Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

[Will] To the untrained eye,

it may look like another day at school.

But actually, it was a very special week.

Or, in Neil's case, a very special needs week.

Oh, bollocks, no way is that right.

You all right, Neil? What are you playing?

Oh, behave. That's well too hard.

Brain Training?

Stupid thing. Why is that wrong?

What's it say your brain age is Neil?

I got it up to 12 a minute ago.

-[laughing] -Twelve? 12 years old?

Have you caught Down's syndrome or something?

Has it asked if Santa is real?

Don't listen to them, Neil. He does exist.

Yeah, and he's just sorted our Saturday night out

with the gift of gash.

Sexy soiree? That sounds sexy.

Fucking hell, is that Louise Graham?

She doesn't normally look like that.

She'd definitely get it. Right in the bumhole.

Lucky girl.

This is amazing, we have been invited to a cool party.

Yeah. Kind of.

I nicked it out of Sadie Cunningham's

bag in registration.

I Thought we should try and go.

All right, so, it's another cool party

we're specifically not invited to? Good job, Jay.

Um... isn't there something else on Saturday night, anyway?

-Don't think so. -It's my birthday.

I'm having a dinner party.

I sent you the invites a month ago.

Is that really happening? I thought it was a joke.

It's a joke that we've got to go to

a dinner party rather than a sex party.

Two things. One, it's not gonna be a sex party, is it?

It's Louise Graham we're talking about.

And two, even if it is you were invited to my party first.

Just cancel yours, Will, you can have your birthday any weekend.

Thanks, Neil.

Simon, you don't want to go to Louise Graham's, do you?

Me? No, God no. No.

Not unless you're going to cancel yours.

-I'm not. -Sure. Sure.

Oh, except my French exchange bloke is arriving today.

I'm meant to look after him all week.

Bring him along.

It'll be nice to have some sophistication at the party.

I don't know if he's that sophisticated.

Some friend of my mum's asked if we'd look after him.

He might be a massive twat.

What, he's the French version of you?

Don't forget you've got to bring a girl.

I'd like it to be a proper dinner party.

-Can I ask your mum? -No.

[Will] So, after school we went to say bonjour to Patrice.

What's France like then, Patrice?

Cool. And are the French birds dirty?

Quoi?

He doesn't get any. Look at him, he's all greasy.

Birds don't go for that, French or not.

[in French]

Pardon?

[in English] Yeah, I thought that's what you said.

I think you'll be okay around here.

-What did he say? -Do you not speak any French?

No. I think that's why my mum was keen for him to come over,

to try and teach me a bit. I've picked up "Clop" so far.

What does that mean?

Cigarette. He smokes like a chimney.

Simon. You have porn?

Oh, for fuck's sake, I keep saying. No, I don't.

-Internet? -No.

You can't get any porn on the Internet?

It's not the Internet you're thinking about.

Are you trying to get porn on the washing machine?

My mum and dad have got a filter on it. I can't see any.

Oh, that is fucking tragic.

What are you, 11?

[in French]

Yeah, all right, mate.

-See you later, Patrice. -[Simon] He seems a bit weird.

He asked if I'd tried the "sleeping beauty."

-Oh, it's good, that. -What, you know it?

Yeah. You sit on your arm till your hand goes dead.

Ten, 15 minutes is normally enough.

Then when you wank it feels like someone else is doing it.

How do you know these things?

Oh, everyone knows the "sleeping beauty," that's old.

-Is it? -Yeah,

my mate's brother invented it.

He and his mates used to be called the Dead Hand Gang.

They had a gang based on masturbation?

There's nothing gay about that!

Well, he's in the air force now, so, how gay is that?

Still quite gay.

[Will] So, my dinner party guest list

was shaping up nicely.

Four idiots and a racist Frenchman.

It's going to be tricky to get girls

to come to your party, I think.

What? 'Cause y'all forgot, it's short notice?

No, 'cause Louise Graham's quite popular.

