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1
00:00:02,263 --> 00:00:03,786
Yeah! Right!
[laughs]
2
00:00:03,829 --> 00:00:05,570
Hey, everyone, donuts on the
house, I got great news.
3
00:00:05,614 --> 00:00:08,095
Helen Mirren finally
wrote you back?
4
00:00:08,138 --> 00:00:10,097
Danny Malone is quarantined
in Ireland
5
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,489
with hoof and mouth disease.
6
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,274
Hey, hey!
Yes!
7
00:00:13,317 --> 00:00:14,840
Why are we celebrating
a guy getting sick?
8
00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:15,928
Free donuts.
9
00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:18,279
Don't ask questions.
10
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:20,716
Danny Malone has been
to every Cubs Opening Day game
11
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,109
for the last 43 years,
12
00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,198
and they always do something
about him on the news.
13
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,851
Well, now his streak is over,
14
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:28,898
and I'm the one
with the longest active streak.
15
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,552
I'm gonna be on television.
16
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,249
Been waiting for this
my whole life.
FRANCO: Well, to be fair,
17
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:35,600
for a big chunk of that,
there was no television.
18
00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:37,385
My whole life, I've always been
kind of been anonymous,
19
00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:38,516
you know, I never won anything,
20
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:39,691
I've never been
in the spotlight.
21
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,302
It'd be nice to have
a little hoopla.
22
00:00:41,345 --> 00:00:42,694
RANDY: You know, Arthur,
I might see you at Wrigley.
23
00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:46,263
I'm gonna be out there
busting ticket scalpers.
24
00:00:46,307 --> 00:00:48,265
They're putting me up
with another detective.
25
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:50,267
I'm gonna
meet him here tomorrow.
26
00:00:50,311 --> 00:00:51,660
So it's like a blind date,
but you know
27
00:00:51,703 --> 00:00:53,314
there's going
to be handcuffs.
28
00:00:53,357 --> 00:00:54,228
[Randy chuckles]
29
00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,187
Clean it up, Tart 'n' Tiny.
30
00:00:57,231 --> 00:01:01,104
Dirty talk's not a
good look on you.
31
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:02,714
Oh, that's exciting,
your first time undercover.
32
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:03,933
Uh, I don't know.
33
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:06,283
You know, I-I talked
to the guy on the phone.
34
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:08,024
He seemed a little intense.
35
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,852
Plus, you know,
I like working on my own.
36
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,419
Just me and whatever drunk guy
37
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:13,986
I'm slamming
up against the windshield.
38
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,033
Hey, I could invite
my cousin Marcus, man.
39
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,687
He's back in town
and he's a big fan.
40
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:20,167
Good luck getting tickets.
41
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,952
I looked online,
and they were 392 bucks.
42
00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:24,736
That's funny, 'cause, uh,
my credit card company called me
43
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:27,478
about an attempted charge
for 392 bucks.
44
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,089
[tongue clicks]
45
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:31,439
That's a coinkydink--
oh, I got to go feed my meter.
46
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:32,701
Yeah.
47
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:37,575
He ain't got a car.
48
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:40,012
Unless he used
your credit card to buy one.
49
00:01:40,056 --> 00:01:41,536
[laughs]
50
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:43,407
See? Much better.
51
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:46,410
We don't need that filth.
52
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:48,282
Oh, that reminds me,
I got to call my buddy Vern,
53
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:51,415
find out if I can use his Cubs
tickets on Opening Day.
54
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,982
That's cool Arthur's gonna be
on the Chicago news, man.
55
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:55,637
It's gonna be murder, governor
indicted, another murder,
56
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,552
and then him.
57
00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:59,510
Carol? Arthur Przybyszewski.
58
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,208
Uh, I'm calling for Vern.
59
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:04,254
What? No-- oh, my God.
60
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:05,342
What happened?
61
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:08,171
Vern died on Friday.
62
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,216
I'm sorry, man.
63
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:10,652
My condolences, Carol.
64
00:02:10,695 --> 00:02:12,393
Vern was a very good man
65
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:15,222
with very good seats
in the shade.
