All language subtitles for The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet S04E20 Personal Column 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-CRFW (1)_track4_[eng]

[music playing]

- [SINGING] Every day's
a holiday with Hotpoint.

The dishwasher stops all
your dish-washing drudgery.

Hotpoint's electric range
cooks automatically.

Every day's a holiday
with Hotpoint.

The refrigerator with
wonderful frost-away.

Washer and dryer mean
goodbye to wash day.

Hotpoint dealers bring you
"The Ozzie and Harriet Show."

[theme music]

- And now, Hotpoint presents
America's favorite family

comedy, "The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire
Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet,
David, and Ricky--

with Don DeFore as Thorny.

- All right, all
right, where's the key?

- Boy, some of these stories
are sure hard to believe.

[chatter from tv]

- They sure are.

Sometimes, true life happenings
are even harder to believe.

- Pop?

- Yeah?

- Can they convict a man on
circumstantial evidence alone?

- Well, no, not legally.

But actually, there
have been cases

where the chain of
circumstantial evidence

was so strong, it was
difficult to refute.

- It has to be corroborated
though, doesn't it?

- [chuckles] Well,
yes, in a court of law,

but not necessarily in your
relationship with people.

- What do you mean, Pop?

- Well, I think we're all guilty
of jumping to hasty conclusions

simply because we put
a lot of facts together

and then add them up wrong.

- Somehow, I sense
that this is going

to be a husbands versus
wives discussion any minute.

- [chuckles] Well, Harriet, you
must admit a lot of families

squabble start just because
some poor guy's wife finds him

guilty on purely
circumstantial evidence.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- What about that guy
from the bowling club?

You know, the
friend of Thorny's?

- What about him?

- Oh, didn't you
hear about that?

Well, he was down at the
airport seeing some business

acquaintances off, and
this nearsighted woman

got off an airplane
and rushed up to him

and threw her arms around him
and hugged him and kissed him,

got lipstick all over
the guy's collar.

And he had a heck
of a time making

his wife believe the story.

- Well, you must
admit, it's kind of

hard to believe that
a woman would just

rush up to a strange man and
think he was her husband.

- Well, as I say, I don't know.

That was his story, though.

I must admit, those
things don't happen to me.

In fact, nothing exciting
ever happens to me.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, you
know, strange people

don't come rushing up to
me in airports or things

of that sort.

- Well, if you're talking
about strange women,

they'd better not.

I'll hit them over the head.

- [chuckles] I guess I
just don't have a friendly

personality or something.

- I think you have a
fine personality, Pop.

- Well, of course he does.

- Oh, well, thanks
a lot, but it's

just that certain people
seem to have a magnetism.

- Well, whatever
it is, I think you

and Mom both have plenty of it.

In fact, I think I'm
pretty lucky to have

such young-looking,
attractive parents.

- Well, thank you, dear.

We like you, too.

- Oh, thanks, son.

- Well, I'd better get upstairs
and get on my homework.

I want to turn in
kind of early tonight.

Good night, Mom.
- Good night, darling.

- Good night, Pop.

- Good night, son.

- Well, that was very
nice of Ricky, wasn't it?

- Yeah.

I can't figure it out.

- Can't figure what out?

- Well, judging
by the buildup, I

thought, sure, he wanted to
stay up a couple of hours later.

- Oh, not necessarily.

- Well, you must admit it
sounded a little like a "before

Christmas" speech.

- I'm afraid you're getting
cynical in your old age.

- Oh, Pop?

Apropos of nothing at all, I
thought I'd just remind you,

my birthday is at
the end of this week.

[music playing]

- You're not going
to read, are you?

- Oh, just this one story.

It won't take long.

- I'm kind of sleepy.

- Mr. Nelson?

- Uh, yes.

- Excuse me.

I'm very nearsighted, but
aren't you my husband?

- Oh, uh, no.

I'm sure you're mistaken.

- Oh, no, I'm not.

You are.
- Wait a minute!

He's my husband.

[interposing voices]

- Uh, girls, please, if
you're going to kiss me,

you'll have to take
off your glasses.

