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1
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,270
Hi, guys.
2
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,405
Hi, don.
Hey, don.
Oh, hey, don.
3
00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:10,008
Yeah, I just, you know,
Happened to be
In the neighborhood, and, uh,
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,944
Here you go, dick.
5
00:00:11,946 --> 00:00:13,345
Happy birthday!
6
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,480
It's your birthday?
For me?
7
00:00:15,482 --> 00:00:17,783
Well, tomorrow.
It's may 5, right?
8
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:20,618
If that's what I said,
That's what it is.
9
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:21,619
May 5.
10
00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:22,987
What year?
11
00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:24,156
Every year.
12
00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:27,425
Well, I would have
Dropped by tomorrow,
13
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,927
But rumor has it
14
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:30,428
That the, uh, fbi
15
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,031
Has agents in town
Looking for somebody.
16
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,832
Yeah, they might need
Old donnie's help.
17
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:36,035
Who are they
Looking for?
18
00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:37,969
That's classified
Information.
19
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,705
You have no idea,
Do you?
20
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,242
That's also classified.
21
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,977
Well, I gotta go.
See you, sally.
22
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,545
Tommy, dick, harry.
23
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:54,085
You know,
I--I just noticed that
You're tom, dick, and harry.
24
00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:00,025
So?
25
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,960
So tom, dick, and harry.
26
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,996
You know, like
"Every tom, dick, and harry."
27
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,498
Well...That doesn't mean
28
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,367
That it's a calculated
Attempt on our part
To seem average.
29
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:12,003
Yeah. I mean, we just
Picked names at random
30
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,605
When we got here.
31
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,309
I mean when we landed.
32
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,345
Bye, don.
33
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:21,513
Bye.
34
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,149
Well,
That was close.
35
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,785
Wait a minute.
Weren't you listening
To what don just said?
36
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,353
About our names
Being suspicious?
37
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,287
No, not that.
38
00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:30,622
About the fbi
Being in town?
39
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:31,623
No, no!
40
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,092
About it being
My birthday.
41
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,294
Dick, it's your fake
Birthday.
42
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:38,864
And you're my fake family,
And none of you remembered.
43
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,100
Wait a minute.
44
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,337
You're giving me
A surprise party.
45
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:46,371
No, we're not.
46
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,707
[sing-song]
Yes, you are.
47
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:49,941
No, we're not.
48
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,376
Yes, you are.
49
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:53,645
You are throwing me
A surprise birthday party
Tomorrow night.
50
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:54,546
That's an order.
51
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,914
Wait. Tomorrow?!
52
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,982
Yes! At 7 p.M. Sharp.
53
00:01:57,984 --> 00:01:59,317
Oh! Oh!
54
00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,219
I'm gonna be so surprised.
55
00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:38,357
Captioning made possible by
Carsey-werner productions and
The national broadcasting
Company
56
00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:44,162
I, uh, have your exams,
Everyone.
57
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,597
But you didn't
Grade these.
58
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,799
Oh, man, he's not even
Grading them anymore.
59
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,734
Well, is there anyone here
60
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,969
Who thinks
They might have passed?
61
00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,338
Yeah. All right, then,
62
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,341
The important thing
Is that stapled to each exam
63
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,777
Is an invitation
To my birthday party.
64
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,245
You're inviting us
To your party?
65
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,881
I didn't even think
You liked us.
66
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,950
Oh, bug.
67
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:07,352
I don't.
I like presents.
68
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:10,121
Keep in mind,
I will be aware
69
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,623
Of any no-shows.
70
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,125
You know,
Dr. Solomon,
71
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,627
This could be
Interpreted
As blackmail.
72
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,196
Uh, no, caryn.
73
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,798
It's extortion.
74
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,967
He's a professor.
He can't control
Our social lives.
75
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,202
So will you be there,
Pitman?
76
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,271
Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss it.
77
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,476
[audience applauds
And cheers]
78
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,186
Eh--eh--
Have you been here
All semester?
79
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:43,121
Oh, no.
I'm mrs. Everly,
80
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,755
And this is my son ned.
81
00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:46,224
We're auditing your class.
82
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,325
I wasn't informed.
83
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,527
Oh, my goodness,
You're smart.
84
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:50,662
Oh.
85
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,165
Oh, my goodness,
You're perceptive.
86
00:03:53,167 --> 00:03:55,167
Everyone told us
What a genius you are,
87
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,734
And, boy,
Were they right.
