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[theme music playing]
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00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,400
[Will] To the untrained eye,
3
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,200
it may look like
another day at school.
4
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,920
But actually,
it was a very special week.
5
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,360
Or, in Neil's case,
a very special needs week.
6
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,720
Oh, bollocks,
no way is that right.
7
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,440
You all right, Neil?
What are you playing?
8
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,440
Oh, behave.
That's well too hard.
9
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:35,960
Brain Training?
10
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,640
Stupid thing. Why is that wrong?
11
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,360
What's it say
your brain age is Neil?
12
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,040
I got it up to 12 a minute ago.
13
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,200
-[laughing]
-Twelve? 12 years old?
14
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:46,720
Have you caught Down's syndrome
or something?
15
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,000
Has it asked if Santa is real?
16
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,080
Don't listen to them, Neil.
He does exist.
17
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,360
Yeah, and he's just sorted
our Saturday night out
18
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,520
with the gift of gash.
19
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,160
Sexy soiree? That sounds sexy.
20
00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,920
Fucking hell,
is that Louise Graham?
21
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,200
She doesn't normally
look like that.
22
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,680
She'd definitely get it.
Right in the bumhole.
23
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:02,880
Lucky girl.
24
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,320
This is amazing, we have
been invited to a cool party.
25
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,360
Yeah. Kind of.
26
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,960
I nicked it
out of Sadie Cunningham's
27
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:09,920
bag in registration.
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00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:11,160
I Thought we should try and go.
29
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,880
All right, so,
it's another cool party
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00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,440
we're specifically not invited
to? Good job, Jay.
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00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,600
Um... isn't there something else
on Saturday night, anyway?
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00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,440
-Don't think so.
-It's my birthday.
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I'm having a dinner party.
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00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,600
I sent you the invites
a month ago.
35
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:28,800
Is that really happening?
I thought it was a joke.
36
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,000
It's a joke that we've
got to go to
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a dinner party
rather than a sex party.
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00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:35,040
Two things. One, it's not gonna
be a sex party, is it?
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00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:36,720
It's Louise Graham
we're talking about.
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00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,720
And two, even if it is you were
invited to my party first.
41
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,400
Just cancel yours, Will, you can
have your birthday any weekend.
42
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,560
Thanks, Neil.
43
00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,920
Simon, you don't want to go
to Louise Graham's, do you?
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Me? No, God no. No.
45
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,360
Not unless you're going
to cancel yours.
46
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,240
-I'm not.
-Sure. Sure.
47
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:56,240
Oh, except my French exchange
bloke is arriving today.
48
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,680
I'm meant to look after him
all week.
49
00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:58,920
Bring him along.
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00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,240
It'll be nice to have some
sophistication at the party.
51
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,960
I don't know
if he's that sophisticated.
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00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,920
Some friend of my mum's asked
if we'd look after him.
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00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,440
He might be a massive twat.
54
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,080
What, he's the French version
of you?
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00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,840
Don't forget
you've got to bring a girl.
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00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:11,680
I'd like it to be
a proper dinner party.
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-Can I ask your mum?
-No.
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00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,120
[Will] So, after school we went
to say bonjour to Patrice.
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00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,680
What's France like then,
Patrice?
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00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,080
Cool. And are
the French birds dirty?
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00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,520
Quoi?
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He doesn't get any.
Look at him, he's all greasy.
63
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,480
Birds don't go for that,
French or not.
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00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,640
[in French]
65
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,240
Pardon?
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00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,400
[in English] Yeah,
I thought that's what you said.
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00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,960
I think you'll be
okay around here.
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00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:45,080
-What did he say?
-Do you not speak any French?
69
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320
No. I think that's why my mum
was keen for him to come over,
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00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,920
to try and teach me a bit.
I've picked up "Clop" so far.
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00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:50,800
What does that mean?
72
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,640
Cigarette.
He smokes like a chimney.
73
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,080
Simon. You have porn?
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00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,600
Oh, for fuck's sake,
I keep saying. No, I don't.
75
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,400
-Internet?
-No.
76
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,080
You can't get any porn
on the Internet?
77
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,880
It's not the Internet
you're thinking about.
78
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,080
Are you trying to get porn on
the washing machine?
79
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,800
My mum and dad have got
a filter on it. I can't see any.
80
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,000
Oh, that is fucking tragic.
81
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,160
What are you, 11?
82
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,240
[in French]
83
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,920
Yeah, all right, mate.
