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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Boy, what a sale, huh?
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Yeah.
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And all you needed was cottage cheese.
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Oh, guess what I forgot.
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Boy, how could I be so dumb?
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Shh.
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Rob's sleeping.
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Oh, well, you don't have to shush me.
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If Rob is sleeping on the weekends, nothing can wake him.
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How could I forget the cottage cheese?
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I hope they got the cookies.
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Hey, Mom, did you get the cookies?
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LAURA: After lunch.
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Hey, what's this?
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I told you.
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My new book of fun games.
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My mom never buys me anything.
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She just brings me over here.
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Hey, you want to play this where you find the presidents'
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faces hidden in the trees?
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No.
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I already found all them.
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Lincoln is in the bush.
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Yeah, they always put him in the bush.
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Hey, a connect the dots game.
29
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I can use my new black magic pen.
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It writes on anything.
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Let me use it.
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No, it's mine.
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You connect the dots on that page, and I'll do this one.
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We'll race.
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Dopey stupid.
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That's the eye.
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You're not supposed to connect a person's eye.
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I do it my way.
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Dopey stupid.
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I'm rubber, and you're glue.
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And everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
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When out with your mother,
do you still have to use the ladies' room?
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Not since I'm five.
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Gilbert's mother still takes him.
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That's dumb.
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Look.
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Mine's Popeye.
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Mine's Santa Claus.
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With a scar.
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That's 'cause you connected the eye.
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Aw, nuts, there's no more dot games.
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No, only two.
53
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I wanted to do more.
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Dopey stupid book.
55
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Hey, can I some candy?
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Not unless you take that back about my book.
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OK.
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It's a great book.
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No.
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It's dopey stupid.
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Say, your dad sure has a lot of freckles.
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Only on his back.
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The rest of him is clean.
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Hey, these freckles look just like the dot game.
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They haven't got numbers.
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I bet you I can connect them, anyway.
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Yeah?
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Maybe we'd get a picture.
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Or a whipping.
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Do you get hit?
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No, but they keep promising.
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He wouldn't get mad.
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It's not like breaking something.
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OK.
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But you do it.
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I'll do it easy so I don't wake him up.
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He never wakes up on Saturdays.
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Let's see.
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If I connect freckle number one
to the next freckle, number two.
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Boy, that pen works good.
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Cut it out, honey.
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(QUIETLY) Look what it's coming out to be.
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Yeah.
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Wow.
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I told you we'd get a picture.
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Just like the one in the school books.
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Ritchie, I-- what are you doing?
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I didn't do it.
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Freddie did it.
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What did he do?
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I'll kill him.
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Ritchie, dear, you don't draw on people's backs.
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You, either, dopey stupid.
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We didn't draw.
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We connected the freckles.
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Oh, come on, Ritch.
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You didn't connect those freckles.
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You just drew it there.
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Honest, Mom.
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He connected the freckles just like the dot game.
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Hey, there are freckles under the ink.
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Laura, will you look at that?
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I never knew Rob had that on his back.
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I can't believe it.
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Freddie must have just drawn it there.
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Freddie, tell the truth for once in your life.
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Did you draw it or not?
108
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I just connected the freckles.
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You know, I can see freckles under the black line.
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I told you.
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Go eat some cookies.
112
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What about lunch?
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After the cookies.
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Well, there's just no doubt about it, Millie.
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It's a perfect picture of the Liberty Bell.
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MILLIE: It's even cracked.
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You know, Laura, your husband has a very unusual back.
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We ought to get a picture of that
before Rob wakes up and smudges it.
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What for?
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What for?
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It's living history.
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I mean, who knows, when he gets old and his back's
all wrinkly, and you can't see the bell anymore,
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you'd be glad you had a picture of it.
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Where's the camera?
125
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Well, that's so silly.
126
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It's in the bedroom.
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Gee, I thought it was here in the closet.
128
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Oh, watch it, Millie.
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Watch it.
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[crashing]
131
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Oh, darn.
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[groaning]
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Books, suitcases, tennis rackets, no camera.
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Boy, what a dopey stupid house.
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Maybe it's in the-- He's gone.
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Rob?
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Oh, boy.
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I hope he didn't take a shower.
139
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What, honey?
140
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Oh, good.
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It's still there.
142
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I'm going to get my camera.
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OK.
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What was that all about?
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Well, it's about your back.
146
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What about my back?
147
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Well it's-- it's a very nice back, Rob.
148
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Uh, did anyone ever say anything to you about it?
149
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No.
150
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I-- I never had any real discussions about my back.
151
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It's just always been there when I needed it.
152
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Just a plain old back, huh?
153
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Yeah.
154
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You want to bet?
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Honey, have you and Millie been in the
cooking sherry or something? - No, Rob.
156
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It's just that-- well, you've got a very unusual
back, and I'm proud to be married to it.
157
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Oh, boy, you and Millie-- you've
been-- [speaking gibberish] right?
158
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Darling, Ritchie and Freddie were
playing this connect the dot game.
159
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And-- well, they saw you lying there
on the couch asleep and-- Yeah?
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They saw your
freckles, and-- And?
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They connected them.
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[laughter]
163
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What?
164
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They connected my freckles?
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- Yeah. - Where?
166
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I-- Well, it's on your back.
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[laughter]
168
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What'd I get?
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A "kick me" sign or something? - No, no.
170
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They got a picture.
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A picture?
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What of?
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The Liberty Bell.
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[laughing]
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The famous one?
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A dead ringer.
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Ha!
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No, I mean, you said it, Rob.
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Well, take a look.
180
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Well, that's impossible.
181
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Why don't you take a look in the mirror in the bedroom?
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You're kidding me.
183
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I'm not, Rob.
184
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Even the kids recognized it.
185
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[laughing]
186
00:06:39,972 --> 00:06:41,474
Well?
