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www.SubCentral.de
presents...
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00:00:07,476 --> 00:00:12,476
The Inbetweeners S03E05
"Home Alone"
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00:00:12,976 --> 00:00:17,976
Sync & corrections: extreme
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00:00:21,876 --> 00:00:24,835
Weekends in suburbia
are a great time to wash the car,
5
00:00:24,836 --> 00:00:27,266
mow the lawn
or insult your children.
6
00:00:27,267 --> 00:00:30,541
Right, we'll only be a couple of
hours, try not to break anything.
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00:00:30,542 --> 00:00:31,784
Don't you want to take Benji?
8
00:00:31,785 --> 00:00:34,042
We're going to weed Granddad's
grave, you moron.
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00:00:34,043 --> 00:00:36,212
Why would we want to take
that shitting machine with us?
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00:00:36,213 --> 00:00:38,646
- He likes the fresh air.
- So do my bollocks,
11
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:41,678
it doesn't mean
I take them out in graveyards.
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00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:43,703
Dickhead.
13
00:00:43,929 --> 00:00:47,525
With his parents gone, Jay did what
pretty much every male human does
14
00:00:47,526 --> 00:00:50,086
when they think they might get
five minutes alone in the house.
15
00:00:50,087 --> 00:00:53,927
Unfortunately for him,
he wasn't alone. He had company.
16
00:01:03,268 --> 00:01:05,258
Fucking hell, Benji!
17
00:01:05,937 --> 00:01:07,820
Jay was into some
pretty weird stuff,
18
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:11,487
but even he drew the line at letting
the family pet stare at his penis.
19
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,690
- Why didn't you just shut him out the room?
- I tried that, but he goes mental,
20
00:01:14,691 --> 00:01:17,664
scratches at the door and howls.
That's even more distracting.
21
00:01:17,665 --> 00:01:20,964
- Or you could take him to a dog training class?
- I think they teach more, "Sit, stay, beg,"
22
00:01:20,965 --> 00:01:23,264
not, "Stop watching me wank,
you're putting me off."
23
00:01:23,265 --> 00:01:26,936
Why didn't you buy a PS3? Everyone knows
that Wiis are for children and girls.
24
00:01:26,937 --> 00:01:28,777
- And gays.
- Will, I'm just heading out...
25
00:01:28,778 --> 00:01:30,778
Sorry, didn't realise
you had friends round. Hello, boys.
26
00:01:30,779 --> 00:01:32,165
- Hi, Mrs McKenzie.
- Hello.
27
00:01:32,166 --> 00:01:34,894
- All right?
- I see you're enjoying Will's new W-I-I.
28
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,844
- It's called a Wii.
- It's pretty neat, isn't it?
29
00:01:36,845 --> 00:01:38,912
It's the only computer game
I've ever been able to play.
30
00:01:38,913 --> 00:01:42,485
- Would you like a game now, Mrs McKenzie?
- No, I'm not very good. Even Will can beat me.
31
00:01:42,486 --> 00:01:45,085
- You must be terrible.
- I'll give you some tips.
32
00:01:45,086 --> 00:01:47,466
With this one, the trick is
to bounce around a lot.
33
00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:50,869
- Is it?
- Yeah, you really need to bounce up and down.
34
00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:53,804
- OK, maybe, I'll give it a quick game.
- No, you definitely won't!
35
00:01:53,805 --> 00:01:55,324
- Did you want something?
- Not really.
36
00:01:55,325 --> 00:01:57,914
I'm just going away for the weekend
and wondered if there was anything special
37
00:01:57,915 --> 00:02:00,731
- you wanted from Waitrose?
- You're going away? Where?
38
00:02:00,732 --> 00:02:03,970
- To a friend's house in the Cotswolds.
- You don't have any friends in the Cotswolds.
39
00:02:03,971 --> 00:02:05,250
- Yes, I do.
- Who?
40
00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:06,953
- Fergus.
- Sorry, who?
41
00:02:06,954 --> 00:02:08,949
Fergus. We were friends at college
42
00:02:08,950 --> 00:02:11,589
and we've just recently
caught up again on Facebooks.
43
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,660
You're going away with
a Facebook stalker?
44
00:02:13,661 --> 00:02:16,940
Do you not watch the news? Where's
he taking you, a ditch off the A40?
45
00:02:16,941 --> 00:02:19,520
I know you're upset,
but try not to overreact.
46
00:02:19,521 --> 00:02:21,151
Maybe we should
talk about this later.
47
00:02:21,152 --> 00:02:24,662
No, let's talk about it now in front of
everyone! I've got nothing to hide, have you?
48
00:02:24,663 --> 00:02:26,871
Will, try and stay calm
or you'll have an asthma attack
49
00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:30,744
- just like you did when we lost Teddy.
- OK, fine, yeah, we'll talk about it later.
50
00:02:30,745 --> 00:02:33,599
For the record, it was an allergy,
it wasn't Teddy's fault.
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00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,561
But luckily, the others didn't
take the piss for too long,
52
00:02:35,562 --> 00:02:38,257
because they were obsessed
with the really big news of the day.
53
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:40,429
With Will's mum on Facebook,
that's tonight's wank lined up.
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00:02:40,430 --> 00:02:42,249
I doubt she's put anything
too outrageous up there.
55
00:02:42,250 --> 00:02:44,429
As long as it has the eyes.
Eyes is all I really need.
56
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:47,357
Why is she going away to get wrinkly
old cock when she could stay at home
57
00:02:47,358 --> 00:02:49,665
and have my massive young pole?
It's a mystery to me.
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00:02:49,666 --> 00:02:51,800
That is perhaps
the greatest mystery of all time.
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00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:53,073
Oi, Neil.
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00:02:55,143 --> 00:02:56,193
Why do that?
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00:02:56,194 --> 00:02:57,646
- It's just funny.
- And cool.
