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00:00:07,551 --> 00:00:10,379
- ♪ Prep days,
get paid for nothing days ♪
2
00:00:10,448 --> 00:00:13,344
♪ No kids are here days ♪
3
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:17,551
[long]
♪ Prep days! ♪
4
00:00:21,103 --> 00:00:25,172
[dramatic musical flourish]
5
00:00:25,241 --> 00:00:27,965
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
6
00:00:28,034 --> 00:00:30,275
- Get the fuck
out of my classroom!
7
00:00:30,344 --> 00:00:32,034
- Get the fuck
out of my house!
8
00:00:32,103 --> 00:00:35,034
[rock music]
9
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,448
♪ ♪
10
00:00:37,517 --> 00:00:39,896
- I've got a homeless man
in my trailer.
11
00:00:39,965 --> 00:00:42,793
No, it's not a trailer home.
It's my classroom.
12
00:00:42,862 --> 00:00:45,413
I'm a teacher.
Yeah, I know.
13
00:00:45,482 --> 00:00:48,103
I think I should
have a classroom too.
14
00:00:48,172 --> 00:00:49,758
Oh--
[scoffs]
15
00:00:49,827 --> 00:00:53,344
911 just put me on hold again.
Unreal.
16
00:00:53,413 --> 00:00:56,655
- Prep days are so weird.
Empty halls, no kids.
17
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:59,034
It's like being in a club
during the daytime.
18
00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:00,724
- Did you see
the "Gazette" article?
19
00:01:00,793 --> 00:01:03,689
Caroline's father is being
investigated for embezzlement.
20
00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:05,793
- I read that, too.
- I knew something was up
21
00:01:05,862 --> 00:01:07,724
when Elton John
and a hologram of Tupac
22
00:01:07,793 --> 00:01:09,482
performed at her dad's
birthday party.
23
00:01:09,551 --> 00:01:11,758
- Good morning, everyone!
- Hey, girl!
24
00:01:11,827 --> 00:01:13,586
- Look who it is?
- What are you doing here?
25
00:01:13,655 --> 00:01:15,517
- I know you guys
were just talking about me,
26
00:01:15,586 --> 00:01:17,689
and for the record,
my father didn't embezzle.
27
00:01:17,758 --> 00:01:19,517
That's just something
poor people say
28
00:01:19,586 --> 00:01:21,482
when they're mad they don't
have as much money as you.
29
00:01:21,551 --> 00:01:23,344
- I don't know, Caroline,
it sounds like
30
00:01:23,413 --> 00:01:25,103
the evidence shows--
- Deb, please.
31
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,172
I already have enough
on my mind with organizing
32
00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:28,896
tonight's back to school mixer.
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00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:32,379
Once again, it's going to be
as close to a debutante ball
34
00:01:32,448 --> 00:01:34,068
as you can get
a school cafeteria.
35
00:01:34,137 --> 00:01:36,655
- What's the theme this year?
- A night in Paris.
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00:01:36,724 --> 00:01:38,655
The food and decorations
are going to make you feel
37
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,379
like you're actually in France.
38
00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:41,758
- I've never spent time
in France.
39
00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,482
But I once banged a French guy,
40
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:45,379
so I like to say France
has spent time in me.
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00:01:45,448 --> 00:01:47,137
Let me know if you
need help setting up.
42
00:01:47,206 --> 00:01:49,275
- Thanks. If you could get the
chairs from the storage room,
43
00:01:49,344 --> 00:01:50,793
that'd be great.
- [scoffs]
44
00:01:50,862 --> 00:01:52,827
I was just asking to be polite.
Unbelievable.
45
00:01:52,896 --> 00:01:55,275
- Where's Feldman?
- Ugh, who knows?
46
00:01:55,344 --> 00:01:57,413
She's like a white trash
teen's period.
47
00:01:57,482 --> 00:01:58,827
Never on time.
48
00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:01,344
- Guys, something terrible
has happened.
49
00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,103
- Guess who the new
principal is?
50
00:02:03,172 --> 00:02:05,137
[laughs]
Boom!
51
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,758
- Oh!
- Bam, bam, bam!
52
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,689
It's going to be a great year.
53
00:02:08,758 --> 00:02:10,689
- Are you serious?
- How is this possible?
54
00:02:10,758 --> 00:02:11,965
- Oh, well, when Pearson left,
55
00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,931
I decided to
throw my hat in the ring.
56
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,344
Let me tell you, ladies,
it feels good to be on top.