84
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:18,320
-See you later, Patrice.
-[Simon] He seems a bit weird.
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00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,360
He asked if I'd tried
the "sleeping beauty."
86
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,280
-Oh, it's good, that.
-What, you know it?
87
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,280
Yeah. You sit on your arm
till your hand goes dead.
88
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,240
Ten, 15 minutes
is normally enough.
89
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,000
Then when you wank it feels
like someone else is doing it.
90
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,720
How do you know these things?
91
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,760
Oh, everyone knows the
"sleeping beauty," that's old.
92
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-Is it?
-Yeah,
93
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,760
my mate's brother invented it.
94
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,280
He and his mates used to be
called the Dead Hand Gang.
95
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,600
They had a gang
based on masturbation?
96
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,600
There's nothing gay about that!
97
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,880
Well, he's in the air force
now, so, how gay is that?
98
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,320
Still quite gay.
99
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,040
[Will] So, my dinner party
guest list
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was shaping up nicely.
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Four idiots
and a racist Frenchman.
102
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,240
It's going to be tricky
to get girls
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to come to your party, I think.
104
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,640
What? 'Cause y'all forgot,
it's short notice?
105
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,320
No, 'cause Louise Graham's
quite popular.
106
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,680
Most people will be at hers.
107
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,080
Please say you'll at least try
and bring girls.
108
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,200
This birthday can't be
as depressing as last year.
109
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,960
What, because you got
that briefcase?
110
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,960
No, Neil, because
my father left my mother.
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00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,240
Maybe we'll see
what Carli's up to.
112
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,480
Not being seen dead with you
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in a million years
is what she's up to.
114
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,160
Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand,
who are you bringing again?
115
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:16,440
Don't worry about me, mate.
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00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,160
I'm up to my neck in sluts
at the moment.
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00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,160
Maybe I'll bring my
new fuck buddy along.
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00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,000
That little barmaid
from the Fox and Hounds.
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00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,640
You've pulled a barmaid? Nice.
120
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:25,640
Has she got special
dietary requirements?
121
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,320
It's just that I've never cooked
for an imaginary woman before.
122
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,200
Well, I know she's not
allergic to nuts.
123
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-My nuts.
-Brilliant.
124
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,760
-Or my cock.
-She only eats small portions?
125
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,480
I didn't hear
your mum complaining.
126
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,000
Although her mouth
was full at the time.
127
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,440
-Yup. Good one!
-Just drop us off here, Si.
128
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,920
Don't you want a lift to school?
129
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,400
Yeah, this is close enough.
130
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,440
Don't want to be seen
getting out of this shit heap.
131
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,000
-[Neil] No offense, mate.
-See you later.
132
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,680
-Actually, I might get out too.
-Fine, see you at school.
133
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,240
Do you want to get in the front,
Patrice?
134
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,080
-No.
-Great.
135
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,000
[Will] They say
the quickest way
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00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,400
to a man's heart
is through his stomach.
137
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,360
But I was hoping it would also
138
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,920
be a good way into
my female guests' knickers.
139
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,360
What about a chicken casserole?
140
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:09,800
Why are you even asking?
141
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,600
If it was up to me
we'd all have Big Macs.
142
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,160
Did you not see Super Size Me?
143
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,400
Yeah. It just made me
really want a Big Mac.
144
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:16,480
[computer beeps]
145
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,000
Oh, Shit, Charlotte's online.
146
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,480
Have you asked her along yet?
147
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,640
No, I don't know if I should
after everything.
148
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,720
Go on, it'll be great.
Message her now.
149
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:25,240
-Really, do you think so?
-Yes, it'd be cool.
150
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,040
-Just say, "Hi."
-All right.
151
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,560
-[typing]
-Done it.
152
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:30,960
Oh, wow, she comes right back.
153
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,080
Says, "Hi, whassup".
Smiley face. Ugh.
154
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,560
-Ask her out.
-No.
155
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:37,000
I can't just jump in, not the
way things have been with us.
156
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:38,520
Have to charm her a bit first.
157
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,640
I've written, "Just hanging out
158
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,040
with Si
and his French exchange."
159
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,440
[beeps]
160
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,680
She thinks you're handsome?
161
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:50,200
Oh, no. She means Patrice.
Thank God. Ugh, I'm a div.
162
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:53,320
Hmm. Another smiley face.
