All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S01E04 - Spring Fever

It's no good.

I've not got the knack.

Why is tha's a better
colour than mine?

I'm not talking to you about washing!

Well, he only asked, Mrs Batty.

Yes and he only does it so he
can talk about my knickers!

He's got no shame. I'd dry them
inside, but you never know when that
insurance man's going to come.

I don't believe it! Have you
ever seen him lift a brush before?

Only to the rent man!

He's going funny.
I knew it'd happen,

him living all alone.
He wants home help.

He's had one.

He got her drunk on Milk Stout.

Never dared send him one since.

This is no job for a man,
you need a woman about the place.

Leave thy husband.

I'll teach you
my horse-racing system,
I'll take all my bottles back.

I know tha's married, but it's
not as if tha likes each other.

Oh, I miss a woman's touch!

You won't in a minute!
I'll give you a swipe round
th'earhole if you come closer!

Right, you've had your chance,
Nora Batty.

I could have brought a little
something into your drab life,
a little bit of magic.

Like... my washing.

Oh, no! Look, it's black!

It was my father's, this watch.

Never mind that, look at the time.

Railway company gave it to him,
LNER. He's late, isn't he?

He got this and a handshake
from the district superintendent.

Fellow with bad breath
called Hibertson.

Never been as late as this, has he?

Funny name for bad breath,
Hibertson.

Do stop regarding it frivolously,
this could be serious!

It is serious.

There's nothing more serious
than a railway-steel watch,
especially before the war.

It came to me when he died.

I gave his waistcoat
with the sleeves
to their Ernest for his motorbike.

All the same, I think
we ought to look into it.

In the name of humanity, we can't
ignore the scruffy little twit.

I'll say this for you, Cyril,
you never flinch from poking your
nose into other people's affairs.

From the highest possible motives.
Suppose he's just lying there?

How will it reflect
on us at the inquest
if he's been dead for three weeks?

We only left him last night.
Stuffing his face with fish,
chips and mushy peas.

You know what I mean.
I know what you mean -

he's been acting a bit funny lately
and you're straining your braces
to find out what he's been up to.

Well, I admit, I am curious.

Some might even say peculiar.

All very well sitting there all smug
nursing your father's heirloom,
but wouldn't you like to know?

I do know. What?

It's obvious.
Happens every year about this time.

You know, you might condescend
to confide in me some time.

I'm as interested as you in what's
happened to the grimy little Herbert.

It's spring, Cyril.

Compo's feeling the spring.

Do you mean his...?
Sap's rising. Yes.

Well! The evil little monkey.

Come on, let's go
and get him out in the fresh air.

That's the first time
I've seen his naked elbows.

You've seen them through
the holes in his garments.

Aye, brief, tantalising glimpses,
but never wild and free like this.

They are not unlike
the Emperor Hirohito's.

With respect, Clegg, what do you
know about the Emperor's elbows?

Just that they're halfway up his
sleeve, the same as anybody else's.

Hey up!

Hey, you daft Mary,
creeping up on folk like that!

If there's one thing
I thought we could rely on,
it's you being grimy and repulsive.

And here you are, behind our backs,
being furtively hygienic.

I'm only cleaning a window!

Batty's pigeons. She feeds them
on that rubbishy corn.
It snows here twice a day.

If Nora Batty were my wife
I wouldn't waste my time

putting rubber bicycle clips
on diarrhoea-ridden pigeons!

Hey, look at him.
When you see movements like that,

you're dealing with
a guilty conscience.

What's tha on about,
"guilty conscience?"

I've seen it all before,
like at school, when you were
caught with Teresa Monahue.

That were Charlie Alroyd.

What, in that cheeky little gymslip?
It never was!

It's a right double life,
you're leading, isn't it?

Don't thee start! You think you
know somebody and all these years
he's been a secret cleaner!

We've caught you with the mask off
now, haven't we?

Nobody asked either of
tha to come snooping. Nosy!

That's what you get for being
a Good Samaritan, you see,
told to mind your own business.

Good Samaritan, thee?
Ex-milk monitor?

"How dare you interfere with
that victim lying in the gutter?"
That's the attitude these days.

They'll defend every man's right
to be lying bleeding in the gutter.

Well, I'm not lying in the bleeding
gutter, so get back to the library!