187
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Ding dong.
188
00:06:46,579 --> 00:06:48,113
Here's the picture Millie took of it.
189
00:06:48,214 --> 00:06:49,415
- Ah. - Yeah.
190
00:06:49,515 --> 00:06:51,517
Boy, I'm so impressed, I can't think of a joke.
191
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You will.
192
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Hey, Rob, this is pretty wild.
193
00:06:54,487 --> 00:06:56,655
But how can I be sure that that's really your back?
194
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Because that's my head.
195
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Oh.
196
00:07:00,292 --> 00:07:01,760
Hey, you know why I can't think of a joke?
197
00:07:01,861 --> 00:07:03,963
Because nobody ever brought up the subject before.
198
00:07:04,063 --> 00:07:04,930
But I'll think of one.
199
00:07:05,030 --> 00:07:06,065
Yeah, keep punching.
200
00:07:06,165 --> 00:07:07,366
Yeah, this is a real challenge.
201
00:07:07,466 --> 00:07:09,068
It's pretty unusual, I'll have to admit.
202
00:07:09,168 --> 00:07:10,636
What's unusual about a bell on your back?
203
00:07:10,736 --> 00:07:12,938
My brother got a landlord on his back.
204
00:07:13,038 --> 00:07:14,106
[laughing]
205
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That's one. - Hey, Rob.
206
00:07:15,674 --> 00:07:16,509
Come on.
207
00:07:16,609 --> 00:07:17,943
Let-- let me see the bell for real.
208
00:07:18,043 --> 00:07:18,978
You saw the picture.
209
00:07:19,078 --> 00:07:19,912
Yeah, but I mean in the flesh.
210
00:07:20,012 --> 00:07:20,946
No, Sal, I washed it off.
211
00:07:21,046 --> 00:07:22,681
Oh, come on, Rob, please.
212
00:07:22,781 --> 00:07:26,919
Hey, Rob, when you bend over, does the bell go clang clang?
213
00:07:27,019 --> 00:07:28,120
That's two. - No.
214
00:07:28,220 --> 00:07:29,455
One and a half. Hey, Rob.
215
00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:30,189
Come on.
216
00:07:30,289 --> 00:07:31,423
I can draw it, right?
217
00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:32,725
And then we'll get right back to work.
218
00:07:32,825 --> 00:07:33,726
Cross my heart.
219
00:07:33,826 --> 00:07:36,529
Sal, what if somebody comes in here
and see me showing you my back?
220
00:07:36,629 --> 00:07:39,798
Well, I'll-- I'll tell them I'm knitting you an undershirt.
221
00:07:39,899 --> 00:07:40,699
I wish I had said that.
222
00:07:40,799 --> 00:07:41,634
You will.
223
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:42,601
Come on, Rob.
224
00:07:42,701 --> 00:07:44,003
Are you going to bother me all day?
225
00:07:44,103 --> 00:07:45,137
- Yes, I am. - All right.
226
00:07:45,237 --> 00:07:46,171
All right. Here.
227
00:07:46,272 --> 00:07:47,106
Lay back, right here.
228
00:07:47,206 --> 00:07:48,541
Go ahead.
229
00:07:48,641 --> 00:07:49,909
It's that clump of freckles right over in there.
230
00:07:50,009 --> 00:07:50,943
OK.
231
00:07:51,043 --> 00:07:52,545
I never had a bell on my back.
232
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:53,979
I've had a frog in my throat.
233
00:07:54,079 --> 00:07:54,947
Hey, hey.
234
00:07:55,047 --> 00:07:55,848
Hey, that's three.
235
00:07:55,948 --> 00:07:56,782
Nope.
236
00:07:56,882 --> 00:07:58,050
Two and a half.
237
00:07:58,150 --> 00:07:59,184
Hey, Rob.
238
00:07:59,285 --> 00:08:01,654
This part doesn't seem right here.
239
00:08:01,754 --> 00:08:03,289
- Did you use all the freckles? - Oh, wait.
240
00:08:03,389 --> 00:08:04,623
Wait, wait. Oh, there's one.
241
00:08:04,723 --> 00:08:05,691
Yeah.
242
00:08:05,791 --> 00:08:07,526
Hey, you ought to number them, you know?
243
00:08:11,297 --> 00:08:12,197
Hey, Rob.
244
00:08:12,298 --> 00:08:15,267
You got a bell on your back.
245
00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:17,002
Remember when I told you you had two and a half.
246
00:08:17,102 --> 00:08:18,170
Yeah?
247
00:08:18,270 --> 00:08:19,204
Well, you only got one and a half.
248
00:08:19,305 --> 00:08:22,141
You lose a point for stupidity.
249
00:08:22,241 --> 00:08:23,042
Oh, hi, Mel.
250
00:08:23,142 --> 00:08:24,410
[laughing]
251
00:08:24,510 --> 00:08:25,945
I guess this looks a little crazy, doesn't it?
252
00:08:26,045 --> 00:08:26,979
No, no, no.
253
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:28,280
My secretary told me about it.
254
00:08:28,380 --> 00:08:30,382
Isn't that the weirdest thing you've ever seen?
255
00:08:30,482 --> 00:08:31,684
Outside of his head.
256
00:08:34,186 --> 00:08:35,588
It is a little unusual.
257
00:08:35,688 --> 00:08:38,791
But I am sure that you could get some kind of a
picture from anybody's back if you join the freckles.
258
00:08:38,891 --> 00:08:39,992
I got an idea.
259
00:08:40,092 --> 00:08:43,495
Maybe if we hook up all the freckles on your head,
if we connect them, it might look like hair.
260
00:08:46,832 --> 00:08:49,134
Mel, you mean, this-- this doesn't surprise you?
