All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine S01E03 - Pate and Chips

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:05,740 Oh. He's late again. I knew it - 2 00:00:05,740 --> 00:00:08,980 he's not only unsavoury, he's unpunctual as well. 3 00:00:08,980 --> 00:00:10,580 It's a bit early for Compo. 4 00:00:10,580 --> 00:00:14,260 He's not had the practice of getting off to work like we used to have. 5 00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:16,820 Oh, there you are! Ah, come on in. 6 00:00:16,820 --> 00:00:21,380 I can't stand people who prat about the crack of early morning thingy. 7 00:00:21,380 --> 00:00:22,820 I won't be a minute. 8 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:28,380 You'd think he'd unglue himself from his tattered blankets on an occasion like this. 9 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:33,420 Especially since it's his relative who's picking us up. Who's also late, you'll notice. 10 00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:37,500 Oh, stop looking at your watch. I'll bet he's another shifty Simmonite. 11 00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:41,700 I'll bet you'd be a misery if you had to hire out rowing boats. 12 00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:48,380 Phwoar! They're all the same, his lot. Drain on the economy. 13 00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:52,700 If ever you've been near his feet, you'll know when I say "drain", I mean "drain". 14 00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:57,180 He's all right. There's a sort of luminous quality to the seat of his trousers - 15 00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:59,460 and you must admit he does wear a funny hat. 16 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:03,620 I think there's still a place in this country for people who wear funny hats. 17 00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:05,780 And he's good when it comes to cleaning me bike. 18 00:01:05,780 --> 00:01:10,020 When does he ever clean your bike? He doesn't, but you can always count on him for a bit of rag. 19 00:01:10,020 --> 00:01:13,260 Well, of course you can. That's his suit! 20 00:01:13,260 --> 00:01:17,260 I only hope he'll smarten himself up a bit this morning, that's all! 21 00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:20,360 I know it's a stately home, but we're only visiting. 22 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,380 I knew it'd only inflame your feudal tendencies. 23 00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:28,420 Well, they don't want any scoffy peasant loping all over their reduced circumstances. 24 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:31,980 And I only hope that relative of his has some manners as well. 25 00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:36,420 Being a member of his family should be a notifiable industrial disease. 26 00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:40,580 Put your sandwiches in here. It'll give an executive air to the day. 27 00:01:40,580 --> 00:01:42,620 What have you brought, by the way? 28 00:01:42,620 --> 00:01:46,020 Cheese. Oh, really? I've brought a little pate, myself. 29 00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:50,960 Cyril, you've a tendency to go very Reader's Digest. 30 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,900 COMPO COUGHS HARSHLY 31 00:01:58,220 --> 00:02:01,460 Ah, there's no pleasure like lying abed like it used to be 32 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:03,220 when I was supposed to be at work. 33 00:02:03,220 --> 00:02:06,100 Just look at him! He looks like cardboard in the rain. 34 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,500 Well, at least he's got up. Yes, right up my nostrils. 35 00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:14,260 Wellies are optional for stately homes - you don't have to wear them. 36 00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:17,420 I've cleaned 'em! I walk through every puddle. 37 00:02:17,420 --> 00:02:19,460 On all fours, by the look of it. 38 00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:22,100 Couldn't you have got dressed up just for once?! 39 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:26,180 Well, you cheeky bat, I AM dressed. What do you think this is? 40 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,620 Some sort of tourniquet, I imagine. 41 00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:30,940 Well, I'll stand stuffy. 42 00:02:30,940 --> 00:02:32,620 I wouldn't recommend it. 43 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,380 Not till you've loosened this a bit. 44 00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:37,580 You know, I think I liked you better BEFORE you were purple. 