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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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And special guest star, Vic Damone.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Well, Rob, there's the script, all done.
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Boy, I can't wait till I get home.
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Pickle's fixing my favorite tonight, canned soup.
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Wait a minute, nobody leaves.
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There's a change in the show this week.
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Oh, now wait a minute now.
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Why is there a change in the show?
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Will you-- hold it a minute, will you, guys?
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All Mel said was there's a change in the show.
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Maybe the change will make you happy.
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Yeah, the only change that would make me happy would be
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the firing of all the hairless producers that
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look like pot-bellied penguins.
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Buddy, would you-- would you save the insults, please?
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What for?
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He's here now.
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What's the big problem?
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Well, it's about the guest spot in the show this week.
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Ah, we just lost Sophia Loren.
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How could anybody lose Sophia Loren?
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It was never definite.
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Well, look, it doesn't make any difference whether it's
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Sophia Loren or not.
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I think any sexy star can do the sketch.
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Yeah, that's right.
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How about Lassie?
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We've got someone.
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I wonder who he came up with now.
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I don't know.
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You know him.
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Leave it to him, boy.
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Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Ric Vallone.
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[cheering]
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Rob Petrie, our head writer.
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Hi, Ric.
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And Sally Rogers, his collaborator.
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Well, you're no Sophia Loren, but boy, am I glad.
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I'm glad you're no Rock Hudson.
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[chuckles]
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Hey, I'm Buddy Sorrell.
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I just bought your new album.
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You're the one.
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Oh, Rob, I was telling Mr. Vallone that you all
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might have a meeting tonight to discuss
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his appearance on the show.
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Sure, don't worry about it.
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We'll take care of him.
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Fine, fine.
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You're in good hands.
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Why don't you get out of here and stop looking so bald?
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Listen, I could take you all out to dinner.
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We could discuss the show and hit around some ideas.
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Yeah, but you don't have to take up all of us.
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[chuckles]
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Oh, no, that's true.
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That's right.
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Oh, that's not necessary for all of us to go.
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Ah, Buddy, didn't you say you had something to do tonight?
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No, I-- oh, yeah.
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Yeah, I got a--
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I got a little thing going with my wife.
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I think they call it marriage.
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[chuckles]
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Yeah, and I've got to, ah--
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Help your wife can some plums.
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You're low on plums?
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Oh, practically plum-less.
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If it's all right with you, Ric, Sally
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will work with you tonight.
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It's all right.
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I'd prefer it.
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Where would you like to eat, baby?
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How about my mother's place?
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Your mother's?
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Yeah, and then after dinner, if you want to have my hand
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in marriage, Dad will be handy.
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How about an expensive restaurant?
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We can ask the waiter, I'll phone your dad from there.
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Oh, good.
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Let's go to a real crowded restaurant
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and maybe they'll start a nasty rumor about us.
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[chuckles] - Hey, I can use the publicity.
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Hey, listen, fellas.
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If you don't hear from us in a week, mind your own business.
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Hey.
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Doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo.
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What do you mean, doo-doo-loo, doo-doo-doo?
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What?
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Yeah.
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No.
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Believe me, doo-doo-do.
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Good, good. I think I got it.
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I hope so, darling.
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It's getting awfully late.
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[clunking of typewriter]
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[laughs]
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What is it, darling?
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What is it?
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[laughter]
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Well, darling, what's so funny?
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Rob, what is it?
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What is it?
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It's rotten.
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I thought you said you had it.
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Ah, honey, you know me.
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When I get tired, I start getting punchy
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and I laugh at the straight lines.
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Oh, boy, I hope Sally comes up with something.
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That was awfully nice of you to let her have the evening
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off with Ric Vallone.
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I thought you'd appreciate that.
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You, ah, don't think Sally could attract a man like Ric,
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do you?
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Ah, from what I hear, Ric Vallone is one
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of the original untcatchables.
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Not even you could catch him.
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You know something, darling?
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For a married man, you say the nicest things.
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I feel I'm no fool.
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Look at all the great treatment I get.
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[chuckles]
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[doorbell rings]
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Honey, would you get that?
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I'm busy.
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So am I.
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Well, that's right, you are.
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Ah, I'll get it if you'll walk me.
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OK.
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All right.
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Will you walk me back?
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Sure.
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Oh.
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Who do you suppose it is?
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I don't know.
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But whoever it is better be very embarrassed when they find
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out what they just disturbed.
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You wouldn't.
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Hey, Sal.
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Hi, there.
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We disturbing anything?
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Yeah, we were naked,
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Come on in.
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OK, but we can't stay very long unless you've got
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homemade lasagna in the fridge.
