All language subtitles for Superior Donuts (2017) - S01E03 - Crime Time (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)_track3_[eng]
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1
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,305
TUSH: Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yeah?
2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,441
I may have just invented
a new taste sensation.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,277
Yeah, what is it, Tush?
4
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,144
I take a donut hole,
5
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,512
I put a little coffee
in the middle,
6
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,282
I call it the Tush-hole.
7
00:00:14,315 --> 00:00:16,250
I don't think
that's a good idea...
8
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:17,751
No, shh, shh.
Let's just enjoy this.
9
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,353
Yes?
10
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,355
It doesn't have to be
coffee, of course.
11
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,457
You could put anything
in your Tush-hole.
12
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,460
Hey, that could be
our ad campaign.
13
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:29,063
"What do you like
in your Tush-hole?"
14
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,233
Oop, I just heard it.
Never mind.
15
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:33,267
(laughs)
16
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,703
(Fawz yells)
17
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,272
(yells)
18
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:39,173
Fawz, what's going on?
19
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,741
My dry cleaners was robbed!
20
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,276
No!
Are you okay?
21
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,577
Those bastards took everything!
22
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:45,679
My computers, my chemicals,
23
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:48,382
my hangers that say,
"We Don't Use Chemicals."
24
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,419
Cop, girl cop, come and help.
25
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,121
Uh, girl cop's
not going anywhere
26
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,822
till she's had
her coffee.
27
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,258
In the last 24 hours,
we've had six break-ins,
28
00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,494
two muggings and
one public urinator.
29
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,597
I really had to go.
30
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:06,600
Did I really
have to watch?
31
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,602
Uh, the coffee's still brewing.
32
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,204
All right, it'll be
a few more minutes.
33
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,305
Fine. I'll be next door.
34
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,774
I have to give the insurance
company my wish list.
35
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:17,511
I mean, the list of things
that were stolen.
36
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:20,414
This crime wave is hitting
close to home, ain't it?
37
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:21,682
Yeah, what's been
happening here?
38
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:22,983
I thought this neighborhood was
supposed to be getting nicer.
39
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:26,520
Well, a spike in crime is often
a byproduct of gentrification.
40
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:30,524
As Biggie Smalls once said,
"More Money, More Problems."
41
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:33,594
It's actually
"Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
42
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:36,797
I'm not comfortable
saying it that way.
43
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,767
Yeah, the crime wave's
gotten so bad,
44
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,136
the department's bringing in
reinforcements to help out.
45
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,437
Yay, great.
More cops.
46
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,572
You know what that means:
47
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,408
more pat downs.
More business.
48
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,911
All this crime, guess it's time
to bring out my bus face.
49
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,614
Did you say "bus face"?
50
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:56,250
Yeah, it's this face I use
on public transportation
51
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,651
so people don't mess with me.
52
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,852
Let's see it.
53
00:01:58,886 --> 00:01:59,887
(clears throat softly)
54
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:03,857
Oh, that's so cute.
55
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,259
Adorable.
56
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,860
Like a constipated
Disney princess.
57
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:12,233
Maya, that face might work
out in the suburbs,
58
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,667
but you're in Uptown now.
59
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,204
If you want the creepos
on the bus to leave you alone,
60
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,206
do what I do:
act like a crazy person.
61
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,407
Please don't
show her how.
62
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,176
Let me show you how.
63
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,578
I invented a character
I call Johnny Buggins.
64
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,414
He has a voice like this.
65
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,283
(crazy voice):
Oh, hello there, Mr. James.
66
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,218
You have beautiful eyes.
67
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:34,922
May I take one home
and feed it to my robot?
68
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,892
I hate Johnny Buggins.
69
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,694
(normal voice):
Works every time.
70
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,397
What is taking you
so long?
71
00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:45,566
You two are like
Cagney and Lazy.
72
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,203
Starsky and Not Much.
73
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,438
Law & Order another donut.
74
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,273
Okay, we get it!
75
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,907
All right, just--
we'll be right here.
76
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,309
Forget the coffee.
77
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,410
Give me some beans.
Okay.
78
00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:57,745
What?
79
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,414
Sugar.
Oh, yeah.
80
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,416
Mm-hmm.
81
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,452
Cream.
Damn.
82
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:09,523
Come on, junior, let's roll.
83
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,859
Oh! Just kicked in.
84
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,463
*
85
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,236
Yo, that club
was so lit.
Right?
