All language subtitles for S.f.Y.L.S02E03.Whats.Wrong.with.Your.Chest.1080p.ITV.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-MiU_track4_[eng]

I know Christmas might be hard,
but isn't that why we need it,

especially this year?

- You're done?
- What else is there to say?

- They need you, I get that,
but, Amy, what do you need?

- Can you tell me, Leigh?

Is there a point when you stop
pulling the Matt card?

- You act like you are
the only person

who was ever an alcoholic
or adopted,

but there are a lot of people

in the exact same pain
you're in

and they have figured out

how not
to be living nightmares.

- Team Shaw is bullshit.
And I can't believe it took me

so long to figure out
that you'll never change.

I don't wanna be a part of this
family. You're a terrible family.

- Stop it! We are supposed
to be all that we have!

- You are so condescending

and you think you're so much
better than anyone.

- Oh, my God.

- But you're
a horrible instructor.

My clients hate you.

- You are more unbearable now
than when you were drunk.

- You're ungrateful and a snob, and
I am so fully over your shit.

- Yeah, I've been over yours
for, like, a decade.

- OK, OK. Let's
all take a deep breath, hmm?

I'd like to commend you both
for showing up and digging in.

This is not easy.

- Oh, I had to drag them here
by their teeth.

- And what is exceptionally
clear to me

is how much the two of you
care about one another.

However, you do have
some trouble listening.

Leigh, what's coming up
for you?

- Well, I'm still pissed
about what she said earlier,

that I can only see the hole
Matt left

and not the people
standing around it,

like I'm supposed to be
grieving on her terms.

- No, no, no.
She's not criticising you.

- Jules, is that a fair
assessment?

Let her answer.

- She can grieve
however she needs to.

I just wish that...
I don't know.

She acts like I'm this
deadweight dragging her down.

Why can't she see me
as a life raft or something?

- You know what? I wanna
try an empathy exercise.

The two of you switch places.

- Hmm?

- Now, we are going to re-enact
your last argument

but with the roles reversed.

- So I'm Leigh?
- Mm-hmm.

- I do not do that
with my face.

- You totally do.

- Well, at least I don't do
this with my eyebrows.

- OK, OK, start over.

Empathy.

- Leigh...

it is so deeply unfair

how differently we get treated,

like I don't belong
in the family.

- Oh, that is patently false.

I mean, I love both of them
equally.

- Mom, jeez.

- Let them work it out.

- Whatever, Jules.

You are so selfish.

You make everything about you,

like when you called me drunk
to pick you up

and robbed me of Matt's
last night alive.

- No, she would never
think that.

She does not think that.

- Amy.
- (chuckling) My God.

So you're just making things up
now.

That's good.
That's really productive.

- Thank you both for being
so open.

Unfortunately,
we are out of time.

But for homework,

I would like you to take on
a project together--

something you don't
normally do.

Are you--are you hosting
any holiday meals?

- My ex-husband
and his wife and daughter

are coming for dinner tomorrow,

and I'm making a savoury
vegan nut loaf.

- OK, well,
how about the two of you

prepare dinner this year?

As a team?
- That's just not gonna happen.

I mean,

they can't be in the same room
together, for a start,

and also, you know,
they don't really cook.

- This might be a good opportunity
to foster their independence.

- Well, there's no reason
to spoil a good meal for that.

I mean...
(chuckles)

Do you take Visa?
- Mm-hmm.

You know, I know
that this session

has been mostly
about Jules and Leigh,

but I would like to give you
some things

to think about this week.

- Oh, s--me?

- I noticed during our session
that you spoke on their behalf

and defended your own choices

and occasionally used affection
as a barrier to self-exploration.

- Wait, wait, wait.
(laughs)

I mean, I--I can't just sit by
and let them savage each other.

I mean, that's not
how I show love.

- Well, you can show them love
without undermining them.

- Undermining them?

Well, what does that mean?

Wait--sorry.
I'm hurting them?

- Unconsciously, perhaps.

You know what?
I promise.

I promise we will get into this
our next meeting.

For now, don't worry about it.
Just hang back a little.

And have
a merry Christmas, hmm?

(light music)

(kettle whistling)

(whistling continues)

- Mom.

