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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Three egg yolks.
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Oh gee, I love to separate eggs.
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Why?
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I don't know.
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It's kind of fun schlepping it back and forth.
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Oh, look at that.
10
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What's the matter?
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You made a good schlup.
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No.
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I've got a double yolk.
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Now I don't know whether it count it as one or two.
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Well, why don't you save it for
breakfast, make scrambled eggs.
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Hey, that's a good idea.
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Gin.
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Hey, are they playing gin?
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No, they're playing go fish.
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Yeah, well he yelled gin.
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Oh, well that's because they think
yelling go fish is too babyish.
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I don't want them playing cards anyway.
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Hey, fellas can't you find something better to do?
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But, I owe him $40,000.
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$140,000.
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Oh, yeah.
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Say Freddie, I hope you're not taking advantage
of Ritchie just because you're older.
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He's not older.
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He cheats.
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Oh, Ritchie.
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Nobody cheats.
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Yes I do.
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He's so honest.
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OK boys.
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Come on, now pack that up, and
Ritchie, you get washed up for dinner.
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Oh gee, I got to be going home soon.
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Jerry's at a meeting.
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It's just making the kids.
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I wonder what I could defrost.
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Well gee, I'd ask you to stay and have dinner
with us, but I know you're still on that diet.
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Oh, I'm still on a diet.
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Oh, well get back on it because I don't have enough.
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Hi fellas.
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Hi dad.
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Hi, Mr. Petrie.
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Dad, can I borrow some money?
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How much you need?
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$140,000.
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$140,000?
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I lost to Freddie in go fish.
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Well Fred, will you settle for chewing gum?
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Spearmint?
53
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Yeah, spearmint.
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OK.
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OK, here's some for you too Rich.
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But he you lost!
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It matters not whether you win or
lose, it's how you play the game.
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Bye, dad.
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Bye.
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Oh, hi, Mil. - Hi, Rob.
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- Hi, honey. - Hi, darling.
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Hey, you've got to do something about your son.
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I cannot keep paying off his gambling debts.
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Hey, what's That Oh, it's something
special to go with the roast.
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Bearnaise sauce.
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Overcooked the meat again, huh?
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No, I'm just trying a cheaper cut.
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Oh, well you should have had steak today.
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I had such a day today.
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We had a beautiful sketch, Al was in a great mood.
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Oh hey, let me ask you something.
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You think this does anything for me?
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No, but it's doing quite a lot for Millie.
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You're not going to wear that.
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No, I bought it as a gag for Mel Cooley.
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He just became a director.
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Of the alan Brady show?
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Oh, no he's going to direct an automobile commercial for us.
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My goodness, Mel Cooley a director?
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I bet my Buddy had a thing or two to say.
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Oh, oh, he said he was going to hang
around the studio with a sword in his hand
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and wait for Mel to yell cut.
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Well, for Mel's sake, I hope he approves all of you wrong.
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He's got a lot of good ideas.
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Matter of fact, they want a kid for the
commercial instead of using a professional.
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He wants to use a real kid, a non professional.
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He asked about Rich, of course.
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He wants Ritchie?
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Hey, Ritchie on television?
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Gee, that'd be great.
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What would he have to do?
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Oh, just wear a baseball suit, talk about cars.
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Oh gee, that sounds like a cute idea.
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Yeah, how much would he get paid?
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Nothing, because I'm not going to do it.
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MILLIE: You mean you turned it down?
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You did? - Of course.
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Well, why?
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Ritchie's a real kid.
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Well yeah.
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And I want him to stay that way.
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Well, honey didn't you want me to turn it down?
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Oh, no it's just that I would have liked to
enjoy the moment a little longer that's all.
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ROB PETRIE: What moment?
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Well, contemplating our son as a television star.
106
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Oh, come on honey, we decided a long time ago that
one person in show business in this house is enough.
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Yeah, well I want him to have a normal childhood too.
108
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Then what are you being so indefinite about it for?
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Well no, I'm not being indefinite Rob.
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It's-- Well, you just threw the
whole thing at me so all of a sudden.
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Sorry, honey.
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Do you want to think about it?
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No, no, no you're right.
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One member of the family in show business is plenty.
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Yeah, that's the way I feel about Freddy being a dentist.
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Uh, well listen, did Mel find a real kid yet?
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No, not yet.
118
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I don't think anybody in our business knows one.
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Well, you know, sometimes there are
real kids right under your very nose.
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Yeah, that is true.