45 00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,780 Yeah, well it's the last time I get dressed up, duke or no duke. 46 00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:43,540 I put this on special! And at no small risk. 47 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,520 Because if this is round your neck, 48 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,260 what, we ask ourselves, is holding your trousers up? 49 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,980 Hah! Somebody's clothesline. Mrs Batty's. 50 00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:55,660 Sentimental value. 51 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:59,380 Yeah, well I thought I'd wear it next to me skin. Nice(!) 52 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,720 He's thieved it. 53 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,740 Well, she refused point-blank to discuss her knicker elastic. 54 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:09,780 Well, nobody smokin', then? BLAMIRE SIGHS 55 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:14,860 Well, just because we're having a day out, there's no need to get niggly with the nicotine. 56 00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:19,180 And he hasn't even shaved. They dressed like that for the French Revolution! 57 00:03:19,180 --> 00:03:22,520 If the duke's at home, he'll think you're swarming him. Not visiting him! 58 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,740 Well - I hope tha's brought tha own sandwiches. 59 00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:27,820 These'll not go round. 60 00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:30,420 They'll not go round in public, I hope! 61 00:03:31,820 --> 00:03:34,520 Here - put 'em in here to keep 'em out of sight. 62 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,780 And don't you dare ask for them when anybody's looking! 63 00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:41,620 If all goes well, you can rendezvous secretly and pass them over in the gents. 64 00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:44,780 What have you got in 'ere? Potted meat. 65 00:03:44,780 --> 00:03:46,380 Have you left it in the jar(?) 66 00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:49,020 Cyril's got pate. 67 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,780 Well, he should get to t'doctor's instead of spreading it about. 68 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,220 I'll tell you who's not about - your relative. Where is he, then? 69 00:03:57,220 --> 00:03:59,860 What, our Chip? He'll be here when he's ready. 70 00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:04,260 They've got kids to look after, they ain't got all day to ponce about like us. 71 00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:08,780 Wife, kids and us three to pick up? Must have a decent-sized car. 72 00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:13,180 Is it possible that one of his lot should have given up the family tradition of worthlessness? 73 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:17,660 Been accidentally overexposed to a broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party. 74 00:04:17,660 --> 00:04:19,740 I wonder if HE'LL bring pate. 75 00:04:19,740 --> 00:04:21,220 Aaah! 76 00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:24,720 Ah, well. Come on! Let's go wait for him down at t'caff. Aye, come on. 77 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,980 What with your feet, and them ferrets... Ergh! Stretch me legs. 78 00:04:28,980 --> 00:04:32,940 I feel as though I've been sleeping with them in a reef knot! 79 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:38,740 Suppose we miss him altogether? He'll know where to find us. 80 00:04:38,740 --> 00:04:41,540 I told him if we were late we'd be in Sid's caff. 81 00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:44,080 Compose yourself, Cyril. I haven't seen you like this 82 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,740 since you were approached by that Jehovah's Witness. 83 00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:49,280 I get them now and again. I know, I've seen you scrattin'. 84 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,140 Jehovah's Witnesses! Oh... 85 00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:56,740 They don't bother. It's about all I do get calling at t'house these days. 86 00:04:56,740 --> 00:05:00,340 Them and that lot what keeps coming and taking back me telly. 87 00:05:00,340 --> 00:05:05,420 I've no time to be stood on the front doorstep discussing biblical criticism. 88 00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:10,620 Especially with old hands who are notoriously swift with the Watchtower. 89 00:05:10,620 --> 00:05:13,540 What puzzles me when I think about life, 90 00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:17,620 is where does all that fluff come from that gathers in your navel? 