66
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:17,224
I'll just respect Vern's
wishes and swing by
67
00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:18,703
and pick up those tickets, huh?
68
00:02:18,747 --> 00:02:21,663
Wait, he's being buried
with them?
69
00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,580
Will the wake be open casket?
70
00:02:25,623 --> 00:02:27,538
Carol?
71
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,192
[groans]
72
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,628
Just lost my tickets.
73
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,587
And that woman
just lost her husband.
74
00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:34,241
Well, she can get remarried.
75
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,547
There's only one Opening Day.
76
00:02:38,419 --> 00:02:40,203
Well, maybe Vern's widow'll
give you those tickets
77
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:43,511
if you kick some
dust off her mound.
78
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:49,517
You see, Sofia, since
we're talking baseball,
79
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:54,174
I used the word "mound" to
describe her lady parts.
80
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:58,743
Leave the dirty talk
to the master.
81
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,312
♪
82
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,064
Sweatpants, that ticket site
83
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:16,587
you told me about stinks.
84
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,154
Why do they make you
order your food
85
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,329
before they give you your seats?
86
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,331
I said StubHub.
87
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:22,854
You're on Grubhub.
88
00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:26,423
Look, here they are:
Cubs tickets.
89
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:29,383
Oh, come on,
I can't afford that.
90
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:32,212
Well, maybe we can all pitch in
and help you out.
91
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:33,387
Yeah, you got to keep
the streak alive.
92
00:03:33,430 --> 00:03:34,736
Okay, great.
93
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,259
Uh, I need 1,200 bucks.
94
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:37,521
Oh, uh...
Oh.
Oh, whoa.
95
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:38,696
Yeah, I wasn't participating.
I'm sorry.
96
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:41,177
TUSH:
I have a Cubs connection.
97
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,310
Anthony Rizzo and I
have the same facialist.
98
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:46,008
She's the only one I've met
that knows where my face stops
99
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:47,357
and the top of my head begins.
100
00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,141
It's about right...
101
00:03:49,185 --> 00:03:51,274
right there.
102
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,624
FRANCO:
Hey, everybody,
103
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,322
meet my cousin Marcus.
Hey-hey.
Hey.
104
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,019
Yeah, we, uh, we
grew up together.
105
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:58,890
We used to reenact all the
dance scenes from House Party.
106
00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:00,109
I was Kid and he was Play.
107
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:01,110
Should we show 'em?
108
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:03,243
Nah, put your leg down.
109
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,505
So he's back in town,
and he's staying with me
110
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:05,506
for a couple weeks.
111
00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:06,985
Where'd you move from?
Oh, uh,
112
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:08,987
downstate.
TUSH:
Whereabouts?
113
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,119
Pontiac.
114
00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:11,468
Oh, yeah, where the prison is.
115
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:12,991
How long did you live there?
116
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,210
Well, it was supposed
to be five years,
117
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,603
but I got out after three.
118
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,699
Marcus spent some time
in prison, but he paid his dues,
119
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:27,223
and now I'm helping him
look for a job.
TUSH:
Marcus,
120
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,705
I happen to be kind of an expert
in the gig economy.
121
00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:33,490
I would love to spend
the afternoon sharing my wisdom.
122
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:37,277
You're not gonna need
a whole afternoon.
123
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,626
FRANCO: Actually,
I was thinking, Arthur,
124
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:39,888
you might have something.
125
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:41,629
Huh? Me?
Yeah.
126
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,195
You were talking about
doing that delivery service.
127
00:04:43,239 --> 00:04:44,371
I mean, Marcus would
be perfect for it, man.
128
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:46,242
He's a great driver.
Is he?
129
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,504
Yeah, well-well, uh,
let me think about it.
130
00:04:47,548 --> 00:04:49,027
MARCUS:
Cool.
131
00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:50,855
I'll leave my résumé.
It's nice to meet y'all.
132
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:52,030
All right, be good.
133
00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:53,467
Bye, now.
