All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E13.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian Download
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian Download
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt-PT Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish Download
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,278 --> 00:00:39,279 It's such a treat to be at the water park with you guys. 2 00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:40,686 I don't want to freak anyone out, 3 00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:43,267 but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank. 4 00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:45,527 It's been so long. 5 00:00:45,621 --> 00:00:48,696 - Okay. All right. - I need this so much. 6 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,215 - This is a gift. - Just gonna... 7 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,530 - You have no idea. - Move along here. 8 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:53,277 You're giving me a gift right now. 9 00:00:53,295 --> 00:00:54,702 You-you take care now. 10 00:00:54,797 --> 00:00:58,206 Yeesh. Imagine being that desperate for human connection. 11 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,617 Anyway, sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, 12 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:01,968 and I need to be peed on. 13 00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:03,378 Our jellyfish don't sting. 14 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,879 Yeah, I think, I think I know 15 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,123 when I've been stung. 16 00:01:06,141 --> 00:01:07,382 Now is there an attractive, 17 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,626 well-hydrated manager I can speak to? 18 00:01:09,795 --> 00:01:11,461 Everyone having fun? 19 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,572 You know, this is our first family time 20 00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,407 since we went to Dollywood. 21 00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:18,652 - Aw. - What? 22 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,562 It's just not what I thought the sign would look like. 23 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,823 I mean, it's got two O's right next to each other, 24 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:25,084 and, you know, it's just... 25 00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:27,461 missed opportunity. 26 00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,051 Where's Stewie? 27 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,987 Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting, 28 00:01:37,005 --> 00:01:38,913 and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise? 29 00:01:40,492 --> 00:01:41,492 Stewie! 30 00:01:45,589 --> 00:01:46,772 Well, I'm out of ideas. 31 00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:48,999 Someone, help! My baby! 32 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,275 Peter, jump in and save him! 33 00:01:50,502 --> 00:01:53,094 On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my ear buds. 34 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:55,021 Hold my second phone I hide from your mother. 35 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,448 Hang on. 36 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,817 Respond with an eggplant emoji. 37 00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:04,606 Hey, check out the new addition. She's hot. 38 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,683 Tank hot. 39 00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:18,953 Meg! You saved Stewie! 40 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,639 Thank God everyone is safe. 41 00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:22,123 And as for you, young lady... 42 00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:24,868 - I guess I'm in trouble? - No, not at all. 43 00:02:24,887 --> 00:02:27,962 In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. 44 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,982 I think you'd make an excellent lifeguard. 45 00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,633 Will you apply for the position? 46 00:02:31,727 --> 00:02:32,651 You mean it? 47 00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:34,711 Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. 48 00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:38,231 Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers. 49 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,735 No. Those shoes now belong... 50 00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:43,553 to Meg. 51 00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:49,075 We're not even close to the same size! 52 00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:51,503 Get 'em off, get 'em off! 53 00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:54,837 In Oz, there's no place like home. 54 00:02:54,917 --> 00:02:58,385 For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. 55 00:03:08,096 --> 00:03:09,579 What software is that? 56 00:03:09,598 --> 00:03:12,249 'Extra Visible To Nearby Patrons 57 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,583 In the Coffeehouse' Edition"? 58 00:03:13,677 --> 00:03:15,176 Just trying to get a little work done... 59 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,846 on my Hollywood screenplay, for Hollywood. 60 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,092 Home of big Hollywood celebrities. 61 00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:25,779 Ike Barinholtz, being an example. 62 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,522 Do not patronize this man! 63 00:03:27,616 --> 00:03:30,692 I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed! 64 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,452 What? I-I would never. 65 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,604 He tweeted something very negative 66 00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:36,048 about Abbott Elementary. 