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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:02,669 [THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"] 2 00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:05,881 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 3 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:19,937 Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 4 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,606 [music playing] 5 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,446 You should be doing these exercises. 6 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,322 Why? 7 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,782 Because I hate them. 8 00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:39,957 Boy, do I feel strong now. 9 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,169 [groans] 10 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:45,838 Hey, look at this. 11 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,881 Among the guests in attendance at the opening 12 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:53,971 of the new Manhattan galleries were a prominent trial lawyer Clark Rice and his wife. 13 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,138 Clark Rice. 14 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,139 Is that your Clark Rice? 15 00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,099 Oh Rob, come on. 16 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,141 He wasn't my Clark Rice. 17 00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,977 Well, he sure wasn't my Clark Rice. 18 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,979 Well all right then, he was our Clark Rice. 19 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,022 Look, there's a picture of him here. 20 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,525 Well, there he is, old Clark Rice. 21 00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,194 Yeah, that's him. 22 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:10,320 There he is. 23 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,286 ROB (VOICEOVER): Clark Rice, huh. 24 00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:20,789 I still go boing when I think of him, but I'm improving. 25 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:24,209 I used to go boing! 26 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,336 LAURA (VOICEOVER): I'll bet Rob's still jealous. 27 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,713 I hope so. 28 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:31,341 A little jealousy is very healthy in a husband. 29 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:36,096 ROB (VOICEOVER): Oh, I should be ashamed for still letting Clark make me go boing, but I guess you 30 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:39,057 don't forget the guy who almost won your wife in a raffle. 31 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,230 [music playing] 32 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,108 Looks a little heavier. 33 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:49,526 Who? 34 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:50,485 Clark Rice. 35 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:53,614 Oh, well maybe it's the photograph. 36 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:54,656 Or his fat. 37 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,287 ROB (VOICEOVER): Who, she says. 38 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:03,415 She knew I was talking about Clark. 39 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,792 LAURA (VOICEOVER): I didn't fool him with that, who. 40 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,419 It was one of my worst who's. 41 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:12,633 ROB (VOICEOVER): I bet Laura still thinks about him once in a while. 42 00:02:12,758 --> 00:02:16,094 Clark Rice, boy that sun-of-a-gun. 43 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:22,935 If things had gone differently he'd be sleeping in this bed, married to that bed, and I was responsible. 44 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:35,155 Boy, Rob, you're some balloon blower. 45 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,575 Yeah, think I lost my lip. 46 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:43,080 Why don't you take a break and hang up the poster? 47 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,623 Oh come on, Rob. 48 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:47,167 Look, you should be happy Laura was elected Bivouac Baby. 49 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,418 It's an honor. 50 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,048 You call that an honor! 51 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,716 Va, va, Vavoom. 52 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,635 What a shape. 53 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:57,302 Come on, Sam. 54 00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:59,638 You don't have to stare. 55 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,432 Now look pal, your raffling her off right? 56 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,183 Yeah. 57 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,434 So I might be the winner. 58 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,103 Sam, you're my friend! 59 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,938 Right Rob, to the end. 60 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,690 But if I win her, that's the end. 61 00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:15,487 Uh, I think we ought to cover her up a little bit. 62 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,701 With the KP rosters? 63 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:24,580 Well, it's one way to get the guys to look at them once in a while. 64 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:28,625 Look Rob, if this is gonna bother you this much just tell Laura to give up the title. 65 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,002 Well, it wouldn't be fair Sam. 66 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,754 She was a candidate for that thing long before we started going together. 