Hey, he's not only been cleaning
those windows, he's been
beating this carpet an' all.

It's not a crime, is it?
He's busy, isn't he?

Yes, I'm just having
a quick flick through.

I've told you,
it's been coming on for a week.

You can always tell
when he starts doodling flowers
on his betting slips.

Sweet peas and wood anemones.

Get stuffed, the pair of you!

You know his trouble?

Doesn't get enough fresh air,
and his dart's unbalanced, too.

You know, you want more fresh fruit.

I want to be left alone,
that's what I want.

And we all know why, don't we?

So you can make a fool of
yourself in front of some
unbelievable, unseemly female.

Don't be harsh, he liked her
that worked for McAlpine.

She didn't work for McAlpine.

She had it writ in large letters
all over her donkey jacket!

That were a gift from
the Irish hooligan that
worked on the bulldozer.

Rubbish! With her on the payroll,
what would they need a bulldozer for?

You're treading on
sensitive ground, Cyril.

Theirs was an impulsive,
madcap affair,

destined to end the minute
she took off with that
plastic barometer he won at bingo.

She said it were
going to be changeable.

Here, I'm not keeping you
in smokes so you can
go out with funny women.

They weren't all funny.
That's very true.

Who was that sweet little thing
with the voice that could open
cans of beer?

Who's tha on about?

Her that bit your ferrets?

Ah, tha means Eunice.

You came across her in the bar.

That's right, under one
of them long benches.

She used to get me into fights.

I don't know why
you don't pack it in!

Well, it's summat you have to do.

It's like my cousin Vince -
he went off to Australia.

How do you explain it?

You don't explain it, he'd gone
before they could serve the warrant.

Australians look a bit like ferrets.
Aye, they do.

It's the sun, you know.

Does away with
all the nutrients in the skin.

What a load of cobblers!

Let's go and buy him a drink,
get him in a better mood.

Aye, come on.

That's what you miss,
the companionship.

I'm going home! It's early yet.

I've had enough.
I'm going home, get a bite to eat
and watch a bit of telly.

May your batteries never go flat.

♪ Love is a many splendored thing

♪ It's the April rose that only
grows in the early spring... ♪

They say if you stand on the top of
you can see Manchester.

That's the way of things, Cyril,
always a snag.

I wonder if these nylon socks
are good for your feet.

I see the Lauderdales have
still got that barrel organ.

They're supposed to be doing it up.

I wonder if the nylon lets
them breathe. Is he any good?

I wouldn't want him
round my barrel organ.

Delusions of grandeur,
quite out of his depth.

Got everything out of proportion when
he mended their Giddy's Lambretta.

I always liked their Sammy best.

I can't say I knew him.

Nice little fellow. It was very sad.

What happened? He had to
go and live in Peterborough.

They've no discretion, have they,
flies? They leap in with both feet.

Come on out, you guzzling article!
Look at it.

It's going to have a right
flaming head in the morning!

No doubt secreted
half a million repulsive organisms
in your light ale.

And we think life's
dangerous for us.

How do you think that
saturated little pillock feels?

What's his daily round then?

Fancy having to leap into existence

No wonder he's in
a rush to get stoned.

We used to have them,
four inches long, crawling around
the cook house in the Far East.

They used to get into your cocoa.

There's to be hope
there is something somewhere
keeping an eye on little things.

We were always keeping a damn good
eye on little things, I assure you.

As a general rule they tended to
avoid anything with currants in it.

Out there, you could never be sure
that an Eccles cake
would lie gently and be eaten.

Very disconcerting
when you see the fourth raisin from
the right get up and walk away.

Still, at least they've got wings.

A few simple modifications to your
vest, careful how you adjust your
braces and you're off - airborne.

Everywhere's a short cut. Then you
realise there's no long way round.

The place was crawling with them.

Never had any trouble with
my feet, though, despite the heat.

Just a slight rash
under my webbing, that's all.

Under your webbing?
Sounds like a duck's disease.

We were wearing wool, you see.
Natural fibre.

For sheep it's natural fibre.

Get down to brass tacks,
all that we can call natural is skin

There's every chance
we are descended from the banana.

Lets the feet breathe.

No, our main problem was parasites.

But we can all get used to parasites
who shall be nameless.

Where is the tatty Herbert?

He should be back by now.