57
00:02:16,413 --> 00:02:17,758
Chelsea knows
what I'm talking about.
58
00:02:17,827 --> 00:02:19,965
- [gasps]
- Oop, no, that reminds me.
59
00:02:20,034 --> 00:02:21,724
I know, as a teacher,
I had a reputation
60
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,275
of being somewhat
of a puss-popper.
61
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,896
Oop, ah, did it again.
62
00:02:24,965 --> 00:02:27,379
But things are going to be
super profesh from now on.
63
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,793
Okay?
- Well, if you're
64
00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:30,551
the principal,
you should know that
65
00:02:30,620 --> 00:02:33,448
there's a homeless man
squatting in my trailer.
66
00:02:33,517 --> 00:02:36,448
- Yikes, good luck with that.
67
00:02:36,517 --> 00:02:38,241
Excuse me.
68
00:02:38,310 --> 00:02:41,482
[rock music]
69
00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,793
- Hi, how was your summer?
- Fine.
70
00:02:44,862 --> 00:02:46,551
Although I screwed up
the plumbing in my apartment
71
00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:48,344
after a vajazzling fiasco.
72
00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:50,482
I clogged the toilet
pissing rhinestones.
73
00:02:50,551 --> 00:02:52,620
I'm Chelsea, by the way.
Nice to meet you.
74
00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:55,758
- Mavis. We've met.
75
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:59,344
I've been the school secretary
for 25 years.
76
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:02,827
I take your attendance sheets
every day.
77
00:03:02,896 --> 00:03:05,413
I drove you to the hospital
when your bellybutton ring
78
00:03:05,482 --> 00:03:07,068
got caught
on a spiral notebook.
79
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:10,137
- Huh. Well, it's always nice
to meet a fan.
80
00:03:10,206 --> 00:03:11,517
- Listen, Mabel.
- Mavis!
81
00:03:11,586 --> 00:03:14,689
- Okay, chill,
it's just your name.
82
00:03:14,758 --> 00:03:16,310
I need the key
to the storage closet
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00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:17,758
so I can get chairs
for the mixer.
84
00:03:17,827 --> 00:03:18,896
- No.
85
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:20,206
- [scoffs]
No?
86
00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:21,724
- No.
- Fine.
87
00:03:21,793 --> 00:03:23,551
I'll talk to Brent.
- He's busy.
88
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:26,379
- Ooh, ha-ha-ha!
[grunts]
89
00:03:26,448 --> 00:03:28,103
[grunts]
Suck it, Williams!
90
00:03:28,172 --> 00:03:31,103
- He's playing virtual tennis.
- Doesn't matter.
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00:03:31,172 --> 00:03:33,275
Keys to the school's property
are given out
92
00:03:33,344 --> 00:03:36,344
at the sole discretion of
the administrative assistant.
93
00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:38,068
- Who's that?
- Me, you idiot!
94
00:03:38,137 --> 00:03:40,137
You're not getting the keys.
95
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:43,448
You can go now.
96
00:03:43,517 --> 00:03:45,965
[rock music]
97
00:03:46,034 --> 00:03:48,413
- Do you guys know this
lunatic in the front office?
98
00:03:48,482 --> 00:03:50,000
- You mean Mavis?
- Yes!
99
00:03:50,068 --> 00:03:51,931
What a terrible name.
It's like her parents said,
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00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,689
"Welcome to the world.
Now go, be ugly."
101
00:03:53,758 --> 00:03:56,103
- I love Mavis.
She helped bake cookies
102
00:03:56,172 --> 00:03:58,482
for my church's fundraiser.
- She hemmed my kaftan for me.
103
00:03:58,551 --> 00:04:02,448
- She got me a last-minute sub
when my grandma died last year.
104
00:04:02,517 --> 00:04:05,275
- Well, she's a beast.
Wait.
105
00:04:05,344 --> 00:04:06,793
Your grandma died?
106
00:04:06,862 --> 00:04:10,793
- Yeah, almost everyone
attended the funeral.
107
00:04:10,862 --> 00:04:12,724
- Is there somewhere
I can donate?
108
00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:14,379
- You should be nice to Mavis.
109
00:04:14,448 --> 00:04:15,793
She's the heartbeat
of the school.
110
00:04:15,862 --> 00:04:17,655
- Yeah, never mess
with the front office.
111
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:19,448
- She could
make your life hell.
112
00:04:19,517 --> 00:04:21,655
She knows everything.
- Everything.
