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1
00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:05,740
Oh. He's late again. I knew it -
2
00:00:05,740 --> 00:00:08,980
he's not only unsavoury,
he's unpunctual as well.
3
00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:10,580
It's a bit early for Compo.
4
00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:14,260
He's not had the practice of getting
off to work like we used to have.
5
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,820
Oh, there you are! Ah, come on in.
6
00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:21,380
I can't stand people who prat about
the crack of early morning thingy.
7
00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:22,820
I won't be a minute.
8
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:28,380
You'd think he'd unglue himself
from his tattered blankets
on an occasion like this.
9
00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:33,420
Especially since it's
his relative who's picking us up.
Who's also late, you'll notice.
10
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:37,500
Oh, stop looking at your watch. I'll
bet he's another shifty Simmonite.
11
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:41,700
I'll bet you'd be a misery
if you had to hire out rowing boats.
12
00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:48,380
Phwoar! They're all the same,
his lot. Drain on the economy.
13
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:52,700
If ever you've been near his feet,
you'll know when I say "drain",
I mean "drain".
14
00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:57,180
He's all right.
There's a sort of luminous quality
to the seat of his trousers -
15
00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:59,460
and you must admit
he does wear a funny hat.
16
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:03,620
I think there's still
a place in this country
for people who wear funny hats.
17
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:05,780
And he's good when it comes to
cleaning me bike.
18
00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:10,020
When does he ever clean your bike?
He doesn't, but you can always
count on him for a bit of rag.
19
00:01:10,020 --> 00:01:13,260
Well, of course you can.
That's his suit!
20
00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:17,260
I only hope he'll smarten himself up
a bit this morning, that's all!
21
00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:20,360
I know it's a stately home,
but we're only visiting.
22
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,380
I knew it'd only inflame
your feudal tendencies.
23
00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:28,420
Well, they don't want any
scoffy peasant loping all over
their reduced circumstances.
24
00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:31,980
And I only hope that relative of his
has some manners as well.
25
00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:36,420
Being a member of his family
should be a notifiable
industrial disease.
26
00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:40,580
Put your sandwiches in here. It'll
give an executive air to the day.
27
00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,620
What have you brought, by the way?
28
00:01:42,620 --> 00:01:46,020
Cheese. Oh, really?
I've brought a little pate, myself.
29
00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:50,960
Cyril, you've a tendency to go
very Reader's Digest.
30
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,900
COMPO COUGHS HARSHLY
31
00:01:58,220 --> 00:02:01,460
Ah, there's no pleasure like
lying abed like it used to be
32
00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:03,220
when I was supposed to be at work.
33
00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:06,100
Just look at him!
He looks like cardboard in the rain.
34
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,500
Well, at least he's got up.
Yes, right up my nostrils.
35
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:14,260
Wellies are optional for stately
homes - you don't have to wear them.
36
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:17,420
I've cleaned 'em!
I walk through every puddle.
37
00:02:17,420 --> 00:02:19,460
On all fours, by the look of it.
38
00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:22,100
Couldn't you have got dressed up
just for once?!
39
00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:26,180
Well, you cheeky bat, I AM dressed.
What do you think this is?
40
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,620
Some sort of tourniquet, I imagine.
41
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:30,940
Well, I'll stand stuffy.
42
00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:32,620
I wouldn't recommend it.
43
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,380
Not till you've loosened this a bit.
44
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:37,580
You know, I think I liked you better
BEFORE you were purple.
45
00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,780
Yeah, well it's the last time
I get dressed up, duke or no duke.
46
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,540
I put this on special!
And at no small risk.
47
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,520
Because if this is round your neck,
48
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,260
what, we ask ourselves,
is holding your trousers up?
49
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,980
Hah! Somebody's clothesline.
Mrs Batty's.
50
00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:55,660
Sentimental value.
51
00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:59,380
Yeah, well I thought I'd wear it
next to me skin. Nice(!)
52
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,720
He's thieved it.
53
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,740
Well, she refused point-blank
to discuss her knicker elastic.
54
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,780
Well, nobody smokin', then?
BLAMIRE SIGHS
55
00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:14,860
Well, just because we're having
a day out, there's no need
to get niggly with the nicotine.