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00:02:57,647 --> 00:02:59,397
But that's someone's garden.
It's vandalism.
63
00:02:59,398 --> 00:03:01,805
Nah, vandalism is like smashing in
windows or something.
64
00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,276
- This is just a laugh. Give it a go, Si.
- Don't think so.
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00:03:04,277 --> 00:03:06,367
What, in case you
go to prison for killing flowers?
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00:03:06,368 --> 00:03:10,523
Don't worry, Si, it don't hurt them,
they ain't got feelings. Look.
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00:03:11,564 --> 00:03:13,847
I'll pass. Good luck with the
landscape gardening,
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00:03:13,848 --> 00:03:15,240
- see you later.
- Where you going?
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00:03:15,241 --> 00:03:17,377
Golf. Got the father-son tournament
at the weekend.
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00:03:17,378 --> 00:03:20,410
Golf?! Golf is for fat wankers
in their 40s.
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00:03:20,411 --> 00:03:22,852
- You know what golf stands for?
- No, what?
72
00:03:22,853 --> 00:03:25,853
Gay outdoor lifestyle with fellas.
73
00:03:25,854 --> 00:03:26,858
Brilliant!
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00:03:26,859 --> 00:03:30,014
Well, it's not as entertaining as playing with
flowers, but I sort of don't care what you say,
75
00:03:30,015 --> 00:03:32,411
because it turns out I'm quite good
at it and we might actually win.
76
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:35,985
Win! See you later, then.
Mate, that is too perfect.
77
00:03:35,986 --> 00:03:38,021
- Nice!
- What? Come on.
78
00:03:38,022 --> 00:03:41,249
Listen, Tiger Wuss, you should probably
get off, you won't like this.
79
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,337
Some flowers are about
to get fucked up.
80
00:03:43,338 --> 00:03:47,089
So while the other three were enjoying
themselves, I was having a terrible week.
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00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,325
Finding out your mum is
on Facebook is bad enough,
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00:03:49,326 --> 00:03:52,136
but finding out she's using it to
look for cock is beyond the pale.
83
00:03:52,137 --> 00:03:55,416
Am I overreacting? I've never been introduced
to even the notion of a boyfriend,
84
00:03:55,417 --> 00:03:58,029
I think I'm entitled to be
reasonably defensive about him.
85
00:03:58,030 --> 00:03:59,960
Neil, your parents have
been divorced longer than mine,
86
00:03:59,961 --> 00:04:02,161
what was it like when your mum
had her first boyfriend?
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00:04:02,162 --> 00:04:04,904
It weren't too bad. He was a bit
like my dad. She's got a type.
88
00:04:04,905 --> 00:04:06,049
- Gays.
- Fuck off.
89
00:04:06,050 --> 00:04:09,103
- It's still difficult though, isn't it?
- Yeah, no, I understand.
90
00:04:09,104 --> 00:04:11,990
Do you think this is the first knob
she's had since your dad?
91
00:04:11,991 --> 00:04:13,758
Maybe we'll leave the
heart-to-heart for now, then, Neil.
92
00:04:13,759 --> 00:04:16,006
But we have established that
this Fergus bloke is boning her?
93
00:04:16,007 --> 00:04:18,094
They're just going to Bath
for the weekend, sightseeing.
94
00:04:18,095 --> 00:04:21,022
The major sight being
her tits in his mouth.
95
00:04:21,023 --> 00:04:22,725
I think it's the Roman Baths, actually.
96
00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:25,005
So, when should we
come round for the party?
97
00:04:25,006 --> 00:04:26,008
Never?
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00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:27,989
Come on, if your mum's going
away, you've got to have a party.
99
00:04:27,990 --> 00:04:31,643
No. I'm not going to be one of these idiots
who advertise a small gathering on Facebook,
100
00:04:31,644 --> 00:04:34,585
then 4,000 people turn up,
the roof gets stolen
101
00:04:34,586 --> 00:04:38,102
and the next morning they are on the
news saying, "Things just got out of hand."
102
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:40,445
Plus, your mum would probably find
out, now she's on Facebook.
103
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,485
Yeah, tell her she hasn't replied
to my friend request yet.
104
00:04:42,486 --> 00:04:44,145
Please stop looking at my mum
on the internet, Neil.
105
00:04:44,146 --> 00:04:46,621
Did a lot more than
look at her last night.
106
00:04:46,622 --> 00:04:50,092
- And that's an OK thing to say now, is it?
- All right, let's keep this party simples.
107
00:04:50,093 --> 00:04:53,229
Just us, a crate of vodka
and a Jacuzzi full of clunge.
108
00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:56,645
No parties and no imaginary orgies.
That's the last thing I need.
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00:04:56,646 --> 00:04:59,805
It's bad enough my mum's
now practically internet dating.
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00:04:59,806 --> 00:05:01,148
McKenzie?
111
00:05:01,655 --> 00:05:05,003
Did you just say your mother
is internet dating?
112
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:06,879
Sort of.
113
00:05:07,019 --> 00:05:10,969
Interesting. I'm single at the moment,
and she is very much my type.
114
00:05:11,510 --> 00:05:12,540
OK...
115
00:05:12,541 --> 00:05:15,845
Maybe you could set me up with her,
and then who knows?
116
00:05:15,846 --> 00:05:19,414
If things go well,
you could end up calling me Daddy.
117
00:05:19,921 --> 00:05:22,152
Was this what you wanted
to see me about, sir?
118
00:05:22,153 --> 00:05:24,786
No. My office, now.
119
00:05:26,878 --> 00:05:30,771
Great, now even the head of Sixth Form
was doing jokes about my mum.
120
00:05:30,772 --> 00:05:33,133
At least, I hoped he was joking.
121
00:05:33,134 --> 00:05:36,405
As I'm sure you're aware, there's
been a spate of vandalism recently,
122
00:05:36,406 --> 00:05:39,691
culminating in someone adapting the
flower display by the main road
123
00:05:39,692 --> 00:05:41,586
so that it now reads,
124
00:05:41,724 --> 00:05:44,202
"We cum tit village."
