:27:32,560 Putting it on the map. Guv'nor's idea. 346 00:27:37,039 --> 00:27:39,560 - Harbottle? - Eh? 347 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,120 That's wrong. There are two Ls in Kelly. 348 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:45,160 - Can't have that. 13 letters. Unlucky. - Oh. 349 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,200 Well, take one of the Ks out. Nobody'll notice. 350 00:27:55,559 --> 00:27:57,520 You're wasting your time. 351 00:27:57,599 --> 00:28:00,560 - What's that? - You're wasting your time. 352 00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:04,680 - What are you doing there? - Watching you wasting your time. 353 00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:08,720 - You waste yours and I'll waste mine. - What are you burying? 354 00:28:08,799 --> 00:28:11,680 I'm burying nothing. I'm planting lobelia. 355 00:28:11,759 --> 00:28:14,040 - You're wasting your time. - Why? 356 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:16,400 You won't be here when they come up. 357 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:22,240 - Won't he go away? Is he a relation? - No, but we go out with the same girl. 358 00:28:22,319 --> 00:28:24,280 Well, let's ignore him. 359 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:31,880 You go and wait by the office in case my Belfast call comes through. 360 00:28:33,599 --> 00:28:35,920 You're wasting your time! 361 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,760 All right, I'll buy it. What is it? 362 00:28:38,839 --> 00:28:42,920 - There was no wind last night. - What's that got to do with me? 363 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:48,560 Yet the sails of the windmill went round and round and round. 364 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:50,600 Good day to you! 365 00:29:00,319 --> 00:29:03,320 - What are you doing? - Taking a bit of chocolate. 366 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:08,160 - What do you think the slot's for? - To blow down if the kick don't work. 367 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,640 I'll tell you something. Telephone's ringing. 368 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,240 Get out of it! 369 00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:21,440 - Hello? - Belfast here. You called. Who is that? 370 00:29:21,519 --> 00:29:23,960 - This is Buggleskelly. - What's that? 371 00:29:24,039 --> 00:29:26,000 Buggleskelly. 372 00:29:26,079 --> 00:29:28,760 B for Basket. Eh? What? Who did? 373 00:29:28,839 --> 00:29:32,200 I did not! Buggleskelly is the name of my station. 374 00:29:32,279 --> 00:29:35,000 Oh, it's you again. What is it this time? 375 00:29:35,079 --> 00:29:37,840 All right, I'll put you through to Mr Brock. 376 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:39,960 Mr Brock. 377 00:29:40,039 --> 00:29:41,840 Yes? 378 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,880 Porter? Where? 379 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:48,640 I'm not a railway porter. I'm Porter the stationmaster. No, not both. 380 00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,360 I'm Stationmaster Porter at Buggles... On your railway. 381 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:56,240 What now? You've had 200 posters and 50 gallons of paint. 382 00:29:56,319 --> 00:29:58,280 What have you got there? A circus? 383 00:29:58,359 --> 00:30:01,480 Oh, you want to run an excursion. Where to? 384 00:30:01,559 --> 00:30:04,560 There must be a lot of nice places in Ireland. 385 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,640 There's Kilkenny, where the cats come from. 386 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,240 And Connemara, with all the bogs. 387 00:30:10,319 --> 00:30:12,600 There's Limerick, home of poetry. 388 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,800 Limerick... There was a young lady of Gloucester... 389 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:19,360 - How many tickets could you sell? - What shall I say? 390 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:23,040 - Whose sweetheart double-crossed her. - Whose... What? 391 00:30:23,119 --> 00:30:25,280 The young lady from Gloucester. 392 00:30:25,359 --> 00:30:28,760 I'll kick that one tooth of yours out, you old fool. 393 00:30:28,839 --> 00:30:32,240 No, not you. How many people would go to Connemara? 394 00:30:32,319 --> 00:30:35,120 - The party from the church. - The church party. 395 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,560 - The girl at the post office. - The post office staff. 396 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,400 - And my bird. - And his bird. Get out of it! 397 00:30:43,799 --> 00:30:45,920 I can't give you the exact number 398 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:49,080 but in rough figures, I should say quite a lot. 399 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:52,440 Oh, I should think two carriages would be enough. 400 00:30:52,519 --> 00:30:57,280 Oh, there's one other little thing we shall want. An engine. Thank you. 401 00:30:58,799 --> 00:31:01,960 - What rolling stock have we got? - Coal trucks. 402 00:31:02,039 --> 00:31:04,320 Not coal trucks. I mean carriages! 403 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:09,160 - We ain't got any carriages. - Oh, go and play with your Plasticine. 404 00:31:09,359 --> 00:31:12,320 There's an old carriage but I doubt it'll roll. 405 00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:16,280 Everything here is either too old or it won't work! And you're both. 406 00:31:16,359 --> 00:31:18,520 Roll, the pair of you. 407 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,600 - Here y'are. - Yes... 408 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:36,240 - We get it out from among those trucks. - That's right. 409 00:31:36,319 --> 00:31:39,360 - What is? - We get it out from among those trucks. 410 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:41,400 - I just said that. - I know. 411 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,920 Well, get your coats off and get to it! 412 00:31:52,559 --> 00:31:54,720 - We shall need Gladstone. - What? 413 00:31:54,799 --> 00:31:57,760 - You don't know who Gladstone is. - The man with the bags? 414 00:31:57,839 --> 00:32:01,520 - Gladstone's our engine. - Why didn't you say you had an engine?! 415 00:32:01,599 --> 00:32:03,960 Show me. Albert, oil those wheels. 416 00:32:04,039 --> 00:32:07,520 - Haven't got an oil can. - Get one out of the cruet. 417 00:32:11,319 --> 00:32:15,160 There she is. Isn't she a beauty? 418 00:32:18,759 --> 00:32:22,960 - What is it? The Rocket? - That's Gladstone. Lovely lines, eh? 419 00:32:25,839 --> 00:32:28,560 - Does it go? - How do you think it got here? 420 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,920 Well, maybe that stork brought it. 421 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,880 Wait a minute. Let me go first. She knows me. 422 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,640 - Why the decorations? - Relief of Mafeking. 423 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,680 Blimey. You just heard of it? 424 00:32:43,759 --> 00:32:46,920 - Where's the self-starter? - She has to be on the boil. 425 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,240 Well, come on, do something about it. 426 00:32:50,559 --> 00:32:53,280 - Oh, good morning. - Got a match? 