86
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,571
That girl was
so into me.
87
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,505
Yeah, man, but
look, next time,
88
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,740
can you not introduce
me as your butler?
89
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,909
Let me check on the
store real quick.
90
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:33,847
Arthur? Is that you?
91
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,683
Oh, geez!
92
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,418
What the hell
you guys doing out here?
93
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,719
Well, I thought
with everything going on,
94
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:39,920
I would check
on the store.
95
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,689
It's 4:00 in the morning!
96
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:42,923
Well, yeah, Sweatpants and I,
we just got back
97
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,358
from this after-hours club.
98
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,727
How do you dance
in those tight pants?
99
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,396
Oh, well,
I'm more of a upper-body guy.
100
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,497
I see.
101
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:50,731
And I'm strictly
lower body.
Yeah.
102
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,301
Yeah. Well, an-anyway...
103
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,468
What? Oh, you want some?
Hmm? Hmm?
104
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,304
Hey, hey!
105
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:57,438
Hey, guys!
Oh!
106
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,639
Huh?
I'm-a catch
you later, man.
107
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:00,474
All right, man, be good.
All right, see you.
All right.
108
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,543
What are you
doing out, huh?
109
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,577
In your robe.
110
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:04,745
On your way to
a prizefight?
111
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,613
(chuckles)
No.
112
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,581
I just go down the block
to the paper box
113
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,317
and pick up a Sun-Times.
114
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,353
What? That's, like,
four blocks away, man.
115
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,355
Well, so what?
I do it every morning.
116
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:15,489
It's my routine.
117
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,591
Arthur, you cannot be walking
around this neighborhood
118
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,827
at this hour, man.
People get mugged.
119
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,495
One time, I got robbed
right over there.
120
00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,697
Yeah, I know,
that's because you're a target.
121
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,367
I mean, look at me,
I got nothing to steal.
122
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,936
Well, except for
that coin purse.
123
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:31,505
Oh, wait, that's
not a coin purse!
124
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,617
Says he does it every morning.
125
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,919
All by himself,
to the corner and back.
126
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,755
That's a bad idea.
Most crimes are committed
127
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,623
between 2:00 and 6:00
in the morning.
128
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:50,991
Yeah, and Arthur's an old man.
129
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,361
He shouldn't be out at 4:00 a.m.
He should be in bed,
130
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,996
having sex dreams about
Angela Lansbury or somebody.
131
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:59,633
Well, he's been
getting that paper forever.
132
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,502
Good luck trying
to get him to stop.
133
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:03,971
(grunts)
There we go.
134
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,107
Fawz, what the hell is that?
135
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,744
Since I was robbed, I'm taking
matters into my own hands.
136
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:13,481
I will place him in the window
to deter criminals.
137
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:14,882
You've heard of a scarecrow?
138
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,618
This is a scarecop.
139
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,853
So, Fawz, let me guess,
140
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,522
you got the black mannequin
because it's scarier?
141
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,992
No, because it was cheaper.
142
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,528
Which is terrible.
143
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,996
You really think
that's gonna work?
144
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,698
I have to do something.
145
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,600
Sal's Florist Shop
was robbed last night.
146
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,001
Thank God no one was hurt.
147
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,904
Oh, except for Sal,
who was beaten severely.
148
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,872
Old man Sal?
149
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,375
He's been in this neighborhood
just as long as Arthur has.
150
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,677
He's in the hospital,
but he's gonna be okay.
151
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:48,015
Come on, let's go duct tape
this donut to your hand.
152
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,451
Make you more authentic.
153
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:52,420
This is ridiculous, man.
154
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,854
I got, I got to talk to him.
155
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,188
Yo, Arthur.
No.
156
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,725
You don't even know
what I'm about to...
I like my morning paper.
157
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,159
But why don't you get...
I don't want a subscription.
158
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,528
Ha! I wasn't
gonna say that.
159
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,562
I was gonna say
"prescription,"
160
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:02,763
but I knew that
wasn't right.
161
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,764
Oh.
Come on, man.
162
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:04,832
Everybody's getting hit.
163
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:05,933
You heard about Sal, right?
164
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,135
Yeah, yeah, and it was terrible,
but he's not like me.
165
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:10,438
Look, I love
starting off my morning
166
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:11,939
with a nice short walk outside.
167
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:13,807
I find it invigorating.
168
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,143
Oh, come on, Arthur.
I need you to be safe.
