All language subtitles for Swedish Dicks - 02x04 - Floyd Cal Who_track3_[eng]

[Axel]
Oh, what have we done, Sun?

[Sun]
Calm down, asshole.

Floyd Calhoun?

Yeah.

I can't be Floyd Calhoun.

I'm Axel.

No, you Floyd.

-Calhoun?
-Mm-hmm.

From Florida?
I mean, come on.

Get used to it.

I had to do much worse.

Maybe I should just
go back to Sweden.

Are you stupid?

You overstay your visa.

They arrest you
at the airport.

You could never come back.

But who's going
to believe this?

If you believe it,
they believe it.

Well, I don't believe it.

You believe
I'm Sun, right?

Well, aren't you?

You so naive sometimes, Floyd.

[cell phone rings]

Oh, shit, it's Ingmar.

What... what if he asks?

What's he going to ask?

What my name is
or something.

Then you should lie.

Yes, this is...me.

[Ingmar on phone]
Where are you?

I'm at the office.

Yeah, I'm at the office.

I meant the post office.

We got a meeting
in five minutes.

Do you think
you can make it?

Yeah, I think so.

With who?

With who? I don't know,
you set up the meeting.

Dave Maxwell.

I saw you guys on the cover
of the L.A. Times

when you got that councilman
vindicated.

Are you really that good?

Damn right we are.

[Dave] I like that
entrepreneurship.

I'm going to need you
to bring that mojo for me now,

because I'm trying
to find someone.

Okay. Who do you need
to find?

I don't know,
that's the problem.

I hired a hit man to kill me.

Quick rewind,
I'm an app developer.

I sunk everything I had
into this new dating app.

Two years later, the situation
was pretty bleak.

I didn't have any buzz,
no investors, no nothing.

I was flat broke and suicidal.

Suicidal?

Okay, so you hired a hit man
to kill you?

Yeah.

What else am I supposed to do,
do it myself?

Well, that's kind
of the definition of suicide.

Okay, whatever.

I wanted to die,

but I didn't want to know
where or when.

Brilliant plan, right?

Guess what happens next.

I'm watching TV
late at night,

Richard Simmons is on some
talk show talking up my app.

Oh, you're the STALKR guy?

[Dave]
Oh, you saw it. Yeah.

What, STALKR?

[Sun] It tell you where
your perfect mate is

at any given moment.

[Dave]
Yeah, exactly.

So, Simmons is
talking up my app.

And overnight, it becomes
the number one download.

I've turned the world
into one giant hookup,

and the money
starts rolling in.

Oh, good for you, man.

Yeah, no shit,
good for me.

I totally want to live now.

Yeah, so why don't you just
call off the hit?

I can't get in contact
with the hit man.

I just know
that he's coming for me.

And I need you to find him
before they find me.

Because if that happens,
I'm a dead man.

Okay, but we can't
babysit you 24/7.

I promise I'll behave.

[gulps]

[upbeat music plays
on radio]

Look at her.

Pretty hot, right?

Yeah, very pretty.

Yeah.

Do you guys use STALKR?

No.

Oh, come on, man.

I promise you, you would be
knee-deep in pussy.

Thanks, but I have
a girlfriend.

Well, that's a shame.
What's her name?

Eve.

You got pics?

Well, for some reason

I really don't feel comfortable
sharing those with you.

[scoffs]

Hey, what does she
call your thing?

Excuse me?

Mine's "Sweyn Forkbeard,"

but recently I've been calling
it "Walter White."

Can you please shut up?

Says a lot about a guy,
what he calls his thing.

Come on, Ingmar,
what do you call yours?

"Clyde."

I told you to shut up.

"Vlad the Impaler."

[in Swedish]

[Dave]
What, "Clawhammer"?

[Ingmar]

[Sarah] I'm glad you texted me
about this, Dad.

Did he say where he found
the hit man?

Yeah, it was something
called the Dark Net.

Have you heard
about it?

Sure, everyone has.

The Dark Net is internet
you can't see.

