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[theme music]
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NARRATOR: The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews,
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and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Hey, honey.
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Come here a minute, will you?
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LAURA: Darling, I've already seen the car.
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Come on.
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You haven't seen it from this angle yet.
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Oh, god.
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Oh, don't be that way.
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Come on, look at that.
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Will you look at that shaft of moonlight
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shining on our Tarantula.
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Sure does glisten, boy.
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It's not chrome, honey.
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That is stainless steel.
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[horn honks]
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Oh, Come on, Rich, that's enough.
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Hey, Rich, knock it off.
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That's enough now.
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Oh, honey, is that dreamy?
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Is that a model car?
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No, that's sports.
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Is that god status?
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Uh!
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The driving of it, it's so effortless, so smooth.
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It is like smoothie.
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Who can we call?
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The most jealous of it, Jerry, of course.
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Rob, you're gloating.
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Well, why not?
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Honey, I hadn't had a good gloat in the last five years
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as we got our last new car.
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Honey, did you notice the way the counter stuff, the handles.
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That counter stuff has no wind resistance at all there.
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The whole car's that way, aerodynamic.
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Well, even the A's race, teardrop designed,
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do you not understand?
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Did you notice you're a nut?
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Only about things automotive.
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I love growing, all right.
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When?
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Well, I don't know.
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When I get a new helicopter, I guess.
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Oh, I may just chip in.
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I don't think it could be any more giddy about that.
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Jer?
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This is Rob.
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Ah, my friend, you are speaking to a gentleman
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who just took delivery on a brand new Tarantula
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at the Park Avenue.
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Shall I roast today?
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I am not.
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It's parked right out in front of the house right now.
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Come over my friend and take a look at this automobile.
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What do you mean you can't?
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What?
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Jerry, you can go to a second show, can't you?
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What do you mean in the morning?
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Jerry, I'll be driving it to work in the morning.
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Hm.
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No I-- not.
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All right. No.
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Forget it, Jerry.
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It's all right.
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Just forget it.
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Oh, my god.
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Boy, what sour grapes that is.
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But darling, the car's going to be here for years.
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I know, honey.
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But the car is only new today.
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What's the sense I have a new car if you can't have your best
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friends envious of you.
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Hey, you know, I haven't seen this kind of behavior
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since Richie got his two wheeler.
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There's a reason to be jealous of him and his 1958 Edsel.
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Sitting on the front seat on a thing is like a divan.
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And an automatic transmission, you know what that's for?
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It's for old ladies.
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Boy, this car-- bucket seat and that stick shift.
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Ghhr.
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You know you nestle down on this thing like an astronaut.
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But, Rob, I took the station wagon in for a tune up.
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Good, honey.
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Good to get in there and keep it in tune.
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Yeah.
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Well, they're going to have to have it for a day.
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That's all right.
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Listen, I want that thing an A-1 top shape
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go, go, go condition for my family.
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[music playing]
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I'm not as interested in food now anyway.
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Darling, I still have to feed Richie.
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You know what the great thing about this car is?
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That you can't bring it into the house.
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No.
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No, the thing is so far ahead of its time.
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You know something?
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Three to four years from now, this car will still be worth--
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[horn honks]
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Rich, cut it out.
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Doggonnit.
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He's probably, get the sneakers all over the upholstery.
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Rich, hey, knock it off.
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But come on in here right now.
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He's getting his dirty feet all over the seats, honey.
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Rich, oh.
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Where did you get this funny hat?
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Yeah.
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Where did you?
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It is not funny, it's British.
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And who says the British have no sense of humor?
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Look, Rich.
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This car is not the old station wagon.
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I don't want any candy wrappers or gum
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or lollipops on the seats.
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I don't want any taffy or gunky stuff in the ashtrays.
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Richie, are you listening to me?
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Darling, if you want him to listen,
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you're going to have to take off the hat.
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Ah!
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Richie, why don't you go wash your hands up for dinner now,
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huh? - OK.
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Listen to daddy, and I'll take you for a ride in the car
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tomorrow, OK? - OK.
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Honey, look at this.
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When you look at a car like that, what do you feel?
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Extreme fear.
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Fear?
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Why fear?
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Because I have to ask you if I can use it tomorrow.
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What?
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See?
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Why?
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Darling, I told you the station wagon is in the shop.
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Why tomorrow?
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You-- I-- there's--
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Buddy and Sally haven't even seen it yet, honey.
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I-- oh.
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No, if you want to shop and done,
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I'll pick up whatever you want on the way home.
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Rob, I have to have the car.
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I have to drive Richie to school.
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It's my turn for the carpool.
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You're going to put that pool in my car, honey?
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You're going to put a dozen kids in that--
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Darling, there aren't a dozen.
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Well, I don't care.
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They might as well be.
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For crying out loud, candy wrappers and little slips
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of paper gaunt all over it.
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They'll ruin the new car, smell with their peanut
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butter sandwich smell.
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I'll put their lunches in the trunk.
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There is no trunk.