169
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,479
I am safe! Look,
170
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,048
I've taken over 15,000 trips
to that newspaper box.
171
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,650
Nothing bad
has ever happened to me.
172
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,453
And no way I'm giving
up my independence.
173
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,820
What are you talking about?
174
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,121
Well, it's a slippery slope.
175
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,690
One day, you give up
your morning walk,
176
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,659
the next day, you're taking
my car keys from me.
177
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,126
You don't even
have a car.
178
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,662
I'm glad you think that.
179
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,102
(phone ringing)
180
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,671
Oh, Franco.
181
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,072
Franco, why you calling me
so early?
182
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,974
FRANCO: 'Cause I didn't
want to scare you.
183
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,076
Scare me?
How could you scare me?
184
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,512
By being inside
your apartment.
185
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,113
What the hell
are you doing in here?
186
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,815
Teaching you a lesson.
187
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,818
You see, you think you're
invincible, but you're not.
188
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,086
Hey, how'd you get in?
189
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:00,053
The better question is:
190
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,955
out of all the many
and easy ways to get in,
191
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,090
which one did I choose?
192
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:06,627
Did I use telekinesis
to open the lock with my mind?
193
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:09,597
No, he did not.
194
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:13,133
It was I, Sweatpants,
195
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:16,069
using the spare key
you keep under your doormat.
196
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,638
Ah.
FRANCO:
All right, Sweatpants,
197
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,739
tell Arthur what
you'd do to him.
198
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,707
I don't know.
199
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:22,075
Guess I'll probably
tie you up to this chair,
200
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,210
take all of your stuff,
201
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,814
realize...
you've seen my face.
202
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,649
Place a lit cigarette
in your hand
203
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,585
and burn this place down
so nobody knows I was here.
204
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:32,720
FRANCO:
Yeah.
205
00:07:32,753 --> 00:07:34,655
He just finished watching
The Wire.
206
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:39,126
Well, I guess I better
get rid of this spare key.
207
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,160
Good. Good, good, good.
208
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,929
But that's not how I got in.
209
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,164
Say I was an eager,
young criminal,
210
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,833
and I noticed
that the fire escape
211
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,801
leads me up
to the second-story window,
212
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,269
with a latch
that appears to be busted.
213
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,771
Oh, come on.
214
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,973
Who'd want to do all that
just to get in here?
215
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,843
Someone like me.
216
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:58,546
Who would take a blanket,
put it over your head,
217
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:00,113
handcuff you to a radiator
218
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,182
and crazy glue
your butt cheeks together.
219
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:04,652
Where you getting
this stuff, man?
220
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:07,621
Five older brothers,
no adult supervision.
221
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,524
So you got in
through this window?
222
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,759
No, I did not.
223
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,260
I got in by jumping
on top of the Dumpster
224
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:15,896
in the alleyway and climbing
through your bedroom window.
225
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,164
Wait a minute.
226
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,266
You can get in my bedroom window
from the alley?
227
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,134
Let's ask Sweatpants.
Sweatpants!
228
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:26,106
Was I supposed to come in
through the bedroom?
229
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,141
All right, all right,
you made your point. Wow.
230
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,578
Never thought I would be
this vulnerable.
231
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,613
Good. So you agree
that I should take
232
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,047
a few safety precautions
around here?
233
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,182
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Would you guys get--
234
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,717
just get the hell
out of here, okay?
235
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,953
All right, come on,
Sweatpants, time to go.
236
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:43,156
You know,
I really expected more cats.
237
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,062
Well, Johnny Buggins,
238
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,297
that crazy act
doesn't work.
239
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,265
I tried it with
some weirdo on the bus,
240
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,934
and he invited me
to spend the night
241
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:57,004
in his abandoned dryer
under the highway.
242
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,139
All right, slow down.
243
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,307
Show me your Buggins.
244
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,844
Give me a freaking donut!
245
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,580
(laughs)
246
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:08,015
It was so cute.
247
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,283
You're like a
British Muppet.
248
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,685
Damn it.
249
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,020
Yo, so I just got
off the phone
250
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:13,987
with a security
company,
251
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,923
and they can, uh, put
bars in the windows
252
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,758
and install some cameras
all over the entrances.
253
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,893
Is Arthur cool
with all this surveillance?
254
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,295
Yeah, he said
I could take a few precautions.
255
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,031
This is nothing.
In my country,
256
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,232
the secret police
were everywhere.