427 00:32:53,359 --> 00:32:56,520 There you are. 428 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,480 - I'll start her. - The hand must point to 80 first. 429 00:33:04,559 --> 00:33:06,520 - How do you get it to 80? - Stoke her. 430 00:33:06,599 --> 00:33:09,040 - Where's the coal? - In the scuttle. 431 00:33:09,119 --> 00:33:12,840 - Not enough to boil an egg. - There's wood in the tender. 432 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:16,480 You can't destroy these! They're company property. 433 00:33:16,559 --> 00:33:20,040 Destination boards. Belfast, Tipperary, Dublin... 434 00:33:20,119 --> 00:33:22,880 - Cheltenham? You can burn that one. - Oi! 435 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:26,920 I've oiled it, but I don't see how you'll get the carriage out. 436 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:31,480 - We're going to shunt it out. - Those trucks shouldn't even be there. 437 00:33:31,559 --> 00:33:34,720 I know that, they've got to be shifted. Come on. 438 00:33:38,039 --> 00:33:41,040 Now, look here. There's the carriage there. 439 00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:43,480 Turn out your pockets, Albert. 440 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,880 Now, that'll be the line of trucks there. 441 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:49,920 And this is the siding, innit? 442 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:54,040 That's the station. You're on the wrong side! Get over here. 443 00:33:55,279 --> 00:33:57,640 Now, then. Let's see. Where were we? 444 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:04,520 There's Gladstone. These are the trucks. How do we get the carriage out? 445 00:34:04,599 --> 00:34:07,640 - If we had a crane, we could lift it. - A crane?! 446 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:11,400 With dynamite, we could blow it out! You shut up too. 447 00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:16,440 - Now, I'm Gladstone. - No, I'm Gladstone. 448 00:34:16,519 --> 00:34:18,800 We can't have two Gladstones. 449 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,840 Then I'm not going to play. 450 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:23,440 That's the... 451 00:34:23,519 --> 00:34:27,040 You've got me all mixed up now. Show us, clever clogs. 452 00:34:27,119 --> 00:34:30,680 - I say Gladstone's here. - How can Gladstone be there?! 453 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,960 Whoa! 454 00:34:42,119 --> 00:34:44,080 - Stopped. - Has it? 455 00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:46,360 We've got to stop Gladstone too! 456 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,960 Come on, don't let it get away from you! 457 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:53,920 Hurry up! 458 00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:58,360 Don't let it get away! 459 00:35:00,039 --> 00:35:02,000 Go on! Hurry up! 460 00:35:06,599 --> 00:35:09,520 Go on, stop her! Harbottle, run on the sleepers! 461 00:35:09,599 --> 00:35:14,480 Albert, get ahead of it and head it off. Go on! Don't let it...! 462 00:35:21,159 --> 00:35:23,120 Good morning, gentlemen. 463 00:35:23,199 --> 00:35:27,080 Just a staff drill in case one of our engines ever got away. 464 00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:30,120 - You'll be the new stationmaster. - I am... 465 00:35:30,199 --> 00:35:33,680 We represent local tradesmen and we want some trains! 466 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:37,320 Oh, trains? Oh, yes, we've got plenty of them here. 467 00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:41,840 - But the devil if one of them stops. - What? You mean ''didn't stop''. 468 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,880 Why, we had a train stop here on... Tuesday. 469 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:49,040 - Where do you want to go? - To the places listed on them tickets! 470 00:35:49,119 --> 00:35:51,080 - All of them? - No less. 471 00:35:51,159 --> 00:35:56,320 We've supplied goods to them tickets' value. Give us trains or our goods back. 472 00:35:56,400 --> 00:36:00,040 That's nonsense. We don't demand our journeys back. 473 00:36:00,119 --> 00:36:03,760 - Hold on there. - We'll ask your head office. Good day. 474 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,880 Oh, gentlemen, wait a minute. 475 00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:07,920 I didn't say I wouldn't do it. 476 00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:12,320 In fact, I'm making up a special now. I'm just waiting for the OK. 477 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,360 Oh, excuse me, my engine. 478 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,400 - Could you come back tonight? - What?! At night? 479 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,440 We will not! 480 00:36:20,519 --> 00:36:22,840 I'm busy now. Where could I see you? 481 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,880 - You know Barney's Bar? - I know Barney's bull. Oh, yes, the local. 482 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:32,280 I'll see you there. But just now, I've got some shunting to do, so I'll shunt off. 483 00:36:39,039 --> 00:36:43,000 There's the signal. Hold tight. 484 00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:08,200 Funny. How did that happen? 485 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:11,720 - Do you know where those trucks went? - Yes, down there. 486 00:37:17,159 --> 00:37:21,520 - We've got the carriage anyway. - But you better get it off the mainline. 487 00:37:21,599 --> 00:37:23,840 The express'll be here any minute. 488 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:27,200 Well, what are you waiting for? Go on! 489 00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,400 Why won't it start? Do something! Pull some levers! 490 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:44,840 You've gone and let all the steam out. 491 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,520 We can make some more when we want it. 492 00:37:47,599 --> 00:37:52,120 Yes, but we want it now. The carriage is still on the mainline. 493 00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:57,040 Well, don't stand dithering there. Get out and push. 494 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:05,040 'Ere, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm coming. 495 00:38:05,119 --> 00:38:09,640 'Ere, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What day is it? 496 00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:13,680 - It's our last if we don't get this shifted. - It's the 19th. 497 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,360 ''On April 19th, summertime will start. Adjust your clocks.'' 498 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,400 See, we got lots of time. 499 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:24,000 Correct... That's addressed to me. Why are you opening my letters? 500 00:38:24,079 --> 00:38:28,800 - To tell you who it's from. - In future, you leave my letters alone! 501 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:33,480 ''To adjust the service, the 11 o'clock express will run at 12 o'clock.'' 