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That is the auxiliary motor.
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All those kids, they're yelling in your ear all the time
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you're going to run into something.
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Oh, darling, I won't.
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I'm a careful driver.
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You know that.
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Darling, I wouldn't ask you.
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But Sadie Stein has taken my carpool turn
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the last three times.
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Ah, but honey, the first day.
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I haven't even driven myself in the daytime yet.
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Oh-- you-- someone can run into you, you know.
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I'll drive 10 miles an hour in the right hand lane
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with a horn going all the way.
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Well, all right.
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I-- I don't want anything to happen to that car.
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Oh, darling.
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Don't be ridiculous.
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What could happen?
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[music playing]
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Beautiful, she's fast, and she doesn't make us sound.
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Beautiful, fast, and quiet?
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Impossible.
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There's no such woman.
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Hey, what's he talking about?
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He fell in love with the Tarantula.
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So what?
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I married one.
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Oh, you got the new car, huh?
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Oh, yeah.
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You got the new T-Bug.
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It's real sweet, huh?
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Oh, it is the ultimate.
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Yeah.
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Hey, you ever seen one of those Tarantulas?
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No.
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They are built so close to the ground.
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If you want to get in, you got to come up through a manhole.
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Oh, this one, when you get in and it's
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got those great little bucket seats, you know.
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You know what's wrong with bucket seats?
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Everybody got a different sized bucket.
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Rob, you're going to take us for a drive in Central Park
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during lunch?
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I can't.
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I left that at home.
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You left Central Park at home?
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The first day, you didn't even bring the car down?
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Gosh, I thought you'd park it right here in the office.
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Oh, boy, I would have, except it was Laura's
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day to take the kids to school.
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You let Laura drive your new bedbug?
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Tarantella.
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- Tarantula. - Oh, yeah.
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I forgot.
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Boy, I left it with her with a bunch
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of kids yelling in her ear.
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Boy, when I get a new car, I won't even let pickles in it.
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If we have to go someplace, I just drive, and she runs along.
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What am I so worried about anyway?
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Laura happens to be a wonderful driver.
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All women are wonderful drivers.
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It's just that those men designers have done everything
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they can to confuse us.
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First, they put the starter on the dashboard.
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Then they put it on the floor next to the accelerator.
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Then it's on the left, and it's on the right.
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First they put the stick shift on the floor.
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Then they put it on the wheel, and it's automatic.
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Then they put it between the two seats, and it's not automatic.
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Do you know that I once pushed in a cigarette
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lighter on the highway, and I went in reverse?
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I think I'll just check to see if she's
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been smoking on the highway.
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[phone rings]
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Hello?
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ROB (ON PHONE): Laura?
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Yes, Rob, what is it?
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Well--
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Well, what?
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How was she?
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Who?
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Our Tarantula, honey.
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How did she handle?
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Oh, beautifully.
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Good, would-- you didn't have trouble with the stick shift,
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did you? - No.
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No trouble with a stick shift.
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That's my girl.
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Do you love that car?
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Yes, darling.
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I really love it.
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You sound strange, honey.
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Well it's probably the connection.
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Honey, I forgot to tell you something.
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Listen, don't park that car under a tree or under a bird.
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Oh, and listen.
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Get into the garage tonight before the dew falls, OK?
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Yes, darling, I will.
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[door bells] Oh, Rob.
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There's somebody at the door.
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I have to hang up now.
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Do you love that car?
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Yes, Rob.
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I really love it.
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We'll talk about it tonight, huh?
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ROB (ON PHONE): OK.
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Bye, dear.
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She loves it.
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Hi, I just came over to ask--
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Oh.
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Millie, the most horrible thing. - What?
270
00:08:51,939 --> 00:08:52,740
What?
271
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,308
Rob's new car.
272
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:55,076
Yeah.
273
00:08:55,176 --> 00:08:57,211
It looks like a dead bug.
274
00:08:57,311 --> 00:08:58,513
- Do you see it? - Yeah.
275
00:08:58,613 --> 00:09:00,114
This morning when you picked up the kids.
276
00:09:00,214 --> 00:09:02,083
Oh, Millie.
277
00:09:02,183 --> 00:09:05,653
I was driving so carefully, Millie.
278
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:08,923
And I went to the market to get a bunch of bananas.
279
00:09:09,023 --> 00:09:10,925
And I parked it so carefully, Millie.
280
00:09:11,025 --> 00:09:12,960
I wasn't in that store for five minutes.
281
00:09:13,060 --> 00:09:14,028
And when I came out--
282
00:09:14,128 --> 00:09:14,929
What?
283
00:09:15,029 --> 00:09:15,863
What happened?
284
00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:17,598
A scratch.
285
00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:18,933
A scratch?
286
00:09:19,033 --> 00:09:20,568
Not a scratch.
287
00:09:20,668 --> 00:09:22,870
A scratch!
288
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:23,771
Where?
289
00:09:23,871 --> 00:09:24,806
The front or the rear?
