All language subtitles for Swedish Dicks - 01x07 - The Curse of the North Korean Curse_track3_[eng]

♪

[Ingmar]
Hollywood Hills.

It wasn't just the home
of the rich and famous.

-It was the home of coyotes.
-[howling]

-And rattlesnakes.
-[hissing]

And the Devil himself,
Dimitri Nobakov...

the man I believed to be
responsible for killing Tex.

And I had that son of a
bitch in my crosshairs.

[indistinct chatter]

All I had to do
was pull the trigger.

[indistinct chatter]

But I couldn' t do it.

Not until I knew for sure.

♪

Shit!

It was at that point
I knew

if I wanted to hear Dimitri
confess to killing Tex,

I would have to come up
with a clever plan.

♪

This...

is Dimitri.

And this is--

You.

Yeah. This is me.

And I need to get near Dimitri,

because I want to hear him
confess that he killed Tex.

Okay?

At which point,

I'm gonna make sure
that he's brought to justice!

Yeah! Show him what you got!

I'm just emotional.

Oh, no need to apologize.

Just, how are you going
to get near Dimitri?

By doing business with him.
See here?

Dimitri has a fleet
of stolen luxury cars,

so I'm going to pretend
I wanna buy 'em,

but in order to do that,
I need money...

a lot of money.

♪

[Ingmar] We need to catch both
of them to get the full reward.

[sighs] Coffee?

Yeah, why not?

[muffled grunts]

So I was thinking,

if we do catch
the second bounty today,

maybe we could go out
for a drink.

You mean you and me?

Yeah, like co-workers.

Not like friends?

Well, as friends
would be nice.

I mean, I haven't actually made
any friends here yet.

Well, I have an idea.

Why don't you go out tonight,
without me,

and see if you can
find yourself a friend?

Be good for you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
second bounty behind us...

on bicycle.

Wait, wait, wait!
Hold it, hold it!

Hold it.

Now!

[groans]

[Ingmar] Yes, yes! Ha! Ha!

My leg! My leg!

Yeah, that's him.

Here's your half.

Oh.

Good job.

-What?
-What?

I'm sorry, Axel,
but you can't come!

Why don't you go to a bar,
throw some of that
money around?

It's an excellent way
to make new friends.

Are you sure
you don't want to come?

Yeah, I can't.

I'm going to invest these
in the stock market.

♪

♪ TDC, let's get it pimpin'

[Ingmar] Fifteen grand.
Thank you. Here, thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay! [chuckles] Let's play
some goddamn poker, all right?

While I was trying
to get the money

that could get me closer
to Dimitri,

Axel was in
another part of town

trying to get closer to...

well, pretty much anyone.

Hello.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah, I'm quite new to town.

Don't really have any friends.

Aw. Do you wanna suck my cock?

No. No, thank you.

I'm looking more
for a platonic,
non-s-sexual relationship.

I think, yeah.

[Sarah] Axel!

Hey, Sarah!
What are you doing here?

Well, my dad's not answering
my phone calls, so I figured
he might be here.

No, it's just me.

Okay, well, I'll tell you
and then you can tell him.

You guys are being sued.

By who?

A porn producer
who has a largely successful
line of films

called The Swedish Dicks,

and now he's suing you
into financial oblivion

for the copyright infringement.

Hey!

I make up for not killing dog
by stopping lawsuit.

Okay, I'm sorry, Sun,

but exactly how are you
going to stop the lawsuit?

I put curse on porn man,
make his life living hell.

Consider it done.

-Well, I'll tell your dad.
-Great.

The-but-but in the meantime,
can I, uh, buy you a drink?

Wait, you know I don't find you
physically attractive, right?

No, I didn't, but I do now.

Well, great. So as long
as we're good on that,

feel free to buy me
all the drinks you want.

All in all, it wasn' t
a bad night of gambling.

But unfortunately,
it wasn' t enough money

to get in business
with Dimitri.

When I give you money,
you pay me back.
That's how that works.

Fuck you.

-Fuck me?
-Yeah.

Fuck you.

Nah, nah, yeah, fuck you.

Come on, man,
pull the trigger.

[laughs] Don't think
just 'cause we're best friends
that I won't do it!

-Pull it!
-Hey, guy-guy-guy-guys.

You mind taking
your heated discussion
the fuck away from my car?