67 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,047 - Oh. - Hi. 68 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:35,382 Oh hi, Laura. 69 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,009 You got through with the rehearsal early, huh? 70 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,261 Yeah, they gave me some extra time to get ready for tonight. 71 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,345 Hi, Sam. - Hi, Laura. 72 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,263 How's Vera? 73 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:42,181 Too tall. 74 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:43,891 Ah. 75 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:49,354 Hey Laura, I'm going to be your honor guard tonight so maybe I should go shower or something, right. 76 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,356 See you later, Bivouac Baby. 77 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,111 Well, tonight's the big night. 78 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:57,362 Yeah. 79 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,448 Rob, are you upset about this whole thing? 80 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,782 No. 81 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,534 Well then, how come those papers are pinned on my legs? 82 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:03,243 Hmm. 83 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,662 No, I-- Oh. 84 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,206 A little psychological warfare there. 85 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,499 What? 86 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,542 No I, Sam was kidding around, that's all. 87 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,211 Oh. 88 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,963 Bivouac Baby, what a stupid title that is. 89 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,256 Well, you thought it up. 90 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:19,843 Yeah, but who knew you were going to be it. 91 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:25,516 Hey honey, when it comes time to meet my parents don't tell him you were ever a Bivouac Baby, will you. 92 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,351 OK, if you promise never to tell mine. 93 00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,477 You got a deal. 94 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,062 OK. 95 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,189 Well, I, I guess I'd better go. 96 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,483 Oh yeah, I guess you better. 97 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:35,692 Get all ready for the night. 98 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:36,610 Yeah. 99 00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,028 Well, I'll see you there anyway. 100 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,238 OK. Laura? 101 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,489 Hmm. 102 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,617 Look, don't get too fixed up tonight. 103 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,953 Leave the powder off or something, you know. 104 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:46,912 Eye makeup. 105 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,205 Oh. 106 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,915 Mess your hair all up and wear sneakers. 107 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,917 How about combat boots? 108 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,419 Yeah, that'd be good. 109 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,629 How about a kiss? 110 00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,259 Hey, how about a late date. 111 00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:02,135 Well, you already arranged one for me. 112 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:03,345 Yeah. 113 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,972 Darn it, I wanted to go to our spot. 114 00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,098 Our spot? 115 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,266 We don't have a spot. 116 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,100 Well, I haven't got anything to do. 117 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:08,934 I'll go find one. 118 00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,269 Oh. 119 00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:11,770 Then you're not upset about tonight? 120 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:12,688 No, honest. 121 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:13,814 Not a bit. 122 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:17,943 Well, if you are just, you know, a little bit, just remember that all the time I'm out with him 123 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:18,944 I'll be thinking of you. 124 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:20,571 Ah, that's sweet. 125 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:24,867 And all the time you're out with him I'll be thinking of me too. 126 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:25,784 Goodbye. 127 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:26,743 Oh, yeah. 128 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,786 OK, I'll see you tonight. - Bye. 129 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:28,829 Bye. 130 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:39,631 OK, gang, here it is, that moment in the evening most of us have been looking forward to, 131 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:43,510 the drawing for the winner of the date with the Bivouac Baby. 132 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,642 I bet you haven't been looking forward to it, Rob. 133 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,230 OK, here she is now. 134 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,734 The queen of Camp Crowder, the Bivouac Baby, Laura Meehan. 135 00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:03,363 Speech! 136 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:04,781 Speech! 137 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,366 Oh, uh, I think they want an acceptance speech. 