- Hey, since when is doing things
for your children a crime?

I mean...(scoffs)
I'm a mother, for Christ's sake.

- What is this word?
- Crudites.

- It's a platter
of raw vegetables.

- I know what it means.
I just can't read her writing.

Can you get the flour?

Hello?

- I'm "Merry Christmas"-ing
Matt's mom.

- You know, you girls,

you don't think
I'm undermining, do you?

- This recipe
has red wine.

- No, I wouldn't use that word.

- Well, what word
would you use?

- "Overprotective."

"Extra-loving"?

- That's four words.
- Mom.

- What?
Grape juice. Fridge door.

- How about "controlling"?

- Wha...
(scoffs)

You know, neither of you girls
would have a job

if I didn't run
my own business.

- Did you buy Parmesan?

- Yeah, I did.
- OK, where is it?

- You know what?
It's your meal.

You find it.

- (sighs)

Nut loaf.

It's the saddest loaf
known to man.

Maybe we could change it up
this year.

Sabrina's back on red meat.
We could do a rib roast.

- That's, like,
varsity-level cooking.

- Salt, pepper, garlic, butter.
We can handle it.

- OK, well, you lead, then.

- You want me to boss you
around?

- Pretend like I don't know
what to do with this.

- Just make it smaller.

Whole Foods delivers, right?
I think they have meat.

- That thing you said
in therapy

about robbing me of Matt's
last night--

you know I
never said that.

- I know.
- Not during our last fight,

not when he died,
and just never, basically.

- OK, well,
some part of you must blame me.

He could've needed
someone--no, listen.

- No, not me.

- Leigh, I need you to listen

because I was really drunk that
night and--

- You were really drunk
a lot of nights,

and you've done
a lot of crappy things.

None of them had anything
to do with Matt's death.

- What if they
did, though?

- You really think that?

Jules.

Look, I can't tell you how
to feel,

but that is
not how I feel.

OK?

- OK.

(percussive music)

- Give me a few things
to think about?

Would you, lady?
Really?

Give you a few things
to think about.

Undermining them?

I am the most supportive person
they know, you bitch.

Barrier to self-exploration.

You don't know me, lady.

All I goddamn do
is explore myself.

(vacuum humming)

- She's still vacuuming.
- Hose attachment?

- Yep.
She's levelled up.

(sighs)

(gentle holiday music playing)

I have never seen those.

- Yeah, I think it's her
and Richard's wedding china.

- Oh, weird that she kept it.

Have we never
had more than

four people
over for Christmas dinner?

- Nope.
Just the three of us and Matt.

And then there was that girl
that you were dating.

- (scoffing) Sleeping with,
for, like, a month.

God, she was so annoying.

Couldn't get over
how I didn't wanna

talk to her about
my birth family.

She thought it was this fun
mystery or whatever, but, like,

back off, Nancy Drew.

(plates clatter softly)

- Would you ever
wanna talk to me about it?

- Um...sure.

What do you wanna know?

- Do you ever think
about meeting them?

- Well...
(laughing) Yeah.

I have this phrase memorized
just in case.

(speaking Vietnamese)

It means, "Are you my mother?"

- What if she says yes?

- Sorry, Jules. Did I--did
I say something wrong or--

- You're fine.

I'll just cross that bridge
when I come to it.

I gotta grab my stuff out
of Evie's room.

She's back from boarding school
tonight,

so I guess
I'm on the pullout couch.

- Got it.

Happy almost Christmas.

- You too.
I'll see you in the morning.

(door clicks
open and shut)

(mellow music)

- Are you trying to spark joy?

- Did you know

that when Swedes reach
middle age,

they throw out
all the stuff they don't need

so that their kids don't have
to go through it when they die?

- Well, you are not dying,
and you're also not Swedish.

- How's the meal going?

- It's good.
We're making a roast.

- A roast?
Who decided that?

- We both did.

- Wow, that's great.

- How come we never had people
over for holiday dinners?

- What people?
You're my people.

- You know what I mean.

- Because my mother is crazy,

and my family is a product
of her madness,

and I've told you this
many times.

- Yeah, but you always say
she's crazy,

and you don't say why.

