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1
00:00:07,862 --> 00:00:11,827
- Look at that bump.
Congratulations.
2
00:00:11,896 --> 00:00:15,103
- Thank you.
- I hope that's decaf.
3
00:00:15,172 --> 00:00:18,344
- It is.
- Looking good, mama-to-be.
4
00:00:18,413 --> 00:00:20,517
But it's time
for some maternity clothes.
5
00:00:20,586 --> 00:00:22,379
You don't want
to squish the baby.
6
00:00:22,448 --> 00:00:24,965
- [laughs mockingly]
Sure don't.
7
00:00:25,034 --> 00:00:27,448
- Hey, sorry that took so long,
but you know the rules.
8
00:00:27,517 --> 00:00:29,137
I go to the grocery store,
I get a treat.
9
00:00:29,206 --> 00:00:30,793
And the lady
saw you were pregnant,
10
00:00:30,862 --> 00:00:32,655
so I got a free pretzel.
11
00:00:32,724 --> 00:00:34,310
- Hey, I noticed
you got cat litter.
12
00:00:34,379 --> 00:00:35,620
You should get rid
of your cat.
13
00:00:35,689 --> 00:00:37,068
They have parasites
in their poo
14
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,620
that could eat
your baby's brain.
15
00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:40,586
- Oh, thanks
for the tip, bro.
16
00:00:40,655 --> 00:00:44,137
Wow, people are so helpful
when you're pregnant.
17
00:00:44,206 --> 00:00:45,586
Hey, babe, door?
18
00:00:45,655 --> 00:00:47,862
- [sighs]
19
00:00:47,931 --> 00:00:50,862
[rock music]
20
00:00:50,931 --> 00:00:54,000
♪ ♪
21
00:00:54,068 --> 00:00:56,793
- Welcome, my dazzling divas.
22
00:00:56,862 --> 00:00:58,758
Are you ladies familiar
with Bishop and Boo?
23
00:00:58,827 --> 00:01:02,344
It's the world's third-largest
direct-sales cosmetics company.
24
00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:04,724
I'd love to get you acquainted.
25
00:01:04,793 --> 00:01:07,586
- Are you ill?
- No, I'm broke.
26
00:01:07,655 --> 00:01:09,758
I had to lease my horse,
Passing Fancy,
27
00:01:09,827 --> 00:01:12,275
to a third grader, and
she rides Western, not English.
28
00:01:12,344 --> 00:01:15,034
It's been a nightmare.
29
00:01:15,103 --> 00:01:17,310
So now I'm selling the finest
30
00:01:17,379 --> 00:01:19,000
wholesale cosmetics
on the market.
31
00:01:19,068 --> 00:01:24,517
And if I move enough product,
I get a white Jetta!
32
00:01:25,655 --> 00:01:28,103
So who wants a makeover?
Chelsea?
33
00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:30,655
- [scoffs] I don't buy
suburban-housewife makeup.
34
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,827
I wear classy makeup, like MAC.
35
00:01:35,793 --> 00:01:37,689
Cecelia, are you eating
a ginger root?
36
00:01:37,758 --> 00:01:38,793
- Yeah.
37
00:01:38,862 --> 00:01:40,620
I haven't had time
to cook lately,
38
00:01:40,689 --> 00:01:42,586
and they don't have any vegan
options on the cafeteria.
39
00:01:42,655 --> 00:01:44,724
So I just grabbed this
on the way out.
40
00:01:44,793 --> 00:01:46,068
It's gross.
41
00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:47,620
- Why don't you just
flavor trip?
42
00:01:47,689 --> 00:01:49,586
- What's that?
- It's this hot new trend
43
00:01:49,655 --> 00:01:51,206
where you take a pill
and it makes
44
00:01:51,275 --> 00:01:53,000
disgusting food taste good.
45
00:01:53,068 --> 00:01:56,379
Seriously, you drink vinegar,
and it tastes like grape juice.
46
00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:58,793
That's how I got down
to a size 0.
47
00:02:00,482 --> 00:02:02,724
And I am a size zero.
48
00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:06,965
Stop looking at me.
- Oh, I'll have to get some.
49
00:02:07,034 --> 00:02:09,206
- Oh, I've got some.
Oh, not that one.
50
00:02:09,275 --> 00:02:10,896
That's for something else.
51
00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:13,241
- Good morning, Deb--
- No, it's not.
52
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:17,000
I've got insane heartburn from
an ice cream and sardine binge,
53
00:02:17,068 --> 00:02:20,344
my butthole's pumping more gas
than the Alaskan pipeline,
54
00:02:20,413 --> 00:02:22,482
and I have Shrek feet.
55
00:02:22,551 --> 00:02:24,000
This pregnancy crap's
overwhelming.
56
00:02:24,068 --> 00:02:25,655
- Why don't you
join a mommy group?
57
00:02:25,724 --> 00:02:27,241
That way, you can
share your frustrations
58
00:02:27,310 --> 00:02:29,000
with other women who are
going through the same thing.
59
00:02:29,068 --> 00:02:31,931
- Maybe, as long as they don't
call me a mommy.