125
00:05:44,203 --> 00:05:46,051
You think that's funny,
do you, McKenzie?
126
00:05:46,052 --> 00:05:48,725
Well, a bit.
It doesn't even make sense!
127
00:05:48,726 --> 00:05:51,727
"We cum tit village"?
What kind of morons would do that?
128
00:05:51,728 --> 00:05:54,241
I think you know exactly who did it.
129
00:05:54,242 --> 00:05:55,374
What?
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00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,584
I don't know, sir. Honestly I don't.
131
00:05:58,585 --> 00:06:02,275
Come on, McKenzie. You're the sort of busybody
that knows everything that's going on.
132
00:06:02,276 --> 00:06:05,049
You can't resist getting that beak of
yours into other people's business.
133
00:06:05,050 --> 00:06:07,419
- Beak?
- Yes, your beaky nose!
134
00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:11,865
And if you don't tell me who did it,
in my role as your UCAS referee,
135
00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:14,550
I will fuck your application up.
136
00:06:15,585 --> 00:06:17,575
I honestly don't know
who did it!
137
00:06:17,576 --> 00:06:18,707
I don't!
138
00:06:18,708 --> 00:06:22,476
I would have grassed, you know
I would have grassed, straightaway!
139
00:06:22,477 --> 00:06:24,354
Yes, that is true.
140
00:06:24,355 --> 00:06:28,845
Well, you've got until Monday to find out
or it's "Goodbye, first-rate education,
141
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:31,445
"hello, the University of Lincoln".
142
00:06:31,446 --> 00:06:34,947
This was serious.
I'd been to Lincoln, and it's a shit hole.
143
00:06:34,948 --> 00:06:37,942
But luckily, I was about to take part
in the shortest investigation ever.
144
00:06:37,943 --> 00:06:39,666
- What did Gilbert want, then?
- He thinks I know
145
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:42,778
- who vandalised the roundabout.
- Maybe you do.
146
00:06:43,393 --> 00:06:46,152
Oh, God, it was you two, wasn't it?
147
00:06:46,153 --> 00:06:48,948
I can't remember. Was it us, Neil?
148
00:06:48,949 --> 00:06:51,571
- I can't remember, Jay.
- Yeah, it was us.
149
00:06:51,572 --> 00:06:54,505
Fucking brilliant.
Well done, you morons.
150
00:06:54,506 --> 00:06:56,592
- Thanks.
- You going to grass them up, then?
151
00:06:56,593 --> 00:06:59,653
- Yes! Of course!
- Oh, Will!
152
00:07:01,357 --> 00:07:03,388
Fine! No, then!
153
00:07:03,539 --> 00:07:07,632
Yeah, hilarious, you vandalise something,
I end up at the University of Lincoln.
154
00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:09,495
- I'll tell you what will be hilarious.
- What's that?
155
00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:12,637
When Gilbert fucks your mum.
He will crush her.
156
00:07:12,638 --> 00:07:14,485
Nah, her lovely big tits
will cushion him, I reckon.
157
00:07:14,486 --> 00:07:16,904
- Yeah, if he's on top.
- But what about from behind, Neil?
158
00:07:16,905 --> 00:07:18,924
Can you imagine
the size of his bollocks?
159
00:07:18,925 --> 00:07:22,005
It'd be like two massive wrecking
balls smashing against her arse.
160
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,920
- Lovely image.
- She's going to be a mess
161
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:25,350
when he's finished with her.
162
00:07:25,351 --> 00:07:27,177
Maybe he'll go twos-up
with that Fergus bloke!
163
00:07:27,178 --> 00:07:30,439
What an enjoyable conversation this
is about my actual mother.
164
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,725
Yeah, I bet she's getting
a load right now.
165
00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:35,903
She isn't, because she doesn't leave till
tomorrow. Simon, do you want to stay over?
166
00:07:35,904 --> 00:07:39,056
- What?! You said no-one was allowed round.
- It's for security reasons.
167
00:07:39,057 --> 00:07:41,628
You mean you're too scared
to sleep in the house on your own?
168
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,205
- No!
- I can't, sorry.
169
00:07:43,206 --> 00:07:44,827
I've got the golf tournament
at eight on Sunday,
170
00:07:44,828 --> 00:07:47,018
so I promised my dad I wouldn't
be out late on Saturday.
171
00:07:47,019 --> 00:07:49,685
Tell you what, Briefcase,
I need a night away from the dog,
172
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:52,728
so if you're going to be scared,
I'll stay round. I won't charge.
173
00:07:52,729 --> 00:07:55,306
I just need some baby lotion and
access to your mum's knicker drawer.
174
00:07:55,307 --> 00:07:58,385
Well, it's a lovely offer,
but I think I'll pass.
175
00:07:58,386 --> 00:08:00,508
- Neil, are you around?
- As long as I can bring my PS3
176
00:08:00,509 --> 00:08:02,331
so we don't have to play
those shit Wii games.
177
00:08:02,332 --> 00:08:05,748
- Yeah, anything you like.
- How come he can fucking stay and I can't?
178
00:08:05,749 --> 00:08:09,588
Well, mainly because he's not planning
to ejaculate over my mother's underwear.
179
00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,266
I ain't promising nothing.
180
00:08:12,806 --> 00:08:15,226
The next day,
and my mum was all set to go.
181
00:08:15,227 --> 00:08:18,033
Now, I'm not one for making
rash judgements, but to me,
182
00:08:18,034 --> 00:08:21,390
Fergus looked like a massive ginger bell end
with a stupid car, and I hated him.
183
00:08:21,391 --> 00:08:24,781
The fridge is full, but if you need anything else,
the Ocado account number is by the computer.