Oh dear, I'm smoking too heavy.

When he's around, he cadges
two out of every three.

Do you think
I want to shorten my life?

At this rate,
I shall be dead before I'm 112.

He'll come back when he's ready,
his whiskers bent and his fur torn.

He should be outdoors
instead of inside
watching them Continental films.

It's really none of our
business, Cyril, which always
makes it the more attractive.

So let's dump this stuff and go and
see what the hell he's been up to.

Hey, all the jam jars have gone.

Has he moved his ferrets?

They're not on the table.
Oh dear, do you think it's serious?

If he's started neglecting
his ferrets, there's
no knowing where it will end.

He's not in, he's gone.

Good morning, madam, I wonder if
you could possibly tell us where?

I could tell you
all sorts about him.

Come on, Mrs Batty,
he's a fan of yours.

I know what he's a fan of.

He speaks very highly of you,
Mrs Batty, as Mr Blamire here
will confirm. Very highly, madam.

You're his ideal of womanhood.

You're as daft as he is,
Norman Clegg.

He refers constantly
to your matchless flaky pastry
and your sharp tongue.

What about your Edie
for a sharp tongue?

Superb in her day,

but very much quieter
since she's been dead, God rest her.

Leaving you at the top of
your field with the possible
exception of big Ivy at the caff.

Her? If it came to a slanging match,
I could soon sort her out.

She's got too much flesh on her
to be really mean.

Where's he gone, then?

Where does he always go?
Too far if he gets half the chance.

He's no respect
for the sanctity of marriage.

I bet her old man's
not got a lot left either.

I heard that!

You were dicing with death there,
weren't you?

You forget, Cyril, I've had years
of marital combat experience.

Hello!

I didn't get this suit from here.

I thought
I didn't recognise the material.

This is 30 Bob Tailors,
afore your time.

Manager had a bald head.

His daughter went for
a cookery teacher.

I thought I'd come in for a new one.

Well, how would you like it, sir?

Oh I don't care,
as long as I get it!

Sure.

You got the time, lad?

What is it now?

Can't you do something
without asking... What?

Pour him a cup of tea.

He hasn't asked for a cup of tea.

Do as I say, pour him one.

What do you think he wants?

He might want a coffee. Well,
he's never asked for coffee before!

He's never been dressed
like that before, either.

It's aftershave, does tha like it?

I do like it.
I keep telling him to get some on,
that big ugly devil there.

She forgets you've got to
face a dart team.

Yeah, he thinks he's irresistible,
smelling of chip fat.

Tha don't think I've gone
too far, like? Too far?

You look like a dressed-up haggis!

You've done right, love.
They could all do with
smartening up a bit round here.

He thinks he ought
to have an anaesthetic
before you remove his underwear.

For washing, that is.

He can't get it off quick enough
for messing about!

Has tha been following me?

It's something you will have to
get used to if you continue
wearing things like that.

Aye, how much do you have to
pay a week on that lot?

10 bob. Oh yes, and how are
you going to rake up the deposit?

Well, I had a treble come up,
six quid. It's nowt to do with thee.

Enough to keep you in the lap
of luxury for about 40 minutes.

And where's your ferrets?

Ah, tha's been snooping, I see.

They're all right.
They're in the outside lav.

By hell, that's irresponsible!

There could be
an appalling accident there.

They're all right,
they're wrapped up warm.

And have you got them in
Harry Lauder hats as well?

It's aftershave.

Ivy, give us two teas, love,
and something sticky for a bun.

Do you want a bun?

No, I've not got any appetite.

Not much taste, either.

And why didn't you go
to that 30 Bob Tailors?

I would have,
but there were that barney
over the suit I got married in.

You're not still paying on that?

Just the last two instalments,
that's all there were.

I kept up the payments until
she ran off with that flaming Pole

and I thought, "Right,
let that twit pay for it."

You've not been all that fortunate
in your choice of women, have you?

You haven't struck that celestial
note of harmony, as it were.

No, it's true.

She were all right
that worked in the crisp factory...

till they started flavouring
everything with cheese and onion.

But by and large, it's true.

But you still keep on trying.

Why should I go through life alone?

Because you are old,
ugly and repulsive.

I'm not all that old.

Besides, you got to keep trying.

Anyway, it keeps
my mind of Mrs Batty.

