Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,041
TED:
Kids, something you might not
know about your Uncle Marshall
2
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,078
is that he's always been good
at games.
3
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,443
I mean, unbeatable.
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,181
Gin!
5
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,981
Yahtzee!
6
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,020
Poker!
7
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,985
You don't have
to shout out "poker"
8
00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,823
when you win.
9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,718
I know. It's just fun to say.
10
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:25,230
TED:
We all finally agreed
Marshall should be running
11
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,333
our game nights
instead of playing in them.
12
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:30,325
Which he took to mean,
"invent your own game."
13
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,498
It's called
"Marsh-gammon."
14
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,467
It combines all
15
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,265
the best features of
all the best games--
16
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,667
Candy Land, I Never,
Pictionary.
17
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,769
Backgammon, obviously.
18
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,680
No. Backgammon sucks.
19
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,782
I took the only good part
20
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,383
of backgammon,
the "gammon,"
21
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:47,375
and I left the rest
of it in the trash
where it belongs.
22
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,549
I'm so excited
Victoria's coming.
23
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,448
I'm going to go get
another round.
24
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,890
TED:
Okay, I want
to lay down
25
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,094
some ground
rules for tonight.
26
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,026
Barney, I actually
like Victoria... a lot,
27
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,962
so don't say
anything embarrass...
28
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,927
Don't say anything.
29
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,555
And guys,
30
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,271
I haven't exactly
told Victoria
31
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,243
that I used to have a
kind of thing for Robin,
32
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,841
so we you could
just avoid the...
33
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,402
Well, well, well.
34
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,211
How rich.
35
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,643
You make me promise
36
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,737
to be on my best behavior
around your girlfriend,
37
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,979
yet, you have been lying
to her since day one.
38
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,845
Excuse me.
39
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,753
Hi. Leg Warehouse?
40
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,715
Yeah, my friend Ted
needs something to stand on.
41
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,789
So, nothing for him
to stand on?
42
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,094
Okay, and thanks so much.
43
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,487
Ted, doesn't Victoria
deserve to know
44
00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,389
that you once had the hots
for Robin?
45
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:37,531
I have half a mind to tell
the story of the re-return.
46
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,138
( whispers ):
No. I-I swore you
to secrecy on that.
47
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,942
Ooh, I am smelling dirt.
48
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,313
What is the story
of the re-return?
49
00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:46,973
Nothing.
It's nothing.
50
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,440
And speaking of
digging up dirt,
51
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,439
can I count on you two
to behave around Victoria?
52
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,751
Us?
53
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:52,982
What would we do?
54
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,676
Look, um, you guys
have always been
like the parents
55
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,848
that I still have and,
in fact, moved here
56
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,417
to get away from.
57
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,956
However, could we skip the
traditional interrogation
58
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,592
of the new
girlfriend tonight?
59
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,657
BOTH:
Fine.
60
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,456
Thank you.
61
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,597
I should go help Robin.
Okay.
62
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,731
Hey.
63
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,199
Hey.
64
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,537
So, are you going to be okay
65
00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,242
hanging out
with Victoria tonight?
66
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,614
Oh, sure. She's great.
67
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,842
Oh, what?
68
00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,637
Because of the whole thing
where I said I liked Ted?
69
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,309
No. Victoria's great.
70
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,247
She's fun, she's
free-spirited,
she's great.
71
00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,245
I said, "She's great"
too many times, didn't I?
72
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,777
You must really hate the bitch.
73
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,521
( laughs )
74
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,386
But if you roll an even number
75
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,555
while adjacent
to the Peppermint Forest,
76
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,164
then you "Marshall out,"
and all your chips go
77
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,157
into the pot,
and remember,
78
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,459
if you ever ask
the question "What?," then...
79
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,071
( buzzer sounds )
80
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,502
You got to drink.
81
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,297
Got it?
82
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,998
( all talking at once )
83
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,170
Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just
start, you guys'll pick it up.