184
00:08:24,782 --> 00:08:26,585
You are only going to be away
for one night, aren't you?
185
00:08:26,586 --> 00:08:29,274
Probably. I've left the heating
on constant in case you get cold,
186
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:32,365
and don't forget, Mrs Springett's got a key,
so she'll be popping in to check you're OK.
187
00:08:32,366 --> 00:08:34,740
I'll look forward to an unscheduled
appearance from her, then.
188
00:08:34,741 --> 00:08:36,872
Oh, and Neil, Will's a
little bit stressed at the moment
189
00:08:36,873 --> 00:08:39,112
and me not being around might bring
on one of his migraines.
190
00:08:39,113 --> 00:08:41,678
If that does happen, there are special
suppositories in the bathroom cabinet.
191
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:43,584
- Mum!
- It's the only thing that works.
192
00:08:43,585 --> 00:08:45,754
He's usually a bit sick,
can't keep painkillers down.
193
00:08:45,755 --> 00:08:47,856
- You just need to pop two in.
- In where?
194
00:08:47,857 --> 00:08:50,546
Well, they are suppositories,
so in his bottom.
195
00:08:50,547 --> 00:08:51,709
For a joke?
196
00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:54,977
No, to stop his headache.
Bye, petal.
197
00:08:58,222 --> 00:09:01,228
Well, that is not happening.
Seriously, I don't care if you're dying,
198
00:09:01,229 --> 00:09:05,691
- I'm going nowhere near your arsehole.
- No, sure, fair enough.
199
00:09:08,807 --> 00:09:11,627
OK, so they've gone, then.
That's actually happened.
200
00:09:11,628 --> 00:09:14,879
Fine. Come on, then, Neil. Let's run through
a few house rules. Nothing too crazy...
201
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,716
- Shotgun your mum's bed.
- Right.
202
00:09:18,547 --> 00:09:21,796
As Neil made himself very much at home,
Jay had come up with a plan
203
00:09:21,797 --> 00:09:24,829
to put some distance between
his sexual organs and the dog.
204
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:28,989
He'd temporarily lose Benji,
run home and do what he had to do,
205
00:09:28,990 --> 00:09:32,351
do what he had to do again,
and once more if it wasn't too painful,
206
00:09:32,352 --> 00:09:36,014
then head out with some "lost dog"
signs and a £20 reward.
207
00:09:36,015 --> 00:09:39,715
Unfortunately, Benji - a dog -
was too smart for him.
208
00:09:40,351 --> 00:09:42,687
Fucking hell, Benji!
209
00:09:45,266 --> 00:09:48,547
Back at mine, I was fighting a losing
battle to house-train my new pet.
210
00:09:48,548 --> 00:09:52,761
- Do you eat this much toast at home?
- Will, what's this pesto? Is it for humans?
211
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:55,115
No, it's for extraterrestrials,
that's why we keep it in the fridge.
212
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,976
- Of course it's for fucking humans.
- Can you have it on toast?
213
00:09:57,977 --> 00:10:00,176
- Please use a plate.
- All right, gays.
214
00:10:00,177 --> 00:10:02,434
- How did you get in?
- Front door was open.
215
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,942
- Neil, did you leave the front door open?
- Might have done.
216
00:10:04,943 --> 00:10:07,393
- Do us some toast, Neil.
- All right.
217
00:10:08,006 --> 00:10:10,743
Sorry, is there a sign outside
by the permanently open front door
218
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,713
saying, "This way to the toast bar"?
Look, you're not even watching the TV.
219
00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:17,642
All right, calm down, Home Alone.
It's just force of habit.
220
00:10:17,643 --> 00:10:20,225
- Why are you even here?
- I needed to get away from my place.
221
00:10:20,226 --> 00:10:23,628
- The dog's driving me fucking mad.
- Because it stares at you while you masturbate?
222
00:10:23,629 --> 00:10:25,565
- Exactly.
- How long have you had him now?
223
00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:27,751
- About eight years.
- Has he always done it?
224
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:31,000
No, of course he hasn't! I wasn't wanking
a lot when I was ten, was I?
225
00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:34,303
I thought you got laid when you
was nine? With a fit babysitter.
226
00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:37,217
Yes, I did, Neil. That was why
I wasn't wanking so much.
227
00:10:37,218 --> 00:10:38,779
Something must have started him off.
228
00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:41,912
I think he might have chewed on a tissue
under my bed and now he's got a taste for it.
229
00:10:41,913 --> 00:10:45,741
Jesus, that's some acquired taste,
dry Kleenex and your ejaculate.
230
00:10:45,742 --> 00:10:48,126
- Here y'are, Jay.
- Cheers.
231
00:10:48,127 --> 00:10:51,898
- Can you try and be a bit tidier, please?
- I tell you what won't be tidy,
232
00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:55,440
your mum's tits. I bet Fergus is
covering them in spooge right now.
233
00:10:55,441 --> 00:10:57,724
- Can we not talk about this?
- Chuck us a drink, Neil.
234
00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:01,257
No-one is chucking anything. If you want
a drink, then pour yourself a glass.
235
00:11:01,258 --> 00:11:03,701
- The glasses are up there.
- God, it's like staying at The Ritz.
236
00:11:03,702 --> 00:11:06,431
Famous for its "no chucking
drinks or toast" policy.
237
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:09,628
- There's no fucking glasses.
- Try the dishwasher.
238
00:11:11,118 --> 00:11:14,261
Oh, for God's sake!
Right, we're going out.
239
00:11:14,262 --> 00:11:16,752
- Out where?
- I don't care. Outside. Out of here.
240
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:20,392
Fucking hell, I'll buy you a new glass
if you're going to get so menstrual about it.
241
00:11:20,393 --> 00:11:23,979
It's not about the glass. You're like
a plague of toast-eating locusts.
242
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:28,619
Fine, we'll go out. Neil, I think it's time
we took Will on a pussy patrol.