56
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:19,180
And he hasn't even shaved.
They dressed like that
for the French Revolution!
57
00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:22,520
If the duke's at home,
he'll think you're swarming him.
Not visiting him!
58
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,740
Well - I hope tha's brought
tha own sandwiches.
59
00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:27,820
These'll not go round.
60
00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:30,420
They'll not go round in public,
I hope!
61
00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,520
Here - put 'em in here
to keep 'em out of sight.
62
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,780
And don't you dare ask for them
when anybody's looking!
63
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:41,620
If all goes well,
you can rendezvous secretly
and pass them over in the gents.
64
00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:44,780
What have you got in 'ere?
Potted meat.
65
00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,380
Have you left it in the jar(?)
66
00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:49,020
Cyril's got pate.
67
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,780
Well, he should get to t'doctor's
instead of spreading it about.
68
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,220
I'll tell you who's not about -
your relative. Where is he, then?
69
00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,860
What, our Chip?
He'll be here when he's ready.
70
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:04,260
They've got kids to look after,
they ain't got all day
to ponce about like us.
71
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:08,780
Wife, kids and us three to pick up?
Must have a decent-sized car.
72
00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:13,180
Is it possible that one of his lot
should have given up the family
tradition of worthlessness?
73
00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:17,660
Been accidentally overexposed
to a broadcast on behalf of
the Conservative Party.
74
00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:19,740
I wonder if HE'LL bring pate.
75
00:04:19,740 --> 00:04:21,220
Aaah!
76
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:24,720
Ah, well. Come on! Let's go wait for
him down at t'caff. Aye, come on.
77
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,980
What with your feet, and them
ferrets... Ergh! Stretch me legs.
78
00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:32,940
I feel as though I've been
sleeping with them in a reef knot!
79
00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:38,740
Suppose we miss him altogether?
He'll know where to find us.
80
00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:41,540
I told him if we were late
we'd be in Sid's caff.
81
00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:44,080
Compose yourself, Cyril.
I haven't seen you like this
82
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,740
since you were approached
by that Jehovah's Witness.
83
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:49,280
I get them now and again.
I know, I've seen you scrattin'.
84
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,140
Jehovah's Witnesses! Oh...
85
00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:56,740
They don't bother.
It's about all I do get
calling at t'house these days.
86
00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,340
Them and that lot what keeps
coming and taking back me telly.
87
00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:05,420
I've no time to be
stood on the front doorstep
discussing biblical criticism.
88
00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:10,620
Especially with old hands
who are notoriously swift
with the Watchtower.
89
00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:13,540
What puzzles me
when I think about life,
90
00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:17,620
is where does all that fluff come
from that gathers in your navel?
91
00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:23,820
Don't just stand there like Hudson's
Bakery. Local bloody landmark(!)
92
00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:28,340
Are you going to shift
or do I have to go to t'council
for a bloody demolition order?
93
00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:33,620
Why don't you go to night school
instead and learn euthanasia, you
bloody thing? Oh, go on, get lost!
94
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,780
We're only half open.
95
00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:39,540
All right, give us
three half-cups of tea.
96
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,080
Sid...!
97
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,740
Here, keep your molars off.
Get away, I ain't had any breakfast!
Do you ever?
98
00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:48,100
Mmm. Sometimes I have
a bit o' dripping.
99
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:52,940
Would you believe it? 1973,
the age of the computer,
and he's still eating dripping.
100
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:54,880
Well, tha don't know
what tha's missing.
101
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,740
Gravy's a dying art.
102
00:05:56,740 --> 00:06:01,700
SID AND IVY BICKER
Some people ought to get
their mouths double-glazed!
103
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,900
You're early this morning,
you lot, aren't you?
104
00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:07,140
Aye, we're having a day out.
We're going to Upperdyke Hall.
105
00:06:07,140 --> 00:06:10,500
If somebody I know's relative
gets round to picking us up!
106
00:06:11,540 --> 00:06:15,080
Have tha got any dripping, Sid?
That went out with the Depression.
107
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,440
Nay - Sid went out
with the Depression.
Then he goes and marries it.
108
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,740
Huh. Tha's not far wrong, either!
109
00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:22,700
Wish I could get a day out
now and again.