You rarely tell stories
about her.

Anyway, she's old now.
She could've softened.

- Katherine?
No, no.

She doesn't soften.
She calcifies.

OK, um...
(pops lips)

I'll tell you about the time

that my grandma
bullied my mother

into taking me roller-skating.

I was seven...I think.

So my mother drags me there,

and then she just leaves me
to lace up my own skates.

So, well, I get them on
eventually,

but then I just keep
falling over.

So I watch her.

Oh, she is zipping
around the rink.

Backwards and forwards.
She's spinning and jumping.

She is the best skater there.

This goes on
for hours and hours.

And then, of course,
my stomach starts growling.

(laughs softly)

So I wave at her, you know.
She doesn't notice.

So I start sneaking fries
off of other people's trays.

Well, somebody calls
the management.

So Katherine comes over.
Know what she does?

She smacks me, hard,
right across the face.

Seven.

How's that for
undermining?

- God, that's awful.

- Oh, no, no.
It's fine.

I have a lot of those stories. They
all end the same way.

You know, go and get some rest.

You got a big
day tomorrow.

- OK.

(door creaks open)

(door clicks shut)

(pensive music)

- Those are going.

(laughs)

Oh!

Oh, my God.

(sighs)

(chuckles)

Wow.

(sniffs)

Aw.

(soft dramatic music)

(laughs softly)

I didn't realise you smoked.

- Only when I can't sleep.

- (exhaling)

- What's got you up
at 4:00 a.m.?

- Oh, invites and menus
and favours.

- (laughs)

- And Richard and I,
we had a courthouse wedding,

so, you know, this is all
new to me,

and I have a...anxiety rash.

But it's gonna be beautiful.
It's gonna be beautiful.

- (laughs) Oh, my God.
- What about you?

- Oh, um, well, our first dance
is a rumba step.

Yeah, so I'm screwing that up.
Gonna humiliate myself, but...

- Well, maybe I can help.

- (laughing) Oh, my God.
OK.

- (laughs)

- Oh, man.
(laughs)

(romantic classical music
playing)

All right.

Don't laugh.
- No, I'm not.

- OK.

- Yup.
- Uh-huh.

- (singing)
We get it almost every night

- Slow. Good.

That's great.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- Your footwork is great.
- OK, yeah.

- Just keep it
a little bit loose. That's it.

Don't put your head down.
- Oh, right.

- That's it, perfect.
- OK.

- You look great!

- Uh-huh.
- And then a little cross step.

- Right, OK, and then boom.

- That's it.
Quick, slow.

- Uh-huh.
- Quick, quick, slow.

And get your hips in--oh.
- Yeah, no, I don't want...

- I'm sorry.
- (groans)

- You're just a little locked
in your head, that's all.

- (groans)
(music stops)

I just keep on telling myself
to breathe,

but the more I say it, the
less air actually I take in.

I feel like my fight-or-flight
response

is busted somehow.

- Aw, everybody feels the urge
to bail before their wedding.

It's normal.

- Oh, no, I--I don't wanna
run away from Leigh.

Actually, I'm afraid
I'm gonna run at her so hard

that I'm gonna totally
destroy her.

- You know, I remember
that feeling.

You spend so much time
running away from people

that the first time
you run towards somebody--

well, it's a lot.

- Who was yours?

Richard.
- Mm-hmm.

Do you know he invited me to
go to Morocco the week we met?

Can you believe that?

And the second night
we were there,

some random guy
in a pickup

took us to a party
in the desert.

- Oh.
- Oh, no.

I was wearing this gorgeous,
gorgeous scarf.

It was maroon
with a sort of fringe.

And we stole it from the market
earlier on.

We did.

And, oh, we smoked hash...
- (laughs)

- And we danced
around a bonfire all night.

Oh, man.
It was magic.

- Mm.

- Come on.

Come on.
(music resumes)

- (singing) Keep things
loose, they keep it tight

Everybody's dancing
in the moonlight

- And... slow, quick, quick,
slow.

There you go.
That's perfect.

- Oh, don't lie.
I'm a disaster.

- No, you're not, and listen.

Even if you mess up
every single last step,

it doesn't matter.

You know why?