290
00:09:24,906 --> 00:09:25,840
Yes.
291
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:26,774
Which?
292
00:09:26,874 --> 00:09:28,309
Both.
293
00:09:28,409 --> 00:09:31,546
It goes all the way from the front fin to the back wing.
294
00:09:31,646 --> 00:09:33,247
Oh, Millie, what am I going to do?
295
00:09:33,347 --> 00:09:35,016
Rob will kill me.
296
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,584
Well, first, you better get hold of yourself.
297
00:09:36,684 --> 00:09:39,087
But this wasn't the first time a car was ever scratched,
298
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:40,221
you know.
299
00:09:40,321 --> 00:09:41,923
It's the first time for this one.
300
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:43,157
That's what's so awful, Millie.
301
00:09:43,257 --> 00:09:44,425
And Rob warned me.
302
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:46,194
Oh, well, they always warn you.
303
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,262
What good does that do?
304
00:09:48,362 --> 00:09:49,764
The car's insured, isn't it?
305
00:09:49,864 --> 00:09:52,300
Yes, but I'm not.
306
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,969
Millie, Rob will kill me when he finds out.
307
00:09:55,069 --> 00:09:56,604
Well, why does he have to find out?
308
00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:58,806
Get it repaired, and don't tell him.
309
00:09:58,906 --> 00:09:59,941
Don't tell him.
310
00:10:00,041 --> 00:10:01,275
Millie, when he gets home tonight,
311
00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:04,212
he's going to kiss the car before he kisses me.
312
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,880
They know they can fix it in a day.
313
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,215
Not before he gets home.
314
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,650
Well, make an appointment for tomorrow.
315
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:12,587
But he's going to want to drive the car to town tomorrow.
316
00:10:12,687 --> 00:10:13,554
Well, stall him.
317
00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:14,388
Don't let him.
318
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:15,590
You can think of some excuse.
319
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:16,457
Oh, Millie.
320
00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:18,359
He's going to be wild, just wild.
321
00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:20,761
Tell us-- the garage to keep your station
322
00:10:20,862 --> 00:10:23,698
wagon for another day, and that'll give you an excuse.
323
00:10:23,798 --> 00:10:24,832
Well, what about tonight?
324
00:10:24,932 --> 00:10:26,801
I mean, the minute he goes into that garage.
325
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:28,369
Which side is the scratch on?
326
00:10:28,469 --> 00:10:29,770
The right. Why?
327
00:10:29,871 --> 00:10:30,872
What difference does that make?
328
00:10:30,972 --> 00:10:32,974
Well, he gets in on the left.
329
00:10:33,074 --> 00:10:35,576
And if you park it close to the wall
330
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,713
and steal a light bulb from the garage, it'll be dark,
331
00:10:38,813 --> 00:10:39,647
and he won't see a thing.
332
00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:40,581
He won't see a thing.
333
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:41,849
But gee, Millie.
334
00:10:41,949 --> 00:10:44,051
That seems so sneaky, though, not letting him know?
335
00:10:44,151 --> 00:10:45,086
Well, believe me.
336
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,654
I'd rather not know.
337
00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:50,324
You don't think it's dishonest?
338
00:10:50,424 --> 00:10:53,027
Well, sure, it's dishonest.
339
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:53,928
All right.
340
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:54,962
I'll do it.
341
00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:01,068
ROB: Honey, where are you?
342
00:11:01,169 --> 00:11:02,069
Oh, hi.
343
00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:04,438
In the kitchen.
344
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:05,139
Hi.
345
00:11:05,239 --> 00:11:06,107
Hi.
346
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,175
Hey, you're a good girl.
347
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:08,643
Why?
348
00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:10,444
Because you didn't leave my car under a sappy tree.
349
00:11:10,545 --> 00:11:12,480
You put it in the garage.
350
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,315
Hey, honey, let's go for a drive, huh?
351
00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:15,449
What? Before dinner?
352
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:16,651
Sure, just a short spin. Come on.
353
00:11:16,751 --> 00:11:18,052
No but I have to get dinner ready.
354
00:11:18,152 --> 00:11:19,153
We'll have dinner out, honey. Come on.
355
00:11:19,253 --> 00:11:20,421
I know, what about Richie?
356
00:11:20,521 --> 00:11:21,589
We'll take what you long. You'll love it.
357
00:11:21,689 --> 00:11:22,957
No, but he has to do his homework.
358
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:23,991
That's all right, honey.
359
00:11:24,091 --> 00:11:25,226
We'll leave him here.
360
00:11:25,326 --> 00:11:26,194
Just you and me to go just at the park.
361
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:27,428
We'll be right back.
362
00:11:27,528 --> 00:11:28,596
But Rob, we can't leave Richie alone.
363
00:11:28,696 --> 00:11:29,764
We'll get a sitter for a quick set.
364
00:11:29,864 --> 00:11:31,332
No, Rob.
365
00:11:31,432 --> 00:11:34,101
Darling, I've had such a terrible headache all day.