110
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,580
Do you know, I never go out
on me own, me.
111
00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:27,680
Come on, Sid, don't exaggerate.
What about national service?
112
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,100
HORN TOOTS
113
00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:36,300
CHILDREN CHATTER, DOG BARKS
114
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:42,300
You've woken him up, Chip.
He shouldn't be, not with
all that swill inside him.
115
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,980
I could hear him sloshing every time
we went round the corner!
116
00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:47,380
He's just like his dad, a 14-pinter.
117
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,500
Who's a 14-pinter? Eh(?)
118
00:06:53,340 --> 00:06:55,420
Aye... They must be in the cafe.
119
00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:02,240
I've been meaning to talk to you,
our Connie,
about wearing longer dresses.
120
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,540
You'll go mad if I do.
121
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:07,300
All right, you lot, come on -
in the back. CHILD: Oh, no...
122
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,660
Come on. In you go.
Come on, budge up...
123
00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:13,100
Watch the dog! Come on. Right...
124
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:19,180
And how was they able to build
places like Upperdyke Hall?
By plundering poor folk like me!
125
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,260
You could plunder him all day long
and all you'd get was itchy.
126
00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:23,980
We were in a big house in the Army.
127
00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:26,500
Glasshouse(?)
No, it weren't like that at all.
128
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:30,300
It were like a castle. It had little
tiny windows and dark corners.
129
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,380
Oh! Barbara Castle.
130
00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:36,100
BLAMIRE LAUGHS
Oh, we had to guard it.
131
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,500
That must have been a sight.
You on t'battlements.
132
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,859
It were t'training centre
for Army typists.
133
00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:45,460
By 'ell! You were there, weren't you?
134
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,900
Army typists(!)
135
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:51,940
You old warhorse. Do your ears
still twitch at the sound
of the massed Olivettis(?)
136
00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:55,060
Well, I didn't ask to be posted
there. I wanted to be near me mate.
137
00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:57,540
Where'd he got to?
Hospital, he had deformed feet.
138
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:03,300
What a war record. Fancy pitting that
against the master race!
139
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,500
Well, we won, didn't we?
No thanks to you!
140
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:08,980
Be fair, Cyril. Maybe his mate was
the brains behind the second front.
141
00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:13,100
Maybe he was sitting up in bed
plotting strategy...
scratching his deformed feet.
142
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,660
Oh, but he had a good thing
going with black market petrol.
143
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,900
He used to buy it off the Yanks,
then flog it to this vicar
144
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,540
who was trying to combat sin
145
00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,300
within the regions of
the American Airfields,
146
00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,440
and he didn't know how to
cope with it on his bicycle.
147
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,640
Lucky for you you didn't come
face to face with the enemy.
148
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,460
We had some Gerry prisoners
billeted near the big house.
149
00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,260
'Ello, close combat stories now, eh?
150
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:40,740
One of 'em built me a crucifix out
of a bullet. They were all right.
151
00:08:40,740 --> 00:08:43,540
They were better than our sergeant,
I'll tell ya that.
152
00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:45,040
Where was he from?
153
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,500
Wales. Oh, well.
154
00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:51,180
I give it to a bird in the village,
but it were no good,
155
00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:52,980
it didn't get me anywhere.
156
00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:56,740
You know, they were getting
too much stuff off the Yanks.
157
00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:59,740
If it didn't have a flamin'
oil well or a ranch,
158
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,860
it didn't stand a chance at all.
159
00:09:01,860 --> 00:09:05,300
So we had to go back to Lucy,
she were our corporal cook.
160
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,300
She had blood all down her apron.
161
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:11,140
And you wouldn't imagine the things
she could do with a whistle.
162
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:15,860
Hello! Hello, Chip, 'ow are ya?
You all right?
163
00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,340
Don't go out just yet,
she's changing a nappy,
164
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,740
it's a terrifying sight.
165
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:23,100
How's the family then, all right?
Aye, multiplying.
166
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,400
Dad, can I have some
ice cream for t'dog?
167
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,660
No, you can't. Go out.
Get back in the van.
168
00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:32,700
Van? I didn't get a right look at
'im, but I think he were one of
ours, they usually are!
169
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,660
Oh, great. Dripping!