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00:04:21,724 --> 00:04:23,103
[dramatic music]
114
00:04:23,172 --> 00:04:26,344
[slowly]
Everything.
115
00:04:26,413 --> 00:04:28,206
- There is still no one here!
116
00:04:28,275 --> 00:04:31,724
I've got a homeless man
bathing in my reading nook!
117
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:36,724
- Get off my lawn!
- It's asphalt, asshole!
118
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:41,448
Jesus.
119
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:43,724
[French bistro music]
120
00:04:47,137 --> 00:04:49,448
- Ah, Carolina!
121
00:05:06,689 --> 00:05:10,379
[phone beeps]
- Oh, your card is declined.
122
00:05:10,448 --> 00:05:12,517
- My carte noire?
- Mm.
123
00:05:12,586 --> 00:05:14,172
- Must not be
a big enough purchase.
124
00:05:14,241 --> 00:05:16,275
[both laugh]
125
00:05:16,344 --> 00:05:19,137
Uh, here.
Use this one.
126
00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:23,448
[phone beeps]
- Declined.
127
00:05:24,275 --> 00:05:27,793
- Wait, uh, no, Thibodeau,
this is for our mixer.
128
00:05:29,206 --> 00:05:31,206
- You don't get to speak French
to me anymore!
129
00:05:31,275 --> 00:05:33,793
Now get your stubby hands
off my coat,
130
00:05:33,862 --> 00:05:36,793
you filthy American peasant.
131
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,172
[rock music]
132
00:05:42,758 --> 00:05:45,655
[rock music]
133
00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:47,862
- Ooh, who are
the chocolates from?
134
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,724
- Nobody, I'm giving them
to Mervis.
135
00:05:49,793 --> 00:05:51,034
- It's Mavis.
Oh, hi, hello.
136
00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:54,620
Yeah, I have a homeless man--
Hello?
137
00:05:54,689 --> 00:05:57,379
Damn it, 911 put me
on hold again.
138
00:05:57,448 --> 00:05:58,965
- Hey, dawgs!
- Let me guess.
139
00:05:59,034 --> 00:06:00,724
You couldn't find any underwear
so you're wearing
140
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,827
two pieces of paper towel
stapled together?
141
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,310
- No, that's the kind of
mistake you only make once.
142
00:06:05,379 --> 00:06:07,379
Actually, I need to
tell you guys something.
143
00:06:07,448 --> 00:06:08,517
I'm--
- I'm poor!
144
00:06:08,586 --> 00:06:10,034
- What?
- All my assets
145
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,655
have been frozen pending
my father's investigation.
146
00:06:12,724 --> 00:06:14,103
- You still have
your teaching salary.
147
00:06:14,172 --> 00:06:15,586
- My salary?
148
00:06:15,655 --> 00:06:17,689
I just found out how much
we make. Do you guys know?
149
00:06:17,758 --> 00:06:20,275
It's like, really low.
150
00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:21,862
- Welcome to the real world.
151
00:06:21,931 --> 00:06:23,758
Now bend over,
and grab your ankles.
152
00:06:23,827 --> 00:06:25,689
- I don't know
how to live poor.
153
00:06:25,758 --> 00:06:28,758
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
154
00:06:28,827 --> 00:06:31,034
I'm going to have to start
eating at Cracker Barrel.
155
00:06:31,103 --> 00:06:33,551
- Ugh, get over it, Caroline.
Side note:
156
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:35,103
Have you met
the front office woman?
157
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:36,793
She won't let me have chairs
for the mixer, and--
158
00:06:36,862 --> 00:06:40,068
- The mixer?
I can't pay for a gala.
159
00:06:40,137 --> 00:06:42,172
- I thought the school
paid for it.
160
00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:45,551
- No, and even if they did,
I can't think of
161
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:47,551
organizing something right now.
162
00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:52,655
How do poor people accomplish
anything besides being sad?
163
00:06:52,724 --> 00:06:54,482
The mixer is cancelled.
- What?
164
00:06:54,551 --> 00:06:55,896
No, that's where
I meet all the dads
165
00:06:55,965 --> 00:06:57,379
that got divorced
over the summer.
166
00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:58,931
- What about me?
I'm the art teacher.
167
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,448
The mixer is the
one chance I have
168
00:07:00,517 --> 00:07:02,068
to remind parents
I still exist.
169
00:07:02,137 --> 00:07:05,551
- No.
We're not cancelling.