88
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,670
You're very unusual.
89
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:01,139
Mama likes
The unusual.
90
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:04,042
Oh, now, ned,
Let's not bore
The great man.
91
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,577
Well, I hope
To see you again.
92
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,078
You can count on it.
93
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,247
[bell rings]
94
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,249
Ok, people,
Your assignment is
95
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,219
To discuss what gifts
You will be buying
For me.
96
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,787
And--and, seriously,
97
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,289
Try to top each other,
98
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:18,390
Can you?
99
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,531
Hi. Is dr. Solomon in?
100
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,600
Why, yes, I am.
101
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,901
Dr. dick solomon.
102
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,703
Oh, that dr. Solomon.
103
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,671
He's not your type.
104
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:36,874
I'm from the pendleton
Fax line maintenance
Department.
105
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,710
Don't you mean
You're a phone guy?
106
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,446
He knows what he is.
107
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:45,617
The fax machine
Would be here
In my office.
108
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,652
Where I am.
109
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,554
Thanks.
110
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:53,124
How do I look?
111
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,892
Lose the sweater.
112
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,167
This is for you.
113
00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:05,236
It's an invitation
To my surprise
Birthday party.
114
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,171
If you're handing out
Invitations,
115
00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:08,473
How can it be a surprise?
116
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,908
Mary, it won't be
117
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,510
If you keep waving
The invitation around.
118
00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:14,913
Now, put that someplace
Where I won't see it.
119
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:15,913
Nina!
120
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:18,250
Oh, uh, nina,
This is for you.
121
00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:20,252
You must be dr. Solomon.
122
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:22,754
Yes. Would you
Like to come
To my surprise party?
123
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,423
Don't you have somewhere
You have to be?
124
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:26,791
No.
125
00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:30,762
Mama!
126
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,263
I found his door.
127
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,167
Good.
128
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,270
That must be
His desk.
129
00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:40,272
Ned, get mama
A chair.
130
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:42,207
Ok, mama.
131
00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:43,775
May I help you?
132
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,376
No, you can't.
133
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:50,682
Ned, honey,
Go back to the motel
And wait.
134
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,318
I'm going
To the motel now.
135
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,986
That's nice.
136
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:57,989
I'm going! I'm going!
137
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,492
Well, mrs. Everly,
Hello.
138
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:02,494
Oh, please call me
Charlotte.
139
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,529
All right.
Charlotte.
140
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:07,866
Dr. Solomon,
I have a confession.
141
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,135
I'm not some housewife
Auditing a class.
142
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,436
You're not?
143
00:06:11,438 --> 00:06:12,637
No. I'm a reporter
144
00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:13,905
From the cleveland plain dealer,
145
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,306
And I want to do
A story on you.
146
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,974
On me?
147
00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,143
Yes, you see,
Every year a do a piece
On greatness.
148
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,946
Ha ha ha ha ha!
149
00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,116
Sorry.
150
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,619
I've done all sorts
Of research on you,
151
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:30,321
And frankly, I'm impressed.
Will you grant me
An interview?
152
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:33,825
All right.
But I must ask you
To limit your discussion
153
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,326
To my greatness.
154
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,228
Uh, nina.
155
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,296
What?!
156
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,731
I'm going to lunch now.
157
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,732
Then go.
158
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,233
Come along, charlotte.
159
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,736
As to greatness,
I find that
Some are born great,
160
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,237
Some achieve greatness,
161
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,939
And some
Thrust their greatness
Upon others.
162
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,545
Ok, so we got
10 of those.
163
00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:57,448
Just bring the chairs back
When your party's over.
164
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,017
What?
These are not chairs.
165
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,451
They're folding chairs.
166
00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:02,254
Aah!
167
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,689
Uh, I got a folding table
If you need it.
168
00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:07,058
A folding table!
169
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,894
Get outta town!
170
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,864
Well, you could always
Use it for the bar.
171
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,299
Bar? Why do we
Need a bar?
172
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:17,235
Well, it's a party,
You know.
You gotta serve drinks,
173
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,603
Liquor, whatnot.
174
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:21,606
Ok. Booze.
How much do we get?
175
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:25,109
I always figure
3/4 of an ounce of liquor
176
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:27,178
Per 10 pounds of guest.
177
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,148
Now, for a 200-pound man,
You're gonna need
178
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,550
About a half a quart
Of vodka.
179
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,218
Great. Now I gotta
Call everybody
180
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,154
To ask them
How much they weigh.