243
00:11:29,449 --> 00:11:31,533
So I was taken along
on the pussy patrol,
244
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:34,884
and it was pretty much
everything I dreamed it would be.
245
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,390
This is the pussy patrol, is it? Driving your
mum's car very slowly round the estate?
246
00:11:49,391 --> 00:11:52,332
- Sometimes we go down the shops.
- Have you even got your licence?
247
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:53,352
Provisional.
248
00:11:53,353 --> 00:11:56,084
So all the time you've been driving,
it's been illegal? Great.
249
00:11:56,085 --> 00:11:58,484
It's fine. If we get stopped,
we just say I'm giving him a lesson.
250
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,134
You aren't allowed to give lessons till
you've been driving for three years.
251
00:12:01,135 --> 00:12:04,952
- No, you just say disabled, then it's allowed.
- Who's disabled? You or him?
252
00:12:04,953 --> 00:12:06,982
One of us.
You say it's a mental disablement.
253
00:12:06,983 --> 00:12:10,983
- Yeah, I do a really good voice.
- Oh, well, I look forward to that.
254
00:12:11,483 --> 00:12:13,035
Watch that squirrel, Jay.
255
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:16,803
Nah, he'll shit himself and jump
out the way, they always do.
256
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:22,216
Hilarious! You just lost
a game of chicken with a rodent.
257
00:12:22,217 --> 00:12:26,967
- He's still there! He's mugging you off, mate!
- Yeah, we'll see who's the chicken.
258
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,503
Oh, my God, he's jumped out the way.
He's made you look a right mug!
259
00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:38,294
Fuck this! Right.
260
00:12:42,913 --> 00:12:44,308
Oh, God.
261
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:48,565
Oh, no! Why did you do that?
262
00:12:48,566 --> 00:12:51,443
Not so clever now, is he?
Now who's the fucking mug?
263
00:12:51,444 --> 00:12:53,584
I don't think it was trying
to make you look a mug, Jay.
264
00:12:53,585 --> 00:12:56,287
- Fucking little piss-taker.
- I'll get a spade, we'll bury him.
265
00:12:56,288 --> 00:12:58,446
Nah, fuck him!
266
00:13:03,578 --> 00:13:05,441
His eyes look sad.
267
00:13:05,442 --> 00:13:09,021
Great. So, so far in Jay and
Neil's war against Mother Nature,
268
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:13,297
the death toll stood at 52 flowers
and one piss-taking squirrel.
269
00:13:13,299 --> 00:13:16,221
Eventually, and with the blood
of a defenceless animal on our hands,
270
00:13:16,222 --> 00:13:19,272
and on Jay's wheel arches,
we headed back to mine.
271
00:13:19,495 --> 00:13:21,793
- All right. Where have you been?
- Jesus Christ, Simon,
272
00:13:21,794 --> 00:13:23,570
you scared the shit out of me!
How did you get in here?
273
00:13:23,571 --> 00:13:26,121
- Back door was open.
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
274
00:13:26,159 --> 00:13:30,083
- Mate, what the fuck are you wearing?
- It's a polo shirt and chinos.
275
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:32,145
You look like my cousin when
he went for a job interview.
276
00:13:32,146 --> 00:13:34,952
- Oh, is he a golf pro?
- No, he's got Down's syndrome.
277
00:13:34,953 --> 00:13:37,672
This is what everyone wears for golf.
Can I make some toast, Will?
278
00:13:37,673 --> 00:13:39,936
Pop one in for us, Si.
I'm just going to shit out a poo, yeah?
279
00:13:39,937 --> 00:13:43,283
Use the downstairs toilet.
And open a window!
280
00:13:44,119 --> 00:13:45,722
Who's that?
281
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:49,784
Hello.
This is for Polly Milf-Kenzie.
282
00:13:50,837 --> 00:13:55,119
If this was my dickish friends' way of taking
my mind off what Fergus was doing to my mum,
283
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,744
it wasn't working.
284
00:13:57,361 --> 00:13:59,688
- Who ordered these?
- I know, I'm a genius.
285
00:13:59,689 --> 00:14:01,830
Your mum left her card details
on a Post-it on the laptop.
286
00:14:01,831 --> 00:14:04,567
- That's for emergencies only!
- It was an emergency,
287
00:14:04,568 --> 00:14:07,681
your house is fucking boring!
Now we can get totally wankered.
288
00:14:07,682 --> 00:14:09,806
No, I'm getting it refunded.
I don't want to get wankered,
289
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:13,557
I want everything to be the same
as it was before she went away.
290
00:14:17,139 --> 00:14:19,296
- What?
- Nothing.
291
00:14:19,297 --> 00:14:21,273
- We haven't done anything, have we, Si?
- No.
292
00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:23,384
We haven't been anywhere
near your Facebook page.
293
00:14:23,385 --> 00:14:26,163
For fuck's sake,
what have you done?
294
00:14:26,164 --> 00:14:29,177
Oh, you've changed my profile
pic to a fat, naked man
295
00:14:29,178 --> 00:14:32,072
and you've changed my status to,
"Will is fingering his cat".
296
00:14:32,073 --> 00:14:35,203
- Presumably, you've changed the password too?
- Yep. Do you like the picture?
297
00:14:35,204 --> 00:14:37,626
The knob's a bit big, but other
than that, it's definitely you.
298
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,323
Seriously, you've got to tell me the
password. What if my mum sees this?
299
00:14:40,324 --> 00:14:43,867
She won't. I don't think Fergus can
get Facebook on the end of his cock.
300
00:14:43,868 --> 00:14:45,381
Look, if you don't tell me the password,
301
00:14:45,382 --> 00:14:48,004
I'm contacting the site administrator
and reporting you.
302
00:14:48,005 --> 00:14:50,901
Look out, Si, he's going to
get the Facebook police onto us!