Because you'll still be
holding the person

that you're running towards.

And that is just everything.

(music continues)

There you go.
- Mm.

- (gasps)

- Whoa!

- Whoo!
- (laughs)

- (laughs)

(music stops)

(birds chirping)

- (singing along) Deck
the halls with boughs of holly

Ta-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la

'Tis the season
to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la--

Ah, merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas!

- Merry Christmas, honey.
Aww.

(smooching and giggling)
Aww.

- Have you been smoking?

- Uh, well, I found
a stale pack

and I took a couple of puffs.

No biggie.

- What time did you go to bed?

- Well...
- Did you go to bed?

- Uh, no, not yet,
but, you know, I can nap later.

- Ooh, what's wrong
with your chest?

- Ooh.

I don't know.

- Hey.
- Ah.

Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
(Amy grunting)

(laughs)
- (laughing) Wow.

I brought a gravy boat over
from Sabrina's.

Whoa, what's wrong
with your chest?

- Oh, I--allergies?
- She was up all night smoking.

- I was not smoking all night.
- Did you say smoking?

Like, cigarettes?
- Oh, my goodness.

I made a little brunch.

I hope
that's not too undermining.

(laughs)
- Can we do presents?

'Cause my gift-giving game
is tight this year.

- Do you mind if we do it
later because,

oh, I need to shower
and tidy up

and do some yoga and meditate

and leave you two girls

to stir up
a little yuletide voodoo.

Tonight's gonna be lit.
See you in the p.m.

(laughs)

(vocalizing brightly)

La-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la

- What's Vietnamese
for "cuckoo-bananas"?

- (sighs)
Where's the crudites?

- Mmm, oh, it smells divine.

(gasps)
I haven't had a roast in years.

Richard's gonna flip.
What's left to do?

- Saute the green beans,
baste the meat,

brown the gratin,
heat the biscuits.

It's covered.
- Oh.

Well, it's marvellous.
Oh, I'm so proud of my girls.

- It was all Jules.

I just chopped stuff
and judged her.

- (laughs)

- She's a wizard
at chopping and judging.

- Years of practice.
- (laughs)

(heels clacking)
("Jingle Bells" playing)

- (singing)
Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go

Singing all the way

- (singing)
Bells on bobtail ring

- You know what? I am just
gonna throw together a salad.

- We have plenty of vegetables.
- A small salad.

You know, just in case.

- In case of what,
a salad crisis?

- Well, you know,
in case somebody has some

undetected food allergies.

I mean, what
does Evie eat?

(laughs)
You see?

I'm gonna throw together a small
salad just for Evie and me,

and then if she doesn't eat it,
you know, small beans.

Oh, oh, oh.

Cucumber and celery...
- (mouthing words)

- And a radicchio! Oh-ho-ho!

Now we're talking.

- Did you ever nap, Mom?

- Oh, no, why?
Do I look tired?

- No.
You look amazing, as usual.

- Aww.
Thank you.

(doorbell rings)

Yay!

all: Merry Christmas.

- Is it OK if I pop my squash
in your oven for a sec?

- Sure, of course.
Hi.

- Evie, why don't you see
if the girls need anything?

- S--uh...

This is--
- I know.

My heart's going nuts.

- Hey, guys!
- Hi!

- Don't be nervous.

- Merry Christmas.

- I should go help.
- Yeah.

We'll talk later.

("God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
playing)

(laughter)

- Everything looks terrific.
- It really does.

- The girls did it
all themselves.

- Oh!
- Almost done. Load up plates.

- So how's the horse stuff
going?

- What do you mean?
- The varsity riding. Are you--

- It's--it's not called that.

- Oh, my God, Jules.
That looks great!

- Oh, it smells amazing!
- Jules, that looks so good.

- Oh, the outside's overdone.
The inside's underdone.

I didn't let it sit at
room temperature first, so...

- The entree is...
- I like my meat rare.

- We'll just pick around
the raw bits.

- Always the least edible part
of the meal.

- Well, it's a good thing

I made a salad, then, right?
(laughs)

- These biscuits look amazing.

- Heads up. There's
chili flakes on those beans.

- Beautiful scarf, by the way.