181
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,056
Put me down
At 300 pounds.
182
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,060
Well, I...
183
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,829
I'm big-boned.
184
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,868
Believe me when I say
185
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,436
I know a lot.
186
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,472
Some of it
I don't dare teach.
187
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:54,873
It's a terrible dilemma.
188
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,374
My students are slow,
189
00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:58,877
And I am
Incredibly smart.
190
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,913
Shouldn't you be
Writing this down?
It's really good.
191
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:06,351
I have a confession
To make.
192
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,852
I'm not a reporter.
193
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,020
You're not?
194
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,588
Oh, please forgive me.
195
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,524
I'm just
One of those people
196
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,092
Who craves being around
Personal excellence.
197
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,662
I guess you could say
I'm the intellectual
Equivalent
198
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,064
Of a rock 'n' roll groupie.
199
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,164
Ohh...Well,
200
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,132
That's ok.
201
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:23,068
I've always
Thought of myself
202
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:25,737
As the intellectual
Equivalent of
Rod stewart.
203
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,440
So have I. Ever since
I read your essay
204
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:30,942
In the university paper.
205
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,945
My open letter to former
Transportation secretary
Frederico peña
206
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:36,447
About the benefits
Of time travel?
207
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,650
That's the one.
And I thought,
208
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:41,419
How did this brilliant mind
Suddenly appear
Out of nowhere
209
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,987
In the middle of ohio?
210
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:45,256
That's when I knew
I had to come and find you.
211
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,825
You know something,
Charlotte?
212
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,828
I'm having a surprise
Birthday party
Tomorrow night.
213
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:54,232
Why don't you come?
And--and buy me
Something nice.
214
00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:59,304
Well, what do I get
For the man
Who knows everything?
215
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,406
Cashmere underpants.
216
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:08,413
You see, what I would do
Is cut up some vegetables
217
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,716
And then hollow out
A pretty red cabbage
And put your dip in it.
218
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,984
It's genius!
219
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,520
Oh, charlotte,
Thank god you stopped by.
220
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,255
Where did dick
Find you?
221
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,257
Hey. What's ned doing?
222
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,993
Heh heh.
223
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,996
He probably just smells
Peanut butter.
224
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,498
Yeah, yeah.
I'm the same way.
225
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,001
Charlotte.
What are you
Doing here?
226
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,169
Only saving our butts.
227
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,070
Yeah. Mrs. Dubcek,
She was our party
Expert,
228
00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:34,772
But she's gone and
Disappeared on us.
229
00:09:34,774 --> 00:09:37,007
But god sent us down
This angel.
230
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,576
Oh, hush, now.
231
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,713
I'm just doing my part
To celebrate
A great man's birthday.
232
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:45,883
Just when I think
You're too good
To be true, you are.
233
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,219
Mama.
234
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,321
They don't have a sofa.
235
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:56,427
Well, anyway,
She knows everything
About organizing a party.
236
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:59,364
Oh, yeah. Tell him
About that soup mix
With the sour cream.
237
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,599
Oh, now, it's on
The back of the packet.
238
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,702
They put your recipe
On the back
Of the packet?
239
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,169
She's been published!
240
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:07,038
I can't believe
You're all
241
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,973
Putting my
Number-one fan
To work.
242
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:11,476
Oh...Pish tosh.
243
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:15,113
I have a confession.
244
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:20,251
Before I came here,
I was social director
For carnival cruise lines,
245
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:25,189
And...If only I had a list
So I'd know how many people
Were coming.
246
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:30,028
We have such a list.
247
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,696
A guest list.
248
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,499
Harry, go get it!
It's in the other room!
249
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,876
You know,
I don't get to say this
250
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,344
To a lot of people,
But...
251
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,980
I'm smarter than you.
252
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,454
Hello, bug?
253
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,489
Yes, uh,
I'm calling to tell you
254
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,391
That dr. Solomon's party
Has been canceled.
255
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:04,896
He has a terrible case
Of diarrhea and he wants
Everyone to know.
256
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,998
Yes. Bye-bye.
257
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,499
Have you got everything?
258
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,600
Yes, mama.
259
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:10,601
Good boy.
260
00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:12,103
[thumping]
261
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,371
Hey, you!
262
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,373
Charlotte:
Titty titty bang bang.
263
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,177
One more noise
Out of you
264
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,613
And ned here
Will pop your neck
Like a pencil.
265
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:24,816
I got my eye on you.
