All language subtitles for A.P. Bio - 01x01 - Pilot - Catfish.SVA.English.HI.C

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[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

- [HORN BLARES]
- Hey, watch out!

Are you crazy? You almost killed me!

- Oh, that was crazy, huh?
- What were you doing?

- Yeah, so sorry to scare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you going? Where you going?

I thought you wanted to talk.

Huh, you were talking before, man.

- What happened?
- [GASPS]

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

All right, everybody, let's go ahead

and start to shut up now.

Let's go ahead and start
to settle into your seats

and begin shutting your mouths.

All rights, so my name...

[GRUNTS]

My name's Jack Griffin.

And I don't wanna be here.

I am an award-winning philosophy scholar,

who for reasons I won't go in to

finds himself with a free year.

So I'm living in my dead
mom's apartment here in Toledo

while killing a little
bit of time teaching...

Advanced Placement Biology.

But here's the deal, I
do not care about biology.

We're not gonna do any biology in here.

And to be perfectly clear,

this won't be one of those things

where over the course of a year

I secretly teach it to you.

This also won't be one of those things

where I end up learning more from you

than you do from me.

I know more than all of you combined,

so, ha, that doesn't make any sense.

I'm gonna spend the majority of my time

mentally breaking my nemesis

with the ultimate goal of taking his job

as the head of Stanford Philosophy

and then I'm gonna have
sex with as many women

as I possibly can throughout
the entire state of California.

But you don't need to
concern yourselves with that.

Uh, let's see.

Feel like I might be forgetting something.

"Mentally breaking my nemesis,

"sex with every woman in
California." No, that was it.

Welcome to AP Bio.

[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]

One, two, three, four!

♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time well I'll be smart ♪

♪

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

Absolute garbage.

Put 'em down.

Look, I realize you guys are all nerds

and you want good GPAs, all right?

Is that what's going on here?

I'll make you a deal.

If you tell anybody I'm
not teaching you biology,

you get an F.

If you keep your mouth
shut, you get an A-plus.

Look at it this way.

You guys are all tired teens.

This is gonna be your
opportunity to take a nap.

And if you're not tired,

pop an Advil PM,

and you will be out, trust me.

What are you doing? Come
on, put your hand down.

I'm serious. You're months
away from being an adult,

and you need to start acting like one.

Just... talk.

My name is Sarika Sarkar,

and I speak on behalf of
the entire student body

when I express our extreme displeasure

in you not teaching us biology.

I'm sorry, could you say it again?

I believe I speak on behalf...

No, no, not that junk.

Your name.

Oh, Sarika Sarkar.

That's a great name.

I love the philosopher Prabhat Sarkar.

The entire universe exists
within the cosmic mind.

What are you guys doing?
Don't write that down.

That's not me teaching you stuff.

Who's this prince of darkness?

This your book?

- _
- Yeah? So?

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Mr. Griffin?

I think you're in trouble.

Could we, uh...

Could I talk to you out here for a second?

Uh-huh.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

♪

Could I get a new chair?

A new cha... well, I don't
know if that's in our budget.

- It's fine, forget it.
- Okay.

Forget it. What's up?

- What's up?
- Um...

Is it laundry day or...

What's that supposed to mean, man?

I probably forgot to tell you,

we sort of have a bit of
a dress code here, so...

Hey, look, Ralph, I
want to wear sweatpants.

You want to say that your school's got

a former Harvard professor
teaching at it, right?

Looks good for your school, right?

Okay, please, I wasn't
trying to be aggressive here.

Right, but what you said
to me right now, it sucked.

- Okay.
- You know, the worst part is

I was starting to like you, man.

You know, like in a buds who get
drinks once a week kind of a way.

Well, that's... that's us.

- We could still do that.
- I don't know.

I... you know what, I think you're just

blowing this thing out of proportion.

Because I'm a laidback principal.

You know, they make me wear this suit.

I don't want to dress this sharp every day,

but I have to 'cause
I'm an authority figure,

but I'm still laidback,
and you're gonna see that.

You know what,

let's forget the whole thing.

- Come here.
- All right, I... I...

- Come here.
- [LAUGHS]

That's my guy.

Do you still wanna get
that beer tonight or...

No. No, no, no.

See, I'm trying to make a
plan to bang my high school ex

as hard as I can, you know what I'm saying?

Let's use our hallway voice
when we talk about that.

Yes, I'm trying to set that up.

- All right.
- Okay.

All right.

You wrecked the sign.

That's why I came here to...

It's too late, Ralph, It's too late.

Uh, let's see a hall pass.