84
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,310
Newbie goes first.
85
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,644
Roll.
Okay.
86
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,283
Three!
87
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,475
You got Autobiography.
88
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,046
Now, that's where you have
89
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,223
to answer
90
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,252
a personal question
about your dating life
91
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:04,817
truthfully in order to move on.
92
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,415
Marshall, come on.
93
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,357
Hey, she's the one
who rolled a three.
94
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,256
Victoria,
95
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,485
"Have you
96
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,830
ever cheated
while in a relationship?"
97
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,025
Wow, good question.
98
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,197
Look, you don't
have to answer that.
99
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,766
It's okay.
100
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:24,203
Um, well, I was in a really
crappy relationship in college,
101
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,072
and I wound up kissing
this guy at a party
102
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,680
one night, and I
103
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:32,282
felt terrible about it, so,
I came clean, and we broke up.
104
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:37,147
Victoria, that was an honest
and mature answer.
105
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,517
You may advance
to The Gumdrop Mountains.
106
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,487
Ooh.
107
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,785
So Victoria, did you ever
rereturn to this guy?
108
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:45,458
What?
109
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,656
( buzzer sounds )
110
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,597
You said what,
you got to drink!
111
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,032
LILY:
Oh, Barney,
112
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,497
by the way, I
went to a party
113
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,365
in that new
building on 82nd,
114
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,874
and the host said she knew you.
115
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,095
What is her name?
116
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,309
Sharon? Shannon?
117
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,571
Shannon?!
118
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,207
Shannon, Shannon...
119
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:04,005
No, don't remember any Shannon.
120
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,447
Really? Well, 'cause she gave me
a videotape to give...
121
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,984
Where's the tape?
122
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:10,883
Fine.
123
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,916
Cool, okay.
You know, whenever.
124
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,018
Okay, Robin,
your roll.
125
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,060
( whoops )
126
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,626
Five!
127
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,164
Another
Autobiography...
128
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,359
( whoops )
129
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:26,001
for the player to
your left, which...
130
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,596
Victoria!
131
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,268
Of course.
132
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,137
Victoria, "How many
boyfriends did you have
133
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,536
before you started
dating Ted?"
134
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,939
Wait, the card
actually says "Ted?"
135
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,080
VICTORIA:
Okay,
136
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,075
uh, well, boyfriends--
I guess I've only had... two.
137
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,018
Prude alert.
138
00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,347
Well... that's
serious boyfriends.
139
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,320
I've dated other guys
in between.
140
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,489
Oh, slut alert!
141
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:50,917
( laughing )
142
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,434
Oh, great,
there it is.
143
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,755
Thanks, Lily.
144
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,799
You're a peach.
145
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,500
( Barney yelling
and slamming tape on counter )
146
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,742
Oh, wow, look
at that.
147
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,537
Robin landed on
the Chocolate Swamp.
148
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,479
That's five
chips for me.
149
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,714
MARSHALL:
Thank you!
150
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,009
Finally somebody
understands Marsh-gammon.
151
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,551
Barney, what was on that tape?
152
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,387
Too bad you'll never find out.
153
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,692
Oh, damn it!
154
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,423
If only
I'd given you a fake tape
155
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,959
and hidden the real tape
156
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,463
in my purse.
Oh, wait.
157
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,285
That's exactly what I did.
158
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,060
- What?!
- ( buzzer sounds )
159
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:29,458
- Drink!
- Aah!
160
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,930
Yeah, you were acting so weird
about it, I gave you Ted's
161
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,569
graduation
tape instead.
162
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,844
So, should we pop it in?
163
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,372
Give it to me,
give it, give me...
164
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,937
Play the tape,
play it, play it!
Ted!
165
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,435
Fine, fine.
166
00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,937
You cannot
play it.
167
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,854
( crying )
168
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,752
Shannon!
169
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,524
I love you!