Oh, my wife will
never believe this.

[chuckles] Oh!

Hey, Red, for goodness' sakes.

[chuckles]

- What's the matter, dear?

- I guess I was dreaming.

- Oh, well, good night.

- Good night, dear.

- Oh, wait a minute.

- Hey, listen to this
in the Personals column.

"Elwood, I was wrong.

It was all my fault.
I was to blame.

Please come home."

She probably wants him to
come home and argue it out.

- That was in yesterday, too.

- You mean you read
these things every day?

- Oh, sure.
They're wonderful.

Real human interest stuff.

- Certainly some crazy
ones, I tell you that much.

- I think they're
interesting, though.

Some of them are pretty
hard to figure out.

It's sort of like
decoding spy messages.

- Here's one that gives
a little medical advice.

Listen to this.

Evidently, this patient has
a hangover and can't sleep.

- How do you figure that?

- Well, listen to it.

"Dear Max, get rid of the
ice and take a powder.

Signed, Doc."

- You know very well
you made that up.

Besides, you'd better
take a powder yourself

or you're never going
to get downtown.

- Bye.

- Bye.

[music playing]

- Can I help you with that?

- Thank you.

I don't seem to be
getting anywhere with it.

- Well, these bus windows
are a little difficult.

Uh, would you mind
holding the packages?

- Not at all.

- There we are.

I think that's about
as far down as it goes.

- I'm sorry.

I should have told you,
I was trying to close it.

- Oh!

For goodness sakes, I
should have asked you.

Here, I'll get it up for you.

- Oh, don't bother, please.

- Oh, that's OK.

I can use the exercise.

They're real tough.

Get a little better
grip on it here.

Look, uh, why don't
we change seats?

I don't mind the fresh air.

- I'm sorry I bothered you.

- Oh, that's OK.

- This is very nice of you.

I hope you won't catch
cold sitting there.

- Oh, no, no, this is fine.

I'm wearing my
long, uh, top coat.

- Step to the rear, please.

Plenty of room in
the back of the bus.

Bunch of air in the rear tires,
much smoother ride back there.

[music playing]

- Quite a few packages here.

I've been shopping.

- I've been doing
a little myself.

Are you sure you don't mind
being next to the open window?

- No, no, no, it's
perfectly all right.

Fresh air is good.

It's really stuck.

- I feel so guilty.

Are you sure you don't
want your seat back?

- No, no, no, this is fine.

It's nice and cool.

Crisp.

[music playing]

Uh, may I look at your
paper for a minute?

- Surely.

- Thank you.

- Are you looking for work?

- Oh, uh, no, I just thought I'd
glance at the Personals column.

You know, Lonely Hearts Clubs.

- You shouldn't have any
trouble finding a girl.

- Oh-- [chuckles] no,
it's nothing like that.

But I just recently
learned there

are a lot of interesting things
in these Personals column.

You know, human interest
stuff, things like that.

Oh, look here.

This morning's paper carried
an ad by the same person

as this one.
- Really?

What is it?

- It says, uh, "Nuh uh.

Signed, Elwood."

- I hate to say
anything so personal,

but you remind me of a fella
I used to go with in school.

- Oh, well, gee,
thank you very much.

- He was star fullback
on our football team.

- Oh, is that so?

- Very athletic.

Had broad shoulders.

- Oh, and you say I
remind you of him?

- Well, it's your
shoulders mainly.

I couldn't help but
notice how broad

they are the last time
you tugged at the window.

- Oh-- [chuckles] my shoulders
aren't really so broad.

Boy!

It's really stuck.

- Franklin Avenue.

Let 'em off, please.

- Oh, this is where I get off.

I'm sorry I couldn't get
the window closed for you.

- That's all right.

- It was very nice
to have met you.

- Thank you.

I hope we meet again sometime.
- Thank you.

Same here.

- Step down, please.

- I was just wondering
if my shoulders would

fit through the door here.

OK.

[music playing]

Oh, hi.

- Hi, dear.

Boy, you're loaded.

- Yeah, I bought a few
things for Ricky's birthday.

I'd better get them in the
closet before he gets home.