You were holding it, okay.

["I AM A PILGRIM" PLAYS]

♪ I am a pilgrim ♪

♪ And a stranger ♪

♪ Travelling through ♪

♪ I am a pilgrim ♪

♪ And a stranger ♪

♪ Travelling through ♪

♪ This weary land ♪

- [LINE RINGS]
- Hello.

Miles, it's Jack.

Jack, greetings from California.

Yeah, I heard you
got the Stanford job.

Also, congrats on the new book
making the bestseller list.

I'm sure you'll keep killing everything,

barring some sort of...

- mental collapse.
- _

[LAUGHS] Hey, look, I think
forcing you out of Harvard

- was an overreaction.
- _

I'm sure there's tons of
schools dying to snag you.

Yeah, no, big time.

Yeah, I'm just kind of
weighing all my options.

Look, Miles, I gotta run.

Okay. All right, mate.

Hey, listen, next time
you're out west, okay?

Jack?

Didn't drop at all.

♪ Well I got a home in ♪

♪ That yonder city ♪

♪ My lord ♪

♪ And it's not ♪

♪ Good lordy well it's not ♪

♪ Not made by hand, oh yes ♪

Yo, that's a nice backpack, freak.

Give me your backpack, psycho.

Hey, did you hear me?

You deaf or something? Give me your back...

Where you going? Come here.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

♪

Okay, so it was crazy, right?

So then my date shows up to my house

in a soaking wet T-shirt,

talking about something he
just got out of the bath.

Now what kinda grown
baby man still takes baths?

See, that's what I said.
It's like, who is this?

My husband takes baths.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, so anyway, the
date was at a full medium,

and he has the nerve to text
me, like, ten minutes ago,

talking about some, "Do a butt pic."

- Huh?
- Okay, he sounds like a jerk.

But do you want us to
take a pic of your butt?

No, no, no, no, 'cause
see, this is how I do it.

Okay, so now the dumb ones don't know

that this is an arm butt.

- Hmm.
- So then I take this.

And I just go ahead and just line that up.

Let that focus a little bit.

There we go. Little juicy cheeks.

- That looks like a crack.
- Juicy, okay.

See the new guy knows what's up.

- It's Jack, right? From Harvard?
- Yeah.

Ooh, Harvard Jack.

All right, well, have you
been out on any dates lately?

Funny you should ask,
I've actually got firm plans

to bang my high school ex as
hard as I can tonight, so...

Oh, he's gonna bang her

as hard as he can tonight.

Not regular hard. Aggressively hard.

So it seems like you're
enjoying yourself here?

God no. I'm teaching high school in Toledo.

It's terrible.

Anyways, guess what I'm making the kids do

- in my class today.
- BOTH: What?

They have to draw a
flattering picture of me

and then give it to their dads.

Ooh, yes, you know what I tell my kids.

Okay, 'cause you know how we're learning

- about recycling, right?
- Mm-hmm.

I just made them clean the trash

out the backseat of my car.

Snatch that plastic and recycle it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you saying we can make
the kids do whatever we want?

- Mm-hmm.
- BOTH: Yeah.

[BELL RINGS]

- This better work.
- Always does.

All right, everybody,

go ahead and start to shut your mouths.

Settle into your chairs.

Oh, oh, God!

This chair sucks.

Okay, listen up.

No, you listen up.

♪ You don't wanna teach us biology ♪

♪ And we know you used to teach philosophy ♪

♪ Well we think biology... ♪

Whoa, whoa, shut up, shut
up, shut up, no, no, no.

Stop. Turn the music off. Turn it off.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Take your seats. What are you, nuts?

Don't ever surprise me with a rap.

Don't ever rap about learning.

- [COUGHING]
- Oh, boy.

Oh, no.

You had a saxophone solo in your rap?

Yeah. That's too bad.

Why don't you come on
out of there, big guy.

Wanna toss that puppy in the trash for me?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Saxophones do not belong in rap music.

You were gonna make it rain, huh?

Wet notebooks part of the rap thing?

No.

All right.

Now look, I realize I haven't been

making the most of your
time, but that is gonna

start to change as of right now.

As I mentioned, I've
been trying to mentally

break my nemesis, Miles Leonard.

He currently has the job
that is rightfully mine,

and I want it back.

He seems to be winning at the moment,

but by the time we're done with him,

he's gonna be in a loony
bin begging for death.

Don't you think you'd have a better chance

of getting the job if you
focused on working hard

as opposed to trying to make him go crazy?

No, you see my actions are justified

because they produce a better outcome

than any other action
in this particular case.