266
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,187
Ooh.
267
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,888
I got you something.
268
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:32,356
Happy birthday.
269
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:35,293
Don't you want to
Give that to me later,
270
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,395
Should some sort of...
Party arise?
271
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,064
I got a message
The party was canceled.
272
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:41,231
Right.
273
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:42,333
Very good.
274
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,268
I got that message, too.
275
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:48,339
Mm. So I guess
I won't be seeing
Either of you
276
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,874
Around, uh, 7:00-ish?
277
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,309
That's right.
278
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,877
Good. Good.
279
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:54,512
Oh, oh, and by the way,
280
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,413
Don't forget to park
Where I can't see
Your car.
281
00:11:56,415 --> 00:11:57,748
Not a problem.
282
00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:01,852
Yep. I'll never
See it coming.
283
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:09,094
Well, well, here I am.
284
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,663
Home at last.
285
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,433
Hello!
286
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:19,070
Anybody ho-o-ome?!
287
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,438
I guess I'm here
288
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:38,990
All alo-one!
289
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,728
[drill buzzes]
290
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,029
Mama.
291
00:12:45,031 --> 00:12:46,397
He's comin' around.
292
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,899
Uh--uh, charlotte,
293
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,266
Uh, wh-wh-what
Are you doing?
294
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:51,302
Well, first we're gonna
Cut your head open.
295
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,937
What? Why?!
296
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:53,871
Oh, I don't know.
297
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,439
Could it possibly be
Because
298
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,374
You're an alien?!
299
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:57,441
Alien?
300
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,510
[high-pitched
Nervous laugh]
Ha ha ha ha!
301
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,945
That's funny.
302
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,414
You're a very funny
Woman. Ha ha ha...
303
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,916
You think I'm stupid?
304
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,218
I've been watching you
For over a year now,
305
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,786
And all signs
Point to alien.
306
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,722
W-well,
Don't some signs
307
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:14,192
Point to eccentric
Or dutch or something?
308
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:18,229
There are powerful
Electromagnetic signals
Coming from this house.
309
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:21,599
Oh, we've been
Microwaving
With the door open.
310
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:24,769
There's a transmitter
Here somewhere.
311
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,337
And we can't find it.
312
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,573
I have a theory
It's installed
313
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,641
Inside of you.
314
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:30,642
[drill buzzes]
315
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:33,211
Help! Help!
Help! Help! He--
316
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,145
Don: hello?
317
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:36,214
Hello! Is anybody home?
318
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,449
Damn! Go see who that is.
319
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:43,153
Hi.
320
00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,722
Who are you?
321
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:47,158
Uh...
322
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,927
Mama, there's
A policeman out here.
323
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:51,796
Hello, officer.
324
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,198
Hi. Uh, you two
Here for the party?
325
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,700
Oh, didn't you
Get a call?
326
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:57,168
No. When's it start?
327
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,670
You know,
I'm on duty.
328
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:02,773
I'm only gonna have time
For, like 2 or 3 drinks.
329
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,342
Where is everybody?
330
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,810
Well, it's a surprise party,
331
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:08,179
So everybody's hiding
Down in the basement.
332
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,347
Oh. Ha ha ha!
333
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,415
Ha ha ha ha.
334
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:11,449
Ha ha.
335
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:16,454
You're who again?
336
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:17,521
Oh.
337
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,522
Catering.
338
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,523
[snaps rubber glove]
339
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,058
Ah! Ha ha ha...
340
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,526
Come on, let's go!
341
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,962
Oh, ok.
342
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:24,962
After you.
343
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:27,331
No, after you.
344
00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,767
Yaaahh!
345
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:36,374
Wow. I haven't been
Drugged and tied
Up like this
346
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,775
Since valentine's day.
347
00:14:39,178 --> 00:14:41,412
Ohh!
348
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:42,513
It's don!
He's captured them
349
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:43,814
And come to rescue us.
350
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:48,753
Oh...
351
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:52,056
Why does he
Have to be so tired?
352
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,591
Tommy: all right,
That is it!
353
00:14:54,593 --> 00:14:55,793
What is going on here?
354
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,195
Like you don't know.
355
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,696
I just wish I knew
356
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,764
Which one of you
Has the transmitter.
357
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:03,367
That's the head
I really want to cut open.
358
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:06,471
♪ la la la... ♪
359
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,430
[telephone rings]
360
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,831
I'll get it.
361
00:15:35,701 --> 00:15:36,968
Mary albright's office.