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Boy, talk about me being a nut.
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I'm sorry.
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Laura, this is Ric Vallone.
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Ric Vallone, this is my wife, Laura.
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How do you do?
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Hi, nice meeting you.
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Heard an awful lot about your lasagna.
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LAURA PETRIE: Oh. [chuckles]
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By the way, Laura, do you have any homemade lasagna?
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Lasagna?
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No, we have bread pudding with raisins.
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Ah, no.
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Come on, let's go.
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Hey, look, you guys, at least have a cup of coffee.
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No, I'm sorry, Rob.
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We're on the lookout for homemade lasagna
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and this is our fifth stop.
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We swore not to give up until we found some.
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Right.
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[slaps knee] Why didn't I think of it?
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What, what?
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My aunt makes the greatest lasagna of all time.
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Good.
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Where does she live?
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Rome.
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You two go back to your necking.
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We're off to Rome.
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- Oh, nice almost meeting you. - Goodbye.
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See ya.
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SALLY AND RIC: (SINGING) Awesome lasagna, homemade lasagna.
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Well, walk me back?
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Mm-hmm.
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What do you make of those two? - I don't know.
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Either they're both crazy about lasagna
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or they're both just crazy.
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Or Sally's crazy about him.
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What?
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She had the unmistakable look of a girl smitten.
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Oh, now come on.
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How can you tell a thing like that?
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Darling, you're talking to a girl who once had that look.
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Well, did you notice if the look happened to be--
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You mean, is Ric as interested in her?
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Yeah.
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No, I don't think so.
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Oh, boy.
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Buddy was right, doo-doo-loo, doo doo doo.
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[MUSIC PLAYING - VIC DAMONE, "THE MOST
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BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD"]
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(SINGING) The most beautiful girl in the world
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picks my ties out, eats my candy, drinks my brandy.
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The most beautiful girl in the world.
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The most beautiful star in the world isn't Garbo,
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isn't Dietrich, but the sweet trick who can make me
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believe it's a beautiful world.
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Social?
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Not a bit, natural kind of wit.
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She'd shine anyway, and she hasn't got platinum hair.
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The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.
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What do I care?
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It's goodbye, care, when my slippers are
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next to the ones that belong to one
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and only beautiful girl in the world.
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The most beautiful house in the world has a mortgage.
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What do I care?
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It's goodbye, care, with my slippers
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are next to the ones that belong to the one and only--
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oh, one and only--
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one and only beautiful girl in the world.
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I want to tell you something, boy for a singer,
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he's got some voice.
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Oh, yeah, that's good.
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I think that about wraps up the spot.
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Oh, great.
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Listen, when am I due back for rehearsal?
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I'd like to go down to my tailor's for a few minutes.
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A few minutes, what you having, a pair of shorts made?
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No, we won't need you for a while, Ric.
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How about Sally?
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Can she come along?
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Ah, yeah, I guess.
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Why, what'd you have in mind?
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I'd like you to help me pick out some suit material.
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Well, only if you do something with me.
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Like what?
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Like eloping.
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Only if we have time.
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Good.
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Goodbye, fellas.
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MEL COOLEY: Hi.
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Goodbye.
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What was that all about?
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Ah, I think we got a little twosome going here.
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Twosome?
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Yeah, but something tells me it's
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gonna wind up being a onesome.
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Don't you think Ric's really interested in Sally?
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Do you?
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ROB PETRIE: The think is, Buddy, I
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think maybe Ric possibly sees some things in Sally
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that we take for granted.
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Oh, like her bank book?
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No, but an attractive girl with a good figure
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and a sense of humor.
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You know what I think, Rob?
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Who cares.
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I think you're absolutely right.
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Well, I certainly hope so.
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You know, since I'm the one who kind of threw them together,
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I think I better check and find out just what's going on.
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--and that's the show, all except for the good nights.
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Where are the good nights?
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Here are the good nights.
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Oh, good night.
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Now listen, Rob.
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Speaking of good nights, do you mind if I leave a little early?
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I've got a date with my gondolier.
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With Ric?
268
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:11,352
Yeah, we're going to a lasagna luau.
269
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:17,024
Lasagna luau, that sounds like a lot of fun.
270
00:10:17,124 --> 00:10:18,626
And you know what, Rob?
271
00:10:18,726 --> 00:10:21,195
I just think the evening might end up in a marriage proposal.
272
00:10:21,295 --> 00:10:23,865
You-- you mean he might ask?
273
00:10:23,965 --> 00:10:24,799
Who he?
274
00:10:24,899 --> 00:10:25,867
I might ask.