138 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:10,996 Well, uh, I want to thank all of Camp Crowder for electing me, and it's a great honor 139 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:15,334 and I hope I'll always be worthy of the title of Bivouac Baby. 140 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:16,543 Thank you. 141 00:06:19,505 --> 00:06:22,883 Incidentally, the, uh, rules of the contest have been changed. 142 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,259 The two armed guards will go along on the date. 143 00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,177 CROWD: Boo! 144 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,345 So don't become a mob. 145 00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,096 I'm kidding there. 146 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:33,602 OK, now Miss Bi-, uh, Laura will pick the, uh, pick the winning card out of the bowl now. 147 00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:34,895 Let's have a drum roll there. 148 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,897 [burlesque drums] 149 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:41,527 All right, knock it off [inaudible].. 150 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,362 Let's have a drum roll in a military manner, please. 151 00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,864 [drum roll] 152 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:51,370 And the winner is Corporal Clark Rice. 153 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:52,287 HUMPHREY: What? 154 00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:53,622 Clark Rice. 155 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,040 HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 156 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:58,919 OK, let's have a hand for the winner. 157 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,171 Oh, look at our [inaudible] here. 158 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:02,422 What a worthy winner. 159 00:07:02,548 --> 00:07:04,842 Let's have a real big hand for him, huh. 160 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,263 So you're Clark Rice, huh? 161 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:10,389 No, I'm Humphrey Dundee. 162 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:11,348 Huh? 163 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,350 87th, anti-aircraft. 164 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,812 You see, Rice said that, uh, I should come up if his name was called. 165 00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:19,565 He's on guard duty, but he'll be off at 10:00. 166 00:07:19,648 --> 00:07:22,401 Well, well look, it's 10:10 right now. 167 00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:25,112 I'm afraid according to the rules, the contest is null and void. 168 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:28,490 The prize that would have gone to Corporal Clark Rice goes to the MC. 169 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,408 CROWD: Boo! 170 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,243 Boo! 171 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,452 There's Clark Rice! 172 00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:33,620 Clark, you won! 173 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:34,913 Hey, I won? HUMPHREY: Yeah, yeah. 174 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,415 No kidding. HUMPHREY: Yeah, come on up here. 175 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:37,332 Hey. 176 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:38,250 Hello. 177 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:39,251 How are you? 178 00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,836 I, uh, sorry I'm late. 179 00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:42,504 Well that's O-- that's OK. 180 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:44,214 Uh, you're Clark Rice, huh? 181 00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:47,050 I sure am. 182 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,510 Are you, I'm, you sure. 183 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,095 I'm, I'm sure I'm sure. 184 00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:50,971 I'm sure. 185 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,264 OK. 186 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:54,975 Well, uh, Corporal Rice, here's your prizes over here. 187 00:07:55,100 --> 00:08:02,900 Uh, this here's a free dinner at Lee Wong's Chinese restaurant and then here's a corsage for your date 188 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,944 and then here's $10 in cash for the-- 10 bucks, hey. 189 00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,571 And a little warning from the MC. 190 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,573 Watch it! 191 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:10,866 I'll be watching. 192 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:18,624 Well, uh, now, uh, the MC is gonna kiss the Bivouac Beauty real quick. 193 00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,709 Hey, they never did that before. 194 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:21,877 Progress, buddy, progress. 195 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,629 And don't let anybody interfere. 196 00:08:23,712 --> 00:08:25,214 Go ahead, Rob, get a good one. 197 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:26,507 He's kind of good looking. 198 00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,300 Look, It's only one date. 199 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,676 - Yeah. - Shall we? 200 00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,303 Excuse us. - Yeah, congratulations. 201 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,221 [inaudible] 202 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:34,014 Thank you very much. 203 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,642 [music playing] 204 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,105 Well, wasn't the general furious? 205 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,107 Not after they got that tank out of his office. 