170
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,522
I love you so much.
171
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:55,386
What about us
changing the world together?
172
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,886
Don't tell me you've forgotten.
173
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,228
I know I haven't.
174
00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,333
( piano plays mellow tune )
175
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:08,696
* Will I ever see
another rainbow? *
176
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,869
* Will an eagle ever soar *
177
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,339
* Through this tempest of woe? *
178
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,009
* Baby, please *
179
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,707
* Don't go *
180
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,190
* There's a thief in the palace,
she's stolen all my love *
181
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,562
* There's a thief in the palace
and she's... *
182
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,370
Did you try
his cell phone?
183
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,972
Yeah, I left
two messages.
184
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,173
I checked the cigar club,
the Lusty Leopard.
185
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,095
He's off the grid.
186
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,211
Hey, guys,
what up?
187
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,544
Barney, where
have you been?
188
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,139
Yeah, we're-we're really
sorry about that.
189
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,750
Yeah, so sorry.
190
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,750
But seriously, what was up
with the tape?
191
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,245
No, no, stay.
Come on,
Barney.
192
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,516
Come on.
Stay!
193
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,815
I'm sorry. I don't want
to talk about it.
194
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,716
It was the most embarrassing,
and humiliating thing
195
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,288
that ever happened to me.
196
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,685
Well, we all have
embarrassing stories.
197
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,288
Sometimes it's good
to-to talk about it.
198
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,599
Oh, really?
199
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:08,901
Then why don't you tell us
200
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,032
your most humiliating moment,
Marshall?
201
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,598
Show me how good it is.
202
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,735
All right.
203
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,744
I was stopping by Lily's
kindergarten class to say hi,
204
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,737
but they were all at recess.
205
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,649
I really had to pee, so I went
into the class's restroom.
206
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,353
It was a-a smaller target
than I'm used to,
207
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,515
so I figured
I should sit down.
208
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,560
What I didn't realize was,
it was a shared bathroom.
209
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,094
( screaming )
210
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,559
I wish I'd pulled up my pants.
211
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,001
( children giggling )
212
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,335
( laughing )
213
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,242
The kids still call him
Funny Butt.
214
00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,111
Okay. I'll tell you my story.
215
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,607
Believe it or not,
216
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,049
I was not always as awesome
as I am today.
217
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,585
It was 1998.
218
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,152
I was just out of college,
and I was working
219
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,359
at a coffeehouse
with my girlfriend.
220
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,761
My girlfriend... Shannon.
221
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,634
* Yeah, you were meant for me *
222
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:17,364
* And I was meant for you *
223
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,870
* Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. *
224
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,843
Thank you.
225
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,308
All right.
226
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,184
I love your
singing, Barney.
227
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,582
And I love you, Shannon.
228
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,154
( both laughing )
229
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,052
Joining the Peace
Corps with you is
gonna be legendary.
230
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:40,085
I know. Only five short weeks
till we're down in Nicaragua.
231
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,493
Hey, nonfat latte to go.
232
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,625
Mellow order, bro,
mellow order.
233
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,759
Dude, that your g-friend?
234
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,628
All right, high five!
235
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:53,097
Sorry, I only give high twos.
236
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,566
Whatevs. As long
as you're nailing that.
237
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,496
Listen to you.
238
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,941
That?
239
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,166
You know, women aren't objects.
240
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,081
They're human beings.
241
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,212
And FYI,
242
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,576
Shannon and I have decided
243
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,945
to wait till we're married.
244
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,783
You can read about it
in my zine.
245
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,648
Hey, haircut, right here.
246
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,377
Open up your
knowledge basket,
247
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:12,651
'cause here it comes.
248
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,020
Forget that touchy-feely crap.
249
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,187
You get money, you get laid.
End of discussion.
250
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,756
I feel sorry for you, man.
251
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,225
Peace out, hombre.
252
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,533
( laughing )
253
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,755
Suits.