It's only accessible through
certain software applications.

And there are tons of stories
about killers for hire.

Yeah, but are any of them true?

I'm not sure.

We once had a client who knew
a guy who hired someone

to take out his wife
for the insurance.

-Yeah?
-But the hit never happened.

The guy wound up going to jail
for conspiracy,

and the so-called hit man
was never found.

[police siren wails]

Shit.

-[siren beeping]
-[Dave] What?

What, are we in trouble?

I don't know.

-[police radio beeps]
-[chatter over radio]

You're parked in a red zone.

Oh, this isn't my car,
Officer.

Can I see your license, please?

It's not his car.

Okay?

License, please.

"Floyd Calhoun."

-[Axel] Uh-huh.
-You from Florida?

-Yeah.
-What part?

Florida.

I said what part of Florida?

The part is, uh,
right on the border.

The Georgia border?

Yeah.

[in Southern accent]
Just kissing distance

from the great state
of Georgia.

Yeah, my daddy used to call it
"Florija."

"Florija"?

Never heard of that.

Well, you know,
it's Georgia plus Florida.

So...

much obliged.

Please step out
of the car, sir.

-Are you on something, sir?
-Well, I'm on vacation,

if that's what you're
suggesting.

-No, that's not what I--
-[police radio squawks]

Copy that, prowler.
Responding.

On my way.

Make sure this car gets moved,
or you're going to get towed.

I'll be on it faster than
a knife fight in a phone booth.

What the hell was that?

That was you getting me
in trouble with the police.

Oh, me? Good job up there,
Floyd.

[siren wails]

What the hell
was that about?

You parked in a red zone.

Yeah? Who cares?

[Axel]
How'd it go with Sarah?

Dave, you've been duped.

What do you mean?

Well, there's no hit man.
This whole thing is just a scam.

[starts car]

Well, that would be
a relief, but I don't know...

-[gunshots]
-Aah!

[car tires squeal]

You still think I'm full of
shit? What the hell was that?

Well, I'll tell you what it was.
Someone shot my car!

You're a liability, bro.

Hey, don't "bro" me, bro.

I'm the one
getting hunted!

But how the hell
did he find us?

Shut up, huh?

Shut up, all of you!

Too many sounds coming out
of your dumb faces.

Hey, this is you, right?

Yeah.

You logged on to STALKR
right now?

Yeah, I got to represent.

You realize I can go to my phone
and see exactly where you are?

You're on STALKR?

Do you understand
what this means?

This means that the killer
can see where you are as well.

Only my soul mates
can see where I am.

It's fine.

How many soul mates
you have?

4,756.

And counting.

Go and get yourself killed
if you want.

-Come on.
-But I need the Dicks alive.

They're a revenue stream.

-So, what do we do?
-[Sun] I've got an idea.

And you're going to help me.

So, Dave has

4,756 soul mates.

That means 4,756
potential killers.

Sun, we're looking
for a hit man, not a hit lady.

Who says a hit man can't be
a girl, you sexist asshole?

Well, either way,
it's going to take a long time

to investigate
all those soul mates.

We don't have to, huh?

If they can see
where Dave is,

that means we can see
where they are.

Hmm? So we ran all the
soul mates through the computer

to see who was close to him
at the time of the shooting.

Pretty good
detective work, Sun.

Glad you like it,
because you're going

to be the one
that goes on the dates.

Uh, what?

I make a profile for you
on STALKR.

And Dave overrode the system

to make you match
with our suspects.

Yeah, that's a little trick
I use sometimes.

But I made plans
with Eve tonight.

She'll understand.

You're bailing on me so you can
go on a date with another woman?

Well, it's a bunch of women,
actually.

I don't know, it's three?

Five? Oh, uh...

more than five?

But it's completely
a work thing.

I'm going to be honest with you,
Axel.

I don't know
how I feel about this.

[Eve sniffles]

Are you crying?

Yes, Axel.

I'm not going to apologize
for having feelings.

Oh, but-- oh, Eve,
please don't.