362
00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:39,837
Mmmph! Mmphmmphh!
363
00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:40,838
Oh, yeah.
364
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,607
Oh, baby.
Mmmphhgghh!
365
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,708
Mmphhhgh!
I'm hot now.
366
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:46,477
Do me.
Mmmphh!
367
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,145
Mmmphhh!
Do me all night.
368
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:49,713
Aahmmphhh!
369
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,917
I know it's you, dick.
370
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:57,221
[muffled] Damn!
371
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:59,156
That was dick?
372
00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:02,626
Yes, with his typical
Sick, pathetic
Cry for attention.
373
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,562
Oh, god,
It is his birthday,
374
00:16:05,564 --> 00:16:07,565
And his party
Was canceled.
375
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:11,068
I think I'm just gonna bring
His present on over there.
376
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:12,503
I'll go with you.
377
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,005
I want to see
The look on his face
378
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:16,406
When I tell him
I didn't get him
Anything.
379
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:22,446
Dialing the phone
With your nose.
380
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,615
A classic alien maneuver.
381
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,220
Once I'm done with you,
Everyone will know the truth.
382
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:30,654
Go on, admit it.
You're aliens!
383
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:31,822
No!
384
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,757
Oh, well, maybe
I'm just wasting my time
385
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:34,992
With you, then.
386
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,228
Maybe I'll just
Go down there
To the basement
387
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,662
And crack open
That big blonde's head.
388
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,399
Uh--no! No! No! Wait!
389
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,868
All right,
I admit it.
I'm an alien.
390
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:46,337
I knew it.
391
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,771
But I'm the only one.
392
00:16:47,773 --> 00:16:49,773
The other three
Are innocent bystanders.
393
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,775
Do what you will
With me!
394
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:55,279
Which I hope
Is a severe scolding.
395
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,747
But spare them!
396
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:57,781
I don't think so.
397
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,783
Why are you doing this?
398
00:16:59,785 --> 00:17:01,785
We come in peace!
We mean you no harm.
399
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,354
No harm?
400
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,789
I'm well aware
Of what your kind does.
401
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,791
Harvesting eggs
For your slave race,
402
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,793
Sucking the life
From the innocent,
403
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:12,896
Probing the butt
Of the poor american
Farmer!
404
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,700
We never do any of that.
405
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:20,237
Well, there was
This one farmer
Near akron.
406
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:21,305
You know...
407
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:24,175
But he was asking for it!
408
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,643
I've heard enough!
Cork him!
409
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,979
No! No! Please!
Let me--aah--
410
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:29,213
Dr. Solomon?
411
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:30,681
Dr. Solomon?
412
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:31,748
Excuse me.
413
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:33,317
What are you doing here?
414
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:36,320
I called you and told you
There was no party.
415
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:37,421
Yeah, I know.
416
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:38,922
But sometimes dr. Solomon
417
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:40,924
Will do things
To trick me,
418
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:42,426
And then he yells at me.
419
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:43,795
Uh, you know,
420
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,997
All the other guests
Are hiding in the basement,
421
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,431
So come on, let's go.
422
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,533
I knew
There was a party. Oh.
423
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:51,001
Oh, no, no.
After you.
424
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:53,838
Mary: hello!
425
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,340
I thought we were
Going downstairs.
426
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,408
Not just yet.
427
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,710
Oh, I left my gift
In the car.
428
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:00,777
I'll be right back.
429
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:01,946
Shouldn't we be
Getting to the basement?
430
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,948
Uh...
Before we go down,
431
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,115
How about a nice
Glass of wine?
432
00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:06,684
Yeah.
All right.
433
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,353
Honey, get that
Special bottle
Out of my bag.
434
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:11,522
Come on, everybody,
Into the kitchen.
435
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,024
Let's move it!
Grab your glass!
436
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,091
I don't have all day.
437
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,694
I think
You'll like this.
438
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,228
It's
A very good year.
439
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,164
I'm afraid
I don't like red wine.
440
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,666
I love it.
441
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:24,702
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
442
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,570
Pour hers first.
443
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,507
Don't we need
A toast?
444
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:31,675
All right.
445
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:33,410
Here's a toast
To happy birthdays.
446
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,946
Happy birthdays!
Happy birthdays!
447
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:40,350
Hmm.
448
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,219
What's that aftertaste?
449
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,891
Mary: hello! I'm back!
450
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,793
Oh, crap!
451
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:52,997
Did everyone
Go downstairs?