Cyril here manages to go through
life without the comfort of a woman.

I should think so!
Has tha seen his landlady?

She makes the finest
batter pudding, I'll have you know,
in this entire area!

I take this point, Cyril. Is it
enough for a lasting relationship?

I have been there 12 years.

Does tha believe in destiny?

Ah, now that's what
you learn in the Far East.

"And the moving finger writes,
and having writ, moves on."

I should think it would
move on after writing some of
that stuff on the bus shelter.

Perhaps is my destiny
to end up with a woman.

You need someone.

It's not only the physical side...

Fetching her coal in, you mean.

You know what I mean!

You need somebody there,

to shout at you.

Hey, take mine. Hey!

You don't know when you're well-off.

What time
do them Bradford buses run?

On the half-hour. Well,
maybe she will be on the next one.

Can I borrow your hanky?

I advertised for
this housekeeper, you see.

If we get on,
you know, we hit it off,

well, I might not be around as much.

Oh dear, I can just picture
the domestic scene -

arm-in-arm they saunter
into the setting sun,

pursued only by debt collectors
and a pair of chattering ferrets!

Do you know anything
about this woman?

I don't want to.

That's part of the magic,
isn't it, finding out?

Romance is a lottery.

If you want to gamble,
stick to horses.

He does, take a look at his women!

Bloody romantic, this is(!)
4.10 in the afternoon.

Well, I don't what else
we can do till bedtime.

With tha bare hands?

They all left me a bit of summat.

I bet they couldn't wait,
could they?

It's more than you'd do.

You've no assets.

I've got my magnetic personality.

You're a wastrel!

There's that an' all.

There'd be no security wi' you.
Tha'd have a roof over tha head.

It leaks!

Not all over.

It wants another cup of tea.

Are you getting anywhere?
Well, I'm getting splashed a bit.

Looks like you've got
one of nature's hearty eaters there.

Come on, Sid, what does thou reckon?

How does it look to thee?

Hungry.

Aye, I know that.

Well, I know it's not new, like,

but I've seen worse.

Only with thee.

That's what I mean.

I've HAD worse.

You've had pneumonia, but you don't
want to go steady with it, do you?

Come on, it's not all that bad,
from some angles.

Eh?

It's no good asking my opinion. I
mean, you've seen my judgment in...

How many sugar?

Six. Six?

She should have some energy, anyway!

Here. Put it down, then.

Look, that were taken
of me at Maplethorpe.

Urgh!

Get... Pleuch!

Look, it's no use
coming to me for security.

Unless tha's ready for a mad,
irresponsible escapade,

tha'd better get off now.

Don't worry, I shall.

Look, there's some blokes
you can settle down with

and there's other blokes like me
that you come to
for thrills and excitement.

You and Errol Flynn!

Have you got owt in the Post Office?

I just bought you a plate of
mushy peas, what more do you want?

No insurance? I don't believe in it.

What do you believe in, then?

I believe that under all that
mad chatter, tha's a real sexpot.

Well, where are you taking me?
You promised me a night out,
didn't you?

You've had it, this is it.

You must be joking!

You don't think
you're sweeping me off my feet
with just one plate of mushy peas?

Come on! Let's go.

Where to? It's your town,
swinger, lead the way!

Hello, my little passion flower.

She's not got your washing out,
I see.

She don't look
much of a washer to me.

I shouldn't need anybody if
you'd co-operate occasionally,

melted a bit sometimes, let me run
my fingers through your curlers.

Hey, she went off!

She took all my new stuff wi' her.

There you are, you see -
every cloud has a silver lining.

Don't jump!

Your left hand oar.
Your left hand oar!

Starboard, do you mind?

Tha's going around in circles!

Hark who's bloody talking!

Here, grab this. Me arm's
fixed to my shoulder, you know?

Don't stand on that!
It makes you wonder

how they get big ships through
small holes. Here, grab it.

He'll have us in!

Shut your face!

Look lively! Get it in!

Get off! Come here!

I've got to get over there.

There we are. You'll have me over.

Hey up!

She's buried three husbands.

Were they all dead?

She were a brandy drinker.

I thought I'd get her drunk
and have my way with her.

You disgusting creature!
What happened?

She had to carry me home.

Then this morning she went off with
all my clobber.

It's not funny!

It's hilarious, you dozy clown!