163
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,800
Can't bring myself to send
a smiley back,
164
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,320
but I suppose could write "LOL"
if I absolutely had to.
165
00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,720
Do that.
166
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,200
It's going well, mate,
ask her out.
167
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,520
-It's going well, isn't it?
-Definitely.
168
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,520
[typing]
169
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,440
"It's my birthday.
Come for dinner?"
170
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,760
That pause isn't good.
171
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,440
Calm down,
it's only been a second.
172
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,440
Although she was straight back
every time before.
173
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,640
-[beeps]
-Holy shit.
174
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:24,600
She's gone offline
175
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,040
rather than answer
whether or not she'll come?
176
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,280
-Maybe the connection dropped?
-No, it was back and forward.
177
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,120
Then a question about dinner
and she's gone.
178
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,000
Brilliant, perfect,
thanks a bunch!
179
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,600
Look, she didn't say "no,"
did she?
180
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,520
-No. But she did hang up.
-So, I'm sure she'll be there.
181
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,400
Well, not sure, but you know.
182
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,120
Oh, hello, Simon.
183
00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,520
-Bonjour.
-Oh, my goodness, you're French.
184
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,520
Um... This is Patrice,
he's my sort of French exchange.
185
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,480
Uh, Patrice, this is Will's mum.
186
00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,080
Hello.
187
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,960
Well, I'm just off to
play tennis.
188
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,480
[chuckles nervously]
Don't know why I mentioned that.
189
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,520
Bye, then. Au revoir, Patrice.
190
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:05,880
Au revoir.
191
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,960
-Your mother is very sexy.
-Sorry?
192
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,760
She has the sex.
193
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,720
He's a strange one, isn't he?
194
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,240
Yeah, but he's just French,
they're all weird, aren't they?
195
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,560
Oh, God, please don't be racist.
196
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,800
That's not racist, I'm just
saying he barely says anything
197
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,040
and when he does speak
it's always about sex.
198
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:36,880
Just like all French people.
199
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,120
[Will] The next day
was my birthday,
200
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,400
and mum was serving me up
her specialty.
201
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,000
Scrambled eggs
and disappointment.
202
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,320
-Happy birthday, petal.
-Thanks, Mum.
203
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,120
Here's your present.
It's nothing big, though.
204
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,920
I'm saving up for
something special next year,
205
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,440
when you can drive.
206
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,800
Next year?
I can drive this year.
207
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,480
I thought you had to be
18 to drive?
208
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,160
No, it's 17.
209
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,560
Oh, right.
210
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,160
Sorry, your father used to deal
with things like that.
211
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,440
Aw, thanks, Mum.
Calvin Klein. It is...
212
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,760
It's a tight vest top.
213
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,040
Don't you like the color?
214
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,480
Is this the only present
you've got me?
215
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:17,760
What's wrong with it?
216
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,920
When have you ever seen
me wear something like that?
217
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,440
You'll look cool.
All the boy bands wear them.
218
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:23,800
I'm not in a boy band.
219
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,200
Fine. Fine. I've got a receipt.
You can exchange it.
220
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,120
I'm sorry.
I've ruined your big day.
221
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,160
I got it wrong about the driving
and now about this.
222
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:36,280
No. Sorry, Mum.
I suppose it's not too bad.
223
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,800
You don't want me to
exchange it?
224
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,120
No, I will wear it.
225
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,520
Tonight?
226
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,320
Oh, um...
227
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,480
Not tonight.
228
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,720
You hate it.
Oh, God, I'll change it.
229
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,840
No, fine.
I'll definitely wear it tonight.
230
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,760
Patrice spends an awfully long
time in the shower, doesn't he?
231
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,000
Yeah, about him.
232
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,800
Since it's Will's
birthday tonight,
233
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,200
do you think you could
look after Patrice?
234
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:03,920
No, you're meant to be
learning from him, Simon.
235
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,680
Anyway we're going out.
236
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:06,800
Can't you take him with you?
237
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,520
It's a special night out for us.
238
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,000
We don't really need
a 17-year-old
239
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,280
French boy tagging along.
240
00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,480
Things haven't got that
bad in the bedroom yet!
241
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:14,960
Jesus Christ.
242
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,400
Besides, he'll have much more
fun with you and the boys.
243
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,360
He doesn't. He just sits around
244
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,400
rolling cigarettes
and shrugging.
245
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,360
Must be useful having
a handsome Frenchman
246
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,600
in tow to meeting the ladies.