170
00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,034
[inspiring music]
171
00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:10,275
The mixer sets the tone
for the whole year--
172
00:07:10,344 --> 00:07:12,482
that school
is supposed to be fun,
173
00:07:12,551 --> 00:07:15,068
a blast, a fricking party.
174
00:07:15,137 --> 00:07:18,758
I'll be damned if I allow
a party to get cancelled.
175
00:07:18,827 --> 00:07:20,275
Come on, dudes.
176
00:07:20,344 --> 00:07:22,862
We're going to crush this mixer
like Brock Lesnar
177
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:26,137
crushed the Undertaker
in WrestleMania 30!
178
00:07:28,551 --> 00:07:31,172
Oh, he crushed him hard.
all: Hmm.
179
00:07:31,241 --> 00:07:34,172
[rock music]
180
00:07:34,241 --> 00:07:36,551
♪ ♪
181
00:07:36,620 --> 00:07:38,827
- Are you kidding me?
182
00:07:41,758 --> 00:07:43,206
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
183
00:07:43,275 --> 00:07:44,931
I need to get in to get
my glue and scissors
184
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,931
so I can help decorate.
- For what?
185
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,344
- The mixer.
- I didn't get an invite.
186
00:07:49,413 --> 00:07:51,827
- Because you're not a part
of this school, you moron.
187
00:07:51,896 --> 00:07:54,448
Now let me in.
- Not with that attitude.
188
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:55,724
- I--
189
00:07:55,793 --> 00:07:57,241
[grunts]
[rock music]
190
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,413
- Okay, dudes,
what's the most important part
191
00:08:00,482 --> 00:08:01,689
to any successful party?
192
00:08:01,758 --> 00:08:04,620
- Penis!
- No, food.
193
00:08:04,689 --> 00:08:06,275
- Hmm, I was close.
194
00:08:06,344 --> 00:08:08,517
- Now, we're going
to have to get creative,
195
00:08:08,586 --> 00:08:10,620
and go full-on "Chopped" mode.
196
00:08:10,689 --> 00:08:12,862
Before you are
mystery ingredients
197
00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:15,241
that you must use
to create a dish for tonight.
198
00:08:15,310 --> 00:08:17,413
You'll have 60 minutes
to prepare.
199
00:08:17,482 --> 00:08:19,551
If your dish doesn't cut it...
200
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:22,241
You will be chopped.
201
00:08:23,655 --> 00:08:24,862
Not actually going to do that,
202
00:08:24,931 --> 00:08:27,172
but I've always
wanted to say it.
203
00:08:27,241 --> 00:08:28,517
Lift your baskets.
204
00:08:28,586 --> 00:08:30,034
[tense music]
205
00:08:30,103 --> 00:08:32,862
- Whoa, how'd you
get into the school's pantry?
206
00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:35,827
- Oh, my bro-bro Duncan
is an amateur locksmith.
207
00:08:35,896 --> 00:08:39,275
Chefs, your time begins now.
Go!
208
00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:41,551
♪ ♪
209
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:43,000
- It's not French pastries,
210
00:08:43,068 --> 00:08:45,413
but it's better
than food from the pantry.
211
00:08:45,482 --> 00:08:47,931
- That'll be $66.08.
212
00:08:50,379 --> 00:08:51,586
- Here you go.
213
00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:53,724
- What's that?
- Coupons.
214
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,862
Don't worry,
I just learned about them, too.
215
00:08:57,931 --> 00:09:00,034
- We don't accept coupons.
216
00:09:00,103 --> 00:09:03,620
- Okay, uh, well,
I need this for the mixer,
217
00:09:03,689 --> 00:09:04,965
and I don't have any money,
218
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:07,965
so how are we
going to handle this?
219
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:09,551
- If you don't have any money,
220
00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:11,551
I can't give you the donuts,
ma'am.
221
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:13,103
- Please don't call me ma'am.
222
00:09:13,172 --> 00:09:15,517
It's already been
a really tough day.
223
00:09:15,586 --> 00:09:18,034
both: One, two, three!
224
00:09:18,103 --> 00:09:20,103
- I win!
- No fair!
225
00:09:20,172 --> 00:09:22,482
Your thumb's stronger
from all the typing.
226
00:09:22,551 --> 00:09:25,103
Rematch.
- Mavis, hello!
227
00:09:25,172 --> 00:09:27,344
Ooh, looks like someone's
ready for the runway.
228
00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:30,689
Where'd you get that cardigan?
- JC Penney. Can I help you?