67 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:37,958 I-I said it was hilarious. 68 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,960 But you didn't use all caps. 69 00:03:40,112 --> 00:03:41,611 You're canceled, mister. 70 00:03:44,633 --> 00:03:46,433 I'll just gather my things. 71 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,578 Per hipster law, 72 00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:51,546 when a coffeehouse becomes available, 73 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:55,125 it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name. 74 00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:56,718 Um, Java the Hut. 75 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,827 Perks and Recreation. 76 00:03:57,887 --> 00:03:59,129 Lost and Ground. 77 00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:01,131 - Roast Malone. - Two and a Caf Men. 78 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,316 This can go on for quite a while. 79 00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:07,913 Why, this very shop started in the '80s as Funky Brewster, 80 00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:09,397 and then Delta Perk. 81 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,899 In the mid-'90s, it was briefly a tavern 82 00:04:11,994 --> 00:04:14,644 called Dharma & Grog, and then... 83 00:04:14,663 --> 00:04:15,921 Uhp. 84 00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:17,314 I'll send you back now. 85 00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:18,665 Got to get the dog. 86 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:20,333 Daisy! Daisy! 87 00:04:20,486 --> 00:04:23,837 It's just the barley man. You know the barley man. 88 00:04:23,989 --> 00:04:25,597 The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf. 89 00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,248 Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf. 90 00:04:27,342 --> 00:04:29,083 The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing. 91 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,019 Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone. 92 00:04:32,164 --> 00:04:33,588 Yup, it's all yours. 93 00:04:33,682 --> 00:04:35,181 You can name it whatever. 94 00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,608 Wow, what should we do first? 95 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,852 We should hang an "Under New Management" banner 96 00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:40,170 to generate interest. 97 00:04:40,339 --> 00:04:43,765 Whoa, someone different is signing the time cards. 98 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,659 I got to check this place out. 99 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,623 Really glad you're applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. 100 00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:53,458 I just have a few questions. 101 00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:57,020 "If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, 102 00:04:57,113 --> 00:04:58,946 what would you say?" 103 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,024 The pool is a shower? 104 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:03,117 Wow, skipping to page two. 105 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,304 Let's see, this is all just boilerplate 106 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,864 about making sure to hassle the urban kids 107 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:10,458 - like they're gonna somehow steal the pool. - Right, right, right. 108 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,869 That was in the application packet you emailed. 109 00:05:12,888 --> 00:05:14,980 Okay, well, you're basically hired. 110 00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:16,815 The only lifeguard test left is 111 00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:19,634 for you to run all sultry in slow motion. 112 00:05:35,485 --> 00:05:38,337 Okay, we can work on that. 113 00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,992 Wow, we're finally going to open our coffeehouse today. 114 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,404 I've been dreaming of this day for most of the day, 115 00:05:47,422 --> 00:05:49,014 and now it finally pays off. 116 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:50,757 Yup, only thing left to do is 117 00:05:50,909 --> 00:05:52,242 put the right music on the Sonos. 118 00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:53,743 Connecting: 119 00:05:53,762 --> 00:05:56,246 - Brian's Knockoff iPhone. - Wait, why does it say that? 120 00:05:56,264 --> 00:06:00,083 Jazz Music Brian Never Actually Listens To. 121 00:06:00,102 --> 00:06:02,510 Love this one. 122 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,863 Favorited, but not listened to once. 123 00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,198 Not one single time. 124 00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:07,757 It's okay, Bri, I got this. 125 00:06:07,776 --> 00:06:09,684 Stewie's iPad 126 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,686 That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him. 127 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,597 Whoa, no, not always. 128 00:06:13,615 --> 00:06:16,041 Songs That Are Guys' Names. 129 00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,094 Stop, stop, we're overthinking this. 130 00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:20,770 It's a coffeehouse. We're legally required 131 00:06:20,789 --> 00:06:23,382 - to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs. - You're right. 