- Uh, thank you.
(laughs softly)

- It looks like the one
we stole

from that vendor in Marrakech.

It was...
(laughs) Wild times.

It was--remember when
we both threw up

on the ride to the desert?

- Oh, my God.

- This old guy gave us
this hashish

that was laced
with...something.

(laughter)
And we get there.

Amy bolts for the bonfire,

comes back later with no shoes,
bleeding feet.

- No, no, no, no.
You were with me.

We were dancing.
- No, no.

I hung back with the Aussies.
You're remembering it wrong.

- Why didn't you go dance
with her?

- Yeah, lame-ass.

- Evie!
- A number of reasons,

not speaking Arabic being one.

- Well, neither do I.
- I don't really dance.

Plus, the dude with the truck
was so sketchy.

I got paranoid that
he was gonna leave us

out there
in the middle of nowhere.

- No, but we were happy.

- I was terrified
and miserable.

I think I even cried
on the ride home.

- Oh, cried?
- (laughs)

- He cries a lot.
- I forgot that part.

- He doesn't like
being out of control

and he hates open spaces.
- (exhales)

- You're agoraphobic?
- No.

- Isn't agoraphobia
fear of crowds?

- That's enochlophobia.

- Hmm.
- (laughter)

- No one's
eating my salad.

- I just haven't got to it yet.
(laughs)

- Making room.
- (strained laugh)

You know, I wasn't allowed
to make anything.

- This is just bullshit.
- What's wrong with your chest?

- Calm down.
It's just food.

- Don't tell me what to feel.
Just food?

I mean, it's something that
I made that nobody wants.

I mean...
(laughing) It's Christmas.

Oh, God. Who eats salad
on Christmas anyway?

(sniffs)
That's so stupid.

I guess that's what happens when
your identity gets...

(laughing)
Yanked away from you.

- Mom, what are
you talking about?

- (stammers)
Well, you heard that therapist,

what she said about me
being a garbage mother.

- She didn't say that.
- Oh, she didn't say that.

- Oh--I'm hurting them.
That's what she said.

I'm hurting them.
I mean...(scoffs)

Which, of course, is the last
thing that I would wanna do.

I mean, I have spent,
oh, decades

trying to undo the damage
that my mother did to me,

and then this jackass
tells me that I'm repeating it--

you know, the abuse
and the neglect.

I mean, if anything, honestly,
it's the other way around.

- Um...
maybe you should go lay down.

- It's "lie," not "lay."

Do you know what I realised
when Leigh got married

and you moved in with
those deadbeat college kids?

That I have zero friends.
No one.

I would rack my brains
to think of somebody

that I could call to, you know,

start a book club
or go to brunch.

And I mean, for a while,

I even thought that
Sabrina and I could be pals.

(laughing)
I mean, really, what a joke.

- I...consider you a friend,
Amy.

- (laughs)

Sorry.

Did you hear
that, Richard?

Your wife considers the person

with whom
you are sleeping a friend,

and that makes you
a chicken shit.

- (scoffs)

Really, Amy?
Like this?

- (softly) God damn it.

- What the hell?
- I knew it.

Soon as Donna said her name,
you got antsy.

- I was trying to tell you,
and you bulldozed me.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's Donna?

- No, no one. No one.
- Our couples counsellor.

I was hinting that we were--
- Richard, enough.

We will discuss this at home.

- I'm just an issue at
everybody's therapy these days.

I mean, don't you just love
it the way

they--they talk about me

as if I am something
that needs fixing

and then they show up here
like everything's dandy?

- You invited us!
What is wrong with you?

- I'm tired!

I am tired of being
everyone's problem

and I'm tired of feeling
like a nuisance

and I'm tired of
not being listened to--

Well, just sit down!

Just sit down!

(sighs)

Is that what it takes?

I've gotta behave like a raving
lunatic just to be heard?

When did I stop being a person?

(stammers)

You know, you spend
so much time

trying to figure out the kind
of parent that you wanna be,

but the amount of time
that you were

actually essential
to your kids,

it's, like--it's just
a fraction of that.

And the rest of the time,
you're just wallpaper.

(stammers)
You know, when you were little

and you would crawl into my bed
after a nightmare,

it's like--it's like--
then you just--

you feel really necessary.