Most people will be at hers.

Please say you'll at least try and bring girls.

This birthday can't be as depressing as last year.

What, because you got that briefcase?

No, Neil, because my father left my mother.

Maybe we'll see what Carli's up to.

Not being seen dead with you

in a million years is what she's up to.

Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again?

Don't worry about me, mate.

I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment.

Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along.

That little barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

You've pulled a barmaid? Nice.

Has she got special dietary requirements?

It's just that I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts.

-My nuts. -Brilliant.

-Or my cock. -She only eats small portions?

I didn't hear your mum complaining.

Although her mouth was full at the time.

-Yup. Good one! -Just drop us off here, Si.

Don't you want a lift to school?

Yeah, this is close enough.

Don't want to be seen getting out of this shit heap.

-[Neil] No offense, mate. -See you later.

-Actually, I might get out too. -Fine, see you at school.

Do you want to get in the front, Patrice?

-No. -Great.

[Will] They say the quickest way

to a man's heart is through his stomach.

But I was hoping it would also

be a good way into my female guests' knickers.

What about a chicken casserole?

Why are you even asking?

If it was up to me we'd all have Big Macs.

Did you not see Super Size Me?

Yeah. It just made me really want a Big Mac.

[computer beeps]

Oh, Shit, Charlotte's online.

Have you asked her along yet?

No, I don't know if I should after everything.

Go on, it'll be great. Message her now.

-Really, do you think so? -Yes, it'd be cool.

-Just say, "Hi." -All right.

-[typing] -Done it.

Oh, wow, she comes right back.

Says, "Hi, whassup". Smiley face. Ugh.

-Ask her out. -No.

I can't just jump in, not the way things have been with us.

Have to charm her a bit first.

I've written, "Just hanging out

with Si and his French exchange."

[beeps]

She thinks you're handsome?

Oh, no. She means Patrice. Thank God. Ugh, I'm a div.

Hmm. Another smiley face.

Can't bring myself to send a smiley back,

but I suppose could write "LOL" if I absolutely had to.

Do that.

It's going well, mate, ask her out.

-It's going well, isn't it? -Definitely.

[typing]

"It's my birthday. Come for dinner?"

That pause isn't good.

Calm down, it's only been a second.

Although she was straight back every time before.

-[beeps] -Holy shit.

She's gone offline

rather than answer whether or not she'll come?

-Maybe the connection dropped? -No, it was back and forward.

Then a question about dinner and she's gone.

Brilliant, perfect, thanks a bunch!

Look, she didn't say "no," did she?

-No. But she did hang up. -So, I'm sure she'll be there.

Well, not sure, but you know.

Oh, hello, Simon.

-Bonjour. -Oh, my goodness, you're French.

Um... This is Patrice, he's my sort of French exchange.

Uh, Patrice, this is Will's mum.

Hello.

Well, I'm just off to play tennis.

[chuckles nervously] Don't know why I mentioned that.

Bye, then. Au revoir, Patrice.

Au revoir.

-Your mother is very sexy. -Sorry?

She has the sex.

He's a strange one, isn't he?

Yeah, but he's just French, they're all weird, aren't they?

Oh, God, please don't be racist.

That's not racist, I'm just saying he barely says anything

and when he does speak it's always about sex.

Just like all French people.

[Will] The next day was my birthday,

and mum was serving me up her specialty.

Scrambled eggs and disappointment.

-Happy birthday, petal. -Thanks, Mum.

Here's your present. It's nothing big, though.

I'm saving up for something special next year,

when you can drive.

Next year? I can drive this year.

I thought you had to be 18 to drive?

No, it's 17.

Oh, right.

Sorry, your father used to deal with things like that.

Aw, thanks, Mum. Calvin Klein. It is...

It's a tight vest top.

Don't you like the color?

Is this the only present you've got me?

What's wrong with it?

When have you ever seen me wear something like that?

You'll look cool. All the boy bands wear them.