60
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,793
- Might I suggest
making a good impression
61
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:36,413
on your new friends with some
"Won't Fade With The Day"
62
00:02:36,482 --> 00:02:39,344
eyeliner in emerald mist?
63
00:02:39,413 --> 00:02:41,482
- Get a life.
64
00:02:41,551 --> 00:02:44,000
- Sorry, Ian, but when
your grades slip,
65
00:02:44,068 --> 00:02:45,413
and you bring a honeydew melon
66
00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:47,172
from home to throw
at your classmates,
67
00:02:47,241 --> 00:02:49,103
your mom and dad get called in.
68
00:02:49,172 --> 00:02:50,896
Them's the rules.
69
00:02:50,965 --> 00:02:53,793
- Ms. Bennigan?
- Oh, Mr. Mund, hi.
70
00:02:53,862 --> 00:02:55,620
- You can call me Lonny.
- It's nice to meet you.
71
00:02:55,689 --> 00:02:57,517
- You too.
Hey, bud.
72
00:02:57,586 --> 00:02:59,655
- Ian, would you mind
stepping out for a sec
73
00:02:59,724 --> 00:03:01,827
so we can have
a grown-up powwow?
74
00:03:01,896 --> 00:03:04,034
- Sure.
- Okay, I love you.
75
00:03:04,103 --> 00:03:07,000
- Please have a seat.
- [groans]
76
00:03:07,068 --> 00:03:08,413
- Uh, where's Mrs. Mund?
77
00:03:08,482 --> 00:03:10,103
- Oh, probably picking up
her human suit
78
00:03:10,172 --> 00:03:13,689
from the dry cleaner's so
no one knows she's the devil.
79
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:15,448
I don't know if Ian told you,
80
00:03:15,517 --> 00:03:16,758
but we are going
through a divorce.
81
00:03:16,827 --> 00:03:18,620
- Oh, I'm so sorry
to hear that.
82
00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:20,827
That probably explains
why he's falling behind.
83
00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:23,965
- Yeah, the custody dispute
has been a total nightmare,
84
00:03:24,034 --> 00:03:26,482
thanks to my harpy,
Medusa wife.
85
00:03:27,931 --> 00:03:28,931
Sorry.
86
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,551
- Why don't we
just call her Paula?
87
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,275
- Sure. "Paula."
88
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,965
You see, Ian is adopted,
89
00:03:36,034 --> 00:03:38,344
and since it was
Paula's initial idea,
90
00:03:38,413 --> 00:03:40,103
she's been
using that as leverage
91
00:03:40,172 --> 00:03:41,344
to try and get full custody.
92
00:03:41,413 --> 00:03:43,103
- I wasn't aware
he was adopted.
93
00:03:43,172 --> 00:03:45,965
- Chechnya.
Lovely people, but what a dump.
94
00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:48,000
The whole place
smells like fish.
95
00:03:48,068 --> 00:03:49,896
You know,
I have a question for you.
96
00:03:49,965 --> 00:03:51,896
Do you think that Ian
needs a tutor?
97
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:55,000
- Oh, no, I don't think
that's necessary.
98
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,310
And it sounds like you've got
a lot on your plate as is.
99
00:03:58,379 --> 00:04:00,758
Tell you what,
I'll give Ian a little extra
100
00:04:00,827 --> 00:04:04,413
one-on-one attention,
and you keep him away from--
101
00:04:04,482 --> 00:04:06,310
- My garbage wife.
- I was gonna say
102
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:09,275
all the negativity.
- Oh, same thing, but sure.
103
00:04:09,344 --> 00:04:11,000
- Okay.
104
00:04:11,068 --> 00:04:13,931
[funky music]
105
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,827
- Oh.
106
00:04:16,827 --> 00:04:18,000
[dramatic musical flourish]
107
00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:20,068
- Painting your nails?
Me too.
108
00:04:20,137 --> 00:04:22,793
I'm using Bishop and Boo's
"No Chip, Look Hip"
109
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,896
glossy nail polish
in Persian pink.
110
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,344
It lasts up to seven weeks.
111
00:04:27,413 --> 00:04:28,724
[dramatic musical flourish]
112
00:04:28,793 --> 00:04:30,448
- Ms. Snap?
- Hmm?
113
00:04:30,517 --> 00:04:33,068
- I can't go down the slide.
It's full.
114
00:04:33,137 --> 00:04:34,655
- What?
115
00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:36,000
Oh!
- Hi, Chelsea.
116
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,758
I didn't expect
to see you here.
117
00:04:37,827 --> 00:04:39,310
I'm just applying
Bishop and Boo's
118
00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:42,931
all-natural "Spoil My Body"
butter chiffon creme.
119
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,517
It boosts collagen and won't
leave my skin feeling oily.
120
00:04:47,862 --> 00:04:50,620
- [screams] You are like
the freakin' Babadook.
121
00:04:50,689 --> 00:04:51,965
What is wrong with you?
122
00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:54,344
- I'll tell you
what's not wrong with me--
123
00:04:54,413 --> 00:04:56,310
dry, chapped lips.