134
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:59,429
Well, I thought about it,
and, uh, no.
135
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,694
'Cause he went to prison?
136
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,870
Yo, he made one stupid mistake.
137
00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:07,437
You know, he was hanging
with the wrong people,
138
00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:08,917
and next thing you know,
they're robbing a bank,
139
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,440
and he's driving
the getaway car.
140
00:05:10,484 --> 00:05:13,443
Well, he wasn't very good at it,
since he didn't get away.
141
00:05:13,487 --> 00:05:15,750
He's actually a great driver.
142
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,447
And he can handle a truck,
no problem.
143
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:19,231
Even if people
are shooting at him.
144
00:05:20,581 --> 00:05:23,671
Well, this is Chicago,
so they will be.
145
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:26,413
Come on, man,
you gave me a chance.
146
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:27,370
Well, my heart's big enough
for a misdemeanor,
147
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,764
but not a felony.
148
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,243
SOFIA:
Arthur,
149
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:32,332
Marcus did his time.
150
00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,029
He deserves a clean slate.
151
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:36,945
Oh, cry me a river.
152
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:40,165
Which he should be sent up. The.
153
00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:44,082
What? English is
my second language.
154
00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:47,042
No, listen, uh, listen,
I-I'm sorry, kid, he's a felon.
155
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:49,479
The fact is, once a criminal,
always a criminal.
156
00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,960
I hear you. Sometimes
I feel like I'm just arresting
157
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:54,136
the same person
over and over again.
158
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:56,791
So you don't believe that people
can be rehabilitated?
159
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:57,922
No, I do.
160
00:05:57,966 --> 00:05:59,402
But the odds are
against them.
161
00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,709
70% of them end up
back in jail.
162
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:04,407
And when they get out,
nobody trusts them.
163
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:07,149
So they fall back into the same
cycle that landed them in jail
164
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:09,107
in the first place.
165
00:06:09,151 --> 00:06:11,283
Wow, Tush, you really
care a lot about this.
166
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,460
Well, I went through it
with my brother.
167
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:14,939
You have a brother in jail?
Yeah.
168
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:18,378
He did drugs, dealt
drugs, smuggled drugs.
169
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,423
He just can't seem
to get his life together.
170
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,425
Well, I'm not an expert, but it
might have something to do
171
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,426
with all the drugs.
172
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:26,429
But that's why we got
to help Marcus, man.
173
00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:28,039
I don't want him
going back to prison.
174
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:30,302
Yeah, well, that's great, but
I don't want any part of that.
175
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,695
Really? You ain't
gonna help him?
176
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:33,871
This ain't just some dude,
man, it's-it's family.
177
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,307
And he's a good guy.
178
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:38,833
Look, I-I'm not gonna risk
my business for some ex-con.
179
00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:40,443
Whatever, man.
180
00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,489
Yo. Check this out:
181
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,665
front row seats
for 60 bucks each.
182
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:46,493
Really? That cheap
for Opening Day?
183
00:06:46,536 --> 00:06:48,930
No, these are for
the musical Pippen.
184
00:06:50,018 --> 00:06:51,672
About Scottie Pippen,
185
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,195
starring Tyler Perry.
186
00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,376
Since this is your first time
undercover, I figured
187
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,466
we'd discuss our characters
and get our stories straight.
188
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,555
Uh, is that really necessary?
189
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:08,384
Yeah. If those scalpers get
one whiff we're cops,
190
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,994
they're running.
191
00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:12,432
So, who do you want to be?
192
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:17,262
How about, uh, Lady Who Wants
to Buy Cub Tickets?
193
00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:19,439
Where is this lady from?
194
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,049
Is her name Rebecca?
195
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,398
Does she do yoga?
196
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,704
Fine. Fine.
197
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:26,402
Uh, my name is Linda.
198
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,490
Linda what?
199
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,406
Linda Oh-bite-me. I'm Irish.
200
00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:35,585
Look, Detective Whitley,
I think I can handle this.
201
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,587
I've been a cop for 30 years.