366
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:36,070
You'll really have to excuse me.
367
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:37,672
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
368
00:11:37,772 --> 00:11:39,206
Look, why don't you go and lie it down.
369
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:40,942
Take that old nap, and I'll be right back, OK?
370
00:11:41,042 --> 00:11:42,243
But Rob--
371
00:11:42,343 --> 00:11:43,811
Honey, I just want to put a few miles on.
372
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:44,979
I'll be right back.
373
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,180
But Rob--
374
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,748
Honey, you didn't expect me to have
375
00:11:47,848 --> 00:11:51,419
dinner before I put some mileage on my Tarantula, did you?
376
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:54,522
No, I guess not.
377
00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:57,224
(SINGING) Grab your coat and get your hat.
378
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:59,293
Leave your worries on that doorstep.
379
00:12:02,196 --> 00:12:04,732
[car starting]
380
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,306
What you doing?
381
00:12:12,406 --> 00:12:15,977
[screams in surprise] Darling, don't ever
382
00:12:16,077 --> 00:12:20,247
sneak up on mommy that way, OK?
383
00:12:20,348 --> 00:12:22,450
Daddy sure has been calling a long time.
384
00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:25,086
No, just seems a long time.
385
00:12:25,186 --> 00:12:26,287
Stop a minute be quiet.
386
00:12:28,823 --> 00:12:31,192
Not him.
387
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,693
It seems forever.
388
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:33,995
What does?
389
00:12:34,095 --> 00:12:35,429
The way you're eating.
390
00:12:35,529 --> 00:12:36,764
Well, you told me to stop.
391
00:12:36,864 --> 00:12:38,799
Well finish it up.
392
00:12:38,899 --> 00:12:39,767
- Mommy? - Yes?
393
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:40,701
What--
394
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:41,802
Stop a minute.
395
00:12:44,572 --> 00:12:46,007
- It's daddy. - Sit still.
396
00:12:46,107 --> 00:12:46,941
Act as if nothing happened.
397
00:12:47,041 --> 00:12:47,842
What did?
398
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,343
Nothing, eat, eat, eat.
399
00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:05,226
Brand new car, right?
400
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,895
Brand new car.
401
00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,730
So what happened?
402
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:12,466
Darling, it's not really that bad.
403
00:13:12,566 --> 00:13:14,068
It's not that bad?
404
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,171
I try out the windshield wiper, the knob falls off in my head,
405
00:13:17,271 --> 00:13:19,674
how do you like that?
406
00:13:19,774 --> 00:13:20,408
Is that all?
407
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:21,742
Is that all?
408
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,277
Honey, a brand new Tarantula is worth to have
409
00:13:23,377 --> 00:13:25,212
all of the bugs out of it.
410
00:13:25,312 --> 00:13:26,614
Listen, darling, I got a great idea.
411
00:13:26,714 --> 00:13:28,215
Why don't you leave the car with me tomorrow,
412
00:13:28,315 --> 00:13:29,684
and I'll take it into the shop.
413
00:13:29,784 --> 00:13:31,118
They can put the knob back on and check all the bugs.
414
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:32,453
Oh, no, I'm taking it back tomorrow
415
00:13:32,553 --> 00:13:33,921
to the guy who sold it to me.
416
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:34,822
He's making it good.
417
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:35,923
Yeah, but Rob--
418
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,992
I am going in first thing in the morning.
419
00:13:38,092 --> 00:13:39,126
Rob, you can't.
420
00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:41,262
What?
421
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,563
Richie, dear, if you finished eating,
422
00:13:42,663 --> 00:13:43,731
would you go to your room, please?
423
00:13:43,831 --> 00:13:45,266
What happened? I still have grapes.
424
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,500
Well, I tell you what, darling, you can finish
425
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,568
them up in your room, huh.
426
00:13:47,668 --> 00:13:48,903
You always say I'm not allowed.
427
00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:49,804
You're not.
428
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:50,604
You don't.
429
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,941
So this time you can, right?
430
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,876
What was that all about?
431
00:13:55,976 --> 00:13:59,847
Rob, I have to have the car again tomorrow.
432
00:13:59,947 --> 00:14:05,353
And you knew I'd yell so you sent Richie out of the room?
433
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:06,687
Come on, Rob.
434
00:14:06,787 --> 00:14:08,689
They still didn't get my car back from the shop.
435
00:14:08,789 --> 00:14:09,523
That girl.
436
00:14:09,623 --> 00:14:11,158
Why can't Millie take her lead.
437
00:14:11,258 --> 00:14:12,560
It's her turn.
438
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:13,794
Well, Millie has her car in the shop, too, Rob.
439
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:14,562
I don't--
440
00:14:14,662 --> 00:14:16,097
She thought I have yours.
441
00:14:16,197 --> 00:14:18,799
Why can't I ever have my own car, everybody else gets.
442
00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:22,470
Why can't-- Richie walked just one time, won't hurt him a bit.
443
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,771
All that way?