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Listen, did you see the Halloween play two years
ago when my Freddy played the mean pumpkin?
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No, no I missed that.
123
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You know what I'm thinking?
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Freddy would be good for the part.
125
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I think so too.
126
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You think what so too?
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What Rob just said.
128
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That Freddy would be great in the part.
129
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Rob didn't say that.
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You don't think he'd be great in the part?
131
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No, no I do, I do.
132
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Well, listen, I mean he's not a relative, and
his father father's not in show business.
133
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It'd be the thrill of his life.
134
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Millie, I'm afraid it isn't that thrilling.
135
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Well, not for your family maybe.
136
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But for Freddy, well,
I mean unless you think he can't do it.
137
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Oh no, he could do it.
138
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Oh Rob, that's wonderful.
139
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Listen, you're not going to be sorry.
140
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Freddy, Freddy!
141
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Yes mom?
142
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Guess what!
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You get to be on television!
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- On television? - Yeah.
145
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Do I miss school?
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Yeah, and you get to wear a baseball uniform.
147
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Oh, neato!
148
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What's neato, Freddy?
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I'm going to be on TV, and wear
my baseball suit, and miss school!
150
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Yeah, come on home.
151
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I'll tell you all about it.
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Freddy's going to be on TV and miss
school, and wear his baseball uniform?
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What am I going to wear?
154
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Well, you'll wear-- Hey,
how about let's go get a chocolate soda.
155
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I'm gonna wear a chocolate soda?
156
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No, no!
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You're going to drink one.
158
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Darling, before dinner?
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Well, no.
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After dinner.
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You'll have-- We'll have a chocolate soda, huh?
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You go wash up first.
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Well, what am I going to wear?
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We'll talk about it. You wash up.
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OK.
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Uh.
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You married a big mouth.
168
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A big mouth! - Right.
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Ah.
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Oh, Rob, it's one thing not to let Ritchie do the commercial,
171
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but then to give the part to his best friend.
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Honey, I know what I did.
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Just help me undo it.
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I don't know what to-- What
are his friends going to think?
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You know what it looks like?
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It looks like his own father doesn't have any faith in him.
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What?
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I have faith in him.
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I know.
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But, what are the people going to say at the supermarket?
181
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How often does he go to the supermarket?
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He doesn't, but I do!
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It would be different if Freddy were a complete stranger.
184
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I don't know honey.
185
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There's only one solution.
186
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Freddy cannot do that commercial.
187
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Go next door and tell Millie.
188
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Not unless we intend to move.
189
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Honey, I'm beginning to feel trapped here.
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It was just supposed to be a commercial about a
little boy throwing a ball against the wall talking
191
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to himself.
192
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Yeah, but to Ritchie it's a little
boy in a baseball suit missing school.
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I know it.
194
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Wait a minute, wait a minute.
195
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Oh Darling, did you come up with something good?
196
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Is it good? Is it?
197
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What? - We can use Ritchie.
198
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,257
What's he going to play, the wall?
199
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:06,468
No honey, Ritchie will play another kid.
200
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:10,264
Instead of Freddy throwing a ball against the
wall, he can throw it back and forth to Rich.
201
00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:12,891
Well, the wall didn't have any lines, did it?
202
00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:14,226
Well, no but I'll give Ritchie some.
203
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,602
I'll rewrite it and give him some.
204
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How many is some?
205
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Yeah, you're right.
206
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,898
I've better make sure they have equal parts.
207
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:23,402
Well, no they don't have to be exactly equal.
208
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:27,072
Oh, you mean Ritchie could have a couple more, huh?
209
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,907
Well, you are his father.
210
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,702
Well, I don't want you to become his stage mother.
211
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,203
Oh, Rob.
212
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,246
Oh, Laura!
213
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:43,922
Houses, drive the tarantula ain't and see what the
well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year.
214
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,758
That's good except I don't think
Ritchie would say a thing like that.
215
00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:48,010
Well, why not?
216
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,220
Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't
come up with something that clever.
217
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,263
Oh, I don't know.
218
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,765
His eight-year-old mind thought of it.
219
00:07:53,849 --> 00:07:55,017
Hey, come on you guys.
220
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,435
It's hard to write lines for your own kid.
221
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:57,603
Will you give me a little help?
222
00:07:57,686 --> 00:08:01,106
Look, if I thought you were going to lose relatives
on the show, I'd have made a pitch for my cat.
223
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:02,482
Your cat?
224
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:06,695
Well, he's a nice looking cat, but he's no Cary Grant.