It's a basic philosophy,

act utilitarianism, Jeremy Bentham.

Stop writing that down.

Now I happen to know that
Miles is currently single.

So your assignment for
today is to catfish him

on his Facebook page.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you guys waiting for? Catfish!

Write a flirty Facebook message,

you know, using a fake name.

You call yourself, like, Linda,

and we'll send the best one to Miles.

All right, look, at this
point you guys should all be

catfishing or dead asleep.

So if you Google Jack Griffin,

the first ten results are this video.

"Old dude handles slightly less old dude."

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Whoa.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [GROANS]
- _

Okay, everybody, begin to shut up.

Let's everyone shut your mouths now

and settle into your chairs.

All right, let's hear some
of these catfish messages.

- You wanna start?
- Please no.

All right. Prince of Darkness,

I see you working on something
over there. What you got?

"Dear Miles, you don't
know me but you will.

"We will marry under the
black sun of Satan's breath.

"I'll be the final face you see

"as I wrap my hands around your neck

and suck your soul into my mouth."

Wow, somebody alert the authorities.

You know what I mean?

No, I'm kidding, I'm
joking. It's great, really.

It's very descriptive.

You know, maybe just make it
a little bit more, uh, female.

You know? All right, you.

I want to hear something from you.

- "Hey, boy, you're..."
- Louder.

"Hey, boy, you're smooth

"like butter dripping off of chocolate.

"Gonna lick you up and down.

"Drip, slurp, yum.

Give me that sweet wet sugar mess."

Hmm, no. Let's do keep in mind

that this will be the first message

that Miles will be hearing
from a total stranger,

but, you know, it's a great start.

Good.

- Mr. Griffin.
- Oh!

Ralph, you snuck up on me.

Yeah, uh, I put in your
request for the new chair,

and so that's in front of the board now.

Okay, great, well, let me
know how they vote, all right?

- This is biology?
- Oh, absolutely.

Sugar mess?

Yeah, we're in the
middle of it. Take care now.

Whoa, look at the Prince of
D going strong over there.

Give us another snippet.

"And fire and blood will pour from my eyes

"as I gaze upon your ravaged body.

By the way, I am a female demon."

I see a lot of myself in you.
You are going places, Devin.

You guys are pretty good
at this. You having fun?

- ALL: Yeah.
- All right, who's next?

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Dear Miles,

"I want to make you
blush, make you feel safe.

"I want to lay next to
you and laugh until we cry.

"I want to grow old together,
and when we're old we'll say,

'I don't mind because I have you.'"

[GENTLE MUSIC]

That's what I'm talking about, guys.

Give it up, give it up.

All right, let's go home.

But we have other classes.

All right, whatever.

So that pretty much catches you up to speed

on what I've been up to since we broke up.

Um, you skipped a part, Jack.

Did I?

Well, I heard that you
got passed up for tenure,

and now no university will touch you.

I also heard that a very old guy

got you in some kind of a choke hold.

How'd I skip that part?
That's the juicy part.

What do you say we go back
to your place after this?

My boyfriend is finishing

his rounds in an hour at the hospital,

and I'm gonna actually meet up with him.

You should. Yeah, no, that's, uh...

[AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Damn it!

- Ugh!
- [PHONE CHIMES]

- ♪
- _

Oh, damn it!

God! Agh!

Okay, class, um,

Mr. Griffin is not coming in today.

According to the note we got,

he has been put in prison,

but, quote, not for life.

Coach Novak.

Textbooks out.

What?

Welcome. My name is Sarika Sarkar.

Wait, what's your name?

Sarika Sarkar.

Like the philosopher.

I'm gonna call you Sarah, all right?

Can anyone tell me where you're at?

We are...

- Ten pushups.
- Say what now?

20. You owe me ten pushups

for every time you spoke
without raising your hand.

Okay.

What the hell is this puddle?

Get a mop to dry that up
then go to the principal

and say you need a Saturday detention.

Okay, bio-logy. You
with the glasses, read.

ALL: "The cell is the basic structural..."

All right, thanks, man. I got it from here.

Appreciate it.

Listen, I've never begun a class

and not finished it before.

Good for you.

I go from bell to bell.

It's cool, man. I got it
from here though, seriously.

Okay, let me catch you guys up.

So last night I found out my nemesis Miles

got a MacArthur Genius Grant

just after my ex turned my down for sex.

So I got angry, I got very drunk,

and I went pee-pee on the
hospital where she works.

A police officer suggested that I stop.

I suggested that he pleasure me sexually.

He did not.

Instead, he hurt my
arm, and I went to jail.