303
00:14:50,902 --> 00:14:54,012
Oh no, I don't want to get told off
by the nerds who run Facebook!
304
00:14:54,013 --> 00:14:55,748
Please, I'm begging you!
305
00:14:55,749 --> 00:14:58,670
OK. You can have the password
if I can stay over.
306
00:14:58,671 --> 00:15:00,701
- I thought it was boring here?
- It is,
307
00:15:00,702 --> 00:15:03,239
but you don't have a dog,
and I have certain needs to fulfil.
308
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,967
Oh, Christ.
309
00:15:06,315 --> 00:15:09,067
All right, you can fucking stay.
Now, what's the password?
310
00:15:09,068 --> 00:15:10,529
- I heart...
- I heart...
311
00:15:10,530 --> 00:15:13,428
- ...my mum's vagina.
- Brilliant.
312
00:15:14,097 --> 00:15:17,596
- And that's not even it! Jay?
- Briefcase wanker.
313
00:15:17,597 --> 00:15:19,010
Pricks.
314
00:15:20,455 --> 00:15:23,720
So I'm no longer fingering a cat, but now
I can't return the lager. Thanks, Jay.
315
00:15:23,721 --> 00:15:25,465
- You're welcome. Si?
- I can't really,
316
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:28,090
- I've got the tournament tomorrow.
- Just one?
317
00:15:28,091 --> 00:15:29,684
Oh, fuck it, I can probably
have one, can't I?
318
00:15:29,685 --> 00:15:32,636
- Toilet's blocked.
- What do you mean toilet's blocked?
319
00:15:32,637 --> 00:15:33,644
It's blocked.
320
00:15:33,645 --> 00:15:36,000
So what you mean is,
you've blocked the toilet.
321
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:37,721
Maybe. I don't know.
I'm not a plumber.
322
00:15:37,722 --> 00:15:40,957
- Oh, I can smell it from here.
- Yeah. It was a bad one, to be honest.
323
00:15:40,958 --> 00:15:43,386
Like the leftovers from Christmas
dinner all in one go.
324
00:15:43,387 --> 00:15:44,435
Oh, God.
325
00:15:44,436 --> 00:15:46,754
So, as you'd expect,
not a clean break.
326
00:15:46,755 --> 00:15:49,079
And I ran out of toilet roll,
so I had to use a wet towel.
327
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,469
Jesus Christ! Well,
I'm sorry, but from now on,
328
00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:53,698
all toilets are now
out of bounds to guests.
329
00:15:53,699 --> 00:15:55,650
- What?
- Hang on, what if I need to go?
330
00:15:55,651 --> 00:15:58,143
- You could use the garden.
- I'm not a dog, Neil.
331
00:15:58,144 --> 00:16:01,003
OK, I'd assumed it was a given,
but I'll make it clear now, just in case:
332
00:16:01,004 --> 00:16:04,486
No-one is to shit in my back garden.
333
00:16:04,487 --> 00:16:05,780
- That's it.
- What?
334
00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:08,371
I'll tell my dad that
Benji did a shit in the house.
335
00:16:08,372 --> 00:16:09,394
Did he?
336
00:16:09,395 --> 00:16:11,832
No, but if I say he did,
we'll have to keep him outside.
337
00:16:11,833 --> 00:16:14,272
And then I can wank freely
without him judging me.
338
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:17,424
- Your dad?
- No, the dog.
339
00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:21,045
I don't know what they had for
Christmas dinner round Neil's house,
340
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:24,314
but it smelt like turkey stuffed
with rotten eggs and Pedigree Chum.
341
00:16:24,315 --> 00:16:27,024
Well, he's right,
it's definitely blocked.
342
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,092
- What's going on?
- Watch this.
343
00:16:43,033 --> 00:16:45,617
What the fuck are you doing?
344
00:16:45,618 --> 00:16:49,518
This golf bat is perfect, it's
exactly what we've been looking for.
345
00:16:51,867 --> 00:16:55,792
Sorry, was that not clear?
Stop fucking vandalising my garden!
346
00:16:55,900 --> 00:16:58,852
Oh, come on, Will, I thought that
at first, but have a go, it's fun.
347
00:16:58,853 --> 00:17:01,450
- Not for me, it's not.
- They're only daffodils.
348
00:17:01,451 --> 00:17:05,286
Fucking little show-offs. "Ooh, look at me,
I'm out first, I'm all yellow!"
349
00:17:05,287 --> 00:17:08,151
- Have you gone mental?
- Just have a go, it's fun.
350
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,916
- They go miles.
- No.
351
00:17:09,917 --> 00:17:13,445
What are you going to do next? Tag up
my bedroom? Piss through my letterbox?
352
00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:15,255
- Can we?
- No!
353
00:17:15,256 --> 00:17:18,340
Right, come on,
we're going out again. Come on!
354
00:17:18,976 --> 00:17:23,031
Babysitting these three was exhausting,
so I did what all good babysitters do:
355
00:17:23,032 --> 00:17:24,976
Hit the drink
and let them get on with it.
356
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,853
Oh, Christ, I've got to sober up!
What am I going to tell my dad?
357
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,470
- To leave your mum. She's a dog.
- Fuck off.
358
00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:32,353
Oh yes. Nice!
359
00:17:32,354 --> 00:17:35,738
- I thought we did all these the other night?
- They grow back every day, don't they?
360
00:17:35,739 --> 00:17:38,363
Or the bloke has replanted
them at some effort and cost.
361
00:17:38,364 --> 00:17:40,926
They're in the same place.
They must have grown back.
362
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:43,135
- Someone's replanted them, Neil.
- I doubt it.
363
00:17:43,136 --> 00:17:45,739
They're flowers! They grow.
That's what they do.
364
00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:47,555
That's why nobody minds
us smashing them up.
365
00:17:47,556 --> 00:17:51,246
- You know a lot about gardening.
- My dad used to shag Delia Smith, didn't he?