225
00:08:06,778 --> 00:08:10,657
Yeah, but can Cary Grant catch mice?
226
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:11,617
I think so.
227
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:12,618
Oh.
228
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,498
I-- Come on, how about this.
229
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:22,669
The tarantula has a web of dealers from Coast to Coast.
230
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:23,712
Don't beat around the bush.
231
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:24,880
If you don't like it, say so.
232
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,507
We don't like it.
233
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,133
Who asked you?
234
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,009
Rob.
235
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,052
Oh.
236
00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:36,683
Cecil B. DeCoolie.
237
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:37,976
You you your hat on backwards.
238
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:41,980
BUDDY SORRELL: No, his hat's on
straight, his head's on backwards.
239
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,190
How do you like directing Mel?
240
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:46,485
Well, if things weren't so hectic,
I might say I'd found my niche.
241
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,486
Why don't you scratch it?
242
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,990
Rob, you have that commercial revised yet?
243
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,408
We're just finishing it up now.
244
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:57,496
I was supposed to direct one boy
playing ball, and now I direct two.
245
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,833
You shouldn't throw major changes like that at me.
246
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,334
It's just a 1 minute commercial Mel.
247
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:07,256
This is a very important chance for me,
and I don't want anything to go wrong.
248
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:10,759
Well, why don't you quit right now?
249
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:12,261
Mel, you don't have anything to worry about.
250
00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:14,346
Freddie and Ritchie are both very obedient little kids.
251
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:15,973
They'll do whatever you tell them.
252
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:19,476
Rob, will you please get that revised
commercial down to me very fast?
253
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,853
All right.
254
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,146
Let's get that thing finished
before Mel has a nervous breakdown.
255
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:27,025
No, let's wait until after.
256
00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:28,527
Hey, how about this.
257
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:33,532
My daddy says that the family that
drives a tarantula gets home safe.
258
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,449
Good.
259
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:35,534
Simple but good. - Right.
260
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:36,660
Now who says that?
261
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,245
Boy number one, or boy number two?
262
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,330
Uh, let's see, boy number two had the last line.
263
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:42,124
So, you better give it the boy number one.
264
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:43,792
Well, wait a minute, that gives boy number one an extra line.
265
00:09:43,876 --> 00:09:46,044
Well, why don't you give the last line to boy number two?
266
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,880
Yeah, but then he'll have an extra line.
267
00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:50,382
And besides, he'll be answering
the question he just asked.
268
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,800
So, you've got to give it to boy one.
269
00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:52,718
Yeah, right.
270
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:53,927
Who's going to notice?
271
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:57,389
I hope that's the mother of boy two.
272
00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:00,893
Wow, hey it's mothers one and two.
273
00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,352
Hi Mill.
274
00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:04,563
Aw gee, I never knew show business was so exciting.
275
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:07,941
Yeah, this is the first time you've
ever been in our office, huh? - Yeah.
276
00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:13,197
You know, to think that all America laughs at the
jokes that come out of this crummy little office.
277
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,573
Where the little stars?
278
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:17,159
They're in their dressing rooms being made up.
279
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:18,410
I bet they're having a ball.
280
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:19,119
Oh, they are.
281
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,078
And you know something?
282
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:21,580
Freddy is a natural actor.
283
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,623
He takes direction beautifully.
284
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:23,749
How about Ritchie?
285
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,209
Well, he's fine too.
286
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,585
But, he seems more interested in the technical things.
287
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:28,045
Like the lights, and the cameras.
288
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,588
Isn't it wonderful?
289
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:34,259
You know, when they grow up and Ritchie can
produce all the shows of my son, the star.
290
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,386
OK Buddy come on. Let's go say hello to the kids.
291
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:37,387
Yeah.
292
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:38,472
Hey listen, don't make them nervous.
293
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:39,515
Don't worry about that.
294
00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,434
I'll tell them what George Cohen
once told me when I was nervous.
295
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:43,435
What did he say?
296
00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:46,230
Don't be nervous.
297
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,106
I got a quote for you from General Custer.
298
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:49,024
What'd he say?
299
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,275
Let's get out of here.
300
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,364
Gee, show business is really exciting.
301
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:59,159
Well Darling, do I seem any different
to you now that I'm a stage mother?
302
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,286
You are not either one of you stage mothers.
303
00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:04,540
You are just the mothers of two little
boys who are missing a day of school.
304
00:11:04,623 --> 00:11:06,458
Oh, those are the scripts for the commercial?
