All language subtitles for Tig.Notaro.Hello.Again.2024.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hello.

Thank you, people of Brooklyn.

Wow.

Come on. You know that's not my style.

Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.

Um...

Also, my wife, Stephanie,
is directing tonight.

All right.
Tonight's my night, though. Okay?

Actually, she is, by far,
out of the two of us,

the most popular in our family.

And possibly elsewhere.

But, um...

Yes, she's wonderful.

But we work together oftentimes,

and we'll leave and come home
at the same time.

And one day
I came home by myself,

and when I walked in,
the alarm said,

"Side door open."

And our son started yelling,

"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"

That's what they call Stephanie.

And then I came around the corner
and our son Finn looked back at me...

and then looked at his brother
and said, "It's just her."

As if to say, "Don't even bother

even slightly turning your head."

The letdown is so monumental.

Learn from my mistake.

Before Max and Finn came along,

people told us all of the typical things

of make sure you travel,
you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.

Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation

that happens on a near-daily basis.

Like, "It's just her."

Another example:

At bedtime, I was walking upstairs
with our son Max,

and he asked
if I would read him a story.

And I thought,
"Well, this will be great."

We can just have
a little special moment together.

I'll snuggle in real close to him
and read him a book.

He picks out a story.

And I'm reading the book.

He's just staring at me.

I get to page, like, four or five,

and then he says,
"Can you leave?"

"Absolutely.

Uh...

My apologies."

But you could tell he was
just like, "Yeah, I get it.

The little animal misses
its mommy or whatever,

but, uh, I'm exhausted,
so beat it."

Stephanie and I
were completely dead asleep

in the middle of the night
one time when Finn came in

and just wedged his little body
right between us.

Just got right in there.

And then in the darkness,
this little voice...

"I have two mommies?"

I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."

And he said,
"I don't want two mommies."

And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh,
my gosh, this train has left the station."

And also, because it was dark,
I couldn't make eye contact

with Stephanie to be like,
"How are we gonna deal with this?"

But then a beat later, he said,
"I want three mommies."

I was like, "Phew."

That was close.

But also, I never imagined
it would be our young son

who would open up our marriage.

But being a good parent,

I immediately got online.

Started a new profile.

Saying "Little boy
in search of third mommy."

"Recent photos only."

They're seven and a half now,

and it's starting to feel like
life is kind of normal again

because we're getting sleep
and we're going out and socializing.

We went to a movie premiere,
got home at 11:00. It was a big night.

And when we got home,
Stephanie immediately fell asleep.

And I was up with a stomachache,
and I just thought,

"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this.
I'm sure it's nothing."

All of my medical issues
end up not being a big deal anyway, so...

Why would this be any different?

And then a couple of hours pass
and it just got worse and worse.

And I just, I turned to her
and I said, "Oh, my gosh,

I'm in so much pain
and my stomach's killing me."

And she was really groggy and said...

"Do you think it was
all the popcorn that you ate

at the premiere of the movie?"

And I said, "Mm, I do not."

"I've been eating popcorn
for almost 50 years now and, uh...

Not consistently, but almost,
and this is not popcorn pain."

And she said, "Well,
why don't you get up, get dressed,

and we'll go
to the emergency room

because I don't think
we should take any chances."

And I said,
"Well, I don't even know if I can walk.

I'm in so much pain."

And she said, You can't walk?
Well, then I'm calling 911."

And people of Brooklyn...

She called 911
and a gigantic fireman appeared

at our bedroom door.

This guy was over six feet tall,
had rubber boots on,

fireman pants,
muscles out to here,

suspenders, no shirt.

Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed
feeling so vulnerable

'cause I'm in terrible pain.

Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...

You think I wear a nightgown?

Me, your friend Tig,
you think I wear a nightgown?

You think I'm walking around
the house like...

"Who is it? Who is it?"

Because that's what you do
when you wear a nightgown.

You find out who it is.

I think the last time I wore a nightgown
was probably 1977.

Probably had a little Pooh Bear
on the front

scooping honey
out of a clay pot.

Fully polyester.

My mother would walk down the hall.

"Good night."

Where was the fireman that night?

I'll tell you where he was.

I bet he was in his little bed

that was in the shape of a fire truck.

Dreaming of one day
becoming a fireman.

Anyway...

So I'm in bed.

He comes over and he says,
"I want you to know,

I understand that
you're in a lot of pain

and that there is an ambulance
outside if you need it."

And I said, "Ah, I appreciate that.

I just, I don't know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."