206 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,150 Oh, my. 207 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:50,072 You know Clark, I really wasn't looking forward to tonight at all, but I had the best time. 208 00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:51,031 Thank you. 209 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,616 Oh, and thank you for the prizes. 210 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:53,700 Don't thank me. 211 00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:54,701 You shot them down. 212 00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,329 I'm scared of guns. 213 00:08:57,412 --> 00:08:58,330 Well, good night. 214 00:08:58,413 --> 00:08:59,289 Oh, no. 215 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,624 You still owe me a dance. 216 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:02,209 What dance? 217 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,169 The one we were in the middle of when the won-ton soup came. 218 00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:05,337 Oh. 219 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,005 Well Clark, we have a rule. 220 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,465 Uh-uh, uh-uh. 221 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,467 I'm not leaving until I get my dance. 222 00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:16,348 Well, I know it's silly but the rules are, no men allowed in the USO girls' sitting room after midnight. 223 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:18,851 Oh, I'm sorry. 224 00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:22,187 Wouldn't want to break the rules. 225 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:23,438 Now we have time. 226 00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:24,565 Uh, shall we? 227 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,441 Well. 228 00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:30,112 [humming a song] 229 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,158 Um, Clark? 230 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:35,909 Mm-hmm. 231 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:38,203 I, uh, have a boyfriend. 232 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,204 Yeah, I know. 233 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,455 Petrie, that's skinny MC. 234 00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,041 Well, no he's not skinny, he's wiry. 235 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,126 Oh. 236 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:47,379 If you were my girl, uh, I would have made you pull out of the contest. 237 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:52,593 Oh well, you see, the contest was set before Rob and I started going together, so. 238 00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:57,222 Uh, actually how much together are you going? 239 00:09:57,347 --> 00:10:01,768 Well, Rob and I met and-- well, of course you have to meet. 240 00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:09,359 And we, uh, well maybe he should have stopped this date, but Rob isn't the pushy type, so. 241 00:10:09,443 --> 00:10:10,986 - Am, am I? - Oh. 242 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:11,904 Oh, no. 243 00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,405 No, I certainly didn't mean that. 244 00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:18,744 It just-- well you and Rob are two different people. 245 00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:23,874 You know, one thing I learned in law school is never to make a decision until you have all the evidence. 246 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,209 You need more evidence. 247 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,460 Evidence for what? 248 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:27,920 For my case. 249 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:32,424 Uh, you know the, uh, fortune cookie tonight said, a new person is coming into your life. 250 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:33,759 Pay attention to him. 251 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:38,305 Yeah, but you made me go through 15 of them before we found one that said that. 252 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:39,389 But we found it. 253 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:40,390 Yeah. 254 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:45,604 Laura, may I see you again? 255 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:49,775 Well, uh, gee. 256 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:50,859 Clark, I don't know. 257 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:51,777 You're not sure. 258 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,070 Kind of confused. 259 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,655 - Well, yeah. - Well, that's wonderful. 260 00:10:54,780 --> 00:10:55,864 If you're mixed up that means you'll see me again. 261 00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,533 Well no, I didn't say that. 262 00:10:57,616 --> 00:11:01,036 Laura is it fair to go on and maybe marry this Petrie guy 263 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,288 and wonder for the rest of your life if he's the right one? 264 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:05,624 Well no, I didn't say anything about marrying anybody. 265 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,125 Well, that's great. 266 00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:09,169 Then that means you're not that serious about each other. 267 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,672 Well, yes we are. 268 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:13,590 Well, I mean, maybe we are. 269 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,801 We're, you're confusing me. 270 00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:21,431 Laura, I, uh, I really would like to see you again. 271 00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:23,559 May I? 272 00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:25,644 Well. 273 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,480 Tomorrow? 274 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,816 All right. 275 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,985 [clock chimes] 276 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,153 12 o'clock again. 