202
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:39,110
But you just became a detective,
203
00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:40,808
so maybe you need
to follow my lead?
204
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,070
Okay.
205
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:43,941
The Cubs are playing
the Pirates.
206
00:07:43,985 --> 00:07:46,683
We'll be Roy and Gingie Mendler
from Pittsburgh.
207
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:49,991
Roy's an EMT, but he also did
two tours in Iraq.
208
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,427
Oh, yeah? Where in Iraq?
209
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,690
First tour, Fallujah,
second tour, Basra.
210
00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:54,822
[groans]
211
00:07:54,865 --> 00:07:56,911
Wait a second. Roy Mendler,
212
00:07:56,954 --> 00:07:58,521
and you were in Basra?
Mm-hmm.
213
00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,957
I think we met.
214
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,916
[chuckles]
215
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,613
Um...
216
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:05,702
Roy's not real, Fawz.
217
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:08,531
Or am I?
218
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:12,187
Ha. Classic Roy.
219
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:13,405
Okay.
220
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:14,711
Let's go down
to the precinct.
221
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:17,279
We need to go over
our wardrobe, our hairstyles,
222
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:19,629
and figure out
our relationship history.
223
00:08:19,673 --> 00:08:21,326
How long have we been married?
224
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:23,372
Too long.
225
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:28,943
Yo, what up, cousin?
226
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:30,553
Just hanging, my brother.
227
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,425
I was talking
to my actual cousin, Marcus.
228
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:34,557
Oh.
229
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,602
You find a job yet?
230
00:08:35,645 --> 00:08:37,386
Nope. Every application
I fill out,
231
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:38,692
they ask me
if I committed a felony,
232
00:08:38,735 --> 00:08:41,390
and when I say yes,
suddenly I'm not qualified.
233
00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:43,566
Which is just
plain discrimination.
234
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,351
I've had plenty of jobs
I wasn't qualified for.
235
00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:49,354
Did you know I was once
an optometrist for two weeks?
236
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:50,486
And follow.
237
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,575
Man, stop.
238
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,577
Look, hey, don't worry
about it, man, we're
gonna find you something.
239
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,579
Oh, Marcus does have
some good news.
240
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:57,972
Oh, yeah, Arthur,
241
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,495
you were looking for tickets
to the Cubs game, right?
242
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,236
I got two.
243
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,585
For Opening Day?
244
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,456
Well, how'd you get 'em?
245
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,154
Oh, one of my homies
hooked me up.
246
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:07,590
Wow, thank you.
247
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:08,896
What do I owe you?
248
00:09:08,939 --> 00:09:10,898
Oh, they're on me.
Just enjoy the game.
Wow.
249
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:13,030
Wow. That is way too generous.
250
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:14,728
Yeah, it really, really is.
251
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:18,035
Uh-huh.
252
00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:20,037
Oh, yeah, you know what?
You know what?
253
00:09:20,081 --> 00:09:21,604
You're welcome to all
the donuts you can eat.
254
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:22,736
[chuckles]
255
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,564
Uh, uh, limit two.
256
00:09:26,522 --> 00:09:28,872
Well, maybe there's
another way you can repay
257
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:32,615
this trustworthy,
upstanding citizen.
258
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,790
Oh, u-uh, yeah.
259
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,705
I-I'm looking
for a delivery guy.
260
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,228
I-It's not full-time,
261
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:39,579
but it'll put a little change
in your pocket.
262
00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:40,580
Seriously?
263
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:42,103
That would be great.
264
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:43,234
Yeah. Why don't you
swing by tomorrow,
265
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:44,322
and we'll get you started.
266
00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:46,673
Cool. Later, Tush.
A'ight.
267
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:47,848
BOTH:
Ain't gonna hurt nobody.
268
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:51,591
Oh, damn.
269
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,984
Whoa, these are great seats.
270
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,159
Must've cost a fortune.
271
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:59,686
Of course. Why bother
stealing cheap ones?
272
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,383
You don't think
they're stolen, do you?
273
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:02,427
No, of course not!
274
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,646
I'm going to Opening Day!