- You must be tired.

Was the bus crowded?

- Well, yeah, but I'm
not especially tired.

Uh, if you promise
you won't get mad,

I'll tell you something
happened on the bus.

- All right, I promise
not to get mad.

What happened on the bus?

- Well, I met this very
interesting and very attractive

girl.

- Well, good for you.

- Yeah, uh, she was trying
to close the bus window,

so I opened it for her.

- Isn't that nice?

Coming from anybody
else but you, dear,

that would sound confusing.

- And here's the kicker.

I'm probably crazy
for telling you this,

but she seemed to find
me rather attractive.

As a matter of fact,
among other things,

she mentioned she thought I
had nice, broad shoulders.

- Well, that isn't surprising.

You always have
broad shoulders when

you wear that new top coat.

- Oh, Harriet, the topcoat
had nothing to do with it.

Here, the top coat's off.

What's wrong with my shoulders?

- Nothing.

Here's a hanger.

Hang them in the closet.

- Are you suggesting I
don't have broad shoulders?

- No, you have very
nice shoulders.

- You don't say it
as if you mean it.

- I mean it.

You have very nice shoulders.

- I'll tell you this
much, my shoulders

are broader than yours.

- You know something?

I'm glad.

- Did you ever notice
Thorny's shoulders?

He has those sloping kind.

My shoulders are square.

When it rains, I
get puddles up here.

- Like I said, dear, you
have very nice shoulders.

- I'll tell you
something else she said.

- Who, dear?

- The girl on the bus.

Uh, just as I was getting off,
she kind of looked up at me

and said, I hope we meet again.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

- You're not even jealous?

- Not yet.

I'll tell you something,
though, if you

do any smiling or chuckling
in your sleep tonight,

I'm going to wake you up.

[music playing]

Ozzie?

- Yeah?

- Take a look at this.

- Whereabouts?

- Right there in the
Personals column.

- "Will the gentleman who tried
to shut the bus window for me

yesterday kindly call
Hudson 2-5-9-5-7?

Please, Broad Shoulders,
this is important.

Signed, Anxious."

- What do you make of
it, Broad Shoulders?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

This is probably
just a coincidence.

Bus window could have
been stuck all day.

Probably 10 guys with broad
shoulders tried to close it.

And you know how many
girls are anxious.

- Maybe she's got a
window stuck at home

and wants you to close it.

- Harriet, don't be ridiculous.

- Well, don't you think you
ought to phone her, dear,

just to make sure?

- Well, OK, if it'll
make you happy,

I'll go down to the
drugstore and phone

her right after breakfast.

- Why don't you
phone her from here?

- Well, we don't have a booth.

Well, that is, well,
for goodness sakes,

dear, you don't think--

- I don't think what?

- Well, at a time
like this, maybe it'd

be just as well if
you don't think.

[music playing]

- Hi, Oz!

- Oh, hello, Thorny.

- What in the world are you
doing here all by yourself?

- What does it look
like I'm doing?

I'm sitting here
on your back steps.

- Well, gee, you don't have
to get mad about it, Oz.

I didn't know you like
to sit on back steps.

Look, I'm your friend.

Please feel free to sit on my
back steps any time you want.

And when you get tired of
sitting on my back steps,

we'll go over and sit on
Doc Williams's back steps.

Then, we'll work our way
right down the block.

- Will you cut out the
funny stuff, please, Thorny?

I'm trying to do some
serious thinking.

Something very
upsetting has happened.

- Oh?

- I want you to look at
me and tell me the truth.

Do my shoulders seem unusually
broad and massive to you?

- Well, I hate to
say this, Oz, but we

used to have a cat
with bigger shoulders.

- I'd expect an answer
like that from you,

you and your sloping shoulders.

Would you like to know
what's upsetting me?

- No, not especially, Oz.

- Well, take a look at this.

This was in this morning's
paper, Personals column.

The ad right there.

- "Will the gentleman who tried
to shut the bus window for me

yesterday kindly call
Hudson 2-5-9-5-7?

Please, Broad Shoulders,
this is important.

Signed, Anxious."