366
00:17:51,247 --> 00:17:54,067
Plus, this is public ground,
so we can do what we like.
367
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:56,040
No, it isn't!
This is someone's front garden.
368
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:58,207
Where's the fence, then?
369
00:17:59,394 --> 00:18:00,450
Nice.
370
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:02,448
This isn't right.
You shouldn't be doing this.
371
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:03,933
Oh, shut up for once.
372
00:18:03,934 --> 00:18:07,374
- No-one cares, Will, everyone does it.
- By the way, they definitely don't.
373
00:18:07,375 --> 00:18:12,175
In your whole life, have you ever just done
something because it was a fucking laugh?
374
00:18:13,710 --> 00:18:16,780
Look at you,
hanging round the estate, drinking,
375
00:18:16,781 --> 00:18:20,806
smashing up people's gardens. You're just
a teenage pregnancy away from an ASBO.
376
00:18:20,807 --> 00:18:23,255
Sorry, Neighbourhood Watch!
377
00:18:24,225 --> 00:18:28,166
- Oh, come on, Will, it is a laugh.
- What would my mum say if she found out?
378
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:30,319
- I know what she's saying at the moment.
- Do you?
379
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,065
Yep. "Ooh, Fergus, ooh, Fergus,
fuck me harder, in the mouth.
380
00:18:34,066 --> 00:18:37,304
"Now quickly, get it in my arse, Fergus."
381
00:18:38,513 --> 00:18:40,956
Fine, give it here, then.
382
00:18:42,093 --> 00:18:44,511
Oi, Jay. Dick Faldo!
383
00:18:45,947 --> 00:18:48,730
- See?
- To be fair, that was brilliant.
384
00:18:48,731 --> 00:18:50,879
- My go.
- No, one more.
385
00:18:53,348 --> 00:18:56,366
Oi! Stay there,
or I'm calling the police!
386
00:18:56,367 --> 00:18:58,982
- Run!
- Fuck off, you fat old shit!
387
00:18:58,983 --> 00:19:00,402
Well, that's not helping!
388
00:19:00,403 --> 00:19:05,355
So I had become what I hated, but thanks to
the beauty of alcohol, I couldn't care less.
389
00:19:07,035 --> 00:19:09,766
Here, what do you reckon this one
would do to a daffodil then, Si?
390
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:11,954
I reckon it would smash
the fuck out of it, Neil.
391
00:19:11,955 --> 00:19:14,732
Nice! I might have to borrow it
and head over to that bloke's place
392
00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,977
- when the flowers have grown back.
- Oh, come on, Neil.
393
00:19:16,978 --> 00:19:19,140
Give the fat old shit one day off.
394
00:19:19,141 --> 00:19:22,747
- Yeah, or he'll call the police!
- That was amazing, wasn't it?
395
00:19:22,748 --> 00:19:25,154
I mean, did he think for one
second that would scare me?
396
00:19:25,155 --> 00:19:28,795
- Fucking daff-loving idiot!
- Yes! Found it!
397
00:19:28,796 --> 00:19:31,882
- Will's mum's vibrator.
- That's a rolling pin.
398
00:19:31,883 --> 00:19:34,138
- It's still got the smell.
- It's a rolling pin.
399
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:37,241
Right, I've got some unfinished
business to attend to,
400
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,412
business pulling my cock
with no dogs around.
401
00:19:39,413 --> 00:19:41,889
- Not in my mum's bed!
- No, course not.
402
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,602
- Well, that's something.
- No, Neil's going to be wanking in there.
403
00:19:44,603 --> 00:19:49,061
Found these in the wash basket. Oh, yes,
they've still got that lovely arsey smell.
404
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:51,779
- Game of shots for the loser?
- What about your golf?
405
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:54,912
I'm a natural, everyone says it. A couple
more won't make any difference.
406
00:19:54,913 --> 00:19:57,700
The drink-driver's charter.
Cheers!
407
00:20:03,292 --> 00:20:05,919
The next morning, we were
woken by a terrible banging.
408
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,554
Either Jay was having the most
aggressive wank ever,
409
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:11,405
or something even more worrying
was happening.
410
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:14,970
What's that?
411
00:20:14,971 --> 00:20:18,086
Fucking hell,
my head is killing me.
412
00:20:18,690 --> 00:20:20,188
What's that noise?
413
00:20:20,189 --> 00:20:23,573
- I think someone's at the front door.
- It's a bit early, isn't it?
414
00:20:23,574 --> 00:20:26,025
- It's not that early.
- What?
415
00:20:26,251 --> 00:20:30,130
Oh, fuck, shit! It's past nine o' clock.
I should've been at golf an hour ago.
416
00:20:30,131 --> 00:20:32,939
- I wouldn't leave just yet.
- What do you mean? I'm already late!
417
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:37,175
Shall we see who's trying to smash
the door down before you head out?
418
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:40,334
- Oh, fuck!
- Who is it?
419
00:20:40,335 --> 00:20:43,185
- The bloke whose garden we destroyed.
- What, the fat old shit?
420
00:20:43,186 --> 00:20:45,335
Yes, except he's not fat,
he looks fucking hard.
421
00:20:45,336 --> 00:20:48,605
I've got to get to golf, I've got seven
missed calls, my dad will go mental.
422
00:20:48,606 --> 00:20:50,463
Fuck! Hide!
423
00:20:56,682 --> 00:20:59,589
- Has he gone?
- Shit! He's going to try the back door.
424
00:20:59,590 --> 00:21:01,395
- So?
- What if Neil's left it open again?
425
00:21:01,396 --> 00:21:03,020
Oh, shit!
426
00:21:08,536 --> 00:21:10,634
- Morning!
- Neil, the back door!
427
00:21:10,635 --> 00:21:13,287
- I locked it.
- Neil, get down!
428
00:21:13,288 --> 00:21:15,307
- What?
- Oi!