I'm not in a boy band.

Fine. Fine. I've got a receipt. You can exchange it.

I'm sorry. I've ruined your big day.

I got it wrong about the driving and now about this.

No. Sorry, Mum. I suppose it's not too bad.

You don't want me to exchange it?

No, I will wear it.

Tonight?

Oh, um...

Not tonight.

You hate it. Oh, God, I'll change it.

No, fine. I'll definitely wear it tonight.

Patrice spends an awfully long time in the shower, doesn't he?

Yeah, about him.

Since it's Will's birthday tonight,

do you think you could look after Patrice?

No, you're meant to be learning from him, Simon.

Anyway we're going out.

Can't you take him with you?

It's a special night out for us.

We don't really need a 17-year-old

French boy tagging along.

Things haven't got that bad in the bedroom yet!

Jesus Christ.

Besides, he'll have much more fun with you and the boys.

He doesn't. He just sits around

rolling cigarettes and shrugging.

Must be useful having a handsome Frenchman

in tow to meeting the ladies.

He's not handsome.

-Patrice is handsome. -Aye-aye! I'd better watch it!

Looks like your mother is lining up a toy boy!

Oh, God.

-Chance would be a fine thing. -Not you too.

Just remember, gorgeous.

What I lack in energy, I make up for in experience.

-[Alan grunting] -[Pamela giggling]

Oh, God, you two are disgusting.

Come on, you used to look up much worse on the Internet.

[Will] Elsewhere on the Internet,

the dead hand gang

was enrolling its latest recruit.

[pornographic noises on computer]

[Mrs. Cartwright] Jay, Neil's here for ya.

What? He's early. Don't come in, I'm getting changed.

-Are you okay? -It's just a film.

It's just a normal film. I'm getting changed. Get out.

[pornographic noises continue]

What film's that, then?

Oh, right.

[Will] So, whilst I was making my final preparations,

including putting on shit music girls would like,

Patrice had been busy too.

I just had a really nice tug thinking about your mother.

I think some went on the floor. Sorry.

Great, thanks, Patrice.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it. It could be Charlotte.

Well, it's not going to be Charlotte.

Cheer up, it might be. She's got the details,

you said so yourself.

All right, gays.

[Will] Oh. Happy birthday to me.

It was 8:30 p.m. on my 17th birthday,

and my party was in full swing.

[quiet music playing]

Where's your plus one then, Jay?

Not coming. She got a modeling job, had to fly to Paris.

Barmaid by day, supermodel by night. Sounds likely.

Where's Little Miss Stuck-up Cock-tease then?

-Do you mean Carli? -Yep.

Yeah, I don't think Carli will make it.

-Why not? Is something up? -No, it's nothing like that.

I just sort of didn't invite her in the end.

You really are a bollockless little twat, aren't you?

So, there are going to be no women here then?

None at all? I don't know why I bother.

Well, I wouldn't say there will be no women.

Yeah, not no women!

So, there are some women coming?

Maybe, maybe not.

Look, it's very clear from your smirking faces and tone of voice

that actually there are some women coming.

We got you a special birthday treat.

-Did you? -Stripper!

What?

Have you really booked a stripper?

Yeah, she was only a 150 quid.

How did you manage to pay for that?

We haven't. We'll just have a whip-round when she gets here.

A whip-round? Round who? The five of us?

We don't have 30 quid each!

No, if we all put in... Wait...

Oh, shit, yeah.

Brilliant. So just to confirm,

until an angry stripper turns up,

we are without any female company?

Thanks, guys, this is a great birthday.

If you're going to cry about it,

I'll go and get some of local snatch in.

What about them birds we passed outside?

-Yeah, they were all right. -Oh, yes, please,

drag some random girls off the street for me!

Or we could go to Louise Graham's party?

Yeah, why aren't we there?

It's got to be better than this shithole.

Thanks very much. More wine?

Oh, I bet it's crawling with clunge.