124
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,689
Thanks to Bishop and Boo's
125
00:04:57,758 --> 00:04:59,586
"Perfectly Plump Pout"
lip balm,
126
00:04:59,655 --> 00:05:02,034
my lips are
as soft as a seal's.
127
00:05:02,103 --> 00:05:04,551
- Oh, my God, Caroline.
Give it a rest.
128
00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:05,724
- Okay, fine.
129
00:05:05,793 --> 00:05:07,724
I'm sorry I've been
such a pest.
130
00:05:07,793 --> 00:05:09,965
I just figured that your face
131
00:05:10,034 --> 00:05:12,310
would be the perfect canvas
for the product.
132
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:16,206
I mean, if people saw someone
as flawless as you
133
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:19,172
wearing the makeup,
it would sell itself.
134
00:05:19,241 --> 00:05:21,000
- Well, that makes
a lot of sense.
135
00:05:21,068 --> 00:05:23,172
A man who claimed he was
a model scout at the mall
136
00:05:23,241 --> 00:05:24,275
told me the same thing.
137
00:05:24,344 --> 00:05:26,103
- So...
does that mean
138
00:05:26,172 --> 00:05:28,448
I get to give you
a Bishop and Boo makeover?
139
00:05:28,517 --> 00:05:29,793
- Sure.
- [gasps]
140
00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:31,241
- But only if you promise
to put me
141
00:05:31,310 --> 00:05:34,655
on your professional
Facebook page and LinkedIn.
142
00:05:34,724 --> 00:05:36,827
LinkedIn is
a perfect dating Website.
143
00:05:36,896 --> 00:05:38,724
I can literally search "CEO."
144
00:05:38,793 --> 00:05:40,724
[rock music]
145
00:05:40,793 --> 00:05:43,724
- So, mommies, we have
a new mommy in the group.
146
00:05:43,793 --> 00:05:46,620
Please help me welcome
Mrs. Deborah Adler.
147
00:05:46,689 --> 00:05:49,724
- It's just Deb.
- And I'm just Damien.
148
00:05:49,793 --> 00:05:51,896
I'm the husband.
We're pregnant.
149
00:05:51,965 --> 00:05:54,241
- Mm.
Such a special time.
150
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,172
Why don't you tell us all
about your birth plan?
151
00:05:57,241 --> 00:05:58,482
- There isn't really a plan.
152
00:05:58,551 --> 00:05:59,931
I'm just gonna go
to the hospital,
153
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,620
get drugged up,
and blast this baby out.
154
00:06:02,689 --> 00:06:04,758
- [gasps]
155
00:06:04,827 --> 00:06:06,689
- You're not having
a natural birth?
156
00:06:06,758 --> 00:06:08,724
- No, I want all the drugs.
157
00:06:08,793 --> 00:06:11,000
- Yeah, not all the drugs,
just the safe ones.
158
00:06:11,068 --> 00:06:13,379
- Oh, there are no safe ones.
Isn't that right, Siobhan?
159
00:06:13,448 --> 00:06:16,034
- Yeah,
they're all dangerous.
160
00:06:16,103 --> 00:06:19,793
- Deborah, this is
a judgment-free zone,
161
00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:21,965
but your decision is terrible.
162
00:06:22,034 --> 00:06:24,758
- Do you want your baby
to be born high?
163
00:06:24,827 --> 00:06:26,862
- I gave birth
to all of my children at home
164
00:06:26,931 --> 00:06:28,517
in our infinity hot tub.
165
00:06:28,586 --> 00:06:32,034
- They just floated right out.
- It was blissful.
166
00:06:32,103 --> 00:06:34,344
- Yeah, I think
I'm good with the hospital.
167
00:06:34,413 --> 00:06:36,172
- You're wrong!
168
00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:39,517
I'm sorry. Just because you've
chosen to harm your child
169
00:06:39,586 --> 00:06:40,965
doesn't mean I should be rude.
170
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:44,034
- Okay, I gave it a shot.
Let's go, Damien.
171
00:06:46,517 --> 00:06:49,034
Damien.
172
00:06:49,103 --> 00:06:51,758
- Fine, but just know
if you get the epidural,
173
00:06:51,827 --> 00:06:53,482
you won't feel
the orgasmic release
174
00:06:53,551 --> 00:06:55,655
of oxytocin as you crown!
175
00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:57,482
[door slams]
176
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,172
She heard me.
177
00:06:59,241 --> 00:07:01,896
- Mmm.
178
00:07:04,448 --> 00:07:06,862
Mmm. Ahh.
179
00:07:06,931 --> 00:07:08,862
Thanks for letting me
eat in here.
180
00:07:08,931 --> 00:07:11,034
Caroline banished me
from the teacher's lounge.
181
00:07:11,103 --> 00:07:13,448
She said the stench of my food
was impeding her sales.
182
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:16,310
- Yeah, I got to say, it's hard
to watch you eat this stuff.
183
00:07:16,379 --> 00:07:18,000
- Oh, it's delicious.