502 00:38:33,559 --> 00:38:36,960 - What's the hurry? We've got two hours. - How come? 503 00:38:37,039 --> 00:38:40,680 The clocks go back an hour and the train's an hour late. 504 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:45,680 No, the clocks go forward and the train back. The express is due any minute. 505 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:49,320 - How can it be if it's an hour late? - It's summertime. 506 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:53,360 He's potty. Summer or winter, if a train's late, it's late. 507 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,920 - But the clocks go forward. - Then the train's gone! 508 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:01,440 - No, no, the clocks go back. - You take an hour off the end of the day. 509 00:39:01,519 --> 00:39:04,600 - No, off the beginning. - That's wintertime! 510 00:39:04,679 --> 00:39:07,320 - Wintertime you put 'em back. - I said that! 511 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:12,680 You said you put it back in summer. If the clocks go forward, the train's early. 512 00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,680 You put the clocks back not forward and you put the train back. 513 00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,360 - I see. You put everything back. - Yes. 514 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,920 - Sorry. You're right. - The train's two hours away. 515 00:39:36,559 --> 00:39:40,400 That's your fault. I said we should have put the clocks forward. 516 00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:01,280 - What are you doing? - A trick. Fill 'em up and I'll show you. 517 00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,320 I bet you would. 518 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:07,840 - Sold any tickets for the excursions? - No. 519 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,400 - Well, sell some. - Nobody wants to go to Connemara. 520 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:16,680 - You've not sold them in the right way. - All right, you have a go. Double one. 521 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,120 - It's been a nice day. - It has that. 522 00:40:29,199 --> 00:40:32,680 Connemara would be nice today. You know Connemara? 523 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,720 - Indeed I do. I have an uncle there. - Have you? Have a drink. 524 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,920 Thanks. I'll have a pint of porter. 525 00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,840 - Grand old place, Connemara. - It is that. 526 00:40:41,920 --> 00:40:44,760 - Salmon in the river. - Grouse on the moor. 527 00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:47,800 - Deer in the hills. - Mischief in the town. 528 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:49,840 Oh, your health. 529 00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:52,040 So you've an uncle in Connemara? 530 00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:55,080 I'm running an excursion there tomorrow. 531 00:40:55,159 --> 00:40:59,120 - How about a surprise visit? - That wouldn't surprise him. 532 00:40:59,199 --> 00:41:01,520 - Why not? - He's in the cemetery. 533 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,960 You're wasting your time! 534 00:41:09,039 --> 00:41:13,200 You frozen-faced old... Oh, good evening, gentlemen. 535 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,240 - Now, what about it? - Eh? Oh, yes, yes. 536 00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:20,040 Regarding the matter of your tickets, I have a solution. 537 00:41:20,119 --> 00:41:23,080 Forget solutions. Have you got our trains?! 538 00:41:23,159 --> 00:41:26,480 In a way. Perhaps not trains, but I've got a train. 539 00:41:26,559 --> 00:41:28,520 I've arranged an excursion for you. 540 00:41:28,599 --> 00:41:31,920 I'll give you new tickets in exchange for your old. 541 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:36,360 An excursion? Will it be after visiting all the places on our list? 542 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,400 I couldn't guarantee that. The excursion is to Connemara. 543 00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:42,440 Connemara? Where's that? 544 00:41:42,519 --> 00:41:44,480 What? Connemara? Well, it's... 545 00:41:44,559 --> 00:41:48,520 You er, go down the line and take the first tunnel on the left. 546 00:41:48,599 --> 00:41:52,280 - And my ticket to Tipperary? - It's a long way to Tipperary. 547 00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:57,320 - The reason we're going to Connemara... - It's Ballybunion I want to be at! 548 00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,680 Perhaps later. Now, Connemara... 549 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:04,040 If you ask for turnips in my shop, I don't try to give you carrots. 550 00:42:04,119 --> 00:42:07,440 I'm asking for Tipperary. That's where I want to go. 551 00:42:07,519 --> 00:42:10,040 Don't get excited, don't get excited! 552 00:42:10,119 --> 00:42:14,480 If you really want Tipperary, perhaps I can alter the excursion. 553 00:42:14,559 --> 00:42:17,400 - That sounds reasonable. - Reasonable?! 554 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:21,920 - My ticket's for Ballybunion! - Just trying to please. Tell him. 555 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:23,960 The gentleman said Tipperary. 556 00:42:24,039 --> 00:42:28,400 To blazes with Tipperary and Ballybunion! What about my Cork?! 557 00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:32,440 We're going to Ballybunion, the finest place in Ireland. 558 00:42:32,519 --> 00:42:34,480 Are you going to stand for that? 559 00:42:34,559 --> 00:42:38,520 It's the finest place in the world, and that down your throat! 560 00:42:38,599 --> 00:42:42,840 - What do you say to that? - As if Connemara weren't bad enough! 561 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:46,400 What's that you said about my home town, Connemara? 562 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:50,080 - You keep out of this. - He can't talk to you like that! 563 00:42:50,159 --> 00:42:53,120 And neither can you! 564 00:42:53,199 --> 00:42:55,320 Look what he's done to your beer. 565 00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,640 - Would you step this way? - I'd be delighted. 566 00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:02,920 - Go on, tread on the tail o' me coat. - All right, knock that off. 567 00:43:12,159 --> 00:43:14,120 Double ones again. 568 00:43:16,239 --> 00:43:18,200 And I come from Dublin. 569 00:43:50,559 --> 00:43:53,120 So you'll sort me out, will you? 570 00:44:10,639 --> 00:44:12,600 Sit down. 571 00:44:12,679 --> 00:44:14,960 - I'm sorry, I can't... - Sit down! 572 00:44:15,039 --> 00:44:18,360 I was about to send for you, Mr Porter. Take a drink. 573 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:21,880 - As a matter of fact, I... - Take a drink! 574 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:25,000 Here's long life to you, Mr Stationmaster. 575 00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,800 Same to you, Mr... I didn't catch your name. 576 00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:30,520 - Call me Joe. - Joe, yes. 577 00:44:31,599 --> 00:44:33,960 What's this train you've got tomorrow? 