132 00:06:23,609 --> 00:06:25,609 Anyway, what matters is we're finally ready 133 00:06:25,702 --> 00:06:28,536 "Joe You D'int." 134 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:31,281 Did-did we... did we settle on that name? 135 00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:32,966 Don't ask me. 136 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,542 You're the one who keeps bringing us back 137 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,953 - to "Joe You D'int." - Yeah, I don't like that one. 138 00:06:36,972 --> 00:06:38,805 And yet here we are talking about it. 139 00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:40,214 You're the one who won't let it go. 140 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,025 Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever. 141 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,529 All right, are we serving coffee or what? 142 00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:50,133 Welcome, everyone. 143 00:06:50,152 --> 00:06:51,893 Step right up and get yourself some coffee. 144 00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:53,483 Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee. 145 00:06:53,563 --> 00:06:55,247 Okay, where did you put the coffee? 146 00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,991 Me? Wha... I... you were in charge of getting the coffee, 147 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,002 I-I was coming up with "Joe You D'int." 148 00:07:03,573 --> 00:07:04,739 Well, frick. 149 00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:06,943 Okay, okay, make it look like we can't help anyone 150 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:09,261 because we're preparing a giant order for DoorDash. 151 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,171 - How do we do that? - Just start throwing 152 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,989 a bunch of stuff into bags, and I'll keep asking 153 00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:15,225 if the next person through the door is Dave. 154 00:07:16,011 --> 00:07:18,603 Dave? You Dave? 155 00:07:18,755 --> 00:07:20,180 - Dave? - What about us? 156 00:07:20,332 --> 00:07:23,108 You're actually here, so you don't matter. 157 00:07:27,597 --> 00:07:29,597 A job can be more than a job, 158 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,508 if you love what you do. 159 00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:34,010 I am a lifeguard because I love flashing 160 00:07:34,103 --> 00:07:36,997 eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. 161 00:07:38,350 --> 00:07:40,183 I love checking the pH of the pool 162 00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:41,609 by gargling the water and seeing 163 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,536 how quickly it gives me a yeast infection. 164 00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:48,449 Okay, pH a little high here. 165 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,785 I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, 166 00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:54,288 it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out. 167 00:07:54,382 --> 00:07:56,049 All right, guys, 168 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,701 that's enough over there. 169 00:07:57,719 --> 00:08:00,645 But what I love most about being a lifeguard? 170 00:08:00,797 --> 00:08:03,039 No more abuse from my family. 171 00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:05,466 In fact, no family at all. 172 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,878 It's just me, all day, every day. 173 00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,471 - Hey, Meg! - Dad?! 174 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,324 Great news. Since you work here, 175 00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:13,825 I got a discount on a season pass! 176 00:08:14,052 --> 00:08:16,161 I'll be here all day, every day. 177 00:08:16,388 --> 00:08:17,721 And don't worry, I won't set up my towel 178 00:08:17,739 --> 00:08:19,664 next to the breastfeeding moms. 179 00:08:21,743 --> 00:08:25,295 Don't forget to swap halfway through so you keep 'em even. 180 00:08:31,086 --> 00:08:34,495 Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace. 181 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,270 Well, maybe your workplace should've thought of that 182 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,258 before they put an ad on my juice box. 183 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,019 I'm a lifeguard, you know. I could just throw you out. 184 00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:43,396 Aw, come on, Meg. Look, if you let me stay, 185 00:08:43,582 --> 00:08:45,506 we'll make one of those viral videos you love. 186 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,527 You know, where something seems real, but it's actually cake. 187 00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:50,529 Yo, yo, yo, I'm here with my daughter, Meg, 188 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,696 and her brother, Chris. 189 00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:53,106 Or am I? 190 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,774 Dad! Stop it! 191 00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:56,368 Wait, what happened to Cake Chris? 192 00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:59,496 All right, let's see what's happening on CakeHub. 193 00:09:04,061 --> 00:09:06,545 What a dirty little cake. 194 00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:08,880 Okay, plus, plus, you know "laugh and cry"? 195 00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:11,287 You know the... in the song where Stewie says "laugh and cry"? 196 00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:13,367 Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours. 197 00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:15,111 - You'd do that? - I will look into it. 198 00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,038 I will look into it very strongly. 199 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,207 Okay, I guess so. 200 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,619 But only if you promise to follow all the rules. 201 00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:23,544 Guys, we're in! 202 00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:24,622 - Hey, Meg. - Hey. 203 00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:27,640 Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. 