444
00:14:23,871 --> 00:14:26,173
When I was a kid, I walked twice that far.
445
00:14:26,273 --> 00:14:28,576
And I was a puny and runt.
446
00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:30,277
- Where are you going? - I'm going out.
447
00:14:30,377 --> 00:14:31,846
What are you going to do?
448
00:14:31,946 --> 00:14:34,915
I am going to sit in my car, maybe the only chance I get.
449
00:14:35,015 --> 00:14:39,253
I can't drive it, at least I can smell it.
450
00:14:39,353 --> 00:14:42,523
[music playing]
451
00:14:57,972 --> 00:15:00,241
Are you going to work without having breakfast?
452
00:15:00,341 --> 00:15:01,375
Well, I had some Mr. Coffee, honey.
453
00:15:01,475 --> 00:15:02,409
I'll pick up something.
454
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:03,711
Well, why didn't you wake me?
455
00:15:03,811 --> 00:15:05,212
Well, I wasn't sure you'd be speaking to me.
456
00:15:05,312 --> 00:15:07,081
I was going to leave a note.
457
00:15:07,181 --> 00:15:08,048
Rob?
458
00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:09,049
Honey, look.
459
00:15:09,150 --> 00:15:11,352
I'm sorry about last night.
460
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,954
Honey, I was just a loose snob, I know.
461
00:15:14,054 --> 00:15:15,956
It wasn't like getting sap on the hood
462
00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:17,525
or something like that.
463
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,260
You know how I am about a new car, honey.
464
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,862
I just hate anything that's imperfect.
465
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,397
But you know, I know it's ridiculous.
466
00:15:23,497 --> 00:15:24,799
I admit it.
467
00:15:24,899 --> 00:15:25,800
I thought you were upset with me because I have
468
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,034
to have the car again today.
469
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:28,235
Honey, don't be silly.
470
00:15:28,335 --> 00:15:29,703
I'll call a taxi like I did yesterday.
471
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,372
Oh, darling, that's awfully nice of you.
472
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,973
Well, I mean, not for me, for you.
473
00:15:33,073 --> 00:15:33,741
Huh?
474
00:15:33,841 --> 00:15:35,409
Well, I'm taking the car.
475
00:15:35,509 --> 00:15:36,644
Well, what about Richie?
476
00:15:36,744 --> 00:15:39,480
Honey, he'll take the taxi to school.
477
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,415
Children don't take taxis to school.
478
00:15:41,515 --> 00:15:43,317
Good then we'll be pioneers for a change.
479
00:15:43,417 --> 00:15:44,585
[inaudible] used to love it.
480
00:15:44,685 --> 00:15:46,120
Look, they'll watch the meter jump
481
00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:47,421
up and down as educational.
482
00:15:47,521 --> 00:15:48,589
Come on.
483
00:15:48,689 --> 00:15:49,957
Let him go in style for a change.
484
00:15:50,057 --> 00:15:51,926
Oh, Rob.
485
00:15:52,026 --> 00:15:56,263
[music playing]
486
00:15:56,363 --> 00:15:58,933
[car starting]
487
00:16:00,901 --> 00:16:01,769
Hi, Rob.
488
00:16:01,869 --> 00:16:02,469
Hi, Rob.
489
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:03,704
Rob?
490
00:16:14,882 --> 00:16:16,283
Rob?
491
00:16:16,383 --> 00:16:19,453
You're gonna cry?
492
00:16:19,553 --> 00:16:22,556
See, Bushy, even made him feel bad.
493
00:16:22,656 --> 00:16:25,326
Rob, what's the matter?
494
00:16:25,426 --> 00:16:26,760
Well, he's either got a toothache,
495
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:29,997
or somebody stepped on his Tarantula.
496
00:16:30,097 --> 00:16:32,666
Oh.
497
00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:34,835
How that happened to your new bug?
498
00:16:34,935 --> 00:16:40,841
It is now an old bug with an 8-foot scratch.
499
00:16:40,941 --> 00:16:42,576
Oh.
500
00:16:42,676 --> 00:16:44,512
Yesterday she talked me out of the car.
501
00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:46,313
She took it herself, very persuasive young lady.
502
00:16:46,413 --> 00:16:49,350
She tried it again today but not quite so persuasive today.
503
00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:50,651
She let me have the car.
504
00:16:50,751 --> 00:16:53,287
And I opened the town smiling and happy,
505
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,622
the King of the Highway.
506
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,257
And when I got into town--
507
00:16:56,357 --> 00:16:57,324
You wrecked the bug.
508
00:16:57,424 --> 00:16:58,459
No.
509
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,595
I found it had a great big scratch.
510
00:17:01,695 --> 00:17:03,030
Who scratched it, Laura?
511
00:17:03,130 --> 00:17:04,231
No.
512
00:17:04,331 --> 00:17:07,167
I parked it at the central garage just to be safe.
513
00:17:07,268 --> 00:17:08,669
I forgot to leave the keys.
514
00:17:08,769 --> 00:17:09,737
I couldn't have been two minutes.