170
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:38,100
That's our Chip.
171
00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:44,140
All right, come on, you lot.
172
00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,820
Hurry up and get in.
Come on, you lot.
173
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,940
Come on. Watch me feet!
174
00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:50,660
All right, gentlemen?
175
00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:52,820
DOG BARKS
176
00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:56,220
Mind that dog, he eats clothes.
I'm not kidding, corduroy even!
177
00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:01,220
He's supposed to eat rabbits, but
no chance. Not unless he finds one
in a tracksuit. Mind the doors!
178
00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,060
He's a lovely boy.
179
00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:08,420
We've got none, you know.
All I can do is mother 'im.
180
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:10,940
You can have one of ours,
we've got a van full.
181
00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,860
He's nowt but a big kid himself.
They're all alike, love.
182
00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:17,740
Say goodbye to your Auntie Ivy.
Ta-ta!
183
00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:24,140
If I had my way,
we'd all be sterilised. Ha!
184
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,820
Let's go, come on!
185
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,219
Stop 'em, Chip, they'll fall in.
186
00:11:14,219 --> 00:11:18,800
They won't fall in. I've 'ad 'em
playing on the roof and everything,
187
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,940
Hey, you kids,
don't go too near the water.
188
00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:25,000
I bet he hasn't even got a licence
for it. What, for biting her ear?
189
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,400
Road fund licence. I told you.
190
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,820
It's expired.
191
00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:31,000
Well, I expect it slipped his mind.
192
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,780
Since 1967?
193
00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:37,900
There's a good dog, Abbey.
194
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,220
Of course, this would be completely
outside my experience
195
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:22,460
had I not once been inside the area
offices of the National Pool Board.
196
00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:26,100
Can you feel the sense of history?
It's marvellous.
197
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,260
I bet they got mice.
198
00:12:36,414 --> 00:12:37,934
That is a Constable.
199
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:40,294
It must be CID in that outfit.
200
00:12:41,814 --> 00:12:43,414
Unless it's a police woman.
201
00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:47,214
I knew a police woman sergeant in
Huddersfield wi' a face like that.
202
00:12:47,214 --> 00:12:51,014
A painting by Constable,
you tatty 'erbert.
203
00:12:51,014 --> 00:12:53,294
She threw me out of a boozer.
204
00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:56,394
You've had an interesting life.
205
00:12:56,394 --> 00:12:59,694
Yes, he has. Never wasted
any of it on work, did he?
206
00:13:08,174 --> 00:13:11,214
They call her Muriel.
Who told you that?
207
00:13:11,214 --> 00:13:14,174
She did. This police woman sergeant.
208
00:13:14,174 --> 00:13:19,574
She was sat outside this boozer and
209
00:13:19,574 --> 00:13:22,154
Rubbish! He's talking rubbish.
210
00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:24,094
She fancied you. I think she did.
211
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:29,974
Out of all them fellas in the pub,
it was you that she selected to toss
out on the pavement. I thought it!
212
00:13:29,974 --> 00:13:35,254
Compo's going to be here all night,
213
00:13:36,854 --> 00:13:39,014
Do you know,
I'd never have though of that.
214
00:13:39,014 --> 00:13:41,814
It just come to me.
He's a bigger liar than...
215
00:13:41,814 --> 00:13:44,494
No, no, no.
It's a very touching little story.
216
00:13:44,494 --> 00:13:45,974
He was touched all right.
217
00:13:45,974 --> 00:13:49,654
I've seen him flapping his arms, and
trying to fly off the wash house.
218
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:53,814
Shows grit. Scientific curiosity.
Shows grit all right, a face full.
219
00:13:53,814 --> 00:13:58,214
Well, I had hole in me jersey.
You've always had
hole in your jersey.
220
00:13:58,214 --> 00:14:00,814
On a dewy morning,
it looked like a spider's web.
221
00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:02,174
COMPO GROANS
222
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,014
There was a time when
I had the scientific curiosity.
223
00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:07,054
During old Fosdyke's lessons.
224
00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:10,894
I was very impressed by
the behaviour of iron filings.
225
00:14:10,894 --> 00:14:13,854
All them invisible patterns
in the air.
226
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,654
It makes you think. Maybe the
Almighty's got a plan, after all.