275
00:10:28,369 --> 00:10:31,939
[chuckles] You had me scared there for a minute.
276
00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:34,842
He almost scared myself.
277
00:10:34,942 --> 00:10:39,113
Rob, you know I catch myself smiling all day long
278
00:10:39,213 --> 00:10:41,249
for no reason at all.
279
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:42,783
Gee, it's a wonderful feeling.
280
00:10:42,884 --> 00:10:44,285
I sure hope it lasts.
281
00:10:44,385 --> 00:10:46,521
Oh, so do I, Sal.
282
00:10:46,621 --> 00:10:48,489
Well, I don't want to miss my luau.
283
00:10:48,589 --> 00:10:49,857
Arrivederci.
284
00:10:49,957 --> 00:10:50,892
Have a good time.
285
00:11:03,104 --> 00:11:04,805
Buddy, you were right.
286
00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:05,907
Ask Ric to come in, will you?
287
00:11:06,007 --> 00:11:07,208
I want to talk to him.
288
00:11:20,988 --> 00:11:21,822
Hi, Rob.
289
00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:22,757
You wanna see me?
290
00:11:22,857 --> 00:11:24,292
Yeah, yeah.
291
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:25,593
Where's my girl?
292
00:11:25,693 --> 00:11:27,695
Oh, she went home-- went home.
293
00:11:27,795 --> 00:11:28,763
Oh.
294
00:11:28,863 --> 00:11:30,364
She's a-- she's a great girl, ain't she?
295
00:11:30,464 --> 00:11:32,266
Yeah, she's the greatest.
296
00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:33,768
RIC VALLONE: Well, what you want to see me about?
297
00:11:33,868 --> 00:11:36,637
Ah, what a-- what did I wanna see you about?
298
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:41,409
Well, Ric, what-- what I wanted to see you about, we-- we'd
299
00:11:41,509 --> 00:11:44,512
touched on the subject just a second ago.
300
00:11:44,612 --> 00:11:45,246
We did?
301
00:11:45,346 --> 00:11:48,082
Yeah, Sally.
302
00:11:48,182 --> 00:11:50,851
Ric, I've known Sal a long time.
303
00:11:50,952 --> 00:11:51,886
Oh, you're lucky.
304
00:11:51,986 --> 00:11:53,187
I wish I'd known her a long time.
305
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:54,488
She is a riot.
306
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,223
Yeah, that-- she is that.
307
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,391
She's also something else, Ric.
308
00:11:57,491 --> 00:12:00,595
She's a very easily bruised person.
309
00:12:00,695 --> 00:12:01,629
Who Sally?
310
00:12:01,729 --> 00:12:02,363
Get out.
311
00:12:02,463 --> 00:12:03,264
She's a rock.
312
00:12:03,364 --> 00:12:04,432
Yeah, she's a rock.
313
00:12:04,532 --> 00:12:05,866
What a comfortable girl to be with.
314
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:09,403
ROB PETRIE: Yeah, comfortable.
315
00:12:09,503 --> 00:12:12,440
Ric, um, I'm gonna ask you something
316
00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:14,675
and I hope you don't think I'm prying.
317
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,577
No, you can go right ahead and think I'm prying
318
00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:18,279
because that's what I'm doing.
319
00:12:18,379 --> 00:12:19,580
What you getting at?
320
00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:21,182
Well, Ric, when you walked in here just now,
321
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,216
you looked around the room.
322
00:12:22,316 --> 00:12:25,319
You said, hey, where's my girl?
323
00:12:25,419 --> 00:12:28,189
Did you mean it?
324
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,557
Mean what?
325
00:12:29,657 --> 00:12:31,692
I mean, is Sally really your girl?
326
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,828
You know, she thinks of you as her guy.
327
00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:37,565
Oh, no.
328
00:12:37,665 --> 00:12:39,233
That answers my question.
329
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:40,901
Hey, Rob, Sally's a great girl and everything.
330
00:12:41,002 --> 00:12:42,603
But-- and we've had a lot of fun together,
331
00:12:42,703 --> 00:12:43,804
but that's all it was, fun.
332
00:12:43,904 --> 00:12:45,506
Did you ever tell her you liked her?
333
00:12:45,606 --> 00:12:48,009
Oh, sure, and I do like her.
334
00:12:48,109 --> 00:12:49,276
Look, I haven't even kissed her.
335
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:50,611
I haven't even tried to kiss her.
336
00:12:50,711 --> 00:12:52,146
Yeah, that's even worse.
337
00:12:52,246 --> 00:12:53,814
Telling a girl you like her and then not trying to kiss
338
00:12:53,914 --> 00:12:57,184
her is like admitting you're serious about her.