275
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,735
See? And it's all working out,
you know?
276
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,955
Help out my cousin, he gives you
some free baseball tickets,
277
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,696
you take me as your guest,
278
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,785
maybe buy me some nachos,
maybe a jersey...
279
00:10:11,828 --> 00:10:13,700
All right, all right,
all right, you can go.
280
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,571
You can go.
Thank you.
281
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,790
Who's gonna mind the shop?
282
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,443
I'm free. I can do it.
283
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:20,010
All right. It's only
for a few hours, anyway.
284
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:21,142
Yes!
285
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:23,231
We 'bout to turn up!
286
00:10:23,274 --> 00:10:24,667
[laughs]
287
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:27,670
[imitates air horn sound]
288
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,585
[laughs]
289
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,761
Okay, okay,
I'm-a put the DJ over here,
290
00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:34,503
and the pick-your-own-toppings
bar over here.
291
00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:37,375
You will sell donuts,
you will say nothing.
292
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,117
Right.
Flew too close to the sun.
293
00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:42,772
[imitates air horn sadly]
294
00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:47,734
♪
295
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:51,955
Go, Pirates!
296
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:53,174
I'm a traitor.
297
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:54,654
Whoo-hoo!
298
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:56,351
I hate myself.
299
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:58,745
What are you doing?
We need to stay in character.
300
00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:00,921
I told you that we
don't need that stuff.
301
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:02,923
Let's just wing it.
302
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:05,360
This guy looks suspicious.
303
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,319
Hey.
304
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:09,712
So, you sellin'?
305
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:11,453
Yeah, yeah, I'm selling...
306
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:13,498
Officers.
307
00:11:13,542 --> 00:11:15,500
What are you talking about?
308
00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:18,460
My husband and I just want
to buy some tickets.
309
00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:21,115
Yeah. My wife Gingie
and me-- I'm Roy--
310
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,682
we're the Mendlers.
311
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,596
We just drove in
from Pittsburgh.
312
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,076
Actually, Beaver Falls.
313
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,731
It's a small town
outside of the city.
314
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,647
Okay.
315
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,518
Uh, so, about those tickets...
316
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:34,868
We moved there
for the schools.
317
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:36,913
Roy Jr., he has a lazy eye,
318
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,176
and they have
a great program for that.
319
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:42,266
And that's why we love
the Pirates-- the eye patch.
320
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:45,139
Yeah. Our son has
a lot of problems.
321
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,228
Just like his dad.
322
00:11:48,882 --> 00:11:51,493
Every Cubs fan loves
Opening Day,
323
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:53,625
but not as much
as Arthur Przybyszewski.
324
00:11:53,669 --> 00:11:56,237
Yeah, he gave me the day off.
Shout to my boy Sweatpants.
325
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,847
Blip-blip!
H-Hey.
326
00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:00,763
Arthur here has the longest
active attendance streak
327
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,765
for the Cubs
home opener.
Yep, yep.
328
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:05,333
Replacing Danny Malone,
to whom I'd like to say:
329
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:07,814
Get well soon, and suck it.
330
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,772
Wow. What an amazing
accomplishment.
331
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,687
Yeah. And when I'm done here,
332
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,471
I'm gonna celebrate
at Superior Donuts,
333
00:12:13,515 --> 00:12:15,299
located at Argyle and Kenmore,
334
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:18,563
the official donut
of Major League Baseball.
335
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:22,306
I'm a hundred percent
sure you can't say that.
336
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,873
And little Judy,
she's allergic to milk,
337
00:12:23,917 --> 00:12:25,788
so I have to buy
this soy substitute
338
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:27,790
that they sell
at a market downtown.
339
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,314
Why is he telling me all this?
340
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:31,794
I'll tell you why.
341
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,578
Because he's
a detail-obsessed weirdo
342
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:36,799
that doesn't trust me
to speak for myself.
343
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:39,802
At least I'm not a know-it-all
who won't listen to anyone.
344
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,805
How can I not listen?
You talk nonstop!
345
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,807
You are
so critical.