I'm not goin' anywhere
until he gives me
the money he owes me!

-You said that I could have it!
-I didn't say you could have it!

I said you could borrow it.

Okay, he owes you.
How much?

Fifty bucks.

Okay. Here you go.

[scoffs] Keepin' that.

Mister, we been in
and out of foster homes
and prisons our whole life.

Ain't nobody ever give
a rat's ass about us.

Yeah. What's your angle,
mister?

No angle. I'm just trying
to get you the hell away
from my car.

And I don't like to see
people shooting each other
over fifty bucks.

That's all.

So play nice, kids.

All right,
let's get outta here.
I just got fifty bucks.

Mister, do yourself a favor
and stay outta there
tomorrow night.

Why?

All you need to know
is you did us a favor,

and now we're doin' you one.
[laughs]

♪

And...

action!

[porn music plays]

Excuse me.

Cut!

Are you porn maker
who makes porn

and intend to sue
Swedish Dicks?

That would be me,
sweetheart.

I think you should rethink
what you're thinking.

Stop lawsuit.

Now give me one good reason
why I should do that.

If you don't, I put ancient
North Korean curse on you.

[laughs]

Curse? Please,
this is the 21st century.

Now get outta here
before I call the cops.

You leave me no choice.

[bell tolls]

May your milk cows go dry.

May your horses go lame.

[bell tolls]

[scoffs] That's it?

That's your curse?

Now I'm gonna put a curse
on you, all right?

You tell those Swedish Dicks

you just cost 'em
an even bigger lawsuit!

How the hell
did she get in here?

Jesus.

All right, everybody.

[slurps]

Back to one.

[Ingmar] After checking out
the two clowns

outside the poker game,

I was pretty sure
what they were up to,

and it was all good news...

until Axel
walked into the room.

[in Swedish]

Mm-hmm.

[speaks gibberish Swedish]

-Oh.
-Whatever.

Sarah, what are you doing here?

Just came to see
how you guys want to handle
this whole lawsuit thing.

This whole lawsuit thing?

Yeah, didn't Axel tell you?

No.

Axel? No, no.

I told him to tell you
last night when
we were hanging out.

Oh. [chuckles]

What do you mean,
"we were hanging out"?

This is the new friend
I was kind of
telling you about.

-Hey, Sarah?
-Hmm?

I want you to unfriend him,

and I want you
to unfriend him now.

[scoffs]
You can't tell me who I can
and can't be friends with.

Hey, listen, t-t-t--

You're right.

I want you to unfriend her,

and I want you
to unfriend her now.

It's not like you're thinking,
all right?

Sarah finds me
physically unattractive, right?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

Yeah? What about you?

Do you find her
physically unattractive?

Hello? Do you?

Of-of course
I find her attractive.

-Look at her. She's hot.
- I know.

Right? But, uh, that doesn't
mean we can't just be friends.

[scoffs] I can't even begin
to count how many times

that I pretended to be
a woman's friend
just so I could bed her.

"Bed her"?
And when were you doing this,
in the Middle Ages?

A man and a woman
can't be friends.

Am I right, Sun?

Why you think
I avoid friendship with you?

I know what happen
we go down that road.

Okay, can we get back
to things that actually matter?

For example, you are
being sued by a porn producer

who claims he had the name
"Swedish Dicks" first.

What?

Don't worry!
I put curse on him...

mess him up big time.

What?

Yeah, there's nothing
that he can sue me for,

because I registered the name
long time ago.

No, you registered the name
"Swedish Dick". "Dick"!

-Yeah!
-Not "Swedish Dicks".

Mm, my bad.

Hey, Sun!

That curse, will it work?

Oh, yeah, baby.
It work big time.

Okay, Sarah.
The name stays.

[cell phone alarm beeps]

Ah, shit! I gotta go. Ugh.

Oh, hey, um, we're still on
for tonight, right?

-Yeah!
-Okay, good. Okay.

Bye.

[in Swedish]

Uh-huh.

♪

[Ingmar] At this point,
I hated Axel,

but not as much
as I hated Dimitri.

I still had to get the money
I needed to approach him,

but I knew I was close.

I was certain
those two clowns

were gonna rob
the poker game...

and when they did,
I would rob them.

[gasps] Howdy, friend!

Hi, friend!

Welcome. Oh, what is
that terrible smell?