91 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:23,820 Don't just stand there like Hudson's Bakery. Local bloody landmark(!) 92 00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:28,340 Are you going to shift or do I have to go to t'council for a bloody demolition order? 93 00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:33,620 Why don't you go to night school instead and learn euthanasia, you bloody thing? Oh, go on, get lost! 94 00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,780 We're only half open. 95 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:39,540 All right, give us three half-cups of tea. 96 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,080 Sid...! 97 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,740 Here, keep your molars off. Get away, I ain't had any breakfast! Do you ever? 98 00:05:45,740 --> 00:05:48,100 Mmm. Sometimes I have a bit o' dripping. 99 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:52,940 Would you believe it? 1973, the age of the computer, and he's still eating dripping. 100 00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:54,880 Well, tha don't know what tha's missing. 101 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,740 Gravy's a dying art. 102 00:05:56,740 --> 00:06:01,700 SID AND IVY BICKER Some people ought to get their mouths double-glazed! 103 00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,900 You're early this morning, you lot, aren't you? 104 00:06:03,900 --> 00:06:07,140 Aye, we're having a day out. We're going to Upperdyke Hall. 105 00:06:07,140 --> 00:06:10,500 If somebody I know's relative gets round to picking us up! 106 00:06:11,540 --> 00:06:15,080 Have tha got any dripping, Sid? That went out with the Depression. 107 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,440 Nay - Sid went out with the Depression. Then he goes and marries it. 108 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,740 Huh. Tha's not far wrong, either! 109 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:22,700 Wish I could get a day out now and again. 110 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,580 Do you know, I never go out on me own, me. 111 00:06:24,580 --> 00:06:27,680 Come on, Sid, don't exaggerate. What about national service? 112 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,100 HORN TOOTS 113 00:06:34,380 --> 00:06:36,300 CHILDREN CHATTER, DOG BARKS 114 00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:42,300 You've woken him up, Chip. He shouldn't be, not with all that swill inside him. 115 00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,980 I could hear him sloshing every time we went round the corner! 116 00:06:44,980 --> 00:06:47,380 He's just like his dad, a 14-pinter. 117 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,500 Who's a 14-pinter? Eh(?) 118 00:06:53,340 --> 00:06:55,420 Aye... They must be in the cafe. 119 00:06:58,580 --> 00:07:02,240 I've been meaning to talk to you, our Connie, about wearing longer dresses. 120 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,540 You'll go mad if I do. 121 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:07,300 All right, you lot, come on - in the back. CHILD: Oh, no... 122 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:09,660 Come on. In you go. Come on, budge up... 123 00:07:09,660 --> 00:07:13,100 Watch the dog! Come on. Right... 124 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:19,180 And how was they able to build places like Upperdyke Hall? By plundering poor folk like me! 125 00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,260 You could plunder him all day long and all you'd get was itchy. 126 00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:23,980 We were in a big house in the Army. 127 00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:26,500 Glasshouse(?) No, it weren't like that at all. 128 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:30,300 It were like a castle. It had little tiny windows and dark corners. 129 00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:33,380 Oh! Barbara Castle. 130 00:07:33,380 --> 00:07:36,100 BLAMIRE LAUGHS Oh, we had to guard it. 131 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,500 That must have been a sight. You on t'battlements. 132 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,859 It were t'training centre for Army typists. 133 00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:45,460 By 'ell! You were there, weren't you? 134 00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:46,900 Army typists(!) 135 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:51,940 You old warhorse. Do your ears still twitch at the sound of the massed Olivettis(?) 