305
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,793
Yeah.
306
00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,379
Oh, well listen, Can Millie and I take them
down and run over the lines with the boys?
307
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:11,338
OK.
308
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:14,299
You'll notice-- Freddy
has a tendency to mumble.
309
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:15,634
Oh.
310
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:17,928
You'll notice I designated those as boy one and boy two.
311
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,054
Now, Mel can cast them.
312
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,056
Listen, Ritchie's your son.
313
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,141
You know, I mean I think he ought to be boy one.
314
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:27,020
I mean, after all if it wasn't for Ritchie,
Freddy wouldn't be in the commercial at all.
315
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,188
Oh, Millie.
316
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,731
It doesn't make that much difference.
317
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:32,651
Well, it only seems right that Ritchie should be boy one.
318
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:35,779
Besides, he has one more line.
319
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:37,155
Oh, well.
320
00:11:37,281 --> 00:11:38,115
Who counts lines?
321
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,325
Millie does.
322
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,035
You're a big person Laura.
323
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,412
Oh, come on. It's nothing.
324
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:44,663
Good.
325
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,290
Look, besides, boy number two is the pitcher, right?
326
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,082
And Freddy throws a ball much better than Ritchie.
327
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:48,917
Well, that's true.
328
00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,210
It's all settled then.
329
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,379
Ritchie will be boy number one, the catcher.
330
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,256
And Freddy can be the pitcher boy number two.
331
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,299
Right.
332
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:56,967
Rob, you know one thing about Freddy?
333
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:01,805
When he gets to be a big star, he's not going
to forget all the little people like you
334
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,558
that made it all possible.
335
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,475
You won't let him.
336
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,185
Will you?
337
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:09,104
Come on, Millie.
338
00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:11,190
Boy, Rob, I got to hand it to you.
339
00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:15,277
Your kid is downstairs acting his
brains out, and you're up here juggling.
340
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,363
Boy, you've either got nerves of
steel or ice water in your veins.
341
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,406
I hope he don't have both.
342
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,700
He'll wind up with rusty blood.
343
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,203
Rob, how come you're not downstairs worrying?
344
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,330
Much easier up here.
345
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,915
No, I'd probably make him nervous.
346
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,625
Yeah.
347
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:30,542
Hi.
348
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:31,502
Well hi there.
349
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:32,878
How's the method little league going?
350
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:34,421
Oh, well things couldn't be better.
351
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:35,547
Yeah?
352
00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:36,757
The boys are having the time of their lives.
353
00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,758
Are they behaving themselves?
354
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,051
Oh my, yes Darling.
355
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,761
And the crew is treating them like royalty.
356
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,096
You practically have to make an appointment to see them.
357
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:44,389
Oh, no kidding.
358
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:46,767
Gee, I hope they're still humble
enough to remember our lunch date.
359
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:50,395
I have a feeling New Rochelle elementary
school is never going to be the same.
360
00:12:50,479 --> 00:12:53,232
Gee, wouldn't it be funny if
Ritchie grew up to be a big star?
361
00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:54,900
Yeah, I can see it in lights now.
362
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,735
Hamlet, Starring William Feldman.
363
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,822
- Who's William Feldman? - Ritchie.
364
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,324
He'll probably change his name.
365
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:09,414
No, I have a feeling that starting
tomorrow, things will be back to normal.
366
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:12,584
Hey look, why don't we go down, get Millie and the
kids and go on to lunch. You guys want to join us?
367
00:13:12,668 --> 00:13:14,169
I'm gonna pick up a pair of shoes I saw.
368
00:13:14,253 --> 00:13:15,587
You picked up a pair of shoes yesterday.
369
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,589
All right, so today I'll pick up a salesman.
370
00:13:17,673 --> 00:13:18,590
Come on.
371
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,511
Bye.
372
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:25,097
Oh gee, I'm glad things are going so well down there.
373
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,724
Well, you shouldn't be.
374
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,268
I shouldn't?
375
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:32,187
Rob, things couldn't be worse if you planned it that way.
376
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:33,689
What's the matter?
377
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,107
Millie is impossible.
378
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:36,441
Well, what is she doing down there?
379
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,110
Rob, it's not what she's doing down there.
380
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,153
It's what she did up here.
381
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:42,531
How can we get Ritchie to be boy number two?
382
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:43,615
How can we?
383
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:44,825
Why should we?
384
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:47,369
Darling, boy number one is the catcher, you know.
385
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:50,080
Yeah, I knew that, and you knew
that, and Millie knew that.