184
00:07:18,068 --> 00:07:20,379
The horseradish
tastes like dessert.
185
00:07:20,448 --> 00:07:21,551
Flavor tripping works.
186
00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:23,241
[cell phone chimes]
187
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,827
Ooh, got to go.
188
00:07:24,896 --> 00:07:26,172
Fourth grade lunch is over,
189
00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:27,931
and the lunch lady
said I could have
190
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,206
the leftover
tater-tot grease.
191
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,827
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Mund.
It's so good to see you.
192
00:07:35,896 --> 00:07:37,517
- Why did you tell
my shrimp-dick husband
193
00:07:37,586 --> 00:07:38,655
to cancel the tutor?
194
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,068
- What? I didn't.
195
00:07:40,137 --> 00:07:42,793
- Uh, you said the tutor
was "unnecessary,"
196
00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:45,551
so that walking dildo
canceled Ian's sessions,
197
00:07:45,620 --> 00:07:46,862
which I already paid for.
198
00:07:46,931 --> 00:07:49,344
- I'm so sorry.
I had no idea. I--
199
00:07:49,413 --> 00:07:50,620
- [babbling mockingly]
200
00:07:50,689 --> 00:07:51,965
Stay out of my
family's business.
201
00:07:52,034 --> 00:07:53,310
I don't want your opinion
202
00:07:53,379 --> 00:07:56,034
unless you're my attorney
or Raoul.
203
00:07:59,517 --> 00:08:02,517
- You must be Raoul.
204
00:08:02,586 --> 00:08:04,310
- Raoul!
205
00:08:04,379 --> 00:08:07,310
[rock music]
206
00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:08,689
♪ ♪
207
00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:11,586
- As a lactation expert,
I highly recommend
208
00:08:11,655 --> 00:08:13,241
you join La Leche League.
209
00:08:13,310 --> 00:08:16,827
It's a community that believes
the child should decide
210
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:18,275
when breastfeeding ends.
211
00:08:18,344 --> 00:08:21,551
- Totally. We love that idea.
- Oh, do we?
212
00:08:21,620 --> 00:08:25,034
Sorry, but when does the child
usually decide to stop?
213
00:08:25,103 --> 00:08:28,000
- Some breastfeed
for as long as 72 months.
214
00:08:28,068 --> 00:08:30,862
- Wow. That sounds awesome.
- Does it?
215
00:08:30,931 --> 00:08:32,586
'Cause, personally,
I don't want to have
216
00:08:32,655 --> 00:08:34,275
a six-year-old
feasting on my tits.
217
00:08:34,344 --> 00:08:37,448
- It is important for
a child's psychological health
218
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,586
that they decide when to wean.
219
00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:41,586
You don't want them
to feel rejected.
220
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,103
- I got to say, Deb--
221
00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:44,862
all the breasts
I've been denied in my life,
222
00:08:44,931 --> 00:08:46,827
that really had an effect
on my self-esteem.
223
00:08:46,896 --> 00:08:48,482
We should think about this.
224
00:08:48,551 --> 00:08:51,517
- I'll think about this,
because it'll be my nipples
225
00:08:51,586 --> 00:08:54,793
being gnawed on until the kid
gets their driver's license.
226
00:08:54,862 --> 00:08:57,793
My tits, my choice!
227
00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:01,517
[sighs]
228
00:09:06,689 --> 00:09:08,758
Hey, Deb Adler here--
229
00:09:08,827 --> 00:09:11,517
fully preggers,
and giving zero Fs.
230
00:09:11,586 --> 00:09:13,068
You know what I'm sick of?
231
00:09:13,137 --> 00:09:16,344
Everyone telling me what to do
with my pregnancy.
232
00:09:16,413 --> 00:09:18,896
Mommy groups,
lactation coaches,
233
00:09:18,965 --> 00:09:22,413
blogs, books, magazines,
bowling alley attendants.
234
00:09:22,482 --> 00:09:24,000
It's endless.
235
00:09:24,068 --> 00:09:25,931
But just so all of you people
236
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,103
who've given me advice
know you've been heard,
237
00:09:28,172 --> 00:09:30,655
I'm gonna respond
to each and every one of you.
238
00:09:30,724 --> 00:09:32,034
Fuck you.
239
00:09:32,103 --> 00:09:34,310
Fuck you.
Go fuck yourself.
240
00:09:34,379 --> 00:09:37,413
Get fucked.
And, Randy, fuck you.
241
00:09:37,482 --> 00:09:39,586
You wear a back brace
when you bowl,
242
00:09:39,655 --> 00:09:41,896
you fucking asshole.
243
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:46,551
All you mothers-to-be
out there, you do you.
244
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:50,586
Be the rock stars you are
and tell everybody else
245
00:09:50,655 --> 00:09:53,724
to #LeggoMyPreggo.
246
00:09:53,793 --> 00:09:54,896
[cell phone beeps]
247
00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:57,448
And upload.
248
00:10:00,068 --> 00:10:02,655
- This foundation feels...
249
00:10:02,724 --> 00:10:04,413
thick.