346
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:46,417
Oh, for God's sake,
would you shut up?
347
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:47,810
You're giving me a migraine!
348
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,899
Okay, okay. I'm convinced.
349
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,509
You're married.
350
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,337
You fight worse than my parents.
351
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:54,991
And they shot each other.
352
00:12:55,035 --> 00:12:57,037
They're still together.
353
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,214
You know, they're Catholic.
42 years. God bless.
354
00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:03,043
Okay, so, I got
bleacher seats, $300 here.
355
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,480
Okay, you're under arrest.
Aw, crap.
356
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:06,916
Man...
357
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,571
at first I thought you were
just crazy and annoying,
358
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,834
but that actually worked.
359
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,227
I'm not crazy.
360
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,795
The truth is, Fallujah
really did a number on me.
361
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:16,970
Oh, my God.
362
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,928
You actually served in Iraq?
363
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:20,930
Nope, I'm just that good.
364
00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:25,369
Well, it looks like
it's game time.
365
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:27,676
Let's watch
as Arthur Przybyszewski
366
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:30,244
walks into the record books.
367
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,595
So, uh, Marcus really
came through, huh?
368
00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:35,162
I am so excited.
369
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:37,773
I'm telling you right now,
if you and me get on Kiss Cam,
370
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,818
it's happening.
371
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,820
[metal detector buzzes]
372
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:41,821
Ooh.
It's okay, sir.
373
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,431
And congratulations.
Ooh. Thanks.
374
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:48,305
Random check.
Ah, damn it.
375
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,136
[quiet ringing]
376
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,659
What's wrong?
377
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:55,878
This ticket's no good.
378
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,271
No. Try it again.
379
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:58,576
[quiet ring]
380
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,665
Hey, I got it.
Here, try mine.
381
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:01,928
[quiet ring]
382
00:14:01,971 --> 00:14:03,886
Sorry, can't let you in.
These aren't working.
383
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,888
You know why it's not working?
Because your cousin
384
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:08,195
gave us stolen tickets.
Why would he do that?
385
00:14:08,238 --> 00:14:09,370
'Cause he's a crook.
386
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:10,806
Step aside.
Huh?
387
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,590
You're holding up the line.
Don't worry about it.
388
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,940
We're getting out
of your way, all right?
389
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:15,942
Oh, look-- Helen Mirren!
Hey! Come on.
390
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:18,509
All right, all right,
I'm going.
391
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:19,815
ELAINE:
Well, I'm not sure
392
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,991
what just happened,
but it looks like
393
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:24,602
this super fan's
streak is over.
394
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,040
Superior Donuts--
the best damn donuts...
395
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,258
[pained grunting]
396
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,043
...in Chicago.
397
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,662
Interesting.
398
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:43,708
I've never seen the shop
from this perspective before.
399
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:45,841
Like, as an entrepreneur
who turned their passion
400
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,234
into a successful business?
401
00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:49,801
No. I've never stood
in this actual spot before.
402
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,586
You think too much.
403
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,677
Guess who set
a new record today.
404
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,332
We busted 27 scalpers.
405
00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:02,379
Uh, I think they prefer the
term "Native Americans."
406
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:06,993
Well, Mrs. Mendler,
I got to run.
407
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:08,733
Thanks for the ride,
Mr. Mendler.
408
00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:11,258
Hey, great job
on your first day undercover.
409
00:15:11,301 --> 00:15:13,260
Well, I had a really
good teacher.
410
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:16,132
Your attention to
detail was amazing.
411
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:18,221
Like when you threatened
to divorce me
412
00:15:18,265 --> 00:15:20,267
because of the way I eat soup.
413
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,444
Where did that come from?
414
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:26,838
My wife divorced me
because of the way I eat soup.
415
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:31,017
You know, I got divorced
because of soup, too.
416
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,323
I threw a can at his head.
[laughs]
417
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,543
Hey, um,
418
00:15:35,586 --> 00:15:37,501
you want to have dinner
sometime?
419
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:38,807
Yeah. Sure.