386
00:13:50,164 --> 00:13:51,957
Yeah, Millie also knew something else.
387
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,376
A catcher wears a catcher's mask.
388
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,711
Well, I also know that.
389
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:58,130
And you played right into her hands?
390
00:13:58,213 --> 00:13:59,381
How'd I do that?
391
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,968
Rob, if Ritchie's wearing a catchers
mask, nobody can see his face.
392
00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:03,844
Oh, honey.
393
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:05,304
Rob, it's true.
394
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:08,932
With those bars across his face, his
own grandparents wouldn't recognize him.
395
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:09,975
They know what he looks like.
396
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,518
They'll recognize his voice.
397
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:17,941
Oh, how can you ask a little boy to work
under hot lights and then remain anonymous?
398
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:18,859
I told you, Rob.
399
00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,194
I told you.
400
00:14:20,319 --> 00:14:22,571
Look, darling, why does he have to be a catcher?
401
00:14:22,654 --> 00:14:23,864
Couldn't he be the quarterback?
402
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:25,699
That's football.
403
00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:26,992
Can't you rewrite it?
404
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:27,868
Rewrite it?
405
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:28,994
I did rewrite it.
406
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:30,412
I rewrote it over, and over.
407
00:14:30,496 --> 00:14:33,081
He started out as a wall you know.
408
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:35,000
There's no rewrites, no more changes.
409
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:36,543
That's all.
410
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:42,216
Boy oh boy, Alan Brady can call you any hour of
the day or night, but let your wife ask for one
411
00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:45,969
little change for your own son and it's no changes.
412
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,721
I've changed my son a lot of times.
413
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:49,515
Oh Rob, I'm serious.
414
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:50,933
Well, I know you are honey.
415
00:14:51,016 --> 00:14:53,227
I'm trying to kid you out of it for your own sake.
416
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:54,228
Rob, please.
417
00:14:54,353 --> 00:14:55,562
- Laura, please. - Rob.
418
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:56,605
Laura.
419
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,817
OK, darling.
420
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,361
Look, let's go to lunch.
421
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,904
Ritchie wants to pay for your lunch with his own check.
422
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:07,199
Oh no, I can't afford to be obligated to the little twerp.
423
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:09,034
Come on, darling.
424
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,035
We'll have a little chat.
425
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,245
Listen, you know when Freddy--
426
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,251
Hey, has Alan ever done any talking animal bits?
427
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:18,877
Like what?
428
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:23,173
Well, like an elephant having a bitter quarrel with a mouse.
429
00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:24,383
Stupid.
430
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,009
You can say it's stupid, but wait.
431
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:29,346
Supposing that the elephant had a bandage around his leg.
432
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,431
It's still stupid.
433
00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:35,853
By supposing you ask me why the elephant had a bandage
around his leg, and see if it's still stupid.
434
00:15:35,936 --> 00:15:38,188
All right, why's the elephant have a bandage around his leg?
435
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:39,857
Because that's where the mouse kicked him.
436
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:43,318
Stupid.
437
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:48,031
Hey Rob, where you been?
438
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,074
Laura's called three times.
439
00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:50,117
Figures.
440
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,618
I just left her 3 minutes ago.
441
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,078
How are the kid actors doing?
442
00:15:53,162 --> 00:15:57,541
I think I should have made the boys
play the wall and heard a talking ball.
443
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,334
Now I think of it, huh?
444
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:00,335
It's for you.
445
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,171
Thank you.
446
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:03,380
Hello.
447
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,841
Yeah honey, how's everything going?
448
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:06,675
Fine.
449
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:08,635
You called me to tell me that?
450
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,387
What do you mean I have to hear your side of it?
451
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,557
It's a television commercial, not a debate.
452
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:14,975
All right, put Mel on.
453
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,269
I'll talk to him.
454
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,562
Well, I'm through!
455
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,480
Well good, I thought you never finish.
456
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:21,982
I didn't say I was finished.
457
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:25,360
I said I'm through, I quit, I'm at the end of my rope.
458
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,486
Hey, what a picture.
459
00:16:26,612 --> 00:16:27,946
Mel at the end of his rope.
460
00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:32,743
I like Laura.
461
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:34,453
I could even learn to like Millie.
462
00:16:34,578 --> 00:16:37,581
But, put the two of them together,
and nobody listens to my directions.
463
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,750
Well, you better get down there and do something about it.
464
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:40,834
Me?
465
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,419
Well, you cast the commercial, I didn't.