227
00:14:17,654 --> 00:14:22,154
Or is he just passing the time
embroidering his doily?
228
00:15:02,094 --> 00:15:04,374
Wehay!
229
00:15:22,654 --> 00:15:24,514
DISTANT VOICES
230
00:15:26,574 --> 00:15:29,514
HE SPLUTTERS
231
00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:31,734
COMPO COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
232
00:15:31,734 --> 00:15:33,774
Ugh! You two.
233
00:15:37,374 --> 00:15:39,774
In years to come,
archaeologists round here
234
00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:43,334
may discover traces
of a culture based upon greyhounds
235
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:48,334
and extra-marital sex.
The aristocracy certainly
know how to live.
236
00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:52,174
Every stupid pillock knows
how to live, you just
keep breathing in and out.
237
00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:56,534
You know it's just a habit.
You could break it if you tried.
238
00:15:56,534 --> 00:16:00,134
I was referring to style,
you evil goblin.
239
00:16:00,134 --> 00:16:03,614
Here! That's where I've seen him,
squatting on toadstools,
240
00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:06,934
being unpleasant to fairies.
There it is.
241
00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:09,734
Style, refinement, culture.
242
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:13,214
What he means is they all used to
loll about in their golden wellies.
243
00:16:13,214 --> 00:16:15,454
All I needs is money.
244
00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:19,974
Never. You're not telling me
that if you had money, you could
producea place like this?
245
00:16:19,974 --> 00:16:22,214
I'd be satisfied if he bought
his own fags!
246
00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:26,014
It's easy, you just pick up a phone
and order a palace.
247
00:16:26,014 --> 00:16:28,574
Hey, that'd fetch Mrs Batty running,
eh?
248
00:16:28,574 --> 00:16:31,534
I wouldn't want it like this any
road.
249
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:35,134
I'd have some right pigeon pictures
250
00:16:35,134 --> 00:16:38,374
You can see it, can't you?
A betting shop in cinemascope.
251
00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:41,454
The only bloke in England with
ferrets on his crest.
252
00:16:41,454 --> 00:16:47,334
Yes, I should clap me hands
and order Mrs Batty to be brought
before my golden throne.
253
00:16:47,334 --> 00:16:50,254
I'd give her a whole wing.
254
00:16:50,254 --> 00:16:53,854
I give you three guesses who'd get
parson's nose.
255
00:16:53,854 --> 00:16:57,054
Aye, she'd be after me then would
Mrs Batty, eh?
256
00:16:57,054 --> 00:17:01,054
I'd put it to her straight, as soon
as she finished curtseying,
257
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:04,414
I'd say, "Righto, Nora, come on,
let's be knowing."
258
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:07,914
How much do I owe you for
this clothes line? Get off.
259
00:17:07,914 --> 00:17:13,534
Wrong century, that's my problem,
you see, born too late
for the age of elegance.
260
00:17:27,674 --> 00:17:29,554
LOUD BELCH
261
00:17:29,554 --> 00:17:32,874
Uh-oh, certain rumblings
in the catering trade.
262
00:17:32,874 --> 00:17:36,954
The dog won't bite, but if you're
feeding the kids watch your fingers,
263
00:17:36,954 --> 00:17:40,194
especially this one, he's got teeth
like his mother.
264
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,194
Look! She can't keep her hands
off me.
265
00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:45,594
Aye, we're all sexpots us simonites.
266
00:17:45,594 --> 00:17:47,274
We know, look at your Albert.
267
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:50,374
Aye, well, that were a mistake.
He thought he knew her.
268
00:17:50,374 --> 00:17:52,874
Well, couldn't he shake hands
like anybody else?
269
00:17:52,874 --> 00:17:56,514
Kids, off you go and play. Shaun,
take the baby for a walk.
270
00:17:56,514 --> 00:18:00,374
Come on, then. Give him some grass.
Don't go near the water now.
271
00:18:00,374 --> 00:18:03,074
You stay with your uncle.
Come on, lad.
272
00:18:03,394 --> 00:18:06,794
Ah, here, there you are, Julian,
273
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:12,434
there you see your first man eating
pate, that's potted meat for Tories.