420
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,983
But maybe we
should avoid any food
421
00:15:41,027 --> 00:15:43,594
that you threw
at your husband.
422
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:48,164
FAWZ:
There he is!
423
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,427
We saw you on TV
and on the Internet.
424
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,955
World'sOldestCriminals.com.
425
00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:59,088
Arthur, are you okay?
426
00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:00,872
[groans]: Yeah,
I just pulled a muscle.
427
00:16:00,916 --> 00:16:03,658
No, I mean emotionally--
because that was sohumiliating.
428
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,529
I mean...
429
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,183
That was a real disaster.
430
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:10,230
You brought a lot of joy
to a lot of people today.
431
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,753
[pats]
432
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,843
What happened?
433
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:17,063
I was embarrassed on TV
because his criminal cousin
434
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:19,674
gave me counterfeit tickets.
L-Let's just figure out
435
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,068
what happened
before we go blaming him.
436
00:16:22,111 --> 00:16:23,460
I'm not blaming him--
I'm blaming you!
437
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,549
You told me
I should trust him, huh?
438
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,464
[scoffs] I'm never gonna
trust youanymore.
Yo, you only listened
439
00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,684
to me when there were
free tickets in your hand.
440
00:16:29,727 --> 00:16:32,600
I don't know why you Americans
are so obsessed with baseball.
441
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:34,950
You know, my cousin took
me out to the ball game.
442
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,952
Bought me some peanuts
and Cracker Jacks.
443
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,607
I don't care if
I evergo back.
444
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,958
At least you learned the song.
445
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,438
What song?
446
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,573
Hey, guys. Just picking up
that order for Loyola.
447
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,488
Yeah, well, don't bother.
You're fired.
448
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:53,316
What?
Ho-Hold on, man.
449
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,058
Yo, he's pissed, 'cause
the tickets you gave him
ended up being fake.
450
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,712
Really?
ARTHUR:
Yeah.
451
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:00,149
It cost me my streak,
and I almost got arrested.
452
00:17:00,193 --> 00:17:02,369
No, wait. Stop.
453
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,240
Yo, where'd you
get the tickets?
454
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:05,415
From a friend.
Who?
455
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:08,157
Just a guy that's
looking out for me.
456
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:09,550
Yeah?
457
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:11,378
Same guys that got
you locked up?
458
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,467
It's not like that.
What's it like?
459
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,426
'Cause it look like you're
going down the same road
that got you sent away, man.
460
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:17,993
Now, tell me who
the friend was.
461
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,430
I shouldn't have to.
All right. You know,
462
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:22,737
I want to have your back, but
you ain't making it easy, dude.
463
00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:24,043
Can I fire him now?
464
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:25,348
Shut up!
465
00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:27,089
What's going on?
466
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,830
Why aren't you guys at the game?
467
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,179
Marcus gave me phony tickets.
468
00:17:30,223 --> 00:17:31,702
What?
469
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:33,965
Oh, God,
I feel terrible.
470
00:17:34,009 --> 00:17:37,317
Why?
'Cause I'm the one
that gave himthe tickets.
471
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:43,801
Wait, you're the friend? Why
would you set him up like that?
472
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:47,370
I was trying to help him
score points with Arthur
so he'd give him the job.
473
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:48,589
So where did youget
the tickets?
474
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:51,113
From Anthony
Rizzo's facialist.
475
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,636
But now that
I think of it,
476
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,682
why would Anthony
Rizzo get facials
477
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:57,641
at an abandoned
RadioShack?
478
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:01,254
Marcus, why didn't you say
you got the tickets from Tush?
479
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,604
He was helping me--
I didn't want to throw
him under the bus.
480
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:06,128
Well, that's great, but I wish
you would've said something.
481
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:08,652
Would it have mattered?
You made your mind up about me
482
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:10,698
the second you heard
I had a record.
483
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,221
He's right. You did.
484
00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:14,310
You're no better-- you were
about to bail on me, too.
485
00:18:14,354 --> 00:18:16,704
[chuckles]:
You're right, I did, yeah.