136 00:07:51,940 --> 00:07:55,060 Well, I didn't ask to be posted there. I wanted to be near me mate. 137 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:57,540 Where'd he got to? Hospital, he had deformed feet. 138 00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:03,300 What a war record. Fancy pitting that against the master race! 139 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,500 Well, we won, didn't we? No thanks to you! 140 00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:08,980 Be fair, Cyril. Maybe his mate was the brains behind the second front. 141 00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:13,100 Maybe he was sitting up in bed plotting strategy... scratching his deformed feet. 142 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,660 Oh, but he had a good thing going with black market petrol. 143 00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,900 He used to buy it off the Yanks, then flog it to this vicar 144 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,540 who was trying to combat sin 145 00:08:21,540 --> 00:08:24,300 within the regions of the American Airfields, 146 00:08:24,300 --> 00:08:27,440 and he didn't know how to cope with it on his bicycle. 147 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,640 Lucky for you you didn't come face to face with the enemy. 148 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,460 We had some Gerry prisoners billeted near the big house. 149 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:36,260 'Ello, close combat stories now, eh? 150 00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:40,740 One of 'em built me a crucifix out of a bullet. They were all right. 151 00:08:40,740 --> 00:08:43,540 They were better than our sergeant, I'll tell ya that. 152 00:08:43,540 --> 00:08:45,040 Where was he from? 153 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,500 Wales. Oh, well. 154 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:51,180 I give it to a bird in the village, but it were no good, 155 00:08:51,180 --> 00:08:52,980 it didn't get me anywhere. 156 00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:56,740 You know, they were getting too much stuff off the Yanks. 157 00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:59,740 If it didn't have a flamin' oil well or a ranch, 158 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,860 it didn't stand a chance at all. 159 00:09:01,860 --> 00:09:05,300 So we had to go back to Lucy, she were our corporal cook. 160 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,300 She had blood all down her apron. 161 00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:11,140 And you wouldn't imagine the things she could do with a whistle. 162 00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:15,860 Hello! Hello, Chip, 'ow are ya? You all right? 163 00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,340 Don't go out just yet, she's changing a nappy, 164 00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:19,740 it's a terrifying sight. 165 00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:23,100 How's the family then, all right? Aye, multiplying. 166 00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,400 Dad, can I have some ice cream for t'dog? 167 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,660 No, you can't. Go out. Get back in the van. 168 00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:32,700 Van? I didn't get a right look at 'im, but I think he were one of ours, they usually are! 169 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,660 Oh, great. Dripping! 170 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:38,100 That's our Chip. 171 00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:44,140 All right, come on, you lot. 172 00:09:44,140 --> 00:09:46,820 Hurry up and get in. Come on, you lot. 173 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,940 Come on. Watch me feet! 174 00:09:48,940 --> 00:09:50,660 All right, gentlemen? 175 00:09:50,660 --> 00:09:52,820 DOG BARKS 176 00:09:52,820 --> 00:09:56,220 Mind that dog, he eats clothes. I'm not kidding, corduroy even! 177 00:09:56,220 --> 00:10:01,220 He's supposed to eat rabbits, but no chance. Not unless he finds one in a tracksuit. Mind the doors! 178 00:10:03,220 --> 00:10:05,060 He's a lovely boy. 179 00:10:05,060 --> 00:10:08,420 We've got none, you know. All I can do is mother 'im. 180 00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:10,940 You can have one of ours, we've got a van full. 181 00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,860 He's nowt but a big kid himself. They're all alike, love. 182 00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:17,740 Say goodbye to your Auntie Ivy. Ta-ta! 183 00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:24,140 If I had my way, we'd all be sterilised. Ha! 184 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,820 Let's go, come on! 185 00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:14,219 Stop 'em, Chip, they'll fall in. 186 00:11:14,219 --> 00:11:18,800 They won't fall in. I've 'ad 'em playing on the roof and everything, 187 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,940 Hey, you kids, don't go too near the water. 