247
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,080
He's not handsome.
248
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,280
-Patrice is handsome.
-Aye-aye! I'd better watch it!
249
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,680
Looks like your mother
is lining up a toy boy!
250
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,120
Oh, God.
251
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,680
-Chance would be a fine thing.
-Not you too.
252
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,680
Just remember, gorgeous.
253
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,880
What I lack in energy,
I make up for in experience.
254
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,480
-[Alan grunting]
-[Pamela giggling]
255
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,680
Oh, God, you two are disgusting.
256
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:44,920
Come on, you used to look up
much worse on the Internet.
257
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:50,800
[Will] Elsewhere
on the Internet,
258
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:51,720
the dead hand gang
259
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,600
was enrolling
its latest recruit.
260
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,440
[pornographic noises
on computer]
261
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,880
[Mrs. Cartwright]
Jay, Neil's here for ya.
262
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:02,720
What? He's early. Don't come in,
I'm getting changed.
263
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,800
-Are you okay?
-It's just a film.
264
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,480
It's just a normal film.
I'm getting changed. Get out.
265
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,360
[pornographic noises continue]
266
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,960
What film's that, then?
267
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,200
Oh, right.
268
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,920
[Will] So, whilst I was making
my final preparations,
269
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,160
including putting on shit music
girls would like,
270
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,560
Patrice had been busy too.
271
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:29,920
I just had a really nice tug
thinking about your mother.
272
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,320
I think some went on the floor.
Sorry.
273
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,520
Great, thanks, Patrice.
274
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,000
[doorbell rings]
275
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,520
I'll get it.
It could be Charlotte.
276
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,080
Well, it's not going to be
Charlotte.
277
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,400
Cheer up, it might be.
She's got the details,
278
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,680
you said so yourself.
279
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,760
All right, gays.
280
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,720
[Will] Oh.
Happy birthday to me.
281
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,000
It was 8:30 p.m.
on my 17th birthday,
282
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,800
and my party was in full swing.
283
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,520
[quiet music playing]
284
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,240
Where's your plus one then, Jay?
285
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,720
Not coming. She got a modeling
job, had to fly to Paris.
286
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,440
Barmaid by day, supermodel
by night. Sounds likely.
287
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,560
Where's Little Miss
Stuck-up Cock-tease then?
288
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,600
-Do you mean Carli?
-Yep.
289
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,720
Yeah, I don't think
Carli will make it.
290
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,800
-Why not? Is something up?
-No, it's nothing like that.
291
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760
I just sort of didn't invite her
in the end.
292
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,520
You really are a bollockless
little twat, aren't you?
293
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,280
So, there are going to
be no women here then?
294
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,680
None at all?
I don't know why I bother.
295
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,520
Well, I wouldn't say
there will be no women.
296
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,640
Yeah, not no women!
297
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,560
So, there are some women coming?
298
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,520
Maybe, maybe not.
299
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,840
Look, it's very clear from your
smirking faces and tone of voice
300
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,120
that actually
there are some women coming.
301
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,760
We got you
a special birthday treat.
302
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:42,640
-Did you?
-Stripper!
303
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:44,360
What?
304
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,680
Have you really booked
a stripper?
305
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,800
Yeah, she was only a 150 quid.
306
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,080
How did you manage
to pay for that?
307
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,400
We haven't. We'll just have
a whip-round when she gets here.
308
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,040
A whip-round?
Round who? The five of us?
309
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,560
We don't have 30 quid each!
310
00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,680
No, if we all put in... Wait...
311
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:03,680
Oh, shit, yeah.
312
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,560
Brilliant. So just to confirm,
313
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,640
until an angry stripper
turns up,
314
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,640
we are without
any female company?
315
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,600
Thanks, guys,
this is a great birthday.
316
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,360
If you're going to cry about it,
317
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,800
I'll go and get
some of local snatch in.
318
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,760
What about them birds
we passed outside?
319
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,000
-Yeah, they were all right.
-Oh, yes, please,
320
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,280
drag some random girls
off the street for me!
321
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,600
Or we could go
to Louise Graham's party?
322
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,640
Yeah, why aren't we there?
323
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,240
It's got to be better
than this shithole.
324
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,960
Thanks very much. More wine?
325
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,400
Oh, I bet it's
crawling with clunge.
326
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,400
And I bet it's not!
327
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,560
Yeah, and you'd know?
328
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,280
Look, I've put lots
of effort into this.