274
00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:19,074
She breeds like a duck, but she's
kept her figure, hey?
I should have kept it away from you.
275
00:18:19,074 --> 00:18:23,594
I can't stand fellas who
obliterate the ends of paragraphs
with HP Sauce.
276
00:18:23,594 --> 00:18:26,074
Have you finished here then you lot?
277
00:18:26,074 --> 00:18:28,834
Well, we have if you're going to get
violent.
278
00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:31,034
Well, take your mucky mess with you.
279
00:18:31,034 --> 00:18:34,434
She'd make a right bouncer that one.
Must be the duchess.
280
00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:38,234
Hey, duchess! Don't forget,
he's with us, tha knows.
281
00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:41,774
I shall deny it whoever you are.
282
00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:47,314
Where's the father?
He ought to be doing this.
283
00:18:47,314 --> 00:18:49,274
They've gone off on their own.
284
00:18:49,274 --> 00:18:51,714
They don't get much time on
their own.
285
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,314
They get quite enough
by the look of this lot.
286
00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:58,274
Julian, wipe you hand! Not on
my coat, there's a good lad.
287
00:18:58,274 --> 00:19:00,934
Use your hankie. Oh, not on there!
288
00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:05,634
Oh my god! Shut up whittling, Cyril.
Hold the water.
289
00:19:09,034 --> 00:19:12,374
CHILD WHINES
What did you say?
290
00:19:12,374 --> 00:19:15,434
Oh, now he wants to be picked up.
291
00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:20,194
Well, pick him up, there's plenty
of places you can use for handle.
292
00:19:20,194 --> 00:19:22,434
Come on then, hey up.
293
00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:26,974
Oh dear, how can he be hungry
after eating all that lot.
294
00:19:26,974 --> 00:19:29,234
How's the baby?
295
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:34,474
Seems nice enough. But I think
they're more attractive
when they've got all their fur.
296
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,974
This is no way to see a stately home.
297
00:19:36,974 --> 00:19:41,034
He's eating again, I don't know
where he puts it.
298
00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:43,874
I can tell you where he puts it,
all down my trouser leg.
299
00:19:43,874 --> 00:19:47,234
They're completely out of control
these children.
300
00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:50,394
Oh, and they get a piece of string
and put it on the dog.
301
00:19:50,394 --> 00:19:53,514
Skin's funny stuff when you think
about it.
302
00:19:53,514 --> 00:19:58,074
We started off like animals,
but we're going to finish off
more like fruit.
303
00:19:58,074 --> 00:20:03,434
In summary, there is a set of six
stairs of Chippendale pattern.
304
00:20:03,434 --> 00:20:07,354
Closely following the pattern in
the cabinet maker's own book,
305
00:20:07,354 --> 00:20:10,474
The Director, published in 1754.
306
00:20:11,074 --> 00:20:16,754
The earlier periods of oak and
walnut are represented by
a fine set of six Dutch chairs.
307
00:20:16,754 --> 00:20:18,154
Come on. Just a moment.
308
00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:22,274
Let me remind you of Olly Aspinall,
to improve himself,
309
00:20:22,274 --> 00:20:25,354
and finally became a first class
prat. Shh.
310
00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:31,394
This staircase gives onto the
family's own private quarters
311
00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:32,634
whilst in residence.
312
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,034
The present Earl is a man of wide
cultural and sporting interests,
313
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:38,674
and, er...
RUSTLING
314
00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:43,434
Ah-ha. One moment. Just a moment,
your lordship, I have the keys.
315
00:20:48,354 --> 00:20:50,154
Just one moment, your lordship.
316
00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,674
Shan't keep you a moment,
your lordship.
317
00:20:55,674 --> 00:20:57,794
It's...it's these keys.
318
00:20:57,794 --> 00:21:01,794
I keep telling them it's obvious
they ought to be marked.
319
00:21:02,874 --> 00:21:04,874
But we don't always get
the same set.
320
00:21:04,874 --> 00:21:07,834
Our housekeeper gets
her fingers in them.
321
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:10,754
I'm coming as fast as I can,
your lordship.
322
00:21:10,754 --> 00:21:13,034
She thinks she owns the place.
323
00:21:13,034 --> 00:21:16,994
Gets away with it because
certain parties fancy her.