188 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:25,000 I bet he hasn't even got a licence for it. What, for biting her ear? 189 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,400 Road fund licence. I told you. 190 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,820 It's expired. 191 00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:31,000 Well, I expect it slipped his mind. 192 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,780 Since 1967? 193 00:11:36,020 --> 00:11:37,900 There's a good dog, Abbey. 194 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:18,220 Of course, this would be completely outside my experience 195 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:22,460 had I not once been inside the area offices of the National Pool Board. 196 00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:26,100 Can you feel the sense of history? It's marvellous. 197 00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,260 I bet they got mice. 198 00:12:36,414 --> 00:12:37,934 That is a Constable. 199 00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:40,294 It must be CID in that outfit. 200 00:12:41,814 --> 00:12:43,414 Unless it's a police woman. 201 00:12:43,414 --> 00:12:47,214 I knew a police woman sergeant in Huddersfield wi' a face like that. 202 00:12:47,214 --> 00:12:51,014 A painting by Constable, you tatty 'erbert. 203 00:12:51,014 --> 00:12:53,294 She threw me out of a boozer. 204 00:12:53,294 --> 00:12:56,394 You've had an interesting life. 205 00:12:56,394 --> 00:12:59,694 Yes, he has. Never wasted any of it on work, did he? 206 00:13:08,174 --> 00:13:11,214 They call her Muriel. Who told you that? 207 00:13:11,214 --> 00:13:14,174 She did. This police woman sergeant. 208 00:13:14,174 --> 00:13:19,574 She was sat outside this boozer and 209 00:13:19,574 --> 00:13:22,154 Rubbish! He's talking rubbish. 210 00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:24,094 She fancied you. I think she did. 211 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:29,974 Out of all them fellas in the pub, it was you that she selected to toss out on the pavement. I thought it! 212 00:13:29,974 --> 00:13:35,254 Compo's going to be here all night, 213 00:13:36,854 --> 00:13:39,014 Do you know, I'd never have though of that. 214 00:13:39,014 --> 00:13:41,814 It just come to me. He's a bigger liar than... 215 00:13:41,814 --> 00:13:44,494 No, no, no. It's a very touching little story. 216 00:13:44,494 --> 00:13:45,974 He was touched all right. 217 00:13:45,974 --> 00:13:49,654 I've seen him flapping his arms, and trying to fly off the wash house. 218 00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:53,814 Shows grit. Scientific curiosity. Shows grit all right, a face full. 219 00:13:53,814 --> 00:13:58,214 Well, I had hole in me jersey. You've always had hole in your jersey. 220 00:13:58,214 --> 00:14:00,814 On a dewy morning, it looked like a spider's web. 221 00:14:00,814 --> 00:14:02,174 COMPO GROANS 222 00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,014 There was a time when I had the scientific curiosity. 223 00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:07,054 During old Fosdyke's lessons. 224 00:14:07,054 --> 00:14:10,894 I was very impressed by the behaviour of iron filings. 225 00:14:10,894 --> 00:14:13,854 All them invisible patterns in the air. 226 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,654 It makes you think. Maybe the Almighty's got a plan, after all. 227 00:14:17,654 --> 00:14:22,154 Or is he just passing the time embroidering his doily? 228 00:15:02,094 --> 00:15:04,374 Wehay! 229 00:15:22,654 --> 00:15:24,514 DISTANT VOICES 230 00:15:26,574 --> 00:15:29,514 HE SPLUTTERS 231 00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:31,734 COMPO COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 232 00:15:31,734 --> 00:15:33,774 Ugh! You two. 233 00:15:37,374 --> 00:15:39,774 In years to come, archaeologists round here 234 00:15:39,774 --> 00:15:43,334 may discover traces of a culture based upon greyhounds 235 00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:48,334 and extra-marital sex. The aristocracy certainly know how to live. 236 00:15:48,334 --> 00:15:52,174 Every stupid pillock knows how to live, you just keep breathing in and out. 237 00:15:53,534 --> 00:15:56,534 You know it's just a habit. You could break it if you tried. 238 00:15:56,534 --> 00:16:00,134 I was referring to style, you evil goblin. 239 00:16:00,134 --> 00:16:03,614 Here! That's where I've seen him, squatting on toadstools, 240 00:16:03,614 --> 00:16:06,934 being unpleasant to fairies. There it is. 241 00:16:06,934 --> 00:16:09,734 Style, refinement, culture. 242 00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:13,214 What he means is they all used to loll about in their golden wellies. 