261
00:08:49,235 --> 00:08:51,003
Mother Nature never shocks me.
262
00:08:51,103 --> 00:08:53,372
Oh, it sure must have shocked your father and mother.
263
00:08:56,175 --> 00:08:57,009
Hey.
264
00:08:57,109 --> 00:08:57,977
That one don't count.
265
00:08:58,077 --> 00:08:59,211
I just threw that one in.
266
00:08:59,311 --> 00:09:00,112
Well, throw it back.
267
00:09:00,212 --> 00:09:01,480
Hey, Rob.
268
00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:02,648
Take a deep breath. - Why?
269
00:09:02,748 --> 00:09:03,983
No. Come on.
270
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:05,250
Just take a deep breath. All right.
271
00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:06,285
You see?
272
00:09:06,385 --> 00:09:07,586
You see when he breathes deep?
273
00:09:07,686 --> 00:09:09,154
You see how the crack in the bell widens?
274
00:09:09,255 --> 00:09:10,623
Oh, Sal.
275
00:09:10,723 --> 00:09:13,759
It certainly is a remarkable
effect-- Take your hands off there.
276
00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:15,060
That's what ruined the first one.
277
00:09:17,630 --> 00:09:18,564
Congratulations, Rob.
278
00:09:18,664 --> 00:09:20,466
You're a freak of the week.
279
00:09:20,566 --> 00:09:22,034
I'm not, either.
280
00:09:22,134 --> 00:09:24,870
I just happen to be artistically and patriotically freckled.
281
00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:26,038
[knocking]
282
00:09:26,138 --> 00:09:26,939
- Is this the writing room? - Yeah.
283
00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:28,207
What is it?
284
00:09:28,307 --> 00:09:32,478
Oh, well, uh, we're with the stage crew, and we
want to see that geek with the Liberty Bell.
285
00:09:32,578 --> 00:09:33,912
Hey, it'll cost you 10 cents to look.
286
00:09:34,013 --> 00:09:35,748
OK, Rob, it's showtime.
287
00:09:35,848 --> 00:09:36,782
Ta-da.
288
00:09:42,121 --> 00:09:43,088
Feel any better, honey?
289
00:09:43,188 --> 00:09:44,957
I'm still stiff.
290
00:09:45,057 --> 00:09:46,725
Maybe you ought to see a doctor.
291
00:09:46,825 --> 00:09:47,826
What?
292
00:09:47,926 --> 00:09:51,830
And tell him that I got a kink in my back from
letting hundreds of people look at my Liberty Bell?
293
00:09:51,930 --> 00:09:53,132
It wasn't hundreds.
294
00:09:53,232 --> 00:09:54,299
It sure seemed like it.
295
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,635
Half of them wanted to redraw it.
296
00:09:56,735 --> 00:09:57,436
Yoo-hoo.
297
00:09:57,536 --> 00:09:58,637
- Hi, Mil. - Hi.
298
00:09:58,737 --> 00:09:59,471
Hi.
299
00:09:59,571 --> 00:10:00,906
Well, how's the old back, Rob?
300
00:10:01,006 --> 00:10:01,840
Old.
301
00:10:01,940 --> 00:10:02,808
Want some coffee?
302
00:10:02,908 --> 00:10:03,876
No, thanks.
303
00:10:03,976 --> 00:10:06,178
I just came over to read Rob something.
304
00:10:06,278 --> 00:10:11,050
"A man in Tibet had a needle through his nose for 15 years."
305
00:10:15,587 --> 00:10:16,955
Well, stop staring at me.
306
00:10:17,056 --> 00:10:18,057
It's no joke.
307
00:10:18,157 --> 00:10:19,425
It's an "Odd but True."
308
00:10:19,525 --> 00:10:21,727
You know, the column with all the weird facts?
309
00:10:21,827 --> 00:10:23,095
Listen to this.
310
00:10:23,195 --> 00:10:29,168
"In India, a prince has a tree in his backyard that cries."
311
00:10:29,268 --> 00:10:31,170
Well, that's odd, I guess.
312
00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:32,271
But true.
313
00:10:32,371 --> 00:10:33,305
And sad.
314
00:10:33,405 --> 00:10:36,608
It's hard to cheer up a tree.
315
00:10:36,709 --> 00:10:41,180
You go on and make fun, but they
pay $500 to people submitting items.
316
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:42,181
So?
317
00:10:42,281 --> 00:10:44,049
So $500 is a lot of money.
318
00:10:44,149 --> 00:10:46,251
Oh, Millie, I don't think they pay that money.
319
00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:48,020
They make most of those things up.
320
00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,755
You didn't make up your back.
321
00:10:49,855 --> 00:10:53,225
Millie, are you suggesting that we send in Rob's back?
322
00:10:53,325 --> 00:10:56,128
For $500, why not?
323
00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:57,463
Are you serious?
324
00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,732
You want to submit my back to "Odd but True"?
325
00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:02,935
Well, I don't see any needles in your nose.
326
00:11:03,035 --> 00:11:04,336
Why not?
327
00:11:04,436 --> 00:11:06,271
Well, Millie, for one thing, this is-- that's not that odd.
328
00:11:06,371 --> 00:11:07,539
He's right.
329
00:11:07,639 --> 00:11:09,842
I knew you'd say that, but you're wrong.
330
00:11:09,942 --> 00:11:12,611
They want you down at their
office so they can check you out.
331
00:11:15,748 --> 00:11:17,750
Millie, you're nuts.
332
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:19,651
You had this idea the whole time, didn't you?
333
00:11:19,752 --> 00:11:22,121
That's why you were so anxious to get a few pictures.
334
00:11:22,221 --> 00:11:23,689
Boy, what a sneaky trick.
335
00:11:23,789 --> 00:11:27,760
Well, listen, if you can't be sneaky with your
best friends, who can you be sneaky with?