229
00:09:30,758 --> 00:09:32,068
- I wanted to give you these
230
00:09:32,137 --> 00:09:35,000
to apologize for not
recognizing you earlier.
231
00:09:36,931 --> 00:09:38,724
- Is this
supposed to be a joke?
232
00:09:38,793 --> 00:09:40,862
I'm deathly allergic
to chocolate.
233
00:09:40,931 --> 00:09:42,517
- [chuckles]
I wish I was.
234
00:09:42,586 --> 00:09:45,310
It might help me get down
to my double digit goal weight.
235
00:09:45,379 --> 00:09:47,931
- So you'd like to be
in a hospital for eight days
236
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,241
with blistering hives,
a migraine,
237
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:53,827
and be so bloated the skin
around your ankles splits?
238
00:09:53,896 --> 00:09:55,206
- I'm just trying
to make things right.
239
00:09:55,275 --> 00:09:56,758
- You don't know
who you're messing with.
240
00:09:56,827 --> 00:09:59,068
- What?
I'm not messing with you.
241
00:09:59,137 --> 00:10:02,586
- You do know I've got access
to everybody's files, right?
242
00:10:02,655 --> 00:10:07,344
I know all your secrets,
and I will reveal them.
243
00:10:07,413 --> 00:10:10,034
I'm the wizard
behind the curtain, honey.
244
00:10:10,103 --> 00:10:12,344
Welcome to Oz, bitch.
245
00:10:12,413 --> 00:10:15,241
- No, don't
put me on hold again.
246
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:17,310
Damn it!
247
00:10:18,931 --> 00:10:20,137
- What are you
still doing out here?
248
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,724
- I'm waiting for the police.
249
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:23,655
- Well, it's hotter
than Satan's anus.
250
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:27,517
I cannot have a pregnant woman
dying on my property.
251
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:30,724
It'd be a legal nightmare.
252
00:10:30,793 --> 00:10:34,793
You'd better come on in.
- Fine.
253
00:10:36,413 --> 00:10:38,482
[groans]
254
00:10:38,551 --> 00:10:40,551
- My name's Zeke.
255
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:42,827
Shoes off, please.
256
00:10:42,896 --> 00:10:45,137
- Your feet are covered
in dog poop.
257
00:10:45,206 --> 00:10:47,724
- [laughs]
That's not dog.
258
00:10:47,793 --> 00:10:50,758
[rock music]
259
00:10:50,827 --> 00:10:53,241
- Ricky, my man.
- Feldman, what up?
260
00:10:53,310 --> 00:10:55,965
- Thanks for coming, bro.
- I got you.
261
00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:59,758
- Oh, nah, man.
- Oh, I got you.
262
00:11:01,758 --> 00:11:03,551
- Mm-mm.
263
00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:05,448
I need to borrow
the tablecloth.
264
00:11:05,517 --> 00:11:06,931
- Whatever
floats your boat, mama.
265
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,931
But if you're wrapping a body,
266
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,310
it's going to take
three of these.
267
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:14,241
- Actually,
we're going to need about 20.
268
00:11:15,448 --> 00:11:17,379
- You know you're going
to have to leave.
269
00:11:17,448 --> 00:11:20,275
- I can't leave.
I have roots here.
270
00:11:20,344 --> 00:11:21,827
I had to fight off another guy
271
00:11:21,896 --> 00:11:23,517
just for the rights
to this place.
272
00:11:23,586 --> 00:11:26,655
It was here I got his fingers
in this pencil sharpener,
273
00:11:26,724 --> 00:11:29,068
and he finally gave up.
- Jesus.
274
00:11:29,137 --> 00:11:31,275
- And this,
this is my pride and joy.
275
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:34,206
- My class's "I'm thankful"
chain from last year?
276
00:11:34,275 --> 00:11:37,172
- Got me through
some tough times.
277
00:11:37,241 --> 00:11:39,827
"I'm thankful for laser tag."
278
00:11:39,896 --> 00:11:42,413
"I'm thankful for
crunchy french fries."
279
00:11:42,482 --> 00:11:46,379
"I'm thankful
for my grandpa's pool."
280
00:11:46,448 --> 00:11:49,965
See, whenever I got down,
I'd just read one of these
281
00:11:50,034 --> 00:11:53,482
and it would remind me that the
world's not such a bad place.
282
00:11:53,551 --> 00:11:54,862
[tender music]
283
00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:58,310
I started writing my own.
284
00:11:58,379 --> 00:12:00,620
"I'm thankful
I got out of that building
285
00:12:00,689 --> 00:12:03,517
before they burned that guy."