324
00:21:16,994 --> 00:21:20,234
And you should see
where she's allowed to park.
325
00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:25,154
We've got to leave our cars where
the great snorting British public
326
00:21:25,154 --> 00:21:26,434
can swarm all over 'em.
327
00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:29,794
Ah! Ah.
328
00:21:29,794 --> 00:21:32,634
Will you move back please,
just move back a little bit.
329
00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:36,274
Give us a little bit of elbow room,
come on. Get back there, that's it.
330
00:21:43,154 --> 00:21:46,534
I should fetch a shovel, old lad,
he's crapped all over t'carpet.
331
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,074
No idea how to behave
on Ducal premises!
332
00:21:55,074 --> 00:21:56,554
Come on, at the double.
333
00:21:56,554 --> 00:22:00,594
Oh, give over! No idea.
334
00:22:03,034 --> 00:22:04,954
Oh, they're coming.
335
00:22:04,954 --> 00:22:07,034
Hello. How are you?
336
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:10,394
I'm not going in there. Come on!
337
00:22:10,394 --> 00:22:12,154
Here you are, lad, take care of dog.
338
00:22:14,314 --> 00:22:17,894
What would a lass like you do
for another barley wine? Nothing.
339
00:22:17,894 --> 00:22:20,714
Now, think twice before
you make a decision like that.
340
00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:23,034
It's too important
for snap judgments.
341
00:22:23,034 --> 00:22:24,354
Well, it's been a change.
342
00:22:24,354 --> 00:22:26,554
It's been a catastrophe,
a humiliation.
343
00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:28,914
Economical, though.
It don't cost much.
344
00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:31,434
Well, I enjoyed it.
Out in fresh air.
345
00:22:31,434 --> 00:22:34,514
Fresh air? You've been swilling ale
for the past two hours.
346
00:22:34,514 --> 00:22:37,314
Here, put your sleeve in here.
347
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,634
Put your arm in there.
Stop waving it about!
348
00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:43,434
I can insert me own arm,
thank you very much.
349
00:22:43,434 --> 00:22:47,034
Here, I'll get Chip
to run us home past the woods.
350
00:22:47,034 --> 00:22:48,034
All right, Chip.
351
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:49,354
All right, Compo.
352
00:22:49,354 --> 00:22:52,754
Yeah. There were at time when
I knew every inch of them woods.
353
00:22:52,754 --> 00:22:55,354
And the shortest way through
Rosemary Sutcliffe.
354
00:22:55,354 --> 00:22:57,314
Well, everybody knew that.
355
00:22:57,314 --> 00:22:58,594
I didn't.
356
00:22:58,594 --> 00:23:00,034
Everybody normal.
357
00:23:00,034 --> 00:23:02,314
I was perfectly normal,
thank you very much.
358
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:05,894
I remember during the war,
I had plenty of offers.
359
00:23:05,894 --> 00:23:09,154
But I sweared an oath
to be faithful to Ann Shelton.
360
00:23:11,754 --> 00:23:16,954
While the others were out carousing,
I was sitting, playing her records.
361
00:23:16,954 --> 00:23:18,354
You stupid pillock.
362
00:23:18,354 --> 00:23:21,954
You wouldn't understand.
You've never had any finer feelings.
363
00:23:21,954 --> 00:23:24,634
I've had finer feelings than that.
364
00:23:24,634 --> 00:23:26,514
She didn't even know you existed.
365
00:23:26,514 --> 00:23:28,714
Oh, yes, she did. I wrote to her.
366
00:23:28,714 --> 00:23:31,894
And one Monday night,
on the forces programme,
367
00:23:31,894 --> 00:23:34,434
she sang My Yiddische Momme
just for me.
368
00:23:34,434 --> 00:23:36,994
Oh, it's pathetic.
369
00:23:36,994 --> 00:23:39,894
It was a beautiful relationship.
370
00:23:39,894 --> 00:23:43,514
You know, I went into battle
with her letter on my person.
371
00:23:43,514 --> 00:23:45,094
She wrote to you?
372
00:23:45,094 --> 00:23:47,434
Yes. The letter said,
"dear listener",
373
00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,154
and the "dear" was underlined.