What's happening?

What's going on between us,
you know?

I'm here and I'm stuck
in this apartment.

And I feel like things--

I can't hold on
to what's going on.

And you're out there,
and you're living your life,

you know, without me.

Hey, baby,
it's just work.

[Eve sniffles]

I don't know, Axel.

I don't know anymore.

But--
[sighs]

You handled that well.

Shouldn't you be there
for backup?

What are you
talking about?

When Axel meets
with the killers.

Unfortunately, someone needs
to be here and babysit you,

just in case the killer
strikes again.

It's Thor.

Thor?

What you call your thing.
I told you I was gonna guess it.

It's Thor.

Why would I call it Thor?

Because you're Nor-Swe-gian
or whatever.

Look, obvs you're going to name
it after the god of thunder.

I don't have a name for it,
okay?

Look, man, I created the
proprietary algorithm

at the core of the world's
most popular dating app.

You cannot lie to me.

Grendel.

[Axel over earpiece]
So, where are you from?

Oh, all over.

Kind of an Army brat,
you know?

Never really had roots.

Is Floyd your real name?

Yeah. That's a family name.

Except I spell it
with a PH.

-That's weird.
-Yeah, I know, right?

[both laugh]

Do you have any other names
you go by?

Oh, my mom calls me
"Bunny Rabbit."

And my friends call me "Banana,"
you know, like Hannah Banana.

[both laugh]

[Sun]
Get rid of her.

No killer sounds like that.

Uh, listen, Hannah,
I just remembered something.

I'm married.

[Axel and woman laughing]

So, Sweden. I've--

I've never been to Sweden.
What's it like?

It's wonderful.

Amazing food,
so much art and culture.

You know,
friendly people.

Very sensible gun laws.

Slow your roll, Floyd.

-So, what's your favorite color?
-You said something about

-sensible gun laws?
-No, I didn't.

You said Sweden has very
sensible gun laws?

Well, are you into
that sort of thing?

Sweden?

No, guns.

No, not-- not so much.

[sighs]

Cut her loose.

I'm gay.

All right, come on, Ingmar.

You're a bro.

What's the deal?

Like, I got girls,
I got money.

Uh-huh?

Someone's trying to kill me.
That's pretty cool.

Yeah?

I just...

I just feel like
something's missing.

Because you're lost
in a digital world, Dave.

You're nothing but a bunch of
profiles, and emails, Napsters.

You need to be real
and you need to be yourself.

Now where's Dave?

[groans]

Where is Dave?

[groans]

Tell her she looks pretty.

[static crackles]

You look pretty.

Thank you.

So, from out of town?

-[silverware clattering]
-How...

Are you here for a job?

It's nothing much.

And once I get it done,
I'm going to skip town.

But that doesn't mean
I can't have a good time

while I'm here, does it?

This could be her.
Tread carefully.

I really need
to go to the bathroom.

So go. I'll wait.

Don't even think about it,
asshole. Stay with her.

I'm not sure I can do that.

How many coffees have you had?

Nineteen.

What?

Are you having problems?

No!

Ask her where she was today
at 11:00 a.m.

[Axel]
Yes!

Where were you...

At 11:00 a.m. today.

...at 11:00 a.m. today?

Look, I'm going to go.

I don't understand
what this game is.

Are you a hit man?

Oh, great.

What are you talking about?
No.

She says no.

Does she look like
she's lying?

Don't think so.

Bye, Floyd.

All right, how many
do we have left?

That was the last one.

Check, please.

[snoring]

[elevator bangs and creaks]

-[keys rattle]
-[footsteps approach]

[gun cocks]

Hands on your head.

Now turn around
very slowly.

-No, Dad, wait!
-Sarah!

-Hey.
-He's not the killer.

-What's...?
-[Sarah] This is Brad.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Sorry about the gun.
We're a little drunk here.

-Sorry.
-No, that's okay.

I get a little trigger-happy
when I drink, too.

Uh, I assume this is him?

-[snoring]
-[Ingmar] Yeah.