336
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:30,262
Besides, we'll all make a lot of money out of it.
337
00:11:30,362 --> 00:11:31,764
All?
338
00:11:31,864 --> 00:11:37,469
Well, I figured since my Freddie drew it originally,
the family would split the money 50/50.
339
00:11:37,569 --> 00:11:39,538
We're not going to split it.
340
00:11:39,638 --> 00:11:41,974
Well, you don't think it's fair to keep it all?
341
00:11:42,074 --> 00:11:44,076
Millie, I'm not going.
342
00:11:44,176 --> 00:11:45,944
Why not?
343
00:11:46,044 --> 00:11:46,845
Because I'm not.
344
00:11:46,945 --> 00:11:47,946
That's why.
345
00:11:48,046 --> 00:11:49,481
Why not?
346
00:11:49,581 --> 00:11:53,085
Millie, because-- honey, will you tell her why?
347
00:11:53,185 --> 00:11:58,991
Millie, because he-- well,
I don't know why not, Rob.
348
00:11:59,091 --> 00:12:00,559
I'll tell you why not.
349
00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:01,794
I don't know why not.
350
00:12:01,894 --> 00:12:04,530
It's-- I feel silly, I think.
351
00:12:04,630 --> 00:12:05,931
Well, it's an honor.
352
00:12:06,031 --> 00:12:06,698
What honor?
353
00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:08,233
With a bunch of oddballs?
354
00:12:08,333 --> 00:12:10,769
Odd-but-true-balls.
355
00:12:10,869 --> 00:12:13,939
Kings and emperors and princes are all in the column.
356
00:12:14,039 --> 00:12:15,207
They're all freaks.
357
00:12:15,307 --> 00:12:16,842
Well, honey, you're not a freak.
358
00:12:16,942 --> 00:12:20,946
I mean, when they're not connected, you're
perfectly normal. It's just when-- I'm a freak.
359
00:12:21,046 --> 00:12:22,848
I didn't say that.
360
00:12:22,948 --> 00:12:23,582
Listen.
361
00:12:23,682 --> 00:12:24,783
I'll tell you what, Rob.
362
00:12:24,883 --> 00:12:27,286
Instead of 50/50, we'll split 60-40.
363
00:12:27,386 --> 00:12:28,320
Millie, it's not the money.
364
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:30,222
It's-- It's what?
365
00:12:30,322 --> 00:12:31,290
Well.
366
00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:33,458
Honey, take over, will you?
367
00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:34,827
Oh, come on, Rob.
368
00:12:34,927 --> 00:12:39,331
Who knows when I'll ever have another
neighbor who's a freak-- who's freckled?
369
00:12:39,431 --> 00:12:42,267
Millie, I think you better drop
it before it gets embarrassing.
370
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:43,202
That's it.
371
00:12:43,302 --> 00:12:44,369
That's the word.
372
00:12:44,469 --> 00:12:45,804
That's the why not-- embarrassing.
373
00:12:45,904 --> 00:12:51,009
I would be embarrassed to go
into that den of-- oddballs.
374
00:12:51,109 --> 00:12:52,144
He's right.
375
00:12:52,244 --> 00:12:55,547
Millie, I would, too, with the shrunken
heads and the crying trees. Blah!
376
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:57,082
Oh, listen.
377
00:12:57,182 --> 00:12:58,884
They don't have things like that in the New York office.
378
00:12:58,984 --> 00:13:03,889
They got cute things, you know, like Rob's back and Fred Derf.
379
00:13:03,989 --> 00:13:04,823
Fred Derf?
380
00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:06,225
Fred Derf.
381
00:13:06,325 --> 00:13:08,427
You know, the guy whose name is the same backwards as forwards.
382
00:13:08,527 --> 00:13:10,195
Fred is Derf, and Derf is Fred.
383
00:13:10,295 --> 00:13:11,630
You know.
384
00:13:11,730 --> 00:13:14,633
Besides, it's worth a little embarrassment.
385
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:17,669
Buddy and Sally would never ever let me live that down.
386
00:13:17,769 --> 00:13:18,804
Well, you'll be famous.
387
00:13:18,904 --> 00:13:20,405
You'll have your name in the paper.
388
00:13:20,505 --> 00:13:24,009
Millie, I sincerely hope if I ever get my name in the
paper, it'll be because I've solved a world crisis
389
00:13:24,109 --> 00:13:25,744
or discovered a new serum or something.
390
00:13:25,844 --> 00:13:27,746
Oh, you're not smart enough to do that.
391
00:13:27,846 --> 00:13:29,248
Oh, no, I already started the serum.
392
00:13:29,348 --> 00:13:30,415
What serum?
393
00:13:30,515 --> 00:13:33,685
It removes freckles and neighbors.
394
00:13:33,785 --> 00:13:35,621
Boy, are you selfish?
395
00:13:35,721 --> 00:13:39,157
Underneath your picture it'll say
"contributed by Mildred Helper."
396
00:13:39,258 --> 00:13:40,626
Well, thanks a lot, Rob.
397
00:13:40,726 --> 00:13:42,194
Oh, come on, Millie.
398
00:13:42,294 --> 00:13:43,562
Don't be angry.
399
00:13:43,662 --> 00:13:44,463
I'm not angry.
400
00:13:44,563 --> 00:13:45,464
I'm hurt.
401
00:13:45,564 --> 00:13:46,798
Uh, don't be hurt, Millie.
402
00:13:46,899 --> 00:13:49,868
Just be disappointed.
403
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:52,371
Boy, all the people in the world that are lucky enough
404
00:13:52,471 --> 00:13:56,608
to have the Liberty Bell on their
back, it had to be you, you big freak.
405
00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:02,681
Here you are.
406
00:14:02,781 --> 00:14:04,349
What do you mean, here you are?