277 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,825 Time sure flies when you're having fun. 278 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,581 Well, uh, Laura, I had a, I had a very good time. 279 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:46,832 So did I. 280 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,167 Uh, good night. 281 00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:49,168 Night. 282 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,463 Uh, see you tomorrow. 283 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:54,339 Good night. 284 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:55,382 Bye. 285 00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,636 Laura, did he almost kiss you? 286 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,554 Worse. 287 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,514 I almost kissed him. 288 00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:05,767 Ooo, can I have Rob? 289 00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,895 [music playing] 290 00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:15,235 You're sure that's the way you want to do it though, huh? 291 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,529 Well Rob, I'm just not sure about anything. 292 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:21,658 I, I just think it would be a good idea to go out with him a few more times 293 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,953 to see how I feel about things. 294 00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:28,373 Well, you decided all this after just one date with him, right? 295 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:29,583 No, that's just it. 296 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:33,545 One date just didn't tell me anything. 297 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:38,634 Well Laura, I, you know how I feel about you and I think if there's the slightest 298 00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:42,012 doubt in your mind about your feelings you should go out with him again. 299 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,472 Well, thank you, Rob. 300 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,724 I think that's a wonderful attitude. 301 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,059 Well, it's a wonderful attitude. 302 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,603 I wish I had it. 303 00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:52,064 Now I'm gonna to tell you how I really feel. 304 00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,273 You know what I really think? 305 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:54,358 The whole thing is wrong. 306 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:55,943 100% wrong. 307 00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:57,861 Totally, absolutely wrong. 308 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:58,904 Why? 309 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,239 Why? 310 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,782 You don't see why it's wrong? 311 00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,367 No, I don't. 312 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,536 You mean you really don't see it? 313 00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:08,163 No, tell me what's so wrong. 314 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:13,252 If you don't see what's wrong, my telling you is certainly not gonna make you see what's wrong. 315 00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:14,419 I'll tell you what's wrong. 316 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:18,632 The whole thing's, it's wrong. 317 00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,467 All right, I'll explain it again. 318 00:13:20,592 --> 00:13:25,597 The whole thing is wrong, and so is your clock. 319 00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,017 Clark set it back. 320 00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:31,562 Clark set it back? 321 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:35,107 Well, it was after midnight, Rob and-- He was in here after midnight? 322 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:37,484 A few minutes. 323 00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,361 That's the wrongest thing of all, honey. 324 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,446 You can see what kind of a guy he is. 325 00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:42,656 What kind? 326 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:43,866 Dishonest. 327 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:44,825 Oh. 328 00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,703 Well after all, he knew exactly what the rules to that contest were. 329 00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:49,705 He was to have you back here at midnight. 330 00:13:52,124 --> 00:13:55,961 I was a fool not to stop that whole Bivouac Baby thing before it even started. 331 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:59,339 Rob, please, let's not argue any more. 332 00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:01,258 Oh, there's no argument at all. 333 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:02,634 No argument. 334 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,969 If you want to go out with him, go out with him. 335 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,555 Marry him, get a couple of kids, get a dog. 336 00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:07,472 Oh. 337 00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:08,807 Just be really sure, that's all. 338 00:14:08,932 --> 00:14:10,642 But listen, I can play that little game too. 339 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:14,021 There's a couple of girls in town that don't exactly think I'm Quasimodo, you know. 340 00:14:18,192 --> 00:14:20,360 Rob, your hat. 341 00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:24,323 I used to feel so sorry for those guys in the barracks that got the Dear John letters. 342 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,159 Rob, this isn't a Dear John letter. 343 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:28,243 No, it isn't, it's worse. 344 00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:29,661 It's a Dear John conversation. 