And I bet it's not!

Yeah, and you'd know?

Look, I've put lots of effort into this.

I made a really nice coq au vin.

Cock of what?

[sighs in exasperation] You don't help yourself, do you?

Oh, yes, I see. "Coq au vin," very mature.

It means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?

Quoi?

Well, it does. And it doesn't mean cock up my arse,

or cock on my head, or...

You got some cock in the back of a van?

Or that I got a cock in the back of a van.

Look, all I wanted was a civilized

and sophisticated birthday.

Just something a bit different from the usual parties,

maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by.

Okay, so there aren't any girls here,

but why don't we at least attempt

to have a sophisticated conversation?

I know it's a tall order,

and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go

as it is my fucking birthday!

How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Not now, just when you was younger.

How much could you get up there?

You are grim, mate.

Why were you sticking Lego up your bum?

Not a lot, just like a rectangular one and a long one.

Couple of singles, maybe.

Fine, let's see if those girls outside

want to come join us then.

-Yes! -Yes!

Are you sure, mate? I thought you wanted this to be special?

Why fight it? Charlotte's not coming, is she?

And a skillful raconteur like Neil is wasted on just us.

Nice one. Now I get a proper three-course meal,

blowie, shag and anal.

[Will] So we headed into the night,

and found Jay's three courses sitting on a fence.

-Allo, allo. Here they are. -[Neil] Nice.

They look a bit rough.

Are they drinking in the street?

Dirty.

Not quite the sophisticates

I had in mind, but at least they're female.

-You going over then, Jay? -No, Si should.

-What? Why me? -Alphabetical.

You got a bent look that girls go for.

Fine, if you're going to be rude, you go then.

Sorry for being rude.

Just go, Si, it's freezing out here.

Come on, Si. For me, yeah? For my birthday?

God, all right then.

-Hi, there. -What did you fucking say?

-Um, hello. -And what?

Um... I wanted to ask you to a party?

I'm 13.

-Oh, right. -And she's 11, you nonce.

Yep, well, there's been a mistake, so...

Like looking at little girls, do ya?

Like to get 'em to go to parties

with y'all where you can touch 'em, do ya?

No, God, no. Look, I'm going now.

[girl] Pedo!

-You fucking pedo! -Yeah, run, you pedo.

Fucking hell, don't do that, Patrice.

Pedo!

I'll get my fucking brother on you.

-That's it, run away, pedo boy. -Keep going, pedo!

Keep walking, you fucking pedo!

-Nice one, Si. -Me?

It was fucking Patrice who wound them up.

But, you tried to nonce them up.

Right, I'm not in the mood for this, just warning you.

"Watch out, Uncle Simon might

try and give me a special cuddle."

[Will] Oh, fuck.

-What's for pudding, Will? -A middle aged woman

demanding a 150 quid.

Oh, shit. What are we going to do?

I think we should go--

Yes, fine, I give up. Let's try to get in to Louise Graham's.

-What about your dinner party? -Forget it.

You can lead a horse to water,

but can't stop it sticking Lego up its bum.

For Christ's sake, Patrice, don't do that!

-[urine splashing] -God, Si, he's a nightmare!

We can't have him scare all the muff

away at the party, let's ditch him.

I'm supposed looking after him,

I can't leave him stranded in a strange country.

He comes from a strange country.

Si, for once, Jay is right. Patrice is weird and boring.

Do you really think girls will be impressed

when we turn up with that?

-[urine continues splashing] -Probably not.

Come on, let's just leg it while his back is turned.

-It's now or never, Si. -Okay, fuck it, come on, then.

[Will] So we ran away. Yup, ran away.

Something I hadn't done since John Cook

discovered wedgies in Year 8.

I've got a stitch.

All right, that should be enough.

-He's behind us! -No way!

Run!

He's chasing us!

Fucking hell, he doesn't give up easily, does he?

What does he think is happening?