466
00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:43,670
Well, Mel, you're the director.
467
00:16:43,795 --> 00:16:47,424
Well, your wife has become the co producer.
468
00:16:47,508 --> 00:16:48,550
All right, it's very simple.
469
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:52,054
Either we keep Freddy and Ritchie and get rid of
the mothers, or we get new kids and new mothers
470
00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:53,305
all around.
471
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:54,139
While you're ordering, get me a husband.
472
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:59,144
When you're acting, you speak loud and clearly.
473
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,312
OK?
474
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,980
Fellas, I'm taking over for Mel.
475
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:05,609
Look, I don't know what's going on down here,
but it's making a raving nut out of Mel Cooley.
476
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,653
Oh, darling, I thought you had a script to get out.
477
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:08,654
So did I.
478
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,030
Well, what are you doing down here?
479
00:17:10,155 --> 00:17:11,782
Well, let's say I'm a kind of a troubleshooter.
480
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:12,491
Trouble?
481
00:17:12,616 --> 00:17:14,034
Who is causing trouble?
482
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,160
I don't know.
483
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,829
But, if I find out I may shoot her.
484
00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,122
This is costing a lot of money down here.
485
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:23,961
Listen, darling, I don't want to say anything--
Good, that's a perfect start right there.
486
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:27,297
OK, fellas, let's have a look at what we've got here now.
487
00:17:27,381 --> 00:17:28,465
Don't look at your mothers.
488
00:17:28,549 --> 00:17:30,801
Come on out here on the set.
489
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,302
OK, now we'll see what we've got.
490
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:33,595
We'll take it right from the top.
491
00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:35,514
OK, fellas let's do your dialogue shall we?
492
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,349
Get in right on your marks there.
493
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,517
OK, now.
494
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,519
All right, action.
495
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:44,022
Say, I wonder if your dad is going
to pick us up in his new car.
496
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:48,735
You mean in his new sensational
tarantula's super eight?
497
00:17:48,861 --> 00:17:50,612
Yes.
498
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:55,659
Four speed stick shift, fast back.
499
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:56,994
Won't that be great?
500
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:57,953
Yeah.
501
00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,204
Well hey, hold a minute.
502
00:17:59,288 --> 00:18:01,081
Rich, why do you keep lifting your catcher's mask?
503
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,249
Mommy told me to.
504
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:03,876
Well, that's right Darling.
505
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:06,920
You see, I told him to lift the mask up so he could be heard.
506
00:18:07,045 --> 00:18:08,922
Well, that wasn't really necessary Laura.
507
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,883
I could hear him right through the mask.
508
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:14,428
Yeah well, that's because you know all the lines, see.
509
00:18:14,553 --> 00:18:17,848
And listen Darling, another thing,
does Ritchie really have to face this way?
510
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,641
What does it matter with the way he's facing?
511
00:18:19,725 --> 00:18:22,477
Well, he had a haircut today, and the sideburn was cut badly.
512
00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:23,729
You see how crooked it is?
513
00:18:23,854 --> 00:18:24,730
Well, that's all right honey.
514
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:26,023
It's hidden buy the mask.
515
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,275
Yeah, quite a lot's hidden by that mask.
516
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:29,526
Fine.
517
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,069
All right Ritchie, face the other way.
518
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,029
Oh, good.
519
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:32,988
Trade places boys.
520
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:34,323
On your marks.
521
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:36,116
Well, now Freddy is going to have to face the other way.
522
00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:37,618
Right.
523
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:39,912
Well he can't, he's got a tooth missing on that side.
524
00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:42,289
Millie, I think the missing tooth is cute.
525
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,957
It make him look like a real boy.
526
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:47,085
Well, so does the cock-eyed sideburn.
527
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,087
What do you think, Rob?
528
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:51,465
I think-- I think mommies do not direct.
529
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:55,093
Mommies sit right over here,
and pretend like they're not even there.
530
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:57,763
All right?
531
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:58,555
OK.
532
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,140
How should we face, Daddy?
533
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,141
Uh, the way you were.
534
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:02,267
Face each other.
535
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,268
OK.
536
00:19:03,352 --> 00:19:04,853
Right on your marks there.
537
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:07,689
OK, now fellas let's try it once more, huh?
538
00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:08,941
Action.
539
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:11,443
Say, I wonder if your dad is going to pick us up.
540
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:14,738
You mean in his new,
sensational tarantula super eight?
541
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,074
Ritchie, pull up your sock.
542
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:18,450
Cut.