257
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,267
How did you know
they were secret police?
258
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,235
Good point.
259
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,838
Maybe it was just a
bunch of nosy people.
260
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:33,774
Who abducted
my grandfather!
261
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,375
Well, the cameras will protect
Arthur when he's here,
262
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,210
but what about
when he goes out at night?
263
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,946
Oh, I'm way ahead of you.
See, I was thinking
264
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,380
we can all take turns
watching over him.
265
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,016
So, I bought this calendar
at the drug store.
266
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,251
Sexy firemen calendar?
267
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,120
It was on sale! All right...
268
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,756
Whoa, whoa, check
out those pecs.
269
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,391
Someone call 911,
am I right?
270
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,026
Can we focus on the schedule?
Thank you.
271
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:54,628
All right,
so I can do the morning shifts,
272
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,229
but Arthur goes to the bank
at night,
273
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,198
so I need someone to volunteer
to walk with him.
274
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,700
I can do Mondays after school.
275
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,001
Okay.
I'm free Thursdays.
276
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:01,869
Thursdays.
277
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,937
How much time does
he spend in the gym?
278
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:07,207
I mean, that's like
an eight-pack.
279
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,111
Put me down for abs-days.
I mean Wednesdays.
280
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,980
FRANCO:
Arthur,
281
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:13,781
glad you're here, man.
282
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,816
So, look, I had an idea,
all right,
283
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,350
um, that we'd all,
you know, accompany you
284
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,786
while you walked
around the neighborhood.
285
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:20,988
So you'll be
babysitting me, huh?
286
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,322
Nah, not at all.
287
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,057
It's just friends
looking after another friend.
288
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,258
Look, look, I'm not
a pathetic old man.
289
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:28,361
You know, I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
290
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,998
We talked about this, man.
You need to be safe.
291
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,900
I agree, which is why
I bought this.
292
00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,267
Oh!
293
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:37,370
We're going to be on the news!
294
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,913
Where'd you get that?
295
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,247
I went to a gun show.
296
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,117
Man, do they hate Obama.
297
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,219
We never talked about
you getting a gun.
298
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:54,087
Hey, come on, come on,
you're the one that wanted me
299
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,856
to be safe from
all the criminals, right, huh?
300
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,424
So now I got a gun,
now I'm safe.
301
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,760
Mind if I take a look
at that?
302
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:03,363
Looks like a Beretta 92FS,
double-action,
303
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,432
semiautomatic,
nine-millimeter.
304
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:08,836
15-round magazine. Yep.
305
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,838
You're definitely gonna
blow your head off.
306
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:11,872
Thanks.
307
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,474
How do you know
so much about guns?
308
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,409
I used to work
in a liquor store.
309
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,479
Wait until Jerry finds out
310
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,348
that Arthur has a gun.
311
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:22,415
Who's Jerry?
312
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:24,718
My scarecop.
313
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:26,854
I like to imagine his life
before he met me.
314
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,890
You know, he started out
as a menswear mannequin,
315
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:33,126
but became a cop because
he wanted to make a difference.
316
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,163
Now he's two weeks from
retirement, and, uh...
317
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:39,833
I have a lot of down time
at the dry cleaners!
318
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,502
Arthur, look, I'm just
trying to protect you.
319
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,471
So why do you want
to take my gun away?
320
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,339
Maybe because studies prove
that a gun in the home
321
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,976
poses a greater threat to family
members than to intruders.
322
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,845
That's true, but in states
where gun ownership goes up,
323
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,313
violent crime goes down.
324
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,815
Yeah, but 86% of...
325
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:55,715
Who cares?!
326
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,384
Like, 100% of Arthur
owns a gun right now,
327
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,053
which makes me a million
percent freaked out.
328
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,422
But why?
Now you're protected.
329
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,424
If a bad guy comes
into the shop,
330
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:07,360
Arthur can just
boom-boom, boom-boom!
331
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:12,099
That's shooting,
not dancing.
332
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,067
Wait, do you own a gun?
333
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,869
Guns.
334
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,438
And also no.
335
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,774
This is Chicago, okay?
Yeah, yeah.
336
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,509
I knew a lot of guys
who thought having a gun
337
00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,511
would make them feel
safer, and it didn't.
338
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,046
It just got them shot.
339
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,114
Randy, James,
340
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:27,981
we got a situation.
341
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:29,950
Arthur bought a gun;
you got to stop him.