429
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,733
- Yep, that should have fooled him.
- He looks well angry!
430
00:21:20,734 --> 00:21:23,041
Shit, another missed call from my dad!
What are we going to do?
431
00:21:23,042 --> 00:21:25,159
- I know you're in there.
- Let's go back in the living room.
432
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,697
- How's that going to help?
- I just farted in here.
433
00:21:29,299 --> 00:21:33,031
Oh, God, Neil, I'm in its wake!
It's like you're carrying it in your pants!
434
00:21:33,032 --> 00:21:35,989
- What the fuck's all the noise?
- We're under attack from the daffodil bloke.
435
00:21:35,990 --> 00:21:37,356
- What?
- He's basically correct.
436
00:21:37,357 --> 00:21:39,532
- We're being threatened.
- Come out here like a man!
437
00:21:39,533 --> 00:21:41,835
- Does he know I'm here?
- I don't see how he could.
438
00:21:41,836 --> 00:21:44,283
Good, I'm going back to bed, then.
439
00:21:44,284 --> 00:21:47,887
Yoo-hoo! I heard a banging.
440
00:21:47,888 --> 00:21:50,187
Fucking Mrs Springett!
441
00:21:50,188 --> 00:21:52,716
I know you're in there.
I saw your mate.
442
00:21:52,717 --> 00:21:54,594
Come out and do some
vandalism now, then!
443
00:21:54,595 --> 00:21:57,714
- See? I told you it was vandalism.
- Oh, my God, my dad is going to kill me.
444
00:21:57,715 --> 00:22:00,145
- I think this guy might kill you first.
- I know your mum.
445
00:22:00,146 --> 00:22:02,442
- Shit, he knows your mum.
- Everyone knows your mum!
446
00:22:02,443 --> 00:22:06,222
- Not now, Neil.
- I know you're in there, I can see your feet.
447
00:22:06,223 --> 00:22:07,976
- Neil!
- I was getting cramp.
448
00:22:07,977 --> 00:22:10,334
Please, Will, say something to him.
See if he'll just let me out.
449
00:22:10,335 --> 00:22:13,451
- Are you insane? Listen to him.
- Please, mate, for my dad.
450
00:22:13,452 --> 00:22:16,631
- This golf thing is massive for him.
- Go on, what's the worst he could do?
451
00:22:16,632 --> 00:22:19,546
- Hit me really hard?
- He won't do that. He won't. Please, mate.
452
00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:22,004
There's an old lady
with a broken nose out here!
453
00:22:22,005 --> 00:22:25,036
God! Fine.
454
00:22:25,446 --> 00:22:27,361
- Now, sir...
- Come out here, you coward!
455
00:22:27,362 --> 00:22:30,647
I think we should all take a breath,
try and calm down.
456
00:22:30,648 --> 00:22:33,264
You're telling me to calm down?
Calm down?!
457
00:22:33,265 --> 00:22:36,173
I'll smash the shit out of your
garden and see how you like it!
458
00:22:36,174 --> 00:22:39,043
OK, I've got a really bad hangover,
so if you aren't willing
459
00:22:39,044 --> 00:22:42,070
to have a sensible conversation,
I'm going to shut the curtains.
460
00:22:42,071 --> 00:22:45,177
Are you taking the moral fucking
high ground? Is that what you're doing?
461
00:22:45,178 --> 00:22:48,354
- OK, I'm going to close these now.
- You think that's going to stop me?
462
00:22:48,355 --> 00:22:50,464
- I'm closing them now.
- You think I give a fuck?
463
00:22:50,465 --> 00:22:53,144
- About to close!
- You're a bunch of fucking vandals!
464
00:22:53,145 --> 00:22:54,212
- I'd call the police,
- ...closing...
465
00:22:54,213 --> 00:22:56,614
- but I want to deal with you myself!
- ...and they're closed.
466
00:22:56,615 --> 00:22:59,417
- He's gone. Nice one.
- That's your solution?
467
00:22:59,418 --> 00:23:01,095
- Do you have a better one?
- Oh, God.
468
00:23:01,096 --> 00:23:03,789
Oh, God, my dad is never, ever
going to forgive me.
469
00:23:03,790 --> 00:23:07,121
- Anyone want any toast?
- Yeah, all right.
470
00:23:08,048 --> 00:23:10,726
You all right, mate? What's up?
471
00:23:11,193 --> 00:23:13,741
Just got a text from my dad.
472
00:23:14,129 --> 00:23:16,291
He's had Benji put down.
473
00:23:16,463 --> 00:23:21,457
Said once they start shitting indoors, it's
basically the end, anyway. Kindest thing to do.
474
00:23:22,557 --> 00:23:24,467
What have I done?
475
00:23:25,254 --> 00:23:27,714
I'll never wank again!
476
00:23:28,230 --> 00:23:30,640
Come on, mate, you will.
477
00:23:32,875 --> 00:23:35,569
That'll probably be the police.
478
00:23:36,454 --> 00:23:38,674
- Oh, shit.
- Is it them?
479
00:23:38,675 --> 00:23:41,882
It's worse than that.
It's my mum.
480
00:23:42,701 --> 00:23:44,614
It had been an interesting few days.
481
00:23:44,615 --> 00:23:48,006
I'd squashed my first squirrel,
found out that I had a beak,
482
00:23:48,007 --> 00:23:51,321
and seen evidence that Jay
and Neil were surprisingly creative.
483
00:23:51,322 --> 00:23:55,116
The only good news was that, having spent the
weekend being fucked by a ginger stranger,
484
00:23:55,117 --> 00:23:57,671
my mum was dumped immediately,
because, and I quote,
485
00:23:57,672 --> 00:24:00,430
"He couldn't be dealing
with a problem child."
486
00:24:00,431 --> 00:24:02,565
Fucking Mrs Springett!
487
00:24:05,007 --> 00:24:10,007
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