543
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:19,743
I'm sorry, darling.
544
00:19:19,827 --> 00:19:21,620
But look, Ritchie's socks are falling down.
545
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,121
Laura, would you leave his socks alone?
546
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:26,416
Well, darling, just because he's a
catcher doesn't mean he has to be sloppy.
547
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:31,547
In all of organized baseball, there is no
prize for the neatest player of the year.
548
00:19:31,630 --> 00:19:33,507
It's bad enough he has to wear that mask.
549
00:19:33,632 --> 00:19:38,220
Well, I think the sloppy socks are cute,
and I don't mind Freddy's being down.
550
00:19:38,303 --> 00:19:39,555
There, how's that Rob?
551
00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:41,765
Well, as a matter of fact, it looks great.
552
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,351
I don't see what's so great about sloppy socks?
553
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:47,980
Well, it's just that they look too clean to be real kids.
554
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,148
Make up.
555
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,484
Would you smudge their faces up a little bit?
556
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,528
I'm sorry fellas.
557
00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:57,489
Rob, I'm curious about something.
558
00:19:57,573 --> 00:20:01,451
Doesn't the catcher usually have more smudges than the pitcher?
559
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:02,828
Well, yeah usually.
560
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,163
Yeah.
561
00:20:04,288 --> 00:20:05,998
Well, then I think Ritchie should have more dirt on him.
562
00:20:06,081 --> 00:20:07,666
Millie, what are you trying to do?
563
00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,836
Well, Freddy has got too much dirt on him for a pitcher.
564
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:12,462
Fine, then take some dirt off Freddy.
565
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:15,757
Don't put more on Ritchie.
566
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,968
I don't think the set is the place to discuss this.
567
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,511
Would you excuse us a minute fellas?
568
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:20,804
I'm sorry.
569
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,222
Darling, I'm just trying to be helpful.
570
00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:23,557
I know.
571
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:26,518
And if you want to be as helpful as you
say, then I'm sure I can show you a way
572
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,811
you can be even more helpful.
573
00:20:27,895 --> 00:20:30,147
What?
574
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:33,692
Oh, good we can have a talk.
575
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,277
This is terrible, we're just trying to help.
576
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,612
I know.
577
00:20:36,695 --> 00:20:37,738
And you're helping me the best way you can.
578
00:20:37,863 --> 00:20:39,573
I'll see you at home honey.
579
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:41,742
Don't stop until you get to 125th Street.
580
00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:53,253
Is my bedding in the garage?
581
00:20:53,378 --> 00:20:55,506
No, it's where it belongs.
582
00:20:55,589 --> 00:20:57,883
Look, honey, I know I owe you an apology.
583
00:20:57,966 --> 00:21:00,010
No dear, we owe you one.
584
00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:01,136
Yeah, do we ever.
585
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,262
When did you decide that?
586
00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:04,014
When they let us out of the dressing room.
587
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:06,099
Yeah, we acted like the perfect idiots.
588
00:21:06,225 --> 00:21:09,436
The boys shouldn't have done the
commercial in the first place.
589
00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:13,023
In that case, you may be able
to take this little bit of news.
590
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:17,903
You know while we were worrying about the catcher's
mask, and missing teeth, and droopy socks.
591
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:19,238
We overlooked one little detail.
592
00:21:19,363 --> 00:21:20,239
What's that?
593
00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:21,198
Those kids can't act.
594
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:23,158
They're terrible!
595
00:21:23,242 --> 00:21:23,992
Terrible?
596
00:21:24,076 --> 00:21:25,577
Oh Rob, how can you say that?
597
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:27,287
I thought they were doing their parts very well.
598
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:28,205
Oh, you did, did you?
599
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:29,122
Yes.
600
00:21:29,248 --> 00:21:30,374
So did I.
601
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,084
Well, when they started out, they were almost fair.
602
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:34,253
But, the more they rehearsed the worse they got.
603
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,296
Well, Rob you know they're not professionals.
604
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:37,464
Oh yeah.
605
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,008
Because professionals get better.
606
00:21:40,092 --> 00:21:42,511
That's why we finally had to hire a couple of more kids.
607
00:21:42,594 --> 00:21:43,637
Oh, that's awful.
608
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:44,638
Well, where are the boys?
609
00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:46,265
They're out in the garage.
610
00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:47,933
Were they terribly hurt?
611
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:50,978
Not as hurt as their two stage mothers.
612
00:21:51,103 --> 00:21:53,981
Yeah, we did behave like stage mothers didn't we?