374
00:23:49,154 --> 00:23:52,194
The trouble was, I was torn
between here and Anne Ziegler.
375
00:23:52,194 --> 00:23:54,794
Why, didn't you fancy Webster Booth?
376
00:23:57,314 --> 00:24:01,234
You know what it's like.
When peace comes, you drift apart.
377
00:24:01,234 --> 00:24:04,354
The trouble was, they spoilt me
for other women.
378
00:24:04,354 --> 00:24:07,834
Her down at the rates office
seemed lacklustre by comparison.
379
00:24:07,834 --> 00:24:10,914
Of course, there were
the usual physical things.
380
00:24:10,914 --> 00:24:13,154
You know what it's like in wartime.
381
00:24:13,154 --> 00:24:15,114
Yes, it was peacetime, only darker.
382
00:24:16,194 --> 00:24:20,114
The night before battle,
one's thoughts drifted towards...
383
00:24:20,114 --> 00:24:21,114
Desertion?
384
00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:23,354
..Brief episodes of the flesh.
385
00:24:23,354 --> 00:24:25,034
Medical inspection.
386
00:24:25,034 --> 00:24:28,154
Ah! What what did you feel
when you got to t'tropics?
387
00:24:28,154 --> 00:24:30,794
I had prickly heat.
388
00:24:30,794 --> 00:24:37,254
Oh, very romantic(!) A giant moon,
and him scratching his bot!
389
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:40,654
Just think, Cyril,
if it wasn't for the war,
390
00:24:40,654 --> 00:24:43,394
you'd have given up all
the golden moments of your youth
391
00:24:43,394 --> 00:24:44,674
for a life of dedication
392
00:24:44,674 --> 00:24:47,514
in the service of the Huddersfield
Coke and Gas Company.
393
00:24:47,514 --> 00:24:49,474
Well, I was sinking into the pension.
394
00:24:49,474 --> 00:24:51,454
Oh, you reckless sod!
395
00:24:52,474 --> 00:24:54,714
Anyway, I was perfectly normal.
396
00:24:54,714 --> 00:24:56,794
What, in them plus fours?
397
00:24:56,794 --> 00:25:00,194
Well, they were considered very smart
in those days, especially in my set.
398
00:25:00,194 --> 00:25:03,714
Your set?! You mean that spotty kid
that worked for t'tram company?
399
00:25:03,714 --> 00:25:06,554
His father had a car!
Very rare in them days.
400
00:25:06,554 --> 00:25:09,354
You shoulda seen it -
looks like somebody's shed!
401
00:25:09,354 --> 00:25:12,474
You must've been a right
youngblood in those days, Cyril,
402
00:25:12,474 --> 00:25:14,954
with your little 'tache,
and your first trilby.
403
00:25:14,954 --> 00:25:16,714
Soon passes, doesn't it?
404
00:25:16,714 --> 00:25:21,054
Aye. You don't get a lot of time
given for being 19.
405
00:25:24,714 --> 00:25:27,714
SINGING
406
00:25:29,754 --> 00:25:32,654
SINGING CONTINUES
407
00:25:33,654 --> 00:25:34,654
CHEERING
408
00:25:37,474 --> 00:25:39,454
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
409
00:25:46,394 --> 00:25:49,394
All the best, ta-ra.
410
00:25:51,674 --> 00:25:53,994
Here, time you and I were home.
411
00:25:53,994 --> 00:25:55,754
Oh, no!
412
00:25:55,754 --> 00:25:58,354
One for t'road.
413
00:25:59,674 --> 00:26:04,394
Here's wishing me every success
with my daily trouble and Mrs Batty.
414
00:26:04,394 --> 00:26:05,474
In that order?
415
00:26:07,474 --> 00:26:09,874
No, not necessarily.
416
00:26:13,454 --> 00:26:18,314
Here's to me brother-in-law, who
shows deep tact and understanding
417
00:26:18,314 --> 00:26:19,754
by keeping out of me way.
418
00:26:27,194 --> 00:26:29,354
Well, here's to the lady
419
00:26:29,354 --> 00:26:33,474
that managed the NAFFI
in Oswestry during the war...
420
00:26:33,474 --> 00:26:35,554
the one with the glasses.
36323
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