243 00:16:13,214 --> 00:16:15,454 All I needs is money. 244 00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:19,974 Never. You're not telling me that if you had money, you could producea place like this? 245 00:16:19,974 --> 00:16:22,214 I'd be satisfied if he bought his own fags! 246 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:26,014 It's easy, you just pick up a phone and order a palace. 247 00:16:26,014 --> 00:16:28,574 Hey, that'd fetch Mrs Batty running, eh? 248 00:16:28,574 --> 00:16:31,534 I wouldn't want it like this any road. 249 00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:35,134 I'd have some right pigeon pictures 250 00:16:35,134 --> 00:16:38,374 You can see it, can't you? A betting shop in cinemascope. 251 00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:41,454 The only bloke in England with ferrets on his crest. 252 00:16:41,454 --> 00:16:47,334 Yes, I should clap me hands and order Mrs Batty to be brought before my golden throne. 253 00:16:47,334 --> 00:16:50,254 I'd give her a whole wing. 254 00:16:50,254 --> 00:16:53,854 I give you three guesses who'd get parson's nose. 255 00:16:53,854 --> 00:16:57,054 Aye, she'd be after me then would Mrs Batty, eh? 256 00:16:57,054 --> 00:17:01,054 I'd put it to her straight, as soon as she finished curtseying, 257 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:04,414 I'd say, "Righto, Nora, come on, let's be knowing." 258 00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:07,914 How much do I owe you for this clothes line? Get off. 259 00:17:07,914 --> 00:17:13,534 Wrong century, that's my problem, you see, born too late for the age of elegance. 260 00:17:27,674 --> 00:17:29,554 LOUD BELCH 261 00:17:29,554 --> 00:17:32,874 Uh-oh, certain rumblings in the catering trade. 262 00:17:32,874 --> 00:17:36,954 The dog won't bite, but if you're feeding the kids watch your fingers, 263 00:17:36,954 --> 00:17:40,194 especially this one, he's got teeth like his mother. 264 00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,194 Look! She can't keep her hands off me. 265 00:17:42,194 --> 00:17:45,594 Aye, we're all sexpots us simonites. 266 00:17:45,594 --> 00:17:47,274 We know, look at your Albert. 267 00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:50,374 Aye, well, that were a mistake. He thought he knew her. 268 00:17:50,374 --> 00:17:52,874 Well, couldn't he shake hands like anybody else? 269 00:17:52,874 --> 00:17:56,514 Kids, off you go and play. Shaun, take the baby for a walk. 270 00:17:56,514 --> 00:18:00,374 Come on, then. Give him some grass. Don't go near the water now. 271 00:18:00,374 --> 00:18:03,074 You stay with your uncle. Come on, lad. 272 00:18:03,394 --> 00:18:06,794 Ah, here, there you are, Julian, 273 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:12,434 there you see your first man eating pate, that's potted meat for Tories. 274 00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:19,074 She breeds like a duck, but she's kept her figure, hey? I should have kept it away from you. 275 00:18:19,074 --> 00:18:23,594 I can't stand fellas who obliterate the ends of paragraphs with HP Sauce. 276 00:18:23,594 --> 00:18:26,074 Have you finished here then you lot? 277 00:18:26,074 --> 00:18:28,834 Well, we have if you're going to get violent. 278 00:18:28,834 --> 00:18:31,034 Well, take your mucky mess with you. 279 00:18:31,034 --> 00:18:34,434 She'd make a right bouncer that one. Must be the duchess. 280 00:18:34,434 --> 00:18:38,234 Hey, duchess! Don't forget, he's with us, tha knows. 281 00:18:38,234 --> 00:18:41,774 I shall deny it whoever you are. 282 00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:47,314 Where's the father? He ought to be doing this. 283 00:18:47,314 --> 00:18:49,274 They've gone off on their own. 284 00:18:49,274 --> 00:18:51,714 They don't get much time on their own. 285 00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:54,314 They get quite enough by the look of this lot. 286 00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:58,274 Julian, wipe you hand! Not on my coat, there's a good lad. 287 00:18:58,274 --> 00:19:00,934 Use your hankie. Oh, not on there! 288 00:19:00,934 --> 00:19:05,634 Oh my god! Shut up whittling, Cyril. Hold the water. 289 00:19:09,034 --> 00:19:12,374 CHILD WHINES What did you say? 290 00:19:12,374 --> 00:19:15,434 Oh, now he wants to be picked up. 291 00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:20,194 Well, pick him up, there's plenty of places you can use for handle. 292 00:19:20,194 --> 00:19:22,434 Come on then, hey up. 293 00:19:22,434 --> 00:19:26,974 Oh dear, how can he be hungry after eating all that lot. 294 00:19:26,974 --> 00:19:29,234 How's the baby? 295 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:34,474 Seems nice enough. But I think they're more attractive when they've got all their fur. 296 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:36,974 This is no way to see a stately home. 297 00:19:36,974 --> 00:19:41,034 He's eating again, I don't know where he puts it. 298 00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:43,874 I can tell you where he puts it, all down my trouser leg. 299 00:19:43,874 --> 00:19:47,234 They're completely out of control these children. 