345 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,246 I can't even show it to the chaplain. 346 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,623 Oh, Rob. 347 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:35,667 I still feel just the same way about you. 348 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:38,212 You feel the same way about everybody. 349 00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:39,963 I'll see you. 350 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,590 What about our date? 351 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,550 Oh, you still want to go out with me, huh? 352 00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:45,302 Well, of course I do, Rob. 353 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,345 That's the whole idea. 354 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:48,096 I wanna go out with both of you. 355 00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,348 Wonderful. 356 00:14:49,431 --> 00:14:51,391 Why don't we stop by and pick him up? 357 00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:53,602 [music playing] 358 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438 Millie, what am I gonna do? 359 00:14:56,522 --> 00:14:57,606 Hey, I got it. 360 00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:59,358 We're gonna solve your problem. 361 00:14:59,441 --> 00:15:00,400 How? 362 00:15:00,526 --> 00:15:02,069 Practically and scientifically. 363 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:03,695 Lists always work. 364 00:15:03,779 --> 00:15:08,158 We're gonna list Rob and Clark and put down all the good and bad things about them 365 00:15:08,242 --> 00:15:09,743 and score them by points. 366 00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,328 I know it sounds a little cold. 367 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,621 It's silly. 368 00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:16,542 Yeah, well sitting around being aggravated for a whole week is silly. 369 00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:20,838 Let's see, uh, Clark is handsome, boy that's for sure. 370 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:21,964 And Rob is cute. 371 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,048 Very cute. 372 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:29,346 We'll give Clark 10 points for handsome and Rob gets 6 for cute. 373 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,889 I said very cute. 374 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:33,684 OK, we'll give him seven points. 375 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,686 Now let's rate them on kissing. 376 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:36,395 Millie! 377 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,604 What's the matter? 378 00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,982 You can't categorize intimate things. 379 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:40,941 Who says? 380 00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:42,359 Boy, are you a prude. 381 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,485 Quit. 382 00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:45,070 OK, now what are their ambitions? 383 00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,154 Oh Millie, it's so silly. 384 00:15:46,238 --> 00:15:48,115 What are their ambitions? 385 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,825 Clark wants to be a lawyer. 386 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:52,327 Ooo, a lawyer, that's very good. 387 00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:54,830 That's another 10 points. 388 00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:59,459 And Rob wants to be a comedy writer, which no one knows how to be one so he'll be struggling and starving 389 00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:00,544 and probably never make it. 390 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,463 So we'll give him one point. 391 00:16:03,589 --> 00:16:05,841 Millie, you're pushing Clark. 392 00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,342 I am not. 393 00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:09,094 Well, the score is 20 to 8 in his favor. 394 00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:10,929 You know, I didn't make these numbers up. 395 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,764 Yes, you did. 396 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:14,433 Yeah, I guess I did. 397 00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:17,603 Well, they're still logical. 398 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:23,609 Millie, you can draw a heart with pencil and paper but you can't measure one. 399 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:25,694 Ooo, that's poetic. 400 00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,696 Rob wrote that to me in a letter once. 401 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,741 Let's give him another point. 402 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:33,535 Millie, this isn't gonna tell me anything. 403 00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:34,828 Yeah, I guess you're right. 404 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:37,289 You'll figure it out for yourself. 405 00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,540 I don't know how I can help you. 406 00:16:38,624 --> 00:16:40,501 I can't even keep one boyfriend. 407 00:16:40,626 --> 00:16:43,212 Boy, I wish I was built. 408 00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:45,297 [music playing] 409 00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:01,313 Oh hi, Sam. 410 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,231 What did I do? 411 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,357 Nothing, nothing. 412 00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:04,816 You're just not Laura, that's all. 413 00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:07,444 That's what everybody says. 414 00:17:07,528 --> 00:17:08,987 Hey, come on, Rob. 415 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,325 Look, maybe Laura got delayed because of the rain or, uh-- Or what? 416 00:17:13,408 --> 00:17:15,118 I don't know. 417 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:15,994 Come on, Sam. 418 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,162 You know something? 