- It is.
250
00:10:04,482 --> 00:10:06,689
The matte liquid
fills in the deep creases.
251
00:10:06,758 --> 00:10:08,482
- [gasps]
252
00:10:08,551 --> 00:10:11,034
- I mean fine lines.
253
00:10:11,103 --> 00:10:13,000
Very fine.
254
00:10:13,068 --> 00:10:15,793
And to complete
the Bishop and Boo new you,
255
00:10:15,862 --> 00:10:18,068
you can be the first to try
our just released
256
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:20,241
"Aubergine
Lengthen and Strengthen"
257
00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:22,689
eyelash lengthener
with natural peptides
258
00:10:22,758 --> 00:10:24,655
to give you
longer, fuller lashes.
259
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:28,172
I don't want to brag, but
at the Romanian Cosmetics Expo,
260
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:31,275
we totally handed Latisse
their ass on a plate.
261
00:10:31,344 --> 00:10:33,206
- So it makes
your eyelashes longer,
262
00:10:33,275 --> 00:10:35,862
and I won't have to recycle
my falsies every other week?
263
00:10:35,931 --> 00:10:37,931
I'll buy one.
- Wonderful.
264
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,931
That'll be a one-time payment
of just $45.99.
265
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,862
- For mascara?
- It has peptides, Chelsea.
266
00:10:43,931 --> 00:10:46,482
Peptides.
- Fine.
267
00:10:49,551 --> 00:10:50,931
- You see how easy that was?
268
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,172
That mascara
only cost $4 wholesale.
269
00:10:53,241 --> 00:10:56,000
- Wait. You just flat out
ripped me off?
270
00:10:56,068 --> 00:10:59,448
- No, I sold you a product
at a retail markup price.
271
00:10:59,517 --> 00:11:01,931
You should consider
selling Bishop and Boo.
272
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,896
If you sell enough in a year,
you get a white Jetta.
273
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,275
And if you recruit
new brand ambassadors,
274
00:11:07,344 --> 00:11:09,931
you get a cut of every sale
they make, too.
275
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,931
- I could use some extra cash
for my nose job.
276
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,896
Deviated septum procedure
which I desperately need
277
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,379
in order to breathe.
278
00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:19,482
You know what?
I'm in.
279
00:11:19,551 --> 00:11:20,517
- [screams]
280
00:11:20,586 --> 00:11:22,344
[both laugh]
281
00:11:22,413 --> 00:11:24,689
- I will have that white Jetta.
I will.
282
00:11:24,758 --> 00:11:26,137
[rock music]
283
00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:28,689
- Now, I know this is
none of my business,
284
00:11:28,758 --> 00:11:30,931
but Paula stopped by earlier--
285
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,827
- Did she bring Raoul?
286
00:11:32,896 --> 00:11:34,793
- Um...
- It's okay. You can tell me.
287
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,068
I won't get mad.
288
00:11:36,137 --> 00:11:39,655
- Yes, Raoul was here.
- Damn it!
289
00:11:39,724 --> 00:11:40,827
What did he look like?
290
00:11:40,896 --> 00:11:42,620
[louder]
What did he look like?
291
00:11:42,689 --> 00:11:44,551
- Swarthy.
- Like what?
292
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,241
Like a sexy pirate?
293
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:50,172
Admit it, he looked like
a sexy pirate!
294
00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:53,724
- I think he's just feeling
a little insecure about...
295
00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:55,241
Raoul.
296
00:11:55,310 --> 00:11:58,103
- He went to strip clubs
having "business lunches"
297
00:11:58,172 --> 00:12:00,310
while I stayed home
taking care of our child.
298
00:12:00,379 --> 00:12:02,896
Oh, but now I'm not allowed
sexual fulfillment
299
00:12:02,965 --> 00:12:04,655
for the first time
in my adult life?
300
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,137
Who's side are you on?
301
00:12:06,206 --> 00:12:08,103
- Listen, I was up
for trying new things,
302
00:12:08,172 --> 00:12:11,241
but if the only way that she
can be "sexually fulfilled"
303
00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:14,448
is to put her fist up my--
my you-know-what,
304
00:12:14,517 --> 00:12:15,758
well, that is on her.
305
00:12:15,827 --> 00:12:17,172
- Stop putting me
in the middle!
306
00:12:17,241 --> 00:12:19,172
I just want you guys
to get along!
307
00:12:19,241 --> 00:12:20,620
I don't want to have
two separate
308
00:12:20,689 --> 00:12:22,517
parent/teacher conferences!
309
00:12:23,551 --> 00:12:26,896
- Deb, we saw your video.
- I carry a knife in my boot.
310
00:12:26,965 --> 00:12:30,103
- Oh, no, no, it was amazing.
311
00:12:30,172 --> 00:12:33,344
- It was so real,
so raw, so exposed.
312
00:12:33,413 --> 00:12:37,551
You said what we all feel.
- You have 40,000 views.
313
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:38,689
- For real?
- Yeah.
314
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,206
- We are so tired of Honour
315
00:12:40,275 --> 00:12:42,482
and all of her judgmental
earth mama baloney.