286
00:12:03,586 --> 00:12:05,310
And that.
- My cat?
287
00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:07,172
- That's my late wife,
Samantha.
288
00:12:07,241 --> 00:12:09,034
The love of my life.
289
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,758
I still jerk it to her
every night.
290
00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:14,517
[groovy musical flourish]
291
00:12:14,586 --> 00:12:16,758
- Are you going to get
a new look this school year?
292
00:12:16,827 --> 00:12:20,034
- No, why?
- Just wondering.
293
00:12:20,103 --> 00:12:22,448
[gasps]
- Is that a mugshot?
294
00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:24,724
- I was dressed for the club
in a bad neighborhood.
295
00:12:24,793 --> 00:12:26,482
It was not prostitution.
296
00:12:26,551 --> 00:12:27,758
[tense music]
297
00:12:27,827 --> 00:12:29,448
Mavis.
298
00:12:29,517 --> 00:12:33,172
- Attention, Ms. Snap,
your monthly bulk shipment
299
00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:36,413
of Monistat has arrived
in the front office.
300
00:12:36,482 --> 00:12:38,620
- Wow, gross.
301
00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:45,827
- 12/9/14, 12/10/14,
12/11/14--
302
00:12:45,896 --> 00:12:47,137
how does she know that?!
303
00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:49,655
- You're not
in Kansas anymore, bitch.
304
00:12:49,724 --> 00:12:51,413
[dramatic musical flourish]
305
00:12:51,482 --> 00:12:55,965
- This is ridiculous. These are
perfectly good savings bonds!
306
00:12:56,034 --> 00:12:57,275
How about some pearl earrings?
307
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,206
- I'm sorry,
I can't take those.
308
00:12:59,275 --> 00:13:01,172
- You're not going to take
Mikimoto pearls
309
00:13:01,241 --> 00:13:04,586
for a bunch of glazed donuts?
You're an idiot.
310
00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:08,172
Okay, you want
to play hardball?
311
00:13:11,586 --> 00:13:13,344
This is an oriental rug
the Vanderbilts had
312
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:16,482
in their summer home.
The Vanderbilts.
313
00:13:16,551 --> 00:13:19,655
Now give me the donuts.
- No.
314
00:13:19,724 --> 00:13:22,655
[tense music]
315
00:13:22,724 --> 00:13:25,655
[rock music]
316
00:13:25,724 --> 00:13:31,586
♪ ♪
317
00:13:31,655 --> 00:13:35,586
- [grunts]
- That's it, keep launching.
318
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:36,965
- This is a mess.
319
00:13:37,034 --> 00:13:38,241
- Yeah, this looks like
the outside
320
00:13:38,310 --> 00:13:39,793
of a fat high schooler's house.
321
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,655
- We're screwed.
- Guys, trust me.
322
00:13:42,724 --> 00:13:44,724
Everything I've
accomplished in life
323
00:13:44,793 --> 00:13:48,896
has been with limited resources
and minimal effort.
324
00:13:48,965 --> 00:13:52,689
I know we can do this.
Now launch.
325
00:13:52,758 --> 00:13:55,655
[upbeat electronic music]
326
00:13:55,724 --> 00:13:57,827
- ♪ Are you ready? ♪
327
00:13:57,896 --> 00:14:01,137
♪ Bring it, let's go ♪
328
00:14:01,206 --> 00:14:03,655
♪ ♪
329
00:14:03,724 --> 00:14:05,896
- You really
pulled it off, Feldman.
330
00:14:05,965 --> 00:14:08,068
- We pulled it off.
331
00:14:08,137 --> 00:14:11,551
- You guys,
this place looks incredible.
332
00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:13,586
Did you get funding
from the school?
333
00:14:13,655 --> 00:14:15,172
- No.
334
00:14:15,241 --> 00:14:17,965
- So you did all of this
with no money?
335
00:14:18,034 --> 00:14:19,275
Wow.
336
00:14:19,344 --> 00:14:21,137
Maybe I won't have to
rob donut stores
337
00:14:21,206 --> 00:14:23,551
to live off of
a teacher's salary.
338
00:14:23,620 --> 00:14:26,896
Thank you, Feldman.
- Hey, hey.
339
00:14:26,965 --> 00:14:29,896
Check it out. Looking good,
ladies, real good.
340
00:14:29,965 --> 00:14:32,068
The mixer, not your asses.
341
00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,448
See that?
Supes profesh, right?