419 00:17:17,246 --> 00:17:23,168 No Rob, I don't know nothing except the guys are getting a little impatient with the pictures. 420 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:27,130 Well, where does Laura get off thinking she can hold up the whole darn army camp? 421 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:30,926 [movie music playing] 422 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,344 You don't want to listen to this do you? 423 00:17:32,427 --> 00:17:35,556 No, I must have seen this picture a hundred times. 424 00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:40,477 The only scene I liked is where all the prisoners bang their cups because of the rotten food. 425 00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,062 You think that would work in our mess hall? 426 00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,188 I don't know. 427 00:17:43,272 --> 00:17:44,857 All I know is Laura is supposed to be here. 428 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,239 Gee, you're really letting this thing get to you. 429 00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:53,323 Yeah. 430 00:17:53,407 --> 00:17:54,616 Boy, you aren't kidding. 431 00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:56,577 Last night I ran a whole reel backwards. 432 00:17:56,702 --> 00:18:00,247 The first time in history of movies a guy got up out of the electric chair. 433 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:06,086 Hey, that was a good one. 434 00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,212 It's not really funny. 435 00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:11,508 They shouldn't allow a lovesick soldier with a loaded projector. 436 00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,051 - Hi. - Hey, hey! 437 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:13,969 There she is. 438 00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:14,720 Hi, Laura. 439 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:15,846 Hey, see you later, Rob. 440 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,556 I was just saving your seat. 441 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:20,517 That's a sweetheart. 442 00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:21,894 Sorry, I'm late. 443 00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:25,230 That's OK, Laura, gave me a little time to think about what I gotta say to you. 444 00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:26,565 Sit down, will you. 445 00:18:26,648 --> 00:18:28,692 Actually, Rob, I can only stay a few minutes. 446 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,235 I have to see Clark. 447 00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:31,361 Clark? 448 00:18:31,445 --> 00:18:32,696 You went out with him last night. 449 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,656 I know, Rob, but this is something special. 450 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:36,116 Clark's going overseas. 451 00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:37,159 He is? 452 00:18:37,242 --> 00:18:41,038 Yeah, and since it is his last night, I thought I ought to see him. 453 00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:43,749 Laura, I'm all through being understanding. 454 00:18:43,874 --> 00:18:45,417 I don't want to compete with Clark anymore. 455 00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:46,460 That's what I wanted to tell you. 456 00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:47,753 It's got to be him or me. 457 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,880 But Rob, I have to say goodbye to him. 458 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:51,256 Sure. 459 00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:55,594 He gets a chance to make a great big dramatic farewell to you and he goes flying off into the yonder 460 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:59,348 and you're still here in the same condition you are now, undecided. 461 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:00,432 You gotta make up your mind. 462 00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:01,391 Now's the time. 463 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,728 Rob, he's going overseas. 464 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,814 All right, you can tell him goodbye. 465 00:19:07,940 --> 00:19:10,400 You've got exactly five minutes. 466 00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:11,527 Five minutes? 467 00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:13,111 That's right. 468 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:15,447 The warden is on the wall right now talking to the convicts. 469 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:21,495 Now, if you're not back by the time the convicts grab the priest you can forget about me. 470 00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:23,831 Robert Petrie! 471 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:25,207 That comes on at 8:40. 472 00:19:33,882 --> 00:19:36,510 She'll be back. 473 00:19:36,635 --> 00:19:38,095 They always come back. 474 00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,307 No, they don't. 475 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,308 Margie didn't. 476 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:49,189 Maybe I ought to run after. 477 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:50,148 No. 478 00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:51,149 Oh, no. 479 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,192 I'm not running. 480 00:19:52,317 --> 00:19:53,235 She'll be back. 481 00:20:00,784 --> 00:20:02,286 Millie, what are you doing here? 482 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,663 I forget. 483 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,332 Ooo, I didn't give you enough points. 484 00:20:09,835 --> 00:20:11,670 Never mind. 485 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:12,880 Laura isn't here is she? 486 00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,590 - No. - Goodbye. 487 00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:15,841 Uh, goodbye. 488 00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,179 And thanks. 