342
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,284
Really?
Mm-hmm.
343
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:33,120
Is it registered?
You got a permit?
344
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,487
Yes.
345
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,688
Well, then I
can't stop him.
346
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,959
And the way crime's been lately,
it's not a half-bad idea.
347
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,460
So you're just
cool with this?
348
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,030
Well, if he's a responsible
gun owner, I'm fine.
349
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,564
JAMES: I don't know.
As a police officer,
350
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,133
I've seen
way too many people
351
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,300
hurt themselves
with their own gun.
352
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,501
FRANCO: Mm-hmm.
He shot himself.
353
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,103
I shot myself.
354
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:52,772
Well, you don't have to
worry about me.
355
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,541
I've handled a gun.
I've been in the Army.
356
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,076
You were a cook.
357
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,210
A pastry chef.
358
00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:00,047
Yeah, but believe me, I've seen
a lot of stuff go down.
359
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,182
Like what, a soufflé?
360
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,484
Randy, come on,
please help me out here.
361
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:05,919
All right, look, Arthur,
362
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,988
if you're really serious
about this,
363
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,522
we're gonna do it
the safe way.
364
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,291
I'm gonna take you
to the shooting range
365
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,060
and make sure you can
handle that thing.
366
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,195
All right, fine, if that'll
make everybody comfortable.
367
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,329
I'm going, too.
368
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,131
I want to see
if I should invest
369
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:21,068
in a Kevlar apron
and a bulletproof hairnet.
370
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,170
Come on, it's just a gun.
How complicated can it be?
371
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,208
Happens to me all the time.
372
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,113
Bam! Bam! Bam!
373
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,047
Get out of my shop!
374
00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,083
Those donuts might be
filled with jelly,
375
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,185
but I'm about
to fill you with lead!
376
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:39,486
Bam! Bam!
377
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:41,154
Would you stop
saying "bam"?
Huh?
378
00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:42,856
The guns make
the noises for you.
379
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,124
Oh.
380
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,059
I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
381
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,128
Okay, let's see
the damage.
382
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,396
(clears throat)
383
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:52,165
(grunts)
384
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:57,004
Good news, they can
use this one again.
385
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,039
There must be something
wrong with that target.
386
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,174
You know, in basketball,
I used to blame the hoop
387
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,476
until I realized I just suck.
(sighs)
388
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,313
Arthur, this, uh, gun thing
may just not be for you.
389
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,215
Why don't we get you
a whistle
390
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,117
and some pepper spray?
Oh, wonderful.
391
00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:13,320
Does that come with kitten
heels and a girdle, hmm?
392
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,155
What year do you think it is?
393
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,190
Look, Arthur,
we gave it a try.
394
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,026
Yeah, man.
395
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,128
Gun is not for you,
especially at your age.
396
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,196
All right,
all right.
397
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:26,599
I'll give up the gun, if
that'll get you off my back.
398
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,901
Yes, it would.
(gunfire)
399
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,902
And will you stop hanging out
400
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,070
at 4:00 a.m. in your robe?
401
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,972
All right, I'll wait
for the sun to rise,
402
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,140
like a damn rooster.
403
00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:37,210
Just tie your robe, so I don't
see your cock-a-doodle-doo.
404
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,112
Oh.
405
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:44,151
Look, a little present
for my ex-husband.
406
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,189
Shall we go?
407
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:11,611
Arthur, no!
Oh, my God! Oh, geez!
408
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,113
(panting)
409
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,714
I almost shot you.
410
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,150
You said you got rid of that.
411
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:19,686
I just wanted you
to get off my back.
412
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,321
Why are you following me?
413
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,256
'Cause I knew you were lying.
414
00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,093
Just hand it over, okay?
415
00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:27,094
All right.
416
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,661
(siren whooping)
417
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:30,697
OFFICER (over loudspeaker):
Drop the gun.
418
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:35,102
Okay, close your robe,
then drop the gun.
419
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,474
OFFICER: Well, I have
to say I'm impressed.
420
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,277
How'd you manage to wrestle a
gun away from this young man?
421
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,412
Huh?
422
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,414
Why you assume
I was robbing him?
423
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,016
It was his gun.
424
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,484
And what would I want to steal
from him, his flip phone?
425
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,520
Ah, we have a motive.
426
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:54,654
Yeah, you got me.
427
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:58,191
I'm the uptown
obsolete-technology bandit.
428
00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:00,660
And a confession.