407
00:14:04,449 --> 00:14:05,550
You've got the big piece.
408
00:14:05,651 --> 00:14:07,920
Yeah, but you got most of the jelly.
409
00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,655
I didn't buy jelly donuts.
410
00:14:13,091 --> 00:14:14,026
Uh-oh.
411
00:14:16,962 --> 00:14:17,896
Ew.
412
00:14:22,434 --> 00:14:23,602
Maybe I ought to change bakeries.
413
00:14:23,702 --> 00:14:25,604
I think you better, yeah.
414
00:14:25,704 --> 00:14:26,939
Hi, gang.
415
00:14:27,039 --> 00:14:29,474
Well, there he is, the fabulous Mister Freckle.
416
00:14:29,574 --> 00:14:30,876
No more back talk, please.
417
00:14:30,976 --> 00:14:32,544
Hey, you know, you're pretty sneaky.
418
00:14:32,644 --> 00:14:33,845
Hey, Rob, listen.
419
00:14:33,946 --> 00:14:35,714
You better come in early if you want
to beat us to something like that.
420
00:14:35,814 --> 00:14:36,648
What's-- what's that?
421
00:14:36,748 --> 00:14:38,283
Right here, sir.
422
00:14:38,383 --> 00:14:39,384
"Odd but True."
423
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:40,319
What odd but true?
424
00:14:40,419 --> 00:14:41,320
You odd but true.
425
00:14:41,420 --> 00:14:42,254
The guy called this morning.
426
00:14:42,354 --> 00:14:43,155
Mr. Tetlow, odd but true.
427
00:14:43,255 --> 00:14:44,389
What'd he say?
428
00:14:44,489 --> 00:14:46,024
He was just confirming your 1 o'clock appointment.
429
00:14:46,124 --> 00:14:49,094
My-- oh, Millie Helper, I'll kill her.
430
00:14:49,194 --> 00:14:50,762
She's doing it all. It's all her.
431
00:14:50,862 --> 00:14:52,965
You mean to say that you didn't make the appointment?
432
00:14:53,065 --> 00:14:54,099
No. No.
433
00:14:54,199 --> 00:14:56,101
She made it, and she was supposed to break it.
434
00:14:56,201 --> 00:14:57,602
Well, what are you so mad about?
435
00:14:57,703 --> 00:15:00,839
Wouldn't you be mad if somebody asked
you to go to a place like this? - No.
436
00:15:00,939 --> 00:15:01,573
No?
437
00:15:01,673 --> 00:15:02,641
No.
438
00:15:02,741 --> 00:15:04,476
Not if I had a bell on my back.
439
00:15:04,576 --> 00:15:05,644
You're kidding.
440
00:15:05,744 --> 00:15:08,413
Rob, the $500 and a million laughs?
441
00:15:08,513 --> 00:15:09,648
A million laughs is right.
442
00:15:09,748 --> 00:15:10,983
You guys will never let me forget it.
443
00:15:11,083 --> 00:15:12,284
Oh, come on. You can have a ball down there.
444
00:15:12,384 --> 00:15:15,620
And, Rob, maybe we could get a
good sketch for the show out of it.
445
00:15:15,721 --> 00:15:17,055
You guys think I ought to do this?
446
00:15:17,155 --> 00:15:18,056
Gee, I'd do it.
447
00:15:18,156 --> 00:15:23,328
But my wife, Pickles, is kind of
odd, but she's too odd to be true.
448
00:15:23,428 --> 00:15:24,596
Well, let's see.
449
00:15:24,696 --> 00:15:28,667
The only odd thing I have is a match
set at Mussolini's Chianti glasses.
450
00:15:28,767 --> 00:15:31,603
You got those, too?
451
00:15:31,703 --> 00:15:33,071
You think I ought to do this, huh?
452
00:15:33,171 --> 00:15:39,177
Rob, who said, "A writer should try to
research and experience all facets of life"?
453
00:15:39,277 --> 00:15:40,412
I said that.
454
00:15:40,512 --> 00:15:43,849
Yeah, well, this is a pretty funny facet of life,
and it could make a wonderful chapter in your book.
455
00:15:43,949 --> 00:15:45,250
Yeah, or a whole book.
456
00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:46,718
I think the whole thing's a little crazy.
457
00:15:46,818 --> 00:15:47,786
Well, we all think it's crazy.
458
00:15:47,886 --> 00:15:49,121
That's why you ought to do it.
459
00:15:49,221 --> 00:15:50,322
Hey, are you going to call him and say yes?
460
00:15:50,422 --> 00:15:51,923
No.
461
00:15:52,024 --> 00:15:53,659
I'm going to check with Laura to see if she
wants me to share my back with the whole world.
462
00:15:53,759 --> 00:15:54,493
She will.
463
00:15:54,593 --> 00:15:55,494
How do you know?
464
00:15:55,594 --> 00:15:56,762
Because we're fellow women.
465
00:15:56,862 --> 00:15:59,398
And for 500 bucks, I'd let you walk
down Times Square in a sun suit.
466
00:15:59,498 --> 00:16:00,432
[laughing]
467
00:16:08,273 --> 00:16:10,909
She looks all right.
468
00:16:11,009 --> 00:16:12,844
Everybody seems to be perfectly normal.
469
00:16:12,944 --> 00:16:14,846
If they're so normal, what are they doing here?
470
00:16:18,483 --> 00:16:20,218
Uh, excuse me?
471
00:16:20,318 --> 00:16:21,286
Yes?
472
00:16:21,386 --> 00:16:23,688
Um, I have an appointment with Mr. Tetlow.
473
00:16:23,789 --> 00:16:25,223
Physical or factual?
474
00:16:25,323 --> 00:16:26,558
I beg your pardon?