339
00:12:57,285 --> 00:13:00,087
You're right.
340
00:13:00,187 --> 00:13:03,157
And you say she bruises easily?
341
00:13:03,257 --> 00:13:05,526
Oh, like the old Russian royalty.
342
00:13:09,797 --> 00:13:13,934
Well, ah, what do you think I ought to do?
343
00:13:14,035 --> 00:13:15,836
Well, Ric, I've been thinking about it a lot.
344
00:13:15,936 --> 00:13:17,004
Yeah.
345
00:13:17,104 --> 00:13:18,005
I don't know.
346
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:24,912
I got it.
347
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:28,549
I'll tell her I love her like a sister.
348
00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:29,950
You'd better wish.
349
00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:31,252
That's about the worst thing you can tell a girl.
350
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:32,787
I know, I know.
351
00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:35,423
If only you were married, then you could be a scoundrel
352
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:39,060
and leave her and go back to your wife.
353
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,295
It's not a bad idea.
354
00:13:41,395 --> 00:13:42,663
What, get married?
355
00:13:42,763 --> 00:13:43,864
No, no.
356
00:13:43,964 --> 00:13:47,234
Let her leave you because you're such a scoundrel.
357
00:13:47,334 --> 00:13:48,502
But I'm not, she knows I'm not.
358
00:13:48,602 --> 00:13:51,672
Yeah, you're not a scoundrel.
359
00:13:51,772 --> 00:13:53,674
No, you're fine when you're sober,
360
00:13:53,774 --> 00:13:57,378
but she doesn't know how mean and how abusive
361
00:13:57,478 --> 00:13:58,379
you are when you're drunk.
362
00:13:58,479 --> 00:14:00,181
[chuckles] Me, drunk?
363
00:14:00,281 --> 00:14:01,215
You kidding?
364
00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:02,683
Two drinks and I fall asleep.
365
00:14:02,783 --> 00:14:04,251
Well, you're an actor, aren't you, Ric?
366
00:14:04,351 --> 00:14:05,486
I mean, you could act like a drunk.
367
00:14:05,586 --> 00:14:06,854
Sally can't stand drunks.
368
00:14:06,954 --> 00:14:07,955
No, I don't know.
369
00:14:08,055 --> 00:14:09,523
I just don't know.
370
00:14:09,623 --> 00:14:11,092
Look, would you rather tell her that she's
371
00:14:11,192 --> 00:14:13,861
like a sister to you?
372
00:14:13,961 --> 00:14:14,995
I'd rather get drunk.
373
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,470
Really, Laura, it was a very nice dinner.
374
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,372
Thank you, Sally.
375
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:27,308
Don't you think old Rob, um, sort of overdid
376
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,642
it a little bit with the wine?
377
00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:31,345
I mean, two different kinds of wine?
378
00:14:31,445 --> 00:14:32,880
Well, Ric brought his own.
379
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,415
I know, but Rob could have served
380
00:14:34,515 --> 00:14:35,850
everybody with that wine.
381
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:37,618
It was a big bottle and Ric ended
382
00:14:37,718 --> 00:14:39,687
up drinking it all by himself.
383
00:14:39,787 --> 00:14:42,590
Rob was just trying to be a good host.
384
00:14:42,690 --> 00:14:44,892
Yeah, I guess so.
385
00:14:44,992 --> 00:14:46,627
I wonder what they're doing in there.
386
00:14:46,727 --> 00:14:48,662
They said something about having some brandy.
387
00:14:53,534 --> 00:14:54,969
How do you feel?
388
00:14:55,069 --> 00:14:56,203
Not too good.
389
00:14:56,303 --> 00:14:58,139
You know I drank a full quarter of this grape juice.
390
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:03,611
Listen, I hope Laura isn't too angry.
391
00:15:03,711 --> 00:15:06,147
I couldn't eat a bite of a dinner.
392
00:15:06,247 --> 00:15:09,183
She's angry, but I'll explain the whole thing to her later.
393
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,651
Was that about the color of brandy?
394
00:15:10,751 --> 00:15:12,019
A little more water, just a touch.
395
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:15,723
Little more water, OK.
396
00:15:15,823 --> 00:15:18,225
Oh, let me put some of this in, make it smell right.
397
00:15:18,325 --> 00:15:20,161
Good.
398
00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:21,395
OK.
399
00:15:21,495 --> 00:15:22,797
Hey, I got an idea. - What?
400
00:15:22,897 --> 00:15:24,131
Put some all in your hands.
401
00:15:24,231 --> 00:15:27,168
Smelling like a drunk will help the illusion.
402
00:15:27,268 --> 00:15:28,068
There.
