All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S02E14 - Romeo & Juliet & Dick (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

- dick, I need a favor.
- uh, not now, tommy.

I'm doing research.
I'm finding out what happens
When the spit hits the fan.

No, dick, look,

This is important.

- take a look at this.
- actors on acting?

Yeah. You know how
You're always trying
To find new ways

To explore
The human feelings?

Ah, “using your
Emotional memory,
The search for emotional truth

Will stimulate
Your emotional juices.”

“emotional juices”?

I love my juices.
This is exciting!

Yeah, I knew you'd like it.
That's why I volunteered you
To direct our school play.

- me, direct? As in, control?
- yeah, it's romeo and juliet.

August wants to play juliet,
And if you direct, you can
Cast me as romeo.

I'll do it!

That's so great,
'cause there are some
Major make-out scenes.

And also some really
Powerful emotional stuff.

I get to die.

I can just see it now
On the marquee--

“dick solomon directs
A dick solomon production

Of dick solomon's
romeo and juliet.”

- yeah, whatever.
- hmm.

“naturally, an actor
Must play the truth
Of the scene

And not indulge
In emotion for its own sake.”

Well, anyone knows that.

I didn't know
You were interested
In acting.

Well, yes, I am,
But what I really
Want to do is direct.

I'm not saying
That I couldn't act.

I could be very convincing.
Light comedy--

( forced laughter )

Horror--
( hysterical screaming )

Tragedy.
( sobbing )

- morning.
- look, mary!

I'm distraught!

Or am I?

- okay. You have
A registered letter.
- oh, what is it?

Damn, damn, damn!

I owe $1,500
In parking tickets.

So they finally
Caught up with you.

Guess I'll have
To dip into my savings.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't
Bear to let you do that.
I'll pay them.

- you will?
- no. I'm acting!

( '50s rock music playing )

( mouthing words )

Man on videotape:
lo, and resolve itself...

Dick!
Dick, guess what?

Ms. Dubcek's giving me
All her old junk.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got
Some friends dropping by
I haven't seen in 10 years.

I'm cleaning out
The place.

There's some
Really great
Stuff in here.

Dr. Solomon,
If you want to come down,

- I'll let you rummage
Through my tchotchkes.
- oh, I'm--

I'm flattered, mrs. Dubcek,
But I think of you
More as a friend.

- what are you watching?
- oh, it's hamlet
With lawrence “oliver.”

I've watched it
Three times already.

Huh. I like the way
He makes his voice

- go up and down like that.
- I know.

It makes everything
He says sound so...

Fruity?

- no, important!
- oh.

Hey, guys. You still
Watching that stuff?

It's not “stuff,”
It's hamlet.

Yeah, but why do they
Have to talk that way?
I can't follow the story.

hamlet?
The story is
As old as time.

Pretty-boy son
Has a rich daddy
And a good-looking mommy.

The uncle
Knocks off daddy,
Marries mommy,

And he cuts pretty boy
Out of the action.

So junior goes crazy
And he kills them all.

Not a pretty story,
But there it is.

Isn't that the plot
To the lion king?

Oh, please!

- I need your help, don.
I'm in a bit of a scrape.
- figures.

Dames like you
Always attract trouble.

I got another
Parking ticket.
Can you fix it, don, or...

Am I leaning
Too hard?

Go ahead
And lean, baby.

- don'll make
The ticket go away.
- ( gasps )

You can make
Parking tickets
Disappear?

Of course he can.
Don has connections
Downtown.

I have a friend who has
Some parking tickets.

- I can't always--
- don can fix it, right?

- well, uh--
- right?

- sure.
- oh, this is just great!

Oh, I can't wait
To tell mary.

Some of you
Will not be cast.

Those will be
The lucky ones.

Over the long and grueling
Rehearsal period,

I will be your director,
Your teacher, your mentor,

Your mother, your father,
Your lover!

My assistant, nina,
Will read your names.

- nina?
- okay, um,

Timothy mafferty--
He's reading mercutio.