254
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,402
BARNEY:
Five weeks later,
we were all set
255
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,367
to leave
for the Peace Corps.
256
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,496
Only problem was...
257
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,741
she never showed up.
258
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,776
She never showed?
259
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,745
So, what happened next?
260
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,916
( sighs ):
You know what?
261
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,985
This was a mistake.
Wait. Uh...
262
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,124
What if somebody else told
their most humiliating story?
263
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,660
Oh, I know just
how to decide who.
264
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:54,055
You brought the game
to the bar?
265
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,497
Well, we're not quitting just
'cause Ted's so far ahead.
266
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,773
I was winning?
267
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,096
( gasps )
268
00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,500
Fine. I'll go next.
269
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,441
I was doing a report
on live TV
270
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,476
about a hansom cab driver.
271
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,211
Not the slipping-in-horse-poop
story!
272
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,148
Yeah, we all know that one.
273
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,012
VICTORIA:
Okay, how
about this?
274
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,851
I will tell you my
most humiliating story.
275
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,587
Yeah, Victoria,
way to step up!
276
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,423
Okay, it involves a
game of truth or dare,
277
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,358
a squeeze-bottle
of marshmallow ice
cream topping,
278
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,934
and the hot tub
279
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,903
at my grandparents'
retirement community.
280
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,232
TED:
Kids, I tell you a lot
of inappropriate stories,
281
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,398
but there's no way in hell
I'm telling you this one.
282
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,966
Don't worry, though,
it wasn't that great.
283
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:39,406
That is the
greatest story ever!
284
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,542
Oh my God!
285
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,508
Wow, wow!
286
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,246
Victoria, I deem
your offering... worthy.
287
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:52,318
My saga... continues.
288
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,555
I went back to the coffeehouse
to find Shannon.
289
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,922
Barney.
290
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,560
Sugar Bear,
where were you?
291
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,755
Oh, I'm sorry.
292
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,598
My dad won't let me go.
293
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,332
But the Nicaraguans need us!
294
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,268
It's just, he's still
supporting me, and...
295
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,795
Look, he's coming by soon
to talk about it, but
296
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,511
I think you should go on
without me.
297
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,543
Shannon, there is no...
Barney,
298
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,338
it's your dream.
299
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,250
It's only two years.
300
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,882
I know we can make it.
301
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,591
BARNEY:
As I walked away, I realized
Shannon was an adult.
302
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,794
Her father couldn't control
her life.
303
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,328
I had to go back
and confront him.
304
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,073
She was in the middle
305
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,201
of a heated argument
with her dad.
306
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:48,935
ALL:
What?!
307
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,979
( buzzer sounds )
308
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,884
Now we all got to drink.
309
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,353
Oh, my God.
310
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,361
What happened next?
311
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,392
I don't know, guys.
312
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,928
Okay, okay.
313
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,604
Marshall's mom
sent us cookies...
314
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:09,901
Lily, no!
315
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,803
For the team, Marshall,
for the team.
316
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,196
Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily.
317
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,508
Thank you so much
for the delicious cookies.
318
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,241
Mayonnaise.
319
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,437
Really?
320
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,438
Never would have guessed.
321
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,580
Well, I will definitely
give Marshall a kiss for you.
322
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,746
Okay. Take care.
323
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,245
Oh, crap.
324
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,617
My mom sent cookies?
325
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,424
Yeah.
326
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:37,016
I wish we had a dog,
so they wouldn't go to waste.
327
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,830
So we've got the whole
place to ourselves.
328
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,593
I'm thinking
329
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,761
floor sex.
Sounds reasonable.
330
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,869
LILY:
Ooh, floor's cold.
331
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:52,236
Grab that afghan your mom made.
332
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,705
The whole time?
333
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,784
The... whole... time.
334
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,047
Barney, that was really
embarrassing for both of us.
335
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,575
We just earned a
huge chunk of story.