429
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,329
Oh, come on,
would you stop it?
430
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,397
It was my gun.
He works for me.
431
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:07,134
Have you called
Officer DeLuca yet, huh?
432
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,668
I told you,
she'll vouch for us.
433
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,237
Yeah, she said she's on the way,
434
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,439
she just needs
a cup of coffee first.
435
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:16,209
All right, you guys hang tight.
FRANCO: All right.
436
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:22,282
Damn, I almost
killed you.
437
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:25,752
Yeah, you could have.
438
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:28,388
Now can you
give up the gun?
439
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:32,759
I guess it's obvious I
shouldn't be carrying one.
440
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:36,196
But I'm not gonna let you scare
me out of living my own life.
441
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,330
Do you understand?
442
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,631
Okay.
443
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,334
I'll back off.
444
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,469
All right.
445
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,204
Look, man, you...
446
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,607
you at least have to let me
put up some bars on the windows
447
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,177
or some cameras
or something.
448
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:53,280
Can I still get the
newspaper by myself?
449
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,348
Can you wait till
the sun comes up?
450
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:59,686
Or read the news online
like everyone else under 90?
451
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,221
I'll wait till
the sun comes up.
452
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,156
Thank you.
453
00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:05,558
And, look, I'm-I'm sorry
I got in your head.
454
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,294
All right.
455
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,762
But I lost a lot of friends
to guns in this damn city,
456
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:10,830
all right?
457
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:14,267
And I can't stand the thought
of losing another one.
458
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:17,437
Oh, so now I'm
your friend, huh?
459
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,374
Not if you keep making
my emotional moments about you.
460
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:22,542
(laughing)
461
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,377
Selfish bastard.
462
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,812
All right,
bring it in, man.
Yeah.
463
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:26,813
No, no.
Where...
464
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:30,083
No, over. There.
465
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,651
Are you okay, sir?!
Is he trying to assault you?!
466
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,320
Oh, stop it, will you?!
467
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:34,621
Randy, hey!
Hey!
468
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,656
Randy.
FRANCO: Hey, Randy.
469
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,427
Go ahead. Go for it.
470
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,595
So, DeLuca, were you on a date,
471
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,565
or did you get a job
as a blackjack dealer?
472
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:49,402
No, but he was 21.
473
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:52,405
And I did tell him
to hit it.
474
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,508
Solid. Nice one.
475
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:56,509
All right, look.
476
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:59,679
He's cool, and he's cool.
477
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,448
So are you cool
if I take it from here?
478
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,416
Yeah.
Thank you.
479
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,118
Bye.
All right, all right.
480
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,719
Thank you, Randy.
481
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,689
Well, I guess I got to start
making the donuts now, huh?
482
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,392
Good. Kill people
the old-fashioned way--
483
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,261
with heart disease
and diabetes.
484
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,262
Yeah.
485
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,329
Thanks, Randy.
486
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:17,630
Well, where you going
with those?
487
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,666
I told you, I have a date.
488
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,478
All right, got two cameras
in the shop,
489
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,780
two outside, and two upstairs
in Arthur's apartment.
490
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:36,249
And all the cameras are linked
to this app on my phone.
491
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,218
Where is Arthur,
anyway?
492
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,486
Haven't seen him
all morning.
493
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,289
He's running an errand,
but he just got back.
494
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,324
How do you know?
Well, look.
495
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,630
Ooh. Yeah, that fish-eye lens
is not his friend.
496
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,435
Whoa! It wasn't the lens.
497
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,538
Well, hopefully we won't be
seeing much on those cameras.
498
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,207
The extra police presence
499
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,441
is starting
to make a difference.
500
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:02,275
That's right.
501
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,212
Crime in uptown
is trending downtown.
502
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,446
(chuckles)
503
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,881
In my head,
that was hilarious.
504
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,418
I'm just glad we can
stop working so hard.
505
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,620
(Fawz yells)
506
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:14,421
Come with me!
507
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:17,390
Some kids just stole
my scarecop!
508
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:20,627
Come on, Hawaii Five-Slow,
let's go!
509
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,928
It's all you, James.
510
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,530
All right, I'm on it.
511
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,932
Yes! We can watch
the chase on my phone, look.
512
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,567
Let's see.
513
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,270
Oh! Mannequin cop down!
514
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,938
No, that's James.
515
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,172
(groans)
516
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:38,478
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
517
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:42,515
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37256