316
00:12:42,551 --> 00:12:44,206
- Yeah,
she's pretty dogmatic.
317
00:12:44,275 --> 00:12:46,275
- [gasps] You should start
your own mommy group.
318
00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:47,655
- [gasps]
- We'd join.
319
00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:49,827
- Oh, my God, please.
320
00:12:49,896 --> 00:12:51,344
We hate Honour.
- Mm.
321
00:12:51,413 --> 00:12:54,896
- She makes us stick
essential oils up our vaginas.
322
00:12:54,965 --> 00:12:57,482
- And she checks.
- Oh.
323
00:12:57,551 --> 00:13:00,517
[rock music]
324
00:13:00,586 --> 00:13:01,620
♪ ♪
325
00:13:01,689 --> 00:13:03,137
- Guess what.
326
00:13:03,206 --> 00:13:05,482
I already recruited
two new brand ambassadors.
327
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:08,724
- Wow. That's amazing.
- Ms. Snap, it worked.
328
00:13:08,793 --> 00:13:10,793
All the homely girls
are buying the makeup,
329
00:13:10,862 --> 00:13:12,413
just like you said they would.
330
00:13:12,482 --> 00:13:15,482
We even sold some
cellulite cream to a fat boy.
331
00:13:15,551 --> 00:13:17,137
- Excellent.
332
00:13:17,206 --> 00:13:19,241
Fun fact--transfer students
are always hard up for friends.
333
00:13:19,310 --> 00:13:20,793
They'll do anything to fit in.
334
00:13:20,862 --> 00:13:23,551
So make sure to sell them
the big-ticket items.
335
00:13:23,620 --> 00:13:25,689
Okay?
336
00:13:25,758 --> 00:13:27,310
- Chelsea,
you're having children
337
00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:29,586
prey on each other's
insecurities to sell makeup?
338
00:13:29,655 --> 00:13:32,862
- Oh, but Jennifer Aniston
can make me hate myself enough
339
00:13:32,931 --> 00:13:34,655
to buy fancy water?
340
00:13:34,724 --> 00:13:36,827
It's called sales, Caroline.
341
00:13:36,896 --> 00:13:38,586
- Oh, my God.
342
00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:40,655
Is Cecelia eating a leaf?
343
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,655
- Mmm.
344
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:48,241
- Okay, listen, you two babies.
I'm laying down the law.
345
00:13:48,310 --> 00:13:51,344
I'm tired of your inability
to communicate like adults.
346
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:54,137
This isn't about winning
or who's right or who's wrong.
347
00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:57,620
It's about Ian, your son.
Remember him?
348
00:13:57,689 --> 00:14:01,034
Now get it together.
349
00:14:01,103 --> 00:14:05,586
You assholes!
350
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:09,793
- Did you just
call us assholes?
351
00:14:09,862 --> 00:14:13,068
- That was
highly inappropriate.
352
00:14:13,137 --> 00:14:15,000
- Are you okay?
- I-I don't know.
353
00:14:15,068 --> 00:14:17,275
Are you okay?
- No, I am shaken.
354
00:14:17,344 --> 00:14:20,620
- Oh. How dare you
call my husband an asshole?
355
00:14:20,689 --> 00:14:22,241
- He yelled at me today.
356
00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:24,620
- Well, I'm sorry if my husband
got passionate
357
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,172
about his son's well-being.
358
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:29,344
- Why are you defending him?
You called him a...
359
00:14:29,413 --> 00:14:30,965
[softly]
Shrimp penis.
360
00:14:31,034 --> 00:14:33,586
- Well, if she said that,
and I highly doubt she did...
361
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:35,724
- I didn't.
- She did so in the sanctity
362
00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:38,310
of a parent-teacher conference.
- That's right.
363
00:14:38,379 --> 00:14:41,206
- I am so sick of you
being attacked like this.
364
00:14:41,275 --> 00:14:43,379
Come on, let's go.
- Yeah, we're leaving.
365
00:14:43,448 --> 00:14:45,827
Oh, and for your information,
366
00:14:45,896 --> 00:14:49,206
this man tried to take
a fist for me.
367
00:14:49,275 --> 00:14:52,448
Like a boss.
- Like a boss.
368
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:55,310
- This isn't your mother's
mommy group.
369
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:57,344
Nobody's gonna tell us
what to do, right?
370
00:14:57,413 --> 00:14:59,379
all: Right!
- We make our own rules!
371
00:14:59,448 --> 00:15:01,551
Right?
all: Right!
372
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:04,896
- Leggo My Preggo!
373
00:15:04,965 --> 00:15:08,103
all:
Leggo My Preggo!
374
00:15:08,172 --> 00:15:11,379
[all yelling]
375
00:15:15,931 --> 00:15:18,551
[rock music]
376
00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:20,344
- Hey, what are you
doing here?
377
00:15:20,413 --> 00:15:22,724
- Oh, I was going
to Mommies 4 Mommies.
378
00:15:22,793 --> 00:15:25,275
- I told you I quit that.