329
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,920
I made a really nice coq au vin.
330
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:37,800
Cock of what?
331
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,360
[sighs in exasperation]
You don't help yourself, do you?
332
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,760
Oh, yes, I see.
"Coq au vin," very mature.
333
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,760
It means chicken in wine,
doesn't it, Patrice?
334
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:47,120
Quoi?
335
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,240
Well, it does. And it doesn't
mean cock up my arse,
336
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,920
or cock on my head, or...
337
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,680
You got some cock
in the back of a van?
338
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,200
Or that I got
a cock in the back of a van.
339
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,600
Look, all I wanted
was a civilized
340
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,080
and sophisticated birthday.
341
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,800
Just something a bit different
from the usual parties,
342
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,520
maybe even the sort of party
that girls are impressed by.
343
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,480
Okay, so there aren't
any girls here,
344
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,000
but why don't we
at least attempt
345
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,600
to have a sophisticated
conversation?
346
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:12,920
I know it's a tall order,
347
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,640
and I'm not expecting sparkling,
but let's give it a go
348
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,880
as it is my fucking birthday!
349
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,000
How much Lego
can you stuff up your bum?
350
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,760
Oh, for Christ's sake!
351
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,560
Not now, just
when you was younger.
352
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,640
How much could you get up there?
353
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:31,800
You are grim, mate.
354
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,840
Why were you sticking
Lego up your bum?
355
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,040
Not a lot, just like a
rectangular one and a long one.
356
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,200
Couple of singles, maybe.
357
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,120
Fine, let's see
if those girls outside
358
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,280
want to come join us then.
359
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,200
-Yes!
-Yes!
360
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,680
Are you sure, mate? I thought
you wanted this to be special?
361
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,120
Why fight it?
Charlotte's not coming, is she?
362
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,240
And a skillful raconteur like
Neil is wasted on just us.
363
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,120
Nice one. Now I get a proper
three-course meal,
364
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,920
blowie, shag and anal.
365
00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,720
[Will] So we headed
into the night,
366
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,440
and found Jay's three courses
sitting on a fence.
367
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,960
-Allo, allo. Here they are.
-[Neil] Nice.
368
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,440
They look a bit rough.
369
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,120
Are they drinking
in the street?
370
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,520
Dirty.
371
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,880
Not quite the sophisticates
372
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,840
I had in mind,
but at least they're female.
373
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,360
-You going over then, Jay?
-No, Si should.
374
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,800
-What? Why me?
-Alphabetical.
375
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:19,600
You got a bent look
that girls go for.
376
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,920
Fine, if you're going
to be rude, you go then.
377
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:23,800
Sorry for being rude.
378
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:25,600
Just go, Si,
it's freezing out here.
379
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,000
Come on, Si. For me, yeah?
For my birthday?
380
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,480
God, all right then.
381
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,640
-Hi, there.
-What did you fucking say?
382
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,960
-Um, hello.
-And what?
383
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,600
Um... I wanted to ask you
to a party?
384
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:42,880
I'm 13.
385
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,880
-Oh, right.
-And she's 11, you nonce.
386
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,160
Yep, well, there's been
a mistake, so...
387
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:49,480
Like looking
at little girls, do ya?
388
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,080
Like to get 'em to go to parties
389
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,560
with y'all where you can
touch 'em, do ya?
390
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,960
No, God, no.
Look, I'm going now.
391
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,000
[girl] Pedo!
392
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,080
-You fucking pedo!
-Yeah, run, you pedo.
393
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,440
Fucking hell, don't do that,
Patrice.
394
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,440
Pedo!
395
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:02,680
I'll get my
fucking brother on you.
396
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:05,880
-That's it, run away, pedo boy.
-Keep going, pedo!
397
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,920
Keep walking, you fucking pedo!
398
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,200
-Nice one, Si.
-Me?
399
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,080
It was fucking Patrice
who wound them up.
400
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,560
But, you tried to nonce them up.
401
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,960
Right, I'm not in the mood
for this, just warning you.
402
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,120
"Watch out, Uncle Simon might
403
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,760
try and give me
a special cuddle."
404
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:18,920
[Will] Oh, fuck.
405
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,600
-What's for pudding, Will?
-A middle aged woman
406
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,280
demanding a 150 quid.
407
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,120
Oh, shit.
What are we going to do?
408
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,680
I think we should go--
409
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,440
Yes, fine, I give up. Let's try
to get in to Louise Graham's.