Oh, that is the smell of...

I call it "Confusion."

You know,
when I was getting ready
to go out tonight,

I put on some cologne,
but as I was doing it

I realized it
was my "sexy cologne",

you know, the one I use
when I wanna be "sexy".

Ah, when you
wanna snag a lady?

Yeah, exactly.

But then I remembered
I was gonna see a friend,

so I put on my normal cologne.

Without washing off
the first one?

Yes. So, uh, the combination
is the bad smell.

Oh. Well, you know,
I said terrible, not bad.

Oh.

Alcoholic beverage?

Thank you, friend.

[stereo playing in background]

[indistinct arguing]

[Ingmar] What the hell
are you guys waiting for?

[sighs]

Well, what the fuck you mean?

We were hanging out a lot.

Because,
you were in fuckin' prison!

Who was supposed
to hang out with her?

You gotta be kiddin' me!

-One thing led to--
-You slept with her?

Yeah, but you would have done
the same thing in my situation,
and you know it!

[sighs] [scoffs]

Come on, dude.

I'm just
so fuckin' angry, man!

[sighs]

You know what,
you know what, you--

Oh, you're probably right.

I probably would have.

Enough of this
fuckin' arguin' shit, man.

We got a poker game
to rob, right?

Yup.

Yeah, sweet. [chuckles]

Okay, now,
I don't usually do this.

And by not usually,
I mean never.

But in honor of your visit,
I decided to make you

some meatballs
of the Swedish variety.

[laughs] Oh, come on.
Please tell me you're joking.

It's-it's like if you
came to visit me in Sweden,
and I said,

"Oh, you're an American,
I'm gonna cook you
McDonald's for dinner".

And I would
actually like that.

Are you ready to try one?

[in Swedish]

Thank you.

How is it?

[muffled]
Um, it's terrible.

[laughs]
Oh, it's that bad?

[muffled] Yeah, no, I didn't
say bad, I said terrible.

Oh, stop it.

-Agh, agh. Mm-hmm.
-[indistinct mumbling]

Yeah, it tastes like shit.
Uh-huh. [laughs] I'm sorry.

[muffled] Can I spit it out?

[laughs] Yeah, there's a trash
right behind you.

-Oh, my God.
-[laughs]

Mm.

Come on, guys,
make your move!

She's just so fuckin' hot.

Listen, you gotta
cut that shit out.

You know what?

You agreed you
would have done the same thing
in my position!

Yeah, well, I lied
just like you lied to me!

I didn't lie
about anything, man!

Hey, you guys! Guys!

I thought we worked
this out last night.

Yeah, well, he's supposed
to be my best friend.
He slept with my girlfriend!

You did?

Yeah, but it
wasn't my fault!

He was away at prison,

and I was hanging out
with his girlfriend,

you know, just as friends?

And the next thing
you know--

-They had sex!
-Yes!

Because dudes and chicks
can't just be friends!

They gotta get
the dog on, right?

Yeah, right.

Can we just pause this
conversation for a moment?

I need to make a quick call
to my daughter.

-You got a daughter?
-Is she hot?

Hey.

-[techno music plays]
-So, all set. Press there.

-Yeah.
-Press there.

-I'm excited!
-Ready to go?

Yeah. Okay,
you have your treble.

-[cell phone rings melodically]
-You have your treble...

[sighs] It's my dad.

[scoffs] Well,
aren't you gonna answer it?

No, because he is just
calling to make sure
we're not having sex.

You-you know, he's just
looking out for you.

Yes, but I am a big girl,
and I can look out for myself.

So, um, yeah.

-All right, now.
-Where were we?

Show me some of your,
some of your DJ moves.

Yeah.

Shit.

Hey, you guys! Guys!
You're friends, right?

-Yeah. Best friends.
-The best.

I had a best friend once,
but he died ten years ago.

But there's not a day
that goes by without me
thinkin' about him.

Do you understand what
I'm tryin' to say here?

-I do.
-Yeah.

Bro's before ho's.

Bro's before ho's.

Not exactly, but it works.
So, hug it out.

I love you, man.

I don't know who you are,
or what your deal is, old man.

But, uh, thank you.

-Thanks.
-Yeah. [chuckles]

But now you should probably
get the fuck outta here.

[Young] Get to steppin'.

I'm out.

[Young] Come on, cowboy!