403
00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:29,436
Good.
404
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:32,039
OK, there you are.
405
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,107
Aren't you gonna have any?
406
00:15:33,207 --> 00:15:34,375
No, no.
407
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:37,812
It's much worse if you're a solitary drunk.
408
00:15:37,912 --> 00:15:41,048
Now let me drunken up a little here.
409
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:43,417
So you've got to have the collar open, that's it.
410
00:15:43,517 --> 00:15:44,652
That's right.
411
00:15:44,752 --> 00:15:45,553
You got to get the coat back a little.
412
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:46,687
Am I that drunk?
413
00:15:46,787 --> 00:15:47,388
Uh-huh.
414
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,089
Oh, are you that drunk?
415
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:51,725
Now start being abusive.
416
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,060
Ah, Ric.
417
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,496
Listen, don't you think you've had about enough to drink.
418
00:15:55,596 --> 00:15:57,331
You take care of yourself, doctor.
419
00:15:57,431 --> 00:16:01,001
A few drinks won't even get me a buzz.
420
00:16:01,101 --> 00:16:04,004
Now but Ric, you're already had a whole bottle of wine.
421
00:16:04,104 --> 00:16:07,875
I've been drinking since I'm 16 and I know my cacapity.
422
00:16:12,646 --> 00:16:14,048
There's almost a quarter of a bottle
423
00:16:14,148 --> 00:16:15,382
of brandy in that snifter.
424
00:16:15,483 --> 00:16:17,785
Are you afraid I'm gonna drink up all your cheap brandy?
425
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,124
Here, go buy yourselves five bottles of that cheap stuff.
426
00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:27,795
Mr. Vallone, I don't want to forget that I'm your hostess.
427
00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:28,796
Hostess?
428
00:16:28,896 --> 00:16:32,867
Oh, some hostess, serving me chicken
429
00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,869
when I'm drinking red wine.
430
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:41,675
Some hostess, hey, fatso?
431
00:16:46,580 --> 00:16:47,581
Isn't he adorable?
432
00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:49,016
[chuckles]
433
00:16:49,116 --> 00:16:49,950
It's all right, honey.
434
00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,019
Ric's-- Ric's just kind of kidding.
435
00:16:52,119 --> 00:16:53,254
Now come on, Ric.
436
00:16:53,354 --> 00:16:55,956
I got something to ask you.
437
00:16:56,056 --> 00:17:00,494
You have such pretty blonde hair.
438
00:17:00,594 --> 00:17:02,563
How come you dye the roots black?
439
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,671
He really doesn't mean it.
440
00:17:10,771 --> 00:17:12,239
I'm gonna belt him.
441
00:17:15,309 --> 00:17:16,844
I feel like such a rat.
442
00:17:16,944 --> 00:17:18,812
Listen, there are good rats and there are bad rats.
443
00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,047
And you're a good rat.
444
00:17:23,851 --> 00:17:25,920
Don't you think she's disgusted enough with me?
445
00:17:26,020 --> 00:17:27,121
No.
446
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:28,956
Look, not until she says to me, Rob, get me a cab.
447
00:17:29,056 --> 00:17:30,057
I'm going home.
448
00:17:30,157 --> 00:17:31,926
I don't know how much more of this I can do.
449
00:17:32,026 --> 00:17:33,827
Look, let's go one more round.
450
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:35,229
Pick a fight with me.
451
00:17:35,329 --> 00:17:36,463
We'll wrestle around a little bit, that'll do it.
452
00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:37,364
Come on, let's fight.
453
00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:38,332
Wait, wait, wait.
454
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,366
What do we fight about?
455
00:17:39,466 --> 00:17:41,835
Ah, insult Laura's cooking.
456
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,203
I did that, I did that.
457
00:17:43,304 --> 00:17:44,104
Oh, you did that.
458
00:17:44,204 --> 00:17:45,773
Ah, break a lamp.
459
00:17:45,873 --> 00:17:47,041
Don't break a lamp.
460
00:17:51,378 --> 00:17:52,379
I got it.
461
00:17:52,479 --> 00:17:54,515
Flirt with my wife.
462
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:55,916
Flirt with your wife?
463
00:17:56,016 --> 00:17:58,886
Yes, there's nothing more revolting than a guy who
464
00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:02,222
flirts with the host's wife.
465
00:18:02,323 --> 00:18:04,658
Ric, I think you've had about enough of that.
466
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,729
I'll be the jug of that.
467
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:12,700
Hi, ladies.
468
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,901
Did you miss us?
469
00:18:14,001 --> 00:18:15,869
LAURA PETRIE: I can't say that we did.