452
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:56,000
Oh, they went down,
All right.
453
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,667
Shut up, honey.
454
00:18:57,669 --> 00:18:59,203
Where's
The birthday boy?
455
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:00,470
Oh, he's late.
456
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:01,671
Of course.
457
00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:04,307
How about a glass of wine
While you're waiting?
458
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:08,679
It's so nice of you
To help out, charlotte.
459
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,214
Mm.
460
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:12,483
Dick's late.
461
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:13,684
That's typical.
462
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:19,457
He plans his own
Surprise party,
463
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,425
And then
It's called off,
464
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:22,826
And then
It's back on.
465
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:30,668
I guess we don't know
Whether it's on or off!
466
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:34,438
Mmm. This is screw-top.
This is good.
467
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:43,547
If dick's not here
In 15 minutes,
I am leaving.
468
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,749
When a man doesn't have
The common courtesy to--
469
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:46,984
Ooh!
470
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,387
It's official.
471
00:19:50,389 --> 00:19:53,390
This is the worst party
I've ever been to.
472
00:19:54,393 --> 00:19:55,493
Sally!
473
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,995
Stand with me
If you can.
474
00:19:57,997 --> 00:19:59,463
Uhh! Uhh!
475
00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:01,965
I have a--a jackknife
In my pocket.
476
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,302
If you can reach it,
We can cut through
These ropes.
477
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:05,303
All right.
478
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,771
Harry, lean to your left.
479
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:07,772
Ok.
480
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:09,339
Sally, turn right.
Turn right.
481
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:10,875
All right. And it's--
482
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,077
Can you feel it?
It's right where
Your hand is.
483
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,579
I can't reach it.
484
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:16,513
Keep trying.
You're almost there.
485
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:17,648
All right. Yeah.
486
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,550
Yeah. Oh. Oh.
487
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,485
Ok, careful, sally,
That's not...
488
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:22,486
Uh...
489
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,487
Oh...
490
00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:24,488
Ohh...
491
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,156
Ooh, boy.
492
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,758
I got it.
493
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,632
Well, don't just
Stand there.
Cut us out.
494
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,068
You know,
495
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,004
I've never been
In a hostage situation
Before,
496
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:44,574
But I think you should be
Ashamed of yourself.
497
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:48,612
[buzzing]
498
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,415
Oh, my god, dick!
499
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,582
Oh, god!
Oh, my god!
500
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,451
Stand back
Or the spaceman gets it!
501
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:56,454
Freeze, everybody!
Oh, my god!
502
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,521
Fbi! Freeze!
503
00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:58,522
Ned: mama.
504
00:20:58,524 --> 00:20:59,823
Put those two
In cuffs.
505
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:01,124
Somebody untie that man.
506
00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:03,493
Charlotte:
No! Don't you understand?
507
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:05,062
He's one of them!
508
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,397
Let me open him up.
You'll see he's an alien.
509
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:09,399
Yeah, right, charlotte.
So were the other 8
You cut up.
510
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:11,735
Ok, fine.
But this one is.
511
00:21:11,737 --> 00:21:13,003
He admitted it.
512
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,072
I know where you live.
513
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,407
You can't hide!
514
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:17,407
Aliens!
515
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:20,176
Aliens!
516
00:21:23,216 --> 00:21:25,148
Aliens, huh?
517
00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:26,316
[all laughing]
518
00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:28,352
Yeah.
519
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:30,487
That's the dumbest thing
I ever heard!
520
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:35,526
Captioning made possible by
Carsey-werner productions and
The national broadcasting
Company
521
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:41,031
You know,
I couldn't help but notice
You federal boys
522
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:44,535
Left a crucial
Piece of evidence
At the crime scene.
523
00:21:44,537 --> 00:21:45,569
The gnome.
524
00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:47,004
The gnome?
525
00:21:47,006 --> 00:21:48,806
Yeah. The blunt instrument.
526
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,608
And local boy donnie
Picked it up for you.
527
00:21:50,610 --> 00:21:53,143
Yep. Just covering
Your ass.
528
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,413
Captioning performed by
The national captioning
Institute, inc.
529
00:21:56,415 --> 00:21:58,515
Shall we steal
The car, mama?
530
00:21:58,517 --> 00:21:59,516
No, honey.
531
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,752
That would be wrong.
532
00:22:01,754 --> 00:22:06,557
Public performance of captions
Prohibited without permission of
National captioning institute
37562
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