515
00:17:09,837 --> 00:17:11,205
I went back, and there it was.
516
00:17:11,305 --> 00:17:13,007
Like somebody took a nail and--
517
00:17:16,477 --> 00:17:18,112
Well, Rob, take it easy.
518
00:17:18,212 --> 00:17:19,046
It's only paint.
519
00:17:19,146 --> 00:17:19,880
It'll heal.
520
00:17:19,980 --> 00:17:21,348
I took every precaution.
521
00:17:21,448 --> 00:17:23,417
I went to a covered garage.
522
00:17:23,517 --> 00:17:26,487
Within 30 seconds--
523
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:29,189
Why didn't she talk me out of the car today?
524
00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:30,157
How did it happen?
525
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:31,492
Who knows.
526
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:35,029
Some sadist with a can opener, I don't know.
527
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:37,264
The garage said nobody ever even got near.
528
00:17:37,364 --> 00:17:38,332
They said I came in with it.
529
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,733
How do you like that? - Sue.
530
00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:40,968
Yeah, that's right. Sue.
531
00:17:41,068 --> 00:17:41,702
Oh, boy.
532
00:17:41,802 --> 00:17:42,770
Well, I like to sue.
533
00:17:42,870 --> 00:17:44,338
Just for the principle, I think.
534
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,941
I don't care about the money or the bother or anything else.
535
00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:49,410
People should not be allowed to go around scratching
536
00:17:49,510 --> 00:17:53,347
heavily financed Tarantulas.
537
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,515
I'm calling my lawyer tonight.
538
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,150
Well, don't wait until tonight.
539
00:17:56,250 --> 00:17:57,184
Call right now.
540
00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:58,185
What's your hurry?
541
00:17:58,285 --> 00:17:59,853
That a boyfriend's a lawyer?
542
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,488
I hope that I got a date with one tonight.
543
00:18:01,589 --> 00:18:03,023
Who wants to take me out?
544
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:05,159
And if Rob doesn't call his lawyer now instead of work,
545
00:18:05,259 --> 00:18:06,860
and he'll be spending all day going,
546
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,929
I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue, I'm going to sue.
547
00:18:09,029 --> 00:18:10,064
Exactly. That's right.
548
00:18:10,164 --> 00:18:11,131
I'm going to sue.
549
00:18:11,231 --> 00:18:12,633
I am going to sue. - You stay-- all right.
550
00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:13,867
All plaintiffs come with me.
551
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,303
Come on.
552
00:18:16,403 --> 00:18:17,338
MILLIE: Why don't you take this?
553
00:18:17,438 --> 00:18:18,472
Maybe it'll fix your headache.
554
00:18:18,572 --> 00:18:19,807
No, thanks, Millie.
555
00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:21,241
It won't fix the car.
556
00:18:31,185 --> 00:18:32,152
All right.
557
00:18:32,252 --> 00:18:33,787
Where's Marvin Birmingham's home number?
558
00:18:33,887 --> 00:18:35,356
Marvin? Our lawyer?
559
00:18:35,456 --> 00:18:36,490
What do you want with Marvin?
560
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:37,725
Why does anybody want a lawyer?
561
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,093
I want to sue somebody, that's what.
562
00:18:39,193 --> 00:18:41,829
I was calling him in his office all day long today,
563
00:18:41,929 --> 00:18:43,630
and he was in the courtroom.
564
00:18:43,731 --> 00:18:46,667
What kind of a lawyer is he, anyway?
565
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:48,135
Who are you gonna sue?
566
00:18:48,235 --> 00:18:49,603
I'm gonna sue the person responsible for scratching
567
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:50,571
my car.
568
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,438
I don't care what you say.
569
00:18:51,538 --> 00:18:52,573
I want to do it.
570
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,141
Rob, listen, about the car--
571
00:18:54,241 --> 00:18:55,442
Just hold it.
572
00:18:55,542 --> 00:18:58,178
Marvin-- Rob-- mad.
573
00:18:58,278 --> 00:18:59,313
That's how I am, buddy.
574
00:18:59,413 --> 00:19:01,348
Look, are you going to be there a little while?
575
00:19:01,448 --> 00:19:03,183
Can I come over and talk to you?
576
00:19:03,283 --> 00:19:06,420
My new car, I parked at the center garage today,
577
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,657
and some stupid sadist ruined it.
578
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,358
Oh, is it bad?
579
00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:12,292
They desecrate it.
580
00:19:12,393 --> 00:19:13,627
You want to see it.
581
00:19:13,727 --> 00:19:15,696
There's a big scratch up and down the whole car.
582
00:19:19,099 --> 00:19:20,367
So that's what I want to do.
583
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:21,335
I like this--
584
00:19:21,435 --> 00:19:22,236
Thanks, Marvin.
585
00:19:22,336 --> 00:19:24,338
I'll be right over.
586
00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:25,539
Rob, listen, about the car.
587
00:19:25,639 --> 00:19:26,507
I feel just awful.