300 00:19:47,234 --> 00:19:50,394 Oh, and they get a piece of string and put it on the dog. 301 00:19:50,394 --> 00:19:53,514 Skin's funny stuff when you think about it. 302 00:19:53,514 --> 00:19:58,074 We started off like animals, but we're going to finish off more like fruit. 303 00:19:58,074 --> 00:20:03,434 In summary, there is a set of six stairs of Chippendale pattern. 304 00:20:03,434 --> 00:20:07,354 Closely following the pattern in the cabinet maker's own book, 305 00:20:07,354 --> 00:20:10,474 The Director, published in 1754. 306 00:20:11,074 --> 00:20:16,754 The earlier periods of oak and walnut are represented by a fine set of six Dutch chairs. 307 00:20:16,754 --> 00:20:18,154 Come on. Just a moment. 308 00:20:18,154 --> 00:20:22,274 Let me remind you of Olly Aspinall, to improve himself, 309 00:20:22,274 --> 00:20:25,354 and finally became a first class prat. Shh. 310 00:20:27,874 --> 00:20:31,394 This staircase gives onto the family's own private quarters 311 00:20:31,394 --> 00:20:32,634 whilst in residence. 312 00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,034 The present Earl is a man of wide cultural and sporting interests, 313 00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:38,674 and, er... RUSTLING 314 00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:43,434 Ah-ha. One moment. Just a moment, your lordship, I have the keys. 315 00:20:48,354 --> 00:20:50,154 Just one moment, your lordship. 316 00:20:53,434 --> 00:20:55,674 Shan't keep you a moment, your lordship. 317 00:20:55,674 --> 00:20:57,794 It's...it's these keys. 318 00:20:57,794 --> 00:21:01,794 I keep telling them it's obvious they ought to be marked. 319 00:21:02,874 --> 00:21:04,874 But we don't always get the same set. 320 00:21:04,874 --> 00:21:07,834 Our housekeeper gets her fingers in them. 321 00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:10,754 I'm coming as fast as I can, your lordship. 322 00:21:10,754 --> 00:21:13,034 She thinks she owns the place. 323 00:21:13,034 --> 00:21:16,994 Gets away with it because certain parties fancy her. 324 00:21:16,994 --> 00:21:20,234 And you should see where she's allowed to park. 325 00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:25,154 We've got to leave our cars where the great snorting British public 326 00:21:25,154 --> 00:21:26,434 can swarm all over 'em. 327 00:21:26,434 --> 00:21:29,794 Ah! Ah. 328 00:21:29,794 --> 00:21:32,634 Will you move back please, just move back a little bit. 329 00:21:32,634 --> 00:21:36,274 Give us a little bit of elbow room, come on. Get back there, that's it. 330 00:21:43,154 --> 00:21:46,534 I should fetch a shovel, old lad, he's crapped all over t'carpet. 331 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:55,074 No idea how to behave on Ducal premises! 332 00:21:55,074 --> 00:21:56,554 Come on, at the double. 333 00:21:56,554 --> 00:22:00,594 Oh, give over! No idea. 334 00:22:03,034 --> 00:22:04,954 Oh, they're coming. 335 00:22:04,954 --> 00:22:07,034 Hello. How are you? 336 00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:10,394 I'm not going in there. Come on! 337 00:22:10,394 --> 00:22:12,154 Here you are, lad, take care of dog. 338 00:22:14,314 --> 00:22:17,894 What would a lass like you do for another barley wine? Nothing. 339 00:22:17,894 --> 00:22:20,714 Now, think twice before you make a decision like that. 340 00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:23,034 It's too important for snap judgments. 341 00:22:23,034 --> 00:22:24,354 Well, it's been a change. 342 00:22:24,354 --> 00:22:26,554 It's been a catastrophe, a humiliation. 343 00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:28,914 Economical, though. It don't cost much. 344 00:22:28,914 --> 00:22:31,434 Well, I enjoyed it. Out in fresh air. 345 00:22:31,434 --> 00:22:34,514 Fresh air? You've been swilling ale for the past two hours. 346 00:22:34,514 --> 00:22:37,314 Here, put your sleeve in here. 347 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,634 Put your arm in there. Stop waving it about! 348 00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:43,434 I can insert me own arm, thank you very much. 349 00:22:43,434 --> 00:22:47,034 Here, I'll get Chip to run us home past the woods. 350 00:22:47,034 --> 00:22:48,034 All right, Chip. 351 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:49,354 All right, Compo. 352 00:22:49,354 --> 00:22:52,754 Yeah. There were at time when I knew every inch of them woods. 353 00:22:52,754 --> 00:22:55,354 And the shortest way through Rosemary Sutcliffe. 