578 00:44:34,039 --> 00:44:37,440 It's a little idea I had. Special excursion to... 579 00:44:37,519 --> 00:44:41,480 - Going east or west? - Both. East going, west coming back. 580 00:44:41,559 --> 00:44:45,520 - It's going to Connemara. - Pe_ect. How many tickets have gone? 581 00:44:45,599 --> 00:44:47,560 Oh, let me see now... 582 00:44:47,639 --> 00:44:50,080 - Have you sold any? - No. 583 00:44:50,159 --> 00:44:53,400 - Right, I'll take the lot. - What? The whole 200? 584 00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:57,680 - You must have a large family. - Oh, no, it's for a football team. 585 00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:01,320 The Buggleskelly Wednesday. We're playing a match. 586 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:03,360 What, on a Tuesday? How funny. 587 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,400 - What about the money? - What?! 588 00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:08,440 - Just a formality. - I'll pay when I come back. 589 00:45:08,519 --> 00:45:12,360 - Win or lose? - Yes, and I want that train at 6am. 590 00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,040 Impossible. My trip's not running till 10. 591 00:45:15,119 --> 00:45:17,080 That's too bad. The deal's off. 592 00:45:17,159 --> 00:45:20,640 Don't say that. I'll see that it runs early for you. 593 00:45:20,719 --> 00:45:24,040 - And er, how about the doings? - That'll be all. 594 00:45:24,119 --> 00:45:26,960 Don't forget. Six o'clock in the morning! 595 00:45:27,039 --> 00:45:29,000 Six o'clock? Yes. 596 00:45:29,079 --> 00:45:33,320 Er, good night. Good luck to the Tuesday, er, the Wednesday. 597 00:46:07,679 --> 00:46:11,160 - Come on, what's all this? - He's drunk and he's out! 598 00:46:11,239 --> 00:46:14,200 What are they doing with my station trolley? 599 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,240 That's how he gets home. Albert pushes him. 600 00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:21,120 - Who's going to push him tonight? - It looks like you are! 601 00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:25,920 Pardon. 602 00:46:39,119 --> 00:46:41,720 Hey, Harbottle. Albert, get up, get up! 603 00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:45,160 - Help me get this train away. - Hey! 604 00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:48,480 Is it right that you're starting the train now? 605 00:46:48,559 --> 00:46:51,400 Of course. The passengers are due any minute. 606 00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:54,440 Get a move on. Get in your cab. 607 00:46:55,519 --> 00:46:58,480 Oh, good morning, gentlemen. Tickets, please. 608 00:46:58,559 --> 00:47:01,600 Morning. Tickets, please. Good morning. 609 00:47:01,679 --> 00:47:04,240 Good morning, sir. Tickets, please. Morning. 610 00:47:04,320 --> 00:47:06,760 Ah. Good morning, sir. Tickets, please. 611 00:47:06,840 --> 00:47:10,080 All aboard for fast, nonstop special express, 612 00:47:10,159 --> 00:47:12,840 dining car, saloon train to Connemara! 613 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:14,880 All aboard! Tickets, please. 614 00:47:14,960 --> 00:47:19,480 Oh, I've got them. You can't take luggage like that on an excursion. 615 00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:22,920 - Those are the goalposts. - That's all right, then. 616 00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:24,960 I say, what's in that? 617 00:47:25,039 --> 00:47:28,040 - Those are lemons for half-time. - Oh, I see. 618 00:47:28,119 --> 00:47:30,960 - Here, don't put that on the rack. - Ready? 619 00:47:31,039 --> 00:47:33,000 - Sure. - Let her go. 620 00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,360 Hey, you, come here. 621 00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:47,520 Why are we waiting? Have you got to do all that? 622 00:47:47,599 --> 00:47:53,400 Oh, yes. Very important. Still, if you're in a hurry, you could clip them on the way. 623 00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:00,680 Take care of yourselves! 624 00:48:17,639 --> 00:48:21,920 Hello, Bracken. This is Buggleskelly, reporting excursion away. 625 00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:25,280 There's nothing under my schedule for four hours. 626 00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:29,920 I don't care about your schedule. Expect my excursion any minute. 627 00:48:32,599 --> 00:48:36,240 Hey, hey, come on! Get up! Get out of it! Come on! 628 00:48:36,320 --> 00:48:38,680 Get up! Fancy lying in bed at this time. 629 00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:42,720 Get up. What do you think it is? A rest-home? 630 00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,800 - What's the idea? - I'll show you what the idea is. 631 00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:51,120 I'm not running this station by myself. See this clock? Sleeping to this hour! 632 00:48:51,199 --> 00:48:53,160 Come on, get up. Come on. 633 00:48:55,239 --> 00:48:59,360 - Our day don't start till eight. - It starts when mine starts. 634 00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:02,880 Your hours must conform to the prescri...the... 635 00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:05,120 You get up when I tell you! Go on. 636 00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:19,040 Whoo! Yoo! Whoo! 637 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:22,840 Here, what are you doing?! 638 00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:26,800 I'm doing everything! I had to get that train off by myself. 639 00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:28,920 - What train? - Yeah, what train? 640 00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:32,480 - The one that's just gone. - Last train was Tuesday. 641 00:49:32,559 --> 00:49:35,680 - You'll say I'm talking rubbish next. - I'm saying it now. 642 00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:37,720 I never heard no train go out. 643 00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:41,240 You were in no state to hear anything. 644 00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,280 I'll attend to that. 645 00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:46,320 Hello? Stationmaster, Buggleskelly, here. 646 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:50,000 What's this train that's left your place? It has not! 647 00:49:50,079 --> 00:49:54,120 It left here at six o'clock. I looked at our clocks. 648 00:49:54,199 --> 00:49:58,160 You sure you haven't seen it? Oh, well, maybe it's had a puncture. 649 00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:02,520 What do you mean, am I sure it left? Of course. Don't talk to me like that! 650 00:50:04,119 --> 00:50:06,480 You let me tell you... Hello? Hello? 651 00:50:06,559 --> 00:50:08,520 Oh. 652 00:50:08,599 --> 00:50:10,600 Hmm... 653 00:50:11,679 --> 00:50:15,640 - Bracken Junction hasn't seen the train. - There never was one. 654 00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:17,680 I know a train when I see one! 655 00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:22,760 - Even after a night at Barney's Bar? - I suppose there were passengers too. 656 00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:26,280 Of course. The Buggleskelly Wednesday football team. 657 00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:30,080 Our only team is the Swifts and they won't go without me. 658 00:50:30,159 --> 00:50:33,160 - I'm their centre forward. - Do me a favour. 659 00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,200 Before the express comes, nod off on the rails. 