What's this all about?

- Well, don't you see, Thorny?

That's me.

- [chuckles] Well, what's
the trouble, Anxious?

- No, no, I'm Broad Shoulders.

- Oh.

Now, wait a minute now,
let's figure this thing out

intelligently.

You mean this Anxious woman
wants you to call her, right?

- That's right, and I can't for
the life of me figure out why.

- Well, maybe she's got another
window she wants closed.

- You think that's funny.

That's exactly
what Harriet said.

- Now, wait a minute.

You mean Harriet
knows about this?

- Well, of course she does.

She was the one who showed
me that in the paper.

- Wait a minute, Oz.

All of a sudden, this whole
thing is clear as crystal.

- Well, not to me it isn't.

- It's obvious!

Harriet put this in the paper.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Harriet wouldn't play a
trick like that on me.

- Keep talking.

- Well, she wouldn't kid me
like that, and you know it.

- Go on.

- She'd be more considerate.

She just isn't the
practical joker type.

- Keep working on it, Oz.

- Why should she do
a thing like that?

- You're getting warm.

- It isn't like Harriet.

- I hear you talkin'.

- Pretty clever
trick, wasn't it?

[music playing]

Uh, Harriet?

- Yes, dear?

- Uh, shall we play
cat-and-mouse for a while,

or do you want to tell me?

[chuckles]

- Oh, let's play
cat-and-mouse for a while.

You run under the desk,
and I'll chase you.

- Pretty clever.

How much did it cost you?

- How much did what cost me?

- This ad you put in the
paper to play a joke on me.

- Honestly, I didn't put
that ad in the paper.

If you don't believe me, why
don't you call the number

and find out?

- OK, I can go along with a gag.

What is it?

The city dump, or the morgue,
or the police station?

- Honestly, I had nothing
to do with the ad.

- I know you're bluffing.

[phone ringing]

It's ringing.

- Hello?

- Hi, Mr. Nelson!

- Oh, hiya, Susie.

- Where you going?

- Oh, no place in particular.

I'm just walking
around here, thinking.

- Well, you look worried.

Something bothering you?

- Oh, well, it's kind
of a silly thing.

See, I was riding on
the bus yesterday,

and this woman was
sitting alongside me.

And, well, I picked up
the paper this morning,

and there was an ad in
the Personals column

where she wants me to phone her.

- Mr. Nelson, you heartbreaker!

[squeals]

- It really doesn't
rate a squeal, Susie.

- Well, don't stop now.

What happened?

- Well--

- She dropped into
the seat beside you.

Though not a word was spoken,
your magnetic personality

broke any barrier between you.

- No, no, I just opened
the window for her.

- She glanced at you.

She saw your laughing blue eyes,
the firm jaw, the dimpled chin.

She was powerless against you.

She tried to appear calm,
but within a within her,

a spark was struck.

The spark became a
flame, and the flame

became a roaring inferno!

- I just opened the window.

- And now, she sits
in her lonely room,

just waiting for you to call.

Oh, Mr. Nelson, how can
you be so heartless?

Just think of that
poor girl sitting there

by the phone waiting,
waiting, waiting,

taking the phone in her arms
and pretending it's you.

- Oh, no, no, it was
nothing like that.

- Then tell me, Mr. Nelson,
what does this other woman

look like?

- Well, oh, don't use the
expression "other woman,"

Susie.

It was nothing like that.

It was just a girl
who was in the bus

and I opened the window for her.

- Is she glamorous?

- Well, she's rather
nice looking, yes.

- Um, did she have long,
dark hair in a ponytail?

- Yes, she did.

- Was she wearing a beige top
coat and in black toreador

pants?

- You must have seen her!

- Sure, I did.

She went in your house
a few minutes ago.

- Went into our house?

Why didn't you tell me?

That's awful!

Mrs. Nelson's in there!

She's probably-- I'd
better get in there!

[music playing]

Oh!

Hello, dear.

There you are.

It's me, Ozzie.

- Well, hello, Mr. Nelson.

- No, no, not--

- Remember me?

- Oh, yes, the girl on the bus.