470
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:20,608
You know, you're not much of a cook, but for a housewife--
471
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,477
[clicks tongue]
472
00:18:23,577 --> 00:18:24,778
Rob?
473
00:18:24,878 --> 00:18:27,414
Oh, Ric, that's about enough of that, Ric.
474
00:18:27,514 --> 00:18:29,316
Ric, why don't you just sit down.
475
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:30,918
Sit down?
476
00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:33,454
When I was just about to twist with this very lovely matron.
477
00:18:33,554 --> 00:18:34,421
Come on, baby. Let's twist.
478
00:18:34,521 --> 00:18:35,322
Rob?
479
00:18:35,422 --> 00:18:36,256
Mr. Vallone [inaudible].
480
00:18:36,357 --> 00:18:37,224
No, Ric.
481
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:38,192
Ric!
482
00:18:38,292 --> 00:18:39,326
Look, Ric, that's enough.
483
00:18:39,426 --> 00:18:41,295
My wife doesn't like to dance with drunken bums.
484
00:18:41,395 --> 00:18:43,030
Who you calling a drunken bum?
485
00:18:43,130 --> 00:18:45,032
What?
486
00:18:45,132 --> 00:18:47,434
Hey, honey.
487
00:18:47,534 --> 00:18:48,636
Blondie, get out of the way.
488
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:49,570
I want to do the twist.
489
00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,171
My pleasure.
490
00:18:51,271 --> 00:18:54,441
(SINGING) With the very lovely matron, the most beautiful girl
491
00:18:54,541 --> 00:18:55,342
in the world.
492
00:18:55,442 --> 00:18:56,310
Where you going?
493
00:18:56,410 --> 00:18:57,378
The party's just starting.
494
00:19:00,314 --> 00:19:01,382
We got her gone.
495
00:19:01,482 --> 00:19:03,083
Do you think we did enough, we've done enough?
496
00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:05,519
No, not until she says get me a cab, I'm going home.
497
00:19:05,619 --> 00:19:06,687
Now let's do a little more.
498
00:19:06,787 --> 00:19:08,022
All right, you drunken bum. Now--
499
00:19:08,122 --> 00:19:09,189
I wanna dance with your wife.
500
00:19:09,289 --> 00:19:10,658
I want to do a twist with your wife.
501
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,226
[inaudible] you come into a guy's house
502
00:19:12,326 --> 00:19:14,495
and you flirt with his wife, you know what you got coming?
503
00:19:14,595 --> 00:19:17,264
You got this coming.
504
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:19,299
Rob, what have you done?
505
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,534
Well, I just, ah--
506
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:22,136
I'm sorry you kids had to see that.
507
00:19:22,236 --> 00:19:23,737
I-- had to be done.
508
00:19:23,837 --> 00:19:25,172
I just-- I just tapped him a light one.
509
00:19:25,272 --> 00:19:26,707
It was a glancing blow.
510
00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:27,875
Oh, Rob.
511
00:19:27,975 --> 00:19:30,010
Well, I'm sorry, Sal.
512
00:19:30,110 --> 00:19:32,446
I-- I should have belted him during dinner.
513
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,214
He had it coming, didn't he?
514
00:19:34,314 --> 00:19:37,951
I bet you didn't know he was that kind of a guy, did you?
515
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,120
No, but I'm sure finding out.
516
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,390
Sally, I'm so sorry the evening turned out this way.
517
00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:45,759
Oh, don't feel badly, Laura.
518
00:19:45,859 --> 00:19:47,094
Would you like Bob to drive you home?
519
00:19:47,194 --> 00:19:48,996
No, no, that isn't necessary.
520
00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:51,565
If you'll just bring him to and put him in the car,
521
00:19:51,665 --> 00:19:53,801
I'll drive him home.
522
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:57,438
You got-- you wanna drive him home?
523
00:19:57,538 --> 00:20:00,507
Of course, the poor baby.
524
00:20:00,607 --> 00:20:01,542
What, poor baby?
525
00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:03,243
What do you mean, poor baby?
526
00:20:03,343 --> 00:20:06,513
Why, don't you remember what he called you during dinner?
527
00:20:06,613 --> 00:20:07,514
Fatso.
528
00:20:07,614 --> 00:20:10,717
Ha, he said it again, see.
529
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:11,952
Rob, rob, look, I know.
530
00:20:12,052 --> 00:20:13,420
He doesn't need a hit in the head.
531
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,356
All he needs is a little understanding and compassion.
532
00:20:16,457 --> 00:20:18,058
Under-- compassion?
533
00:20:18,158 --> 00:20:20,060
Don't you remember what he said about your black roots?