[techno music playing]

Okay, this first move
is called the
"I'm concentrating" move.

-[laughs] Okay.
-Okay?

So you look
really concentrated.

You see this?
A bit pissed off, you know?

-[laughs]
-And you go like this.

-Just turn knobs.
-Okay.

Step number two, called
the "keep on dancing" move.

-Okay.
-Okay?

Put one finger up.
Go like this.

I know this one!

Yeah! You got it!

Keep on dancing!

Keep on dancin'!

♪ Ooh, it's a long way to...

I'm sorry,
I can't do this.

[music stops]

Do what?

[sighs] Ingmar was right.

What do you mean?

I-- you know what I mean.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

So, I should go.

Uh, mm. All right.

Oh, hey, but just
so we're clear,
this is about sex, right?

It's not,
it's not about my meatballs?

No, no. No, it's about sex.
Yeah.

-Oh, okay.
-Yeah.

But the meatballs
didn't help.

-'Cause they were shit.
-[laughs]

♪

Yeah, finally.

That's it.

Come on,
just a few steps.

Be friends now, no fighting,
that's it.

Ah!

All right, everyone,
hands in the air!

Hands in the air and no one
will get hurt, all right?

Do as we say
and nobody gets hurt!

Everyone, chill out! All right?

Where's the cash, right here?

Come on, baby, hurry up,
hurry up with it!

Put the cash in the bag.
Let's go.

No I don't want chips,
just cash!

Come on, guys!
What the hell
is taking so long?

Ax...el.

Axel! Axel!

[whispering] Shh, shh.
Come here. Shh. Come, come.

Jeez.

What the hell
are you doing here?!

I-I have an apology
to make.

Well, uh, later,
later, not now.

No, no, I have to do it
face to face.

Come on!

What?

[sighs]

I lied.

What?

You know, uh,
about just wanting
to be friends with Sarah.

All this time
I've just wanted to...

bed her.

Don't even go there,
Axel, please!

No, no, but I'm not
apologizing for wanting
to have hot sex with her.

I'm apologizing
about the lie.

Because even if you don't
think of me as a friend,
I think of you as a friend.

And friends don't lie
to each other.

-[robber] Let's go! Let's go!
-[Ingmar] Shit!

-Get outta here!
-What?

[Ingmar] Get out of the car!

Are they robbing
the poker game?

Yes, so get out of the car!

[Axel] Not until you
explain what's going on.

Okay, okay! Fine!

♪

[Axel] I know you, Ingmar.
You planned this!
You lied to me!

I didn't lie.
I just didn't tell you
the whole truth.

Well, that's not
what friends do!

We're not friends.

Of course
we're friends.

We work together,
that's all!

Oh, you're lying
to yourself.

Hold on!

[tires screech]

-You see that?
-What?

See what you did there?

That's what friends do.

What are you talking about?
It was a reflex, pure reflex.

[gunshots]

Whoa, what...the...hell?

You stay here.

♪

I already knew
what had happened,

that stuff that happens when you get too close to somebody,

that thing Axel
called "friendship".

Sometimes,
it only leads to pain,

and sometimes
it even leads to death.

This should be enough
for Dimitri.

♪

They said
they were best friends.

That's what they told me.

And then they
shot each other.

[scoffs]

I dated a girl once.

She was a screenwriter,
and she told me
that characters

are not being defined
by the things they say,
but by the things they do.

You mean like putting
your arm out to make sure

I didn't get hurt
while you made a turn?

No, I mean by the way
you came to me

and apologized for
not being honest to me.

I do appreciate
things like that.

Hold on!

[tires screech]

Like I said,
reflex, pure reflex.

♪

We were filming an orgy scene,

and none of my 20 actors
could get a damn erection.

Not one!

[Sun] Sound like curse working,
big time.

Yeah, my milk cows
have definitely gone dry,

and my horses
have definitely gone lame.

Just like I say,
but you no listen.

Please, I'm begging you,
take back the damn curse.

I take back curse,
you drop lawsuit.

I drop lawsuit!

Hey! You make fun my English?

No, I no make fun!

I mean I'm not makin' fun,
I swear!

All right. I take back curse
on two condition.

One, you drop lawsuit.

Done! What else?

And you send to the
great leader of my home country

all your films,
whole catalogue.

Done!

On VHS.

Uh, VHS?

Yes.

♪