204 00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:30,318 What if it's very passive? 205 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,648 What are we gonna do, Stewie?! 206 00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:36,724 These people came for coffee, 207 00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:38,056 and we have none to serve them! 208 00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:40,078 Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what? 209 00:09:40,229 --> 00:09:43,105 Hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back. 210 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,142 What do you mean you don't have the coffee?! 211 00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:47,490 I-I know, I'm sorry, 212 00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,421 and-and for such a handsome guy, too. 213 00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:50,994 - You're so handsome. - Okay, pal, 214 00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:52,816 you're not gonna compliment your way out of this one. 215 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,834 Geez, buddy, you look so tense. 216 00:09:54,911 --> 00:09:56,183 Let's get you out of that apron. 217 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,821 Come on, I'm at work. 218 00:09:57,839 --> 00:10:00,581 When is that body not working? 219 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,584 Sorry, hang on, just got to deal with this stupid thing. 220 00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:04,678 Enough of this. 221 00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,253 Come on, other college students. 222 00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:07,847 Let's go sign up for a credit card 223 00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:09,624 that gives us a T-shirt! 224 00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:11,501 Wait! Hang on! 225 00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:13,686 We got coffee for you right here. 226 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,263 Yep, the highest quality that you've come to expect 227 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,598 here at "Brew Ha Ha." 228 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,433 I want to change our name to "Brew Ha Ha." 229 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,736 You're a lifesaver. Where did you get that? 230 00:10:21,847 --> 00:10:24,197 I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers. 231 00:10:24,349 --> 00:10:26,774 What? We'll never get away with serving Folgers. 232 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,127 Won't we? Look around, we're a hit. 233 00:10:31,114 --> 00:10:33,539 And check it out, we're already a pretend small business 234 00:10:33,692 --> 00:10:34,858 in a Chase Bank ad. 235 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:40,046 These days, running a small business can be a big challenge. 236 00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:41,787 Whether we're receiving a flower delivery 237 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,533 for unclear reasons... 238 00:10:43,535 --> 00:10:44,695 Or raising the blinds 239 00:10:44,794 --> 00:10:47,053 and flipping over the "Open/Closed" sign, 240 00:10:47,205 --> 00:10:48,643 which is how I spend most of my work day... 241 00:10:48,723 --> 00:10:50,982 Or even making a latte for a Black woman, 242 00:10:51,209 --> 00:10:52,876 an iced tea for a white woman, 243 00:10:53,044 --> 00:10:54,669 and a coffee for a gently brown guy 244 00:10:54,671 --> 00:10:56,804 who could go in a lot of different directions... 245 00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:58,381 We've got our hands full. 246 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,383 That's why Chase Bank is here for us. 247 00:11:00,476 --> 00:11:02,476 When this man in a suit from Chase Bank 248 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,071 came down and shook my hand at my place of business, 249 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,556 it really solidified 250 00:11:06,649 --> 00:11:08,558 what we'd already talked about at his office. 251 00:11:08,651 --> 00:11:10,148 Now we're looking at a laptop, 252 00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:11,728 like my stupid little coffee shop 253 00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:14,005 is gonna be a big disruptor in the online space. 254 00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,557 And my Chase business card 255 00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:17,567 allows me to make those emergency purchases 256 00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:19,052 that I'll lose sleep at night over. 257 00:11:19,162 --> 00:11:20,494 Chase understands my business 258 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,514 the way they understand all businesses, 259 00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:24,182 as a huge reverse funnel 260 00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:26,409 that shoves money upwards to them. 261 00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:28,411 Hey, another flower delivery. 262 00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:29,746 These'll look great in the bathroom, 263 00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:31,614 while I'm pooping blood from the stress. 264 00:11:31,674 --> 00:11:32,854 Now I'm flipping over that 265 00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:34,341 "Open/Closed" sign again. 266 00:11:34,436 --> 00:11:36,753 Is that a new stadium with Chase's name on it? 267 00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,012 How'd they afford that? 268 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,939 I'll be in this bathroom for a while. 269 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,179 Better toss it to the announcer. 