410
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,280
-What about your dinner party?
-Forget it.
411
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,760
You can lead a horse to water,
412
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,720
but can't stop it
sticking Lego up its bum.
413
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:37,880
For Christ's sake,
Patrice, don't do that!
414
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,320
-[urine splashing]
-God, Si, he's a nightmare!
415
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,160
We can't have him scare
all the muff
416
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,960
away at the party,
let's ditch him.
417
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,560
I'm supposed looking after him,
418
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:47,440
I can't leave him stranded
in a strange country.
419
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,080
He comes from a strange country.
420
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,960
Si, for once, Jay is right.
Patrice is weird and boring.
421
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,400
Do you really think girls
will be impressed
422
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,160
when we turn up with that?
423
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,720
-[urine continues splashing]
-Probably not.
424
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,280
Come on, let's just leg it
while his back is turned.
425
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,520
-It's now or never, Si.
-Okay, fuck it, come on, then.
426
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,080
[Will] So we ran away.
Yup, ran away.
427
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,560
Something I hadn't done
since John Cook
428
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,440
discovered wedgies in Year 8.
429
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,840
I've got a stitch.
430
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,960
All right,
that should be enough.
431
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,920
-He's behind us!
-No way!
432
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:19,920
Run!
433
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:23,240
He's chasing us!
434
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,000
Fucking hell, he doesn't give up
easily, does he?
435
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,320
What does he think is happening?
436
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,160
-I think he's caught us up.
-Yeah, good spot, Neil.
437
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,480
-Simon, why we run?
-Uh, yeah, don't know.
438
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,120
-You don't know?
-Yeah.
439
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,760
-So, we stop?
-Yeah.
440
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,000
Probably a good idea.
441
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:47,720
Shall we go to that party then?
442
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,760
[Will] So, after trying
and failing
443
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:51,440
to outrun
a boy in Cuban heels,
444
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,400
we headed for
Louise Graham's party,
445
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,920
which we definitely
wouldn't get into.
446
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,800
Who's going to ask if
we can come in? Will?
447
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,040
I don't even know her.
448
00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,320
I once stuck chewing gum
in her hair
449
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,280
when we were Year 8.
450
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,160
Great. Anyone else fucked
her off in her life?
451
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,040
Out the way, you quick
shit shitters, I'll sort this.
452
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:06,600
[doorbell rings]
453
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,520
[door opening]
454
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,280
-Yeah?
-Hello, Louise.
455
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:15,880
We haven't been introduced.
I'm Will.
456
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
You can't come in,
there's too many here already.
457
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,400
Look, we'll be no trouble,
I promise.
458
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,320
I mean, look at us.
459
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,160
One of you can come in.
460
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,520
One, five, there's hardly
any difference,
461
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:26,560
perhaps we can negotiate.
462
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,240
Him, he can come in.
463
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,520
Ah, right, well the thing is,
464
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,720
Simon will have
to come in too then.
465
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,640
Because he's supposed
to be looking after--
466
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,760
Great.
467
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,440
So, we can add Patrice
to the growing
468
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,360
list of people
more popular than us.
469
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,920
Fucking John's in there!
And he's with a girl!
470
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,280
-He's got his hand on her tit!
-[Jay] This is too tragic.
471
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,480
-Charlotte Big Jugs is in there.
-Where?
472
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,920
Oh, right.
Looks like it's time for Plan B.
473
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,080
Oh, right, there's a Plan B,
is there?
474
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,280
It's just plan A was
so brilliantly devised,
475
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,080
I wouldn't have thought
we'd need a Plan B!
476
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,960
What is it?
Climb over her fence?
477
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,240
It's a bit higher
than I imagined.
478
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,920
Don't shit yourself. It's only
a fence, it won't bite.
479
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,080
Yes, Jay, except I'm not
worried about it biting me,
480
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,160
I'm worried about falling off
and breaking my neck.
481
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,240
Come on, it'd be a laugh,
climbing and that.
482
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,000
Will it?
There must be another way.
483
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,680
It's full of clunge.
Give us a push, Neil.
484
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,360
I'm just not made for climbing.
485
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000
Maybe one of these
panels is loose.
486
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,400
There's a gap here!
487
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,040
[Simon] Come on, Will. Hurry up!
488
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,200
Oh, please, no!
489
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:38,800
Why has he always got
to be different
490
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,240
Just fucking hurry up,
you twat, everyone's looking.