613
00:21:54,106 --> 00:21:56,942
Yeah, better than our kids did like kids.
614
00:21:57,025 --> 00:21:58,485
They're happy as larks right now.
615
00:21:58,610 --> 00:21:59,987
What'd you tell them?
616
00:22:00,112 --> 00:22:01,446
Well, I told them the one thing to make any kid happy.
617
00:22:01,530 --> 00:22:03,866
I told them they could take part of
their paycheck, and buy a big toy.
618
00:22:03,949 --> 00:22:05,450
Hey, you mean they get paid?
619
00:22:05,576 --> 00:22:07,578
Yeah, just as if they had talent.
620
00:22:07,661 --> 00:22:09,580
Oh.
621
00:22:09,663 --> 00:22:10,706
I think I'm going to cry.
622
00:22:10,789 --> 00:22:12,332
That's Freddy's first paycheck.
623
00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:13,625
I got to go home and tell Jerry.
624
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,127
Hey, would you send Ritchie home?
625
00:22:15,252 --> 00:22:16,545
They're still rehearsing their scene.
626
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:17,880
Oh, isn't that cute?
627
00:22:22,092 --> 00:22:26,597
Darling, were both the boys really bad?
628
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,891
Oh, well Freddy wasn't bad.
629
00:22:28,974 --> 00:22:31,518
Oh, I had a feeling.
630
00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:37,524
Ritchie-- Ritchie was so terrible,
he would have had to improve to get bad.
631
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:39,318
Ritchie?
632
00:22:39,443 --> 00:22:41,695
You mean our son has no talent?
633
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:45,032
Well, I tell you, in the original
version he might have played the wall.
634
00:22:45,157 --> 00:22:46,700
But, not without a lot of coaching.
635
00:22:49,828 --> 00:22:50,662
You get the light.
636
00:22:50,746 --> 00:22:51,538
Sure.
637
00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:54,583
OK, here we go.
638
00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:58,086
OK now kids, this will be take 37.
639
00:22:58,170 --> 00:23:00,339
Action!
640
00:23:00,422 --> 00:23:03,175
Say, I wonder if your dad's picking us up.
641
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:06,678
You mean in his new,
sensational-- Hey, wait a second.
642
00:23:06,762 --> 00:23:08,597
Freddy, can you do it without the scratching?
643
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,515
I wasn't scratching.
644
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,058
I was rubbing the ball.
645
00:23:11,183 --> 00:23:12,351
Oh, I see.
646
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,436
You better hold the balls in the glove there.
647
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:15,729
Oh.
648
00:23:15,854 --> 00:23:18,357
Why don't you rub it in the glove there?
649
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,525
OK, like that.
650
00:23:19,608 --> 00:23:20,526
OK.
651
00:23:20,651 --> 00:23:23,820
Now, this'll be take 38.
652
00:23:23,904 --> 00:23:25,697
Take it from where you throw the ball there.
653
00:23:25,781 --> 00:23:26,615
All right.
654
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:29,952
Take 38, action!
655
00:23:30,035 --> 00:23:32,329
[grunts]
656
00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:33,330
ROB PETRIE: Cut!
657
00:23:33,413 --> 00:23:36,083
Hold on, hold on.
658
00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:38,544
Could you throw that under hand?
659
00:23:38,627 --> 00:23:39,878
Under hand?
660
00:23:39,962 --> 00:23:42,381
Well, I tell you what, we'll just
pretend like you already threw it.
661
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:43,882
Over to here.
662
00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:45,384
All right, we'll try it again.
663
00:23:45,509 --> 00:23:48,136
This will be take 39.
664
00:23:48,220 --> 00:23:50,722
Freddy, take it from, say I wonder.
665
00:23:50,806 --> 00:23:53,308
OK, action!
666
00:23:53,392 --> 00:23:57,396
Say, I wonder if your dad's picking us up.
667
00:23:57,521 --> 00:24:02,234
You mean in his new,
sensational tarantula super eight?
668
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:03,735
Mr. Petrie.
669
00:24:03,819 --> 00:24:05,320
ROB PETRIE: What is it, Freddy?
670
00:24:05,404 --> 00:24:07,406
I'm sick to my stomach.
671
00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:08,407
ROB PETRIE: Who isn't?
672
00:24:11,994 --> 00:24:13,745
Really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.
673
00:24:13,829 --> 00:24:15,080
Yeah, it isn't worth anything.
674
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:20,419
[music playing]50282
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