534
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:21,628
LAURA PETRIE: Rob. - I know, I know.
535
00:20:21,728 --> 00:20:23,197
Well, he did.
536
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:24,798
Rob, would you just help me get him into the car, please?
537
00:20:24,898 --> 00:20:26,100
Oh, wait a minute, Sally.
538
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,835
You can't be serious about driving him home.
539
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,470
Didn't you see him trying to flirt with Laura?
540
00:20:29,570 --> 00:20:30,771
I know, I know.
541
00:20:30,871 --> 00:20:32,039
Rob, please help me get him into the car.
542
00:20:32,139 --> 00:20:33,807
But what are you gonna do with him, Sal?
543
00:20:33,907 --> 00:20:36,043
I'm gonna pour about 10 gallons of black coffee
544
00:20:36,143 --> 00:20:37,144
into him.
545
00:20:37,244 --> 00:20:38,779
ROB PETRIE: What-- what do you mean coffee?
546
00:20:38,879 --> 00:20:39,713
He can't drink coffee.
547
00:20:39,813 --> 00:20:40,747
He's a boozer.
548
00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:42,049
He throws it down all the time.
549
00:20:42,149 --> 00:20:43,717
You saw him, he-- he insulted her cooking.
550
00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:44,985
Honey, you saw him.
551
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:46,453
He was gonna punch me right in the nose.
552
00:20:46,553 --> 00:20:48,422
Rob, you gonna help me or not?
553
00:20:48,522 --> 00:20:51,125
Well, oh, I'll help you, Sal.
554
00:20:51,225 --> 00:20:52,626
(WHISPERS) You should have kissed her.
555
00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:54,061
What'd you say?
556
00:20:54,161 --> 00:20:56,363
I said he's a weak sister, you drunken bum, you.
557
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,398
Boy, if anybody ever insulted my black roots the way
558
00:20:58,499 --> 00:21:00,868
he did yours, I'd give him the gate fast enough.
559
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,870
Oh, what a drunken bum.
560
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,640
What a drunken bum he is.
561
00:21:06,740 --> 00:21:08,308
I don't understand it.
562
00:21:08,408 --> 00:21:10,777
I don't understand-- how in the world could she feel sorry
563
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:13,847
for such a mean, miserable bum.
564
00:21:13,947 --> 00:21:16,350
If only he hadn't got drunk.
565
00:21:16,450 --> 00:21:17,751
What-- what do you mean?
566
00:21:17,851 --> 00:21:19,987
Well, it's obvious that he was drinking tonight because he was
567
00:21:20,087 --> 00:21:21,288
uncomfortable about something.
568
00:21:21,388 --> 00:21:22,322
What?
569
00:21:22,422 --> 00:21:23,991
Yes, he wanted to bolster his courage
570
00:21:24,091 --> 00:21:25,826
so he could let Sally down easily.
571
00:21:25,926 --> 00:21:27,394
Now he stuck with her.
572
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:28,996
What do you mean-- what do you mean he's stuck with her?
573
00:21:29,096 --> 00:21:32,266
The maternal instinct, Sally thinks he needs her.
574
00:21:32,366 --> 00:21:33,700
Yeah.
575
00:21:33,801 --> 00:21:37,971
Boy, what a stupid plan he had.
576
00:21:38,071 --> 00:21:39,206
That was a plan?
577
00:21:39,306 --> 00:21:39,973
Well, yeah.
578
00:21:40,073 --> 00:21:40,974
I mean, it must have been.
579
00:21:41,074 --> 00:21:42,576
It must've been a plan.
580
00:21:45,279 --> 00:21:47,314
I mean, the way he was-- the way he
581
00:21:47,414 --> 00:21:49,850
was drinking there, man, he was really sucking them down there.
582
00:21:49,950 --> 00:21:50,784
Wasn't he?
583
00:21:50,884 --> 00:21:52,352
He certainly was.
584
00:21:52,452 --> 00:21:57,391
Wow, a quart of grape juice and four snifters of warm tea.
585
00:21:57,491 --> 00:21:59,793
How, ah-- how did-- how did you-- how did you know?
586
00:21:59,893 --> 00:22:01,728
Darling, if I've told you once,
587
00:22:01,829 --> 00:22:03,764
I've told you a thousand times.
588
00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,032
I'm a woman.
589
00:22:10,838 --> 00:22:12,206
I better write that down.
590
00:22:22,316 --> 00:22:24,751
It's here someplace, I know.
591
00:22:24,851 --> 00:22:26,920
Oh, there it is.
592
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:29,089
Alan says, you mean on our stage
593
00:22:29,189 --> 00:22:33,393
there's something that has 400 legs and goes, bah bah.