( clears throat )
“true, I talk
Of dreams, which--

Yes, yes, yes,
Of course.

But have you
Tried it like this?

Make your voice go high,
And then suddenly

Bring it down.

Here.
“true, I speak of dreams
Which are but children

Of an idle
( low register )
Brain,

Begot of nothing
But vain fan...

( low register )
...Tasies.”

From now on,
I want everyone to
Try to speak that way.

Oh, oh, and use
Your hands a lot.

We're acting.
Remember that.

Remind me never
To ask you for
Another favor again.

- you weren't right
For the role.
- hey, how'd the audition go?

I lost the part.
The director didn't think
I was good enough.

You were good.
You had delivery,
Presence, timing.

You just didn't have
That indefinable
Something extra.

I was just trying to score
Some points with my girlfriend.
Is that too much to ask?

romeo and juliet
Is a shakespearian tragedy.

It has nothing to do
With a horny teenager
And his girlfriend.

Go ahead,
Dr. Albright.

Hello, don. Dr. Solomon
Thought you might be able
To help me with this.

Well, I have been known
To bend a few--

( gasps )
You have $1,500 in fines.

- and, poof, they're gone.
- I can't “poof”
This many tickets.

One more, and she'd
Be in handcuffs.

- I was going to pay them.
- what happened?

I didn't.

Well, maybe if you got
A lenient judge,

He might reduce
The fine.

Your court date is
On the 27th.

Twenty-seventh--
Oh.

Judge debelko.

- sounds bad. Is it bad?
- it's bad.

You'd be better off
With judge conti.

Now, when I go to court,
Should I apologize

To judge conti
Or just show some remorse?

Actually, it might
Be helpful if you'd
Show some cleavage.

- he can't be serious.
- trust me.

We're gonna paint your face
And hike your puppies.
I know what I'm doing.

- right don?
- ( chuckling )

“o romeo, romeo,
Wherefore art thou”--

Yes, yes.
Very lovely.

Darling, what are you playing?
Fear, love, lust?

Because the audience
Is playing boredom.

I'm playing juliet,

- and it's really hard for me
To concentrate when you--
- props? Where's props?

- what?
- this candlestick

Is 18th-century
English.

- shakespeare was english.
- true.

But the play
Is set in verona.

Please, tommy,
I'm struggling to wring
A performance out of this

Ragtag company of mannequins
From the junior miss department.

I can't do your job too.
In the future I suggest
You leave it lay.

Now, everyone
Watch once again
As I act out the play

In its entirety.

Nina, nina,
Read me in.

Curtain rises.
A big, pompous blowhard

Flounces
Onto the stage.

Listen,
I'm really sorry

You had to be
The prop guy,
'cause, you know,

If you were cast
As romeo,

We could have done
Some serious making out.

We-- we could make out
Right now.

With the prop guy?
Ha! Sorry.

Hey, what you makin'?

An authentic
Renaissance
Sleeping potion.

Now I just have to find
An 15th-century
Italian vial.

Oh. Well, I find
Galileo “vile.”

Well, this is
The final box.

- I am beat.
- oh, thank you.
You want some juice?

Oh, please. I'll have to
Introduce you to my friends
When they drop by.

They're lovely,
Very nice.

There's diane
And her husband

And jimmy.

Jimmy's an old flame.
I knew he'd come back
For more.

come back
for more what?

I said, “come back
For more what?”

- ( screaming )
- what happened?

Oh, great!
You let her
Drink the prop?

Well, at least
We know it works.

I beg for justice,
Which thou, prince,
Must give.

Romeo slew tybalt,
Romeo must not live.

No, no, no, no,
No, no, no, no,

No, no, no!

You are lady capulet.

Your kinsman tybalt
Has been killed!
He's dead!

You're asking for justice,
Not extra pickles on your
Happy burger. Justice!

You're supposed to act!
Now bleed! Just act!
Now act!

- I can't act, dr. Solomon.
- yes, you can!