660 00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:39,840 - If it's one of your trains, it won't hurt. - Listen! 661 00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:44,600 I clipped all the tickets and the clippings'll be on the platform now. 662 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:49,600 Hello? 663 00:50:49,679 --> 00:50:54,880 Look, I've held the down express for four minutes. Has your train come back? 664 00:50:56,599 --> 00:50:59,560 He's held up the express. What do I tell him? 665 00:50:59,639 --> 00:51:01,600 Tell him to let it through. 666 00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,440 You tell him. 667 00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:14,120 Hello. Let the express through. The excursion doesn't leave till ten. 668 00:51:14,199 --> 00:51:18,160 - Oh, the old man? He had a thick night. - Yes! 669 00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:20,200 OK. Suits us. 670 00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,240 Says he's going to report him. 671 00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:25,480 - Poor old guv'nor. - He's going like the others. 672 00:51:25,559 --> 00:51:28,000 There'll be another clock here soon. 673 00:51:28,079 --> 00:51:30,720 'Ere, we better humour him. 674 00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:32,920 The clippings are not there now. 675 00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:37,280 - Of course they're not. - Well, they were. Must have blown away. 676 00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,880 - Of course they must. - I'm not barmy! 677 00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:41,920 Of course you're not! 678 00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:45,880 I saw that train off at six. Don't say, ''Of course you did.'' 679 00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:47,920 - Where is it now? - Bracken. 680 00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,960 - We'll soon know. - Why? 681 00:51:50,039 --> 00:51:51,840 Go on, tell him. 682 00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:54,400 - If you had a drain... - And a rabbit went down it. 683 00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:56,920 - But you weren't sure. - What would you do? 684 00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:00,920 - Get a plumber. What about the train? - You bung a ferret in. 685 00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:05,040 - What? In my train? - If it comes out with blood on its nose... 686 00:52:05,119 --> 00:52:08,480 Somebody's punched it and that'll happen to you. 687 00:52:08,559 --> 00:52:13,080 - If it comes out with no blood on it... - Then the rabbit isn't there. 688 00:52:13,159 --> 00:52:16,400 What are you talking about? What rabbit is this? 689 00:52:16,480 --> 00:52:18,760 - An allegorical rabbit. - A what? 690 00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:22,720 - What's it got to do with my train? - Your train's a rabbit. 691 00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:25,160 - What's the ferret? - The express. 692 00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:29,040 - He let it through. - What? You let the express through?! 693 00:52:29,119 --> 00:52:32,920 If there's any blood on my train's nose... 694 00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:34,960 Get out of the way. 695 00:52:48,199 --> 00:52:50,800 - Did you see any blood? - Not a drop. 696 00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:12,000 Tell 'em about the football team. 697 00:53:12,079 --> 00:53:15,040 - The one that left this morning. - What team? 698 00:53:15,119 --> 00:53:17,800 - The man bought their tickets. - What man? 699 00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:20,320 - In the back room. - That's my room. 700 00:53:20,400 --> 00:53:24,200 - There'd be nobody in there. - What's wrong with you lot? 701 00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,240 You know very well... No, I can see you don't. 702 00:53:27,320 --> 00:53:30,720 We fixed up sending away Buggleskelly Wednesday. 703 00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:34,240 - I expect there's no such team. - I never heard of it. 704 00:53:34,320 --> 00:53:38,560 They went on my excursion. You remember me selling the tickets. 705 00:53:38,639 --> 00:53:40,880 I do not. 706 00:53:40,960 --> 00:53:43,120 Was anybody here last night? 707 00:53:43,199 --> 00:53:45,880 I can see you were. You must have seen me. 708 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,120 I was busy with two other fellas. 709 00:53:49,199 --> 00:53:52,840 - You admit there was a fight. - There was an argument. 710 00:53:52,920 --> 00:53:56,160 It was then I went and met this man. He'd got one eye. 711 00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:58,200 One eye? Did he say who he was? 712 00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:01,080 No, but he told me to call him Joe. 713 00:54:01,159 --> 00:54:03,560 One-eyed Joe, the miller! 714 00:54:03,639 --> 00:54:06,400 He went with the party on the train. 715 00:54:06,480 --> 00:54:08,600 The train! He's seen that too. 716 00:54:08,679 --> 00:54:12,320 Of course I have. I waved it out! Why? What's the matter? 717 00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:16,440 You've seen the miller. You're no company for the likes of us. 718 00:54:17,679 --> 00:54:19,640 What's the idea of all this? 719 00:54:19,719 --> 00:54:22,240 The mill wheel turns though the night is still 720 00:54:22,320 --> 00:54:24,840 He haunts the station, he haunts the hill 721 00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:27,160 And the land that lies between! 722 00:54:27,239 --> 00:54:30,480 A house agent, is he? I want his name and address. 723 00:54:30,559 --> 00:54:32,840 He was took by a train ten years ago. 724 00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:35,680 Yes, and he was took to my train this morning. 725 00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:39,000 Don't be talking about such things in this house. 726 00:54:39,079 --> 00:54:41,040 Let sleeping ghosts lie. 727 00:54:41,119 --> 00:54:45,000 I'll stand for ghosts carrying their heads, but not goalposts. 728 00:54:45,079 --> 00:54:47,040 I want my train back. Come on. 729 00:54:47,119 --> 00:54:50,520 No, we're not coming. They're open in half an hour. 730 00:54:50,599 --> 00:54:53,560 - Hey... - I know, I'm wasting my time! 731 00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:08,880 - Hello? - Doesn't anyone answer your phone? 732 00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:12,120 I've been to the local... the local signal box. 733 00:55:12,199 --> 00:55:15,040 - Where's this excursion? - Haven't you seen it? 734 00:55:15,119 --> 00:55:18,400 - No. Nobody has. - Oh. That's funny, isn't it? 735 00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,160 No, it's not. Are you certain you sent it off? 736 00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:24,080 - Are you certain you sent it to me? - Of course! 737 00:55:24,159 --> 00:55:27,640 - Well, I'm certain I sent it off. - Then where the blazes is it? 738 00:55:27,719 --> 00:55:29,800 I dunno. Who had it last? 739 00:55:29,880 --> 00:55:33,760 The train was sent to you and it hasn't been heard of since. 