594
00:22:33,493 --> 00:22:35,495
What is it?
595
00:22:35,596 --> 00:22:38,932
It's our glee club of 200 singing the whiffenpoof song.
596
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,737
Why don't you ever number the pages?
597
00:22:43,837 --> 00:22:44,972
I'm sorry, Rob.
598
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:45,906
I didn't have time to number the pages.
599
00:22:46,006 --> 00:22:47,975
I got a date tonight.
600
00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:49,343
Hey, listen, fellas.
601
00:22:49,443 --> 00:22:50,677
You don't mind if I leave early tonight, huh?
602
00:22:50,777 --> 00:22:51,778
No, go ahead, Sal.
603
00:22:51,879 --> 00:22:52,779
Who's the lucky guy tonight?
604
00:22:52,879 --> 00:22:53,680
Who else?
605
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:54,748
My drunken crooner.
606
00:22:54,848 --> 00:22:56,283
Goodnight.
607
00:22:56,383 --> 00:23:00,687
(SINGING) Lasa-- lasagna homemade.
608
00:23:00,787 --> 00:23:01,688
Oh, boy.
609
00:23:01,788 --> 00:23:03,056
You're a dandy fixer upper.
610
00:23:03,156 --> 00:23:04,791
Now she's more nuts about him than ever.
611
00:23:04,891 --> 00:23:06,460
She even hooked him for another date.
612
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,762
Oh, boy.
613
00:23:08,862 --> 00:23:09,997
Ric is never gonna forgive me.
614
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:11,899
I should have never butted into that.
615
00:23:11,999 --> 00:23:14,434
Only one thing you can do now, buy a few thousand
616
00:23:14,534 --> 00:23:16,837
of his albums.
617
00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:17,771
Hi.
618
00:23:17,871 --> 00:23:19,106
Oh, hi.
619
00:23:19,206 --> 00:23:20,040
Don't step on a jokes.
620
00:23:20,140 --> 00:23:20,941
Watch that punch liner.
621
00:23:21,041 --> 00:23:22,709
Did Sally leave?
622
00:23:22,809 --> 00:23:24,077
Yeah, Sally left.
623
00:23:24,177 --> 00:23:25,512
She's all gone and you're safe.
624
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:26,413
Safe?
625
00:23:26,513 --> 00:23:27,214
What you mean safe?
626
00:23:27,314 --> 00:23:29,016
I wanted to drive her home.
627
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:30,717
Ric, I don't like to pry.
628
00:23:30,817 --> 00:23:32,252
Oh, yes you do.
629
00:23:36,690 --> 00:23:39,826
You wanna know how come I made a date with her tonight, right?
630
00:23:39,927 --> 00:23:41,528
Just for my own education, why did you?
631
00:23:41,628 --> 00:23:42,696
Yeah.
632
00:23:42,796 --> 00:23:43,330
You know what she did last night?
633
00:23:43,430 --> 00:23:44,698
What?
634
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:48,769
After she took me home, she sang me a medley of lullabies.
635
00:23:48,869 --> 00:23:50,037
I've never met anyone like her.
636
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,071
You know something?
637
00:23:51,171 --> 00:23:52,706
Last night, you were terrible.
638
00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:54,174
You insulted that poor girl.
639
00:23:54,274 --> 00:23:56,009
You flirted with my wife and you were
640
00:23:56,109 --> 00:23:58,679
a thoroughly obnoxious drunk.
641
00:23:58,779 --> 00:24:00,814
And she forgave me.
642
00:24:00,914 --> 00:24:02,382
She said she understood me.
643
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:04,084
A girl with that much understanding,
644
00:24:04,184 --> 00:24:07,020
I just got to get to know better.
645
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:10,590
Ric, you-- you're not angry with me?
646
00:24:10,691 --> 00:24:12,693
Angry, are you kidding?
647
00:24:12,793 --> 00:24:16,463
She even owns her own mink coat.
648
00:24:16,563 --> 00:24:17,564
(SINGING) Oh, lasagna.
649
00:24:23,737 --> 00:24:26,807
You know something, I don't understand this at all.
650
00:24:26,907 --> 00:24:30,043
Last night, he treated her like the wrath of the whole world.
651
00:24:30,143 --> 00:24:32,346
And today, she apologized to him.
652
00:24:32,446 --> 00:24:36,950
Rob, you know what I think?
653
00:24:37,050 --> 00:24:38,385
What?
654
00:24:38,485 --> 00:24:39,753
I think we ought to go home and beat up our wives.
655
00:24:44,057 --> 00:24:47,527
[theme song]
45010
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