342
00:14:35,517 --> 00:14:39,103
Feldman, what are you doing?
You don't work here anymore.
343
00:14:42,862 --> 00:14:44,206
[soft music]
344
00:14:44,275 --> 00:14:46,862
- I'm leaving Fillmore.
345
00:14:46,931 --> 00:14:49,068
- Why?
- Over the summer,
346
00:14:49,137 --> 00:14:51,344
I applied for
a teaching job in Amsterdam
347
00:14:51,413 --> 00:14:53,379
and I found out last week
that I got it.
348
00:14:53,448 --> 00:14:56,103
I came in today to
tell you guys face to face,
349
00:14:56,172 --> 00:14:57,827
but I got sidetracked
by the mixer.
350
00:14:57,896 --> 00:15:00,137
- I didn't even know you were
looking for another job.
351
00:15:00,206 --> 00:15:02,793
- I wasn't.
I started by looking up
352
00:15:02,862 --> 00:15:04,413
medical marijuana
on the internet,
353
00:15:04,482 --> 00:15:07,724
which led to legalized weed,
which led to Amsterdam.
354
00:15:07,793 --> 00:15:10,896
A few bowls later,
I'm submitting an application
355
00:15:10,965 --> 00:15:14,793
for a teaching position
at Den Sjove Skole.
356
00:15:14,862 --> 00:15:16,551
- So this is real.
357
00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:20,344
- Dudes, this was the hardest
decision I've ever had to make
358
00:15:20,413 --> 00:15:23,344
aside from whether or not
to sleep with Silent Bob.
359
00:15:23,413 --> 00:15:27,793
But this move will allow me
to do my two favorite things:
360
00:15:27,862 --> 00:15:32,103
mold the noggins of the future,
and smoke that legal reef.
361
00:15:32,172 --> 00:15:34,448
♪ ♪
362
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:37,068
They're also paying me
over 60K a year.
363
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,206
- Oh, go.
- Get out.
364
00:15:38,275 --> 00:15:39,689
- Please, yeah.
- Yeah.
365
00:15:39,758 --> 00:15:42,586
- When do you leave?
- Tomorrow afternoon.
366
00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:43,862
- Tomorrow?
367
00:15:43,931 --> 00:15:45,862
Okay, we are
skipping the mixer.
368
00:15:45,931 --> 00:15:47,448
If this is our
last night together,
369
00:15:47,517 --> 00:15:49,793
we are going to someplace
where friendships blossom,
370
00:15:49,862 --> 00:15:52,965
memories are made, and the
potato skins are always crisp.
371
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:56,068
all: Houlibee's!
372
00:15:56,137 --> 00:15:59,000
[aggressive hip-hop music]
373
00:15:59,068 --> 00:16:03,068
[all yelling]
374
00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:05,137
all chanting:
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
375
00:16:05,206 --> 00:16:08,482
[cheering]
376
00:16:10,172 --> 00:16:13,344
[laughter]
377
00:16:16,586 --> 00:16:17,689
[all yelling]
378
00:16:17,758 --> 00:16:20,586
- Okay, okay, stop!
Get off me!
379
00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:22,482
[all yelling]
380
00:16:22,551 --> 00:16:25,620
- Get off my foot!
- Okay, enough, enough, enough!
381
00:16:25,689 --> 00:16:27,586
- ♪ Get out the way,
let me do my thing ♪
382
00:16:27,655 --> 00:16:29,517
♪ Out the way,
let me do my thing ♪
383
00:16:29,586 --> 00:16:32,448
♪ I said, [scatting] you,
let me do my thing ♪
384
00:16:32,517 --> 00:16:34,586
♪ Let me do,
let me do my thing ♪
385
00:16:34,655 --> 00:16:37,689
[all screaming]
386
00:16:39,896 --> 00:16:41,827
[laughter]
387
00:16:41,896 --> 00:16:43,931
- Would it kill you bitches
to wait up?
388
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,241
I'm streaking for two here.
389
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:50,931
- My dudes, this has been
a truly amazing night.
390
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:54,137
And we did it in the most
American way possible.
391
00:16:54,206 --> 00:16:56,000
By getting wasted
at a chain restaurant.
392
00:16:56,068 --> 00:16:57,482
[all laugh]
393
00:16:57,551 --> 00:17:01,206
- What an epic goodbye
to this glorious country.
394
00:17:01,275 --> 00:17:03,413
- Oh, I can't believe
you're leaving.