- Yeah, I know.
379
00:15:25,344 --> 00:15:27,448
I was just, uh, gonna--
gonna go alone.
380
00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:30,103
- Are you kidding me?
- I need support, too, Deb.
381
00:15:30,172 --> 00:15:31,689
You're not the only one
who's pregnant here.
382
00:15:31,758 --> 00:15:33,172
- Yes, I am.
383
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:35,413
You just like to wear
elastic stretch pants.
384
00:15:35,482 --> 00:15:37,103
- Please don't take this
the wrong way.
385
00:15:37,172 --> 00:15:38,931
- Oh, here we go.
- I just feel like you're not
386
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,551
willing to listen to anyone.
387
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:42,896
I mean, you dismiss
everybody's advice out of hand.
388
00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:44,241
We've never done this before.
389
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:45,724
Maybe it will be better
for the baby
390
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,758
if you didn't get the epidural.
- Oh-ho-ho.
391
00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:51,137
This is my pregnancy,
and I don't want any of that.
392
00:15:51,206 --> 00:15:54,172
- Yeah, it's your pregnancy,
but it's our baby.
393
00:15:54,241 --> 00:15:55,896
I-I just want to
consider all the options.
394
00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:58,000
- Great, go consider them.
395
00:15:58,068 --> 00:16:01,724
And while you're hanging out
with all of the perfect moms,
396
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:04,172
tell Honour I looked her up
on Facebook,
397
00:16:04,241 --> 00:16:06,689
and of course
her real name is Ruth.
398
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:09,620
Of course it is!
399
00:16:09,689 --> 00:16:11,379
- [gasps]
400
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:14,206
Cecelia, I see you tried
Bishop and Boo's
401
00:16:14,275 --> 00:16:16,482
Perfectly Kissable lipstick.
402
00:16:16,551 --> 00:16:18,103
Oh.
403
00:16:18,172 --> 00:16:20,241
You got a little on your teeth.
- Uh-huh.
404
00:16:20,310 --> 00:16:22,517
It's delicious.
405
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,034
- [scoffs]
- Mmm.
406
00:16:26,103 --> 00:16:27,758
Mmm.
407
00:16:27,827 --> 00:16:30,068
- That'll be $29.95.
408
00:16:30,137 --> 00:16:32,172
- You made my parents
get back together.
409
00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:33,827
- Aren't you happy?
- No.
410
00:16:33,896 --> 00:16:36,172
If they're back together,
they'll fight all the time.
411
00:16:37,482 --> 00:16:39,862
I bet they'd get along
just fine if it wasn't for me.
412
00:16:39,931 --> 00:16:42,551
- Oh, honey,
that's a very common thing
413
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,379
for children to think
when they're parents
414
00:16:44,448 --> 00:16:47,275
are getting divorced,
but that's not true.
415
00:16:47,344 --> 00:16:49,517
They love you very much.
416
00:16:49,586 --> 00:16:51,689
- Then why were they always
arguing about me?
417
00:16:51,758 --> 00:16:55,448
- They were arguing about
getting to spend time with you.
418
00:16:55,517 --> 00:16:57,482
- Really?
- Absolutely.
419
00:16:57,551 --> 00:16:59,137
- I guess
they really do love me.
420
00:16:59,206 --> 00:17:00,551
- Of course they do.
421
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:04,517
They flew all the way
to Chechnya to adopt you.
422
00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:05,896
- I'm adopted?
423
00:17:05,965 --> 00:17:07,689
- Ooh.
424
00:17:07,758 --> 00:17:11,241
- You told him he was adopted?
- You told her he was adopted?
425
00:17:11,310 --> 00:17:12,517
- I'm so sorry.
If I had known it was a secret,
426
00:17:12,586 --> 00:17:14,310
I wouldn't have said anything.
427
00:17:14,379 --> 00:17:16,482
- We were waiting to tell him
after his bar mitzvah.
428
00:17:16,551 --> 00:17:19,000
- I told you that
that would be way too late.
429
00:17:19,068 --> 00:17:20,965
If we waited that long,
he would have figured out
430
00:17:21,034 --> 00:17:22,448
why he doesn't look Jewish.
431
00:17:22,517 --> 00:17:26,586
- Oh, my God,
that is so offensive, Lonny.
432
00:17:26,655 --> 00:17:29,275
You know what? This is over.
And I mean it this time.
433
00:17:29,344 --> 00:17:31,206
- Oh, fine by me.
- Great.
434
00:17:31,275 --> 00:17:33,551
Well, let's go tell Ian
we're getting divorced again.
435
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,206
- Terrific.
- Fine.
436
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:37,241
I am so sick of you
and your anti-Semitic comments.
437
00:17:37,310 --> 00:17:39,344
- Oh, you have no room to talk
with the amount
438
00:17:39,413 --> 00:17:40,896
of Mexican jokes you tell.
439
00:17:40,965 --> 00:17:43,655
- Margot, how many sales
did you make today?
440
00:17:43,724 --> 00:17:45,000
- Zero.
441
00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:48,448
No one will buy anything
since the mascara recall.