270 00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,258 At Chase Bank, 271 00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:43,651 we're about more than just 272 00:11:43,762 --> 00:11:46,262 foreclosing on American servicemen while overseas. 273 00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,097 We're about small business. 274 00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:49,282 So when you think of Chase, 275 00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:51,692 don't think of the 2008 financial crash, 276 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,287 think of your local, sympathetic small business. 277 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,772 Flower delivery. 278 00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:58,216 Yeah, guys, we're good on flowers for a while. 279 00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:00,474 Well, that's great, but it doesn't change the fact that 280 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,554 we're passing Folgers off as real coffee. 281 00:12:02,705 --> 00:12:04,964 Isn't someone going to know the taste of Folgers? 282 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:06,466 Relax, Stewie. The only person 283 00:12:06,618 --> 00:12:08,560 who could possibly know the taste of Folgers 284 00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:11,304 would be an older white man who works in public education. 285 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,973 I would like a cup of coffee, please. 286 00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,396 Dad, you promised you'd follow all the rules. 287 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,398 I told you, no horseplay. 288 00:12:31,493 --> 00:12:34,085 We're having big wrassle-fights 289 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,946 a'cause it's the only way we know how to express affection. 290 00:12:36,948 --> 00:12:38,982 - Gonna get you, Peter. - Me, too. 291 00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:40,149 And not because I love you 292 00:12:40,318 --> 00:12:41,985 and I don't have the words to say it. 293 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:43,244 I'm just having normal fun 294 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,654 without all that mess. 295 00:12:44,747 --> 00:12:46,339 Okay, guys, out of the pool. 296 00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:47,991 I gave you a chance, and you blew it. 297 00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,675 You're kicked out of the park. 298 00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:51,603 - What? - Go home. 299 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:52,771 I'm kicking you out. 300 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,330 Gotta catch me first. 301 00:12:54,349 --> 00:12:56,257 Just try to get me out of the deep end 302 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,360 with these long-legged, short-torsoed giants. 303 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:02,113 Dad! 304 00:13:04,192 --> 00:13:06,526 My God, he's not breathing. 305 00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,790 Okay, guys. Come on now. 306 00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:13,416 Please breathe, Dad. 307 00:13:26,881 --> 00:13:29,866 - Hey. - Hey. 308 00:13:29,884 --> 00:13:33,036 Your mouth was... on my mouth. 309 00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:34,795 I think. 310 00:13:34,889 --> 00:13:37,148 Maybe a little. Yeah. 311 00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,392 My God, Peter. That's your daughter. 312 00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:40,877 Adopted daughter? 313 00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:42,654 No, Woody, just-just regular daughter. 314 00:13:42,805 --> 00:13:45,156 Ye-yeah, then ew, that's-that's wrong, ew. 315 00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,982 Okay, so... our mouths were... 316 00:13:55,076 --> 00:13:56,668 totally touching each other. 317 00:13:56,819 --> 00:13:58,227 Y-Yes. 318 00:13:58,321 --> 00:13:59,504 But that's okay. That's okay. 319 00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,731 'Cause you were saving my life, so it's not weird. 320 00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:02,915 Right, it's not w... 321 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,843 It's the opposite of weird. 322 00:14:04,994 --> 00:14:06,402 Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah. 323 00:14:06,421 --> 00:14:08,588 And, anyway, we can just say this never happened, right? 324 00:14:08,664 --> 00:14:09,830 'Cause nobody even saw us. 325 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,001 Ooh, they're all distracted. 326 00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:16,521 Other urban kids, this is our chance. 327 00:14:24,255 --> 00:14:25,360 Stewie, what are we gonna do? 328 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,848 If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, 329 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,388 he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers. 330 00:14:29,518 --> 00:14:30,702 I say we wait him out. 331 00:14:30,929 --> 00:14:33,779 Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely, 332 00:14:33,932 --> 00:14:35,540 unless he clears his throat. 333 00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,101 Welp, we're out of moves. 334 00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,936 Um, hi. How may I help you? 335 00:14:39,954 --> 00:14:41,880 I would like a cup of coffee. 336 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:45,174 Y-Yes, sir. Coming right up. 337 00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:13,394 Wait a minute, this is Folgers instant coffee. 338 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,989 I would know, we served it at my wedding. 339 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,399 Yes, everyone, we admit it. 340 00:15:18,493 --> 00:15:20,643 We didn't have our normal coffee beans on hand, 341 00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,754 and so we've been serving you the cheap stuff. 342 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,672 You're all drinking Folgers. 