I can't--
I can't act.

Do your lines.
Now, now!

I beg for justice,

Which thou, prince,
Must give.

Romeo slew tybalt,

Romeo must not live.

I want everyone
To take a good look
At cheryl,

Because cheryl

Is an actor.

Hello?
Damn it, voice mail.

- ( beeps )
- hello, dr. Albright?

This is sergeant--

This is a friend
With a message.

Don't come to court today.
There's been a change in plans.

Next,
Dr. Mary albright?

Here, your honor.

Sally, didn't you
Get my messages?

- what messages?
- they switched judges.
I've been calling all morning.

You're charged with $1,500
In outstanding fines.

- how do you plead?
- all I can say

Is I'm so sorry,

And I throw myself
On the mercy of the court.

Really.

Dr. Albright, will you
Please approach this bench?

You have a very big bench.

I don't know
What this little
Charade is about.

- we're trying to influence you.
- sergeant, please remove
That woman.

Doesn't he know who you are?
You have a gun, don!
Use it!

Dr. Albright, you have
Influenced this court.

- really?
- I am fining you
The full amount

Plus court costs

Plus $500 for contempt.
Next.

- but, your honor--
- next.

Thank you so much!

The one time that I can help
The woman I love, and your
Friend don falls through!

It was just an ironic
Twist of fate.
Don't blame don.

I don't want you hanging
Around that police station
Any more, you hear me?

- fine, I'll go to his place.
- oh, no, you won't.

- oh, yes, I will!
- you hold it right there.
I'm not finished with you yet.

Oh, uh, hey,
Mrs. Dubcek,
Would you mind--

( gasps )
My god, she's dead!

Oh, what is it?
Oh, her.

- she's not dead.
- but she's cold.
She's not breathing.

Oh, you guys.
She's fine.

She drank the potion.

The sleeping potion?
From romeo and juliet?

Well, guess we can take her
Downstairs until she comes to.

Here, harry, get her feet.
Sally, help with the door.

Woman:
hi, baby, it's us!

- all: hi!
- get her inside!
Get her inside!

- who are those people?
- oh, well, um,

It's diane
And her husband
And jimmy,

An old flame
Coming back for more.

This is just great!
Didn't you make
An antidote?

Hmm, is there one
In the play?

If they see her like this,
The spit is really
Gonna hit the fan.

- what are we gonna do?
- wait! I have
A brilliant idea.

Harry, did you know
That in a theater
Of shakespeare's day

- the women's roles
Were played by men?
- really?

Yeah, and they
Also tied up bears
And threw rocks at 'em.

( exclaims )

It's the role
Of a lifetime, harry,
An actor's dream.

- come on, let's get her
In the bathroom.
- I don't want to!

Dick, you can't pass
Harry off as mrs. Dubcek!
They'll know!

Ah! You forget,
They haven't seen her
In over 10 years.

- besides, harry has
A secret weapon.
- what?

A great director!

Hello?
Anybody home?

Uh, no, nobody's here.
Why don't we go into
The living room, okay?

Yeah, this way. Right,
Move along. Faster.

( chuckling )
Okay, right there.

Why don't you take a seat,
Make yourself comfortable?

I can't believe
She got somebody

To pay rent
For this crap-hole.

- yeah, every month.
- yeah,

- and we just love
Mrs. Dubcek.
- ohh.

Even more
Since the accident.

- ( shaver buzzing )
- “accident”?

Yes.
Changed her,
Considerably.

Uh, and, uh,
She refused

The estrogen therapy.

But don't mention it to her.
She's very sensitive.

- is there a bathroom around--
- both: no!

- we use the one
At the gas station.
- yeah.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
Talk to them.

Sally:
what is taking so long?
whoa, mama!

Dick:
do you mind? An actor
needs time to prepare.

Harry:
dick, I don't think
I can do this.

Dick:
show time!
now, let's go.

Oh, and harry,
Remember,

You're going out there
A youngster, but you're
Coming back a star!