And he said,
"That is not a problem."

And he scooped me up
in those big, strong arms.

And I was like,
"Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this."

Bada bing, bada boom.

Right then, I thought,
"Oh, I get it now."

If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?

That is not my typical type.

Oh, here's another curveball
I learned about myself that night.

Didn't know I was into this.

He had a mustache.

It wasn't just a mustache.
It was one of these.

Yes, please.

Don't. Don't judge me.

I feel like my demographic knows
better than most that you can fall for

and be attracted to anyone
at any point.

And it goes every which way.

It's true.

And I really had no idea
that this was my type.

I always thought if I'm ever into a guy,
it's not gonna be that guy.

I always thought he'd be
a singer-songwriter.

A painter, a poet.

He'd have a slight build.
We'd share a wardrobe.

But not this guy.

But there I was, in his arms,
my body just dangling,

nightgown flowing in the wind.

He's carrying me down the hall.

And I said, "Listen,
when we pass these two doors,

I need you to do me a favor
and I need you to be extra quiet,

because if my sons wake up
and see this situation,

they are going to be so confused

on so many different levels."

But he was amazing about it.

You know how he is.
He is the best.

He starts tiptoeing
with me in his arms.

He carries me down the stairs.

And my father-in-law lives with us,
and he carried me past him.

And then Stephanie had the door
of the house open,

and he carried me past her.

And I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life."

We get out to the ambulance
and he gently places me on the gurney.

Kisses me on the forehead.

It was mutual.

He closes and locks the back door.

And then, wouldn't you know it...

"Oh, God.

Hey, uh, apparently,

my roommate is worried about me

and wants to join us
on the ride to the hospital."

"Thanks a lot, Stephanie."

Total buzzkill.

But as I suspected,

it ended up not being a big deal.

It was just internal bleeding.

And a couple of weeks later,
Stephanie and I are at a party.

I'm telling everyone in this group
about the hot, sexy fireman

that carried me out of the house
in the middle of the night.

I was like,
"Oh, my God, you should've seen it.

Just muscles, mustache, so sexy."

Stephanie overhears this, walks up,
and says, "I'm sorry."

She has a look of disgust on her face.

She's like,
"You thought that guy was hot?"

"Uh, yes, I did."

"And this is not a matter of opinion."

"This is a matter of fact."

And I don't know
if anyone here can relate,

but there is nothing more awkward

than finding out in a social situation

that you and your wife

have completely different taste in men.

The older I get, I'm noticing

I think I have trouble with my hearing.

I-I-- Something's off.

I always misunderstand a word

or miss an entire chunk
of information altogether.

I'll give you a couple of examples.

Uh, I was working in Toronto,
and I checked in for my flight.

And the woman behind the counter said,
"Okay, you're all set.

You can go hang out now
in the Make Believe Lounge."

I said, "Oh, yeah?"

"Where is that?"

And she said,
"It's on the fourth floor."

I said, "Oh, is it, now?"

And she's just like,
"Mm-hmm, yeah."

And I said, "All right, well, uh,
I guess I'm gonna head up there now."

And the whole time,
she's just nodding her head.

"Yep. Okay."

I'm like, "Okay, here I go."

Okay, here's the thing.

I deal with these types of people

in these jobs on a near-daily basis,

and it's typically a very straightforward
exchange of information.

And with her, I thought,

"I've clearly stumbled
upon a little weirdo."

But I'll play.

But she never said,
"I'm just kidding."

So I thought, "Okay, I have to go see
what's going on on the fourth floor."

I press the elevator button,
go up, the doors open,

and there is a huge sign that says,

"Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge."

You know, Canada.

And I immediately cringe,

reflecting on the exchange
that I just had

where the woman clearly said

I could go hang out
in the Maple Leaf Lounge,

and I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"

"Where is that?"

"It's on the fourth floor."

"Okay. Is it, now?"

"Mm-hmm, yes."

"Okay, well, I guess
I'm gonna head up there now."

"Okay."

"All right, here I go."

I looked clinically insane.

Another example:

Uh, as I mentioned before,
Stephanie and I oftentimes work together,

and we had a meeting one afternoon

with Reese Witherspoon
and her producing partner,

and we were having a great time.

We were all sharing stories.
We're laughing so hard.

Just really a grand old time.

And then Reese started
talking about the TV show

that she worked on
called Big Little Lies.

And she said, "Uh, yeah, I was one
of the shortest cast members of the show.