336
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,420
Right.
337
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,385
So where was I?
338
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,623
Oh, yeah.
339
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,987
Shannon was sucking face
with her dad.
340
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,395
How can...
341
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,866
With your dad?
342
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,104
I mean, I know
343
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:25,739
judge not lest ye be judged,
but gross!
344
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,535
Barney, that's not my dad.
345
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,037
His name's Greg. I've been
seeing him for a few weeks.
346
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,910
I was hoping you'd just leave,
and we could avoid all this.
347
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,021
We're breaking up?
348
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,953
But what about the Peace Corps?
349
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,048
Yeah, all this granola business,
it was just a phase.
350
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,559
Greg's older.
351
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,033
He's successful.
352
00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,862
He buys me all this cool stuff.
353
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,858
But I love you.
354
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,530
But he has a boat.
355
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,604
You should go
to the Peace Corps
356
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,309
and forget about me.
357
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,475
BARNEY:
I didn't go.
358
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:07,253
That night, I recorded my video
and mailed it to Shannon.
359
00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,554
I didn't see her
until a week later.
360
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,120
There's sugar in the basket.
361
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,794
Shannon!
362
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,685
Shannon, you came back!
363
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,487
I'm just picking up
my last paycheck.
364
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,789
Oh.
365
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,030
Did you... did you get my tape?
366
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,667
Oh, she got the tape.
367
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,473
You?
368
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,766
It was you?
369
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:33,937
* Will I ever see
another rainbow *
370
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,107
( laughs )
371
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,153
( laughing )
372
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,351
( sobbing )
373
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,340
( ominous march music playing )
374
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,056
Oh, you poor thing.
375
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,963
The story's not over.
376
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,755
I did see Shannon one more time.
377
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:00,686
When?
378
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,660
( buzzer )
379
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,128
Sorry.
380
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,071
You've got to tell us.
381
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,503
I don't know,
I think I might need
382
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,398
one last story
to get me through it.
383
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,605
Fine.
384
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,684
Um... oh!
385
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:16,982
The green testicle story.
386
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,884
So I was playing
ultimate frisbee in college
387
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,745
and there was this barefoot dude
with weirdly sharp toenails...
388
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,954
Oh, come on, Ted!
389
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,616
You know what story
I want to hear.
390
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,024
Everyone else here
391
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,986
has manned up tonight
and told the truth.
392
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,355
Why can't you?
393
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,362
You're right.
394
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,625
Victoria, I'm sorry
I haven't told you this yet,
395
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:39,595
but a while back,
I was kind of into Robin.
396
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,236
In fact, on our first date,
397
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,742
I might have said, "I love you."
398
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,640
Understandably,
she freaked out and I left.
399
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,709
But unfortunately...
400
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,211
...the night
did not end there.
401
00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,291
TED:
We all ended up at the bar
with our cab driver Ranjit.
402
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,251
To one hell of a night!
403
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,090
( chuckling )
404
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,486
And I drank...
405
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,658
a lot.
406
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,529
So you guys think
I should have kissed her?
407
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,025
Well, I'll tell you what,
408
00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:17,641
I'm gonna go kiss her
right... now.
409
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,114
Yes! Do it!
410
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,572
To the cab.
411
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,240
( chuckles )
412
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:39,187
( vomiting )
413
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,259
ROBIN:
Hello?
414
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,597
Is someone out there?
415
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,343
( groans )
416
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,314
You ralphed and ran?
417
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,107
I thought you were
vomit-free since '93.
418
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,177
So that was a lie?
419
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,277
You re-returned for me.
420
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,652
That's really sweet.
421
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,387
Though you kind of ruined my
customized Scherbotsky doormat.
422
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,694
( whispers ):
Sorry.
423
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,415
It's okay.
424
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,691
Victoria, I know
this must be...
425
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,629
Yeah.
426
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,533
It kind of is.
427
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,268
Wow, Ted, you were right.