486
00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,534
I'm sorry, cuz.
I apologize, man.
487
00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:24,190
These anxious white people
just got in my head, so...
488
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,148
You say you get what
I'm up against,
489
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,194
but I need at least
oneperson in my corner
490
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,499
that's gonna believe
me no matter what.
491
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,153
Yeah, that's me.
I'm that guy, man.
492
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,721
And I'm sorry I gave you
any reason to doubt that.
493
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,418
Yeah, I-I'm sorry, too.
And you can forget
494
00:18:35,462 --> 00:18:37,725
about what I said about
being fired. I mean,
495
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,509
if you're still interested,
I would love it
496
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:41,729
if you wanted
to work here again.
Yeah, kid,
497
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:45,124
Arthur and I could really
use the help around here.
Oh, shut up!
498
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:49,693
Arthur, I'm sorry
I screwed up your streak.
499
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:53,436
Yeah, it's too bad, 'cause now I
got all these real tickets here.
500
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,569
But the game's almost over.
Maybe not.
501
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,310
Addison Russell
just tied it up.
502
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,050
Grand slam!
Extra innings, baby!
503
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,444
Arthur, take those.
But how am I gonna
504
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:02,837
get to Wrigley on time?
I mean,
505
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:05,274
it's gonna take
at least 20 minutes in traffic.
506
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:08,190
I can get you
there in five.
507
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:11,019
Yeah. Hey, look, hey, four
if somebody's shooting at him.
508
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,674
You've got yourself a delivery.
Come on, we got to hurry.
509
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,676
Let's go!
FAWZ:
Enjoy the game!
510
00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:21,986
♪
511
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,301
SOFIA:
So, Randy,
512
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,042
how was your dinner with Justin?
513
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:36,784
Well, we kind of kept that
whole marriage thing going.
514
00:19:36,827 --> 00:19:39,700
We ordered in take-out,
'cause I didn't feel
like cooking.
515
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:42,616
Then we put on Netflix.
I fell asleep.
516
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,705
So we didn't have sex.
517
00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:47,534
I think he might be the one.
518
00:19:47,577 --> 00:19:50,014
Is that what marriage is like?
519
00:19:50,058 --> 00:19:51,277
Oh, no, sweetie.
520
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,236
It's not nearly
as fun as that.
521
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,847
[sighs]:
God, I miss it.
522
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,547
Oh, my God.
523
00:20:00,590 --> 00:20:03,245
Someone call 911.
Arthur's being robbed.
524
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:07,597
Addison Russell from the Cubs.
525
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:08,816
Hey. I'm looking
for Arthur.
526
00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:10,818
Yeah, uh, o-okay. Hold on.
527
00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:12,994
Arthur, get your ass out here!
528
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:15,214
Yeah? Oh, my God!
529
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:16,693
Addison Russell!
530
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:19,348
Welcome to my
humble shop. Oh...
531
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:22,003
I'm sorry,
I don't know why I curtsied.
532
00:20:22,046 --> 00:20:24,179
I saw you on the news,
and I felt bad for you.
533
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,876
Yeah, well, it was
embarrassing, you know?
534
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,965
At least I kept my streak alive.
535
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:30,185
That's why I brought you
this bat-- to say thank you
536
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,231
for being a fan
for all these years.
Oh, wow!
537
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:34,233
Is this the one you hit
the grand slam with?
538
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:36,757
No. That's actually
worth something.
539
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,454
That's Rizzo's.
540
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:41,675
Wow, it's amazing!
Addison Russell's
in my shop!
541
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:42,719
I'm gonna go get a Polaroid.
542
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,286
Oh, and put on my lucky jersey.
543
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:45,809
And get a ball for you to sign.
544
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:47,246
So you wait
right here.
545
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,030
You can have as many donuts
as you like.
546
00:20:49,073 --> 00:20:50,988
Uh, limit two.
547
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,817
I'm gonna go.
548
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:54,862
That's a good idea.
549
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:56,907
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
550
00:21:01,303 --> 00:21:02,261
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
40033
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