Right?
Right?

And then--well,
then you turned ten,

and it just stopped,
and I was just..,

I was just crushed, and...

and then I thought, "No, no,
you know, it's OK.

This is, like, phase two.
What is this gonna look like?"

I just...

(laughing)
I just--I just--

I just never thought
I'd start disappearing.

And then--and then,
you know, you moved back in

and Jules got sober,

and it was just--

it was just like
you were crawling back to me

after the worst nightmare
in the history of the universe,

and I mean,

I know
that this is really ugly,

but just for a second,

I just--

(sobbing) I just felt
really whole again, you know?

And it's just--

and they don't tell you that
in mom school.

They don't tell you
that you're just gonna

give pieces of yourself
to your children

and then--and that those pieces
are gonna live inside of them

and you're never gonna
get them back.

Oh, God.
(sniffles)

Ugh.

And they also
just don't tell you

that you're gonna
become invisible.

And also just completely
useless,

because I mean, you know,

how can you call yourself
a fireman

if there aren't any fires
to put out?

(sighs, sniffles)

So who am I?

(whimpers)

When my children
don't need me anymore,

who am I?

(sniffles)

Well, I'll tell you.

A blind idiot...
and a coward's whore.

- (shakily)
Thank you for the meal.

Probably best
if you don't stay over tonight.

Evie!

(sighs)

- I'm sorry.

- Just save your apology
for the daughter who needs it.

(soft sombre music)

(door click open)

(door clicks shut)

(birds chirping)

(knock at door)

- Come in.
(door clicks open)

- Were you able to sleep?

- Like a rock--
a shame-filled rock

who feels just awful
about her behaviour yesterday.

I am so sorry.

You didn't need to find out
about me and Richard like that.

How are Evie and Sabrina?

Oh, don't tell me.
I don't wanna know.

(sighs heavily)

I started an email,
like, four or five times,

and I just--I...
I couldn't send it.

I mean,

maybe if you see them,
you can apologise for--

Oh, no.

- You're leaving?
- What are you doing?

- (sighs)
I--I've gotta fix some things.

So I can't do it here,
so I'm going.

- No, don't go.

Dad and Sabrina,
they will sort themselves out.

- (laughs)
It's not about them.

I'm just curdling.

And that's--that's not good
for anybody.

- OK.
For how long?

- I don't know.
- To where?

- Alaska.

I found an Airbnb
near Talkeetna.

It's a mountain town.
(laughs)

- Uh...
(laughs)

OK, why?

- Never been.

- And that's
all you're packing?

- Mm-hmm.
- You hate the cold.

And you have no snow pants
or snow boots.

You have a fashion puffer,
and that's not even waterproof.

- Well, there are coats
in Alaska.

So, um...

emergency documents.

I texted Lacey
so she's in the loop,

and all our bills are set
to autopay.

The online reviews say
that the...

reception at the apartment
is spotty

but that the cafe across
the street has Wi-Fi.

So, um, what else?

Uh...

nothing.
That's it.

I gotta call my Lyft soon.

Otherwise, I'm gonna lose
my nerve.

So tell me you can do this.
Please tell me you can do this.

- Yeah.
We'll be OK.

- You already are.

Oh, here he is.

OK.
I love you.

Love you too.
- Love you.

- Text us when you land.
- I will.

OK.

(soft tender music)

- We still have four more
sessions of therapy left.

- She's not gonna be able
to go.

- Maybe she'll make him
turn around.

- I bet she's back
by tomorrow night.

- Yeah.
- (mouths word)

(laughs softly)

- Matthew's school is throwing
him an event to honour him.

- It's nice that they're
doing something to remember him.

- Yeah, but they didn't
know Matt.

- I don't think he felt like he
meant much to this place.

He was always talking about how
crazy this school made him.

- Danny.
- Dare to care, man.

I spent more time grading
this than you spent writing it.

- Anyone have thoughts
or memories?

- I think you're
really good with kids.

- I don't know
how to be a dad.

- I'm just wondering if
it will ever be a possibility.

- Guys, Mr Greer's wife
is here with us today.

Would you like to say
a few words?

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