-I think he's caught us up. -Yeah, good spot, Neil.

-Simon, why we run? -Uh, yeah, don't know.

-You don't know? -Yeah.

-So, we stop? -Yeah.

Probably a good idea.

Shall we go to that party then?

[Will] So, after trying and failing

to outrun a boy in Cuban heels,

we headed for Louise Graham's party,

which we definitely wouldn't get into.

Who's going to ask if we can come in? Will?

I don't even know her.

I once stuck chewing gum in her hair

when we were Year 8.

Great. Anyone else fucked her off in her life?

Out the way, you quick shit shitters, I'll sort this.

[doorbell rings]

[door opening]

-Yeah? -Hello, Louise.

We haven't been introduced. I'm Will.

You can't come in, there's too many here already.

Look, we'll be no trouble, I promise.

I mean, look at us.

One of you can come in.

One, five, there's hardly any difference,

perhaps we can negotiate.

Him, he can come in.

Ah, right, well the thing is,

Simon will have to come in too then.

Because he's supposed to be looking after--

Great.

So, we can add Patrice to the growing

list of people more popular than us.

Fucking John's in there! And he's with a girl!

-He's got his hand on her tit! -[Jay] This is too tragic.

-Charlotte Big Jugs is in there. -Where?

Oh, right. Looks like it's time for Plan B.

Oh, right, there's a Plan B, is there?

It's just plan A was so brilliantly devised,

I wouldn't have thought we'd need a Plan B!

What is it? Climb over her fence?

It's a bit higher than I imagined.

Don't shit yourself. It's only a fence, it won't bite.

Yes, Jay, except I'm not worried about it biting me,

I'm worried about falling off and breaking my neck.

Come on, it'd be a laugh, climbing and that.

Will it? There must be another way.

It's full of clunge. Give us a push, Neil.

I'm just not made for climbing.

Maybe one of these panels is loose.

There's a gap here!

[Simon] Come on, Will. Hurry up!

Oh, please, no!

Why has he always got to be different

Just fucking hurry up, you twat, everyone's looking.

What's going on?

Oh, hi, Louis.

As I was said earlier, it's quite

important we look after Patrice.

Have you just crawled through my dog's shit?

Yes, Louis, I have. But ask yourself why.

The fact that you've excluded us from this party

because of some vague rules about popularity is ridiculous.

And although, it may look like we've climbed over a fence

and crawled through dog shit, in fact,

what we've done is challenged your social apartheid.

You weren't invited 'cause I don't know you well.

That makes sense too I suppose.

God, if you're that desperate to come in, then you can stay.

But take that jacket off before you go inside.

Sweet, nice one!

She's right about the jacket though, it stinks.

Oh, mate, that is rank. It's all up your sleeve, look.

Oh, Christ!

What the fuck is that?

Oh, my God.

It was a present from my mum, all right?

And you've worn it.

She been getting gift ideas from Neil's old man?

My dad's not bent.

Honestly, that is not a good look for you, mate.

Well, we just gate-crashed a party

that big John was invited to.

So, none of us are winning the cool prize at the moment.

Yeah, but you are losing by a mile.

Yeah, but not for long. I'm going to find Charlotte.

She'll be upstairs getting fucked, most likely.

Neil, I've told you she's not like that!

I'll check upstairs first, though.

[Will] The best thing about it being your birthday is that

everyone has to do exactly what you want.

And with this thought and a slightly dirty one in mind,

-I went to find Charlotte. -[boy laughing] Nice T-shirt!

-Yeah, good look, briefcase. -Thanks.

-Someone's stolen your sleeves. -Yup, nice one.

All right, where's the rest of Take That?

Retro, but a good one.

Let me go first, you know I'm desperate.

-[chuckles] Unlucky. -Oh, don't be a cock!

[laughs]

Oh, no, don't. Seriously, come on, I'm bursting!

Look, come on!

Oh, hi, Jay, are you queuing?

Yeah, I think I might piss my pants any minute.