491
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,680
What's going on?
492
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,240
Oh, hi, Louis.
493
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:45,680
As I was said earlier,
it's quite
494
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,920
important we look after Patrice.
495
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,360
Have you just crawled
through my dog's shit?
496
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,360
Yes, Louis, I have.
But ask yourself why.
497
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,520
The fact that you've excluded
us from this party
498
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,920
because of some vague rules
about popularity is ridiculous.
499
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,320
And although, it may look
like we've climbed over a fence
500
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,000
and crawled through
dog shit, in fact,
501
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,160
what we've done is challenged
your social apartheid.
502
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,200
You weren't invited
'cause I don't know you well.
503
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,280
That makes sense too I suppose.
504
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,240
God, if you're that desperate
to come in, then you can stay.
505
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,600
But take that jacket off
before you go inside.
506
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,480
Sweet, nice one!
507
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,080
She's right about
the jacket though, it stinks.
508
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,400
Oh, mate, that is rank.
It's all up your sleeve, look.
509
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,680
Oh, Christ!
510
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,440
What the fuck is that?
511
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,440
Oh, my God.
512
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,200
It was a present from my mum,
all right?
513
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,360
And you've worn it.
514
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,840
She been getting gift ideas
from Neil's old man?
515
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:34,920
My dad's not bent.
516
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,880
Honestly, that is not
a good look for you, mate.
517
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,440
Well, we just gate-crashed
a party
518
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:39,520
that big John was invited to.
519
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,080
So, none of us are winning
the cool prize at the moment.
520
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,880
Yeah,
but you are losing by a mile.
521
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,360
Yeah, but not for long.
I'm going to find Charlotte.
522
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,360
She'll be upstairs getting
fucked, most likely.
523
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,520
Neil, I've told you
she's not like that!
524
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,440
I'll check upstairs first,
though.
525
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,600
[Will] The best thing about
it being your birthday is that
526
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,400
everyone has to do
exactly what you want.
527
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,800
And with this thought and
a slightly dirty one in mind,
528
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,240
-I went to find Charlotte.
-[boy laughing] Nice T-shirt!
529
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,680
-Yeah, good look, briefcase.
-Thanks.
530
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,880
-Someone's stolen your sleeves.
-Yup, nice one.
531
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,280
All right,
where's the rest of Take That?
532
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:09,360
Retro, but a good one.
533
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,080
Let me go first,
you know I'm desperate.
534
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,240
-[chuckles] Unlucky.
-Oh, don't be a cock!
535
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,120
[laughs]
536
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,280
Oh, no, don't. Seriously,
come on, I'm bursting!
537
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:19,920
Look, come on!
538
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,640
Oh, hi, Jay, are you queuing?
539
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,200
Yeah, I think I might piss
my pants any minute.
540
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,160
Oh.
541
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:33,960
Won't be too long,
been in there a while.
542
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,440
Oh, right.
543
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,800
So, didn't know your lot were
friends with Louise.
544
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:42,560
No, we're not. No,
we climbed the fence. It's cool.
545
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,640
-Right.
-[door opens]
546
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,720
-Oh, Carli, hi.
-Hi, Simon, how are you?
547
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,280
Good, yeah. Okay.
Yeah, pretty awesome.
548
00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,480
Jesus Christ, Simon, what
the fuck have you done in there?
549
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,760
-What?
-Ugh!
550
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,120
Have you been eating
cat food again?
551
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh, God, you've left skids
down the bowl too.
552
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,880
Carli, I didn't.
I only went in for a piss.
553
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,680
Oh, God, I can taste it.
554
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,880
-Jay!
-I might go upstairs.
555
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:11,280
No, don't. It was a wee.
It was only a wee!
556
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,080
I promise I didn't leave skids!
557
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,160
It doesn't smell at all,
you fucker,
558
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,880
it was a wee.
Why did you do that?
559
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:19,920
Funny.
560
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:21,840
[Will] Okay, so things weren't
going exactly to plan.
561
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,600
But if I could
just find Charlotte,
562
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,680
I was confident it would still
be a birthday to remember.
563
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,600
-Charlotte?-And I was right.
564
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:31,360
Oh, hi, Charlotte,
there you are.
565
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,640
Will. Um, could you go away?
566
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,920
Time out, fella.
You're not alone now.
567
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,760
Oh, Patrice.
568
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,120
-Salut.