I'm 5'2", Laura Dern is 5'10",

Nicole Kidman is six feet,

and Shailene is 5'8"."

And I responded, saying,

"Oh, that's interesting
'cause years ago

I dated a woman
that was six feet tall,

and I think she was kind of
insecure about her height,

so she hunched."

So...

Now...

The vibe in the room tonight

is eerily similar to the vibe

in Reese Witherspoon's office that day.

And soon after,
we wrap up the meeting,

head out, shut the door,

and Stephanie turns to me and says,

"Um..."

"What were you talking about in there?"

And that was the moment
that I learned

that there is an actress
named Shailene.

I...

I had never heard of her.

Now, this is also
the moment in the show

where there's a pocket of people
that are like,

"Oh, that is funny."

And then there are other people
like, "What?

And then I see people
lean into each other

to be like, "Well, no, I think,"
to explain.

No need to explain.
That's why I'm-I'm here. I...

Let me tell you what I heard.

I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5'2",

Laura Dern is 5'10",

Nicole Kidman is six feet...

and she leans 5'8".

That's why I said what I said.

I was sitting there looking at Reese,

her producing partner, Lauren,
and my own wife

staring back at me.

You could tell in their eyes they were
desperately trying to connect the dots.

To make what I had just said
makes sense.

And I feel like
I can read a room pretty well,

and I was truly sitting there
like, "What?"

I was also thinking,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Reese.

You can share
your boring height story."

"And then as soon as I share mine,
the entire room shuts down?"

I truly, in that moment,

I truly thought I was being
a really good conversationalist.

I was like, "Oh, interesting.

Okay, so your friend is six feet
and she leans 5'8".

Boy, do I have a story for you."

So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5'2"...

Laura Dern is 5'10",

Nicole Kidman is six feet,

and Shailene is 5'8".

And I essentially just responded to that
with, "Oh, interesting.

Um, I used to date a woman
that hunched."

"Bye-bye."

"Nailed that meeting."

"We'll be in touch, Reese."

I have no connection to Nicole Kidman.

I don't-- I mean, I've seen her,
you know, on TV shows and in film,

but if her friend is telling me
she's six feet and leans 5'8",

I'm not gonna push back.

And no matter how old you are,

you can always learn a new word
or a new phrase.

And I promise you, I thought
that's what was happening.

It's like,
"Oh, okay, six feet, leans five...

Is that what that's called? Hmm."

"I'll have to use that moving forward."

I really... I didn't know. I...

Yeah, I don't know Nicole.

I'm not connected.

The only slight connection
I have to Nicole Kidman is

I know that there are some people

who think I look like her ex-husband.

But...

I have to say, whenever I do
the "she leans," it makes me feel cool.

Yeah.

My back used to be so bad
that if you caught me

a few years ago, I would
have been like, "She leans."

But my friend highly recommended
I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles,

and I did, and she snapped, crackled,
and popped me back into shape.

And she said, "I do feel like this
is gonna hold you for a few months,

but you might be a candidate
for back surgery."

And so I'm lying there
and she's asking me,

you know,
what happened to my back.

And I said, "Oh, I was in a car accident,
a skiing accident, snowboarding accident."

I said, "We have these
two little roommates

that are in the 99th percentile.

Anytime I pick them up,
it snaps my back in two."

And she says, "Okay, well,
if you do go meet with surgeons,

just make sure
that you mention your accidents

and that you're a mother or whatever."

And she kept talking

and telling me the important information
to tell the surgeon,

but I was lying there thinking,

"A mother or, slap, slap, whatever."
I was...

What does that mean?

And so I didn't hear anything she said.

And my brain just started going
in all of these different directions.

And I'm just thinking,
"Does she think I'm a man?"

And then I thought, "Oh,
maybe she thinks I identify differently."

Uh, which, just so you know,

I just identify as a run-of-the-mill,
old-fashioned lesbian.

- And I...

I don't need a standing ovation. I...

We're all something,
and that's just what I am.

But I was like...

And then I thought...

You know how you can hire
somebody to come in

to talk about sexual harassment
in the office?

I was really reaching here,

and I was thinking, "Oh, maybe
there's some company you can hire

that will come in."

And then I stopped myself.

I was like, there is no world
that there is a company

that comes in to say,
"Listen, if you find yourself

face to face with someone
or something that you can't identify,

say what you think they are,

and then just flap your hand

about an inch from the nose

and then say, 'Or whatever.'"

"And that's the all-inclusive part."

I was like,
"There's no possible way, Tig."