Now, let's go.

Mamie, honey!

Well,

I see you've met
My tenants.

Oh, uh, we love
Mrs. Dubcek.

- hi, mamie.
- lovely tattoo.
Very nice.

I don't blame you
For being distant,

Not after what
We went through.

She and jimmy
Used to be engaged.

Oh, you're jimmy!

She mentioned you
Just the other evening.

I just wanted
To say thanks

For kicking me out
All those years ago.

That was the wake-up call
That finally got me
Off the sauce.

- aww!
- that's so sweet.

Forgive me?

Sure.

Stop it, stop it,
Stop it!

- ( groans )
- uh, uh--

I'm sorry.
She had something
Crawling up her chin.

Why don't you all
Go downstairs

And, uh, get
Reacquainted?

Mrs. Dubcek,
There we are.

Bye, bye, now.
Bye, bye.
Bye, bye, now.

Manhandle me again,

And you'll answer
To jimmy.

We are breathing,
We are breathing.

- ( inhaling )
- all right!

Which one of you
Jamokes is solomon?

- that would be I.
- you're out.

- out? Who are you?
- I'm coach mafferty.

My wife's with the p.T.A.

And there's a lot of
Complaints that these kids
Are coming home

With low self-esteem,
And they're wetting their beds
And stuff like that.

- so you're looking
At the new director!
- this is unacceptable.

- sorry, spielberg,
You're out.
- ( cheering softly )

No, no.
Do not weep for me.

I humbly quit the stage.

No, no,
No tears.

The theater is
A cruel mistress.

adieu, adieu.
Remember me.

( blowing whistle )
Okay, kids,
Let's huddle up.

Let's back it up to,
“I pray you, good mercutio,
Let's retire.”

Okay, now, who's
Playing mercutio?

Uh, coach mafferty,
If I may,

I think there
Is someone here
Who can play mercutio.

Aah!
I am hurt!

Aye, aye,
A scratch, a scratch.

Marriage is enough.
'twill serve.

Ask for me tomorrow
And you will find me

A grave
( low register )
Man.

Romeo,
Brave mercutio
Is dead.

A plague o'
Both your houses,

For they have made
Worms' meat...

Of me-e-e!

- romeo--
- I have it,

And soundly too.

Your... Houses!

( coughing )

I'm dead now.

Well, here it is--
The review in my
High school paper.

The review?
( reading quickly )

Ah, ah, ah.

“dick solomon's
Over-the-top
Performance

Gave new meaning
To the word 'tragedy.'"

I have redefined
My art,

- and so I retire.
- no!

No, no, please, please.
To go any further would
Jeopardize the mission.

Tommy, hang up
My codpiece.

Dick, I'm not your
Prop lackey anymore.

Besides, as of next month,
Your codpiece turns into
Sancho panza's hat.

I wonder
What don's doing?

“don.” I never want
To hear the name “don”
Mentioned in this house again.

Now, that's
An order!

- hi, there.
- ( all gasp )

What am I doing
On the roof?

You know, we were
About to ask you
The same thing.

- yeah.
- you should be inside.
Mrs. Dubcek, let us help you.

Oh, don, don.

Why should the name “don”
Make dick so angry?

- don: sally.
- who's there?

I would tell you,
but my name is so
offensive to your family

I dare not
Speak it aloud.

Don, if they found you,

There's no telling
What they'd do to you.

I'm okay.
I have night's cloak

To hide me
From their eyes.

And if thou love me,
Let them find me here.

My life were better
Ended by their hate,

Than death prolonged

Wanting of thy love.

Wow, that's
So romantic.

Ah, well,

I wrote it myself.

I've asked you back here
For a reason.

you seem like an intelligent
woman, so I'm going to
make you an offer.

I will lower the fines,
Remove the contempt charge,

And eliminate
The court costs
On one condition--

You have to promise me
That you will spend

The weekend with me
At a hotel in chicago.

- the ambassador east?
- the sheraton.

No.