475
00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:30,462
Are you bringing in a physical oddity
or an unusual fact for consideration?
476
00:16:30,562 --> 00:16:32,898
Well, it's-- on my
back, I have-- Physical.
477
00:16:32,998 --> 00:16:34,366
Fill this out, sit over there, and wait.
478
00:16:34,466 --> 00:16:36,968
Thank you.
479
00:16:37,069 --> 00:16:38,703
She sure didn't seem very interested.
480
00:16:38,804 --> 00:16:40,839
Well, she's probably seen everything.
481
00:16:46,945 --> 00:16:47,946
Would you like to see?
482
00:16:48,046 --> 00:16:51,616
Uh, I don't think so.
483
00:16:51,716 --> 00:16:54,653
I dug it up in my backyard.
484
00:16:54,753 --> 00:16:57,956
Honey, you smeared my place of birth.
485
00:16:58,056 --> 00:17:00,058
I thought you folks would like to see.
486
00:17:00,158 --> 00:17:02,527
He dug it up in his backyard.
487
00:17:02,627 --> 00:17:04,262
Oh, what?
488
00:17:04,362 --> 00:17:05,664
I'll be darned.
489
00:17:05,764 --> 00:17:06,731
Honey, look at that.
490
00:17:06,832 --> 00:17:07,666
Should I?
491
00:17:07,766 --> 00:17:09,234
Oh, it's only a potato.
492
00:17:09,334 --> 00:17:10,168
Only?
493
00:17:10,268 --> 00:17:12,671
It's a potato shaped like a duck.
494
00:17:12,771 --> 00:17:15,307
Oh, it does look like a duck.
495
00:17:15,407 --> 00:17:16,575
Like a brown duck.
496
00:17:16,675 --> 00:17:18,243
And you see that potato eye?
497
00:17:18,343 --> 00:17:20,679
That's just where the duck's eye would be.
498
00:17:20,779 --> 00:17:21,813
That's amazing.
499
00:17:21,913 --> 00:17:23,248
Is there an eye on the other side?
500
00:17:23,348 --> 00:17:24,082
Oh, no.
501
00:17:24,182 --> 00:17:26,017
You think they'll disqualify me?
502
00:17:26,118 --> 00:17:28,086
Well, I don't think they can have everything, can they?
503
00:17:28,186 --> 00:17:30,155
I mean, a one-eyed duck is pretty fantastic.
504
00:17:30,255 --> 00:17:31,590
Especially if it's a potato.
505
00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:32,824
[laughing]
506
00:17:34,392 --> 00:17:37,129
That's nothing.
507
00:17:37,229 --> 00:17:41,233
My dog hasn't eaten a thing in five years.
508
00:17:41,333 --> 00:17:42,601
What?
509
00:17:42,701 --> 00:17:44,136
It's odd but true.
510
00:17:44,236 --> 00:17:49,007
My little Mitzi here hasn't taken one
single bite since I got her five years ago.
511
00:17:49,107 --> 00:17:52,110
And who knows how long it had been before she'd eaten then?
512
00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:53,845
That is something. Isn't that something, honey?
513
00:17:53,945 --> 00:17:54,746
It certainly is.
514
00:17:54,846 --> 00:17:56,481
She looks so healthy.
515
00:17:56,581 --> 00:17:57,716
That's what's odd.
516
00:17:57,816 --> 00:17:59,284
She looks healthy.
517
00:17:59,384 --> 00:18:01,820
A dog that doesn't eat ought to look dead.
518
00:18:04,256 --> 00:18:05,357
Big deal.
519
00:18:05,457 --> 00:18:06,591
Let's see you grow a duck.
520
00:18:09,161 --> 00:18:12,464
Now, uh, go ahead and try to feed her something.
521
00:18:12,564 --> 00:18:13,999
She won't eat it.
522
00:18:14,099 --> 00:18:16,168
Well, I haven't got any dog biscuits on me or anything.
523
00:18:16,268 --> 00:18:19,571
Well, how about a candy bar or some nuts or something?
524
00:18:19,671 --> 00:18:23,942
Well, uh, I'm afraid the only thing I have is chewing gum.
525
00:18:24,042 --> 00:18:26,545
Honey, no dog will chew gum.
526
00:18:34,252 --> 00:18:35,287
Hi.
527
00:18:35,387 --> 00:18:37,589
I just walked here all the way from Buffalo.
528
00:18:37,689 --> 00:18:39,391
You have an appointment?
529
00:18:39,491 --> 00:18:40,225
No.
530
00:18:40,325 --> 00:18:42,494
I just took off and walked here.
531
00:18:42,594 --> 00:18:44,129
I'm out to break the record.
532
00:18:44,229 --> 00:18:44,863
OK.
533
00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:46,431
Fill out the form.
534
00:18:46,531 --> 00:18:47,599
Have a seat.
535
00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:49,000
Not on your life.
536
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:52,304
In three hours, I'll be champ.
537
00:18:52,404 --> 00:18:53,572
Oh.
538
00:18:53,672 --> 00:18:54,573
Here you go.
539
00:18:54,673 --> 00:18:55,607
Thank you.
540
00:18:55,707 --> 00:18:58,777
Just sign the one side there.
541
00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:00,612
You think he actually walked all the way?
542
00:19:00,712 --> 00:19:01,880
I don't know.
543
00:19:01,980 --> 00:19:03,281
I'd like to know how he opened the door.
544
00:19:07,152 --> 00:19:09,988
Mr. Petrie, Mr. Tetlow will see you now.
545
00:19:10,088 --> 00:19:11,323
Uh, let's see now.
546
00:19:11,423 --> 00:19:15,293
You must be Mr. Petrie, and you are Mrs. Petrie.
547
00:19:15,393 --> 00:19:17,596
Well, if we're not, we've got another item for the column.