428
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,633
You shouldn't have
told that story.
429
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,373
But you did earn yourself
the right to the end of mine.
430
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,139
We fast-forward
eight years into the future.
431
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,109
Wait, eight years--
that's, that's this year.
432
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:36,179
Marshall, not only is it
this year, it's tonight.
433
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,558
Hi.
434
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,458
Barney?
435
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:50,829
Hi, Shannon.
436
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,797
What are you doing here?
437
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,365
Just listen.
438
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,274
When you left me
for that guy Greg,
439
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,836
it changed me.
440
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:00,335
Now I'm this.
441
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,341
I-I know this is crazy.
442
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,480
It's just, you were once
such a big part of my life.
443
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,105
And it just seemed insane that
you didn't know who I am now.
444
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,821
So here I am.
445
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,823
BARNEY:
And then she told me
about her life.
446
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:17,316
She and Greg dated for a while
and then split up.
447
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,260
BARNEY:
But here's
the real kicker:
448
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,456
Shannon's a mom.
449
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,258
She has a little kid named Max.
450
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,100
That's crazy.
451
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,665
That could have been my kid.
452
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,301
But instead, what do I have?
453
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,011
My whole life's
some money in the bank,
454
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:37,382
some suits in my closet and
a string of one-night stands.
455
00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:39,951
Hey.
456
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,352
Come on.
I mean, just because
457
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,054
her life went one way
and yours went another,
458
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,516
it doesn't make
your life any worse.
459
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,188
My life rocks!
460
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,334
Money, suits and sex.
461
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,733
These are tears of joy!
462
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,102
BARNEY:
I could be cooped up
463
00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,433
in some tiny apartment changing
some brat's poopy diapers.
464
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,270
But instead, I'm out in the
world being awesome 24-7, 365!
465
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,937
You let me dodge a bullet,
Big Guy.
466
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,711
Plus, here's the mini-cherry
on top of the regular cherry
467
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,377
on top of the sundae of
awesomeness that is my life.
468
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,216
After Shannon and I talked,
I nailed her.
469
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,786
Nope.
Yeah.
470
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,151
Nope.
Yeah.
471
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,749
Sorry. Don't buy it.
You're making it up.
472
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:22,821
You're just trying
473
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,459
to cover the fact
that you actually had
474
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,494
a profound moment of doubt
475
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,628
about yourself and...
476
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,193
( Shannon moans )
Oh, my God.
477
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,361
Oh, Barney!
478
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,729
Video's pretty good
on this phone, huh?
479
00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,198
Is your phone on?
480
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,796
BARNEY:
Oh, no. It just takes a while
481
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,097
to power down.
482
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,338
Ew, gross.
483
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,314
Just stop it.
484
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,511
( chuckles )
485
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,009
Ladies, gentlemen...
486
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,484
Ted.
487
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:45,754
This has been
488
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:46,712
a wonderful evening.
489
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,009
I got great dirt
on all you guys.
490
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,780
I got Ted to tell the re-return.
491
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,387
I finally nailed Shannon!
492
00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:54,352
Told her I'd call her tomorrow.
Yeah, right.
493
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,955
And I rediscovered just how
awesomely awesome my life is.
494
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,355
Peace out, hombres!
495
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,703
I think Barney just
won game night.
496
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,900
TED:
We spend so much effort
497
00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,469
trying to keep
parts of our lives hidden,
498
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,868
even from our closest friends.
499
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,610
But those rare times
when we do open up,
500
00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:19,847
it's amazing how minor those
secrets all end up seeming.
501
00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:21,582
* Right? Right? *
502
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,378
* You've got to want *
503
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,550
* To rearrange *
504
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,487
* And keep it off the record *
505
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,523
* Off the record *
506
00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,787
* You've got to know... *
507
00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,326
Of course, not every secret
was told that night.
508
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:36,402
But that's getting
ahead of the story.
32354
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