442
00:17:48,517 --> 00:17:51,137
[screams]
443
00:17:51,206 --> 00:17:53,827
- Margot?
Margot, come back here.
444
00:17:53,896 --> 00:17:55,620
What recall?
445
00:17:55,689 --> 00:17:59,655
- Hey, Damien,
how was your meeting with Ruth?
446
00:17:59,724 --> 00:18:01,068
- Ignore her.
447
00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:04,172
- Oh, of course
she's telling you what to do.
448
00:18:04,241 --> 00:18:05,517
Grow some balls.
449
00:18:05,586 --> 00:18:07,310
- Hey, wanting the best
for our baby
450
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,206
does not mean
I don't have balls, Deb.
451
00:18:09,275 --> 00:18:11,931
- Yes, we saw your
foul-mouthed video, Deborah.
452
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,068
Don't be surprised
if your baby's first word
453
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:16,586
is the f-bomb.
I pity your child.
454
00:18:16,655 --> 00:18:19,517
- Not everyone
wants to crap their baby out
455
00:18:19,586 --> 00:18:22,413
on the top of a mountain
like "The Lion King."
456
00:18:22,482 --> 00:18:24,551
- Oh, well, of course
you would think that, Siobhan,
457
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:27,344
since everyone here knows
your emergency C-section
458
00:18:27,413 --> 00:18:28,758
was planned weeks in advance.
459
00:18:28,827 --> 00:18:31,517
- Eat me!
- Okay, everybody calm down.
460
00:18:31,586 --> 00:18:33,206
- Oh, shut up, Deborah!
461
00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,862
Why don't you do us all a favor
and get your tubes tied
462
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,517
so you don't bring
another drug addict
463
00:18:37,586 --> 00:18:39,137
into this world,
who will probably grow up
464
00:18:39,206 --> 00:18:40,655
and become a serial killer
465
00:18:40,724 --> 00:18:42,655
because you find
breastfeeding inconvenient?
466
00:18:42,724 --> 00:18:44,413
- Hey, that's our kid
you're talking about.
467
00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:46,620
- It is not your kid!
It's Deb's!
468
00:18:46,689 --> 00:18:48,689
- Relax. It's his kid, too.
469
00:18:48,758 --> 00:18:49,862
- If you admit that,
470
00:18:49,931 --> 00:18:51,310
then he will try to tell you
what to do!
471
00:18:51,379 --> 00:18:53,482
- Okay, this is
straight up bonkers.
472
00:18:53,551 --> 00:18:55,172
I'm dissolving Leggo My Preggo.
473
00:18:55,241 --> 00:18:56,448
[all gasp]
474
00:18:56,517 --> 00:18:57,931
- I got to bounce.
I'm starving.
475
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,000
- I'll join you.
I'm sorry, Ruth. I got to quit.
476
00:19:01,068 --> 00:19:03,068
- My name is Honour!
477
00:19:03,137 --> 00:19:04,206
Aah!
478
00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:06,689
[all yelling]
479
00:19:06,758 --> 00:19:08,241
- Hi, ladies.
480
00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:10,931
I've got fading cream,
you've got stretch marks.
481
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,206
Let's do business!
482
00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:13,724
- Caroline.
- Aah!
483
00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:16,896
- Your janky mascara
gave me Robert Durst eyes.
484
00:19:16,965 --> 00:19:19,344
- I'm sorry! I didn't know
about the recall!
485
00:19:19,413 --> 00:19:21,620
Besides, it's not that bad.
486
00:19:21,689 --> 00:19:23,448
- Then why aren't you
looking at me?
487
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:24,689
- [whimpering]
488
00:19:24,758 --> 00:19:28,000
- Look at me!
- I can't.
489
00:19:28,068 --> 00:19:30,000
I'm afraid of sharks.
490
00:19:30,068 --> 00:19:33,448
- I am gonna tell everyone
about your Bishop and Bullshit!
491
00:19:33,517 --> 00:19:35,896
You are never
gonna get a Jetta!
492
00:19:35,965 --> 00:19:37,896
- No!
493
00:19:39,896 --> 00:19:41,241
[soft music]
494
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:43,034
- I'm sorry I yelled at you.
495
00:19:43,103 --> 00:19:46,344
- [sighs] I'm sorry I got
all up in your pregnancy.
496
00:19:46,413 --> 00:19:48,517
- That's okay.
You should be involved.
497
00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,758
And we'll figure
this stuff out together.
498
00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:54,379
We both want the same thing--
for our baby to flourish
499
00:19:54,448 --> 00:19:57,206
in a nurturing
and enriching environment.
500
00:19:57,275 --> 00:19:59,344
- Totally.
501
00:19:59,413 --> 00:20:01,344
♪ ♪
502
00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:04,275
[menacing music]
503
00:20:04,344 --> 00:20:08,896
♪ ♪
504
00:20:08,965 --> 00:20:12,793
[rock music]
505
00:20:12,862 --> 00:20:20,068
♪ ♪
506
00:20:33,931 --> 00:20:37,137
- [snoring]
37280
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