548
00:19:20,966 --> 00:19:22,267
Now, let's see.
549
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:24,603
Who is this Mildred Helper who sent in the item?
550
00:19:24,703 --> 00:19:25,637
Oh, well, that's Millie.
551
00:19:25,737 --> 00:19:27,239
She's our next door neighbor.
552
00:19:27,339 --> 00:19:30,775
Your, uh, next door neighbor is
familiar with your husband's back?
553
00:19:30,876 --> 00:19:32,077
Well, uh, no, no.
554
00:19:32,177 --> 00:19:34,312
She just, uh, submitted the whole thing for us.
555
00:19:34,412 --> 00:19:36,214
Actually, we kind of-- we thought it was kind of silly.
556
00:19:36,314 --> 00:19:38,149
You think "Odd but True" is silly?
557
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:39,417
Well, no, I didn't say that.
558
00:19:39,517 --> 00:19:43,288
Only by observing the abnormal
can man discover what is normal.
559
00:19:43,388 --> 00:19:46,458
Why, our column has been running
almost as long as Maggie and Jake's.
560
00:19:46,558 --> 00:19:47,559
Yes.
561
00:19:47,659 --> 00:19:51,897
Oh, this is our very first "Odd but True."
562
00:19:51,997 --> 00:19:53,198
Well, what is it?
563
00:19:53,298 --> 00:19:54,766
It looks like a lamp without a shade on it.
564
00:19:54,866 --> 00:19:57,402
It's a full grown man with a head the size of a baseball.
565
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:04,376
Isn't that fantastic?
566
00:20:04,476 --> 00:20:05,143
Wow.
567
00:20:05,243 --> 00:20:09,781
Oh, uh, this is his hat.
568
00:20:09,881 --> 00:20:12,150
They-- they bronzed it, honey.
569
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,485
Wow.
570
00:20:13,585 --> 00:20:16,288
Now then, may I see your bell, please?
571
00:20:16,388 --> 00:20:17,222
Oh.
572
00:20:17,322 --> 00:20:18,890
Let's, uh, check your freckles.
573
00:20:18,990 --> 00:20:22,427
We have to, uh, investigate all physical claims very carefully.
574
00:20:22,527 --> 00:20:26,798
Oh, you'd be amazed how many people
try to put something over on us.
575
00:20:26,898 --> 00:20:28,033
Oh, oh, oh.
576
00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:30,268
Uh, uh, should, uh, Mrs. Petrie leave?
577
00:20:30,368 --> 00:20:31,002
No, no.
578
00:20:31,102 --> 00:20:32,470
I've seen it.
579
00:20:32,570 --> 00:20:35,573
I mean, it's right there where anyone can see it.
580
00:20:35,674 --> 00:20:40,145
Now, uh, you see, this pattern of
freckles right here forms the bell.
581
00:20:40,245 --> 00:20:41,846
Well, then go ahead and connect them.
582
00:20:41,946 --> 00:20:42,881
- OK. - Good, honey.
583
00:20:42,981 --> 00:20:44,015
This is for the money this time.
584
00:20:44,115 --> 00:20:46,217
Well, uh, perhaps.
585
00:20:46,318 --> 00:20:48,687
I've never done it before.
586
00:20:48,787 --> 00:20:51,456
The pen tickles.
587
00:20:51,556 --> 00:20:53,058
LAURA: Hmm.
588
00:20:53,158 --> 00:20:56,027
Now, you see, these freckles right here form the crack.
589
00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:58,229
Just a moment.
590
00:20:58,330 --> 00:21:01,566
Those don't look like freckles to me.
591
00:21:01,666 --> 00:21:02,634
Well, they are.
592
00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:03,868
No, no, no, no, no.
593
00:21:03,968 --> 00:21:05,370
They're little tiny healed over scars.
594
00:21:05,470 --> 00:21:06,905
That's what they are. - Huh?
595
00:21:07,005 --> 00:21:08,006
Rob, stand still.
596
00:21:08,106 --> 00:21:09,374
If you look, no one else can.
597
00:21:09,474 --> 00:21:11,643
Yes, they're tiny healed over scars.
598
00:21:11,743 --> 00:21:12,777
That's what they are.
599
00:21:12,877 --> 00:21:14,612
What's he talking about, honey?
600
00:21:14,713 --> 00:21:17,015
You know, Rob, I never looked at them very closely before.
601
00:21:17,115 --> 00:21:18,950
But they do look different.
602
00:21:19,050 --> 00:21:21,720
Did you ever have any tiny little
healed over scars on your back?
603
00:21:21,820 --> 00:21:23,054
Well, of course not.
604
00:21:23,154 --> 00:21:25,523
I-- wait a minute.
605
00:21:25,623 --> 00:21:27,892
In the army, I got some in the back.
606
00:21:27,993 --> 00:21:30,228
In your back, hmm?
607
00:21:30,328 --> 00:21:33,465
Well, no, I mean, I was in basic,
and I tried to go under some barbed wire.
608
00:21:33,565 --> 00:21:35,500
And you just now remembered it?
609
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,435
You don't think I'm trying to trick you, do you?
610
00:21:37,535 --> 00:21:38,737
Oh.
611
00:21:38,837 --> 00:21:43,174
We have many, many people who
self-inflict wounds just to get the $500.
612
00:21:43,274 --> 00:21:44,642
Now, wait just a minute.
613
00:21:44,743 --> 00:21:46,277
In the first place, he wouldn't do a thing like that.
614
00:21:46,378 --> 00:21:51,516
And in the second place, even if the crack is
scars, he still has a whole bell out of freckles.
615
00:21:51,616 --> 00:21:55,186
My dear young woman, I have hundreds
of freckle bells in my files.
616
00:21:55,286 --> 00:21:58,590
I even have one with warts.