740 00:55:33,840 --> 00:55:37,040 I can't fathom it. Does your driver know the way? 741 00:55:37,119 --> 00:55:40,760 - Has there been an accident? - Not according to my ferret. 742 00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:42,600 Hello? 743 00:55:42,679 --> 00:55:44,240 Just a moment. 744 00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,720 This is Bracken. Where is your train? 745 00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:48,840 Have you sent that excursion off?! 746 00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:50,880 - Yes! - 'Well, where is it?!' 747 00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:52,920 We've mislaid it. Excuse me. 748 00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,960 - It went at six o'clock. - 'When?' 749 00:55:55,039 --> 00:55:59,000 - 'What? It was scheduled for ten# - 'Is that a different one?' 750 00:55:59,079 --> 00:56:01,160 - No! - 'Are you contradicting me?' 751 00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:03,400 - No, not you. You! - 'Yes?' 752 00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:05,880 - No! - Why did you change the schedules? 753 00:56:05,960 --> 00:56:09,120 - It suits my customers better. - What customers? 754 00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:12,360 - I'm not talking to you. - Pull yourself together. 755 00:56:12,440 --> 00:56:14,640 - I am together. - Where is it? 756 00:56:14,719 --> 00:56:16,800 Get off the line. Ring off! 757 00:56:16,880 --> 00:56:19,040 Do you know who you're talking to? 758 00:56:19,119 --> 00:56:22,120 - Yes, to him. - I'll report this to Brocker. 759 00:56:22,199 --> 00:56:24,880 Too late. I'm talking to the old fool now. 760 00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,160 Old fool? What are you gibbering about? 761 00:56:27,239 --> 00:56:30,680 I can't hold up the service. Can I stick me signals up? 762 00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:34,000 If it'll give you any pleasure. I'm ringing off. 763 00:56:34,079 --> 00:56:38,080 Oh, are you? You can pack up your things and go back to England. 764 00:56:38,159 --> 00:56:42,400 - If you're not out by tonight... - Tonight? What's the hurry? 765 00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:44,240 - You're fired! - Fired? 766 00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:46,680 - Yes, fired! - Oh. 767 00:56:47,760 --> 00:56:50,920 Well, I've been thrown out of better stations than this! 768 00:56:57,639 --> 00:57:00,160 - What you packing for? - I'm leaving. 769 00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:03,720 - Tonight? Have you told head office? - They told me. 770 00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:05,760 What's the matter? 771 00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:10,320 - He's got the push. - Poor old guv. 772 00:57:10,400 --> 00:57:13,480 Here, you can't go like this. Have some bacon. 773 00:57:13,559 --> 00:57:16,880 - I won't deprive you. - It won't keep much longer. 774 00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:20,920 I knew you wouldn't stay. He never liked stationmasters. 775 00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:23,960 - Who? - One-eyed Joe, the miller. 776 00:57:24,039 --> 00:57:26,360 Listen, I've had enough of him. 777 00:57:26,440 --> 00:57:28,960 I've never heard such a lot of rubbish. 778 00:57:29,039 --> 00:57:32,040 Every night, when the moon gives light The miller's ghost is seen 779 00:57:32,119 --> 00:57:35,600 - He walks the track, a sack on his back... - And his earhole painted green! 780 00:57:35,679 --> 00:57:38,320 He haunts the tunnel, he haunts the hill and the land that lies between... 781 00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,360 Nah, it's all my eye. 782 00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:42,400 Here, I'll give you this. 783 00:57:42,480 --> 00:57:44,920 There isn't a tunnel on our line. 784 00:57:45,000 --> 00:57:50,000 - No, but there is on the old loop line. - Loop line? First I've heard of that. 785 00:57:50,079 --> 00:57:52,840 - It runs through Pooker Hill. - Disused. 786 00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,560 - Where does it lead? - Across the border. 787 00:57:55,639 --> 00:57:59,600 Border? Loop line? Tunnel? I've got it! Go on. 788 00:57:59,679 --> 00:58:02,640 - Where we going? - To find my train! 789 00:58:03,679 --> 00:58:08,480 - No more arguments. We're going. - But we might overwork Gladstone. 790 00:58:08,559 --> 00:58:12,120 - It's haunted. - Shut up. Let's see the map, Albert. 791 00:58:12,199 --> 00:58:14,800 There's Pooker Hill and the mill on the top. 792 00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,400 There's the line to Bracken Junction. 793 00:58:17,480 --> 00:58:19,760 The line crosses the border there. 794 00:58:19,840 --> 00:58:24,800 - Here's where the old line branches out. - One-eyed Joe was killed right there. 795 00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:26,840 A banshee! 796 00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:30,080 Banshee! It's Gladstone on the boil. Come on. 797 00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:46,640 - Whoa! - What's he say? 798 00:58:46,719 --> 00:58:49,480 - He said whoa. - Oh, I thought he said Joe! 799 00:58:56,280 --> 00:59:00,280 This is the branch line all right. Where's the point lever? 800 00:59:02,400 --> 00:59:04,360 - Be quiet! - I've got it. 801 00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,680 - I got it first. - That's oil! 802 00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:08,520 Hello... 803 00:59:08,599 --> 00:59:11,960 - What does that prove? - There's been a cattle show. 804 00:59:12,039 --> 00:59:16,440 That's a football favour! It shows we're on the right track. Go on. 805 00:59:16,519 --> 00:59:18,480 Right. 806 00:59:26,039 --> 00:59:28,000 Look, there's the tunnel. 807 00:59:30,199 --> 00:59:33,480 - There's something across it. - It's disused. 808 00:59:33,559 --> 00:59:35,440 Slow down. You'll hit it. 809 00:59:35,519 --> 00:59:37,560 - Eh? - Put your brakes on! 810 00:59:37,639 --> 00:59:39,520 Brake! Brake! 811 00:59:39,599 --> 00:59:41,480 Brake! 812 00:59:44,639 --> 00:59:47,560 Why didn't you stop when I told you to? 813 00:59:47,639 --> 00:59:51,440 - I have stopped. - You couldn't help it with that there! 814 00:59:51,519 --> 00:59:54,840 Look, there it is - my excursion. Now who's potty? 815 01:00:04,559 --> 01:00:08,520 - I wonder where everybody is. - Could be playing football. 816 01:00:08,599 --> 01:00:11,560 - Who plays football in the dark? - Night schools. 817 01:00:11,639 --> 01:00:15,600 - They haven't unpacked the goalposts. - Let's go back now. 818 01:00:15,679 --> 01:00:19,960 What? After they've pinched my train and left it here? Not me! 819 01:00:20,039 --> 01:00:22,480 They haven't even paid for their tickets. 820 01:00:22,559 --> 01:00:23,920 Hey... 821 01:00:28,039 --> 01:00:32,240 - My tickets. They're not even clipped. - Some more over there. 822 01:00:36,559 --> 01:00:38,600 Blimey, they chucked 'em away. 823 01:00:38,679 --> 01:00:40,640 Well, what a nerve! 824 01:00:42,519 --> 01:00:44,960 - Follow me. - I'm not going in there. 825 01:00:45,039 --> 01:00:47,000 Do as you're told. And you too. 826 01:00:47,079 --> 01:00:50,240 I won't poke me nose in other people's tunnels. 827 01:00:50,320 --> 01:00:52,760 So you'll let me go in alone to face... 828 01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:55,120 - whatever there is to face? - Yes. 829 01:00:55,199 --> 01:00:57,560 All right, I'll... Get inside! 