343 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,759 That's awesome. 344 00:15:27,986 --> 00:15:29,427 It... it is? 345 00:15:29,612 --> 00:15:30,911 Heck yeah, man. 346 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:33,080 We're, like, paying way a lot of our parents' money 347 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,766 for our parents' own cheap coffee? 348 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,659 That's kind of meta. 349 00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:38,344 Like, seriously alt and iro. 350 00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,665 Well, that went different from how I expected. 351 00:15:42,684 --> 00:15:45,276 Yup, kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant. 352 00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:47,946 This dog and baby are banned from society forever 353 00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,355 'cause of an Internet thing. 354 00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:52,692 One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC's DMs. 355 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,027 - Brian? - She's hot, 356 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,788 but we're supposed to pretend she's not. 357 00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,514 Well, who's that red lipstick for? 358 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:03,294 I guess the coffee shop's available. 359 00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:04,796 Roast Busters. 360 00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:06,555 Good luck. 361 00:16:10,361 --> 00:16:12,211 Back from the water park, you two? 362 00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:13,863 Anything unusual happen? 363 00:16:14,032 --> 00:16:15,531 Yeah. No. I mean, 364 00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,142 I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, 365 00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:21,295 but he was, like, way not blood-related. 366 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,207 Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news. 367 00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:26,242 Our top story, creepy lip-lock 368 00:16:26,244 --> 00:16:28,377 saves a life at Quahog water park. 369 00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:30,713 Local man Peter Griffin was revived by 370 00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,549 a game of tonsil-hockey with lifeguard Meg Griffin, 371 00:16:33,642 --> 00:16:35,809 who... I'm placing my hand over my ear 372 00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:37,553 and pretending to get new information... 373 00:16:37,572 --> 00:16:38,904 Is his own daughter? 374 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,148 Babe, it's not what you think. 375 00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:42,667 Yeah, I was just saving his life. 376 00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:44,393 He means nothing to me. 377 00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:46,320 I want to believe that, Meg. 378 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,172 But look what people are saying on Facebook. 379 00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:50,341 "This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson. 380 00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:52,659 "So not okay," Donna Brown. 381 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,828 "Russia USA number one support," 382 00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:57,181 woman's face with Getty Image watermark. 383 00:16:57,258 --> 00:16:59,183 Our family is a laughing stock. 384 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,743 Why are you being like this? 385 00:17:00,762 --> 00:17:02,411 I was just doing my job. 386 00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:06,082 I know, but I'm sorry, it-it's just weird. 387 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,674 I feel humiliated. 388 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:08,934 If you'll excuse me, 389 00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:10,508 I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, 390 00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:11,588 which is how TV depicts 391 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,532 a woman at her lowest point emotionally. 392 00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:15,775 This is insane. 393 00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,351 Yeah, when are people gonna grow up? 394 00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:31,198 And Chris Griffin is eliminated, 395 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,793 which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as 396 00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,219 National Spelling Champion. 397 00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,297 Congrats to his always-frowning Indian parents 398 00:17:38,449 --> 00:17:40,449 joylessly clapping in the audience. 399 00:17:45,456 --> 00:17:46,806 Guys, we called this meeting 400 00:17:46,958 --> 00:17:49,458 because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, 401 00:17:49,477 --> 00:17:51,382 - and we have something to say to you. - That's right. 402 00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:53,142 - You guys are being stupid. - Meg and I are in love. 403 00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:54,721 What? No, Dad, 404 00:17:54,816 --> 00:17:56,299 we're telling them that they're idiots 405 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,967 - and to cut it out. - Right, I... 406 00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,744 That's what I meant, I-I'm all confused. 407 00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,487 I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju... 408 00:18:01,639 --> 00:18:03,639 I need to return a ring to Zales. 409 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:10,813 My God, your father's not breathing. 