But I could tell that
she didn't have bad intentions,

um, which I think
is very important these days.

Probably has always been important,
but really important now.

And I feel like the way I could tell

that she didn't have bad intentions
was solely from that.

Honestly, when I drove home that day
when I was trying to solve this puzzle,

I had a moment where I was like,
"Well, at least she did flap her hand."

Because here's the thing,

is a person that...

I think that what happened was
she was looking at my face,

and I think her sentence
got ahead of her.

And she was just like, "So, you know,
just tell them about your accidents,

that you're a mother-- Oh..."

"Oh, this face could be
many different things.

Flappity, flap, flap."

"Flap." You know, this is not...

This is...

This is panic.

This is not "I'm gonna try
and hurt your feelings."

This is "Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away."

I don't have the vocabulary,
but flappity, flap, flap."

I did, um...
I did end up having back surgery.

And wouldn't you know it,
there were complications.

I'll tell you what happened.

They cut my stomach open,
move my insides over,

bolt and fuse my spine,
move everything back over,

and then zip me up.

And I-I apologize.
I know that is a lot of medical jargon.

But it is what happened.

And my blood pressure dropped really low,
my insides shut down,

and they couldn't give me
the level of pain medication I needed

because my blood pressure
was so low,

so I was in so much pain,
started panicking.

Then they gave me Ativan
for the anxiety.

And we found out in that moment

that I'm allergic to Ativan,

and I started hallucinating like crazy.

And Stephanie said the moment
that she knew something was off

was when I was lying there
and I said, "Oh, boy."

"Here comes boss lady."

And she said, "First of all,

I know you would
never use the term 'boss lady.'"

"Second of all,
you don't have a boss lady."

"And third of all,
there is nobody there."

And I guess I had turned

and tried to shoo our family cat
off of the bedside table.

I was like, "Fluff, get down.
Get away from the vodka."

Wasn't a bottle of vodka sitting there.

Also, Fluff was not visiting me
that day in the hospital.

She had actually come the day before.

And before this moment, typically,
the doctors and nurses would always

beeline over to me,
and they would check my vitals.

And I look over and now they're
all standing around Stephanie,

and I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, what's going on?"

I couldn't get a hold of my brain,
and I was like,

"What are they talking about?"

And then I heard Stephanie say,

"Yeah, she's been hallucinating
on every sentence."

And then I interrupted.

And said, "Pfft, every other."

Just trying to save face because I really
did not know what was happening.

I mean, truly had no clue,

and I've never done
hallucinogenic drug trips.

And that's probably obvious
just by that sentence.

The closest I've ever come
to that state of mind

is when I'm really tired
or somebody wakes me up

from my sleep, I'll say something
that doesn't make sense.

And I remember
when I was in seventh grade,

my friend was spending the night
and we were talking in the dark,

and she was sharing something
traumatic from her childhood.

And I woke up
because I heard myself yell,

"There's corn dogs in the freezer!"

And she said, "What?"

And then I had to make it make sense.

And I said, "Oh, um...

I just wanted to let you know

that if you do get hungry in the night,

we have corn dogs in our freezer."

"But anyway, go ahead.
I was listening."

And people of Brooklyn,

we were not a corn dogs
in the freezer kind of family.

So that was a close call.

But needless to say,
I was not in touch

with the outside world
during this stint.

And Stephanie looked over at one point
and I had my cell phone in my hand.

And she said, "What are you doing?"

And I said, "I'm texting Patrick."

And she said, "Let me see your phone."
And I said, "Why?"

And she said, "Give me your phone."

And if she hadn't
taken a screen grab,

I would never have believed

what I was about
to send to Patrick.

He simply asked,
"Hey, how's it going in there?"

And I responded, saying,

"Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things
have been getting worse to a towel."

And then in parentheses, I wrote,

"I see tractor!"

"Also, CHB."

And whenever I share this story,
inevitably, somebody asks,

"What? What is CHB?"

And my response is,

"What is getting worse to a towel?"

Why does nobody have any question
about the rest of the text message?

Everybody's just like,
"What the hell is CHB?"

Like, what? I don't know. It's...

I was out of my mind.
Make up whatever you want it to be.

But I love
that I had the wherewithal

to put parentheses
around "I see tractor!"

Because I can only assume
that I was mid-text

and then glanced over.

I was like, "Whoa."

"Okay, this has nothing to do

with the rest of my message,

but, uh, I do see tractor."

"Also, CHB."

And a couple of days
after I was discharged,

I had this vague recollection

of stopping texting Patrick

to Google "how to spell tractor."