How are you, friend?

- Fine, thank you.

- That's good.

Uh, Harriet, I was just
wondering what she told--

what you were talking about.

And, uh, you know
how people are.

They worry about each other.

How are you, dear?

- I'm fine.

Ozzie, this is Mrs. Beaumont.

- Yes, uh, we met, I told you.

I don't believe I mentioned
that my wife and I are married.

- Yes, I know.

- It's wonderful to
have a happy marriage.

You'll find out when you
get married, Mrs. Beaumont.

Uh, Mrs. Beaumont?

- Yes, I'm married, too.

- Does your husband
know you're here?

- Oh, no, he doesn't
know anything about it.

Which reminds me, I've
got to be running along.

It's been awfully nice
meeting you, Mrs. Nelson.

- Oh, well, thank you.

I'm happy to have met you, too.

- So glad everything's
been straightened out.

- Yes, so am I.

- Oh, so am I.

- I'll probably be seeing
you on the bus from time

to time, Mr. Nelson.

- Uh, yes, I'll be waving
to you from the sidewalk.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

Uh, Harriet?

- Yes, dear?

- I wonder how she
knew where I live.

- I called her up and told her.

- What did you do that for?

- Well, so she could stop
by and pick up the package

you walked off with yesterday.

Evidently, you got them
mixed up on the bus.

- Wait a minute.

Uh, I brought one of
her packages home here?

- Yes, that's right.

I noticed it when I was
looking at the things you

bought for Ricky's birthday.

It didn't look like
something you'd buy for him.

- Well, what was it?

- A large pair of long,
red, flannel underwear.

- How about that?

- I thought at first,
it was a red pup tent

until I noticed the three
buttons on what I thought

was the tent flap.

- If that's all she wanted, why
didn't she put that in the ad?

- Oh, sure, that'd be a
fine ad to put in the paper.

"When you got off the bus,
you took my long underwear

with you.
Signed, Chilly."

- How about that?

A beautiful girl
like that wearing

long, red, flannel underwear.

- Oh, they weren't for her.

That was a surprise
present for her husband.

He likes to go skiing.

- Oh.

Well, maybe, yes, and maybe
that's just what she said.

She seemed kind of
nervous, you know?

- Oh, Ozzie, that's ridiculous.

- Well, well, maybe so.

Nevertheless, I'll never
see a beautiful girl

on a bus on a chilly day
again without wondering

just a little bit.

Hey, that'd make a
pretty good slogan.

"She's engaged.

She's lovely.

She wears red flannel snuggies."

[music playing]

- You'd better eat
your breakfast.

It'll get cold.

- Well, I've been eating it.

- Well, you'd better hold
your paper a little higher.

You're drowning Lil'
Abner in the coffee.

- Oh.

[chuckles] Sorry, Ab, I
didn't know I was that close.

- Ozzie, did you see this?

- What's that?

- Well, here in the Personals,
this ad addressed to Honeyboy.

- Honeyboy?

- "Honeyboy, you were sweet
to close the bus window for me

yesterday.

I didn't get your name,
but I'd love to know you."

And it's signed "Cuddles."

Isn't that a coincidence?

Probably somebody who got the
idea from the Broad Shoulders

ad.

- Yeah, that's
probably it, all right.

- Wait a second.

Did you ride home
on the bus again?

- Oh, uh, yes, uh, now that
you mention it, I guess I did.

- It couldn't be you, could it?

- [CHUCKLING] Oh, well.

Harriet, for goodness sakes.

[phone ringing]

- I'll get it.

Ozzie, where are you going?

- Uh, just out for a
brisk run down the street.

If they ask for Honeyboy,
you don't know me.

[ending theme]

Well, good night, folks.

We'll see you again next week.

- Good night.

And remember, every day's
a holiday with Hotpoint.

- Seven days a week.

- 365 days a year.

- Every day's a
holiday with Hotpoint.

- Georgia Helen played the
part of the girl on the bus.

Diane Jergens was seen
as Susie, and Joi Lansing

as the girl on the plane.

This is Verne Smith speaking.

This has been an ABC Television
Network presentation.