588
00:19:26,607 --> 00:19:27,875
Well, thanks, honey.
589
00:19:31,945 --> 00:19:34,181
Oh, Millie, I feel like a criminal.
590
00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:35,649
What am I going to do?
591
00:19:35,749 --> 00:19:36,917
I'll tell you what you're going to do.
592
00:19:37,017 --> 00:19:38,686
You're going to keep your fingers crossed
593
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,487
and your little mouth shut.
594
00:19:40,587 --> 00:19:41,755
But I can't.
595
00:19:41,855 --> 00:19:44,191
You do it for women drivers everywhere.
596
00:19:44,291 --> 00:19:45,192
Ah.
597
00:19:47,928 --> 00:19:49,229
Millie, it's not right.
598
00:19:49,329 --> 00:19:51,965
A wife shouldn't lie to her husband.
599
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,902
Look, it wasn't your fault the car got scratched, right?
600
00:19:55,002 --> 00:19:56,537
But is Rob going to believe that?
601
00:19:56,637 --> 00:19:58,072
No.
602
00:19:58,172 --> 00:20:00,074
He's going to use it as an example against women drivers.
603
00:20:00,174 --> 00:20:04,211
And you'll be giving our whole wonderful sex a black eye.
604
00:20:04,311 --> 00:20:06,547
How can I let Rob get involved in something that's going
605
00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:08,315
to make him look like a fool?
606
00:20:08,415 --> 00:20:11,318
I've just got to tell him.
607
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,719
I think I'd better leave.
608
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,154
Oh, Millie, no. Don't leave me.
609
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:15,723
If you're here, maybe he won't kill me.
610
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:17,024
He won't kill you.
611
00:20:17,124 --> 00:20:18,992
Listen, before you tell him the truth,
612
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:21,161
give wine another chance, OK?
613
00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:26,166
Hey, honey.
614
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:27,201
Hi.
615
00:20:31,672 --> 00:20:33,207
Did you see Marvin?
616
00:20:33,307 --> 00:20:34,141
Oh, yeah.
617
00:20:34,241 --> 00:20:36,143
I just saw him for a minute there.
618
00:20:36,243 --> 00:20:39,012
And he was off to one of his big meetings, you know.
619
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:41,248
Rob, I don't think you ought to sue.
620
00:20:41,348 --> 00:20:42,483
Why, honey?
621
00:20:42,583 --> 00:20:44,585
Well, Rob, there's something I have to tell you.
622
00:20:44,685 --> 00:20:45,619
What?
623
00:20:45,719 --> 00:20:46,754
About the scratch on your car.
624
00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:47,688
What?
625
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,089
What about it?
626
00:20:49,189 --> 00:20:51,458
Well, darling, it didn't really happen the way
627
00:20:51,558 --> 00:20:52,526
you think.
628
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,228
Well, how then?
629
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,829
Well--
630
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,265
Honey, what are you trying to say?
631
00:20:58,365 --> 00:21:00,968
Well, do you remember the day I drove Richie
632
00:21:01,068 --> 00:21:03,537
to school that first day?
633
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,405
Well, Rob, I stopped at the market.
634
00:21:05,506 --> 00:21:07,141
I parked it so carefully, Rob.
635
00:21:07,241 --> 00:21:09,776
And I wasn't in the market for more than five minutes.
636
00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:12,579
And when I came out--
637
00:21:12,679 --> 00:21:15,749
all for a bunch of bananas.
638
00:21:15,849 --> 00:21:16,717
You did it?
639
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,152
No, I just told you.
640
00:21:18,252 --> 00:21:19,086
I didn't do it.
641
00:21:19,186 --> 00:21:19,920
I know.
642
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:21,421
I mean, the garage didn't do it.
643
00:21:21,522 --> 00:21:23,190
No, I wish they had.
644
00:21:23,290 --> 00:21:25,259
Rob, tell Marvin you're not going to sue.
645
00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:26,560
Well, honey.
646
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,896
He didn't think that suing was a very good idea anyway.
647
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:29,997
He didn't?
648
00:21:30,097 --> 00:21:31,064
No.
649
00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:32,533
He pointed out to me that even if I won,
650
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:34,334
it will still cost me more than letting the insurance
651
00:21:34,434 --> 00:21:35,736
company handle it.
652
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:36,670
Oh, Rob.
653
00:21:36,770 --> 00:21:38,238
Oh, honey, come on.
654
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:41,642
Let's take for funny about it, just a little teeny scratch.
655
00:21:41,742 --> 00:21:42,910
It could have happened to anybody.
656
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:43,877
You're not angry?
657
00:21:43,977 --> 00:21:45,312
Oh, don't be silly, honey.
658
00:21:45,412 --> 00:21:47,047
A little paint, and it'll be good as new.
659
00:21:47,147 --> 00:21:49,082
That could have happened to anybody, honey.
660
00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:50,751
Don't worry about it.
661
00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:51,819
Listen, you're a good driver.