489 00:20:20,304 --> 00:20:22,264 [music playing] 490 00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:29,938 Laura, where have you been? 491 00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:32,107 You were gone so long I sent Millie to look for you. 492 00:20:32,191 --> 00:20:35,444 Well, I, I went to see Rob. 493 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:38,363 What's the matter? 494 00:20:38,447 --> 00:20:39,907 He gave me an ultimatum. 495 00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:43,660 He told me to say goodbye to you and be back by 8:40. 496 00:20:43,744 --> 00:20:44,912 It's 8:36 now. 497 00:20:45,037 --> 00:20:47,664 I couldn't get back even if I wanted to. 498 00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:48,707 You don't want to, do you? 499 00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,042 Of course not. 500 00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:54,129 Rob Petrie can't give me ultimatums. 501 00:20:54,213 --> 00:20:57,591 CLARK: Laura-- Rob! 502 00:20:57,716 --> 00:20:58,842 Petrie! 503 00:20:58,926 --> 00:21:00,135 What are you doing here? 504 00:21:00,219 --> 00:21:02,304 Well, Rice here is going overseas. 505 00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:05,098 It was unfair of me to give you five minutes to say goodbye. 506 00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:06,683 Well, that's nice of you Petrie. 507 00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:10,270 I'll give you till the time Big Al gives the priest back to the governor. 508 00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:17,569 That's 9 minutes from when I left or, or four minutes from right now. 509 00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:18,570 I gotta get back. 510 00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:22,658 What was that all about? 511 00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:29,790 Oh, just more of Rob's-- Clark, let's go somewhere and find a place where there's a lot of loud music-- 512 00:21:29,915 --> 00:21:30,916 - Laura. - --and fun. 513 00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,000 Lots of fun. - Laura, sit down. 514 00:21:32,084 --> 00:21:33,502 No, I want to, Clark. 515 00:21:33,585 --> 00:21:35,587 Look, I don't want to be used to spite someone else. 516 00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:36,713 That's what you're doing isn't it? 517 00:21:36,797 --> 00:21:37,631 No, it isn't. 518 00:21:37,756 --> 00:21:38,715 Then why the sniffles? 519 00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:39,758 It's the rain. 520 00:21:39,842 --> 00:21:40,759 You sure it's not Petrie? 521 00:21:40,884 --> 00:21:41,927 Well, what's the difference? 522 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:45,931 Rain, Rob, they're both big drips. 523 00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:49,601 That was a pretty crazy thing he did, running in here and spouting off about the governor. 524 00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,446 What's with that guy? 525 00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:03,949 I don't know. 526 00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,743 I don't know and I don't care. 527 00:22:06,827 --> 00:22:09,246 I never could figure him out. 528 00:22:09,329 --> 00:22:16,003 Sometimes he seems so, and then the other times he just doesn't. 529 00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:20,841 Once he even, and for no reason, and what was I doing. 530 00:22:20,966 --> 00:22:23,760 Did I ever tell you he broke my foot? 531 00:22:23,844 --> 00:22:24,678 Well, he did. 532 00:22:24,803 --> 00:22:26,430 He broke my foot. 533 00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:32,978 You see, Rob's the kind of a guy who, I mean, I always felt that if I ever, he'd 534 00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:40,611 be the last because well, you, you're so, and, but I don't know why, Clark. 535 00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:41,612 I do though. 536 00:22:41,695 --> 00:22:43,572 I really do. 537 00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:47,993 He's just so ador-, so ador-- Adorable? 538 00:22:48,118 --> 00:22:50,204 You see it too, don't you. 539 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,835 You're in love with Petrie. 540 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,337 Oh, thank you, Clark. 541 00:22:58,462 --> 00:23:00,839 Don't thank me. 542 00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:03,467 I'm sorry. 543 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:05,469 Yeah, so am I, Laura. 544 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:12,017 You know if you, uh, set the hands on your watch back you could pretend to get to Rob on time. 545 00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,728 Thank you. 546 00:23:14,853 --> 00:23:18,023 Oh, and if any new evidence comes up I'll be waiting. 547 00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:30,536 Laura! 548 00:23:33,831 --> 00:23:36,708 Boy, she better marry somebody before I get into trouble. 549 00:23:40,712 --> 00:23:43,131 MAN 1 (VOICEOVER ON TV): Men, this the governor speaking. 550 00:23:43,215 --> 00:23:45,884 Release Father Quinn and I promise you'll get better food. 551 00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:47,177 MAN 2 (VOICEOVER ON TV): No, sir. 552 00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:48,720 You want us, you got to come and get us. 553 00:23:48,846 --> 00:23:51,473 MAN 1 (VOICEOVER ON TV): All right, gentlemen, open fire. 554 00:23:51,557 --> 00:23:54,184 [explosions] 555 00:23:57,980 --> 00:24:00,148 [music playing] 556 00:24:01,441 --> 00:24:03,151 What were you thinking? 557 00:24:03,235 --> 00:24:04,069 Oh, nothing special. 558 00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:04,987 How about you? 559 00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:06,029 Nothing. 560 00:24:11,702 --> 00:24:13,203 Good night, sweetheart. 561 00:24:13,287 --> 00:24:14,204 Goodnight. 562 00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,044 Did you set the alarm, Clark? 563 00:24:21,128 --> 00:24:22,045 Yeah. 564 00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:29,011 Honey, did you just say-- Clock, I said clock. 565 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:40,856 [THEME MUSIC - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]40797

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