410 00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:12,665 Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 411 00:18:12,817 --> 00:18:15,075 Me? You do it. You're his wife. 412 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:17,320 I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. 413 00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,597 Besides, you're the only one who knows how. 414 00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:21,582 No way, I already did it once, 415 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,842 and it made my life hell. 416 00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:25,344 Meg, please. This is our father! 417 00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:26,662 Probably. 418 00:18:26,755 --> 00:18:27,939 What's that supposed to mean? 419 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,440 We've all heard stories of 420 00:18:29,592 --> 00:18:31,592 your time on the Hoobastank tour bus. 421 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,445 Meg, your father is dying and he needs you, 422 00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:36,781 and I am not going to sit here and apologize for 423 00:18:36,858 --> 00:18:38,265 what I may or may not have done 424 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:39,842 with the Hoobastank bassist. 425 00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:41,285 "Hoobastank bassist"? 426 00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,103 You don't even know the guy's name. 427 00:18:43,197 --> 00:18:44,697 They've had like five bass players, 428 00:18:44,849 --> 00:18:47,458 and, anyway, it's not like I was writing down names. 429 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:52,279 What's the big deal? 430 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,039 You stick your tongue down Dad's throat. 431 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,782 Most natural thing in the world. 432 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,117 Where the hell have you been? 433 00:18:57,211 --> 00:18:59,211 Brian and I did a coffee house thing, I don't know. 434 00:19:03,217 --> 00:19:05,868 I have to take this. Hey, you. 435 00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:09,038 Listen, Meg. I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. 436 00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:11,390 But I'm sorry I came there in the first place. 437 00:19:11,559 --> 00:19:13,559 Everyone deserves a place of their own, 438 00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:14,986 and I get that now. 439 00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:17,321 I promise I'll treat you better in the future. 440 00:19:17,473 --> 00:19:19,806 You know, we've had conversations like this 441 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:23,810 again and again, and nothing ever changes. 442 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,739 You're a terrible father, and I'm counting the days 443 00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:28,148 till I move out of this house. 444 00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,576 Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, 445 00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:33,462 I tell you "I love you" in sign language? 446 00:19:38,736 --> 00:19:41,662 I love you too, Dad. 447 00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:43,330 But this never happened 448 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,832 because no one resuscitated me. 449 00:19:45,927 --> 00:19:47,334 I did wake up eventually, 450 00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:50,246 but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. 451 00:19:50,264 --> 00:19:52,673 I spend most of my days getting walked around 452 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,750 by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone. 453 00:19:54,769 --> 00:19:57,253 Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace? 454 00:19:57,422 --> 00:19:58,613 That's her now. 455 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,778 Well, Meg, I gotta say, 456 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:06,853 I'm proud of you for going to 457 00:20:06,948 --> 00:20:08,206 that water park each day 458 00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:09,615 and working a job that you love. 459 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,042 I quit that place. 460 00:20:11,193 --> 00:20:12,693 - What? - Yeah, the weather turned 461 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,861 two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed. 462 00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:17,197 That's the girl I raised. 463 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:20,051 Yay, our generation folds at nothing. 464 00:20:20,202 --> 00:20:22,402 And, Stewie, I'm sorry our coffee house didn't work out. 465 00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:24,385 I wonder how Principal Shepherd's doing with it. 466 00:20:24,465 --> 00:20:27,207 I hear he's going with a "teachers' lounge" theme. 467 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,784 Your entire pastry case 468 00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,787 is just Tupperware with people's names written in Sharpie. 469 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,048 Don't forget this sad box of donuts cut into quarters. 470 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,309 Everyone, let's all talk about things 471 00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:39,320 that parents have told us in confidence. 472 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,650 It's kind of like Abbott Elementary, 473 00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,969 which is amazing. Amazing! 474 00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:49,622 You gotta watch it. My God! 475 00:20:49,702 --> 00:20:51,702 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org 36004

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.