830 01:01:04,159 --> 01:01:08,040 - It's all right. I'm behind you. - Would you like to come in front? 831 01:01:08,119 --> 01:01:10,080 No, I can see fine from here. 832 01:01:10,159 --> 01:01:12,240 What was that? 833 01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:14,680 - Voices. - Must be somebody there. 834 01:01:14,760 --> 01:01:17,800 What's that growling? 835 01:01:17,880 --> 01:01:20,720 - It's my stomach. - Well, keep it quiet. 836 01:01:23,159 --> 01:01:25,120 Hey... 837 01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,920 - Guns! - Odd things to take to a football match. 838 01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:34,600 They're gunrunners, not footballers. 839 01:01:34,679 --> 01:01:38,120 - Come on, boys, get that lot down. - What's the hurry? 840 01:01:38,199 --> 01:01:42,160 If we're not over the border by sunrise, we'll all be in jail. 841 01:01:42,239 --> 01:01:47,000 Get that lot down. I'll get the other one from upstairs. Come on, Mickey! 842 01:01:47,079 --> 01:01:49,040 Hurry up. Don't take all night. 843 01:01:52,639 --> 01:01:55,160 This is a funny-looking place, innit? 844 01:01:55,239 --> 01:01:58,800 - We're in one-eyed Joe's cock-eyed mill! - Oh, dear! 845 01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:00,840 Quick! Behind this. 846 01:02:06,320 --> 01:02:08,280 We go to the left. 847 01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:10,240 - No, right. - No, it's left. 848 01:02:12,400 --> 01:02:15,080 - Of course it's left. - I say it's right. 849 01:02:15,159 --> 01:02:19,440 Stubborn old git. If we turn left, we get there by the other road, 850 01:02:19,519 --> 01:02:21,480 whereas... Good evening. 851 01:02:21,559 --> 01:02:23,520 Get up. 852 01:02:23,599 --> 01:02:25,560 All of you. 853 01:02:25,639 --> 01:02:27,840 What are you doing here? 854 01:02:27,920 --> 01:02:30,320 Oh, er... You dropped your tickets. 855 01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:34,000 - Don't try anything. There's three of us. - No, two. 856 01:02:34,079 --> 01:02:36,440 - One. - Follow me. 857 01:02:38,519 --> 01:02:40,480 Come here! 858 01:02:43,440 --> 01:02:45,720 Come on downstairs. And hurry. 859 01:02:51,679 --> 01:02:53,800 Bull's-eye! 860 01:02:53,880 --> 01:02:55,840 Let's barricade the door. 861 01:02:55,920 --> 01:02:58,880 - Then we can't get out. - They can't get in! 862 01:02:58,960 --> 01:03:02,200 - Open this door! - You open it yourself. 863 01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:07,120 - Where's Harbottle? - He must be up there. 864 01:03:19,599 --> 01:03:23,240 - They're not here. - They must have got out another way. 865 01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:25,520 It's all right. They're going. 866 01:03:41,159 --> 01:03:43,840 What's the matter? I thought you'd gone. 867 01:03:43,920 --> 01:03:48,760 - You think too much. Tie him up! - You can't do that. I'm a British subject. 868 01:03:48,840 --> 01:03:53,040 What are you going to do? You can't do that! 869 01:03:53,119 --> 01:03:55,240 And who's gonna stop us? 870 01:03:55,320 --> 01:03:57,280 Glory be! The ghost! 871 01:03:58,360 --> 01:04:00,320 The phantom miller... 872 01:04:01,679 --> 01:04:04,920 One-eyed Joe! 873 01:04:07,719 --> 01:04:09,680 Aa-choo! 874 01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,360 That's no ghost. 875 01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:14,880 After 'em! 876 01:05:07,840 --> 01:05:10,400 - They're not here, Grogan. - They can't get away. 877 01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:13,440 We'll get them when we come back. Slip that bolt! 878 01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:27,040 - They've taken the ladder away. - Now we can't get down. 879 01:05:27,119 --> 01:05:30,040 Let's tie a rope to that hook and slide down. 880 01:05:30,119 --> 01:05:32,720 It won't bear our weight. Use that beam. 881 01:05:32,800 --> 01:05:37,000 - But that goes round in the wind. - We can try it. Give us a rope. 882 01:05:37,079 --> 01:05:40,840 - We haven't got a rope. - What are we arguing about then?! 883 01:05:44,119 --> 01:05:46,280 - What was that? - I dunno. 884 01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:55,520 - You touching something? - No, I'm holding on. 885 01:05:55,599 --> 01:05:59,040 - We're oscillating. - I shall be sick in a minute. 886 01:05:59,119 --> 01:06:02,440 Stick your fingers in your ears and count to 100. 887 01:06:05,239 --> 01:06:07,200 Hey, what's this? 888 01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:11,240 Cor, look! 889 01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,280 Oh, the propeller. 890 01:06:13,360 --> 01:06:18,360 - We could ride on one of these sails. - It isn't going round. 891 01:06:18,440 --> 01:06:21,840 Something's holding it. Must be a brake somewhere. 892 01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:23,880 Ah, perhaps this is it. 893 01:06:26,239 --> 01:06:28,200 It's turning now. 894 01:06:32,599 --> 01:06:34,560 - Has it stopped? - Yes. 895 01:06:34,639 --> 01:06:36,760 Then it's under control. Come on. 896 01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:41,360 - Yes, what is it? - We're going down. You're first. 897 01:06:41,440 --> 01:06:45,240 - Right down there? - No, go along this horizontal sail. 898 01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:48,480 - Which? - This one, pointing to three o'clock. 899 01:06:48,559 --> 01:06:52,520 - Drop off at six o'clock. Understand? - Yes. What time is it now? 900 01:06:52,599 --> 01:06:54,960 No, no, six o'clock at the bottom! 901 01:07:00,599 --> 01:07:03,200 - Oh, dear. Oh, dear. - Come on, come on. 902 01:07:03,280 --> 01:07:06,040 - Right along here? - Yes, go on. 903 01:07:08,719 --> 01:07:11,960 - It's a long way down. - Never mind. You'll soon be there. 904 01:07:12,039 --> 01:07:14,160 That's what I'm afraid of. 905 01:07:14,239 --> 01:07:17,640 - You all right? - Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Just a minute. 906 01:07:18,719 --> 01:07:20,680 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 907 01:07:21,760 --> 01:07:23,720 I'm back again. 908 01:07:25,719 --> 01:07:27,680 Hurry up. 909 01:07:31,559 --> 01:07:34,520 - Are you nearly there? - Nearly. 910 01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:41,320 - I'm ready. - He's ready. 911 01:07:47,800 --> 01:07:51,760 - All right, he'll be OK. Go on, you're next. - Stop it, then. 912 01:07:51,840 --> 01:07:54,080 Oi! 913 01:07:55,559 --> 01:07:57,520 Do I have to fall in the water? 914 01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,960 Oh, dear. The blood's running to my hat. 915 01:08:33,239 --> 01:08:38,240 - It's bending. - Look at the weight on it. Float a little! 916 01:08:42,760 --> 01:08:46,160 - Should I go to the end? - Yes, but don't go past it. 917 01:08:57,600 --> 01:08:59,440 All right. I'm ready. 918 01:09:12,000 --> 01:09:14,880 - You all right down there? - I'm up here! 919 01:09:16,399 --> 01:09:19,360 - What are you doing up there? - I'm 12 o'clock. 920 01:09:19,439 --> 01:09:22,680 Well, why don't you chime? How will I get down? 921 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:24,680 Climb out on the other wing. 922 01:09:24,760 --> 01:09:26,640 I can't let go of this lever! 923 01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:31,120 I'm balancing him. Climb out on the other one and you'll bring him down. 924 01:09:31,199 --> 01:09:33,240 Oh, all right. Hold on. 925 01:09:33,319 --> 01:09:35,160 Hurry up. I'm cold up here. 926 01:09:44,119 --> 01:09:46,080 Go on! 927 01:09:46,159 --> 01:09:49,160 What do you mean, ''go on''? I know what I'm doing. 