-Salut.
569
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,120
Um, are you two...
570
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,560
Seriously, Will,
what are you doing?
571
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,600
I thought maybe we could
hang out a bit.
572
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,200
Not right now, maybe.
573
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,880
Will, I don't know
why you're doing this.
574
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,000
And what are you wearing?
575
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,800
I've got a bottle
of champagne at home,
576
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,400
and I remembered when we first
met we had champagne,
577
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:58,920
and as it's my birthday today,
578
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,080
I thought maybe we could--
Is he touching you, now?
579
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,320
Look, maybe
we'll have a drink later.
580
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,320
Yeah, later, of course.
581
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,080
Oh, Will?
Could you turn the light off?
582
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,600
No, leave on.
583
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,000
Okay.
584
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:17,920
-[door closes]
-[Will] Great.
585
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,600
And I'd rather
hoped the singlet
586
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,360
would be
the worst birthday surprise.
587
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,520
Meanwhile, my mates
were making the most
588
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,040
of finally getting
into a cool party,
589
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:27,600
by standing in a corridor,
not talking to anyone.
590
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,480
All right?
Did you find Charlotte?
591
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,280
Um, yeah. Yeah, I did.
592
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:33,680
Where is she then?
593
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,320
She's upstairs
being fucked by Patrice.
594
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,280
Knew it.
595
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,360
Ohh, unlucky.
596
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,320
Can you make him stop,
please, Simon?
597
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,880
As a birthday present?
598
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,120
Um, not really.
Sorry, that's just too weird.
599
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:47,480
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably
right. Shall we go then?
600
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,600
Oh, hi, Mark, I'm just off,
601
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:51,920
but if you were
looking for Charlotte,
602
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,040
-I think she's upstairs.
-Fuck off, you prick.
603
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:56,160
Have a fun night!
604
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:57,160
[Will] So, ironically,
605
00:22:57,240 --> 00:22:59,320
it was Donovan who gave me
the best gift this year,
606
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,120
a savagely beaten French kid.
607
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,120
-What if Donovan kills him?
-Good.
608
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,200
Mum will go mental
if Patrice is hurt, though.
609
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,200
What will she do,
get you a shitter car?
610
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,080
Fair point.
611
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,560
Fuck him, all right? You'll
never see him again. So what?
612
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,600
I think I'm meant to stay
at his at half term.
613
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,200
-Do you want to go to France?
-Not really.
614
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,480
Shut up then. What about me?
615
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,800
It's my birthday and I saw
616
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,280
Patrice trying
to mount Charlotte!
617
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,160
The fucking baguette-eating
dickhead frog.
618
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:24,280
-That's a bit racist.
-He's made me racist.
619
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,320
-Did you get to see her boobies?
-No, Neil.
620
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,080
Funnily enough through
my tear-filled eyes,
621
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,160
I couldn't see any tits.
622
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,880
Bad luck.
623
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,480
Oh, God, what if my birthdays
624
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,120
just get worse and worse
from now on?
625
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,320
-What will happen next year?
-You get AIDS?
626
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,640
-I'd have to have sex for that.
-Or fuck a monkey.
627
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,200
Technically that still counts
as sex.
628
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,560
Or drink from the same cup
as Neil's dad.
629
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,280
My dad does not have AIDS.
630
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:46,440
Your dad is so AIDS,
631
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,040
he's the one
who gave it to monkeys.
632
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:48,920
Take that back.
633
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:50,480
That's what
the monkeys said to him.
634
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:51,840
Come on, mate,
let's get back to yours.
635
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:53,520
I'll let you beat me at Pro Evo.
636
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,120
Yeah, actually,
I can beat you anyway.
637
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,240
Well, we'll see, won't we?
638
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,080
That's them. Fucking pedos!
639
00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,280
-Run!
-Again?
640
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:00,440
Oh, good!
641
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,600
-Pedo!
-Split up, he can't get us all!
642
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,240
He got a fucking cricket bat!
643
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,080
Neil, go away!
644
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,000
This is the tin hat.
Worst birthday ever!
645
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:09,440
[Will] So, my birthday,
646
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:10,680
or dog-shit-
singlet-heartbreak day,
647
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,480
as I've come to think of it,
was over.
648
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,640
And it's fair to say
it hadn't been the best.
649
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,960
But I had learned
one important life lesson.
650
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,560
If you go around to Neil's,
don't play with his Lego.
49109
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