What are you
doing here?

Well, Brad works
at the DA's office.

and he has something
that I think you need to hear.

Like what?

Well, this expert witness heard
from another expert witness

that a known contract killer,
somebody called "The Joe,"

has been spotted
around town.

Joe?

No, it's, uh, "The Joe."

What's the difference?

I mean, you think this might
be our hit man?

Well, he could be.

The Joe is new to the scene, and
he's eager to get the job done,

and he's young and hungry,
so to say.

Well, he should
rethink his name.

-[laughs]
-[Ingmar] Thank you, Brad.

I just wish we knew more.

I think I know who does.

Sure, I know The Joe.
Up-and-comer.

Is it really "The Joe,"
not just "Joe?"

It's "The Joe."
Look, here's the lowdown.

The Joe isn't going to stop
until the mark is dead.

But my client's willing to pay
The Joe double to call it off.

He wants to live now.

It doesn't work that way.
I'm sorry.

The Joe has a contract.
They'll deliver on it.

Okay, so what can I do?

Oh, I hate going
against my own kind.

But we're friends, right?

Right.

Right.

Smoke them out.

Set a trap.

Use the mark as bait.

Then, wham-o.

-Wham-o?
-Wham-o.

You got The Joe.

Right.

I want to smoke him out,
set a trap,

and he will come to us.

This is the perfect place.

Easy in,
and close to the street

so we can get him out
when The Joe arrives.

You've arranged all this?

Yeah, all of it.
It's all been taken care of.

The place,
even the menu.

Everything.

Yeah, with my money.

I want you to think of this
like a dinner party.

Only at this dinner party,
we're going to catch a killer.

So I'm basically the bait
in this scenario?

[Ingmar]
Yeah, you're right.

And I am the fisherman.

Okay, we want you
to reactivate the app.

I don't know. I...

I just-- I really have enjoyed
this time with you all.

Just do it, Dave.

[beeps]

[buzzes]

So that's Brad?

[giggling]

Yes.

Brad.

[Dave]
Yo, Ingmar,

if I die tonight violently
in a hail of bullets,

I just want to thank you
for caring enough

to take this case.

That's what we're here for.

You still won't tell me
what you call your thing.

Overall, these last two days
have been amazing.

And, you know, they got me
thinking about my life.

That's great.

[footsteps approaching]

Doesn't look like
your plan is working.

Well...

Do you have a plan B?

No more water, please.

Yeah, we got a plan B.

No! No, don't shoot!

See? A woman! I told you,
you chauvinist prick.

You don't have to do this.

I will double your fee
to spare me.

-I want to live now.
-That's not how it works.

You don't earn a name
by letting a job go.

And why is it always such
a surprise that I'm a woman?

Because you're The Joe.

Is it short for Joanne,
or Josephine--?

Shut up.

I've got an 11:30 hit
across town.

I'm going to have
to get on this.

Floyd!

Are you having a party?

-[gasps]
-[gunshot]

-[Dave screaming]
-[dishes crash]

[Ingmar]
Hey.

[all panting]

Wait.

Is he dead?

-[Dave groans]
-Aye.

Ingmar, thanks for everything.

You figured out I'm filthy
fucking rich, right?

-Yeah, got that.
-I'm ready to double your fee.

All I need's a name.

My thing?

Come on, man, the name!

You can make
the check out to...

"Sleeping Beauty."

[laughs]

I like that.

All right, man. Hey,
while we still got a moment,

I'm going to give you
a call sometime, man.

I really think we should hang
out in the future.

We're a really good team.

-Hey.
-Oh.

I'm so sorry
for being psycho earlier.

I know that I just--
I have a lot to work on,

and I really hope
that you can forgive me.

Yes, of course. I mean,
I may owe you my life.

[laughs]

Well, for now I'll just
settle for your body.

-Are you coming, Floyd?
-Yep, just give me a sec.

You okay?

Yeah.

And you?

Yeah.

So, see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Oh, one thing, though.

Why does she call you "Floyd"?