So that catches you guys up to speed.

Why don't we get back to work
on destroying Miles' sanity.

Yeah, hang on.

Hey, Ralph, Devin.

You guys hang out?

No, Devin got himself arrested earlier.

They got him on public
urination and resisting arrest.

What? No way, they literally got me

for that same thing last night.

It's quotas.

Yeah, turns out Devin went potty

on the house of a boy who is bullying him.

I was literally telling the kids today

how I did a very similar thing.

Ah.

Oh, crap.

All right, so this bully kid.

He's been throwing your
backpack in the water

and stuff like that for how long?

Um, maybe a year.

A year?

And you didn't know any of this?

That doesn't look great for you, bud.

But you know what,

I think we've all learned
a valuable lesson here,

and we can definitely move on.

Ralph, give me one of those big-ass hugs.

No, I... no, I don't want to hug right now.

I think you need to
step up and talk to him.

Any other principal would have
fired you and expelled you.

All right, but I'm laidback, but right now

you two are making it very hard for me

to be laidback!

Very authoritative, I like that.

I've not seen that gear from you.

- I like it.
- Thank you.

Uh, listen, Ralph, can you give Devin and I

- a minute alone?
- Yes, yes, of course.

- Oh, I'm going up?
- Give it a sec.

- Okay.
- I did it.

All right, so look,

I haven't done a lot of these talks.

I don't have kids.

I've always been pretty good
about using condoms, you know?

Even though I hate the damn things.

You can't feel as much.

All right, look, here's the deal.

I want to be open and honest
with you kids in class, okay?

But if it's gonna start
getting us all in trouble,

then I'm gonna have to start acting

like all the other teachers.

See what I'm saying?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So next time you're thinking
about, like, imitating me

or doing anything extreme in general,

why don't you go ahead and
run it by me first, deal?

Yeah.

- Great.
- Hey, I'm still up here!

Ready to come down. This
is gonna sound crazy.

- I think I see a raccoon.
- No, there's...

It's not crazy. There's one up there.

[THE MODERN LOVERS'
"GOVERNMENT CENTER" PLAYS]

♪

♪ Well we've got a lot a lot a lot
of hard work today ♪

♪ We gotta rock at the
government center ♪

Now I'm wondering if all the times

my husband sent me pictures of his butt,

it was really his arm.

Wait, your husband sent you butt pics?

- Yeah.
- What's it look like?

- Okay, I don't wanna know.
- There's a muscle...

- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, look you.

Big man in a big chair.

Yeah, it's a massage chair.

Hmm, well, I like it.

It's like nice, soft, supple leather.

Yeah, it's pretty comfy.

Listen, ladies, I have a
little bit of a school issue

that I could use your help with.

What do you do when one of the students

- is bullying another one?
- Oh, oh, that's easy.

Okay, so you want to keep them
around each other constantly.

- Oh, yes, that totally works.
- Mm-hmm.

That's actually how we all became friends.

'Cause Stef and I would
bully Michelle, naturally,

and then Principal
Durbin started forcing us

to hang out with one another.

- Mm
- hmm, I would take one bite

out of all of her food in the fridge.

And I would sneak a few bites as well.

Yes, she did.

Then one time I set her purse on fire.

Whoo.

I lost a lot of cash.

I lost a hundred bucks.

Hmm.

Well, so... so keep the kids together?

- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.

Yeah, it's a little unorthodox,

but that's actually really smart.

Oh, it's actually really smart?

Wow, thank you for believing in us.

Okay, all right, all right.

Come on, that's not what I meant.

We've all read a book, just
want to put that out there.

- Even Michelle.
- Yep.

That's enough. I gotta get to my class.

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

- You're welcome.
- Be careful.

Gonna give him one more minute.

He'll be here or else.

Or else what?

I don't know.

All right, come on. Get in there, you.

Go, go.

Hey, everybody. What's up, Ralph?

This is Dan Decker. I'm
adding him to AP Bio.

- I don't wanna be...
- Shut up!

Go sit next to Devin, go. You, can you...

Yeah, thanks. Go, scoot.

Does his guidance
counselor know about this?

You're not the boss of me.

That's literally my job description.

All right, listen up.

Some things are gonna
change around here big time.

None of you guys are
gonna pick on each other

or I'll kick your ass.

I will literally beat you
up with my adult muscles.

And if I go and do something dumb,

that doesn't mean you can go and do it too.

Now let me hear you say that back.

We can't pick on each other

or else you'll beat us up
with your adult muscles and...

[OVERLAPPING TALKING]

...just because you do
something dumb doesn't mean...