662
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,287
It happens to good drivers.
663
00:21:53,387 --> 00:21:56,456
I mean, things like that even happen to men drivers.
664
00:21:59,393 --> 00:22:01,862
Honey, what the-- what I mean is--
665
00:22:01,962 --> 00:22:03,564
well, I'll-- funny, I lived here.
666
00:22:03,664 --> 00:22:04,631
I was awful man.
667
00:22:04,731 --> 00:22:07,100
I didn't watch very well.
668
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:12,239
What happened when you weren't watching so well?
669
00:22:12,339 --> 00:22:16,543
Well, you know those four cement posts
670
00:22:16,643 --> 00:22:17,844
there beside Marvin's driveway?
671
00:22:17,945 --> 00:22:18,779
Yeah.
672
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:19,913
Yeah.
673
00:22:20,013 --> 00:22:21,014
Well, I-- I turned in the driveway
674
00:22:21,114 --> 00:22:22,616
about three yards too soon.
675
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:26,486
You knock down a post?
676
00:22:26,587 --> 00:22:27,654
Yes, honey.
677
00:22:27,754 --> 00:22:30,357
It could have happened to anybody.
678
00:22:30,457 --> 00:22:31,391
What about the car?
679
00:22:31,491 --> 00:22:35,596
Well, the offenders are kind of like--
680
00:22:35,696 --> 00:22:36,897
but you know, they hammer them out
681
00:22:36,997 --> 00:22:37,864
and sand them and paint them.
682
00:22:37,965 --> 00:22:40,067
And it's good as new.
683
00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:42,135
Of course those posts--
684
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:42,903
Posts?
685
00:22:43,003 --> 00:22:44,204
You hit two of them?
686
00:22:44,304 --> 00:22:47,874
Well, one going in and one back and out.
687
00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:50,110
Rob, you poor thing.
688
00:22:50,210 --> 00:22:52,679
Dad has been the worst of it, honey.
689
00:22:52,779 --> 00:22:53,880
Look at that hat.
690
00:22:53,981 --> 00:22:56,783
Oh, crap.
691
00:22:56,883 --> 00:22:59,052
How did that happen?
692
00:22:59,152 --> 00:23:02,055
I was trying to help Mrs. Birmingham up off the ground,
693
00:23:02,155 --> 00:23:04,591
and her dog attacked me.
694
00:23:04,691 --> 00:23:05,792
Wait a minute.
695
00:23:05,892 --> 00:23:07,661
Now why did Mrs. Birmingham need help?
696
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:11,632
Well, I-- she fainted when I back to her rosebushes.
697
00:23:11,732 --> 00:23:12,532
What?
698
00:23:12,633 --> 00:23:13,567
Honey, look at that.
699
00:23:13,667 --> 00:23:15,068
It's a bunny's label.
700
00:23:15,168 --> 00:23:16,903
There's not another hat like that in town that fits me.
701
00:23:17,004 --> 00:23:18,438
Honey, I don't-- what are you going to do?
702
00:23:18,538 --> 00:23:19,640
You can't sue a dog.
703
00:23:34,054 --> 00:23:36,290
Get the ice cream?
704
00:23:36,390 --> 00:23:38,859
I'm getting rid of that car.
705
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:40,460
I mean it.
706
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,129
I mean, I'm not going to have a car that I can't depend on.
707
00:23:42,229 --> 00:23:43,297
What do you mean?
708
00:23:43,397 --> 00:23:44,564
Well, it's the only thing to do.
709
00:23:44,665 --> 00:23:46,700
You get a lemon, you take it back, right?
710
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,701
You turn it in.
711
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:48,869
The car is a jinx.
712
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:49,903
First, the windshield wiper went.
713
00:23:50,003 --> 00:23:51,738
Rob, what happened?
714
00:23:51,838 --> 00:23:55,142
My brand new beautiful car with the fingertip control
715
00:23:55,242 --> 00:23:57,144
in the stainless steel trim and the bucket
716
00:23:57,244 --> 00:23:59,880
seats ran out of gas.
717
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:01,515
How?
718
00:24:01,615 --> 00:24:02,883
How?
719
00:24:02,983 --> 00:24:07,888
It went-- I look at the gas gauge just before I left here.
720
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:08,822
All right.
721
00:24:08,922 --> 00:24:10,424
What did it register?
722
00:24:10,524 --> 00:24:12,759
Empty.
723
00:24:12,859 --> 00:24:13,960
Well, Rob--
724
00:24:14,061 --> 00:24:15,462
Honey, I never owned a car in my life
725
00:24:15,562 --> 00:24:17,297
that didn't have at least two gallons left in it
726
00:24:17,397 --> 00:24:18,398
when the gas gauge said empty.
727
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:19,766
But why not that car? Oh, no.
728
00:24:19,866 --> 00:24:21,168
Right on the button boy.
729
00:24:21,268 --> 00:24:24,471
I'm getting rid of it.
730
00:24:24,571 --> 00:24:30,711
[music playing]
49483
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