I know how to spell "tractor."

But I guess in that state of mind
I was just like,

"Okay, I can't just be
firing off misspelled texts."

"What will Patrick think of me?"

I ended up going
to physical therapy,

and I just, I want to make sure

that my physical therapist
is not here.

She has absolutely
zero sense of humor.

None.

None.

And Stephanie calls people like that

"people who talk to one another."

And we do that at home
all the time.

We'll be like,
"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"I've made breakfast."

"It looks delicious. Thank you."

"Well, I'd better be off to work."

"Have a wonderful day."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

And that is people
who talk to one another.

- And... yeah.

Yes, it really does deserve
an applause break.

So here's the thing.

You can end up in weird positions
when you're in physical therapy,

and it's just nice to be able
to connect with somebody.

Not with her.

Okay?

She wanted me to do this exercise

that called for a very thick rubber band
around my thighs.

And, um, she said, "To put put
the rubber band on, you step into it.

It feels like you're putting on pants."

But you're not.

You're stepping into a rubber band.

And so I had moments
where I was like, "Oh, this is f...

Oh, sorry."

'Cause she's just all about
strengthening the back.

And which, of course,
that's why I'm there.

"I'm on your side.
I just, I feel silly, and I would..."

"Okay, nothing."

So I get the rubber band onto my thighs,

and she said, "There's not enough room
in my office for this exercise,

so please follow me out into the hallway."

Again, nothing about it is silly to her.

So I'm waddling behind her.

And I said, "Oh, I feel so f..."

"Does everything
have to be a joke with you?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"I have a mortgage, so..."

We get out to the hall,

and this is a large building
in Los Angeles,

very high up.

I mean, maybe ten times
as long as this stage.

And she said, "I want you,
with the rubber band around your thighs,

get in this position,

and then do this
all the way down the hall

and then all the way back,
so forth and so on, okay?"

She-- Nothing's funny
about this to her.

'Cause she's just a person
who talks to other people.

I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh.
I'm alone."

So I'm going back and forth.

And then here's an important bit
of information for you.

All of the walls are glass.

We've got doctors' offices, attorneys...

I'm...

Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.

I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.

Scoot down...

I mean, I'm...

Look, I know I'm not
the most well-known person,

but people were recognizing me.

Okay? And I'm just like...

"God help me."

Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.

While I'm scooting down the hall,
I have this other realization

on top of everything,
where I'm like, "Oh. Oh, no."

"None of these people
waiting to see their doctors,

or their lawyers,

none of them know

that there's a physical therapy office
on this floor."

I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.

I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down...

It's like, "What the hell is Tig doing?"

"I had the day off.
I'm checking on you."

You've got a big trial
in the morning, buddy."

Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.

Oh, my gosh,
that is a hit song, is it not?

And speaking of hit songs,
you probably don't know this about me,

but I do love to sing
and play the piano.

And I was thinking, I actually
might do that for you tonight.

Only if you want me to.

Oh, look at that, perfect timing.

So, um, I do. I...

I love to sing and play the piano.

Um, I...

I don't know how to do either.

I do. I love...

You know, when I tell people
that I can't play the piano

and I have a terrible voice,
they assume, oh,

that I can't play anything.

It's the opposite.

I can play whatever I want.

Thank you.

I'm probably one of very few pianists...

That's what we're called.

And if you're too immature
to deal with that word...

...then you're in the right place.

But I think I am one
of very few pianists that you'll see

that plays cross-legged.

Sometimes I like to emulate,
like, a jazz pianist,

because I feel like it kind of helps me
sound better when I, like...

Jazz is just chaos,
and that's all this is, so...

I mean, it kind of sounds like something.

Clap if you're a pianist tonight
and you think,

"Well, it does
kind of sound like something."

Whoa!

Thank you.

A lot of pianists here.

What about a pianist
that's thinking,

"Uh, actually,
it does not sound like anything."

- Get out!

Get out.

You can't take my joy.

I mean, come on, I...

Maybe I'll put out an album.

And just call it
"It Kind of Sounds Like Something."

That's universal for the song is over.

I feel like I'm accidentally
getting good at the piano.

Um...

I was in Los Angeles
and I was at a party

that was just littered
with some of the most famous people

that you could ever imagine in your life,

and I'm certainly not
including myself on that list,

but on stage of this huge venue,

there was a grand piano,
a full drum set, guitars, microphones,

and, throughout the night,
different singers and musicians

would get on stage,
do a few songs, and then get down,

and then somebody else
would get up.