395
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:05,172
- Fillmore's not going to be
the same without you, man.
396
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,000
- Aw, I'm going
to miss you guys.
397
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:10,965
And Toby, and Mavis, and--
- Okay, seriously?
398
00:17:11,034 --> 00:17:12,482
How does everyone
know that woman?
399
00:17:12,551 --> 00:17:14,689
- Oh, did everyone
bring something to remember
400
00:17:14,758 --> 00:17:16,551
Feldman by
for the time capsule?
401
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:19,206
- I brought these,
in honor of that time
402
00:17:19,275 --> 00:17:22,103
you made the Chicago skyline
out of tater tots.
403
00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:24,103
- And I brought cheese puffs,
in honor of how
404
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:25,517
I'd always know
you'd been somewhere
405
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,172
from the orange fingerprints.
406
00:17:27,241 --> 00:17:29,551
- I brought
chocolate covered peanuts,
407
00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:32,344
from the time you tried to
get them listed as a protein
408
00:17:32,413 --> 00:17:34,275
on the cafeteria menu.
409
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,724
- I brought a hot dog
in honor of the time
410
00:17:36,793 --> 00:17:39,413
you challenged the fourth grade
class to an eating competition.
411
00:17:39,482 --> 00:17:42,172
- And I brought Ho-Hos
in honor of that time
412
00:17:42,241 --> 00:17:44,172
you caught me getting shrimped
by Sam the janitor.
413
00:17:44,241 --> 00:17:46,931
[all laugh]
414
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,965
- Aw, I'm going to miss
you dudes so frigging much.
415
00:17:50,034 --> 00:17:53,655
[all aww]
416
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,344
[all sigh]
417
00:17:55,413 --> 00:17:57,862
- We will bury
this time capsule,
418
00:17:57,931 --> 00:18:02,310
and in twenty years, we'll come
back and dig it up together.
419
00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:04,448
[all giggle]
420
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,689
[soft musical flourish]
421
00:18:07,758 --> 00:18:09,137
- I'm out of here.
422
00:18:09,206 --> 00:18:10,862
Ever since
you people showed up,
423
00:18:10,931 --> 00:18:12,862
this neighborhood's
gone to hell!
424
00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:16,931
- Stop jerking off
to my dead cat, you freak!
425
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,931
[soft music]
426
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,965
- Mary-Louise, get off me.
427
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:25,379
Oh, your pleated pants
feel like a boner.
428
00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:31,896
♪ ♪
429
00:18:31,965 --> 00:18:33,931
- Where's Feldman?
430
00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:40,103
- Wow.
431
00:18:40,172 --> 00:18:42,172
She's really gone.
432
00:18:43,827 --> 00:18:46,758
[chimes twinkle]
433
00:18:46,827 --> 00:18:52,241
♪ ♪
434
00:18:52,310 --> 00:18:55,275
- Good morning, ladies.
Care Bear.
435
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:56,551
- What are you doing here?
436
00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:58,379
- I'm here for a meeting
with Brent.
437
00:18:58,448 --> 00:19:01,827
I'm taking over as
Ms. Feldman's long-term sub.
438
00:19:01,896 --> 00:19:04,000
- What?
- I haven't been able to find
439
00:19:04,068 --> 00:19:06,724
an administrator's position,
and this way,
440
00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:09,517
I can help a certain someone
with their bills.
441
00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:13,586
- It's a temporary financial
hold, okay, everybody?
442
00:19:13,655 --> 00:19:15,965
[engine revs]
[horn honks]
443
00:19:16,034 --> 00:19:19,793
- Hey, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, hey!
444
00:19:19,862 --> 00:19:21,793
That's my car!
445
00:19:21,862 --> 00:19:26,344
- Ding dong, bitch.
Ding dong!
446
00:19:27,206 --> 00:19:30,172
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
447
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:32,896
Hey, hey, Memphis!
448
00:19:34,931 --> 00:19:37,931
[calming music]
449
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,000
- Sorry, bitches,
I could not wait 20 years
450
00:19:41,068 --> 00:19:43,000
for these sweet-ass tots.
451
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:44,862
- This is the final
boarding call
452
00:19:44,931 --> 00:19:48,862
for flight 815 to Amsterdam.
All remaining passengers
453
00:19:48,931 --> 00:19:51,724
please make you way
to the gate at this time.
454
00:19:51,793 --> 00:19:58,827
♪ ♪
455
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,862
[rock music]
456
00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:15,137
♪ ♪
457
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,206
[snoring]
33611
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