354 00:22:55,354 --> 00:22:57,314 Well, everybody knew that. 355 00:22:57,314 --> 00:22:58,594 I didn't. 356 00:22:58,594 --> 00:23:00,034 Everybody normal. 357 00:23:00,034 --> 00:23:02,314 I was perfectly normal, thank you very much. 358 00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:05,894 I remember during the war, I had plenty of offers. 359 00:23:05,894 --> 00:23:09,154 But I sweared an oath to be faithful to Ann Shelton. 360 00:23:11,754 --> 00:23:16,954 While the others were out carousing, I was sitting, playing her records. 361 00:23:16,954 --> 00:23:18,354 You stupid pillock. 362 00:23:18,354 --> 00:23:21,954 You wouldn't understand. You've never had any finer feelings. 363 00:23:21,954 --> 00:23:24,634 I've had finer feelings than that. 364 00:23:24,634 --> 00:23:26,514 She didn't even know you existed. 365 00:23:26,514 --> 00:23:28,714 Oh, yes, she did. I wrote to her. 366 00:23:28,714 --> 00:23:31,894 And one Monday night, on the forces programme, 367 00:23:31,894 --> 00:23:34,434 she sang My Yiddische Momme just for me. 368 00:23:34,434 --> 00:23:36,994 Oh, it's pathetic. 369 00:23:36,994 --> 00:23:39,894 It was a beautiful relationship. 370 00:23:39,894 --> 00:23:43,514 You know, I went into battle with her letter on my person. 371 00:23:43,514 --> 00:23:45,094 She wrote to you? 372 00:23:45,094 --> 00:23:47,434 Yes. The letter said, "dear listener", 373 00:23:47,434 --> 00:23:49,154 and the "dear" was underlined. 374 00:23:49,154 --> 00:23:52,194 The trouble was, I was torn between here and Anne Ziegler. 375 00:23:52,194 --> 00:23:54,794 Why, didn't you fancy Webster Booth? 376 00:23:57,314 --> 00:24:01,234 You know what it's like. When peace comes, you drift apart. 377 00:24:01,234 --> 00:24:04,354 The trouble was, they spoilt me for other women. 378 00:24:04,354 --> 00:24:07,834 Her down at the rates office seemed lacklustre by comparison. 379 00:24:07,834 --> 00:24:10,914 Of course, there were the usual physical things. 380 00:24:10,914 --> 00:24:13,154 You know what it's like in wartime. 381 00:24:13,154 --> 00:24:15,114 Yes, it was peacetime, only darker. 382 00:24:16,194 --> 00:24:20,114 The night before battle, one's thoughts drifted towards... 383 00:24:20,114 --> 00:24:21,114 Desertion? 384 00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:23,354 ..Brief episodes of the flesh. 385 00:24:23,354 --> 00:24:25,034 Medical inspection. 386 00:24:25,034 --> 00:24:28,154 Ah! What what did you feel when you got to t'tropics? 387 00:24:28,154 --> 00:24:30,794 I had prickly heat. 388 00:24:30,794 --> 00:24:37,254 Oh, very romantic(!) A giant moon, and him scratching his bot! 389 00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:40,654 Just think, Cyril, if it wasn't for the war, 390 00:24:40,654 --> 00:24:43,394 you'd have given up all the golden moments of your youth 391 00:24:43,394 --> 00:24:44,674 for a life of dedication 392 00:24:44,674 --> 00:24:47,514 in the service of the Huddersfield Coke and Gas Company. 393 00:24:47,514 --> 00:24:49,474 Well, I was sinking into the pension. 394 00:24:49,474 --> 00:24:51,454 Oh, you reckless sod! 395 00:24:52,474 --> 00:24:54,714 Anyway, I was perfectly normal. 396 00:24:54,714 --> 00:24:56,794 What, in them plus fours? 397 00:24:56,794 --> 00:25:00,194 Well, they were considered very smart in those days, especially in my set. 398 00:25:00,194 --> 00:25:03,714 Your set?! You mean that spotty kid that worked for t'tram company? 399 00:25:03,714 --> 00:25:06,554 His father had a car! Very rare in them days. 400 00:25:06,554 --> 00:25:09,354 You shoulda seen it - looks like somebody's shed! 401 00:25:09,354 --> 00:25:12,474 You must've been a right youngblood in those days, Cyril, 402 00:25:12,474 --> 00:25:14,954 with your little 'tache, and your first trilby. 403 00:25:14,954 --> 00:25:16,714 Soon passes, doesn't it? 404 00:25:16,714 --> 00:25:21,054 Aye. You don't get a lot of time given for being 19. 405 00:25:24,714 --> 00:25:27,714 SINGING 406 00:25:29,754 --> 00:25:32,654 SINGING CONTINUES 407 00:25:33,654 --> 00:25:34,654 CHEERING 408 00:25:37,474 --> 00:25:39,454 THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE 409 00:25:46,394 --> 00:25:49,394 All the best, ta-ra. 410 00:25:51,674 --> 00:25:53,994 Here, time you and I were home. 411 00:25:53,994 --> 00:25:55,754 Oh, no! 412 00:25:55,754 --> 00:25:58,354 One for t'road. 413 00:25:59,674 --> 00:26:04,394 Here's wishing me every success with my daily trouble and Mrs Batty. 414 00:26:04,394 --> 00:26:05,474 In that order? 415 00:26:07,474 --> 00:26:09,874 No, not necessarily. 416 00:26:13,454 --> 00:26:18,314 Here's to me brother-in-law, who shows deep tact and understanding 417 00:26:18,314 --> 00:26:19,754 by keeping out of me way. 418 00:26:27,194 --> 00:26:29,354 Well, here's to the lady 419 00:26:29,354 --> 00:26:33,474 that managed the NAFFI in Oswestry during the war... 420 00:26:33,474 --> 00:26:35,554 the one with the glasses. 36323

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