You would see people
like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande,

Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis--

so many different great, great performers.

And Adele was there.

And yeah, no matter how famous
anybody at this party was,

all anybody cared about was Adele.

And you'd just hear
the whole night, like,

"Oh, there's Adele.

Here she comes.
I think Adele is gonna sing next.

Oh, she's going over by the...
She's by the stage.

I think she's going on.
Here she comes.

It's Adele, Adele, Adele,
Adele, Adele, Adele."

And then she never sang.

And I turned to Stephanie
and I just said, "Pfft, I'll do it."

And Pink was finishing her final song.

And I walk up
to the front of the stage

and I said,
"Hey, I wanna sing a song next."

And she was so excited.

She knew I did comedy.

She didn't know I was a singer.

And she said,
"What song are you gonna sing?"

And I said, "I wanna sing
Adele's 'Hello.'"

She was so excited,

I thought her face
was gonna pop off of her head.

You can't dial in an Adele song.

You know? So she's like,

"Oh, not only does she sing,
she's incredible."

And then I said,
"Here's the thing.

I don't really know
how the song goes."

"And so I was wondering
if you could do me a favor

and go over
to the side of the stage

and ask the DJ
to play Adele's 'Hello,'

and then I'll play and sing along
to the best of my ability."

And her face dropped
'cause she realized

what she was dealing with
in that moment.

But she did it.

Pink walks over, asks the DJ
to play Adele's "Hello."

And that is what I was thinking
I just might play for you tonight.

I just need to warm up a little more.
Hold on.

I actually...
You know what?

I feel like this is a good point
in the show to apologize.

Say a friend brought you tonight.

I'm sorry.

Or maybe you only know me
from my TV show One Mississippi

or my podcast Handsome, and...

And you're like, "Oh, she does stand-up?
What's that like?"

It's like this.

I'm sorry.

I have to say, I have these moments
when I'm on stage...

...where I, I really get in touch with

the fact that I am somebody's mother.

Or whatever, but...

You understand, I have to look
at these children in the face

and say, "I have to go to work now."

"No, it's important.
I'm running late. I must go."

I, um...

I close all of my shows
with Adele's "Hello."

And, um, I was in Honolulu,

and it's in my contract
that I have a piano on stage.

And I was backstage
and the promoter,

somebody came up to me
and he said, "Tig, I'm so sorry.

I don't know how this happened,
but you're supposed to have a piano."

And I said, "Yes, I...

I do need one."

And he said, um...

"I just looked at your contract
and I saw that you needed one.

And I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.

We do have a piano.

It's just, um...

It's not tuned."

I said, "Oh, that's fine."

He said, "Really?"

And I said, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It makes no difference whatsoever."

"Same show."

"In fact,
every other key could be missing."

"Same show."

So...

Actually, if anybody
has a specific song title

that they would like to request.

I love that everyone's, like, panicking,
like, trying to, like...

"We came here for the hits, Tig."

Any? What?

Listen to yourselves.

Just listen to yourselves.

What's that?

"Heart and Soul"
by Huey Lewis?

No?

Well, I'm sorry. What is...

Who sings "Heart and Soul"?

Wait, why does it even matter?
I don't know how to play piano.

I can't even believe
I'm getting hung up on details here.

Sure, I'll play "Heart and Soul." I...

You know what?
I refuse to be treated this way.

"It's this..."

That feels like such a New York thing.

Like, I feel like...

Like at a dance rehearsal
or something.

Like, the teacher's like,
"You know, two, three, step it up."

Let's not forget that I don't...

Again, here's "Heart and Soul."

Here we go.

That was the Huey Lewis version,
by the way.

Okay, so before I do this,
the big finale...

The incredible Adele.

Such a talent.

And I just, it's so important
that you not forget

that I don't know
how to play the piano.

And I have a terrible voice.

And I know people are like,
"I know it's coming, I know it's coming.

I bet she's a great piano player
and I bet she sings like a bird."

That is not on the horizon.

This is the most crucial thing.

You cannot forget
for even a millisecond...

that Adele was at that party.

Hit it.

♪ Hello from the other side ♪

♪ At least I can say that I've tried ♪

♪ Tell you I'm sorry ♪

Thank you so much, Brooklyn.

Remember, Adele was there.

And so was Oprah Winfrey.

People of Brooklyn,
thank you so, so much.

Thank you so much for coming out.

Thank you.

Thank you. What a great audience.

Thank you so much.