617
00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:01,326
It was the crack that was the interesting feature.
618
00:22:01,426 --> 00:22:05,563
Mr. Tetlow, if you're not interested in my bell,
that's your privilege, but don't go insinuating I'm
619
00:22:05,663 --> 00:22:06,664
trying to trick you.
620
00:22:06,765 --> 00:22:07,999
I didn't even want to come in this place.
621
00:22:08,099 --> 00:22:13,738
And if you'd like my opinion, I think an uncracked
bell is twice as interesting as a baseball head.
622
00:22:13,838 --> 00:22:15,907
Not if you like sports.
623
00:22:16,007 --> 00:22:17,842
Excuse me, I-- [yelling]
624
00:22:17,942 --> 00:22:19,644
You see-- excuse me.
625
00:22:19,744 --> 00:22:21,780
Excuse me.
626
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,450
What's going out-- You know
that dog that never eats?
627
00:22:25,550 --> 00:22:28,086
Well, he just ate my potato shaped like a duck.
628
00:22:28,186 --> 00:22:30,422
She did not!
629
00:22:30,522 --> 00:22:31,523
She did not.
630
00:22:31,623 --> 00:22:32,624
She didn't eat it.
631
00:22:32,724 --> 00:22:35,960
She just chewed it a little and spit it out.
632
00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:36,995
He'll tell you it was a duck.
633
00:22:37,095 --> 00:22:38,196
Tell him.
634
00:22:38,296 --> 00:22:39,230
It was a one-eyed duck that he had.
635
00:22:39,330 --> 00:22:40,598
Well, it isn't now.
636
00:22:40,698 --> 00:22:41,566
I'm going to sue.
637
00:22:41,666 --> 00:22:43,101
I'm going to sue.
638
00:22:43,201 --> 00:22:46,271
I'll never grow another duck!
639
00:22:46,371 --> 00:22:47,939
You couldn't wait until we got home to eat?
640
00:22:48,039 --> 00:22:49,140
Dumb dog.
641
00:22:51,843 --> 00:22:54,045
Mr. Tetlow, I want to thank you for your valuable time.
642
00:22:54,145 --> 00:22:55,079
But I'll tell you something.
643
00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:56,881
I'm glad I'm not odd but true.
644
00:22:56,981 --> 00:22:58,416
Goodbye. Oh!
645
00:22:58,516 --> 00:22:59,150
[yelling]
646
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:00,084
I'm sorry.
647
00:23:00,185 --> 00:23:01,019
Sorry?
648
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:02,253
You're sorry?
649
00:23:02,353 --> 00:23:05,223
400 miles of agony, and you're sorry.
650
00:23:05,323 --> 00:23:06,191
Oh, I'm sorry.
651
00:23:06,291 --> 00:23:07,358
Let me stand you back up.
652
00:23:07,459 --> 00:23:08,827
I'm really sorry. - No, no.
653
00:23:08,927 --> 00:23:09,761
It's too late.
654
00:23:09,861 --> 00:23:10,662
It's over.
655
00:23:10,762 --> 00:23:12,297
It's all over.
656
00:23:12,397 --> 00:23:15,166
Honey, we ruined four odds but true.
657
00:23:20,939 --> 00:23:21,739
Here she comes.
658
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:22,674
OK.
659
00:23:22,774 --> 00:23:24,309
Let me do the talking.
660
00:23:24,409 --> 00:23:25,610
Well, well? What happened?
661
00:23:25,710 --> 00:23:27,212
Did they accept you? Did we get the money?
662
00:23:27,312 --> 00:23:28,346
Oh, I'm dying. I'm dying.
663
00:23:28,446 --> 00:23:29,481
Calm down. Hold it, Millie.
664
00:23:29,581 --> 00:23:30,982
They loved you. Where's the money?
665
00:23:31,082 --> 00:23:32,817
Uh, they didn't love him.
666
00:23:32,917 --> 00:23:33,918
They didn't want your back?
667
00:23:34,018 --> 00:23:35,420
They didn't want any part of me.
668
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:36,321
Oh, wow.
669
00:23:36,421 --> 00:23:37,555
What a disappointment.
670
00:23:37,655 --> 00:23:38,256
No, no.
671
00:23:38,356 --> 00:23:39,390
Not all together.
672
00:23:39,491 --> 00:23:40,525
We do-- we do have some good news.
673
00:23:40,625 --> 00:23:41,726
- Let me tell her, honey. - OK.
674
00:23:41,826 --> 00:23:43,194
What, what?
675
00:23:43,294 --> 00:23:44,896
Well, Millie, we found an even better odd but true.
676
00:23:44,996 --> 00:23:46,164
Oh, another one? You did?
677
00:23:46,264 --> 00:23:47,899
You're kidding. Can I share in it?
678
00:23:47,999 --> 00:23:49,234
Yeah, yeah, you can.
679
00:23:49,334 --> 00:23:50,869
But Rob and I are going to be the submitters.
680
00:23:50,969 --> 00:23:52,237
Oh, I don't care. I don't care.
681
00:23:52,337 --> 00:23:53,371
What is it?
682
00:23:53,471 --> 00:23:59,544
Well, we found a woman right here in New Rochelle
who nobody talked to for the rest of her life.
683
00:23:59,644 --> 00:24:00,245
Wow.
684
00:24:00,345 --> 00:24:01,479
Who is she?
685
00:24:01,579 --> 00:24:02,981
Hey, where did you find her?
686
00:24:03,081 --> 00:24:05,483
Did you tell them about her?
687
00:24:05,583 --> 00:24:06,451
Rob?
688
00:24:06,551 --> 00:24:07,285
Laura?
689
00:24:07,385 --> 00:24:09,420
Laura, why don't you answer me?
690
00:24:16,361 --> 00:24:19,831
[music playing]
47615
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