Oh.

Won't be too long, been in there a while.

Oh, right.

So, didn't know your lot were friends with Louise.

No, we're not. No, we climbed the fence. It's cool.

-Right. -[door opens]

-Oh, Carli, hi. -Hi, Simon, how are you?

Good, yeah. Okay. Yeah, pretty awesome.

Jesus Christ, Simon, what the fuck have you done in there?

-What? -Ugh!

Have you been eating cat food again?

Oh, God, you've left skids down the bowl too.

Carli, I didn't. I only went in for a piss.

Oh, God, I can taste it.

-Jay! -I might go upstairs.

No, don't. It was a wee. It was only a wee!

I promise I didn't leave skids!

It doesn't smell at all, you fucker,

it was a wee. Why did you do that?

Funny.

[Will] Okay, so things weren't going exactly to plan.

But if I could just find Charlotte,

I was confident it would still be a birthday to remember.

-Charlotte?-And I was right.

Oh, hi, Charlotte, there you are.

Will. Um, could you go away?

Time out, fella. You're not alone now.

Oh, Patrice.

-Salut. -Salut.

Um, are you two...

Seriously, Will, what are you doing?

I thought maybe we could hang out a bit.

Not right now, maybe.

Will, I don't know why you're doing this.

And what are you wearing?

I've got a bottle of champagne at home,

and I remembered when we first met we had champagne,

and as it's my birthday today,

I thought maybe we could-- Is he touching you, now?

Look, maybe we'll have a drink later.

Yeah, later, of course.

Oh, Will? Could you turn the light off?

No, leave on.

Okay.

-[door closes] -[Will] Great.

And I'd rather hoped the singlet

would be the worst birthday surprise.

Meanwhile, my mates were making the most

of finally getting into a cool party,

by standing in a corridor, not talking to anyone.

All right? Did you find Charlotte?

Um, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Where is she then?

She's upstairs being fucked by Patrice.

Knew it.

Ohh, unlucky.

Can you make him stop, please, Simon?

As a birthday present?

Um, not really. Sorry, that's just too weird.

Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. Shall we go then?

Oh, hi, Mark, I'm just off,

but if you were looking for Charlotte,

-I think she's upstairs. -Fuck off, you prick.

Have a fun night!

[Will] So, ironically,

it was Donovan who gave me the best gift this year,

a savagely beaten French kid.

-What if Donovan kills him? -Good.

Mum will go mental if Patrice is hurt, though.

What will she do, get you a shitter car?

Fair point.

Fuck him, all right? You'll never see him again. So what?

I think I'm meant to stay at his at half term.

-Do you want to go to France? -Not really.

Shut up then. What about me?

It's my birthday and I saw

Patrice trying to mount Charlotte!

The fucking baguette-eating dickhead frog.

-That's a bit racist. -He's made me racist.

-Did you get to see her boobies? -No, Neil.

Funnily enough through my tear-filled eyes,

I couldn't see any tits.

Bad luck.

Oh, God, what if my birthdays

just get worse and worse from now on?

-What will happen next year? -You get AIDS?

-I'd have to have sex for that. -Or fuck a monkey.

Technically that still counts as sex.

Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad.

My dad does not have AIDS.

Your dad is so AIDS,

he's the one who gave it to monkeys.

Take that back.

That's what the monkeys said to him.

Come on, mate, let's get back to yours.

I'll let you beat me at Pro Evo.

Yeah, actually, I can beat you anyway.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

That's them. Fucking pedos!

-Run! -Again?

Oh, good!

-Pedo! -Split up, he can't get us all!

He got a fucking cricket bat!

Neil, go away!

This is the tin hat. Worst birthday ever!

[Will] So, my birthday,

or dog-shit- singlet-heartbreak day,

as I've come to think of it, was over.

And it's fair to say it hadn't been the best.

But I had learned one important life lesson.

If you go around to Neil's, don't play with his Lego.