928 01:09:49,239 --> 01:09:51,840 - Hurry up. - I am hurrying up! 929 01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:59,560 - I can't hold on much longer. - I'm coming as fast as I can. 930 01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:01,600 Hurry up. 931 01:10:26,600 --> 01:10:28,960 Can't somebody stop it? 932 01:10:31,039 --> 01:10:33,200 I can't hold on much longer. 933 01:10:40,680 --> 01:10:42,720 Go on, Harbottle. Drop off! 934 01:10:42,800 --> 01:10:46,160 I can't. I shall fall in the water. 935 01:10:46,239 --> 01:10:50,000 Go on! I can't stay up here all day. I'm not a pigeon. 936 01:10:50,079 --> 01:10:53,200 - Jump! - How are we gonna get off?! 937 01:11:00,199 --> 01:11:02,160 I'm slipping! 938 01:11:02,239 --> 01:11:04,200 Oh, shut up. 939 01:11:04,279 --> 01:11:06,240 I'm going to be sick! 940 01:11:07,279 --> 01:11:09,240 I'm going. I'm going! 941 01:11:25,920 --> 01:11:27,880 All right, jump! 942 01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:49,280 Ooh... 943 01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:55,520 Innit a good job I thought of the hay cart? 944 01:11:55,600 --> 01:11:58,840 - You might have taken the fork out. - 'Ere, look. 945 01:12:06,560 --> 01:12:08,520 Now let's get away. 946 01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:12,560 Without my train? Not likely! We'll couple Gladstone to it. 947 01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:21,840 - There's an engine on the other end. - I'll attend to that. 948 01:12:21,920 --> 01:12:24,360 All right, my front man. We're ready. 949 01:12:24,439 --> 01:12:28,080 Start when I tell you and drive until I tell you to stop. 950 01:12:28,159 --> 01:12:32,440 - Do you think you'll get away with this? - I hope so, for your sake! 951 01:12:32,520 --> 01:12:34,640 Get a move on. No funny business. 952 01:12:38,359 --> 01:12:40,720 Go on. Get hold of that shovel. 953 01:12:45,159 --> 01:12:47,120 Right, away. 954 01:12:47,199 --> 01:12:49,160 Start her up. 955 01:12:53,760 --> 01:12:55,720 Let her go. 956 01:13:03,520 --> 01:13:06,480 - We done 'em! - Keep moving or they'll do us. 957 01:13:06,560 --> 01:13:09,520 - Get up on the carriage roof. - Do what? 958 01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:11,720 Don't argue. Take this with you. 959 01:13:11,800 --> 01:13:14,880 If any of them stick their heads out, swat 'em. 960 01:13:24,640 --> 01:13:29,240 - What about that stationmaster? - We'll collect him on the way back. 961 01:13:29,319 --> 01:13:33,040 Hey, what's this? We're going the wrong way. 962 01:13:47,439 --> 01:13:50,400 100 miles an hour. Didn't think she could do it. 963 01:13:50,479 --> 01:13:52,440 That's the pressure gauge. 964 01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,440 I know... I was going by the telegraph pole. 965 01:13:58,640 --> 01:14:01,840 - Don't touch it! - We're coming to Buggleskelly. 966 01:14:01,920 --> 01:14:06,200 - Ain't we going to stop? - No, if we keep going, they can't get out. 967 01:14:08,279 --> 01:14:11,360 We're home. Buggleskelly! 968 01:14:18,239 --> 01:14:21,720 - Put 'em in the fire. Save coal. - They're my undies! 969 01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:23,760 Well, they're going in anyway. 970 01:14:25,720 --> 01:14:28,720 'Ere, don't spend the coal. We shall run out. 971 01:14:28,800 --> 01:14:30,760 Oh, shut up. 972 01:14:49,560 --> 01:14:52,520 We're turning to the left. Put your hand out. 973 01:15:07,399 --> 01:15:09,920 You'll pay for this hat. 974 01:15:13,039 --> 01:15:14,800 And for the shovel. 975 01:15:24,359 --> 01:15:26,440 Pull! 976 01:15:35,560 --> 01:15:37,520 Hey. Hey! 977 01:15:37,600 --> 01:15:41,160 - What's the matter? - You're letting all the steam out! 978 01:15:41,239 --> 01:15:43,360 Who is? 979 01:15:43,439 --> 01:15:46,600 - It's going off the boil. - Do something, then! 980 01:15:58,760 --> 01:16:01,640 - Shoot him. - It's jammed. Give me a rifle. 981 01:16:01,720 --> 01:16:03,680 We haven't any ammunition. 982 01:16:08,520 --> 01:16:10,800 Waargh! 983 01:16:21,920 --> 01:16:25,560 I say. Don't look now but there's another train coming. 984 01:16:25,640 --> 01:16:27,880 Oh. Eh?! 985 01:16:27,960 --> 01:16:29,920 No, no! 986 01:16:39,800 --> 01:16:41,760 Cor! Dear! 987 01:16:41,840 --> 01:16:44,600 That's the last bit of coal we've got left. 988 01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,120 'Ere, 'ere, you can't burn that! 989 01:16:47,199 --> 01:16:50,560 If don't get any help soon, you're going in next. 990 01:16:50,640 --> 01:16:53,000 - That can go for a start. - How do we get help? 991 01:16:53,079 --> 01:16:57,360 - At sea, they put a message in a bottle. - We haven't got a bottle. 992 01:16:57,439 --> 01:17:00,080 - Have we? - Yes, we have! My medicine. 993 01:17:00,159 --> 01:17:02,760 Don't waste time. Chuck it away... 994 01:17:02,840 --> 01:17:06,040 - 'Ere, that's my medicine. - I'm as ill as you are. 995 01:17:06,119 --> 01:17:10,080 I'll uncouple the train from the engine. Give us your hat. 996 01:17:10,159 --> 01:17:13,400 You stick it out that side while I get out at this. 997 01:17:28,119 --> 01:17:30,600 Where's the bottle? Give it to me. 998 01:17:33,800 --> 01:17:35,760 Ooh, a tunnel... 999 01:17:45,039 --> 01:17:49,240 - Give me the bottle. I'll throw it. - Not now! We're in a tunnel. 1000 01:17:56,279 --> 01:17:59,840 - Worst coal I've tasted. - It's not coal. It's your pants. 1001 01:18:03,479 --> 01:18:07,040 We're coming to the station. I'm going to throw it. 1002 01:18:12,039 --> 01:18:14,000 What the...?! 1003 01:18:25,720 --> 01:18:28,080 Calling Belfast. Urgent. Belfast! 1004 01:18:29,720 --> 01:18:31,920 Belfast standing by. Go ahead. 1005 01:18:33,560 --> 01:18:35,920 Stations stand by for altered schedule. 1006 01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:40,440 Stand by for altered schedule... Stand by for altered schedule... 1007 01:18:41,520 --> 01:18:44,760 - Side track 24 good. - Side track 24 good. Right! 1008 01:18:45,840 --> 01:18:48,800 - Hold 16 express. - Hold 16 express? Right! 1009 01:18:50,880 --> 01:18:52,960 I gots her on her way to West Yard. 1010 01:19:10,199 --> 01:19:14,000 All cars to West Yard terminus. All cars to West Yard terminus. 1011 01:19:14,479 --> 01:19:18,480 All cars to West Yard terminus. All cars to West Yard terminus. 1012 01:19:33,399 --> 01:19:35,360 We're coming to a dead end. 1013 01:19:35,439 --> 01:19:38,480 Stop grumbling! We haven't come to a dead end yet! 1014 01:19:38,560 --> 01:19:40,520 Oh, a dead end! 1015 01:19:40,600 --> 01:19:45,000 Well, do something! Stop the train! Put the brakes on! 1016 01:19:46,359 --> 01:19:47,800 Hold tight! 1017 01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:55,600 - They're all in there. - Well, Grogan, we've got you at last. 1018 01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:57,640 All right, all right... 1019 01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:02,840 - Congratulations. - Good bit of work. 1020 01:20:02,920 --> 01:20:06,000 - Splendid show, Porter. - All in a day's work. 1021 01:20:06,079 --> 01:20:09,640 - You'll get recognition. - Don't thank me, thank Gladstone. 1022 01:20:09,720 --> 01:20:12,960 - Grand engine. 90 years old. - And good for another 90. 85038

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